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So much has changed. So much is lost. And I just don't care anymore. |
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I know Master is busy. It just hurts when I feel he has totally forgotten me or is ignoring me. Master actually played with this slave last night! (I dont mean sexually!) I mean LAUGHING, picking, and letting this slave be a playful smartass! I think Master even let me win the playful arguement. This slave hasnt had that much fun in awhile. Master enjoyed it too, of course. Ahhh, the simple things. |
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I wish I knew what to say.
I am depressed and miserable. It doesnt seem to matter how hard I try. There is nothing I can do about it.
I am still owned. I just wish I was wanted. |
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Not worth fixing. Not worth anything. I will go back to my self destructive and self pleasing habits. I promised that I would not harm myself. That promise was conditional. Let the cutting comense! I enjoy the scars and the expression of my self hatred. Since you hate me now too....that is double the ammunition that I may use! |
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I didnt realize it had been so long since I had written anything here. Unless Master deleted stuff I dont remember. These days anything is possible. Or maybe nothing is possible. I have learned a lot in the last few months and it is nothing positive, that's for sure. Very possibly that this slave is permenantly broken. |
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This slave is so fortunate. Master is wonderful and it is an honor to be permitted to serve him. Thank you Master, I want so much to please you!!! |
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Thank you Master....you are the BEST! Many hugs to you!!!!!!
Master always knows what to do, but I guess that comes with being a Master??? |
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I am afraid....please Master, I beg you bring comfort........ |
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Master had my nipples pierced yesterday for the second time. He aslo has the torn labia ring replaced (OUCH! 3rd time was most painful) BUT it feels so good to be "put back together". I love wearing Master's marks. It helps to remind me that Master does want this property :-D Thank you Master! |
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Oh.....what a HAPPY slave I am! And a most fortunate one as well! Master has been so good to his property. Yesterday, Master gave his slave some very valuable time and sent her to sleep with a huge smile on her face.
This slave also learned a lesson that Master may not have intended, but would surely approve!
"Sometime you realize that the things you crave most may have been there all along!"
Long ago I had begged Master to name me, something his and something special. Of course I am called hizslave, but that is how others refer to me. Master asked me yesterday to write something for him and gave me permission to refer to myself as my slave name. I must have looked quizzical as Master looked hurt and asked didn't I remember my slave name? Um, no Master. He smiled slyly and gave me a hint, he had written hidden words on his property long ago. I said the word to him as my eyes brimed with tears. He looked down on me and said Yes, slave, that is your slave name. Oh! I nearly cried with joy! It is such a pretty and special name. A gift from Master!!!! |
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Master is so good to this slave. I am really missing Master tonight. Trying to think of a fun and constructive way to serve in his absence. |
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I wonder if Master will remember that today is my birthday? Or more importantly, the day I gave myself to him and became his slave and property?!
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2226
MASTER REMEMBERED!!!!!!!!!! It has been such a wonderful and SPECIAL day! Master has made this day something very very special and memorable. Master is so good to me and I am such a fortunate slave. ONE VERY HAPPY AND CONTENT slave!!!!! Thank you Master! |
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Master was able to get to the emails awhile back...yippee! I got some Master time the other day and some nice petting. Hopefully, MAYBE, I can get some Master time tomorrow. |
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Big smiles and many hugs to Master. He is SOOOOOOOO good to me! Thank you Master! |
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Well, Master gave me a few minutes earlier today and then talked with me a bit more tonight. He says I worry too much. Guess we'll see. Just a busy time for him. Hugs to Master. |
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I really miss Master and I am really worried about him. It's been awhile since I have stopped by here. Master will go through emails every now and then, but mostly he is to busy or bothered by other things. I dont now what to think, so often he just looks at me like he is disgusted with me. Or he acts like I am contagious and he cant wait to be shed of me. Am I so awful? I am sorry I am not "the other one".
