Erotomania


Erotopia Female Switch, 38, NYC, New York	erototoxin Male Dominant, 37, San Francisco, California	erotobabe Transgender Submissive, 36, coventry

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	About Erotomania PLEASE READ: While I am always interested in meeting likeminded people and making new friends, I am NO LONGER seeking actual playmates. I do not see this changing at any point in the foreseeable future. I am currently with a wonderful man, and I don't need or desire anyone else. Please don't let that dissuade you from contacting me on more platonic terms. I'd love to hear from interesting people, I'd just prefer if any sort of propositions were left out of the messages. Thanks! Another thing.. I REFUSE FRIEND REQUESTS FROM PEOPLE WHO DO NOT TAKE THE TIME TO SEND ME A MESSAGE! --------------------------------------** After a recent experience, I'm being cautious in regards to meeting Dominants for myself to play with.. However, I am very much open to meeting both female Dominants and submissives.. I'm looking to grow as a Dominant as that side of me seems to be becoming more prevailant in my life, whereas my submissive side is slowly waning. Submission is still a very real and intense part of my life, but I now have some severe issues with trusting a dominant. If I submit to you, it will be out of love, and respect, and trust.. And all of those things must be earned. I will not submit anymore merely to sooth the need to give myself to someone.. Please don't expect me to give all of myself to you without time, and a reason to desire that. On the other hand, Dominance, having the opportunity to please someone who has enough trust in me to put their desires and needs in my safekeeping, is something that DOES seem to soothe a fire within me that I only recently discovered was there. I've noticed that on this website there are a great many people who end up being something/someone entirely different than what they claim to be.. All I ask for is honesty. I can't bring myself to respect a person who feels the need to pretend that they are something other than what they truly are.. Intelligence and a sense of humour are also two things that I greatly value and respect.. And similar interests always help. ;) If you feel we'll get along, feel free to message me. I prefer real messages, rather than one liners that seem to include nothing but how you want me to debase you without regards to your wellbeing, or how you want to humiliate and torture me without regard to my own.. I have no desire to participate in such a thing, and I stand by my limits.. As I hope any submissives who contact me will stand by their own.

Just an update, and not much to say that is of any real consequence. Still job hunting, still studying off and on. It looks like I'm going to end up going to school for digital media.. What I'd really like to end up doing is forensic anthropology, but my next favorite choice is forensic photography.. So I'm going for that. ^_^

Mark's at his folk's for xmas, so I made peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies with the left over batter. Arwen ate half of them while I was outside smoking a cigarette. Note to self: Never leave cookies unattended with a houseful of dogs that have insatiable appetites.

In other news..

Well, there isn't much else in the way of other news.

Trying to cut back on smoking again. The holiday season wore on my willpower.Trying to get back into shape.. Yay for bikes.

Oh.. And I almost got killed by some idiot a few weeks ago, as I was trying to cross the street on my bike. Watch where you're effing going, jackbags!.. =(

I'm pretty much at the point where I know who my real friends are. The ones I've lost of my own volition.. Well, my fault. The ones that dropped me like a hot potato for one reason or another, such as siding with a mutual friend after a break up.. Screw 'em. The one's who I haven't talked to for awhile because I haven't made much of an effort to reach them, despite their attempts to reach me?.. Well, I'm sorry about that, and I'll try to get back in touch with everyone now that the insanity of the holidays is almost over. Best rest assured that, unlike certain other people, I won't blame you all for my inattentiveness, and lack of response to your invitations and messages., and make it seem as if you were just using me. After all, I'm nothing like certain other folks.

I'm tired, but can't sleep. I hate not having Mark around overnight. The bed feels so empty without him.. Even with two or more dogs in it. =P

On another note, completely unrelated to previous topics, I hate ants. I don't know how the little bastards end up crawling up my pants legs without my noticing it, but I've got bites all over my thighs, ankles, calves, and knees. Essentially, everywhere that it is possible to bite a leg.

Sp?!

<3333

Duckie... Ich liebe Sie. =D

In other news..

I think I need some violet wand time, if nothing else. Or a good flogging.

Maybe some rope?

Eh.. We'll see. ^_^;

In other news.. Again.. Not much going on. Mark and I are trying to adopt a puppy, but we aren't having much luck thus far.. We're hoping to get an adorable 8 month old brendel (sp?) Great Dane.. He's goofy looking.. =D Other than that.. Lots of cleaning and reorganizing going on.. Planning on a new study timeline.. Hoping to get into school by summer semester, get mandatory comp. classes out of the way or whatever else. Also trying to work out a fitness plan.. Avoiding all meat but fish and poultry, as much as possible..

Kitten ran away.. =(

Craving gator bite thingies.

Want a cigarette (trying to severely cut back), a beer, a good book, and a cuddle.. Not neccessarily in that order.

May just settle for a sleazy 70's sexploitation/gore type flick, a beer, and a cig. It works. ^_^;

So long, and thanks for all the fish!

luv unt spanx,
.jynxx.

My previous journal entry seems to have been somehow unclear.

I am not, I repeat NOT, searching for anyone at this time. I adore M, and am enjoying the process of seeing where our relationship goes. Throwing kink into the mix right now woulodn't be the best of plans. I do not need anyone to lead me, despite what many people seem to assume (based on a sudden onslaught of messages making that assumption.) I am taking a break from nearly all things BDSM. I can think of a single person that I have the go ahead to play with, and I am not even doing anything with them. I need and deserve this break. Please understand that.

I feel a sense of peace and contentment that I haven't known in a long time, as well as feeling happier than I have in years. M is wonderful. I don't want to play with or be with anyone but him. Not now, and not any time in the near future. Again, I ask you yo understand that. If you find yourself unable to do so, then at least respect it.

On another note:

So much to do this week! The Clan of Xymox show was last night and it was amazing. I got to film part of the show, AND go to sound check earlier in the day. =) The rest of the week will probablly be spent cleaning and getting ready for a friend's birthday, aside from working out a study schedule.

Signing into this site will probablly be sporadic, at best. Who knows when I'll update, but I'll try to make it as frequent as possible.

luv unt spanx,
Jynxx

Well, it's be awhile since I 've been on here. It's been almost exactly a month since I moved out of LD's place and that was the best decision I've ever made.

M is a wonderful guy.. I'm not exactly sure how things progressed so quickly, but I'm glad evreything has worked out the way that it has. LD and I sucked the life out of eachother.. M makes waking up in the morning a wonderful notion. I'm curious about how thins are going to progress, but in all honestly I'm happy the way things are right now. I couldn't ask for a better partner of any kind.

As for the kink side of things, I'm on quite a bit of a hiatus. Other than heading over to FB's for a little violet wand time, my life is fairly kink free. Six months ago I'd have laughed if someone had told me my life would be the way it is now. Job hunting, trying to study, planning for school, doing laundry with M, going out for drinks, awesome new additions to my life (human, feline, and ..dog? I can't say Ca-nin-e apparantly..), and.. No BDSM! I had gotten to the point where I was supremely unhappy, and kink was my Neverland. Realizing how unhealthy that was, I decided that it was time for a break. I haven't regretted it for an instant.

And now.. I shall pounce the boy.

So long, and thanks for all the fish!

PS:
If you somehow misunderstood any of this entry, let me make this clear:

My 'search' for people to share kinky pasttimes with is at an end. Friends will always be welcome, but please respect the fact that I'm not interested in play, at this time at least.

