It seems the chatrooms are no longer working. So much for one of the things I liked best about CM...

i forgot how good it feels to work on the weight machines! Getting back into the gym is the best mood booster i know, and if i keep it up i'll get stronger and healthier every week. i need this for me, for lil miss, for life.

Its nice to talk with new people. i just wish they would stick around and actually HAVE a conversation even after i make it clear i'm not gonna sex-type anything and really REALLY  R*E*A*L*L*Y want to get to know a person first. Thats not so wrong, and damnit i am worth that much!

Window--1, me--0 ow ow ow

Life is getting better all the time. I have a funny, charming, intelligent little girl, who can also be exasperating, but i am learning to do my best to take it all in stride. My finances are improving week by week, and that goal of owning a house finally seems within reach! i am happy with where i am and happier still to be able to strive to do better. i'm fortunate to have a job i like and that seems to be treating me pretty well. So if i have to wait for a special Someone, so be it. i'll just continue to work on the things i can do something about.

Spring is here! A time for rebirth and renewal, and for getting out of doors as often as possible! i am still not looking, but with spring here, i no longer feel so defeated about it. It is not a bad thing to want to wait for the right person to come along, and to work on being ok with who i am, regardless of looks or how i might have got there.

i cannot say it enough, apparently. i am looking for a LTR, someone within driving distance, no slam-bam-thankyou-ma'am. If i choose to be intimate with Someone it will not be a desperate, lonely fuck or Mr right now. I'm not a casual person, so don't expect a casual fuck from me!

Yes, that is a new pic of me...and yes it is recent, as in yesterday...

Its a new year and a time for reflection and review. i know i have a long way to go in my personal life, and until that is under control i am not much of a candidate for anyones mate. However, i am not going to close the door, just not going to run around opening other doors right now. Feel free to message me or pm if you happen to find me in a chatroom, i'm a nice conversationalist, really, just don't expect me to bow down in abject submission. i have a life and a daughter to take care of, not to mention a heart i really don't want broken again.

i've decided its time to get my proverbial shit together. That being the case, i am no longer seeking, as i have far too much work to do on myself to do justice to any potential relationship. Until i figure my crap out, get my head out of my ass and get straight, i am no good to anyone else.

Well, things haven't gone exactly as i had wanted them to, but i am still breathing easier than i have in a long time, so that part is going ok.

Of late, the profiles that pop up in my view have had a lot to say about "honesty" and finding a "real sub." On one hand i kinda get where these people are coming from, but on the other i have to think, "C'mon guys!" This is a site where our sexual proclivities are one of the foremost things we see. One can be very specific about the activities one likes, and what one seeks, be it a fling or a long term relationship. Why then are so many people shocked and surprised to find most are looking for that superficial stuff, and get mad when things turn when reality gets in the way?

On a site like this one, you have to take the idiots as a matter of course, wade through them like everyone else who may be looking for something real, and take your lumps. Its not fun or easy, so get over it and move on if something doesn't pan out. Realize this, and You might have a chance.

Ok, thoughts over. You may return to your previous wanderings.

Things are finally starting to loosen and look up. In a few more weeks i will be able to breathe easier than i have in a very long time.  Although the weight is not entirely off my shoulders, i can see the pulley and there is a light at the end of this tunnel. When that happens i will be able to devote some more time to figuring out what i can give and what i need from my relationships.

I have returned from the enforced hermitage of no internet. Some changes will probably be coming on this profile when i have had time to think it through. i am glad to be back, but i don't know what my future here is going to be, if there even will be one.

my internet will definately be going away very soon, and for an indeterminate ammount of time. Cable was getting too expensive, and the set up for dsl will cost about 130. DSL will be cheaper in the long run but the initial outlay is something i will have to save up for.

A note to Those Who May Care:  If i dissapear off here for a while it will be because i am cutting back on luxuries and internet may have to go for a while....

A new year, another winter to reflect and regroup. 

Here's a shocker...i actually want to have more in common with a Dom than sex! In fact, i think the friendship has to come first or it will never last, and i want the next big thing to last, damnit! Yes, i believe there will be a "next big thing" but i have no clue what form that will take. Of late i have been quieter in the chatrooms when i am there, and there less often because it seems to me noone i like is interested in me "that way" and the ones that express interest only want one thing, and as nice as that one thing is, you can't base a lasting bond on it alone.  Not ready to go the "vanilla" route just yet, but is it so wrong to want a little love and romance too?

