luv4pashn

I am finding that "love" makes it very difficult for me to hurt him.    I don't have any problem pushing the edge w/people I barely know, but because I care deeply, and understand how difficult it is to backpedal, I hold back w/the one person with whom I really want a D/s relationship.  I hold back although I KNOW that if I push him, it will deepen our connection, and that he NEEDS pain.  There are many levels to relationship and the various ways that a person's emotional tank are filled, and i KNOW his needs sadism to be fulfilled, but I'm a whimp w/him.  How do I overcome this?  It could be my insecurities about my skills, although I don't feel insecure w/boy toys I push. 

I have evil fantasies. I never fantasized about scenes as a sub, but find myself in constant fantasy as a Top.  I have this person w/whom I could act out my fantasies, and I find myself shy about it.  I'M NEVER SHY!!! 

I believe I've got to wrap my head about his "needs" and approach it from that perspective. I have to let this long latent Sadist OUT.

Actions speak loudly.  I keep seeing the actions that are done for me, to make me happy.  I appreciate these actions, and the willingness of him to please me.  Every time I start to get insecure, he does some action that shows me I don't need to worry.  I hope it's an indication that I"m doing something right for him.  he seems very happy.  I trust him.  Fully trust him, i need to release my insecurities..  

I'm nervous about posting this, because so many ppl in the community know who I'm playing with and I don't necessarily want my laundry hung out to dry.  I need a venue to speak though, and I think this is the safest.

My profile is in flux.  I haven't enjoyed submission for a couple of years, and am working my way toward Dominance, but it takes time to learn skills for Sadism.  I come w/some knowledge because I started on Top and from the bottom one learns a LOT after more than 10 years experience.   Still, SO MUCH TO LEARN!

Most of my real time friends are into BDSM and I've found myself in "something" w/someone I've known a very long time.  The intimacy we've come to, is unlike anything I've ever experienced.  I play w/him, not as much as he would like, but he seems happy.  The one thing for me is that I LOVE traditional sex and it's not his thing.  We're about to explore my "use" of him sexually and I'm not sure how that will be for me.  Traditional sex is another aspect of intimacy for me that is very meaningful.  Any "intercourse" he and I experience will be part of a scene, and me taking what I want.  I have to decide how I feel about that.  I will know better once I've tried it.  Kissing, making out..that is gone.  Although I can get into forced pussy worship, not sure how always having to force it will be for me.  I may have to establish protocol that when he's not blindfolded, his eyes, are always to be on my pussy.  

I'm still trying to decide what I want, and work out the details.  I only know that tonight, he's cooking dinner, and after we eat, I expect him to get naked, put on cuffs, bring me a martini (and himself) sit at my feet while we discuss this. My mentors tell me I should just DO it, take it.  But as a sub, I loved being informed about what was coming.  It excited me, was a bit of foreplay, but then I LOVE the intercourse part.

I do better w/people who don't have a lot of experience.  It's fun helping someone explore these new things, and hear them share emotional aspects.  With my boy, we're already so emotionally intertwined,  I'm afraid that his answers will make me love him even more, which makes it harder to hurt him, even though I know he loves submitting to pain.  I know this isn't unusual.  I won't let it stop me.

submission came w/it's own learning curve, but with it the importance of understanding that HARM can be done.  This idea holds me back.  The fear of doing harm, the struggle of bumbling, of have a little bit of knowledge, but total lack of skill.  I just hate being new and clumsy at something.

North West Leather Conference

I'm going and I'm excited!  The classes look amazing and lord knows I need the education!  I love conferences, didn't expect to find myself at a kink conference...can I get CEUs?  LOL

I've been experiencing a level of intimacy lately that I've never known before. I am amazed by the ease of connection.  Conversation never tapers off, and never seems to be stressed or uneasy, but continuously flowing into the next topic w/never a dull moment.  Of course, there is the fact that the man I'm intimate with has a knowledge base beyond most average and  higher than average people.  There isn't a subject which he doesn't know something. I've known him most of my life, and have always liked and respected him.  I love that he's straight forward and appreciates a good argument w/out having to change a person's mind, or force someone to take his perspective.  Cooking together while sipping martinis and talking politics, work, or literature is a great start to an evening.   I love curling up w/him and having our feet snuggle, chasing him across the bed and clicking when he snores, or having conversations in the middle of the night when one of us has to get up and use the restroom. It's just easy, simple connection.  it's the most interesting, FULFILLING relationship I've ever had, it is friendship w/a man.

It was nice to get an email that wasn't asking me to Domme him on line, or offering to Dom me on line...After writing my response though, realized it was actually a good journal piece. Marking a place in my transition:

--Very nice to receive a succinct, articulate email. I just edited my profile and am sure it's going to need more work as I'm a work in progress.

Don't fakes exist everywhere? Regardless of the venue...they exist. Weed through those, then you still have personality differences, kink differences, vanilla differences, etc... Finding a nilla partner is difficult, add kink and it seems to exponentially raise the difficulty!

