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Do you dare?
I release you from inhibitions
from fear
from the callous world of indifference
I chain you to my voice my touch my soft kisses against your flesh
I release you
to watch you bloom
seeing the craving in your eyes
setting free the sighs from just one touch
I chain you, like a foggy mist, obscuring all but that which I allow
I release you to your unsteady knees seeing the hunger on your lips
quiet stillness while you wait I chain you
with your bottom raised
for sweet pain to slice thru pleasure
wetting those nether lips I release you
allowing your fingers, to wade across your river and,
tread on your swollen ache
I chain you, claiming your sweet gift
nurturing your tethered need
bonding your elated ecstasy,
Oliver Wendell Holmes, the great US judge known as The Great Dissenter had said I have no respect for the passion of equality, which seems to me merely idealizing envy.
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Is it only me or are others also have issues with this site?
In any case please contact me directly on ld_flames@yahoo.com by the way it is LD_FLAMES in small |
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The power of submission lies not in the ability to kneel before another, to give over one's body or the wearing of a collar. The power of submission can be found only in the heart of one who gives her love to another freely, knowing what joy and pain will come from it. ~Unknown Author |
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My gaze burns hot,
unrelenting;
blistering your soul as if lost...
lost in need...
lost in a lake of flame...
Yet;
I find you.
Time
and time again...
I find you.
Knowing;
exactly where you are...
your state of mind...
your unfocused focus
seeing only Me;
knowing only Me...
existing
only in our moment.
It was I
who told youe of the Zen saying...
"One breath,
one lifetime...
its all the same to eternity."
This is how you feel;
kneeling
waiting
breathless...
for My touch...
for My acceptance of your offering...
of yourself
in entirety.
you are that breath;
that lifetime...
held in the timelessness of My gaze.
you await
patiently poised;
balanced beyond belief...
you
can
only be,
Mine. |
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Life without sex might be safer but it would be unbearably dull. It is the sex instinct which makes women seem beautiful, which they are once in a blue moon, and men seem wise and brave, which they never are at all. Throttle it, denaturalize it, take it away, and human existence would be reduced to the prosaic, laborious, boresome, imbecile level of life in an anthill. ~Henry Louis Mencken |
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In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb' |
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"Your imagination is your preview of life's coming attractions." Albert Einstein. |
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The Seven Pillars of Dominance
* A dominant is a ruler, but never a tyrant.
But to rule requires understanding, and understanding requires humility.
* A dominant has pride, but never arrogance.
But pride requires dignity, and dignity requires humility.
* A dominant commands respect, but never fear.
But respect requires serenity, and serenity requires humility.
* A dominant employs strength, but never force.
But strength requires knowledge, and knowledge requires humility.
* A dominant criticizes, but never derides.
But criticism requires insight, and insight requires humility.
* A dominant receives, but never takes.
But receiving requires giving, and giving requires humility.
* A dominant completes, but never tries to alter.
But to complete one must be able to see what is there, not what is missing,
and this most of all requires humility.
In short, to use an archaic phrase, noblesse oblige. If a dominant is the center of a submissive's universe, it is because she thinks so, not because he Is.
No one is respected, let alone obeyed, just because......
The truth of the matter is that owning is at least as much work as being owned!
~ J. Mikael Togneri ~ |
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A submissive washing dishes for her dominant, knowing that each soap bubble, each swirl of water is a gift, an honoring, may feel the humming resonance of a hunger, partially satisfied, deep in her spirit.
A Domme, caught up in the meditative precision of tying each knot precisely *so*, may feel an echo of cathedral walls around her, each motion guiding her, and those around her closer to the God they seek.
A masochist, floating in the scintillations of painwaves as the whip falls against her time and time again, may begin to feel their cadence as the cadence of prayer.
A hesitant sadist may, with the first hissing of his partner's breath, begin to understand the trans-formative power he wields with his strap.
-- Unknown |
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Service is the rent you pay to be living. It is the very purpose of life and not something you do in your spare time. –Marian Wright Edelman |
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"D/s is about relationships--trust and communication.
It is not always about love. It is not always about orgasms. But it should
always include communication--frank, honest, potentially hurtful, potentially
freeing and enlightening communication." ~ Author Unknown |
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Stars, hide your fires; Let not light see my black and deep desires. -- William Shakespeare |
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"Suffering becomes beautiful when anyone bears great calamities with cheerfulness; not through insensibility, but through greatness of mind."
-- Aristotle |
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"The fickleness of women I love is only equaled by the infernal constancy of the women who love me." |
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“New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.” |
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Man was predestined to have free will. ~Hal Lee Luyah |
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Q: What do ghosts enjoy for lunch?
A: Boologna sandwiches, peanutbooter cookies & a salad with boocheese dressing.
Q: What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A: A Bloodhound!
Q: Where did they put Dracula when he was arrested?
A: In a red bloodcell!
Q: What does Frankenstein serve for dessert?
A: I Scream.
Q: What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now?
A: Decomposing.
Q: Why don't witches wear panties?
A: So that they can get a good grip on the broom. |
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“Forget safety.
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
Be notorious.”
― Rumi |
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“Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.”
― Rumi |
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Feelings that originate in the human genitalia are among the most powerful forces on earth. They have a complex relationship with the feelings that stem from the human heart; at various times in competition or in harmony... One of the supreme goals of spiritual work is to harness the sexual urges in service to the heart's wisdom. -- Rob Brezsny |
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The flesh surrenders itself. Eternity takes back its own. Our bodies stirred these waters briefly, danced with a certain intoxication before the love of life and self, dealt with a few strange ideas, then submitted to the instruments of Time. What can we say of this? I occurred. I am not...yet, I occurred.
Frank Herbert
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Submission is not about being used, submission is about being of use.
submission is not about what is done to you, submission is about what you do for others " "Strong men simply need women.
This will never be understood by weak men.
A strong man needs a woman at his feet, who is truly his.
Anything else is less than his fulfillment.
-- Unknown |
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Fun Facts About Australia - Geography
No part of Australia is more than 1000 km from the ocean and a beach. (The point in the world that's the furthest from any ocean would be in China.)
Australia has the world's largest cattle station (ranch). At 30,028 km2 it is almost the same size as Belgium.
Population density in Australia is usually calculated in km2 per person, not people per km2. Australians have 380,000 m2 per person available. Yet well over 90% are cramming into our coastal cities.
We call Australian's from Queensland "banana benders", and people from Western Australia are "sandgropers".
Tasmania has the cleanest air in the world.
The Great Barrier Reef has a mailbox.
You can ferry out there and send a postcard, stamped with the only Great Barrier Reef stamp.
The Australian Alps, or Snowy Mountains as they are also known, receive more snow than Switzerland.
Melbourne has the second largest Greek population in the world, after Athens. |
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The path to slavery is so narrow that two cannot walk upon it at the same time, hence why the slave must crawl behind. -- Unknown |
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I want to do with you
What spring does
With the cherry trees. -- Pablo Neruda |
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If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes
~ St. Clement of Alexandra |
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Faith is an oasis in the heart
which will never be reached
by the caravan of thinking.
Kahlil Gibran |
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You desire to know the art of living, my friend? It is contained in one phrase: make use of suffering.
- Henri-Frederic Amiel |
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If you want to lift yourself up, lift up someone else. - Booker T. Washington |
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The true warrior does not seek to enslave that which is by its nature free. That which lives free shall die free. That which is not free will suffer the chains of its own slavery. -- 70th Aphorism of the Gorean Warrior code. |
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Red Flags and Dating Tips for Kinky People
"Red flag" is a term to describe a personal trait or behavior that is common in people who are harmful to their partners. When getting to know someone online it is very important that you look for these flags. When you see these red flags slow down or stop the relationship. Understand that none of these red flags alone are definitely a sign of a bad person. They only tend to be an indicator of a problem situation. The more you see these red flags, the more you are at risk. Many of these red flags can apply to both unhealthy Doms and subs. These recommendations are to help you avoid getting into an abusive relationship. If you think you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship please contact SOMEBODY!
Red Flags:
1) Tries to separate you from your friends, family or BDSM community?
2) Avoids talking about personal details.
Gets mad when you ask or quickly ends the conversation or answers questions with questions.
3)Has no BDSM references or friends you can talk to.
4)Gets angry when you ask for references or ask around about them.
5)Is inconsistent with details about themselves.
6)Does not give you their home and work phone number at the appropriate time.
7)Only communicates with you at strange hours and gets mad if you try to contact them at other times.
8)Criticizes the BDSM community and refuses to participate, especially if they never were part of it.
9)Consistently breaks promises.
10)Always finds excuses for not meeting.
11)Always puts blame on others for things going wrong.
12)Does not take personal responsibility.
13)Has bad relationships with most or all of their family members.
14)Pressures you into doing things you do not want to do.
15)Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts.
16)Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast.
17)Falls in love with you way too fast and swears undying love before even meeting you.
18)Hides behind their D/s authority and says that their authority should not be questioned.
19)Tries to make you feel guilty for not being good enough. Says that you are not a "True" sub.
20)Loses control of their emotions in arguments and regresses to yelling, name-calling and blame.
21)Puts you down in front of other people.
22)Turns instantly on their friends, going from best friend to arch enemy at the drop of a hat.
23)Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.
24)Goes to great lengths to get revenge on people.
25)Lies or withholds information.
Cheats on you or is overly jealous.
26)Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like.
27)Tries to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship.
28)Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions.
29)Belittles your ideas.
30)Blames you for your hurt feelings.
31)Abuses alcohol or other drugs.
32)Is constantly asking for large amounts of money from you or others.
33)Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm.
34)Deliberately saying or doing things that result in getting themselves seriously hurt.
35)Monitors your communications (emails, phone calls, chats) with others.
36)Only interacts with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role-playing.
37)Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations.
38)Never shows you their human side. Is emotionless. Hides their vulnerability behind their D/s role.
39)Has multiple online identities for interacting with the same communities.
40)Disappears from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.
41)Is rude to public servants such as waitresses, cashiers and janitors.
42)Never says thank you, excuse me or I am sorry to anyone.
Safe Dating and Correspondence Tips
Before meeting:
Do not give out personal information to strangers. This includes your name, phone number, address, place of work or email addresses you use for other purposes.
Get a P.O. Box if you need to get mail from them. (Be aware that in the UK, it is possible to ask the Royal Mail for the details of the holder of the P.O. Box)
Do not send money to your online interest. There are online users that earn a living by faking love and pretending to run into hard times. When you do make telephone calls, make sure your phone blocks caller ID or call from a public phone. Do not call collect.
Your number will appear on their bill.
Exchange multiple recent nonsexual photographs to avoid embarrassment and hurt feelings.
Get a background check before meeting. There are several services that will do this through the Internet.
Make it clear you are not going to engage in any BDSM activity on the initial dates.
During the meeting:
Meet in public places, preferably with a friend. Do not let your date pressure you into going somewhere else even if the date is going fine.
Try to make your first date a daytime event.
Drive yourself to and from the meeting place. Relying on them for transportation can put you in an unsafe position.
Establish a safety net complete with safe calls and details on your date.
Tell your safety net your date's information, where you went and what to do in case you do not make your safe calls. Make sure your date knows you have a safety net set up. It is a great deterrent.
Bring along a cell phone on your date and do not become separated from it.
Do not drink alcohol on your date or leave your drink unattended.
Never engage in bondage during your initial BDSM sessions.
Do not leave your wallet or purse unattended. Your date may dig through them to find out information you do not want them to know.
If you are traveling to the meeting, do not let them meet you at the airport or bus station. Use cabs or rental cars for going to and from the public meeting place. Do not stay with them or let them make arrangements for you. Do not let them know where you are staying.
Be aware that safe words, safe calls, contracts, negotiations or gut instincts will NOT fully protect you from a real criminal. Take your time and be sure what you are getting into. Criminals have less patience for difficult targets .
~~~Disclaimer... I did not write this... this came from the net. If you would like to add this to your profile or journal, please feel free to do so. It feels strange and out of place to have to grant permission to Masters and Doms through email, therefore I freely give that now. This list is for othersout there so that they may be better eduacated and prepared. There are a lot of wonderful people out there, but there are also a lot of unsavory ones as well both male and female. Be safe out there everyone.~~~ |
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Your Kids Might Have Inherited Your Kink If
The neighbors complain that your kids do full body cavity
searches when playing cops and robbers.
You go in the playroom and find an interrogation chair
built entirely of Legos.
You come home and find the kids tickling a bound and
gagged baby-sitter.
You tell your daughter she's too old to spank, and she
assures you quite firmly that she isn't.
You yell to your daughter to do her chores, she answers
she's tied up right now... and she really is tied up.
The kids' favorite game is Cowboy and Dominatrix.
Your son earned his merit badge in tying knots...twelve
times.
You notice your son's G.I. Joe has Barbie on a leash.
You bought a clothes dryer because every time your kids
went out to play, the clothesline and clothespins van-
ished.
You ask your son to walk the dog, and later notice the
dog's still home, but the leash and your daughter aren't. |
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"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow." |
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Am unable to respond to my messages due to some issues.
I may be contacted on my e-mail.
ld_flames@yahoo.com |
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Newly born sperm The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the head sperm. "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red sticky ball, which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm the Egg.' From that moment on, you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?" The sperm nodded affirmatively and the head sperm wished him luck. Two days later, the sperm was taking a nap when he heard the siren. He woke up immediately and ran to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swam behind him. He knew he had to arrive first. When he was near the entrance to the cavern, he looked back and saw he was far ahead. Then he was able to swim at a slower pace until he reached the red sticky ball. When at last he reached the red sticky ball, he brightened up, smiled, and said, "Hi, I'm a sperm." The red sticky ball smiled and said, "Hi. I'm a tonsil. |
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Gym locker room
Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball. Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women.
As he passes the first woman, she looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.
He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either," she says, also not recognizing the unit.
He passes by the third woman, who takes a good long look as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club." |
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African string-and-weight Procedure
An elderly couple was watching a program on the Discovery Channel about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the Black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on The other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife Looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight Procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal Experiment coming along?"
"It looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black." |
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I dont understand this SPAM FILTER on CM.
I am not even allowed to respond to mails?!?!? |
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Three international convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The French convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint every day. He wanted to become the "Claude Monet of prison."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The Israeli convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The Polish convict pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said. "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well, according to this, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating . . ." |
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The Penis Study
In 1997, Harvard funded a study to see why the head of a Penis was bigger than the rest of it.
After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, Yale decided to do their own. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Mississippi State, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead. |
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Murphy's Laws On Sex
1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17. It is always the wrong time of month.
18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
22. The younger the better.
23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
30. Love is a hole in the heart. |
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Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse. |
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Heavy smoker
A young girl who was a heavy smoker invested in a cigarette lighter to economize in matches. After a short time it began to give trouble. So she spoke to a gentleman who had one, having just seen him light a cigarette with it and put it in his pocket.
She: Now be a dear and tell me about that thing you have there in your trousers.
He: (Misunderstanding her and feeling a bit embarrassed) I'm not used to discussing such things with ladies.
She: Now there is no need to be shy. Tell me, how does yours work? Do you jerk it up and down?
He: Oh, sometimes...
She: Then it's different from mine, mine just opens and shuts. Do you rub yours up and down until something comes?
He: Oh yes, especially in cold weather.
She: Have you ever tried pulling your wick and dipping it?
He: No, most certainly not!
She: Oh. You should, it does it good. You never soaked it before then?
He: Of course I haven't.
She: You should try it then sometime, it takes the stiffness out of it.
He: Er, well... I'm afraid that you are a naughty girl.
She: (Thinking he referred to smoking) Oh, every girl does it nowadays anyway. What about your wick, is it a long one?
He: Yes, it is rather on the long side.
She: I think I will have to try a bigger one because the one I use does not seem to go far enough to do any good. Does yours go red on the end when it's dry?
He: Yes.
She: So does mine. In the past mine has been giving me much trouble. Would you like to have a look at it?
He: No no, not now. We had better wait until it's dark.
She: Don't be ridiculous, you can see much better in the daylight. It has been leaking these past few days so I have put a rag around it. I'll unwind it now (opening her handbag and producing her lighter). Look, here it is (dashing her lighter). It has run out again, damn... now I'll have to go back to matches.
