Azrayl


	Azrayel Female Switch, 26, Milton Keynes

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	About Azrayl I've dabbled in BDSM for about 4 years now. On and off due to time restraints, living conditions, economic bullshit and what have you. Life changes constantly, you either change with it or get trampled by it. I keep coming back to BDSM, because there's a part of me not being fulfilled by the everyday vanilla lifestyle I lead. It's downright boring sometimes, to be honest, but as a kinkster, I guess you know that already. It's been a little over a year since I was last involved in anything in the community. Life happens, much like shit. So, I'm mainly looking to reconnect and get back into the swing of things. I am a plus size woman, blond hair, green eyes, 42d/dd. I am really as tall as I say I am. I don't feel like posting a face picture, for personal reasons, but I will send one if asked. I'm not stingy about it, just need a little privacy. I don't do cyber, cam or phone sex. I'm not looking for an online relationship. Starting it out that way is fine, with chatting to get to know each other, but at some point I'm going to expect to meet you.

It's good to be back and already there are people welcoming me back into the fold, so to speak. That's really cool.

I'm not exactly sure what it is that I'm willing to get into at this point. I really like to get to know people, chat with them, and hang out... then get to know the bdsm side. I guess, I'm old fashioned in a way. I just like to know who it is I'm playing/participating with.

And I cannot find a single naughty picture of myself... Phooey.

I'm finally back. It's been a while.

I'll be adding pics and updating here soon. Promise.

Sick, sick, sick, sick, sick... yes, I have been and still am sick.

Sorry for not responding as well. My internet is lacking these days.

Good news, I'm not dead yet.? If all else fails, I'll set up and ad for necrophiliacs.

*sigh*

(Yes, that last sentence was a joke.)

I guess people can't read...

I have a mentor. I'm not collared, I'm not taken, I'm not "off the market". I found someone to help me figure things out.

I'm not sure why people get their panties in a bunch over wording and "titles" they give themselves or others.

It's ok. Take it easy. Don't freak out.

On another note... my internet is back up, but my wireless is giving me hell. I have 3 broken teeth and can't seem to find a damn dentist whiling to just freaking pull them and not ass rape me financially. When did it start costing $197 to pull a tooth???? lol?

Guess I must resort to the "dental clinics" in the downtown area. Freaks me out a bit, but hell, I'm close to using rum and pliers at this point.

This is also another reason I haven't been online a lot lately.

*sigh*

I just had some random asshole contact me telling me to "get off this site".?

I assume it's in regards to my post about the unhygienic people that have been viewing my profile.

And I'm guessing he'll read this... so I shall say this...

Guess what, you ass, it's my profile and my journal, so I can express my views and opinions. The fact that *you* contacted me (no pic, no profile) to just say something stupid, tells me you are a fake, and probably one of those nasty people I was referring to. I have blocked you and such, so I won't have to worry about you harassing me again.

****
What a lovely thing the "block user" button is. Meant to keep people like that from harassing people actually trying to find a real life relationship.

Sad that they abound on here though... ah well. C'est la Vie.

By the way guys... a few tips for you when creating a username... using the word cum, cummer, cummaster, cums-a-lot, etc., only makes you look like a fool.

If you are not man enough to put a piece of your name or something that identifies you on here, then don't bother being on here. If you have to "hide it" then it's not for you.

(Yes, my name IS Azrayl.)

If you couldn't guess, I have my internet up and running again. New modem, new router, problem solved.

Toodles.

My internet is down... I am trying to get it fixed.

I'm writing this in the dark... forgive the typos.

I don't know if I like of hate the "Who's Viewing Me" thing... I don't like the fact that a lot of dirty looking people seem to be checking me out. When I say dirty, I mean they need to shower, brush their teeth, hair, wear clean clothes etc.? It's got nothing to do with age. I don't care what your age is, if you don't take care of yourself, there is no way you even stand a chance with anyone that isn't as unclean as you.

Sorry

Holy hell!? Tonight at work was NUTS!!! 2 sold out shows! Wow... so many people. I'm going to have nightmares about beer bottles chasing me.? *giggles*

Then after, I attend a play party. Even though I was freaking late as hell, it was awesome.? Very awesome.? Very intimate and great to meet new people. :)

I needs sleep now though.

Wait a minute...

I put that I have found a mentor and I get emails from random guys saying, "you don't want me anymore?" or "If you were taken, you should have just said so."?

