curveycoyote

lonely but not alone.....its a hard concept to explain to someone whos not lost a loved one.
 Went to my parents today everyone was cheerful, up beat but i could see it in little things they said, little looks passed 'poor her be careful what you say dont mention Him' Him being the One i was happy living for before fate took Him away. Would of been easier if He was mentioned acknowledged, the pain would of been passing instead of something i had to hide for the whole afternoon.
 I read alot of the subs/slaves on here, on their demands, their wants their being a sub to one Man yet a Mistress to someone else. It wasnt so complicated when i met Him. We met and something inside Him called to me, the easy confidence, the understanding. He never laughed at me, allowed me to suck my thumb, to be scared to simply walk into His arms for a cuddle. He gave me rules,structures and boundries we were happy. There was no contract in fact we married.
Now it seems everyone wants a contract, i took His collar and i would of worn it forever through the good times and the bad times, simple because i belonged to Him. He was my Daddy,Master and Husband and now i see how truely lucky i was. I was happy having a Male as head of my household, happy being his partner,helpmate,listening ear. Yes we discussed decisions, but in the end the decision was always His, i didnt argue if it wasnt what i wanted i accepted He was myMaster and He decided things. It was freeing to just let go. Freeing to just have to worry about pleasing Him. Freeing to be owned and needed because i was simply His.
How can i explain that to people outside the lifestyle.. i cant ... their view would be i should stick up for myself more, im his equal etcetc... and yes that may well be how some people see it. But i didnt and i dont i was happy simply being His. But now Hes gone and im sad and lonely im not alone i have my son and i have my family but i dont have mydecision maker i dont have my shoulder to cry on. i dont have Him.
Writing this gets me nowhere but i need to let it out somehow, the tears for Him and for us will come later when myson is safely asleep. Then i will curl up on the sofa, watch a disney movie cuddle a teddy and suck my thumb, because thats when He would simply of held me close and comforted me with His presence, il cry and close my eyes and feel Him here and il tell Him i miss Him.
 In the morning will wake up and be cheerful for my sons sake and we both probably will be upset when we read the christmas cards we wrote for Him. but it will be healthy crying and part of our healing.
I miss Him and it hurts and yes im moving on but i was with 1 Man for the whole of my young womanhood from 17years old until 36 and i was free in His collar, i am what i am yes im big, some will like that some wont *shrugs* thats life, but i never try to be any different than what i am. He taught me that.