I do believe the Sadists I've known would say there isn't really an "inner sub desire" in me. I started as a Top, and when meeting "switches" generally ended up Topping them even though the intention had been for me to submit. Those men still ask me to Domme them. I believe the years of submission served several purposes. I believe the right man could entice me to submit, more to power exchange than to pain. As heavy a player as I was, I think it was more about learning the strength of ppl (and of myself) and how to push. The pain slut in me is gone. I get that rush in 100 mile bike rides, 12 mile hikes, and many sets of tennis.

Sure, we can get to know each other. It's important that although distance isn't an obstacle that can't be overcome, it is an issue. Virtual anything is not my thing. I need far too much physical attention to be involved w/someone who can't reach out and touch me from a few hundred miles away. I hate to drive, and two times a month is not enough. I have a mother that is 75 w/macular degeneration living on a 70 acre ranch. My brothers can't take care of themselves, they aren't going to take care of her, that will fall to my shoulders in the next few years. Relocation is not an option for me.

Soooo. W/that last lil piece of reality, if you still want to get to know me, even if it should be just to be friends (there are century rides in SD that are quite nice), I look forward to hearing from you.

Chest xray for pneumonia, testing for valley fever, TB and cocci... something or other bird thingy. already on antibiotics as if it was pneumonia.  I'm really missing having energy.  By the end of my work day, I'm exhausted. Can't wait for bed.  Then wake up early a.m (it's 4 as I write this), because I went to bed at 8. i want to exercise, but can't walk up a flight of stairs w/out extreme shortness of breath.  This is getting OLD. (week 5)

I need to be at work in 40 minutes and I'm still naked in bed, on a kink site. Hahaha. Is this irony or luxury? I want to mention that I need sex, but I DON'T want offers. Besides, nobody would want me w/my eyes swollen shut. I look like a newly born kitten w/infected eyes. Except mine don't have qreen goo. Eww.. nice. On that note...

I made a banana cream pie w/a made up pudding recipe that is very tasty. Vanilla beans rock. On the other hand I made a colleague a birthday cake, one I've made before, that didn't work out right at all. WTF? I just wanna eat pie and stay in bed moping.

It is Science Friday, too bad I have back to back home calls all day and meetings... won't get to enjoy Science friday much. Sigh. At least it's friday. Yeah! Happy hour tonight~ bed by 830?

I want a play thing to give me a massage... Ok, really, I must not, because I keep getting offers and not taking them. Why do the 20 somethings offer and not the 30 somethings? What really amuses me is the 20 somethings across the country "safely" trying to connect virtually to test the waters. I know what that's like. The internet is a good place to learn about yourself. I'm not interested.

What DO I want? Obviously not to get dressed and go to work...It's easier to say what I don't want, but that just sounds negative. Plus if I define what I want, I can hold it out to the universe to provide. Right now in this moment I want a naked 30 something w/that lovely soft skin against mine, well defined muscles, and conciliatory nature. Damn. Holding that thought, universe isn't providing....10 minutes to dress and leave for work.

I'm in such a mood, it's too bad I have swollen eyes and can't expect to pick someone up at happy hour! If I'm not going to get laid, I might as well arrange to do some paddling. Bent over the bed, he won't see my swollen eyes.

I had an epiphany this morning, I was reading "the happiness project" and the author was having a very open conversation w/her sister. There is no way that would happen w/either of my brothers. It's not even worth the effort. I DO have this w/my son though. We can converse about anything, and even if we disagree w/one another, can be open to each other's point of view. Phoenix is in credibly articulate and very well read and versed on political/world issues. I thoroughly enjoy discourse with him and hearing about his life experiences and views EVEN when they differ from mine. I don't have to try and convince him to think differently or that he has to agree w/me or that I'm right, we can just hear each other, and perhaps what we impart will influence the other in some way. I'm often blown away by just how amazing Phoenix is.

My son's gf is so naturally submissive, she's worrisome. I'm happy to see that my son is happy to make all of the decisions and be the controlling factor in their relationship, but my realization the other day about her submissive nature was so strong, I almost said to him. at some point when she wants you to tie her up, I've got some resources for you.  But i didn't... LOL. 

I've only been home these last few weeks, enough to make my house a mess.  I have so much I need to get done.  Organizing, cleaning, planting.  Tomorrow I have an hour lunch.  I just want to lay in the sun and enjoy reading.   I enjoyed coming home, making a banana nut loaf for a client's bd, and then reading my book.  I love my simple life!

I was looking at a profile, there were pictures of a woman who was heavily marked.  One part of me was critical, "Here is a Dom w/no regard for the submissive.  Dark marks on her stomach and ribs, baaaaaad places and obviously done w/out warm up given the color of the marks.  Regardless, I was turned on by the willingness of the sub to allow that kind of abuse.  I don't think I would/could go there, but it made me wet thinking about it.  I used to get wet wanting to be on the receiving end.  That thought doesn't even cross my mind anymore.  (Except for ONE fantasy that is my little secret). Hmm.  Ok, TWO fantasies, one that will remain my secret and one that I need to negotiate w/a certain Master.  Hmm... must admit, THAT thought is making me aroused...

Nice gathering of peeps last night.  Saw Mr Right now for the first time since I ended it w/him and since he asked to be sexually involved (which I turned down).  Good to see him, nice to laugh out loud w/terrific people around. Surrounded by alcohol and behaved.  For ONCE a good girl?  Someone spank me for good behavior!   (I almost decided to erase that because of the stupid offers it will get me.  NO, i do not want you to spank me, please refrain from sending such an invitation.)

