|
|
|  | |  | |  | |  | |
|
|
|
SlaveKeeper2005
|
|
|
|
MJinx
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Update 5/29/10: Yes, its a current photo. It was taken less than 2 weeks ago, while sitting on my front porch.I am not looking for, or interested in, forming a relationship with anyone at this time.
I camp and hunt - from which you might figure out that I'm not exactly a girly-girl type a lot of the time. I paint (and even occasionally sell one of my paintings, imagine that) and I've been an avid reader my whole life. I brew mead and have begun to delve into brewing beer as well. I own a small business, and it is pretty much my first priority in life. After that comes other responciblities, then having a bit of fun, then getting chances to do some bdsm play. I try to keep things balanced.
So, who am I and what do I want? I'm a single, bi-comfortable, masochist female who also happens to have a twisted sadistic side at times when playing. I'm a bit of a cynic, very much a realist, have a biting sense of humor, a rather twisted wit, and somewhat ecclectic tastes. I am intelligent and creative, and usually motivated towards those things which could be considered Enlightened Self Interest. What I want are friends -anything beyond that is simply not open for discussion.
|
|
|
|
|
It's almost amazing how rapidly life can become pleasant again, when you start cutting dead weight people out of your universe. Or how quickly you can start actually Enjoying life again, when you do the same.
It's almost a year overdue, but I'm finally getting Myself back, and have actually started to Enjoy life once more. I think I'll finish cutting the dead weight out, which I've been doing since the end of June, and see how much better it gets when all of the people who were dragging me back and stressing me out are finally done and gone.
|
|
|
|
|
Sometimes, life is not as easy to cope with as other times. Clinical depression is difficult at best to get under control. Any variety of things can set off a serious or semi-serious depressive episode.
Today - I'm just not coping well.
|
|
|
|
|
Happy Birthday to Me...
another year older and whadda ya get? A damn good beatin, a finally signed contract, and a Master whom I utterly adore.
Helluva birthday present I gave to myself this year! ;-)
|
|
|
|
|
I think I'm about there. At the end of my patience, my emotional strength and endurance, my capacity to continue being a dutiful, loving daughter.
I was informed today by dad's hospice nurse that unless something drastic shows up on blood they plan to draw in a couple of days, they aren't renewing dad's certification to remain on Hospice services. It seems that he's not Quite doing poorly enough to warrent them, according to their guildlines. He hasn't lost a bunch of weight since the last re-cert a few months ago, his breathing has deteriorated substantially enough, he hasn't yet become completely bedridden.
I moved him home because he was "dying" - because he only had a specifically limited amount of time left to live, and it didn't matter whether he was Here or in a Nursing Facility, it was going to happen. Now, almost at the end of the time they gave him when I moved him home, they tell me he's Not dying? That I've put up with the bullshit, the headaches, the sleepless nights, the constant interuptions, constantly getting cussed out, and the ever present eyeballing of adult protective services so I didn't potentially "abuse" or "neglect" him - For NOTHING?????
I can't keep doing this indefiately. I don't have that sort of emotional strength left in me any longer. I did this for 18 YEARS with my older daughter, and now for nearly a year with my father, and I Just Can't Keep It Up. If I do, I'll either end up in an insane asylym, or hospitalized for a complete physical breakdown. I can't afford to pay a home health nurse to come out and check on him once a week. I can't afford an aide to come out 3 days a week to help him with his hygene. And both of those are things that I'm not emotionally or physically capable fo doing myself. I can't count on my only living sibling - he's less than useless. I can't count on my friends forever - they have lives of their own to deal with, which take presidence (as they should) over my problems. I don't have a partner - and doubt I could find the emotional strength to deal with one right now even if I did - so no help there, either. |
|
|
|
|
ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGG!
Ok - frustration is Not an emotional state that I particularly enjoy. Heck, I'm betting it's not something that Anyone who isn't locked up in an insane assylum actually Enjoys. Unfortunately my frustration level with a friend of mine - and his soon to be ex wife whom I considered a friend until a few days ago - has now reached truely Monumental Proportions.
