kuriouswitch


kurios Male Dominant, 55, San Francisco, California	kurious Male Submissive, 32	kuriouskiten Female Submissive, 36, KC area, Missouri

		Back		KPM		Directory		Interests

Friends:


	RealNeeed



	About kuriouswitch As of Oct 23rd, 2008 I am collared to OminousOne, He is my Master, my Teacher, my Love, my All. Master does not share well, I am not looking to replace Master in any capacity but I do enjoy friends of all kinds and I love to share ideas and thoughts. Update: As of May 14th, 2009 I now wear the collar of Master OminousOne in real life as well as online.

I'm still sort of around. Been staying with some friends and learning more about the community and getting out to munches and to a BDSM "club" called the bondage garage. Things are just slowly taking shape and going well and I've had the time lately to learn more about myself.?

A couple of friends and I were talking, they were talking about past vanilla relationships that they had had and my immediate reaction was Yuck!
They both asked me what my idea of vanilla is, I wasn't able to explain really, I don't do well speaking my ideas in person. But for me the word "vanilla" or just the idea of being in an "equal" relationship just gives me the willies.
They said that you can be in a vanilla relationship and still have kink in the bedroom, but that's not fullfilling to me at all. That to me would be forcing me to pretend to be someone I'm not. I'm not comfortable always sharing my ideas with someone. I am much more comfortable with the idea of clearly defined roles in a relationship. Vanilla is too, obscure for me I guess, I feel there should be clearly defined roles, boundries, and consequences. Yes, sometimes we have to put the major aspects of the roles aside, especially in mixed company, but never for long and we've found ways even then to show our relationship dynamics unobtrusively.

I guess that's why vanilla turns me off, not the lack of kink but the lack of clear definitions. I'm a very "structure" orientated person. I get confused and frustrated if someone does something or says something I don't expect, and I want to know why they did or said that. I'm constantly asking Master, why he decided that, or why did he do this when I expected different. Thankfully he's patient enough to answer. I need, more than I thought but I'm learning different, someone to guide and mold me, and someone I can look up to. He is very patient and a much better man that I gave him credit for and much better than I ever thought I would warrent.

ummm I know I haven't been on much, just been extremely busy and hectic. also been extremely tumultous inside and out.
I moved back to seattle with my parents (oh joy!)
and I asked my Master for release, twice. The first time He told me that he would not release me, that we would work it out. THat was a long grueling talk, I stayed up the night before sick over it and then when he got home from work we talked for several hours, him exhauted from working all night, me sobbing and getting sick but it was decided that we would both make some changes. I also asked some questions about some things that had been bothering me but which i was always afraid to address.
Then a few weeks ago I asked for release again. This time because, the answers I was given kind of ate at me, it sounds selfish and it, but there are some things I want so badly that he may never be able to give me and I had to make a choice, be okay with a "I can't make any promises but we'll see" and never know or should I ask for release and find someone that would be able to give me the things I'm looking for?
I thought I did really well, I didn't cry until about half way into a six hour long talk the second time. by the time we got done talking I was worn out, it was 430am and both were exhausted. I was released for all of an hour lol. In the end he asked me if i was willing to be his again and he would change the dynamic of our relationship. He forgave me for doing a few things before we talked, and he told me to forgive myself.

so we're okay, things have changed drastically in some ways and stayed the same in others, but everything is strengthened too. Actually on friday, oct 23rd is our one year anniversary. It seems like it's been longer than a year, like he and I have known one another forever. I was teasing him about being an old man and how he robbed the cradle, he said he did nothing of the sort, that I was a grave robber.

I went to the wet spot tonight for an open meet and greet. I almost didn't go, I almost walked out when I saw how many people were there. and I shook most of the time in the beginning but I'm sooo glad I went. and I got invited to go saturday to an event. I almost didn't want to come home lol. That's a huge step for me, I've never been to a party or anything like that. but I'm so glad I went. and Can't wait to go again

Joined IMVU today, still getting used to moving around and talking to people. but I've joined a very cool group already who have taken me under their wings!

Oh my god. Who knew that two weeks could be so emotionally draining. To the point where I'm crying at the drop of a hat, hands shaking, not eating, not sleeping and being a total brat actually looking for a fight and at the same time I want to curl up in a tight ball and just be held. People should only have to experience one emotion at a time, this whole, "lets toss these two together and see what happens" bit is not fun.

I also didn't know someone could cry so much, you'd think the body would just shrivel up and dry out ofter a while.

Master and I had a long talk on tuesday and got a lot of things cleared up and then another talk this morning. Oh I was so scared to ask him to talk this morning, I was up all night and sick and shaking and crying every time I laid down. We had a long talk, I thought for sure I was going to get sick but I didn't. He took it much better than I expected too.

He has promised to make some changes. And I have to make some changes too. So we'll have to see what happens.

wow, all it takes is a 6 hour conversation with a friend and all that confusion, the nightmares and no sleeping have all kind of ended. I feel better and not so..."noisy" and congested in my mind. I still have many things to think and decide on. I told a friend something last night and he told me that I should tell my mom what I'd just told him, but I just can't do that. I feel that I have, three very close friends I trust I can talk to about this stuff with, They spend enough time worrying and making sure that I'm okay. That I'm not spiraling out of control which I could easily do but I don't like being worried about. It makes me feel like a burden. And I see these three friends being in my life all my life. I don't need to make my mom worry and angry and upset about something she couldn't prevent.

