lady2die4

i was sat at a glass table in front of a tall man in a gray suit. i assumed he was the Director. the man warned me about the tough reality of show business. i told him i was very hardworking and willing to learn. next thing i knew, i was in a small space surrounded by heavy red velvet curtains with 3 girls and 1 asian guy peaking in periodically. the girls started hussling over me, taking measurements and writing things down in little notepads. one of the girls didn't seem too happy about my 28" waist. i suggested i could wear a waist cincher; she quickly retorted that unless we manage to cinch my waist down 2.5 inches, i probably won't be getting the gig. i was shocked but was said nothing. she took a look at the cincher i happened to have on me and said it was crap. Appalled, i looked down at it and saw that it was, indeed, terribly worn and downright filthy! (in reality the cincher is as good as new.) the other girl said it's not going to happen because my legs are too short. i felt like they just looking for something, ANYTHING, to make me feel bad about. this particular remark made no sense, since proportions were insifnificant for this role. i said i could wear heels to enlongate my legs. she produced ridiculous powder-blue shoes out of a box - probably 6" tall, the kind that karen nelson wore in the blue orchid video by the white stripes? i could barely keep balance standing, let alone walk anywhere in them... but I was determined to make it work so i sucked it up. the 3rd girl, evidently a make-up artist, looked at my face as if it was a wooden board and said she could only invision the "silver make-up" on me. i had no idea what it meant, although sure it was something bad, but chose not to opine.

then came the dancing part. i was to repeate elaborate, synchronized moves after 6 girls, dressed in matching pink chiffon dresses. by the way they jumped, i had no doubts they were professional dancers. i tried to keep up as best as i could but was always off - i was not familiar with neither the song, nor the routine. i mean, it included pushing small buttons in the floor with your back which made water shoot out of the fountains, for christ's sake! then we were supposed to perform weird jumps around the room, singing the same short phrase over and over. i picked up on the lyrics eventually, but as soon as i opened my mouth, everyone turned around and stared in outrage!

the judges were clearly unimpressed. my dancing sucked, my singing was no good. one of them exhaled in irritation and called out the gay asian guy to the floor. the guy did a crazy, ballet-like piruet and wanted me to mirror it. i tried my very best, but it came out very awkward. yet somehow I felt that the guy actually liked me. eventually after 15 minutes of practicing the same move over and over, i was able to do it flawlessly. the guy seemed pleased; he winked and said there was hope for me after all. then came the acting part: the same asian guy showed me how to "die" on the pillow - eyes closed, serene expression on face, mouth slightly open. the whole thing seemed ridiculous. he said my character was to act like a spoiled princess (i originally thought she was something like cinderella, for some reason).

the man in the gray suit srung out of nowhere, like jack-in-the-box - shaking my hand and congratulating me upon successfully completing yet another stage of my training. he then looked into my eyes and told me to stay away from all sweets and fattening foods for the next week! "you know how it is," he shrugged, "you get a craving for a candy bar and before you know it, you've gained a couple pounds!" i thought it was kind of obnoxious, if not rude, of him to tell me this. then another guy called me into a small curtained space and began reading questions. i was to provide quick, clear answers. later i realised this may have been the "paparazzi training". questions were random and often didn't make sense, but i did remember some of them:

Q: so do you think you're pretty then?
A: i'm think i'm average looking. but with makeup and good lighting I can look good.

Q: if you saw a picture of someone's house and it was a total mess, what would you say to them?
A:i'd say nothing. i would not comment at all.

Q: even if they had a hammock in the living room?
A: i'd complement them on the hammock, if it worked with the rest of the room, i suppose.

Q: if you had a sea of fans in front of you, how would you greet them? Show me.

feeling like a total idiot, i smiled the broadest smile i could muster, waved at the imagined 'crowd' and blew air kisses. the man in the gray suit seemed very impressed by the air kisses idea and nodded approvingly to the gay guy.

next thing, i found myselef in a hallway filled with what seemed like a hundred strangers, waiting in a line. "actors", i thought to myself. the 'mean' girls i'd met earlier were sitting at the table at the front of the line, filling out some kind of cards. when i got close enough, i could see they were commenting on the strengths and weaknesses of candidates. the girl in front of me hung her head and walked away in shame - the mean lady gave less than flattering feedback.

my stomach turned upside down as my turn came. i watched the girl writing all sorts of awful things about my dancing, singing, and acting abilities. and THAT's when it hit me: they were testing me! they were testing my determination, my willingness to work hard even if I'm being put down every step of the way. and when I saw her starting to scribble the word "FUGLY" (in caps, no less!) on the bottom of the form, i declared:

"i appreciate you giving me this opportunity but am afraid i can't take this part. i thought my character would be hardworking and good-hearted like myself; but instead, she is shallow and spoiled. i suppose i disagree with the director's vision, and thus must turn down the role."

to my disbelief, the woman looked up straight at me and scratched out the word "FUGLY", replacing it with "FABULOUS". her mouth curled into a small smile and she glanced back at the man in the gray suit with that "we've found her" look.

And then i woke up - it was 8 am, i horribly overslept and was running late for work!