The young man collapses. |
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I got this from a friend on here
Crisis of faith by a Dominant
The smoke and mirrors of the mind,
Do so much when they bind.
Who can see and who is blind.
Is it you and are you mine?
Or am I the one,
Who cannot see?
That it is you who are controlling me.
The Dom, the Sub, the ill informed,
All have longings from the day they were born.
The whips and chains they do excite,
But the bonds of the mind have all the might.
Which is wrong and which is right?
Which is strong and holds the key,
The one on foot or the one on knee?
Is it you or is it me? |
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Man's Pearls of Wisdom
1. When I was born, I was given a choice -- a big dick or a good memory. I don't remember which one I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -- 'don't' and 'stop;' -- unless, of course, they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but NEXT TO the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: TriWeekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured. And I have its cure with me!
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's a lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small for me.
12. What's an Australian kiss? The same thing as a French kiss, only given 'down under.'
13. A couple who had just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the hole and she was happy with the thing......
14. What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? Life sucks, job sucks, the wife doesn't.
15. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.
16. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed,' many married men still sleep with their wives!!
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Three couples went to New York for a weekend but didn't have reservations. They were amazed to find only two rooms left in the whole area. Each room had one bed. They took the rooms and decided to have the three women share one bed and the three men share the other.
In the middle of the night, one man got up to leave. Another man asked him, "What are you doing?"
The first man answered, "I'm going to see my wife."
The second man asked, "What do you mean you're going to see your wife?"
The first man said, "I'm going to see my wife. I've got the biggest erection I've ever had."
The second man said, "Well, then, take me with you."
The first man said, "Why should I take you with me?"
The second man answered, "Because you're holding MY dick." |
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Excuse
1. Please excuse me from this speeding ticket. My wife ran off with a state policeman and when I saw your flashing lights I didn't stop because I thought you might be the trooper who is trying to bring her back to me.
2. When I was 16 I was pulled over for running a yellow light. When the officer (male) asked why I had done it, I replied without thinking. "My dog was neutered today and I have to get home and check him out." Needless to say, I didn't get a ticket that day.
3. I was driving in a old VW bug coming home from San Francisco late one night with a friend and we had been drinking. A California Highway Patrol car stopped us and asked why my car was swaying back and forth and if I had been drinking. I told him that the front-end of my car was in really bad shape and couldn't help driving like that. I told him I had one drink and wasn't drunk. He gave me a sobriety test and somehow I passed and he believed my story. He turned to the other patrolman and said..." I told you he probably had something wrong with his front-end." Then he let me drive on home. There wasn't anything wrong with my car!
4. Oh, officer, I've been living in Germany for so many years that I forgot how to read the signs in miles per hour. I sure am glad to be home and have someone remind me! He let me go with a warning.
5. "Oh, I know what happened, my brother told me that he had some really good tires for my old car here, but they were a little bit bigger than the old ones. That must have thrown off the cruise-control, because I had it set at 67 mph, like usual." I was scolded for trying to go two miles over the speed limit, and let go.
6. This guy was driving down the freeway and was stopped by the California Highway Patrol for talking on his cell phone, shaving with his electric razor and steering the car with his elbow all at the same time!
7. A guy was driving down a country road, at night, in a convertible and he heard a loud noise in the back of his car. Apparently a deer was jumping out of the bush into the road and landed in the back seat of his car. Needless to say the man was very startled and was lucky not to get into an accident.
8. A guy hit a deer and thought he killed it. Thinking that it would be good eating, he put the deer in the back of his car. The deer was only stunned and when it woke up it started to kick the driver tried to bite him. He pulled over with the deer still stuck in his car. As he was walking to a near-by phone booth to call for help, a dog started to chase him and trapped him in the phone booth where he had to call the police and explain his troubles.
9. This excuse I have actually used and it worked. I had gotten pulled over for speeding, and I told the cop I had dropped a cigarette in my lap, and while lifting my butt up to retrieve it, I must have inadvertently pushed down on the gas pedal...
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Mistress
A husband and wife were having dinner at a fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But... the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Oh," says the wife, "... Ours is prettier."
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Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like were popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true, red-blooded, born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a slippery, tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful, sultry and extremely well-endowed Texas lady.
The city-slicker kept leering at her and could not keep his eyes off the lady's ample bosom. Finally he leaned forward and said to her, "Lady, you are magnificent. I'll give you $10 if you will suck my dick."
The Texas gentleman looked appalled, and instantly pulled out his six-shooter, and drilled the city-slicker right through the heart.
The lady gasped, then smiled demurely at the gentleman and said, "Why, thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honour!"
Whereupon as the Texan holstered his gun, he said, "Your honour, hell! No stinkin', crawlin' tenderfoot from back east is gonna double the price of a woman in Texas!"
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Things Overheard While Having Sex
"A hundred bucks?!? What can I get for ten?"
"Mmmmm, yeah baby, take it off! C'mon, nice & slow ... That's goo-- AAAARRGGGG!! Disconnected again! Friggin' AOL!!!"
"Dammit! They just don't make these colostomy bags as strong as they used to!"
"Oooh, you're so BIG! Oooh, you're so POWERFUL! Oooh, your batteries just died!"
" ... 'Rectum? It nearly killed him.' Get it? Wait ... come back!"
"No, really, I always yawn like that when I climax."
"It's called a 'bra.' Women wear them under their clothes."
"Don't laugh -- if *all* penises were this small, birth control would be a thing of the past!"
"OK, now put on the Deanna Troi mask and say 'Captain, I can sense your throbbing manhood!' ...No, no, try it again with more accent!"
"Oh, Baby! Here I expected 5, and you whip out 13!!"
"Well, what you lack in size, you make up for in speed."
"Top 5? C'mon, it's more like the Top 3 1/2!"
"Wait! Wait! We can't start until I find my beret!!"
"Dammit Mom! Knock first!"
"OK, this time, *you* be Martha Stewart and *I'll* be Rico the gardener."
"Look, lover boy, $120 means $120 -- I don't give a shit if that works out to $240 a minute."
"Mind if I wedge my calculator under your breast there while we're doing this?"
"Shave it? You're lucky I washed it."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact, I *WAS* the original body model for the Ken doll. How in the world did you guess?"
"Baa-a-a-a-a"
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Trivia
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour (Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life..quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm.....)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??) |
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A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go up to the Smokies, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So, I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, 'WELL brothers, you KNOW that WE don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So right quick-like, I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.'
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says,
"Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start" |
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The telephone lineman had been out drinking the night before, and the next day he went to work not feeling too good.
He climbed to the top of the first pole and as he took his pliers out to repair the wire he dropped them. He had to climb all the way down to retrieve them. As he got to the bottom of the pole and was picking up his pliers, a small boy who was standing there said,
"My daddy is a lineman too and he would have had two pair of pliers, so he wouldn't have to climb down the pole if he dropped one of them".
The lineman tied to ignore the boy and climbed back up the pole very slowly. About this time he needed a hammer to drive in a large nail. As he was taking it out, it slipped and fell to the ground. Again he had to climb down the pole to retrieve it. So he slowly climbed down the pole and sure enough the little boy was still standing there.
He said, "My daddy is a lineman too and he would have carried two hammers so if he had lost one he wouldn't have to climb down".
This irritated the lineman, but he ignored the boy and climbed back up the pole to finish his work. He was no sooner up the pole when he had to go to the bathroom, so down he climbs from the pole and goes over to the bushes to take a leak. As he was relieving himself he saw the little boy watching him through the bushes.
He'd had it with this kid so he says to him,
"I'll bet your dad doesn't have two of these, does he?"
The boy replied, "No, but his would make two of yours". |
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Old farmer
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. The farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried.
"So, they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster. "I've got to do something about this."
He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy.
"You're on," said the young rooster. "and since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy."
So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.
Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster. By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead.
He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself,
"Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month." |
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Big dude
This big dude walks into a bar with a little spider on his shoulder, as soon as one of the dudes in there spots it, he tells his friends and they all laugh. The man says:
"Laugh while you can, 'cos this spider is stronger than any of you!!!"
The man making fun repies "I'd like to see that!!"
"Fine, my spider will pick up this bar stool" he sets the spider on the floor and the spider easily picks it up.
"That's nothing!!"
"But there's more, now the spider will pick up a table" and the spider easily picks up the table.
The men, not letting the spider impress them, only boo it "Now, gentlemen, this tiny spider will pick up the bar!!" and the spider spits on his hands, rubs them together and makes a great effort, but it picks up the bar!!!
The men, a little impressed ask "what else can it do??" so the man says "Now, it will pick up the bar with everyone of us on it!!" thinking it couldn't be done, the men start to get on the bar until there's like 40 guys on it.
The spider looks worried but starts walking towards the bar with an air of determination. Suddenly, a man walks into the bar sees the spider on the floor walking towards the bar, and steps on it "You bunch of pussies, scared of a little spider!!!!" |
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TOP SIGNS THAT YOU ARE SUBMISSIVE
-If you see a Mix-Master in the store and think it's a new self-stimulating toy, you may be a submissive.
-If you hear the drinking toast Bottoms up! and instantly obey, you may be a submissive.
-If you are more concerned about the skin on your ass then that on your face you may be a submissive.
-If a friend of yours tells you she can't get out of the house because she's all tied up....and you get jealous, you may be a submissive.
-If you walk by dog obedience classes and offer to demonstrate from the dog's perspective, you may be a submissive.
-If you get excited while looking through the cooking implements draw of the kitchen, you may be a submissive.
-If you visit Alcatraz, stand for hours in a dark cell, and come out flushed and smiling, you may be a submissive.
-If you hear a confused person say, Beat me! and you automatically yell out Me next!, you may be a submissive.
-If you're envious of the neighbour dog's new spike collar & leash, you may be a submissive.
-If you call your personal vibrator Sir, you may be a submissive.
-If you think your panties look best on you when pulled down around your knees, you may be a submissive.
-If you see a road sign displaying, Chains required and wonder if that means, whips are optional, you may be a submissive.
-If your closet is full of knee pads, but you don't play sports, you may be submissive.
-If you dream of a beautiful leather jacket with a full face hood, you may be a submissive.
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The Three Great Lies of SM (and a few others)...
...that we tell straight people.
It's a fashion statement.
It's for a crafts project.
I fell off my bicycle.
...that we tell each other.
I've never even fantasized about doing that.
I just do this for fun. I don't need it.
Mistress, I'll do anything you want.
...that we tell ourselves.
I'm normal.
I always stop when I feel genuine anger.
I only play with people I respect.
I'm doing this for healthy reasons.
... that dominant men tell submissive women.
I think of women as equals.
I have a healty relationship with my mother.
I truly believe that it takes a strong woman to submit.
It's OK with me if sex isn't part of the play.
... that submissive women tell dominant men.
I don't have any unresolved issues regarding my father.
It's enough to serve you, Master. I don't need to get off.
I really want you to be in charge.
I love it when you come in my mouth.
Licking your feet and asshole really turns me on.
I think your pot belly is sexy.
You own me body and soul.
You're the only man who makes me feel this way.
I will never leave you.
... that submissive men tell dominant women.
I'll do anything you want.
I exist only to serve you.
I don't care about getting off.
I regard women as superior beings.
You're beautiful to me.
I really get off on doing housework for you.
My wife knows that I do this.
... that dominant women tell submissive men.
I basically like men.
Wearing high heels makes me feel more powerful.
I can't top anybody who doesn't turn me on.
I never switch.
I love giving golden showers.
... that we tell vanilla prospective play partners.
It's not pain. It's just strong sensation.
This is fundamentally a nurturing activity.
Submission is empowering.
You need to explore this side of yourself.
... that dominant women tell each other.
I have the perfect slave.
I feel that you and I are part of a Sisterhood.
I can stay in top space while I'm getting laid.
... that submissive women tell each other.
My Master takes good care of me.
I'm not really an exhibitionist.
I don't feel competitive towards other submissives.
It's OK with me if you play with my Master.
... that dominant, heterosexual men tell each other.
My slave never says no to me.
Some of my best friends are submissive men.
When I watch you play at a party, I don't secretly hope that you'll screw up and everyone will notice.
I can still be dominant after I've had an orgasm.
... that submissive, heterosexual men tell each other.
The most important thing is to serve the Mistress.
I never tell her what to do.
I've never gone to a professional Mistress.
I love it when my Mistress won't let me come for days.
I don't mind that you can take more pain than I can.
I really believe that my mission in life is to serve women.
I really like going down on my Mistress during her period.
... that bi switches tell each other.
I truly don't care which gender I play with.
I'm not at all homophobic.
I separate sex from SM.
Being bi is the best of both worlds.
I only play with people I feel intimate with.
I only play with other switches.
... that professional Mistresses tell each other.
Business is good.
I never have sex with a client.
Business is bad.
I always stick to my specialty and refer out clients who want other things.
I'd do this even if I wasn't getting paid.
I never need to bottom.
I'm always in control of the session.
I'm a good businesswoman.
My lover doesn't mind that I do this.
It was my choice to leave my last straight job.
...that clients tell professional Mistresses
I have great personal hygiene.
I'll be there.
I'll be there on time.
I'm not hoping that our play will become sexual.
I promise I won't tell anyone if you do "...." with me.
Mistress "....." is willing to do that.
...that vanilla people tell SM people.
Hearing about this doesn't shock me.
I know other people who are into this.
We negotiate everything too.
And, finally, the three great lies of the three great lies.
None of this was meant for anyone to take personally.
We're sorry if we offended anybody.
We'll never do this again. |
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Before and After Marriage
Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I'm suffocating.
Before - Twice a night.
After - Twice a month.
Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.
Before - Ricky & Lucy.
After - Fred & Ethel.
Before - Saturday Night Live.
After - Monday Night Football.
Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...
Before - Don't Stop.
After - Don't Start.
Before - The Sound of Music.
After - The Sound of Silence.
Before - Is that all you are eating?
After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.
Before - Wheel of Fortune.
After - Jeopardy.
Before - It's like living a dream.
After - It's a nightmare.
Before - $60/dozen.
After - $1.50/stem.
Before -! Turbocharged.
After - Needs a jump-start
Before - We agree on everything!
After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?
Before - Victoria's Secret.
After - Fruit of the Loom.
Before - Feathers & handcuffs.
After - Ball and chain.
Before - Idol.
After - Idle.
Before - He's lost without me.
After - Why can't he ask for directions?
Before - When together, time stands still.
After - This relationship is going nowhere.
Before - Croissant and cappuccino.
After - Bagels and instant coffee.
Before - Oysters.
After - Fishsticks.
Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.
After - How the hell did I end up with someone like you?
Before - Romeo and Juliet.
After - Bill and Hillary..
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10 Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home.
2. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.
3. It's important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.
4. It's important to have a woman who has a job.
5. It's important to have a woman who likes you.
6. It's important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.
7. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
8. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie to you.
9. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed.
10. It's very, very important that these nine women do not know each other
Sincerely,
Tiger Woods
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Poodle and a Collie
A Poodle and a Collie are walking together when the Poodle suddenly unloads on his friend.
"My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Schnauzer, and I'm jittery as a cat."
"Why don't you see a psychiatrist?" suggests the Collie.
"I can't," says the Poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch." |
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Confucius: Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly. |
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$300.00 Bocceli leather shoes
Giorgio is in this country for about 6 months. He walks to work every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window and admires a certain pair of Bocceli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the $300.00 the shoes cost and purchases them. Every Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance in the church basement, so Giorgio seizes the opportunity to wear his new Bocceli leather shoes to the dance.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"
Sophia, startled, says, "Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"
Giorgio replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?"
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he says to her, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"
Rosa answers, "Yes, Giorgio, I do, but how do you know that?"
He answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?"
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Giorgio asks Carmella to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He says, "Carmella, stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!"
Carmella smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Giorgio, I wear no panties tonight."
Giorgio gasps and says ...."Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes!"
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Dracula
Dracula dies and he went to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God refused to let Dracula in because of all the sins that he had done, going around sucking blood & killing. "I'll give you a chance to redeem your sins", said God.
"I'll send you back to earth, but not in a human form. You can be reincarnated into any other living thing of your choice. So, what would you like to be?"
Still unrepentant, Dracula said, "OK, I want to become a living thing with wings that sucks blood, heh, heh, heh."
