I received the following question submitted to me via my Formspring widget: 

 

 

To the submissive, who I assume is male (but cannot be sure), thank you for that question.  You submitted it at a time when I was sitting here composing a new post.  I had begun to compose a post, but was staring at a blank page.  I wasn't sure what I wanted to write about.  Then, your question came through my email.  I think this is a perfect question to use as a basis for this post.  So, let's dive in!

 

First, let me say that I don't think being male or female should have any influence over emotions.  We live in a society that has put the "be a man about it" mentality on the forefront of our social consciousness.  Yet, I find that concept to be both insulting and dangerous.  When our daughters are hurt, we hold them and let them know that it is okay to cry and show emotions.  When our sons are hurt, we tell them to "walk it off" and that "real men don't cry."  All this does is convince men, as they grow from children to young adults and beyond, that showing emotions is something that is only for women, for the weak.  This insults men, by making them think that they are weak for having feelings, and insults women by placing emotions (which, as we are taught, as a sign of weakness) clearly in the "Women Only" category.

 

So, let's take this question in a gender-neutral context.  Do I feel it's acceptable for a submissive/slave to cry during and after a scene?  I would say, without a doubt, "maybe."

 

Okay, so I equivocated a bit.  Sue me.

 

But, the question isn't easy to answer.  The answer to this all depends on why the submissive is crying.  Though I am going to use "he" for the rest of the post, I really mean this for both male and female submissives.

 

If he is crying because what I am doing is causing him serious pain, if I am pushing him beyond his limits (both hard and soft), if I am spanking or flogging him harder than he is able to handle, then the tears are understandable but unacceptable.  Now, that doesn't mean that it is unacceptable that he show emotion.  Far from it.  The failing here would NOT be his, but mine.

 

What is unacceptable is that I have gone too far, I have passed "hurting" my slave and gone in to "harming" my slave.  What is truly unacceptable is that I have failed in my responsibilities as a Dom to care for my slave, to see to it that he isn't put in a position where he could be seriously harmed.

 

If he is crying because he is pushing through a soft limit, pushing himself to a higher level of tolerance with my help, then the tears are perfectly understandable and acceptable.  At that point, the tears are a display of what he is working through internally - the fight between comfort and desire, between ego and id.  The tears are, ultimately, a sign of an emotional breakthrough on his part.

 

Tears are a sign of something going on inside.  What that is, however, is what determines whether or not I will take the tears as a sign of something good or bad.  But, no matter the reason for the tears, I never think it is a sign of weakness for my submissive to show his emotions.  He is a human being, first and foremost.  With being human comes having emotions.  I will never judge a person, submissive or not, for showing emotion.  Doing so would be a horrible mistake on my part.

 

So, to summarize my often rambling style of writing, it is perfectly acceptable for a submissive to cry and show emotion during a scene, so long as it isn't because I have failed as his Dom and pushed too far.  If I caused the tears because of my carelessness, then I have to step back and reexamine myself deeply.

Now, on to aftercare...

I can not emphasize enough how important aftercare is, especially after an intense scene.  It is commonly understood within the BDSM community that our roles as Doms and subs often take us in to different frames of mind and emotional states as we work through our scenes.  The emotional state that many subs enter while they are tied, blindfolded, gagged, and often beaten takes them to an entirely different world, a different space, "subspace."  It is this space that is so necessary, psychologically, to what we do.  It allows a submissive to handle higher levels of pain during a scene.

This is done through a triggering of the sympathetic nervous system, which releases adrenaline and epinephrine, the chemicals that cause the infamous "fight or flight" response.  These chemicals produce the same effects on the human body as morphine, and can be just as dangerous to come down from unsafely.

After a particularly intense scene, when the chemical rush that so altered his brain chemistry, begins to diminish, the drop can be either pleasurable or painful, depending on how it is handled.  In my opinion, it is up to me to insure that this drop is pleasurable, reassuring, and relaxing.

When I finish a scene with a submissive, there are several things I like to do to help make sure that the drop from subspace is done as easily and painlessly as possible.  I make sure to remove any restraints and gags, clean him off with a warm towel, and then hold him for as long as he needs.  At times, he needs held to help him come back to a place of safety and security after an intense, and painful, scene.  Sometimes, he needs to be held in order to assure him that what he does for me, who he is, and how we are with one another is extremely important to me.  No matter what he needs, and no matter for how long, that aftercare and that reassurance of a connection to one another are just as important do our relationship as a Dom and sub as are the scenes we engage in.  You can't separate the two.

Part of my responsibility to my submissive is to insure that, at all times, he is taken care of and cared for.  What he does for him, the submission he so willingly gives me as a gift, is something so incredibly precious to me.  To not care for him in return, to not make sure that his emotional and psychological well being are safe in my hands, would be to take the gift he has given me for granted.

Now, I hope that my answers here are sufficient.  To whoever asked that question, thank you.  If you would like to ask more, and this goes for everyone, please feel free to submit any questions you have through Formspring.  I'll answer any that I get.