i need a beating i need to be fucked....

i need a beating and to sleep with my Daddy... and sex and snuggles and sleep in safe arms...

i dont sleep very good alone.. i miss having my snuggles and sex and snuggles... and getting a good beat down and waking to get Him ready for work and waiting on Him hand and foot... i need to be in service i feel comfortable doing that.. i need to have my Daddy to sleep with...

itzzzz cold

today brings on change... i still need a beating ,... i need rough sex... i need to be rescued from crazy vanilla family... i wish i had more time... just simple things like that and stuff......new chapters are often scary and hard to write... only time will tell if it was the right  book to go with....... i will do as i always do and take care of my own... it is hard to find reliability these days... it is hard to find a badass sadist to beat the shit out of me too... btw i hid your paddles in your closet in front of your jeans by the wall... im going to drink my lunch now... happy friday all... and if my new friend is reading this send me a message and we will chat more later....winks

Wishing all a great 2012...........

BTW.... i hid the fucking rose and the lady paddle... HA HA HA!!! and im going to hide the chip clip you put on my clit also... so i dont tell you im going to rip your face off anymore... HA HA HA

going to find a way to make things work here at home........ need to find my spot and fit in... i hope that makes sense...

i want to thank two people for showing me more than i thought possible yesterday... in and out of bed... Thank you..

i need a drink

......i need a beating

talk is cheap ...... im free range....

apparently some people think my last journal was a bashing session upon myself .....it was not understood correctly ...it wasnt a beat myself up entry it was a look at what your actions say... what was a reward for some... i am not good enough for.. that is what is being said and whispered in the parlors of gossip... Frankly i dont give a fuck anymore... i get it, some may not, but i do....

okay now i need a beating ive shared what my favorite kind of scene is and now im frothing at the mouth........

for my Yule gift i want to be beaten till im black and blue with paddles canes and crops choked till i pass out and cut open with the single tail carved up with the knife or scapel. branded punched then beat on some more ..please....

Thank You to all the concerns for my soul ... i appreciate it i do.but i will be clear i am Pagan... i am okay with that... my pentacle is the sign of my faith im sorry if that offends you...but i am not ashamed of who i am and what i do.... Thank you ... the picture i posted was meant to be showing off the marks on my boobs not to start a flood of emails trying to save my soul.....

Y do i not get wall post?

Blessed Be... Harm None..........

at least i know my name and my heart... it hurt very much to know that i am not thought of as good enough... i will be okay i am a survivor and a good girl...

today im just a slave nothing more ........

im not feeling the best but i will be okay... but i need to ensure those that i am amy ...and that is enuff for me at the moment

.......... no think........... just do..........

sigh.......... free range is a strange place i have been owned for so long i dont know how to deal with freedom......

Maybe a good beating will help me......... would anyone like to beat on me??????

no thinking ..........just do..........

5. know who is the boss. remember i am there to serve the needs and desires of the Ones i serve....

6. Learn what my dominates wants and needs,,,  anticipate them

7. remember to show the Ones i serve how important they are and that they are appreciated.....

things that will help me serve better

1. Make promises that i will be able to keep....

2. Remember there is no way that the quality of service can exceed the quality of people performing it....

3. Know how to apologize and accept criticism.

4.Be a good listener.

My Daddy and Ma'am are worth so much and deserve all that i can give them and more.... i am going to try my hardest to earn the right to be with them.....

i failed......yeppers

i still feel i need to take much caution .....i have much respect for consideration and will not pass judgement on others .......for you can not help who you love ... i know this lesson well... we never truely know where our roads will lead us.... sometimes they take us to people who we help and show them light others we leave our own lives enriched just from having known them... we cant help ones that wont help themselves...i am guilty of holding on to long to things that hurt me and think if i hang a little longer it will get better... is love even real.. i dont know .. in my heart im a hopeless romantic and want to believe it is real... but at times i question it .. and try to understand that maybe mine has been cut to much and to deep for me to try to love again... i am a realist and think im loved as long as im useful ... it is just the way life is... may seem negative but it is just realistic... i know it would have not been me that was chose and that cuts deep... but i also understand why... and mayhap one day i can be worthy of fill all the slot of one's needs... this is my journal for today ..my pain girl is happy and quiet.. reflection and self inventory now come to front of my thoughts... sometimes it is ugly but nessacary for one to grow... when one still cries for another and its not you well.i dont know how to stop my withdrawl thats what i do that how i stay safe it bittersweet but i am the type to let go and hope that find the happiness they need .. if i cant help or make it stop then i am no longer useful 

