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Pan Female Submissive, 36,  Flushing, Michigan
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cindy012365 - submissive

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Friends:
MsPersephone2KireiRendclawpatv2Hurricane95
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MichsadodomTHESEEKER4UleggymastressMasterOfLycansFetvest
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Greetings,

My name is Cindy. I am a bi-sexual, polyamorous, alpha-type personality Sadomasochist with a male submissive. We have been together for 7 years now, and that isnt going to change any time soon.

I have 18 years of experience in the lifestyle. I dont take crap off of anyone, and have been told that I can be quite intimidating. In my day-to-day life, Im quite Dominant and usually am in some kind of leadership role in andor out of the lifestyle. I am the co-founder of a local Flint-area group called MI RACK. Were on the black website, should you choose to check us out. Our munches are on the first Saturday of the month!

What Im seeking


A male Dominant for myself.
A female submissive for my pleasure.

Mostly what I am focused on right now is finding myself a Dominant. My boy is fun to play with and isnt going anywhere however, he knows that he cannot give me what I need. He really is not interested in watching me submit to anyone. Hes afraid that if he sees someone hurting me, he would be too protective...even knowing that I enjoy pain. Thus, he would not be present in our happy fun times, but would be more than willing to meet you in person with me.

Ideally, my choice Dominant would have experience. Im not above playing with new people, but for long-term, I need someone who has a knowledge base and fetish base comparable to my own. He should enjoy


Giving pain.
Edge play.
Some humiliation.
Mind fucks.
Breath Play.
Bondage.
Sensuality.

If you can cover those basics with room for a lot more, we can talk. If youre just here looking for sex, look elsewhere. The pain doesnt have to always be in extremes, just know that I enjoy it. I used to be able to take quite a considerable amount, but that was quite a few years ago.I am NOT INTO


Cum.
Bukkake.
Anal.
Piss.
Shit.
Puke.
Cutting.
Permanent piercings.
Permanent marks.
Heavy breast torture.
Lactation.
Animals.
Pony Play
Anyone under the age of 18.
Bagging.
Creampie.
Snowballing.
Unprotected sex.
Cyber sexonline relationships.
Submitting to other women.

If you cant handle this, then I implore you to look elsewhere. Please dont waste my time.

I am open to most fetishes, and most people typically find something in common with me fetish-wise. When in doubt, send me a message, and well talk.

As for the ladies, I am looking for a female submissive companion for play and vanilla activities. My preferences are wide open, and vary vastly on what your wishes and desires are. It would be very nice to have another woman to enjoy here. I miss the camaraderie and soft sensuality that another woman brings into my life.

If you feel you may fit into what I seek, then by all means send me a message. Im not into wasting gobs of time exchanging silly messages, and if you have no intention of ever meeting in real life, please move on. I am into real life activities only.

Good Luck in Your Search,

Cindy


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 cindy012365

 Submissive Female

 Flushing 

 Michigan

 5' 7"

 255 lbs

 36

 Pan

 Caucasian

 07/31/04

 08/20/20

Actively Seeking:

Dominant Male

Submissive Female

Switch Men

Friends Only

A Poly Household

 Lives For:

 Beachcombing (Expert)

 Fishing (Expert)

 Movies

 Museums

 Musical Theater (Expert)

 Travel

 Volunteerism (Expert)

 Camping (Expert)

 Begging (Expert)

 Blindfolds (Expert)

 Body Worship (Expert)

 Bondage

 Breast Play (Expert)

 Cages (Beginner)

 Canes and Crops (Expert)

 Collars (Expert)

 Corsets (Beginner)

 Exhibitionism

 Eye Contact Restrictions (Expert)

 Fire Play (Expert)

 Fisting

 Gags (Expert)

 Hair Pulling (Expert)

 Hypnosis (Expert)

 Knife Play (Expert)

 Leashes (Expert)

 Massage (Getting) (Expert)

 Needle Play (Expert)

 Obedience Training

 Objectification

 Orgasm Denial (Expert)

 Plastic Wrap (Expert)

 Public Play  (Expert)

 Sensory Deprivation

 Speech Restrictions (Expert)

 Vibrators (Expert)

 Whips (Expert)

 Web Surfing (Expert)

 Aromatherapy

 Candle Making

 Meditation

 Online Auctions

 Archaeology

 Goth Lifestyle

 Polyamory (Expert)

 Classical Music

 Eighties Music

 Heavy Metal Music

 Industrial Music

 Jazz

 New Age Music

 Oldies

 Rock Music

 Seventies Music

 Neo-Paganism

 Swimming

 Loves:

 Flea Markets

 Garage Sales

 Renaissance Faires

 Massage (Giving)

 Arcade Games

 Board Games (Expert)

 Card Games

 Cartoons (Expert)

 Comedy Shows

 Puzzle Games

 Alternative Medicine (Beginner)

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 Herbalism (Beginner)

 Photography

 Paranormal

 Poetry (Expert)

 Gorean Lifestyle (Expert)

 Lifestyle BDSM (Expert)

 Vampirism (Beginner)

 Alternative Music

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 Punk Rock Music

 Druidism (Beginner)

 Wicca  (Beginner)

 Auto Racing (Beginner)

 Baseball (Beginner)

 Ice Hockey (Beginner)

 Likes:

 Amusement Parks

 Antique Shows (Beginner)

 Art Galleries (Beginner)

 Fine Dining (Beginner)

 Gambling (Beginner)

 Going to the Opera (Beginner)

 Shopping

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 Dancing (Beginner)

 Local BDSM Community (Expert)

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 Hoods (Beginner)

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 Humiliation (Expert)

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 Mental Bondage

 Munches (Expert)

 Outdoor Bondage (Beginner)

 Pantyhose Fetish

 Role Playing

 Stockings (Expert)

 Tickling

 Uniforms (Beginner)

 Historical Shows

 Horror Movies

 MMORPGs

 Online Chatrooms (Expert)

 Online RPGs

 Science Fiction (Beginner)

 Astrology (Beginner)

 Beading (Beginner)

 Cooking

 Painting (Beginner)

 Pottery (Beginner)

 Singing (Beginner)

 Soap Making (Beginner)

 History

 Intellectual Discourse

 Liberal Politics

 Mathematics

 Writing (Expert)

 1950s Lifestyle

 Old Guard (Beginner)

 Electronica / EDM

 EMO Music

 Folk Music

 Hip Hop Music

 Opera Music

 Operetta

 Rap

 Reiki (Beginner)

 Bowling (Beginner)

 Darts (Beginner)

 Football (Beginner)

 Volleyball

 Tolerates:

 Bird Watching (Beginner)

 Clubbing (Beginner)

 Coffee Shops  (Beginner)

 Hunting

 Walking

 Electrical Play (Beginner)

 Masks (On Partner) (Beginner)

 Spanking (Expert)

 Vacuum Stimulation (Beginner)

 Wax play (Expert)

 Newspapers (Beginner)

 Sitcoms (Beginner)

 TV Sports (Beginner)

 Gardening (Expert)

 Sewing (Beginner)

 Astronomy (Beginner)

 Blogging

 Nutrition (Beginner)

 Philosophy (Beginner)

 Political Activism

 Psychology

 Diet and Exercise

 Keto (Beginner)

 Swinging

 Veganism

 Americana

 Blue Grass

 Country Music

 Funk

 New Wave

 Pop Music

 R&B

 Reggae

 Show Tunes

 Agnosticism

 Christianity

 Badminton (Beginner)

 Basketball (Beginner)

 Boxing

 Horse Racing

 Soccer (Beginner)

 Wrestling (Beginner)

 Curious About:

 SCA (Beginner)

 Hiking

 Horseback Riding

 Martial Arts

 Rafting

 Sailing

 Snorkeling

 Tai-Chi

 Ultimate Frisbee

 Weightlifting

 Wind Surfing

 Yoga

 Dilation

 Enemas

 Gas Masks

 Rubber Fetish

 Shibari

 Suspension (Beginner)

 Theatrical Scenes

 Chess

 Simulation Games

 True Crime

 Art Collecting

 Knitting

 Occultism

 Victorianism

 Buddhism

 Feng Shui

 Hinduism

 Islam

 Judaism

 Kabbalah

 Mormonism

 Scientology

 Taoism

 Paintball

 Dislikes:

 Bar Hopping (Beginner)

 Aerobics (Beginner)

 Corner Time (Expert)

 Medical Play (Beginner)

 Role Playing Games (Beginner)

 Karaoke (Beginner)

 Economics

 Libertarian Politics

 Atheism

 Tennis (Beginner)

 Hates:

 Cybering (Expert)

 Romance Novels

 TV News (Expert)

 Drawing (Beginner)

 Investing

 Catholicism (Beginner)

 Golf (Beginner)

 Hard Limits:

 Raves

 Climbing

 Gymnastics

 Rollerblading

 Running

 Scuba Diving

 Anal Play

 Diapers

 Pony/Puppy Roleplay

 Watersports (Beginner)

 Tattoos

 Conservative Politics

 Skiing

 Sky Diving

 Snowboarding

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Journal Entries:
12/13/2017 6:31:33 PM
Still looking for a Male Dominant and a female submissive/slave.  Message me.. what do you have to lose?  I reply to all messages.  I'm not usually on here much, but you can find me on the black site under the same ID.  I'm usually over there every day or every other day... sometimes it takes a little time for me to reply to your messages, but I will in due time.

5/12/2015 2:40:19 PM
I really don't know why I keep coming back here.  It seems like the same people have been in my feed for years now.  Someone give me a sign of intelligent life out there!!

11/4/2013 10:14:54 AM

Vending at the Fetish Playroom in Kalamazoo on 11/16/13.  If anyone would like to meet me there, coming to the vendor mart is free.  I'll have Pyrex dildos and butt plugs, generic Hitachi Magic Wands, knives, Reaver claws, crops, straight razors, new and gently used fetish attire, a few shoes, etc.


9/13/2013 11:41:41 AM

Come see me at Leather Expo V at the Hayloft in Detroit this weekend!  I'll be there Friday and Saturday nights with lots of goodies $20 and under! 


8/24/2013 12:43:23 PM

MI RACK is proud to announce its FIRST-ANNUAL FAMILY-FRIENDLY BBQ at Flushing County Park from 3-7pm (or until dusk if we last that long) on Saturday, September 7th.  Bring the kids, bring the spouse, bring a friend.. just come on out!  Send me a message for more details :).

 


6/26/2013 2:25:34 PM

MI RACK's next munch, and Flint's only CLOSED-DOOR munch will be Saturday July 6, 2013 at Tia Helita's on Saginaw St. in Burton from 6:30-8:30pm.  Afterward we're shooting pool at Earle's Place located at Van Slyke and Maple in Flint.  Message me for further details!  We'd love to see you there!


