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I would love to be on a beach right now, toes wiggling in the sand, eyes scanning for beautiful shells.. warm ocean water gliding up to great me.. the scent of the ocean filling my senses, a slight breeze caressing my skin, the sun's warmth filling and healing me....... I send my wishes to the Universe.... Let it be so!!! |
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I am hoping to get 2 Axtell Puppets soon.. the Grandmother and the Old Storyteller soon... only time will tell.. if the tumor goes down some, I am considering going back to Belly Dancing classes.. I am also looking for someone a Mentor of sorts in the Pagan Religion....!!! To spend time and heal with this Spring! |
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... dream of her beauty with tender dred. From the delicate Arab arch of her feet . To the grace that, bright and light as the crest of a peacock, sits on her shining head, and she knows it not; O , if she knew it, To know her beauty might half undo it...
Alfred, Lord Tennyson |
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Tumor has doubled twice, seems I only have 2 or 3 months to go unless things change.
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Curque Su Soliele is coming to NYC this SUmmer YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!! |
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I DO NOT CARE if the Males I meet are Don, Switch, or sub... I prefer COMPATIBILITY and SIMILAR BELIEF, SPIRITUALITY AND DESIRES. To see Life and the Universe in the same ways I need to rest.. Good Night All!!! |
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Iy id difficult to know you are a curius, unique exptremely passionate woman and then to wonder where it has all gone.... To wake up to the light of a new day and wonder what it will bring or if you will make it up the stairs this day..Three times in the hospital in 2 months and I have been told this is just the beginning with my small celled aggressive cancer. No chemo in awhile the tumor and other areas have grown.. my hair is growing back for how long. I still am extremely sensitive to the cold and now they have found 2 partial blood clots trapped in my Greenfield filter. I have been suggested too Hospice 2 times as I wait to see my Doctor on Tuesday wondering if he will say no more chemo.. My heart and soul still wanting to battle this... the clown in me wanting to learn more skills and to graduate and take them with me to make others smile and bring some light and positive energies into their lives.. I have to heal to do this.. I will need my vehicle back... Just finished watching the Chimps documentary to Eden in South Africa.. most of us ask for a second chance like that... and then watched Eat, Pray, Love with Julia Roberts I knew I was going to love that movie.. Have you seen it yet? |
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I want to be Loved again, desired again...To be able to open the feminine within me back up and be happy and content again.. To know that if when I pass on from this world and deal with the healing or the deep pain of this cancer.. That I will know that I have someone that loves and cares for me deeply by my side. To have safe loving arms wrapped around me. It is late I am tired, my body is full of fatique and pain at the moment and I want to rest but my brain and thoughts will mot let me. I am giving up so much lately and I am not accoustomed to it.. Especially giving up my SUV with these pain patches and adapting to a cane or the fact that I do not have the strength to lift myself or a few bags up the stairs. It is so hard to ask for assistance. |
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http://www.moonstone-jewelry.com/lovers-ring-in-sterling-silver.html |
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I swear I need a chaffauer sometimes.... and to find a new place to get clown supplies..Saw a beautiful backgammon board on Overstock.com.. I need to remember how to play it!! |
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Sometimes this chemo takes sooo much out of me I wonder if it is worth it all been sleeping for 3 days straight, cannot get anything done..... |
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Still soorting out from the move, having a hard time to find clown makeup... Costumer store is all out of many of their supplies, was not very happy when I went there last evening. But I did get a set of Juggling Balls and Juggling Scarves..
I still have to sort through many of the rubbermaids and boxes in storage and get them to a lower amount. I want to get my leather out of there as well and into my apartment. Thank goodness I have a room mate who is in the lifestyle as well. I have to get the leather out of there before the mice decide to make a home in the containers. Only thing that sucks is that family and friend will not let me drive with my pain patch on, I understand this, but it is limiting me for the time being and then my Oncologist says well we will give you a chemo treatment every week.. smaller amount.. I think to myself I am still going to get sick and weak.. I have been weak and fatiqued all week so, I did walk about 4 blocks to the post office and back to try to strengthen the leg muscles and stop at a resturant for a break and I had a chocolate Ice Cream cone. It feels so strange residing in the city again after so much time living rural... just getting my feet wet again, it seems! |
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Well, I finally Moved, back to Troy and very much closer to those I love the most.. still getting settled in and I love my room mate she is so much fun and always smiling, and now I have someone to walk with, play the WII and maybe even go to Bingo with once in awhile.. I have to sort through things in storage bit by bit, but that is ok it needs to be weeded out every so often.. :) It is great to wake up in the morning and be able to drink my coffee in front of the big wide, light window.. I am making a book reading nook on the left side of it!! and the lights at night on the wall are so cool.. they are so small and have those little lights that you put into chanderliers, but it is mellow yet bright throughout the room... wow I have to get to sleep have to still set up my machines.. mmm beddy by here I come....have Dr appt tomorrow have to get ready for that too....
good night, sweet dreams everyone..
