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Well, on to round two!
Turns out I am a bit indecisive, as most of my kind are. This profile is a remake per-say; my original profile being one for a slave, and where as I do still view Arafiss82 as my owner I have found it increasingly difficult to call him "Master" during these insanely troubling and dizzying times.
My new profile is labeled as submissive, I feel that where as I do enjoy playing as a slave I do not truly wish to live as such. However I do love to be "put in my place" when I loose sight of it; I feel that I do not hold the willpower or enough of a consistent comfort level holding that position. Guess I'm more of a submissive who plays on the borders of slavery but would rather enjoy servitude.
~ ~ ~ It has been quite a while sense I was last able to just sit and be online.... especially here! Not exactly the sight to tend to while in public places. Life is an abstract rollercoaster, I believe Miro or Salvador Dali are excellent candidates for accepting resposibility.
I am not yet able to emerge victorious and successful, however I am able to see lights- there is hope, they are far off and I am loosing breath while running toward them.
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A poem my sister and I enjoy;
When a spider spins a web, she does not use a ruler or a compass to calculate her angles. She weaves a perfect web every time making corrections as she goes along; but no one ever told her how. She does not possess a brain by the standards of man. She will never stand back and appraise her web from a distance; she is too small. However she will eat the prey she catches in it, she will lay eggs whose inhabitants who will weave their own webs. Who is being cleaver, the spider or the web? Is consciousness the beginning of knowledge, or it's end?
For the spider to be conscious of herself, to know what she is, she would also equally need to know what she is not, bringing great loneliness. Being human we all know about that. We nurse both consciousness and loneliness while inventing contradictory gods to keep us company while the spider continues spinning in perfect ignorance.
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This world, I honestly and ironically find it to be the most loving and comfortable place I have ever been involved in. No judgment, no true hate,
My Master, Arafiss, I love him as I have for a long time, I fear him more often then I will ever admit but in a healthy manner. He is the first person all my life who I have believed when they said "You don't have to be perfect" or "Yes I'm mad, but I still love you."
Coming from a history, one abusive, manipulating asshole after another, always stuck paying their way in life just to feel something that could possibly resemble love or care, never understanding why? what's wrong with me that brings nothing but pain to my bedside?
Turns out in a way I was searching for it. I need that pain, that fear, that extra burden. Or honestly I completely dislike the person I become. Suddenly expecting everyone else to do everything, being just plain bitchy.... No patience, no tolerance. I don't like her, that spoiled creature within me.
Feeling much like Alice only my Wonderland has torture sessions. I jump into my Masters arms every chance I have, he is so unbelievably kind, understanding, and giving. all he asks in return is for an outlet to his sadistic nature, service, true reasoning when something does not continue as planned, strive, honor. In a nut shell? Blood, sweat, and tears.
I am so happy here. even when I am afraid.
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| Age: 41 |
| Germany |
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