Mr. Right Now, wrote me an email"Miss You!!!  If you're not in one of those committed relationships; (Is that an option for people like us?) Or is that an us thing? Sex would be fun for me.  Dating for me after us; it's been a learning experience and a lesson on hardening my heart. Any way; JSUK, sex for me has been nonexistent since we had sex last!! I know, I seem like a prude, but I have been very busy and had the worst luck with all the wrong women!!!!
Anyway, seriously missed your cooking and sexual talents. 
So if you're up for a sexual encounter: lets get together."
I responded that I didn't think sex was a good idea.  He apparently STILL doesn't get that WE were just sex.   He ruined it by falling in love and wanting it to be something it wasn't.  

The rain falls in sheets and I view it thru the window walls.  Who has the luxury of window WALLS?  I do for the moment, and I count my blessings.  I'm lying on four body pillows in the most comfortable king size bed imaginable.  I look to the west wall of window and see canaries in the apiary, while they make lovely song.  Out the north wall window is the giant exotic fern that is the size of my car.  Smaller ferns and birds of paradise run the edge of the wall along the brick patio. It's lovely. I type this while a movie plays on the HDTV screen that is longer than I am tall. Latte, a neurologically affected lil terrier of the "toto" variety is curled up beside me. Where there is actual wall, there is beautiful artwork in deep dark hues, and the deep plum duvet cover blends well with with the paintings.  Prior to cllmbing into this bed I climbed out of the two seater hot tub, dried off and used the toilet that greeted me by lifting it's lid and beginning it's cycle to warm the water for the bidet.  Yes... the seat was heated when my cheeks made contact.  
This isn't my home, but I spend so much time here, I'm very comfortable. I can push a button and close the blinds, but prefer to have them open so that I can observe the sunlight as it plays through the leaves of the trees.  The open floor space of the bedroom is so large four couples could easily dance in it. 
I can look through the glass wall, past the gigantic dinosaur fern, through the den and the formal dining room into the backyard.  Because the walls are window in the formal dining room also. Is it any wonder I'm happy to house and dog sit?  My bare feet love the feel of the persian rugs, and my ears enjoy the sound of my heels on the finished concrete.
The kitchen is also a wall of glass above the counter level.  While chopping vegetables, I view the fountain with the sculpted center piece. There can be no complaints. There ARE no complaints.  The owner of this lovely house, a judge, appreciates that I, a woman who he does not view as material can enjoy all it has to offer.  When I first started dog sitting, I planned parties, wanting to share this space. Then I only wanted to share it w/my "man".  Now I just want to be in it all alone, or w/my son.  I'll pull off a book from the shelves and read.  Once in a while if the weather is good, I'll light the fire pit and enjoy it's warmth and ambiance. 
When I'm not ill, I love to spend nights on the couch rather than the bed as Tuva, the Lab isn't allowed in the bedroom.  Sometimes I curl up w/her on her bed, where she'll ultimately take a deep breath and relax into me, knowing my love and enjoying it. 
I am blessed.  I am blessed beyond belief. 
d

I've been thinking a lot about how lucky I've been.  There have been many dreams I've accomplished.  At the same time, as usual, I'm critical of myself.  My goals have been pretty much underachievements. I've watched friends go through bad mid life moments.  I was on the verge of that myself. Not gonna let that happen.  TIme for therapy.

Update- got an email from Mr Right now, asking for a reunion- specifically for sex. He's fooling himself again.  Poor guy.  He just can't be honest w/himself.  I told him no. Plus I haven't been drinking at all and I like it.  Have had limited contact w/the good first date. Neither holding my breath, or making assumptions. 

First date w/a man I met on a Nilla site who has great potential as a Dom.  He may actually inspire me.  His cock is HUGE...It looks like it's going to feel like I'm being fisted!  Will be a while before I'm ready to go there...unless of course, he jumps right on the Dom bandwagon and inspires me.  He wants to hear about BDSM.  I'm afraid to be honest about my level of experience.  I don't want to scare him off.  He seems to have some limited knowledge, as though it's been a fantasy of his for a while.  I'll be forthcoming...what else CAN I be?  If the truth scares him...bummer.  IF not, well, well, well!

Been topping a lot.  Enjoying it a LOT.  Not getting laid at all.  That needs to be remedied. 

Still bruised on thigh from last week's demo. Back is clear from single tail marks though.  Enjoyed bruising someone last night.  I must learn more about CBT. Sure seems as though I'm switching. LOL...full circle, no surprise there.  The "head" aspect of Dominance is appealing to me more and more, but I don't want the emotional dependence that so commonly comes w/it. 

Chose "special eyes"  the MTB for my first ride and exercise in months  Love being back in the saddle, not so much loving the agony. This is going to be a long haul back.  Yoiks.