Miss C |
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Well finally one of my dreams is coming alive.. I am now officially going to clown college.. 12 weeks of clowning around.. It was not an easy month for me, I was in the hospital most of the month but I did get people to smile with my chimpanzee.. I did not realize how costly clown makeup and supplies were going to be.. But I promised myself that this would be my birthday present to myself and I always have wanted to share some light and smiles with everyone.. So... here I go into another Journey and a little bit scared but I am taking that leap.. I need to find a good seamstress to make my costumes and I want to have at least 2 to change from.. not those store bought ones.. I have to also get alot of balloons to learn how to do ties and a pump.. I cannot blow up all those balloons. LOL .. I think the most scariest part is learning how to put on ones face at least with straight lines.. but that is going to take practice.. as most things do in life.. you win some and you lose some.. but in most cases you always have something to learn from the experiences.. I have been blessed with the sub that I have on loan... he has been coming to the hospital with things that I desired or needed and made some of my worst days the best.. and the nurses in the hospital were wonderful..especially the ones that loved their jobs with a passion... and with compassion ... They made a new wing in the hospital and I was admitted 2 times.. the first time was in the old wing.. the second time I was the first patient in the new wing and I had this gorgeous window with a lot of light shining through.. and these fabulous blinds.. they were like netted and had a matching chair to go with them.. it took some time to get my meds straightened out and they changed my chemo so that scared me a bit, but when I woke up one morning at 4:30 AM and saw a Bright Purple Bracelet with DNR on it.. I was a bit terrified.. I did not expect it, even though it is my wish.. I did not know they put a bracelet on you like that... It took me a little bit to calm down.. but I am home now and still adjusting to everything.. but I have not given up Hope... Hey I might possibly have nine lives yet to go ... LOL... I was wishing for a teddy bear for my birthday from Vermont Teddy Bear called Hoodie footie even had matching PJs for me to keep my toes warm.. but I did not get it.. :( I did get news that I am going to go see RiverDance here in Albany and I am estatic about that.. I have always loved drumming and dancing and that show is so full of emotions and elements.. and it is about a JOURNEY... Life is a Journey so it is just telling me I am finally on the right path... Many things are coming together.. even with my illness.. So I just have to BELIEVE that the Uni-Verse will provide.. Just as I always have.. perhaps just a bit more strongly and with the passions that I know I have deep within me.. I also realized upon reflection and believe me 2 weeks in a hospital room can do this.. That I am just an Eccentric woman.. I always have been.. Out of the Box so to say.. just never figured it out totally till now.. you either love me or ya don't ...
Till later.. I think I need to go eat and take a little nap...
Miss C |
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlZ3al7QFsc |
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Had a rough week, but I made it through, best friend came from WA state to be with me...Out of hospital, working on me and getting things and perspectives in order, takes some time, gaining more insight on many things and events in my life, past and present.. Very Grateful for everyone that has stepped into my life, both past and present... There is much to learn in life!
Introduction to the Art of Clowning
This 36-hour course of instruction will introduce you to the ancient and honorable profession of clowning. Students will learn what a clown is, what a clown does, where a clown performs, basic make-up application techniques, costume and wardrobe selection and introductory clown skills. The materials fee covers the costs for a textbook, makeup kit and one year membership to Clowns of America.
Going to go take my meds, have a light meal and lay down for a bit.. Thank you all for all the well wishes and prayers. I really appreciate them :)
"You have to take risks. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen." |
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Signing up for Art of Clowning Class and still doing Chemo.. I am not giving up! |
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Ok out of hospital .... now starting new cycle of chemo drugs ,, my best friend from Seattle is here and leaving tomorrow... Taking it slow not giving up hope.. Thanking everyone for the warm wishes.. have to go to sleep now.. see ya all soon...
Chya |
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At.st.petershospital in room4204-2 depressed scared have to do new chemo starting monday. Feel alone.tonight with much on my mind
U |
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I would just like to thank all the wonderful people here that message me out of the blue with words of encouragement as well as compliments... This is a journey and yes it is not easy. It is as if my life and within is in disharmony at times.. it is a deep and introspective journey and it is not easy all the time. At times I do not feel as strong as people would expect me to feel and I feel very, very human... You review your past and your achievement and failures.. your experiences and your losses.. your mistakes and your hopes, dreams and so much more when dealing with an illness... it is funny.. so many people tell me that I have a very big heart... it can be a blessing and a downfall at times..
I have so much in me and want to share it with a few special friends.. I am not in a hurry.. I prefer quality to quantity... I believe the Universe opens doors when the time is right... what are your thoughts???
I would like to know...!!
It is funny most Americans... are programmed for the American Dream.. A woman always wants to find that knight in shining armor and to have a house of her own, to feel settled, secure, happy in harmony and loved and cared for...
These days not every woman can be Oprah... gosh she is my Hero.. I wish!!!
Many years I have been here on Collar Me .. even when we had just one room and about 20 people... I have watched.. so many individuals come on here.. get a taste of the lifestyle and it is like a drug and they throw all caution to the wind...
