lalbobbilynn on Collarspace

"Morning All ............. how is everyone??" Grumbles, grunts .......... yes well .......... that says far more than a blow by blow, verbally vivid painted picture!!!

IS Monday ..........

Manager is mumbling about community service .............. finally she really looks at me and says: "Go out back and take a look, bobbi."

Mmmmmmmmmm .......... first instinct ........... "why? What is out there?"

Much more stern, my manager say: "JUST Go ......... look ............ok?"

Ummmmmmmmm .......... second instinct ......... "ummmmmmmm, wait ......... ok, ......... i ......... is Max back there?? i do not want to look, just tell me, i do not want to see ............ fucking Monday-mayhem-shit-fire-to-save-matches, where in all that is Holy is my coffee ........... come on ............... just .............. what the............ "

"Bobbi, GO LOOK NOW, than come see me."

Go through three doors, allowing my neck to do the cobra roll as i get through door two (out of my managers eyesight of course!), mumbling under my breath ............. "la, la, la, la, Jimmy crack corn, and i don't care ......... no matter what i see ............. Jimmy is a crack-head who smokes corn and i DO NOT CARE!!!!"

To late!

Walk past the first two play-pens ............ see two dogs in the last play-pen .......... Labs .......... one Black, one Golden ........ cool .......... walk back up the sidewalk seperating the outside runs connected to the building from the play-pens ............. looking at the cage cards more closely (yet not close enough i will later learn)................ stop dead in my tracks at the middle/second play-pen .............

Way, way to late now ...............

MOTHER of MARY ............ before i even know i am doing it i have opened the gate to the play-pen ........ i say his name ............. i can not see him as i am calling out to his being ............ he is coiled into the largest dog house ......... he steps out and i loose my balance ......... i lean against the fence, and stand with my hand on the gate door ........... he saunters over to me ..............

Jesus, i am speaking directly to You .......... go get the spirit of Tyson ............ Your Daddy(Dearest Lord in Heaven) knows i need him to back me up here Jesus!!!!!

Sonny ........... an all white SOLID 120lb of hulking Shepard walks right up to me .......... he is .......... if NOTHING else.......... COLOSSAL.......... i swear, he is a guard dog for the Heavens!!!! Mmmmmmmm, he and i will be most in tune .......... this i feel from his ever penetrating gaze .......... a rather loving aura about him engulfs me as he begins to corner me, wagging his tail!!!

i allow Sonny to take his fill of me, as i gently slide down the fence, and my hand falls free of the gate ........... resting on the whole of his back ........... listening to his heartbeat with my fingers, feeling his body language with my fore arm .............. i am so low, he is so copious, Sonny is now looking down on me!! i turn my head to the side, so as not to look at Sonny directly ............. he sniffs my face, and than licks my cheek .......... sniff, than licks my nose ............... sniff, than licks my forehead .................

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck ..............

Do put a fork in me .............. am soooooooooooo done!!!! Game over!!!!!!!!!!!! My heart is no longer mine!!

Walk back in the office ............ "You are so jovial this morning manager lady .......... could You tell me ............. how do i MANAGE to get my heart back now??!!!!!"

One look ............ five words ........... "Owner turn in ............. Heart-worm positive."

One look volleyed back ........... four words fall out of my pie-hole, and give way to my Hoof n Mouth disease .......... "Fuck You ............. i quit." i calmly walk out of the office, and go hide in Sonny's cage.

i can do this ........... make this right .............. for Sonny, for the here and now ........... for yester-year ............. for ...........

Tyson.

B.~

~Going Back, to Go Forward~1-22-2007

Has been dreary, and cold to the bone since yesterday. i awoke at three am this day ............... finished my third book since Friday. More often than not, my inability to sleep allows me these haphazard moments to propel myself within the other worlds of a book. Could not give You a clue as to why i sped through Irving, Tolstoy, Keller, Storm, Goethe, and Fontane (the latter three a collection of short stories).