Moving today. =D

This is his only journal entry. It suddenly all makes sense. "What is it with the lack of respect on here? Slaves/Subs say you must earn it? laughs no lil ones you must prove yourselves worthy it's the sub/slave that always and I mean always is respectful." Wow. What a fucking moron. You will earn my respect, just like everyone else, or you don't deserve my submission. Or Dominance, for that matter. Jerk. >_<;

People amaze me. I should be grateful this guy blocked me. I guess he didn't want to be made to feel even more unintelligent. This is what I was trying to send him when he blocked me: First of all, I'd appreciate it if you didn't refer to me as 'lil one'. It's quite obvious which party in this conversation is the one with more maturity, and that person isn't you. So kindly address me with more respect. If you want to take a perfectly simple explaination, one I didn't have to grant you I might add, and twist it into some sort of justification, that is of course your perogative. There is nothing idiotic about having a profile for myself, and having one to share with a partner. If you had thoroughly read my previous message, you would have seen that the profile in question does in fact need to be deleted. However the reasoning for that isn't it's 'idicocy', as you refer to it, but the fact that it is now obsolete. My previous partner and I played both as a couple, and seperately. It makes perfect sense to have seperate profiles dedicated to those seperate goals. If you can't comprehend the concept of prudently dividing attention between seperate profiles with seperate intents, thus making it easier to have those profiles more concise in regards to their primary intent, then that isn't my problem. As to being an idiot, I'd sit back and consider just who is truly being an idiot. The person who is attempting to rationally divide two seperate intents into two seperate accounts dedicated to each respectively, or the gentleman who, at an age that you would have thought to be ingrained with respect and maturity, is sending rude and unintelligently typed messages. Not to mention the fact that they are obviously ill thought out and blatantly incorrect, focusing on an opinion which is based on an incorrect and immature assumption. Have a good day. These are the previous messages: ---------- on 8/12/08 at 12:34 PM: lol lil one justify it anyway you want people that do multi profiles are idiots.... Erotomania on 8/12/08 at 12:23 PM: Pardon me? That's a very immature message for someone of your years. I have two profiles, actually. One is my primary personal account. The other is a shared account with my partner, which is now obsolete and needs to be deleted. Where may I ask did you get the opinion that you have any right to be rude to someone whose reasoning for a particular thing are unknown to you? Perhaps in the future you should consider merely asking why I have two accounts. Or, even better, you should read them. One is quite obviously a personal account, and if you had read the other you would have known it was a couples account. Next time, cover all your bases before you send an irrelevant, and needlesly rude, message. Sincerely, Jynxx ----------- on 8/11/08 at 10:42 PM: lol how many profiles you need...such a moron

Endless nightmares last night. Should I tell of my dreams? Dreams are such a private thing, and yet I have trouble keeping them to myself. I already posted this on a board where they analyze dreams, but not response has been made as of yet. So, what the hell. I'll throw caution to the wind, as usual. Here's a general overview. I've been having a reccuring dream for nearly a year, since between my miscarriage and my ex and I breaking up. I have it at least once a week, usually more often. 1. It's a normal day. Chris (my ex) and I are hanging out, sometimes with our immediate group of friends. Everything is hunky-dory. This is usually at some outside location, generally a very beautiful place, somewhere to hike, camp, etc. 2. A storm strikes. The whole shebang, except for lightning (maybe because I associate that with Chris and I, and with natural beauty and energy.) Everyone goes away, and I'm alone in the dark. The space around me is filled with laughter and whispers, barely audible. I'm terrified, but seem to be held in place by some intangible force. 3. I hear Chris' voice. I call out to him, asking for help. The volume of the whispers and laughter raises as he speaks reassuringly to me. Something grabs my hand, and it's him. The voices and whispers cease. He wraps his arms around me, kisses the top of my head, and tells me it's okay. I hear a child crying. 4. We're suddenly at the top of a great staircase. The type you see in parking garages, with a huge empty drop down the center, open sides except for gaurdrails and concrete corner posts, and open back steps. The main difference is that It's about 14 floors high, and each level of the 'parking garage' is a scene from my past, and scenes that I don't recognize, but where I seem to be older. 5. The wind is whipping around us, my hair hitting my face and stinging like a thousand needles. He's standing as if no force could topple him, so steady and strong. I feel myself become unbalanced, and I hold on to him tighter to keep from falling down the stairs. He smiles, and pushes me over the guard rail. 6. I fall at what seems to be a slow pace, getting prolonged glimpses of each level of the 'garage'. As I fall, instinct kicks in, and I try to take control of the dream. I try to use a protective meditation type of technique that Chris helped me work on, which includes running down a hallway from whatever negative force I come up against. As I run, I throw levers, dropping a great steel door behind me after every 6 ft. or so. I forced the image into my dream and found myself in my hallway rather than falling. 7. I still feel as if my equilibrium has been completely skewed. As I run, throwing down levers, I hear running behind me. He's chasing me, and the voices are back. The baby is screaming, lonsome, starved, terrified, and helpless. Usually I shut 5 - 10 doors, and all is well. This time, I ran until I had lowered 30 - something of these doors until all sounds of pursuit faded. Something banged against the last door upon my dropping it, but it quickly faded away with the rest of the sounds. I collapse. 8. I 'wake' up where I started out the dream, with Chris sitting on the ground and my head on his lap. He's brushing my hair away from my face, telling me I'm going to be okay. I smile. There's something in the background I can't quite hear, but it sounds like the wind. Or whispering. I look at Chris in confusion and dawning fear. The dream isn't over, and it wasn't just a dream. He grins, and grabs my throat. I wake up.

..... I need to feel a collar around my throat, placed there by someone other than myself. I need to feel a hand in my hair, a flogger striking my back, and ropes leaving their after-images on my skin. I need to play. With him. But I can't. And I'm not ready to play with someone else, especially having hopes for a collar ripped away from me. I was going to name the kitten Topaz, after her eyes and LD's. I think I WILL name her Pandora, instead. Hope is the most dangerous thing a person can have. I just don't want to be here anymore. Very few people would miss me. But at the same time, I don't want to leave.

I miss Chris. All work and no play makes Amber feel nutso. Is there anyone who could take me to the SCA meetings? I havn't been in months, and I can't go with Chris. Hell, I can't fucking go anywhere now. I like my job, but it's just temporary. The bank has a hold on my account until they see how I make deposits, and I don't have the debit cards yet anyway. I'm still getting hatemail and threats. I miss my best friend. And I feel like a pariah. On the upside, at least I can go to work everyday. Almost everyday. And I get the bed on nights I have to work. Those are good things. I miss my cat.. And when I move out, I'll probablly have to leave the older one, since she's so old and probablly couldn't take the move. Hopefully I can adopt the black kitten from the new litter... There is an all gray boy, and make and female twins that are gray with white socks and chests... All fluffy, adorable, and sweet. If there's anyone who can adopt some, or all, let me know. As long as you don't have a snake, etc, that you plan on feeding them to. -_-; Opinions on potential names for the kitten? Facorites have a star in front of them. Persephone **Echo **Pandora Lenore **Gaz Brighit Nieth Sekhmet Annabel Lee **Asya - means "born in a time of grief" in Swahili. **Eurydice - tragic Greek heroine **Pygmallion Leila - "night" in Arabic Jezabel Morrigan **Ophelia **Titania - queen of the fairies in Shakespeare's Midsummer Night's Dream

I am getting extrordinarly sick of getting hatemail and threats on LDs behalf. Can I just disappear?

I found my vanilla collar, thankfully. Despite our altercation last night, I put it back on. It help me think. I wish I had just gone outside earlier, when I first thought about it, instead of waiting so long, letting things blow up, letting us say things we knew were hurtful or untrue or just said out of anger, frustration, and pain. Lostlostlostlostlost. ....

Well, as the result of what some heartless bitch said, I relapsed tonight. I was doing so well, considering what happened. But I relapsed, and I blame that on myself, no matter what the extenuating circumstances. LD as dropped the offer for my collar again. He's to angry to consider what something happened, except for drinking. But R is right. I must accept the good with the bad. I prayed so hard tonight. I never pray. I try to stop loving him, for his sake, but it isn't working. I want his collar so bad. And it isn't just a love thing. I think it'd be good for us, once we have a little time to heal after what happened on the 4th and tonight. But I think it'd be good for us. I wish he knew how sorry I was. But he'll never believe it. He'll take the bad, and not understand why. But that's okay. He's on the couch. I think that, this time, I will curl up with my collar and sleep. I can't find my vanilla collar. I think he may have taken it. My losses are too many. And they're my own damn fault/ So the pink and black collar it is. Good night.

Up for consideration again. I could barely keep still at work, today. xD

Was he just taking it back because he was angry? How could he do that? I don't even quite understand how a fight started. I was concerned, I made an apology, and we fought. And he took it back. I hope he reconsiders. Because now, I just.. I want to curl up with my collar and cry. Preferablly without him around. If doesn't see it, he can't think I'm faking. And maybe it's better like that. He's upset with me for going 'behind his back' to talk to R about what happened. He's always saying I need to find someone else I could talk to, other just just him. Well, I needed someone to talk to, I chose someone other than him, and now he's upset about it. I'm so confused. I want to use the restroom and get a drink, but I don't want to leave the room. I can't exactly leave it clutching this damn collar, but I don't want to let it go. Christ. Previous entry- quotes that are directly BDSM related that I agree with, or that aren't directly related, but portray a feeling I have regarding it. Damndamndamn. I need a hug.