Backstory : they met in January, started dating in February, decided in early March that they wanted to get married. I told them it was a bad idea, that they didn't know each other well enough, but they set a date for November. By late April, she was throwing fits to move the wedding up to May - despite the fact that they were both already having doubts as to the survivability of the relationship. Being their friend, I again told them "bad idea" - but it was their decision to make, and I backed it even though I thought it was foolish to the Nth degree. So I go with them as a witness as they get married by a JoP.
Then comes August, and things explode. Remember - they only got married the first week of May, so it hasn't even been 4 full months since they got married, and it's barely been 7 months since they Met and Started Dating.
She went off the deep end. His job didn't pay enough - he got a different one - only that wasn't good enough either, in pay or the fact that it was OTR trucking which was going to keep him away from home for days at a time. She went off the deep end about all his friends as well - we were all conspiring against her - never mind that she knew all of us were the ones talking him into Not filing for divorce. If it happened to be a female friend - we were trying to steal him from her - regardless of age, status in a relationship, or whether we were straight or gay. His male friends were trying to Convince him to cheat - even if he hadn't talked to them for months.
If I didn't know better, I'd Swear she had gone on some sort of serious drug trip - her personality changed that much.
So he finally decided to have a talk with her parents - whom she had carefully kept him from talking to without her present all along, and given him a list of things (rather extensive, mostly concerning her past) which he wasn't allowed to bring up in front of them - ever. I went with him - figuring on being a neutral observer. I was there both to get answers of my own, and as a witness as to what they said, so if he was challenged on it (in divorce court) there was someone there who heard it for themselves rather than as hearsay.
Turns out the personality she displayed when they first met, were dating, and when they first got married 4 months ago was a complete ruse. All of the things she claimed to have done - competitive sports, rape survivor, several other things - all of it a rather elaborate fantasy on her part to support the personality ruse. The woman he and I thought we knew doesn't exist - and in her place is someone who has a chronic history of psychiatric issues, counciling, boyfriends that no one has ever met, and being a pathological liar and chronic emotional blackmailer.
I can't bring myself to call her a friend any longer. I don't know the Real her at all - that woman and I have never met. I do, however, find myself grieving a bit for the person I thought I knew - who doesn't really exist, but who feels dead on a different level. I warned her when he first introduced me to her - as his best friend - that there were only a few things that would make me turn my back on her. She's pulled every single one of those things over the past month, plus a few that I might otherwise forgive.
I'm the most loyal and trustworthy Friend a person can have at their back. I'm also the most implacable Enemy that a person can make. And this woman whom I don't know, but who somehow wears the face of someone I thought I knew - she's managed to get herself put on my very short list of actual enemies. |
|
|
|
|
I've been thinking for the past couple of weeks, since the betrayal that happened as I got home from my respite time. Part of my psyche is still almost obsessed about examining things - what happened, why it happened, what I could have done differently (if anything) to prevent it from happening. Although the more rational, less emotionally involved, portion of my brain acknowledges that there's nothing I could have done differently other than to not get emotionally involved with him in the first place.
The coldly clinical, rationally unemotional portion of my brain has a somewhat different take on things. Whether it be the outcome (which I knew deep down inside was approaching - I'm not an idiot, nor headblind, despite what he seemed to mistakenly think) or my responces TO the outcome (the few tears, the bouts of self doubt laced through with depression, the anger - and yes, even a few minutes of unremorsed bitterness) my rational, thinking mind has been taking a much longer view. It has been giving me that much needed figurative kick in the rear during my more emotional episodes over the past couple of weeks. At the very least, that portion of me - the strength that seems to be consistantly underestimated by the males I find myself having the misfortune of becoming involved with - has gained just a bit more resolve within itself not to allow this to happen yet again.
I cannot, despite my emotional portion desiring it, condeme all males of the species for the actions of those I've made the poor choice to become involved with over the years. My rational brain knows - without doubt - that there are good males somewhere out there on this planet. To few of them, to be sure, but they exist somewhere other than simply within my own imagination and longing for a true partner and equal. Yet I cannot quite set aside the feeling, deep within, that I am simply destined to spend my days alone - with only brief (and frequently rather emotionally painful) interludes - without the company on my life's path of some Other to share the burdens and joys of existance.