Hmmmmmmmm ........... wandering back so i may venture forward.

I meet with the board members of the SPCA last week. Seems i was not all "that" insulting upon my final departure some three years back. Coffee and cookies were the snack for this meeting, as opposed to crow pie! Luck of the Irish was with me, i am sure!!!

On this sure to be overcast morn, i look into my yard and focus on a crude, yet sturdy cross............. my thoughts jog back to a most unbecoming moment for me while i was manager of the SPCA over four years ago.

i walk in the SPCA on that most unassuming of days ............. greeted by three workers janked to the high heaven.

"Bob bbbbbbbbi............ something special came in while You were enjoying Your day off."

i smile that gracious smile ........... that shit covering smile! As if.............. probably a black bear hit on the highway again.

"He's in the last run in the back!"

HE .................. hmmmmmmmmmm, this could be MOST uplifiting! i throw open the door to the back room, turned left, and slowly apporach the last run on the right.

HE ........... every molecule of HIM lurches at me, teeth shining from the over-head lights, ears laid flat, coat standing taller than others upon a first greeting. HE ....... bounces off the gate door, shaking it, falls back he does, and returns again with more intensity ............. he keeps at it, and never stammers. HE .......... is beyond incensed.

FUCKING ........... W.O.W ............. i do believe my heart just fluttered!!!!!!

HE was my kinda dog!!!! German Shepard. Markings didn't matter, nor the slop of the hips ......... i was caught up in .......... HIM.

i turn and see them all standing at the door i left open .................. i smile my huge cheesy grin, and say over HIS seething anger.......... "i'll be a tad busy for awhile, can everything be handled??" Bug-eyed, they all just nod, and close the door.

i sit down one foot away from HIS door ............. he would not stop with his rant. Is quite fine by me, we all need to vent ............. and as certain as i am writing these very words, i do so know how he felt.

i kept my legs tucked Indian style, my hands atop my knees, my head down; however, i could still see him. i spoke low, and ever so gently. That enraged him all the more. This exchange went on for an hour ................. than ......... i pushed.

i moved closer to the gate door ............... sitting sideways, knees drawn to my chin, hands atop my knees, head bent .............. able to see him out of my side eye. HE had been barking heatedly for an hour straight, i knew he would fold soon.

i digress, not to soon!
HE backed up, and rammed the gate, trying to chew through the metal. i kept talking, never, EVER moving.......... no matter what. He kept insisting by way of barking, snarling, and spitting HIS protests that i was wasting my time. Hour two was coming to a close.

Finally ............ backed into the corner, yet ever watching me .......... HE never faltered in letting me know he was not pleased. At the very least, he never ceased with this low gut orginating growl. i laid on my side on the cement floor, and took one small chance (huge really) .................. i laced my fingers into the metal door. i wiggled them at him, i implored him to come closer.

i looked this de-lovely sqaure in the eye, and spoke to him ............. "Babe, come on now. Is most unfair that all have given up on You; yet i am here, no matter how much You try to push me away. i know You silly boy, for i was, sometimes still am ........... You. i know anger, and i know fear, dearest One .............. just please ......... take just one more chance." HE wanted the treat i was shaking, so i gently volleyed it in. HE sniffed, ever curious .......... i lobbed another, and than pretended to eat one myself.

Bingo!!!! HE inched out of the corner ............. i stayed laying down ............ still talking to him. At the end of hour three i was in his cage ........... door closed, my back facing out ........... HIM in the corner facing me, head bobbing due to being so spent from our encounter.

Is most encompassing being such a billy-bad-ass, a boy????

i was his chosen one ............. and HE was Tyson. He would allow no others within biting range of his being ......... nor within range of my being.

