so, i’m writing this particular journal for 3 reasons.  first, i like blogging like this because i read back and remind myself of what i’ve learned.  also because i sometimes need to assess something i’m doing based on the fact i’ve already done it ~~ i hate repeating myself, yannow?

and third, because i’m taking a little walk away from CM for a bit.  why is talked about below.  but for those who know me and will wonder where i am, no worries!  just taking a needed life break.  if you send me an email here, i get a notice in my regular email so i’ll come back read it 

another weekend has passed and i yet again have learned about myself.  it really is quite a journey to love a dominant and learn what in the hell you’re doing, eh?   i had a serious discussion with Dauntless this weekend, about whether or not we can stay together; what i am hoping to have and require in my life, and things of that nature, specifically as they pertain to our D/s relationship.  our love is strong so that’s not a problem.  as to our kinks, we’re more than fine.  and the simple day-to-day things are working out very nicely.

but, as to the dominance and submission of our relationship, there i was again wondering if this relationship will work for me.  and i blew Him out of the water speaking of this ….. again.  terrified He would just tell me “look, maybe this isn’t gonna work and you need to go,” i nevertheless told Him what i was thinking and feeling and asked the questions i needed to ask.  that has got to be the hardest stuff to do ever.  so afraid it will end if you talk about your feelings/fears/needs/wants, but knowing if you don’t nothing will get better and eventually you’ll resent Him.

so, to the bottom line.  i have learned something new about myself.  i have one former Master and several former dominants.  and i read a lot on the boards here.  this is what i/we have figured out i do  ~~ i take what i learned from previous dominants, mix in what i read others have or do on collarme, add what i’ve read on various web sites, shake it up in my head, and end up thinking i need more than what Dauntless and i have right now, and i need to go out and find the one that’ll give me all those things.  it is, yet again, “the grass is greener” thing.  just done in a new and different way.

i focus a lot on the boards here …… i enjoy the folks!  so many are smart and successful in their D/s life or M/s life, and i want success.  some are soooo perverse and kinky.  and i love kinky  *winks*  …… sometimes i simply miss the intense M/s i had with my former Master.  but none of that is me today.  being with and loving Dauntless …. that is me today.

so i am taking a break from reading the boards, and i’m focusing on my relationship with Daunt.  i need to have my head wrapped well around that, and not around what i used to have, what others have, what fantasies are possible, whatever.

so, I wish anyone reading this journal the best thanksgiving ever!  and if i’m not back by Christmas, may those holidays too be oh-so-very special. 

Labels – how in the world did I get involved with worrying about them yet again?  I truly thought I was past that.  These lessons are so hard sometimes ~~

I have been on this site for about 3 years give or take, under a couple names.  And I’ve learned a lot and f*cked up and did good and whatever.  But there are several things that have been consistent.  First, I know I’m at least a sub if not a slave.  Second, I love the Gorean board and most of the folks I know that are Gorean, either on the Board or off line.  (oh come on, ya can’t love everyone!)  Third, I wanted a Man who was Dominant.

But I also wanted to be around Goreans.  Being more submissive than not, I thought my happiness would be in being a slave.  So I waited and searched for a Master to Master me and there I would be, a Gorean’s slave.  I wanted it so much so that I almost blinded myself to Dauntless and the happiness I find in Him.

But I am with Daunt and I’m just f*ckin happier than a girl has a right to be.  But now, how as I to fit into that lifestyle?  Daunt isn’t Gorean.  He doesn’t want a slave and so does not Master me to be His slave.  He wants me ~ His submissive woman.  So I decided that perhaps I could “label” myself a Gorean Free Woman.

Ugh, hard lesson.  I was so wrong.

Three Free Women on the Board shared some good advice which I have taken to heart:

“I will suggest this, if you feel you are trying to make yourself FIT into what you perceive as a Gorean Free Woman, perhaps you aren't one.  I don't know.  What I do know, you CANNOT...no one can in fact make a square peg fit into a round hole.   Won't happen.”

“Just be sure this is not just a I want to be Gorean can’t be a slave so will grasp at straws sort of thing, being Gorean isn’t just about reading the books it is about the type of personality and person you are.”

