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lalbobbilynn

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lalbobbilynn

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Please do not whitewash your inherent faults with your acquired virtues. I would have the faults; they are like mine own.

Sand and Foam, Kahlil Gibran; 1926



Given ........


thus Taken

b.~
***WARNING: Any institutions or individuals using this site or any of its associated sites for studies or projects - You DO NOT have permission to use any of my profile or pictures in any form or forum both current and future. If you have or do, it will be considered a violation of my privacy and will be subject to legal ramifications. It is recommended that other members post a similar notice to this or you may copy and paste this one.*** CHEERS
Had a lovely time at Cafe Sapori in West Palm Beach; alas all is locked & loaded..... back to the busy.

Storms center me so . . .

Levitate me yet keep me grounded .....

The warm weather followed me North to Chi-town ..... love, love, LOVE that city!! Alas, its great to be home ;)

ERIN GO GRAUGH .. ... .. ...

looking forward to a mini vacation in New Orleans this weekend..... hoping i can bring some warmth and sunshine back ;)

just a hello and hoping You are well ...  .... 

~ i am a submissive OF the world, in no way am i a submissive TO the world. ~

Is this why i stay away so long??? So that i may return to this grand stand filled to the brim with POO?!!?

Truly You jest, for You know not that which You utter so carelessly my most absent minded pontificater. Jocular really!

Dare i ask ........ Do You play chess? My 6y/o does ...... and thanks to ME .... a WOMAN, my daughter also speaks French, Spanish, American Sign Language, and Japanese.

Keep in mind kind Sir that if it were not for a WOMAN You Yourself would be unable to stand up right, let alone walk, not to mention urinate in a bowl .....

It seems a necessity for You to keep women in a lowly position ....... without a woman's back to stand upon You most assuredly would be unable to reach YOUR TRUE POTENTIAL.

And lastly my sweetest ......... on a biblical sense ....... God came to Mary FIRST regarding the birth of HIS son ...... Joesph was ever so secondary. Adding insult to injury, Mary Magdalene was the FIRST to witness the resurrection of Christ .......... go figure.

Bantering to and fro with the likes of You on the never ending topic of war would be akin to debating the logical point of last call with a drunk ......... useless at best.

As for my plans this coming summer .......... not much, i assure You .......... as You wander aimlessly i suppose i shall alter YOUR future, and that of the universe as a whole while teaching MY FEMALE child to envelope empathy, patience, and a heap of humor so that SHE shall be well equipped when dealing with intensely limited, and wholly inane folk as Yourself .

Sir .................. ??? ........... are You able to grasp, ever so slightly even ........ the WOMAN who is raising MY 6y/o child? Is a very obvious tell as to the WOMAN I AM CREATING, would You not agree??

i do so humbly thank You for Your contribution ............ i shall use Your limited means as best i can to further the endless advancement of MY 6y/o.

Ohhhhhhh and might i add, in the event You ever had the honor to meet MY 6y/o so as to banter politics, dare i say my de-lovely ......... MY FEMALE child would without a doubt baby bitch slap You seven ways to Sunday with her razor sharp debating skills.

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiighs ........................

i'm bored ......... roll with me Sir .......... You are able to keep up, are You not???

i know this may be a tad much, rubbing salt in Your self imposed wounds ........ nevertheless ....... helpful one that i am ........ i am utterly positive MY 6y/o FEMALE daughter would ever so sweetly point out that You mis-spelled "absence", "apparently", and there is no ACTUAL word known as "alot" ........ i can dumb this down further Sir .......... kinda along the lines of "got" ........... often used, with no meaning whatsoever. A final note on Your .......... hmmmmmmmmm ......... let's go with ......... Your attempt to communicate with me ......... that 6y/o FEMALE child of mine .......... although she is in kindergarten, she does read at a 2nd grade level; actually a 3rd grade level, but who is keeping track ......... and dare i say Sir ........ if i bothered her to read Your first passage .......... well, i shall just leave You with the image that You would NEVER shut her pie-hole, as she has a NEED to understand ........... is an abyss really .......... thus bringing the MOST Dominate of men to their knees ......... Jesus Lord in Heaven .......... just trust lil' ol' me Sir ........ i have been a witness to such events .......... she would eat You alive.

In all truthfulness ....... how ever could she not Sir? Submissive woman i most assuredly am ............ and it is in that realm wherein i fluff the wings of my young affording them ever single trait i lack ......... and when the time is right Sir .......... yes ...... well .........

Do tell ........ are You picking up what i am throwing down good man?? Who among MINE shall suffer fools??


Volley back when time permits.

b.~

*********** BTW i "allowed" my ex husband to name MY FEMALE child after a Queen for a reason.




Bah, women shouldn't be able to vote at all, let alone let your 5 year daughter old vote.  ;/  When women can be drafted, then they should be able to vote.  Not before.  ;0  I say we repeal women's right to vote.

Absense seems like that is the way its spelled.  ::shrug::  Appearantly Defence is spelled this way in England.  In USA, its Defense......

You are an attractive woman.  You live in a nice house?  ;/  Own horses?

I plan to go to the beach alot this summer......

Today i began to understand what love must be, if it exists .... When we are parted, we each feel the lack of the other half of ourselves. We are incomplete like a book in two volumes of which the first has been lost. That is what i imagine love to be: imcompleteness in abcense.

Edmond de Goncourt (1822-96) & Jules de Goncourt (1830-70) French Writers; The Goncourt Journals (1886-96; repr. in Pages from the Goncourt Journals, ed by Robert Baldick, 1962) entry for 15 Nov. 1859

b.~

HAPPY EASTER 2 U & URS!!
Closer

You let me violate you ... 
You let me desecrate you ...
You let me penetrate you ...
You let me complicate you ...

Help me ...
I broke apart my insides
 
Help me ...
Ive got no soul to tell

Help me ...
The only thing that works for me

Help me ...
Get away from myself

I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to God

You can have my isolation ...
You can have the hate that it brings ...
You can have my absence of faith ... 
You can have my everything ...

Help me ...
Tear down my reason
 
Help me ...
Its your sex i can smell

Help me ...
You make me perfect

Help me ...
Become somebody else

I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to God

Through every forest .. 
Above the trees ...
Within my stomach ... 
Scraped off my knees ...
I drink the honey inside your hive ...
You are the reason I stay alive
Lingering in the good-byes ... the political correct respectability we offer unto another .....  long after we have parted ...... i hear Your wicked whispers upon my neck  ...... i find Your gaze in my minds eye ...... the ghost of Your touch upon my being makes my breath catch ... the rapture of You makes my soul ache  ...............

i light up and shine on.

b.~
Monday Mail ......... yawns ..........


U bore me ..........


I sneak in your house and I throw you one the floor and I quickly tie your hands behind you. I gag you and I then start to spank you ass. I take my cock out and I shove it in your ass, as I tell you what a nasty little cunt you are. I pull my cock out and I walk around to your face, remove the gag, and I shove my cock down your throat gagging you. I remind you how bad your punishment is if you puke on my cock. I slap your face with my cock, as I pull your hair. Do not question your Master my dirty cunt. I pull my cock out of your throat as I say, You do not deserve your Master's cum yet, as you have not proven yourself to be a dirty slut yet today. Are you ready to prove yourself today? You beg me to let you show me how nasty of a cunt toy you can be, so I untie you and force you to put on a dress with no bra and no panties. We get in the car, and the whole drive to our destination I rub and pull on your clit, bringing you to a peak, but not allowing you to cum. This is one of my favorite ways to torment you and I take great pleasure in it. We pull into a run down auto shop in the downtown area. You hands are still tied behind you, so I walk to the passenger side of the car and I drag you out by the hair and then grab your arms. I smile devilishly at you as I say you will be a good whore dog or I will hurt you as you have never been hurt before. You will do everything I tell you to do if you ever wish to be released my whore dog! Inside the 6 black guys are sitting around and laughing and joking around, waiting on the nasty white slut I promised them. I take you to the back area, and I then pull your dress off. You stand there naked in front 6 leering black men, who would never have a chance to touch a white piece of ass like you. I tell the guys I will trade work on the car for your asshole, which is open and ready for abuse. They have one rule, they must all cum in your mouth! I push you into them as I say Show your Master your worth my dog cunt! You start to pull their cocks out of their pants and you start sucking black cock. I pull out the video camera to record how well your serve me, so we can review it later and see if you could have been a better whore dog. The guys are pawing at you and trying to shove their huge black cocks in your mouth. Your pussy is wet and they quickly start fucking your little pussy. I look at them and I tell them your asshole is a perfect little white girl ass and to make sure the abuse it good. They are slapping you around and calling you a white slut as they bust all your holes with their huge black cocks. Tears are in your eyes, but I can tell you love it! They fuck you for almost an hour, each one fucking your asshole then cumming in your mouth. At the end, you are a ravaged little white girl full of black cum, like the nasty little cunt you are. I walk over to you and I lift you up and help you put your dress on. I smile at you and say Master is very proud of you as I walk you back to the car. You have done well and i look forward to forcing you to serve me again. You cannot run and you cannot hide from me so you will serve me for the rest of your life. One day maybe it will be willingly, but if not so be it. You are my piece of meat now my whore dog!



Dear Sir,

ROTFLMFAO .......... i read only the first sentence, Sir ........ then i would be grabbing my taser and shocking Your minute cock into its turtleshell  ........... stick Your thumb in Your arss and yell snake Sir, something is bound to happen!!!

BTW ....... i have faced down dogs with more intensity then Your passage ...... being a whore-be-otch keeps me in stellar company!

Regards~
b.~



i humbly give thanks so much thought was allowed unto me ......... yeah .... not really!
Let's fuck so i can tell folks we have found a common ground ................ b.~

Ok, ok ...... so i have not been writing as such as usual .... life gets in the way from time to time, as it does for all of us.

I'm the one You use so please don't push me away .......... a random thought via the singer Blondie.

Heart of glass contradicts itself, yet says more in two words then most say in an evening.

Had a dream wherein You and i met last evening ........ was epic, and quite intense. When i awoke i willed myself back to slumber ..... the thought i had upon waking was the one i used to spring board me back to You(throwing myself back into a just had dream is somethingi have been able to do since i was a child) .............. i lingered in that place and space where You and i could be together .......... if only for ten more minutes. Was soothingly painful .... like You.

b.~

smile ...

The book is man's best invention so far.

~Carolina Maria de Jesus~

Write a page in History ...........

VOTE.

b.~

P.S.
In the event You so choose to NOT vote, please feel free to pass that most honored privlage to my 5y/o. She is quite amiss that she must wait thirteen years until she has a right to such a humbling act.
Nothing like a peeved 5y/o with a set political agenda!!!!!!!

Born to push you around
Better just stay down
You pull away
He hits the flesh
You hit the ground

Mouth so full of lies
Tend to black your eyes
Just keep them closed
Keep praying
Just keep waiting

Waiting for the One
The day that never comes
When you stand up and feel the warmth
But the sun shine never comes, No

No, the sun shine never comes

Push you cross that line
Just stay down this time
Hide in yourself,
Crawl in yourself,
You’ll have your time

God I’ll make them pay
Take it back one day
I’ll end this day
I’ll splatter color on this gray

Waiting for the One,
The day that never comes
When you stand up and feel the warmth
But the sun shine never comes

Love is a four-letter word
And never spoken here

Love is a four-letter word
Here in this prison

I suffer this no longer,
I’ll put an end to this I swear
This I swear

The sun will shine
This I swear
This I swear
THIS I SWEAR!!!

~The Day That Never Comes .... Metallica~

b.~
Entry for October 26, 2008

I simply adore my new boots and shoes .......... i look so flippin HAWT i am certain to fuck myself tonight!!!!!

What ever can i say .........

Gotta love what a few new pair of shoes does!!!!!

b.~

We fly ever so close my love ........... You are looking, nevertheless You don't see ..........

i observe from my usual perch ....... cloaked in the shadows .........

Just the other evening i sat upon a swing in the city park as moon beams kissed my insatiable giggles while i kicked the constellations.

You looked, but You didn't see.

i did a penny drop from the monkey bars, and spun myself about until i fell over in the wood chips, holding my side for fear i would split in two!

You looked, but You didn't see.

i was in awe as i moved closer and closer to a raccoon that was taken with my stealth movements ..........

Then i heard the first shot breeze through the branches above my head ............. then another ............ i tilt my head like a dog hearing a high pitch whistle ............. then a third shot ........

me:

"ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?? I AM A 38Y/O WOMAN IN A CITY PARK WITH HER 13Y/O SON; I AM TRYING TO TALK SOME VERY SERIOUS WORLD-LY SHIT HERE, AND YOU DICK-LESS MOMMA'S BOYS' ARE SHOOTING A WANNA-BE GUN OFF IN CITY LIMITS.

I SWEAR TO FUCKING CHRIST YOU BETTER KILL ME YOU FUCKING LITTLE BITCHES, CAUSE I AM GONNA FUCK UP ALL FIVE OF YOU."

My son beseeches me to close my pie hole ...... he heads to our van, and urges me to do the same.

"OHHHHHHHH HELL NO SON ........... "

"CALL THE PO-PO MOTHER-FUCKERS CAUSE I AM GONNA KICK YOUR PUNK ASSES ALL OVER THIS FUCKING PARKING LOT. I SWEAR TO THE FUCKING HEAVENS ...... SAY A HAIL MARY YOU LITTLE FUCKS ...... I HAVE HAD MY FILL OF CRANIAL-RECTAL INFUSIONS THIS WEEK."

i jump from the top of the slide and come out of the shadows ........

The five teen boys just stare .......... then they get in their car, and exit the park without so much as a peep.

"Holy shit mom .......... i can't believe You did that!!!"

You look, but You don't see .............

me.

Is not about being submissive ........ is about being my authentic self .......