im in a weird space in my energy at the moment...... i am a little confused ... i need to feel secure.... but i dont want to appear to clingy does that make sense? or needy ... i want to serve and be used i am a slave.... but i have problems with having faith in people they always turn on me... i need to work on that part of me...but how .... after all the scars others have left on me how do i place my complete trust in another it is so hard... i dont know if i can do it.. i feel myself beginning to offer up my complete and total surrender along with love faith and trust but then right when my hands are almost fully extended i pull them back....it is like i all of a sudden realize what im about to do and pull back... then i am disappointed in myself and frustrated that i have failed again... i need to do this but im scared and lost ... why am i so afraid to give myself over why is it so difficult ??? argh... i am crying again .shit..  

we all have so many challenges lately ... people that have hurt and people that have helped us heal... i am so grateful to my friends.. and my family they help so much... i feel the saddness at the moment that my loved ones feel it hurts me also... i wish that people would see it for what it is... but they see what they choose to and not what is real... i can feel it and wish i could show a light to follow but at times it is best that we find our own path... i am wanting to help my loved ones but they will not reach out to me it makes me feel helpless... i would love to help comfort them... but i must sit and wait until they are ready for my light to help soothe and comfort...

I so needed to hear your voice this morning ... Thank You Daddy..........

i miss you Daddy have a great trip...

My life has evolved so much in this past year... i am in a relatio....p (still a hard word for me) blahhhhh... my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth.. in a poly relationship .... go figure... but it suits me so well... i have people i can stay with and be well with ...He is starting to figure me out hich is a little argh scary.. i like remaining a puzzle it keeps them interested, but for us to grow They need to know me better....i must allow Them completely in.... i am not ready to  share all my dark with them... so i will share my light...

Sometimes choosing a new road is a most unsure path.but also it can be one of the most rewarding. .... the family will be here for all to lean on....remember the good times with and share fond memories... and cry when needed.....

Sometimes Lunch is the best meal of the day.............

I apologize for my previous outburst...... i communicated in a bad manner...
Thank you for your understanding.... no sleep or food will do that to you..........

Song Lyrics :Jason Aldean

 I really hate to let this moment go....Touching your skin and your hair falling slow....

When a goodbye kiss feels like this....Dont you wanna stay here a little while...

Dont you wanna hold each other tight.....Dont you wanna fall asleep with me tonight....

 Lets take it slow i dont wanna move to fast...i dont wanna just make love , i wanna make love last...when you're up this high its a sad goodbye....

********

AWWW my Daddy is Sir Master Super Daddy Dom......... Does that get me a beating??? Please...... LOL..... ive been "trolling" for over a week here... ahem/......

i will say im so blessed to have people around me that promote me coming out of my shell....i am so glad to have my family of choice that understands i need to be myself...

in the past so many have tried to change me and i felt suffocated by that... i need to be free.... but i totally still need a beating... lol... that is all i have for this day... 

im going to be very mature about all of this..........

i broke the paddle with my butt... im very sorry for that as it is not nice or polite to do that... but please i still need a beating .... im crying here....

i need a beating .........anybody local want to give me a beating? i am a good masochist...... please?????

talking to a friend of mine reminded me that yesterday i found a new scar... AWESOME... on my right calf.... i like to rub it and remember getting it.... smile....

Patience is a virture and absence makes the heart grow fonder right??????

My journal for this day is ......... i have stuffed my pain girl in her box and am sitting on the lid... i hear her knocking but i am trying to keep her quiet....---- i will earn my beating the proper way not in a bratty way...... that is all smiles and hugs...

Today i am just going to say it if it is to much for people to handle then oh well ... go have your cookie and move on this is my journal for this day.... i need to once again ride the razors edge... i am a masochist and i need to be pushed to my limit... i need to be black and blue and bleeding and begging for it to stop.... that is the type masochist i am .... choke me til i pass out and beat me some more... til im broken please this is how i feel at the moment and this is me raw and unpolished this is what i was born for .... to be a true sadist tool.. no safe words no traffic lights... my body is made for torture... why is it so hard for me to ask for this... does it offend for me to need this?? ... dont feel bad for doing this to me its what i want please beat the shit out of me... why do i feel guilty over asking for this.? im afraid this will be what causes my downfall is the darker urges in me that attracted you to me in the beginning... that what was my part... i just dont know how to stop her from screaming at me... i wish i saw the true sadist in you getting off to hurting me it is a beautiful thing when a sadist delights in hurting his toy... please.....