Lots of confusion the last few weeks.
Not because of any one thing or event or anything just is. The hardest part is trying to explain it to Master in a way that won't get me in trouble for being rude (because of frustration and anger at myself for being frustrated and not doing well) and trying to find the right words to tell him what i'm feeling and thinking. The right words always seem to elude me and the ones i do use never seem to be the right ones. its hard to find the right words when you don't know what you're feeling and when the feelings you do know seem to contradict one another.

tomorrow (9/2) is my birthday and I'm turning 26. To many that's not very old and it's not really but this is the first birthday I can remember looking forward to. So it makes it a big one. I have my Master and my two best friends to celebrate it with and all three have offered to give me my birthday spankings. My poor rear end! I tried to tell them that each only gets eight whacks, since two plus six equal eight. but for some reason that didn't seem to fly at all!

No one seems to agree with my logic. well I guess I'm just going to have to give up sitting for a few days.

So my mom summed up my life perfectly lol. "so small children, animals and old men. What can I say, you picked a very strange life to live."

thanks mom! well it's kind of true. I get along very well with small kids, its like any time i end up babysitting for a family i turn more into a nanny instead of a babysitter and I like it and the kids end up loving me. Tonight I went to a friend's house to take family portraits for them and I ended up staying over five hours. And only one hour was spent taking photos. but her daughter who's two was sick and picked me to cuddle with and she's not a cuddly child, I should know, I'm her regular babysitter too.

As for animals, no matter where I go, they love me. Just put me in a quiet room with a shy animal and within an hour usually they're in my lap purring or licking my face if it's a dog.

As for old men......well just look at my Master lol, well he's not old but he's certainly one of the youngest I found an interest in before he collared me. And it was never intentional, those are just the ones that I find I have the most in common with.

So in a way, small children, animals and old men sum me up pretty well lol

OMG! some friends from work took me out to dinner tonight, they asked me at the last minute, they took me to a restaruant here in Wentachee called Ianna's. It's like an upscale mediteranian place. I've never been to a place that fancy before ever in my life. Cloth tablecloth and napkins, candles, wine, the whole bit. The food was good too, but I was so nervous, I had no idea what to do and most of the customers in there were wearing fancy clothes and suits and I was in jeans because I thought we were going to our old standby, Shari's. It was a four course meal (my first ever again) and the food was very good, the lady who owns/runs it is okay, but the man who was our waiter was excellent as well. He made sure we had our drinks full and we had new silverware when we needed it and just kept on the ball. He remembered all the drinks everyone at all the tables had and who ordered what. In the restaraunt it was just him and her and whomever was cooking. She seemed busy doing other things and distracted but he did really well serving six tables with most of them having four or more people.

I'd reccommend it for a special night out (this was my going away/birthday dinner) but not all the time, especially at those prices.

Well I'm back! My laptop died on me after three years of faithful service so had to go and buy a new one. A desktop this time. Also I've been healing, tore some ligaments in my foot so I've been in a walking cast (try working in retail on your feet for eight hours a day with torn ligaments NOT fun) also I'm in the process of moving back to the shoreline area and trying to transfer to another store there. So a LOT going on right now.

you ever just want to yell and scream and throw stuff? i hate that feeling but it's been there inside for about a week now. hopefully it goes away soon or my butt is toast.

I had a huge talk with Master today. It was one of those eye-opening talks that was much needed and helped heal some parts inside of me, or at least make them less painful and less confusing.

I cried a lot, I cried the hardest I've ever cried. I thought my chest would break open and that it would never stop. I finally passed out from crying so hard and when I woke up I found that I slept so hard that I hadnt' moved an inch and my ribs and back hurt from crying so hard.

Master was very patient and just let me cry and when I was able to breathe for a moment he would take that time to explain things and made sure I understood them and let me ask questions and let me make my own connections.

Now after a week of multiple crying jags every day and even crying at work a few times last night things are calm inside again. I'd almost forgotten how it felt to be quiet inside and not scrambling to keep my mind busy so it wouldn't start thinking and start crying again. I'm sure that I will hve to be reminded of a few things a few more times but every time he reminds me and tells me it sinks in a bit more and it gets less scary.

lmao so how fast do you run when you're Master has told you the next time you get hurt he's going to spank you? Answer: Faster than fast.

It's been less than a week since I went inter-tubing on teh river and I'm a mass of yellow and blue bruises from that, all up my legs and knees, all over my arms, some on my ribs.

Apparently that wasn't enough. I had to go and trip over a wire yesterday morning and break my pinky toe. so now my foot is all swollen and purple and stubborn me... I worked on it for almost eight hours at work. I work a retail job I'm on my feet all day long. my foot was so swollen when I got home you can see the marks where my sock was, I could barely get my shoe off. This is the same foot that ten years ago I tore the ligaments in it falling down a flight of stairs so this poor foot's already been through the wringer.

So, not only am I a masochist, I'm a clumsy one. I don't need a sadistic Master. I torture myself enough already. I haven't been able to tell Master yet. It happened after he was asleep from getting home from work and then I was at work so couldnt' tell him and ohh he's not going to be pleased at all. anyone got an extra room I can hide in? I'm almost thankful that we're in a LD relationship. he can't strangle me through the phone (it's a cell phone thank goodness, no cord)

The few days, since saturday have been very confusing and frustrating for me. I keep having this question run through my head, but if I ask anyone I'm going to be told that it's not possible. But surely it is, isn't it? I'll ask it anyway, is it possible to be a kajira and a babygirl in one? i don't mean like serving and naduing while in "big headspace" but more like taking one day out of the week where you both are home all day and just the Master becoming Daddy and taking care of his child? probably sounds silly. The rest of the week you are kajira and serve very well, but you get one day a week out of that headspace where you get to be silly and goofy andmake mistakes and not worry about anything. And your Master gets to relax too, he gets to be a different person for a while also.