Too many one line emails or else they lose interest, perhaps I know it is hard to communicate online at times and in times the context of what you say is not as if you were face to face... Some people honestly do not know what to say.. or are not that familiar with the net and this form of communication..
It is not easy at times I know....
Patience is needed... But I Believe when the time is right you will find what you seek...
It will come to you!!!
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Cancer can put a strain on intimate relationships. Treatments for cancer and the disease itself can cause changes in sexual desire and function. If your physical appearance has changed, you may feel less attractive or desirable. At the same time, your partner may feel helpless, fearful, or unsure how to support you. All of these issues can form barriers to intimacy.
The causes of sexual dysfunction are often both physical and psychological. Cancer
and its treatments
, particularly those involving the genital or reproductive organs, can directly affect sexual functioning and desire. The side effects
of cancer treatments (e.g., fatigue, nausea, vomiting, constipation, pain) can also decrease sexual feelings.
In addition, you may be dealing with anxiety and depression, which may impede sexual desire and functioning. These feelings can become amplified if your physical appearance changes, due to surgical scars, hair loss, weight gain/loss, etc. These physical changes can make you feel unsexy or insecure. |
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I really wish they made a little pill or something to give you the feeling of when you are IN LOVE.... seems you can do anything then ... no??
Otherwise I am trying to settle and sort messes about the house.. and look into meditation and other spiritual means of getting more in depth and in tune with myself....
WOW.. what a great site....!!!!
http://www.fifthelementorgone.com/ |
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I still want to learn the in's and out's of various chastity devices!!! |
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I really need to find someone that is good at organizing... so much all over this house since I moved in and I can never get it totally organized.... especially the rubbermaids ... I cannot find my belly dancing container either.. dang this chemo does not help my memory at times and then at times it is there and lol well you better watch your step!!! |
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I feel like a cross between Sinead O'Conner and Mr. Clean... hair here then hair gone... I found out that this will be going on for quite some time.. so do I have a memorial service for my hair.. It is just weird seeing it lay all in the bathtub after a bath.. and I do not know how you guys do it ... but without the hair I feel way much colder.. otherwise my head is as soft as a baby's bottom.... and I do not even have to shave it.. though I want to kill my room-mate/sadistic friend.. he wants to try to use Duct tape to take it off.... LOL I will give him duct tape!!! |
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GReat Site for BOOTS!!!!!!!!!
http://www.karmaloop.com/ |
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Ohh I am in Love with this Site..... YUMMY!!!!
I really need to upgrade my whips and rope collection!!
http://www.snakewhip.com/catalog1/Single-Tails/c34/p102/Snakewhip/product_info.html
http://www.snakewhip.com/catalog1/Adult-Toys/c36/p104/Jordanian-Galley-Whip/product_info.html |
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I WANT CONEY ISLAND KNISHES..... cannot find them anywhere up here... :(
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I hate to admit this but I am a romantic, I want to be in-love with my man, to care for him as much as he for me. I want to grow old with him. |
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Sometimes I tend to forget how many of you are ~NEW~ to the lifestyle. Though I have not LEARNED it ALL, in the years I have been doing this, we all have a desire to learn more! Well to all of the New Ones here as well as the seasoned BDSMers.... Happy New Years!!!
Miss C |
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No matter how busy you are, make sure to find some time over the next two weeks to reflect, think, give and plan.
The week between Christmas and New Year’s is the ideal time for this. Try to slow things down. Spend time with the ones you love and care about. Take some time to talk with your spouse and kids about goals and dreams for the next year. Use this as a time to recharge your batteries (and not just by watching TV the entire time), and with excitement, think about a handful of changes or additions you want for your life in the New Year.
I believe you will find the act of reflecting, thinking, dreaming and planning (with your family) to be one of the most important exercises you can do that will positively impact the next 12 months.
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I MUST be one of the very FEW women in the United States that believes that the Man must be the primary breadwinner in the home.... or very very old fashioned!.. It used to be you wanted to be with an individual because of whom they are.. now it is what do you do for a living.. I am well educated, but I do not have to prove that to everyone! I have been sitting here reviewing a few of the sub profiles and I tend to wonder why there are so many of them that want to serve one Mistress when they say they will serve ALL and MANY!! That is spreading a person way too thin.. I did have a few subs that desired to do that and would ask when. as if I would pull out my magical book of Fem Dommes to have a party with to harass the sub and make them work harder. I would rather be proud of my property in their behavior at an event and seeing them respect other Dominants that DESERVE it!!!!
Believe me I have met a FEW so called DOMS/DOMMES here that all they are interested is being a GOLD DIGGER and User...!!! and take advantage of other people!!
If you cannot find a plain ole Domme then yes you will have to go to a Pro Domme..
Should they charge for their services? Some of them yes.. they are putting their work and effort into filling your fantasies, needs wants and desires.. Should you be their MONEY PIG??? Well Dear that is UP to you!!!!