"So be it", said God and He turned Dracula into a vampire bat. So back to earth he went, flying around sucking the blood of animals until one day when a farmer killed him. So up he went again to meet God, feeling a little bit sheepish (and a little batty).
"I'll give you another chance", said God. "I'll send you back again. BUT not as a human or a bat. What will it be this time?"
Still adamant, Dracula said, "I still want to be a living thing with wings that sucks blood!"
God thought for a while and then said, "OK, if that's what you want", and turned Dracula into a mosquito.
So back to earth again he went, flying around and sucking blood until one day, splat, he was squashed by his victim. So up he went again to meet God, feeling stupid (and rather bugged).
"I'll give you one last chance to redeem yourself. but this time you cannot become a living thing. You can only be turned into a non-living thing of your choice. So what will it be?" asked God.
Still stubborn, Dracula said, "Okayyyy...then turn me into a non-living thing with wings and sucks blood!! heh...heh.."
"No problem," said God and He turned Dracula into a 'Sanitary Napkin'. |
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Meeting of the minds
"Are you and Larry serious?" the one girl asked her friend while they were talking over cocktails.
"We're still a little short of a meeting of the minds." she replied. "I want a big, old-fashioned June wedding, and he wants a quickie in the back seat." |
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Young couple
A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, but the man was always after his wife to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."
Getting tired of his nagging, she said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."
He replied, "But they stunt your growth."
She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had. Dropping her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?" |
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Little Johnny
A teacher was giving a lesson in sex education to her fourth grade class. After showing a brief film and reading the lesson, she asked if anyone had any questions.
One little boy held up his hand shyly. "Teacher, I have a boy dog and he jumps over the fence and wrestles with this girl dog and she has puppies. Is this sex?"
"Yes, that's sex," the teacher replied.
A little girl raised her hand. "Teacher, I have a girl cat and there's a boy cat that jumps on her out in the yard and they wrestle. Then she has kittens. Is that sex?"
"Yes, that's sex," the teacher replied.
Little Johnny then raised his hand. "Teacher, the other night I saw a movie where three guys wrestled with Sylvester Stallone. Is that sex?"
"No, that was not sex," the teacher replied.
"Good," Little Johnny replied. "I always thought it would take more than three guys to screw Sylvester Stallone." |
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Confession
Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds so he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins.
When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.
"Father, I am sinful."
"Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."
"That's not very good of you."
"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."
"Father?......... Father?"
Suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him.
"Father? Where are you?"
He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me." |
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Good Girls; Bad Girl's And Naughty Girls
Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Naughty girls unbutton your pants
Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Naughty girls wax your nutsack
Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Naughty girls do it with whips and chains
Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any
Naughty girls don't really give a shit
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Naughty girls want a " pearl necklace "
Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
Naughty girls pack their dildos
Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Naughty girls own the entire Fantasia collection
Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
Naughty girls make you wear high heels
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
Naughty girls have sex all over the place
Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters
Naughty girls add some new chapters in the Kama Sutra
Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
Naughty girls don't say anything, they just moan and scream a lot.
Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.
Naughty girls go to the party, hit on every guy there and then go home with two of them. |
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The Husband
John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, noticed that John was ever so slowly sliding down his chair under the table while Mary acted unconcerned. Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up and replied firmly, "Oh, no. He did not. In fact, he just walked in the front door." |
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Circus
A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the impresario.
"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you."
He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars forward, then swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground.
The impresario stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally he says, "Is that all you've got? Bird imitations?" |
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Big Man in a Small Town
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk to his office. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while saying, "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than $1 million. Yes. The appeals court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument, and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while, the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.
"I'm sorry for the delay," he said, "but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone." |
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Hard-hearted bitch
A man walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the end of it. She is so beautiful he cannot take his mind off her, so he calls the bartender over and says, "Take that woman a drink on me."
The bartender says, "It won't work."
"What do you mean, it won't work?"
"That woman," says the barkeep, "is a hard-hearted bitch. You won't get nowhere with her - nobody does!"
"Okay," says the guy. "How about this: you got any Spanish fly?"
"Spanish fly? No," says the bartender, "I've got Jewish Fly."
"So, what the hell is Jewish fly?"
"I don't know; I've never used it. You want to give it a try?"
"Yes," says the guy, and the next chance he gets, on his way to the men's room, he reaches behind her back and drops the stuff in the woman's drink.
Nothing happens for a long time, but then all of a sudden he feels her body close against his, and her voice is whispering hotly in his ear, and she's saying "I can't stand it anymore! You excite me so much...take me shopping!" |
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Hunting
A man named Jed went hunting near the border of Alabama and Georgia. When he was going back to his truck, a game
warden came up to him and asked him what he had in the sack. "Three rabbits," Jed said.
The warden said, "Let me see one of those rabbits."
So Jed pulled out one of the rabbits. The warden stuck his finger in the rabbit's butthole, pulled it out, smelled
it and said, "This is a Georgia rabbit."
Then the warden said, "Let me see your Georgia huntin' license."
So Jed showed him. Then the warden said, "Let me see another one of those rabbits." So Jed pulled out another
rabbit.
Then the warden stuck his finger in the rabbit's bunghole, tasted it and said, "This is an Alabama rabbit. Let me
see your Alabama huntin' license."
So Jed showed it to him. Then the Warden said, "Where you from boy?"
So Jed pulled his pants down and said, "You figure it out!" |
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One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.
On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are on the beach?"
Needless to say, no one could answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer.
Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two Ping-Pong balls and paints them black.
The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the Ping-Pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing. The teacher says, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see you on Tuesday!" |
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Married 66 years
I met a man who had been married for 66 years.
"Amazing. 66 years!" I said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?"
"Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions and the woman just makes the little decisions."
"Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?"
"Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"
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Father's occupation
"What's your father's occupation?" asked the teacher on the first day of the new academic year.
"He's a magician, Ma'am," said the new boy.
"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"
"He saws people in half."
"Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"
"One half brother and two half sisters." |
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Try Being Nicer
Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home well inebriated around midnight. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit in the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But Harry just continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all.
Her friend said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways."
The wife thought this might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. At about midnight, he arrived home in his u! sual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman, and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little.
After a little while, she said to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"
At that, he replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway! |
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Blue ball
"I think I have a problem, Doc," says a patient. "One of my balls has turned blue."
The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.
"Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do such a thing to me!"
"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.
Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."
Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very reluctant to the idea.
"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree with the operation. After two weeks of being testicle-less, the patient returns to the doctor and says, "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."
After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad news: If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient does not want to hear about it.
"You want to die?" asks the doctor.
"But...how do I pee?"
"We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem." So the patient has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again. He is very angry.
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"
"What?"
"Can you tell me what the hell is happening?"
The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says, "Hmmm, I don't know. Could it be the jeans?" |
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Those Scots
A Scottish man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Scot. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and… put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Scot started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?" |
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Joke # 3
Huge guy
A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?" The big guy says, "I just sit there naked on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down." His friend says, "You know, that doesn't sound too bad."
The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to." |
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Hijacking
A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and a female passenger. He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place."
The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."
The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."
The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the female passenger's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place."
No one said a word, but the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic.
The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind some crates in the hold, and tied him up. The pilot then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so.
"I told him," she replied, "that if he killed me, he'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your blow jobs." |
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Doctor's office
Mr. Johnson had been waiting entirely too long at the doctor's office. His appointment was for 9:00 and it was nearly 10:30.
Finally, an attractive nurse appeared at the waiting room door and said, "Let's go get a room."
"Honey, I appreciate the offer," he said, "but I've been waiting so long I'd hate to lose my spot now!" |
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Stanley Cup Final
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.
"No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"
The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No," he says. "They're all at the funeral." |
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After 20 years
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That wasss wooonnnnderful.... Why did you stop?'
He said, 'I found the remote!' |
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It's Differnet when you are Married
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a
mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to surprise their men that night; all three
will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and a mask over their eyes to see what kind of a response
they get from their men.
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend said: 'When my boyfriend came home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos
and the mask.' He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you.' 'We made love all night long!'
The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! I met him in his office.
I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes, and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat,
he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night long.'
Then the married one said: 'I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready in the
leather bodice, super stilettos and mask. My husband came in from work, fell in his mangy Lazyboy, grabbed
the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?' |
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The Master must create a spark before he can make a fire and before slave is cast, the Master must be ready to be consumed by the fire of his own creation.
DeepFlames |
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Jewish sisters-in-law
The Jewish sisters-in-law meet at their weekly session at the beauty shop. Ruth says to Golda, "Such news I got for you, Golda! My Irving is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to this wonderful Jewish girl, but he thinks the poor darling may have some strange illness called herpes."
After offering congratulations, Golda says to Ruth, "So, Ruthie, do you have any idea what is this herpes, and can your Irving catch it?"
Ruth answers, "God forbid! But his Papa and I are just so happy to hear about his engagement. You know how we've all worried about him. It's past time he's settled with a nice girl. As far as the herpes goes, who knows?"
"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary, you know, Ruthie. I'll just run home right now and look it up and call you."
Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth excitedly, "Ruth! Ruth! Thank goodness, I found it. Not to worry! It says herpes is a disease affecting the gentiles." |
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Six-Foot
Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?"
Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?"
"67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"But if you already knew, officer," replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"
Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"
The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've ! never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish, and said, "What kind of job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?"
Bob said, "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!" |
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Frog
Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. A local witch had given him special powers.
One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside.
The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop.
Then he said to them, "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now."
The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.
Then the rabbit said "I would like a helmet."
This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet.
It was the bear's turn again "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female."
A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle."
Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money and then he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.
The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me."
A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said, "I wish the bear was gay" and took off like a bat out of hell. |
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Rabbit hunting
Paddy decides to go rabbit hunting, but when he gets to his favorite field he sees the village priest is already there.
Paddy watches with fascination as the priest holds his finger over a rabbit hole and immediately a rabbit pops out.
The priest grabs it and puts it into a sack. He repeats this unusual but very successful technique until his sack is full of rabbits.
Paddy stops the priest and asks him how he does it.
"Easy," says the priest. "Put your finger on your wife's pussy and then hold it over a rabbit hole. They can't resist the smell, so when they come out, grab them."
Paddy rushes home to find Maureen bent over scrubbing the floor. He lifts up her skirt and applies his finger as directed.
Without looking up, Maureen giggles, "Holy Moses, Father! Rabbit hunting again?" |
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Tattoo
Larry got home late one night, and his wife asked, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replied, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking? Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his penis?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And four, instead of going out shopping, now you can stay home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Larry is recovering in room 232 at the hospital. |
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A young virgin marries a Greek man and before the wedding her father tells her that, being Greek, her husband may ask her to turn the other way in bed one day, but that she doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to. Sure enough, after a couple of months, her husband asks her to turn over and she says,
"No, my father said I don't have to do this."
Her husband says "OK, that's fine by me, but I thought you wanted children." |
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Eye examination
A girl went to an ophthalmologist for an eye examination. After he had completed his' tests, the doctor said, "You do need glasses. Be sure to come back after your wedding."
"Why can't I have them now?" the girl asked.
"Because, Miss," said the doctor sternly, "I don't believe in specs before marriage." |
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The Baptism
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes,Preacher. I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher..."Are you sure this is where he fell in?" |
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How bad is the recession? Well, let me tell you ...
* Ali Baba laid off 25% of his work force and his group is now Ali Baba and the Thirty Thieves;
* Dow Jones has now re-branded themselves as "Down Jones";
* Women are marrying for love and not money.
* The credit crunch is so bad I let my brother borrow ten bucks a couple of weeks back and now they're calling me America's third largest lender. |
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In Texas, for the second time in a month, a man was arrested for publicly masturbating. Not surprisingly, the man doesn't want a lawyer because he claims he can get himself off. |
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Bad Seeing-Eye Dog
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass." |
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Sunday Morning Sex
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to
visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother
that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do
it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too
strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along." |
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7 year old girls
Three 7 year old girls were walking down the street wearing their mothers' clothing; large hats, high heels, and
long dresses. They passed a bar and one of the girls said, "let's go in for a drink." They went in and crawled up
onto the bar stools. The bartender laughed and thought he would have some fun. He spoke to the first little girl
and said, "What will you have young lady?"
The girl replied, "I'll have a Martini." The bartender could not give them any liquor so he filled up a martini
glass with 7-UP, placed an olive in it and put it in front of her.
He said to the second girl, "What will you have today?"
She replied, "A Manhattan." The bartender then filled a Manhattan glass with Ginger-Ale, put in a cherry in it, and
set it in front of her. Next he asked the third little girl,
"What will you have today?" After a long pause she replied, "I'll have a douche. Mother says they're so refreshing." |
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Three Women in Mexico
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to
find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric Chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of The innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her..
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the University of Kentucky, School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the great University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
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The Man's Guide to the Urinal
1. No Food or Drink
I understand that in some situations, you have little
choice but to take a beverage or food item with you, but
do you understand the germs that are floating around by
the urinal? We are talking about men's pee mist, and fart
gasses. It isn't a very hospitable environment for any-
thing you plan to ingest.
2. You Must Flush
There is a common dilemma that men don't want to flush the
urinal, because men don't want to touch a handle that his
been touched by others right after holding their junk.
That's understandable, it's like giving someone's bits a
firm handshake. But, what is worse than that? Combining
your pee with someone else's. This combo creates a very
unpleasant odor. You also need to flush to clear any spit,
pubic hair, band aids, etc. that may be in the urinal after
use. And finally, you may enjoy the smell of stagnant pee,
but most others do not.
3. Don't Talk
Never, ever talk. I don't care if your best friend is next
to you. Shut up, focus on the task at hand, exit the bath-
room, and resume conversation.
4. Don't Stand Too Far Away
Get in close, and use your hands, and the urinal sides as
a view blocker. No one wants to see your junk, nor do they
want to see urine streaming from it. Snuggle on in, but
not so close that your pants touch the urinal, that is
gross. It takes time to find the proper distance, but it
is worth the effort.
5. Don't Take Your Sweet Time
Don't stand there for 20 minutes enjoying the experience.
The urinal is a tool, meant to capture your urine, not
meant for enjoyment. This is especially important when
there are others waiting.
6. Control Your Shakes
It is important to shake well after urinating, to avoid
dripage in your underwear. Unfortunately, there are those
that shake wildly with no concern for where the droplets
may fall. Pee all over the rim, on the floor or on those
peeing next to you is a no-no, and may get you beaten up.
7. Leave a Buffer
If you can, you should always leave a buffer of at least
one urinal, though more than one is preferred. One of the
biggest urinal taboos is occupying the urinal next to some-
one, when there were plenty of open urinals to choose from.
This taboo leads to a very uncomfortable few seconds, where
the tension can literally be cut with a knife. I'm not your
buddy, get away from me.
8. Look Straight Ahead
The last thing you want is to have someone think you are
trying to scope out their unit. Think about sports, count
the tiles on the wall in front of you, do whatever you have
to do, to keep your eyes from wandering.
9. Avoid Eye Contact
At all costs avoid eye contact while approaching, standing
at, or leaving the urinal. There is no need for eye contact,
and no good can come from it. Eye contact will lead to mis-
understanding, and consequently either a fight, or an uncom-
fortabtle romantic encounter.
10. Ignore Farts
Everyone farts at the urinal, some intentionally, some not.
Do not, for any reason acknowledge that you, or anyone else
has farted. Looking around only implies shame in the action.
There is nothing to be ashamed about. In fact, farts can be
a great source of pride.
11. No Sounds
Aside from the previously mentioned sound, make no others.
This includes moaning, groaning, grunts, whistles, sounds
of pleasure or satisfaction, etc. Shut up and finish your
business.
12. No Phones
This includes bluetooth. Using bluetooth at the urinal is
a violation of the third rule. Using a hand held phone lets
everyone know that there are wiener germs on your phone.
That's gross.
13. Wait Patiently
When waiting for a urinal to open, you can always make
a trip to the stall. This is discourage however, because
it occupies a stall that otherwise may be needed for a
real number 2 emergency. It is best to busy yourself by
combing your hair, checking yourself in the mirror, or
waiting patiently at a safe distance. It is not ok to
ask if someone is already done, or to try and peek into
the urinal to check for activity. If you suspect someone
is a lingerer, it is not ok to interfere. Let them finish
in their own time, even if it is a clear violation of rule
number five.
If you don't want to appear to be waiting for a buffer,
you can always use the delay tactics of picking your
nose, butt or ear, scratching your butt, armpit or
crotch.