I've slid around on the sexual/BDSM continuum in some interestingly extreme ways.  After a hiatus for quite a while during which my activity in the group has been mostly tangential except for contact w/a few close friends, I seem to be swinging back, along yet another exploratory path. I recently had a scene w/Bako and if I was strong enough to wrench my wrist from his hand, I would have slapped him.  I'm just not feeling very submissive these days. 
For some uncertain, not really analyzed reason, I haven't been getting laid lately.  Not that it's not easy to come by, I have a very skilled lover whom w/very little effort, I could spend time with.  It seems to be part of this transition of sorts I'm going through.  When I'm not sexual, and not submitting, there is a...sadistic streak in me that surfaces.  Part of the reason that Dominating doesn't appeal to me is that it's a struggle to keep my sadist/cruel facet under control. When subbing I love to be pushed, I love the edge that when pushed just right, raises the level of adoration I feel for my Dom, because they've paid attention to know just when to stop, or if they do go too far, to take care of me...or not.  It's the "not" that scares me.  The Sadist in me, the Cruella DeVille/me has a slight fantasy to maim and injure.  Almost like there is this sick little corner of my brain I have to keep totally fettered. So I Top.  Never anything nuts (but ooooo is it fun to torture nuts!) Topping a masochist is a good way to get to play pretty hard w/out boredom, and because I know and love them, it's easy to keep Cruella fettered. Lately I've been considering exploring a Top role to a greater level.  I've learned some skills over the years, but I want to be amazing.  I want safety to come automatically and instinctually, so I can be free to flow. I'd have to learn single tail, and probably wouldn't be happy until I was as controlled as EagleEyes. I'm a little blood thirsty though, and that can be considered "extreme". 
One of the hottest scenes I ever had w/Bako, was when he carved into my skin.  It didn't scar, but the endorphin rush was great.  Seeing the blood, feeling the warm sticky ooze, slide across my skin...I loved it. A friend recently showed me some needlework done on his cock and it was covered in blood.  My reaction a year ago, would have been to wish it was me, or imagine it was me and my pussy bleeding, this time my pussy got wet w/the idea of DOING that TO HIM. 
I've always enjoyed wrestling and LOOSING, being manhandled and overpowered, then slapped across the face. I don't have to submit to it.  I'm not strong enough to physically stop it, and I love it.  I was sore last week from wrestling from the Top. I got enough physical exertion to feel sore, but I also got a little high from having him submit to my ministrations.  Power exchange..it's a rush.  From the bottom, it was a rush from the physical activity firing the endorphins. From the Top, it's a mental rush. It got me thinking, "what can I get him to do that he doesn't want to do?  I want his submission."
Hm.  This is all just babble and dribble, thinking out loud.   I'm just exploring.  But damn I want to explore some more.   

It was a good holiday.  I spent it recovering from a tummy tuck and sinus surgery.  Off since Dec 8, will return Feb 8.  My sinus surgeon seems to be flirting w/me.  I have to admit, I'm intrigued.  Outcome assessment, gotta ask him out at our last appt, or I'll never know if it's just my imagination.  He makes sure to tell me he likes what I'm wearing, that I look good, and when I called him "a fucking sadist!" as he was pulling scabs out of my nose, his response was, "yes, but only in my personal life."   He is fodder for fantasy, for a girl who isn't getting laid or beaten.  
I have been doing some Topping though and that's been fun; especially w/the masochists I've been hitting. I haven't seen much of the rancher as I hate driving and have been more busy while off, then when I'm working.  He might have some misconceptions about a BDSM community, assuming we're all a bunch of swingers, that BDSM is always sexual, and that he should be expecting monogamy although we've not even discussed relationship, sex, or play. It's very interesting.  I like him a lot though, so we'll see if he is willing to become involved in the local community. I barely know him, too soon to tell anything about him (although we've been involved for almost 4 months).  Not that he's secretive, more that he's SLOW moving AND busy.  Rides/trains horses almost daily, attends to the ranch daily and has a home schooling 12 y o daughter.  That, plus living an hour 15 min. away, makes for time together challenging.  I guess the next step is to see what his BDSM proclivities are. 
In the mean time, I'm not having sex and feeling frustrated.  Boy toys abound and tempt me, but not enough to act on it.  
I made orange and soy glazed baby back ribs, coconut rice, and ginger chicken soup for my birthday dinner. Also made a mocha/rum cake w/chocolate rum cream filling that was amazing! I'll probably  never make any of it again, but man it was good.  The peeps who came were so much fun!  I wish I could have had twice as many ppl, and missed those that couldn't make it. 