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We all take on many roles in life and it depends on the circumstances, envitonment and whom you interact with. I believe that we all have different aspects to us. all.... I have seen many sides to me, I can be a Little Girl, Princess, Bitch, Mother, Companion, SoulMate... Empath, Old Wise Woman... LOL .... It all depends on whom I am with and what side they bring out in me...
We all seek some some sort of connection.. with another... and at times you can connect or be the total opposite of someone.. It is when we try to impress our thoughts, beliefs and perceptions of another or how we think they Should be, when the relationship can nearly go all to Hell... it is how you adapt and respond to another and how you are able to accept the other person for whom they are as much as you totally can, then you can continue and come to terms and agreements that are beneficial to both... or decide to part ways...
There are people that will step into you life that you can fill some of their needs and they fill some of yours... but in reality in the end you want to find someone that you connect with in as many ways as possible, each in your individuality as a person....
I wish everyone a wonderfully BRIGHT and POSITIVE New Year to come!!!!! |
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I believe in the Universal Spirit and that it will bring you what you desire in your life when the time is right...You have to surround yourself with positive people and the right vibrations,... and it will come ten fold to you.. as long as you follow what is in your heart and soul!!! |
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Blessed Winter Solstice to all and Happy Holidays.. Hope you stay warm for the winter and you get what you seek this coming year....
:)
Miss C |
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It does amaze me at times how many male submissives are out there.... do they not understand it take compatiblity to serve a Mistress as well?
I have met many and some are very selfish and only want their ass played with, I am not here to serve them in that direction.. and although I love floggers I cannot weild the weight as I used to.. I am going more in the direction of single tails and want to get a dragon tail some day soon..... |
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Yes I have been briefly on and off these past weeks... Coming up to another chemo treatment this week. I do dread them... after the treatments it seems as if you are in a world between the living and the dead... not a good feeling at all... in fact it is down right scary....
Hope everyone is enjoying the upcoming holidays and winter months...
Miss C |
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Considering getting a Sissy Maid for cleaning around the house and another pain slut for my pleasure to whip with my single tail when I am up too it...!!! Trying to look forward to the Winter and first snow, but my head gets chilled so easily these days .... LOL |
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Still doing the chemo have to go for it on Dec 13... going for a bone and brain scan.. Have not been on in awhile.. Hello to all my old friends and new ones...
Hope you are all having a wonderful night.....!!!
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treatanysoldier.com pass this on please... |
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anysoldier.com please pass this one... |
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I have this wonderful submissive gathering wood for me so that i can be warm for the winter.. And I get to use my single tail on him. Next I have to get a Dragon's tail and learn how to use it on his ass!!! |
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Doing OK.. still doing Chemo.. Hair growing back.. will it stay this time?? |
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Someone asked me recently if all the thoughts I post here are my own.. at times they are an other times I post things from Daily Om and other sites... but I usually put where it came from...!!!
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Currently I am seeking a Fem Sub to play with my Male Dom Room mate, and to serve me... and a Dom Male or Tran Male to assist a male crossdresser gently into this lifestyle.. Local is best....
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The intricate souls that we are.. so adaptable, yet in many ways not... I had a Theory about submissives and then I understood that it applied to many us in the lifestyle and then it went into where my realization went to those outside of the lifestyle as well. You see many of us are seeking a missing piece.. a link.. there are some of you that will understand this and some of this concept.. I know for a fact I feel I was emotionally neglected as a child.. and I have taken this on into my path as I grew.. there is still an inner child within me searching and unsure.. now you may think I am a bit insane and I probably am.. most of our famous psychologists, theorist, artist and even sociologist had some sort of mental illness or another. At least they were stereotyped that way.. Or were they really insane.. perhaps it was the rest of society that really did not fit in.. most of us deviants need to go to a deeper level in our lives and within.. do you ever wonder why? What causes us to be in extremes and need that fire? What burns within us? Did you ever realize that many of us have been hurt and are afraid to really open up and be vunerable.. Now, you may think I write this because I feel immune and perhaps a bit.. anonymous on the net.. in fact that is the furthest truth there is to me at this moment in time.. You see I feel I have nothing to lose.. We all go through periods of discontent with ourselves and our lives... we all have times when we can believe fully in ourselves.. but no one individual can do it 100 percent all the time..
What is this missing link? What makes us keep searching and what are we searching for? Is it the source? Completeness? Immortality? To truly and completely know ourselves before we die? Has anyone figured it out yet?
In all honesty you must accept yourself first, as completely as you can.. as you grow and age.. as you make mistakes and accomplishments.. the parts you do not like and the ones you are proud of.. and then you need to accept another the good and bad as well.... not try to change them with your perceptions of them and what you think they need.. I am not telling you to fall in love with them.. there are all types of love .. you can love someone and care about them and there is no chemistry between you or you might sit and wonder what it is that you are in their life..
Most of us might try to find that firey yet compatible love.. we all want some fire and passions in our lives.. and the excitement of a new relationship can do that.. the trick is to always keep the fire burning even many years afterwards....