24/7.

b.~

****** My son learned far more then he had ever hoped to on that eve last week!

Entry for October 19, 2008

To Whom It may Concern,

My name is bobbilynn and i am not a bonehead ....... usually!

Last evening my phone decided to venture to the place where "The Streets Have No Name" ........ yes i am listening to U2!!!!

Anyway ........... As a result ........ my annual calendar, and every phone number has evaporated into that place my children frequent ........... the Land of: i dunno!!!!

Sprint assured me this has never occurred with this international phone .......... ever. i began to laugh as if i had taken an express train to Looney-ville. When i composed myself ..... i respectfully begged to differ .......... as it happened to ME .......... just last flippin nite.

My point in sharing ............ be a dear when and if time permits, and please send me Your number(s) again ..... via text, IM, email or simply just phone me.

i humbly thank You in advance ....... truly.

b.~

it doesn't mean much
it doesn't mean anything at all
the life I've left behind me
is a cold room
I've crossed the last line
from where I can't return
where every step I took in faith
betrayed me
and led me from my home

and sweet
sweet surrender
is all that I have to give

you take me in
no questions asked
you strip away the ugliness
that surrounds me
are you an angel
am I already that gone
I only hope
that I won't disappoint you
when I'm down here
on my knees

and sweet
sweet
sweet surrender
is all that I have to give

sweet
sweet
sweet surrender
is all that I have to give

and I don't understand
by the touch of your hand
I would be the one to fall

I miss the little things
oh I miss everything

it doesn't mean much
it doesn't mean anything at all
the life I left behind me
is a cold room

***Sweet Surrender by Sarah McLachlan/Surfacing


b.~
Deliberate observation as one meditates the speculative purpose of consideration .........

Closer ........ not under, but atop ones' nose!

........... The above ten words are an example of a  short-coming of mine. i took one thought ....... one word actually, and clustered fucked it into a smoke and mirrors effect .......... i was musing the lexical "contemplation" with respects to a very specific line of thought. As in ......... i was contemplating the actions, deeds, and moreover the vernacular of another.

When You know better ......... You do better.


A work in progress.

b.~
You have to love 2 Live Crew, Ice Cube, Jay-Z, Run-DMC and a subwoofer!!!
Beauty is that harmony between joy and sorrow which begins in our holy of holies and ends beyond the scope of our imagination.

KG-P-93

~The Wisdom of Gibran~
Edited and Translated by Joseph Sheban


b.~

*There must be something strangely sacred in salt. It is in our tears and in the sea.

*Our most sacred tears never seek our eyes.

Kahlil Gibran; Sand and Foam, 1926

b.~

Don't Sweat Me

"i am worried" .............

Not THAT jocular .......... nevertheless, those who have known me for decades know this ........... worry is quite wasted on the likes of me ........... for several reasons, but mainly because ......... i AM a fighter.

It is not MY choice to reckon with such a force, but rather the force is compelled to reckon me ............. to BE ........... exactly that ..........

A force to reckon WITH.

Is a slow process, work with me here darlin' .......... fucking relax all damn ready!!

Is all about sentence structure, word CHOICE, and most importantly ......... the stress's that lie there in ......... are You pickin up what i am throwin' down?!!?

i shall dance again ........... it just won't be atop Your table .......... unless i have had a few Long Island Iced Teas!!!

Darkly stained dead pan humor does not go over to well in this format!

Come here darlin' ................ i wanna tell ya a lil secret ...........

Tell me how ya want it ................ ummmmmmmmmm, i KNOW U gonna like it!

DON'T ....... mmmmmmmmmmm ........... STOP!

Take away the pain ......... mmmmmmmmm ...........

With Your hands around me ..... i don't have to fight it ..... not anymore. You got me  .......... simply ......... breathless .......pulsating ......... shaking to my very core .........


i cum because of U.

Take me outta my fucking brain darlin' .......... mmmmmmmm ........ pleeeeease?!!!!!

The freedom of flight my tears afford me is indescribable darlin' ......... mmmmmmmmm .......... teach me to fly, won'tcha?!!

U down for the ride?!!?

Are YOU the force ............. that reckons me ........... to BE?!!?

****falls off the bed laughing ...... !!

b.~

Did i insult You with my music choice in my last journal entry........... lmao ......... i would recommend You build a bridge and get over Yourself!

Also, the song i choose is NOT rap. Said song is hip-hop. There is a HUGE difference. Rap does come from hip-hop, nevertheless they are highly unique.
Is said hip-hop came first from Jamaica in the 60's and rap came from inner cities in the 70's.
Not all hip-hop is or has rap in the lyrics, and vice versa.

Is similar to this analogy ........ i was talking to a friend in horticulture. He explained to me that cacti are also succulent, nevertheless, all succulent are NOT cacti ........ does that help???

Jocular how labels bring out the worst in folks!

"Church" is one of my most favored songs to sling my sweat to (dance to) ........ right up there with "Sad but True" by Metallica. 

Everyone has a story and a means to tell said story ........ relax ...... and free Your mind of labels.

This i know to be true ........ if i ever had to listen to Slim Whitman again i am certain my ears would bleed, resulting in my head imploding!!!!



b.~


P.S. Keep this at the forefront of Your mind ............ things, as well as people, are rarely as You see ........... this date ....... for seventeen years, was my wedding anniversary. Passive aggressive??? ........ very possible ........ the previous days' entry suits me far better then backing over my ex's brand new Harley, or accidentally bumping into my ex with my taser!!!

Just sayin' ..........   :)

~House of Worship~

Pssssssssssssssssssssst ........... come with me ............ lets go to CHURCH, shall we?!!!!!!?

Ladies and Gentlemen
You already know what it is
Ok, Yea, Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww shit
Im tryin to run in this mutherfcka
Im tryin to anyways
Got two hard lookin mutherfckers
Ca mon

I was tryin to enjoy ma night but you then came here
Turned around looked mighty happy fore you came here
I then turn into a rude dude
Why you had to fuck up the night now we got to fight ima knock out ya lights

You aint doin nuthing but runnin ya yapp yapp
You got to got to go get a couple homeboy i am strapped strapped
I then turn into a rude dude man
Why you had to fuck up the night now we got to fight ima knock out ya lights

Dope little lady tryin to hold you back you better listen to her
She better not talk that shit ima have to put some piss right through her
I then turn into a rude dude man
Why you had to fuck up the night now we got to fight ima knock out ya lights...Ca mon

[Chorus]
Yea, damm, You think you cool, you think im not you think you tough
Damm, you think you hard, you think im soft, you think you rough
Damm,You talkin shit, betta close your lips, you need to hush
Before the end of the night im gunna have to take your ass to church
[x2]

Its a Sunday at the park im chillin trying to get ma swerve on
Some little lane trying to run that game trying to get his serve on
I then turn into a rude dude man
Why you gotta fuck up the park ima put you in the dark clap on clap off

You aint doin nuthing but runnin your pie hole
You gon' make me do somethin thatta get eye swolln'
I dont wanna be a rude dude man
Why you gotta fuck up the park ima put you in the dark clap on clap off

If thats your car you need to go ahead and get into it
Better not talk that shit you gonna get bust something through it
I then turn into a rude dude man
Why you gotta fuck up the park gotta put you in the dark lights on lights off

[Chorus x2]

[Bridge]
Those niggas think they hard, so why they think im not
Until i put it hard and i show them what i got kinda like [gun shot] [mumbling]
Im like those niggas think they hard, so why they think im not
Until i put it hard and i show them what i got kinda like [gun shot] [mumbling]
Those bitches think they hard, so why they think im not
Until i put it hard and i show them what i got kinda like [gun shot] [mumbling]
Those bitches think they hard, so why they think im not
Until i put it hard and i show them what i got kinda like [ gun shot] [mumbling]....lets do it

[Chorus x2]

Lyrics to CHURCH by T-Pain featuring Teddy Verseti.

******* My music choice adversely confronts Your delicate sensibilities ........... go to CHURCH darlin', and pray to Your God i see the light!

b.~

There is a sacredness in tears. They are NOT the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently then ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief..... and unspeakable love."
~Washington Irving~1783-1859~



"Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?"
~Robert Browning~1812-1889~
Some things are just to ........ mmmmmmmm ............. is like being at a circus and waiting for the next side show!!!

Yet another email and my de-lovely response!


Sat 7/27/08 12:09am
Welp - I finally did it; I looked up Yum in my tum in the dictionary, and lo and behold found your photo next to it! Sigh... good grief, what knucklehead didn't see THAT coming. Geezo Peezo

-Sir


i must admit .... there was a delay in my response ....... i had to tinkle!!!!!!!!!!!!!



7/27/08 12:35am
Dear Sir,
i am compelled to respond to You in a most amusing manner Sir, given my level of boredom on this eve, now turned morning. i beseech You to not be to sore with me Sir. All in good fun, no?!!?

Do You read Japanese Sir?!!?
My next response will be in French ....... the one after shall be in Italian, and if i could be so lucky my dearest Dom-ly Sir ........ i will turn on my web-cam and send my final response in ASL.

May the vernacular of the universe be at Your beck and call good man!!!!!  :)

Truly~
b.~



私の親愛なる、
私はあなたの舌および頬の電子メールを翻訳し始めることができなかった. 私はほとんどの深く悔いたよい人、私物の言えないにだけしかし今のところできる自分自身である. 私は従って理解することを望みなさいか?

Reverentially~
bobbilynn


Ohhhh yes ......... well ...... this is the English version:

My Dearest Sir,
i could not even begin to translate Your tongue and cheek email. i am most contrite good man, i am only able to dumb myself down but so far. i do so hope You understand?

Reverentially~
bobbilynn


And so it goes .......... Lord have Mercy ........ i sure made a good call NOT paying for cable or dish ...... this is far superior!!!!!!

b.~


******
i do so adore when another does not take others' or themselves' so seriously!!!!

He volleyed back in stellar form with three emails ...... LMFAO ....... and as i stated, i returned his serve in as much as i stated i would ...... French!


Shhhhhhhhhhhh ......... utter not a word!!!!!

Suagr e spezia…. con tutte le cose piacevoli ..... è senza dubbio la ragazza con un'arricciatura…. tanto come è del lupo e dell'uomo. È appena ......






Some things in life are so predictable makes You wonder if You are related to Syliva Brown!!!!!!!!

An email and my response ..... i must admit .... i am such a flawed creature!!!



7/24 6:48pm
Hi. Where are you located?





7/24 9:19pm
My Dearest Sir,
If i happened to be standing in front of You good man, dare i say You would NOT have the state of mind to see me in all my glory.
May life deliver back that which You  .......... mmmmmmmmm ....... put out Sir!

Reverentially~
bobbilynn

P.S.
Since You seem to be challenged by way of simple directions allow me to point You to my photos Sir ....... the second one in particular. It is the Canis Lupus in the background i wish You to focus on Sir. Do You know anything about Wolves good man?????
i am highly schooled in them .... just another FYI Sir.
Toying with You Sir is like the Alpha bitch "scruffing" the Omega.
Volley back in good time Sir ....... if You are lacking intelligence on the Greek vernacular in the above statement, i will be more then honored to assist You in that regard as well Sir.
Awaiting Your response with bated breath Sir.

 

Be still my fragile heart ........ He wrote back!! (like i didn't see that coming!!) If only to tell me he has some REALLY MASSIVE DEGREE (with honors in well, he was honored!!), ......  ohhhhhhh and i am a dumb ass!!!

ROTFLMFAO ....... Lord have Mercy ... that was easier then i had thought!

i did try to volley back ...... i merely wished to share that He should consider taking a few Midol ........ does assist most bitches during their monthly! To no avail ......... little girly-man cock blocked me by way of BLOCKING me!!!!!

i laughed so blessed hard i fell off my bed!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some lil boyz just cannot handle a verbal sparing with a princess!!!
b.~
You ...........


The whisper on my lips ...... carried through space and time on the mystic Ocean breeze.
b.~
i suppose i should clarify a few areas here.

First off ........ the phrase: "i am taken" that is situated on my profile is there for two reasons. The first is ........ i desire to see how attuned YOU are to minute details. The statement is the THIRD line up from the bottom, and follows that which i quoted. The statement is my simplistic view of Gibran's prose ........ i am taken ....... Indeed, with and by Gibrans writing. IF it was meant to indicate that i am owned by a Dom/Master, such a statement should be at the top of my profile, and before any other thoughts i wish to share .......... IT IS NOT!!!!

Second ...... i do not state my city for various reasons. The most important reason for me is to see how respectful another is with regard to such a small piece of missing information. If from the jump off You can NOT respect the fact i have left my city blank, chances are You won't respect me on a larger scale. At this point the decision is mine to state my city. IF i desire You to know my location, trust that i am capable in sharing when and if i so choose.

Lastly ...... i usually address EVERYONE as Sir, and Ma'am. Has nothing to do with BDSM, Your self-imposed titles, or Your fragile, and narcissistic views of Your chronological age. FOR ME ...... is about simple humane respectability. i will afford You respect far before i will agree with, or even like You in an overall manner.

i do so hope this assists You in some fashion.


b.~
i am not settled as i am simply here ....... a new place again.

The geographical change does not adversely confront me as much as it seems to challenge my entire being.

i am consistent with respects to a few things in my life. One is i allow my children to spend time with my Clan no matter my involvement with one or even all sixty some of them. My family as a whole has much to offer my children and vice versa.

Since my Godfather's death a year and a half ago, my Clan has dissolved into a massive oozing lesion on the ass of my family history. i too have kept that laceration from healing.

i miss Him ......... we all miss my Godfather.

And so it goes ......... my children are visiting my mother. Having a ball they are ...... on her two hundred acres. i am most pleased for them, despite that i do not speak to my mother.

For all intents and purpose my children are on loan to me. They are my pedagogue's as much as i am theirs.