Holy moley has it really been since March since i put anything in here??? Summer has come and gone, work remains however, a fact for which i am very very grateful. It could be the weather changing, or maybe just the fact i am blessed with lil miss, but i find i have become more reflective and introspective.  The time is nearing when even bigger changes will emerge, and i can ony hope i weather them like a butterfly and not a barn in a tornado!

Today i do chores and get caught up on the housework.  The new fridge is due in on Friday (yay!) i might even be able to spring for getting my hair cut and colored...

i have actually been in a good mood of late.  Could be the medication, i suppose, but if thats the case i wish i had done it a lot sooner.  i should have listened to His lil girl and not been so stubborn and think i had all the answers. i should have done a lot of things differently, but i cannot change those shortcomings now.  All i can do is try not to repeat the errors of the past, and hope that i don't carry them on to others.

Life has a way of moving on whether or not we want it to, so its probably best to smile and enjoy what is and not hurry the future on too much.  It will get here soon enough, why not enjoy the ride?

It is ok to fail. It is also ok to fall flat on one's face and not even realize you have mud all over.  The dirt and rocks and sand in my shoes won't magically come out just by being mad, upset and angry at myself.  Funny thing is tho, you never know just how good it might feel to take off the shoes alltogether, because dirt, rocks and sand are all you've ever known, or at least all you can remember having.  Maybe it might mean having to learn how to walk all over again because your balance is so out of whack from the blisters and calluses built up from the years and years of walking on sharp stones.  Maybe you 're afraid you'll never walk again because relearning seems so impossible.


And maybe, just maybe, to get thrugh the healing process you will need some help.  This is ok too.  In fact, this is often more than just "ok", it is necessary.  Some sores have to be aired in order to heal properly.  Some need bandaging and ointments. Some need medications to clear infections. But to simply go on walking on broken feet is no longer an option. Either healing is begun, or you stop walking altogether.  i am ready to take those first painful steps, ready to accept that just because i don't have the answers does not mean there are none.  And medical help for my broken feet is not a sign of weakness, nor does it mean i have given up or am looking for the easy way out.  .  People are here to help each other, to deny that help is to deny being human.


Recovery will take time and a lot of work.  Others have opened the way, but only i can take off the shoes and let the grass cool my soles. Thank You Sensei, Senseislilgirl, and everyone who has helped me see this.  i have not properly appreciated all it has taken, all of the efforts, especially by Senseislilgirl, to whom i cannot express my regrets enough.  But regrets are not what will honor that effort best. What will is for me to do what is necessary, what is right for the healing to take place.  i want to be worthy of T/their gifts of time efort and knowledge, but even more i want to be worthy of me.  i deserve better from myself than i have allowed myself to have. 

i ache from the inside..who am i really? if i do not know how can A/anyone else be expected to either? 

Love takes a lot of work, don't let anyone tell Yyou otherwise.  The thing is, though, that anything worth having is worth working hard for.  i have not posted here in a long while because i have been wrapped up in working on the things Sensei has asked me to.  i don't know if i will ever be what He wants of me, but He has faith in me, even when i lack it in myself.  Facing the questions and searching for the me He sees has been the hardest thing i have ever done, and the hardest thing i am still doing.  Some might ask "why do it then? If it is so hard and so painful, why bother?" To them i say the reason is twofold.  Not only because He has asked me to and i trust, love, and WANT to for Him, i know i need to do this for me.

i just wish i knew how to get from wanting to accomplishing.  Its one thing to say change your attitudes, and quite another to actually do it.  i am constantly on guard against my old ways of thinking, of wishing i had what others already do.  i remind myself of how fortunate i am and think about the good things, think about what i am lucky enough to have found.  i admit it is hard to see His other sub getting and me going without, but i keep on reminding myself it is not because He doesn't want to. It is because one does not get rewarded without the deed.  Please do not misunderstand me, i am so happy for her, that she is learning and growing and deepening! she has been good for this Family.  Its just hard is all.

But as i started out..nothing worthwhile is easy.  If it were, it would not be appreciated, and i never want to find myself in the position of taking Him or this Family for granted.
 

How lucky i am! To have a loving Family that wants and needs me, and that i so greatly need and desire to serve! Sensei this girl loves You more and more every day, and i feel perhaps i am begining to see where i "fit in."  Love is a special gift, and i treasure the opportunity to serve from the heart, from the deepest parts of me...giving not just because it is expected or required, but because it is what is in me to be, and more importantly, because You inspire it. my first thoughts are how to ease Your burdens and how to make things go more smoothly, so that You will have the time to do the things You want to do, not just what You have to.