Stars hid your fires. Let not light see my black and deep desires. ~ From The Talented Mr. Ripley "Intimacy is based on shared vulnerability...nothing deepens intimacy like the experiences that we share when we feel flayed, with our skins off, scared and vulnerable, and our partner is there with us, willing to share in the scary stuff" ~ From The Ethical Slut by Dosie Eastman and Katherine Liszt. If you can't beat 'em?. let them beat you.. ~ Courtesy of Xaveness Being your slave, what should I do but tend Upon the hours and times of your desire? I have no precious time at all to spend, Nor services to do till you require. ~ William Shakespeare The Master gives the gift of control. The slave gives the gift of submission. ~ Master S. A sadist is someone who refuses to be mean to a masochist. ~ Anon We tend to think of the erotic as an easy, tantalizing sexual arousal. I speak of the erotic as the deepest life force, a force which moves us toward living in a fundamental way. ~ Audre Lorde A continual atmosphere of hectic passion is very trying if you haven't got any of your own. ~ Dorothy L. Sayers There was no reality to pain when it left one, though while it held one fast all other realities faded. ~ Rachel Field We are the masters of words we've never spoken and the slaves of the ones we have. ~Sandra West Prowell, in When Wallflowers Die You see what power is - holding someone else's fear in your hand and showing it to them! ~ Amy Tan Submission without domination is when you keep doing what he wants even after he keeps insisting he doesn't want it. Domination without submission is when he keeps telling you to do something and you keep telling him to fuck off. ~ Linda When the combination of all needs are met through the Dominant mind, the true satisfaction of the submissive need is met from her strengths to endure, to overcome and to heighten her every sense of being. ~ Amber I could spend my life in this sweet surrender. ~ Aerosmith I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling all that I am capable of doing but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding. ~ Anais Nin There are rituals of lust and joy and pain and fear. These, forced to extremes, meld in the mind, and in that melding they may make or dissolve our egos, bodies, or spirits. ~ Raven Greywalker (Lilith) I have found alternating roles to yield the most intense results as this develops the dynamic of master and slave within. As within, so without. This mirroring between interior and exterior culminates in an orgasm of transcendance in which one is no longer defined by the limitations of an either/or neither/nor universe. ~ Raven Greywalker (Lilith) Pain in itself is only sensation and it is our attitudes of resistance to it, and fear, that make it uncomfortable. These attitudes are conditioning and can be released, or simply traded for more fulfilling attitudes. Acceptance and gratitude. Offer it love, instead. ~ Mystress Angelique Serpent in Why Seek Painful Experiences? How does a master center a slave? Being centered is a Zen term that means a person is balanced, calm, healthy, peaceful, grounded, nourished. Some might see it as a relaxed state, one of calm, creative, full of the realization of being well-off, in communion with one's self and one's environment? How does a master center a slave? He does it by creating, with his slave, a right relationship, that is, one in which each is free to be him or herself; one with openness, honesty, and clarity of purpose. Centering comes from having a clear focus, mutual support, encouragement, and purpose. ~ Jack Rinella in SM Leather A slave submits primarily to her own nature? That she requires a material, extrovert focus for her submission, i.e. the dominant, does not alter the fact that on the spiritual level her submission is essentially introverted. One could say that through the dominant she submits to herself by proxy? Each makes the other possible, tied together as they are in symbiotic interdependence. ~ J. Mikael Togneri in Spirituality In Slavehood

Things have just changed again. To wear his collar.. I don't know what to do. I can't decide if his reasons for wanting it are enough.. Are right, alone. What should I do?,, Le sigh. On a fun note.. He and I are listed on the FetCon attending models page. =P

I crave release. The sound of a whip flying through the air, the sensation of soft skin trembling beneath my hand. I want to hurt him, please him, break him apart, and rebuild him. That is the kind of release I want and need. BUt instead, I'll read a book, surf the net, and daydream about it.

A note on human nature (primarily women). Why is it that the slightest imagined slight gives rise to feelings of superiority? One woman does something that you take as personal insult, when none is intended, and you feel the right to act superior, righteous in your anger and rude behavior, and back biting. You say one thing, and do anther. You develop little fantasties about someone, and feel as if that automatically means you have a chance with them. Women, cut it out. Noone is your personal property.. Unless that's agreed upon, of course. =P Not everyone is going to want you, and taking each person's lack of interest as a personal slight is going to bring you nothing but unneeded stress. Unless, of course, there really is something wrong with you. Like being crazy and pretentious. That always sucks.

Sometimes, I think, love is the most painful thing someone can ever experience, along with it being the most wonderful. And I don't mean just plain old ordinary love. I'm talking about "Love" with a capital "L". That wonderful, brutal thing that so many people spend their lives searching for, but can never find. What if you find love and it ends badly? Is it selfish to hope to find it again, when so many people never have felt it at all? What if you can't let go of that love? If you try to kill it off, but you can still feel it burning somewhere deep inside, somewhere close enough to brush your fingers against, but you can't quite grasp it enough to choke the rest of the life out of it. What if you finally brush your fingertips against this stubborn, elusive thing, and all it does is make you realize how much you don't want to lose it? It's all a big play, isn't it? We're God's private theatre company, acting out the struggles of our lives for his amusement. Enter stage left. I don't want to be another bit part in his cosmic comedy-drama. I don't want to be the sole starring role in my own little world. I want to feel. I want to love. And I don't want to lose. But we all lose in the end, don't we? How long can we truly hold on to something that brings us so much joy, but so much pain at the same time? How do you look at the man you hurt so terribly, so accidentally, and tell him what you feel? Is it possible? Do you let him know, and damn the consequences, or do you sit there and hold him as he tells you he's lonely, the whole time screaming inside, "Don't be lonely! I'm here, I love you, and I won't leave you! Just please, please notice...? I sit there and silently scream. While God sits back in his recliner and flips through the channels, watching my pain, his struggle, and their laughter. Poker face, don't fail me now. Who am I kidding...? I could never hide that well. And I don't want to hide anymore. I want to be successful. I'm happy, but I'd be happier with him. I want to live, and laugh, and love. I want to dance like there's no one watching, sing like there's no one listening, and love like there's no tomorrow. I want to hold him, dance with him, laugh with him, and whisper sweet nonsense in his ear. I want to be there for him, whether he's feeling lost or feeling wonderful. God, put down your remote control, and actually listen. These are our lives, not little skits in your puppet show. We're human, and feel, and hurt, and love. We aren't your tattered marionettes on frayed string. How do you tell him that you want to beat him, and use him, and break him into a million pieces? That you want to hold him and help him put himself back together. How do you say, "I'm not really feeling all that submissive, it's just a defense mechanism. I really want to throw you over the saw horse and torture your balls until you cry." How do you say goodbye to a love that doesn't want to leave. How do you make someone see that you love them unconditionally? That you'd give up the world for them. And then the silence. The silence between sentences, while you shove your hurts out into the world for me to see, to listen, to comfort and understand. The beating of my heart, frantic, uncertain, wanting to make all of your hurts go away... and not being able to. Wanting to scream "I'm here, dammit! -I- love you! I notice you, and I love every bit of you, the good and the bad. You mean the world to me!" But I can't say it. My heart still thuds against my chest, straining to escape, reach out for you. My vision is blurry, now. And the only sound when you stop talking is that of the fan spinning and the fabric of your t-shirt rustling while I rub your back. I sit at the computer now, while you restlessly try to sleep. I'm trying to figure out how to make your pain go away, but I can't. I can just be here. And I hope it's enough. My love isn't enough anymore. But I can be constant. I can be here when you need me, even if you don't want me. And I can love you, even if you can't love me. But at least you know that there is in fact someone who loves and cares about you, who treasures every moment spent with you, ever smile and glance exchanged. God, you can turn the channel now. I'm sure you're getting bored with my monologue. Life. Tragedy, Comedy, Drama, Romance, Horror, Thriller. It is what it is. Now what should I make of it? Exit, stage left.

Do people have no lives?! Same person. =P on 6/26/08 at 4:56 PM: you need a good spanking young lady. on 6/26/08 at 2:02 PM: I would eat an entire bucket of shit just for a chance to sniff your asshole.

