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| Driven by day to be everything I can be.. driven by night to the shadows where I write, read and dream.. of all that is, and what can be. But for one thing.. you. I seek no man who is usual, normal, standard, average.. but he who is eclectic, ecstasy embodied, intelligent, creative, driven to have and be everything this fabulous life allows him. I want no 'play' Dominant, but one who has known since youth who and what he is, and fits comfortably in his skin. No obese or unhygenic men.. if you can't care for yourself, you most certainly won't care for me. I work hard at staying attractive, and I anticipate the same in return. I have pets.. they are cohabitants in my home, and none shall part with me until their natural ending. I am not even relatively close to 'normal' or 'average' in mind, energy, drive, spirit, creativity, warmth, kindness, or in practically any part of my life, in all things I choose to do or pursue, I am passion embodied. I choose to live alone until I can find the one I seek. He does exist. Yes, even at this age I have hope. My age.. well, to some it is apalling.. to me, I feel the same as I did when I was 25, do the same things, have the same energy level and rarely ever think of myself as 'old'. I LOVE music.. rock music, metal, fringe, alternative, opera, jazz, classical, sometimes industrial or virtually anything around or in between.. except perhaps most rap music and the cry in your beer country western that has no upbeat tempo or temperament. I am picky.. that is the way it is. I am also opinionated about many things. I have a brain.. therefore I think.. therefore I have opinions. Until sooner... find me, please.
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I long to experience a true Autumn again. Not the pseudo Fall we have here in Florida. It tricks you. Makes you think cooler weather is coming, then - BLAM - back to blast furnace temperatures by noon. No. No thank you. I want the feel and sight of Autumn. When the leaves put on their colorful, flamboyant outfits and flit about in a gentle northerly wind until falling to the ground. There they cavort and wrestle in a brilliant feast of reds, yellows and oranges, tantalizing the vision with movement and giving us a feeling of festivity in preparation for the holidays. I long to feel the crisp wind, the cold putting a zing in our steps and creating a look of health through our rosy cheeks and reddened noses. Oh, how I wish to trip through a pile of leaves and gather kindling to build a roaring fire. The scent of chimneys filling the evening air, bringing to mind smores and roasted marshmallows. I miss it. Dearly. Here I laugh, however, for so long have I lived in the South, I might just freeze on the spot in temperatures below 50 degrees. It would be worth it. To just feel and see Autumn as it's meant to be once more.
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So after all these one night stands,
you ended up with heart in hand,
a child alone, on your own, retreating.
Regretful for the things you're not,
for all the things you haven't got,
without a home, a heart of stone lies bleeding.
For all the roads you followed,
and for all you did not find,
and for all the dreams you had to leave behind.
I am the way, I am the light,
I am the dark inside the night.
I hear your hopes, I feel your dreams,
and in the dark, I hear your screams...
For all the years you borrowed,
and for all the tears you hide,
and for all the fears you had to keep inside.
I am the way, I am the light,
I am the dark inside the night.
I hear your hopes, I feel your dreams,
and in the dark, I hear your screams...
...All I ask is you believe...
Portion of the song, "Believe", by Trans-Siberian Orchestra.
Oh, how I wish I could still believe.. D.A.
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Soooo... it's been awhile since I've been on this site. About a year ago, I entered into a relationship, got my heart, trust and any inclinations toward romance broken... thought I'd be over it by now... but I'm having doubts if that's ever really going to happen.
I'm no longer seeking a relationship, but I do so miss intellectual discussions.. on virtually any topic as I'm quite well versed.. and I've found that we perverts tend to be of above average intelligence. It seems likes it's been ages since I've spoken to an adult I'm not related to.. lol.. for any length of time... so if you are bored and wish for some back and forth chat.. let me know.
I can no longer 'play'.. it seems my spine, oh how treacherous are our human bodies, has gone kattywampus and is pinching the sciatic nerve and giving me more anguish than my most enthusiastic sadistic partners ever did! Until that is resolved, I am foregoing any physical activity of the bdsm nature, thus my removal from even seeking a fling.
On the survival front.. I am finally getting some decent prospects for a managerial position. Whew! I may finally be able to put this good brain to use again in the world of finance!
Too, I believe the loss of any emotional ties of a male/female nature have helped restore my artistic creativity, as I'm starting to draw, paint, make jewelry, quilt, knit and crochet along with my writing... the artistic dry spell is finally over! As I can afford it, I am soooo looking forward to laying my hands to clay and sculpting again.. soon.. soon.. I hope.
Let me know what you've been up to any of my friends. I do hope your year has been far more enjoyable than mine, and has brought all good things.
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Yes, it is I to make my annual Memorial Day plea! All I ask is that you stop your picnic/ballgame/dinner/fishing trip.. whatever it is you're doing that day, and close your eyes and remember why you have the freedom to do your activity. Whom you owe for the right to speak freely. And, if perchance, you haven't planned your day down to the last second, take a bit of time and go by a cemetery, find a Veterans grave, place an American flag on it and thank him. If you pass a family honoring their loved one, thank them, also. And any chance you get, if you pass a Veteran on the street, or see Old Glory being raised, show some respect to them. It's a small price to pay for everything they've meant in your life. ~ D.A. |
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Happy New Year to all my CM friends and acquaintances! May this year bring you prosperity, love, new and exciting experiences, growth in all ways and may any troubles fade to non-existence!
To my Veterans... please stay safe and know there ARE people who think of you and wish for your safe keeping! |
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Happy Thanksgiving to my friends on CM! May your day be filled with love, bounty and a winning sports team! lol ~ D.A. |
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Once again it's nearly Veterans Day. PLEASE thank a Veteran for your freedoms! Recently, I buried a good friend of mine who made the ultimate sacrifice for our nation. Freedom isn't free.. there's a very high cost for some. So don't forget them.. just say, "Thanks!" Shake their hand.. let them know you appreciate their service to our nation. You wouldn't be able to have this site, this ability to live as you choose without them and those who went before them. Bless you my Veterans.. and may you stay safe! |
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Skipped yoga tonight and rode the stationary bicycle. There's something, well, BORING, about a bike that goes nowhere! I experimented with the 'gears'.. harder to pedal to easy, and I WAY like the easy one.. lol.. but I moved it to midway tension and upped the incline to make it more challenging. Heck, why not? Don't have to worry about getting run over or viciously attacked by mosquitoes, so I can pedal my ass.. hmm.. not really great terminology is it.. as long as I want safely. By the end of the workout, I'd read half a book and burned about 700 calories. YAY! Dessert here I come! |
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I wasn't going to write anymore humorous escapades into Yoga here, because one Dominant said he felt sorry for me because I couldn't do the things I used to, etc. Actually, as several can attest, I am in DAMN fine shape, and plan to stay this way. I figure at least I'm trying something challenging, and will be the better for it, no matter how darn bad it hurts.. lol. So we'll discuss the back bend today. Yes, submissives need to be limber and lithe due to the suspension antics we're often put up to (pun, get it?) so Yoga seemed the perfect resolution to staying limber. I had NO idea the backbend was included in the repertoire of agonizing poses. I haven't done one since I used to toss a baton around in my cute little marching boots in Jr. High School, and even then, I .. well.. I pretty much sucked at them.. lol. Now, however, it would appear my back no long believes it should bend in the direction it truly wasn't intended since I never wanted to be Limbo master. When I had my farm, and I needed to drag a stubborn tree trunk or something out of the ground, I used what's called a 'Come-along". It's an ingenious device that you attach to a stationary object then with the magic of rope and pulleys and a lever, it does the work of lifting, pulling, dragging, etc., the difficult object out of the ground or onto a trailer or wherever you need to move it. I was pondering attaching the come-along to a beam in my ceiling.. then wrapping the rope about my waist.. then cranking the lever so I could actually get into the back bend position.. lol. Pretty smart, huh? My fear was that I'd reach that glorious of stretching positions and when I released the come-along, be stuck in it and require something pesky like, oh, maybe spinal fusion to stand upright again! So instead I struggled and grunted and managed to get my arms and legs in position and lift up to about the level of a coffee table.. but it's progress! Today a coffee table.. who knows what tomorrow could bring? Maybe a semi-elevated suspension bridge! Hope everyone's day is going well.. I can't wait to see what's in the next 5 minutes of the Yoga DVD! |
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So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you all right
You cant break me down if it takes all your might
Cause I am so much more than meets the eye ~ Seether, Breakdown |
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I just finished a yoga workout. I'm pretty sure I'll regain the use of my extremities some time today. I used to think I was in pretty good shape. I thought weightlifting, bicycling, walking, pilates and judo meant that I had some sort of physical capabilities. Until I tried yoga. Is the human body actually meant to get in some of those positions? Especially a body over 50?? It's like Kama Sutra without the sex.. you look at it and go.. hmm.. is that really possible if you're not a Flying Walenda or Cathy Contortionist? And when your leg length is more than half your standing height, down dog is a hell of a lot further down than those tiny, short legged Yoga Masters on the dvd have to go! By the third position on this video, I was pondering whether there were doughnuts in heaven, and when they found my body laying in this twisted fashion would the CSI team think circus freaks had tried a human pretzel maneuver on me that failed miserably? After the fourth position, down dog, purportedly the relaxing position.. that's relaxing? For whom? Victims of tetanus or the bends? o.. m.. g! I was hoping someone would run in with a crane to raise the upper half of my body so the blood would quit pooling in my eyes! All in all, I found the yoga experience.. well.. humiliating.. lol.. but I'm no quitter! Tomorrow I may even make it into the next 5 minutes of the dvd! |
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It's Memorial Day. A beautiful weekend to gather with friends and family, young and old, to eat, drink, share anectedotes and value what you have. In this day sometime, though, PLEASE take a few moments at the very least, and remember those who aren't now visiting, dining, laughing.. for they gave their very lives to offer you the opportunity to do so. They are our heroes, they are the reason for this day, and they deserve those thoughts and prayers sent their way so they know all that they gave was not given in vain. For those Military members who are here and abroad, still fighting for the valuable lifestyle we here in American seem to take for granted, democracy, thank you.. thank you.. thank you from the bottom of my heart for your skills, your sacrifices of time away from YOUR families this Memorial Day, your values and beliefs that will help our nation remain the STRONG and the FREE. Bless you all... come home safely. |
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'Tis nearly Memorial Day again.. I am writing this early so that each of you who browses my profile will REMEMBER to take a few moments out of your day and silently or with loud praise THANK those who served and gave all for YOU and our country. You would not be able to be on a website like this and say what you wish to say.. you would not be able to live this lifestyle in any form of openness, you would not be able to cherish each moment you freely speak about your beliefs or your dreams and goals if it weren't for them. I go each year and place flags on the graves in one of the larger Veteran cemeteries the day before Memorial Day.. and I retrieve them the day after. I am a busy person, and yet I know I owe my ability to chase my dreams, goals and perhaps some day catch them, to the men and women of our Armed Forces who kept us FREE. So you should be able to stop that day and say a very simple, "Thank You," for you just never know who may be listening to you. |