Am I destined to walk a solitary path through life, rather than simply spiritually? Am I that unloveable? |
|
|
|
|
Maybe it's not such a great thing when someone reenters your life after a long absence. It's beginning to look like it wasn't such a fortuitous happening after all. No proof - only gut instinct and circumstantial evidence - but it's getting to piled up to ignore. |
|
|
|
|
Ah- the sting of needles, the hum of the electric gun, and 45,000+ miniscule holes poked rapidly into a 2 inch square section of skin.
I just love getting fresh ink.... |
|
|
|
|
Every time someone enters or leaves your life, there is a reason for it. You might not recognize the reason right away. You might not Ever recognize the reason. Yet somewhere there exists a purpose for it to have happened.
How much moreso, then, is there reason for someone to reappear in your life whom you had long since lost touch with? Perhaps even been out of contact with for so long that you'd nearly forgotten they existed as part of your universe at some prior point in time?
Divergent paths, once again converging, but the people that those paths carry are not the same as they were back when. I've changed. He's changed. The world around us has changed. Perhaps the changes are sufficient to make a shared path an actual possibility this time. |
|
|
|
|
OMG Orlando is fantabulous right now!
CM Hotel Takeover, wedding of the century, an incredibly wonderful about to be newlywed couple, and more fun than any one person should be legally allowed to have meeting CM Forum Denizens all rolled into one.
I am sooooooooooo glad I decided to take my respite time and come out here for GT & Pirate's big day!!!!! |
|
|
|
|
Between lack of sleep, and him insisting on attempting to do things that he Knows he's not Capable of doing, dad may very well drive me to the brink of insanity in the short time he has remaining. Not that it's ever a particularly long drive, according to some of my friends, nonetheless it's one I'd prefer not to take just yet.
|
|
|
|
|
How do you convince someone who Can't do something (physically incapable) - that they Can't do something - when they Want to do that something, but they aren't Willing to do what's necessary Physcially to Be able to do that something? |
|
|
|
|
As I do every year, I want to take a moment to wish my friends all those things which they Desire in the coming year.
And to my enemies - may the coming year grant you everything you Deserve. |
|
|
|
|
Being a dutiful spawn to our aging parents isn't always easy. It's often unpleasant. It's usually inconvenient. And it's way to emotional, taking care of them as they wait to die.
Nonetheless, I brought dad home from the nursing center to live with me for his final few months. It's the one thing he wanted - to die at home in his own bed, rather than in some anonymous nursing center. I found it rather disconcerting though to be told this evening that he's ready to die now that he's home, and doesn't plan to even attempt to still be around 2 months from now.
Oh, the joys of parenting our parents. |
|
|
|
|
Ah....... hot tubs..... a pain in the rump to maintain one (and not the good kinda pain in the rump either, durnit) - but oh so much a joy to relax in.
I think I can deal with the hassles of having to check pH and such every few days for the relaxation level offered. I know that I certainly haven't felt as stressed out for the past couple of weeks since it got installed!
Now all it needs it *ehem* proper christening.... |
|
|
|
|
Someone inquired recently as to the reasons for my seeming bit of analness (is that even a word?) concerning the use of good grammer, spelling, and punctuation whilst writing. To enlighten the masses (though I have my doubts as to whether they'll actually read this, or pay heed to it if they do) I've decided to answer said question.
In my past, I have been plagued with the attentions of men who lacked good writing skills. A lack which I overlooked and ignored with the thought that I was perhaps being unfair to them or there must be Some good reason why the lack existed. There was a good reason - it indicated a lack of sufficient intelligence on their part to keep up with me mentally. Those attempted relationships subsequently failed for various reasons, most of which can be traced back to the inequity of our respective Ability to learn, and to retain comprehension of what we learned. This, in turn, taught me that it is unwise for me to attempt to form any sort of serious relationship with someone who lacks the ability to easily and quickly demonstrate to me that his level of intelligence is similar to my own.