The official first jerk of the new day. Whatever will he say next?! Updating as the messages come, for reader enjoyment. =P Erotomania on 6/26/08 at 6:38 AM: Hahahahaha! FOUR INCHES!?!?!? Good Lord. The guy I play with now is twice that long, and more likely than not, twice as thick. You poor, poor man. on 6/26/08 at 6:37 AM: 4 inches is hardly "tiny" but thanks for your input....you silly girl Erotomania on 6/26/08 at 6:36 AM: Gladly. I apologise for sending you a message that you lack the ability to comprehend. Let me put it across in a more mundane fashion. You = Stupid, Cliche, Rude. Your Penis = Lacking in impressive length and girth. Oops, sorry, I mean.. It's tiny. Any other messages from me will be: Insulting. Bye! on 6/26/08 at 6:33 AM: There you go again with the books.....again, skim that down to a reasonable paragraph if you want me to read it. Thanks. Erotomania on 6/26/08 at 6:31 AM: People who are truly interested in this lifestyle, who have an I.Q. higher than that of a Miniature Pinscher, generally have little problem with seeing a well written and informative profile. If someone doesn't at least get the gist of it, especially what I expect of people contacting me (primarily as a course of ettiquete, as well as to weed out the idiots and thrill-seekers), then I wouldn't have wanted them to message me in the first place. From your grossly disrespectful, unintelligent, and cliche inital message, I'll assume that you didn't take the time to thoughtfully look through my profile or journal. Perhaps your messages would be more well recieved if you took the time to write a concise, intelligent, and ORIGINAL message, rather than one whose worth amounts to more than that of the dirt that gets trampled beneath my boots. When you can take the time to put yourself across as an interesting and intelligent individual, perhaps I'll be more likely to welcome contact from you. Until that happens, which I don't see being anywhere in the near or distant future, the only messages I send you after this will be either to inform you of the fact that you will be blocked, or to insult your intelligence. Or should I say lack thereof. Have a good morning. Jynxx P.S. Just so you don't harbor any more inane thoughts of how large I may think your dick is, I can assure you that from the look of it in your picture, it isn't much more impressive than a Pomeranian with a Napolean Complex. on 6/26/08 at 6:23 AM: You should really think about shortening it. I don't think people come on this site to read a book Erotomania on 6/26/08 at 6:21 AM: Too small for me. Try reading my profile before sending me a message, asshole. on 6/26/08 at 6:18 AM: What's up. Im wondering how big you think my dick is? (This initial message was, of course, accompanied with a photo of a rather unimpressive penis. =D)

IDIOT ALERT!!!! =P on 6/25/08 at 11:31 PM: Bend over and drop your panties. Erotomania on 6/25/08 at 10:02 PM: What I need is for people to learn how to read a profile, and how to send an intelligent message. So creepy you are. Jynxx on 6/25/08 at 7:11 PM: So, young and tender you are. on 6/24/08 at 9:10 PM: You need a spanking. on 3/27/08 at 1:08 AM: When was your last orgasm?

Completely miserable, at the moment. I miss him. Terribly. And having him back will never be an option, because he won't let it be. I understand, even though I wish it wasn't so. But I still miss him.

Happy 21st to me. xD

Why am I having so much fun with this prick? Not that he's doing my migraine any good. Oh, well. Back to play A Bard's Tale. LD's taste in video games definitely suits him.. xD I've never seen a more amusing ribald games. Although.. Some of these bosses are annoying as heck. Then again, the other monsters aren't much better. xD I know I'll have to be a big girl and block him soon, but this is just too much fun. LD will probablly chastise me when he gets home, but.. Hey, I'm bored. =D And now, for your viewing displeasure! Erotomania on 6/8/08 at 7:25 PM: First of all, there is a big difference between an excuse, an explaination, and a desire to educate someone with far less of a capacity for knowledge than oneself. Secondly, why on earth would I want to give someone such as yourself my contact information? Have you considered that not everyone has a working webcam, or if they do, that they wouldn't want to cam with you? My God, you can't even write a proper sentence. Have you ever heard of capitalization? Proper punctuation? Proper grammar, or spelling even? Oooh, how about this.. Sentence structure! Perhaps one day you'll realize that lacking an interest in you is not equivalent to not being what a person says they are. Do your research, and learn a thing or two about manners and the English language, before professing surety of something you have no idea of. I really should block you, but I'm having far too much fun at your expense. So, what's next? A shot at my gender again? Perhaps just a poorly chosen jumble of what you seem to think are sentences, and a plethora of obcenities? Come on now, don't disappoint me. You've made such a WONDERFUL impression already! Don't ruin it now by running off! ******* on 6/8/08 at 6:30 PM: ic dude... and after u typed all these excuses... why didnt u just give yahoo name and flip on web cam??????????////

On another note.. Why is it that someone who has made it clear that she really isn't looking for anything but possible friendship is accused of being 'fake'? Weirdos.

Ahh, the wretched, huddling masses of stupidity. This series of messages strengths my conviction that potential parents should be required to take parenting and intelligence tests PRIOR to attempting to concieve. Anyone who proves themself a complete and utter idiot should be sterilized, and required to have a giant "S" for stupid branded on their forehead. Erotomania on 6/8/08 at 4:32 PM: Ah, the intelligent of the masses. 1) I don't speak like a man. If I did, and I really was just a man pretending to be a woman, I'd be hurling obscenities at you. 2) If there is anyone who probablly has a fake profile, it's you with you're bodybuilder photographs. Howver, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, for a few reasons. a) At least one of those pictures is a crappy webcam shot. b) You have an unimaginative and cliche profile, or should I say lack of a profile. Then again, that could be a point against you. Who am I kidding. It is a point against you. 3) If you had bothered to actually look at them for more than the second it took you to decide that I'd be 'fuckable', you'd realize that it is very unlikely that they are fake pictures, or stolen ones. That's ignoring the fact that you are completely ignoring my couples profile, and that the partner I share said profile with has his own private one as well. 4) Fake people, people pretending to be other people, generally don't have complete profiles, or full journals. You definitely need a dose of reality. Why is it typical of the men.. No, excuse me, I really should say 'boys', regardless of age.. on this website to accuse a woman of being a man, or of being a 'dyke', when they realize they'll get nothing from them? It's quite shameful. But then, I doubt you have a single bone in your body that holds more than an ounce of common sense. Why on earth am I bothering justfiying myself to an ape? Goodbye. -Jynxx **** on 6/8/08 at 3:38 PM: lol ok dude... the fake girl in pic still looks like a great fuck Erotomania on 6/8/08 at 1:51 AM: Not very mature for a man of your age, are you? And no, I'm absolutely not a real person. That's why I also have an account with my partner, featuring pictures with us together, multiple pictures on this account, and.. Oh, the list could go on and on. Please spare me your pathetic attempts at a come on. If you don't have the deceny and respect to read someone's profile, and take heed of what it says, prior to mailing them, then you shouldn't be on this website. Then again, I shouldn't be suprised, should I? Most of the people on this site, unfortunately, are of the simple minded and undesireable sort. And you know what they say about birds of a feather.. You know.. Fucking up... I mean.. Flocking.. Together. Have a nice evening, Mister poor excuse for a human being. Oh, and next time? When you decide to pester an individual on this website, at least pick someone who's profile seems as shallow and ape-like as your personality appears to be. So long, and thanks for all the fish. (In case you didn't know, not only was that a movie reference, but it was sarcasm! I'm sorry.. Do you need a dictionary? I'd suggest Mirriam-Webster's dictionary or website, but as they both contain misspellings, that might confuse you. So (as usual, I'm sure) you're on your own. ..Didn't human beings evolve from apes ages ago? I guess the evoluntionary process missed one. ***** on 6/7/08 at 11:14 PM: lol nope still look lie ka great fuck if ur in deed real female Erotomania on 6/7/08 at 10:04 PM: Does noone have the ability to actually read a profile or journal before messaging someone? A little originality would be a nice change, as would a lot less crudity. -Jynxx **** on 6/7/08 at 2:20 PM: hey u look liek a great fuck

*snickers* Aaaaandddd.. Another one! No, I do not want to make you moan like a whore. And congrats on your yellow panties. I hate yellow. ^_^ On another note.. TMT was awesome. ^_^

A quick note, before I get back to last minute TMT stuff: Do not, I repeat do NOT, send me a friend request without sending me a decent message PRIOR to sending the request. Wait until I respond to you. I'm not collecting friends that I will never meet. If I enjoy speaking with you, you will be added. I am sort of bad at remembering to do these things, though. So, if we'd continued a conversation (meaning more than a single message back and forth), go ahead and send me a request. I'll accept, or I won't. I reserve to right to boot you from my friend circle at anytime, for excessive stupidity and any other reason I consider valid. And now.. Back to our regularly scheduled program..