14. A Numbers Game
If there is only one urinal, you are in luck.
If there are two, use only if both are empty. If one is
occupied, you don't want to violate the seventh rule.
Wait patiently, and only break the seventh rule in an
emergency.
If there are three urinals, never, ever take the middle
urinal, making the other two urinals unusable by others.
It is just rude. If all three are empty, choose the
urinal closes to the wall, as the wall gives you a great
buffer to one side.
If there are four urinals, you are free to choose one on
the edge, or in the middle, as this does not effect the
availability of a urinal with a buffer zone. It is still
suggested however, to pick the one closest to the wall,
so you can allow someone a two urinal buffer if they
choose.
When there are five urinals, never, ever use the 2nd or
4th urinal. Using these urinals limits the urinals with
buffers down to too, wasting a perfectly good urinal.
When there are six urinals, all empty, proceed to the
farthest one. If the farthest is already occupied, go
to the other end. If the ends are full, use only every
second urinal.
When there are 7+, and one is occupied, do not proceed
to the other furthest urinal, instead use the second
furthest. To use the furthest could be portrayed as an
insult to the personal already peeing. Do they smell
bad, are they some sort of freak? This could really hurt
someones feelings. Someone could also view you as some
sort of weirdo, afraid of being close to another human
being. So please be considerate when there are 7 or more
urinals.
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So ashamed
One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses.
So, the brunette goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My Daughter smokes."
So, the redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my god I'm
so ashamed! My daughter drinks."
So, finally, it's the blonde's turn and she finds a used condom. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter
has a penis." |
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Can your pecker touch your ass?
A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the
front porch together, when gramps pull a beer out of his
cooler.
The little boy asks: "Can I have a beer Grandpa?"
Grandpa replies: "Can your pecker touch your ass?"
The little boy answered: "No Grandpa. It's just a little
pecker."
Gramps says: "Well then, you're not man enough to have
a beer!"
A little later, Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little
boy asks: "Can I have a cigar Grandpa?"
Once again, Grandpa asks: "Can your pecker touch your
ass?"
Once again, the little boy replies: "No, it's too little.
Grandpa says, "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar!"
A little later, the little boy comes out of the house
with milk and cookies. Grandpa asks: "Hey there young
feller, can I have a cookie?"
The boy asks: "Can your pecker touch your ass?"
Laughing, Gramps replies: "HELL Yes, my pecker can touch
my ass!"
The little boy replies: "Then go fuck yourself! Grandma
made these for me!" |
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Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived babies) "Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled...isn't she adorable?"
Friend: "But your kid didn't smile."
Father: "I was talking about the nurse." |
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Three Holy Men and a Bear
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served
as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan Univer-
sity in Marquette. They would get together two or three
times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to
people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another,
and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go
out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt
to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their
experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on
crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs,
went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to
find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to
him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing
to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop
is coming out next week to give him first communion and
confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed,"WELL,
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my
bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing
to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to
wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN
another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED
him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said,
he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the
day praising Jesus."
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the
rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body
cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and
out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked
up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not
have been the best way to start."
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The Flies
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding,
and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his
speed, and in general began to throw his weight around
to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket,
and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies
that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies
there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket
and said - "Well yeah, if that's what they are, I never
heard of circle flies".
So the farmer says- "Well, circle flies are common on
farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're
almost always found circling around the back end of a
horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the
ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey---
wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much
respect for law enforcement and police officers to even
think about calling you a horses ass."
The Trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes
back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them
flies though." |
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Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse
Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were up in a hotel room and decided that they wanted to have sex. Well, the first thing Minnie asks is, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald says "No."
Minnie tells Donald that if he doesn't get a condom that they can't have sex and suggests to Donald that he go buy a condom. She says that maybe they sell them at the front desk.
Donald proceeds to go downstairs and gets to the front desk. He asks the hotel clerk if they sell condoms.
The clerk says "yes we do" and pulls one out from under the desk and gives it to Donald.
The clerk asks "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"
Donald says "NO! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, SOME KIND OF PERVERT? |
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Nice bar
A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar. They
are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a
nice place. Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice
bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a
better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy
another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third
drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but
where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brook-
lyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a
drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink,
Vinny buys you another drink." Everyone agrees that
sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where
I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's.
At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you
your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and
then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that
actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me
sister!" |
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Trip to the Holy Land
A Scotsman, who was planning a trip to the Holy Land,
was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an
hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. "Hoot mon,"
he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."
"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you
have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is
water on which our Lord himself walked."
"Well, at $50/hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's
no wonder he walked." |
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Shoes for wedding
Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got
increasingly tighter around her feet as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over and
they finally retired to their room, she flopped on the
bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes,
my feet are absolutely killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales worked on her right
shoe with vigor, but it would not budge. "Harder!"
yelled Camilla, "Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm
trying, my darling! But it's just so blooming tight!"
"Come on, my prince! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when the shoe released, Charles let out a loud
groan and Camilla exclaimed, "Aaahh! Oh, God, that
feels sooo good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince
Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she
would still be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe,
he cried, "Oh, bloody hell, darling! This one's even
tighter!"
To which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my
boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man!" |
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Old retired sailor
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes
down to the docks for old times sake. He hires a prosti-
tute, takes her up to a room and goes at it as best as
he can for a guy his age.
After a couple of minutes he asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about
three knots."
"Three knots?" He asks. "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in and you're
knot getting your money back." |
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Sex education class
After the first week of sex education class, a young
shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class
was over.
Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend
asked, "Judi, what in the world is the matter with you?
You look as if you're about to kill someone."
"I am!!!" Judi fumed. "You just wait until I catch up
with that Dennis. All summer long, that clown had me
convinced that 'foreplay' was tossing a coin for
position...." |
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Nickels
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep
him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels
and starts Slapping him on the back..
The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting
for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in
a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading
a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of
the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,
neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter,
gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across
the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants;
takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze
and twist, gently at first and Then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly
catches in her free Hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel
to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee
bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill
effects, the Father rushes over to the woman and starts
thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do any-
thing like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a
doctor?"
'No,' the woman replied, 'I'm with the IRS..' |
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School reunion
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging
her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand
she took to drinking right after we split up those many
years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could
go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started... |
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Q: Why did the lesbian cut her trip to China short?
A: She missed her native tongue. |
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Attorney/witness
Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male or a female?
Witness: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with
male. |
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Died of gonorrhea
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual
death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had
died of gonorrhea.
Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good
friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly,
"You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not
gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea,
but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember
him as a great lover rather than the big shit that
he really was." |
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New bike
Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle.
His mother decided that he should take a look at himself
and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't
Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and
buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter
to Jesus and pray for one instead."
After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room.
He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.
"Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appr-
eciate a new bicycle. Your Friend, Little Johnny."
Now Little Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of
boy he was (Brat). So, he ripped up the letter and decided
to give it another try.
"Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new
bicycle. Yours Truly, Little Johnny."
Well, Little Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he
tore it up and tried again.
"Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year
and can I have a new bicycle? Signed, Little Johnny."
Well, Little Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by
the way was what his mother was really wanting. He crumpled
up the letter threw it in the trash can and went wandering
about; depressed because of the way he treated his parents
and really considering his actions. He finally found him-
self in front of a Catholic Church.
Little Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around
not knowing what he should really do. Little Johnny finally
got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at
all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one
and ran out the door. He went home hid it under his bed
and wrote this letter.
"Jesus, I've broken most of the Ten Commandments; shot
spit wads in school, tore up my sister's Barbie doll and
lots more. I'm desperate. I've got your mama. If you ever
want to see her again, give me a bike. Signed, You know
who." |
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Password
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and
at the appropriate point in the process, the computer
advised him that he would now need to enter a password.
Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a
rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the
shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So,
when the computer asked him to enter his password, he
made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering
by stating each letter out loud as he typed:
P...E...N...I...S
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer
replied **** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH*** |
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Password
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and
at the appropriate point in the process, the computer
advised him that he would now need to enter a password.
Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a
rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the
shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So,
when the computer asked him to enter his password, he
made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering
by stating each letter out loud as he typed:
P...E...N...I...S
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer
replied **** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH*** |
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Cowboy
A cowboy walks into the dentist's office and after an
examination the dentist says, "That tooth has to come
out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll
be back in a few minutes."
The cowboy grabs the doc's arm and says. "No way. I
hate needles. I'm not having any shot!"
So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the
gas."
The cowboy replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very
sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of
water, "Here, "he says. "Take this pill."
The cowboy asks, "What is it?"
The doc replies, "Viagra."
The cowboy looks surprised and asks, "Will that kill the
pain?"
"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something
to hold on to while I pull the tooth." |
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I can't Talk
Morris walks into Dr. Cohen's office and puts a note on the table in front of the doctor. The note reads, "I can't talk. Please help me!"
The doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, "Put your penis on the table here."
Morris thinks this is a bit weird, but Cohen is a specialist, so he does as the doctor says.
The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits Morris's penis as hard as he can.
The man cries in great agony, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
The doctor says, "Good. Come again tomorrow, and we'll learn B!" |
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No underwear
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends
over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt
up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?',
Ole demanded. 'Well, you don't give me enough house-
keeping money to afford any.' The Swede immediately
reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of
decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on
the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too,
is wearing no undies.
'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake
of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes
her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked
under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer
drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be
able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well,
fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yerself
up a bit.'
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Spanish fly
A man walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting
at the end of it. She is so beautiful he cannot take his
mind off her, so he calls the bartender over and says,
"Take that woman a drink on me."
The bartender says, "It won't work."
"What do you mean, it won't work?"
"That woman," says the barkeep, "is a hard-hearted bitch.
You won't get nowhere with her - nobody does!"
"Okay," says the guy. "How about this: you got any Spanish
fly?"
"Spanish fly? No," says the bartender, "I've got Jewish
Fly."
"So, what the hell is Jewish fly?"
"I don't know; I've never used it. You want to give it a
try?"
"Yes," says the guy, and the next chance he gets, on his
way to the men's room, he reaches behind her back and
drops the stuff in the woman's drink.
Nothing happens for a long time, but then all of a sudden
he feels her body close against his, and her voice is
whispering hotly in his ear, and she's saying "I can't
stand it anymore! You excite me so much...take me shop-
ping!"
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Catholic mothers
Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together and
discussing how wonderful their children are: The first
mother tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he
walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The
second Catholic woman chirps,
"Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a
room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put
you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks
into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?" She
replies, "My son is a handsome, 6' 3" hard-bodied,
Chippendale's stripper. Whenever he walks into a room,
all the women say, 'Oh, my God!"
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Gates of Heaven
Three women arrived simultaneously at the gates of Heaven
and were greeted by St. Peter. There will be a place for
each of you once you have confessed your sins," he
assured them, turning gravely to the 1st woman.
"I married one man, but I loved another," she admitted,
blushing, "so I divorced my husband, and married the man
I loved."
"Show her to the silver gates," St. Peter instructed a
minion, and turned to the 2nd woman.
I loved one man, married him, and lived happily ever
after," went her story. St. Peter directed her to be
shown thru the golden gates, and turned toward the 3rd
woman.
"I was a dancer in a cabaret," she confessed with a
becoming blush, "and I pleased every man who came to see
me, pleased them WELL for the right price."
"Show her to my room," said St. Peter.
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Stunning blonde
A stunning blonde had gone to her student advisor for
some course problems, but seemed to be paying only half
attention to his replies. "Are you feeling OK?" he asked.
"Well, to be honest, I have this compulsion to have sex
with every man I meet," she admitted. "Is there a name
for my condition?"
"Why yes, there is," he said, as he picked her up and
began carrying her to the couch.
"It's called 'Good News'."
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Cooking breakfast
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her
husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my
gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're
going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn
them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget
to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with
you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you
what it feels like when I'm driving.'
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Survey
According to a new survey, 76 percent of men said what
they look for most in a woman is a sense of humor and a
good personality...
This was a survey published in "Full Of Shit Magazine."
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Jewish Mother
After many years, a Jewish mother gets the phone call
she never thought she would get from her openly gay son.
"Mom, I've met a wonderful girl. I'm going straight,
and we're going to get married."
Mom is overjoyed, but can't really believe things are
that good. "I suppose it's too much to ask that she's
Jewish."
Her son says, "Mom, not only is she Jewish, but she
happens to be from a very wealthy and prominent Beverly
Hills family."
Mom is beside herself with joy, and says, "You don't
know how happy you've made me. What's her name?" The
son says, "Monica Lewinsky."
Mom is silent for a moment, and then says, "What happened
to that nice Catholic boy you used to date?"
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Privates
A young nurse was giving an old army man a bath and
told him he would have to wash his own privates.
"Privates?!" he shouted. "At my age they should be at
least Generals by now."
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Market research
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was
greeted by a young woman with three small children
running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing research for Vaseline. Have you ever
used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it
for?"
We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people
lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle
chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know
that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your
honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me
exactly how you
use it for sex?
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all, my
husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the
kids out." |
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Course in human sexuality
During a university course in human sexuality, the instructor was discussing various items in the Kinsey report.
The class members gasped audibly when the instructor read out that a woman had several hundred orgasms in a
single session.
A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?"
A female voice followed with, "The hell with her...Who was HE?'
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Young virgin
A young virgin marries a Greek man and before the wedding
her father tells her that, being Greek, her husband may
ask her to turn the other way in bed one day, but that
she doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to. Sure
enough, after a couple of months, her husband asks her
to turn over and she says,
"No, my father said I don't have to do this."
Her husband says "OK, that's fine by me, but I thought
you wanted children."
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Fox paws
The little girl comes running in to her mother who's in the
kitchen. She's carrying a book and she looks up to her mother
and asks:
"Mummy, what are 'fox paws'?
"Fox paws?" her mother asks. "What do you mean?"
"See," says the little girl, holding up her book and pointing,
"'fox paws'!"
"Oh," say her mother. "You mean 'faux pas' (ed. correctly
pronounced)! It's French, you know (ed. roll your rrrr's),
'faux pas'."
"I see, but what does it mean, mummy?"
"Well, it means a 'faux pas', you know. It's French!"
"I don't understand, mummy."
"Well, let me explain. Do you recall last week when the
Vicar was here for tea?"
"Uh huh."
"And do you recall when we went out into garden to see the
flowers?"
"Uh huh."
"And do you remember when he was smelling the roses and
he pricked his finger horribly on a thorn, and was just
bleeding all over everywhere?"
"Uh huh."
And do you remember later that afternoon when we were in
the drawing room about to have tea and you walked in and
said 'Hello Vicar. How's your prick?' and I said 'Oh shit!'
and dropped the teapot?"
"Uh huh."
"Well, THAT's a faux pas!" |
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The Barber
A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks
the barber, and asks how much he owes him.
The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the
cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house." The
priest says "Thank you very much" and leaves.
The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the
barbershop are 12 gold coins.
A few days later, a Buddhist monk goes in for a shave and
a shine, and when the time comes to pay the barber says,
"No money, please, you're a spiritual leader, a man of
the people, it's on the house."
The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep are 12
rubies.
The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut,
goes to pay, and the barber says, "No, Rabbi, you are
a learned man, a wise man, I can't take any money from
you, go in peace."
And the next day, magically appearing on the doorstep
of the barbershop are 12 rabbis.
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The 17 ways women fail in bed - 1 of 3
1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab
it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were
milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a
piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms.
The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and
should be awed, worshiped and held tenderly at all
times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your
face should be), not two thirds of the way down.
2. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on
the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward.
It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed,
inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.
3. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be coerced
to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some
sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty
and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.
4. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative
male lover gets carried away and says things like,
"Ride my hard cock you filthy cock sucking slut" or
"I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love
potion." Laughter at any aspect of the male performance
will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy
who can speak whole sentences.
5. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble
to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants
you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and
love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent
blindness in most cases but this is a risk you should
be prepared to take for his happiness.
6. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important.
Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy style. Roll over
and present. You know you love it.
The 17 ways women fail in bed - 2 of 3
7. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss
and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should
leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one
night stand you should leave the premises without
thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His
work is done.
8. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You
know you love it. If you don't like it that much,
still offer it as you can quite easily play with your-
self as he rams away.
9. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag,
use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage
if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.
10. CLOCK WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think
of saying: "Are you going to come soon?" If you're
doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to
utter the question. If you're giving a hand job, you
should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If
he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you
should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a
blissful act of union between two sexually aware and
gifted human beings.
11. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're
the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so
many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you
are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an
important thing.
12. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something.
Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if
both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the
men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't
mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and
know-how to do it but at least put some effort into
the act to show your appreciation.
The 17 ways women fail in bed - 3 of 3
13. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an
imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time
don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that
one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome.
If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway.
Plus you might learn something from her to keep your
man really happy.
14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your
pubic hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece
of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks
like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to
trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner
favored by the Playboy models that your man would
rather be shagging.
15. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much
trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your
mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savoring
the taste and gluey texture. You should play with
semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles,
chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like
"I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a
happy finale to fun and games.
16. BEING UNGRATEFUL: Never forget to thank a man
for all the effort and energy he has expended on
making love to you - especially if A) sex has
lasted more than five minutes and/or B) you managed
to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is far
more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice
when one's prowess is appreciated.
17. SEEKING FAVORS: Never contemplate taking advantage
of your man's warm after sex glow to seek favors or
make requests. As he drops off into well deserved
slumber, resist the urge to ask, "Do you think I should
buy that dress, skirt, sofa, Mercedes, country cottage?"
There is a name for the practice of mixing sex and
business. It's called whoring.
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Streetwalker
A young man had engaged the services of a streetwalker,
and had taken her to his apartment for the evening's
revelry. However, she refused to undress until payment
in full for her services was made in advance. After some
haggling, the young man agreed to her terms and he placed
two crisp ten-dollar bills in her hand. As soon as she
had deposited the twenty dollars in her stocking, she
bolted and started running down the stairs. The young man
followed her into the street and chased her around the
corner, yelling, "Stop, thief! Stop!" The girl ran, And
the young man stayed in hot pursuit, around corner after
corner. He was surprised, finally, to find her waiting
for him not of her own accord, but firmly in the grip of
a policeman who had heard his cries and had stopped the
girl as she ran by. The officer asked: "Is this he thief
you were chasing?"
"Yes," replied the victim, breathless. "I've been chasing
her for blocks."
"What do you want me to do with her?" the cop inquired.
The young man fought to regain his wind.
"Do whatever you want with her," he answered. "It's
already paid for."
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Q: What's the difference between a Boner and a Bonus?
A: There's a good chance your wife's gonna blow the bonus.
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Condoms
Nike Condoms:
~ Just do it.
Toyota Condoms:
~ Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms:
~ You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms:
~ Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms:
~ The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack:
~ Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms:
~ Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a
woman.
Macintosh Condom:
~ It does more, it costs less, it's that's simple.
Ford Condoms:
~ The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms:
~ Like a rock.
Blockbuster condoms:
~ Go home happy.
Dial Condoms:
~ Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish every-
body did?
New York Lotto Condoms:
~ Cause hey - you never know
California Lotto Condoms:
~ Who's next?
Subway condoms:
~ The way a sandwich should be.
Avis Condoms:
~ Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms:
~ Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms:
~ Always the Real Thing
Maxwell House condoms:
~ Good to the last drop.
Lays Condoms:
~ Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms:
~ Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric Condoms:
~ We bring good things to life!
AT&T Condoms:
~ Reach out and touch someone.
America Online Condoms:
~ No wonder it's number one!
Bounty Condoms:
~ The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft Condoms:
~ Where do you want to go today?
Energizer Condoms:
~ It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom:
~ It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
Taco Bell Condoms:
~ Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI Condoms:
~ For friends and family
Doublemint Condoms:
~ Double your pleasure, double your fun!
Big Red condoms:
~ Make it last a little longer.
The Sears latex condom:
~ One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines Condoms travel pack:
~ Delta is ready when you are.
United Airlines Condoms travel pack:
~ Fly United.
The Star Trek Condom:
~ To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.
Southwestern Airlines condoms:
~ Friends fly free |
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Golf
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in
horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of
men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his
hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and
proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began
to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical
Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few
minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony,
lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands
together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to
help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to
the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: 'It feels great, but my thumb still hurts
like hell.'
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Young bride
The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas
of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.
"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she
advised. "You should always wear something."
"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.
Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new
husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked,
"Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?"
"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"
"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every
night you've worn that silly hat to bed." |
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Check out
A man standing in line at a check out counter of a
grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive
woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.
He gave her that "who are you?" look, and couldn't
remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his
look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.
Look," she said, "I'm really sorry but when I first saw
you, I thought you were the father of one of my children,"
and walked out of the store. The guy was dumbfounded and
thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming
to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of
who fathers her children! "
Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her,"
he thought but, MAYBE during one of the wild parties
he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did
father her child!
He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot
and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college
and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on
the pool table in front of everyone?"
"No", she said with a horrified look on her face.
"I'm your son's second grade teacher!"
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Ecomomy Notice
Due to recent budget cuts and the cost of electricity,
gas and oil, as well as current market conditions and
the continued decline of the U.S. economy, The Light at
the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
We apologize for the inconvenience.
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Japanese tourist
A Japanese tourist hailed a taxi in downtown Chicago and
asked to be taken out to O'Hare Airport. On the way, a
car zoomed by and the tourist responded, "Ohhh!!!
TOYOTA!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"
Not too long after, another car flew by the taxi. "Ohh!!!
NISSAN!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"
Yet another zipped by, "Ohh!!! Mitsubishi!!! Made in
Japan!!! Very fast!!!"
The taxi driver, complete 100% American, was starting to
get a little miffed that the Japanese-made cars were
passing his Chevy, when yet another car passed the taxi
right as they were turning into the airport.
"Ohh!!! Honda!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"
The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed to the meter,
and said, "That'll be $150."
"150 dorrar? But was such short ride ... why so much?"
"Taxi Meter. Made in Japan. Very fast." |
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Yellow frog
There once was a yellow frog and all the other frogs
used to tease him. So, one day he went to an old witch
and asked if she could change him to green.
The witch said she could and she said the magic words.
The frog was green!
But when the frog looked down he said, "Witch, my private
parts are still yellow!"
The witch said, "I don't do private parts; you'll have
to go to my sister down the road." And so off the frog
went.
Later that day a blue deer came to ask the witch to
change him to brown. The witch did. Then he too saw that
his private parts were blue. "What about my private parts?"
The witch told him to go to his sister's house and she'd
change his private parts to brown.
The deer said, "I'm not very good with directions. How
do I get there?"
The witch said, "Oh that's easy, just follow the yellow
dicked toad!"
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Frequently asked questions of women
The following information was gained through much
arduous research involving men and women from all back-
grounds and walks of life. It consists of the most
frequently asked questions of women (i.e. relationships,
sex and life in general).
All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom
contained therein to change their behavior in accordance
with the truths established below.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right.
When it comes to love and sex, men are much more
responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused
as women. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important
thing to remember is that you must do whatever he
tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he
may ask you to do certain things that may at first
seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't
feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished
making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave
you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play
golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going
out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of
consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few
personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left
out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing
laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even
going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come
back when he's ready.
Q: What is "afterplay"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to
replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a
list of important activities for you to do after
lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette,
making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few
beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go
out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not
quantity, is important, studies show this is simply
not true. The average erect male penis measures
about three inches. Anything longer than that is
extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's
sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go
down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and
do everything possible to please him, such as
doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or
buying him an expensive gift.
Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth. |
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Mouse
A mouse was setting in a bar having a drink when a
beautiful female giraffe came in and sat down at the
end of the bar. The mouse looked over at her and ordered
her a drink. Soon he had moved down beside her and
ordered her another drink. After a third round, the
bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar
together.
The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely
crawled up on the barstool and sat there gasping for
air. His whiskers were bent and broken, tail was crooked
and patches of hair were falling out.
The bartender took one look and said, "How did it go last
night?"
The mouse said, "Man, that was the best sex I ever had."
The bartender asked, "Why do you look so bad?"
The mouse replied, "Hey between the kissing and the
screwing I must have run 10 miles!" |
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Trouble For The SWAT Team
The murderer was holed up in his house, and the SWAT
team was trying to get him out.
A cop got on the bullhorn and said, "Come on out, or
I'm going to come in there and drag you out!"
The murderer called back, "I'm warning you. If you don't
wipe your feet when you come in, my wife'll kill us both!"
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Murphy's Rules of Sex
- Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than them.
- Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
- Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
- A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
- It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
- Don't say no, say maybe, say any old thing, say come back in the spring, but don't say no.
- A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
- Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
- Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
- Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. |
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Virgin Father
A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest...the grass
was very thick and long, and it took the boy about 4
hours to cut. He approached the Father for payment and
the priest paid him $1.00.
The boy said "Thank you, virgin Father!"
The priest replied, "What did you say?"
The boy repeated, "Thank you, virgin Father!"
The priest asked him, "Do you know what that means?"
The boy replied, "Yes.... tight ass!" |
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Babies
There were three little babies sitting next to each other
in shopping carts in the grocery store.
The first little baby said, "Ugh, the worst thing in the
world -- my mom just bought pablum!"
The second baby said, "Well, this is worse -- my mom
just bought strained peas!"
The third baby said, "You think that's bad. How would
you like to share a breast with a guy that smokes cigars!"
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Reasons to Allow Drinking at Work
It's an incentive to show up.
It reduces stress.
It leads to more honest communication.
It reduces complaints about low pay.
It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
It encourages carpooling.
It increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't realize it.
It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
It makes fellow employees look better.
It makes conversations easier.
It promotes honesty.
It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so emb! arrassing. |
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TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way!
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck cares?
TRY SAYING: He's not fa! miliar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Bite me.
TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting?
TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a fucking prick.
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a bal! l-busting bitch.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use! more tr aining.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck are you doing?
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Are You From Ireland?
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in! 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
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Parrot
A businessman finds that his neighbor in the first class
cabin of his flight is a parrot.
They take off and the stewardess asks what they would
like to drink.
"Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot.
The businessman orders a coke.
After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts
yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and
give me my drink!"
The stewardess runs to him with his glass, leaving the
businessman still thirsty.
Half an hour later the stewardess makes a second round.
The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street
Journal. The businessman asks for another coke.
Again, after a couple of minutes, the bird screams,
squawking, "You lazy bitch! Where's my drink!"
The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the
parrot his drink and the newspaper. The businessman
still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides
to take his cue from the bird.
"Hey,! Will you bring me my damn coke?"
Out of nowhere a steward, the captain and two passengers
grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and
throw them out of the plane.
At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side
and the parrot says to the terrified man,
"Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings." |
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Grandmother
Mother: What seems to be the problem with you? You
have been married three years and still no
children. I had hopes of being a grandmother
by now.
Daughter: I just don't know, Mom! Billy tries all the
time, it's just that I have a lot of trouble
swallowing.
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Wedding night
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her
new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first love-
making encounter. In his highly aroused state, her
husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love,
for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was
a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other
incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised
to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his
employer was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely
that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another
position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning,
and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed
more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest
totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certif-
icates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth
over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of
the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she
had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied
and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over
$3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely
speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
"If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have
given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep
their mouths shut!
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Alaska
A man left the lower forty-eight for Alaska to get away
from it all. At the last outpost before losing himself
in the wilderness for a year, he decides that an entire
season alone should be started by a farewell party. He
goes into the only saloon in town and proceeds to drink
and laugh it up with anyone that stopped in. Late in the
evening and feeling frisky, he asks the bartender, "Are
there are any ladies of the night to be had?", but the
bartender shakes his head and says that he's sorry, but
there are no women available." Are you sure?", the guy
asks, "Because I sure am horny and I'm headed for the
wilds for a year".
"No", says the bartender, "But there is Charlie the
Chinaman".
The man is aghast and declares that "he doesn't go that
route". The next day he leaves for the woods and is gone
for nearly a year. Finally, showing up at the saloon
where he started from, he downs many drinks and asks the
bartender if he has imported any women yet.
"No", the barkeep says, "But Charlie the Chinaman is
still available".
Incensed, the guy says," I told you I don't go that route",
and stomps out to his hideaway in the wilds for another
year.
By this time he is horny enough that the bears are
starting to look good, so off to town he goes and up to
the bar where he says, "I don't suppose you have any women
yet, do you?".
"Nope", is the reply, "Just old reliable Charlie the
Chinaman".
With a furtive look over his shoulder he says to the
artender, "Well look, I'll give it a try if you promise not
to tell anyone, because I really don't go that route, you
know".
"Oh, no problem", came back, "The only ones to know will
be the seven of us".
"Seven of us?", shouts the man.
"Yeah", says the bartender, "You, me, Charlie and the
four guys holding Charlie. Charlie don't go that route
either.
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Olympic Condoms
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand: "Olympic
Condoms." Impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon arriving home he announces to his wife the purchase
he just made. "Olympic condoms?" she blurts. "What makes
them so special?"
"They're in three colors," he replies, "gold, silver, and
bronze."
"What color are you planning on wearing tonight?" she
asks cheekily.
"Why, gold, of course," says the man proudly.
"Really?" she responds. "Why don't you wear the silver
tonight? It'd be nice if you came second for a change."
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Women are just like orange juice cartons. It's not the
shape or the size that matters, or even how sweet the
juice is. It's getting those dang flaps to open!
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Dead cow
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman
and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke,
and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture,
she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the
field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could
she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a
depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well
as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of
the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead
(and the cow), and he decided to go down to the river
and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discov-
ered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've
seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if
you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will
restore your parents and the cow to you."
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was
simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid
drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering
what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into
the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have
sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything
right." And while the son tried his best (seven times),
it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned
him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the
dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided
that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to
the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the
mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can
make everything right if you will only have sex with me
fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times
in a row?"
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request.
Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?"
And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request,
he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough Okay, if you will have sex
with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring every-
body back to perfect health."
Then the young son asked, "Wait, how do I know that
thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the
cow?"
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The Ark
"Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There
will be NO sex on this trip. Not even the wetting of
the tips of your penises. All of you males, take off
your dicks and hand it to my sons. I will sit over
there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you
can get you dicks back."
After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's
cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said "Get on my
shoulders and look out the window to see if there is
any land out there!"
Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked out the
window. "Sorry, no land yet."
"Shit!" and out went Mr. Rabbit. This went on every
day until Mrs.Rabbit got fed up with him. "What is the
matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days
and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be
able to see land. Why are you acting so excited every
day?"
"Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with a sinister look on his
face as he held out a piece of paper. "I GOT THE
DONKEY'S RECEIPT!!"
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The Ark
"Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There
will be NO sex on this trip. Not even the wetting of
the tips of your penises. All of you males, take off
your dicks and hand it to my sons. I will sit over
there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you
can get you dicks back."
After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's
cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said "Get on my
shoulders and look out the window to see if there is
any land out there!"
Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked out the
window. "Sorry, no land yet."
"Shit!" and out went Mr. Rabbit. This went on every
day until Mrs.Rabbit got fed up with him. "What is the
matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days
and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be
able to see land. Why are you acting so excited every
day?"
"Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with a sinister look on his
face as he held out a piece of paper. "I GOT THE
DONKEY'S RECEIPT!!"
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Old geezers
Three geezers are sitting on a porch in Miami Beach.
Suddenly the first sighs and says, "Gentlemen, isn't
life horrible. Here I am at an age that I can afford
the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I have to
eat ground or soft foods."
The second answers, "Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why
here I am at an age where I can buy the finest wines,
champagne but what? Ulcers, I have to drink milk."
The third sighs loudly and adds, "Gentlemen, I know
exactly what you mean. Last night at 2 am I nudged my
wife and asked her if she's interested. She screams at
me, "What is wrong with you Sam? We just got finished
doing it for the second time tonight!"
After a long pause the first man says, "So what is your
problem?"
The third one grunts and says, "Can't you see? My memory
is going."
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A guy and his wife went to the Texas state fair and
One of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
wife playfully nudged hubby in the ribs,
Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
wife gave hubby a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~
That's more than twice a week! ............You could learn a lot from him.'