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Happy New Year to all! I hope for you that you find what you seek, that your hearts are filled with love and joy, that contentment is no longer a craving, but a reality, that you wander no more in the house of longing, but find what you yearn for and that all you consider good and fulfilling comes you way! |
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On this day, YOUR day, I hope you relaxed, reflected and felt deserving of a nation's thanks. For your unselfish acts, for your patriotism, for your love of this country, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart, Veterans! |
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To those of you seeking, I wish you the very best that you can find. I am not looking right now. I am grossly overloaded with work, and haven't the time to fairly devote to a relationship. Say hi once in a while if you wish. |
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Punishment, degredation and debasement.. I'll never understand them. We spend days, weeks, months, years searching for the perfect match. A Dominant is elated when he finds the right one... one who is a reflection on him, one who is his treasure, delight, canvas and strength. And yet I repeatedly see those who list 'humiliation', 'degradation' and 'punishment' in their profiles as things they love. Is not your submissive/slave a reflection on you? Would you then relate that while you are debasing her, degrading her, punishing her, you are refelcting on how you feel about yourself? I view this lifestyle as the most open, illuminating, educating and expansive lifestyle two people could enjoy together. How is a submissive/slave supposed to enjoy those qualities if she constantly fears retribution for what she thinks, feels, says? You are stifling the very beauty of the Ds lifestyle by imposing these things on her/YOU. Yes, YOU. For when I see couples where the submissive/slave cowers in fear, is publicly degraded, humiliated, etc., I think, "There goes a very insecure Dominant. He is taking the very thing he supposedly treasures most in life, and making a mockery of her, thus mocking himself." Oh, I don't mean there should never a time when these things come into play. Say an agreed upon scene where they might be utilized for roleplay, etc. But to make them an everyday part of your lives is, to me, stating that you fear you cannot control through anything but brute strength, and that is the direct opposite of what this lifestyle means to me. So, to abbreviate this and to advise those looking, should debasement, objectification, punishment, humiliation, degradation be any part of your profile or beliefs, please overlook me. I'm looking to expand and illuminate my life, not minimize it through fear. |
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I'm going to the Ren Fest tomorrow! Woo hoo! I have been so busy haven't had a chance to get out there yet, and it's the last weekend to revel in the past culture I so enjoy. I hope all have had a chance to go that enjoy it. I also hope they have some good sales going.. about time to get a new corset or something! If you run into tomorrow, please say hello.. or give me a swat.. lol. |
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Oh, if this year were to bring something spectacular, I would wish for the ability to clone myself. I know, it sounds grossly egotistical, but think about it! One of me could be going to work, while another one stayed home and worked on the website, and yet another one did the housework, and another worked on the truck.. and the VERY lucky one of me got to go out and have a hilariously good time. Come on.. you've all thought about it. And talk about the turn on to a man or woman! Holy crap! Twins, triplets, quadruplets, quintuplets and more. They'd feel like a major player with that on their sexual resume! lol Still, if we could clone ourselves, think of how much more we could get done, contribute to the world, or to our pocketbooks, and ... whoa.. okay, here I would like to stipulate a birth control clause. Only one of the cloned ones could have kids. Good heavens, we'd be overrun with people if all of them were replicating! Not that it's something my clones would have to worry about.. unless.. oohhh... what if we could clone ourselves several years younger? Woo hoo! Have decade spreads of clones all cloning around! The only problem I could see is if we were all empathic of what the others were doing. Hmmm.. the one working on the truck could seriously injure herself if another one was having a major orgasm at the same time. But, dang, she'd still smile as she nursed that boo boo. Yep.. I think it's time we put some pressure on the people doing the clone research. Of course, what if serial killers could clone themselves? Or people like Saddam Hussein, or that little fart over in North Korea? Serious deterrent there. Dang.. just when I was embracing the idea of several of me getting a lot done! Maybe we could put morality clauses in the cloning process. Wipe out the bad man/woman genes as we're cloned. Nope, that wouldn't work.. especially in this lifestyle! Imagine some sadist getting cloned and coming out like Mr. Rogers. Ewwwwuuu! Okay, I have to give some more thought to this, obviously, but it's great for a nice fantasy break! ~ Keep smiling... it makes your enemies nervous! |
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Good heavens! Look how the time has flown.. already 2008 and I have barely written a thing here. Close to New Year's I was pondering my swan song post on here.. I'm so very weary of the search. I had several cutting and provocative thoughts to put down, but I shan't write them.. they'll remain my own observations and stay tattooed only in my mind. Regardless, a friend coerced me to stay on here, for, if nothing else, the few people I've found comraderie with. Too, he reminded me of the munches around the two cities, so I think I'll start attending them again. My mate is as much an apparition of my mind as he has always been.. so I'll simply keep to myself and do what I have to do to finish my goal of millionairess by 2009. Then I think I'll take a long hiatus and put some words into book form and maybe get it published. This year promises much financially.. but remains bleak in the personal arena of my life. Ah, well. As they say, this too shall pass. Mayhaps the reason no one has appeared to sweep me off my feet is so I can get done everything I need to do without distractions. lol It's as good a reason as any!
Recently someone asked in a message why I choose not to discuss the sexual part of this lifestyle with him right off the bat. In my experience on here, I've found that men who want to start immediately learning about my sexuality, don't have what it takes to get to it. They use the words sent about sex and eroticism as a way to get off, I think, and that's their only purpose on here... to find a f**k buddy (or several of them) or live a fantasy life when their wives aren't looking. If you don't want to learn about ME.. then don't expect to learn about my body. My body IS attached to my mind directly, and if you can't first explore this marvelous sex organ called a brain and stimulate it with intellectual conversation or humor or new things to learn.. then you've already lost half the battle of getting to my body. True, at my age, it isn't as if my body is all that fantastic (in comparison to an 18-year-old.. maybe a 30-year-old.. lol) but still, my little grey cells have to be stroked before you can even begin to get to know the whole of me. Also, keep in mind what I do for a living.. I talk sex all day long to a whole variety of people.. I don't need to come home and immediately want to start talking about it again! If you sincerely believe this lifestyle is about tying someone up and 'forcing' them to have a variety of different types of sex with you... then I pity you. You are missing the true beauty and wonderment of the whole thing. (Stepping off soap box.. sorry.. had to get that outta' my system!)
I do hope each and every one of you are having a great to the new year, and that you find he or she whom you seek. I have fairly well given up on doing so.. but here I remain. A friend gained is a good thing, so pop me off a note if you've something to say to me... we may find good conversation out of it! |
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It's been long and long since I've sat and reflected here. So many of you ask about my screen name. Driven Angel. I realize you first think that the angel I refer to is that of an even tempered, sweet natured person. I am that, usually. Except maybe at work where I can allow my Alpha nature to shine. Still, I rarely get upset or let things bother me to the point of anger or agitation.. it seems such a waste of strong energy. And while I'll admit to most often being the type of angel you all presume the title to imply, I am not perfectly so and can, at times, be headstrong and unyielding in my beliefs.. not the pliable nature you might think an angel holds. However, I will state that type of angel isn't what I meant when I put it down. I meant the other type.. the one most people don't believe in. Oh, I don't mean the winged, harp-bearing creatures that fly about making people's lives easier. It was just simpler to say 'angel' than 'old soul'. Perhaps it's simply an aversion of mine to the word 'old'. lol But that I am, an old soul.. and not afraid to say it. I think we're here for a purpose.. we travelers that are driven to find the answers to all and everything. I believe I know our purpose, but don't choose to begin to go there on this open board. This is solely a clarification.. a means of letting you all know why I chose the name I did. I am driven to find the solutions to and answers to anything and everything that I fancy being interesting. I am driven to succeed at anything I set forth to. I am driven to find my mate... though, at this late stage and with all the effort I've put forth to.. it doesn't appear I shall find him. I am also subject to things not of my control, apparently. Somehow we old souls are marked as those approachable or sought out by people in need.. people who have problems or are in the depths of misery or need direction in their lives. Perhaps it isn't solely the realm of just we who are destined to roam this earth seeking answers.. but those who appear to be calm all the time, who seem steady and strong, like a rock in a raging river. And, while I use the term 'angel' here, I don't mean it in any biblical sense, either. I am actually not religiously inclined in the least. My spirituality leans more toward Druidism than anything else, and that, too, was based on vast amounts of knowledge. I guess learning is my religion. I want, no NEED, to know all that I can. Any topic, any philosophy, any words, any practice, any action, anything is what I study. I suppose that, too, is one reason I haven't found my mate. I am a bit too much for most people.. my interests too broad.. and I'm not inclined toward the stultifyingly boring life of an average housewife. Heck.. now I'm going way off topic.. see how this mind rambles? So, I'm sure by now I've answered anyone who has asked why I chose the screen name I did. I am simply that. A Driven Angel. |
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I hope everyone who attended the Afterparty at Chambers last night had as much fun as we did! My friends and I had a blast, and look forward to next year's events! If any of you recognize me from last night, say hello. Always great to make new friends on here! |
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Ah, the games on here. People don't like me because I am too real. I HAVE a life outside of Internet "date" sites. I HAVE a very full life, as a matter of fact. Too often I get these e-mails with the capitalization thing going on. PUHLEASE. If you think putting me in lower case is going to put me in my place, you seriously need to look elsewhere. Or if you're so very lacking in your own place that you feel capitalizing anything in the first person somehow puts you above me, go away. Too, I get so many messages from Dominants who are into that whole punishment/reward lifestyle. I'm not a child by any stretch of the imagination... I'm a woman. I do not want a "Daddy". I want a fully developed, comfortable in his own skin, man. While I don't mind occasional role play to that effect, I certainly don't want to live a whole life of it. Nor do I believe in the punishment/reward type of life. To me, this whole lifestyle is for exploration, honesty, trust and fearlessness. How can anyone possibly expect a submissive to be totally trusting and honest when she fears possible punishment for real or imagined wrongs? How can she express herself openly without fear of saying something wrong? How can she KNOW that she can trust you when the vast majority of those who participate in that type of lifestyle can change the rules per their whim or fancy? No, thank you. I'll leave those who think punishing or rewarding a submissive is the only way to control her to their own continuing search. Hope you find the right one! I'm not her. Control is given and taken, exchanged between two people freely. Pavlov used your approach, and while it was successful with dogs, I'd rather not participate in that type of psychological frenzy.