I dont know when or if Master will get back to emails. Thank you for taking the time to write or comment though. |
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Wow, it has been awhile since I have stopped by the website. Master is still incredibly busy. NOW h has me just as busy (or close). I am working very hard to please and help Master. Somedays are better than others. He actually petted me today!!!!! I can't remember the last time! It was nice and I am still smiling! |
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Apologies for not reading or answering messages for awhile. Master is extremely busy. I have been away and then pretty out of sorts. Will try to keep Master informed and catch up..... (Copied below from the Myspace journal)
Wow. What can I say. My head has been so messed up lately and I have felt as if I was going to explode from the inside out. I am so frustrated and feel as if I am going to explode or go completely MAD!!!!
I did a bad thing the other day. Well, my mind was so dark and the demons taking over that I was so pulled toward the permenant solution that it was terribly difficult to fight. Instead I did a bad thing, but a better solution. I cut my arm a bit and watched the blood trickled down. I didnt feel a thing, no pain. As I watched the blood drop down I felt guilty. Master would not be pleased. But at the same time I felt a sense of relief. I felt like I had let out the demons or squeezed out the poisen that was eating me.
Yesterday I got a lot of exercise at Master's direction. He is now requiring 30 minutes a day of cardio vigorus exercise. That would probably help in some ways.
Master still want to send me overseas :-(
Anyway, I am feeling better right now. Inside the waters are calm and I do not feel like I am about to jump off the cliff in a thrashing panick.
Master is right of course. And the exercise will help with the frustration. I write this and shake my head in wonder. Master is so good to me. He has not fussed or been angry, only been supportive and offered advice and structure. Master restates his rules and reminds this one of her purpose and HIS control. Everything is OK again.
Thank you Master. |
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My Death..........
....The rumors of my death have been greatly exagerated.....
Thank you for those who have inquired about my wellbeing. Yes, I am alive and well. It is a little unnerving to get such phone calls. Callers sound shocked when I answer the phone as they believe rumors that I have died. Then they go on to explain that they have heard I have died from a number of people! I received 7 calls yesterday from people in 3 different counties! I am grateful that there are people out there that care. It was good to talk to friends again that I have not seen in awhile. Please everyone stay safe. It is a blessing to have such wonderful and caring friends. I wish I had thought to inquire on exactly how I am suposed to have died! |
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I am trying so hard to be good. It is very difficult. Master is so very busy and so tired. He works much to hard. Master gives me what time he can spare, even if he really has no time. A few minutes here and there. I am grateful and I hope Master understands how much I do appreciate his time and trouble. He doesnt have to give this slave any attention and yet he does what he can. Nearly every time I ask Master for a few minutes, he tries to accomadate. One day maybe Master will have time once again. I wish he wasnt so tired. He worries me when he works so hard and such long hours.
I wish there was something that I could do to help Master in his work. I offer but he always turns me down. Why does Master turn me down? Am I not competent? Or he doesnt know what to give me to do? It is discouraging.
I was very jealous today watching Master play wrestle with another. It has been so long since I have been petted. Master is so busy, I dont guess he thinks of such things. He has remembered that this slave needs to be hugged when possible and he has indulged this one. Hugs are important. |
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I am sorry again for not being able to read or respond to messages. I am very busy, trying to get back into work mode after my sugery.
Master is terribly busy with work and just does not have the time to play on website or check emails right now.
It looks like W/we will be taking a break from CollarMe for awhile. Hopefully we will be back soon. All depending on Master's time and his direction. If he orders me to to keep up things then obviously I must take the time to do so.
Thank you again to out wonderful friends and we hope to see you and chat with you again, soon.
hizslave |
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Master has not had time lately to read or direct response to messages. Maybe if time allows he will be able to soon.
Life in general has been difficult lately. This slave has also been unable to attend the accounts and appologizes.
This slave is most grateful to Master for his cotinued support and encouragement.
A Happy note: this slave laughed this morning when she forgot to remove Master's heavy leather collar before leaving bed. His collar is left displayed on the pillow, ready to be replaced at the end of the day. His 24/7 collar never leaves her neck. Master has many ways to remind this slave that she is His. |
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Surgery went well. I am feeling great and getting less sore everyday. I had my post-op appointment yesterday. It went very well. The dr took the steri strips off the incisions and they are healing nicely. I got cleared to drive again. I am now going to busy updating Master's website until I am cleared again for work.
