kittygoespurr

How can you help someone who doesn't want to be helped?

In the past year and a half, I've been doing a LOT of soul-searching. I had been unhappy since I moved to Washington, and I wanted things to change. For years, I noticed I always played the "Woe is me" victim who believed that attracted bad people and bad juju. Yes, bad shit happens. Yes, one meets bad people. Yes, one will get hurt. Yes, one will encounter a SHIT TON of disappointment left and right. One day, I realized I was sick of playing the victim. I got sick and tired of complaining. I got sick and tired of waiting for good things to happen. I MADE things happen for myself. Although my personal growth is not complete yet, I will complete it. Because of the choices I made, I completed school, and I am now embarking on a new journey filled with endless possibilities!

I MADE things happen for me through hard work, a little bloodshed, and a shit ton of tears. Tuesday, I begin this journey. And I can't wait for this cruise I am planning with a friend.

Now...I've got this friend who is stuck in a rut. He and I have spent many nights thinking of several ways for him to get out of it. From what he's told me, he's tried applying for jobs, but constantly gets rejection letters. This week alone, he applied for 5-6 jobs, and has gotten a few rejection notices. I tried cheering him up, but he would have none of it. So I tried a different avenue. I tried helping him sort out his negative feelings by asking him a series of questions, about what he felt he deserved out of life, and what he was going to do to claim it. He shut down, and decided he didn't want to talk about it. I then told him that I would stop talking to him until he was ready to reach out to me again.

I don't know what to do. I love him dearly. He has claimed many times that I was his best friend, but I haven't felt it from him lately. If he doesn't want to reach out, who am I to force myself as his aid? But I don't want him to fall into this perceived pit of muck and despair. I mean, what do you do to help a drowning man if he refuses to be helped? I fear that he will drown in his sorrows. He is a big boy, and he should be able to help himself, but he doesn't believe that he has the strength to do it.

The only thing I CAN do at this point is to leave him be. If this means our friendship is over at this point in time, then so be it. Buttfuck, I am tired of constantly giving him sound advice he doesn't agree with (like doing ACTUAL work to better himself). He seems to always want something easy. Unless he gets his shit together, he will NEVER be happy.

I'll miss him in the meantime, and I do hope he figures it out. Otherwise, I will just stand back, and let him figure it out on his own.

Memories drifted in and out of my conscious mind as I sit, waiting for my date to arrive. Looking down at my white mug filled with black tea and cream, I quietly mused at the memories swimming in my head. I don’t know why I thought of my Daddy, and the things He did to me when I was younger. It had been at least ten years since I saw Him; ten years since I ran away from my mother’s home. I struggled when I first left, but managed to make something of myself in the past three years. I took a long sip of my black tea with cream, and swallowed its mellow mingled flavor. I took a deep breath, and tried to push the thoughts from my head. I also tried to ignore the fact that here I sat, waiting for my date, yet immersed in my thoughts. Smiling, I called myself a bad girl, telling myself I should be punished for having such lascivious thoughts about my Daddy.

In all honesty, even though the first few times my Daddy raped me truly hurt me inside, both physically and emotionally, towards the end, I began to enjoy myself. It took me years to come to terms with that thought. However, when I finally came to terms with it, I realized that I yearned to have that touch again; that aggression He had, the passion He showed me, and the evil lust that He built up inside me. I wanted it all.

So here I sit at this little tea café in a little quaint neighborhood in Seattle, waiting for my date to arrive, hoping I can relive my fantasies through him. I arrived a little early. He and I started talking on a fetish website. There, I was able to relish in my incestuous fantasies and memories, some of which I wrote as a journal entry. Some of those entries garnered attention; attention I did not expect. Although fictionalized, many of the emotions I wrote down were true. It was because of those entries that I attracted my date. His screen name was something like Mad_Hatter3, or Mad_Hatter_guy…I don’t really remember. He appreciated what I wrote, and was excited about my fetish. He said to me that my writing was impeccable, that my thoughts lascivious and dirty. He also said to me that he wanted to know more about me.

I received many emails like this in the past. He was not at all unique in this respect. I thought about casting the email aside, as I had done so many times before. However, something caught my eye: it was his profile picture. From afar, this man resembled my Daddy. At that moment, I felt my heart skip a beat. My breath was caught in my chest. This man looked like Daddy! Feeling shaky, I clicked on his profile picture to bring up his profile. This man, my date, resembled my Daddy so strongly, one would think they were blood relatives. I looked down, and read his little ‘About Me’ section, and saw that he went on and on about himself, but nothing about his fetishes. With my curiosity slightly piqued, I went to his pictures. I wanted to know more about this man, this Mad Hatter fellow. I clicked on a picture. Then I clicked on another one. And then another. Each photo, one after another, reminded me of Daddy during His youth; handsome, rugged, and a little dangerous. I could not keep my eyes off of him, this Mad Hatter fellow. There were several pictures of him; some were artistic nudes, some were casual, and some were of him dressed up in formal evening wear. I looked at each picture, one after the other. My eyes widened as each picture passed my gaze. Finally, it rested upon a single shot. It was a simply-done photo, professional in nature, in black and white. He wore a dressy suit, with what looked like a pearl as a button that rested on top of his medial sternum, a simple elegant bow-tie, and what looked like a satin vest underneath his jacket. His stance was relaxed, one hand resting at the breast of his jacket lapel, the other tucked in his side pocket. His head was cocked to the side, angled down, but his eyes were glued to the camera.

When I looked into his eyes, it almost felt like it bored a hole inside me. I stared at this picture for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, I decided to reply to his message. Something intrigued me about Mad Hatter. I wanted to know what it was.

So here I sit, some weeks later, awaiting his arrival. I took another drink of my tea to calm my nerves. While drinking, I hear a gentleman call out my name. Slightly perturbed, I turned around to see my date standing there, looking at me with those eyes; those eyes that haunted my thoughts since I first laid eyes on them through that fetish website. Today, however, his gaze was not as intense as the one from the picture. This one was friendly. I smiled, greeted him courteously, and wondered how I was to make such intensity appear from his eyes.

We sat down, with him sitting across from me. He ordered a mixture of jasmine and green tea from the hostess who walked up to us. After the hostess left to ring his order, he turned his attention to me. Although he maintained his friendly expression, I saw something far sinister in his eyes. Maybe it was my imagination, I was not sure. All I knew, at that particular moment, that I was drawn in. There was an air about him that made it seem like he was sex reincarnated in human form. It was intoxicating. His hair was as yellow as hay, cut short and neatly. His eyebrow was pierced with what appeared to be a silver sterling round earring. His eyebrows were naturally arched and neat. His seemingly malevolent eyes were blue; a blue I had never seen before. It almost looked like an amalgamation of the purest sapphire and blue aragonite. It was definitely a sight to behold. After staring into his eyes, my gaze wandered off to his nose-straight and pointy, without a mark on it. His lips were thin, and the corner looked slightly upturned into a kind of crooked smile.
He knew I was watching quite intently. He chuckled, and started to converse with me. I let out a little nervous laughter, and tried to relax. I knew he was not my Daddy. However, the way he held himself was definitely reminiscent of my Daddy during His younger years.

