A home for the holidays...

The holiday times have been difficult for me for as long as I can remember… and most of the memories are bittersweet. Family, such that is, has always been important to me, though for my entire life I have always felt as though I have been on the outside looking in… My siblings I love – they are my blood family so I have to; but, despite that, I love them just because they are who they are… though I am distant and removed and have never felt, or been, close to any of them…

I feel as though I have been an interloper in my own life… going thru each day, keeping my innermost thoughts veiled so I can become what others want and need me to be at any given moment. The smile I wear conceals the sadness that lay just beyond the surface, penetrating deep within my core… a melancholy forged from the emptiness that enshrouds my life… And the holidays are especially difficult because they become a constant reminder to me of how much I miss having a home… a real home… a home to keep me safe and secure…  and where I can hang my heart at the end of the day.

Home is made up of the people who abide there, not the 4 walls that hold up the roof… I have lived with friends in their home – and it is a home – a place filled with loving and caring people.  But I have not had my own home for quite some time… And when my mother sold the childhood home that I grew up in, I knew that I would never again have a home to return to.  I visit her at her home, but it is her home, not mine… not the one I grew up in, and felt safe in, and watched my world fall apart around me in… shed my silent tears in, used laughter to hide my fears in… I have no home – and that is a profoundly sad and empty feeling.  Even when I owned my own house, it was simply that – a house.  A place to entertain friends and family in… a place to come to at the end of my day... But it was still nothing more than 4 walls, a floor, and a roof. It wasn’t filled with love and laughter, or with someone special that I could share that with… it was simply a place to live.

Now, it is much the same… a roof over my head and a place out of the elements in which to sleep at night. Emptiness abounds, and is not dispelled by the things that surround me in this tiny dwelling. And each day I feel more and more like a fraud… Plastering a magazine smile on my face and keeping a cheerful tone with something nice to say to everyone I encounter… but deep inside the silent tears flow freely. Though none will ever see them or even believe they exist…

The holidays are a constant reminder of the fact that I have no real home.  Because home isn’t a place where you store your things or go to sleep at night… home is a safe harbor… home is where you can shed your protective armor and hang your heart at the end of the day and know that it, and you, are safe… in the emptiness that is my life, there is no safe harbor, and no place to hang my heart…

Unexpectedly heading back to MD on Thurs 10/18 for work again.

Not sure where I'm stying yet, details have yet to be determined, but I suspect somehwere near the white marsh area...

Life sure does take some unexpected twists...

Guess this means I'm going to cancel my concert tickets for Thurs nite... -sigh-

Nothing kink/lifestyle related but...

actually had a day off and took myself to a wonderful performance. It's nice to know that even though I can't seem to find anyone that can (or is willing to) meet up with me around the crazy work schedule I have, every now and then I can find something free to do that is really so enjoyable, and I can do it on my own!

Sat thru a wonderful live performance of an incredible world renouned string quartet who had a couple guest artists join them... A little classical, a little contempory and a little jazz - but a wonderful evening no matter how you look at it!

It's nice to know that even in today's piss-poor economy, one can still occassionally find free things to do that are well worth their time and effort to search out. Definately goes far to help forget the idiots online who simply forget what it's like to exist in today's polite society!

Good grief! 2nd time in 10 days that another senior citizen has contacted me for what seems to be a cyber drive-by... initial unsolicited contact followed up 2 min later with insults and vulgarities... a feeble attempt at humiliation I suspect.  Sadly, he like the others have failed miserable.  I did appreciate a good laugh at the pathetic attempt...  

If I had to paint it as a picture I'd have a feeble cartoon character grandpa - much like the old pervert on family guy who is always trying to entice the little boys into his house - driving by with his old geezer buddy who can barely see over the steering wheel driving the car when he leans out and tries tossing insults out the window as the car chugs down the street at about 3 miles an hour... Once the insults have been launched they try to speed away like little children who run up to ring your doorbell then scampered into the bushes to hide...  

And yes - the old geezers conducting the cyber drive-by's simply block you so you can't reply after they insult you with vulgarities and swear at you. And they do all of this before you even have a chance to finish reading their fssrt unsolicited post... gotta love the childish nature of people online...  