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Sometimes I feel it is just not fair!!! Master gives me so much and sometimes I just feel like I take and take and do not offer much in return. I draw strength from Master. I feel that others must do the same. How does Master still have more to give!? Myself alone, I must draw an awful lot of Master's energy and strength. Often all I want is to collapse at Master's feet and rest my head on his knee. Master indulges me as he is able and this slave takes full advantage of his generosity.
How can I be a better slave to Master? How can I show my appreciation for all he does for me? In what ways can I serve Master and be more useful?
Master is generous and this slave is very lucky. What a fortunate slave! |
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It has been a stressful week. I was put out of work a week early due to some cardiac issues. I dont know why they have come back. I cant think of any changes I have made, other than gallbladder issues. My heart beats too fast sometimes. It seems atrial tachycardia or possibly some atrial flutter which triggers SVT. Sometimes my heart rate has been 200+. It is just annoying because it makes me feel bad. I get short of breath and really dizzy, not to mention very uncomfortable palpitations. I am left feeling weak and tired. I have been shaking or trembling now for almost a week. It is not dangerous IMO as my heart is strong. It just gets electrically confused. My current thoughts is that my body is rebellion due to a diet of "next to nothing" and dehydration from the N/V related to my gallbladder. My gallbladder surgery is Monday. Hopefully that will correct BOTH problems. My cardiologist is now recommending a cathaterization/EP study and possible ablation. I do not want to do it!!! I will if it will fix me. Master's property, I will do what is necessary. (Or if He says I have too) Well, at least that will be a month or two off before we can do the test. Maybe it will stop between now and then! |
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It is such a simple thing, but this slave is excited and very happy about it. I wear a collar 24/7. It is simple black cord and holds a charm as well as Master's ownership/barcode tag. I have always worn the tag with the barcode turned in so that it wasnt to noticeable. Master told me to clean the tags and to turn the barcode tag outward! VBG!!!! Simple things make a happy slave!!! I wish I could wear Master's other collar "out". It is such a nice collar...always gets compliments. It is an honor to wear Master's collar. |
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I just had an enlightening thought on my drive home. Master's get just as frustrated and discouraged as slaves. While some might see this as weakness, showing a slave some vulnerablility makes them STRONGER in my opinion. It takes more strength to admit a problem or mistake than other possible and less favorable options. To show a slave discouragement or doubt takes a very strong Master. I believe the IE is actually strengthened by these events and exchanges. |
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Speaking of surgery.......they are going to try to do it laproscopically. I am concerned about the scaring. I know it wont be as bad as the open surgery........but I dont want to mess up Master's property anymore than it is already. Master prefers me nude as much as possible. I am going to be so embarrassed and ashamed!! |
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I will be glad when I get off work and finally get home. I feel like shit. I have been running a temp for days now. Started off just over 99, now it is 100.4. It is a good thing that Master has no use for me. I would just screw things up. I will not tell him. Somethings are better left alone. All I want is some toradol and my bed!!!!!
Surgery is set for Feb 16th to have my gallbladder removed. I hope that is the answer to my discomfort. |
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I miss Master, but I am trying to be good. Master gave me a bit of "attention" this week. It was so restful and relaxing to be kneeling at Master's feet. Not sure if he understands that I am content to just me near him. I find peace and comfort. Thank you Master for giving this slave what she needed....... |
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Hummmm well, now I know why I was so tired. My blood pressure dropped to 84/40. I just crashed out on the couch........I guess it was a medication reaction that finally wore off. Still feel drained, but at least now I can hold my head up lol. |
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And so......life just gets harder. I am so tired. Master is so busy. Funny, he once told me I was important too.
Sometimes Master confuses me a great deal. |
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I read this in another's profile....rainbow from New Jersey.
Love is to grant Him the power to totally destroy you, and trusting Him not to.
true submission is born in the mind..developed in the soul and expressed through love, honesty and trust.