No... I'm seeking my mate. Somewhat like a pack animal, where I shall be second ONLY to my man. No other shall approach him with ill will without facing BOTH of us. But on the same turn, no one shall approach me with disrespect on their mind without facing BOTH of us. We are entwined in all ways. I draw on his strength when needed, he draws on mine when needed. We are united as only two of like minds, spirits and hearts can be. FREE to explore all we choose to without fear of the other's wrath. Openly discussing, experimenting, delving into new areas, feeding on gained knowledge and experiences. Running together, side by side, knowing our places are only set between us. He is my ONLY Dominant.. no other shall be placed above him, and no other shall he place above me. Fairly simple, in verbalization and theory, but apparently nearly impossible to realize. As for that control? It's not achieved through rope, handcuffs, gags, orders, punishment or anything else.. it's acquired through respect, loyalty, honesty, integrity and other qualities that have no physical binds to them. A simple look, a whispered word, is all it should take when the two are in accordance. Though the other stuff can be a great deal of fun, too! So if you can relate to ANYTHING I've said here... and please don't write me only to tell me how wrong I am.. lol. I get that a lot, too... please feel free to message me WITH a picture. These are my views. Being a submissive doesn't make me stupid, unopinionated or a doormat, so I have a right to them. While many don't agree with my philosophies, and I respect THEIR right to live as they choose, I won't change them to please someone. If a man required me to change myself all the way to my core values in order to have him, I wouldn't want him, anyway. Hope to hear from someone who is as REAL as I am on here. Best to you all.. |
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It seems no one has photos again. Sigh. I've yet to understand this. Digital cameras are cheap, heck, even most cell phones come with one, and yet STILL there's oodles of men here with NO photos? Come on.. no excuses. You all comment on my photos when you write, but then lack the courtesy to send one to me. If you've read this profile at all, you'll note that time and again I request one with your e-mail. Yes, I AM that shallow... can't help it.. don't care what you think about my visual interest in you... simply know that I won't continue to correspond with anyone who doesn't provide a photo. Off to work, will probably have a lot to say on here later. Ciao! |
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Wow.. been a long time since I've written anything here. Tonight I'm inspired to because of the videos I just watched. Don't know if any of you have seen him.. Paul Potts. Unassuming name.. unassuming demeanor.. AMAZING voice! Probably one of the few times you'll ever see Simon Cowell become a bit flabbergasted, actually, is his tryout performance for Britains Got Talent. Bad suit.. shy... but when he sings, it's as if an entirely new human steps into his body. Anyway.. should you have the mind to, give him a listen. Yes, it's opera... but it will leave you sitting there, watching a cell phone salesman wow the world. I guess all of us have a talent.. albeit perhaps not as spectacular as his. We simply have to learn to overcome fears and self-doubt to achieve that which we want most. That's why I still come around here once in a while... hoping.. wishing.. well.. I am given to mind that old saying, "Wish in one hand.. s**t in the other.. see which fills up first." Have to do something to get what I want, but it always seems that life gets in the darn way. Prying rotting boards off the back of my store now.. going to fix it so the place doesn't flood anymore and stick a new roof on, too. Funny how people disappear when they see you are going to do something 'hard'.. no longer offering help... lol. S'kay. I can do it alone. I'm pretty capable like that. Got the old truck partially fixed. Now just need to give her a tune up and work on the transmission a bit, and she'll be darn near running as good as new. Of course, she looks like crap.. lol.. but I can't have it all! Database is coming right along.. got most of the graphics done for when the site goes up. Getting anxious.. impatient.. makes me want to take short-cuts, but those so rarely work out. Best just to plod along.. maybe someday turn into an overnight success like Paul Potts. Started a new book, too. Pretty freaking scary.. sometimes I have to stop as I start creeping myself out! lol Hope all my friends on here are well. That you're finding your days filled with more pleasant things than I have lately. Do you have any idea what a combination of termites, carpenter ants, rot, mold and mildew smell like on old wood? Ewwwuuuu it isn't pretty! Ah, but the new lumber.. mmm... love that smell! Can't wait to start firing up that saw and cutting into it.. having that scent fill the air. Dang, getting all excited here! Hope you take a minute or two.. give Paul a listen.. and sit back in awe of hidden talent sticking its head up out of the sand. Be well, and take care! See ya' soon! |
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Bummer of a week so far. Had to have my older cat put to sleep due to cancer. He'll get a private cremation and I'll get his ashes, so he won't be forgotten. But it made me wonder about our society. We will take great care with our pets, euthanize them when they become too weak, disoriented or in too much pain, and yet we'll let our people suffer to the very end even when it's known their diseases are terminal and no amount of pain meds can help them. Could someone please explain this to me? Hope all your weeks are going fine... just a bit of food for thought here. |
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A bit of redundancy from an earlier post. So many of you write me and say how much you enjoy the photos I posted. I am wondering how many of you would write had I not posted a photo? Or if I hadn't, how many would request that at the first contact? Why do men think they are the only visual creatures of our species? Had you read any of my earlier posts you would note that I am quite visual, being involved in arts, drafting, architecture, web development and design, photography, etc. So why can't you have the courtesy (or courage... lol) to send a photo on your first contact with me? I am choosing not to respond to anyone whom doesn't send a photo, current.. not one taken 20 years ago when you still had hair in the right places as opposed to where it grows as we get older.. so I can SEE to whom I am writing. I have a remarkable memory and imagination, and like to visualize your expressions when we converse in this media. So PLEASE, send a picture! If you don't look appealing to me in the least, I'll tell you so. So many have done the same to me.. I'm a big girl, I can take rejection.. quite easily.. lol. Who knows? Perhaps we may even be friends should there be no chemistry or attraction. Good heavens.. you would think I were asking you to submit a Curriculum Vitae.. not a simple picture. Yeesh. |
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The wind is whipping up a froth on the bay. Thunder is rumbling, the sky threatening to unleash a torrent. Lightning flashing.. of course it is.. this is the lightning capital of the U.S... lol.. and I feel at home now.. content. I love storms. They get my juices flowing, the electricity surging through the air pumps me full of renewed energy. I like to go outside in them, watch the wind and rain wash the earth clean of debris and fill the air with that sweet smell only rain can bring. People dash for their cars, ducking as if they can avoid being hit by the drops, and cowering under the majesty of mother nature. The water turns that beautiful green-blue shade that indicates a real doozie of a storm is heading in. White caps explode on the surface, making it appear to dance and writhe in ecstasy. The wind.. oh, the wind.. reminds me of home.. Wyoming.. where it never stops blowing and 20 m.p.h. is considered a light breeze. Trees bend and wave, their future dependent on how deep and strong their roots are. Beautiful, beautiful storms... I relish them. |
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There's an image available called "Weeping Seraphim". I can relate with that image about now. I am weary beyond measure, and hope that soon I shall find some rest. Oh, not the type of tired most people get, you know, the sleepy tired that drives them to bed early to wake refreshed... but that bone deep weariness that settles in, and you have to draw deeply on your resources to keep going. Just ONE more day... then another.. then another... and the days draw out until you feel so stretched you can barely make yourself draw a full breath. For some reason, Spring brings out the whole load of needy people in my life. They appear everywhere... coming to me for answers, choices, paths... help me, Susan... I need you. Everywhere I turn, there are friends, relatives, strangers asking for more of me than I think I am able to give.. and yet, I still do somehow. It is a sad testament that I actually find my peace and solace in my database and website work... lol. Seems to be the ONLY thing in my life I have full control over right now, I guess. I hired a new person for the store. She is young, and I would have preferred an older person, but we'll see how she works out. She has actually had some retail experience! Woo hoo! At this point, she breathes, and after working the number of hours I've put in lately, that alone is a MAJOR plus.. a live person to fill in a spot long enough for me to go home and sit down and eat. lol Okay.. bitch fest is done. Now it's time to regroup, gather more strength and go back to work. To all who have written lately, please be patient. I've been working from 8:30 a.m. to midnight or later nearly every day, dealing with some family and friends' personal problems, helping out a few others find their own direction, and haven't had a day off for a couple of weeks. The clouds are clearing though, so I will be in touch with you soon! This too shall pass... it always does. |
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Wow! What a tremendously busy week this has been! Store inventory is done (except the rat infested storage area that I have to sort through) and WE ROCKED! A mere .005% loss this quarter through theft. Amazing for a retail store! But as I've found, when I have an overwhelmingly busy week at the day job, I have to play catch up on the weekends with my other businesses, so I doubt I'll be here, logging on very often over the next couple of days. If anyone in the area is out and about today, I may head up to the Clearwater munch and visit with friends, and meet new people, so drop on in. 2 p.m. at Chili's on 19 and East Bay. Hope everyone's weekend is a safe and happy one, and for those who celebrate it, Happy Easter.. and for those who celebrate Passover, Happy Pesach! Blessed be to all. |
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Here I am with time to write.. and I've so many things rushing around in my head, I can't settle on a topic. A new book idea.. that's prevalent in my thoughts and I shall work on it tonight. The websites, the store, the people in my life.. and the person I want most in my life.. are all lollygagging around in there, too. So, rather than run off on the two hundred or so topics pinging off my cranium tonight, I shall simply say that I hope everyone's weekend was splendid, and that wherever you are.. whoever you are... I am still here, waiting... |