For hours, we sat in this tea café, talking about life, philosophy, and art. The more I got to know this Mad Hatter, the more I was intrigued. I believed he saw that. He suggested dinner that instant. Mad Hatter stated that he lived close by, and to have dinner at his place. I agree, and soon after we walked to his home.
After a few minutes of taking lefts and rights, we finally stopped in front of a shop that had a door slightly tangent to the entrance of said shop. He took out his keys, and waved me in, stating the gentleman’s line, “Ladies’ first.” Feeling my nerves steel against my skin, with my heart thumping deeply in my chest, I took a deep breath in and walked up the stairs. He informed me to take a right atop the stairs, and I quietly complied. I reached atop the stairs and veered right, only to see a hallway to my left. Mad Hatter instructed me to take a left into the hallway. I waited for him to stand next to me, and had him lead me into the right apartment. As I walked down the hall, with Mad Hatter in front of me, I noticed the color of the paint in the hallway-eggshell, with black trim. Maroon carpets with gold and yellow trim line the floors of the hallway. I looked to the side, and see each door painted a soft bluish gray, with gold-plated door knockers and an apartment number beneath them. He led me down the hall, where on the opposite end I see a small window, softly letting in rays of peeking sunlight. After a few steps, Mad Hatter stopped in front of a door, looked at me, and said to me that this was the door to his home. I smiled and nodded as he opened the door know with his keys, his eyes keeping in contact with mine.

After he opened the door, he led me inside. He showed me to the living room, with Mad Hatter standing directly behind me. Before I could even take in everything that was in his home, Mad Hatter grabbed both of my arms, and held it behind me. The action shocked me rather than frighten me. I tried to look back at him, but before I could, he pushed me-face first-to a couch that was apparently in front of us. Sudden realization hit: he was going to take me, whether I consented or not. Memories of my Daddy came flooding back to my mind with a vengeance. Fear crept up inside me as I struggled to break free from his grip. Moving my head to the side to catch my breath of air, I tried to let out a scream. His hand clamped down on my mouth. He then sat astride on my back, with my arms underneath him. He then grabbed a fist full of my long hair, and said to me, if I screamed, he would make my experience even more painful than when my first Daddy took me. I closed my mouth, and nodded my head. I understood what he was going to do, and it excited me. I was afraid of him, but my body responded so easily. He got up just a little, and turned my whole body around.

He was strong. He overpowered me so easily. I knew that fighting him was not an option. Even with this knowledge, I fought as hard as I can. I somehow freed my arms, and tried my hardest to attack him, to no avail. He clamped my hands above my head with one of his hands, and with the other, he grabbed my jaw. I looked into his eyes, and I saw it: that expression from that black-and-white photo that I could not stop myself from staring into. It was intoxicating. I could not stop staring into them. His eyes turned darker, more sinister. He laughed at the futility of my fighting him. Even with my hands being held above my head, I tried to thrust my pelvis upward to try and make him lose his balance. Mad Hatter than kissed me, and proceeded to shove his tongue down my throat.

Feeling excitement I had not felt in years, I met his violent kiss. My body stopped fighting him, and I relaxed beneath him. Feeling defeated and ashamed, I gave in to my most carnal desire. I kissed him with much fervor, and arched my back to touch his chest. He moved the hand that gripped my jaw, and placed it on my breast. He grabbed it so hard, I moaned into his mouth. As I moaned, I winced a little at the pain and pleasure his hand brought upon my body. I felt myself getting moist. I tried to reposition myself from beneath him, and he allowed me. I moved my legs, spread them, and invited him to position himself between them. With Mad Hatter between my legs, I arched my hips upward to feel him. I ached as his tongue continued its onslaught within my mouth. I noticed his grip on my hands soften. I used that opportunity to pull my hands down, and envelop him. With one hand, I grabbed him from behind his head, and with the other hand, I caressed his muscular back. I pulled him closer to me as we continued to kiss, his tongue continually meeting each stroke of my own.

I struggled to breathe as his kisses continued. Swiftly, he removed his mouth from mine, and traveled downwards to my neck. There, he continued to kiss me, and then lick me. After a bit, he began to bite the side of my neck. Losing myself in my lust, I took a deep, sharp breath in, and moaned out loud. The hand he used to roughly grab my breast was now pinching my nipple. The other free hand, I noticed, started to travel downward to my most sensitive area. He lifted up the waistband of my pants, and got to his destination. He moved my underwear aside, and dipped his finger inside me. It felt so good! He stroked and explored me from the inside. I could not hold in any longer. I moaned and thrashed towards his finger as he continued to bite my neck. I wanted it. I wanted him. I wanted to taste him, and to feel him inside me. I wanted to him satiate this hunger I’ve had since I was a young girl being forced to take my Daddy’s lust.

Mad Hatter then inserted another finger inside, and proceeded to fuck me with them. With each entrance of his fingers, I arched my hips up to meet each thrust. I gripped him harder, more fervently. Soon after, he stopped his assault from inside me, along with his biting my neck, and sat up. I looked up at him, my gaze a bit blurry, wondering what he was going to do next. He looked down at my chest, took my shirt from my waist, and hauled it over my head, along with my bra. He then stood up, and grabbed my pants, and removed them from my body. There I laid on his couch, naked, lust brimming in my eyes. I looked up at him to see him removing his shirt, and unbuttoning his jeans. He bent over to pull my hair, and had me sit up. I was now facing the crotch area of his pants. He undid his zipper, and planted my face on his crotch. I could smell him. My mouth watered at his scent. Although a little different, Mad Hatter smelled slightly similar to my Daddy. I felt my mouth watering in anticipation of being filled by his cock.

Finally, he uncaged his cock, had me open my mouth, and slipped it in. He was just as big as Daddy. His hard cock filled my mouth and throat suddenly. I gagged a little at the force, and instinctively pushed him away slightly. He grabbed me by the hair as he pulled out, and proceeded to plunged deep into my throat once more. Tears sprang forth from my eyes. I could not breathe, and I continued to choke on his cock. He then proceeded to fuck me in my mouth. I gagged from time to time, but he did not go easy on me. I looked deep into his eyes as he continued to rape my mouth. I did not want to beg. I did not want my eyes to look as though they were begging. I knew, however, that they were. They were begging him to go softer, maybe a little gentler. He would not do it. Instead, he pulled out of my mouth quite roughly as I cough and hack to try and regain my breath. He chuckled a little under his breath, and then called me his little whore. I continued to look into his eyes. They looked evil, almost maniacal. The smile on his lips made him look slightly demonic. His eyes, however, was a different story. His eyes were filled with lust so unbridled, it almost seemed to match that of my Daddy’s. He then threw me on the couch, and forced me to spread my legs. He removed his pants and underwear, then positioned himself in between my legs. Swiftly, he entered me. It hurt me so much when his cock raped me. I screamed in agony, and begged him to go slower.

Mad Hatter did not listen. He continued to ravage my pussy, its walls clinging to his cock. Not being able to take the pain, I started to cry. It felt just like my first time with my Daddy. I begged him to stop, even uttering my safe word, but he refused to listen. He continued to thrust inside me over and over again. Out of nowhere, his hands gripped my breasts. It almost felt like vice grips. I took a sharp breath in, and pleaded with him to stop. It hurt so much! He then covered my mouth with his, as I continued to scream for him to cease. Feeling defeated, I closed my eyes, and kissed him back. I wanted to enjoy myself, but it was hurting so much. I laid there, unmoving, as he continued to fuck me, my hands on my sides. I continued to kiss him, hoping he would move more slowly.