Well, there goes the account freezing! =) The sad thing is.. I didn't even report their profiles. I find it amusing that someone else did. I also find it strange that LD's own post was curiously disregarded. Looks like I'm a target. Again. As if I should be suprised. On another note, TMT is this weekend! Tomorrow we're going to C and L's place so we can check on the cabin tent, Chris can maybe work with L on more armor stuff, and I can work with C to turn that fits-like-a-tent bright blue heavy dress into a better fitting, easier to be cool in, sideless surcoat. I need to remember to pick up stuff for lacing, cord to lace with, a trim for it at Joann's before we go. I guess I'll have to wait for another time to make the bodice dress. Meh. Birthday's coming soon! We're celebrating at TMT. Drinking, wenches, and drunken singing. Have to love it. I need to remember to ask Master Cecil about doing some needle play. It looks awesome! Some random things I had no idea i'd end up enjoying: Cattleprod Knife play And now- Violet wand! Wee! Now.. Back to my retarted recent obsession with neopets. So long, and thanks for all the fish!

I don't know how to feel right now. I can tell that there is still something he isn't telling me. He never was any good at that stuff with me. It still all seems so incomplete at the moment, that there's still something there. Well, even if there is, he'll be damned before he lets it grow into anything else. Well, he got his wish. At this point, I don't have an interest in being his girlfriend again, no matter how much I love him. It's nice to know that you aren't worth a second shot. And not just that you aren't worth a second shot, but that what you ARE worth is a singleminded determination for someone to never let themselves feel for you again. But I have a big problem with having to change how I treat him in public for the sake of people who can't keep their opinions to themselves. But, there it goes again. I care about him, so I do it. Why he gives a shit is beyond me. He thinks I bite his head off for unreasonable things. Nope. I bite his head off when I know he's not telling me something. Or more specifially, when he says there's nothing wrong, it has nothing to do with me, and there is and it does. I can't remember the last time I lied to him. I wish he'd be completely honest with me. He's the one who said that lying by ommission is as bad as a direct lie. And jeeze.. Use your own damn condoms. Don't hide the fact that you have them from me. If you actually use them, I don't care. What I care about is you being all ninja-like in your pursuits. Do what you want, honey. On another, related subject, I don't like the feeling of being walked all over to get to someone else. Which is exactly the reason why Annie never got any shit from me when she said she was interested in Chris. She was honest, talked to me, and would have never stepped on, hurt, or disrespected to me to get what she wanted. Find a girl that isn't a bitch to me, and you'll find one who I won't be a bitch about. Why would anyone want anything to do with someone who had no care about someone you care about's feelings anyway? Damn.. Just be honest with me! Stop seeing all the bad, for christ sakes.. I'm still here. me. The girl you loved, all that nice sweety flowery shit. I wish you'd see me instead of actions induced by something that I couldn't really control. As far as I'm concerned.. I know there are still things unresolved. I know there are things I'm not being told. And I know there's more to this than you will probablly ever admit to anyone, let alone me. But so be it. I recently realized that no matter how much I love you, it's bad for ME to want someone who's that ready to throw away even the slim possibility, in the future, of something being good between us again. I don't fault you for that honey, but do you have any idea how that makes me feel? Not worth it. And that's what hurts. Because it seems like I never am. ..Just be honest. I deserve that respect, sleeping and playing together or not. Don't throw shit in my face in a way that seems like you're trying to hurt me, even if you're not. But come on.. I'm human. I hurt. If you want to see that as drama, than fine. I've never asked you to think only of my reaction (of course, the worst possible one) before you do something. All I ask is that you stop and think "Is there a chance she could see this, and it really hurt? Yes? Well, maybe I should wait" or "Maybe I should go where she wont just walk by my". Or "Wow, this girl is being a bitch to/hurting/whatever someone I care about. Do I really want to have this person around, when Amber's getting nothing but bad shit out of it?" I don't give a fuck what you do. I do, however, give a fuck when I'm hurt unneccessarily in the process. I love you. I want to keep sleeping with you, playing with you, being with you, and yeah. I have fun at playing at being Lady to your Lord at SCA events. But don't worry. I don't want you back. That may change. And I do miss you in that sense. But I don't want you back. Partially because I need to get on with it for MY sake, not just yours. And partially because I've come to the conclusion that I'm not good enough anymore. Maybe I never was. In any case.. That you for the necklace. I know it meant something to you, and it means a great deal to me. If it ever stops meaning something, or comforting me.. You'll be getting it back. *hugs*

And now for this jackass. Are you a pain/ pleasure slut my dear? Here is the way you will serve me. I arrange for us to meet at a hotel room, and I inform you to arrive in a business suit, looking like a frigid, cold asexual woman who thinks she is in charge. You walk in the room and I close the door behind you. I immediately grab your arm and I spin you around, bending your arm high behind your back, exerting painful pressure on the joint, causing a small cry to escape your lips. I slap your face and I bit your ear as I whisper, you will be my cum receptacle my dirty cunt; just as you are meant to be! You are a nasty little cunt and you will be used today as you were born to be! I throw your to the floor on your stomach and I place my knee in the small of your back, as I place an electric dog collar around your neck. I say if you try to remove this I will shock you and bring you to your knees my dirty cunt. I give you a couple of shocks of increasing intensity to test your pain threshold then I jerk you to your feet. I order you to strip like a dirty cunt, giving you a shock with the order. You talk off all your clothes, and I walk around you looking at your body. I comment you are not the best looking dog bitch I have used, so your pain will be greater to increase my pleasure slut. I give you a rabbit punch in the stomach, not enough to hurt you, but enough to cause you to lose your breath, and wipe the slight smile off your face. I grab your hair and I pull your head back as I say tell your Master, are you anything more than a dirty cunt? You respond slowly and not very forcefully, so I throw you to the floor and I punch you in the back over your lower back twice. I then shock you for one complete minute, as tears well in your eyes. I bark at you get up you piece of shit and stand tall before your Master. I walk around you again, this time pinching and pulling on your nipples, then spreading your legs and slapping your pussy. I look in your eyes as I lean into your face and say I am going to pierce your labia and place a ring in it. Whenever your serve me and you are nude, you will be lead around by a chain attached the ring, for you are nothing but a cunt to be used for my pleasure. How do you answer your Master? I see a fearful look in your eyes as you say Yes Master. I kiss your lips and then I bit your lip, nearly drawing blood. Tell Master, are you his worthless cunt? Are you his whore to use however he pleases for his fun? This time you answer loudly I am a cunt dog and Master's toy. I will always serve and please Master. I smile more broadly this time and I kiss you passionately as I suck your tongue in my mouth and I say good girl, Master is pleased. I bend your arm around and I push you on the bed, as I give you a shock on your neck. I tie your hands and feet up behind you so you cannot move in an way. I then remove from a bag of toys a huge butt plug and a bottle of beer. I take the bottle of beer, and I have a small drink, then I place my cock against your mouth and I order you to open your mouth. You start to try and suck my cock, and I slap your face and shock you as I say I did not tell you to suck Master's cock yet you worthless cunt! I pour beer down my cock and it runs in your mouth as I hold my cock right in front of you. I then walk behind you and I pull your ass open and I slide the bottle in your asshole. You start to scream and I shock you and say beg Master to stretch your ass my dirty cunt? You are begging and pleading and crying as I stick the bottle up your ass. You feel beer in your ass, mixing with the nasty juice of your ass. After a few minutes I roll you on your side, and I remove the bottle, I then walk around to your face and I make you drink the ass tainted beer. You are a nasty cunt and your Master loves you as his nasty cunt. It is what you were born to be and all you are and should be. You drink the beer and then smile and say yes Master. I then proceed to shock your pussy and your tits with another collar as I make you beg me to fuck you. I tell you when I feel you have groveled and begged enough the pain will stop. I then take a small needle and I stick on under and through both nipples. I shock your neck and I tell you to beg me to pierce your pussy and place the ring there I told you about. You beg me as I shock and beat you and call you a nasty whore dog. I then pierce your labia with a needle and I place a small gold ring there to which I can attach a string or chain to. I walk around and I make you beg for me cock, then I fuck your face, gagging you. I tell you if you puke I will hurt you, yet I shove my cock down your throat and I make you puke. I smile wickedly as I shock your neck and your pussy and I slap your face. I then push the butt plug up your ass causing you to scream. I push it in and out stretching your ass as you have never had it stretched before. I then push it in, and I light a candle and drip wax all around your asshole and the exposed skin of your pink little ass, causing you to cry. I then spend the next 10 minutes shocking you with increasing levels,making you beg me to fuck you because you are nothing but a dirty whore. I walk around behind you and I untie the ropes and I remove the butt plug. I shove my cock in your ass and I ride you as I spank and hit you and pull your hair. I make you beg for my cum, and then I pull out and I shove my cock down your throat as my cock pulses and throbs filling your mouth with cum. You greedily lick it all up as I smile at you and I kiss your cheek where tears have run down your face and I say your Master is proud of you and cherishes you as his slut and his prize possession! Master **** (Name removed to protect the stupid) ... Why, oh why, are people such idiots? And that was a first message. Of course, it is more likely than not a copy/paste type of deal. And people wonder why I periodically get fed up with CM and start ignoring everyone. >_<