Probably just as well that I can't reply - I'm sure the meaning of my prose would have been lost on their pathetic little minds; I really don't think they possess the intellect capable of comprehending what would have occurred.  And I'm beginning to believe that as some men age, they do become much more immature and infantile.

Why are people in today's society not willing, or able, to take responsibility for their own actions???

The way so many people behave online is reprehensible!!

For a supposedly civilized society, we are falling vastly short of even remotely acceptable anymore! and those who think that the safety of hiding behind the computer affords them card blanche to be rude, crude, abusive, and socially unacceptable are simply nothing more than a pathetic reflection of the dreges of our society... and that is a sad commentary indeed!

 It never ceases to amaze me how immature some of the people on here are!

 It's so childish to make a rude and insulting comment to someone that you don't even know, after having shared maybe 3 senstences with, and then block them because you are afraid of their response.

 If you're not going to like my answer, or are not prepared to deal with it, then DON'T ask me any questions!!! But don't ask the question and then run and hide before I even reply... and if you ask me a question, you don't have to agree or even like my response, but don't cop an attitude just because you don't like the answer; that is so callow... and for those of you who are that ignorant,  it means Immature!

If you don't have the balls to stand up and take a reply from someone when you initiate the contact, then you probably shouldn't be contacting them at all... that's like a 6 yr old calling someone names and picking on them and then running to hide behind mommy's skirts because they are afraid of what might happen next.  I would have expected a more mature behavior from the senior citizen who contacted me this evening... but I guess it's true what they say: some people may grow older, but they never grow up!

Well, time to head back home... hope the sunshine stays so nice on my way back north.

well my time in this area is almost at an end and I don't mind admiting that I'm rather disappointed with the fact that I've not found anyone to even have a real, face-to-face, old fashion conversation with thus far.

-sigh- I guess just having a change of scenery was nice though, even if the routine was the same as back home: work, work, work and more work...  I do hope that someday I'll be able to find a more pleasurable passtime than work!

Sunday night - much later that it should be....

Made it down in good time, and other than a brief stint to the grocery store for some sensible food, I've done nothing other then sit in the quiet hotel room, touch up my nail polish and wonder if the rest of the week is going to turn out like this...

Wouldn't be bad - I usally like to relax in my room after hitting the hot tub, but the pool is closed for the season and there is no hot tub.... Story of my travel life this year... And hot tubs are the best part of traveling and staying in a hotel. oh well - such is life. Maybe I can find something more interesting to do since there's not going to be relaxing in a hot tub in my future.  Feel free to contact me with ideas and suggestions...

Long stressful few months and I'm looking forward to a change of scenery...

 Although it's for business reason, I am thankful to be working out of town for a week.

The hours will be long but the faces new and at least there should be a hot tub to relax in at the end of a tiring day...  Sometimes that's enough...

 Will be heading down to the Baltimore area from the 9th thru the 15th... Always enjoy making new friends and conversing with someone interesting.

 So if you're from that area, or even visiting yourself, drop me a line and we can converse a bit... even if it's nothing more than to tell me about the gridlock on the roads and any road construction in the area. (actually especially if it's to tell me about road construction heading down Rt 81 and 83 thru PA). 

 Also if anyone in the Baltimore area knows what the weather forecast is supposed to be I'd appreaciate that info too...

  Thanks and hope everyone enjoys their weekend.

Well my mid-week spontaneous escape to Scranton proved very restful, albiet quiet and uneventful. I conversed with a few people, (only online but still that was enough) and spent a very quiet and peaceful evening alone. Sometimes alone is the best, though every now and then I'd enjoy some companionship for a short time...

But there's always another day and another adventure to be had!

I'll be in Scranton PA later this afternoon into the evening. (Tue 6/12)

Was hoping to find someone to meet and perhaps even play with while I was there, but so far it seems as though it's going to be a very quiet and uneventful trip. :( 

But hopefully maybe someone will be gutsy enough to venture out to converse in person instead of hiding behind a computer screen.

I'll be traveling to the Scranton PA area early next week (6/12-13) and will be willing to meet with most anyone in that area while I'm there.