Soon after, the pain slowly began to dissipate. Pleasure was starting to creep its way back from where he was raping me. I lifted my arms to envelop him as I slowly met each painful thrust. Minutes ticked by as the onslaught continued. After what seemed like an hour, he pulled himself from my mouth, got up, removed himself from inside me, and turned me over. Mad Hatter then lifted my butt into the air, positioned himself behind me, and proceeded to fuck me from behind, with my legs closed. I bit my lip to keep me from screaming. Although the pain was not as intense, it was still present. I hid my face in the pillows of his couch as he rammed me from behind. Though it hurt, deep inside me a new-found pleasure reared its head. Mad Hatter continued to fuck me brutally. With one hand, he once again grabbed a fist-full of my hair, and pulled it so hard that my head, neck, and back arched up. He pulled me against him, and with his free hand, he grabbed my neck. He then proceeded to choke me until I could not take in a single breath. After what felt like a very long minute, he let go of my neck. A wave of fresh oxygen found its way into my lungs. It felt like heaven. I felt contractions in my pussy, knowing I was about to have an orgasm. I succumbed to it, feeling waves of shameful pleasure rippling through my body. I screamed in ecstasy. Soon after, I hear him grunting, and felt his cock grow massively inside me. I then felt contractions, and I knew he achieved his orgasm as well.

After he had his orgasm, he laid on top of me, and held me close. The heady scent of our sex lingered in the air. I took several deep breaths as I tried to calm my heart beat. I slowly turned my upper body to meet his gaze. He arched his head a little to look at me, then he smiled. After that smile came a chuckle. Mad Hatter then removed himself from atop me, and sat down on the couch. I pushed myself up from the couch, and sat next to him. He looked at me, and asked me if I still wanted to have some dinner. I wiped the tears from my eyes, sniffled, and nodded my head. He then got up and got dressed. Afterwards, he instructed me to do the same, and told me to get dressed. He then suggested I fix my appearance in the mirror. After I fixed myself, he suggested to go to one of his favorite restaurants a few blocks away from his apartment. I nodded, suddenly realizing how hungry I was. He stood by the door with his hand held out for me. I grabbed it, and we walked downstairs and onto the street, where onlookers would not have guessed what had transpired between him and me.

-End

so i have been asked, on more than one occasion, what it is i am looking for...

i never really thought about this until recently. to be honest, i haven't really known what i was looking for. for a moment; a brief, spark of a moment, i thought i found it. i didn't know what it was, but i knew i found it. it wasn't real, but in that particular moment, it was enough.

it wasn't romance. it wasn't sex. shit, sadly, it wasn't even sexual/physical chemistry.

it was comfort. it was a sense of peace of mind. it was a heart that beat in sync with mine, for that one moment. when i closed my eyes, the world melted away. all that existed was the two of us. problems disappeared; stress was gone; my heart was full. i was happy.

yes, sex was involved. play was involved. ropes, whips, hands, heat, mouth, tongue...all of that was involved. but the most memorable part of such a fleeting moment was sitting the both of us, sitting across one another half naked, laughing at something silly. it was pure. it was a night stolen. it was but a moment.

it wasn't the sex i remember. it wasn't the passion. it was that comfort. it was that ability to be myself, PURELY myself, without fear of judgement; without fear of being made fun of; without fear of castigating eyes, or sympathy. and when i held him upon my breast, breathing ever so quietly upon my skin, i knew for a moment it was where i belonged.

unfortunately, it has come to pass. the moment has gone. it burned brightly like that of the sun, and disappeared faster than dying embers of fire that burned cold. what do i want? this is what i want.

just because you can take advantage of a girl who actually cares for you (whom you don't give two shits about), doesn't mean you should. grow up.

well...it seems i haven't written a journal entry in over a month...i'd been so busy with school and life, i just completely forgot about this. so here goes.

for almost 4 months, i've been seeing the most interesting Daddy Dom...for about a month and a half, things were...weird. suffice it to say, i was weird towards Him, because i was hurting and licking my wounds. but a few weeks ago, things somewhat returned to normal. and now, here i am, freaking out again. why? because i sent Him a text message last night (because i was supposed to be heading over to His place), and He never responded. I sent Him a text message again earlier today, and He STILL hasn't responded. i know there are TONS of reasons as to why He hasn't...but all that kept replaying over and over in my head is the possibility of Him talking to His stupid ex. GODDAMN IT! i know i am being completely paranoid, and i need to stop. i just have this feeling that He...i dunno. i keep having these emotional knee-jerk responses, and i don't know wtf i have them. i understand having feelings for someone is...well, for lack of a better term, bleh. it's complicated and annoying and gets in the way.

in about 3 months, i am planning on asking Him if He actually sees a potential relationship between Him and me. I feel a bit of a coward, and a bit of a bitch, for wanting this...actually, i feel like i am degrading myself.

what the fuck happened to the self-assured woman i used to be? i was fine and happy being single! i could go anywhere, do anything, without having to answer to some male-type figure. and now, i get all sad-face when i don't hear from Him? fucking gross dude...

:'( not a good night... really bad night...

:) fantasy or reality? you be the judge...

My Daddy does many special things for me. Although He is a man of few words, He always finds ways of showing me how special I am in His life. Last night was the best night I have experienced since the night we first got together. The thought of the night still puts a smile on my face…

My boss told me I was to work some overtime because the previous person who had my position was dead-beat. She never did her work. She showed up, socialized, took her breaks and lunches, then went home. When I got hired, I needed to complete months of stacked paperwork that she never finished. I hated her already. It was about 11:37 PM when I heard some noises from outside of my office. Thinking it was just the janitor, I ignored the noises, and continued to work. To further block out the noises, I plugged my ears with my earphones, and turned up the music. Because I was by myself, I decided to listen to my favorite band, Within Temptations. Immediately, I was calmed.

Unfortunately, it was not the janitor that made the noises. Also, because my music was blasting in my ears, I did not anticipate what happened next. One minute I was inputting some data onto the computer, the next, there was a gloved hand on my mouth, and another with a knife on my throat. Shocked and surprised, I did not comprehend what was happening at the moment. Then I heard Him speak.

“Move, and I will slit your pretty throat. Scream, and I will break your neck. Do you understand me?” He said gruffly. My heart skipped. Fear gripped every part of my body. Normally, when a person is put in a situation like this, they would fight, or scream, or even cry. I did neither. My body froze. All I could think of was that I was alone. Although there were security cameras all over the building, there were no security cameras in my office. Even if there was one, they would not be able to capture him. There was no security guard on duty, since the building was secure. I was completely alone. Fear crawled up and down my spine. I felt hot and cold flashes go thru my body. My cheeks started to grow hot, and my breathing became labored. I could feel the cool steel pressing against the right side of my neck. It rested directly on top of my jugular vein. I could feel it starting to dig into my skin. I could feel my pulse rise and fall rapidly against the knife. So I closed my eyes, and hoped he wouldn’t kill me.

I nodded obediently. I did not want to die. I wanted to see my Love again…I wanted to see my Daddy . This was the only way I could. He dug the tip of the knife even deeper in my throat. Pain shot throughout my whole body. Then he moved his hand that covered my mouth. He began to unbutton my blouse. One by one, the buttons came undone, revealing my tank top. My tits were hard from all the blood pumping in my system, and because Boyfriend does not allow me to wear any underwear, they stuck out. He noticed.

