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as some can figure out, adding a third for bedroom fun has evolved into Sir and i being full on poly. it is a fun adventure and i am very very attatched to my new dom bf. |
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well Master and I are considering adding a third person to our bedroom fun. I just worry about the aftermath of it. Will I feel like I have cheated or like he has cheated? Will I feel betrayed being tied and used by another man? Will he think I liked the other man better? How will this change our marriage of nearly 7 years? How do you pick such a person? Will he be a co-Dom of me? Fellow sub? Is there such a thing as a co-Dom? Anyone reading this is welcome to share comments with me, answers are appreciated but not expected! My brain is so full of question right now. |
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my very best friend has decided to explore BDSM. She bombarded me with questions about it for hours. Everything from techniques to philosophy. Shes even going to attend one of me and Masters private dinners. Just to kind of get a feel of what it really is and not a fake porno idea. She has said she is sure she is Domme so it will be interesting to be looking at her from the bottom.
I think this dinner will be a chance to become more comfortable being a slave in front of other people. I look forward to being a teaching aid and having the chance to make my Master proud of me. He does love to show me off. |
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well I guess Master read my journal about last night since he wasnt really sure what to do with me. I was prepared to accept the worst from him. When he came to bed he found me all tucked into a ball crying. After a few minutes of petting my hair and talking to me in a nice soothing voice I was very sure he was about to get the cane. For those of you who dont know, I hate the cane. Not like a cute "oh noes!" I really hate his cane. But, I was sure I was going to get it.
Instead of the cane though, Master played shadow puppets on our bedroom wall for half and hour while my tears dried on my face. Even after living together, being married and being his slave he can still surprise me. When do you really find out your Master knows how to make a dinosaur shadow puppet with his hands that will eat slaves' hair?
I can be such a little girl sometimes, I just laid there curled up in his arm watching various shadow creatures eat my hair while I giggled. That small act of compassion on his part made me able to do things in the bedroom for him that never had been able to do before. A small sacrifice of myself and suffering from me to thank him for his kindness and tender love in the right moments followed by sadistic love in future moments. |
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Today for the second time in mine and Masters relationship I used my safe word. And, just like the first time I used it I felt like the worst person that ever was. The first time was because I was really in pain and used it for health reasons. This time was because I was completely petrified of what Master was about to do. It turned out that he wasnt going to do what I thought, he was going to do something lesser. I don't know where my unrealistic fear of play and submission in a public setting comes from but I am starting to think my fear is unnecessary.
I think all I needed was a moment to breathe deeply and calm myself with a little bit of Masters reassurance. I feel terrible for upsetting my Master and I wish he would have talked to me about what he was planning before he started. Maybe that is asking for too much as a submissive with the same Dom for six years?
When I submit in my own home there are no problems. When I submit in front of our closest friends I have no problems. But in front of people I dont know I become very timid to the point of crying if I have to say yes Sir louder than a whisper. What the hell is my problem?
I can tell this will be one of those things that I kick myself for over and over until by some miracle Master decides me worthy again to give me an emotional release so extreme I vow to myself to never screw up again. He didn't even want me to serve his dinner tonight and it nearly broke my heart. I feel horrible. |
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More and more I learn about myself. I've found out that even though the thought of it scares me, I enjoy showing my submission to other people for my Master. Last night we had a few friends over and very late in the evening Master ordered me to the floor on my own patio. It didn't feel odd like I thought. Partly because it was only my best friend and Masters best friend there. Also Masters best friend is a switch mostly submissive and a few hours earlier he was on the floor to demonstrate a position. It was a very comforting place to be staring at everyone's shoes. Somehow the cold cement was a good feeling on my face even though when I got up there were marks on my face.
I used to be ashamed of my kink but I found out my best friend is very interested in it. That made dropping to the floor with the point of a finger much easier knowing I didn't have to be ashamed of what I like.
I also talked to Masters best friend about the parties we are going to. He was very reassuring and it was nice to hear it from someone I have known for a good amount of time. Plus I think it helps to have a friend like him who is not ashamed of what he likes and drops to the floor in a vanilla setting to demonstrate a slave position.
It was also very erotic to hear him and Master talking about me like I was Masters pedigree pet. With Master saying yes she knows those rules and yes she knows position etc etc. I got a smile within when I started giggling and Master said stop and I did. His best friend tried to make me giggle and I absolutely could not even crack and smile. He said he was impressed to Master and then I had my inward smile.
I am slightly more at ease about the upcoming parties and I am very grateful my Master is trying to mentally prepare me for them. |
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Last night Master decided it was time to play with me and good thing too. I had a lot of pent up frustration over life and college and just everything at the moment. During the munches and the club we went to I had committed some minor infractions. For those of you who don't know I strive to be a "good girl" so doing something wrong is very hard for me. It's almost like Master flipped on his super sadist switch and as soon as the pain began the crying started. I cried harder than I had in a while and could only think of what a horrible slave I had been for my Master and felt unworthy of him. I started to welcome the punishment as a means to cleanse myself of the bad behavior. I only wanted more and more pain with more sobbing and me babbling apologies. After I had drenched the pillows with tears and started to not feel pain my Master in all of his wisdom stopped and told me how wonderful I was and how proud he was of me.
Through this experience I learned a few things about myself. I learned when Master says not to move I really cannot move from my set position no matter what he is doing. I also learned that even if I find something ridiculous, if Master says I need punishment for it, I feel moody and empty until the negative item has been fixed.
Looking back now I also realize yet again how in tune Master is with my body. As soon as I drifted off into sub space and couldn't flinch anymore under extreme pain he stopped and took care of my psychological needs.