What would You do if God himself gave You stardust?????

i have spoken to them every single day in the last week and a half.

My 5y/o told me today that "she phoned so i wouldn't worry and have a heart attack!!" She is so considerate!! She proceeds to give me the 3rd degree, and i humor her, as well as welcome it!
What did i have for dinner?; what am i doing?; am i writing?; how are my friends so and so?; what did i do all day?; was i on the computer as we were talking?!!; .... and on and on she went! Bring it on Butterbean ........ little does she know .... when she is 14y/o turn about is fare play!!!!
She then relays every single thing my son, her 13y/o brother, has done in the last week and a half! i find her "non-tattling" tales to be highly jocular ..... to say the very least!!

Butter paused after she said there was only three days until we would see each other........
i took that chance to tell her i was extremely excited to see her .... i wanted to kiss her, hug her, smell her hair, squeeze her, tickle her and then make her fly as high as i could!!

Butter jumped over what i was saying ........ and cut me to the quick: "Mommy, Mommy ........ i just, i, i,  ....... i miss Your face Mommy. i just miss looking at Your face."

 
i yearn for my guru's. He who teaches me to be truthfully open with my heart. She who teaches my soul to soar through the Milky-way.
i crave for that small frame of time i have to mentor those who were never mine to begin with.


In the proper setting, start-dust can evolve into a guiding light.
b.~


i took the time ....... i spent a whole twenty hours attentive .......... to me.

And what i heard has ALWAYS been at the core of who i am.

i am most truly unable to stay ........ and as much as i know i must & need to go ....... for one key moment, i was unwilling to leave ....... i was leaving ..............

i took heed as to the days gone by. Ever so clearly i pin-pointed my errors, and made a soulful note of that which propelled me to my next adventure.
i watched the sunset as well as rise in that drive from Michigan to North Carolina ........ i have made that drive twice a year for the last seventeen years ......... was not a epiphany so much as it was a ummmmmmmmm, let's go with a dawning.

i was born wild .......... more over i am a born fighter.

i am poised to do what i should have done a year ago ........ i will afford myself the compliment that i am somewhat more evolved then i was a year ago (lmfao, to say the VERY least!!), i had much growing up to do ........

i silence myself no more.

What a mother fuckin' year.

Slap it up, flip it and rub it down ...... mmmmmmm i kinda like ........ me!

Wanna dance darlin'?!!?
b.~
She jumped to see if she was able to fly .......
She jumped to end it all .......
She just jumped.


We Wear the Mask by Paul Laurence Dunbar (1872-1906)

Can You talk three police officers out of handcuffing You??????????????????

No???

Allow me to assist You ........ in the event such a thing should ever arise.

Three key things come into play ....... body language, eye contact, and word choice. The last being of the UTMOST importance.

Don't get all caught up ....... or quite possibly they will turn You out ........ in a New York fucking second .... dollar to a donut, bet on it.

Dance Darlin' .......... and i am NOT eluding to a dumb ass two step either. Move slow and VERY deliberately ............ Tango like Your tail feathers' depend on it. Is necessary to think more sure fire then a bolt of lightening, however taking to long to respond will result in You loosing Your footing.

Keep Your Momma's manners at the forefront ......... look each one in the eye, but only briefly, make a small attempt at humor, and at ALL TIMES agree with the people who have the guns.

i was able to verbally Tango the three police officers down to just one, and i even managed to drive my own vehicle, although i was given a police escort. No cuffs, no sirens (although the female officer did have my license). Because i am so ummmmmmmmmmmm let's go with out spoken, a guard was put outside my room. (They know me NOT ........ then again, i am not fully acquainted with myself, so there ya go.) The interesting point about EVERY person ......... we ALL have an ego. Stroke It as Billy Squire says. i sauntered right the fuck out the mother fucking front door.

You are sooooooooo sure it will never occur to You ..... You will never break down, nevertheless ..... IF You do crack, pick Your own broken ass up buttercup. Do NOT ask for help .......... the end is NOT worth the means.

No need to talk about it ........... Goodbye to YOU .......... good times/bad times ...... these last few weeks ......... yeah well, is over now ........ Later Love.

Just my view anyhow, fuck You & bite my chunk if You don't like it.

Roll with that darlin'.

b.~

P.S. Evaluating Your authentic self (aka bio-feed back) is a most useful way of jump starting Yourself again ...... that or You can do as i do ........ dance non-stop for ninety minutes, and during Your cool down You can vomit Your shoes out your nose!!!

Purge the body and You are bound to loose Your mind at some point!!!!!

Is all relative really ........ i am as crazy as You are fucking stupid by choice.

Rest assured IF i wanted Your mindless, narcissistic, and generic opinion i am more then capable of asking, bet Your fucking donut on that dough-boy ......... otherwise ....... have a coke and a smile, sit down, and shut the fuck up all damn ready.

i spoke to a friend ....... He quite simply said: "It is hard, babe. Don't give up, for Your children, don't give up."

i jumped over that cliff last night, and in mid-flight ..... i changed my mind. 

i am spent; i need time to just ..... listen.

i need to hear myself say ..... i love ...... me.



P.S. Please do not ask me to elaborate on the above; if i wished for You to know, i would tell You .... simple.
b.~ 

BREAK ME DOWN ........YA GOT A LOVELY FACE ............. GOIN' TO UR PLACE, NOW U GOT UR FREAK ME ON ....... SCREAM SO LOUD ........ GETTIN' FUCKIN LAID ............
HEY............
UR CRAZY BITCH, BUT U FUCK SO GOOD I'M ON TOP OF IT ......... WHEN I DREAM OF DOING U ALL NITE, SCRATCHES ALL DOWN MY BACK ...........  
CRAZY BITCH
CRAZY BITCH
CRAZY BITCH
UR CARZY BUT I LIKE THE WAY U FUCK ME!!!!!!!!!!!
BUCKCHERRY
b.~

Where am i to go now that i have gone to far???????????? ........... Twilight Zone
(is a rhetorical question, i assure U!)My writing makes sense to me, and that is all that matters. If U happen to get the point, You know me better then You thought. Otherwise, don't bitch about my prose. U didn't drop a dime to read it ..... it's free, it's me, how utterly lucky could You possibly be?!!?
b.~
~Quandary 6-2-08~

Seems i have a friend who fancies themselves' a labyrinth of sorts!!!!

i was sent a text last evening @ 6:02pm Eastern Time, from quite simply: Unknown Sender!! (i was cruising down 95 in a killer rain storm, and had been texting with another friend before hand, so i thought it was from my friend i had been originally texting with until i attempted to reply at a later hour! Another twist is, i have only had this number for two weeks ... hmmmmmm!!!)

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, excellent form, and if i may be so inclined to volley back with ........ Game On!!

Soooooooooo, this is for YOU darlin'!

You will need to fiddle,

but rest assured,

is a gimme riddle!!!

........... Say it right Mama! Alright, come Closer ...... you oK?!!? Manteca, You raise me up, 'cause Baby i'm a star! I drove all night, was akin to the Twilight zone, or am i just a Crazy bitch?!!? visions of my Home by the sea, as i sit under my Umbrella so shall i recall Promises in the dark!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now cheri ........... that may seem a tad long, just a title or two of a few songs!!

The answer awaits You in the above italic statement ...... as certain as Your name and number appeared on every cell tower it hit before locating my ohhhh so stellar phone, only to lurk in the umbra You seek refuge in, alas You cannot shroud Yourself in todays tech savy trace-able everything!!

i am almost certain You would luxuriate in a game of .......... !!!!

b.~

Psssssssst ........ You do know i already know who YOU are, do You not?!!!!!?

****If You figure out the riddle please do not post it ........ not yet anyway!!! (((hugggssss)))****



Siiighs ...... You gave in prior to trying ........ shame for shame on YOU!

Nevertheless, here You go!!

i respectfully requested You do as i do when someone's prose stump me, Sir
 ....... read the last sentence first; reading each word in and on its' own; PAUSE; then the last sentence as a whole; following the whole paragraph in that manner.

i asked You to LOOK, Sir .......... NOT read. Your answers told me You were reading no matter my attempt to guide You.

(S)ay it right {nelly furtado}

(M)ama {gensis}

(A)lright {janet jackson}

(C)loser {nine inch nails}

(K) off the top of my head, i was at a lose as to a title, so i let it be

(M)anteca {dissy gillespie & Funky lowlives}

(Y)ou raise me up {josh groban}

(B)aby i'm a star {prince & the revolution}

(I) drove all night {celine dion}

(T)wilight zone {golden earring}

(C)razy Bitch {buckcherry}

(H)ome by the sea {genesis}

(U)mbrella {Rihanna}

(P)romises in the dark {pat benatar}

When You read as i instructed ...... You will note the cap on "certain" words; in a random form with respects to proper sentence function.Yet from start to finish it lays out as:

The riddle is ............. SMACK MY BITCH UP, the title of a song by "The Prodigy."

Looking ON what is written will allow You to see that which You were missing, as opposed to reading between the lines, thus resulting in You and Your ideas being thrown in the mix of it!!!

b.~


i do not believe in the statement: "i know EVERYTHING about so-and-so".

That being said, i do know this to be most tried and true:

i am an olfactory whore!

Not so much with regards to others, although it does apply somewhat. Is more with respects to my self.

i dislike over doing a scent simply to perfume the pig, nevertheless, i do so luxuriate in smelling good ........ for me.

It varies really ...... the season, where i am going, what i am wearing, but mostly it is decided by my mood.

Japanese Cherry Blossom; Boucheron's Trouble; Donna Karan's Cashmere; Giorgio Armani's Sensi; Hugo Boss's Deep Red; Lancome's Miracle; Elizabeth Arden's 5th Ave; Calvin Klein's Truth; Gucci; Hugo Boss's Boss; Diesel; and Oscar de la Renta's Oscar.

What ever can i say .......... LOL ..... i am a whore to my nose!
b.~

It was brought to my attention earlier that 400 photos is a bit much.

Ummmmmmm no, not so much really. Think about it ......

i have SIXTEEN photo albums, and ONE is of me ........ for my WHOLE life!!! And to be most truthful, the majority of those photos appear as if i have smelled a fart! Just charming, REALLY!! LMAO!!!

Is what it is! i am a mother, therefore i am always behind the camera!

Look here ..... this is my reality >>>>> most days i wear baggy clothes so as NOT to attract attention; i typically wear no make-up, and i am usually doing the herky-jerky on my jeans so as not to show the world my "plumbers seal of approval" (my ass crack, ya'll!!)!!!!

i took one day and spent six hours on something i have been wanting to do for months. Considering i have been gravely ill since January i would say ........ turn about is fair play! J.V and i had a spectacular blast, as did Genevieve before she was sent to bed!!

The fact is out of 400 photos, we choose to keep only about 100. And out of those, i would say 1/3 are photos none of You will EVER see .......... WHY?!?! Let's just go with >>>>> YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!! Again, a most humble thanks for the custom made soft, purple cuffs & collar J.V, they do so ROCK!!! i honorably, and humbly bow unto You Sir.

Soooooooooooo when You happen to say: "Hey, like them photos" ........ and i volley back with a MASSIVE GRIN (think J.J. on Good Times!), and say: "i knnnnnnnnnnnnow" (i will humbly thank U tho!), just pay me no mind!

i'll be back to normal by tomorrow!!!

Be warned ......... in baggy clothes, and with no make-up ....... my ass crack is NOT all that!!

Double kiss darlin!!

b.~

i desire epoch ......

i desire infinite space .........

i desire the infallible, authentic ........
 

me.

b.~
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!!!

Take just a moment ........ no matter if You have biological offspring or not. No matter if You EVER have plans to have children, from Malaya, or Your own home grown uterus ..... chances are, at some point, You have in some form or another, mothered some person, to some degree. Man or woman, You more then likely have mothered someone.

Case in point ...... i spent 2hrs in the Sprint store yesterday and my 5y/o was flippin' stellar!! So upon getting to our apartment complex, i see the Ice Cream truck. i pull in behind him, and purchase an ice cream sandwich for my Donna Pecola Bella. As i'm about to jump back in my van, i see three LITTLE girls ...... my daughter's age, STANDING in a screen-less second story window frame, hollerin' at the Ice Cream man.
 
WTF?? Yeah, i said that out loud!

i proceed over to the front of this building (is two down from mine), and slam my van in park ,throw open my door and RUN up the side walk, at which time i commence with screaming:

"HEY, YOU LITTLE PEOPLE, GET THE HELL OUT THAT WINDOW FOR YOU FALL AND BREAK YOUR CUTE LIL' NECKS! AND WHERE IN ALL THAT IS HOLY IS YOUR MOMMA??"

They close the window without so much as a word as i stand there, foot cocked out, hands on my hips, and my neck doing a cobra roll! Muttering all sorts of drunken sailor shit as i get back in my van.

It takes a village, i tell You. i, nor my children are above reproach.

At this time i would like to say to each and everyone of my friends ..... male or female ....

i am humbly in YOUR debt ..... for mothering me. From me to You, a most  sincere heartfelt:

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

b.~
~Mortal Terror 5-8-08~

The hour ........ as usual is far to late for decent folk to still be awake, nevertheless YOU are. The witching hour has long passed, however .......... You volley a text message to me. Your timing is always on point. YOU HAVE NEVER FAILED ME, EVER.

How about i call?

In all i say, i am actually saying nothing, and not only do You hear the screams the lay in the wake of my silence, You listen to my unspeakable need to have someone know me to the depths which i covet so dearly.

K .................. You know i so rarely ask. i don't wish to abuse my lifelines, i am certain You can comprehend that, no??

Our banter starts as per usual ....... You grab my hand and we lunge over the edge of that proverbial cliff i stand on. No time like the present is Your perspective. Just fucking jump, don't think, just fly girl. i am afforded an up draft in the way of You sharing Your daily doings ....... the reprieve is breathtaking ....... and ohhhh so You ...... on point good man!