“Oh? My, what a dirty little whore you are…I’m guessing you enjoy the predicament you’re in. Heh, I can enjoy myself tonight,” He said evilly. After he said that, my mind decided it was the best time to abandon me. Fear enveloped me as the words took root in my mind. I could not remember my name, I could not remember where I was, I could not remember anything. Unfortunately, my body reacted just as he said. I suddenly felt all the blood rush to my head. Although my conscious mind had no control over me any longer, I knew I did not want this. But my body….my body betrayed me. My body betrayed my Man.

Roughly, he tore off my tank top, and began to pinch my nipple hard. It made me wince and moan softly. I kept my eyes closed, trying to make my brain function again. Then he began to grab my right tit hard. I moaned a little harder. I could hear his breathing start to get labored. The fear that enveloped me gave way to new feelings. Particularly, the way his hand abused my right tit. I hate admitting this, but it felt incredible! I was supposed to hate this. I was not supposed to enjoy this. My Boyfirend…what will He think of me? I was his, and no one else. The necklace wrapping around my neck with a lock was proof of that. But I didn’t fight my assailant. At the time, I wanted to attribute it to my shock and fear, but I knew that was not it. This asshole…this attacker…this son of a bitch was touching me the way my Love did. I hated myself for responding the way I did.

I could not help myself. A lump started to form in my throat. I knew I was going to cry; and I knew he this shitbag would enjoy it. I bit my lip to hold back the wave of disgust and pleasure going through my body. He grabbed and pulled at my full tit and nipple, pinching down hard. I bit my lip harder to stop myself from letting a scream of pleasure come out. I wanted to fight him. I didn’t want him to get in my mind. I didn’t want him touching me.

He continued to touch me. He lifted my skirt from the front, and grabbed my right inner thigh hard. At this point, knew I was wet. With all of his fingers, he squeezed my inner thigh hard, causing my body to convulse a little. The horny part of me wanted him to reach its final destination, but I knew it was wrong. I began to cry. Tears filled my eyes quickly, and started streaming down my cheeks. All the while, I kept my eyes closed. I didn’t want to look at him. I didn’t want to see his face. I just wanted him to finish, and leave.

I knew he was looking at me. I could feel his eyes on my face, watching the tears trickle down my cheeks. He dug the knife in even deeper. I could feel something warm going down my neck, and I knew I was bleeding. I tensed up, and closed my legs. He removed his hand from my thigh, and pulled my long black hair sharply. I whimpered softly, crying out a little. He then hissed in my ear, “Close your legs one more time, and I will use this knife to fuck your little hole. Is that what you want?” I shook my head. I couldn’t even talk.

“Good,” he said. He let go of my hair, and ripped my skirt away.

“Spread them,” he ordered. I obeyed immediately. I was completely exposed to him now. I’m sure at this point, he could see the effect he had on my body. I know he could smell me. Shit, I was able to smell myself, I was so turned on. He removed the grip he had on my hair, and immediately plunged two fingers inside my wetness. I screamed out both in pain and in pleasure. He pushed in and out, and I could hear the sloppy sounds my wet pussy made. It was so shameful…but it felt so good. I wanted it. I wanted him. As he mercilessly fucked me with two fingers, I knew I was losing this battle. I started to moan out loud, and since no one could hear me, I knew he wouldn’t get caught. I knew I wouldn’t be saved. So I relaxed my body, and let him have his way.

No one would know…my Beloved wouldn’t know. No one would know except him and me. For a moment, clarity returned to my head, and I knew if I wanted to come out of this ordeal alive, that I needed to comply. So I relaxed my body, and allowed him to violate me. As soon as I relaxed, his fingers fucking me didn’t hurt as badly as the initial insertion. He continued his attack on me for quite a bit, while the knife stayed lodged at my neck.

He quickly stopped, and I heard rustling in the background. Teary-eyed, I opened my eyes for a minute. My pupils slowly adjusted to the darkness around me. He turned off the lights, and I didn’t even notice. I was so engrossed in the computer screen, I didn’t notice that he turned off the lights in my office. The knife then suddenly disappeared from my neck, and as quickly as it left my neck, I felt cloth wrap around my eyes. I quickly shut them. My hands gripped the handles of my chair tightly as he blindfolded me. After tying the knot, he pulled me up to my feet. The clothes he ripped off dropped. Whether it dropped on the floor, or on the ground, I didn’t know. But I did still have my blouse covering my shoulders and back. He roughly pulled it off me, completely exposing my naked body to him. I heard more rustling in the background, then he held my hands behind my back. He tied my hands together, and when I tried to pull them apart, I felt a very stiff kind of material on my wrists. I thought to myself that it must be zip-ties.

Realizing that they were zip-ties, I felt somewhat comforted. My Boyfriend was the only one who knew I preferred zip-ties. Feeling somewhat comforted, my fears somewhat alleviated. However that didn’t last as long as I hoped. He turned me around, and pulled my hair downward, bringing me to my knees. Knowing I was too powerless to stop him, I sat on my calves. I heard something that resembled a belt unbuckling, a slight pause, and then the sound of unzipping. After a bit of what I assumed was his pants falling onto his ankles, he grabbed my hair tightly, and pulled me towards him. My face hit his cock and balls roughly. I smelled his scent, and knew immediately it was not Him. Fear once again gripped my. I swallowed, and pulled away slightly. I closed my mouth, and tightened my jaw shut. My assailant really expected me to swallow his dick? Really?! He pulled my hair back roughly, and I felt his mouth by my ear.

“You are going to suck my dick, my little whore, and you will do a good job. If you decide to be brave, and bite him, I will jab my dagger through your neck, and you will suffocate on your own blood,” he hissed in my ear. His breath by my ears brought shivers of pleasure and revulsion down my spine. I didn’t want him in my mouth, but again, my body refused to listen to my brain. My mouth began to salivate at the anticipation of getting fucked by his dick. I nodded despite his vice-like grip on my hair, and he stood. With his free hand, he squeezed my jaw open, thereby opening my mouth, and he placed the head of his hard cock in between my lips. I could smell a bit of pre-cum, as well as his musky scent. Instinctively, I licked the head to taste him. I slowly wrapped my mouth around the head of his cock, forming an ‘O’ with my mouth. He was thick. Slowly, he began to insert his dick inside my mouth. I sucked on it as he was exiting, and relaxed my throat as he entered. Then he slapped my face hard.

“Stop that,” he ordered, “just open your mouth wide open.” So I stopped suckling him. I relaxed my jaw, and let him invade my mouth. At first, he started slowly; he inched his way down my throat gently, holding onto my hair tightly. Soon after, he pushed his cock deep down my throat. Not only was he thick, but also long. He did not pull out immediately; he just kept his cock lodged down my throat. I held my breath, but I knew it wasn’t going to last long. I gagged, and he pulled out slightly. Slowly, he began to fuck my face. A few seconds later, he started to increase his pace. After I acclimated to his size, he started thrusting harder and harder, faster and faster, while simultaneously pulling my hair to pull me towards him. I couldn’t handle it; his cock was so long and so fat. I started to cry harder. It didn’t help with the breathing situation. I gagged, and bile escaped from my throat. I kept it in my mouth, afraid that he might punch me in the face if I let it spill. He pulled out slightly, allowing me to swallow my bile, as well as take a breath. I wanted him to take his cock out of my mouth, but he just held me there. I forced myself to calm down, and take deep breaths. I knew his patience would run thin. I took about 4 deep breaths until he resumed violating my mouth.