You cannot love everyone all the time.. you just have to realize that the Uni-verse has a bigger plan and you are where you need to be at this moment in time.. and that when one door closes another one opens.. a bit cleche..I know but it is the truth..
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Was reading another girl's profile and it said "i am looking for a serious Mr That will love me for whom i am and will
never make me cry in my life again will always show me what they call
love" It's funny don't we all seek that at one point or another in our lives??
Males and females alike!!
Perhaps I am wrong..
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It is hard to battle a dis-ease.. when you feel so all alone.. you could reside with someone and still feel alone.. lost in directions.. giving up at times and getting lost in Facebook and there mindless games.. or going to Second Life because at least there you have some semblance of the ocean and the sound of the waves.. Losing track of life.. and it is hard enough with the Chemo brain and forgetfulness.. to go into the paths that you feel you need to go.. it is hard at times to learn self direction, self discipline and to keep ones course.. there are peaks and valleys and sometimes the peaks seem so hard to climb alone and you stand in the middle of the mountain, not too sure which way to move...uncertain.. lost with your thoughts..emotions and heart.. hearing it beat to a rhythm that you are not too sure anyone else can hear...sometimes a person holds themself back or gets trapped into a set of conditions they are used to.. fearing to step out of their comfort zone.. preferring to be in the familiar even if they are discontent with the familiar.. seeking another to make it right when they themselves have the will, understanding, intelligence and wisdom to make it all better....
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It is amazing that a man like the Dali Lama can be so humble with all that he and his people have been through in all these years.. That when even he speaks of the bad, his voice has laughter and a smile in it.. he is truly a brilliant man..
While watching the documentary on his life.. and his thoughts.. I realized that there is so much in my life that I need to get rid of..
I hold on to items thinking I will use them in the future.. fancy dresses that I may never wear again.. High heels that gather dust upstairs.. books that have meant to be read.. sitting on the shelves.. PC games that I have been meaning to play, unopened... leather corsets that I may never wear again.. brand new ropes and floggers barely used...
I am going to work towards a more simple life...
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I do not ask the Uni-verse for much.
To have warmth in the winter, cool air in the summer... and bills paid..
some money in my pocket
Good food to eat..
And to have my dream of a house near the Ocean it does not have to be big but cozy.. , situated with my spirit and the things I love around me with a garden, and someone to show me how to tend it and tend it for me as well, before I die...
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Considering going down the Jersey shore for a few days.. to quell my need for the ocean and all the intoxicating senses that come with it...
Right now a bit chilled in the house, even though I am wearing a bathrobe and I am still scared of being cold for the winter.. the couch I sleep on has a blanket on it but the cold seems to seep through the floor.. even though the pellet stove is on..
It is an old house and I love it .. but it is not mine and I cannot take care of it and give it loving the way it needs it!
Feeling a bit fatigued.. going to go watch a Documentary of 10 Questions to the Dali Lama...
Have a wonderful day everyone!!!
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Sometimes I wonder what I fear most these days.. The fear of my death or the fear that I will never be in that deep intimacy with another. The place that body, soul, spirit, primal passions and even love meet.. The place where you feel one with the Universe and the one you are with...
Not the lust and the feeling of just fucking...or just the chemisty..
But truly being CONNECTED to Another!!!
I have lived my life and made my mistakes and faced challenges, felt joy and fear, happiness and even fire...
Now, where am I?
The depths of my soul yearning to be awakened again.. Yet the fears of my very being being crushed again..
I have known depths that no other can see.. I have felt with total being, heart and soul I have felt Le Petit Morte... But, I cannot define all of whom I am in one paragraph..
There are so many different aspects of me.. each having it's own needs, desires, wants and beliefs.. that all role into who I AM...
I am water reflecting...
I am heart...
complete....
I am a sponge that takes in the depths of others and shares what she can to let them see deeper within themselves and their lives...
I do not always do it consciously it is a part of Who I Am....
I am not perfect..
Who is??
I deserve a better life then the one I have led.. the roller coaster of life.. with it's up's and down..
I know I have a Higher purpose..
I fought to light since I was born..
I am still here..
There is a Reason..
Problem is that the Uni-verse does not always let us see why the events in our lives happen or why we chance to meet the people that we do in our lives...
Questioning it does not always help, it can leave one in a ball of raveled yarn.. always trying to disentangle oneself from ones emotions...
As I sit here I am somewhat amazed as always at the words that pour forth from my lips.. it is as if another is speaking..
YET, I know it is my words and thoughts, why do I sometimes feel like an outsider watching in?
What will death be like? Will it be easy? Will I have someone that loves and desires me at my side when I take my last breath? Will it be painful? Will the cancer take all of me away? Will the ones I love suffer?? All these questions swirling in my mind...
Alas, this is life...
Will I learn how to live again?
Will the light once again brighten my path?
Before the darkness closes in??
Will I be able to go to the ones and let them know I am still around in spirit.. with a scent, a touch or a tug of their hair???
Will they remember me when I am gone and will they be able to move on?
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One day they are going to introduce a new mental illness.. "Click-itis" The fetish or habit of needing to click a mouse constantly!