On top of these thoughts I have a week and a half to pack everything and move to seattle. my parents have decided that's when i'm moving back home. I still have to let the landlady know as well.

oh today was an excellent day. My sister came and picked me up and we met her family down at the river (The Columbia River) and took their boat out. They have an inter-tube and Lane had Michelle and I go out on it first together, it was my first time ever on one and not too long into it I ended up flying off when we hit a wave. I'm going to have a few good bruises. My knee already has a goose egg on it and my other leg has about three bruises forming and I don't know how much water I accidently swallowed. I'm kind of glad now I had a life jacket on, only cause I kind of panicked and when I fell off I was right int he middle of all these waves so it was hard to keep my head up. But I had a blast and I got a ton of sun and I wore the bathing suit I got two years ago and have never worn and I drank half the river when I fell in but I got back up on the tube and didn't fall off again though I did get scared. It was strange, I can be naked in front of Master but I felt more exposed wearing the bathing suit on the beach and in the boat.

So I'm thinking about moving to Sioux Falls South Dakota next spring, May or April if things go right. I've been trying to find a decent one or two bedroom apartment in a good area no more than 600 a month with a washer and dryer in the unit.

So far all the ones I've found with a washer and dryer have all been 700 or more a month.

well, it's been a few weeks since I've written in my journal. One excellent update is Master has found a job after about a year of searching. I'm very very proud of him.

I'm not sure why, if it's the time of year or if it's just the building of trust over the last several months (Today is Master's and my nine month anniversary since he collared me) but the last few weeks it seems like at least once a week there's been a panic of some sort on my end. Usually during "intimate times", never a full blown panic attack but enough of one that usually I end up angry with myself afterwards for ruining things. And the problem is there are times when I can't communicate or I don't know what set it off. sometimes it's a random thing, something that we've done before, even in person with no issue and suddenly it is that night. I find it frustrating when I start sobbing and shaking in the middle and a small voice pipes up and begs him to stop and then he has to spend the rest of our time calming me down and trying to find out what's wrong. If I find it frustrating, there are times when I"m sure Master does as well, no one likes stopping in the middle of sex but he never acts out his frustration and he never yells at me so that helps sometimes. of course usually the panics make me extremely tired, slept till 1pm yesterday afternoon, I never sleep that late unless i'm sick or after a panic but Master's nice enough to let me sleep in those days as long as I get my chores done when I wake up or on my days off.

well this weekend will be a new experience for me. For the first time in 8 months I will be out of contact with Master for about 4.5/5 days. No email, yahoo, or phone. He is going on vacation to see family and will be unable to get in touch with me. If he's not too tired I'll get to see him sunday night when he gets home, if he's too tired I'll see him monday morning hopefully before I go to work, if he's too busy doing chores monday morning I won't see him till monday night after work.

So my focus this weekend is to make Master as proud of me as possible, to follow his rules, to lead myself as he would lead me and to make sure that when he returns there is nothing to displease him. Part of me is afraid, especially since a few days ago he tore down a wall and I'm still dealing with the repercussions of that, it was a big one and some things keep popping up that deal with it. I'm more afraid of a few things happening as well, such as someone I don't want to see showing up where I work.

In some ways it's almost like I view my Master as a good luck charm lol, um like as long as he's "here" nothing bad will happen, and this is a test, will the things I fear will happen do so now that he'll be out of reach? we shall see.

So a new rule, no more pizza before taking a nap. It's bad enough I have odd dreams but dreaming about a female vulcan in high heels that make her 8' tall and being on the starship enterprise makes for a highly strange dream especially when I haven't seen the new star trek movie, and I haven't watched Star Trek in over a year.

ugh! Master is a true sadist, he's making me go to a barbque with some friends to talk with their bishop about their church.. i don't like groups of people. he said i'm allowed to sit and just watch for 30 minutes but then i have to go up to someone i don't know and talk a bit to them. help! it'll be okay but it's scary to me too.

What do you do when a hidden, previously unknown or unsuspected (to me) trigger is hit? Well, I found out two nights ago, you panic and cry and then when that's all over you talk it out with your Master and then work through why it is a trigger. I keep saying it, but Master is a patient man and just talked to me calmly until I could respond to him and he didn't panic himself or get upset when it came out of the blue. And thankfully I stayed mostly me, when I wasn't Master says i stayed near the front which is a huge step forward, not only did I not pull away from him like I would have before but I didn't hide either, I stayed where I could work through it. Now it's just a matter of learning the details, not just the trigger but what caused it to be there.

I found a site last night, it's called "Broken Toys" and it's a site for Masters/Owners with subs/slaves that have mental/emotional problems such as Bi Polar or Manic Depression, as well as PTSD or MPD/DID.

Master and I read the site together and each pointed out sections or passages in the articles that were examples of what we've been going through, there are two articles that are so me it's kind of scary and funny too and it's nice to know that I'm not the only slave that puts their Master through this stuff and that Master has already been doing a lot of that stuff they recommend. It also shined a light on some aspects neither one of us had thought about or that seem obvious now after reading it.