It's somewhat boring unless it's social. Miles and miles of pedaling w/out the adrenaline of having to maneuver about a trail around rocks/logs, etc.  MTBing is a LOT more fun with the exception of long, speedy descents on a good road. All the climbing is worth those 40 mph descents for a couple of miles. 
I've put in more road miles in the last month than I did all of last year together.  I've been doing some of the local organized rides.  I was supposed to ride the Fresno Classic Century w/hotty spin instructor, but he never confirmed.  I was at the first sag when he caught up w/me (I had to wait 10 minutes for a bathroom).  He needed to use the pit toilet, and said, "Go ahead, I'll catch up to you."  He didn't. I don't eat while riding anymore, so the only thing I did at the SAGS was fill my bottle.  I waited 5 minutes at the first SAG, but didn't see him.  I saw him at the last SAG, where I sat down to wait for the guys I was riding with as they were so kind to let me draft.  Hottie spin instructor showed up as I was leaving and I told him I'd wait for him at the BBQ to chat.  He didn't suggest catching up at this SAG... LOL. 
Later I sent him a photo of the bubble jacuzzi I was taking and he responded w/"I expected to see a little more provocative photo than a hot tub full of bubbles."  That was the first indication that he was even OPEN to such a thing.  If there were subtle hints, I certainly didn't get them (ADHDenise often misses subtleties).  We'll see. 
About a month ago, I started talking to another road cyclist from Match.  We'd shared some email and flirty texts, and at some point he mentioned he's got a tandem road bike.   I've wanted to try a tandem for 25 years.  So he suggests a 40 mile ride from his house on a Friday after work.  I had a pretty hard 73 mile ride w/girlfriends on the books for the following morning, but didn't want to miss the opportunity on the tandem, especially since he'd jumped right on the bandwagon suggesting duct taping my feet to the pedals.. and having a good laugh when I said, "bondage on the first date? I don't think so."
He came out to meet me already in Lycra, looking totally HOT.  He's 6'4" and unlike most cyclists, thick.  Big boned and naturally muscular. A clydesdale. Not an oz of fat on him.  We had a good ride. 40 miles, up to Sheri's roadhouse, 28 mph avg.  I can't get that fast riding solo. We had a great ride, I made portabella mushrooms w/pesto sauce, sun dried toms and feta cheese for dinner and we parted about midnight. (I had to be up at 5:30 to get to the ride Saturday). 
He kind of tripped after that.  I still don't know why, but started to realize that he might be bipolar.  As he pulled out of his depression, he reestablished an interest in me, starting flirting again (in text), and then again we had plans for another ride.  Only now I've told him, don't think i'm interested in romance, but really want some more time "stroking" for him as "Captain." The front rider of a tandem is "Captain" the back is "stroker."  I am still willing to flirt though. :) 
So... I was at his house at 6 a.m. ready to ride.  He kicked my ass. 83 miles w/5K feet of elevation gain, riding from Harlan Ranch to Friant, over to O'Neals, up Walker grade to NF, past my mom's house (she left me water at the end of the drive), to Auberry, then down the hill back to his place in just under 5 hours, top speed 49 mpg, average speed 25 mph.  I can't ride that fast alone. 
Tandems are tricky.  Balancing two people on the bike requires lots of communication, and the speedy downhill and such is scary as it requires so much trust of each other. I was scared much of the time.  He patiently coached me to relax my shoulders, to keep pedaling, to settle down, to keep my head up, to pedal circles, to sit square w/the bike, stop rocking, etc... (over and over again).  He pushed me, it was wonderful.  I call him Evil, Sadistic Captain Flash.  Too bad he's bipolar.  I'd like to ride w/him on that tandem some more.  Not today though.  My body is wrecked.  Time for rest and relaxation.

73 miles w 4000 feet elevation gain on the road bike yesterday. It was a great day. I feel terrific! Rode a tandem w an Animal 40 miles friday night avg speed 25 mph. That was cool. He made a comment about duct taping my feet to the pedals. I said,"Bondage on a first date? That's pretty bold!" He told me he expects harder riding out of me next time or he's bringing out the whip. I said"with all the riding I'm doing I won't feel the whip thru callouses" his response..."I'll switch hands or bring out the shock seat." 
I'm thinking two things ... this guy I met on a nilla  site has some marvelously evil potential and that a trainer is a fantastic sort of Dom. I'll be Dominated and get into amazing shape. as an athlete I could b way more submissive than as a bdsm partner...but mix the two? OMG what a concept!

So the front rider of a tandem is called the "Captain" and in the back, the "stroker".  I responded that I want a t shirt that says, "i stroke my hardest for Captain Flash"
  Next week a hundred miles.

After limping for a week, finally Friday could walk normally, although not at usual fast pace.  Road ride for 30 miles Saturday was great, but my body complained.  At least I'm on the mend.  I have honorable HB's house this weekend and enjoyed time w/Bako here.  It is great to FUCK and be Dominated.  New dude just can't get down physically.   This is truly an issue.  I really don't want to live w/out fucking at my young age... 

Terrific vacation! Exercised until my body feels alive and vital, hiked in Mineral King, road rides, loving time in my favorite gym, loving time w/the mancub, enjoying cooking and feeding people yumminess! Generally got satisfied on all kinds of levels. LIFE IS GREAT!

Dick scratched my itch.  I'm much calmer and nicer to the world now.  Nicer to the dude I"m "dating" too. There is a lot to teach him before we cut each other loose, and a lot of activity to enjoy in the mean time.  He bought a backpack and is looking into bikes, both road and mountain.  He's liking the Felt bikes he's ridden which is cool since there is a connection there w/someone else. 
As long as he doesn't push me for commitment, we'll be good for a while.  He might have to get a little less demanding of my time, but that's all good too.  He was very helpful in moving me out of the condo.  Now there is not really any place for us to "hang" so my time has become my own until he figures something out. LOL.  In the mean time, I'll build up my hunger... and work on his willingness to try viagra.  Oh and in the mean time, I guess I have to find a place to live to put an end to my homelessness.. LOL.  But first, I get to see Jack tonight in Bako and i"m really glad for that.  I haven't seen him since Whitney and have only talked to him a bit.  
For the next four days (10 total), I'm homeless at Honorable HBs.  Man this house is amazing.  The sun is shining, so I plan to get some naked time in!  I love having the young ones around.  Right now, we've been consoling man cub through his break up.  I'm relieved because she isn't very smart, is already a pill addict and I imagine her fat and alcoholic in the next 4 years. But for now his heart needs to heal.  I've suggested talking w/a therapist.  He's open to it.  I love my boy.

