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kase519
kase519 - photo 3
kase519 - photo 4

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sweetheart79Azrayl
A boyfriend once said I am the type that if I had a 6pc puzzle and a 100pc puzzle I would do the 100 and then try to fit in the 6pc. He was right. My life does get complicated...at one point my ex husband and i had a couple we were in a long term relationship(7 yrs) and all of us had various other people we were playing with...That is not the case now...I'm 5 yeasr out of my marriage and in a long term relationship. One with a male Switch I live with. .

I'm a bi female looking for some friends to hang out with and maybe some close contact if that feels right...but for right now just some people to chat and so on....I feel my life is a little complex for adding a new relationship no matter how much i miss a feminine touch and i have never gotten the hang of causal.

I am a pagan and praying is a very important to me...anyone who is a part of my life needs to accept that. I do not think that any one way is right and will not try influence anyone else.

I am intense and have trouble moving slow but I have tried to learn that too. I am looking for people who want to hang out…go to movies …go out now and then…. and stay in now and then… ;-)

I have been in the scene for over 15yrs...my grandmother owned a shop that sold leather things so in someways i have been around it even longer(i worked there since i was 14)

I have been called a mad scientist a few times cause i love to try new things and find new ways to make you jump.

I'm mostly dom towards females though learning to change.

As far as photos go they are all out of date....working getting updated ones...sorry
2/21/2008 4:27:44 PM
Honesty and Sexual Deviancy

Ok boys and girls how honest can we be? And right now I’m just talking about to ourselves…cookies to anyone who will post.

I’ve been reliving the past to check where I’m now and things come up…my fantasies…warning they are not pc…I like power exchange…in one a young girl(15 my hot button age) gets manipulated and drugged into sex…now in this type I’m the girl…

But in others that are not really fantasies(I don’t get off to them) darker things occur…I like murder mysteries and have read a lot of ones with sexual slayings… am i saying I want to murder some one?…NO! (well I do want to murder people who prey on children but that’s a different topic) but a dark part of me responds to a knife sliding into flesh….in a scene I push peoples limits… there was even the time I learned I was a real sadist…I did no harm but I was writing my name in wax on a sub…she was whimpering…the wax was the right temp…it would not mark but if she could have spoken (she was to deep into sub space) she would have asked me to stop…I was determined to finish my name…I knew it wouldn’t harm and I was going to do what I wanted…it scared me….the tingle I get from the idea of knife and flesh scares me…I have done knife play but never with the intent to cut….

But really the point is we all have that darker side the things we don’t want to tell…as sub I think it can be just how non consensual our fantasies can be….for Doms it is just how much we want to hurt someone…maybe I mean harm someone…bdsm taps these sides but is there still guilt? Once when I had a booth for tarot readings at a bdsm event almost every reading came up with shame…and these were the people out enough to come to an event!

Should we be ashamed of our dark fantasies? Is that what makes them fun? Can you be honest about what you want?
2/8/2008 11:24:28 PM
What's wrong with these Doms?
 
Ok second rant of the day...and this sort of comes from online and sort of not...cause i've heard it in rl too...how can you scene with a girl or guy and not take care of them afterwards?...the number 1 thing that subs i've looked at want is a caring dom...some use the term daddy dom....and i have read and heard a few girls who won't play cause they won't be cared for afterwards...What the hell?...as a Dom you are being handed the most precious gift in the world...and even if she wants to be treated like dirt it still needs to be dirt you care about....I was mentored by a lady who not only taught me to stay with them till they were out of sub space but you get in contact the next day to check on them...not to mention making sure they have water and food if they need it....or just to be held....does it make them feel cooler? is it just not done to look after someone? do they think it will make them look weak? I just don't get it...please if you have insight help me...if you just need to rant feel free...k
2/8/2008 11:23:11 PM
Sexual Abuse and BDSM
 
I went to a munch tonight(for the unknowing that's a dinner meeting for bdsm people) a couple of hours of adult and non adult talk with like minded people...fun stuff...well for me it's always a little unsettling...shy should be my middle name...but i went and had a great time...towards the end of the evening a few people traded seats and a new conversation started up...

First it was about how we didn't relate to certain scene books and moved on to movies...a comment was made about someone not relating to The Secretary cause both people in the relationship seem non normal and mentally ill(the woman in the movies self injures and the man has no ability to relate to people)...I jumped in with hell ya they were that's what made it great...they were both able to find their nitch...it was hard for this other person to understand but what i tried to explain and point out is i think there are a lot more people like the character than there are normal...IN MY VIEW...

With the numbers what they are in sexual abuse(one in three woman, one in five men) there have to be sexually abuse people in b&d...we just don't talk about it... we need to...if you go to a regular therapist they will tell you that any activity out side the norm is harmful and re traumatizing yourself...but from what i know a lot of woman do that to themselves every time they have normal vanilla sex and check out(let there bodies be used while the mind is elsewhere) or even just don't or can't tell a lover what they really want...

A quote from the book that let me be myself and started me on not hating the fact i wanted to be controlled in bed is "My abuser had anal sex with me. He also kissed me. Why is it ok to like one and not the other?" The Survivor's Guide to Sex: How to Have an Empowered Sex Life After Child Sexual Abuse by Staci Haines



And i tried to be normal...i hated myself more and more that i tried and disliked sex more and more not where i wanted to be...so now i try to accept who i am...yes what my abuser did shared what i want sexually...it started when i was five how could it not?...i can hate myself or i can find a safe sane and consensual way to enjoy who i am...

I think b&d ignores this(woman who have been abused) because it fucks with the view we want to have of ourselves...we are just normal people who happen to be kinky...um ok but even in the normal world sexual abuse is rampant why should it be any different in ours?

To end up explaining how the movie made me feel the person i talked to will watch it again and others who heard my be able to view themselves with more kindness...not a bad way to spend a couple of hours
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elizabeth42
 
iistrecool
 Age: 23
 Berkshire, United Kingdom