Master did tease me about one of the passages, it was almost word for word similar to something I had written in my journal to him. Just ignoring the problem, yelling at Master that if he left well enough alone and didn't ask why or didn't dig we'd be okay doesn't work. but one can hope lol. Its kind of good that I feel safe enough to know that if I yell at Master he's going to wait until I'm finished and then deal with it and he's not going to leave. But I always feel badly about thinking bad thoughts about Master or getting angry at him for caring and wanting to help. Thankfully there's also security in knowing that he's willing to muck through all the hard stuff and isn't going to leave me floundering alone.

you can change someone's foundation for the better with the right tools.

I woke up with this thought running in my head. It kind of makes sense to me with whats been going on lately here at home. It just means that with the right tools, a lot of hard work, sweat, tears and some groaning and creaking (complaining, running away, pushin away of the one you're helping) you finally get rid of the bad rotten crumbling foundation and lay down a brand new stronger one with better supports.

Master's made a new decision. It's kind of like giving a kid a higher allowence but also giving them harder/ more "grown up" chores or more chores in exchange.

He's decided that I'm going to be allowed free touch, meaning I can touch him anytime I want, climb in his lap, lay my head on his chest, hold his hand ect without permission. The only exceptions are no sexual touching without permission, and if we're doing high protocol or I'm on punishment then no free touch.

In exchange for less structure in a way I'll be doing more serving. It probably doesn't make sense to those outside of the relationship which doesn't matter but usually I just do what I know pleases Master, such as making sure the house is clean or leaving him his dinner in foil on his table if he's out and i have to leave for work ect. But now he's going to start giving me things to do such as last night he came home and instead of taking his shoes off himself he summoned me to him and had me take them off for him, I took a bit of initive and gave him a foot rub too. I enjoy it when Master "gives" me tasks such as that to do. it fullfills a part of me to know that the slave "part" of me is being allowed to come out fully.
But it's going to be very very strange and a bit scary to know that I can curl up in Master's lap if I need a cuddle, or hold his hand when I want to when we're out and about. The hand holding thing is really big, when I visited the new change hadn't happened so I had it in my mind that I wasn't allowed free touch so while I wanted to reach out and hold Master's hand I didn't because I thought it wouldn't be allowed. Thankfully Master likes holding hands so we did it a lot and I found out when I got home that he would have allowed me to take his hand. Now I can and know I won't be in trouble. I promised Master I wouldn't take advantage of it and that I'll make sure to not lose the privledge as for me touch is very important albeit a bit frightening at times.

Hopefully I can live up to my promise and not displease Master, I won't say forever but at least for a good long while.

So the last two/three days have been extremely difficult between Master and myself. No, we're not breaking up or anything like that but I did learn a lot.

A few nights ago, before going to bed I asked Master if we could quit doing a type of scene we both enjoy but I wanted to quit doing it for as long as I could. Master asked me why I wanted to quit and I kind of glossed over and rushed past an explaination and he said we could quit for a while.

The next day when we had more time I told him what I was really thinking and feeling. I told him the real reason I wanted to quit the type of scene and that I never wanted to do it again. I also told him something else as well, something that I had been hiding from him for several months. Needless to say Master wasn't pleased at all with me. I got corner time, a spanking, a writing assignment and my orgasm privledges removed for a week. I also had to throw away the objects I'd been hiding from Master.

The worse part is always Master's lectures. He doesn't just talk at you, but makes you respond and contribute and makes sure you really learn and understand what he's telling you. He makes sure you know why you are in trouble, why you're being punished and he'll ask you if you will do it again. He also talked to me about how he refuses to allow me to compare him to others from the past, that I'm not allowed to push him away when things get too close, too uncomfortable for me.

He's decided that we will continue to do the scene, that it's helpful to me even if I don't like it. That we will stop some of the other types of play for a while since it seems it's not helping my self esteem and that I'm not allowed to ask for anything, that he will be making all of the decisions (even on things that I had a bit of allowed autonomy on) until I can show that I'm thinking straight again and that I have my best interest in mind.

Master's been making me do some other things as well I don't find comfortable. I enjoy it but again it's uncomfortable at times. There are times I'm torn between unease, fear, comfort and pleasure and guilt. Master's been going out of his way to make sure that I'm not too uncomfortable but he also wants to make sure I learn that it's okay and that it's not bad to want or desire those things or even need those things.

Again Master has been very patient and understanding but also firm and making sure this won't happen again. Master's also very fair and balanced. After I wrote and gave him my writing assignment last night and after he read it and made sure his "big" head didn't swell too much he decided to restore my orgasm privledges which surprised me a lot, that was something I wasn't expecting at all.

After telling Master what I had been hiding from him, in a burst of "complete honesty" I also told Master something else that is more embarassing then any humiliation play we've ever done, more embarassing than some of the other things Master has seen me do. But he took it in stride and it also made some things click in his head and realize some of why I do some of the things I do the way I do. He didn't get mad that I hadn't told him, he didn't condem or anythign he just said, "well that clears some things up" and we moved on to another topic. Which kind of surprised me, I was expecting him to ask me why I didn't tell him earlier, why did I hide it but he just moved on. He did tell me though that some changes will be made, they're mostly small things but it's going to be hard to remember them mostly cause it's just somethign I do without thought unless Master points it out to me.

But in the last few days I've learned a lot about myself and about Master. I've learned that in order to have a fully healthy, respectful, honest, fully loving relationship I have to trust him more, trust that he's not going to use what I tell him against me, that he's not going to pounce on a moment of weakness and destroy me, that I can give him my all and recieve the same from him. Master's like my own little secret keeper, I can tell him everything and know that he'll keep it safe. That I have to be completly honest with what I'm thinking and feeling, that "I'm okay" is not an answer, that trying to no be bothersome or a burden by not saying what's really going on just causes more problems in the end. I've learned that being pleasing is more than just doing what I'm told when I'm told to, It's more than just being a robot lacking feeling or wants or needs. Being pleasing means knowing when I have to ask permission to do somethign and knowing when it's okay to just do it because it'll please Master. He doesn't want to micromanage and I don't want to be micromanaged.

