Littlegabby

I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of putting up with everyone else’s shit. I’m tired of my problems. I feel like I’m going nowhere in life. The thought of a better future crossed my mind today, but it was quickly shot down by my reality. I’ve thought about what I wanted to do with my life, but I feel powerless to change the situation which I'm in. I never feel like anything is ever good enough. My biggest struggle in life is being happy with myself. 
I always think that this will make me happy, or that will make me happy, but once it’s in my life, nothing changes. I’m constantly fighting with myself internally and it seems that there’s no end in sight. I have found contentment with the fact that things aren’t going to change, and I live in the moment. That’s one of my biggest problems. I fear that my world is going to be taken away from me before I find my happiness.

In my mind I can envision a greater life, and convince myself that I really can & will have it, then I realize that I’m constantly high, and I don’t make any sense at all. What the fuck am I thinking? What the fuck am I doing? I could totally do it, but reality has a firm grasp on me. I realized the other day that if I didn’t have any mental illnesses, I could and would be more successful now.

I’m truly a hard worker & I always make things happen. I’ve always been pretty independent for the most part. I have a belief in myself when I need to, but it’s so easy to be depressed when you with no direction to turn. My emotions run so deep that I nearly cannot handle them. I fight back by telling myself that everything is wonderful, & sometimes it works. 

I wanted to be an inspiration in someone’s life, but I’m nothing but a bad role model. I wish I could do better. People tell me that I’m a good person & I deserve everything I want in life. I don’t believe them. I am so unworthy. I can’t help myself, but I want to change the world. What the fuck have I been thinking?

Dreaming of a better future, thinking that I’m making something for myself. I’m obviously delusional. The joke is on me.

Confused:x
Gabby

Hey people, it's your little Gabby here again. Just wanted to share my little tumblr blog with all of you. So here it is: http://cuteyoungthingme.tumblr.com/. Enjoy alright? See ya!!!

xoxo

Gabby

Well well well, what prompted me to do a journal is because I want to and would like others to monitor what/how I'm feeling these days. Trying not to pleasure myself is so so difficult, but I've also found a way to distract myself. Working is one of them. Working at a tourist attraction is fun. Absolutely fun. So many people, so many laughter, yet so damn mentally draining because I'm an introvert. Sucks to be that. Need time to cool off on my own. Anyway, I'm starting to weed off smoking as the smell doesn't smell good on a girl like me. I like to be portrayed as a sweet, young, innocent little girl.