How powerful and moving these words are, struck me deeply. I personally would replace "submit" with "love". I do not believe in love, that belongs in fairy tales -hizslave
"love" is a 4-letter word that will only bring pain |
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I knew I was broken Master, a broken and damaged plaything that no one wanted. You took me anyway. I am so sorry that neither of us really new how broken that really was....and now I am to afraid to talk to Master. I will, eventually, just not strong enough right now. |
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Um, yeah.....whatever. Forgoten again. No, not ignored, just simply forgotten. I would forget me to if it were up to me. |
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"Slave, your priority in life is My pleasure.....but Mine is your welfare" -Master
-food for thought and such humbling words to a slave. makes this slave feel even more loyal and dedicated to her Master. on my knees at your feet Master. |
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Thank you for the kindness and encouragement that has been sent our way. I struggle, yes, but I learn as well. Please remember that I am owned. My comfort is in His collar. Still..........I miss Master. All I can do is sit in my kennel and wait. Someday, maybe he will throw the ball again?
Although, no one can blame Him. I try harder to stay under my rock where it is safe. When trying to venture out I only end up hurt. Maybe I need a smaller pen with a thick, dark cover? I should be satisfied to curl up in the dark and sleep the days away.
I know I am no fun to play with......even less these days. Maybe one day everything will be ok again. |
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i appologize to those who I have yet to respond to....I WILL!!! I do not read messages unless Master has already checked them. I am permitted to read/answer submissive females prior, but I find it easier to just let Master read everything first. Besides feeling very lonely and depressed (and I am VERY sorry I drag everyone else down with me) I have not felt well and have been working or at work to much lately. Again, I apologize for delays but I will write as soon as I am able. Thank you for your patience and encouragement through these struggles. |
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Master gave his slave time to talk the other day. His time was very short but he tried to be patient and understanding. I tried very to talk to Master. Why is it such a difficult and frightening task???? In some ways I wish I had continued to kep my mouth shut, but at the same time I feel a great weight has been lifted from me.
I have always said Master can fix anything. I just have to let go and let him work. Master used a lot of duct tape. He listened and answered my questions while drying my tears. I am content in my place by his feet. This is where I belong and this is where I am happy. I can only hope that I can bring Master pleasure and service. I have missed him so much. |
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To those who have inquired....thank you for your kind words. I am NOT in any way seeking a new Master. I am owned and I belong with Him alone. Yes, the path has gotten rocky. Master is working to fix what is broken and I was never meant to be hurt. It was just something that happened. With Master's care and reconstruction, the bond between us will be stronger than ever. I must find stregnth and work to help Master rebuild. I remain in his service and kneel by his side. I never wasn't His...... |
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I took my kitten with me to town today. He loves to ride. I treat him almost like a dog (except he gets a little more freedom). He sat in the armrest the the ride up, watching traffic and such. The ride back he curled up between the armrest and my leg and put his head on my lap and went to sleep. A unique animal, he is very theraputic and snuggling with him always makes me feel better. His fur is so sleek and he just feels so good to hold. He comes immediately when I call his name and for some reason that makes me feel good for a few moments. I fuss at him during the night and early morning when he pounces on me or uses me for a springboard, but I guess really I am just teasing him. It is hard to be mad and fuss at him when he just wants to snuggle and play. I cannot imagine not having him. He is only 7 months old...he was given to me at about 5 weeks. Master gave him to me.....a reminder to be playful and happy. |
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I find myself distancing more and more. Obviously Master doesnt notice. In fact, I guess, he just makes things easier. He does not want this one. Of course he "talks a good talk" when he is of a mind but then he has had a great deal of practice. What am I suposed to do? Simply remain in the shadows and allow myself to fade as much as possible. Maybe I can disappear or at least fade enough that I dont care and hurts become less. Now, I just need to go to bed.