I could feel my pussy getting wetter and wetter with each thrust, with each nudge he gave my head while gripping my hair. I felt so powerless, so humiliated. I hated that I enjoyed the taste and feel of his cock getting rammed down my throat. With each thrust, I could feel him getting harder. After a few minutes of fucking my face, he forcefully pulled my head away from his cock. I was breathing and coughing hard. My throat felt ragged and sore. My cheeks burned from the tears that fell from my eyes. The blindfolds were soaked through from my tears. Then I heard him chuckle evilly. I could tell from the way he laughed that he thoroughly enjoyed violating me. He enjoyed the power he has over me. He enjoyed the pain I was feeling from my hair getting pulled, and my throat getting fucked.

“Is that how you like it, cunt?” He asked me. I sobbed out loud as a reply. I then feel a powerful slap on my face. I cried out in surprise and in pain. I tried to quiet my sobbing, but I was failing miserably. I ended up taking several light breaths, knowing I would probably hyperventilate.

“Sobbing is not an answer. Answer the question! Is that how you like it cunt?” He asked again.

I quickly nodded my head in response. I didn’t want him to hurt me. But the way he slapped me…I couldn’t take it. My pussy started aching because it wanted his cock so badly. My mind’s eye kept picturing my Love, and how He would probably discard if He ever found out of my reactions. I tried to appease my conscience by telling myself over and over again that I was doing this because I didn’t want to die, that I wanted to see my Master again, and that He wouldn’t let me go just because I submitted unwillingly to this rapist.

As soon as I nodded my head, he shoved his balls in my face. Not knowing whether I should lick it, or suck on it, or even open my mouth, I waited for his instructions. He pulled my hair back roughly, and ordered me to lick them. So I did. Frantically. I twirled my tongue on and around his balls, lightly sucking on them as well, hoping he would be satisfied with what I was doing. I wanted him to just get it over with, rape my pussy, then leave. That, however, was not his plan. He pulled me up, and threw me on top of my desk. I laid on my stomach, ass in the air, on top of the documents I worked on earlier. He then let go of my hair. Soon after, I felt something hitting my ass. It had a sharp sting to it, but the after-effects wore off quickly. Although he wasn’t hitting me hard, it was swift and consecutive. It also seemed incredibly precise. The instrument felt taut, almost like a rattan cane; or a plastic cane…or maybe even a bamboo cane.

It came swiftly, one after another, until my ass cheeks felt like it was burning. The pain felt so good! It erased every other emotion from my mind. All I could see and feel was this instrument raining pain on my ass cheeks. One by one, the hits came down, some faster and swifter, some slower and more deliberate. Inch by inch, it slowly crept down to the back of my thighs. The stinging pain of this instrument drove me crazy. It burned, and left trails of pain as it moved from its old location to a newer part of my flesh. At this point, I couldn’t stop crying out. The moans and slight whispers grew into growls. I wanted it. All of it. I wanted what he had to give me. I wanted him to abuse and rape and use my body, and leave me in a pile of my own juices.

He was mean. He was evil. After burning imprints on my thighs, the instrument began to crawl its way back upwards, re-smacking the areas that were already hit. I’m going to bruise. I know it, and Darling will throw me away. But I didn’t care. All I cared about was this moment. All I care about was the pain I was receiving from my assailant. I wanted the pain he caused me. The mental torment, the physical abuse…I wanted all of it. I was ashamed. I was humiliated. It fueled the lust already brewing on high inside me.

After what seemed like hours of torturous spankings from that devilish instrument, whatever it was, I felt the cool, smoothness of leather on my ass. It was a relief compared to the pain he delivered. My breathing was labored, my throat was hoarse, and my heart was pounding in my chest. My ass and thighs were sore and raw. I tried to calm my breathing, and slowly, it was working. That, however, did not last very long. The cool, smoothness of the leather I felt was another instrument. He spanked me hard on my ass not five minutes after. I cried out hard after one smack, and he brought his hand to caress the area he smacked me with. I began sobbing, my whole body trembling as the pain shot throughout me. It was so painful…it was so incredibly painful. After a minute, he smacked the same area. He proceeded to do this ritual for quite some time. After what felt like a hundred hits, he did the same to the other cheek. He would give me a hard smack, then calm me down with his hand. He did this repeatedly, until I stopped responding. I couldn’t cry out anymore out of pure exhaustion. My head was spinning, even though I did nothing but lay on my stomach. I knew that if I didn’t have the blindfolds, I would be staring off into space.

He brought be back quickly by applying something cool on my ass. Not knowing what it was at the time, I thought it might have been an ice pack. It shocked me awake, all feeling coming back to me. Consciousness returned to me as well. I moaned out loud, feeling relief in the areas I knew he abused. After rubbing the afflicted areas several times, he placed it on my pussy. I almost came on it. The growls came back, but a little softly. He then removed it. My assailant then positions himself in between my legs, and pushes his cock inside me. Oh it was so hard, and so big! It felt so amazing inside me. It stretched me out enough to hurt, but felt just right to feel good. Slowly, he began to push in and out of me. He placed his hands on either side of my hips so that he could hold on as to balance himself as he fucked me. After he felt that my pussy has stretched itself to accommodate his size, he began to increase his pace, and deepen his thrusts. The pressure in and around my pussy was so intense, I no longer cared about anything. I couldn’t think of anything. All I cared about was how hard his cock was, and how hard he was shoving it deep inside of me. I felt no shame, no guilt, no remorse, no anything. I thought of nothing but his cock thrusting in and out of me. I vaguely heard sloshing from my juices, and slapping.

One of his hands moved from gripping my hips to gripping my tied wrists. He held it hard as he thrust in and out of me. I growled with every hard, deep penetration, my head spinning in sheer ecstasy. I wanted it. I wanted his cock inside me.

Out of nowhere, I suddenly remember that this man was raping me. I became aware of how sensitive my body became. I could feel each vein pulsating from inside my pussy as he rammed his dick inside me. I could feel the intensity rising. I, then, met each of his thrusts just as hard. My growls grew louder and more guttural, almost as though I were possessed by an evil demon. I knew I was getting there. The muscles in my abdomen started tightening. The pressure was building, and I felt like was about to piss on him. Harder and harder, I pushed myself against him. I begged him not to stop. My head was spinning, the world around me was spinning, my breathing was so labored, my voice incredibly hoarse. I didn’t care. At that precise moment, I didn’t give a shit about anything. All I could think about was the pressure building higher and higher inside me. Very quickly, my pussy walls started to contract, and an explosion hit me. I screamed out loud as he thrust deep inside me, and pulled out. His pace increased as the explosion continued. I felt wetness trickle down my legs, and he quickly pulled out his cock. I felt my wetness gushing out as the pressure lightened. Slowly, the interval between the contractions from my pussy walls grew slightly longer, but the intensity was still there. I felt my entire body shivering as I came. I closed my legs instinctively, and bent my knees. My legs were shaking. My entire body was vibrating from the orgasm I experienced. Slowly, I came down from my high. My breathing was labored, so I took long, deep breaths. The contractions faded away into nothing, my mind slowly returning me to the present. My body was exhausted, but felt so alive. All of my senses because ultra-sharp.

After a few minutes, my body started to recover from what just happened. My assailant pulled me by the hair, forcing me to stand up. He turned me around, and pushed me down. He made me lay on my back, on top of my desk. He then spread my legs opened, and entered me again. After such a huge orgasm, my body was still extremely sensitive, so I moaned out loud. This time, he didn’t start slow. He fucked me hard and long. The growls started to escape my throat again. This time, I came after just a few thrusts, although not as intense as the first time. After I came, he pulled out, and jizzed all around my pussy-area, especially on my mound. It was over.