The perma-grin You afford me dissolves with one serious question ....... You ask me if i am surprised at how far You have come?????

Bitch pleeeeeeeeeease ...... OK, i didn't say that, but i was thinking it! i stated matter-of-fact i was NOT confounded, not in the least. i countered with my own question ......... Why not YOU?? Your deep stillness filled me with self pride. Stumping the likes of You is such a rarity. You had no answer.

Check Mate, darlin'.

Do tell my friend ......... was the quell because Your ass finally realized i have always believed in You??

Allow me to share one more thing with You my dearest friend ......... the below quote is what i feel You have always been saying to me, thus i volley Your own philosophical enlightenment back at ya!

What a bitch it must be when the swami becomes the one being mentored!!

Recognize!

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

A quote from: A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles, by Marianne Williamson

The conversation draws to a close, as the hour is now more early, than it is late. You make one small request of me. You beseech me to never give up, EVER.

Not with the likes of You always in my corner ........ not even close to a possibility, darlin!

b.~

Some cannot loosen their own chains and can nonetheless redeem their friends.

You must be ready to burn yourself in your own flame; how could you become new, if you had not first become ashes?

~Thus Spake Zarathustra

A recent posting(s) on the message boards resulted in a stoking of the embers of my moral fiber thus causing me to reach out to a few tried and trusted few.
 
i know a good many folks. Truly good; decent; God fearing; hard-working; well off(some); poorly educated; salt of the earth; superficial; extremely superior intellectual folks. A very eclectic group!!! i am a truly honored woman!!

i was seeking ..... {my} truth from two of only a handful who know every single solitary thing about me.

i was in dire straits thus causing me to pick the brains of these two folks. i was seeking wisdom, and insight ..... i was in need of seeing who i was by way of ......... mmmmmmmm, politely debating, if You will, two areas i NEVER speak of.

If i learned only ONE thing in my 17yrs of a now failed marriage it is as follows: NEVER under any circumstances speak of religion, OR politics ........ WITH ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!!

i truly adore a verbal tango with another .... i will be the devils advocate simply b/c i am bored and wish to see how quickly i can send You into a tail spin for shits and giggles!!! It is a trait damn near perfected, part and parcel, by my mother as well as my ex husband. Those two people assisted me in taking on ...... and i will coyly add, winning against the EEOC, my city government, a private school, a public school, a few different presidents from varying organizations, blah, blah, blah ........ k, i am boring my self!! My focal point is: i am a twisted fuck who loves the human mind and all the drippings resulting thereof!!!

The two folks i wished to honor me with their pontifications are similar in many arenas. These two i elude to are NOT the two i previously mentioned. Hell .... my mother told me i was dead to her last spring, and my ex will soon wish as much!!! And sooooooo it goes!!!
Anyway ........

These two are the elite 2% of society, and You would never be the wiser in an everyday scenario. One person has known me for 24yrs, the other person has known me for less than 1 year. Needless to say i am honored by their pearls of wisdom, due to the self reflection as well as intellectual awareness i am afforded by their self-less conversations and uncanny ability to see into that which i can keep away from every other living breathing entity (MINUS animals, and children!!) ... my truthful and undying beliefs.

i was afforded a 4 part conversation over the past week with the individual who has known me for twenty-four years. The other person and i spoke for eight straight hours.

 

i spent the last hour writing out the actual conversations from these two people ......... then i realized ....... although i have not seen either of these folks in some time ........ their nine hundred million dollar deals, interactions with the top five percent of America's industry, travels to every continent in the last month really was not the point. i engaged both people in a banter about .......... which is:

Uber rich(them) and the indigent(LMAO, me!!).  

BOTH were insulted, incensed, and inflamed with my limited perspective on the topics at hand.
 
i dove head strong (as per MY usual!!) into MY President; voting; Catholicism; 9/11; Bin Laden; Al Queda; women's rights; Iraq; cheating leaders; the Cole; religion as a whole; Desert Storm; MY military; children; labels(self inflicted, and societies); MY Americans' as a whole; music; marriage; health care, and the kicker ........ MONEY ......... who has it; who gives it; who DESERVES it, and the vast difference between the two as it relates to OUR America.
 
i was commended by both for doing my taxes for the very first time, on my own, in seventeen years!!!

i impressed upon these two EXTREMELY well to do folks that without money ....... in our America ....... You may as well lick a public bathroom floor. The dry fucking i was getting from a clinic that was treating my uninsured self(hence i am paying for something a shit talking no tooth havin' crack whore could just as easily inform me of), was not fit for roadkill. Last year when i had Blue Cross, i would have had my kidney issue treated in a maximum of two visits .......where as now i am simply poor trash. i respectfully requested they suck my strap on!!!!

Both (separately) felt i had a strong argument, yet lacking all the same. Although i was honored with their attention, i was told in no uncertain terms where i was falling short.

i have a few excellent friends ...... i am given NO reprieve, nor an ounce of pity. These two people are keenly aware i NEVER ask for insight, let alone anything else. The caveat to that never is "when" i do ask, they both know i am well beyond my wits end, and only by the grace of God am i hanging on by my kung fu white girl grip!! i beseech them to volley back, and in excellent form they come at me with guns blazin'. When the flood gates of my tears is unleashed for lives lost; a world in such angst; knowing no religion is better than the other; and so many other variables i really don't care to expound on ..... i finally dry my eyes ........ flash my Southern girl charm of a smile, and take in not only their intensity, but the truth i lack .....

Therefore i am a more evolved woman.


b.~ 

Uploaded some photos that Cr8tivSir took of me this month ........ please no remarks from the "peanut" gallery"!!! i take horrid photos, i know; Lord have Mercy ........ only took about 400 photos to get my ONE acceptable black and white photo!!! i get so nervous, thus resulting in me trying to hard, and the end product gives way to me looking like a goof ball!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway folks ........ many thanks for all the reassuring comments .......

And last, nevertheless, NOT even close to being in the realm of least ........ i humbly thank Cr8tivSir; although i am unable to serve Him as He deserves, nor as i would like (have been extremely ill, and i will be moving further South in the near future), Sir and i have made the decision to remain stedfast friends, no matter my location.

b.~

The truly free man is he who bears the load of the bond slave patiently.

Gibran ... Sand and Foam; 1926

******
i am most grateful to my Sir for the eleven new books from my most favored writer. One of many gifts given to me for my birthday ..... the One gift i could not bulk at being given ..... the One gift i allowed myself to keep.

b.~
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN~

wenchTNT phoned me earlier this evening from her hospital room in Mass. Although her surgery did not begin until 3pm (originally set for the early a.m.), she said all went well! She is in good health and high spirits ...... her excat words were "i'm stoned!!!" wenchTNT stated she will be home by tomorrow, and "still stoned than too!!!"
i asked to phone her later in the week, and she stated that would be fine.  
wenchTNT respectfully requested i drop into the chatrooms to let others know she is doing fine. She expressed deep concern that others not worry about her, and know she is ummmmmm well ....... stoned, which is so very stellar!!!!! 
In the event i missed You in those rooms (any and all friends of hers), i told wenchTNT i would leave a little note here as well.
Drop her a note, i am certain she would adore Your well wishes!!!!

Respectfully~
b.~
Pssssssssssst ........ You there girl??? ......

Is me, bobbilynn .......

i am confined within the enigma of my own mind, tapping out an S.O.S. from within ........ beseeching myself to come back to

me.

~Is not so mysterious as it is merely keeping a grip on organized chaos.~

Sir took me to the Atlantic Ocean in my ol' stomping grounds of Virginia Beach, and NENC for the New Year ......... He afforded me percisely what my soul yearned for ..... my son and i overlooking the agitated Ocean on a gloomy and rainy day.

Those are my most favored days at the Ocean .......

As the sky cries, the Ocean allows her angst to be seen ....... being a witness to the wailing Ocean is easy enough ....

tasting her turmoil is harder still.

The ripe tide of life has afforded me much in the last year ....... i have moved from North Carolina to Michigan ..... traveled to New York, Chicago, Canada, Detroit, Atlanta, Charleston, and L.A. ........... 

Yet still ....... i know not.

i suppose as i stood by the Ocean (and during the twilight hours, after watching Sir sleep, when i would slip from the room) on each of those four days/nites ....... 

Pondering .......

Who i am, and what do i desire ..... i was able to see myself more clearly in her reflection as the winds finally ceased, and the clouds drifted East.

i wish to be similar to her ....... the Ocean.

i yearn to be calm, controlled, and ever so quiet ...... i yearn to rage against it all, for no other reason than ....... the time is fitting ....... i yearn to wait with her patients for the sizzling sun to set, and to run blindly into the sunrise ........ i yearn to be altered by life, as well as change anothers' life ........ i yearn to give all that i am, as well as have all of another given to me ....... i yearn to walk headstrong into each storm awaiting in my horizion ....... i yearn to be comforted by silence, and to quiet anothers fears just as freely ............. i yearn to be true unto myself first and foremost ........

Mostly .....
i yearn NOT to run from who i was and how i became to be ..... right here, right now.

My past is most offensive ...... LOL ...... is jocular really .... when i allow the ebb and flow of my days gone by to be viewed by another ........ is like watching someone get suprised by a crushing super-human wave. As troublesome as it is for another to bare witness to my antiquity ....... i am certain very few have ever considered what it is like to lay claim unto such a life.

A walking, talking contradiction ..... never a victim, always changing, and all the while taking it all in.

Comparable to the Ocean, i would like to think!



i am life at its' finest, not because i have allowed the living to come through me, nor because i have altered others' ......... but rather because all that sifted through me has transformed me ....... good, bad , or otherwise.

A mere grain of sand i may be ........ yet the Ocean of life would not be the same minus lil' ol' me.

Pssssssssssst ........ enough with the S.O.S ...... my ship does not need saving .......

i am simply admiring my reflection!!!!

b.~
When i choose to write ..... believe it or not, it is with extreme pains that i do so. More often than not, i am weeping as i type ..... the very act is far less pleasant than the end result. My mind jumps tangents as i find the twisted roots of my pain, ........

****** i am taken ........... mmmmm is not fitting in the least ........
****** i was captured ........ nope ....... i rarely will fly that close  .......
****** i settled on One ....... ohhh bitch please!!! ..... i DO NOT settle .........
****** i am owned ........ indeed, i have always owned up .........
****** i have submitted ........ that has more possibility ........ nevertheless ......

Siiiiiiiiiiiighs ...........

Therein lies the problem for me ......  Hmmmmmm ..... 

i can hear You Sir ........ Your tranquil and even breathes........ i can feel You Sir ........ Your effulgence pierces the bolted door i stand behind, shaking from head to toe i am ........ the shadows i seek solace in ........ my heart skips a beat, my palms are slick with sweat ..... i can only allow myself a few short shallow gasps ..........

That is where i stand  .......... with everyone ....... behind my self imposed prison door.

You tarry as i scream and shout my protests .... You have simply cornered me in my own trappings ........ You afford me what i deisre ....... moreover, what You know i need.

To let go ........  of who i was ....... who i wanted to be ........
You allow me to mourn my own death .......... the shattered pieces of my soul that i have buried so the rest of my being may live.
 
You whisper ever so sweetly that i should not fear who i have become, nor who i deisre to be ......
i am no longer alone .........
Is most exhausting as i strain every fiber in every muscle of my being ......... You allow me to battle myself as You stand by, ready with a tender word, or a parsimonious touch ..... unwavering and steadfast.

You did that which has never been done Sir ........
You put me first .......... that ..... that was gut wrenching to see ......... i see, as well as feel it  ......... mmmmm ....... often.

i am ........ spent.

i hear the moaning and groaning of the hinges ....... i hold my breath, take four steps back, melt to my kness and bow my head ............ 

I hear You Sir ........ moreover ........ i feel You Sir  .........

You find a dusty chair in the corner of my self imposed prison, and as the light irradiates from my tears ....... You hold Your hands out to me ........

i settle myself into Your embrace, as i am captured by Your calming nature ....... not one thing has been taken ......... yet ....... so much has been given unto me ...... You have afforded me the one chance to own all of who i am ....... by way of allowing me to  submit to all my internal animosity, and martyrdom ........

i am honored and humbled You accept me as Yours, Sir.

Call me what You will ....... just ..... please Sir, do not ever stop calling me to You ....... i beseech You ........


my
my
my Sir.


b.~
Just do NOT ......... mmmmmmmm if You please.
Just a minor view into the combustion of my soul.

If You do NOT fancy my means of expression ........ spare me from Your drive by verbal incontinence ....... You truly bore me.

*** my SIR is quite fine with my means of personal expression ........
Furthermore, it was "the" point that my Godfather adored most about ....... yup ........ when need be  ........ ghetto fabulous ........ me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



i need to go make cookies ...... Santa needs to unload my annual piece of coal.


 
~12-11-07~
The thing is .......... on some level ......... no matter the depth or superficiality of it ......... we all have been battered ......... we all have been broken. There are times "that" is the driving point ........ more often than not, ............. "that" point is simply the co-pilot ........... controlling more than "that" point should because we have allowed ourselves to go through life on auto-pilot.

Hmmmmmmmmm ............ it just keeps getting better ......... yup ........... being a total wise ass there ............. ? AND ? .................. is that problematic for Your delicate sensibilities???

"Bobbi,

I hope Ben has written or called by now. Would You like to try to meet for lunch somewhere near Mason ................. "

DID SOMEONE JUST VERBALLY FLATULATE???????????? .......in a Christmas card no less .......... tsk, tsk, i am appalled!!!!!


**Do i need to bring a grand so that the conversation will move along at an acceptable pace, or is lil ol' me just enough for You??????