What???? I talk with a *lot* of people, about the lifestyle and such, but I really have NO idea what the hell these guys are talking about. Like they have some sort of hold on me or something???

That would be news to me.

The ones that live out of state or at the opposite end of the state, those are the ones that get me... I thought posting on my profile that I am not able to relocate, in bright bold red, would have been clue enough.

That and the fact that I have not negotiated any terms or anything with anyone, boggles my mind.

And what is it about the word "mentor" that people don't get?

Dictionary???
mentor |'men?t?-t?r|
noun
an experienced and trusted adviser

Yep, that's what I thought it was, not sure what it is that others think it is. *shrug*

Either way... I just don't get the whole thing where people think they own me, and I don't even know who the hell they are.

It's bad enough I'm getting all "Single White Female" from someone that I thought was a friend and ended up being more on the psychotic side, but now this.

*sigh*

Wonderful.

So very, very tired. As much sleep as I'm getting, I'm still tired. Like I'm not getting a restful sleep.

This makes me cranky. Just thought I would warn.

Going to try to sleep again.

When do you change your profile to let others know you are "off the market"?? Is there some sort of sign where you're like... Ding, I'm taken.? Woohoo!

I dunno. I'm always in limbo... not that I hate it there... nah, I get to observe quite a lot from limbo, but in observing, I do tend to ache for what I see.

I don't know if it should be my burden to figure that out either... I mean... hell I don't know. I don't know if it even matters. The only thing that I care about is not hurting others.

If I am taken, please let me know. I'm not a mind reader and being new to this, I really don't have that much of a sense of whether or not I am or aren't or were or should be or could have been... Argh.

It's just the same as dating... which I wasn't very good at in any respects. I could never tell what the other wanted out of things... so things never really went anywhere or worked out well.

Either way... I just don't want to hurt anyone else. I never want that. I do have a heart and although I may rant like a psychotic bitch from time to time, I'm just a lovable sofy squishy pillow of a woman who wants to find someone else. I know that's a lot to ask in this generation, but I have to try.

No hope, means you're dead.

Azzy

God Damnit!

*Rant ahoy*

i keep getting these guys contacting me on this profile... and they are like... i want to explore the lifestyle... i want this, i want that... yada yada yada. So, being nice, I talk to them. I want to see what sort of person they are, and I always like a new friend in the lifestlye. There's nothing wrong with connecting with people. But then it always comes down to... I don't want strings, I don't want a girlfriend, i don't want love, i don't want any attachments to you, I just wanna fuck ya... blah blah
and i'm like... so you just want a fuck buddy?
and they say... oh no! i want a sub and to that i say... guess what ASSHOLE a sub isn't just a goddman blow up doll you can fuck and then deflate and store in your closet.

then they act like *I* am being a bitch for calling *them* on being just another fucktard looking for easy sex.

that's when i go into... just because i am a sub, doesn't mean i am weak, gullible or stupid. it doesn't mean i let anyone use me it also doesn't mean i let stupid manipulative assholes on this site get away with the shit they do.

So when I report your stupid-mother-fuck-tarded-ass, don't blame me. You are the fake.

Why do so many stupid people think that they can get away with this shit on the internet? They forget all tact and any intelligence that they may have had to begin with when they log on.

I swear.

*I'm going to just sit on my soap box for a few more minutes...*

I like being a good girl. No matter what, I like being a good girl. I like to please. I like to be told I'm doing a good job. Even when I'm upset and not in the right state of mind, I like to try to cut through the other crap that's going on in my life and be good for the one I serve. If I serve, when I serve.

It's strange for me to feel so much at once, yet be able to set it aside and pull through what is going on at the moment. I think it's actually pretty damn cool. I'm such an emotional person in private and so poker faced any other time... It's relieving and a release to be able to get a sort of therapy.

I guess that's a strange thing to call this part of my life, but in many ways, it is therapy in a way and I love every minute of it.