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Oh, boy.. what a day! Inventory.. 12 hours worth.. on top of the Manager's Report, the regular reports, a GREAT workout at the gym! Woo hoo! And now it's time to settle.. be still.. think and reflect on how fortunate I am to have the health, mind and spirit to pursue those things I choose to. I was given a gift by my Sister tonight.. books with which to build more easily our website. PHP information and meshing it with MySQL and the images and all the things that will make our site the best overall.. I just know it! Too, I was given the chance to once again help her through a nice workout at the gym, and watch her glow from success, her MS a mere memory for that brief time... precious time, it is, for we have so few Springs in our short human lives.. made moreso when disease creeps in of the kind that is mysterious and hard to battle. Oh, please, let us hold out until that new MS medication is passed by our (cough) government, and hopefully allow her to live more fully again. I am blessed, but yearn still I do, for I have no one to share with but those few who dare delve into this long journal of mine. A kind thought, a whisper of hope for her this night, is what I'd ask of each of you, please. One for my daughter, too, as she is also struggling again with a medical issue. Time.. it may heal all wounds.. and yet it opens new ones, it seems. A bit of strength.. a touch, a taste, for me I ask, for I am their will when they have none.. their strength when it's needed.. their laughter when all they have is tears. I will return it should you need.. I am always a holder of MY word.. for so few seem to be these days. Why is that? What has happened to our integrity, our values, our mores? What has become of honor, dignity, pride of self? Where have these most significant things gone in our people today? Questions.. always wondering.. never to most likely find the answers to such deep, plaguing thoughts.. and still.. I can't help but wonder.. is there such a 'One' as I seek? One who still has the ability to look in the mirror as I do each night and smile, for he knows he's lived his day to the best of his ability.. owes no one the power to judge him... for he is own guiding star? Honesty, Integrity, Strength, Humor, Honor.. oh, so much to ask, it seems. And yet each day I ask it of myself. |
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Sometimes I feel like an old seawall, harboring those I care about and love, doing my utmost to shelter them from the harmful waves life throws their way, and give them safe passage to more peaceful waters and routes. Like a seawall, though, the perpetual battering of waves erodes me, starts chipping away at my strength, bit by bit, slowly weakening me. Occasionally, some strong soul will come along and mend me.. patch up those holes that grow and freshen the surface again so I can be even stronger. It's been a long, long time since I've had some reinforcement, though, and I don't see much of it in the offing. So I'll stand as long possible, hope the foundation is so sturdy beneath the wall that it will hold up long enough.. just long enough.. until that man who can offer me his ability to patch and mend, strengthen and secure... repair the damage of having to withstand alone so very long comes along. |
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Wow! What a spectacular day out! So why am I sitting in this apartment working? Greater mysteries there are, for I am driven... driven to achieve and obtain what I want. I sat and thought this morning about a comment by someone last night. "You're shallow." This was made in the context that I wasn't attracted physically to a certain individual. My immediate response was, "Yeah. So?" lol I regret that now.. well, no I don't, but I should. So I went home last night and evaluated my level of shallowness. I tossed and turned the notion that just because someone wasn't physically attractive to me, I was being less of a person for not pursuing something with them. I could apply semantics here and say I'm not shallow, I'm particular, but it pretty much boils down to the same thing. I have my physical preferences in a man, and one is not to wake up next to about 100 lbs. of excess body fat rolling around beside me. So sue me. I don't like it, it doesn't turn me on.. and no matter how great a brain, imagination, visionary, or anything else he is, it's not going to make me go all soft inside and overlook the fact that he's grossly fat. Neither can I imagine myself with someone much shorter than I. I get uncomfortable, want to hunch over, squish myself down to be a proportionately fit size to him. It's not HIS problem, it's mine, and I accept that. So does this make me shallow? Well, maybe on the physical aspect of things. I don't know why men think they are the only ones visually driven, but they should rethink that. Women get all hot and bothered, too, when we see a guy that's built like a brick shithouse, wearing tight jeans with tight buns and great legs. It's not just a guy thing. There's the factor of chemistry involved. I can overlook at my age certain physical characteritics in a man of similar age because I accept that we're not 20 anymore. But I have my limits as to what I'll overlook as aging, and what I see as sheer lack of caring about their appearance. I work hard to maintain a nice figure because it will be my One's due. I try to keep my skin smooth, hair trimmed, and my appearance suitable to the type of man I wish to live out the rest of my life with. Why should I expect he wouldn't feel the same about pleasing the woman he seeks? If we're not attracted physically to each other, there's no spark, no fire, no want to just rip each others' clothes off and do the nasty, then that leaves us both unsated, and sitting doing cross stitch together talking about the French Revolution or something while our passion simmers on the back burner. I'm all for talking about things, having great conversations, expanding my knowledge base and tossing ideas around. But, dammit, I'm also a sensual and sexual creature, and if the chemistry isn't there, then I may as well hang my libido out to dry. So does this all make me shallow? Possibly. Probably. |
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Someone, having read the entirety of my blog entries, has told me I was rather harsh about my Mother, that it sounded as if I had no affection for her, that the things I said on here about her were horrible. I re-read again what I had written, and I disagree thoroughly. My Mother was my goddess as a child.. as an adult.. and still to this day I speak to her in need when I have no one to turn to, which is quite often.. lol. She raised us with a glove clad iron fist, and I bless her to this day for doing so. I was NOT an easy child to raise.. I can't believe she didn't just drive me out to a desert and leave me as a doctor one time suggested she do. But no matter what I did, how often I ran away (I considered them mini-vacations from home.. but parents tend to disagree with those sentiments when you're only 13 or 14) she always told me I could come back and talk to her about ANYTHING, ANYTIME. That's how she was. Open, caring, giving, loving, tough sometimes when we needed it, tolerant, funny, lovely, brilliant, and every other good adjective I can think of. She followed my father to places that seemed like the ends of the earth.. adored him with a passion I so rarely see in these days.. and never once complained. Eventually, she grew weary of packing and unpacking, but never stopped him from chasing whatever dream he had.. and stayed home and took care of everything else so he could do what he needed to. She was half of the strength, fortitude and solidity that let us have a childhood filled with wonder and excitement and exploration.. shared equally with my father.. and each carried their burden with single-minded purpose: to raise two exceptional children (and sometimes 5) to the best of their capabilities. I tried to portray her as she was.. often opinionated.. strong-willed.. and exceptionally wise... so intelligent and foresightful it was sometimes scary... affectionate.. loving.. and the most comforting person in the world when you needed a shoulder to cry on. I can't imagine having a better mother.. or father.. and I can't bear to think someone might feel I didn't love her. I always have, and always will. She instilled in me the femininity I cherish, the honor, values, ideals, integrity, strength and power to think and learn and ever grow to be more than I am. Never once do I recall her turning away a "Why is.." or "How is.." or "What if.." She would lead us to the bookshelves and show us the whys, hows, and what ifs, and if we couldn't find it there, she would search for answers elsewhere. She taught me all the things young girls don't know today. How to knit, crochet, sew, cook, keep books, purchase and sell real estate, art, history, music, reading, writing and so many other viable skills it's impossible to name them all here. She had that marvelous divination mothers have, like eyes in the back of their heads or a sixth sense about the welfare of their children, so even when she wasn't around we held true to our own values and paths in life, for we knew she'd know if we didn't. And moreso, she taught me the depth and breadth of true, unconditional love, and that if you really loved someone, you accepted them as they were and had no desire to change them into something else. No, dear reader of my blogs, I can say without a doubt that when I re-read my former writings I got no sense of not loving her.. but this should clarify quite distinctly how very much I cherished her then and still do. |
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Due to my present intense feeling of frustration of being, for once, at a loss for words on how I feel, I wasn't going to put anything down in here tonight. A recently acquired friend, though, reminded me of one of the books that changed my life... and I felt I might share how I feel in relation to the main character of the book: John Galt. I have spent a lifetime searching for the true life person who is like that fictional character.. to no avail. Oh, there've been those who think they are of his nature, but they are not. He was a man of no guilt, no fear, no shame.. none of the usual traits that hold humans back did he possess. So self-assured, intelligent, certain of each step he took was he, that others had no choice but to follow.. for they could never find another leader as secure to stand behind. He understood what it was to stand for everything he believed in, and was willing to risk all for his values, beliefs, core sense of right and wrong. So much about him could only enthrall a woman such as me.. for he respresented the purest form of intellect... and honor. Oh, I know.. there could be no such real life man, for we are human and have foibles and faults.. but a woman can hold a margin of hope of finding one similar to him. To walk even close to his side would alone be worth this very long, often futile feeling, trip of life I live... So here's to you, John Galt, may you find your one true love, even it isn't I, and live freely, with the knowledge of all that you are... and will be. |