3/30/2013 7:53:16 PM

MI RACK's first solo munch, and Flint's only CLOSED-DOOR munch will be Saturday April 6, 2013 at Tia Helita's on Saginaw St. in Burton from 6:30-8:30pm.  Afterward we're shooting pool at Earle's Place located at Van Slyke and Maple in Flint.  Message me for further details!  We'd love to see you there!


12/13/2012 2:10:25 AM

Visiting Las Vegas January 19-22, 2013. 


7/1/2012 1:19:36 AM

Did I mention I have a dungeon?  Oh yes.. I have a dungeon.. complete with a cross and a bondage chair, toys on the wall, rope, flickering candles, rope lighting, the works.  I also have a 4-post bed, bondage couch, antique papa san chair, 5 dozen fire cups, gorgeous fetish wardrobe, sky high heels, and so much more.

 

... too bad no one wants to take advantage of it.  All I get to do is beat boys.. but still, I have hopes for a Dominant someday.  It truly is too bad that when they find out how long I've been in the lifestyle and what my skill set is.. they run away.  God forbid I might know one thing more than they do...and that renders them POWERLESS... puh LEEZE.

 

...you all just don't know what you're missing!! ;)

 

 


6/15/2012 9:08:19 PM

Why is it lately that every guy I meet is more into sex than actual BD/SM?

 

I mean..sex is great and all, but if all you want to do is fuck me, there are other websites for that.  I'm looking for BD/SM - not swinging, not a quick fuck, not just rough sex.. but things like flogging, spanking, paddling, bondage.. things like that.  If you're not into that, or have no desire to do that, then why the hell are you here?

 

I WANT BD/SM - I'm not interested in just sex.  Thank You.


5/28/2012 7:54:12 PM

Goodness I need a pedicure so bad.  Any boys or girls willing and able to do one?  I can host!! 


5/18/2012 2:09:01 AM

I'm very confused...and I guess fiending  for some play right now.  I had a little bite, and I want more.. a lot more.  Don't get me wrong.. I'm not wanting it from just anyone... but someone quality would be nice... sigh.  Or maybe... I just want someone to love who will love me in return...

 

 


2/9/2012 2:26:10 AM

I want you to look past the makeup and the fetish attire and everything else...and look into my eyes.  It's rare that you will get to look into them to begin with.. but look into my eyes...tell me what you see. 

 

For once, put your dick away, zip up your pants, put your hands on your keyboard or mouse and just tell me.

 

There is more to me than meets the eye.  If you can never get past the superficial, what's the point in talking to you?

 

 


1/15/2012 4:08:06 PM

I have absolutely no room for time wasters and those who never have the intent of meeting in real life.

 

I'm a full-time college student with a part-time (dang near full-time - 35 hrs/week) job.  I go to school 4 days/week and I work 3rd shift 4 days/week.  You do the math.  Do you honestly think I have time for your bullshit and drama?  No, I don't.

 

I have goals in life.  My life doesn't stop for you or anyone else for that matter.  My most recent goal is turning my home into a 24/7 lifestyle home.  My spare bedroom is in transformation right now.  It's becoming a very nice play space.  My toys are hanging on the wall, there is rope lighting on the walls, a red light bulb for the ceiling fixture, a few decorations on the wall, and I have a down payment on a cross that I will be needing a truck to pick up in late February.  I will also be having a bench made very soon.  

 

As you can see from my profile pictures, I have an extensive fetish wardrobe.  I have everything from leather to lingerie, vinyl, lycra, corsetry, costumes, and more.  I have shoes and boots that range from flat-7.5 inches tall.  I wear my attire often, and it's often out on display in some form in my home.  I have taken the time to collect my fetish attire piece-by-piece over the years.  This is my fetish.  This is my -life.-

 

I have NO vanilla life whatsoever.  I don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend.  I'm not married.  I don't have pets here.  I don't have kids.  It's just me.. all by myself.. doing what I want, when I want.  Rest assured that I am completely skilled in what I do.  I say what I mean, and I mean what I say.  After almost 12 years of being active in the lifestyle, attending classes, learning from others, training with others, striving to be better, learn more, and be educated in my fetishes, this isn't a game to me.  This isn't just sex for me.. it's my life.

 

Be honest in everything you do.  Don't lie to people.  Don't stand people up.  Remain in contact with people, and I can assure you.. you'll be successful in finding someone to be with.  Take the time to live, laugh, learn, and grow.  You'll be amazed at what happens.


9/29/2011 6:00:02 PM

DESIRED: boy/girl for foot rubs.  I have an injured ankle, and could really use some foot love right now.  Some things I expect include:

  • Long-term rubbing.
  • CREAMS or oils (there is a huge difference between cream and lotion, moisturizers, Vaseline, or body butter.  If you don't know the difference, ASK.)
  • Foot Baths.
  • Ankle support.
  • Pedicures (if you're so talented...extra perks for that.)

I can host.  Available Thursday afternoons through the weekend by appointment.  My home is approximately an hour from Detroit, 45 minutes from Waterford, and about an hour east of Lansing.  It is not the end of the world for you to travel from any of those areas to My Home.  Overnight accommodations may be available should you wish to stay.

 

I am also in Flint four days/week for college.  I am available Mondays and Wednesdays in the early evening/late afternoon hours.  Tuesdays are out of the question, as I spend 12.5 hours there on that day.  Should you wish to host and are in that area, I wouldn't mind stopping by.

 

I have beautiful, well-maintained size 10 feet and picturesque, muscular legs that are a must-see.  I am incredibly vane about them, and incredibly picky when it comes to them as well. I know what I want, and won't take anything less than what I expect out of the experience.  As I am an experienced foot Top, you can be assured that it will be a pleasurable experience for you.  I have over 100 pictures of just My feet alone.

 

In exchange, I am quite talented in many other things in the lifestyle, such as fire play, fire cupping, light bondage, cbt, impact play (yes, this means pain,) sensory deprivation, various body worship activities and much more.  I just cannot stand for long right now in a brace on crutches.

 

Message Me for details.  You won't be disappointed.

 


7/12/2011 1:32:24 AM

I am a tortured soul.  Tormented daily by the deep burning desire to submit.  I never wanted to become what I am today.  Long ago I settled - settled for what I could get at the time.  I can no longer settle.

 

At one time, I was an obedient slave - a yes, Master no, Master slave.  I was happy.  At some point.... I gave up.  I gave up looking for a Master after many years of seeking, looking, desiring, watching my friends be happy.....when inside I was dying.

 

...so .... I started looking for people to Top.  It was like trying to fill a black hole.  I was never fulfilled.  Always hungering and needing more than what the boys and few girls could give me...while I felt myself slip away more and more into that hole.

 

It started getting dark.... too dark to bare anymore.  No one really knew of my struggles, except for a few very choice select friends who tried to give me words of encouragement.  My life is..and has been hell...for quite a few years.

 

I don't want to live that way any more.  


5/14/2011 10:32:38 PM

My time may become quite limited once again.  I have two job interviews scheduled this week.  One is a part time job with hours and days all over the place, the other is a fri-sun job.  Yes, that does indeed make things a little tougher... but ya know what.. unemployment doesn't go very far, and I'm sick of having nothing to do except college and kink.

 

While my boys are great... and they do please me to an extent... I'm not whole.. and I'm beginning to think I never will be.  I'm tired of watching other people's happiness and wondering what the fuck is wrong with me, and why can't I have that too?

 

I'm not very submissive anymore...at all.  It's a scary thought for me, considering not more than a few years ago I was a slave.  Happy..content.. didn't want to be anything else for the world.  I went without an Owner for far too long, and gave up looking for one.  I decided to start Topping for a while, while continuing my search.  It's been so long since I've had a good quality scene as a bottom.  The one or two that I did have in between were just teases, and not only did they leave me wanting more, but they fucked with my head.  I had a taste of the candy, and it fueled my addiction, that deep desire, that need, that deep-seated hunger.  Afterward.. it left me feeling empty.. wanting more.. and quite honestly.. it hurt deep in the pit of my stomach.

 

Some people offer me empty promises... or say they want to do things with me, then when it comes down to doing it, they either chicken out, or don't show up.  They don't really want to get to know me it seems.  Yeah.. I know I can be intimidating, and I know that I probably know more, and have a better kink education than most of the general population out there.. but ya know.. all you have to say is.. ya know.. I'm not as experienced as you are.. would you be willing to teach me how to do this kink.. or that kink.. or OMG I've always wanted to do that kink.. and 9 times out of 10, I'd be more than happy to teach you.

 

I feel like I'm a big giant fucked up mess.  I'm going through the mundane day-to-day life, and I'm lost.  I could sit here and schedule scenes, play time, sex, etc.. with multiple partners every day of the week, and it means nothing to me.  I have no feeling.  It's just play.. life.. my kink life... but deep down.. it doesn't satisfy me.  It may be just a way of pleasing the other person involved for me, and honestly that's all it means to me.  I have a huge pit that goes on forever.  It never fills up, I'm never satisfied, I'm frustrated, and yeah.. it very well may be a good thing for me to dive into work once again, and take my mind off of kink.

 

This past week alone, I met a new boy, had lunch, then we played, picked up a boy I normally play with.. played with him, took him to a party Saturday, then took him home Sunday.  Next day went back to the other boy's house, played again.. then later that night, someone else came over to my house, and again we played.  The following day, I had one of my other boys come over and help me with some yard work.  I had a night off, then on Thurs, went back to the boy's house, played.. then drove down to the Detroit/a2 area, and met a couple of new people, staying two nights without any play.  This was just my kink life THIS WEEK ALONE.  Sunday isn't here yet, and guy #3 is talking about wanting to come over for play at night.  Mind you.. all of these situations, I've been a Top during.  Add to it personal responsibilities, volunteerism, and college, and you have my life.  It's fucking exhausting.  I'm sick of making choices for other people.  In the end... I'm still hollow.  I'm not fulfilled; it's not what I NEED.

 

I think I'll be glad to be going back to work.  Perhaps it will give me a break until a real Man steps up, grabs me by the hair of the head, and smacks me around until I come to my senses again.  I can't keep this up.. no way no how.

 


5/8/2011 10:07:51 PM

Looking to have some vanilla or kinky fun on a lake soon!  I have a rustic family cabin on a lake about an hour and a half north of the Flint area, but no way to haul toys up there.  Anyone have a boat/jet ski they want to have fun with?  I LOVE fishing too!! 

 

...doesn't even have to be at my cabin either.. if you have a boat or jet ski and you're going to a lake and want companionship?  I'll be more than happy to go with you!! 


2/17/2011 3:29:44 AM

Bet You Wish You Had Me Back ;) 

"It was you and me, and one hot summer. 
Beading up with sweat, all over each other... soaking wet. 
We didn't have a lot of time, so we didn't waste much. 
Finding all the right places, you wanted me to touch. 

And all those memories, make it so hard to forget about me... 