Sure .......... why the fuck not .......... game on, a???

But before we do .......... LMAO .......... do this meeting ......... do me a small favor if You will ........... look into my mint green eyes ........... those eyes that turn a dirty Ocean blue when i am bored/agitated/inflamed ............ tell me ......... whatever do You see ...........

Nope, that is not it ............ nahhh ....... that isn't it either ............. ahhhhhhhh, OK i will tell You ...........

Bite my chunk why don't ya.

My pencil is razor sharp, sweetness ....... my words are flowing better than love juice in a whorehouse .................... and i am blowing up my cell looking for a lawyer.

Step the fuck off my ass ........... that part of my anatomy is not equipped with the mandatory OSHA hand rails.

Drop the crack pipe and step away ever so slowly ............. cause sweetness ...........

i just switched the auto pilot off ...............

b.~


 

i miss You, Godfather.

365 days .......... Many of those days i simply told myself You were on a fishing trip with my other Uncles .........
When i would visit in the summer and at Christmas, (prior to Your final departure) ......... right before i ventured back to the South, You would give me a bear hug and say: "when are You coming home? ...... or: "When You are ready to come home, i am here for You."
You knew i was not ready, nevertheless, You always kept the door to Your heart open. Someday, in some place and time, You knew i would venture back ......... so that i could propel myself forward. 

From the moment i was given Your name You have known me ......... You made time for me ....... You would seek me out .......... rarely agreeing, ALWAYS listening, and when i afforded You the chance, You spoke volumes with little utterance. You would never scold me for running away, yet Your arms were the ones who always welcomed me back. You demanded my personal best, and taught me that one could never have enough lore. 

And so i did .......... i dared to return .......... Far more than a day late ........ You were forever gone, less that which i had stored away in the umbra's of my heart, soul and mind.

When i sent the children to Charleston, SC for a week this past summer, i asked Your wife if i could come by ......... she said i was welcome to, yet she would be gone. That is what i wanted anyway, to be alone in Your home ....... the space where You last were.
 
i stood in the doorway of Your back porch, and down the lane i watched a Doe eat grain that had been left. i filled Your birdfeeder, grabbed a pillow and layed on Your deck ........ within minutes i was in a daydream slumber. The summer winds slowly shifted, as did my thoughts .......... i wandered back inside, ....... cried on Your bed while Your dogs waited ever patiently for me to give them some treats!!! ............ wondered why the cat i had given (saved!!) to Your youngest daughter twenty years earlier was not deceased!!! ........ went upsatirs to the loft, down to Your barn, ......... than i walked through the eighty-three acres to Your Twin Lakes.
With every step, i knew without a shadow of a doubt, You were there ..........
More importantly ..........
You were(are) weaved into who i was ........ who i am ........ who i am yet to be .......... never ever to part.
One year beyond Your death ........

i miss You, Godfather.

b.~
~7-2-2007 Celebrate~
 
My second poem was published and i was sent the compilation of the "International Who's Who of Poetry" this very day! Now ............. if i could just locate a job ............ as in YESTERDAY!!!! Who knows ........... i may just roam ............ sounds like a plan. The Keys ...... NYC ........ NC .......... Cali ........... who knows!!!!

Thought i would share the now published poem .............. so here Ya'all go ........... Luxuriate in my thoughts ............... LMAO ......... if that is possible!!!!!!!!! ............ FYI ........ this pertains to my now deceased Uncle who was also my Godfather...... the man i had the honor of being named after ........  the Namesake  ........  LOL  ........ another exceptional book that brings my Uncle to mind!!!!



Prometheus~God~Father







~The First Cause~
Descended from the Valhalla on a crisp autumn day
Orchestrating all that is authentic to create the spark known as You.

~The Truth~

Sagacious, perspicacious, forethought creates a consonance
With Your creed concerning the honor of Your fellow man.

~The Life~

Gatekeeper of our antiquity -- Titan of Our Clan
Whispering winds of Your wisdom create a musical blend
In the wake of Your imperceptible celestial wings.

~The Light~
Ascended from the Nirvana on a crisp autumn day
Their symphony beckoned You to the island of refulgence
Where our Ruler of Heaven awaits Your return.

~The All-Knowing~
Perils of Pandora are upon us as the pyre creates a conflagration
That torments our minds and crucifies our souls.

~The Infinite Spirit~

Billions of concertos thus created by Your connection with mankind
Auld Lang Syne -- Our future melodies are forever altered.




******In the event You do not get one single line............ feel free to ask .......... it will be my pleasure to expand on my personal view of my Godfather.


God Speed to You all on the eve of America's birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! /

B.~
~Making Yester-year Right~3-26-2007

"Morning All ............. how is everyone??" Grumbles, grunts .......... yes well .......... that says far more than a blow by blow, verbally vivid painted picture!!!

IS Monday ..........

Manager is mumbling about community service .............. finally she really looks at me and says: "Go out back and take a look, bobbi."

Mmmmmmmmmm .......... first instinct ........... "why? What is out there?"

Much more stern, my manager say: "JUST Go ......... look ............ok?"

Ummmmmmmmm .......... second instinct ......... "ummmmmmmm, wait ......... ok, ......... i ......... is Max back there?? i do not want to look, just tell me, i do not want to see ............ fucking Monday-mayhem-shit-fire-to-save-matches, where in all that is Holy is my coffee ........... come on ............... just .............. what the............ "

"Bobbi, GO LOOK NOW, than come see me."

Go through three doors, allowing my neck to do the cobra roll as i get through door two (out of my managers eyesight of course!), mumbling under my breath ............. "la, la, la, la, Jimmy crack corn, and i don't care ......... no matter what i see ............. Jimmy is a crack-head who smokes corn and i DO NOT CARE!!!!"

To late!

Walk past the first two play-pens ............ see two dogs in the last play-pen .......... Labs .......... one Black, one Golden ........ cool .......... walk back up the sidewalk seperating the outside runs connected to the building from the play-pens ............. looking at the cage cards more closely (yet not close enough i will later learn)................ stop dead in my tracks at the middle/second play-pen .............

Way, way to late now ...............

MOTHER of MARY ............ before i even know i am doing it i have opened the gate to the play-pen ........ i say his name ............. i can not see him as i am calling out to his being ............ he is coiled into the largest dog house ......... he steps out and i loose my balance ......... i lean against the fence, and stand with my hand on the gate door ........... he saunters over to me ..............

Jesus, i am speaking directly to You .......... go get the spirit of Tyson ............ Your Daddy(Dearest Lord in Heaven) knows i need him to back me up here Jesus!!!!!

Sonny ........... an all white SOLID 120lb of hulking Shepard walks right up to me .......... he is .......... if NOTHING else.......... COLOSSAL.......... i swear, he is a guard dog for the Heavens!!!! Mmmmmmmm, he and i will be most in tune .......... this i feel from his ever penetrating gaze .......... a rather loving aura about him engulfs me as he begins to corner me, wagging his tail!!!

i allow Sonny to take his fill of me, as i gently slide down the fence, and my hand falls free of the gate ........... resting on the whole of his back ........... listening to his heartbeat with my fingers, feeling his body language with my fore arm .............. i am so low, he is so copious, Sonny is now looking down on me!! i turn my head to the side, so as not to look at Sonny directly ............. he sniffs my face, and than licks my cheek .......... sniff, than licks my nose ............... sniff, than licks my forehead .................

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck ..............

Do put a fork in me .............. am soooooooooooo done!!!! Game over!!!!!!!!!!!! My heart is no longer mine!!

Walk back in the office ............ "You are so jovial this morning manager lady .......... could You tell me ............. how do i MANAGE to get my heart back now??!!!!!"

One look ............ five words ........... "Owner turn in ............. Heart-worm positive."

One look volleyed back ........... four words fall out of my pie-hole, and give way to my Hoof n Mouth disease .......... "Fuck You ............. i quit." i calmly walk out of the office, and go hide in Sonny's cage.

i can do this ........... make this right .............. for Sonny, for the here and now ........... for yester-year ............. for ...........

Tyson.

B.~

~Colors of me~

You say it is near impossible for me to go ................ You have had a change of heart ............. You are most contrite, riddled with culpability .............. You just are unable to cope.

i twist my wrist a fraction of an inch .............

Tilting my head in the opposite direction ................ i do not see You in the same light ................ my heart, my very soul is stained with an intangibility that knows you not, nor do i so much as care to for a single moment longer ........... who ever do You think You are ........... the Pope?

And so You bombard me with guilt ............. You implore me to do that which You could not ............. until You finally noticed my back was turned, my head bowed low, my shoulders slumped ................ now ............ now all that is left for You to do is tope.

i contort my wrist yet again ...................

You sling this, state that ................... You spit Your venom ............... lopsided views lie broken and shattered at Your feet .............. YOU look in my direction, and call me everything short of a dope.

i twine my wrist yet ever so little ................

You have bound me ............... tried with Your every breath to break me .............. You have battered me with my own past as i lie motionless, and defenseless ............... You are spellbound as i rise evermore in the wake of all Your mind fornication, and rope.

i wrench my wrist just a tad ....................

i have begun to slide ................... is nothing of us left to grasp ............. no foot hold to right this descent ............... all we built is now propelled down this continental slope.

i crook my wrist a smidge ....................

So many iridescencant fractions ............... of me ............... of You .............. of Us ................ so many red flags obscure the one You hold now ............... the cape of good hope.

i breath deeply, allowing my wrist to fall to my side .................

i shall forevermore be undertoned by the likes of You .................. and i thank You ............ i wish You all my best ................ for You shall need it ............... You are locked in a box of Your own choosing .............. do try not to mope.

A knowing smile overtakes my face .............. i turn to the sun, leaving the shadows behind ............. i bring my wrist in front of my face ........... one ........ last ........... time.

i am destined to explode into life .................. after You ................how could i not .......... it is all so disentangled ........... every last hue ........... my view is ever changing ................. i look at my past as You ............. i know my future will be altered at each step, each tint ............... as i look through my kaleidoscope.

B.~

In every sigh there is a moment .......... in very minute second of said moment there is a ..........
why do i yearn for You so???

Fornicating, inane mind twist i stumble on in some form or another every single day.

Am a twisted fuck with no toys ............ alas, i do have my mind!!!

Am curious why Henery Goddard's mother did not abort him at conception?? The evil who penned a Greek word for "foolish" .........: moronia, ......... and turned it into our modern day standard for MORON?? Alllow us to give a standing ovation to Alfred Binet, and a one Lewis Terman (of Stanford, but of course) for the shedding of light on that wonderous Standford-Binet Test .......... or rather a shell of the modern day IQ Test ........... hence the IMBECILES .......... in number form.

Am stuck on the Greek today ........ as my second poem penned about You .......... is now to be published.

Does it matter in the least that none of it really matters ............ not a single drop of sweat off the balls hanging from this grand univerise really matter ........ yet .........

~Time~

A mere ray from Your soul ......... a .......... fuck, .......... just a fraction of a second within the moment that hangs on the breath at the end of the sigh i always seem to find within my day at some point .........

i miss You dearest Uncle ......... Godfather ......... 

my~
Prometheus.

Please, please take it all .......... reduce me to a mere number, it means NOTHING ......... just as long as that number .......... is part of that minute second of time ............
Your time ............
that i shall never be awarded/honored with again.

B.~

~Translate~ 3-5-2007

Ohhhhhhhhhh ok ................. if i must i will paraphrase the previous blog in English............. uggggghhhhh!!!!!

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeesh ......................

You could have figured it out!!!!!!!!!!!

French ................... As i lean over the waters edge, shall i see who i am, or who i desire to be?????????

Spanish ..................... Will You love me even if i cause ripples, trying to free myself from all i have imprisoned myself in?????????

German ................ If i dare to touch the waters surface, will i disappear, or will i reappear as i know i am in the confines of my very soul??????

Italian ................... i have ALWAYS caused waves ............. never shall i cease ................. i just wish i could stop drowning myself.

B.~


~Dictate~ 3-1-2007

FRENCH if You please ..................

Comme je me penche au-dessus des eaux affilez, je verra qui je suis, ou qui je d`esire etre???????

SPANISH if You must ........................

Voluntad usted me ama incluso si causo la ondulacion que intenta liberarse de todos lo que tango imprisioned en????????

Work with me here ............. GERMAN is a tad harder ...........

Wenn ich traue mich zu beruhren, taucht das Wasser, Wille auf, den ich verschwinde, oder Wille erscheine ich wieder, wie ich wei(B) da(B) ich bin innerhalb der Confines meines Seele??????

Sending You on Your way with a smidge of Italian ...........

ho causato SEMPRE le onde ................. mai oi non lo cesser`o ........... appena desdiero che potrei smettere di annegarsi.

Just like water ........... gaze long enough, and it all changes ............ Your blinking will not cause the mood/form to alter .......... nevertheless ................ You will.

B.~

~Going Back, to Go Forward~1-22-2007

Has been dreary, and cold to the bone since yesterday. i awoke at three am this day ............... finished my third book since Friday. More often than not, my inability to sleep allows me these haphazard moments to propel myself within the other worlds of a book. Could not give You a clue as to why i sped through Irving, Tolstoy, Keller, Storm, Goethe, and Fontane (the latter three a collection of short stories).

Hmmmmmmmm ........... wandering back so i may venture forward.

I meet with the board members of the SPCA last week. Seems i was not all "that" insulting upon my final departure some three years back. Coffee and cookies were the snack for this meeting, as opposed to crow pie! Luck of the Irish was with me, i am sure!!!

On this sure to be overcast morn, i look into my yard and focus on a crude, yet sturdy cross............. my thoughts jog back to a most unbecoming moment for me while i was manager of the SPCA over four years ago.

i walk in the SPCA on that most unassuming of days ............. greeted by three workers janked to the high heaven.

