MasochisticLili

God, I am just so frustrated and confused. Hurt. I don't know how to view things unless I write them down. Writing things down seems to help me assimilate what goes on around me.

I keep hoping, from one week to the next, that this nightmare will end. Things go silent for a while and then he starts it up again. He challenges the no contact order by contacting the people closest to me. He is malicious and cruel. I've tried to see a different point of view. Something to make sense of all his hate and malice. And I can't grasp his concepts. He makes false accusations. And threats. And here I am...just trying to live, go on, make my own way less him.

I'm so frustrated. And so confused how someone can hold so much hate for someone. I didn't make this fucking mess. I didn't create this situation. I did what I had to do to make myself and my child feel safe. My daughter is still trying overcome her fears left from what she witnessed. Daily I deal with her emotional baggage. I have yet to even acknowledge my own. And yet, I know he will continue to say I am the cause of it all. I ruined his life by calling the police. How dare I! How dare I stand by someone who CONSTANTLY hide his 'affairs' from me, his online dating, his drunken frat boy behavior one shouldn't expect from a man nearing mid life. How dare I continue to love this person despite being shown I was last in his life. How dare I! I tried until the very fucking end to make it work. And still, it's my fault.

Yep, I took a bed, and the couches. God forbid! And apparently I am the bad guy. Yet he drives around in the car that was suppose to be MINE. He still has his money, his fucking xbox, his piece of shit mustang that sits silent in wherever he has it now. Hell, I figured if I take the bed and couches he still makes out better in the end. Shit, I share that fucking bed with his daughter, which by the way, he has yet to pay me a dime for to support. Let me tell you, kids are not cheap and her Christmas is going to be meager. Sad, but true. You think you know someone, and believe them when they say they are going to take care of their child above all else. And in the end it's entirely yours to figure out. I know one thing, that girl is going to be taken care of. I start college this winter. And she is my driving force in doing this. I will succeed for her.

It kills me to hear the things he is saying, the accusations, the threats. I guess I had just hoped this person would have a shred of humanity, an ounce of care in their heart...guess I was wrong. I maintain my hope they seek and get the help they need. I know there is good down deep, they just need help. I hope they become accountable for their actions instead of playing the childish blame game. "I wouldn't drink all every weekend if you would go out with me more" Meanwhile I continue to sit at home with the child because I am left with no other option. "I wouldn't try and hook up over the net with these random girls if you would fuck me more." Meanwhile I am scared of the possible stds and dishonesty. "I wouldn't have thrown the phone if you would just have left me alone." Meanwhile I was his wife and he was leaving me for a woman clear across the country with 3 FUCKING KIDS. Yea. Accountability...burying demons, growing up, healing one's self, getting help! It's my wish he will, sooner than later.

In the meantime I guess I will simply continue to check my local laws and determine what I can do to protect my daughter and myself.

I would be happy if I never laid my eyes on you again in this lifetime. I would be peaceful if you never invaded my thoughts again.

You see, I have grown stronger now that I have finally broken free of you. You kept me down. You wore me out. You made me into some sick, weak, emotionally exhausted person. Those who have known me for ages didn't recognize the person you turned me into. And you did it all so settle, I didn't notice until it was much too late. I told myself I gave up things, stood by you during your poor decisions, didn't leave because it was my duty. I loved you.

But now? I've broken free from the toxic haze you left me in. I see clearly now. I see how you shut me off from the world. I see how you gave me no option but to be alone in my own home. I see how you never once put me first in anything, I was always last. I see how you only cared about yourself, and never bothered to consider what your actions might do to me. I see how you are a boy in a man's body.

You promised me forever, and all I got was talk. You made me believe I couldn't survive without you. Made me scared to venture out for myself and do things on my own. But guess what? I am so much happier as a person without you. I don't have to worry about you wrapping your car around a pole because you were driving drunk again...I don't care if you do or don't. I don't always wonder who it is you're really talking to, or if you're lying when you say 'she has a boyfriend'. I could care less who you talk to, you're the one who has to look at themself in the mirror. I no longer have to tell you to stop terrorizing your own child. She is scared still to be alone in a room because of you, but she is getting better each day you are gone. She is surrounded by love, stability, and calm. She never had any of that when you were around, now she is a far more happier little girl.