I bet you wish you had me back, 
Another chance to get it just like that... 
The best you ever had. 
And do you close your eyes with her, 
And pretend I'm doing you again... 
Like only I can? 
I bet you wish you had me back! 
I bet you wish you had me back! 

It was you and me; it seemed to last forever. 
The way you taste, and I still remember ...the sounds we made. 
One day in June, I stayed all night, 
And made love to you like ...the Fourth of July.
And all those memories, make it so hard to forget about me! 

I bet you wish you had me back,
Another chance to get it just like that...
The best you ever had. 
And do you close your eyes with her,
And pretend I'm doing you again...
Like only I can? 
I bet you wish you had me back! 

Every night, 
Every time, 
You see me, when you close your eyes! 

I bet you wish you had me back,
Another chance to get it just like that... 
Like only I can.
You wish you had me back! 

I bet you wish you had me back! 
Bet you wish you had me back!" 

Halestorm - Bet U Wish U Had Me Back. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8lMDWApKV0  Actual footage from the concert I was at at the Machine Shop.  Yes, it really was that loud there...lol  *Not my footage*


1/20/2011 1:19:27 AM

“One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter.” - James Earl Jones


1/18/2011 11:23:27 PM

I've always loved a couple of plays... partially because I can relate to the songs or the play itself.

 

I'm in a mood tonight... really attached to two songs from Les Miserables.  I've listened to and watched this play since I was a little girl in the 4th grade.  My music teacher introduced the class to this play, and on March 22nd, I actually get to see it live for the first time.


Both songs are basically about how love and life both SUCK.  ...and they do suck... because you really don't know what to do or say.. or how to feel safe in that love... how to know if you're really loved or if the feelings you feel are real...  if you can trust that person you think you love not to completely rip out your heart for the 666th time... how about if that person really loves you as much as you love them... if they're just as afraid as you may be... or if they'll never know just how much you love and care for them... what about being in love with someone you know you can never have... and what do you do when you think you can never love again...

 

The first is called "I Dreamed a Dream."  It's about a woman (who is about to die) who just lost her job, is alone, poor, and trying to support a child she sent to live with an inn keeper, because she could not support her.  The child's father left them or died or something..anyway..he's not involved.  The song's good..so read.

 

"There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
As they turn your dream to shame

He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed."

 

 

The second is called "On My Own" ... the girl in the play basically just watched the man she loves get taken away by another woman.  However the man never knew she loved him... I actually like this one better.

 

"And now I'm all alone again nowhere to turn, no one to go to
without a home without a friend without a face to say hello to
And now the night is near
Now I can make believe he's here

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone
I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him
The world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life
I've only been pretending
Without me
His world would go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known

I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own."

 

Sigh... so much to think about....


1/2/2011 2:51:14 AM

Perhaps it's time for an update!

 

Back a few months ago, I joined the ranks of the thousands of unemployed people in this shit hole of a state.  Good news is that I'm just now receiving unemployment benefits.  It only took me from the Friday after Labor Day til New Year's Eve to receive any benefits at all.  Yes, folks, it took almost three months before I received anything.  It's that hard to actually get on it.

 

Meanwhile.. I'm now attending college full time.  I'll be taking 13 credit hours starting January 10th.  I will be traveling to Clio and downtown Flint Monday-Thursday until April.  Last semester, I achieved a 3.5 gpa in one class, and a 4.0 in the other.  Let's see how I do taking 4 classes now...

 

Fair warning: I now have 3 regular, and 1 part time play partners.  They will come first for my time.  All of them are bottoms to me except for one...and he's special.  No, that does not mean I fuck all of them.  Quite the contrary, I'd rather play than fuck.  Each of them fulfills a fetish or two for me, and I'm happy with that.  I will never be monogamous.  I have entirely too many fetishes for that, and I cannot and will not expect one person to fulfill them all.  It's just not going to happen!

 

Another thing about fetishes: I hear from most people that, "oh your fetishes are way too extreme!  There's no way we could ever play, because we don't play like that, or I'm soft and gentle..."  Apparently you haven't read all of my fetishes.  There are many things that I enjoy that are rough, and some are gentle.  For instance, I think I can count the number of times I've been tied up in my almost 11 years in the lifestyle on one hand.  I'd like to maybe see if I could really enjoy bondage!  People don't understand that, I guess.  I also love plastic wrap!  Where's the pain in that?  There is none, folks!  Sheesh!  Just because I enjoy some extreme fetishes doesn't mean I want to play on the extreme side all of the time.

 

I'm still trying to juggle the whole Sadomasochist thing.  While I was mainly just a Top for quite a few years, a special special person has recently came into my life.  That's the only way I can explain it..special..lol.  I enjoy our time together, and enjoy the lifestyle interaction we share.  I even took a chance and let him flog me....twice!  For the first time in years.. I have been flogged...and I liked it.  There I said it.. I LIKED IT.  I finally found someone who I can trust enough for that to happen, and He is such a breath of fresh air.  However... sometimes I'm finding myself questioning myself again.  Do I want to just Top?  Do I want to just bottom?  ...or can I handle both without losing my sanity and falling into just one category again?  ...only time will tell, but til then, I'll enjoy the ride! :)


10/31/2010 9:05:36 PM

While white really fucking annoys me, I'd rather have it so people can view my journal.  Collarme needs to get with the times of FIREFOX.


6/9/2010 8:21:01 PM

Well, I have moved to Flushing Twp, and just acquired my first Home.  I also am newly single.

I'm in search of friends or a sissymaid, service bottom, or someone who is into no strings housework.  I've been cleaning for over a week straight, and I just can't find the drive to clean anymore.

Anyone interested?  I don't care if you're male, female, trans, cd, androgynous, etc.  I just really need some help.

In exchange for your services, I can offer you mine.  I'm quite talented in many aspects of the lifestyle, and have an extensive toy bag, and fetish attire collection.

Let's help each other out :).


3/15/2010 10:52:10 AM
Well, another year has come and gone.  I turned 28 on 3/11, and have officially hit my 10 year mark in the lifestyle.  I feel so old..yet young.. it's confusing.

There's so much going on in my life right now.  I graduated high school in 2001, and just started college in January 2010.  It's been a long time, but it's all coming back.  I am pondering my major though.  I think I'm torn between either Geology or Archaeology.  Geology would get me a lot of outdoor work, which I love being outside looking for cool stuff.  Archaeology would also have me outside and inside places... and I would get to dig for awesome hidden treasures!  I'd be really interested in Archaeology in holy places, and places of worship.  I have a thing for studying religion.  It could work for me.

I am seriously having gaming withdrawals, and I can't wait for that big fat student loan check to get here so I can buy a new laptop.  I need a new puter really bad.  This laptop I'm on is really old, the power brick has been taped up and spliced wires together so many times, that if you move just right, you have to keep adjusting the wire, and of course, the battery is shot in it.  I might be able to get 20 mins of use w/o interweb connection if I'm lucky.  GAH!  Well, it'll be nice to finally have a brand new puter in the box that I get to open and molest all by myself.  I've never had a brand new out the box puter before.  It's going to be the awesome ^_^.

I'm really excited about life right now.  It might suck for the moment, but it's getting better!  It really is :).

12/27/2009 7:17:00 PM
Presently mentoring.  I have a wonderful young woman from ypsi who is most definitely a breath of fresh air whom I am guiding in the lifestyle.

College starts for me on Jan. 11th.  I'm kind of excited, although life is going to get hectic between work and college.  My time will grow even shorter!

I'm still in search of a regular play partner for me to bottom to.  I'm in a mood for some needles, a nice ass beating, bondage, or suspension.  If you're interested, feel free to message me and see how it goes.

11/2/2009 7:37:11 PM
~NEW~ Photos have been added to my profile.  Hopefully collarme will approve all of them.  I haven't uploaded any in a good long while, so hopefully you enjoy them.

9/25/2009 3:30:28 AM
I'm hosting an event just for littles here in Mid-Michigan.  Feel free to contact me with any questions.

Here's the Info!

Mid-Michigan Hay Ride for Littles!

Date: Fri. Oct. 2, 2009.
Time: 6p-12a(or later.)
Where: Montrose Orchards
Address: 12473 Seymour Rd. Montrose, MI 48457
Cost: $6/person + Spending Money for Pumpykins & Goodies!
Dress Code: Dress for the Weather!  Please Be Street Legal.

Description

Hey all you littles! Yeah!! I'm talking to you!!

Bring out your Mommies, Daddies, Aunties, Unkies, Grandparents, Nannies, or other friends and family you may have for a spooktacular evening of fun!

We have a fun tractor-pulled hay wagon full of hay to throw at each other at our disposal! The wagon is going to take us down a hand-crafted spooky trail through the pumpykin patch and the woods! Also included for the price is free fresh home made donuts and apple cider, and a bonfire! Pumpykins are available at an extra cost if you would like to join us in the field and pick your own! Come out early, and check out all the crafts and home made goods (including yummy apple cider slushies) inside of the main building!

Please have your guardian help you make a spooky treat to share with the rest of the party, and feel free to bring something to cook over the bonfire! Be vewwy vewwy careful though -- fires gets vewwy hot! Only one treat to pass per family is asked. For those of you traveling from a distance, there is a grocery store on your way that has a deli full of yummy foods! You could also purchase some yummy treats from inside of the main building to share if you come early!

Dress for the weather! The outlook looks chilly for the evenings. Please be street legal at all times. Dresses and skirts are great to wear, but just remember, we're sitting on bales of hay, and will be in the pumpykin patch looking for the great pumpykin, so those pretty high heels that Mommies wear really wouldn't be the best to play dress-up with. For your comfort, it is recommended that you bring lawn chairs or blankies to sit on. There should be a couple pickeynick tables to sit on, but they may fill up fast! We're expecting about 20-25 people!

Teddies, dollies, toys, coloring books, and other stuff to keep littles occupied are welcome! Let's face it -- we gets bored easily ^_^!! For those 'fraid of the darks, you might want to bring a flashy light!

Orchard rules state that we cannot have alcoholic beverages on their premises. Please respect this rule!! We want to be able to come back next year, so please be on your bestest behaviors.

The Orchard says we can be out there all night til midnight OR LATER! Let's make this a fun event for the whole Family to enjoy!

AB/DL, Age Players, Little Girls, Little Boys, Baby Girls, Baby Boys, Adult Children, Adult Babies, and everyone in between that likes to be younger than their real (above 18) age is welcome to come! Friends, Family, Supporters of littles are welcome to tag along! Someone has to watch over us!

Look for the big red barn looking building that says MONTROSE ORCHARDS!! There's plenty of parking -- you can't miss it!

Please RSVP in advance so the Orchard Authorities can be notified of how many donuts and cider we need for our party. If you can't find us, ask for the little group!

We look forward to seeing you there!

8/31/2009 12:08:17 AM

ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW!