DICK serves a purpose.  DICK totally serves my purpose.. Frustration subdued for now.

New boyfriend is all about pleasing me.  He doesn't understand that it's uncomfortable for me to have someone want to give me everything all the time.  He can't "FUCK" which is his real draw back.  If oral sex were sufficient, I'd be a lesbian.  There is a reason I like men, the stiff, straight, throbbing, one eyed snake... pulsing, cumming... I like those qualities in a MAN (strap ons are less than satisfying) and although I enjoy cumming from oral sex as much as the next person, I need fucking too.  Sweaty, animalistic, energetic fucking.  I'm  frustrated. 

Please FUCK ME?

Well... on a ride w/lots of attention and affection at a time when I'm upside down w/stress.  My living arrangements are unsatisfactory as the condo I'm in is too dark, tiny w/room pretending to be a kitchen, and no parking for guests to want to stay in. People want me to live w/them, but then show me homes, rooms and garages FULL to the brim w/no room to live in; where do I fit in?  One person has a great house, but it needs the carpets removed, linoleum installed, painting done NOW when it's time to play hard.  My best option best option appears to be to live w/my son who really wants me too.  I can't believe my sloppy son is less sloppy than my other options... at least he'll keep the common areas clean.  I don't like the idea of commuting again, but unless I find a place that is satisfactory, I'm going to.
New boyfriend would like to find a place together.  Although it's only been 3 weeks of being pretty solidly joined at the hip, I'm tempted. Even if only for all the sex I'd catch up on!  BUT I also know that it's NOT a good move.  His situation is also in transition and  I'm not ready for that kind of commitment.  I AM ready to be dating him exclusively, but it's still too soon to see his faults and discern if I can live w/them.  I'm the one having definitive boundaries, he's too new to dating and smitten w/me to trust his judgment. I was relieved to find out I'm NOT the rebound gal.  It's time to put all I've finally learned over the past few years to the test.  Self awareness.. gotta keep that.  Can't wait to see what is next.

Life circles on.  Good times in the hood.  White water kayaking this weekend.  MTB riding next.  I"m currently a rebound gal for someone that was w/one woman for 32 years.  In some ways being the rebound girl sucks, in others, it's quite nice. These men who have been unhappy for many years are experiencing lust, happiness, activity, conversation and giddiness for the first time in a LONG time.  That's pretty sweetly contagious.  I'll just groove on that for a while...while my kayak is fixed, my moving gets done, backpack trips are planned.  It's all good.

Got the sexy group cycle instructor's phone number this morning.  Yumminess.. time for some heavy riding!  If being a roadie means chasing his ass, i'm all in!

I seem to be making a habit of coming home for orgasms instead of lunch.  I need a fucking lover.. 

Hottie group cycling instructor invited me to ride Fresno's March century w/him. 100 miles chasing his cute lil bum; I'm so THERE. It is a GOOD day.

O God.. Boy toy goes beyond flirting and basically offers up what he'd like to do to me.  Lord, the effect of those words as he stood over me in his tall yummy frame, was DRAMATIC.  To think, I can have him, if I want him.  Ohhh. I want him.  I want him and all the things he described to me.  Save me from my hormones.. 

Today would be a good day to do nothing but fuck and eat.  Since I'm alone, I'll settle for masturbation and eating.

Scratched my itch w/Bako. We  had a terrific time.  It's amazing how many years it takes to know someone.  He's opened up in ways I never would have imagined.  He's such a great guy, who I feel I can trust to be completely honest and straightforward.  I'm nicely bruised, sexually (in the Clinton sense) and emotionally sated. SWEET!  I can just keep it for what it is- very intermittent, intimate and friendly.

I saw the hottie flirt boy yesterday before my date.  The torrential rains had me in jeans, but he still came seeking me out.  Yummy, yummy, yummy.  I could accept worship from him.  Not to mention naked I'd imagine he's pretty yummy.  6'3", packed solidly, neatly groomed (always) and always standing straight.  Not to mention I see him at his work place, and a JOB is not so commonplace in this economy.  I want him.  2 or 3 x a day would be about perfect right now.

I had a nice date tonight.  I enjoy being wined and dined, but this man does nothing to inspire passion in me.  we laugh a bit, but it feels contrived.  He's a sweet, slow moving man.  The kind that makes me wish I could just be about the .  i could easily please him.  Easily.  PErhaps that is the problem.  Too easily. Do I hang in there and see what develops?  I should.  I'm far too ADHD to be able to hang w/his type.  I need sex and a lot of it.  Right now so much so I'm leaning toward boy toys.  I need an outlet while I explore the greater possibilities w/the slower moving persona.  I'm in serious transition.  Right now I need fire, in the long run, I could settle for a man like this one.