I grew to view the ability to communicate effectively in this medium as an indication of potential suitability. I reasoned that someone who Actively Chooses to use the written word as a form of self introduction, networking, screening for potential mates, and hence communication, is incapable of actually Using said medium to the commonly accepted scholastic standards, in all likelihood there is one of four causes. 1.) The person lacks sufficient intelligence to learn - in which case I have no use for them. Pity perhaps, but little use. 2.) The person is to lazy to learn - in which case I have even less use, and utterly no sympathy, for them. Lazy people tend to deny personal responcibility, which is something that I simply will not tolerate in another. 3.) The person is so bound by their own ego they fail to realize that they need honest improvement in such a simple area - in which case I not only have no use for them, but seriously feel they need to see a shrink to address their issues with narcicism. 4.) English (the written language of my native tongue) is not their first language - in which case we probably have to little in common to sustain more than a passing aquaintance, and would be unable to communicate effectively outside the written word as well. |
|
|
|
|
Ah, the blatherings of inanely unintelligent and horrifically undereducated drudges. If the lack of grammer, punctuation, spelling, and well thought out conversation weren't clue enough from their various emails - certainly their dithering attacks and attempts to prop their failing egos by juvenile name calling of the basest sort mixed with misapplied profanity does so.
I find myself torn betwix amusement at futile attempts of harassment or degredation, and pity that they come so poorly armed to this battle of wits. Getting nuked when they're barely capable of handling stone tipped spears. |
|
|
|
|
I've been asking myself lately whether I even Like humanity. Asking about Not simply a given Portion of humanity - but any of it. The answer that I've been coming up with isn't particularly encouraging to me.
The longer I am single, and a bit reclusive, the more I come to the realization that Humanity as a whole has practically no appeal to me. While I've read (and yes, even understood) the various psychology works stating that humans "need" contact with others - interaction, relationships of various sorts, etc - I'm not so certain that I agree with those treatises. The less frequently I am around others, the less I feel a need to change that. I also find that I am considerably more content not to deal with the incessant need to prove superiority by various individual subjects within the species.
While I may eventually wind up as someone who is identified as the perinial "cat lady" (ie living alone as a recluse with nothing but a few dozen cats as companions) - I can't see where I'd be missing out on much. What is there to miss out on, really? Hatred, abuse, self absorbtion, bullying, lying, theft, war? I can do without any of the things that come Standard with humanity - and in my lifetime I've seen damned little to mitigate all of that and contrast it with "good."
Humanity is not a nice species. We aren't Pleasant, we aren't thoughtful, we aren't considerate, we aren't (as a whole) compassionate, nor do we give a flying flip about all the other species that have no choice but to share this crowded little mudball with us in space. We lie, cheat, and steal to secure our wants over and above the Needs of others - whether those others are from our own species or otherwise. There's little to recommend us - and much to show that the entire rest of the world would be considerably better off without us. |
|
|
|
|
I sat and watched a movie tonight that I'd been planning to watch for a while - 27 Weddings. And I realized, after the movie was over, that had my own marriage been more than a farce I would have been married for 22 years and a few months at this point. Instead, I've been divorced for 20 years and several months.
Hollywood glamorizes so much of what we consider "life." And yet, it so seldom shows what really goes on. There are no happy endings. There are no fairy tales. There are no white knights on spotless chargers, waiting to make life perfect for the underdog. |
|
|
|
|
Back from Vacation finally. It went better than planned, not as well as I hoped, about average over all.
Next time, I remember to get all the contact information for people I'm considering visiting BEFORE I get in the car to head out LMAO |
|
|
|
|
Ever had one of those days when nothing seems to go right? When the lemons are stacking up in the kitchen faster than you can squeeze them, and you've apparantly run out of sugar to turn it all into Lemonaide?
Apparantly the sugar got stolen, the ice machine is broken, the sink is got switched with the sewer line in the middle of the night, and I'm stuck with a kitchen stacked to the ceiling with lemons. |
|
|
|
|
While reading the forums of a different kink site that I'm on this evening, I happened to take a glance at the political discussion board. Gods was That a mistake. Discussing the current presidential candidate lineup shouldn't be considered Politics - it should be considered Humor -because all of them are a giant joke being played on the American Public by the various special interest groups out there who actually foot the bill for elections.