9/11/09 MEADOW BROOK MUSIC FESTIVAL!! ROCHESTER HILLS, MI

I HAVE COUPONS FOR $10 GENERAL AND $15 RESERVED PAVILION SEATING.  PARKING IS $10. 

I'M TRYING TO GATHER UP A LIFESTYLE GROUP OF PEOPLE TO GO!!  IF YOU'RE INTERESTED, SEND ME A MESSAGE, AND I'LL GET YOU THE TICKET WEBSITE AND INFO! 

Here's a little info from the site: 

Meadow Brook Music Festival announces the return of the smash hit musical, The Rocky Horror Show by Richard O'Brien for a limited engagement of two shows only at Meadow Brook Music Festival on Fri., Sept. 11 and Sat., Sept. 12. Showtimes are 8 p.m. 

A cult classic spoof of science-fiction movies, The Rocky Horror Show is famous for its audience participation and music. Audience members are encouraged to "dress the part" and "Time Warp" with the cast as they follow the innocent young lovers Brad and Janet through their adventure at the castle of the mysterious Dr. Frank-n-Furter. Outrageous and energetic, each performance features a hilarious costume contest at intermission with the winners joining the cast on stage for the grand finale! 

The Rocky Horror Show is part of the Belle Tire Concert Series.


8/25/2009 8:58:20 PM

..And my free time grows shorter.  Today, I went down to Mott Community College and signed up.  I should be beginning classes in October or January.. it all depends on how fast my financial aid goes thru.

Working and going to college is going to be a challenge, but I'm up for it!

..and by the way.. I'M STILL SEEKING A FOOT BOY!!!


5/13/2009 1:13:33 AM


I am officially seeking a foot boy or girl for pedicures!

If you do a good job, it may become a regular position for you. Must live in or near mid-michigan...or travel to me. Such actions will not take place in my home -- they will take place at your home, a hotel room, or a public party.

I can buy the proper items, or you may if you wish to spoil my feet. I do love foot worship, leg worship, shoe & boot worship, thigh highs, and other such leg and foot related items and activities. My feet are size 10B if that's any interest to you, and I have very attractive muscular legs (pix on my profile.)

Younger persons are preferred as I am 27, but all ages will be considered. My Switch (mainly submissive) male companion will accompany me to the meetings. This is not negociable. He is not talented in foot activities -- maybe you can give him a few pointers. There will be no sexual activities involved, I will not pay you, and I am not looking for any financial requirement from you either. This is for the mutual enjoyment of both you and I.

If you are interested, please take a look at my profile, and send me a message. Yahoo IM and AIM are also available for talk after contact has been made.

I look forward to talking to you!


4/9/2009 3:14:01 AM
Wow, no new posts since 2008.

Since then, my life has drastically changed.  i don't know who i want to be or what i want to do anymore.  Back then i wrote that i was topping from time to time... now i'm topping more than bottoming.  i'm mentoring a boy -- he lives with me.  it's a complicated thing, and i really don't choose to divulge into it more than that.  i seek playmates right now: Top, bottom, Master, slave, Switch or submissive, i really don't care.  i'm a sadomasochist.  i was used to living the Gorean lifestyle being a first girl in a poly Home.  i am very much an alpha type.  i can happily top, and i can happily bottom...but i'm more happy bottoming.  i've been Owned, and i have Owned.

Sadomasochist, slave, Free Woman?!  Call me what you will.  By Gorean definition, a Free Woman is an un-Owned slave.  What is a Free Woman?!  Merely a slave without a collar; for even in a Free Woman's world, Gor is a world ruled by Men.  Yet, does that mean that i won't beat the shit out of a bitch boy and not enjoy it?!  Not quite!  Now if i could just find me a girl to play with, i'd be in heaven :).

i do seek a Master.  One Who has control over Him and His.  One Who has control over His life and actions.  One Who can support Him and His.  One Who can put me in my place, not think twice about it, and keep me there.  Do You really think that i'm so happy surrounded by bitches??  It pleases me for about five minutes, then i get bored.  i don't want to make all of the decisions.  There has to be something more; something better out there...somewhere.

7/31/2008 11:18:51 PM
There are quite a few things that people just don't know about me.

You look at me and see this girl who adores pain..and that's great.. because i do.  However, there are many many other things that i am into that do not include pain.

i would honestly LOVE to find someone Who could tie me up.  i would absolutely love to find out if i can get to space just with rope.

i'm also curious about doing some more suspension..especially inverted suspension.  i've done a few suspensions, but never inverted, and i'd totally love to do that!


7/28/2008 10:23:58 AM

i am sooo happy!!  I'm finally driving, and rather enjoying it!!

i went to wicked this past weekend and had so much fun there, stayed in Ann Arbor with some friends then came back home on Monday.  What a great 4-day weekend!


3/21/2008 11:13:16 PM
To answer all of the questions.. lol.. yes i am finally 26.  my birthday was March 11th.  i spent it with my family, and went out to have dinner and cake and ice cream with them.  it was a fairly un-eventful day, and for the first time in six years, i was single on my birthday.

It felt really odd to not have Someone special to spend the day with, however, it was oddly refreshing for once.  There were no tears or hurt, sadness or deep emotional pain, so it was very nice.

i celebrated my birthday among friends both the weekend before, and the weekend after my birthday.  The weekend before, i went to a private party, and definately got my birthday spankings in..lol otk style!  It was great!  The weekend after, my friend from Chicago came up, and my regular group of people attended Wicked Eve together.  i got spanked again, and then afterwards, when i was nice and high from that endorphin rush, my Friend and i did a flesh pull on me.  i had two-16ga needles put into my chest with attached ribbons on them for pulling.  It was the nicest high i had in a long long time, and i really really loved it!  Hopefully in a few months, i'll be able to do that hook suspension i've been wanting to do for a while now.  i have a feeling i'm going to love it!  YAY!

3/5/2008 3:29:47 AM
As we creep up upon my 26th birthday here in a few days... tonight i've stopped to think...

What have i done..

Obviously i've done something wrong... to be miserable for almost a year now.  In less than two weeks.. it will be a whole year that i've been alone.

In all my life... the only thing that has ever made me happy.. is seeing other people happy...overlooking myself.. no matter what the cost.  Be it from standing outside in the freezing rain helping someone... to raking an elderly person's leaves... cleaning a house for a sick loved one.. when i'm so sick myself that i can barely move.... to going out and taking half of my paycheck and buying someone groceries because i couldn't bare to see them starve....when i really didn't have the money to give myself.

So in the dark i sit... alone.. in my room.. with only a giant pooh bear to silently comfort me... and soak up the tears that fall silently from my face that i seem helplessly unable to stop falling... with a migraine that's killing me... and eyes that i can barely see out of..... wondering... what did i ever do... to deserve to be alone and living in misery... when it seems that anyone who has ever severely hurt me... is happy... when i've never seen them ever give anything back to anyone.

So whatever i did... whatever caused all of this that was my doing..... from the bottom of my heart.... i'm sorry.

2/3/2008 1:27:30 AM
Wow.. collarme is beginning to look more like myspace every day..and i must say..KUDOS... for the music addage feature.  i'm a net dj and music is a HUGE part of my life (and always will be.)  Most of the time, i feel i express myself  better with music than words, and the awesomeness of playlist.com amazed me.  i'm so geeked!!

Aside from that, i've extended my profile to set a seeking Switches.  i will admit i've been Switching off and on again lately (as it's way easier in this state to find an ass to beat than a Master,) and it sates the sadist within me for a while.  However, speaking from the masochist within, i'm deeply in need of a nice good long hard scene.  i need to vent.. i need release.. in a very bad way.  But you know.. it's extremely hard to do that WHEN NOBODY EVER SHOWS UP FOR A DATE LET ALONE AN ASS BEATING!!!!!! What and the heck is wrong with these people?!  HONESTLY?!?!

Geesh.. anyways.. there are so many events coming up that my head is spinning and my boss is writing me notes saying... you know we're understaffed blah blah blah.  i really hate her . 

So!! here's the deal.. i am looking for play partners and new friends in the Detroit, Flint, Grand Rapids, Saginaw, basically Michigan..lol area.. who like to play at events.  i regular Detroit Space, Wicked Eve, off and on Fetish Odyssey, and will be attending Season's Beatings 2 in Grand Rapids in April.  Let me make this clear.. i am looking for an ASS BEATER.. not a submissive to play with there.  i don't top in public..and i don't do it every day..or every week or month  even.. just when i cannot stand the negative pent up energy anymore and i need a small ..albeit not completely fulfilling ...release.  The curse of a sadomasochist.. le sigh...

1/23/2008 11:09:12 PM
i need a break.  i went to Wicked Eve in Detroit last weekend and was the only person in my core group of people who didn't get to play.

i don't want pity play, and had atleast there scenes lined up for that night, so you'd think i would get something in...nope.

i spent well over $200 on a brand new outfit.. complete from head to toe.. for nothing... except for other people to gawk at me.  Stop gawking and start talking.  What do i have to do.. staple a sign on my tits and ass that says "look at me i'm single!  Beat my ass?! "

Maybe i should start wearing like a 5 inch posture collar at parties, seeing as when you're Owned or look like you're Owned that's when people come up to you and want to play... but a single girl?? pssht who are you kiddng!?!

It's really bad when you're single, attend atleast 2 play parties a month, and still have only had one serious beating in 10 months...and even then that was for a demo at an event.  It's not like people don't know me... i've been around the block for quite a few years now.  If they don't know me by name, they certainly know me by look.  There really is no replacement for me..lol.

So here's my dilemma.  i've been stood up 6 times in a row now by 6 different Dominants for a date or play session.  i don't get to hardly do anything at the parties... where do i go from here?  What's my next step?

Simple.  i end the madness.  If i'm not -guaranteed- play from now on, i'm not going to an event.  i'm not going to plan dates or private play sessions, because no one ever shows up.  i'm not hurting myself any more.  i can't take it, and the hurt is too great.  i go... i see everyone having fun and playing..and i sit there hoping someone will come up to me and ask me to play.. when nobody ever does.

i miss those long scenes i used to get... i had to be peeled down into a chair or the ground because i couldn't move after a scene and became totally unresponsive.  Do you know what it's like.. to watch everyone else play... and want it so bad you ache for it.. but it's not just any kind of want.. it's more like a primal NEED?  When your very soul cries out for the kiss of a whip?  When all you need is an inkling of Dominance in your life for even just a few minutes?  That deep down burn for control in the pit of your stomach?  That urge to throw yourself before the closest thing resembling a Dominant and beg to be beat into a bloody pulp?

...That's where i sit right now.  Someone told me today.. "remember if you're at rock bottom, it can only get better."

The rock grows closer every day... and i can almost touch it...and the only thing i can do...is pray for that 'better.'

1/7/2008 3:28:45 AM

i've pretty much decided to stop looking.  i don't want to meet anyone if they can't commit to even ~SHOWING UP.~ Why would you even bother putting time and energy into something, saying you're going to leave, then never show?