Honorable HB:

I love this man's house and the fact that he shares everything w/me.  He has become a truly good friend.  I trust and respect him, enjoy his mind and articulate nature, and love being able to have his house weekends he's gone.

He's going to help me pay for abdominal skin removal.  I'm waiting for the consult appt w/the plastic surgeon, but should see him in a couple of weeks.  My mother has also said she'd help, it's about 6K dollars.  I'm saving my time off.  This is going to put a damper in backpacking, but wouldn't it be cool to be able to show off all my work (ab muscles) next summer?  Oh.. I will dress myself SO differently!

A man has to be dominant, or I'll just not manage to deal w/them nicely.  I can date nilla, but the man HAS to have a dominant personality or I just end up being as mean as I can to try and push them away.  I hate it when someone backpedals to try and please me rather than just standing their ground. Makes me want to beat them, unless of course I WANT them to be trying to please me.  I knew Dr. R was going to want to understand why I don't want to see him anymore.  I gave him a lot of reasons, none of which were heard, which was the main reason.. not feeling heard, constantly feeling misunderstood, and feeling like he was more about pleasing me than about being who he really is.  I'm sure I"ve seemed that way to some.  I kept pushing and he kept taking it in stride.  I kept thinking, how ugly do I have to get before this man will stop trying to adjust to please me.  I need him to be solid, but fair, not wishy washy.  
He said, "well we don't really know each other yet."  
I said, "but I don't like who I am when I'm with you.  you haven't seen me at all, I don't think I've seen you either."  Perhaps I should have just let him go and then just not been available for any more dates.  Isn't that the passive aggressive attitude most people have?

I really want to get on my MTB. I just got it back!! I'm feeling torn in many (social) directions and all I really want to do is really ride the bike and experience the bliss biking gives me. I rode a little in town in the 30 minutes I have before dark.  Foreplay.  Now I want the real ride!

i got off before work this morning.. came home for lunch and did it again.. and believe once more tonight is a good idea... LOL

Absolutely fantastic weekend in Santa Cruz!  Friends playing amazing music, hippies dancing everywhere, riding (even if it was road bikes) was fun in the sunshine and through the big trees.  Dance Church was interesting.

Dance church: people rolling around on each other in "contact", dancing, bouncing around (reminiscent of the Grateful Dead orgiastic wonder).  

Good as always to see Wil and wonderful to get to introduce him to some friends I've known even longer than I've known him.  There was a young man at Jack and Jeff's birthday party who can play the fiddle like no one I've known in a long while.  He's got an ear and an artistic bend that is amazing. He should be famous and SOON.

Sunshine felt GOOD.  I didn't get to see everybody I wanted, but then, I don't want to stay away too long either.. 

A younger vs "young" man 30 something vs 20 something has completely shown his fancy in me in ways that make me pay attention. Flattery, when given genuinely and w/apparent resolve is totally enthralling. I can easily give some back, while finding myself BLUSHING. ME...BLUSHING! I'm feeling silly and giddy at the same time, while deciding I'll do NOTHING but respond genuinely with a broad, blushing smile. It's ONLY flirting right?

My hormones are driving me NUTS.  I am horny as hell w/out a lover.  The young men are starting to look older and smarter.  Sigh.  Looking forward to a trip to santa cruz this weekend.  Staying w/Wil, but he's got something going at this time.  my past, always a good go to.  Sex AND BDSM would be amazing, I need Bako.

J called to offer a rafting trip down the Colorado and through the Grand Canyon next summer.  I'd so love to do that.  What FUN, as if anything w/him could be anything BUT fun.  I miss seeing him on a regular basis.  I haven't seen him since the Whitney trip early Sept.  Another backpack in the plans w/the boys too.  Something less crazy than Whitney.

Friends gave me 150 dollars for REI.  Totally exciting to think about spending it.  I need climbing shoes, or there is this terrific jacket I want that breathes and is water proof.  I could use some night riding bike lights.  The ones I want are 300 bucks!

Having Honorable HB's house for the weekend was such a treat.  

I am feeling really blessed.

Terrific birthday weekend in an amazing house.  Nilla party on my actual birthday, then BDSM bacchanal on Saturday.  Double X frame, spanking bench, single tail, rope, ohhhh it was a good party w/GREAT people!  

Last day to be a lard ass.  Time to take the bull by the horns.

Boy toys on my mind.  Although I've noticed a young woman at the gym who gets my blood boiling.  She's got such an amazing athletic body.  Perfection in my mind of a woman doesn't even equate to Playboy standards, it's more about athleticism, but this chick would clean up really WELL.  sigh.. i need sex.  Soon

I either need a boy toy or ... or.. something. I keep getting approached by very young men (in their 20s.) Is something wrong w/me that I have no interest? Ok, maybe a slight.. "why not" goes through my head. I just can't go there though. I just can't. but why NOT???

 I cannot even describe my hunger right now. Not to myself, not to anybody. It's unfathomable. I refuse to use a young man. It would be so easy, but I can't. I need a connection soon. I'm being weird about men right now. I want it to be simple and it just never is. Maybe I DO need a boy toy. Hmmm. Fodder for fantasy at least.

oh my god.. feast was totally delicious.  perhaps my best meal to date (of the traditional sense). walked on the property. pretty everywhere, and man there could be some amazing MTBing right in the back yard!