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Today, as I wince each time I make a simple movement, I can say that the guy who invented the Nautilus weight lifting machines is one of the only Sadists who successfully produced and distributed a full line of bdsm furniture under the guise of 'exercise equipment' and got away with it. Not only got away with it, but made millions putting people through more agony than mosts Sadists ever dream of doing... lol. You start out light, and the first 5 or 6 reps are so easy you feel like you're doing nothing. By the 8th rep of your first set, you feel it a little. Next set, same weight, and again, it starts out easy. By the 6th rep of the second set your muscles are screaming, "No more! SAY THE FREAKING SAFE WORD!!" Thanks, Nautilus machine maker.. haven't had a more painful/pleasurable session in quite a while. |
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Oh, yeah... lingerie, coffee and doughnuts, 3 more things I can't live without... lol |
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There are many things I can live without... and a few I can't. Books, obviously, would be one of things I can't live without. They are my friends. My solace when I need to go away into another place, time or someone else's head. When we moved so frequently in my youth, we used to calculate the weight of our goods not in the usual fashion, but by first counting the boxes of books, then the weight of Dad's sheet music, guitars and other instruments, albums (yes, the vinyl kind that weighed a lot).. and then everything else was just excess stuff. Heck, sell the furniture, clothing, dump the dishes and be gone with the toiletries, but never, never leave behind the books and music. Oh, yeah, family photos, too. Especially the ones portraying any humiliating action or pose.. those had to stay.. I have them to this day. The rest? I can say without a doubt that I had more new bedroom sets in just the first 10 years of my life than most entire families have their whole lives. Along with all the other unessential items that might weigh too much and force the loss of the truly important items. What else can't I live without? Humor. I cannot fathom not laughing a lot. I can find amusement in so many things, some people would admonish me for laughing at, but it is my way of coping with the darker side of life, the pain, the sorrow. Gallows humor, quick witted humor, slapstick to a degree, pithy, odd... any type that can bring a smile or downright belly laugh from me is an important part of my daily life. I have coped with disastrous things through humor... and healed myself and others with it. If you have no sense of humor and cannot laugh at yourself, then you need to get one. It'll take a ton of stress and years off you. Yes, this can be a serious form of life at times. But if there is no fun in it, no joy, no time when we just let loose and get crazy funny, then what the heck good is it? And another thing I can't imagine not having regularly in my life is music. There have been times when all I had to get me through a day was the sound of pulsing rhythm.. words that made me pour out grief... a voice so beautiful I was taken away and lifted from despair. I can recall my daughter's early years.. filled with day after day, week after week, of nothing but doctor's appointments, surgeries, tests and nerve tearing assessments. I would have to drive from Cheyenne, Wyoming, to Denver, Colorado, for many of her medical procedures, and in the winter there were times when it was white knuckle weather.. if you've lived where there's heavy winters you know what I mean. Cars sliding off the road in front of you, making you want so badly to turn around and go back home so you wouldn't be another stastic on the highway. Hands gripping the steering wheel with so much force they cramp, sensing every gust of wind and vibration, judging the timing so you didn't hit ice at the same time a 50 mph wind slammed into your car and slid you like a sailboat across water. When you don't want to scare the crap out of your child, the only way to not expose your own fear is to find a way to alleviate it. Music, the DJ's banter, hell, even the radio commercials relieved me of wanting to cut and run and not have to take that barren trek across miles and miles of white emptiness. Crank up the volume.. head bang.. seat dance.. sing along.. take me away music has been my savior more times than I can count. But it has to be music I can feel. Music that stirs me. Music that moves me to some emotion or raw energy. I've heard supposedly great people play their pieces with the feeling of a dead fish. So they can be technically flawless. What good is it if they can't pour their hearts and souls into it? If they can't, it sure as heck won't make me do it, either. When I get restless, which is quite often.. lol.. I dance. I bust out Godsmack, Bon Jovi, REO Speedwagon, Def Leppard, Janis, Collective Soul, and a whole slew of other artists who put their very living, breathing entirety into their music and I dance. If I'm working and don't want so much energy pouring into me, I crank up Wagner, Andrea Bocelli, Tchaichovsky, Beethoven, Benny Goodman or any of the late greats that had a balance of beauty and soul to their music. Melancholy? Relaxed? Exhausted? Any way I feel, there is music to reflect, enhance, defer, reverse or excite the feelings. And to scene to? I can't get into a good scene without some form of music that reflects it playing. So if I'm ever stripped of everything but the essentials of life, to me, those three things would be among them. Tell me... what can't you live without? |
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It positively mystifies me why so few men put their photos on their profiles. I mean, in this day and age, when you can buy a digital camera for less than $30 (for at least a simple shot of you) what is the excuse? With scanners and all-in-ones, Kinkos and all the other print shops to help you, the library and many, many other resources for the superbly technology illiterate, the only reason not to put a picture up is because you feel poorly about your appearance. Oh, yes, I've heard so many other excuses. "Professional reasons" is one of my favorites. Um, excuse me, but you're putting up a photo under a completely assumed moniker, and you're putting it on a site with literally thousands and thousands of others, and it's a very specialized site, at that. IF, though the chances are very slim, someone in your profession happens across your photo, so what? They're on this site looking for something... so it's rather mutual blackmail. I shake my head at some of the other, more pitiful, excuses. My family members might see it. Same reasoning as professional. My wife might see it. Okay, this one flabbergasted me. I won't even bother to say anything snarky about that. In, and of itself, that statement says it all. My children might see it. Oh, good heavens. What are your young kids scouring a bdsm site for? And if they're grown kids, well, if they don't know you by now, you've not had an open relationship with them. And, again, I come back to the mutual blackmail thing. Please, put a freaking picture up. If you think you're so horrifying to look at, then you need counseling. There's an old saying that there's someone for everyone. It may not be me, or the next one, but by gosh, someone will see something in you that is magnificent, and she/he will completely overlook any faults you think you might have because of it. |
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My brain feels like mush.. lol. Gave up for a while, started just cutting and pasting images, listening to Godsmack.. my word they're talented. A lot of pain there.. makes me wish I could heal the emotional wounds of all who have them.. but I'm only one person. I've been asked how I can go on and keep smiling, laughing, enjoying life after quite a bit of pain.. and I can only say: Close the door. Just shut it. Walk away and start anew. We're given this life to enjoy and make as much as we can of. Sure, we fall on our asses once in a while, or get knocked to the ground by some obscene trickery of fate or mankind, but should we just lay there and wallow in the misery? Hell, no! Get up, dust yourself off, and accept that you're human and prone to the frailities of our kind. We get our hearts torn assunder by others, or rather we let our hearts get ripped up, but we can heal and mend and start afresh. BUT always remember, when dealing with emotional injury, EVERYONE you meet is not like that other person. In fact, no one is going to be the same, do the same to you, say the same things they did, or act in the exact same manner. We're all different. So if you find yourself backing away, living in the past, fearing to get hurt again, afraid to trust.. then it is only you holding you back. Only you can close the door to past hurts, only you can allow others to hurt you. And by gosh, you better treat the next person as if they are a whole new species, because frankly, they don't want to hear about your last lover/slave/sub/bitch or Dominant/Master/Top/MrMajesty.. whatever. We aren't them, we can't be them, so get over it. If you aren't moving forward, you sure as heck aren't standing still.. you're actually going backwards, for time leaves you in its dust, and pretty soon it'll be too late, that ripe moment that you should have grabbed is gone.. and you're just standing there, wondering where the time went, why you aren't getting anywhere.. and how the greatest times that could have been.. never were. |
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Today I embark on learning how to build a database driven website using MySQL and PHP. I feel like I'm back in college studying Algebra, which I loathed, and Geometry, which I adored. Algebra, to me, was like gibberish, taught solely for the purpose of driving me gonzo.. lol. I couldn't get it. It mystified me why I had to get it. Nor did I want to get it. I only wanted to make it through the class so I could graduate with a double major art AND sciences. Whereas Geometry had a purpose. I understood it immediately. I took myself (it was a self-driven class where you could advance by your own ability) through 4 years of Geometry in one semester, so readily did I pick it up. I could apply it to drafting and engineering, something else I got. But Algebra.. nooo... that took a very special educator to give me that epiphany.. that.. "Whoa! I GET IT!" that finally comes along at some unbidden point. Don't get me wrong, I didn't fall in love with Algebra then, but it did make sense and I passed the class (only 6 of the 36 students held out with the new professor since he was like Einstein) with a fair grade and much admiration for a new educator. To me, MySQL is like Geometry.. I get it. It's easy. I see the application, the commands make sense and are easy to learn. PHP, however, is like Algebra. It's going to be a while before that epiphany hits, but I darn sure hope it does soon, because learning it is giving me hives... lol. Now, you're asking yourselves, what on earth does ANY of this have to do with this website, lifestyle, or anything else to do with Collarme? Well, it has a lot to do with it. Like with the math and the database driven website learning, when I first started exploring my submissive side, my yearning, my want and need, I thought bdsm was what it was all about. Giving up physical control to another to let them do what they wished to me (within certain boundaries, of course) so that I could simply drift away for a spell. A quick release for someone who carried a lot of burdens. Then the epiphany hit. It wasn't bdsm at all that it was about. It was Dominance and submission, or the relationship derived from those, be it D/s or M/s or any other combination you may choose. The scenes, play, physical experiences had no value without first having a true D/s existence. In fact, I found I could live without the bdsm, but I couldn't live without the D/s. It was who I was, what I was, and really all I