Sometimes it is nice to look back and say yeah i may miss it like crazy but i am glad they're well and i mean that with all my heart i am not a greedy person or materialistic i hope with all my heart that people from my past present and future all feel blessed from knowing me and not burdened.... i am a true to my heart and a natural lover... i dont try to push myself on people i want them to be happy i am with them not feel weighted by my being there...i want the best for all mankind and need to believe the best in people... it is odd for someone like me to feel this way but it is the only way to not let the bitter consume you... i need to keep this in focus please dont let me forget this Daddy please... i am looking at a very rough time coming up with the time of year and such... and i will get bitter as Dec approaches.. i will try to break off and isolate myself ... please dont let me... and my new living conditions do not help i am embarrassed by that a bit... i was doing so well... anyway have a great weekend Sir i am not sure if i will make it your way on Sun or not we will just have to see.... prolly not with kids and school ...

All im going to say is thank you Daddy........ thank you for being who you are in everyway..... you are my rock and my hero.......

looking forward to a weekend with friends......... i really need that......

you know i like my online journal and i am not going to hide it anymore......... it is a piece of me and i love it.........

keep on swimming

okay all my teachings say this ......... i am thankful for my family and friends ......... keep on swimming......keep on swimming

argh i hate the night time after these last two days im scared of the dark...sigh.........going to try to sleep

Thank You Daddy... i needed to hear your voice this morning thank you so much.... i hope your day was good i love you very much.... i cant wait to see you tomorrow......

Thank You Sir for talking to me and helping me... the world is right when i talk to You.........

i am thankful for my computer crashing and not posting what i wrote earlier..............

i try to be a good girl........ i thank my Sir very much..... he is very good to me....

le purrrrrrrrrrrrr  thank you so much .............

i try to keep a positive outlook on things .............but i need ........ sigh.....to be petted and beat on and such......... but i am apparently opening a dating service for my friends.... that is nice..... i am trying to stay upbeat and bouncy it is just hard on the long stretches of alone time.... maybe i will talk to one of my leather sisters she goes through this as well...

... i will be okay....

le sigh~~~~~

I am blessed to have a job i am thankful for my family.... i am thankful for all of my loved ones past and present... when i stress i tend to find it helpful to say and talk about what i am thankful for..... i would really be thankful for a beating.....LMAO but i will wait for Daddy and not throw myself in traffic for pain......... LOL

I'm having a cutlery sale!!! 50% off all knives in my back!!!!

well i thought i was ....... but i am very confused now and dont understand what i did wrong..........goodnight all .......i am sorry Daddy i am....

get to spend time with Daddy yay!!!!

get to spend time with family tonight and tomorrow that always does my heart good.......

I am so very glad to be back with my Leather Family.... they take excellent care of me and are always there for me.............i dont earn the support they give me at times but i always at least try to......i still try to keep the masochist in me quiet as she does tend to scream at times.... i need a cathartic beating ...... no safe words no street lights.... just beat me till you are done.....but it has been so long since i have had one im not sure if i can even get to that point anymore.....i hate feeling like i need more than others are able to dish out.... it makes me feel like something is wrong with me.... is there many masochist out there like me??? that need to be broken like that??????? that like to be told that "no you are going to take what i give you "even when you are begging for it to stop.... or crave for them to crank it up and break it off in your ass????i hate to tell people that this person exist in me because most people look at me like something is wrong with me.... i dont want to feel like this but i try to be honest//// but i am scared that if they find out they will not like that deep maso part of me... it takes a hard core sadist to stifle that voice in me... and i have to be very careful about who i play with because of how much i can take... so i am very lucky to be where i am now and be in a safe and loving family who understand me...

blah blah blah ball sack.............

ummm im so running now before this journal entry gets read ...lol.... anyway i will keep the masochist quiet for the weekend i guess.... but i am going to try to have a super duper weekend in Dallas yipee.....but yeppers i am so setting out the bait .... you hit like a girl... is that all ya got??? yawn, have you started yet??? oh yes im sorry wake me when we are done...zzzzzz.....  

