CREEPY DOM
Written by--Gaystapo--
Thought I would share as this is very important.
I have
always been fascinated by the psychology of BDSM and how it
interrelates with everyday "normal" circumstances we find ourselves
in... and that is addressed in this post...
Also... I feel becoming a master of psychology is a matter of
self-defense, in our world, where predators use it as a weapon to claim
victims (both in and out of BDSM circles).
Gaystapo introduces the post with this: "This is a post I have put
up in a couple of other places, including Jay Wiseman's group and my
own profile. It's gotten a good response so far and I thought it would
be appropriate here."
A Field Guide To "Creepy Dom"
- Introduction
This is a public service announcement for the BDSM and kink
community. It is especially directed at anyone relatively new, and
extra especially at anyone who ever bottoms. For the benefit of
everyone?s mental health and safety, I would like to discuss the
widespread phenomenon known as Creepy Dom.
Creepy Dom has many faces. He is almost always male, although I have
encountered his rarer cousin, Creepy Domme, from time to time.
Sometimes he seems only mildly annoying, at other times outright
dangerous, but in general, he just gets scarier as you spend more time
around him.
You all know this guy, or have at least heard of him. He?s the one
who got banned from the local S&M club. He?s the asshole who just
sent you a rude ?Submit to me now? message on Bondage.com? even though
you?re listed as a femdom. He?s the guy who seriously abused your
friend under the guise of ?D/s.? He might've even made the national
news, but more likely, his victims have never reported him to the
police.
Who am I to speak of Creepy Dom? Not an expert, by any means. I
have, however, extensively observed this creature in all of its natural
habitats, from internet message boards, to the dark corners of the
local dungeon, to sleazy hotel rooms. My encounters with Creepy Dom
have been many and varied, and started long before I was legally of age
to enter the real life BDSM scene.
I found him first on the interwebs, preying on fourteen year old
nymphets. Though I was young at the time (sixteen) I had a sense of
responsibility for my community that not all of my fellow underaged
kinksters shared, and I was concerned by what I saw going on. In an
attempt to counteract the onslaught of Creepy Doms that plagued us
wherever we attempted to gather in solidarity, I founded YouthKink, a
small online forum that eventually drew about thirty members,
specifically for those of us who were desperately kinky and too young
to do anything about it. There, I and my co-moderators tried to
disseminate information gleaned mostly from SM 101 and a few good
websites.
The teens who frequented YouthKink were generally responsible sorts,
determined not to do anything unsafe or illegal. But once in a while,
we encountered this girl:
?my master says if ur a real slave u cant have ne limits!1111!!?
The poor thing was usually in an online or IRL relationship with a
man old enough to be her father. This individual was her sole source of
information on BDSM, and he fed her nothing but lies. My co-moderator
and I would do our best to set her straight, sometimes with modest
success. But all too often, the damage had been done.
When I entered the IRL BDSM scene on my 18th birthday, I was
absurdly confident that my battles with Creepy Dom were over. The scene
filters out all the bad guys, right? Everyone knows everyone, and so
everyone knows if you're an asshole. I was so wrong. In fact, I fell
into the hands of not one, not two, but three creepy doms that very
first week. Two of them manifested their creep-ness immediately, one of
them by asking that I immediately move to LA and become his live-in
slave (!). One of them, however, hid his true nature from me for a long
time. I foolishly trusted him, and was foolishly devoted to him. He
eventually ending up abusing and raping me. All that my "true
submission" got me was a disease, a broken heart, and a slew of
psychological issues that remain, as of this date, largely unresolved.
A cautionary tale.
After this, I became a bit of a connoisseur of Creepy Doms. In a
time when I craved and needed sexual pain, but scorned true human
contact, it occurred to me that the best people to prey on are the
predators. If you're looking for trouble, Creepy Dom will always meet
you halfway. One thing I discovered is that Creeps rarely pull anything
really horrible on a first date, and better yet, you don't have to feel
guilty that there won't be a second one. I learned how to spot 'em-- or
rather, I learned that they would spot me. It was sort of a symbiotic
relationship-- I got my needs met by allowing myself to be preyed upon
in small doses.
I'm past that phase now, thank God. For several months, I lived
virtually Creepy Dom Free, aside from the occasional, inevitable
internet idiot. But just last night, alas, I had occasion to remember
Creepy Dom, when we were approached by a prime specimen of the breed at
Bondage A Go Go.
This... gentleman... began by intruding upon a scene in progress. He
proceeded to speak only to Dylan and Clint, completely slighting me. He
said he could get them into a private party at Mr. S. He asked us where
we usually hang out, and when Clint said "The Citadel" he reacted with
suppressed scorn. Before any of us fully knew what was happening, he
had grabbed Dylan (who was already subspaced out) and forced him onto
his knees, without so much as a 'by your leave.' "You can always tell
if someone's submissive by doing this," he said, digging his finger
into a pressure point on Dylan's wrist. He pointed out the involuntary
twitch of one of Dylan's fingers, then reached for my arm to do the
same to me.