:)
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The Psychology of Clicking Or "How One Gets Addicted to the Net!"
I have known for a long time that the internet was addictive.. when we use to use the telephone to connect the internet via modem! I understood the mindset long before the Psychological field even studied it!
Instead of the Internet having a positive influence on society, it seems that it has broken down societal cultures and norm.. Everyday interacting in Real Life environments.
People cannot wait to get home to get online to check emails, chat with others online in room that they have gotten to know many of the people there.. or go on facebook and other various places to play mindless games in which the sound of the "Click" beneath your finger is almost as satisfying as a ciggerette or some good sex.....
Others that are disabled.. wake up to a morning with a cup of tea or coffee and the first thing they do is get ONLINE....
Then there are the other world such as Second Life and the SIMS.. where you can play an alternate reality.. to get away from the every day reality of your world... Again forming friendships and acquaintances...
And then there is also the concept that many of these so called free games, tend to make you want to spend more money so you can beat them or GROW to a NEW Level!!!
What are we coming too??
I am really beginning to wonder...
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Hmm I think I am going to start looking for a Nice Italian or Jewish man!!!!
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Three truths!!
We all do not want to die alone!!
We all want to find that special someone that will understand us, even when we do not understand ourselves. The one that will love, desire and accept us for who we are no matter what..
NOTE: other forms of acceptance that may take the place of this.. is acceptance from family, co-workers and bosses, scholarly efforts, friends, peers, parents, Dominant.. Master.. Mistress...
I just had to put the last 3 in!!!
We all have reasons of discontent many times in our lives.. no matter how happy, rich, poor, in love, successful, status quo we are!!!!
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It is hard to come to terms that you have an illness and perhaps will die sooner then you think. Yes, we all face death sooner or later at some point in our lives. Most of us wish for a quiet peaceful death, or for something similar for those we love. But, as the world turns fate has a plan for us, be a quick death, slow death or a unexpected tragic death.
As you think about it, images of your life past by in your mind, thoughts about what you could of or should have done at different periods of your life. The people that have come and gone in your life and you wonder why. I have been fortunate in many ways, even in the bad times. Thank you sissylauri, for being a part of my life for so many years and being there when I needed you and sharing the good and the bad..even when I was trying to be Doctor Jo.
Right now I live with a wonderful friend, whom I do not always see eye to eye with. He has been there as best as he can for me, even when my family was unable and has even dealt with the good and bad of me.. but his perceptions of me is not what I see of myself. But then I think that pertains to most individuals. When I am gone I hope there will be a sub, that will see him for who he is and hopefully desire the same things as he does.
Sometimes, I lay awake on the couch wondering what tomorrow will bring and how much time I have left. I worry about my children and how they will deal with me passing on. Yes, you have regrets and hope and fears. It is only human to be this way and all you can do is deal with them and except every moment for what it is.
I am hoping that I have made a difference in some of the peoples lives that I have touched and stepped into and that hopefully all they will have is pleasant memories of me.
Yes, it would be wonderful to take my last breath with the love of my life besides me, but I have come to terms with that as well..
It is scary as well to not know how your life will end and what will it be like. I realize that many of us may think about this once in awhile in our lives in fleeting moments.
But to know that there is a sickness inside of you that chemo may take care of but perhaps may never cure can be terrifying.
It is not easy to go through the chemo and at times feel that you are so very alone. No tender touch or words of love or encouragement to help you get through it.
That I think can be the hardest part of all..
No matter what thank you BuschMaster for being my friend and caring about me, in your own way, I know I barely feel it at times and you think I am just a Princess wanting things my way... that I am an incouragable romantic, that is set in what I believe.... even when it seems that I have given up hope myself. I hope that you will find your happiness, before or after I am gone...
and thank you for putting up with my stubborness as well!!
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Watched 2 great movies this morning.. going to have to buy them.. Living Proof with Harry Connick Jr. and Saratoga Trunck with Ingrid Bergman..
I think that Bergman's movie will be my most favorite movie of ALL!!!
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The place we call home should be a nurturing sanctuary to house our bodies and souls.
Our living spaces can become nurturing homes for our bodies and souls
when we make sure that our surroundings accurately reflect who we are as
individuals and who we aspire to become. No matter how positive and
creative you may be in your inner world, if your home or work
surroundings are contradictory or present energetic barriers, you are
likely to find it difficult to manifest all that you desire. By paying
attention to the flow of energy around you, you can align your inner
intentions with your outer realities to make your life a conscious act
of creation.
We can look to the ancient Asian art of feng shui for guidance. Since
the words “feng” and “shui” mean “wind” and “water,” you may want to
walk through your home and imagine the way these elements would flow
through your space. You can evaluate whether or not your home is a
balanced ecosystem that would allow a plant to flourish. A straight path
between doorways would make nourishing elements rush right through,
while a pleasantly meandering stream would instead create a flow that
nurtures life. Look for signs of debris that might obstruct the flow of
such a river. Clutter acts like hurdles placed in your path, blocking
you from creating what you want in your life. Once the obstacles are
recognized, however, they can be removed to let energy flow freely
throughout your home and your life so that you can thrive.