I've been dating for so long, I just don't have a lot of high hopes anymore.  I'll slowly get to know this guy but have become embittered and therefore have this expectation that something weird will pop up like it always does.   But.. big BUT, will have a good time on the journey.  At least long enough to do whitney again w/him next summer.  So far I like him.

OH MY GOD.  I am SO SORE!  "SOUPER" workout yesterday!  If the sun comes out, I want to rode today!  Need to take my bike to storage.  Long list of things to do.

great 2 hour work out this morning, turkey, lentil, curry soup for lunch, after having just had a marvelous orgasm. PLUS!  Fall is here and it's RAINING!! LOVELY DAY!

I saw a lover of mine yesterday.  He reminded me that some things are worth taking time for.  I'm stressing over all I need to accomplish (although obviously not enough to avoid taking the time to write this), and when he called from the Fresno airport to see if I'd like to have lunch, I cringed thinking about how much time this was going to take, but I thoroughly enjoy his company, and only see him about once a month, so decided lunch would be nice. He's a brilliant man with an incredible knowledge base (he's been on jeopardy).  I warned him that I was somewhat preoccupied.  

I was NOT interested in sex, feeling too preoccupied to want to take the time and thinking i'd never be able to cum. 

Nature man is a smart man.  When I said this to him he embraced it AND me, and proceeded to connect on an intellectual level.  He's known me long enough (and no doubt enough women) to know romancing us goes a long way.  He rubbed my shoulders, took me to lunch, and when we came back I said to him, 'I'm really feeling time get away from me, would you mind if I just gave you a blow job and sent you on your way? I really don't think I can cum with all on my mind!"  He responded with "Typical woman. Who would say no to that?"  He knows that once I get started, am easily coaxed to more, and that HE is turned on by turning me on, so my just blowing him was never gonna go. 

Needless to say, it wasn't long before time didn't matter so much any more.  I was able to cum.  
Afterward, he talked of our lovemaking in such a sweet way, it made me pause.  Earlier he had indicated that he was contemplating possibly desiring (pretty vague eh?) a partner on lots of different levels. We talked about this for a time.  It's interesting.  Just that.    

Do scammers really care that you are sick of them?  All of us know they exist, who isn't sick of them? Using 1/2 your profile to mention them doesn't make any difference to scammers, it just makes non scammers skip over your profile.  

If you lie about your weight and activity level, you're no better than the scammers.  Why lie?  The truth comes out, and then what?  Do you think someone will just accept the lie as a basis for the relationship?  How does that help to build trust?  

I recently met someone who said they weighed a certain amount and cycled, backpacked etc.  I showed up at the restaurant and when I looked around and saw the only guy alone, couldn't believe it was the person I was supposed to meet.  He was at least 100 lbs more than his profile had professed. A HUNDRED POUNDS!  He could barely squeeze into the booth. I don't meet many people, I'm too busy.  What a waste of my time.  Why say you cycle, backpack etc if it was 10 years ago.  Be present, be honest.  Lying isn't going to get you anywhere except w/other liars. 

Now, cynical me, seems overkill when I ask, "What does cycling mean to you?  A ride around the neighborhood? 20 miles?  100 miles?  When was the last time you backpacked?  

My Dom friend (55 y.o.), who did Whitney w/us runs marathons and we rode a century together.  He was in the gym every night for 3 hours two weeks before our trip training (something my son and I didn't do).  He was in good physical shape to begin with, but knew he was going to have a difficult time.  I probably should have taken his tack... LOL  We made it through.  71 miles in 6.5 days. 16 miles on the last day.  So forgive me if I'm cynical when I'm sitting at a table with someone who has a Buddha belly and looks 60 not 50 something and says, "I typically like to do 10 mile days on a backpack." Yeah.. right.  What was my response after having done those kind of miles and not really enjoying that aspect? "Wow, really?  You must be in way better shape than I am.  I just did that and it wasn't my preference at ALL.  I like a little more down time to enjoy the environment."  

Why even focus on miles?  Is it because you're Buddha belly makes you feel insecure?  Miles don't impresses me.  Well that's not exactly true.  The guys who were doing 12-20 miles a day really impressed me.  Those ultra marathon madmen.  I've backpacked w/some big folks who did fine, and i've hiked w/some average people who struggled.  Besides, even if I believed you "typically like to pack 10 mile days," I don't want to, so we're not good backpacking partners.  If i get the feeling you're lying, exaggerating, or that the elements are incongruous, I'm not going to trust you enough to backpack w/you anyway.  

Packing to move, fighting off some bug, stressing out to the max. 

Enjoyed my week in Sac, but am happy to be home.  Even if it's only home for one more week!

I'm in Sacramento for the week on business and i LOVE this town! There is an amazing cycling, running, mountain biking path/trails right outside my hotel room.  I ran 5 miles the first night, cycled 20 last night and tonight.  It runs right along the river and is BEAUTIFUL.  This place rocks!  I wish I had my MTB for the wonderful trails and I wish I had my kayak for the river.  I'd never get bored here (not that I ever DO get bored), but I'd rarely see the gym.

is finally alone, ready for a break from packing. I think it's time to masturbate.