"I didn't give you permission to touch me," I hissed.
He laughed, and said something to the effect that "she," on the other hand, was not submissive.
"My name is Asher, I am not she, I'm a transman, and not letting you
touch me has nothing to do with whether I'm submissive," I informed him.
Finding no fertile ground in me, he focused his attention on Dylan.
Clint sat by, not quite sure whether to interfere, but not willing,
either, to leave Dylan alone with this person. To me, at the time, it
looked like the two of them were both eating up all of this guy's
bullshit. I left in disgust to get some air, still shaking with
endorphins from my rudely interrupted scene.
When I returned, Jackass was done with Dylan, who was sitting around
looking spaced out and lost, but not in his usual happy way. Jackass
was promising extravagant Mr. S goodies to everyone, and trying to get
contact info. Before he left, he apologized, condescendingly, for
touching me without permission. I pointed out that he had also walked
into the middle of our scene. He smirked, and repeated, "I apologize
for touching you without permission."
The incident was full of red flags from start to finish. The guy was
absolutely a text book case. He exhibited many traits which, come to
think of it, I have seen in one form or another in all of my encounters
with Creepy Dom. I am inspired to make a list of these traits, as sort
of a field guide, using examples from my own experience. Here are some
of the things to look out for.
- The Anatomy Of Creepy Dom
A. He comes on too strong, too fast
Creepy Dom is not just looking for something for one night. He is an
abuser, and he needs someone to control over a long period of time. He
will therefore come on very strong and friendly right off the bat, try
to obtain contact info, and attempt to establish a more-than-casual
relationship quite quickly.
Take the man from BaGG last night, who I'll call "Dave." He tried to
instill a sense of gratitude or even indebtedness towards him with his
"private party invitation" and offers of "Mr. S gift cards." Buying
loyalty is a common Creepy Dom tactic.
Another guy, who I'll refer to as "Mitch," tried to turn a one night
stand into a Dom/sub relationship by proclaiming that "he just knew
this was the start of something really special." A Creepy Domme,
"Liza," was talking about "our relationship" on the third date. Then
there's the "Jake" from L.A. that I mentioned earlier, who tried to get
me to move away from family, friends, home and school after barely
knowing me for a week.
Creepy Dom wants quick commitment. In order to get it from you, he
will try to convince you that you're really special, and you should
feel privileged to have his attention. But if you've got a Creepy Dom
pressing you for monogamy and/or submission, ask yourself why, if he's
everything he says he is, he doesn't have someone on their knees before
him already?
Creepy Dom is almost always alone. And there's a very good reason for that.
B. He's Consensuality Challenged
The laying on of hands without permission is a classic sign of a
Creepy Dom. Almost every single Creepy Dom that I have encountered has
done this. This is just one way in which one of his essential traits
manifests: For all he may talk about being SSC (Safe, Sane and
Consensual), he doesn't care shit about it.
Creepy Dom may not negotiate, or not negotiate enough. He may even
voice scorn for the practice of negotiation. He will do things without
asking, or only ask after the fact. "Liza" demanded that I call her
'mommy' without first asking if it was all right. "Molly" asked that I
address her as 'big sister,' similarly without preamble. Luckily for
all concerned, I am not an incest survivor.
If you pursue a relationship with Creepy Dom, the consensuality
issues will not go away. They will, in fact, continue, and increase
exponentially in severity. A case in point is the man who repeatedly
tricked or forced me into having unprotected sex, and later, slipped me
a date rape drug.
C. He "Has Connections" and is "Experienced"
Creepy Dom is, in his mind, Uberdom. Regardless of his level of
experience or involvement with the community, he will tell you that he
is a highly skilled dominant and has lots of well-connected friends.
"Name dropping" is common-- he'll make sure you know about all the
organizations he's involved with, and all the well-known players who
are supposedly his buddies. He usually doesn't know any of them quite
as well as he wants you to believe.
I once inadvertently assisted a Creepy Dom in the middle of an
attempted name drop. He was trying to say something about a "well known
rope top-- Jay Whatshisname."
"Jay Wiseman?" I asked. "Wrote SM 1O1?"
"He wrote SM 101?" Creepy Dom gawked.
Later that evening, he mentioned, to a new acquaintance, his friendship with "Jay Wiseman, author of SM 101."
Oy.
Rule of thumb: If you need to say you're a master, you probably
aren't a master. Be wary of any top who brags excessively about his
"experience" and "scene cred."
D. He "Essentializes" Dominance And Submission
Creepy Dom has a theory. He thinks dominance and submission are
innate personality traits that manifest, not only in a scene, but in
all walks of life. Dominance is a tao, to him. He may talk about "true
dominance" or "true masters," "true submission" and "true slaves." He
thinks he can spot people who are "naturally" submissive because of
superficial traits. Shyness is a popular sign of "true" submission. So
is indecisiveness. For another example, see 'Dave's' pressure point
test.
