Kaleera

Every morning I wake up and my first thought is of my Master. As I acclimate to the world I pause and listen to His breathing, feel His warmth, feel Him burn inside my heart. I slip out of bed as quietly as I can, moving an inch at a time so the movement of the sheets do not disturb Him. I creep through the dark and gently open and close the door, trying to make no sound.

I put on coffee, lay out Master's vitamins and superfoods, write Him a love note,  sometimes lay out His breakfast or make His lunch and feed His cats. I plan His dinner. If it is a work day, I groom and dress and head out to serve Him by working for the day. I listen to His voice recorded on my phone listing His rules, or to music I find uplifting and inspiring that He has recorded subliminal messages into on my trip to work.

During work I text Him, think of Him, count the minutes until I can go to Him. I sing a prayer to Him in my head that I have created for Him. I try to have my breakfast at the same time as Him. When work is over I make my way home to be with Him.

if its not a work day I await His text that He is awake and commands His slave to come and serve Him. And I slip back into His bed to worship Him, and do so with such delight. The day may unfold in many ways, sexual use, beatings, pain, errands, socializing, working together, housework, learning something He wishes to teach me,  meals prepared and shared, coffee breaks. I may get to shower Him or have a bubble bath with Him or read to Him or nap with Him. We may go out or stay home and enjoy a movie together. All entwined with the most intimate conversations.

This is the reality of every day life, the little details that make up most of my existence. The majority of life.

And inevitably, I fuck it up. I will view something as so upsetting or painful that my emotional reaction and resulting communication will be inappropriate or disrespectful or I will go to far into my reaction, and I will displease my Owner and not speak at all as is becoming of His slave.

Unfortunately, when I am that upset, His command to stop isn't even heard most of the time and so disobedience adds to the list.  I don't know exactly why I do this. I always think this one thing, or this one moment is too painful to bear or everything He says is true except for in this one situation, He doesn't understand what I am saying, I better explain further. Explaining further doesn't make me any less frenzied or emotional nor does it enlighten anyone. Yet it always appears to be the only solution.  At which point I imagine He simply does not care.

When I am in the usual flow of life, I don't find it acceptable how I act or speak to my Master when I get that upset. To help me remember this Master has certain behaviors He gives me a mark for on the punishment board. This does help me reflect, and often move on.

But sometimes, even after He punishes me, forgives me, comforts me, teaches me and lets it go...I am stuck in the oh my god i did it again, i fucked up, i am a terrible slave, i don't even deserve to be His slave mindset. For far too long. 
Somehow the fucking up wipes out the hundreds of focused loving moments of service I have had since the last fuck up. Somehow the couple of hours of being in the wrong mindset is so much bigger and more important then the countless hours in the right mindset, and even better, it completely eradicates it.

How do I stop this? This is some pretty harsh judgement I face from myself. 
Do other slaves "fuck up" so to speak? Is there a faster way to get back on track when you know you have disappointed Your Master?

I spent time preparing for Him, bathing and grooming and focusing on the love and devotion and worship inside my heart for Him and where I desire it to lead me on this path.I thought about where I know Master desires me to go and how saying what I did was definitely the opposite direction of what I know He desires. The reflection before punishment makes a tremendous difference for me.

After discussing with me why I was being punished, Master used His hard, solid wood hairbrush on me. I had to count each one and beg for the next, and damn, they were hard. Deservedly so. Later, after the punishment was finished, the tears done, Master pointed out to me that I am making progress, that the rebellion does not last as long. That I change my attitude faster.

Such a cleansing, a refocusing with a glimpse of progress at the end of it. I celebrate that. What a beautiful, brilliant, effective Master I serve.

When I am greatly upset Master tells me to "embrace my leash."
I was able to do this to the fullest extent on our recent vacation. Master took me to a large week long medieval camping event. I got to wear beautiful flowing dresses, cloaks, corsets, but most beautiful of all...i was attached to a chain the entire week. An elegant, long silver chain attached to my collar. 
Master would either hold it, attach it to His belt, chain me to the outside pole of the kitchen tent when i was preparing food..He even held it as He slept. A few times when He left the area He had me in, He would give it to a friend to hold. 
It was a beautiful thing to be chained and kept fully in slavery to Him amidst hundreds of people, never having to hide it, being able to hear my Master call out "slave" in front of anyone. I wish so deeply all of life was like that, i adored it with all my being.
And it will serve as a reminder, to "embrace my leash" as my Owner desires, when emotions overwhelm me.
I love You Master, eternally. 

This past week was Master's birthday and it was a lovely day.
To start the day, Master laid out a crazy amount of implements all down 2 sides of His enormous bed, made me stand against the wall with my hands over my head, and beat me with them all, working His way down the line. He ended with 50 strokes from his belt and then forced me to squirt for Him and used me for His pleasure, while my flesh burned and stung under Him.

Later i took Him out to buy Him His birthday present, a remote controlled airplane.
i was unsure of choosing that for Him, but when we walked in the store and i showed Him the plane, the pure happiness and pleasure on his face definitely erased all doubt. It was delicious :) His excitement reminded me of the purity of a little boy, and wow, i truly felt my heart melt.

Then i got His daughter to take Him out so i could scurry and get the food and house ready for the surprise party i threw Him. The party turned out perfectly and Master had such a great time.

The 3 things i loved most about this day:
1. being able to go over the top and over whats available on a daily basis to please my Owner
2. Seeing His pleasure and happiness shining in His eyes, hearing it in His laughter, feeling it in His touch
3. that He gave me a beautiful and painful beating to celebrate his day.