CoolDaddyD

Male Dominant, 49, Columbia, Maryland

Male Dominant, 21

Male Submissive, 30, santa barbara, California

One Year Ago:   It's been a little over a year now since I've moved back down from the Northeastern part of the US...the NY/NJ/PA area to be specific.  Being born and raised here in the Sunshine State, I was happy to return (hopefully never to leave again) and get back to what I have missed for a little over two and-a-half decades earlier.  I wasn't concerned about the heat and humidity:  I welcomed and craved it.  I wasn't worried about the cost of living or politics, since that is relatively everywhere, and manageable usually.  I was a little apprehensive however, on what I would find as far as the kink-scene was concerned.   The Northeast has spoiled me somewhat.  Spoiled in the absolute saturation of kink in that area.  A lot of clubs private and not so private.  A lot of play spaces and parties available from DC to Boston, if you knew the right people.  There was even a B&B that was lifestyle oriented where you could play outside in the woods (my girl had a desire to be tied between two trees, or at least tied to a tree...she's a "tree hugger" of sorts).  Munchies and other events were common, and some had over a 100 attendants at times; including TES Fest, Floating World, and some exciting annual events in Deleware and in the DC area.   So when I started to consider moving back down, one of the first things I did was search out for BDSM groups and places to go and experience what my home-state had to offer.  A hopeful dreamer and optimist, I looked forward to coming back down; and having a taste of what was here.  It's been a little over a year now, and I have to say it has been a little bit of an adjustment.  I didn't think that it was going to be the same, or close perhaps; but I did feel that there would be more of the lifestyle out there a little more mainstream than when I left in late 80s.   In 1980, I had returned the first time; when my family had to move up to NJ.  I had already been introduced to kink way before then actually when I was just coming out of junior high here in Florida.  I won't go into details here (that's another story), but I moved back down the first chance I got; and found that I was a kinky young person living in the constricted Bible-belt of Central Florida.  Not a vibrant place to be, and a bit more righteously dangerous depending on others would take your particular brand of kink with their perspective...nothing like breaking moral and eithical (and possibly some perceived legal) laws while practicing SSC BDSM.  They just don't see it the same way. So it's been some time since I've returned this time, and just with any move; you will want to reach out sometime soon to make new friends and acquaintances be they vanilla or kinky.  My schedule has nearly prevented this from happening, but I'm hoping that will change.  Just have to get into a rhythm or stride, and when things fall into place; then you know it's time to venture forth.  I'm thinking it is about this time, and so I'm looking forward to creating some new friends on the kinky side of life.  We shall see!

The Face and Body of CM and CS:  There have been changes and ever-evolving circumstances as well as content when it comes to  CM and now CS.   Some of it for the good, others just different due to changes beyond any one person's control.  I like many MANY others were sad to see that CM was no more, and yet equally as thrilled  when CS was brought into existence.  I'm still excited to see CS thriving and still growing.  But what of the body? The message boards were very active when CM was up and near the end, the content seemed to be more geared towards people who were fishing for just enough information to either satisfy research for their college term papers or class assignments in dealing with some psycho-social relationship class; or looking for fodder to fill in their efforts on writing the perfect e-reader book ala "If she can write Fifty Shades Of Grey, then why-oh why can't I?"  Sort of left off from those genuinely wanting to learn something about BDSM for the sake of BDSM, was more about those picking the brains of those in the lifestyle in order to procure a gain in fame and fortune.  Felt a little cheapened then really, but still feeling positive about it overall even now.   The BDSM community is more vast than it is official in the world.  This will change the more mainstream BDSM becomes.  CS helps bring this to fruition.  The people in all the different areas are not so homogeneous in the way they interact with each other locally.  I'm finding that after having moved into different locales/states, the locals can quite different than in the last place.  Some applaud this kind of diversity, and rightly so.  Others however, may come to realize that the grass isn't as green in one area as it is in another...although there are some mighty fine green spots in some places! My former spot was as green as an LPGA competition course.  My new location has been from what I have heard becoming greener than it was.  I understand this.  I was here many years ago, and the BDSM scene was like a sand trap on an LPGA competition course.  Pretty barren.  Glad to see that this is changing.  I'd like to see this sort of growth and development progress even further.  It seems like the general feeling of interacting with other fellow BDSM'ers is a little more tepid than where I was before.  You might make friends (and I believe I have so far), but it also seems like there is more of a fickle feel as well.  Could be the meat-market factor, could be the swinger-saturated factor mixing in with that meat-market; but even to just reach out and start a friendship is a bit more taxing if not unlikely on many fronts.  Sad.  Sad to see it, to experience it, and I have empathy for so many more that honestly want to share and make more (or even SOME) friends; and get such a cold if not rude reception either by not being kind in even responding or getting a crude experience.  BDSM is to be fun and rewarding, not hurtful in a bad way.  So think about what you respond with, and remember there's a real live human being on the other side with feelings. Be Excellent To Each Other.