needed to take the breaths that kept me alive inside. I learned through that epiphany that it had everything to do with the mental, emotional and to some spiritual values in our lifestyle. It had to do with power and how it flows between a Dominant and submissive, and what each must yield to hold it and treasure it, for everything in life does have a cost or price. It was about honor, integrity, honesty, communication, trust, compatibility, values and so much more than the slap and tickle that's popularized today. It took more strength to give over my will and energy to another for OUR benefit, than it would ever take to simply lay still and be flogged. And since it did have a high cost for the things of true value, it also had great rewards. Peace, contentment, happiness, freedom, expansion, wonder, awe and so many feelings only vaguely known by those who haven't fully ventured into this. Too, though, if one only explores the bdsm side to this and things go awry, you've only the physical pain to overcome, and that is so very easy to heal from than the loss of a true D/s relationship. You might miss the feeling of submitting for a spell, getting that endorphin rush, and short-term freedom it enables, but it won't leave you yearning... crying out at night... devastated by loss if you don't have it like not living a full D/s relationship does when you're not in one. It won't leave you empty feeling, filling it with busy work, stuffing every moment with thoughts of anything to fill those gaping holes in your mind, heart, soul and body... simply to exist with some vague form of contentment... searching, endlessly searching, for your ONE. But when you do find Him.. or Her.. the sheer, raw beauty of a true D/s relationship becomes worth the longing you've suffered through. For within it, you've no fear, doubt, feelings of worthlessness, and it is limitless in its scope. You are empowered to be and do and have and give anything you choose to (within the laws of science, nature and proscribed legalities) and to do so freely without fearing repercussions from your Mate. They, also, know the freedom to explore all they've desired, for it is within that openness, that power exchange, the full trust of another, are they fully in command of all that they choose to be. We are then each living our roles.. who and what we are meant to be... and are comfortable beyond measure, finally able, to be ourselves. I have spent decades learning all I can so that when my last, true love comes along, I'll have so much to give Him he could never want for another. I have borne much in this life, and gathered enough strength and emotional power to deserve my One.. and to be able to yield that to Him when the time comes. This epiphany, the difference between bdsm and D/s, has brought me more knowledge and eye-opening discoveries than a thousand lashings could have ever given... I hope that each of you discovers the true why and wherefor as I did... and that you find your mates... I am still holding out hope for mine. |
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And when the long day is done.. what do you do? What do you think? Do you go to your bed, anxious only for that oblivion, that place of darkness where all is silent and quiet? Or do you hope to have vivid, life-like dreams that take you to strange new places and new experiences possible only in that fantasy realm of your subconcious? Do you lay and reflect on the day, pondering what you've learned and ways to better yourself and do more? Or do you try to shut out that day's events, not having lived it as well as you could have? I rarely look forward to my bed. Not for fear of what my mind might recall, but for fear that I may miss something splendid. Not because I don't choose to reflect on the day's events, for I do that standing in the mirror each night.. accepting judgment from the only person on earth who has a right to do so.. myself. And I am nearly always capable of facing myself squarely, knowing I've done my best, so it is not out of reluctance of facing myself that I choose to stay up as long as possible.. it is out of sheer curiosity of what else is out here for me to see, hear, learn, imagine, contrive, and do. How can anyone possibly be bored in this world... so fascinating with all there is around us.. and all at the touch of our fingers on a few key strokes to take us anywhere, seeing anything, making the world small and available right here, right now. Sleep? Pah.. as my mother used to say.. I'll sleep when I'm dead. So once more off I go to learn some more. I wish I had someone to sit with and marvel at all there is within our grasp... do things together that we've learned that day.. share what we found and wonder at it together. But, alas, there is but the pets and I.. and they don't much care about quilting or roses... a new flogger design or how best to bake potato bread. Someday perhaps I'll have my One.. until then.. those of you who wish to dwell in the realm of the quiet subterranean world of dreams.. may they be brilliant and inclusive of all that you desire! |
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Passion. Am I wrong in yearning for it in my Dominant? Am I wrong in seeing it waning within others.. as if the very force and beauty of this life has been leeched out of them leaving only droids and shells of former human beings? I approach life with a zeal that seems to mystify those around me. I don't understand why. I am a free woman, in a free country with the world, nay, the very universe at her fingertips. Why should I not feel as if each day is nothing less than a gift to open and prize? Why should I not approach it not with caution, but with reckless abandon to achieve all that I can stuff within its 24 hour frame? Has no one else this sense of obligation to pursue relentlessly that which they desire? Have they no passion for the life they lead.. and if not, why? I crave to again feel that roaring blaze of passion ignited through a spark of chemistry, thought, imagination and desire. The rend the clothes from each other, sheer revelry, animalistic wantonness derived from the passion of two souls meeting on a level known only to them. Not only physically, but emotionally and mentally. The shared assault on each others' goals, dreams and visions that only comes from living their lives united and spitting in the eye of fate... for we shall make our own. I cannot succumb to this need I feel to give up and settle for that which is not all that seek. I will not respond to those who feel that simply because they've reached a certain age in life, it is time to give up and lay down and let the world trod upon them because they haven't yet reached their pinnacle of happiness. I can only continue on, searching for HE who exists somewhere.. HE who also senses that there is more to be had from his existence if only he could find one with the same naked force of will, that power exchange so many speak of, but possibly do not actually grasp. I live my life passionately.. love deeply.. care intensely.. pursue relentlessly.. LIVE hopefully, not hopelessly. Am I alone in this? Oh.. passionate one.. find me, please. |
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Since I have recieved the most mail regarding my desire for a Dominant who has known since youth who and what he is.. I shall address that issue now.
Many of you wrote me stating that I was overlooking those who are new to this lifestyle, and those that recently woke up one morning and said, "By gosh, I'm a Dominant!" You're right. I have been overlooking those men. I am at fault for that and willingly admit it. I think you should forgive me for what you concieve as a blatantly ignorant opinion.. but I shan't recant it.
I understand that many people have been reluctant to approach this sub-group of ours called bdsm, that perhaps their predilictions for play may have been buried within until they found the courage to go out and explore them. I also understand that for a very long time this loved life of mine was underground and many people are only learning of its existence and that others share their desires, wants and needs.. their opposites.. their submissives. I was not refering to those people at all when I wrote my profile. Those Dominants might be new to BDSM, but I still contend that they have always been aware of their existing role of 'Dominant.'
When I spoke of whom I seek, it was from the D/s or M/s aspect, not the BDSM aspect, which I think many confuse. Those whom I referred to have ALWAYS been the leaders, the thinkers, the doers, the go-getters. They, since childhood, may have always walked to their drum alone.. but regardless of their solitude in their feelings and knowledge.. have kept walking to it, knowing it was right for THEM. They were not bullies, as so many of you thought I meant. Instead, they felt no need to prove their superiority or prowess. They simply knew their place was close to the top of the food chain, and proved it through the way they lived their life. My ONE, my Natural Dominant, or if you prefer my Alpha Male, has never had a chip on his shoulder.. has never felt a need to exploit his Dominance in a domineering fashion unless it is with his submisssive in a role-play or bdsm capacity... for the sheer joy of the agreed upon scene. Instead, he is probably the opposite of what many of you assumed I meant. He was the one in his youth whom others turned to for guidance or a creative way out of a sticky situation. He was the one who was given charge of projects and goals on a team. He didn't need to wrest control of things from anyone, people simply knew he could do whatever it was that was set before him. He very well may have been considered 'odd' because he didn't engage in the normal pissing contests of youth. But he was always considered dependable and a stand-up kind of young man. Creativity dwells within the mind of this Alpha Male I seek. That and a deep well of passion for those things he cares about. If he engages in something, it is because he desires to, and he will pursue it to its end because it becomes another passion. These traits were developed early on, I believe. It would be a virtual miracle (and you'll note that I'm NOT discounting the possibility entirely) for a brow-beaten, drone worker, uncaring person to suddenly wake up and be the total opposite. I simply haven't met anyone who has, and if you're out there and I've offended you, I sincerely apologize. But I've found through my experience that most of those who deserve the title Alpha Male or Dominant have always had respect of others (barring those who are petty and jealous of them) without asking or demanding it. Their sheer presence and capability earns it from those around them.
Yes, they may have walked their paths in life without early on discovering their penchant for the bdsm side of this lifestyle.. but they never questioned their abilities or role in life.. they always KNEW they were secure within themselves. They were the rocks others clinged to in a crisis, and they still are to those people who need one in their lives.
I hope I've further clarified what I have been seeking.. yearning for. I hope those that have taken the time to read my blog have not even more become riled by these words. If I could as easily define what I mean as I feel it, I'm certain those reading this would immediately understand my intent. Unfortunately, it is far easier to feel it than to write it.
To me, there are two halves to this life I lead. That of bdsm.. which is the 'play' or 'kink'.. and that of D/s or M/s. Should you so desire, write me and ask why I differentiate the two if you don't already understand my thoughts on it.