Democrap or Repugnican - doesn't matter really which party they are supposed to be affiliated with. They're all bought and paid for. They're all dishonest as hell. They're all out to ass rape the public for their own glory, and whatever book and movie deals they can garner once they're out of office.
Balance the Budget - declare Politicians a GAME SPECIES with No Bag Limits! |
|
|
|
|
Clue #1 : If your "Lives For" list in the interests includes primarily things about BDSM rather than normal life - I'm most likely not interested, because you're probably to obsessed with this to actually keep things in perspective enough to Not drive me batty and make me want to strangle you in short order.
Clue #2 : If you aren't local - I'm not interested. I have no intention of being someone's online mastabatory fantasy, and no inclination to relocate at this point.
Clue #3 : "Master" and "Sir" are not names - they're Titles - and I'm not going to address anyone by either of them. If you aren't willing to aproach me as a Peer first, and get to know me as a friend, we aren't compatible. |
|
|
|
|
I recieved an interesting email earlier from a male submissive - and I feel compelled to repost here part of my responce to his letter. It's something that all of us should keep in mind when we prattle on about never accepting anything less than we want... especially since what we all Want is Perfection.
Don't kid yourself into thinking that Perfection can be achieved even over time. It can't. Relationships involve two HUMANS - not a pair of demi-gods - and therefore are doomed to failure if Perfection is what you're looking for at all. Accepting that disagreements are going to happen, developing a willingness to compromise on those things which don't touch our sense of ethics and self worth, only taking on a partner that you enherantly Like as a friend regardless of their small human flaws... those are what make things last over time and weather through problems.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled search for the ever elusive Mr. or Ms. Perfection In Human Form to eventually become disappointed with. |
|
|
|
|
A good bottle of Honey Mead, fresh canvas, plenty of paint, and a house devoid of anyone other than myself and those on four legs with fur - definately the second best method to relax and get rid of stress.
(The first being a good SM play session that leaves "reminders" for at least 4 or 5 days) |
|
|
|
|
I've been active in the forums here on CM for a while now, and I have to simply pause at this point for a hearty laugh. 
Here's to all those "One Twue Way" and "You're Not Real/Twue" folks out there! I always enjoy reading such in the forums - because yall consistantly remind me of what I stenuously want to Avoid in potential partners. IE, those who take WIITWD far to seriously, turn it into a religion, or figure that if I'm not going about things the same way they are, there Must be something WRONG with me.
Thank you - seriously - for reminding me to keep this relegated to the place it deserves in my life. A pleasant hobby with those who want to enjoy life - not a pseudo lifestyle. |
|
|
|
|
Audentes Fortuna Iuvat
If fortune truely favors the bold, why is it that you rarely see living examples of those who hold the Congressional Medal of Honor? |
|
|
|
|
As the first quarter of the year comes to a close, I must admit, it has been as intriguing as I suspected it would be - though not for the reasons that I originally anticipated.
That being the case, I actually hold out hope currently that the 2nd quarter of the year will continue in the same vein - interesting, thought provoking, and at least somewhat adventuresome. |
|
|
|
|
The human mind and spirit are incredibly complex mechanisms. So much so that at times they seem nigh unfathomable. This is, perhaps, most especially true of one's own spirit and mind - the subconscious undirected thoughts which lie well within the depths, lurking about to spring unsuspected upon the unaware.
Perplexing, isn't it, that a person can believe themselves to have dealt with all those inner demons and come to a resolution with past unpleasantness - then turn around a short time later and realize that the emotions, the griefs, the pains, the tribulations of the past have not been laid to rest - they have merely been set aside by the mind until such time as it is "safe" to examine things and actually come to grips with them.