Some Creepy Doms have a strong New Age twist, and these tend to have
the most amusing and infuriating theories of D/s of all. One guy,
'Mitch,' simply characterized dominance and submission as "masculine"
and "feminine," which is a rather Gorean way of looking at it. Another,
one of the more unpleasant internet Creepy Doms I've encountered,
assumed right off the bat that because I was "submissive" I must have
been "abused in childhood." (When I rejected him, he immediately wished
me post traumatic flashbacks.)
Now, some truly decent people hold similar ideas about the
innateness of dominance and submission, so this can get tricky. Don't
use this sign alone to spot a Creepy Dom. But most Creepy Doms will
hold forth extensively on this topic, because it ties into my next
point--
E. He Manipulates Your Desire To Be A Good Bottom
A Creepy Dom will try to draw you in with praise, saying he knew from the instant he saw you that you were a "true submissive."
For example, 'Dave' flattered Dylan when he proclaimed the results
of his little 'pressure point' test. Dylan was clearly submissive, and
even his unconscious reflexes said so. This was a big pat on the back.
On the other hand, the moment I rejected 'Dave,' I was proclaimed to
be "not submissive." Obviously anyone who has the ability to draw
boundaries does not have the "natural gift of submission."
This is the main method of Creepy Dom. Obeying him is rewarded with
praise, and especially with the affirmation that you are a "true
submissive," a "real slave." On the other hand, limit setting is
labeled "topping from the bottom" and leads him instantly to the
conclusion that you are not, in fact, truly submissive.
Case in point: "Lily" was a Creepy Domme who found one of my friends
on Craigslist. She took him to the now-closed Power Exchange, tied him
to a chair, and left him there for an hour. While she was gone, another
couple sat down close by and starting going at it. My friend was unable
to move away, with the result that he got a stranger's body fluids all
over him. When Lily came back, he was on the verge of a breakdown. The
next day, when he tried to tell her that what she did wasn't OK, he was
reprimanded and told not to "top from the bottom."
The man who really hurt me badly talked about innate dominance and
submission a lot. He convinced me, for a while, that because I was
"naturally submissive" I "needed" a dominant to "mentor" me through
life-- and of course, he was just the man.
A related point-- Creepy Doms generally know how to induce subspace
quickly, and also know how to take advantage of it. Dylan was unable to
refuse 'Dave' last night because he had literally been put into an
altered state. "It was a weird subspace," he said later. "It didn't
feel as happy as it [subspace] usually does."
Hearing him say that brought back not-so-fond memories of how a
"really deep subspace" can be turned almost seamlessly into Stockholm
syndrome.
F. He's Usually Doing Something Wrong
Of course, the most important sign of a Creepy Dom is that he's
actually saying or doing something fucked up. He usually shows his true
colors pretty quickly, but he often does so in small, excusable ways.
Make no mistake-- these guys are often pretty charming, and seem so
confident in their "experience" and "scene cred" that it can be hard to
call it like you see it, even when what he's doing is really wrong.
Try to step back and ask yourself if what he's doing is really OK.
Did he intrude on a scene in progress? Has he touched someone without
permission? Is he breaking the club rules, or the rules of common
courtesy? Does he use his toys clumsily or unsafely? Does he neglect
barrier protection?
Most of the Creepy Doms I have encountered were, in fact, almost
constantly guilty of discourtesy, stupidity and deceit. One guy pulled
me aside to suck his cock in a corner at a party where sex was
prohibited. Another man bragged about fucking a woman so roughly that
the friction of the carpet tore bleeding wounds in her back. Another
guy talked to me at length about his scorn for predatory dominants who
pounce on the newbies the minute they come through the door, despite
the fact that it was the night of my 18th birthday and he was about to
ask me to play.
Usually there are obvious red flags present from the beginning. But
we let them slide. We give these men and women the benefit of the
doubt. We believe in their supposed "scene credentials" and take them
at their word when they say they always play SSC.
Why?
- Conclusion
What is so intoxicating, and also so dangerous, about Creepy Dom, is
that he does not distinguish between the scene and reality. This is why
he thinks that dominant people are dominant all the time, and
submissive people are doormats. This is why he doesn't negotiate or ask
permission. This is why he has no regard for rules.
To him, it is not a game. He is not looking for a safe, sane and
consensual relationship, with limits, safewords, and boundaries. He is
a real control freak who wants to hurt you.
It can be really hot, at first, because let's face it-- none of us
fantasize about negotiations and limits. We fantasize about some big
rough brute coming up to us in the corner of a dark club and demanding
exactly what he wants. And that's pretty much what this guy does. He
makes it all real, and that is the source of his charm. That is also
why he will destroy you.
Around him, there's no "off" time. Even when you aren't technically
in a scene, he takes control of the situation. Although he may not say
he's interested in 24/7, what he wants is complete power over you.
When all's said and done, Creepy Dom is just a classic abuser
dressed up in leather. And that, my friends, is a lot less sexy than it
sounds.