i need a beating .... but the person i need to beat on me i guess just isnt up for it.... le sigh~~~~

well this slave girl is going to bed....... night all

well i tried to make amends .... maybe this trip out of town will be good for me idk.... i hope so.... i was so glad that i had company today with my test thank you....goodnight all...

im having a test tomorrow i have no idea what they are looking for and i am going alone ... but i will be okay as long as i dont get lost im so bad with directions....

sometimes i wonder why i try so hard .... does anybody really notice that i spend so much time working on me.... and that i want to be an amazing person without any baggage.... but the fact is we all have a past and we just try our best to work around it and hope that we get it right.... no body is perfect if we were we would be pretty boring..... but also we cant use our past as a crutch or an excuse to keep behaving like children ... accountability for our actions is very important for us as humans it is what has made us civilized... or at least somewhat....i have been wrong and i own it and try to apologize to those i hurt ... i am trying to fix that by removing myself from a situation that i was causing others pain... i hope one day that they will see that i am just trying to help ....no amount of words can say that i was not the problem ... i AM the problem.. so i have fixed it...i am sorry to those i hurt...  

sometimes we just have to be the bigger person take the hit and go on.... if you have run things through your head and dont see another path that doesnt hurt other people then do what is right and just be done with it ... this was not an easy decision it came with a heavy price... but it is the right one for all involved... and it will make things so much easier for all involved.... seriously it solves it all and we all know it... i mean if i had meant that much well......anyway im done talking in circles and riddles .... i am alone again but i will be a better girl like this .. a stronger girl.... one who will be okay and not scared of the dark anymore... im going to be me and learn to love me and the scary masochist inside... im not going to cry anymore... im going to be fine and this makes so much better sense than hurting others i just began to hate myself over that...

I hope all have a great weekend .... i am working on being okay with alone time at the moment this is very important for my progress as a slave and poly member.. and love ME , and a few other things ... at the moment i am trying to keep the masochist quiet... it is best for me to do so right now......

Does anybody else feel like things are off balance somewhat..... i just dont seem to be able to find the right footing or grip.... i feel like i am riding the tilt a whirl at the carnival .... i try to keep on track but without much direction or guidance i tend to drift off track....i at times need a firm hand...or  i'll just do what i want to do........ would anyone even notice that im gone... i wonder at times i really do. ...........im sure im wrong  but that is pretty much all i know from Men is to be used and when they are done i am disposed of ... so i keep waiting for that shoe to drop... maybe i just caught a bad day .. i dont know,,, maybe thats all i am.... a hey baby how much????? any how i will have a better day tomorrow

snuggles are the best!!!!

my journal for today is my butt broke a boat paddle............. woo hoo...... i do need to apologize as it is not nice to break others toys.. but did i mention my butt broke a boat paddle!!!!

well i had a great time with friends and family last night i miss Sir and Maam but it is good to have others to lean on also in the family....but i have been having a hard time understanding a few things about my dynamic... anyway that is better left for private conversation and not put online............ i need to think more....

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

My journal for the day will be more of lessons learned than anything else.... i have learned that you just cant please some people and that they are always trying to spew venom your way no matter what... but you know what else i learned ? that it doesnt matter... i am a good person and the family i am with now proves that ... they are good people and i love them very much... i also learned that i cant let others try to use emotional leverage against me... i try to please everyone and it sometimes gets me in trouble .....and that its okay to let my thoughts out i dont need to fear saying whats on my mind....they love me for me and that is what family is all about.......

ugh did i mention i have a spider phobia not a fear but a complete lose my mind run over my own children scream bloody murder crazy person type thing?? and no Bad Sir for thinking of exploiting that... i tried to jump in the river out of a boat to get away before...

anyway i am trying to get my daily journal in so that i can stay caught up on it ... i like to do my daily task it reminds me of my service as a slave and calms my belly.... in the morning the masochist is still asleep mostly...LOL ... but i will sing my moring diddy anyway .... i need to be beat on..... la la la ..i need to be beat on.... im just feeling silly today.... big smile  for Sir and Maam i miss you both... Hugs... 