Is it a matter of simply giving one's self sufficient time to heal? No, because I have come to believe that a friend was correct in saying that some types of grief and betrayal never truely heal - they simply scar over, and fade sufficiently as to no longer be a constant digging ache. Perhaps it was not Healing that I was actually seeking all this time - rather the capacity to simply Accept those portions of myself that were damaged in the past without attempting to somehow Change them or make them "better." |
|
|
|
|
Happy New Year
To my Friends : May the new year bring you all those things you desire, while bringing you none of those things that you Probably deserve!
To my enemies : May you gain everything you deserve in the coming months. |
|
|
|
|
The 1st day after Christmas  my true love and I had a Fight.  And so I chopped the pear tree down  and burned it just for Spite. And with a single cartrage I shot that blasted partrage  my true love.. my True Love.. my true love gave to me.
The 2nd day after Christmas my mother caught the Croup.  I had to use the 3 french hens to make some chicken soup. The 4 calling birds were a big mistake for their language was Obscene.  And the 5 gold rings were completely Fake - for they turned my fingers Green!
The 6th day after Christmas the 6 laying geese wouldn't lay. I sent the whole darn gaggle to the ASPCA. On the 7th day what a Mess I found - all 7 of the swimming Swans had Drowned  that my true love.. my True Love.. my true love gave to me.
The 8th day after Christmas before they could suspect I bundled up the  8 maids a milking  9 ladies dancing  10 lords a leaping  11 pipers piping  12 drummers drumming (ok ok.. so I Kept one of the pipers!) and sent them back... Collect! I told my true love, "We are Through, love" and further more this word.... this Christmas song is for the Birds! (4 calling birds 3 french hens 2 turtle doves, and a Partrage in a Pear Tree) |
|
|
|
|
Funny how often we meet amusing (and even relatively Sane) people when we least expect to. With the way things are looking currently, I may even be brought to have a better opinion of the male species, and not be so jaded. Well, perhaps I'll never loose that edge of being jaded. I am, however, finally beginning to meet a few males who don't make me want to strangle them for egotism or idiocy. It's almost enough to restore my faith in the concept that humanity isn't going to die out from all of them ending up on the wrong end of a pissed off woman's shot gun.
(Now... if I can Just keep the other shoe from dropping... ) |
|
|
|
|
The musings of a probable madwoman. How apt when I look back over my earlier journal entries, and consider my frame of mind while writing some of them. Especially apt when I take into consideration the changes in attitude that I've had over the past 6 months upon serious self examination.
The self examination will likely never cease until the day I am buried. At the least, though, I have come to terms with my changing self, and accepted those facets which were previously rejected as unacceptable to me. The inner turmoil at least has subsided, and I know what it is that I want out of life. And, conversely, what I definately do Not want as well.
Still the Hummingbird waiting warily for the Mantis to strike from a previously hidden corner. |
|
|
|
|
Ok, I'm going to try (again) to make this plain to you "dominant" types. I'll use small words, maybe then you'll actually comprehend.
Do not contact me and then sign emails with a self appointed title like "master." It's inane and shows a BAD tendency towards egotism that I find repulsive. Unless I develop a relationship with someone where *I grant them a title on MY terms and MY time, then no one gets a title from me. Deal with it. You aren't impressing me, you Certainly aren't going to Intimidate me. I am not submissive by nature (Duh, or I would have "submissive" listed at the top of my profile, not "Switch") and absolutely do not hold self styled dominants in any sort of awe or respect of assumed position. You want my respect? EARN IT by getting to know me as an equal and friend. Get this straight now - I'm not going to submit to anyone even if I do develop a friendship with them. It's not in my nature to do so. Do us Both a favor, and set aside any thoughts that I'd be a great Challenge for you to test your skills and domliness on - you'll simply annoy me, and frustrate yourself.
If you're incapable of literacy above a 4th grade level, don't bother to write at all. This means have a good grasp of grammer, spelling, and punctuation. Or at the very least a grasp of grammer and punctuation, and use a spell checker. If you're incapable of writing something with at least a modicum of intelligent thought behind it - go away, you annoy me. I will not bother to respond to those who are lazy enough to use constant internet shorthand in emails to me. The occassional acronym is fine, substituting numbers for entire words is not. |
|
|
|
|
More and more frequently, those who identify themselves as being part of the BDSM community do little in the way of Kink practices - instead concentrating far to MUCH on their percieved place within a relationship - who is better than whom, who ultimately has the control, who is more obedient, etc ad nauseum.