I've learned that there's really only one thing that will ever cause Master to uncollar me, to send me away and that one thing is something I will never do so it's not an issue. It's okay to make mistakes, to mess up as long as I learn, take punishment if it's needed and try hard to make sure it doesn't happen again. And I've learned that Master must love me a lot if he's willing to help me through all this "stuff".

maybe a new approach is needed. watering my flower doesn't seem to be what's needed especially when it seems to hit me at odd unsuspecting moments. it's not fair that i can't water my flower when i'm supposed to with the one i love but it comes upon me suddenly in the middle of the simplest task and he's not here for me to go to for comfort. most of these times i feel embarassed and don't want to tell him but i have to as well otherwise it's being dishonest. he says there's nothing to be embarassed about but it's like all of the sudden someone jumping out at you sudden from around the corner and you jumping from fright. the embarassment you feel as they laugh is the same i feel when i have to tell Master that i did by myself that which i find difficult lately with him. I've found myself wanting more of his touch but less sexual contact, like something bad will happen if we do, but something worse will if we don't touch. a part of me feels like it would be better if i could see him again, just visit and feel and smell him as we lay together. Weekends are always hard, and summer harder. It'll be over soon and then things will be better. Hopefully I can save enough money to see Master in sept, I'm thinking I'm going to need the visit.

I have talent! so not only is my thumb sore from me taking off acrylic nails (never ever ever again!) and it took the real nail back to the quick. but I also proceeded to fall up the stairs, tweek my ankle and take skin off my elbow. yay me!

the only good thing is it's been about three/four weeks since i've been hurt so that's a plus of a kind.

I truely believe they need to make a medal for Masters who show undying patience. Alright so all this last week, ever since the nightmare I've been super clingy and highly emotional, I keep crying at the drop of a hat which I hate but can't seem to stop either. As well as dealing with those issues I've decided that my allergies might as well flare up and make me miserable. Yesterday was a horrible day, I woke up with my head in such pain that I didn't want to move but I couldn't breathe so I had to go take a shower to open my sinuses up. It felt like my whole face was bruised my sinuses hurt so bad. I came back down and Master wasn't awake yet and I wanted to go back to sleep but couldn't and then I thought about how I had to go to work feeling that way and started crying. *rolls my eyes* so Master finally comes on and we talk for a bit and normally I hate naps and will argue with Master if he says I need one (one of the few things I fight)but by 11am I was so tired I just about begged to be allowed to lay back down.
The man has patience, he dealt all week with me being sick and emotional, I think most of the time I was pretty much like a clingy two year old who's part spider monkey and won't let go and has started saying, "no"
lol we don't need um's, I keep him busy enough without having "sibling rivalry"
so, thank you Master and I'll rub away that headache on monday for you.

well all I can say is Master is a patient patient man lol. I woke up from a nap yesterday from a nightmare that must have touched a nerve plus when I woke up my lamp had burned out so the house was dark (that did not help as I have a fear of the dark). I was okay until I was telling it to Master then all of the sudden I started crying (which I don't do normally) so he had to deal with me being on edge, emotionally a wreck from a nightmare and his mom was up and down all night with leg cramps. he finally tucked me in about four am his time and i fell right asleep and he was back up a few hours later trying to deal with unemployment.

I'm surprised sometimes that he takes the time and shows the patience for all of that stuf all at once. anyone else would be at their wits end and he just takes it all in stride, he'd stay with me a few minutes and talk with me then go and help his mom with her legs and then come back to me. with all the back and forth he listened and reassured me and helped me work through some stuff and i never felt like he wasn't listening, he was just multi-tasking. when with me i was his focus and when with his mom, she was his focus. we didn't get to spend any time this morning because he was busy with the unemployment on the phone but that's okay. i figure he'll nap while i'm at work and then we'll spend tonight together. hopefully i'm not as "fragile" tonight though i have had to be careful what i watch today. I'm very lucky to have a man like Master who keeps his cool and takes care of what is his and his family so well.

I was talking to a friend of mine about how I feel now that Master has placed his leather collar around my neck. I commented that it seems as though; well even after that first initial day of us meeting face to face; we've, both Master and I, have gotten comfortable, more so within ourselves and our relationship. Going back through our IM conversations from the past year we've gone from a formal kind of interaction where we both watched our every move and every move of the other, both seeing how the other was going to react. Not testing really but feeling one another out. With this visit we were able to really see one another's faces, see the expressions, hear the tone of voice ect as well as being able to actually for the first time, touch each other. Knowing that chemistry was still there, that it was that palpable helped eleviate any niggling doubts we had about our compatability. It also helped Master and I become more comfortable with the relationship, I can see how though the M/s dynamic is still fully there, we're more comfortable, Master teases me more, I'm more comfortable with teasing him back. We've also kind of settled into a kind of routine between High protocol and low Protocol that seems to work for us. We also, Master included, seem to need more time together, even if it's just sitting quietly on the phone or online together.