GIVE ME A BREAK PEOPLE!

i'm really sick and tired of the games people play.

If You can be real and be serious about the lifestyle, let's talk.  At this point i don't care how old You are, or what Your experience level is, just BE REAL.  The rest we can deal with later down the road.

Otherwise, don't bother messaging me getting my hopes up then crush them while you sit back and laugh.


12/30/2007 11:09:25 PM
They say the eyes are windows to the soul... what do You see in mine?

i'm growing increasingly  discouraged in my search.  i'm also thinking about not attending many more events while i'm single.

i find myself sitting alone more and more and clamming up.  i am quite shy in public, and don't tend to talk much.  i'm the kind of person who doesn't talk to people i don't know... which yes.. makes it hard to find someone to play with.

i realize too that i can look intimidating, but i am really a sweet person who has a lot of experience and always wear the tight shiny pvc! *smiles*  i like the flashyness but also like playing..and playing hard.

It's amazing the amount of people that i get just coming up to look at me while i have needles in my skin...i really like talking to people yet.. i'm just not good at initiating conversation.

If you see me at a party... say hello.  i regular The Space party  and from time to time attend Fetish Odyssey and Wicked Eve.

Also as an update, my aunt's mother passed away after they turned off the machines, and the funeral is on New Year's Eve.  That makes three funerals this month, and i'm so ready for 2008.  i can't take too much more of 2007... it's been one crappy year.

12/9/2007 3:51:15 PM
One of my best friends has passed away, and i've been having a really rough time lately.  If i seem at all distant, that's why.

i've been surrounded by nothing but death it seems lately, and the stress level just keeps going up.

Three months ago, my aunt passed away from a massive heart attack and left behind a 12 year old daughter and 22 year old son, two weeks after that, my grandmother had open heart surgery, two weeks after that, my other aunt found out she has breast cancer, and now last weekend, one of my best friends and uncle die on the same day.  Another one of my aunts' mother is on her deathbed as we speak, and hasn't opened her eyes in over a month.  She has a trach right now and is trying to overcome pneumonia, and it doesn't look like she's going to pull out of it.

Tomorrow i get to see my friend dead in a casket.. and tuesday is the funeral... right now i'm such a mess i have lost the buzz from getting 36 needles in my back lastnight...which i should be feeling for atleast 3 days.

i thank my friends for helping me thru this rough time, but sometimes you just need more than a friend...you know... *sighs*

11/18/2007 9:34:15 PM
COME OUT AND JOIN EVERYONE AT SEASON'S BEATINGS NOVEMBER 30TH AND DECEMBER 1ST IN GRAND RAPIDS, MI!

i'll be there!! Come on!! It'll be tons of fun..and hey!  You'll get to meet me!! How cool is that?

Message me for details!

11/3/2007 12:01:19 AM
Profile updateage!

i decided it had been too long since i updated my profile (since March,) so i decided to update it a little bit.

i also removed picture #10 and added a new one from what i was for Samhain (Halloween.)  i won't tell you what i was.. i'll let it be a suprise to you.

i've been pretty ill lately, so if i don't answer you in a timely manner, please be considerate.  my family has been thru a lot recently, and with me being ill, the stress level is insane.

i'd love to find Someone to hang out with when i can to take my mind off the stress (among other things..lol..) so if you'd like to just hang out, watch a movie, do some shopping, cuddle on the couch, beat my ass..lol.. something along those lines.. feel free to contact me.

Until then.. i'm waiting!

10/30/2007 9:23:12 PM
Happy Samhain Everyone!

10/16/2007 10:18:42 PM
New experiences are totally awesome.  Recently i had a chance to explore needle play more with Someone, and i really really realized i'm starting to get hopelessly addicted to sharp pokies... and i so blame my ex for it .

i haven't flown that high in years.  i took 48 needles in my back and had angel wings for a lil bit.  It was a high so totally awesome that i was flying for two days afterwards.

Needles used to be a hard limit for me... now they're becoming a hopeless addiction.  i still get pre-poke jitters, but i just remind myself that i can do anything over and over again..and that if someone else can do it..so can i.  Everything went great... and it's great to feel pushed.. it's a challenge for me when nothing really challenges me anymore very much.

Who knows what's next for me? i'd like to do more and try more a lot.

Also, i've been trying to attend atleast two events a month.  Generally i end up in the Detroit area for the events down there, because i love them immensely.  The people are great, the equipment is great, and it's just great times!

There's still no progress in finding a Master, however i've made a bunch of new friends.  i'm grateful for friends, however, i just seek happiness and submission with someone i could love... le sigh.

9/11/2007 1:46:06 AM

i really don't know why i even try anymore.  The more i try, the more i get hurt or disappointed.

It's obvious to me that what i seek is nothing but a fairy tale... if you're prince freaking charming, message me... but i'm not crossing my fingers in the meantime.

Cut the crap.  i'm not looking for meaningless sex, one night stands, a few scenes, none of that.  i want a relationship.  How hard is that?


8/20/2007 9:34:43 PM

Newness..

Well hopefully it will be approved.. new picture 12 is going to be my pvc dress that i adore.  That picture was taken right before July's Wicked Eve... the first ever one i went to.  It's not the best pic, but hey.. you get the general idea.

i enjoyed myself at that party, but i kind of got everyone's attention not the way i wanted.. lol.  He who shall be unnamed, decided to wrap me up in plastic wrap and tease and torture me with various things.. and well.. wrapped in plastic wrap you can't walk very well.. especially when wearing six inch knee high boots..

Needless to say i ended up falling backwards on my butt laughing histarically.  It was great.. and so fun.. but i really didn't mean to get everyone's attention..lol.

i got to see a lot of people i've seen on here as well and it was a big suprise.  Compared to Fetish Odyssey, i saw a lot more people i knew.  i'll definately come back to Wicked Eve sometime soon.

i'm still looking for Master right.  i've met a bunch of people from here, but they're still not what i'm looking for in a long term relationship type.  All i seem to be finding are on again, off again play parteners... which i'm not going to complain about, because it has been fun.. but i want to settle down.

.. i just don't want to get hurt in the process.  it's been 5 months since i've been single.. and i'm not completely over that hurt yet... i can't afford to get hurt again.  yes, i'm lonely.. yes i'm craving a Master.. but i'm not desperate..and i can and will wait as long as it takes until that real ..genuine.. Master comes my way and sweeps me off my feet.


7/3/2007 7:55:06 AM

What's new.. what's new.. well.. i'm still here.. still don't get to get out a lot... i am working hard at my little job to bring in the dough, but i so hate my job.. ugh.

i started selling things on an alternative auction site, which is helping a lot, but i just spend the money i make on more fetish gear..lol.  i'm bidding on boots, shoes, stockings.. including one beautiful pair of latex stockings which will be my first latex item in my collection of fetishwear... i have my $200 worth of pvc now.  The last two items are in the mail as i'm typing this, and i'm so excited.  i finally get my pvc corset!!!

i can't wait til i get a bunch of new pictures taken with my gear!!  Any takers??  i'm looking for some full body shots for my personal collection.  i love to show off what i have!  i'm also interested in some new cemetary shots, and fetish shots in public by like brick buildings, trees, ponds, flowers, lakes, beaches, lots of places.  i'm not a pro model, i just like to show off and take pictures of myself.

i'm a dj without a radio station now too.. i kind of miss it, but that's ok.  i'm focusing on finding happiness not only with myself, but i'm seeking to make someone else happy.  i do love to serve... just don't have anyone to do so with right now.. *sighs.*

i think i get more jaded by the day really.  i'm not a depressed person, but i just grow extremely tired of searching and getting my hopes up and nothing ever happens... or something happens, and i like it a lot, and the other Person decides i'm not the one for Them.  Maybe i should just stop looking and wait for Master Right to come plop in my lap so to say and take me as His.. maybe in my dreams...heh.


6/22/2007 8:13:03 PM
Over the last few days, i have to laugh at some of these profiles.  They say "...I seek an attractive male/female..."

Well what's attractive?  Attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder.  Personally, i'm very vane.  To me, i'm the most beautiful girl in the world.  May god and goddess help anyone if i was ever cloned cause i don't think there's room in the world for two of me.  i love my body, and i love to show it off.  In fact, i've stripped down to a g string and black tape in public and thought nothing of it at play parties.  At private parties, i've even been naked.  If you don't like the look of me... stop... looking.

Let's see .. what do i find beautiful..hmm..  i'm partial to girls with long hair, a nice rack of titties, and a nice spankable ass.  Men..hmm Men.. tall.. shorter hair but enough to run my hands thru adoringly, facial hair!! omg.. i love facial hair.. taller than me.. and nice teeth!!

i find beauty in a rainbow just after a storm, the first batch of spring flowers, a mother and her child, a new born animal, a beautifully crafted toy, a girl on her knees serving a Master, the way a flame eats at a candle, waterfalls, the way waves crash upon a shore, sunset on a lake, leaves in the fall, the first snow of winter, fresh morning dew on a red rose, and so much more...

There is much beauty in this world if only people would stop to look around them and enjoy everything there is to offer...

6/21/2007 10:14:14 PM

So someone told me my profile was dark and that might be detering people from viewing me...

Well.. deep down.. i'm just a little girl looking for her place in life really.  A big part of me is goth, and let's face it, it suits me well.  In fact, some of my most favorite pictures i take are goth natured.

However i'm not goth all the time.  There are days when i just want to be cute and cuddly and play games and be the playful little kitty i can be.

my profile is detailed, because it has to be.  i've been hurt one too many times, and i cannot and will not settle anymore.  Settling only gets you hurt and eventually abused.

Once people get to know me and meet me, they understand why i am the way i am.  i've just been thru a lot in my little life, and really have no room for drama and pity poor me.  That's not what i seek.  i simply want to find my best friend, companion, Master, Daddy, pet Owner, and more in One Person.

... of course.. friends are always welcome too *smiles.*


6/18/2007 7:25:44 PM

Well i just got back from spending the weekend with a wonderful Daddy from Grand Rapids!

i thoroughly enjoyed myself, and want to thank Him very much for allowing me to meet Him.

Many things were discussed, and the company (among other things) was great!

i especially enjoyed walking to the park with Him and feeding the duckies!  Aweee there were some baby duckies there that were just so adorably cute.

i really enjoyed getting out, having fun, and spending quality time with a Daddy Who cared about me.

..Thank You, Daddy.

As for now.. i'm back home.. alone.. and lonely.. just waiting for Someone to sweep me off my feet..le sigh.. i can dream can't i?


5/27/2007 12:20:31 AM

Well, isn't this just depressing...

i don't know how many days it's been, but i've had absolutely zero messages in my inbox...

i don't even know why i bother.. ya know.. it's obvious that really and truely there is a serious lack of REAL people in the lifestyle in my area that match what i'm looking for.

