LittleFelicity

i'm happy to say that i am no longer looking for relationship. i'll still be willing to accept friends if i feel it would be beneficial, but otherwise i am taken.

it's been a long six months since He last held me in His arms because He loved me, or at least told me He did. it's been almost torturous, the search to fill the void that He created, that i created when i foolishly suggested some space so W/we could both deal with some personal hardships. i had thought W/we would be apart a mere few weeks, i never expected something so permanent. and now i wallow in my own self pity, the lowest side of myself that i've seen in a while, aided by my depression which is at it's worst without Him here. as bad as my depression might have been, He always made me feel better, almost normal. and as what would have been O/our one year anniversary passes by, i regret everything i ever did to make Him unhappy, everything i didn't do that He wished i had, and everything i now have to do alone. i spent a day with Him about a month ago and i felt so hopeful, i actually felt that spark again, but as quickly as i felt it, it was put out by the truth, that He didn't expect the day to go as it did, and that it didn't really change anything. i still cling to the smallest glimmer of hope and i foolishly let myself believe that one day it might change. i still have all these feelings towards Him, some of which come back the minute i see Him, some which would need some time to reemerge, but i know that with time i could be what He wants. i just want to be happy again, to feel the happiness i felt with Him, to feel His arms around me and to know that i'm wanted and loved. i'm tired of feeling worthless and like a bad person, like leftovers no one wants, like i deserve to be alone, like everything is my fault. i'm tired of being used because people think i must be desperate. i just want the pain to end and i'm tired of hurting and having no one to comfort me, no one to wipe the tears, no one to tell me it's all going to be okay. He was my first Dominant, He was the first man i truly trusted to care for me and protect me. i was sure He was going to be 'the one'. i gave Him everything i had at the time and it still wasn't enough. all i know is that i can't deal with all this emotional confusion, all this loneliness, by myself for much longer. i'm not strong enough to do this alone...

i just want Someone to share all the small and beautiful things of the world with. That’s all i’m searching for, yet it seems so impossible. And every time i think i’ve found Him, He turns around and breaks my heart and leaves me lying on the floor in a million pieces; a heap of broken, jagged pieces that i alone must pick up and reassemble, hopefully in the right order without leaving any holes, praying that the next time it will be different; and once i think i have myself at least functional, i walk down the same lonely path, straying among the shadows and stumbling in the dark, walking the fine line between being numb and alive, hoping one day i’ll bump into the next guy who will lead me to peace and love; hoping He’ll save me, hoping He’ll love me despite my poorly patched, fragile cracks and scars and that someday i’ll be happy.

having a hard time. i'm still attached to Him and our would-be one year anniversary is in the next few weeks, which only makes it harder for me. every time i think about Him all these feelings come rushing back and it's hard for me to contain them all. today i broke down. i'm still not ready to lose Him and i'm afraid that's what i'm doing. i can't lose Him and never have Him in my life. i still have the smallest glimmer of hope that it might work, and that's what has me so confused. i love Him, i honestly do, with every fiber of my being which is what makes this so damn hard. i'm on the verge of a break down, walking that fine line between functional and non-functional. everyday is a struggle. i keep thinking if i have someone else to fill that void, vanilla or not, that maybe i'll be able to let go, but with no one in sight the emptiness just grows and pushes me closer to the edge. i don't know what else to do.

i miss the way He knew how to balance both sides of me. He understood that even when i was in my "adult" state, that the "little" me was never far away. He knew He could call me "His dirty slut" and "fuck puppet" during playtime, He probably even suspected i enjoyed it, which i did, but most importantly He knew that after playtime my "little" side was vulnerable and He knew perfectly how to comfort her. i really miss His aftercare.

i miss the way He yielded the whip and the way He forcefully, yet somehow gently, kissed my skin with it's leather. i miss the way He curled His finger around the O-ring in my collar and pulled me closer to Him, the way He whispered in my ear. i miss sitting blindfolded and bound, knowing He was there but unaware of what He had planned. i miss the anticipation of His punishment which excited me and scared me at the same time.

i miss so many things, so many of His mannerisms; but what i miss the most, what i want more than anything, is the Man Himself. i miss Him. i want Him.

just thinking about the way He used to look at me, the way He used to smile, the way His voice was tender but rough when He called me names during playtime, the way He held me....just remembering the way things were makes my heart sink and makes me wish i had Him back again

time spent alone on my days off from work only gives me time to think about how lonely i am, which in turn deflates any sense of hope or happiness i had, which makes me sleep to escape the heartache...

so many emotions; confused, hopeful, nervous. i want so much to believe that it will work, that it's a step in the right direction. i am so hopeful, but at the same time so nervous that it will all come to an end and i will hurt all over again. i'm trying so hard to keep myself from being overly clingy, from being bothersome, but this is something i've waited for for five months, and now that it's happened i can't help but want more. it's taking ever fiber of my being to keep myself under control, to keep my hopes at bay and to control my urge to constantly check in with Him. i just want it to work so much....i'm tired of being used and abandoned. i just want it to work just this once....please God let it work out.

when Y/your worst fear is affirmed and Y/your hopes for the future are whittled away to almost nonexistence, all the changes Y/you made, all the weight Y/you lost, all the scars Y/you worked so hard to heal in order to become more attractive seem futile and Y/you feel like falling back to Y/your old ways...

Didn't i give it all? Tried my best. Gave You everything i had, everything and no less. Didn't i do it right? Did i let You down? Maybe You got too used to having me around. Still how can You walk away from all my tears? It's gonna be an empty road without me right here. But go on and take it, take it all with You. Don't look back at this crumbling fool. Just take it all with my love. Take it all with my love. Maybe i should leave to help You see nothing is better than this and this is everything W/we need. So is it over? Is this really it? You're giving up so easily, i though You loved me more than this. But go on and take it, take it all with You. Don't look back at this crumbling fool. Just take it all with my love. Take it all with my love. i will change if i must, slow it down and bring it home, i will adjust. Oh, if only, if only You knew. Everything i do is for You. But go on and take it, take it all with You. Don't look back at this crumbling fool. Just take it, take it all with You. Don't look back at this crumbling fool. Just take it all with my love. Take it all with my love. Take it all with my love.