It was interesting though, to actually have Master there, to serve him and to have him right there to enforce his rules. And it was a LOT different when Master himself spanked me for an infraction versus me spanking myself in Master's stead. Master showed me the difference between punishment spankings and pleasure spankings. He said he used the same force on them, and I believe him but they felt completly different. By the tenth punishment smack I thought I couldn't take anymore but with a pleasure spanking, the same force was pleasureable and I felt myself moving back for more. It's the mindset that's different, when I'm being punished, the guilt along with remorse usually enhances the spanking.

well, talk about a busy week. I wasn't able to update my journal because the wireless on my laptop decided it doesn't want to work anymore. I had a great time visiting with Master and I really didn't want to come home or say goodbye to him. As of May 14 2009 I now wear Master's collar in real life. It was a simple ceremony but very nice, I nadu'd in front of Master and he placed the collar around my neck, asked me some questions and then buckled it in place.

I made it to Sioux Falls! I left at two am and got to the airport and spent all morning flying. the flights were great, we got to denver early enough that we had to wait for another plane to back out of our spot so we could unload. I love the denver airport by the way, the set up is excellent and easy to manuver, the seatac airport sucks big time. the sioux falls airport is small but easy to navigate.

The hotel is okay, at least i was able to get a queen size bed. the only bad part is the fact that it's in the middle of no where so i can't walk anywhere and there's no buses. so i'm going to have to get a taxi tomorrow to go get toiletries.

okay, you know you're tired when you text your Master telling him you're going to lay down for a nap and then have to stop yourself from throwing a temper tantrum cause you can't lay down just yet and all you want to do is sleep. (those who know me know i hate to sleep so I must have been really really tired)

yay! I drive out to seattle in just a few hours and get to see my family for a bit. and then i fly out of seatac to South Dakota. i'm thrilled!

excellent! so i have a ride friday morning to seattle. i'm hoping to talk my mom into taking me to our favorite indian restaraunt. In my area you can get all the chinese, mexican and mongolian and even russian food you want but no african or indian.
It's just one less thing i have to worry about. thankfully things seem to be falling into place just right when it comes to this trip. I take that as an excellent sign and i'm excited to be going. I fly out in 4 days and see Master in 6.

ummm as a general reminder to myself... we females are crazy!!

i swear it was a masochist who came up with the idea of clipping your own nails to the quick, jabbing, scrapping, buffing the cuticles and surrounding flesh and then gluing plasic nails on, sealing it with more plastic... buffing it out to get the smoothness, thenn more cuticle jamming ect and then lathering on nail polish. i just got acrylic nails for the first time, french tips. not going to do that again, three hours of torture, i can't type, can't use my phone, and i keep jamming myself. I must love Master way too much. and i thought the perm was bad. i'm sorry but being feminine is way too painful. i'd rather be a tomboy and i have no idea how i'm going to run film orders or use the cash register tomorrow.

she cut my hair too.. from the middle of my butt... it's now the at the middle of my back. that's more than four inches. it's nice cause all the dead stuff is gone just feels funny like there's nothing there/

Master was teasing me last night before bed about how six and even three months ago I mentioned how slow May was in coming, that I wanted the time to move faster. Now my trip is just days away, funnily enough I'm not nervous much anymore, there's the usual butterflies about travling and meeting Master for teh first time in person ect. but i'm not panicking like i was two months ago when I saw that I only had six weeks left. But I've got a schedule worked out now! Friday I go to seattle and stay with my parents for a few hours, get up at 3am, sort of dress, get into the taxi, get to the airport, get my ticket, get through security, get my bags checked and hope i have enough time to kind of wake up enough. Then during my layoveer to denver find out how the bag thing works.. do i take my bags iwth me to the new terminal and recheck them or is that already done? and then wait to hop onto the next plane and get to sioux falls where i'll catch another taxi to the hotel, unpack and get settled and let Master know i arrived safely, find a close restataraunt to walk to and then SLEEP!
Sunday I'll run to the local walgreens and pick up some snacks ect and check them out, then hit the local grocery and pick up some fruit ect (the room has a fridge) and then spend the rest of the day preparing myself, getting my outfit for monday ready, deciding what i'm going to do with my hair and shower and shave and then spend the rest of my "free" time running around panicking lol.
Monday I'll take a quick shower, a light breakfast (no getting sick on Master the first meeting lol) and then dress and pace and hope I don't slam the hotel door in his face and hide in the bathroom lol.

well I fly out to see Master next saturday! I'm so excited. I have all my clothes packed, all that's left now is to find a ride to seattle on friday or buy a grayhound ticket and to get my electronics (laptop, phone, camera) and their cords packed. as well as my carry on bag. oh i hope this work week goes quickly! and monday a friend of mine is going to do my nails, she has some pink french tips for me and she's going to trim all the dead ends off my hair.

My hand is slowly healing, cut some of the dead skin away today. it's sore, but it's getting there. I also spent today getting my clothes packed for next saturday. I have to pack my toys in the other suitcase, get my camera ready to take with me and pack my carry on. tomorrow i'm going to pay rent and one bill that came in and then going to see how much money i have left. i just need enough to get the hotel room and a bus ticket to seattle.

eight more days, the date is getting closer. i'm excited, Master says he feels sorry for the people at work. but i told him, it's better going, "eight more days!" than waxing on and on about how wonderful he is lol, they'd shoot me on sight.

i'm excited cause i get to see Master, spend time with him in person but also because i'll be getting collared in RL in addition to being collared online. it's exciting and a bit scary and a huge stepping stone. It's a huge honor too, to know that I'll be wearing his physical collar.