A thought:  Does the squeaky wheel ALWAYS get the lube?

Football season opens tonight! This means that I'll be losing my girl for the duration of the season when the Steelers are playing on TV...This also goes for baseball when the St. Louis Cardinals start their season as well.  We also have the Redzone Channel as well, so that means the monopoly of the remote during these sacred times...  The woohoooing and yelling and clapping and cheering, it's going to be loud some evenings at moments when things get tense in the game.  But hey! it's the season, and there are things you have to do to support your team in good times and bad (unless you're a Philly fan...if you are one, you know what I mean when their team screws up a play or game).  Out comes the "terrible towel", the well-worn Steelers shirt.  A lot of cussing at the referees.   Yes, I'm losing for a little while.  Does she mind?  Oh no!  It's not ME that's the rabid fan...I'm the one that will get "shushed" during the game for asking a question when a crucial moment come up.  She lives for this stuff!  I like football, but not like her.  Growing up, where I lived; there really wasn't a baseball team anywhere close by.  There was football, but we never went to a game; and besides I was that band kid...yes went to band camp and saw many wondrous things that I am not a liberty to talk about (that's the first rule of band camp, btw).  Sports were a bit discouraged for me since I was a musician, but that is another story.  I love that she loves this so much, and so I don't mind and sit back and enjoy it all.  I love to see her happy, and look forward to these nights.   Besides, I have my NASCAR; and I have had the occasion and the sweet need to restrain a sub or two (complete with gag) to not only enjoy  the race, but also to fulfill a promise (if not a punishment) I've made in the past.  So it's all good!

Submissives and Toys:  You may have heard about the concept of submissives and bottoms starting their own toy bag of implements.  Not a bad idea if you think about it... You may think "hey why me?  I'm the submissive, and why should I get my own toys, wouldn't that be like topping from the bottom?"  Not at all.  If you are a casual bottom, kinkster, or submissive; then this is a very good idea.  Here are some of the benefits to consider:  1.  No matter who the dominant is, you will not be without toys to be used on you.  2.  You can have these implements  used on you without fear of contamination from a toy that might have been used on someone else (skin, blood, sweat...), they have only been used on you. 3.  You can pick out which toys you like, love, can't live without (you may even treat your chosen torturer to a particular toy that you love to hate), selecting the ones you feel in the mood for when you head out to an event or party.  You will not be topping from the bottom per se, since  the dominant you're playing will have the choice of which ones you present before him or her (or them).  You are actually "bringing the switch to the ass-whoopin'" (some of you may remember that little ritual and an irate parent may have presented you with when you little and naughty...or a little more than naughty. 4.  You get to choose the color scheme to personalize your toys and expressing your individuality.  I had a submissive friend who's personal toy bag was color coordinated and impressive:  the same color for the restraints as well as the flails, crops, blindfolds, and such (besides this may appeal to one's 'mid-western propriety').   So you can fine-tune what you like to be used on you, safely, and proud to present the control you want to lend out to the dominant you look forward to serving.  Switches can benefit from this as well.  Take the love of canes some submissives enjoy, and with the understanding that the cane used on you is yours only, the size that you like, the feel that you know you will enjoy when used properly on you.