Maybe i'll try the other end of the spectrum for a while... i did used to Switch.. i am a sadomasochist... should be easy for me..ya think?

If i can't find a suitable person to be my Master, maybe i'll just look for a boy or girl to play with for a while... atleast fulfill a part of me.. it's better than nothing...


5/14/2007 1:08:10 PM
well..what's new.. it's been a while hmm..

...i'm still single.. not djing anymore... oh!  i'm auctioning stuff on an alternative website..it's pretty cool and addictive...

uhh what else.. still looking for Master Right.  The inflow of messages has been slow lately.. hmm strange.

Ohhh.. i just got a few pvc items!  i'm now into pvc lingerie and outfits.  7 are on order!!.. fetishists are more than welcome to send me messages.  If You like tights, nylons, thigh highs, fishnets, gloves, arm warmers, pvc... anything tight, soft and shiny.. i'm Your girl!!  Send me a message, and we'll talk.

i'd really love someone to just hang out with even.. a few friends who would like occasional scenes.. a person to attend a party with... a club partner.. hey.. i'd be more than happy to as well.  Get me out of the house!!! lol

well.. keep looking for updates.. i'm pretty sure i'll be updating again soon!

4/15/2007 2:42:37 AM
Have you ever reached that point in your life.. when all you want is one happy ending.. to end all bad endings you've ever had?

i mean.. you look around.. and all you see are happy people, married people, people who have someone else and are happy.. then when you take a look at yourself.. and a look at the past..then wonder what the heck you did to deserve living in the current situation you're in *i don't think i can swear on here and get away with it..so... use your imagination.. lots of fire.. brimstone.. torture.. hey that might be nice..*

have you ever been in that place where you can't do anything for anyone and ever have it be good enough... no matter how you try.. or.. how about spending just about every last dime you have on someone just to see them happy... and then just when you think things are fine and dandy and all kinds of peachy friggin' tastic... your life turns upside down.. the person you loved more than anything else decides oh hey.. i'm tired of you now.. i've got someone else who can do anything i want.. but i still love you.. what the heck!!!
How can you love someone.. i mean.. really.. love someone.. and do that to them.. i'm still trying to comprehend this.

anyone else see something wrong with that picture or is it just me?

ok..so.. i have all kinds of people messaging me on here.. all with the same question..can i talk to you?  tell me more about you??  what's your yahoo.. and you know.. i try to be nice.. i really do.. but after i respond to so many people a day who ask me the same question over and over and over again, and aren't even remotely close to what i'm looking for, i tend to get a bit cranky..  then they act like it's -my- fault that i'm the one who messaged myself knowing that i'm nothing that i'm looking for.

i'm not interested in someone over 35.. over a couple years is negotiable, but please.. if you're definately over 40, i'm not interested.  NOT!  SORRY!  ..stop.. sending me.. messages.  i've said it countless times.. i can offer You friendship... or unless You can offer me training that could possibly better myself..  just please save the both of us time, and don't bother.  it's growing quite tiresome.  i'm sorry if i come out with an attitude, but for the love of god, please.. read my profile.

i'm not a Domme, so sorry boys, i won't ever dominate you online, real life, on the phone, i don't want to view your cam, i don't care if you're naked, etc.  Again, i can offer friendship, but that is all.  PERIOD.

i'm not a lesbian.  i don't seek a Mistress.. sorry but i cannot live without the thing that swings between a guy's legs.  i'm not saying i don't like the touch of a woman now and then being that i am very bi, but it's just that.. i'm bi.

i'd love to find someone i can grow old with... have a couple kids with maybe some day... i guess it's only a dreamer's dream.. but it's my dream..and i can dream, can't i?

Underneath all of this.. i am a girl.  Plain and simple.  i want to find that one.. i want a fairytale ending.  i want to be happy..truely.. 100% happy.  i thought at one time i was... i looked into the eyes of someone i loved... and saw the world... i've watched the person i loved sleep..and thought to myself.. i can't ever see myself sleeping with another.. i've watched them care so much about something or someone.. that it just made me smile and want them even more... and then watch my whole world crumble when they can't love and care and adore me as much as i did them..

i mean.. i know i'm not perfect, but what could i have ever possibly done to deserve living a life of torture.  This happens every time.  Why?

i for once just want to find that one perfect Master.  i want to grow old with Him.  i need Him to love me as much as i love Him.  i want to look up at Him with so much love in my heart, and tears in my eyes, and know that He's my One.. my Master.. my love of my life.. and catch that one simple rare glimpse of His eye.. and see the sparkle that without Him even saying a word.. i know..with every inch of my being.. that i am His.

Where is my Master?  i know You're out there.. come find me.  Rescue me from this misery.  Take me.. claim me as Yours... make me whole.  Tear down the wall around my heart, break me, fix me, love me, need me, cherish me.. complete me... awaken me from my dream.


4/12/2007 11:31:39 PM

So, here we go again.  i had found a profile i rather liked on here, and spoke with Him for a while... and decided yeah, sure!! Why not meet the Guy.. He's local...

Riiiight mistake #1.  So, we had planned to meet tonight, had it mostly plotted out down to what i was to wear, getting off to a late start to begin with because He didn't get off work til late..

Well, here i am, all dolled up, dress, thong, bra, fishnets, hair done.. only thing i had left to do was put on my lipstick.. which i always leave for last... because hey, i might get thirsty.. put my boots on, jacket on, grab my bag and wait for His arrival.

i come back online here, after giving Him directions where to come and get me the night before.. talk to Him on another messenger service, and say hey!! You know.. i'm almost ready, by the time You get here... i'll be ready...

He lost the instructions..which.. i had given to Him on here, so i went back in, and i clicked my inbox by mistake and noticed His profile had been deleted.  So, i went to sent mail.. (you know.. that place where you can see if someone read your message.. and saves your message right there..) copied what i had sent, and then pasted it in His  messenger window.. and i asked Him.. why did You delete Your collarme ad??

The response was, "Because I found what I wanted."

Now.. correct me if i'm wrong.. but isn't it wrong for someone to assume that the first meet is going to go THAT well that you can just go in and delete your ad here.. because you've found someone you want a relationship with.. and you've not even met them yet?

So, after a very brief discussion saying well.. you know.. we've not met yet..things on that line.. the meeting was off... and now i'm left to wonder...

Was the Guy for real?  What exactly were His intentions?  Did He ever intend on talking to me again after tonight?  Was He a predator?? How should i know??

..When someone basically ends something that fast and deletes their profile in less than half an hour.. what would you do?!

...Soooo needless to say, i went and closed the messenger.. cause hey i hardly use it to begin with.. then proceed to strip off everything that i had worked hard to find and clean and get around the whole day waiting for Him to get home.. and then washed off the makeup i just spent the better part of 25 minutes applying to perfection..and for what?!

What are your thoughts?  What do you think was going to be the outcome?

Opinions are welcome...


3/30/2007 11:44:35 PM

SINGLE!

Well, things didn't work out so well the third time around.  i don't know what to say except i'm tired of being hurt, and i'm tired of settling.

You will note that there are major updates on my profile.  This is because first off i'm single again.. and second.. i know what i want.  i know it's going to be hard to find, but after this last relationship gone bad, i'm really really tired of bs.  i've gone beyond the hurt stage.. i'm to the point of being vendictively ticked off.

What's so hard about knowing how to keep a strong slave in her place?  i do have quite the dominant streak in me.  it's because i'm used to having to train a second girl in a relationship, and back before i found my place, i was a Switch *gasp.* i have been first girl of a handful of Homes and that is just my nature.

Once you tick me off.. look out.  my mouth starts running, and if You cannot control me, there's going to be an issue.  It's either going to end with both of us screaming at eachother.. or something else probably not desireable.

i know i'm not perfect.  i do need work.. but i need a Master to spend time with me to do that.  i'm too used to getting my way...and i need to be controlled.  Training comes to mind...any takers?

i'm a mere shadow of what i used to be.  This is mainly because i've built up a brick wall around my heart.  i've been hurt entirely too much and that's pretty much all i expect anymore.  The only thing that is going to snap me out of this.... streak..i'm in is to take me to just about the breaking point.  That's going to be hard to do for not only me.. but the Person Who chooses to accept the challenge...and that's exactly what it is.. a challenge.

i'm stubborn...VERY...stubborn.  i do defy.  i do argue... and for that i've been actually called a submissive...when that is not the case.  i need to be made to feel humble.. i need to cry...and i need to end up in a ball at the feet of a Master.  There is a quote from one of Santana's songs, "Wishing It Was" that suits me quite well.  "Pain... never makes me cry, but... happiness does."

i want to be happy.  i want to submit...i need to... and i need to find Someone Who will break me out of this slump i'm in and fix me to make it all better.

...Are You that One?


3/14/2007 9:11:14 AM

NEEDLES!

Well, after pondering and waiting and almost freaking out, i did finally get a chance to do needle play with my Master.  i have to admit..it wasn't nearly as bad as i had feared.

So far i've had  10 needles in my back, and 10 on each arm.  If you went to Fetish Odyssey on the 10th of March, you may have seen my arms there!  it was pretty cool!  my Master needled my black lace gloves onto my arms...and laced white ribbon thru the needles.  it was really quite pretty, and only hurt for a couple seconds...a minute tops... but that's ok because i like pain!! lol.

The first time i did it.. i was too scared to feel anything but the poking and His  hand on my back.  This time was a little different, and i actually started spacing out.  i wonder what's going to happen the third time.....hmmm... only time will tell.

i love You, my Master.


2/7/2007 10:37:03 PM
Being Owned...

Wow..what i have been missing and craving for months upon months has finally found its way to me.

i'm very happily Owned.. by a Master Whom i swore i would never belong to again.  It's funny what friendships bring; after being friends with my Master for the past 3 1/2 years and trying one relationship at the beginning, our hearts decided to give one another another chance.

We are the kind of friends who are there for eachother thru thick and thin.. good and bad.  If i had a bad relationship, He knew about it.  If He had a bad one.. i was there for Him.

When we both became single this last time, it was like a dream.  i kept asking myself.. is this really happening?  Do i really feel this way?  What if it doesn't work??  Am i just feeling this way because we both don't have someone right now and it's convenient for us both?  Well.. after seeing eachother for a while, and everyone else asking us and assuming we were back together, we decided to make it official and take things one day at a time... in a relationship.

Everything's gone suprisingly great so far.  i love Him... very...very much.  So much that i'm willing and wanting to give more of  myself to Him every time we're together.  With distance a problem, we can't be together due to my job, so every day i get off i'm there with Him...in His House... being myself.. a slave.

However, since i cannot be there with Him 24/7 yet, and do know that He has needs of both personal and for His Home, i encourage Him to seek out what makes Him happy when i cannot.  i know my place, accept it, and love it.  i know where i stand in our relationship, and am comfortable enough sharing Him with whomever He sees fit.