I've never flown that far away from home either. The farthest I've ever been is San Diego back when I was 16 and we were there for two days. It's also the longest trip I've been on without family, I've never gone on a trip out of state without my parents or my brother with me, so that's going to be different. I'm not nervous about meeting Master, right now when i think about the trip my concern is getting through airport security and making sure i get to my flight during my layovers.

Master wasn't angry about me cutting my hand, he said i'm clumsy but as long as he knows i'm trying to be careful that's all that matters. it's when i start gettting hurt on purpose that the trouble starts.

9 more days! Monday a friend of mine is going to do my nails, she has some pink french tips she's going to let me use, i've never done anything like that before. I'm too much of a tomboy, usually the most female thing about me besides my bits is my long hair. she's also going to trim my hair and get rid of hte dead ends if Master agrees to it. I'd like to look my best for him. I have to finish packing this weekend. all the clothes and toys i'm supposed to take with me. the laptop, camera ect and the wires and my phone charger will be last minute packings just as long as i don't forget them.

my anklet is getting too big again, about a month ago i had them shorten it an inch and already it's needing to be shortened again. Mom says i may not be dropping pounds but i'm losing inches which is good. kind of, not sure i can afford to keep having my anklet redone and i certainly can't afford a new wardrobe.

well this isn't good. i cut my hand at work today, just a week ago i cut my finger. of course Master made me promise to be more careful since i seem to get hurt a lot, more than normal people he says. i told him i'd be more careful and i have been but tonight i was tired after having an emotional day and it was a long shift. i ended up having to stay an extra hour to cover someone else's shift. plus i have a bruise on my leg that i didn't know about from yesterday when two cases of water fell on me (it wasn't my fault, it was the guy's stacking job) tonight cutting my hand was my fault, my feet didn't go where i told them to and i ended up tripping. Master isn't going to be pleased at all :(

Master was very patient with me this morning. He was expecting his kajira when i woke up and instead he got me shaking and feeling like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. I curled up in his lap without permission (which is something i rarely do unless it's needed) and he asked me if i had permission to be in his lap and i said no but that i had a nightmare and i started to cry. I felt bad cause that's the last thing anyone wants to deal with first thing in the morning. but he let me stay in his lap and calmed me down. the most frustrating part is i never remember the nightmares. i just know i wake up feeling my heart pounding and i shake really bad, this was the first time i've ever cried from one before though.
_______________________________________
Master says i'm to sleep in the dark tonight, if his guests go home today that is. i kind of hope they do cause then i'll get more time with Master and hopefully he won't be so tired. 11 more days!

well no update on sleeping in the dark since last thursday. Mostly because i didn't. My mom was visiting for the weekend so i couldn't have my nightlights out. I tell her i leave the lights on so I can leave my webcam on. Plus Master ended up with some unexpected house guests when the water pipes of a family friend broke and so they're staying wtih him until they can get the pipes fixed.

it's 12 days until I go to see Master for a week and i'm very excited. nervous too but about all the little stuff. I've had friends and family make sure that i'm being safe, that i have safe calls in place ect. all the usual stuff. which is nice but it's kind of annoying at this point too only because they're all asking me the same questions and giving me the same looks when i reassure them. I almost want to say, "i'm not stupid or naive. I've done all I know how to do to be safe. Now it's up to "fate" and I've done all I can to prevent anything bad from happening." it's not that i don't trust Master but it's better to be safe than sorry. I'd much rather take all of these precautions and end up not needing them than to not do anything because i trust him and have something happen. I got my itenerary from the airlines. i fly out of the airport at 530am on the 8th, have a layover in denver for about an hour and then fly out to Master. It's going to be interesting, this is the farthest i've been away from home ever, with or without my family. I've never done a layover before so right now my biggest concern is getting through security at the first airport and then getting to my next terminal with all my stuff on time during the layover. I've decided that i'll panic about meeting Master once i'm safely at the hotel, then I can pace and decide i want to go home lol. the poor man has more patience than i deserve sometimes which i'm thankful for.

Master let me sleep with the lights on last night, his phone was about to die and i'm not brave enough yet to sleep in the dark without being able to hear him on the phone. but i was tired enough it probably wouldn't have mattered.

Today is also Master and my six month anniversary. it's also his mom's birthday which i think is kind of cool. I was talking to Master last night and realized how things keep falling neatly into place with him. I made the plans, got the tickets to go see Master back in november. I wasn't on birth control then so I just picked dates that looked good to me (the cheapest tickets as soon as possible in good weather) and bought the plane tickets. well in Feb i was put on birthcontrol and just realized last night that i couldn't have planned it any better myself. The timing is great, i'll actually be on week two of my birthcontrol while i'm down there, if i had to i was going to take an extra week of pills and then go two weeks without any but i won't need to. I didn't plan it, it just happened that way and i'm glad it did.

Master keeps telling me not to worry about May (what else am i going to do? i'm a virgo. we worry, we plan things to death, worry that our plans won't work, worry that the plans will work and then worry about worrying.) and that we can't plan everything, we need to leave space for surprises. i hate surprises lol. but actually i'm just worried about the initial meeting, the moment he knocks on the hotel door and i answer. I see myself closing the door in his face and running to hide in the bathroom panicking lmao or standing just inside the door not opening it and going, 'hello Master, nice to see you" and him trying to not laugh at me as he goes, "hello little one, open the door" and i peek out the window and go, "now now?" "yes little one, now" well it's one thing to talk on yahoo and on the phone but something completly different when meeting in person. i have no doubt we'll get along just fine and i'll be okay once he gets me laughing and not so scared. i'll probably end up shaking the first day and then after that i'll probably be all over him lol. I'm just glad Master has patience, especially when i ask the same question but different wording. i have a hamster wheel in here... things get recycled on a regular basis lol.