Once when i was in his cage, trying to let him sniff a lead i wanted to put him on, a Board Member came around the corner, and stood a foot from his run ......... she needed to ask me something or another ................ Tyson lurched for her, the problem being i was closest to the cage door. Tyson stopped just short (of his own accord) from snapping my nose off. She tried shushing him .......... he became enraged that she did not respect his space. i asked her to step back so he could not see her, and in my most shaky alto voice (i am a mezzo), i told him "Down Tyson and No Tyson". He relented, only after looking me deep in my soul ............ letting me know he would never truly let go of his fight ........... for whatever extremely excellent reason he had.

Tyson was a year and a half old ................ he tested positive for heartworms on day three, and no matter what rescue i turned to, not a one would even consider him. He had been turned in by his owner ............ aggressive (he had been kept his whole life in a yard, alone) was the reasoning.

By the rules of the SPCA i worked at, Tyson was to either go up for adoption after three days (since he was turned in by an owner), or euthinazed .......... he was sentenced to the latter for being heartworm positive, and aggressive. i was given a slight stay of exucution for eleven more days.

At all costs ................ Know Your limits .......... inside and out.

i would clear the rooms of people i was walking Tyson through to get him outside ............ funny (not really) those snooty cats did not even faze Tyson!! We went on long walks down the railroad tracks ................... he was rather relaxed when on a lead. He allowed Eric to stand near me, but he could not touch me or Tyson would merely growl.

i pushed REALLY hard. Show me what You want to be Tyson.

i asked Eric to bring Antonio up to the shelter (Eric was certain i had no idea where this animals limits were). i had Tyson on a thirty foot lead ........... i asked Antonio to play in the gravel. i was fifty feet from Antonio ............. i pulled Tyson back in, slowly towards me ................. remember this if You please .......... if an animal is close, less damage can be done. Tyson was by my side and looking at Antonio ........... we walked .............. stopped ............. Tyson pulled ever so little on me. When i was twenty feet from Antonio, i started to circle Tyson .............. small circles ............. letting out the lead at a set point ............... as soon as Tyson was parralell to Antonio. i told Antonio to not look up, not to pay any mind (Eric was standing three feet from Antonio) to Tyson. Within eight minutes, Tyson was within biting (or licking!) range of my son's head. Neither one had a problem with the other .............. did not matter ....... for i knew in my heart of hearts, i could never trust Tyson alone with my son. That is the point of it all .......... trust.

i heard the clank of the outside fence gate .........my asst manager. i pulled Tyson in.

She just looked at me, than at Tyson. "Bobbi, ummmmm, the ummmmm, the Board Members, ummmmmm ..................."

i looked down at Tyson, "when?", i asked .

She looked me dead in my heart ............. "when You have a day off if You.............."

"AS IF. Are they smoking that Cheech and Chong stuff? NO, no, no, no ............ NO. Fine. Okay. Right. i ............... Pile of unrighteous shit this is (i knew they were right)......... and it is a steaming pile no less (i loathed this right i had to wrong). i .......... i will do it. Go back in and tell them i will do it in one hour."

I asked Eric to call my best friend from Virginia Beach, Dave. i have known Dave since i was 19, and we have been the BEST of friends since.

When Dave arrived, i turned and walked in the shelter ......... was way past closing time, yet everyone had stayed. i took Tyson into the euth room ................ and went to the back room where the sedation, and euth meds were kept in a safe. Prior to getting there i had to walk past two Board Members i meet with last week ............ i do not recall the exact wording but i said something along the lines of: "You Fucking, suck ......... get the Fuck out of my way ........... i Fucking loath You two ............ go Fuck Yourselves .............. get Fucked ........... this is far beyond Fucked up .......... You two need to be Fucked over ........... and You Fucking smell" ............. ahhhh well, You get the idea. Upon exiting the back room with the meds ........ again with the aforementioned comments. One does not say such things to Southern Ladies. Wrong as i was, right as they were ............... they never had euthed an animal. Other animals with less potential, and more problems had been allowed to stay at the shelter longer than Tyson ............. the scales of justice would never tip in Tyson's favor.