Thus, i seek a girl who can make Him happy, serve Him, and see to His needs when i cannot be there.  i am, after all, only human, and only one person.  There are some things that i cannot do due to imperfections of the body and abuse of the past, and i do seek out a girl who can do those things for Him when i can't.

For example: i work; in fact, i work a lot.  There are events that i cannot attend with Him, and He does not want to attend alone.  We seek someone who can attend weekend events with Him when i cannot.  Play is a major possibility for the right girl, in fact i encourage it.

Would you be that girl?  Can you offer domestic service, companionship, or just play time even?  i do look forward to communicating with you!

~*cindy*~
Loved by Master Andrew.
TheEvilGenius on collarme
sickofgames joint profile.

12/27/2006 11:25:16 AM

Okay.. first thing's first...

1... no i cannot relocate.  That means if You are out of state, please don't message me looking to Own me.  The only thing i can offer You is friendship.

2... no,  i'm not looking for You to relocate to me.

3... i seek a Master not a Mistress, and not a couple.  if You want to be friends, or maybe see about playing that's fine.. but please do not ask me to enter a relationship with You if You are not a Dominant Male.

4... -PLEASE- respect my age range.  if You are over 35 (11 years older than i am) do not ask me for a relationship.  It WON'T HAPPEN.  again, i can offer You friendship or possible play time but that is it... PERIOD.

5... If You want respect, please treat me in a respectful manner.  yes, i am a slave, but i am not a doormat, and i am not a piece of trash You can talk down to.

6... if You want a phone number.. get to know me.  i will not pick up my phone and call You after just meeting You.  Sorry, it just doesn't work that way.

Aside from the above.. come on people.. be real.  i'm growing tired by the day of people who think they live in a fantasy world.  This is my life... not a dream..and definately not something from a book.  Be real.. or don't message me.


12/10/2006 3:06:57 PM

Holidays suck.

This is going to be the first holiday since i've been dating for the past few years that i will be single.  i miss the closeness.. the love.. the human contact.

i miss going to those holiday events and buying gifts and spoiling someone.  it's been 10 months today that i've been truely single.  since February, i've dated one person and boy did that turn out bad.. *sighs.*  i hate it when you get to really liking someone and then they turn around and really hurt you in the end.. for what?

maybe santa or the new year will bring new joy.. new hope.. and new love.  i think that's my resolution.

On a plus side, i just got back from a wonderful weekend spending time with 3 other girls.. and we had an awesome time going to City Club in Detroit and hanging out.  If ya like going there give me a shout... it was my second time, and i absolutely love the place.  Before i went there, i really wasn't much of a dancer let alone knowing how to -GOTH- dance.. but hey i love it now.  i think half the fun is getting all dressed up and all gothy and scaring people on the streets before i go.. lol... i have no sense of TACT whatsoever.  i'm not a closet goth nor a closet lifestyler.  my motto is.. if ya don't like what i look like and if ya don't like me.. don't look at me and don't interact with me.  it's that simple.


10/22/2006 3:34:00 PM
Friends.. a precious commodity.

in this world in which we live, we're completely surrounded by jerks, morons, losers, idiots, people who make us upset, people who make us cry, people who make us hurt...

Just when that happens, we all need a friend.  Would You be there for me when i had a bad day?  i'd be there for You.

The most important thing in this world a person could ever have is a wonderful friend.  They help us through the bad times, laugh with us through the good, and help us bury the bodies when things turn out wrong..lol.

Right now, i could use some good friends.  i've reached a point in my life where i'm questioning everything i am..and everything i do... and i really could use some positive time and conversation with someone..if even just to get out of the house for a drink or lunch or something.

i'm lost.. come find me and lift me up.  hold my hand and help me to understand.  give me a gentle hug and rub and let me know that everything will turn out okay in the end.  wipe the tears from my face and let me know there still is love in this cruel world... Be there for me.

10/15/2006 3:25:40 PM

Honesty, Integrity, Strength, Compassion, Communication, Honor, No BS, No Games...

what do those words mean to anyone anymore?

If You cannot be real.. please do not contact me.  i'm entirely tired of all the games people play.

Am i not human?  Do i not have feelings like you do?  What the heck is going on?  Am i talking with completely soulless, thoughtless, inconsiderate people who say they want real life... they want one girl... they want this and they want that... when it's not good enough for them.

What happens when you do just about anything for someone just to make them happy and then they turn around and basically say screw you i think i'm going to go off in my own little world now and totally ignore you?

i don't understand it anymore...

if you're out to screw someone and then leave them in the dark, don't contact me.  Don't contact me if you cannot communicate with me.  i'm a person who likes to communicate and talk in private.. on the phone.. in pm.. etc.  it's how i get to know you.

i'm not big for talking in public.  i'm not a person who talks to everyone and their uncle somewhere.. i'm quite shy and self conscious.  let's face it.. not everyone wants a bbw coming up to them and saying hi wanna' go off somewhere and screw my brains out til i can't take anymore and while you're at it how bout spanking me for hours on end?

Why do i even bother looking for Someone?  All i ever find are people who don't care or are only out for a quick screw or a quick date or someone last minute to go somewhere.  What am i?  who am i?? i don't know anymore.  All i know is i can't hurt myself...and i like that.  If you're real.... send me a message.  Otherwise, just don't bother and keep looking.

thanks.


9/18/2006 4:30:54 PM
What a wonderful weekend... well..week...half a week..whatever..lol.

i met a wonderful Dominant from here (Who actually showed up) and had a wonderful time *starts to hide all the marks and bruises and...oh wait.. i'm not allowed to do that... d'oh..mumbles an giggles.*

i have to admit that i've had the most fun in the last couple days than i have had in a very long time, and i really appreciated and enjoyed our time together.

If nothing more comes of meeting eachother, i'd be happy with having Him as a close friend.  He's just awesome.. *giggles..ok stops it with the sappy sucking up ...sucking..ooo...clears throat...*

aside from that, i got a new toy!! Yes i did!! i got a brand new tawse... and i'm just waiting on a willing vic.. i mean..Master.. to use it on me...Who will it be..hmmm...*grins.*

8/29/2006 9:45:23 AM
Taking a look at some of these profiles on here often makes me wonder.

Do people start out looking for trouble?  One minute it says they're looking for the longest time... and then they find someone and i'm truely happy for them.

What makes me wonder is a few days after the relationship begins all of a sudden you see on the profiles.. "looking for another sub/slave to play with Me and My sub/slave."

Now i have had longterm relationships and i've had short terms...and hooked up with Someone i had only known for a little while... and i've also had the torture and sometimes pleasure of finding another girl to play with... but before pulling someone else into a relationship isn't it best to get to know that Person Y/you're with inside and out first??

Another thing that is starting to bother me are ex's.  i have a few of You on here.  You know who You are.  Most of You are coming back after what seems a few years and wanting to start a relationship with me again.

A good per centage of You hurt me badly.  There was emotional, financial and even for some of You physical abuse.  i am a slave.. but i am not a doormat and i don't belong to You anymore.  What makes You think i want You back after what You've done to me?  You obviously think i'm stupid enough to let You back into my heart and life.  Well i'm not.  You can't hurt me anymore.. You can't sway me anymore.. so just stop it and leave me alone, ok??

Thanks.

7/27/2006 9:48:18 AM
What i am not understanding is you meet all kinds of people on here, and find these guys who want to talk.  Then they push to meet you, and then you give up and say ok.. when do you want to meet?  you talk to them almost right up to the time they leave to come meet you.. and then they disappear after you get all dressed up with makeup on ready for a date or a scene or something and they never show.  They don't call, they don't message, and they do it repetedly.  What's up with that?!  Don't these 'wanna' be' Dominants believe in integrity anymore??  If Your word means nothing, then You mean nothing.  i'm sorry.  i've been stood up too many times from wanna' be's from here.  Why do i even try to find Someone anymore??  Anyone i find on here that's close to me stands me up 99.9% of the time.

Is it because i know what i want out of a Dominant??  Do i 'intimidate' them in some way shape or form??  What the heck is going on??

grrrrrr!!

6/14/2006 4:40:09 PM
Well, once again, i have found room in my heart and life for Someone.. now just to fill that void.

Yes, that means that i am once again seeking that Master of my dreams.. but what a hard thing that is to find.  Do a search for males in Michigan.  You'll see that there's mostly submissive men, and Dom Men that are out of my age range.  The ones who are in my age range, if you read profiles, mostly seek this perfect picture of a toothpick.  i for one am far from a toothpick. 

i'm around 220..225 lbs and most of it is tummy 'n tits.  i have very muscular legs *as you can see from my last pic on my profile here,* and six inch wrists.  i have to generally get specially made cuffs, because i tend to fall out of your typical off the shelf kind of cuffs.

sooo here i go .. looking for what seems to not exist.  isn't there anyone out there who can handle an extreme pain slut who is a bbw?..*and barely qualifying as a bbw by weight too... *

i'd like Someone i can take home eventually and say mom..dad.. this is so and so.. my Master/Boyfriend and i'm in love with Him. *yes they know that i'm lifestyle....* hence the age range.  i have nothing against older Masters, in fact, i'd love to play with ya!  when i was 19, i was regularly scening with a 60 year old Dom.

i'm just thinking of the rest of my life.  i want to find Someone Who likes what i like, Someone i could maybe eventually have a couple kids with.  It just seems that everywhere i turn, everyone my age is getting married and popping babies left 'n right.. and i don't even have anyone to love and curl up with at night even.  it kind of hurts, actually.. *sighs*

oh well!! wish me luck, and stay tuned to the cindy saga!

3/21/2006 7:24:41 PM

i'm not understanding why people cannot read i'm not looking for an Owner right now!! i'm not!!

i just had someone try to be my friend then instantly within a few hours try and beg me to be theirs once again...then got all mad at me because i couldn't focus on them 24/7 because i am an internet dj and only have a few hours of time that i can be on my computer a night due to work.

i work a lot.  as of right now i haven't had a day off in over 11 days and won't have one til gods know when because my place of work is severely understaffed, and they just fired another person today.  when i get home i dj monday, weds, thurs and friday 4-6pm and tuesdays 6-8pm.  i go to bed at midnight at the latest.

i don't have all of my time to sit here and answer countless emails and pm's from people begging me to be theirs.

If You want to be a friend.. be a friend.  Don't have a hidden agenda, and don't try or beg for me to be Yours!!!!!