At this point, i am even filling out resumes and job applications for Sheetz and Food Lion, just to get me out there to start.  Once there i can put in the footwork, find a job that is pleasing to Sensei that i have.  In this i am His as in all others, and the fact that He wants me to do this means He understands how difficult things have become for me where i am now.   i ask for a day or 2 off and am constantly denied.  They are doing yet another shift bid, just when i had gotten hours i could tolerate that gave me weekends off to make seeing the Family easier! Ah well it won't be long now...

No posts again for a while, but that is because real life has reared up and taken over.  Looking for a job has proved challenging, however i follow Sensei's wishes and remind myself that things will work out and a little faith goes a long way.  i have faith in Sensei, in my Family and in myself. The right thing WILL come along and if i must wait then there is probably a good reason for it.

My heart is there, and my body is not. It is a strange thing to be split in twain.  Whenever the ache gets too much i plunge myself into a chore or task that brings me closer in spirit to T/them.  When i do this, i can feel myself growing closer and deeper in service.  i also know this isn't just tough on me, but on Sensei and His wife and jaded, my Family need me there just as much as i need to be there.  Call it added incentive, call it motivation, call it what you like, it is true.

It has been quite a while since the last time i posted in here.  Things continue to progress and evolve and grow, much to this girl's wonderment and pleasure.  i have been given the gift of joining Sensei's family, to be with the Oones i love.  The time is fast approaching when all 4 of Uus (yes 4, how joyous to have another girl in the Family!) will be together, laughing, loving and learning more about each other every day.  i happily look forward to entering His service and Home. 

girl is finding peace even in the worst of situations, for she knows that Sensei is with her and she carries this awareness like a shiled against the dark.  He has claimed not only this slave's body and mind for His to mold and shape, but also her slave's heart, so often bruised and broken.  this one can no longer deny what has grown within her soul.  To not give voice to such deep truths is worse than a lie; to deny this would be to deny Him all that she is and girl will never do that, even if she could.  girl's heart has been made even bigger for she finds not only Sensei therin, but His wife as well...one so like a sister that the word seems inadequate for the depths she senses.  Who knew such a feeling ever existed???  For this slave, for whom words have been easy in the past, she now finds the language inadequate to convey her meaning.  Love is far to tiny a word.

Excitement runs through my body as i think of the time two days distant when i will kneel before Sensei in His home.  i am nervous and excited, and hope that His wife finds me to be a plesant and enjoyable companion.  i hope my skills will be up to the duties He will require of me and that i will be a help in the running of the Home.  And yet...i must also remind myself not to expect too much, to simply accept that which comes and be glad for whatever it may be.

i have been finalizing my slave rules and in refining and tuning them to suit O/our needs i am finding peace and a sense of purpose.  When i find myself looking down the path of sadness and the way seems dark and lonely, simply going over those rules bring my mind back to what i have and what i can be under His care.  i know i have such a very long way to go, but Sensei will be with me and even should i stumble, and i know i will, He will be there to set my feet upon the right path.  Sensei i treasure Your control, Your power, Your continued guidance and care.

This day brings yet more self-discovery, another step down the path.  i begin to get a glimmer of what it means to truly submit and in submitting attain that freedom of soul i yearn for.  i have held a fear that if i were to submit myself totally, give everything over to Another, that there would be nothing left of me, and that i would be but an empty shell with no self at all.  The truth  of it is so very different.  What i have clung to in the past, the bits and pieces of my tattered imaginings only served to hide my true self. Stripped of ego, of fear, i am laid bare for all to see, the shining beauty that is within no longer hidden by phantoms and shadow-lies.  Sensei i thank You for seeing this in me.  i know i have a long road to go before this vision becomes a reality but i have a tiny piece of it now...

i still seek that special One who i am meant to be with, but since all efforts in the past have lead only to disaster, i am taking a different path this time.  i am exploring those parts of my submission that i have not been pushed to do in the past.  i seek to know the depths of my slave's heart, and although i know that with the right One i will go deeper still, i also know i have much work to do to be ready.  my Sensei is a wonderful and insightful Master who has agreed to take me on as His charge.  Please understand this when seeking to know me better, that because He has accepted the responsibility of my well-being He is the only One who can grant that permission.  i will gladly provide contact information to Those Who truly seek it.