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
In capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke hubby's ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ....You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
Fed up with all this bull.. hubby looked at her and gently whispered in her ear :
'Why don't you go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'
Hubby's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and should eventually make a full recovery |
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Blind kids
A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's
soccer team to an "away game". They stop for a rest break,
and to let the kids work off some energy with a little
impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is
sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron
how it is that blind kids can play soccer.
"We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids
can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing
by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too."
"Very clever!" remarks the other patron.
Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is
looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with
those damn blind kids from the bus?"
"Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are
being referred to, "what about it? You got something
against blind kids?"
"Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out
the window, "but you better get them rounded up quick!
They're kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!"
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Dying man
There was a man in a hospital who thought that he would
die. So he asks the beautiful nurse to accomplish his
last wish. "Nurse," he says, "I want to kiss the head of
Nikita Kruschev." (you know a president of the ex USSR
who was fat and had no hair on his head).
"Nikita Kruschev? But he is dead for a long time."
"I don't care I want to kiss his head," the man says.
"This is my last wish!"
The nurse didn't know what to do. Then she thought of
something. As the man did not wear his glasses the nurse
takes her beautiful tits out of her bra and offers the
left one to the man.
He holds it, caresses it and very moved. He said, "Oh my
dear Nikita, my old friend!! How happy I am to see you
again!"
He was kissing her left tit so warmly that the nurse
started liking the whole situation. She asks the man,
"What about kissing president Eisenhower's head." "Yes!!
Is he here too?"
"Of course he is here," she says, and offers him her
right tit. "Oh my dear president how happy I am to see
you here," said the man, kissing again and again,
"Eisenhower."
The nurse liked all that very very much; and started to
feel her pussy getting moist; so she asks the man,
"What about Fidel Castro?"
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The Older Crowd
* Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop
lying about your age and start bragging about it.
* The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting
in line for.
* Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I
want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled
a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
* When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to
youth, think of algebra.
* You know you are getting old when everything either
dries up or leaks.
* One of the many things no one tells you about aging is
that it is such a nice change from being young.
* Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfort-
able.
* First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then
you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you
forget to pull it down.
* Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with
sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called
golf.
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Priest & Nun
A priest and a nun are on their way home from a conv-
ention when suddenly, their car dies.
The priest says to the nun "Well Sister, I'm afraid
we are going to have to go to a hotel for the night."
The nun just smiles, and says, " OK, Father."
They arrive at the hotel to find that there is only
one room available. The priest says 'Well Sister, I'm
afraid we are going to have to share a room. I'm sure
that under the circumstances, God won't mind. You sleep
in the bed and I'll sleep on the couch."
The nun just smiles and says, "OK, Father."
They check into the room and prepare for bed, the
priest on the couch, and the nun in the bed. The
priest turns out the lights and goes to sleep.
Ten minutes later the nun says, "Father, I'm cold."
The priest says, "OK Sister, I'll get you an extra
blanket." He gets her a blanket and goes back to sleep.
Ten minutes later, the nun says, "Father, I'm STILL
cold." So the priest gets up, gets her another blanket,
and goes back to sleep again.
Ten minutes later, the nun says, "Father, I'm VERY cold.
You don't suppose that, under the circumstances, God
would mind if we acted like husband and wife for just
one night?"
The priest answered, " No. I don't suppose he would -
GET YOUR OWN DAMN BLANKET! "
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A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her
students that she wanted each of them to have learned
one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following
week she asked each child in turn what he or she had
learned. Susie said, "He was born in a manger."
Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the
temple."
Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he
doesn't know how to drive it." Curious, the teacher
asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?" "From
my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving
down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out
in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ!
Why don't you learn how to drive?'"
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Toy six shooters
Little David was the recipient of a holster and a pair
of toy six shooters on his birthday. He went to show off
his new toys, in full cowboy regalia.
He went to the local ice cream stand, drew his pistols
and exclaimed "I want a sundae, and I want it NOW!"
The waitress asked him "What flavor?"
Little David replied, as he waved his guns "I want a
chocolate sundae, and I want it NOW!"
The waitress asked, " Do you want whipped cream on it?"
Little David said "I want whipped cream on it, and I want
it NOW!"
The waitress asked, " Do you want a cherry on it?"
Little David said "I want a cherry on it, and I want it
NOW!"
The waitress asked, " Do you want your nuts crushed or
chopped?"
Little David replied, "Do you want your tits shot off?" |
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Special ring
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store
one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his
side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring
for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his
stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said,
'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special
stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning
ring at only $40,000,' the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body
trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said,
'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old
man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my
check is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call
the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the
ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.
'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about
my weekend!' |
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Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird
of true love?
A: The swallow.
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3 inch man
Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me
two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy here."
The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you
want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"
Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best
buddy in my pocket here." With that he pulls out a little
3 inch man from his pocket.
The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can
drink that much?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some," the man
retorted.
So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough, the
little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing," says the bartender. "What else can he
do? Can he walk?"
Rodney flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and
says, "Hey, Al, go fetch that quarter."
The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up
the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to Rodney.
The bartender is totally amazed by this display.
"That's amazing," he says, "what else can he do? Does he
talk?"
Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise
in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey Al,
tell him about that time we were in down in Africa on
safari and you insulted that witch doctor!"
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Pastor Fuzz
The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying around in this bar!"
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded and said, "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."
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George said to Mary, "I'll bet you ten dollars that we
could have the best sex that you have ever had without
me touching you."
"You're nuts," she said, "Here is ten dollars that says
you can't do that!"
They put the money on the mantelpiece.
That night George and Mary proceeded to have sex.
Reluctantly, Mary had to admit that it was the best
sex that she could remember.
The next morning she exclaimed, "Well, it may have been
the best sex I've ever had... but you did nothing BUT
touch me!"
George gave Mary the ten dollars and departed with these
words, "So I lose."
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Keep old motor running
The marriage of an 80-year-old man and a 20-year-old
woman was the talk of the town. After being married a
year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of
their first child. The attending nurse came out of the
delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and
said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old
motor running.'
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital
for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was
attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate
the old gentleman. She said, 'Sir, you are something else;
How do you manage it?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old
motor running.'
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for
the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there
for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once
again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said,
'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?
'The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before,
you gotta keep the old motor running.'
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and
said: 'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This
one's black!'
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One hot summer day, Trudy came to town with her dog,
tied it in the shade of a tree, and headed into a rest-
aurant for something cold to drink.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant
and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?
Trudy said it was hers.
'Well, your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied
up under that shade tree.
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog
needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread.
She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand.
Your dog wants to have sex!'
Trudy looked at the cop and said, 'Well ok, go ahead. I
always wanted a police dog.' |
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Pastor
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like
to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and
walked to the podium. She said, 'I have a Praise.' Two
months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck
and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was
excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could
help him.'
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the cong-
regation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim exper-
ienced. She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold the
children or me and every move caused him terrible pain.
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation.
They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of
Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'
Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably
as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the
doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover
completely.' All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had
anything to say.
A man rose and walked slowly to the podium. He said,
'I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is sternum.'
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First baby
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to
see the Obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't
mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my
daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!"
"Nonsense," the doctor said."even though you and your
wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may
have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be,
our families on both sides had jet-black hair for
generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this; how often
do you have sex?" The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've
been working very hard for the past year. We only made
love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently.
"It's rust."
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The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the
man a shot. 'No way! No needles! I hate needles,' the
patient said. The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing
gas and the man objects.' I can't do the gas thing. The
thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!'
The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection
to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm
fine with pills.'
The Dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra
tablet. 'The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra
worked as a pain killer!!!
'It doesn't,' said the Dentist, 'but it will give you
something to hold onto when I pull your tooth.'
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Q: What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from
rusting?
A: Sticks it in Olive Oyl.
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At 75 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding
she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned
that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the
entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the
expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens
and there is Roger, her 75 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and
she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and
it's Roger, Again he is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Jenny
consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses
his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger is back
again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for
more action. And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, ' I
am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so
often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only
good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was
here already?'
The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages!
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The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it.
Omar Khayyam
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Valuable scientific data.
The following are two proposed additions to the periodic table of elements (from chemistry class):
Element name: woman
Symbol: WO
Atomic weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element name: man
Symbol: XY
Atomic weight: (180 +/-50)
Phy! sical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good source of methane. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
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Bars
A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar. They
are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a
nice place. Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice
bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a
better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy
another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your
third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but
where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn,
there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink,
Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys
you another drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a
great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I
come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's.
At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you
your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and
then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that
actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me
sister!"
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UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
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CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
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Widows
Two widowed senior citizens ladies were discussing their
sex lives and the first lady said that she had not had
any since her husband had died 5 years ago.
The second lady said she gets all the free young sex
she wants.
Well this got the first ladies attention right now and
she wanted to know how she managed that.
The second lady told her that when she went to buy
groceries that she parked as far from the entrance of
the store as possible and as the young carry out boy
carried her groceries to her car that she just let him
know in a very subtle way that she was available.
Well the first lady was very hesitant about doing that.
But one day she was feeling very horny and decided, what
the heck, she was going to give it a try.
She went to the grocery store and parked as far from the
entrance as possible and bought a BIG bunch of groceries,
a lot of things she didn't even need!
As the young carry out boy was carrying her groceries to
the car she kind of rubbed up against him and whispered in
a very nervous, low, loving and tender voice that she has
an itchy pussy.
He turns to her and said, "Lady, all of these foreign
cars look alike to me. You're just going to have to point
it out." |
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A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak...
He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged...shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'
'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.
'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'
'Well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'
'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the Syracuse Symphony. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.' |
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New Recruits
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could." |
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Several women were sitting around the table talking, and
the subject turned to their husbands. One lady said "My
husband just won't go to church with me, I think he's
going to go to hell." This led to talk around the table
and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or
another, all the husbands were going to end up in hell.
So, then the housewives started speculating about them-
selves. One woman said "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll
make it to Heaven."
Another one said, "No, I did this bad thing, I won't
make it." So, then they noticed that one of the ladies
wasn't saying anything. And they looked at her and said
"You're such a nice lady, surely you're going to Heaven...?"
She says "No, first thing in the morning, I'm going to
buy me a ticket straight to hell!" They were shocked and
asked why.
"Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without
men, do you?"
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Scooby Dooby Dooby
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' "
She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"
"Why yes, I do. How did you know?"
The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock..." |
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A Scotsman is sitting on a train across from a busty
blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts,
he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.
To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underö
wear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires,
"Are you looking at my growler?"
"Yes, I'm sorry, " says the Scotsman and promises to
avert his eyes.
"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very
talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the growler blows him a kiss.
Wee Hughie, who is completely absorbed, inquires what
else the growler can do.
"I can also make it wink, " says the woman.
The Scotsman stares in amazement as the growler winks
at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting
the seat.
The Scotsman moves over and is asked, "Would you like
to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, The Scotsman replies, "Good grief! Can it
whistle, too?" |
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Confucius says man and mouse alike. Both end up in
pussy. |
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Russian roulette
An African ambassador visited Russia and was entertained
for three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined,
and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia
had to offer. On the last day of his visit, the Russian
ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's
time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roul-
ette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded -
you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and
pull the trigger." This phased the African slightly, but
he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear
would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun,
and pulled the triggers. Both chambers were empty, and
both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was impressed with the courageous
game, and thought hard about the subject before the
Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next
year. When the visit came, the African ambassador treated
the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of
his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace,
the African ambassador poke, "Now, time for you to sample
our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into
the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning
and naked women. The African ambassador said, "These
women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes.
Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he
couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette.
He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part?
Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador
answered: "One of them's a cannibal." |
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A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a
gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic
ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the
Sergeant Major for conversation.
'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very
serious man. Is something bothering you?'
'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations
and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'
'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conver-
sation, said, 'You know you should lighten up a little.
Relax and enjoy yourself. '
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious
manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope
you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last
time you had sex?'
'1955, ma'am.'
'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You
really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!
She took his hand and led him to a private room where
she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his
bare chest and said, Wow, you sure didn't forget much
since 1955.'
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after
glancing at his watch, I hope not; it's only 2130 now.' |
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Better Doctor
Two doctors were jogging down a wood path, each arguing
as to who was the better doctor. The 1st claimed he was
better, then the 2nd. This went on for 30 minutes or so!
Finally the 1st doctor said to the 2nd, "If your so
good - then prove it". The 2nd doctor said "ok I will".
The 2nd doctor looked around, up and down and saw an owl
sitting up in an old oak tree. He said "see that owl",
the 1st replied "yes", "I'll give that owl a tonsillec-
tomy in 10 minutes" said the 2nd doctor. The 1st doctor
encouraged him to try.
The clock started ticking, he reached up in the oak tree
and grabbed the owl. With a "clip", "snip", and "clip" -
the 2nd doctor was done. He proceeded to say, "9 minutes
and 15 seconds later, I'm through - beat that!".
The 1st doctor then stated that he could beat the 2nd
doctor by performing a vasectomy in 5 minutes. He asked
the 2nd if he successfully completed the vasectomy in 5
minutes would he be the better of the two doctors. To
that the doctored replied "yes".
The clock started ticking, he reached up in the oak tree
and grabbed the same owl. With a "clip", "snip", "cut",
"bang", "stitch", and "clip" - the 1st doctor was done.
He completed his operation in a record 3 minutes and 35
seconds. Both doctors went on jogging down the path happy
and content as to whom was the better of the two doctors.
The next day the Mr. Owl and Mrs. Owl were flying along
when Mrs. Owl stated "I'm tired, lets land and rest a
while!". Mr. Owl said "ok!"
Mrs. Owl looked around and saw (with here keen vision)
a wonderful old oak tree to perch on, see stated, "lets
land over there on the old oak tree".
Mr. Owl looked around and saw the oak tree, only to
proclaim, "I'M NOT LANDING THERE".
Mrs. Owl said "why not", Mr. Owl again proclaimed "I'M
NOT LANDING THERE". This went on for some time!
Mrs. Owl said, "tell me why you don't want to land
there or we're going to!".
Mr. Owl said; "Well, ever since I landed in that old
oak tree yesterday, I can't hoot worth a fuck or fuck
worth a hoot. |
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New Boots
Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"
"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants."
"What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?"
"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow."
Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!"
Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!" |
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Parish Priest
The parish priest very furtively calls the mother
superior into his office.
This is how their conversation went:
"Sister, I want to show you something."
"What is it, Father?
"Come into my private room & close the blinds."
"WHAT?!"
"I said....."
"I heard what you said - I just can't believe you're
saying it!"
"Well, I really need you to come in."
Curious, the nun does as she is told.
"Here, sit on the bed beside me."
"I have to get out of here."
"Aren't you the least bit curious?"
Well, the nun was so she sat down beside him.
"Get under the covers."
"WHAT?????!!!!!"
The nun was really freaking out.
"It doesn't work otherwise!"
After much coaxing, the nun does get under the covers
with him.
He whispers: "Come closer."
Nervously, she does get closer.
"See," the priest whispers gleefully, "my new watch does
glow in the dark!!!!" |
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A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro
asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do.
The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.
The pro said "Your swing is good but you're gripping
the club too hard grip the club gently as you would
your husband's penis.".
The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275
yards straight down the fairway.
The pro said "That was excellent!! Let's try it again,
only this time take the club out of your mouth." |
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Your Kids Might Have Inherited Your Kink If
The neighbors complain that your kids do full body cavity
searches when playing cops and robbers.
You go in the playroom and find an interrogation chair
built entirely of Legos.
You come home and find the kids tickling a bound and
gagged baby-sitter.
You tell your daughter she's too old to spank, and she
assures you quite firmly that she isn't.
You yell to your daughter to do her chores, she answers
she's tied up right now... and she really is tied up.
The kids' favorite game is Cowboy and Dominatrix.
Your son earned his merit badge in tying knots...twelve
times.
You notice your son's G.I. Joe has Barbie on a leash.
You bought a clothes dryer because every time your kids
went out to play, the clothesline and clothespins van-
ished.
You ask your son to walk the dog, and later notice the
dog's still home, but the leash and your daughter aren't. |
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Convention
An unemployed young man saw a Help Wanted sign outside
a large convention center. He went in an applied for
the job.
"We have a major business convention tomorrow - some
of the most important executives in the world will be
coming! I need someone who will take care of security,
check the invitations, give directions, etc. You will
stand at the front door. Can you do it?" said the
manager.
"Oh, YES SIR!" said the young man.