Just to make things clear I wasn't crying from the pain. I was crying as a release. Master has never caused me to cry from pain it is always an emotional release for me. |
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uh kay all, Master decided to get a profile on collarme, his name is Unaucht.
on another note today was the last day of the semester for me so WOOOOOHOOOOOO! bring on the summer break....sorta. i only get like 3 weeks off because i'm taking more classes in the summer. so all of you people i have been emailing, if you want to meet up somewhere now is the time to decide when and where within mine and Masters free 3 weeks. |
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well Master and i just got back from the pleasure bound munch in sacramento. it was a lot of fun and we cant wait for the next one. and let me tell you few who have read my entire journal, if i wasnt nervous about the play party i sure as hell am now. terrified even. something about going naked and even just being spanked bare assed scares the hell out of me.
i mean after youve been spanked or flogged or anything in front of a group of people, how do you look them in the eye again at the next munch meeting? Master is all woohoo lets go, get the duffle bag of toys and i am feeling terrified. i have no problem being bare ass and letting my soul show in front of Master with tears running down my face, but how am i going to cope with other people playing even the most minor part in that.
i guess i am very timid in front of other people. and that thing about how i can just look at Masters boots and all will be ok.....i dont think He will go for that. He asked me how i felt being on a cross in front of people and i could barely speak. i stayed silent for so long that he actually had to nudge me and say "well?"
anyone have any words of wisdom for me? |
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so last night Master and i went with some friends to the Asylum in sacramento. it was a lot of fun except i got stuck with my friends purse and couldnt dance at all. :( after going there i am reminded i want a custom made corset. i would order online but i would actually like to have someone else measure me and be able to tell them exactly what i want and point to those parts of my body while i am explaining. if anyone knows a corset maker within about two hours of me i would appreciate the contact information. anyone else go to the asylum in sacramento? |
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i just have to say i feel for all of you single dominants out there. i see mostly single doms on this page and it must be a lonely road to be on. good luck to all looking for their perfect partner. |
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something funny i have to share.
last night Master had me bent over bare assed and was spanking me for a minor infraction. As he was doing it (and he spanks hard) he was gritting his teeth and saying "why *smack* do you have to *smack* be such a *smack* pain *smack* in my *smack* ASS?"
i couldnt stop myself from laughing. he got really pissed for a minute and he was like what the fuck is so funny?
i told him it was kind of interesting that he was calling me the pain in the ass when he was the one smacking my ass. he found it funny for about 10 seconds and then punished me for it. i dont know what got into me but i just couldnt stop laughing once i thought of it. anyone agree? |
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alright thats it, i have got to say it, i love porn. im a subbie girl married and collared and i love porn. how come guys get to like porn but i never hear girls talk about it. lets say it loud and proud everybody now
I LOVE PORN AND IM A GIRL!
and i dont want to hear any of that crap of how its disrespectful to women, no one cares about the men huh? i'm sure this wont surprise anyone on this website (if it does i will be surprised) but it sure does surprise the rest of the world...heres the news flash for the rest of the world:
some girls like having sex for money, for a crowd, for a movie etc.
now i feel the need to get out the screen printer and make a shirt with big pink letters that says I Love Porn. and maybe where it to grandmas house.
can anyone tell at the moment i am feeling a little bit repressed inside my own head? makes me also feel a little bit rebellious. |
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i thought of something interesting today and it can all be summed up in few words from my submissive point of view:
you dominate because i allow it and i submit when you demand it.
that pretty much sums up the relationship i have with Master. i know a lot of doms wouldnt like to hear it but it's true. you only get to be Master if say you do. you only get your power because i give it to you and if i dont like how you handle it i can take it away. now a lot of people will get me wrong here, there is nothing wrong with my relationship with my dom/husband. he is fantastic at what he does and it always leaves me literally begging for more.
i just thought when that saying came into my mind it was a great way to sum up a power exchange.
tonight we are going over the rules for our first munch on saturday (yes now we have more munches we have been invited to). but of course we cant just "talk" about the rules we have to make it fun. and speaking of rules.....
im so horrible at being a bad submissive now. today i was writing down our 5 scene rules that are always the rules and i got number 1,2,3 and 5. i forgot what 4 was. and i couldnt think of it. and it started bothering me. i just stared at my paper. i finally had to call Master at work and ask him what number 4 was. i dont know when it shifted but i used to love being a brat. now its like i'm trying as hard as possible to be good. and i hate when ive let him down even on little stupid things. i mean i was writing this list in my free time to put in my pocket to memorize it better. i just wish i knew how he got me turned around from loving being a brat to freaking out if i'm not perfectly submissive to his every whim. how did he do that? |
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I got Master and I invited to a munch in sacramento 2 weeks ago. Now that the munch is about 5 days away I am really really nervous. Supposedly you go to the munch to get an invite to the play party. and then it hit me like a car running over a cat..... GOOD GAWD WHY DO I WANT TO GO TO A PLAY PARTY o_o. I am scared to death. the munch will be no problem because well thats in a normal vanilla place but OMFG a party where i could possibly disgrace Him and and and other people there looking at me. I really wonder what i was thinking. I want so badly to make Him proud but the thought of screwing up in front of other people makes me shake. I know it's supposed to be whatever makes you happy and just be polite and all that stuff....
but what if He asks me to get on the cross and i just cant and there are people looking at me! well i know i would get on there anyways and silently cry my little submissive heart out but i'm so used to having to hide our lifestyle that having people see me like that is just terrifying. and then after that how could i look those people in the eye again...if i'm ever allowed to look them in the eye anyways.
on the one hand i welcome this experience but on the other i want to run away screaming. i hope i get someone else to talk to before the date of the party. my best friend just doesnt know any of this stuff. |
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