Lol.? Just hope no one starts charging me for it.? :P

??? I really do this a lot. Too bad, I never really finish a thought though. I was thinking about my day... how that I got up, got off, showered and went about my day. I see a pattern that I crave touch, but I don?t really crave orgasm a lot. I like it, but if I orgasm once a week I?m content in that regard and I can do other things in the lifestyle without worrying about whether or not I?m going to get off or not. I can enjoy what I want, what I?m doing and how I?m serving, because I don?t have the constant need for orgasm.
?? ?I really think that works out well though. I like the feeling of sex, I like the feeling of giving oral and I don?t have to worry about needing the finish of an orgasm every single time. It feels a bit liberating, knowing that. Sure, there are women out there that think they have to get off each and every time, which is cool for them, but honestly, my drive for orgasm, is not that great. I like the feeling. I like the touch, the closeness. I like the feeling of my skin on skin. It?s a great feeling.
?? ?I like to be caressed and petted like a good girl. I like the contact and the feeling of flogging. I like the touch and the connect, the impact of spanking and paddling. I like being held. I like being spooned, cuddled, caressed... I like kneeling at a Dom?s side, resting my head on his leg and awaiting his next command. I like being led on a leash, while I?m on all fours. I enjoy the feeling of being in restraints that are attached to tethers... pulling my arms up and away from my body.. leaving me open and exposed. Exposed, so I can be flogged and used in ways of choosing.

?? ?I?m not sure if that makes me want orgasm every time. I dunno. It does at times, others it doesn?t. Either way, I know I like to please. I always have. What else is there? I?ve sought the approval of those I respect since I can remember. This is no different.

(Take note, I say of those I respect. If some random joe schmo contacts me and acts like I?m already their sub or talks down to me, they have already lost a battle they were never meant to enter into. I am not just sub to anyone. That?s not how I work. I give my submission... no one just takes it. Sorry to all the ego mongers out there that insist I bow down to them from 1000 miles away. Keep living in your daydreams.)

I digress.

Then again, I haven?t kept to what I originally meant to say. lol? I will say that I am in need of more than a quick fuck. I am not looking for that. I don?t want that. I want a slow progression to something more than just a fuck buddy. I don?t see why that is so difficult or why people can?t seem to grasp the concept. That, within itself baffles me.
?? ?It is possible to find someone you can spend your time with in this lifestyle, like people in vanilla find all the time. It is one in the same. We just like things done a little differently, but the basic concepts are the same.

*slumps forward and stumbles off the soap box*
It?s been a long day and I?m ready to sleep. G?night.
?? ?

I am back home, but I may not be around much. I just got my apartment, so it may be a while until I'm online long enough to respond to my message. Fret not, I will get back to you.? Just might take me a while.

Az

I looking in the mirror this morning... And I made myself just look, really look at my face and I noticed that I have beautiful green eyes. Green eyes that no one will every see. No one will ever know that, no one will ever see them.

I am an Auntie to an 8lbs8oz beautiful little niece!!! :)

She's gorgeous!

Wow... just wow. :)

My sister went into labor at 5am...

I'll be out of town for the next week or so.

That means I won't be answering messages and if I do, they'll be late or short in reply.

Azrayl

You know...
I almost can?t blame most people for being the little sex crazed/starved monsters they are. (I said, almost.) Reason? Well... let?s take a look.

What is the point of the human life cycle? Mature, mate, reproduce, rinse and repeat... right? Right.

So... when there is a point in ones life, after maturing and there is no mate, what next? You seek and some forget that mating involves staying with the other person, not just ?hooking up?.

Back to the point... I can see how people end up just being like, ?let?s screw? therefore having avoided the whole rigamarole of the process.

Does that mean it?s ok? No. I find that annoying. I like a booty call as much as the next person, when the time calls for it, but for goodness sake people, TRY to connect with others around you, k??? Do yourself AND the rest of us a favor and try to make real, lasting relationships with those around you.

I?m not asking for much... just basics here.

It's no different in the lifestyle, than it is in a vanilla relationship.

Thank you.

*canon balls off the soap box*

Sunday... it's the day for relaxing and so I did.

Weird show on the telly before I do to sleep and it could just give me nightmares. lol

I'm still on a bit of a high from Friday... so I don't really mind. lol

What's strange, is that I have issues with persperation, because of medicine I take... but after I am flogged, I don't. I end up being cold and I don't mind a bit. I find it a nice, refreshing change. I really do like it.? Honestly, if I had the choice, I would have it done to me all the time, just so that I can feel normal again. It would be wonderful to not sweat all the time.

I wonder if I could work that out... lol

Ah well, we'll see. :)

Until next time I get some sort of rant or exciting thing to say.

Az

Last night... into this morning. :)? Wow. Just wow.

A lady never tells though. :)

I should sleep, since I haven't slept yet.

Hehehe

After dinner with friends from the "lifestyle", I realized that even though I've been active in the lifestyle for nearly 2 years, I'm still fresh and new. I have so much to learn about it and myself. I'm still figuring out, just what and who I am in the whole scheme of things. I know there are Doms that want that and those that don't.

