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About rayndrop
Happily Married Submissive here to journal about my new adventures in a not-so-new marraige and to make friends with those of Y/you who understand the challenges and rewards of this world.
Thank Y/you to the friends who helped me to find the courage to communicate with my husband and free myself of the lonliness i was feeling. Y/you are walking angels and Y/you've given me the little push i needed to walk down the path i would not have chosen for fear.
Absolutely friends only. |
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Wow! Lots of news.
To those of Y/you who suggested that i try to speak with my husband again about my submissive side, thank Y/you so very much.
i did it. i opened my mouth and fumbled nervously through that conversation with my husband. He was much more open-minded than the last time i had tried to talk with him about it but i forced myself this time to explain everything in detail about my past. That was hard to do. i was very afraid that if he knew the details that he would judge me and see me differently. i risked our entire marraige but it turned out to be a wonderful gamble. He understands now and even has promised that so long as i am patient with him fumbling through our first efforts that he will be happy to meet my needs.
Honestly it all went so well that we've had one of the best weekends of our lives. It was amazing. He fell so naturally into a dominant role that i'm beginning to believe that he is naturally dominant and that he just needed my (very clear and direct) permission to release himself. We played and teased each other all weekend and he seemed like a new lighter man who was able to forget the insane amount of responsibility and stress he carries. i am a happy woman looking forward to a future where my sexual needs will no longer be a malicious temptation but instead a welcomed release. i feel a fool for not having seen these possibilities myself.
In other news i had to take my photograph down a day after it was posted. Oh my gosh! i got about 40 messages in a day. While its very flattering i don't like the fact that i won't be able to answer them all. i hope that the senders will at least be able to read this journal and know that it is decided and i am not available for more than just friendships, strictly friendships.
i will probably spend much less time here in the days to come but i will still stop in to visit friends and perhaps journal about this adventure into marital bliss... lol..
Again, thank Y/you to those who listened and my apologies to those whom i was not able to reply to.
Sweet Day F/friends,
rayndrop
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What a difference a day makes when it comes to being able to deal with this complicated web called reality. Yesterday evening i had planned to speak with my husband again about my desires and this side of me that he has chosen to not get to know. i got myself psyched that i would just lay it all on the line in plain language so he could understand. He fell asleep on the couch before i even got the boys into bed. lol... So much for that thought.
i pulled him out of his usual midday rush a few minutes ago and explained to him that we needed to talk tonight so that there will be no snoring when i do try again. He's back at work again and i'm in a good mood even though inside i'm wrapped in knots. i don't even know how to begin so i imagine i'll just open my mouth and out will pop the perfect words... lol... riiiiiiiight. Oh well... i have to at least try. My previous efforts were not clear enough so tonight i will find that backbone that has gotten me through so many scary situations and i will lay it all out on the line.
So much has happened on this site to remind me of how very real this side of me is. It frightened me a lot at first and it still does but i am at least coming to accept the reality of it. This isn't just a phase or some type of lunacy. Its me. Not all of me but part of me, a very real part of me.
Lord i talk too much.
Sweet day F/friends.
~rayndrop |
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So here I am. Dipping a toe back into this raging river that once coaxed me in so deeply that I nearly drowned in it.
I've corrected my life. I'm with a wonderful loving man. He truly is amazing and I have learned how to be the perfect wife. I've become the ideal mother to my sweet children. They are thriving despite the mistakes I made in my past. I've even created my own business from nothing and the neighbors gossip only about my successes. I pray and believe more deeply than ever and my spirit is free of guilt. I make careful choices. I follow all the rules and have become notably afraid of breaking them valuing the safety of predictability.
So why are my toes in this river?
What emotions. My heart hasn't pounded this hard in years. The blood rushes through my veins and I am dizzied just by 30 seconds time in a chat room and a friendly greeting that I leave unanswered. Memories hammer through my mind. Memories that I had, in the spirit of self-preservation, thrust into a vault marked "bad" and dared not open again. Memories that my logical mind has draped in anger and hatred until they could not longer be seen. Memories that almost silently sing their hypnotic songs begging me to dance just a while in the erotic past.
Tears. So much shame. Disgrace. Pain. Desire. So much desire. Anger. Fear. So much fear that I worry for my pounding heart and new pains I've never before felt cause me to step back and breath.
I remember, so why am I here? I know, so how could I even think about being .... here?
But the water feels warm and exhilarating and I long to at least wade in it. This perfect world that so many would covet, to me, carries a bland taste and leaves my mouth dry. I smile in it. I laugh in it. After all, I created it for myself. It is warm, loving, and safe.
But I am unfulfilled.
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