The following night the manager gave final instructions.
"THIS IS YOUR JOB DESCRIPTION AND A LIST OF YOUR DUTIES!
You need to be paying attention! I need your full co-
operation! You HAVE to do this job correctly! I have
put these directions on this paper!" he said, handing
it to the young man.
"Remember! The guests remain on the convention floor!
The rest of the center is being used! And keep things
clean! And the floor is slippery! Be careful! And you
are SECURITY! So keep order!"
"Yes, SIR!" said the idiot enthusiastically.
An hour later, the convention was going well and the
manager was greeting the executives.
Then he heard something strange. He went outside and
his mouth dropped open in shock. He saw a very
distinguished gentleman, an impeccably dressed, hand-
some and dignified city executive in a $3,000 navy
blue pin-striped business suit, carefully knotted red
silk tie, starched white shirt, hundred dollar haircut
and silver cuff links. However, this corporate executive
was barefoot! In addition, he was down on all fours
and cleaning the floor with a scrub brush!
The idiot, now the security guard and greeter, was
yelling orders and in one hand he held a pair of
highly polished Italian leather loafers. In the other
he held a pair of black silk business socks.
"Please! This is an Armani suit! It's getting WET!"
begged the executive. "And when can I put my shoes
and socks back on?"
"No questions, and get to work!" snapped the idiot,
and slapped the soles of the executive's bare feet.
The executive shuddered.
The manager ran over to the businessman and helped
him up.
The executive's face was beet red with anger and
humiliation.
"You will be SUED! This is an outrage! He pushed
me down and pulled these right off my feet! Give
me those! He told me to start scrubbing or he would
use his gun!" yelled the executive, and he grabbed
his shiny expensive shoes and socks from the young
man.
"What are you doing?!" shouted the manager to the
idiot, in shock. "How dare you?!"
The idiot looked bewildered.
"But I'm just following directions, sir! You said:
Keep things clean! Keep order!"
The manager yelled: "He was BAREFOOT on ALL FOURS
and wearing an ARMANI SUIT!"
The idiot said: "But it says right here: 'KEEP
GUESTS ON THE FLOOR AT ALL TIMES! NO EXCEPTIONS!"
The manager groaned. "But what about his SHOES?
Why did you take them away from him? Are you
crazy?
The idiot pointed at his job description:
"NO LOAFERS WILL BE TOLERATED!" |
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An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for
the elevator. The porter looked a bit confused, but
smiled when he realized what the man wanted. "You must
mean the lift."
"No, if I ask for the elevator, I mean the elevator."
"Well, over here, we call them lifts."
"Now, you listen here. Someone in America invented the
elevator."
"Oh, right you are, sir. But someone here in England
invented the language" |
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Q: Why don't women have brains?
A: They don't have a cock to keep them in! |
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Audit
The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the
IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph
shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant
lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain
by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the
IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph.
"How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go
ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can
bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that
I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost
three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts
to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you
six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your
desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side,
and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage
that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but
although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream
reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much
urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just
turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney
moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the
attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been
summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars
that he could come in here and piss all over your desk
and that you'd be happy about it." |
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Joke # 1
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no
lifeguard.
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Joke # 2
Letter to the Bank
Dear Sirs,
In view of what seems to be happening internationally
with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could
advise me correctly.
If one of my checks is returned marked "insufficient
funds." How do I know whether that refers to me, or to
you?
MM
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Joke # 4
Pastor
A pastor went into the pulpit one Sunday morning wearing
a pair of new bifocals. The reading portion of the glasses
improved his vision considerably, but the top portion of
the glasses didn't work so well. In fact he was experie-
ncing dizziness every time he looked through them.
He explained to the congregation that the new glasses were
causing problems, "I hope you will excuse my continually
removing my glasses," he said. "You see, when I look down
I can see fine, but when I look at you, it makes me sick."
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Joke # 5
Blow job
A man is walking down the street, when he sees a machine
with two holes and with a sign overhead that reads: 'Blow
Job'. The machine has two slots, one for one dollar and
one for a quarter.
He looks in his pockets and finds a dollar and a quarter.
He throws the dollar in the machine and sticks his penis
into the first hole. And, surprisingly, it feels good...
it feels very good... And just when he's about to come,
the machine stops.
So he puts his dick in the other hole and puts the quarter
in. And it hurts, it hurts. At first he is not even able
to take his dick out, but when he does, it's raw and
covered with blood. He's crying because of the pain.
An old lady comes from behind the machine and stops to
ask what's the matter. He tells her about the first hole
and how *wonderful* it felt. Then he describes the hell
of the second hole, and shows her his red and torn penis.
And the little old biddy smiles sweetly and says,
"You don't expect me to take out my false teeth for a
quarter, do you?"
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Joke # 6
Dog
Morty visits the veterinarian in Boca Raton and says,
"My dog has a problem."
The doctor replies, "So tell me about the dog's problem."
"First you should know, he's a Jewish dog. His name is
Irving and he can talk," says Morty.
"He can talk?" the doubtful doctor asks.
"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands:
"Irving, Fetch!"
Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then
turns around and demands, "So why are you talking to
me like that? You order me around like I'm nothing.
And you only call me when you want something. And then
you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You
give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat,
and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like
dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take
me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short
pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out
a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should
roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"
The Doctor is amazed. "This is remarkable! What could
be the problem?"
Morty says, "Obviously, he has a hearing problem! I said
'Fetch', not 'Kvetch'."
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Joke # 7
Q: What is so great about anal sex?
A: It is warm, tight, and more degrading to women.
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The sailor and the priest were playing golf. The sailor
was not very good at it, and uttered a loud "FUCK, I
missed!" each time he missed. The priest tolerated him
for a few minutes and couldn't take it any more.
"Do not swear thus, my friend, or God will punish you."
It didn't make a difference, the sailor continued
unabated. One after another, the sailor played badly,
and followed up with "FUCK, I missed!!"
Again, the priest said "Do not utter such profanities,
or God will show you a sign."
It didn't help, and the next stroke missed was followed
by a loud "FUCK, I missed!!" A bolt of lightning dropped
out of the clouds and struck the priest dead.
Suddenly, a voice was heard in the clouds, "FUCK, I
missed!!!" |
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For years He thought He was a Amazing Lover..........
But then...................
He found out..............
His wife was....................
Asthamatic!!
Happy Valentines Day!! |
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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Any orders
Boss: Did you get any orders today?
Salesman: Yes, I got two!
Boss: Congratulations! What were they?
Salesman: "Get out!" and "Stay out!"
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Q: What do you get when you put a bomb in a guy's under-
wear?
A: Banana split.
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Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a
plane:
"I think everyone's asleep, let's go."
"This one's empty... no-ones looking... you go in first."
"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down!"
"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on."
Sniff, sniff," Ah perfume - you think of everything!"
"This is great....." (long sigh!)
Static on the loud speaker, then a new voice: "This is
the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear
toilet. We know what you're doing, and it is expressly
forbidden by airline regulations. Now put those cigarettes
out and take the condom off the smoke detector."
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Aids
Nigel goes into the doctor's office and has some tests
run.
The doctor comes back and says, "Nigel, I am not going
to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."
Nigel is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds
of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled
carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40
walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal,
and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
Nigel asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding
of what your ass is for."
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Old married couple
There was an old married couple who had lived happily
together for nearly forty years. The only friction in
their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of
breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.
The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell
would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and
gasp for air.
Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop
ripping such nasty farts. He told her that he couldn't
help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if
anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of
it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily
function and then he would laugh in her face as she
tried to wave the fumes away with her hands.
She told him that there was nothing natural about it
and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart
his guts out."
The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and
the husband continued to ignore her warnings about
"farting his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning.
Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the
turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards,
a thought occurred to her as to how she might solve her
husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face,
she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked
upstairs before her flatulent husband awoke.
While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the
covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey
shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her
husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers
and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the
family meal.
Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his
normal loud ass-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a
blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps
as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.
The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to
tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years
of putting up with him, she had finally gotten even!
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs
in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in
his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she
asked him what was wrong.
He said, "Honey, you were right - all those years you
warned me and I didn't listen to you"
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my
guts out one of these days and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God and these two fingers... I think
I got' em all back in!!!"
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Q: What is the useless piece of flesh attached to the
p*nis?
A: The Man. |
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The two most important senses we have are horse and
common.
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Hebrew teacher
The Hebrew teacher says to her class, "We have recently
been learning how powerful kings and queens were in
Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody
tell me what it is?"
"Aces," says Sarah.
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Q: When a woman arouses a man and leaves, she is known
as a c*ck teaser. What is a male called when he does
the same to a female?
A: Moisturizer.
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Pancakes
As a mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, the
boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
The mother saw an opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my
brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"
The older boy said to his younger brother, "Ryan, you
be Jesus!"
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Wedding
A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for
their wedding.
When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or
a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.
On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take
an alternate route to the church. The streets were
flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his
trousers dry.
When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed
him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the
ceremony was starting. "Pull down your pants," whispered
the pastor.
"Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom
responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional
service."
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Symptons
A man goes to the doctor's office one day. The nurse,
quite attractive, says, "The doctor is over at the
hospital right now. He won't be back for about an hour.
Could you tell me your symptoms, please?"
He tells her.
She looks at him appraisingly and decides he's just
tense. She offers, "Well, um, for $50, I've got just
the thing for you!"
He agrees, and she takes him into an examining room and
screws the daylights out of him.
About a week later, he returns, only to find that the
doctor is there.
The doctor listens to the man's symptoms, examines him,
and decides the man is just tense... he writes out a
prescription for a sedative and says, "That'll be $150
for this visit."
The man says, "If it's all the same to you, doctor,
I'd rather have the $50 cure!" |
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You filthy pervert
At a party a guy cornered a girl and whispered something
in her ear.
"You filthy pervert!" she shrieked. "What makes you think
I'd let you do a thing like that to me?"
Then her eyes narrowed and she said, "Unless you're the
s.o.b. that stole my diary..."
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Q: What would you get if you put your iPod in the
refrigerator?
A: Very cool music.
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Looking dejected
John was in a bar looking very dejected.
His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his
head sadly. "I have a real problem with her."
"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their
mother-in-law."
"Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."
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Sex
Young Pauly found a girlfriend, but neither one of them
knew what to do about sex (one would have thought it's
intuitive, but there you have it).
They went to Maury for advice, and Maury told the
young woman to undress and get on the bed and he would
show them what to do.
The young woman undressed as she was told by Maury
and preceded to get on the bed.
Experienced Maury then began to show them the steps
involved in making love, in every possible position.
When he was finished, he said to Pauly, "Now you can
take her home and practice what I have shown you."
The young woman said, "Wait a minute Maury, show
him again what to do... he is a little forgetful."
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
Whip me
Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's
mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky
side, yells, "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"
Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity,
obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a
flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the
antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until
they both collapse in ecstasy.
About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left
by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes
to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds
and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"
Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with
Paddy [let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip
her] eventually admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I
thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've
got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever
seen".
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Q: Why don't bananas ever get lonely?
A: Because they go around in bunches. |
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Aspirin Cure
A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news
broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the
trouble was he kept winking and stammering.
The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the
qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep
winking and stammering disqualifies you."
"Oh, that's no problem," said the man. "If I take a
couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for
an hour."
"Show me," said the interviewer.
So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he
pulled out loads of condoms of every variety - ribbed,
flavoured, colored and everything before he found the
packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked
perfectly and stopped winking.
The interviewer said, "That's amazing, but I don't think
we could employ someone who'd be womanizing all over the
country."
"Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married
man, not a womanizer!"
"Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked
the interviewer.
The man replied, "Have you ever gone into a pharmacy,
stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of
aspirin?" |
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Confucius Says... It takes many nails to build crib, but
one screw to fill it.
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Mr. Flack was called in for an audit, and a surly
Internal Revenue officer confronted him.
"It says here that you're a bachelor - yet you have
claimed a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake."
Mr. Hands looked him straight in the eye and said, "Yep,
it surely was."
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Q: Where do geologists like to go for entertainment?
A: To rock `n' roll concerts.
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To drink
A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself.
Soon, the waitress came over to take his order. "..and
to drink?" she asked. The man said he would like
coffee.
The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee,
but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the
table.
"Oh my God! I am so sorry!"
"That's OK," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his
pants with his a napkin. "But tell me, is this regular or
decaf?"
"Regular," she replied.
"Oh great ... now this thing is going to be up all night!"
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French customs
An old American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At
French customs he fumbled for his passport.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the
customs officer asked sarcastically.
The old gent admitted that he had been to France once
before.
"Then, you should know enough to have your passport
ready for inspection," snapped the irate official.
The American said, "The last time I came to France I did
not have to show my passport."
"Impossible, old man. You Americans always have to
show your passports on arrival in France!"
The old American gave the Frenchman a long hard look.
Then, with the feel of acid on his words, calmly stated,
"I assure you, young man, that when I came ashore on
omaha Beach in Normandy on D-Day in 1944, there were
no fuckin' Frenchmen anywhere asking for passports."
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Little Johnny
Little Johnny was playing cricket with his mates one
day on the school oval when little Mary who was three
years older called him over.
Mary asked "Johnny do you know what a penis is?"
"Gee, I don't" said six year old Johnny "but I'll ask
dad, he'll know"
That night Johnny waited for his dad to come home from
work and after dinner he went to his dad and asked
"Daddy, what's a penis?"
His dad told him to come into the bathroom, pulled down
his pants, grabbed his old 'feller, tapped it on the
sink and said "this Johnny, this is a penis!"
Johnny thanked his dad and went to bed. the next day
Mary saw Johnny playing cricket and called him over
again and asked if he knew what a penis was yet.
Johnny took her to the boy's toilet, dropped his daks,
grabbed his todger and tapped it on a sink then stuck
it in her face. "This" he said,
"This is a cock! A penis is three inches shorter!"
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Q: What did one magnet say to the other?
A: I find you very attractive.
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Blonde
A blonde goes into the cleaners & drops off a blouse
to be dry cleaned.
As she's leaving, the man behind the counter says,
'Come again.'
The blonde stops and says, 'No, it's mustard this time.'
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
Q: Why did Dracula flunk art class?
A: Because he could only draw blood!
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Pharmacists' convention
The madam had assembled some of her best girls for
the men in town for the pharmacists' convention. "This
is Dolores," she smiled, "for $250 I can promise you an
exciting evening starting with a hot tub and this is
Connie, available for $375. She's rigged an Oriental
Swing in her room."
"Lovely Maria," she continued "can be yours for both
straight and kinky sex, including bondage. She's yours
for the night for only $300 and if you take a fancy to
tantalizing Jenny here, why she can..."
"Just a minute." interrupted one of the druggists.
"Don't you have any generic lays?"
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Date
Two of our gals, Sally and Betty, were discussing Sally's
date the evening before.
Sally exclaimed, " Betty, he was sooo erudite, clever,
and sophisticated. He speaks six languages, drives a
Lamborghini. And such a gentleman, he took me to a
Parisian restaurant and ordered the whole meal and the
wine in French. After dinner we went to his penthouse
apartment to look over his Russian book collection and
then we had some cognac sitting by the fireplace."
"Wow, Sally, he sounds absolutly fabulous! But tell me,
just how far did he get with you?"
"Well, I'd really rather not say, but I'll admit he was
definitly quite the cunning linguist!"
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Old fellow
An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's
door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who
removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients
be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery,
to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins.
The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered,
and after the third day the nurse told how he complained
bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to
keep walking him.
After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family
came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely
for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was
pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that
it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky
to get him in time.
"But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't
walked in over a year!"
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Q: Why is it hard for basketball players to be neat?
A: Because they dribble so much. |
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Talking about sex
A bunch of guys were sitting around the break room
talking about sex and women of course and in comes
Joe Schmo.
One guy says to the other guys, "Man I just don't
understand it. That guy Joe is just an average ordinary
looking guy who doesn't have a lot of money and he gets
all the women he wants with the snap of his fingers."
"What the hell does he got that I haven't got?"
And this other guy who is an old timer and has been
around awhile looks at the guy and says, "Son let me
ask you a question. When you go to the bathroom and
you get done whizzing, do you shake your penis with
your hand to get off the excess urine?"