Any opinions on this gem of a guy? ******* on 5/2/08 at 12:41 PM: I wasnt trying to endear my self to anyoen, only educate, however you are like most Floridians and are just kinky without wanting knowledge. A Dominant is just that Dominant, he/she will not submit in an form. So there is no such thing as a switch, get that into your Floridian head and you may start t learn and grow. I doubt it though if you are going to be with little boys who think they are switches and havent knowledge themselves. Erotomania on 5/2/08 at 2:48 AM: Ah, I get it. You're one of those 'uber doms'. Someone who truly understood this lifestyle would realize that everyone has their own preferences, which is perfectly fine. No one person feels exactly the same as another about this thing or that. I'm a switch, and I can assure you I'm not 'playing at' anything. With some people, I feel naturally submissive. That's different with others. If you have such a problem with switches then why on earth did you message me, when my profile plainly states that I am indeed a switch. Or is it just that I'm female, and he's not, so it's a different story? I'm fairly certain his little finger contains more accurate knowledge and understanding of this lifestyle and it's various idiosyncracies than you've learned in you're time of involvement in the BDSM scene. I could be wrong. But even if that is the case, from what you say, he at least has more of an emotional comprehension of BDSM and what it entails than you do. As for this talk of souls.. Noone truly knows what the soul is, it's function or purpose, or even if it truly exists. Is it spiritual? Does it come down to a solely scientific point of view? So NO ONE can say one way or another what an individual's "soul" is inclined to. If you look at it from a theological standpoint.. Technically speaking anyone involved in this type of activity or sexual preference would have their soul damned, more likely than not because of peversity or some other similarly ridiculous reason. Ah.. And please don't take that as an opportunity to argue theology and spirituality with me. He has a degree in theology, I'll just let him take care of that if that's the case. Putting down a woman's partner is not a way to endear yourself to her, if that's what you were intending. I should also add that I don't like people who act as if their word is their own personal gospel, as if their know it alls, or continue a possible conversation by all but insulting my partner. You don't know him, nor do you know me. If you're actually seeking a partner of any kind on this website, I'd suggest you be more prudent when considering how your words will effect someone's initial opinion of you. Have a good evening, Jynxx ***** on 5/1/08 at 7:38 AM: Then he doesnt know since no real lifestyler is a switch only those playing at it, because ones soul is one way or the other. Erotomania on 4/30/08 at 3:18 PM: Actually, he knows very well what a Dominant is.. Aside from the fact that he isn't one/. He's a switch. When commenting on my journal, please be sure to read all of it. -Jynxx ****** on 4/30/08 at 2:49 PM: Good luck with LD, lets hope he actually knows what a DOminant truly is and isnt just another Floridian. Erotomania on 12/30/07 at 10:26 AM: I agree.. I've run to more than a few of those people, on both sides.. Both genders. lol. It is unfortunate. I'm lucky enough to have a group of friends within the fetish community that I trust and can rely on.. And that can function in the vanilla world.. I've met far too many people, even leaders within the local BDSM scene, that find it difficult if not impossible to function in a non-BDSM related setting.

I should have known that my last entry would do no good. Although I did get ONE message that showed quite clearly that someone DID read at least a fair amoount of my journal entries.. And my profile. It was actually amusing and interesting, too. =P On another note.. I've admitted to LD that I'd like to be considered for His collar.. And we started playing again last night! FOr the first time in awhile, I've finally felt like I was where I needed to be... Lets hope it works out. Although.. Damn that time of the month for having shoddy timing!

Hahaha. Apparantly, my not being interested in casual sex with a guy who sent me a rude, explicit one liner for his first message is indicative of my being a 'dyke'. A note to all the idiots (not that you actually read my profile or journal prior to messaging me - if what you send could be considered a real message at all).I have a regular (MALE) play partner. While I do enjoy the sight of naked women,and women whose clothes I can in fact remove, I am in no way a lesbian. I'll swing any way of interest, actually. =D My lack of interest in you means only one of a few possibilites.. Or all of them.. Or something completely different! 1) You seem to be one of the dullest people who's profile I ever laid eyes on. Sorry folks, but boring people just don't do it for me. And by boring I mean a lack of personality, insight, interests, and communication skills. No, your one liner about wanting to fuck me with a ceramic egg does not count as an interesting example of communication. Your one liner about wanting a 'no-strings licking' and assfucking from me doesn't count either. 2) We have none of the same interests. While I do enjoy making friends of every type under the sun, the thought of sleeping or playing with someone who shares no, or just one, common interest with me is just odd. No thanks. If I'm going to casually do something with you- I'd appreciate it if it were something I'd actually like. 3) You're 8265987625 miles away. I'm sorry, but if you're out of the range of easy transportation, I'm not interested. Sort of hard to get to know someone in person that is rediculously difficult to SEE in person. And unfortunately , the gifts of bi-location and teleportation have yet to be bestowed upon me. If you can somehow arrange that, perhaps we can talk. 4) You are blatantly rude. Definite turn off. Need I say more? Eh, I will anyway. If reading your message(s) inspires in me the desire to kick you in the face with my bootheel (and not in a pleasant way), then why on earth would I want to play or sleep with you? I generally have no interest in a sexual encounter with someone who makes me find a huge ettiquite book, and chuck it at them. 5) You can't type/speak with at least a little intelligence. Intelligence is a turn on for me. Difficulty writing a simple sentence, and then proceeding to butcher it, is most definitely not. I'm sorry folks, but don't bother expecting a reply if by reading your message I'm overcome with the urge to send you a copy of Hooked on Phonics. Or maybe a Speak and Spell. 6) Last but not least.. I'm currently NOT interested in casual encounters. I'm simply seeking friends, understanding of myself, and knowledge about BDSM in general. That does not extend to sleeping with a guy claiming to be an uber dom (which is most likely an indication that you are NOT an uber dom), and who wants to shove fruit up my ass. Yep, someone actually sent me that. Now, I'm sure there are plenty more reasons for my rejecting you, but these stand out the most at the moment. So if you contact me, please keep the following rules in mind. -Read my profile. All of it. -Have at least 3 common interests. -Don't be expecting a free blow job. -Have at least half-way decent grammatical skills. -Send me a message that gives me a reason to reply to you, not a one liner that makes me want to kick you. -Be polite. Everyone deserves respect. If you are a Dom, you will have to earn that respect like everyone else. If you're a sub, don't be pushy. Let me deserve respect, rather than acting like I'm your Goddess straight off from the beginning. If you don't follow these rules, expect payback in kind. This could be blocking your account, a scathing entry in my journal making fun of you, maiming you with the tack hammer that I just might steal from LD, or a package containing a speak and spell. I have a feeling there will be another entry like this, soon enough. I really should make this simple, though. Stupid, Ignorant, Cheap, Undignified, Rude, Annoying people!... GO AWAY. There is an invisible no trespassing sign on my profile.. And violators WILL be shot. And pelted with English books.