So here we are back in Florida...my home state.  Some things are the same, but so much more is different.  Having been away for so long, I feel that I need to rediscover the place where I was not only born; but raised as well.  I was into BDSM as far back as early 70s (most likely since before many people her who think they know all there is to know where even born).  But as I rediscover my home state, I'm also newly discovering more about the people here too.  Where I have been residing until now, was loaded with vast amounts of BDSM and kinky people.   You would think that people are people.  Not quite.  One would think that perhaps there would be a sense of kinship and openness even more so than up north.  Not quite.   There are a couple of really nice people that I have come in contact with so far, and for that I'm grateful.  The rest:  not quite.  Where I have been living, we help and support each other, share, and for the most part get along together on many levels.  I was hoping for that in this new area to some extent.  I'll remain hopeful, until it becomes silly to feel that way; or have enough new kinky friends that care and are cared for, or if it's come to pass that I was just mistaken.  In any case, I wish everyone well and happy kinks.

Respect: When it comes to BDSM, is this thing called respect; just a one way street reserved strictly for the dominant coming from the submissive?  Is respect something that is given for being the one in control?  Is it demanded or commanded?  Is it earned or just assumed?  The answers may shock you.  The truths may not be what one thinks... Despite some assumptions, respect is not as forthcoming and freely given for those that demand it.  Arrogance and ignorance sometimes cloud over the perspective that respect isn't automatic.  This is especially true for those dominants that feel that respect comes from the entitlements through self-appointment.  You don't get it for just calling yourself "Master", "Mistress", "Lord", or "Goddess" (or what have you...) Demanding and commanding are two difference things.  Respect is commanded by earning it, and not just demanding it from another.  Just as one is GIVEN to command, so is it with respect:  GIVEN by earning it.  Dominants, do you respect your submissives?  Some may think:  "how could I do that?  Submissives are lesser, weaker, deferring and don't deserve respect..."  BDSM in my opinion, is like a coin.  There are two sides to that coin, and is one side really greater that the other?  when you flip a coin, does one side come up more than the other?  So as it is for respect.  Respect is deserved by both the dominant and the submissive.  It is a point of equality not of entitlement.   How can you expect it if you don't give it as well?  Respect has to be nurtured and invested in.   One can't demand respect, because respect doesn't come that way.  How one acts and treats another, will dictate what you get back.  Fear is not respect, as well as other negative responses...resentment, anger, cruelty, ambivalence or indifference to name a few.  These are all stumbling blocks for respect.  You can't plant watermelon seeds and expect to get a mango tree when it comes to respect.  Of course this goes against those that crave humiliation, or shallow people who just want to get what they can for their own benefit and all else be damned.   And if that is how you establish a relationship with someone, and they are aware of and accept these sort of traits up-front; then more power to you.   In a solid relationship, respect and admiration caress each other lovingly.  It's ok if your partner sometimes makes mistakes, or isn't always up to par with shared experiences, immediate expectations and or such...They are not gods, or super-humans; but people.  They are not lowly creatures, lesser or sub-human, just people.  People that choose to interact, integrate, and even co-habitate with you:  cherish and respect them.  The quickest way to lose someone, is to either take someone for granted and/or diminish or lose respect for one or another.   I hold my submissive in the highest esteem.  She may be my submissive, deferring to me, my chew toy at times, the receiver of sensual sadism and someone who gives herself over to me to make us both feel better; but I cherish her and respect her utmost.  I don't demand it from her, she gives it back to me what I give her with enough exchange to where neither one of us knows who respects who the most.  A good part of that is love, and just as it's been said before; it is something nurtured and invested.  If you think that is daunting, then take up the challenge or  consider it lost...however it is so worth it to stand up to the challenge!