Simply, I dont write anything good, because there is nothing good to write. |
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Crushed, hurt, and lost and confused. But that is all I deserve in life. All I can expect, better to accept now that live any long with the false hope and lies that things will improve. I have just been taught a difficult lesson. One week ago today, any hope I had of things ever being different was torn from me and drowned within my sight. There is only lies, deceit, and pain that threatens to take away your very breath. I wish it would...why prolong the agony? Oh yeah....because people take great pleasure from watching me suffer. |
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Ok ENOUGH is ENOUGH I am tired of being sick. Still dealing with other issues, now I have more....but PLEASE hopefully short lived. After fighting off "something" all week it finally caught up with me after a day and night spent working in the cold damp rain. Makes sense since this is my time off, be over it (sure HOPE so!!) by time to go back to work :-( No wonder I can't get anything accomplished...... |
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Last night Master had me permenatly "marked" as his property!!! Finally, after many many moths the very special occasion took place. I was pierced for Master. It was a terribly painful experience but that (and my FEAR of PAIN) was a vital part of the meaningful event. My submission and dedication to Master is visable along with his claim of ownership and commitment. I am so proud to wear these "marks" and know that I am owned and wanted. I am very proud of myself for submitting to Master and enduring the painful procedures just for his pleasure. It fills me with happiness to know that Master is pleased an excited as well! Master had my nipples pierced, a VCH, and 1st set of pussy lip rings! (Due to my health concerns the piercer would only allow one set, he did not wish to stres my body any further) Master plans to have 4 additional sets added to pussy lips for a total of 5 sets!!!! I am VERY sore today...but I feel a great sense of pride because I DID it for Master! |
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I guess if it breaths air dont trust it. Words I have lived by, but has slowly forgotten. No, painfully reminded yet again.
Question 1: If you tell the truth but are continuosly called a liar...what is the truth? Better still...is the ACCUSER actually the liar and not trustworthy?
Question 2: Is this psychology or philosphy?
Word to the wise; keep your MOUTH shut tight and your legs spread wide open. Life will stll hurt, but maybe it will be less painful. |
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No piercings for this slave (tears). Master wasnts to get some other stuff out of the way before I have to deal with the "healing process". All was set and unfortunate events of the day canceled the special occasion. Master then decided just to put it on hold, yet again. This slave understands but is very sad. |
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Last Tuesday Master decided it was finally time to mark his property permenantly. While Master has several piercings in mind for his property, he has chosen to do his top 2 at this time. This slave will have her nipples pierced as well as a VCH (vertical clit hood). I am very nervous but terribly excited! Master also has plans for this slave to have 3 sets of labia rings (to be potentially locked with a padlock!) and plans for tattoos. It is a great honor to wear Master's marks.
Date is tenatively set for Saturday Aug 23, 2008.
Afterwards, we should have many pictures! With Master's permission the pictures will be available by request. |
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Today marks one year being Collared by Master!
How exciting and wonderful to be wanted and owned. I try to be a good, obedient, and pleasing slave. Thankfully Master is forgiving and patient of his slaves mistakes.
I feel as if Master has always owned me. I wear his collar proudly and his tags of ownership are never removed. It is a great honor to be the property of Master. |
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Master has tasked me to find a female pet of my own to play with. I am very nervous about this new asignment, but intrigued as well. I do not even know how to go about finding a pet LOL! I must try to begin my search. Hey, maybe it will be fun afterall! I simply do not wish to disappoint Master or let him down :-( |
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This week has been very difficult and yet possibly a very important week for this slave. Master has been so generous with his time and his ear. This slave has gone to sleep each night this past week, safe in Master's collar. Every night drifting off to sleep thinking how fortunate i am to have such a wise and caring Master. i owe so much to Master, and i am so grateful for his control and guidance. i have had pleasant dreams and peaceful sleep for the first time in many weeks. Thank you Master for giving this slave both purpose and comfort. |
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This slave has spent the day reflecting over Master's teachings and the journey of the last year. There have been so many changes and lessons learned. This slave can only hope that Master is pleased and is honored by the results he has achieved thus far. Master has many lessons that are waiting to be taught. |
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In service to Master, i have created this profile. i hope that Master is pleased with his property, she is trying to follow his wishes.
thank you Master, your grateful slave |
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