If anyone who reads this knows the situation, please read it ALL and try to understand where I'm coming from, rather than making assumptions. All I ask for is a genuine attempt at understanding. I'm done. I think I'm done with kink. I think I'm done ith caring. I think I'm done with trying to make people realize that you CAN simlutaneously UNDERSTAND the reasons for something but STILL be hurt by it. I'm done with trying to explain to people that no, I am NOT refusing to lets everything go and move on. I'm STRUGGLING with dealing with everything all at once, so I can get on with my life, and it is fucking DIFFICULT. I'm not crying because of no more sex (for now, or forever). I'm not neccisarily crying because I may not ever play with you again, although it does indeed hurt. I'm crying because it doesn't seem like I have the right to be upset. And.. I'm upset because I've settled in this room.. It's become our room, couple or not, and it's familiar, it's comfortable. I hate the idea of losing that comfort. I'm not clinging to you being in the same room as me. I'm clinging to a comforting space. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting comfort, either. I am so almost done with kink. I'm almost done with everything else, as well. It's like noone wants to see how hard of a time I'm having trying to get over and past everything, trying to cope. They just want to see whats happened in the past, what they assume I'm going to do, or assume is going to happen. And on top of all of that, while they acknowledge that most of these things happened because of something that was wrong with me, something I could NOT fix, it doesn't seem to matter. What matters is that these things happened. Not that I don't remember the majority of it, not that I was and still am SICK, not that things spiraled out of control and I couldn't do a damn thing to stop it. Because I couldn't see it or understand it until it was too late. I 'betrayed' you. I hurt you. I disappointed you. And I'm sorry. More sorry than you'll ever know. That's why it hurts all the much fucking more. But think of this: I was sick. I hurt myself. I threw away everything that was the most dear to me. I lost people I loved, and almost lost everyone. I lost myself. I lost who and what I am. And I'm still sick. I'm trying to cope with that, and cope with healing, and cope with understanding, and cope with moving on, and cope with getting my life in order. ALL AT ONCE. On top of getting an even worse stab in the heart amidst all of this attempted coping: finding out it was yours. Do you think that's any easier than what you endured? It's different, but it's not any easier. Not by a long shot. I'm not belittling what all of you endured, not in the slightest bit. But I ask you this: As difficult as it was to endure, would it have been any different if you had known then what was occurring? If you'd understood my 'sickness' at that time, would it have affected your response? Or would you still have set aside the cause of all of it? In the beginning, the stress you endured because of me was due to my depression. I should have talked to you right away, so we could have dealt with it. but that in itself, I was quitely working on, and you would have seen it soon enough. But that one thing.. The thing that tore me apart, ripped the ground up from underneath me, and twisted my thought process in a multitude of painful ways... While I take responsibility for everything that happened after that, as I must do because they were still my own actions and words (or lack thereof), I also understand that I was -not- in my right mind. Amber wasn't really home anymore. And the days she was... Well, they were one of two things, generally. Really good days, or quiet days filled with tears. And fear. And pain. And loss. Place what blame on me is deserved. But keep in mind what I was then. What part of me still is. because what I have doesn't just disappear at will. It could last up to a year, or so I've been told. But I'm working on it. And it's hard. So very fucking hard.. Just please remember that. And please remember that I love you, that I always have. And that while I may now understand what happened to me, what made me into what I became, I'm not sure if I'll every fully forgive myself for it. Because I ripped your heart out.. When all you did was love me. Then again.. When I ripped yours out, I threw mine down on the ground beside it. Just please remember all of these things.. Please.. Try to give me a real chance, not just assume it will all go wrong. Try to understand that I'm struggling right now.. As I understand that you are. And one day.. Try to forgive me. And keep your heart open to who I was. Instead of forgetting it.. Even though it's much easier to do so. And next time, say you need the night to yourself. Instead of insisting I won't give you it. Especially after I JUST said that I was nearly done on here. Goodnight, darlin'. I wish you could try to understand, instead of jsut assuming that I don't.

Well, my back is aching and has been since Saturday. LD rubbed some Tiger Balm on it, and the idea of a hot shower is a wonderful one, at this point. As for after the shower..? A massage. Definitely a massage, if he's up to it. Things were getting better, but have recently come to a stand-still. I've got extra stress on my plater right now, with sides of confusion and distraction, and I'm getting full up. =( Ever since I had this extra shit to deal with, I've been struggling, trying to figure out how to deal with it all at once. These aren't things I can afford to stop working on, in order to break everything down a bit. They're all priorities, and it's getting difficult to figure out how to handle it all.. But of course, it has the unfortunate side effect of bringing our progress to a screeching halt. It doesn't help that there is no clear definition to our lives, when they involve eachothers. Friends, lovers, serious/regular play partners, and generally confidants. Oh, and did I forget to mention we're broken up? Where does that leave us? What does it mean? It's torture to know that it ended because of things spiraling out of control with myself. Being manipulated, old stressers coming to the surface, being pulled away from him, myself, and everyone else.. The miscarriage that followed a pregnancy, that I didn't know about for sure long enough before I had it to figure out how to tell him, which left me emotionally broken and unable to communicate about it with him or anyone else. The dominant couple using us both.. But most assuredly using me. The outside influences dragging he and I intentionally apart, unknown to either of us until the damage was done. The renewed contact with my ex, which left me stressed out and confused, filled with memories of things being wonderful and then having the senses beat out of me afterwards. Turning to alcohol after I left my ex ended up coming back to bite me in the ass, and I turned to it again.. Leading up to an emotional breakdown that revealed the dominant couple's true natures, my highly botched suicide attempt, and the demise of our relationship. Trying so hard to get myself back to who I used to be, when I cared about myself. To get back the girl that he fell in love with, and that I wanted to be so badly again.. Just.. better than before. Healed. Complete. Trying to earn back his trust. And I started to heal. I thought I was okay. And I drank again.. Another meltdown. People on my 'side', or who understood what was happening between the stress, post partum, PTSD, etc.. left me. He was damn near done with me. The shame is in that I never meant to hurt him. He got caught in the crossfire of a battle with myself.. I'd do anything to change it, but I can't. I just want to start at square one.. And get myself back together completely. And now, now we live together at another place.. We play regularly.. We love eachother, but it's not the same. We aren't in a literal commited relationship. I'm not drinking. And I'm healing. Things were steadily getting better.. And now.. Now this extra stress, that's throwing me off balance. How can I focus on all these things at once, without bringing progress to a complete halt? We had a small fight today, the result of a stupid misunderstanding. I can only hope we're alright now, in that sense.. I finished the flogger I was making for us for V-Day, and showed it to him early. Not perfect work, but.. I think he understood the feeling behind it.. And the extra, unspoken apology. This is just getting rediculous, though. I want nothing more than to get my life back on track. To earn his trust again, to make him.. and myself.. proud of me. To be the girl I was and who we both miss dearly. I don't mind the idea of him sleeping with other people, although he thinks I do. To be honest, I think Poly would have been a good choice for us. I just want honesty about it.. In a commited, actualy relationship or not, I think that as a human being, someone he loves, and someone who loves him with all her heart, I deserve to at least know if he's sleeping with other people. As his regular play partner, both topping and bottoming, I think I deserve to know if he decides to play with others. Maybe I'm wrong. According to those who I've been confiding in, I'm not. But, hell.. All of us could be wrong. I just think it's a courtesy that a loved one deserves, considering the circumstances. It isn't an issue of mixed signals, not really, which is I think partially what he believes. It's an issue of uncertainty. No, we are not in a relationship. No, he can't be in a serious relationship with me, not now, when he hasn't healed yet. Maybe not ever again. But I do believe we are more than just simply friends, and this view is shared by others. There are also those who think he should get rid of me. People who dislike me, people are angry and can't forgive, and people who can't seem to make up their minds as to who's side they want to be on, mine or his. But is this really a matter of sides, and if it is, should it be? The focus should be on earning trust, getting lives back together, and healing. Not who's right or wrong, who's made what mistakes and why, or whether or not you should abandon someone you love, out of fear of disappointing him and myself (in my case), or because they don't deserve a last chance to pick up the pieces of something they never wanted to break.. because you're afraid it will happen again. He has every right to doubt me.. But God knows a little faith would help me on my way. I truly believe he DOES have some faith in me, some kind of hope that I'll do it right this last time.. otherwise, I wouldn't be here with him. It's a long hard road.. It's unfortunate that I can't take any u-turns, but I can still make sure I get to the end of it.. And I will. I can't afford not to.. And even if I could.. Why would I want to remain this shadow of who I am, rather than get back to being the person that not only he and my friends loved to one degree or another.. but to the person who I loved as well. But I'm starting to love myself again.. To feel confident in my Dominance, even if I'm still having trouble submitting to anyone but him, or in public. To forgive and move past the the bad things done to me, and the mistakes I myself have made. Becoming self-confident again. Concentrating on getting my life back in order, on making myself happy and, yes, on making him happy as well. He has so much stress to deal with right now as well.. And I want to do everything I can to help him along his way.. Any thoughts, suggestions, advice, etc? Any and all comments welcome.. I'm floundering here, and that's the last thing I want. I'm certain I can do it on my own, but a little advice never hurt anyone. I've heard it said that the coldest hate springs from the hottest love.. I refuse to believe that's true.. I'll get everything in order again, somehow. That's a promise to myself, and to him. Oh.. And I need to find some way to spoil him on Valentine's day, couple or not. Ideas, anyone..? I have a few already.. >;D

LD is currently singing in the bathtub (Yo ho, yo ho, yo ho!..).. He is, needless to say, drunk. *smiles* So much for his ass being mine tonight. I've recently discovered that I'm primarily dominate, and the submission is secondary. I wish I could play more with LD.. It's so wonderful.. I love how it makes the both of us feel.. But I'm afraid that playing with him will become more infrequent as time passes. Is it normal to be terrified of losing a play partner? Well, he's more than just a play partner,but.. yeah.. Confused.