“…To try to contain your identity in a label is so limiting! And of all labels...Free!  As Tim often says on these forums, it is about being true to who you are - so be you!

i have seen you searching so hard over the months to "fit in"...  Living and Loving passionately is so much more important than seeking "membership" in a group~

… You have someone in your life that loves you...perhaps focusing on what the two of you can create would be more beautiful than deciding whether you are a Gorean Free or slave.”

Right on J.  Thank you.

about 2 years ago or so, i met a Dom on alt.  He was sooooo cute, a doctor, was wonderfully sadistic and had been in the lifestyle for a number of years.  He was looking for a slave.  and i reallllllllly liked Him.  but i had not yet learned to not push good Men away because of my own insecurites.  so, i told a lie.  and He KNEW it was a lie, giving me ample opportunities during our discussion to admit it.  but i didn't; at that point in my life, i couldn't.  and He left me for that lie.

i apologized from the heart for that.  i also wrote a public apology for all to see, so the Man would understand how sorry i was and that i had accepted responsibility for my actions and punished myself in a way by letting others know of my actions.  He eventually forgave, but never forgot -- and He was unable to trust me again.

i learned a great lesson from that time.  i now do not lie.  at least, i try so very very very hard not to.  i can't say i never do, but i damn well try harder not to lie then almost any other thing in my life.

below is a "thing" a friend of mine sent me that she found on the net.  it's really cute.  but it also shows how easy it is to lie, and to keep doing it, and how it snowballs.  so, i wanted to share it here.  fair warning *grinz* it's long ~~

July 2, 2008
Dear Diary.  I met him today!  You know, the guy I “talked to” on the internet, the one on the spanking site that I joined.  We met at Salsa Casa, had a few drinks, and just told each other about stuff in our lives.  He’s really cute!  I had seen a picture of him, but he’d never seen one of me, so I hope he liked me too.  I hope he calls!

July 3, 2008
Dear Diary.  He called!  We talked for over an hour, and when we were getting ready to say goodbye, he asked if he could see me again!  I am soooooo excited!  We’re supposed to go and see the latest Will Farrell movie and go out for drinks and dinner afterwards.  I haven’t told him my real name yet. …. It’s early, and I still don’t’ know if he’s someone I should be with.  I mean, after all, I did meet him on the internet!  And on a SPANKING SITE!  Do I really want to do this?

July 5, 2008
Dear Diary.  Tonight we had the most fun that I’ve had in I don’t know when!  The movie was sorta stupid but cute, and he took me to a cool restaurant afterwards for margaritas and seafood, right up my alley!  We talked and talked, but it’s funny that the spanking thing still hasn’t come up!  I’m going to wait for him to broach the subject.  I wouldn’t know what to say!  I’ve never been spanked before – ever!  I don’t even know why the idea turns me on.  At least the fun spankings sound sexy, the ones that probably don’t hurt THAT much!  I get so hot just thinking about it.  Being over his knee!  Mmmmmmmm . . . .

July 6, 2008
Dear Diary.  I forgot to tell you that his name is Sam!  He’s about 6’2”, with sandy brown hair and pretty brown eyes!  He’s muscular, but he doesn’t seem to spend much time in a gym, if any.  He stopped over today unexpectedly, and I was so happy to see him!  We went for a Sunday drive and ended up in a neighborhood park.  We spread out a blanket and just hugged and watched the clouds go by.  He’s been such a gentleman.  He hasn’t even tried to kiss me yet.  Sorta wish he would ……

July 12, 2008
Dear Diary.  Have you even been forgetful about sending a card or bouquet of flowers to someone when their relative died, and then as time goes on you’re too embarrassed to do or say anything because you let so much time pass?  It’s the same thing with me.  I still haven’t told Sam my real name!  I always use a fake name when I’m on the internet, so he keeps calling me “Darla” because I still haven’t told the truth!  I hope he doesn’t think too badly of me when I finally do tell him!  Just gotta work out the courage and it’s getting harder and harder every day.