slept in the dark again last night. i had just gotten comfy in bed (with the lights on lol) when Master told me to turn them off. i told him he wasn't supposed to remember to tell me to turn them off! he's supposed to be too tired and and and not paying attention to the lighting in the room lol. just go to sleep and in the morning it'll be light enough you won't even notice they were on all night. i thought it was a good thing having a Master who doesn't forget things.... maybe not in some instances. but i did fall asleep on the phone with him, that's twice in two nights, kind of a world record for me. usually i stay awake until his phone dies and hangs up on me, i like hearing him snore and growl in his sleep, really does sound like a bear. but i've been so tired the last two days, didn't get a nap in monday so i'd be tired and yesterday took my nap early. we tried to water my flower but i wasn't able to, which Master says is a good thing but i don't know. i was too tired though to try any harder.

i cut myself at work last night too, so that didn't help. Master says i need to pay better attention to what i'm doing, that i get hurt too much. once a week isn't too much and it's hard paying attention when my feet go one way, my hands another and i'm going this way. or when things jump out and get in my way, i swear they weren't there a minute ago! usually it's just scrapes and bruises, but i cut my finger pretty good this time on a shelf, thankfully it cut across instead of down into the finger, otherwise i'm thinking i'd need stitches, it bled enough without going any deeper. Master calls me his little mess lmao, got a bloody nose this morning too when i sneezed too hard. I think i may need a non-latex plastic bubble lmao. it's a good thing Master loves me, someone has to protect me from myself.

17 more days until my trip! i keep wondering how Master and i are going to greet one another that first day. do we just say "hi" or shake hands or what? I've never been on a date, or out with someone of the opposite sex that wasn't a family member so i have no idea of the protocols of that initial hello.

well i did it.... kind of lol. Master had me sleep in the dark last night.. well mostly dark. I sleep with my ceiling light on as well as a lamp without a shade on it and have for the past year and a half. I don't like the dark, but Master's been helping me with that and had me turn off my lights but leave the hallway light on with my door open and two nightlights as well as the laptop and my mac on.... the room wasn't super dark but not as light as i'm used to either. it was still kind of scary, not as bad as i expected (but keeping my eyes closed and not moving an inch may have helped there lol) hopefully i'll get better at it over time, it helped to have Master on the phone helping me when i'd start to panic. Master's proud of me and i am too and hopefully it'll get easier over time.

I'm so nervous, I fly out to South Dakota for a week on May 9th to go visit Master. It'll be our first meeting. I kind of wish i had planned it better and waited to go closer to the 23rd for our anniversary but that's okay, I'm just glad to be going. We've been together for about six months and it's only gotten better, sometimes it's like he can read my mind which is always a bit scary.

I'm nervous and excited. I want to finally be able to touch him, see him standing next to me, feel his hand on the small of my back as we walk down the street. It's thrilling too though, all the simple things that I'm looking foward to. All the "taboo" things as well, I've never been on a date, this will be the first time I've ever gone anywhere with a man who wasn't family or didn't have family around (yes I was more sheltered than I thought) so things like imagining him coming out of the bathroom naked after a shower or having him see me without clothes are all kind of "naughty" in a way and exciting for that very reason. I think I enjoy daydreaming more about the simple things rather than any scening we might do that week.

The first night I've been told to wear a dress, I told him that he'll have to take a photo of me in the dress since I never wear one. Thank the Gods he doesn't like high heels and he knows me well enough that even if I were told to wear them I'd kill myself just trying to stand up lol.

i swear if you're in the medicle field you must be a sadist. i go in for my yearly "female" exam, get poked and prodded in places no one's been, a light shoved up there ect. THEN i get a tetnus shot, and sent down to have blood drawn (after fasting all night). i feel like a human pincushion lol. thankfully the tetnus is good for five years, and the rest is good for one year and so those are a few less things to worry about.

can we say nervous?! my mom is visiting this weekend and is going to talk to Master for the first time on my messenger. oh no... she's an odd lady and loves to test. She made my cousin's husband when he moved over from wales turn in a circle posing for her, then he had to dance until she "approved" and said he could join the family. Not only is Master my Master but really the first man i've ever told her about and gushed over. I've never been on a date with a male, not even in middle and high school so i have no idea what to expect when they start talking to one another. Another scary thought is they both have the same sense of humor so i know they're going to get along very well. I can just see the jokes and insults flying now lmao

Well earlier this evening my profile was deleted. I don't know why, it was done while i was still logged in, when i came to add to my journal it asked me to sign in and when i did i was told it was an invalid ID. It's frustrating as i've lost all the emails i had with friends as well as my journal entries. I do wish I'd been told why it was deleted, but it's no matter.

kurtz4pain Male Dominant, 35, london	Kurnn Male Dominant, 31	Kurnock Male Dominant, 36, Lyons, Georgia	Kuraria Male Dominant, 29, Indianapolis, Indiana
kurva023 Female Submissive, 31, Szabadi	kurruptsmistre Female Switch, 34, baltimore, Maryland	KURUMASTER Male Dominant, 29, thessaloniki	Kurras Male Dominant, 44, Chattanooga, Tennessee
kuroryoushi Female Submissive, 24, Essex	Kurvinal Switch Couple, 50, Arlington, Virginia	kurupt Male Switch, 29, Cape Town	kurtustazus Male Dominant, 37, norwich

kuriouswitch

About kuriouswitch