Confusion. Things are getting better at home, and it finally seems like I'm getting everything straight in regards to myself. But there are still doubts, and confusion likes to rear its ugly head from time to time. I'm still not sure how capable I am of submitting. When C tops me.. It's wonderful. But I'm fairly hesitant about asking him to play with me and play the role of a Top, knowing that it tends to be difficult for him, and take a lot out of him. Topping him is wonderful.. I think I'm finally starting to come into my own as a Top when I play with him. I don't have the doubts that I used to have. But its still difficult, as I don't want to push his own doubts and 'landmines'. So, what is there to do? Take it slow. And hope things turn out for the best.. =) I am feeling rather toppy today though. Naughty naughty. Where's C when you need a lovely boy to beat? ;)

..Being a switch holds too many complications for me.. C has trouble submitting to me, not a strange thing because of past events.. I can give myself completely to him, but being Dominant takes a lot out of him.. And I have a severe problem with letting go and submitting to anyone else.. Although I did have fun with R, as much trouble as I was having... And even though I screwed up my neck. It hurts like hell today.. Not as much as my back, though.. *sigh*

Well, this is My first real journal entry on CM.. So much has happened in the past few months, it's difficult to type it all in a relatively short but informative post..??????????

I met a wonderful man after having a nasty breakup with someone I'd considered My best friend.. Come to find out, the guy I met is a submissive.. Completely, wonderfully submissive.. And I had the pleasure and burden (a not unwanted burden) of bringing out this aspect of him.. Unfortunately, I was unable to be the Dominant I wanted and he deserved Me to be. My submissive side had been stunted, and so it all came out in a rush upon meeting members of the Orlando TNG community.?????????????

Both he and I learned a lot, and grew together as submissives, being Topped individually by a couple who is quite prominent in the aforementioned community.. Unfortunately, many past issues came to the surface, and further interaction with and misplaced trust in these people helped to facilitate the ruin of the most wonderful relationship I've ever had, and I lost the man I love and trust the most.????????????

Throughout all of these months, he and I have grown, and learned a great many things about both BDSM and ourselves. While being trained as a pro-Domme by the woman who was Topping him, I grew as a dominant, and came to love that aspect of myself.. I feel far more dominant than I do submissive, yet I switch quickly.. Unfortunately, during the course of our relationship with these people, I felt like I couldn't Top him.. As much as I desired to.?????????????

Now that we're broken up, but still living together, the desire to be his Dominant is just as strong as ever, and fortunately, I do have the chance every once and awhile to act on these desires.. I fear that the trust in Me that he lost is a detriment to our relationship when it comes to BDSM, D/s, S/m, etc.. Every day I seek to to prove Myself to him, to regain his trust.. To deserve his trust. We still care deeply for eachother, but he feels that we'll never be as intimate as we used to be..?????????????

As much as that hurts, I'm focused on being his friend.. And maybe, just maybe, sometime in the future I'll have another chance. But, that chance is no longer at the front of My mind.. I want him to trust me again.. To be My friend, as I still consider him My own best friend.?????????????????

I'm thankful for the remaining intimacy, and I'll never take for granted the trust he shows by allowing me to Top him.. That is one of the many reasons why I'm striving to be the Top that he deserves.. I need guidance, but have noone to turn to but him, Myself, and various online resources.. I hope that will be enough.??????????????????

Playing with him.. I'm not sure if I can describe how it makes Me feel.. It's as if a part of Me that is straining to be let out is finally able to brush it's fingers against what it has been searching for.. And the contact is electric. As if every time I see the look on his face, that part of Me is going to burst with joy.. The best thing I can compare to it, and not very well, is that of a supernova.. The part of me that was dying suddenly collapsing, releasing so much energy that's been held in.. Not a good comparison, but I can think of nothing else..??????????????????????

In any case, playing with him makes Me feel as if I am where I belong.. Enveloped in this warm coccoon of safety, love, passion.. I want to bring us both to heights we've never reached, until it comes crashing beautifully down around us, and we can't breathe for the intensity of it, and we're trembling..?????????????????????????????

The problem is that I'm afraid of not being enough for him, especially after his last Top.. Of doing things in such a way as to not be enough of what he deserves.. And his loss of trust in Me makes Me need to tread carefully, which I think makes Me hesitant to do things that I know he would shake to think of.. Shake with anticipation, fear, longing, desire, hesitation.. All those beautiful things and more that fly through a submissive's mind..?????????????????????????????????

I want him to strive to please me.. And I want to do the same for him.. I put him in sub-space last night, only the second time I was confidant and relaxed enough to do so.. And the first time for him in quite awhile.. For the first time, I think I fell into that wonderful state I've heard reffered to as 'Dom Space'.. I've never felt that way before.. It reminded me quite a bit of sub space.. And I have NEVER felt so confident, sexy.. or complete.??????????????????

I want to make him gasp, scream, cry, beg, and moan.. I want him to tremble beneath Me.. And I want to bring him higher, and higher.. And hold him when he thinks he's going to fall apart.. Gently and lovingly guide him through his submission, day and night.. I hope that, one day, he'll trust me enough again, so that I can put a collar around his beautiful neck and a large gag in his mouth, stretching those soft, kissable, biteable lips, put him on his knees, and call him Mine.??????????????????????????

I yearn for all these things, and more.. But does he want the same? Would it ever be possible..? Would he want to reach these heights with Me? There are so many things going through my head, and I wish to do them all.. Will he let me do them??????????????????

Uncertainty is a dangerous thing.. And if it is not dangerous in this situation, it is at least holding me back. Should I talk to him about all this..? Should I wait..? Should I seek guidance before telling him all these things..? Or should I just wait until he comes home, put a gag in his mouth, tie him to the bed, and shower every inch of his body with displays of the emotion and desire overwhelming me..????????????????????????

I don't know.. But.. The last option seems rather appealing.. *sigh*????????????????????

Hahahaha. Wow. THat's all I have to say. From: (insert cliche username here) Dated: 9/13/07 10:36 PM ...xoxI noticed your picture and I had to write this. There is only one wish on my mind...when this day is through I hope that you will be mine. I'm James, 29, Millionaire Businessman and you are the woman that I have been looking for. Someone decided to create a dream come true and that's you!Sometimes you may want to Quit, nothing ever seems to fit, I do promise to turn everything around for you. I won't let you down. Submissive, as I have always been, I willdo almost anything for you. Permit me to Cook, Clean,Serve, Obey, Chauffeur & Pamper you. I can take away all the Madness the World has to give, all you have to do is call. Phone: 416 516-2700, TEXT: 416 254-410seven.Email: moneysub1977@gmail.comPics. are avail............

I think this is my favorite message so far, other than the copy/paste message from the guy who likes to watch girls fucking eggs, apparantly (but for entirely different reasons o_o;) Yay for guys who aren't all pervy and pushy! There are actually some left! From: 26 yr. old Dominant in Sarasota Dated: 8/3/07 12:24 PM girl please why do ya'll do dis to me. Do u have a "not hot" section of your closet. Put something on ffrom that section if u do. Then take a picture in it, put it online and ask for friends.hehe. Then all us hounds wont feel so bad when we read ur profile. Oh well, it least its not in big red letters like most of the girls on here. cheers.

eroticfantcy Female Submissive, 50, Las Vegas, Nevada	EroticRopes Male Dominant, 61, Pleasant Praire, Wisconsin	eroslegend Male Dominant, 35, Hollywood, Florida	erotictee Female Submissive, 35
EroticDreamMak Male Dominant, 50, Detroit, Michigan	eros4bdsm Male Dominant, 56, Garden Grove, California	erowid Male Submissive, 26, Athens	eroticerin Female Submissive, 19
eroslord Male Dominant, 71, PineGrove, California	Eros Female Dominant, 31, Rustenburg	eroticjourney Male Switch, 44, New York, New Jersey	eroticbound Male Dominant, 47, Butler, Pennsylvania

Erotomania

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