"Bob bbbbbbbbi............ something special came in while You were enjoying Your day off."

i smile that gracious smile ........... that shit covering smile! As if.............. probably a black bear hit on the highway again.

"He's in the last run in the back!"

HE .................. hmmmmmmmmmm, this could be MOST uplifiting! i throw open the door to the back room, turned left, and slowly apporach the last run on the right.

HE ........... every molecule of HIM lurches at me, teeth shining from the over-head lights, ears laid flat, coat standing taller than others upon a first greeting. HE ....... bounces off the gate door, shaking it, falls back he does, and returns again with more intensity ............. he keeps at it, and never stammers. HE .......... is beyond incensed.

FUCKING ........... W.O.W ............. i do believe my heart just fluttered!!!!!!

HE was my kinda dog!!!! German Shepard. Markings didn't matter, nor the slop of the hips ......... i was caught up in .......... HIM.

i turn and see them all standing at the door i left open .................. i smile my huge cheesy grin, and say over HIS seething anger.......... "i'll be a tad busy for awhile, can everything be handled??" Bug-eyed, they all just nod, and close the door.

i sit down one foot away from HIS door ............. he would not stop with his rant. Is quite fine by me, we all need to vent ............. and as certain as i am writing these very words, i do so know how he felt.

i kept my legs tucked Indian style, my hands atop my knees, my head down; however, i could still see him. i spoke low, and ever so gently. That enraged him all the more. This exchange went on for an hour ................. than ......... i pushed.

i moved closer to the gate door ............... sitting sideways, knees drawn to my chin, hands atop my knees, head bent .............. able to see him out of my side eye. HE had been barking heatedly for an hour straight, i knew he would fold soon.

i digress, not to soon!
HE backed up, and rammed the gate, trying to chew through the metal. i kept talking, never, EVER moving.......... no matter what. He kept insisting by way of barking, snarling, and spitting HIS protests that i was wasting my time. Hour two was coming to a close.

Finally ............ backed into the corner, yet ever watching me .......... HE never faltered in letting me know he was not pleased. At the very least, he never ceased with this low gut orginating growl. i laid on my side on the cement floor, and took one small chance (huge really) .................. i laced my fingers into the metal door. i wiggled them at him, i implored him to come closer.

i looked this de-lovely sqaure in the eye, and spoke to him ............. "Babe, come on now. Is most unfair that all have given up on You; yet i am here, no matter how much You try to push me away. i know You silly boy, for i was, sometimes still am ........... You. i know anger, and i know fear, dearest One .............. just please ......... take just one more chance." HE wanted the treat i was shaking, so i gently volleyed it in. HE sniffed, ever curious .......... i lobbed another, and than pretended to eat one myself.

Bingo!!!! HE inched out of the corner ............. i stayed laying down ............ still talking to him. At the end of hour three i was in his cage ........... door closed, my back facing out ........... HIM in the corner facing me, head bobbing due to being so spent from our encounter.

Is most encompassing being such a billy-bad-ass, a boy????

i was his chosen one ............. and HE was Tyson. He would allow no others within biting range of his being ......... nor within range of my being.

Once when i was in his cage, trying to let him sniff a lead i wanted to put him on, a Board Member came around the corner, and stood a foot from his run ......... she needed to ask me something or another ................ Tyson lurched for her, the problem being i was closest to the cage door. Tyson stopped just short (of his own accord) from snapping my nose off. She tried shushing him .......... he became enraged that she did not respect his space. i asked her to step back so he could not see her, and in my most shaky alto voice (i am a mezzo), i told him "Down Tyson and No Tyson". He relented, only after looking me deep in my soul ............ letting me know he would never truly let go of his fight ........... for whatever extremely excellent reason he had.

Tyson was a year and a half old ................ he tested positive for heartworms on day three, and no matter what rescue i turned to, not a one would even consider him. He had been turned in by his owner ............ aggressive (he had been kept his whole life in a yard, alone) was the reasoning.

By the rules of the SPCA i worked at, Tyson was to either go up for adoption after three days (since he was turned in by an owner), or euthinazed .......... he was sentenced to the latter for being heartworm positive, and aggressive. i was given a slight stay of exucution for eleven more days.

At all costs ................ Know Your limits .......... inside and out.

i would clear the rooms of people i was walking Tyson through to get him outside ............ funny (not really) those snooty cats did not even faze Tyson!! We went on long walks down the railroad tracks ................... he was rather relaxed when on a lead. He allowed Eric to stand near me, but he could not touch me or Tyson would merely growl.

i pushed REALLY hard. Show me what You want to be Tyson.

i asked Eric to bring Antonio up to the shelter (Eric was certain i had no idea where this animals limits were). i had Tyson on a thirty foot lead ........... i asked Antonio to play in the gravel. i was fifty feet from Antonio ............. i pulled Tyson back in, slowly towards me ................. remember this if You please .......... if an animal is close, less damage can be done. Tyson was by my side and looking at Antonio ........... we walked .............. stopped ............. Tyson pulled ever so little on me. When i was twenty feet from Antonio, i started to circle Tyson .............. small circles ............. letting out the lead at a set point ............... as soon as Tyson was parralell to Antonio. i told Antonio to not look up, not to pay any mind (Eric was standing three feet from Antonio) to Tyson. Within eight minutes, Tyson was within biting (or licking!) range of my son's head. Neither one had a problem with the other .............. did not matter ....... for i knew in my heart of hearts, i could never trust Tyson alone with my son. That is the point of it all .......... trust.

i heard the clank of the outside fence gate .........my asst manager. i pulled Tyson in.

She just looked at me, than at Tyson. "Bobbi, ummmmm, the ummmmm, the Board Members, ummmmmm ..................."

i looked down at Tyson, "when?", i asked .

She looked me dead in my heart ............. "when You have a day off if You.............."

"AS IF. Are they smoking that Cheech and Chong stuff? NO, no, no, no ............ NO. Fine. Okay. Right. i ............... Pile of unrighteous shit this is (i knew they were right)......... and it is a steaming pile no less (i loathed this right i had to wrong). i .......... i will do it. Go back in and tell them i will do it in one hour."

I asked Eric to call my best friend from Virginia Beach, Dave. i have known Dave since i was 19, and we have been the BEST of friends since.

When Dave arrived, i turned and walked in the shelter ......... was way past closing time, yet everyone had stayed. i took Tyson into the euth room ................ and went to the back room where the sedation, and euth meds were kept in a safe. Prior to getting there i had to walk past two Board Members i meet with last week ............ i do not recall the exact wording but i said something along the lines of: "You Fucking, suck ......... get the Fuck out of my way ........... i Fucking loath You two ............ go Fuck Yourselves .............. get Fucked ........... this is far beyond Fucked up .......... You two need to be Fucked over ........... and You Fucking smell" ............. ahhhh well, You get the idea. Upon exiting the back room with the meds ........ again with the aforementioned comments. One does not say such things to Southern Ladies. Wrong as i was, right as they were ............... they never had euthed an animal. Other animals with less potential, and more problems had been allowed to stay at the shelter longer than Tyson ............. the scales of justice would never tip in Tyson's favor.

Do ask me if i gave a flying Fuck how i flunked manners for that day.

My asst manager and three workers were standing in the dog room ............. "We are not going to let You do this alone Bobbi .............. what can we do??" i drew the sedation, and handed the needle to my asst manager. "i am going in the room ............. i will count to ten, my back will be to the door, i will have Tyson in a hold .................. leave the door open when You enter, stick his hind leg, than step out and close the door." She just nodded.

i went in .............. knelt down ............ trying hard as i could NOT to shake ............ as i ALWAYS do .......... i drew Tyson close, wrapped an arm around his neck near his head, and one around his abdomen. i heard the door open ............ i felt Tyson tense, and attempt to move away from my torso ................. he yelped, and i began to cry, and shake uncontrollable. My asst manager was gone in a flash. i let Tyson loose, and i just hung my head ............... yet still Tyson came back to me. Less than one hundred and twenty seconds later, his back legs began to sway, i caught Tyson right before he started to melt. i kicked the door leading into the dog room like a mule thumping on a barn door. Four people came rushing into the room .......... i held my hand up ........... they stopped and Tyson fell into my lap ............... whining, and looking up into my very soul.

The door leading outside flung open, and there stood Eric, and Dave. i grabbed Tyson's limp head, pulling him up to my face .............. his tongue fell out, and i starting sobbing so hard, i almost vomited............... everyone was crying. i asked for the euth med ............. Eric and Dave had a hand each on both of my shoulders, imploring me to let someone else finish. My asst manager was on her kness, whispering she would do it ................ "would i please just go now??" (leave NOW......... when this was probably harder for him, than it was for me .......... AS IF) i took the needle .............. leand over Tyson, and said: "Babe, i am so sorry, i know You tried, and i did as well. Was not good enough, so it seems. Thank You .......... for trusting me, changing me ............. for teaching me so very much."

We all stayed with Tyson for thirty more minutes, than Eric and Dave loaded Tyson's remains into Dave's truck, and brought him here ......... they buried Tyson in this backyard for me ............. after it was all said and done ........... i sat there ............ next to his grave .............. until the next morn. i chose to, i will just say ............. i rarely ever allowed myself the luxury to cry again when having to do such a task. Later ............. ahhhhhhhh yes, almost EVERYDAY.

Is a most bitter pill to swalllow knowing You let another being down ............... especially when they trusted You with all they had. This being opening up allowed me to do so as well. i have never, ever loved another being so much .......... so deeply in such a short amount of time.

Tyson rests next to Excalibur ................... the two who choose me ........... the two who always trusted me ......... counted on me ............... needed me as much as i needed them. Tyson's ragged collar is in the attic in the box with all the cards and letters i keep.

i have yet to own another dog to date, nor have i allowed another to own my heart to date. Have been a good many close calls!!! ............ yet still, i seem unable to give what i know said animal deserves ............... unconditional LOVE.

As last weeks meeting was drawing to a close, one of the Board Members i so horribly unloaded on some four years back regarding Tyson said: "well Bobbi, we are quite pleased to have You back. i will have to bring Chyenne up to see You again ............. You do remember, don't You?? You know .......... the collie that would not eat due to her extreme fear of the world as a whole, .......... so You fed her by hand ............ morning, noon, and night for two weeks straight??? You know Bobbi .............. You called her Miss Chy ............ i adopted her, and would bring her up to see You every so often at the shelter?!!?!!?!!?"

Going back can be horrid ............... nevertheless, it affords us the chance to relive moments that are over shadowed ( lost in the umbra) by the more gigantic losses. We lose sight ......... at times ............. about what propelled us forward in the first place.

Going back is most painfully-sweet ............ if we allow it ............. makes going forward so very clear.

The day will be cold and overcast ............ my core is warmed by certain areas of my past, ............ my thoughts are crystal clear as i head back to work at the SPCA today.

B.~

~Cynthia cardui~ 1-26-2007

You ............. as well as i ............. wonder how many times i shall partake in a metamorphosis????

Only nature knows, and she is not speaking.

Nevertheless, if You are most still within Yourself ........... if You listen ever so painstakingly ............. she does whisper from time to time.

~Timing is everything, yet luck has more to do with it than You think.~

i was not a tiny caterpillar for as long as i should have been ..................... the world as a whole has different plans than those of our own longing.

As i chose the road less traveled, each instar was smaller, and more compact than the one proceeding. Live and learn, or die young and unknowing.

All to often i have hung by that single thread of my chrysalis ................ uncertain as to how i saw my way clear of such extreme environments.

My pent up nitrogenous waste, which is simply to say ...............

My meconium fluid colored by way of ommochromes correlated with my magenta pterine chemicals was ................... ahhhh well ............. IS ......... eliminated in massive amounts.

Such a turn of events results in what was coined by those of the Middle Ages as:

The Rain of Blood ............ so said they, and so seemed i to be. More often than not (although NOT always) of my own doing.

The wet sand i longed to seek refuge near ............... seek life from ............. very often gave way to a mud that is merely called what it is ................ quicksand. Discriminating where i was to journey, my next step could result in me becoming trapped.

Although my proboscis is as tireless at as the Santa Ana winds ................ never have i pierced the body of a wolly ophids. Contrary to popular belief, i do NOT seek out the rotting fruit from days go by .................. yet such a bouquet follows me still.

My compound eyes watch You ever so honorably ......... reliably ........ faithfully ........... meticulously ............ scrupulously .............. i know You inside and out .......... however i utter not a single sound ............... less the tidal wave of air swirling about Your head resulting from my rapid departure .................

i implore You to ........

Let me go ................ know i will return ................

If You can not locate me in the Thistle, know i will be waiting for You in the Pearly Everlasting.

So the wind blows ............. so shall i be ........... wondering how it is one flows ............. to that space where i shall become free.

For i am ....................

The

American Painted Lady Butterfly.

B.~

A Happy New Year to You a/All.......... that is until You finish reading this most ranting, and incendiary entry.

Have You ever seen bombs over Baghdad????
 
They have not a thing on my implosion..... yet as much as i adore the written word, i wish to set them aside and allow those far more lyrical to do my bidding on this day. Saying FUCK four hundred times just does not have the desired affect as i would like it to. That being said.........
This is probably a tri folded anger.... if i must be introspective.

i....... as usual...... find my way to music; the written word dancing in the sound waves, moving me to..... expand my physiacl limits.
Wish i may, wish i might, it can not propel me past that stage in the grief process known as the "brick wall of anger".

i miss You... more today than i did five days ago, and the ten prior to that, Dearest Godfather. i keep the Thank You note Your wife sent ..... is in my purse........ thanking me for the reading i did for/about You....... thanking me for laying the Pall (sheet) atop Your mere physical remains.... telling my how You adored me so, and to continue to make You proud of the woman i have become. "Much Love & God Bless" she wrote last..........
ok...... ummmmm, this is where i need some music, if You please. The louder the better. So very piercing, sonorous, blaring, tumultuous, blustering, and bombastic i am uncertain if that is base or my heartbeat ringing in my ears. i implore the windows to explode with me. 
Never the matter.... as long as it drowns out this.......... ohhhhhhhhh, whatever this is. 