And the other guy is kind of puzzled but he says "Well
yeah. Of course I do."
"But what does that have to do with Joe getting all the
women?"
The old timer looks him in the eye and says "Well son,
Ol' Joe over there when he gets done taking a piss, he
doesn't shake it, He Kicks It!" |
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Realizations About Aging
1) Now that I'm older....here's what I've discovered:
"I STARTED out with nothing....I still have most
of it."
2) I finally got my head together, now my body is
falling apart.
3) Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
4) If all is not lost, where is it?
5) It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
6) I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway
through.
7) It was all so different before everything changed.
8) I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few...
9) It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's
the sudden stop at the end.
10) It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been
anywhere.
11) The only time the world beats a path to your door
is if you're in the bathroom. |
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Tom in deep thoughts is very quiet. Jerry asks, "What is
wrong with you, Tom?"
"Please don't ask."
"I'm your best friend. You can talk to me."
"My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant."
"That's not possible."
"No, he did."
"How?"
"He punctured my condoms!"
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Laws of the Universe
1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have flat tire.
6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).
7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
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Looking for "Immigrant sex"
If you want to know what immigrant sex scroll down............
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Immigrant Style
An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker. 'Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.
'$100,' she replies.
In broken English he says 'Do you do Immigrant Style?'
'No' she says.
'I pay you $200 to do Immigrant Style.'
'No', she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.
'I pay you $300.'
'No', she says.
'I pay you $400.'
'No', she says.
So finally he says, 'OK, I pay $1,000 to
do Immigrant Style.' She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could
Immigrant Style be?'. So she agrees and has sex with him.
They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Immigrant Style'?'
The illegal immigrant replies 'You send bill to Goverment.' |
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Think about this: No one ever says "It's only a game"
when his team is winning.
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
Conversation about their children
Two mothers are having a conversation about their
children one day.
"How do you get your Pauly up so early on school
mornings?" asks Joan.
"Oh, that's easy," replies Pauly's mom. "I just throw
the cat on his bed."
"Why does that wake him up?"
"He sleeps with the dog."
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Q: How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
A: Even the pool table has no balls.
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Dance
A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would
you like to dance?"
The girl haughtily says, "I don't like this song, but
even if I did, I wouldn't dance with the likes of you."
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood
me, I said you look fat in those pants."
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Idiots Guide To Sex
* If she wants to do it French, Russian or Greek, it
doesn't mean you have to go to Berlitz and learn the
language.
* "Faster, Harder, Deeper" is not the motto of the
Olympics.
* A Fallopian tube is not part of a TV set.
* Membership of the Mile-High Club is void if you apply
by yourself.
* A clitoris is not something you order from a florist.
* Contrary to popular belief, Grape Nuts is not a venereal
disease.
* If it doesn't make you smile: you AIN'T DOIN' IT RIGHT!
* When she comes down wearing her most expensive body-
stocking and asks you to come to bed, don't say you
first want to check your e-mail.
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The Voodoo Penis
A business man was getting ready to go on a long business
trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an
extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her
a little something to keep her occupied while he was
gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started
looking around.
He was browsing through the dildos, looking for some-
thing special to please his wife, and started talking to
the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
The old man said, 'Well, We have vibrating dildos,
special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of any-
thing that will keep her occupied except---' and he
stopped.
'Except what?' the man asked. ?
'Nothing, nothing.'
'C'mon, tell me! I need something!'
'Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is
The Voodoo Penis.'
'So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?' he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a
very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and
erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-
looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said 'Big
damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!'
The old man replied, 'But you haven't seen what it'll do
yet.'
He pointed to a door and said, 'Voodoo Penis, the door.'
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box,darted
over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The
whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so
that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the
door split, the old man said 'Voodoo Penis, return to
box!'
The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and
lay there quiet once more.
'I'll take it!' said the businessman.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a
special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do
was say 'Voodoo Penis, my vagina .'
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably
horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis....
She undressed, opened the box and said, 'Voodoo Penis
my vagina !'
The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping.
It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever
experienced before.
After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very
exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to
pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting.
She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it
off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if
they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the
car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust
of the dildo.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made
her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her
over. He asked for her license, and then asked how
much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, 'I haven't had
anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this
Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my vagina and it won't
stop screwing me!'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his
head and in an arrogant voice replied,
'Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass.'
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Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat IT - we're closed.
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If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek.
Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
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Oral activity
The bar was getting ready to close, so John asked the
nearest woman, "What would you say to a little "oral"
activity?"
"That all depends," she quickly responded. "Your face,
or mine?"
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Q: What happens when you illegally park a frog?
A: It gets toad away
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Oysters
Mr. Paul Davis looked over at his wife and said, "Ever
since I ate those oysters at the Legion Hall last night,
my stomach's been giving me fits!"
"Were they fresh oysters?" asked Mrs. Davis.
"How would I know?" asked her husband.
"Did they smell unusual when you took them out of the
shell?" asked the wife.
"OHHH... You mean I was supposed to take them out of
the shell?" cracked Mr. Paul.
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Aussie housewife
Sheila the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and
slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping
over forwards or backwards, she somehow slipped sideways
and did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Bruce.
"Bruce! Bruce!" she yelled. Bruce came running in.
"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she
said.
"Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're
stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba."
(his mate)
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"Let's try Plan B." said Cobba.
"Plan B?!" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that?"
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll
break the tiles under her," replied Cobba.
"Spot on." Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll
stay here and play with her tits."
"Play with her tits?" Cobba said, "Not exactly a good
time for that mate."
"No," Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet
enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles
aren't so expensive."
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Redneck Special Forces
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new
500-Man elite fighting unit called the U. S. REDNECK
SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF).
These North Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi,
Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee
boys will be dropped into Iraq and will have been given
only the following facts about the terrorists:
1. The season opened today
2. There is no limit
3. They taste just like chicken
4. They don't like beer, pickups, or country music.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale
Earnhart. This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK.
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Joke # 8
Q: What language do birds speak?
A: Pigeon English.
======================================
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have
two hands?
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Sailor on leave
A sailor on leave was paying his bill at a fashionable
hotel. Looking at the girl cashier who was taking his
money, he asked what she had around her neck.
"A necklace of course. Why did you ask?"
"Well," said the sailor, "everything is so high around
here I thought it might be your garter."
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Q: Why did the student wear glasses in math class?
A: Because it helps to improve division.
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Confessional
A guy goes inside the confessional and says: "Bless me,
Father, for I have sinned."
"What did you do, my son?"
"Yesterday I was walking along the beach at night, and
I decided to explore a cave near the shore. When I
turned on my flashlight, I saw two men having sex."
"Oh, so you were the asshole with the flashlight?
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Viagra
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and
asked the pharmacist for the little blue Viagra pill.
The pharmacist asked' How many?'
The man replied. "Just a few, maybe a half dozen."
"I cut each one in four pieces."
The pharmacist said. "That's too small of a dose.'
That won't get you through intimacy."
The old fellow said.
"Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think
about intimacy much anymore."
I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee
on my new golf shoes.
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Mexican bungee-jumping
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says
to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money
running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two
pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a
tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.
As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to
assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch
them at work.
The first guy jumps to test the equipment. He bounces
at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up,
the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and
scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able
catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up
again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the
second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and
bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty
messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is
almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time
and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what
the heck is a 'pinata'?"
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Q: Did you hear about the dog that barked only at ministers?
A: He was a cross-breed.
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My account was suspended for posting jokes.
Well too bad............... the Idiots are not going to make me stop from post jokes to those that welcome them.
Those that want the jokes, send me a message. |
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A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."
The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."
Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash.
Dad asked, "Where is Susie?"
The little girl said, "She will be here in a minute, she ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home."
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Red Flags and Dating Tips for Kinky People
"Red flag" is a term to describe a personal trait or behavior that is common in people who are harmful to their partners. When getting to know someone online it is very important that you look for these flags. When you see these red flags slow down or stop the relationship. Understand that none of these red flags alone are definitely a sign of a bad person. They only tend to be an indicator of a problem situation. The more you see these red flags, the more you are at risk. Many of these red flags can apply to both unhealthy Doms and subs. These recommendations are to help you avoid getting into an abusive relationship. If you think you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship please contact SOMEBODY!
Red Flags:
1) Tries to separate you from your friends, family or BDSM community?
2) Avoids talking about personal details.
Gets mad when you ask or quickly ends the conversation or answers questions with questions.
3)Has no BDSM references or friends you can talk to.
4)Gets angry when you ask for references or ask around about them.
5)Is inconsistent with details about themselves.
6)Does not give you their home and work phone number at the appropriate time.
7)Only communicates with you at strange hours and gets mad if you try to contact them at other times.
8)Criticizes the BDSM community and refuses to participate, especially if they never were part of it.
9)Consistently breaks promises.
10)Always finds excuses for not meeting.
11)Always puts blame on others for things going wrong.
12)Does not take personal responsibility.
13)Has bad relationships with most or all of their family members.
14)Pressures you into doing things you do not want to do.
15)Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts.
16)Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast.
17)Falls in love with you way too fast and swears undying love before even meeting you.
18)Hides behind their D/s authority and says that their authority should not be questioned.
19)Tries to make you feel guilty for not being good enough. Says that you are not a "True" sub.
20)Loses control of their emotions in arguments and regresses to yelling, name-calling and blame.
21)Puts you down in front of other people.
22)Turns instantly on their friends, going from best friend to arch enemy at the drop of a hat.
23)Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.
24)Goes to great lengths to get revenge on people.
25)Lies or withholds information.
Cheats on you or is overly jealous.
26)Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like.
27)Tries to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship.
28)Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions.
29)Belittles your ideas.
30)Blames you for your hurt feelings.
31)Abuses alcohol or other drugs.
32)Is constantly asking for large amounts of money from you or others.
33)Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm.
34)Deliberately saying or doing things that result in getting themselves seriously hurt.
35)Monitors your communications (emails, phone calls, chats) with others.
36)Only interacts with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role-playing.
37)Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations.
38)Never shows you their human side. Is emotionless. Hides their vulnerability behind their D/s role.
39)Has multiple online identities for interacting with the same communities.
40)Disappears from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.
41)Is rude to public servants such as waitresses, cashiers and janitors.
42)Never says thank you, excuse me or I am sorry to anyone.
Safe Dating and Correspondence Tips
Before meeting:
Do not give out personal information to strangers. This includes your name, phone number, address, place of work or email addresses you use for other purposes.
Get a P.O. Box if you need to get mail from them. (Be aware that in the UK, it is possible to ask the Royal Mail for the details of the holder of the P.O. Box)
Do not send money to your online interest. There are online users that earn a living by faking love and pretending to run into hard times. When you do make telephone calls, make sure your phone blocks caller ID or call from a public phone. Do not call collect.
Your number will appear on their bill.
Exchange multiple recent nonsexual photographs to avoid embarrassment and hurt feelings.
Get a background check before meeting. There are several services that will do this through the Internet.
Make it clear you are not going to engage in any BDSM activity on the initial dates.
During the meeting:
Meet in public places, preferably with a friend. Do not let your date pressure you into going somewhere else even if the date is going fine.
Try to make your first date a daytime event.
Drive yourself to and from the meeting place. Relying on them for transportation can put you in an unsafe position.
Establish a safety net complete with safe calls and details on your date.
Tell your safety net your date's information, where you went and what to do in case you do not make your safe calls. Make sure your date knows you have a safety net set up. It is a great deterrent.
Bring along a cell phone on your date and do not become separated from it.
Do not drink alcohol on your date or leave your drink unattended.
Never engage in bondage during your initial BDSM sessions.
Do not leave your wallet or purse unattended. Your date may dig through them to find out information you do not want them to know.
If you are traveling to the meeting, do not let them meet you at the airport or bus station. Use cabs or rental cars for going to and from the public meeting place. Do not stay with them or let them make arrangements for you. Do not let them know where you are staying.
Be aware that safe words, safe calls, contracts, negotiations or gut instincts will NOT fully protect you from a real criminal. Take your time and be sure what you are getting into. Criminals have less patience for difficult targets .
~~~Disclaimer... I did not write this... this came from the net. If you would like to add this to your profile or journal, please feel free to do so. It feels strange and out of place to have to grant permission to Masters and Doms through email, therefore I freely give that now. This list is for othersout there so that they may be better eduacated and prepared. There are a lot of wonderful people out there, but there are also a lot of unsavory ones as well both male and female. Be safe out there everyone.~~~
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Fast Service
A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.
"I want to get screwed," said the man.
"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.
The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed. Minutes passed and nothing happened.
He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.
"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"
"What?" said the voice, "Again?"
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There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of
fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.
And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass.
Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.
"Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?"
Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can."
Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"
"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained.
"And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.
"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.
''It's a very `old' bottle now, you know," urged Pat.
"And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.
"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?" |
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A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for Roshashanna.
The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is that the holiday when you light the 8 candles?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Hanukkah."
The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, "Is that the holiday when you eat the unleavened bread?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Passover.
Roshashanna is the holiday when we blow the shofar."
"See," the Catholic Girl replies. "That's what I like about you Jews...you're so good to your help." |
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I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
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Foxholes
During the Persian Gulf War, the Marine Corps unit had to dig foxholes every time they changed positions. Once, when a private was making his trench, he complained to the sergeant, "Why do we have to do this stupid digging?"
Then there was a loud exlosion a hundred feet away.
"What was that?" asked the private.
"That," replied the sergeant, "is called incentive."
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Q: How does James Bond like his pussy?
A: Shaven, not furred.
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Ask a question
An elderly couple, Minnie and Max, sit down to their dinner. Before eating, his wife speaks up. "Can I ask you a question, Max?"
"Sure Minnie," Max says, waiting to dig into his meal.
"Has our 50 years of marriage made you grateful?"
"Yes, indeed!" Max replied. "For the twenty years I was a bachelor!"
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Small ranch
A man owned a small ranch in New Mexico. The New Mexico Wage & Hour Dept claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well" replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has
been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half wit who works here about 18 hours every day
and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes $10 per week, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."
"That's the guy I want to talk to - the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the rancher
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Pick up lines
1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in
your hole?
2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.
3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be
you by morning!
4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.
6. You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see
where it came from.
7. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold
it in.
8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti.
Let's go fuck.
9. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!
10. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?
11. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!
12. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.
13. Could I touch your belly button...from the inside?
14. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?
15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.
16. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't
dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"
17. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
19. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
20. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
21. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?
22. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room.
23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.
24. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
25. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
26. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
27. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
28. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
29. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
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Q: Why is the '69' position also called the smokers
position?
A: Because while she is smoking the cigar, he is cleaning the ashtray.
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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing Love stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, Guess who?
But why? asks the man.
I'm a divorce lawyer, the man replies. |
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a smile is good for the soul so here goes .....................
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were
Catholic.
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Blonde in Hot Tub
This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub
when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that
if you pull you finger out, I'll sink?"
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Q: Why do birds fly South for the winter?
A: Because it's too far to walk!
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Over Weigh Passenger
A good-sized man approached the ticket counter at United
Airlines and asked for a reservation from Los Angeles to
New York. The clerk knew that the plane was very full
with baggage and passengers.
"How much do you weigh, Sir?" asked the clerk.
"With or without clothes?" the passenger asked.
"Well, said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"
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Primitive Tribe
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a
primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching
them reading, writing, math, and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a
white child. The members of the tribe are shocked, and
the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look
here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and
this woman gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take
a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "Chief, you're mistaken. What
you have here is a natural occurrence... what we in the
civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over
there. All of the sheep are white except for one black
one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you
what. You don't say anything more about the sheep and
I won't say anything more about the baby".
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Young woman
A young woman in New York was so depressed that she
decided to end her life by throwing herself into the
East River. She went down to the docks and was about to
leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor
saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He
took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to
live for. I'm off to Hawaii in the morning, and if you
like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good
care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder
and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me
happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to
lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her
life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her
in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sand-
wiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate
love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was
discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here?"
the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she
explained. "I get food and a trip to Hawaii, and he's
screwing me."
"He certainly is," the Captain said. "This is the
Staten Island Ferry."
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Q: What is common between a wife and a swimming pool?
A: The cost of maintenance is too high compared to the
time you spend inside them!
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| Age: 28 |
| Rockville,
Maryland |
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