A Cautionary Concern:  There is a set of mixed emotions about times of late.  There are a lot of what I would call "new kink" players out there, and with that comes an increase of those that assume an inch equals a mile when it comes to BDSM.  The cumulative knowledge of safety and technique, psychology and mindset, the passion and the drive doesn't just lie in one book, or movie.  It requires more than just a quick glancing and a dismissive "OK, I got this...no way I can get it wrong...simple:  spank a couple of times, and act all dominant (which mostly translates out to "treat her like shit", and then get my blowjob for all my efforts...besides these girls are easy with low-self esteem if any..." The abusiveness and corruption that flows so easy with these predatory or ignorantly destructive souls that see the BDSM community as a hunting ground for getting their kicks without feeling any responsibility or accountability for their actions; since they hide behind the "I'm the boss, I call myself Master/Mistress: so therefore I AM, and above reproach since 'dems da rules!!"  Thinking that since the word "slave" means a free pass to live out garish fantasies thinking that the 'contract' they made up is truly legal in some way.  And abhorrently taking things like "monetary tribute" into the realm of one shade of grey step away from being not only an example of one of the 'deadly sins', but also pegging the legality of their acts.  People starting out not thinking about safety or technique, and ending up psychologically damaging, physically maiming or even accidentally killing another.  Dominants male and female,  performing without a hint or a clue.  Or using BDSM as an easy way to exploit, "taking candy from a baby", "separating a fool from their money", and thinking they'll just get rich quickly with a look and a strut, flailing a crop around like nazi-flavored porn star. All I ask is that perhaps these people might stop, look, learn, listen, and put the time in to not only do things right; but do them safely and properly.  It wouldn't hurt to have a passion for BDSM, and just think of it as an opportunity to fleece the (BDSM) sheep...Submissives:  Be aware, be wary, be able to remember to say no and that you can say no if it doesn't feel right.  You have power over yourself ultimately, and don't subject yourself to harm JUST because you are the "slave" or "submissive".  You always have the last say to yourself...how you put yourself and your trust in those to take control over you is up to you, and you can stop it anytime.  Dominants:  Learn the difference between reality and fantasy.  You don't have to punish for the sake of punishment, just because you read somewhere that it is the duty of the dominant to punish.  Punishment isn't always what you think it is.  Think about the emotional investments between both parties, not just the convenience of thinking you have an "out" built into a contract of some sort...submissives are feeling/caring/and sometimes obviously more emotionally invested in the relationship, while it's easy to wiggle out of it and leave them to become jaded and despairing while you leave "guiltless" through blindness by role identity.  There are consequences to words, deeds, and actions for those on both sides of the coin.  I gladly welcome new kinksters who incorporate BDSM into their lives, but for those that go blindly, go predatory, or greedily into this without really feeling the passion of it all; I truly have little in room in my heart towards them.  That is corruptible as a cancer is to a body.  There are documented cases in the news at times to support this corruption, souring the lifestyle to the general public, and putting those who love BDSM to suffer both directly and indirectly because of their doings.   I want to see things improve, to see those new people embrace BDSM and their realized kink in a healthy manner, free from the negativity and corruption; to help further acceptance into the general mainstream.  Remember:  only a little over fifty years ago, BDSM was considered in the APA as mental illness and treated as such.  This meant incarceration and some of the more brutally accepted forms of treatment to help cure those "afflicted" by what was considered  a mental disorder.  Let's stay looking forward, and not over our shoulders.  Learn and know, live and enjoy.

With the onset of the "50 Shades" frenzy, I suppose the collective kink pool will be slightly tainted light blue with the nearly uncontrollable release of those who wish to revel in their new-found kinkyness for that million-dollar "dominante" (by the way kids it's dominant...and here is a sentence to help out: "I am looking for a dominant who will dominate me").  Oh there is another thing while we're on terminology:  Female dominants are dominants as well as male dominants are dominants or doms for short.  Some people refer to female dominants as "dommes" to give it a more feminine feel, but the word is pronounced as you would refer to a male dominant:  "dom" or "doms" in the plural.  But the mistake in the pronunciation is "dom-may" for domme, when it should just be pronounced as "dom".  mmalal 185

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