I find it Funny that one of the largest Debates within the community these days is "who is actually in control over a relationship." Some take a stance that the dominant partner is in control, or they aren't really a dominant. Others claim the submissive partner is in control because they can withdraw consent. Is it not a Partnership? Two working together, towards a single purpose and goal? If it is, indeed, a partnership then Neither has control. Or perhaps it is better said that Both, ultimately, are in equally shared control and equal positions of power - either without the other is powerless, and the relationship ceases to exist. Either can choose at any point to simply leave if things do not suit them sufficiently. It becomes at that point a strictly moot question to ask which is in control. You might argue with me that Ds is not about Equality between partners. Perhaps that's so... but my involvement in BDSM isn't about Ds.. it's about Kinky Partnership. |
|
|
|
|
There are times lately when I ask myself if I haven't simply gotten "burned out" on BDSM. I've been involved for so long, and seen so many changes in what's out of the closet, that it's becoming more difficult every year to tell heads from tails. I find myself asking, more and more frequently these days, whether we as a community have lost sight of what we were and why we involved ourselves in sadomasochism, bondage, and discipline to begin with.
Have things simply devolved to the point where it's now just In Vogue to be kinky? Are we no longer so much the fringe as becoming more and more the mainstream? And if we are, indeed, becoming so acceptable that it's now approaching mainstream... do I really want to continue? |
|
|
|
|
Mastery is an illusion. No one, in truth, is capable of forcing another to do anything that they do not freely choose to do, unless people step outside the bounds of consensuality. To instill fear (even if only fear of "punishment") in order to achieve one's ends is not mastery of another - it is the tactic of a frightened child - a bully - unsure of themselves and their own place in the scheme of things. When you hear someone speak of "making" you do something, keep in mind - they have only so much power over you as you yourself grant them, and even that much is limited to your active cooperation in their plans and designs on your life. To master another, one needs to Inspire Active Cooperation, rather than coering obedience through unpleasantness of whatever form. |
|
|
|
|
Back home and settled in, and even have everything unpacked and put away where it should be. A first for me, in some ways, since I've always been chronic about taking my time in getting all the boxes unpacked again when I moved. On a slightly different note - perhaps I should make a few things clear, though ghods know most of those who Need to see this are the sort who would ignore it or consider it something not aimed at them anyway.
I am not looking for a partner. I do not submit to anyone. I am not submissive. I am a switch in the SM sense, I am a switch in the BD sense - I am not into the BS of DS at ALL. 22 years involved in kink and several relationships over the course of those years taught me well. DS is a farce in my personal opinion - an excuse for those who are egotists with control issues to excuse their abusive tendencies and laziness while practicing the same on co-dependant victims who either lack the intelligence or the initiative to keep themselves from being abused and treated in a subhuman manner. No, I'm not interested in submitting to you. No, you can't change my mind. No, I'm certainly not interested in calling you by some self proclaimed title meant to stroke your ego and boost your poor self image - now or at any point in the future. If you are so self absorbed that you think you're going to somehow impress me by granting yourself a title that is utterly meaningless to me (outside of connotations that no one with a bit of sense wants associated with them), and which you haven't earned, think again if you have sufficient cranial capacity to do so.
Now - for those of you who have paid attention to my Prior journal entries - take note. My location has changed, but my lack of desire to have any sort of relationship with anyone - male, female, hermaphrodite, martian.. dominant, submissive, switch, slave, top, bottom, nilla - other than casual friendship has NOT CHANGED. No, I'm NOT looking for playpartners EITHER.
 Don't Make me hit you with the Clue by Four!  |
|
|
|
|
I obviously spoke to soon when I said that my current decision making process would not take me once more in the direction of Oklahohum... because that is exactly where it seems I am going to be in a very short amount of time.