I find that some people are offended by the extreme level i can play at... why do people find that marks that last for days are offensive?? to me they are badges of honor... i love each one and if they end up turning into a scar thats okay too... whip me til i bleed i dont care im getting off on it TRUST ME!!! I love the feel of a good paddle digging in til i think i am white lighting.... i know i have hit my threshold at that time... here lately i find that most of my journal end up about my masochistic side and less about the slave in me... i always felt the slave came very natural in me and i am born for that but the masochist i fought that for a long time.... i did not want to be tha.....but i am... i very much am a masochist...

i have many things to be thankful for and the biggest part is my family they are very supportive of me and are understanding of my quirks.... we all have them but i just need to learn to fight mine better and i promise to do a better job of that and sit down with Sir when they return and talk to Him about it all.... this slave does miss Them very much..

Well its Monday what can i say except for i do not want to go to work..... i had a rough night last night ~~~sigh~~~ but thanks to family i got through it.. thank you so much.... i dont like being vulnerable as i like to think of myself as a strong slave... and i know my worth it is just that when the one that made you or turned you into the slave you are comes and sits in your ear it is hard to stop the music,.,.... only other slaves or true Masters are going to understand that remark... that person knows just the areas that are not completely sewn up or finished with construction... as that person should they are the one that was building it.... they know just where to plant the seeds of doubt and just what to say to cause the most hurt... i need to remember as i have stated before i need to look forward and not back ... i have nothing in the past i need to take with me i try to find little things to bring with me but they always end up hurting me so why bother.??? oh and to my Sir who will be reading this i miss ya much and still need that beating!!!

I find myself starting to fight my masochist for head space... argh..... i need a good beating... i need a good beating...... i need my fix... please.......

i will be doing vanilla today so i dont get myself in trouble ...... big smile ..... taking my kids to movies ......i need to do stuff like that it is good for them and me it soothes my heartache... will journal more later going back to bed now....

i am trying to keep a positive outlook this is a difficult weekend for me... i do not do well alone at times like this so i will try to stay busy.... i find my slave belly is restless but managable... it is the dark masochist in me that is hard to keep quiet and tame... look forward not back as that causes me the most difficulty...

no ranting for today folks !! just a slave girl writing her daily journal.. i am doing well on my path and try to keep myself in the right headspace ... i am a slave so it is hard without daily direction... i dont have to have someone tell me what to do i am very capable of daily task and such .. but i like to feel one's hold over me and know i have pleased my Master...

it is nice to kneel at Masters feet and have him grab a fistfull of my hair and ask "What are you?" and my reply is "Yours i am Yours"... now that is hot hot hot!!!  

all i can say is that really really hurts....i did nothing to deserve being caught up in that mess...

a parasite REALLY!!! OMG  .......i do not like being made fun of about my journal entries....

so here is my journal for the day.. being a slave is a honor .... i have accepted that part of me it takes more courage to be a slave than anything i have ever done in my life.. i need a Master that will take control over me and dominate me.. but i am also accepting with my station as a slave therefor i do not fight it.. i am a masochist that flys very high so when played correctly i put on a very good "show".. if that is what makes me a parasite then so be it.. but also understand the high that a Master gets from dominating a accepting slave and the power that he feels knowing that if he asked his slave to lick his boots she will gladly crawl over and do just that and get off on it... and being a masochist well is just icing on the cake.. i get off on pain and that makes me feed the dark sadist in a Master... i can take some of the hardest hits i am sorry i did not ask to be the way i am i just am.. i have sacrificed alot to be a slave and i have earned the station of being called that... no i do not have a owner or Master or a collar... but that does not make me any less of a slave...  or any less of a submissive.. i will earn a Masters collar when the time is right...

 out of respect please hold all messages .... thank you

i get to go to my first sub meeting yay... and my first HH party on Sat .. my new family takes me to all kinds of firsts and new things they always include me ... i am so lucky to have been able to come into service with them...

as i spend more time in the public scene i get more and more questions about the mindset i have as a masochist..i never really think about it as i am just learning about this part of me and i am still finding new and hidden things all the time... it has been a wonderful journey and i love it .. i find that part of me the easiest to polish and shape.... the slave part of me is also a natural trait that the BDSM world just allowed me to set free... i know i was born for this and i have found people who embrace this part of me and understand it i am so fortunate to have that support structure...

Thank you so much to my chosen family and the Big Daddy Bear for helping me out today... i am so grateful to them for being there to help me when i stumble .. i try not to but sometimes i cant seem to find the right footing.. i dont like feeling like i am the weak link but sometimes darn it i am just emotional and i cant help it.... im a girl i am just built that way it may be why i am such a good masochist i dont know... but the support from the family really helps alot... thank you so much ... i know i am not alone anymore....

