Seven years ago, i was sitting with the wonderful man i served watching Him lose His battle with cancer.  Rest in peace MasterJohn NOLA.   As i tried to fall asleep a while ago listening to the rain outside, i wondered if those gone on to heaven cry tears of joy as they celebrate freedom from the suffering so often faced in this world. 

i often wonder if they can see us and are proud of our efforts to go on as they have directed.  If so, i hope He understands when tears still slip down my cheeks at times as i miss Him.  i've learned by moving ahead, embracing life and new love, that it is (as He told me it would be) possible to love and serve again.  i've not forgotten His pleas that i not lose my faith in God if we did not get the miracle we prayed for, nor have i fogotten His absolute faith that whatever happened, God would be with us.  i have gradually accepted that God is not going to answer my "why" questions before i leave this world but i will get my answers then.

i've also learned that loving another in no way changes the love felt for one gone on to the next life and that hole in my heart still aches, especially at certain times of year.  i wasn't ready -- You told me that before you left, Sir -- and now i realize another day, another week, another month, another year -- none of it would have been enough --  i wanted forever.  i asked the one i now serve to promise me He'd not die too (silly, yes, but i was so afraid of facing that again). 

As i think back to those last days, i'm still amazed that you thought to order Valentine's Day roses delivered to me.  And yet it was so like You to be thinking of others rather than yourself.  i had no idea how many things you had done, how many things you had arranged to help me through thoses days, weeks, months after you left this world.  You were truly remarkable in so very many ways.  i do not shed tears of regret that our lives crossed each others paths not once but twice; i only shed tears of sadness that we were separated so soon.  On February 15th of 2005, God called home a wonderful son, brother, US Navy pilot and sailor, husband, father, grandfather, Master, and friend.  Your subbie, wife, lover, and friend, cinderella

i'm not much on writing in a journal here, but this month want to mention how thankful i am for two great men who have passed from this life -- the first i served, Master John (New Orleans Master) and my dad.  May they both rest in peace.