At first, I just laid there, not moving an inch. He only movements my body had were slight twitches, and my stomach rising and falling to the rhythm of my breath. Consciousness once again returned to my head. This time, I was quite aware of what just happened. Shame engulfed me quicker than flames spreading through the driest part of a Californian forest. My breath quickened once more as guilt followed that shame. I didn’t want this. I never wanted this. My body betrayed me. My body betrayed my Master and me. I hated it. I hated me.

It was a humiliation I never felt before. It began to consume me. I knelt down slowly to make sure I don’t hit anything on the way down, and bowed my head in shame. I cried softly to myself, knowing that I would tell Master as soon as I got home. I let my long, straight black hair fall to hide my face, trying to cover my shame.

Somewhere in the background, from the rustling I heard, my rapist must have put on his clothes. He then turned on. I looked around me, but couldn’t see anything. I wiped the excess tears from my eyes, and tried to look at my assailant. I saw black with red striped tennis shoes. Slowly, I looked up. He wore jeans; dark wash denims with light fading in the middle. His pants were loose. My eyes inched upward to his crotch. He had on a black belt with a chrome buckle, nothing too ostentatious. His shirt was black-regular v-shaped neck short-sleeved shirt. I hesitantly looked at his face. It was my Daddy's friend. Behind him, standing by the door, was my Daddy, with a video camera in His hand, and a very obvious hard-on in His pants. Not understanding what just happened, my Daddy turned off the camera, and walked over to me. Although I still felt ashamed and dirty, I was more confused than anything else. He walked over to me, placed the now-dead camera on my table, and knelt in front of me. I don’t know how I looked at Him, but it must have been such hurt look. He gave me a hug, and told me that I was safe the entire time. I remembered the warmth that was trickling down my throat, and saw a sticky clear substance. My Daddy told me it was merely simple syrup with warm water. And the knife…well, it had a round-edge and had absolutely no sharpness to it.

I looked at Him, and cocked my head to my right. I didn’t understand what was going on, so He explained to me slowly. He reminded me of a talk He and I had about role-playing. We were in bed, and I was complaining that we never had spice in our sexual relationship. I confided in him that I wanted to enact a completely realistic rape fantasy, complete with not knowing who my rapist was, while it got video-taped by Him. Realization dawns on me that the scene was exactly the scene He and I talked about. All of the negative emotions I had slowly started to disappear. I began to laugh as relief swept through me like a tidal wave. I cried a bit more because I still felt as though I cheated on Him, but He assured me that He wasn’t jealous, nor was it considered cheating, since he was in the room taking a video to document everything that happened. Out of nowhere, he wrapped a blanket around me, and hugged me. I moved about a quarter of an inch, and I was reminded of the abuse my ass had taken. I still didn’t understand. My Daddy, however, grabbed me by the chin, and made me look into His eyes with my tear-stained ones. He kissed me a little by the corner of my lip, and told me that He loved me.

last night, i spent some time with my Daddy. i did something with Him that i normally wouldn't do with other men. other people take it for granted, and some are complete whores to it (this isn't  a bad thing). it's just not something i do often, because it makes me feel uncomfortable. a little background: i have intimacy issues. not sexual intimacy, just...well...i guess the best way to put it is physical intimacy. for example: cuddling. i don't cuddle with just any guy. i may be a bit of a slut, but i'm no cuddle whore. cuddling, for me, is a BIG thing.

well anyway, i went to His place last night, gave Him a massage, then we cuddled up next to each other on the bed, watching some show. suffice it to say, we both fell asleep. now, i'm used to Him falling asleep when i'm there, because after a massage...well, who can stay awake? seriously?! but i'm not used to falling asleep cuddling a man. the last time it happened, i was 19. it's been quite a bit of time. now, i was asleep, so this is kind of hazy, but i believe we fell asleep holding each other, while i scratched him gently on His back/head/butt. :)

it was a very nice feeling. when He woke me up to pack up my table, and start heading home, i didn't want to go. i just wanted to stay there, wrapped up in His warmth. it was sooo comfortable! when i got home, i went into my room, took off some of my clothes, and cuddled with my pillow. i closed my eyes, and the only thing i could think of was that my pillow wasn't my Daddy. it was my pillow. it was soft, a little flattened, and it smelled like me. THAT was the problem!!! it wasn't Him. :( i don't know if this is a good thing, or a bad thing. but i do know that i think i'm starting to really fall for Him, and i don't know if i should. i want to tell Him, but...wtf, i can't do it! i physically cannot do it! first of all, it would come out so awkward.and weird! i don't talk about my feelings. i just...don't. in my opinion, feelings are supposed to be felt, not talked about!

the weird thing is, when i see Him, it doesn't seem like i have feelings. then i go home, and i'm all confused. then i start to miss Him, and all that crap. mew! :( my brain needs to take a vacation, and just allow my heart to enjoy my time with Him, regardless of what we do. i REALLY need to stop over-thinking things, and just enjoy the goddamn ride. seriously.

lord...i'm in a journal-writing mood tonight...

anyway, i was on a few minutes ago, and i was on a group called taboo...something, reading some posts on taboo shit that turns people on. i read anywhere from pissing/vomiting on each other and eating it/gaping/raping/prostitution...all kinds of kinky things. and it got me thinking on my taboo fantasies. as i get older, i feel as though there are things that turn me on now that used to scare the shit out of me. and honestly, i feel a little frightened telling people about it. shit, i feel a little scared admitting it to myself. i feel like it's not normal! lol but then again...wtf does normal mean???

in the kink world (even when i'm alone with my Daddy), i am so quiet about what really excites me. let's face it; vanilla just does absolutely nothing for me now. i sometimes feel like i can't get wet because i have 'dirty' things done to me in the bedroom. i'm so used to having outdoor/voyeuristic sex! and now that i'm having sex in the bedroom...i dunno, it just seems...so ordinary. yes, kinky things can be done in the bedroom...but mew!

a small...VERY small part of me wants to tell people about my proclivities...but who can i tell? maybe one day, i won't feel so ashamed or shy to talk about what it is i fantasize about. but for now...just for now...i will keep them to myself.

toodles!

the last two days have been kind of bleh. i don't know why. tuesday night/wednesday morning, i saw my Daddy for a bit, and you'd think that would make things better. i came over to His place after school/gym, and i massaged Him. afterwards, He let me take Him in my mouth for quite some time. i don't know exactly how long it was, since i spaced out completely as He pulled my hair and fucked my mouth. afterwards, we sat and cuddled in front of the tv.

one would think that after that, i wouldn't feel so blah anymore.

yesterday was bad. i couldn't get out of bed, and i stuffed my face all day. now...because i've been eating really healthy lately, all that shitty food completely fucked with me. i actually ended up throwing up everything i ate. :( today, almost the same thing happened. i don't know why i'm in this shitty funk. and because i have no idea why i'm in this shitty funk, i can't get myself out of it.

yesterday, as i sat on the floor of my bathroom hurling my guts out, i thought about just telling my Daddy how i feel. regardless of where it goes, or how He feels, i need to let Him know. i'm sure He already does... i've never really done that; talk about my feelings. it always comes out so awkward and weird. i just hope i get the chance to do it...

although i must admit: i've been a very selfish kitty the past week. :( i just hope He forgives me.