Sometimes i wonder if i am doing what is right for myself as well as my family? Should i just maybe stop and take the time to evaluate what i am doing with my life??? at times like this i ask myself this question many times maybe it is just the endorphines i dont know....... i will just go home and think about everything..........i dont want to hurt people or make them think im this great person when im just this broken girl who is still scared of the dark.....

Today was a little bumpy and a little emotional for me my kids struggled some and at moments like that i tend to flounder... those are the moments i will be running for my family ........... we are going to have many great memories and moments together ...

My leather family is so very supportive of me... the honor and traditions they bring with them are not only heartwarming but so very good for my soul.... i was at a point that i was considering walking away from a lifestyle that i believe i was born for... but i let a set of circumstances dictate how i viewed my self worth (or lack of)and that should never be the case i am a good slave and understand my place and am honored to serve.. i can hold my head high and be proud of what i am ... it takes great amount of courage to become a slave...  

am going to have a rocking ass weekend woo-hoo.............. :)

i found out yesterday what being in the family is about...... they all called looking out for me checking in ... it did my heart good... to have so many people concerned about me... i am good ... i am honored ....and most of all i haved moved on...........

i find to keep my masochistic needs in check i must try hard not to think about them..as i see old marks fade i sigh looking for new ones and wishing i had them to rub and go ouch from... i am sure most masochist feel that way.. i am new as a masochist and still evolving and pushing my limits.... i have been structured as a slave and built ,programmed so i struggle without the daily direction ... i am working at rebuilding myself as a independent slave and have found that my friends support is so helpful....they understand what i am going through and know i at times regress and get in a slump.... i am trying to keep myself busy that helps ...but others reading this please do not think that because i am vulnerable right now that i am weak... i use this to get my thoughts out on paper to have an outlet ....well it is Monday and alas i have bills to pay so i am off to work... sorry i had to cut this entry short...

this girl is off to bed good night all .... hope you had a super great weekend

I am off to bed thank you to my friends and family for they always treat me with kindness and understanding..... i am going to have a great day tomorrow and have a big smile for all i greet ... i will be loyal to those who are loyal to me and not look back but forward ... i am a good person and hey i am a lot of fun .. my sense of humor rocks!!!

im having a not so great day today i try to be strong but it is so very hard.... i have put a small set of tasks for me to complete to try to help myself stay focused and on track.... i am afraid that i am not a very good slave some days i feel quite disposable.... but i am not going to be a slave that is left alone ...or one that is made to feel like they are ashamed to be with me..i have friends helping me out right now and i am so glad to have them....but at times i am feeling very alone and it is so hard...

Discovering my path has been one of the most eye opening journeys of my life. When i discovered the lifestyle of course. as i am sure many people so often do it was the sexuality that caught my interest at first.... The feeling of taboo and the red hot appeal of the type of sex most people only dream about.... When entering the lifestyle it was like a questionaire -- pick your status--- Top bottom- Dom/sub Master/slave -- all of these titles and names .. i was a very confused girl.... but i knew without a doubt i was submissive... So off on my journey i went... with all these fantasies in my head that i thought were just mind blowing ... tie me up and make me helpless ... ohhh i am so bad....lol ... (really i thought that was risque) LOL... after several scenes and meeting really great people everywhere i went.. i found my true calling and what i was born for.. i have a slave heart and have found some of the greatest and proudest moments of my life in the servitude as a slave... the moment of surrender is quite heady and a very intimate moment for those involved... for me becoming a slave was a emotional release i was free... it is beautiful... the gift is quite remarkable when given to the right Master... it is a treasure and a great responsibiltity for the Master to assume... but my path of a slave is my own and i am honored to have met great people on my way..though.i am uncollared i still find great pride in servitude and little simple daily tasks and acts of kindness... i am old fashioned in that way of taking great pleasure just in small acts of kindness to others and being a thoughtful person... i am not as outspoken or loud as others i am more a wallflower... but i am still a strong slave and will find my path because it is my own now... and i will make it work for me... i will be true to my heart and kind to my soul... my path is my own...