I talk with and interact with those of my own age and realize just how different my life cycle is from theirs as well. It's just so damn weird for me. I need to stop comparing and just live, for one thing. It's hard enough to figure things out, but being a few years behind everyone else, that makes things a tad bit more difficult.

Another thing... I am emotional. I know it, I write it. However, I didn't know I wear it on my sleeve, right out there for everyone to see. I may think I hide it, but I don't. I never knew that I showed it. I always thought I had a great poker face. That's a big old no.

I also have an issue with connecting with people. Friends are just friends, nothing more. I have trouble with being too eager to please right off the bat. I'm not saying I should make anyone work for it, no, but I need to protect myself from others that are just out to use and abuse.

Hell, I'm not even sure I've learned much at all, when it comes right down to it. I just don't know. I'm never tested, never training... I'm just sort of out there in limbo. It's cool and all, but gets confusing from time to time. But then again, so does my state of mind.

I see my bedroom as a reflection of my inner most self, and right now, it's chaos. Clothes everywhere. Nothing in it's place. I think I need some help in that area. Not cleaning my room, but cleaning my head. Once I have that in line, I think other things will follow. I'll have a better defined path and understanding of just what it is that I need and want from the lifestyle.

*ramble over*

I think it's time for me to stop seeking. Stop seeking someone to be with, becuase in all honesty, I don't think he exists. I really don't.?
It is disheartening and saddening, but it's not the end of things for me. My sister is having a baby, I'm moving into an apartment with my friend (hopefully) and I'm getting the hell out of this place. I'll be closer to school and everything else.

It's been tough enough for me to find someone else, in any lifestyle... and now that I know what I need, what I want, what I desire, it's even harder to find someone that is even close to the same interests.

There is a couple that I talk to at the local munches... they are both beautiful... I see them and I want to be with them... but I know I'm not like that. I'm not in the same class as they are... I'm below them.

It's painful to see them together. I wish I could have that, but I know it won't happen.

I'm not whiing. I'm not complaining. I am just telling what I feel. I lament, becuase I yearn for it so much. So very, very much.

Either way, I'm exhausted and want to sleep. When I sleep, anything is possible. There are dreams that are so very good, I don't want to wake from them.

So very, very tired.

I really wish married men would leave me alone. They have no friggin' idea what it is that they're asking. They really don't. I honestly think, they think that because this lifestlye is what it is, that I have no morals.

WRONG. I have morals and I stick to them. I do believe in the sanctity of marriage. Even though I probably won't ever get married again, I still believe that when you marry someone you are committed to monogamy with them. I don't care if she hasn't give you head in 2 years. Do NOT ask me. I am not a whore or prostitute.

I also don't get why men are so damn confident to pick someone off the internet to proposition them, but they can't freaking TALK to their own god damn WIFE about sex.

An "encounter" may be fun and exciting for them, but you know what, they should be more worried about communicating the the woman they are MARRIED to, than on finding sex elsewhere.

Have they ever thought to ask her what she wants or needs, sex wise? Hell, she might be some kinky freak and he never knew.

So here's the point... married men, instead of coming here to get laid, talk to you freaking WIFE FIRST.

*hops down from soap box*

I had to update my profile, because people don't seem to be able to read the regular one. So adding some bold and caps... I'm hoping that helps.

I wonder if people actually read... I really do.

How hard is it to attach a face pic?

If you don't want me to see you, then don't contact me. I don't see the point of being invisible.

*sigh*

I was thinking I couldn't input into this journal, because of my browser, but alas, I can.

It's been a crazy week so far. A lot has happened, but nothing has happened at all. It's strange. It may be a week or more before I really know what is going on.

Either way, I'm left with my head spinning. One minute someone from here contacts me, the next, he ignores me completely... I write on my profile and all of the sudden, things change. I just don't know what's going on sometimes. Oblivious? Maybe...

I don't know. I do know that I am going to take things slow. Slow, sloooow, sloooooooow.

No rushing. No jumping into things.

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azraeldream Male Dominant, 37, Everett, Washington	azriel1 Female Dominant, 33	AzraelContinuu Male Dominant, 26, Chicago, Illinois	azrial Female Switch, 30, perth
AzReady2Serve Male Submissive, 42, New River, Arizona	AzraelUK Male Dominant, 23, Southampton	Azrial999 Male Submissive, 25, Roanoke, Virginia	azrael317 Male Switch, 21, kissimmee, Florida

Azrayl

About Azrayl