Next time, I'm addressing 'passion' and how I seem to find so many people who are apparently lacking it.. that heart pounding, adrenaline rush that comes from so much in life.. and seems so very obscure anymore. Oh, what I wouldn't give for a bit more passion from the Dominants I've met! |
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Okay.. I don't get it. Period. My mind can't wrap around this and I need it explained as one would to a 3 year old. Why is it men write me here.. ask me to go to lunch or meet for coffee or something.. and when I write back saying, "Sure! I'd be glad to meet to talk to you!" I never hear from them again... lol... Is this like punishment for being real? Or do they actually just live this fantasy life and if someone does say yes, they panic because they are nothing like what they say they are on here? Should I give them a dozen reasons why I can't meet them, then they'd be my friend for life?? Just sign me... sooooo confused. |
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Please do not call me a 'sub'. I am not a 'sub'stitute, 'sub'standard, 'sub'marine, nor any other 'sub' item or adjective... except submissive and substantially bright, kind and caring. If you address me with something like, "Are you a sub looking for a Dom?" I shall disregard you immediately. It's all about mutal respect here. I respect your full definition, Dominant, please respect mine. And the term 'subby'? Need I even bother going there?? |
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Everyone asks me what I do for a living. Truth be told, one of things I do is manage a XXX Adult Store. Oh, yes... I LOVE my job usually! Sure, just like any other job, there's times that I want to pull my hair out and run out the door screaming, "Is there NO intelligent life left on the planet??" Employees will do that to you sometimes... so will the quarterly inventories. But, really how cool is it to be able to order adult toys and games and fetish equipment and lingerie and a thousand porn videos at a time? Pretty damn cool. But this, too, should explain why I don't rapidly reply to those of you who feel the need to shower me (oh, gawd, don't take that literally) with your fantasies involving me, you and whatever you call your private part. Not because I don't like sex anymore, I like it.. a lot.. but because I am so inundated with it during my daily life, it's like a vacation when someone writes me asking if I read Steven Hawking's newest theory.. or telling me about a particularly good mystery they're reading.. or a newly discovered planet.. or a creature thought long ago extinct discovered on some remote island.. or if I saw the newest retro Dodge with a HUGE freaking engine in it. Now THAT stuff will get my attention way faster. Yes, I've had some interesting things happen at the store... It's a retail store.. there's bound to be amusing anectedotes, right? Too, I've had my share of mysteries.. like the time I worked a full day shift and my night guy came in and worked a shift, and when he went to close, he found an entire woman's outfit (panties & bra included) in one of the private viewing booths. He called me and asked if I'd seen a naked woman leave the store that day. Hmmm... No, I told him, I didn't recall seeing one. Did he happen to notice one? Nope, he said. And he'd have noticed, trust me. Now where the heck did all those clothes come from? I'll never know... And of course there's the guys who come in and think yanking their schwanker in front of one of my female clerks or I will be a big thrill. Um, word of advice? A PORN store is not the ideal place to get shock value from that act. And considering the size of the... er, men, in the videos around the store, it's most likely just going to make me roll my eyes, walk over to the gag section, pick up the condom for 2" or less peckers, and hand one to him right before I kick his behind out the door for insulting my staff and I. Yeesh. Mostly, though I get people just like us.. wait, maybe that's not a good example.. lol.. I'm on a fetish site! Okay, normal people just looking to spice up their live's a little, or put some zing back in their romance. I have couples from 20 to 80 come in, and I love 'em all because they are open-minded enough to be there, and do something when it gets a little redundant in the bedroom. Now that is very awesome. When I'm 80 I hope to gawd I can still want sex enough to try a bunch of stuff to keep my man happy. Heck, yeah. That's love! |
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Trapped.. like a rabbit in light, not knowing which way to run, but wanting out so badly it's nearly overcome with fear and hopelessness. That's how I feel sometimes. I can't relocate. Oh, I've talked to some here that would be a delight to know, yet I am unable to leave behind the many responsibilities I carry. So, if you're inquiring as to my health from a long distance, thank you, I'm hanging in there. If you are proposing I simply rip up the deep roots of my life to gallavant to wherever you are and start all over again, leaving behind family members who desperately need me, dream on... it isn't going to happen. I wish you the best of luck in your journey. Mine is a hard enough row to hoe. |
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Now back to my tale... I became 10 when it seemed everyone on earth started turning to me in times of crisis or need. It was the end of my childhood. My slut-piano bar playing-alcoholic grandmother moved in with us for a short time (in between the grandpa's of the month) and I somehow became the one 'responsible' for her well being. Hey, I'm 10, hello! Have you ever tried to lift 180 lbs. of inebriated animosity when you weigh about 65 lbs. soaking wet? Don't get me wrong, even then I knew my grandmother and I had things in common.. the slut part was attractive to me even then. BUT she would stand in the kitchen ironing the frozen sheets (she refused to use the dryer and hung everything out to dry regardless of the temperature.. let me tell you putting on frozen pants in the morning is definitely not a treat) and saying things like, "If you were my daughter, I'd beat you till you bled and begged to be my daughter again." It wasn't psychologically conducive to showing her a lot of affection. I tried. Heaven knows I tried. I have always been gentle like that.. forgiving.. trying to make others smile and be happy. She made it damn hard, though, not to just pick up a cast iron skillet and bean her a couple of times. So, after my sister, who wasn't as hesitant to verbally and physically assault the old lady, made it clear to my mother that she didn't think I was doing such a great job of taking care of her, my Mom moved Grandma to an apartment not too far from us. I used to ride my bike down there with bags of grocieries and sit by her side watching her in fascination as she crocheted, watched t.v. and insulted me all at the same time. A multi-tasking miracle, she was. I think it was persistance that eventually wore her down. Nothing she could say or do would prevent me from taking care of her to the best of a ten-year-old's ability. She quit drinking.. the first time in her life she was sober for longer than a day, and it was like a switch turning on the very cool grandmother control. Don't get me wrong.. she was still a bitch.. but a funny bitch, and she'd dress up and go out without her teeth and men would fall all over themselves trying to get her attention. Now THAT was a secret she had that I really wanted to learn.
At the same time, I found my sister's friends telling me their life stories. My mother's friends calling and talking to me first to let me know what was going on in their lives. My Dad would sit with me on the front porch, wrapped warm in a sleeping bag, looking at the stars and telling me things about his life that wrenched my heart and made me proud at the same time. Strangers would smile at me on the street and call me 'honey' or 'sweetie' before they dumped all their problems on my young head. It was horrifying, and if I had been smarter at the time, it could have been really, really financially fortuitous. I knew things about people that I'm positive they would pay to keep secret.
So, it seemed to be my lot in life. Grandma eventually moved to Florida with my Aunt Natalie who was a nurse.. turns out she sobered up only to find out she had terminal pancreatic cancer. We were living in CA when my mom came outside and I looked at her and simply said, "Grandma died." Then the phone rang and I spent the day negotiating the troubled water of my mom's near grief for a lost mother who left her to be raised by her own grandparents when she was a child. It is a memory I wish I could simply erase.
How does this explain why I'm not a switch? I think because it became my nature was plainly that of a nurturer. Sure, I was capable as I grew of becoming anything I wanted, but I never failed to lend a shoulder, dry a tear, make someone smile, be there against all odds when needed and take care of those people that needed me throughout life. It's hard to differentiate sometimes between being a submissive and still leading a dominant role in people's lives as a caregiver, but I can do it somehow. Mayhaps I am switch in that regard. I am rock steady in a crisis, I am dependable to a fault, I am steady when others quake with grief or fear, I can go into work and lead my employees both through example and directives. So, in that aspect, I am dominant. BUT when it comes down to the core of me... I want.. nay NEED to have the peace that comes only from submission. To be able to relinquish control, not constantly make decisions, not be continually responsible, not have to choose in life and death situations. To care for and love with all that I have the man who takes my breath away with his sheer passion of life. To say to him without hesitation, "As you wish." To join him in a journey we two are fortunate enough to take.. a journey that is only ours and experiences that can rock our world. To be ONE and know my place and his place and never to wonder what I'm supposed to say or do because it will be simply apparent.
I took care of both my parent's in their last years. I was there when the decision had to be made whether to put my Father on life support or let him go. I was with my Mother when her heart failed, and I held her close so she wouldn't be alone when she passed on to whatever is next. I sat silently through the doctor's telling me my daughter was going to die.. then that she'd never live past 1.. then that she'd never walk or be able to sit up.. then that she wouldn't be able to learn.. then that she would never live independently. Through countless doctor's appointments, through numerous surgeries, through the sucky school system, through it all, I stood firm in my belief that I could make a difference, and I did. My sister, for all her dominant tendencies, stayed as far away as possible from the true pain in life. And then expected me to comfort her in her grief at the loss of Mom and Dad, and the fears of losing my daughter. And so I did, because no matter how mean she was to me as I child, I love her and care deeply for her. I don't tell you these things for pity.. I have none for myself. I did what came naturally and it was only a part of life, as death is to all of us. I tell you this so you'll understand when I say that I consider myself an Alpha submissive.. capable, intelligent, strong, empathetic, intuitive, sensual, nuturing, and all other things wrapped up in those of my kind. There are more like me. I hope they know the power that enables them to give the greatest treasures they have to their ONE.. their submission and all that they are.
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Before getting back to my nauseatingly long story.. I'd like to wish a Happy New Year to all those reading this... no, my calendar is nowhere close to yours so I celebrated mine a while ago, but what the heck.. if there's a party to celebrate something.. I'm all for it! |
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It's my sister's birthday. She's presently in Aruba enjoying her holiday season.. Hopefully. I've been told I'm verbose now.. lol No, really? It's my journal.. I like to write.. and so I shall. However, if it is too painful for those of you who choose to read it, I shall stop here, and simply say...
Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukkah, Festiva, Winter Soltice delights and all the other cheerful holidays that are celebrated this year.
I can only wish for three things this holiday season... That my daughter never has to go through another surgery. That my sister's MS against all odds goes into remission.. and on a selfish note, that I find my 'one' before I'm too damn old to enjoy him!