well what to say about a relationship with such promise that ends so tragic... i just need to take the lessons from it and smile through the tears because i have some pretty awesome friends helping me out right now... please  understand that i am a masochist and that can be scary with how much i can take...i need to channel it and not do stupid things with my needs ... i have a  friend that is glad to help me with my needs of a masochist and i am so grateful for that i need to be very careful it is dangerous to play that hard with people you dont know..... when i first started in the lifestyle who would of thought i would end up on this side of the scale .... please hurt me what a strange request... right??? well not in my world... it is the junk i need pain,,,,, some people it is cigarettes , alcohol,, drugs,,,, me it is pain,,,, the aches and ouches and the bruises and marks are all so special to me i am proud to wear the marks of a sadist... i will catch myself admiring them in a mirror...but the best part of the marks is that they remind me of who gave them to me and i can drift back into the moment ... mmmmm love it...i am so grateful for the lifestyle i would be quite lost without it the structure of a Master/slave relationship is so beautiful ... the amount of courage it takes to give over that much control is stunning and a great gift to the right Master....... oh well i am going to wrap this one up but yes i am single ..... but i will be okay i am a strong slave and know my worth ...

wow i have some of the best friends ever .... they  are just glad to have me there and actually like my company .... how did i miss that before... i guess i was to busy trying i dont know what anymore ... but they are some of the best people to know..... they were all very kind and understanding im so glad to have met them...

going to a play party Saturday woo hoo... lol ... i love it when Master plays me He takes me where i need to go crying , begging, flying.. pretty much a waste... but it is exactly what i need lol.. i am so ready to fly... and i get to see some of my friends... that is so great.... But i guess as most ppl know the best part is i get to spend time with Him real time ... gosh i wish we werent so far apart...

Sometimes  it is so very warming to just  be thought of ..... i think it is that gift that relationships offer so much of ... the gift of thoughtfulness.. love ,devotion, loyalty and of course  guidance... dont get me wrong i need Him to put me in check at times and he does... He will cock that eyebrow and just look at me and i get the lump in my stomach and the oh shit oh shit and i start to cry... i hate to disappoint Him but i have this temper that ewwwww... gosh it keeps me in trouble at times... but well im a redhead !!! i am sure He likes putting the fire out...but in fun only ... i know when i get my punishment i have coming i am going to cuss like a dog... maybe he should carve Naughty Slut into the paddle so my butt will  have the imprint on it... i need to please Him it is just something in me that does not ever ease up ... but when i am upset ohhhh i do stupid things that get me in trouble... oh man do they get me in trouble... but i know He knows how much i love Him and i dont like knowing that i hurt US/us with my behavior...i am full of shame over my conduct those two weeks... but i was very very lost .....i am  trying so very hard this time  there are things i need to work on about myself... and i am everyday....

Another great day in farmville................

wow today ive heard the best pick upline ever ....." i will eat your tits and make you hamburgers"...... in which i respond "awww wow REALLY?" then he replies with  his phone number...maybe i should pass him off to a Domme that will make him eat her tits and cook her hamburgers... some people just dont get it...

well this is one happy slave girl ... i got to spend the night with Master in his arms that is the best place in the world for me... my slave belly is at peace now and has the direction it so craves.... but i have learned that it is not the pain alone that i seek i need the connection with the one i serve without that my slave heart is empty ... i do not get the joy from service that makes me feel complete...i am so very proud to be His slave.... i hope other slaves will read this and have hope as well.... i will say that i had a little disappointment with a fellow submissive that i did not think or see coming... i know other slaves have run into this same type situation... where you meet others that make you feel like you are less than because you chose to be a slave.... that hurts i feel me being a slave has been one of the deepest commitments of my life... and i am so very proud of it and feel that this is what i was born for... there is nothing wrong with me being a slave and i am not any less valuable because of that.. and i am not brainless at all... i am college educated have a great career and am very sucessful... but i am a slave... before all else i am a mother but still i am a slave....so all slaves out there keep your head up and be proud of what you are.... never feel beneath others over that.... you hve entrusted another enough to turn over all control to another that takes huge amount of courage....  

Thank you for answering my questions Master ... you are always so great to talk to.

i am after all a slave .... i get that but i am just so confused on certain things and a little upset no one takes the time to explain things to me.....sigh... that is all i am going to bed now....

MY bottom is ruby red this morning still.. lol  Thank to all my friends !!! it was a great cause to support i am so very glad i came out to support the cure and get my spankings,,, the Houston scene has an excellent community and good support.....

Going to get birthday spankings tonight i am ao lucky to have such good friends!!!

one very lost slave ......