i am in quite a peculiar mood this evening...not just peculiar, but really bad, negative moods are swirling around in my head. i think maybe it's because my 2nd quarter is nearing its end, and i am feeling quite a bit of pressure to make sure i pass all of my classes. plus, i haven't really been going out since my best friend is now working, and doesn't have as much time to spend with me as he did before. i really don't want to do anything now. i don't want to touch anybody, i don't want anyone to touch me (this is all massage-wise), i am just done, and cannot wait for this goddamn quarter to be over!!!!

i don't even know what's frustrating me the most! my school, or other shit.

another thing that's been bothering me; my cousin has been staying with me since june of this year, and apparently, she is planning on staying here. i was told i was only going to share a room with her for a month, and later, come to find out a month is actually 6 months. i didn't want to do it, but whatever, it's not like i had a choice. her living with us hasn't been horrible, but FUCK!!!! i want my room back! i HATE sharing my room!!! not just that, i have to share my fucking computer, which pisses me the fuck off! it;s MY FUCKING LAPTOP!!! MINE! on top of which, she leaves dirty dishes in my room, wakes me the fuck up in the morning EVERY FUCKING DAY....one morning, she was laughing so fucking hard while she was talking to her bf...i was just like...seriously? i'm trying to fucking sleep, and you laugh your fucking head off, RIGHT NEXT TO ME?!??!!? oh my god!!! how fucking rude and inconsiderate!!!! when i come to bed, and she's dead asleep, i do my best to stay quiet, and not wake her. does she give me the same courtesy? FUCK NO! FUCKING RUDE!!! i love her to death...but omfg! i want her to gtfo of my room. seriously! i am so sick of having someone sleeping in the same bed as me!

not just that, but my room doesn't even smell the same anymore! everytime i come in here, i smell this...odor that i cannot even describe! when she leaves, i air it out. as soon as she comes back, the smell returns! it's fucking nauseating! no amount of febreeze takes it out, and it's really frustrating! god damn it...

another thing: my confidence level these past few months has gone down the shitter. seriously. i know what's causing it, but i would rather not post it up here... the causal factor might read it.

i have so many frustrating shit going on right now, and the saddest part? i cannot even masturbate in my own bedroom to relieve my stress. wtf...i need to gtfo of here....seriously

so...i have a bit of an observation. not a bad one, just a little peculiar.

when i first started dating (19), i attracted nothing but older men. it was INCREDIBLY difficult attracting guys my age. EXCRUCIATINGLY difficult! which, at the time, truly sucked, because i wasn't interested in older men. at the time, older men who hit on me REALLY creeped out!

fortunately, because i have met older men who weren't creepy and wtf, i changed my mind about them. and now that i am more attracted to somewhat older men (anywhere between 10-20 years my senior), i attract guys my age, who i honestly don't get turned on by them anymore). what??? i don't understand... like i said, it's not a bad observation, just peculiar.

i just have to say that this year was the best bday EVER! :)

for those who know me REALLY well, every year around this time, i start dreading the 14th. i HATE getting old. i HATE my bdays-nothing, and i mean ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY NOTHING every goes right on my birthdays. this year, since i had been going thru so many changes, i decided to change my mentality about my birthday. this year, i decided i wanted a fun birthday, and not stay home and think about how old i'm getting. at this point, people usually bitch about graying hair. since i've had gray hair since i was like...8 years old, that doesn't upset me. so for those that laugh and make fun about that...hahaha, sorry...that's not upsetting. :P

well anyway, i had my party at tony's on saturday, which was the night before my actual birthday, and invited a shit-load of people. (ok, the plans started out at kushibar for dinner, then it changed to a taste of india followed by karaoke, then last minute cancelling of dinner all together. i even reserved the table late. O.o-but hey! it all worked out! :) ). Many didn't make it, which was fine. Many did make it! :D and that makes me smile. although we were all kind of quiet at the bar in the beginning, after we began singing, we all got somewhat loud. :) for some reason, tho, we weren't as boisterous as usual. haha, maybe it was because i didn't drink! i usually drink about 4 drinks, and start molesting people. hehehe!

after midnight, my bffl finally arrived after a long day at work, and he came in with this HUGE bag! i was like...."you seriously didn't have to!" he wrote me this AMAZING card that almost made me cry. he said that i should always celebrate my bday, because if it signified me being born in this world, and a lot of very mushy stuff that i'm going to keep to myself, because it's special between him and me. ^_^

today (well, on sunday-since it's technically monday now), my besties and i went to the zoo, but before i talk about that, i want to talk about this. my cousin came home on saturday, and she told me about this amazing reese's cake that she had friday night. thinking how amazing this was, i out it out of my mind, because well...i had to start getting ready (i wanted to look like a sexy bitch at my partay hehe). so after a while, i looked in the freezer, and saw this box from baskin robbins. thinking that it was leftovers from the reese's cake, i put it out of my mind, and started getting ready. on the way to tony's, my cousin talked about the reese's cake again. then i remembered the baskin robbins box in the freezer. i asked her what was in it, and surprise! she told me it's my cake. :) awww!!!! i didn't think she would get me cake! sooo her for that! so anyway, back to the zoo.

a few of my bffls and i went to the zoo (courtesy of groupon tix!). the last time i went to the zoo, (i was 17 at the time) i wanted to see some fucking lions! i was hoping i would get to see some this time! we met up with the bffls in the parking lot, then we saw some penguins, some lizards (including snakes [sorry my love!]) and a shit-ton more. unfortunately, i didn't get to see some lions (damn!). that will be my next goal: go to the zoo, see some lions, my life will be complete. :)

after the zoo, my besties and i went our separate ways, except for my hunny. my treavs and i went met up with the parents and my cousin at mandarin grill to have my bday dinner. omg, we ate sooo much than we could handle (which, surprisingly enough, wasn't really that much). my bffl dropped me home. when the parents and my cousin got home, she and i took a nap. right before midnight, my parents woke me up to blow my candles, and eat some of the surprise cake my cousin bought for me. ^_^ i placed the candles on my cake and lit my candles (i did this because i am kimi, and i like to light my own candles dammit!), and took a couple of pictures. i cut the cake, and it was fucking AMAZING! :)

my bday weekend has concluded, and for the first time since i was 5, i honestly feel VERY sad that it's over. i feel very fortunate for the people i have in my life. i love everyone who's in my life, and...i have learned never to take anything for granted. words cannot express right now how amazing everyone is!

Last night was definitely a learning experience. A painful one, but still one nonetheless.

When i started going to school, i knew it would be difficult to study. i am not one who does that on a normal basis; i get distracted pretty easily. So when i started massaging Daddy, i asked Him to help me study. I also suggested that for every answer i got right, i should get rewarded, and for every answer i got wrong, i should get punished. I would later come to regret this. For two weeks, i would constantly remind Him about helping me study. He would always say yes. Finally, last night, i asked Him if i could come over after His baseball game, to do two things: 1) give Him a post-event massage, and 2) have Him help me study.

So i get there, and Daddy is upset, because His team lost. He explained what happened as i set up my massage table. For about thirty minutes, we sat on the floor as we watched a prerecorded show; Daddy was eating His chocolate pie with a glass of ice water by His side, and i was looking for areas of His body that I felt would be tense. After He finished His chocolate pie, i had Him lay on my massage table, and proceeded to give Him a post-event sports massage.