July 19, 2008
Dear Diary.  Well the spanking thing finally came up!  He took me fishing!  I love to fish, and he has a boat.  So we were out in the middle of the lake and he finally asked me if I’d ever dated someone who is a spanker.  It seemed to come out of nowhere, and I was shocked!  I know I shouldn’t have been, but I was!  I was baiting a hook when he asked me, and I  not only knocked my purse over but I stuck my finger and blood went everywhere.  He moved as quickly as you can in a boat and found a first aid kit and bandaged me up.  Then he helped me to get all my stuff back inside my purse.  At that point he was sitting right beside me, and he repeated the question.  I looked up at him and said, “No sir.”  Where the hell did the “sir” come from?  It just seemed right under the circumstances, I guess!  Anyway, I caught five fish, and we didn’t talk about spanking any more.  Good thing!  I might have cut my whole hand off with the filet knife the next time it came up!

July 20, 2008
Dear Diary.  Sam and I never seem to run out of things to talk about!  I finally worked up the courage to bring up spanking because the curiosity was driving me crazy.  We were sitting in “our booth” at Salsa Casa, and I asked him if he really spanks women.  He nodded and asked me if I needed for him to spank me.  I felt my face get really hot!  I just hate it when I blush!  I said I don’t know if I need it, but that it sounds sexy and I might give it a try.  I asked him if it would hurt, and he went into a big explanation of the different types of spankings.  He added that he would spank me hard enough to teach me a lesson if I ever lied to him.  He said that was Number One on his list.  Of course, I immediately remembered that I hadn’t told him my real name, and I not only blushed but broke out into a sweat!  I excused myself to go to the restroom to give myself time to calm down  I couldn’t look directly at him the rest of the night.

July 24, 2008
Dear Diary.  Sam came over tonight just to watch TV.  It’s been three weeks since we started seeing one another, and I still haven’t told him my real name!  It’s so damned embarrassing that I haven’t told him yet, and now, on top of everything else, I’m afraid he’ll spank me for lying!!!  But if I don’t tell him, and he finds out on his own, he won’t trust me anymore.  it’s a lose/lose situation!  He knows that something is up too.  He kept asking me if something is wrong!  What should I do???

July 26, 2008
Dear Diary.  I can't stop perspiring, especially when I'm around Sam!  He asked me to stay with him last night.  We made love for the first time, but he hasn't spanked me yet.  I don't know why.  Sometimes I wonder if he's bashful. I lay wide awake all night long, thinking about how I'm deceiving him.  I had these huge bags under my eyes this morning!  Sam noticed that I looked bad, and asked me if I was sick.  I told him I might be getting my period.  I'm getting good at lying . . . . Oh, God, I'm falling in love with this guy, and I haven't even told him my name!

August 2, 2008
Dear Diary.  I spent the night with Sam again.  After we made love and he fell asleep, I got up and went into the living room so that he couldn't hear me crying.  I hid my face in a pillow and sobbed.  I'm eaten alive with guilt and shame -- and fear!  My mother always reminded me and my sisters of the saying about the "tangled web we weave," and here I am now, tangled so tightly that I don't think I can escape!  And I'm scared of losing Sam!  He's been so insistent about honesty!  He once told me that he's been lied to so much by previous girlfriends that he can't have a woman in his life who lies to him!  How could I do this to him -- and myself???

August 9, 2008
Dear Diary.  I stayed with Sam again tonight, and did the same thing as last Saturday!  I got up after we made love and headed for the living room.  I was sitting there crying, and I was totally taken by surprise when Sam showed up!  I expected him to ask what the hell was going on, but he pulled me onto his lap instead and gently asked, "Do you need to tell me something, Laura?"  A few moments passed before I realized that he'd used my real name!!!  I looked up from where I had my face buried in his chest and sputtered, "How long have you known?"  He told me he'd seen my driver's license when it fell out of my purse on the boat -- three weeks ago!!!  He told me to stand up.  He left the living room and came back holding a hairbrush.  He pulled me over his lap, pulled my pajama bottoms down to my knees, and calmly said, "I love you, Laura, and it's time for your first spanking.  Ordinarily I would use my hand for your first one, but lying is Number One on my list, and I warned you a couple of times."  He then set my bottom on fire with that hairbrush!!!  I kicked and cried and screamed and tried to protect myself, but he just caught my hand and held it to my side and continued my punishment, making me soooooooo sorry I'd lied to him!!!  After it was finally over, he held me in his arms once again and inquired, "Who did I just spank:  Darla or Laura?"  I told him it must have been that damned Darla 'cause Laura doesn't lie!