Let me start with "Metallica"...... how i relate to every song on their "Black" CD made in Oct of 90' and finished in June of 91'. A bit mainstream compared to their "And Justice For All" CD. Now i feel compelled to say, ...... if it is SLAP MY BITCH UP-KNOCK YOUR DICK IN THE DIRT-SMILIN' BUTTFUCK ardor You seek, well, ......... You would be better suited to listening to Metallica's "Puppets" CD. 

Opppppps...... i digress, how very drunken salior of me....... so very unladylike to speak as i did. i am so very contrite, please..... do forgive me!  :)~
Anyway, One can not overlook the classically trained James Hetfield............ Ulrich, Hammett, and Newsted help Metallica to become a moving Picaso.

More modern day Nicholai Gogol, i do believe. my most favored quote is by Gogol:
"Why was i designated to acquire knowledge of the soul of man NOT otherwise than through a strict analysis of my own soul??"

Ahhhh well, back to thumping my windows loose! Metallica, yes that is it....... METALLICA ...... Black CD....

~"The Struggle Within"........... always Dearest Uncle..............
"reaching out for something You've got to feel..
while clutching to what You thought was real".
~"The God that Failed
"............
"i see faith in Your eyes..
never You hear the dicouraging lies..
i hear faith in Your cries..
broken is the promise, betrayal..
the healing hand held back by the deepened nail..
Follow the God that failed".

i finished the book "The Namesake", by Jhumpa Lahiri, Dearest Godfather. Yes, of course, i get it........my name........ NOW.

Bad, bad form......... my rage is set aside by the mail.... another gift from Your wife Dearest Godfather. Right on point........... more music.
Ahhhhhhh well, back to bad form as i listen to this disc........ is in memory of You.
~ "Through the Years"..........
"i can't remember when You wern't here"..

well lets just bring me to my knees again......
~ "Danny Boy".........
"
but come ye back when summers in the meadow.. or when the valleys hushed and white with snow, tis i'll be here in sunshine and in shadow...... Oh Danny Boy, Oh Danny Boy....... we Love You so".

Just PEACHY!!!
i had to hear this at Your funeral, and now is in my home, to follow me as i pace back and forth afront this brick wall.
You know me Dearest Godfather..... this keeps up, as submissive as i am, i may very well punch someones head square...... probably my own!
i just miss You...... deeply, madly, sweetly.... as i ALWAYS shall.

**Now........... allow us to venture to that topic which most of You prefer to speak about...... Yourselves...... Your needs... and wants.... by way of music.... of course.
Nothing more pleasing for me to do....... than focus on YOU!

Suki, suki........... it is on now!!!  :)~ Lets get dirty, and sweat a little, shall we??!!!!!

May i first say, the following is intended with the utmost respect i could possibly extend to You..... if this does NOT apply to You...... well, than sit back and have a good laugh, trying not to choke on whatever libation is of Your choosing.

i implore You to stop asking me inane questions....... drowning me in simpleton statements. If You are unable to locate that which You see in Your mirror daily, and properly relay it into a written photo, bother not in contacting me.
 Others are more suited in stating my needs here.......... back to "Metallica's"  Black CD again.
~"Holier than Thou"............

"NO MORE! the crap rolls out Your mouth again..
haven't changed Your brain is still gelatin..
little whispers circle around Your head..
why don't You worry about Yourself instead..
who are You? Where ya been? Where ya from? ..
gossip is burning on the tip of Your tongue..
You lie so much You believe Yourself..
judge not lest ye be judged Yourself..
before You judge me take a look at You..
can't You find something better to do..
point the finger, slow to understand..
arrogance and ignorance go hand and hand..
it's not who You are it's who You know..
others lives are the basis of You own..
burn Your bridges build them back with wealth..
judge not lest ye be judged Yourself......
You know NOT".

Unable to break that down and get the point Sir(s)????????????
Need to further know that which i seek............ hmmmmm.

Turn up, that is if You are
~"Of Wolf and Man"............ ROCK Your molars out of Your cranium, if You please.........
"taking of the fallen lamb" ..
mmmmmmmmmm, careful now..........
 
You know me not.
Tumbleweed i may be...... nevertheless, Hetfield and Ulrich wrote it best in:
~"Don't Tread on me".........
"
once You provoke her, rattling of her tail..
Love it or leave it, she with the deadly bite..
quick as the blue tongue, forked as the lightening strike".

Apporach with truth Sir(s)............ then one is never deemed "The Unforgiven". "Wherever i may Roam". is of my choice, i do so thank You all the same ........ "Through the Never"....... please, please, ohh please.... i beseech You to bring me about to the point where......... "Nothing Else Matters", to make You my ever........ "Sad But True"......... even more so now as i dig my way out from under ........ "My Friend of Misery" ............... ahhhh well, time to exit....... "Enter Sandman".

i so long to serve my One, yet again
(ohhh gosh, that is a ROCKIN' song on the "And Justice For All" Metallica CD!!!!! ~ONE~ ) nevertheless, these games You play........ are akin to lil' bitches in the school yard. Do stop boring me if You please..... step up, or simply keep steppin', most deferentailly i say the above.... but of course, Sir(s)!

In closing Sir(s), allow me to bring this to a slower, less aggressive ending........ non-Metallica i mean!!
To those of You who are worth my deeply bent bow, and downcast eyes......... i reach for...............

~How Great Thou Art"...........
"than i shall bow, in humble adoration, and there proclaim, MY God....... How Great Thou Art".

Be Well....... Be Truthful....... Continue to Seek.... and now.......

i have had quite enough of this fucking wall ..... sizing up that i am unable to scale it, nor merely walk around it, for it is never ending.......... found my boot straps i have........am going to dig my way under and OUT........ like yesterday, before noon!

Ready Love........... do You have a STRANGLEHOLD?!?!?!?!

B.~


WHY............. WHY WHY WHY?

i just want to know WHY?
 
FUCKING WHY.... anyone ...... anyone.....

WHAT THE FUCK........

Trying to download some recent photos of myself....... bumped off by the phone....

dang!

"Bobbi Lynn...... " says my retired cop/fireman father.

"Dad.....hey..... how are You doing Sir?"

"Good.... no, not really...... Bobbi Lynn.. i need you to sit down...... are you....."

"Dad?? What is it? Dad... come now..... DAD...... please......"

"It is your Uncle Bob..... Bobbi Lynn..... he had a massive heart attack and died a few hours ago. ~ Bobbi........ Bobbi Lynn???"

"Dad..... no....come on dad........ DAD..... DAD.....no....i....... dad...............what........where..... when....... dad, i'm going to vomit, hang on a minute."

And so my day turned to dust.

My Godfather..........
The one i went to.... who has mentored me forever..... the one who i am named after...... my mother's best friend..... her older brother......... an awesome Uncle...... a go-between....... would offer me the shirt off his back.......

Just gone......... i am so fucking lost...... i am .... can not think....... or see.......... or type.... or eat.....or

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK................. i need to vomit again.

WHY
WHY
WHY

There is no answer....... fucking inane question..... it just is what it simply is.

i need to go..... do laundry.....pack....... i need my people.

Fucking sixty/eighty people in my immediate family on my mother's side......... i can not get anyone on the phone......... finally. I speak to my Uncle's wife........

"i need to know...... he knew i loved him so, right??"

"Ohhhh Bobbi Lynn, God yes, he knew..... you are his namesake..... he adored you, bunny."

The phone is passed to eight other women...... telling me what to do until i arrive home in the next day............

"It is who we are..... now go cook or bake something, and than do some cleaning!!!!" 



Oh my God.... i need to .... just one more time..... to tell him i love him so.... please....... i forgot to tell him...... how he altered me...... how i am better for being his niece....... that i did listen.......... and really heard him... i need to give him my book...... that my poem is published in...... was going to be his Christmas present....... i need..... just five minutes.... just one peck on the cheek from him.

Where is Gibran????........ FUCK ...... i lent him to my sisiter inlaw........ i need his soothing manner.....

no......
i need my Godfather.

Say it now.... the next instant may not be Yours.

B.~ 

i look up and through my eyelashes..... my mint green eyes smiling. My low..... soft draw asks:

"Testing....... one, two.... one two.
Is this thing on??"

Some attention if You please.

Which will it be........ top beat, or an undertone??
Of course..... always the undertone....... 

Your heartbeat.

Accommmodate me in locating myself, if You can.

Is the tempo of Your heartbeat quick, yet vigorous, or merely nonchalantly intense??

Never the matter....... Your rhythm invades me.

Close my eyes i do..... tilt my head back, tickling the middle of my back with my bonfire mane....... 

One, two.... One, two............

My hips sway, the rise and fall cascading to my fingertips and toes.

i sashay soooooooo slowly to You........ 

Can You feel it in Your body?....... Your muscles?....... Your bones?..........  
mmmmmmmmmmm.....
Your soul my Love?? 

What i want, i don't need...... and what i need, i have yet to be given. 

TRUST ~ Guardianship

Allow another to take the lead...... having NO reservations about another....... teaches me....... grants me a belief in myself i have yet to converge with. Such a trust builds strength......... exclusively, as well as collectively.......... with ONE other that is.

TRUTH ~ Infallibility

You extend Your hand to mine....... You offer me the Best of the very Best. The convexity of my spine locates Your rhythm....... in several areas.

As i back up to You........ Your reserved strength reaches around..... firmly, yet gently turning my head so my ear can feel the moisture of Your lips.

Your rhythm is intoxicating, enchanting. You whisper so very low:
"So you have found a place to assign the blame...... NEVER means the problem will vanish."

ONE SELECTION ~ Preference

Where is my peace???

TRUSTing another to GUIDE me.... leads me to my INFALLIBLE and PREFERRED TRUTH:


Submission..................... 
being
Submissive.

B.~

 

Lost in the day to day.... get up go, go, go... get it done..... fall out....jolt awake again to do it all over the next day....
Necessary to stop for just a moment when the days begin to bleed into one another.

Has been a tad since I last recorded my thoughts on the wall for all to see.

Ahhh......Miguel de Cervantes, Sir Walter Scott, Samuel Beckett, Rudyard Kipling, Nathaniel Hawthorne, William Faulkner, Vector Hugo, Emile Zola, Giovanni Boccaccio, Thomas Mann, Nikolai Gogol, Fyodor Dostoevsky, and  Leo Tolstoy would most assuredly bulk at my ........ ummmmm........ sulking!!!

Again....... from all over you come..... giving bits and pieces of your selves'........
The "Shadow" comes forth drawing me out, giving,  far to patient, always asking..... my "Dearest Pet" ever constant, authentic....... my "Vision" becomes more clear when speaking to you..... the "Thunder" rolls from time to time, allowing a smile to descend from my eyes into the confines of my heart......... my laughter is quite "Sharp" as it reverberates within my own ears........ You reach out to "Touch", I know not what to say...... the "Sea" offers to stimulate me in a cerebral sense.....how "Shy" you are, nevertheless, you come forth to speak with me...... what to say when the "Heart" speaks........"Eve" must leave to do the work that must be done to keep the city safe........ the "Spoter" leaves me in quite a mental quandary........ to think, I.... me...  assisted an "Alpha" with the day...... my "Mood" is ever the same;
 
As I choose to change all around me and the majority of what I have buried within.

Ahhhh....... I could very well go on and on... plucking at the threads .......... the threads you have sewn into the very fabric of my being........ speaking about each and every one of You without really giving away the color of You.... and how that (You.....all of You) has altered me. 

It has been stated to me that a very simple "Thank You" is quite fitting......... seems so sorely understated though.......
just not enough.

"Keep It Simple stupid"...... as my Fire Chief grandfather used to say to his eight children.

Three mothers, as well as three fathers I have.
 
Nine brothers and two sisters...... the Irish do know a thing or two about gettin' giggy!!!

A person departs..... evaporates....... dies.
I go when summoned..... entering the present...... propelled into the past as I pull open the doors of that Catholic Church...... unaware I am about to be given a clarity regarding my future.

Child- Girl- Daughter- Sister- Niece- God/daughter- Grand/daughter- Cousin- Friend- Lover- Woman- Mother- Wife of sixteen years- ...... all threads of me..... not one is the be all end all of me.  Never the victim, yet needing a Savior....... always at a crossroads.

Do as I was trained.......
Dip two fingers into the Holy water, making a sign of the Cross. 
Well check this out........ my forehead is not bubbling akin to boiling water..... seems my sins are not as close to the surface as I had thought!!!!  :)

Walk down the aisle...... I stop at the pew second from the front..... kneel before Christ.......again, the sign of the Cross I make, prior to taking my seat. I find my Rosary..... she brings no comfort.
 
Do as I was trained.......
Ponder the fifteen decades..... silently say the Our Father, followed by ten Hail Mary's, and the Glory Be to the Father..... repeat.

The Priest begins to speak........ his demeanor, his vernacular, his tone.... does irriate me so.
He steps down from his position..... leans upon the first pew, and looks at the person behind me, and to my left.
He is staring, not looking.... and speaking to a part of me.............. MY eleven year old son.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT PRIEST STARING AT???
 
I swear to Jesus before me, if this man does not stop eye ballin' my child, I am going to box his ears, and jab is eyes out with this Rosary that is cutting into my palm!!!!
Hell....... I do so need to chill...... I just became ghetto up in this Church!!!

I reach my hand over the back of the pew..... without looking, I find five fingers that instinctively reach for me as well.
I'm fine ... truly ~ relaxed....... collected.... centered.