Do ask me if i gave a flying Fuck how i flunked manners for that day.

My asst manager and three workers were standing in the dog room ............. "We are not going to let You do this alone Bobbi .............. what can we do??" i drew the sedation, and handed the needle to my asst manager. "i am going in the room ............. i will count to ten, my back will be to the door, i will have Tyson in a hold .................. leave the door open when You enter, stick his hind leg, than step out and close the door." She just nodded.

i went in .............. knelt down ............ trying hard as i could NOT to shake ............ as i ALWAYS do .......... i drew Tyson close, wrapped an arm around his neck near his head, and one around his abdomen. i heard the door open ............ i felt Tyson tense, and attempt to move away from my torso ................. he yelped, and i began to cry, and shake uncontrollable. My asst manager was gone in a flash. i let Tyson loose, and i just hung my head ............... yet still Tyson came back to me. Less than one hundred and twenty seconds later, his back legs began to sway, i caught Tyson right before he started to melt. i kicked the door leading into the dog room like a mule thumping on a barn door. Four people came rushing into the room .......... i held my hand up ........... they stopped and Tyson fell into my lap ............... whining, and looking up into my very soul.

The door leading outside flung open, and there stood Eric, and Dave. i grabbed Tyson's limp head, pulling him up to my face .............. his tongue fell out, and i starting sobbing so hard, i almost vomited............... everyone was crying. i asked for the euth med ............. Eric and Dave had a hand each on both of my shoulders, imploring me to let someone else finish. My asst manager was on her kness, whispering she would do it ................ "would i please just go now??" (leave NOW......... when this was probably harder for him, than it was for me .......... AS IF) i took the needle .............. leand over Tyson, and said: "Babe, i am so sorry, i know You tried, and i did as well. Was not good enough, so it seems. Thank You .......... for trusting me, changing me ............. for teaching me so very much."

We all stayed with Tyson for thirty more minutes, than Eric and Dave loaded Tyson's remains into Dave's truck, and brought him here ......... they buried Tyson in this backyard for me ............. after it was all said and done ........... i sat there ............ next to his grave .............. until the next morn. i chose to, i will just say ............. i rarely ever allowed myself the luxury to cry again when having to do such a task. Later ............. ahhhhhhhh yes, almost EVERYDAY.

Is a most bitter pill to swalllow knowing You let another being down ............... especially when they trusted You with all they had. This being opening up allowed me to do so as well. i have never, ever loved another being so much .......... so deeply in such a short amount of time.

Tyson rests next to Excalibur ................... the two who choose me ........... the two who always trusted me ......... counted on me ............... needed me as much as i needed them. Tyson's ragged collar is in the attic in the box with all the cards and letters i keep.

i have yet to own another dog to date, nor have i allowed another to own my heart to date. Have been a good many close calls!!! ............ yet still, i seem unable to give what i know said animal deserves ............... unconditional LOVE.

As last weeks meeting was drawing to a close, one of the Board Members i so horribly unloaded on some four years back regarding Tyson said: "well Bobbi, we are quite pleased to have You back. i will have to bring Chyenne up to see You again ............. You do remember, don't You?? You know .......... the collie that would not eat due to her extreme fear of the world as a whole, .......... so You fed her by hand ............ morning, noon, and night for two weeks straight??? You know Bobbi .............. You called her Miss Chy ............ i adopted her, and would bring her up to see You every so often at the shelter?!!?!!?!!?"

Going back can be horrid ............... nevertheless, it affords us the chance to relive moments that are over shadowed ( lost in the umbra) by the more gigantic losses. We lose sight ......... at times ............. about what propelled us forward in the first place.

Going back is most painfully-sweet ............ if we allow it ............. makes going forward so very clear.

The day will be cold and overcast ............ my core is warmed by certain areas of my past, ............ my thoughts are crystal clear as i head back to work at the SPCA today.

B.~