After the massage was over, He told me to grab my notecards. So i walked over to my bag, grabbed my notecards, and handed it to Him. Daddy sat up, and He instructed me to sit behind Him so i can continue to scratch His back as He tested me.

Daddy mixed up the notecards, and proceeded to quiz me. He would name a muscle, and i was to name either its attachment, insertion, action, or how to put it in a softened position to get it ready for a massage. The first few muscles, i got right. Daddy rewarded me by praising me, saying "Good job, baby girl!" When Daddy got to a muscle called "brachialis", i couldn't answer. Daddy then turned around, and slapped my left breast. In my head, i cussed out! Under my breath, i said "damn it!"

This went on for about 30 minutes; the first thirty minutes, most of what He quizzed me on, i got correct. After that, He started quizzing me on muscles i struggled with.

It wasn't fun.

After about an hour, Daddy brought out His toys. Not the good toys i like; the bad toys i REALLY hate. He brought out 2 different kinds of nipple clamps and a butt plug. I knew it was about to REALLY go down. So He asked about two different muscles, and i got them wrong. Daddy then turned around, and used the pair that was a bit flimsy. The pain, although really sharp, was bearable. After He realized I was really not remembering the arm muscles, He changed to the other set of nipple clamps. i HATE the other ones. They are the ones that feel tighter as you tug on the chain. After about 15 minutes, i wanted to kill someone.

Daddy threw one muscle after another, and for 4 questions, i was able to have Him remove 4 nipple clamps (the flimsier ones didn't get removed, they got moved to a different location). i was sooo happy! i could breathe! But like summer in Washington, that shit doesn't last forever. Daddy called out 4 muscles back to back, and i got them ALL wrong. so the nipple clamps were returned. Finally, Daddy called out a muscle that He had called out at least 2x before, and i STILL got it wrong. So Daddy bent me over, and inserted a buttplug. To most subs, buttplugs are AMAZING! However, my ass hasn't been trained recently to receive anything. The buttplug He used wasn't a very big one. Even then, it hurt. It didn't feel good. Daddy put it in, and demanded I hopped back onto my massage table. Not only that, He made me lean back, sitting directly on top of this god damn butt plug. After that, Daddy continued to give me a muscle, and either an attachment, an insertion, an action, or how to place it in a softened position.

Daddy proceeded to give me muscles i didn't know. This time, He placed a time limit on my answering Him. Not only that, He would tug at the chain of the nipple clamps if i didn't answer fast enough. My body couldn't take it. I started to cry. Now, whenever i got a punishment, i wasn't allowed to cry out. Daddy didn't want me to wake up the entire household. So i had no choice but to bite my lip. After a new muscles, I was crying hard, and my jaw muscles were aching. After an hour and a half, i wanted to quit. Daddy asked me in a quiet, but scary voice, "Do you want to quit?" i reluctantly said no, and the torture continued. At this point, all i could focus on was how painful these nipple clamps were.

Daddy was not happy. He took His snape tongue whip, and proceeded to whip my left breast, including the nipple that was in a nipple clamp. I was feeling mighty murderous at this point. I wanted to off my teacher! Even though it was my fault, my whole body was in pain. I wanted to blame my teacher because...well, i was in pain, and my brain really wasn't in a rational mood. After about twenty to thirty minutes, Daddy took off the nipple clamps, but the punishments didn't stop. For every wrong answer, and every minute that ticked by without my giving Him an answer, He would whip my left breast and left foot, which was cradled on His lap. After every lash, i cried harder and harder. At few points, He would use the hard part of the whip, and hit my toes. When He did that, i was surprised my lips didn't bleed, from my biting on them so hard. My jaw was hurting so badly, so were my foot, and breast, my nipple, and my asshole. And i got no hug! At this point, i couldn't answer anymore, because i couldn't remember anything. This went on for another half an hour. Finally, after a total of two hours, Daddy said it was enough. He couldn't whip me anymore, and i really wasn't retaining any information He was giving me. For a minute, i felt relief. Again, that did not last very long.

Daddy told me to bend over on my table, and stick my ass in the air. Daddy then pulled my pants down roughly, and proceeded to whip me. HARD. After a couple of whips, Daddy used the handle of the whip instead. I was in so much pain at this point. I cried even harder. I hid my face in His comforter, and cried as Daddy sent blow after blow on my ass. Daddy then said a few phrases, and told me to say it.

"I will study next time Daddy"

"I am sorry I wasted Daddy's time"

"I am a bad girl for wasting Daddy's time"

"I will come prepared next time"

Those were some phrases i vaguely remember Him telling me to repeat. All i could think about was being brought back to my Catholic school days, being punished for not being a good student. Each time Daddy hit me, He would say a phrase, walk closer to my head, make sure i said every word He phrased correctly, and walked back to spank me. If i didn't phrase it correctly, He would spank me harder, and make me say it again. Finally towards the end, Daddy made me count; "One, Daddy; Two, Daddy" and after each phrase, each spank would be harder than the one before. Finally after the tenth count, Daddy stopped and caressed my aching, sore butt. He also used His glass, which was once filled with ice water, on my ass, to soothe the pain. i continued to cry quietly on the comforter.

Finally, Daddy put His whip away, and walked towards the bed. He then sat down, spread His legs, and told me to come over to Him. Not knowing what to do, i asked Him how He wanted me to sit in front of Him. Daddy then pats the space in between His legs, and told me, "Baby girl, come to Daddy". i slowly, painfully moved myself from my massage table, and walked very gingerly towards Him. i climbed on the bed slowly, and i saw that His arms were outstretched, reaching for me. i collapsed, hugging Him tightly, laying on my stomach on between His legs. i continued to cry as i hid my face by His hips and His arm. i felt Daddy's other arm slowly caressing my bare back. i sobbed quietly, but tears stopped falling at this point. My body was exhausted, i was in pain, and i thoroughly regretted not studying before bugging Daddy to help me. He then told me that He didn't like punishing me, but He had to. Daddy is firm, but fair. i nodded my head, and quietly agreed. Daddy then continued the prerecorded show that He was watching as He held me in His arms, slowly caressing my back, waiting for me to calm down. After a few minutes, Daddy's tummy started hurting. So He laid down on the bed, and I gently massaged it. i laid my head on His hip, and slowly rubbed His tummy in a circular motion. Not long after, i fell asleep. Daddy woke me up, letting me know i had dozed off. i told Him that it had been so long since i felt that comfortable with any man for me to fall asleep. Even at home, i don't fall asleep that easily, nor that quickly.

Finally, it was time for me to start heading home. i put my massage table away, and gave Daddy a long hug. i gave Daddy several long hugs. Daddy then walked me to the door, and i gave Him one more long hug, and left. At one point, i think i thanked Him for helping me study, and drove home, with buttplug still inside me. Daddy told me i would only remove it if i felt confident enough in my memorization.

The next day, i studied some more, with said buttplug still inside me. After i finished studying, i sent Daddy a text message, letting Him know i had studied, and was confident. He then called me, and quizzed me. There was no hesitation in my reponses. Daddy then gave me the ok to remove said buttplug. RELIEF!!!! :) Then i went to school, and completed my tests. :D On one of them, i had 100%.

playing my piano, thinking of Daddy...i honestly feel REAALLLY spoiled...

oh, and i am going to post a story here soon...like....today. :)

not as worried as i was during the weekend...yesterday/last night was... :D

ahh i'm happy... :)

ahhh first journal entry since my last profile was up!!! woot!!! 

i miss doing this...jotting my mind on a page...miss it! :)