The Priest's gaze shifts to my left. I look over and he is engaging My three year old daughter.... MY "donna pecola bella". I watch her watch him. She fears all...... yet she speaks to him.

Ohhh shit fire to save matches!!!! Here I go again!
Just chill Bobbi Lynn.... the man is merely speaking.

I reach across myself and find her gloved tiny fingers..... she turns to me, tilts her precious head..... and I melt into her.

Both of my hands are touching the future, as the Priest carries on about the past.

Blah, blah, blah.... I never was one to listen to those I do not respect.  Keep my eyes forward, nod every so often.........

Without any prior notice, my eyes are drawn to the stain glass windows.
I hear the sunlight pierce the gloom with a golden bar, which is whirred in a hail of myriad colors..... I listen to the atoms which dance in that golden bar. It is the song that is found at the root of all things.....

My
Song of Resurrection.

The song is rather vivid, and the melody plunges within my being..... my depth seems infinite........

That place within us all....
 
Where cobalt fades to black... only to than fuse into vermilion that catapults one into that achromatic space of our being.

The whole experience is quite transcendental.

All seems rather salient..... the clarity of my future found in dust particles that swirl about in the sunlight of a Church during a funeral.

Let go of the lie that has come to be for the past sixteen years.... return to that which altered my being.... that which I allowed to keep me from being ...... me.

Assist in making the future a better place..... by those who come from me........... by those I came from....... and because, rather simply:

I am worth the effort to find my personal truth.

Time to move..... inside and out.

Such sinnin'....... thinking solely of myself!!!

Ahhhhh, that will need to be covered by at least a Prayer of Light, a Guardian Angel Prayer, a Prayer for Those Who Need Courage, a Prayer for Those in Stress, a Hail Holy Queen, ohhh and less I forget...
For Poor Souls:
"May the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace." 
Amen.

Indeed.

The soul that has departed ... allowing one's true self to shine through.

Stellar!

I do so thank you Father......
Now if you will kindly keep your mortal stares from penertrating my off-spring, Sinner-man...... I think we should take our leave!!! Ohhh yes.... and do go with God!!!!!!!  :)~

Free-will.
Thank You Jesus!!!

Freely submissive.
About time Bobbi Lynn.............ummmm Thank You, or rather.... Thank me!!

Quite free to kick someone's backside atop their shoulders when I venture back to where I began!
I will simply give Thanks to my ancestors for that piquancy threaded into my soul!!!

~ Snap ~
Did I write that last one down?!?!!!
Ahhhhh, my ummmm...... saucy Irish roots coming through!!!!!

Some things have a freedom all unto themselves!!!!
Thank God for that...... for I am certainly going to hell!!!!!

B.~


 

So much has been contributed to me this past week......... I am awe-struck by the amount of instruction, and enlightment you all have granted me.
Offering so freely you do......... from everywhere......... California, Spain, Michigan, Florida, Arizona, North Carloina, Australia, Oregon, Jersey, Finland, Quebec, Alabama, New York, Spain, and Indiana!! I could go on, and on........ about your poems, your French, your stories, your advice, your German, your warnings, your pure felicitation, your questions, and your adulation, flattery, and approval of the thoughts that spring forth from my mind.  

I have been stuck, so to speak.........with regards to my thoughts........  for there are times when all that is ........ takes an impromptu turn.

A family member just passed this very morning..... and although it was not a sudden passing......... I am struck by the coextending similarities of this woman's passing......... all of you....... all you have offered..... all that you seek......... as well as myself......... and that which I seek.

When that moment within a space of time is percise for each of us .......... we give ......... what is needed for the next moment to build upon the aforementioned.


I must have read Gibran's view of death a hundred times this past week........... trying to locate the answer of where this woman's journey is about to take her.
As sure as the sun does rise....... it dawns on me..... her journey continues........ as does all life after death. This woman's journey shall forge ahead within me. I am forever altered by that which I have gained from her..... positive, and negative.

I meander about the rooms of my home, wander through the yard...... laz about in the hammock as the Carolina steaminess thumps on every last pore....... pounding like the question at the forfront of my mind:

"If you perished this very day....... would you be content with all you have given thus far??............. have you given yourself the truth, that above all else, is the one gift that should be given...... truth about whom it is you are......... the truth that your heart desires for??"
I hang onto the question......... the moment...... prevents the next moment......... the next question from knocking.

I do a back-flip out the hammock......... cursing at my own rhetorical question.
Back inside, I thumb through book after book...... I locate what I need to propel me to the next moment. I lay back amid the mountain of books surrounding me.........  

The time will come
When with elation
you will greet yourself arriving at your own door,
in your own mirror
and each will smile at the others welcome
and say,
sit here.
Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was yourself ~
Give wine.
Give bread.
Give back your heart to itself,
to the stranger who has loved you all your life,
whom you ignored for another,
who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit.
Feast on your life. 

                                Derek Wallcott
                              *Love After Love



Find me......... my truth....... speak my truth as I see it........ listen to the truth as others see it....... and when my last day is upon me..................

I shall truly be at my clearest......... .at one with my excat, infallible, and authentic self.

B.~ 

We have meet many times in the past.......... nevertheless..........

Today...
I have been looking for you....... awaiting your arrival with bated breath.

I lay myself before you, and willing give you all that I am.
You know every fiber of my being.... from the cursory bun at the nap of my neck, to the very core of my soul and back again.

Nothing adorns my physical form except for a chartreuse thong..........a slight glistening of oil atop my skin irradiates in to your realm.

I feverishly extend my arms above my head. My chest heaves from the weight of you...... I turn my head to the side......... a useless attempt to rebuff you.  I am in the confines of your savage, rancorous, and unsympathetic grip........ you have no intention of releasing me anytime soon.

There are certain moments in time where it is your nature to be heavenly oppressive........... even instantaneous when your tryannical force causes me to seek out the umbra....... merkiness that does not cloak me in the least.

You find me still. 
And why should you not?? Is I who came to you this day.......

Be ohhhhh so careful what you wish for.

I secret that which you have infused within me...... beads of sweat adorn every exposed piece of my now inflamed skin.

I have willingly submitted myself unto you ...... sought you out even; nevertheless, your omnipotent as well as your omnipresence is ..... to say the least...... extinguishing.

Your torridness is akin to Satan's Kingdom. My once recalcitrant mindset is now wilting before you........ you alter ever possible thing about my being.... nothing is off limits to you.
  
I allow a slow, deep moan to escape my body....... I can stand your fervor not a milli-second longer.

I turn over onto my stomach, exposing the dorsal portion of my being for your taking. Your radiant self is all to delighted in obliging me.

I feel the movement of you....... osculating your way up from the back of my knees to the lobes of my ears...... meandering you are.... taking your ever sweet time.

You alter my albescent skin to a terra cotta.  I will be feeling the effects of our encounter for days...... wondering why I search for you so, when you cause me so much discomfort.
I can not seem to fill myself with enough of your torment, and torture.

Although in a different position, I once again exude all that you have thrust within me.......upon me. 
Drippings caused by you pool onto the small of my back.

You begin to back away from me......... finished with me for the time being.

I sigh....... abdicating myself to your departure.

I pick up the towel I was lounging on....... turn....... 
and say to myself:

"What a glorious day.......
for reclining in........ bequeathing myself to.......................
the
 
SUN!!"

B.~
 

SHE is unrivaled.......... not any one thing can possibly top the Ocean.
Not a portion of her is prosaic, or unsophisticated. She is unequaled in every possible way.

I think it is worth saying that the Outer Banks are stellar........ where I seek myself.......  from time to time.

The ocean to me is a raw, engrossing, ruinous, domineering, agreeable,  tranquil, demanding, forgiving, and an invading entity.

                              ~ She is PULL. ~

She pulls me in....... oddly familiar with my person, my soul.
Ceaselessly accepting of me...... for she is aware of how ones' mood can be altered in a matter of seconds.

She asks not a single thing of me...... simply to listen...... and to allow myself to be taken by her..... to allow her to....... 

Pull me to the surface....... to extract the answers I fear uttering to another..... to coax my truth out from behind the facade I have put forth.

I sit on her edge as the sun begins to set.......close, but not to near. Her vast exterior twinkles at me........ engaging me to give myself unto her. I turn away..... yet I hear her still...... smell her ever more.  
She cares not for my coyness. She knows me better than I know myself.

She breaks her waves at my feet...... grazing my coral painted toenails. My breath is caught in my chest. An electrifying jolt is sent up my spine; with no where to go, it merely ping pongs about within me. I shiver and glance about as the goosebumps she has evoked appear.
I extend my feet..... beckoning her to me, yet fearful of her as well. As she rushes up my legs, I intuitively place my hands behind me.......gripping the sand. Petrified she may take to much..... to soon. 

She withdraws...... relinquishing myself back to me.

Odd......................

Her departure vexs me due to the feeling of incomplete-ness I have...... from the lack of her pull.

I need her pull....... want it.

I lay back ........ no longer in fear of what she may take. She is ever so gentle, stern, and relentless in a most soothing fashion.
My eyes focus on the apricot, and heliotrope mixture that makes up the sky. Ever so gingerly, my vision blurs, as my eyelids descend.

Just..............................
relax.

For no other reason than that she has returned...... a smile adorns my salt smattered lips. 

Her unvarying rhythm sets me at ease...... calms my fears, and allows my breathing to become uniform. 

Each time she nibbles at me........ I am closer to allowing her all that I am.

She is tolerant..... to a degree.

Let go Bobbi Lynn....................
Let go I hear her say within the confines of the wind that caress' my ears..... let go of that which troubles your mind, and weighs down your heart akin to an oversized anchor.

My smile evaporates, and the kinship of our souls' rush to meet. My tears cascading to her shoreline.

When ever you need me to pull you to the surface.... do come to me...... I am here for you.... always.

I open my eyes and notice the sky is now void of color, yet clear. I adjust my vision to the millions' of stars above me.
One star twinkles, another...... simply winks! Fear not, the wind tells me they say. Your secrets are safe with her.

~ Let go.... let it flow into her........ smile because she has allowed your soul to be light again, and granted your mind freedom...............  than turn and merely................................. 
walk
away. ~ 

No need to see her dissolve your troubles.

They are yours no more.


B.~

So many thanks I yearn to send out.

 ~ At least a half of dozen well wishes to continue with my steadfast stance when merely sharing my thoughts. ~

Many more magnanimously natured people than I would have possibly imagined. 

Invigorating........ and quite exhilarating.

There are ceratin instantaneous' where eating "crow pie" is not all that bad a position to be in!!!

I especially find your thoughts.....quotes........ and, opinions about this lifestyle to be an enriching experience.
One can never possibly know enough.......... what a loaded statement!! 

Up until this very day, I had yet to encounter a Dom/Domme who would bother to share a favored author, quote a poem, or anything of the like.
I was (until this very day) under the impression that in order to be a worthy sub it would be in my best interest to just keep my pie hole in check..... in an all around manner.

For the love of all that is Holy....... the sky will fall before I ever acquire the ability to not speak!!
 
The matter for me is more about trying to utter that which I have imprisioned whithin myself...... the mania, hunger, and craving I long to brake through the surface........to come to life.

B.~
Unable to find quietude. Slumber again eludes me.

Decided to go on a minor wanderlust this past pre- dawn.
 
Gingerly backed the Chrysler Conquest from the garage.
Needed to go..... somewhere.... anywhere.
Sun had yet to rise...... all was still. Found an excellent radio station, turning it up to the point of ripping through the repressed country side.
I digress, is I who is represssed........ is I who long to hear the reveille.
Open space.... lonely road. Despite the roar of music.... I feel the Conquest calling to me......urging me to bury the speedometer. 
But of course.... as you wish!
Ease onto a fairly new stretch of road.... not another living soul in sight........wide open...... flat...... inviting...... fifth gear is found in a matter of micro-seconds.
All can be shrouded, yet fully exposed in the covet of darkness.
I push the Conquest to ninety...... not a single thought springs forth from my mind. Around the speed of one-thirty my mind lights up.
"So Bobbi", I say..... "you are capable of pushing this car to a near blurring point, yet you yourself are not even close to being this open to another."
Trust another to drive, Bobbi.
"Give it a go girl.... see where your wanderlust may take you."
I'm finally spent at a speed of one-fifty. Shaking I am...... from toenails to hair follicles that adorn my head.
Time to return to the starting point.
The sun is rising..... a new day awaits me.

New day..... new issues to conquer........ old issues to put to rest.
 
The Conquest purrs as I ease her back into the garage.  She has given me all she has, with not a single sputter objecting my need to find her limit.
A lesson to be had in every situation we encounter......
My lesson today.......

I to shall attempt to give...... all that I am...... minus any sputtering.

B.~

Amazing....truly it is. Jocular to the point of making me slide out of my chair, heaving on the floor with laughter!!!

I left my profile empty for a reason.

My, my, my, the responses I have received as a result of that single choice!!!!

It has been said to me....... what you put forth, so shall be returned to you.
Empty profile..... in return, empty minds respond.

 I do not desire to give any single thought of mine to another unless I find them to be meritorious. 

Without a second thought I can say I am amenable, and my quest is to be as ameliorated as one can be .......more than even I could imagine, is my hope.

I suppose out of shere boredom, I inscribed a quote from a book I luxuuriate in.

Seems to have been just the pesticide needed to kill off all the weeds, ....... allowing only the flowers to bloom !!
I do so wonder if I would render even more speechless by telling them I really do enjoy Tolstoy??!!!

Sub I am...... inane I am not.

What shall ever come to pass when I tell others I have been published??!!!

I am quite new to all this, however, I must have missed the banner that requested I leave my cerebellum at the door!
I implore you to not mistake my newness as a place to wipe your feet..........nor a place to swab your other body parts!

Saying nothing states more than the printed word could ever evoke.
B.~