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No, to those reading this, I didn't believe I was a boy. My mother made certain my sister and I got all the debutante training anyone would want to suffer through, so there was no doubt of that. However... my Dad prayed for a girl to be born because my mom was dead set against raising a boy the same way he would. No organized sports would be played by their boy if they had one. (Dad loved sports.. you can bet the kid would have been in every sport he could find or create.) No teaching him to be 'like a man' and not show emotion or do anything impractically violent. And so on... Thus, Dad (not being a dummy, either) hoped for a girl, as he knew that would make Mom happy and they wouldn't eventually go to Divorce Court because of how to raise a boy. And here comes that BUT again.. Mom didn't consider that Dad might actually start teaching the new girl how to do stuff a guy does. He'd tried it with my sister, but she was too Diva-tized to be much good at the things he liked. Besides, she'd calculated how long she'd be grounded if she succeeded in killing me, didn't like the numbers, and was now busy trying to figure out ways to make it look like an accidental death. So, starting at an early age.. around the time I could drool sufficiently to be useful as a lube gun when he needed one.. Dad began teaching me the fine art of 'guydom'. I'm pretty sure he created flash cards with tools on them, and would sneak in at night when Mom wasn't looking and run me through them twenty or so times so I'd learn what they all did before I could even hold one. Thus it went.. Mom teaching her girls how to grow up and be wonderful wives by knowing things fashionable, artistic, theatrical, domestic and such, and Dad taking me out for 'ice cream' which was his euphemism for target practice or hunting nightcrawlers, or going to the 'park' which meant heading down to a barren spot to crawl under the car and get all greasy and muddy or watch the sky or learn survival techniques. Girls weren't allowed in sports like football and stuff back then, so there was no argument with Mom about those. Anyway, Mom didn't gripe about his clandestine activities with me (like she wouldn't know exactly what was going on, but was smart enough to pretend she didn't) because all the guy stuff was making me strong enough to defend myself against my sister's and cousin's sneak attacks. Of course, due to my proficiency with tools and weapons, by the time I was eight, she used to frisk us all at the door when we went out to 'play' to make sure we weren't carrying anything more lethal than our mittens. Huh.. guess she didn't know how good a cosh mittens can be when they're loaded with rocks, wet down and frozen. Needless to say, as the years progressed, my sister despised me even more because I was 'Daddy's Girl'. Mom liked her more, balancing out the equation, but she disagrees. When we weren't moving (we'd move an average of 3 times a year due to Dad's various careers... at least that's what they told me, but I wondered back then whether it was because my sister was wanted for some crime) I'd be taught both the fine art of womanhood and the great world of guyhood. So I was, in effect, being trained to be both submissive and Dominant at the same time. So, how come I didn't turn out to be a switch?? |
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... my sister.. named me after a dog. Yes, a D O G. My mother sensed that the 4-year-old didn't want another child around the house.. probably due to the immediate response of my sister heading for the kitchen knife drawer with murder in her eyes. So, being a wise woman, my mother thought that by letting my sister name me, that would make her a part of the birth and union of baby and older sister. A precocious child, I'm certain my sister picked a name with malice aforethought.. she swears she loved the neighbor's dog, Suzie, but I know her real intent. With glee my parents adopted the new name (O m g.. traitors! I was going to have a cool name like Stormy or Roberta!) and announced me to the world as Susan. The day of my homecoming arrived and they presented my sister with her Suzie. Deleting the bad words she said, "I wanted a puppy! Where is it??" Hmph.. so much for the warmth my parents expected. Much less so when days later my sister utilized her 'option out' motive (She swears there used to be a contract agreeing to use her chosen name for me, and including an 'option out'.) and tried to bash my head in with a hammer! Guess she figured if I were gone, she'd get that darn puppy. Mother didn't approve of her actions, and kept me alive, much to my sister's angst. Thus began our relationship.. and so it continued through the years.
Sooo... perhaps being the brunt of many, many schemes and beatings, of having to pay a quarter to use the toilet, and fifty cents if I needed to do the other.. It was merely self preservation that led me to the submissive role. Besides, it's hard to be the dominant one when you're stuffed in a rollaway bed with your cousin and rolled down a long flight of stairs, don't you agree?
BUT.. and this is a big one, at the same time my sister and her near age cousin were using my near age cousin and I as entertainment value when the Saturday Night Fights weren't on, my father was living out HIS dream of raising a son... and confusion roared it's ugly head within my own. |
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What forms us to become who we are? I can reflect on my past and see that I was not raised as most young girls are. I am a dichotomy, a freak, to some. Yet, I feel fortunate having had the childhood (however brief) I had, and still thank my parents in my mind for giving me all that they did. Knowledge, mostly, and the ability to forgive.. which I had to do a lot of since I had an older sister... and sometimes 3 older 'sisters' and one near my age when my cousins would come to live with us. You have to be a really good listener when there's that many girls in one house.. or else you never hear just the right sigh or mumble that lets you know you can get into the bathroom if you move fast enough. Maybe I'm the way I am in part because I took so many whallopings from my older sister and cousins. Well, not the oldest one.. she was too busy ratting her hair to heights formerly thought only in use by aircraft and singing off-key to Patty Page and Nancy Sinatra and the like. Nope, she turned a blind eye (that's what happens when you use so much hairspray) to all the goings on that amounted to bloodshed and brutality. My slightly younger cousin and I suffered through things at those girls' hands that make me cringe to this day... |
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It took me a little while, but I believe I have done my best this night to respond to all those who wrote. Let me say here that too often people don't take the time to actually reflect on how fortunate we are to be in this day and age where we can reach across entire continents and communicate in a split second. Too, while I do place physical restraints on whom I seek, I do not want those not fitting my criteria to be offended by my personal tastes and desires. You are who and what you are, and each of us in some way impacts those around us and contributes to this wonderful world. While I might not personally be interested in you, there WILL be someone along the way who is.. and we can only 'keep on keeping on' as a famous musician once sang.. and do our best to look forward to the time when we find our bliss. If my posts seem blunt to the point of rudeness, I will not apologize, for I am of a mind that if I don't speak honestly about who I seek, than I will never find them. I have no desire to waste other people's precious time writing me when there is no hope that I shall consider them. In an old business I used to be in, I learned to teach others to know that there are many out there but 'many' aren't who we are looking for. It all comes down to this somewhat blunt saying. "Some will, some won't, so what, next...!" |
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Holy cow! What a barrage of messages I've received! I feel, since I'm still being beset with them, that I shall post this to let you all know that I shall do my utmost to respond either in the affirmative or with declined interest to each of you. Manners, you know. I have them in spades. If you grow impatient waiting, I apologize. For those of you who didn't actually READ my profile, but just looked at the picture and sent your demands, well.. I'll respond to you later than the others, I fear. Please allow me to reiterate a few of the most cogent points: No overweight (obese, having breasts I would be envious of, etc.) need respond. I smoke. If you think you're going to break me of the habit, convince me of my wrongdoing, chastise me for risking my health.. umm.. hello? I'm a submissive.. I've laid down and let someone take a lethal weapon to my body... your point? I am TALL flatfooted.. I'm a freaking amazon in heels, and I very much enjoy wearing heels. Okay.. those are somewhat important physical points. The mental points are: I have a very large I.Q. and an enormous array of interests. If you can't first pique my curiousity through my vanilla interests, than I doubt there will be much hope of getting together for the more diverse interests we share here. The largest sex organ is my mind.. stimulate it, please. On another note, I manage a XXX store.. if you think describing your physical prowess is going to turn me on.. puhlease don't. I see enough of it in my daily work to know it isn't size that matters.. it's what's between the ears, not the legs.
Okay! That's it for now.. back to reading and responding.. be well, and THANK YOU ALL for this warm and friendly welcome! |
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Ahh.. finally at rest this evening. What a lovely feeling it is to have a day well lived behind me.. and another to look forward to. Perhaps almost a whole day off from my day job tomorrow! How refreshing...
I am finding that there are fewer and fewer true 'lifestylers' on these sites. The M/s or D/s relationships seem to be overrun with those who are now looking at this as a lark, an experience, a fad. BDSM has taken precedence over what are truly the most remarkable things about this lifestyle. People want to know what 'you're into' rather than what you believe. They thrive on finding out your sexual fantasies without wishing to know what your dreams are. They can't seem to concentrate on anything but the 'kink' and I feel for them.. they are missing out on the best parts of this sub-culture. The ability to go home to your mate and know your place there... no oneupmanship to secure the lead in the household or establish your importance to the other.. you KNOW where you stand at all times. The intimacy there is by being able to share the whole of your thoughts, desires, feelings, beliefs and nature with someone.. without fear of being judged or rejected for them. The knowledge that what you give to the other is best for the two of you, not just for yourself. The ability to go out and with one look feel the heat of passion sear through you... build an anticipation of returning to the world you most enjoy. How is it that anyone can put the importance of how big my nipples are above how easy I am to talk to when the day is done.. and you need the ease and comfort of a warm hand and heart? I don't understand it.. but it appears that the physical side of things has become so much more important than those things that brought me into this lifestyle to begin with: open communication, expansion of my mind, stretching my boundaries, the pure freedom of being bound to another... and so much more. |
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All right.. I'm temporarily back. Yes, temporarily. It all depends on you. I have sought and sought.. gone through countless trips to places I have no desire to re-visit... physically, virtually, psychologically and emotionally.. in order to meet and attempt to find my one Dominant. All to no avail. If you don't look like your photo, do not bother writing me. That is the first lie in what I will presume to be many down the road. I am a submissive.. not some broad looking for a quick piece of tail.. and I am not going to send you pictures on request simply because you ask me to. I refuse to address anyone here or elsewhere (other than my job) as "Sir" "Master" "Mr. Big Shot" or any other title you place prior to your name. Respect is earned... yours, as well as mine. |
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| Age: 30 |
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Colorado |
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