3/12/2006 8:01:09 PM

Well, yesterday was my birthday.  my sister, her fiance` and my cousin decided they were going to take me out to my sister's fiance's father's bar..with her entire wedding party *she's getting married in june, and i'm in the wedding...* and get me flat out drunk.  Well, needless to say, i'm a lightweight drinker...lol.  my sister started me out with a long island iced tea (heavy on the tehkillya.. i was already gone by the bottom of the mug)..leading to a screwdriver.. a wet pussy (butter shots 'n tequila rose).. and a jager bomb.  the jager did me in big time and i ended up tasting it all thru the night til it came out the next morning at about 7:30 am when i was paying homage to the porcelain god.  yes, my friends, i threw up.. for three whole hours.  Thank the Gods for dramamine!!! lol

  Well it was the first time i'd ever been drunk in my life, and i don't plan on repeating it any time soon.. however plans are in the works for my cousin's birthday april 8th *face palms.*

  It's been over a month now, and i'm getting over the past relationship.  i'm ready to start playing again, but only that.. casual playing at the local scenes.  i'm not ready to start looking for a relationship yet.

  i've been thinking of what i want, and i really don't have a solid answer yet as to what i will be looking for.  i miss many of the old things i used to do... ie Daddy/daughter, being a kitty, goofing off... but deep down.. i just want to find my place again.  maybe i need to do some deep soul searching and decide weather or not i want to be Gorean anymore.  i've lived and breathed Gor for the last four years... maybe it's time for a change..

  while my very being cries out to be Owned... to share that bond with a Master... to serve.. to please and be found pleasing... to obey at all cost... to look for that inner beauty amongst things that many of us take for granted every day, another part of me questions the fact that i've just been hurt and taken advantage so much in this path of life.  it keeps asking me why go thru this whole ordeal over and over again only to be hurt in the end and end up like the rest of them have ended.. debt.. tears.. hurt.. pain.. disappointment and abuse.

  so, maybe i don't know what i want anymore, but i'm sure in the end whatever the Gods have planned for me i'll be ready for, and embrace it when the time comes.


2/6/2006 9:16:47 PM

*deletes that last entry and starts with a new one* 

i am officially single now.  After being hit out of anger, i could not handle it anymore.  i tollerated many, many things, but i cannot and will not tollerate being hit out of Someone's anger.  There's a word for that: Abuse.  That is not kink, that is not lifestyle, and that sure isn't fun in any way. 

in the past, i've tollerated being 6 hours away from a Master that started out 24/7, tollerated dealing with a poly partner that had an agenda to have my Master for herself (which worked,) tollerated cheating (which i wouldn't care if i knew about it to begin with,) debt, and much much more, but the one thing that i cannot tollerate and will not tollerate is abuse.  i am much better than that, and i deserve better as well (or so i've been told...) 

So now i am both gifted and perhaps cursed with the task of finding Someone new and beginning a new life.  But first, let's back the truck up.  i need time to end the hurt and re-ignite the fire to serve within.  So for now, all i seek are friends to take my mind off of what i once had.  a big part of the healing process is to take your mind off of the hurt, and if i can find a way to do that, the process will go a lot faster.

Thanks for reading, and stay tuned in to the cindy saga.


11/8/2005 12:30:23 PM

Is it just me, or are some of these new "interests" just a tad bit.. excessive?? lol.  Dang, it took me forever to finish all of those and think about what i like.. and what i tollerate others doing.. and what i hate... and i had to make some tough choices!!! lol.. maybe i should just leave like a lot to.. "no opinion.."hmm


11/5/2005 12:41:33 PM
Work, work, work..oi.

well, Master has finally got a job as of about a month ago and W/we're so happy about that.. but now i am also back to work..heh.  W/we cannot travel and visit as much as W/we used to, and W/we're lucky to get a day off together once in a while.  what really sucks about it is i work mornings and He works evenings, so i wake Him up for work after i get home, and i'm sleeping by the time He finally comes home after midnight.  The only thing good about this whole situation is MONEY...lol.

W/we're finally getting caught up on O/our bills, and Master has decided W/we are B/both getting new puters for christmas.  i'm really excited about that, as it will be my FIRST actual brand new puter.. not a used one.  After the holidays, W/we're going to see about getting some new toys and whatnot *evil grin.*  it has been way too long since i've smelt fresh leather and the sting of it on my flesh... *purrrrrs happily at the thought.*

8/28/2005 7:03:40 AM
Trust.

Trust is a big thing for me.  If i cannot trust the ones who i would call "friend," then they are no kind of friends at all.

Recently, i have been very hurt by those i called "friend."  After many years of people breaking my trust, and in turn breaking me inside, i once again have to learn to trust others.  This is not easy for me, and the recovery period i fear is going to be the longest yet.

However this time, it's a different story.  i have been hurt by "friends," not the other half of a relationship.  These "friends" i felt i could tell anything to (*without it getting spread around,*) and came to for comfort in bad times.  i was evidently wrong, because it happened more than once.  This time, they told the wrong people and have broken my trust forever.

So, yet again, my Master and i seek FRIENDS.  Those who are true to this lifestyle and true to themselves.  We seek a new venue to make new ones in, and are willing to travel.  We have been to Port Huron, Detroit, and possibly in the future Grand Rapids.  if Y/you are in those areas, W/we would love to chat :).

7/28/2005 2:01:15 AM

Well, it's been 4 months and a few days, and things are working out well with Master and i :). 

Please do not send me messages asking me to be Your slave online or real life.  i take the time to answer each and every message someone sends to me, and for me to see that is rediculus because You know before You send me the mail, i'm going to tell You NO!  Geesh!  How hard is it to read, "i am not looking for a Master?" 

If Y/you see me on here late at night between 12 am and 4 am Eastern Daylight Time, please do not expect long replies from me, as i DJ for an irc based lifestyle radio station!  Feel free to send me a message for info :).


4/2/2005 8:00:12 PM
Happily collared once again.  *smiles softly.*  As of March 13, 2005, i am happily collared to Master Thorne.  For His id on here, please see Thorne.  i look forward to serving Him to the best of my ability, and spending the most time with Him as possible.  W/we are 24/7.  i get to go to sleep and wake up every day with His strong arms wrapped tightly around me *aweeee.*  That is the one thing i have missed for so long... cuddling and going to bed and waking up with the Master that i love, seeing Him when it is time for me to come home from work every night, spending every moment possible with Him... what a dream.  *swoons.*  i love You, Master

1/28/2005 3:30:12 AM
*sighs* back to square one.  my last Master just released me because i was too experienced real life.  i still don't understand what went thru His mind.. but hey.. whatever.

i'm looking for that Man again... that Man of my dreams.. the One i could spend the rest of my life happily with.

i do not want a collar that will only last a few months.  i want one for the longrun.  This is my life.  i'm tired of messing around with Men Who only want a month or two or a week or two.  i need a sense of stability in my life.  If i give You my heart, i would want Yours in return.  Is that so hard to ask for?  Laugh with me.  Be there with me when i cry or i'm having a bad day.  Be responsible for what You Own, and be responsible for her mental and emotional wellbeing.


12/15/2004 12:14:56 AM
Silver linings *smiles brightly.*

i just spent the weekend with a wonderful Man.  W/we had been F/friends for quite a few months, and finally decided to go out together.  The weather turned bad, and W/we ended up spending more time with E/eachother than planned, and boy am i glad W/we got that chance.  W/we really learned a lot about E/eachother over the course of the weekend, and decided to begin a relationship with E/eachother.  He is the One and only Master i am considering for a long term relationship, and do not wish to look for Anyone else.  i can now stop my search once again and pray for the best *smiles softly.*

12/3/2004 8:30:36 PM

Guess i was wrong.. *sighs*  Things did not turn out as good as they seemed, but.. He and i are trying to make things better in hopes of F/friendship.  So, here i am again... looking for a Master to call my own, and trying to get thru the holiday season.  Why is it P/people always want to break up around the holiday season and cause O/others hurt, pain, tears, and sadness?  *sighs...*  i hate the holidays.


11/26/2004 5:06:30 PM
Happiness... yes, happiness.  i'm falling in love with an awesome Man, a caring Person, and wonderful Master all in one Person.  Today, November 26th, 2004, He gave me an anklet of promise and friendship.  i absolutely love it, and every time i look at it, i think of Him *swoons.* aweeeeeeeeeeeeee.  It is about time i found Someone Who loves me, spends time with me, genuinely cares for me, and spoils me as much as i spoil Him...lol.  On a plus side, my family likes Him too.. what a shocker!

10/5/2004 10:26:08 PM
Well, i just finished a wonderful book.. ~Blood Canticle~ By Anne Rice, and i found this quote from it to be quite explaining of my feelings of my Ex right now.  W/we do have a bond of the past, and that shall not be broken now or ever.  Memories last a lifetime.
 
"Even in grief and loss, I possessed [her].  She was a presence within me forever.  My lonliness would never again be as bitter.  Over the years she might drift away from me, she might come to condemn the point of passion that had brought her to my arms.  She might be lost to me in some other mundane fashion that would wring tears from me all my nights...  But I'd never really lose her.  Because I wouldn't lose the lesson of love I'd learned through her.  And this she had given me as I tried to give it to her." Anne Rice ~Blood Canticle~ p. 400 paragraphs 3 and 4.

10/4/2004 4:04:52 PM
Well, the results of the Dr appointment are as follows:  i had 9 stitches along a 10 cm cut on my ankle.  They took off the old cast and took some x-rays.  the bone looks ok so far, but there is still a lot of swelling.  i have a new BLACK cast on my leg for atleast another 4 weeks.  If by that time, the bone is not healed, i get another cast.  if it is healed, i get an ankle brace and start physical therapy again.. ugh.

i cannot believe the amount of messages i get from Masters or Their girls asking me to move out of state!  it states in my profile that i am not looking to move out of state at this time, and T/they keep on asking and insisting... maybe it's because i'm young, experienced, and well, me. 

On the plus side, i am still considering those offers from the sincere Masters here in the state of Michigan.  i am getting rather close with a few of Them, and enjoying nice conversation along the way :).

9/23/2004 5:42:29 PM
single again... *sighs* i am finally released.  my Ex did not call on my surgery day, which finalized it.  i want nothing more to do with Him, and now seek happiness once again.  my surgery went ok.. i ended up staying the night in the hospital.  i am still in a great amount of pain, and have a fair amount of recovery time ahead of me.  on the plus side, i've been getting some very nice responses from some nice caring Masters on here, and am considering one or two very carefully.

9/15/2004 7:41:54 PM

*sighs* well.. He has hurt me for the last time.  i'm really tired of being alone, crying, and disappointed.  i am having ankle surgery #4 on September 20th.  He tells me He cannot be here for it.  i was alone on O/our first anniversary, and i'll be alone on O/our second next month.  i hate this, and i hate Him for leaving me alone.  He promised me when i begged His collar He would never EVER leave me alone again.. that He would love me, take care of me, train me, and be there for me... so where is He... and where is His promise?


7/31/2004 12:35:13 PM
Hey... i just got a collarme.com account, and i'm liking it so far.  i am in the process of moving from Montrose to Flint with a sis friend of mine and her Master.  i'm learning that being able to be who i really am without having to worry about family takes such a load off of my back.  i am free to be a slave once again, and loving every minute of it.

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