You could never offer me all I wanted. I didn't care about money, big kid toys, the nicest house. I wanted someone strong enough to be in control of themselves and able to provide me the dominance I needed as well. You are far too weak, weaker than me even. You lack self control, common sense, and compassion. It's tragic even, but I no longer have to worry about it..or you. I am happier not knowing you. I am at peace not spending my entire night desperate to know you are safe. Only to have you tell me the next day I am acting like your mother.

I have moved on. I am healing, I am growing stronger mentally each second. Never again will you have the hold over me you did. You are lesser compared to me. The only thing I am thankful for in all of it is the child we had together. If I hadn't been with you I never would have had the honor of raising that beautiful girl.

And now, writing this, I am realizing a door is closing in my life. A life I wanted but was never realized. I refused to put my desires, dreams, wants, and needs on the back burner. Good luck with your little girl of a woman and her three kids. It's heartbreaking when someone gives up their own child for someone elses. Have fun looking in the mirror with that thought. As for the the daughter you left for pussy and me? We are so much better off than you could ever be.

crit?i?cal mass

noun Definition:

1. point of change: a point or situation at which change occurs Support for the measure has reached critical mass.

2. necessary size or amount: the size or amount of something that is required before an activity or event can take place

The last two days of my life have had a profound effect on not only me, but those around me, and most of all my child. I have essentially discovered a new strength in me in time when most would fall to their knees and accept defeat. My pride is absent, my self esteem is bruised, my life is transitioning into the unknown. The person who I thought I knew has shown me I knew nothing. After years of trials and tribulations, giving up my heart and my unconditional love I have received the most stellar slap in the face. I supported this person, and stood by the vows I made to him. He went through hard things, things you wish to never see someone you love had to go through, and I still supported him. While I disagreed with what he would do I was still there, constant and steadfast, there. We went through bumps and scraps, and I sat for years thinking it would fix itself. If I just kept showing him love, show that I would remain despite it all... I just thought love could save it all. I was so horribly mistaking. I've now learned that even when love is giving selflessly it is not always enough. When someone is hurting so bad, when they need help more than your love can ever give them, your love cannot fix them. You can stand like a pillar and just be there but if they allow those demons to conquer them then you will in turn be taken over too. Last night I stared into the face of someone in so much pain they had lost them self. The person I knew and loved was buried deep beyond, so deep that nothing I said or did would pull them. This new person is cold, devious, manipulating, hateful, selfish, and destroyed. He was no longer the person I never in a million years thought would physically hurt me. As my body stung from the physical pain he brought to me I still thought, if I could just touch him, and beg him not to do this in front of his child he would snap back into reality. Instead he remained lost, stuck in whatever false reality, caught in some rift of broken and hurt. And as I ran, scared it would continue, I still ached for him, questioning how bad he must be broken to do such an act. Today, I watched him walk, shackled at the ankles and face the judge. My heart was screaming to say drop it all, even knowing I had no control, this was out of my hands. And my mind chastised me, it was ok to love him as a human, but he needed to face his demons and get the help he needed. It was not ok for him to do this, for his innocent child to witness such a thing. I sat there, with his best friend's arm around, silently sobbing, wishing in my heart that it was opening his eyes, he would realize this was not how a real man acted, and if it was his daughter he would want nothing less than for that man to face the music. He was released, with the promise to return to determine what direction his life will take. And on the release he remained lost. The money, the only money left he took. I needed it, to feed his child since I felt unsafe staying in the house we had shared. The car, the only transportation I had to take her to and from school, to find a job to support her, he took. Said he would report it lost, possibly placing the only parent who was trying desperately to protect her welfare, to jail. Out of sheer spite and anger. It hurt, more than the bruise left on my body. The thing that breaks my heart the most? Is knowing that his actions, his pain, his hurt...is hurting her the most.