Your home can be thought of as a symbolic metaphor for your life. A
neglected space may correspond to a lack of growth in your career or
personal relationships. By shifting your perception, you shift the way
you direct your energy and attention, which can enable you to make the
changes you need to actively create the life of your dreams. If you need
some assistance, you can always turn to a feng shui practitioner, but
the most important thing is that you understand what resonates with your
core being in order to feel alive and nurtured by your home.
Daily Om
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The best and most beautiful
things in the world cannot be seen nor touched but are felt in the
heart~Helen Keller~
good night!
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After long consideration I have opened up a ~spanking NEW~ Chat Room..
Mistress_Chya's_Chambers
Welcome to MzLayde one of our wonderful Mistress's in the room!
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I need to find a Maid that knows how to Organize well.. since I have been sick, things around the house have gotten chaotic!
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Once I finish this chemo and if I find one to play with, I am going to start working on learning more shibari and bondage methods..
Yes, Dear boys,...even Mistress's have to go to school!! LOL
It seems that when I mention marking and whips, I scare people away!!...
It does not mean that I HAVE To do it with You...
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Why am I amazed at how many men ask me what my Profession is. Society has truly changed us! Most women would love to be financially Free.. Most women are show that as they get older they have to join the workforce to survive these days.
If I had to live my life over again I would have been an Business Owner, Philanthropist and all around Wonder Woman!!!
But, I was raised Italian.. it is up to the Man to financially care for the woman, no matter what! I am also old fashioned think of this in the older days when you had a wife family, it was you that paid the bills, etc...
If you had a Mistress on the side the same occurred, you paid all of her bills as well...!!
I am NOT looking for a Free Ride.. and I am NOT a Pro Domme.. BUT, I will not sway my perception or Opinion.. and no one will use me for a Free Ride!
Until, the Universe throws me a Financial Whirlwind or Oprah comes and lays a check in my lap!
It it is give and TAKE on both sides.. in most cases.. even the Ones that say "I want to do ANYTHING my Mistress tells me too!!" in the long run you have hopes, dreams and desires..!
Even if it is just to make your Mistress smile and please her in Any way!
I am really tired with some of the sub/slave mindsets here..
I am not a stupid woman, yes I hold 2 college Degrees!! I do not have to prove myself to you!
This is not a Bash, but an Overservation...
But, if you want to get to know one another, it will be on MY TERMS, unless I say otherwise!
Ok, now most every woman would want her Own Home that she can design and fix to her desires..
Do I have Dreams and Wishes, Desires?
Damn right I do but not every man can give me a house in the Hamptons, Unlimited Spending... and a Mini Cooper!
If you can and you would like to consider Serving me and begging me to get to know you.. then more Power to you!!
I also tend to want Quality Items in life.. It is just who I am! That INCLUDES my Toys!
When it comes to Floggers, whips, corsets, ropes, Bondage Equipment!! Even having a Dungeon.. I have MY PREFERENCES and Tastes!!
I would love to have a large Dungeon in my home and Really.. I prefer the Older Victorian style homes to these new fangled ones.. but I would love to have a Pool and a Garden as well!!!
So there I let you all KNOW a little bit more about me!!
LOL, Jeesh... do I have to make myself any clearer??
When I first found out about the Cancer, I almost did a Bucket List..!!
Yes, that was a good movie..
BUT, I have decided I am going to live much longer.. I just have to take a break every so often if my chest or other parts of my body hurt!
That does not mean I cannot DOMME, you !!!
If you are a slave.. you are happy to just be in your Owner's presence.. that does not mean you do not have a mind, and cannot think!
As for the ones that desire to be Servicing their Mistress Orally at every moment !!!
GET REAL BOYS!!
It only Happens if SHE desires it!!
That is what being a real submissive is!!
I realize there are so many here at different levels and needs.. beliefs and perceptions.. but state out straight what you will or Will Not do in your profiles.. or journal as you come to figure it all out!
If you are just here to get your cock juiced.. Don't Lie.. Say It!!
Respectfully of course!
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Check out the new Beyonce video... why doncha love me...
all the clothes she has on are way so VINTAGE... |
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Woke up in the middle of the night, I was not feeling very well last night. Doncha hate that.. going back to sleep!
Sweet dreams and good night. May you fall asleep counting your many blessings. |
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Lessons
of Reflection
Interfering
Each of us is on our own path and
we all learn differently. Because of this it is important to not
interfere with another’s path of growth.
When we care about people, we want to save them from pain by offering
them the benefit of our experience. Sometimes we feel like we know what
is best for them. Sometimes, like when their safety is involved, we need
to step in, but those times are rare. More often we find ourselves
becoming frustrated when our close friends or family members do not use
our relationship insights or follow our dietary advice, and this is
where we find our challenge. We may even find ourselves becoming angry
when they choose another path. This strength of feeling is usually a
sign that our motivations go beyond merely helping another to indicate
that there is a lesson there for us.