Life's little unexpected twists and turns.... ghods don't ya just love them? Familial duty is one of those things that we can never really escape unless we have literally no family left. And at this point, much as I dislike some portions of my family, they are still family and duty still becons me back there to fulfil responcibilities that I had hoped not to need to deal with for several more years at least... |
|
|
|
|
In reexamining my past, I come across patterns. Some good, some bad... some rather disturbing.. all of them centering around the males that have been a portion of my life up to this point.
A friend made the comment to me that I'm simply not asking the "right questions" while getting to know males. I think she's mistaken. I ask the right questions - I even get the "right" answers. It's simply that I have learned through the years that if someone can't answer the question in the manner they think I want to hear honestly, they're going to answer in the manner they think I want to hear Anyway. And since they aren't going to answer honestly, why bother asking the questions?
At least it has taught me something. I no longer say that I won't tolerate being lied to. I learned, finally, that Everyone Lies About Something - some simply more than others. Instead, I have simply learned what I will and won't tolerate being lied to About. |
|
|
|
|
Ok, so how difficult is it to figure out these 2 very basic concepts : (1.) If you live to far away to realistically meet face to face in a reasonable amount of time - please don't bother me. I'm completely uninterested in being part of the masterbatory fantasies of online twits. (2.)If that's not your purpose - if you're genuinely interested in getting to know me as a FRIEND, simply to talk as a FRIEND, then please state so in any email, and do NOT waste my time with tripe like "hi, how are you?" Why do I say this? Because frankly, if someone lacks the native wit and intelligence to say more than 1 short sentence, or lacks the intelligence to figure out that I want (Demand) more out of life than simply some online game for your amusment and masterbation - they aren't intelligent enough to warrent my time on Either side of the coin. There, now isn't it So much nicer to simply NOT waste both my time on trivia, tripe, and tedium? |
|
|
|
|
I wasn't joking when I said in my profile that life sometimes doesn't go the way we intend for it to go. It certainly hasn't gone the way I intended for the past few weeks.
Not to worry, though. If there's one thing I've learned over the years, it's that everything happens for a reason. We might not always know what the reason IS, but there IS a reason in the long run.
Either way, the hummingbird still flits about and survives - and will continue to survive until speared by the mantis.  |
|
|
|
|
Oddly enough, modeling is not a profession that I ever gave serious consideration to. And yet, despite that, I find myself with an audition tomorrow to do just that - take a job with a modeling agency.
So I guess now the question is, do I do my roots tonight, so that they don't show up as distinctly a different color, or let it go with the attitude of "what you see is what you get" ? Sheesh, it's almost 24 hours before I have to worry about it, and I have butterflies in my stomach worse than I had when I auditioned for scholarship juries at age 18 when I went to school as a music major. Talk about flittering around like a hummingbird - the next 24 hours I'm definately going to be doing so. ( I Swear, I am NOT going to let myself go into a full blown wishywashy panic attack asking "dod oh dod what do I wear???" ) |
|
|
|
|
Posted more pictures - the first of the new ones even being recent as of a few minutes before they were all posted.
The hummingbird continues to flitter, bold and brash and feirce.. and wary .. always wary.. of the potential to be speared unexpectedly from previously unseen directions. Or perhaps she's already been speared, and this is simply her last gasp of surprise? |
|
|
|
|
Dommisve - a dominant personality, but a desire to be submissive specifically to the Right partner, at least part of the time. It's a term I'm borrowing from a friend, and much like herself - it suits me quite well. Not a switch, because for just the right Dominant partner ( I mean Exactly the RIGHT partner) my dominant tendencies would disappear. Yet at the same time, I cannot bring myself to submit to just anyone, nor do I have a desire to hand over control over every aspect of my life. I am not, after all, some brain dead piece of fluff. I am very much a compitant, controled, intelligent woman who has no need (or desire) to be told how to think or what to do every minute of my day.
And when it comes down to it, I don't particularly want a submissive in my life that *I have to take that sort of tedius level of control over, either - to tell them what and how to think, and what to do with every minute of their time that they aren't at a nilla job. That sort of thing would bore me rather quickly - and present utterly NO challenge to me as a dominant. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Age: 24 |
| Hopia,
Netherlands Antilles |
|
|
|
| | |
