LivelyLass53

"Surrender:  giving up what we think should be happening for what is actually happening"

Sighs... so hard, yet so easy.  I am not in control....

Mark Twain wrote:

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."

So very true...

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meaness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Was told this quote is from Marilyn Monroe,  still very fitting.

"I'm selfish, impatient, a little insecure, I am out of control at times and hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best"

Oh my goodness... that is really all I have to say.

Chilly at the coast but yummy hot clam chowder makes all the difference.  It is just so freeing out there.

Sometimes I just wonder if there is something about me... but then I realize I just have to keep being who I am ... I am present, I am honest, and I am real.  There is a lot to say for that.  I am open to this experience and truly hope one day the right "one" will find me or we will find each other.  I am learning so much.... about myself about what I want and don't want.  Sighs...

Another beautiful fall day... but I think the fog is at the coast so maybe I will head up into the hills for a hike.  Would love to go for a ride! 

such a silly girl ... sighs

Beautiful fall day.. hiked up to Bodega Head and just loved the feel of the sun on my face.

Fall truly is my favorite time of year.  Hope to go hiking with someone one day... maybe a little more isolated... lol ... out door bondage... sex oh so yummy.

I like the quote below... borrowed from another site... it spoke to me.

"If a woman is not submissive to a man it is not because she lacks the ability to submit; rather he lacked the ability to create for her a place in her heart and mind where she could safely fall to her knees."
~ Anonymous

Still moving forward, feeling better about myself ... learning is hard.  Sometimes people are just not who you thought they were.  Better to find out sooner than later.  Still want to find someone who will cherish me... protect and adore me.  Hopeful that one day it will happen.

In the meantime.... keep learning, keep trying.

I can't sleep .... my mind will not be quiet... my body is needing... It is so hard to know who to trust, tired of crying, tired of wondering what I did wrong.  I am lost right now... not sure where to go, where to turn.  I think for now I will just keep moving forward and see where I come out. No one said it was easy ...  

What a few weeks this has been... very sick and still healing; at least the weather is gorgeous .. the ocean calls to me.. hiking up on the trails the sun on my face.. laying in the grass listening to the surf... just so beautiful.  People .. well they are who they are.. not always who I thought.  I am feeling a little foolish; gullible even.  I am real and just put myself out there.

There is risk in that, but I don't know how to be anyone else.  I have found lately getting back in touch with my intuitive self ... my restless soul aches to be seen and be touched... sighs ...

It really is all about the learning... the growth.

With each encounter I learn.. it is not always easy or pleasant, but I learn.

I am learning honesty is so very very important to me... that and trust is so

very hard for me.. I know big surprise... lol.  We all have our past's .. we all have our

"issues" for me that is all part of the journey.. pushing, healing, challenging myself

to push past the fear that can hold me tight. 

"Sometimes it is in desire, or in the love we fear; When the call keeps calling us, Til

the fear will disappear; When we have no dance to dance, the call is in the song, When

we have no song to sing, Then the call is calling strong"

Someone said I should remove references to my former relationship, look instead

to the future... I am venturing out, I am taking small steps, but isn't the past all

part of that as well? 

You know I am feeling better, still not ready to jump back in, but that deep deep hurt is easing... I have learned so much from this experience, have a much better idea of what I want, and mostly what I do not want.  Still just looking for friends at this point.

Still here... we are talking so that is good... he has been such a big part of my life for a long time... I would be lying if I said I did not miss him, am still connected to him... the heart wants what the heart wants.

Not sure what I want to say... things change, I am changing.  Not exactly sure what that means, but I do know I want more... need more. 

Wow I haven't written for awhile..I was looking at my profile... I am not so new to this lifestyle anymore, but I don't think I am experienced enough to change it.  Having a Master who is gone alot is hard!  I am on my own alot and that can be frustrating!  But I have also made some good friends and for that I am so grateful! and finally I have met a woman to play with ... I am so excited.. she is more experienced so can help me at least start... Master is home so that is wonderful ... he leaves again the weekend of the Folsom Street Fair...that just sucks, but there is nothing to be done about it. 

Yesterday I went to a ladies luncheon... my friend has stage 3 breast cancer and is facing a double masectomy on Thursday... so we drank champagne and cried and laughed as only women can do... she is amazing in her resolution and courage.... it is just so sad.. so please ladies, self exams, mamograms...

A local Dom asked why I did not name my Master or his collar me "name" you know I just didn't.  For those who want to know his name is Master... okay okay dommca2002.  He no longer has a profile on collar me.  He leaves that to me.  For men thinking they want to contact him for permission to play with me, I can tell you now he will say no, I am his and only his.  So I could update my profile, again.. but I am not going to.  If you want to know about my Master, ask me...

It is so hard to know what to say... I want to play.. I need release, how do you explain to people the need to be tied up, blindfolded, oh yes and punished... I spend so much time alone, my Master is away again .. I hate it when he goes, but understand it is his job.  He wants me to meet a woman to play and continue to grow as a submissive, I think I may be a bit of a switch, but am not sure. 
Got my nipples pierced that was so cool.. I can't wait until they heal.