First, we need to keep in mind that each of us is on our own path and
that we all learn differently. When we trust the universe, we know that
there is a higher power at work that knows what is best for our loved
one. Since we do not want to deny them experiences of deep feeling that
are essential steps in the growth of their spirit, we can instead offer
them our counsel. After we have given our gift, it is time to release
it, along with our expectations of them and their choices, with love.
Once that is done, we can remind ourselves that our relationships are
mirrors that allow us to see ourselves more clearly in the reflection.
That is why it is easier for us to see solutions to other people’s
problems than to see answers for our own. We can also learn from these
experiences when we ask ourselves if we ever do the same thing. Maybe we
do not share experiences with relationships, but we do with our
finances or our food choices. In being willing to look at ourselves and
see why we are being irritated by what other people choose to do with
their lives, we can be like an oyster and make irritations into pearls.
With these pearls of wisdom, we learn to release the desire for control
over others and instead enrich their lives as we enrich our own.
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Listen to what you know instead of what you fear.
-Richard Bach
Listen with spirit, heart and soul.. it will always guide you in the directions you need to go!
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I think that once you have cancer or some other sort of illness.. You tend to look at life in a different way.. appreciate it more..
Well, I promised myself that after I finished Chemo I would go on a cruise or a trip somehow.. that is still in consideration..
But, I KNOW I am a SPOILED Italian/Mixed Jersey Princess!! LOL
I still want my Verizon and Pandora radio.. I can take it to the doctor's office, hospital etc ... when I am bored..
I am going to sell my blackberry and pantech phones for ATT.. and about 6 pairs of high heeled shoes that I have..!
Hard to walk with high arches and in heels.. so I barely use them.
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Gosh I really am spoiled!! I want a phone I can get my Pandora on at all times...!!!
Well, they do play UNIQUE and DIFFERENT Music.. perhaps that is why I enjoy it so much!!
Verizon sent out the Droid, and I am pissed.. I called FedEX and tried to send it back faster.. Now, I am re-evaluating the packages and plans.. for the price where I am currently at in my life.. going to BestBuy to check out the phones both contracts and prepaid ones!!
Yes I do believe miracles do happen and everything happens for a reason.. even my Cancer.. I may not know why.. but it helps me to evolve as a person and as an individual!
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Strange, I know I am expressive and at times I do not say what I feel to the depths that I do..or cannot find the words..
But, I actually read a subs' profile here that brought me to near tears.. it was so beautifully and wonderfully written.. it moved me!
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The weirdest breakast, a burnt hot dog off the grill, potato pancake and a piece of mozzerella with my coffee...
ugg dog went in the garbage.. LOL
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A Word of WISDOM to all of you Male subs/slaves out there..
If you are truly into this lifestyle.. and you find the ONE that you submit to with All your Heart, Soul and Spirit... and trust them!
NO AMOUNT of Distance is too far...
You would do ANYTHING for this Person..
Even FINANCIALLY, Emotionally, physically, in every way you could just to see them happy and to make them smile..
I KNOW because I WAS THERE ONCE!!!
so stop making excuses... and be open and honest about what you seek, need, want and fantasize about!!!
In the long run you are only fooling yourself and it will not last.. if you do not have the honesty!
Ahh, another thing..I need to note here.. Do not always judge a book by it's cover...
Because the one I felt this way for.. I would have never considered MY TYPE...
and he was supposedly more Nilla!! Though we had the D/S chemistry, passion, fire and lust BIG TIME!!!
So, keep this in mind if you are seeking a possible LTR..!!!
Keep and OPEN MIND and SPIRIT!!!
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It can be simply amazing when you realize that you DO ENJOY whipping a male as he squirms and that he can take more pain and of the whip then you ever could..
I used my Joe Wheeler whip that is longer then my favorite one, broke a little skin.. As the boy that comes here pleased me today..
As I was speaking to him, I told him he is a RARE, very sincere, wanting to please in EVERY WAY sub.. there are not many that I have met that wish to please so fully and that If I told him to lay on his belly on the driveway at my feet.. in a second he would.
It is a shame that he is Owned and on Loan...
and we did realize that he feels my open handed slaps a bit stronger on his shoulder and sides then he thought before.. he was dancing so pleasantly!
I do realize that I need more practice with the whip in aiming.. it is a bit longer and stiffer then the one I usually use..and I did tell him, if he was mine he would be in trouble because he would be marked constantly.. even with me sick at this point in time!
I saw this lovely leather full body bag and a few other bondage photos at a store advertisement here..
Perhaps once I get settled will have to get some new toys!!!
But then I love bondage, shibari, and plastic wrap.. wax...
want to still find out more about the chasity devices...
Sitting here waking up this morning, wishing I had someone to serve me coffee... looking out the office window.. wishing the view was of the ocean, instead of the red maple tree and grass.
Still a bit upset that the chickens next door are going after things in my fairly new garden and eating them...
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Have to cancel my ATT account... I hate my phone and they want me to buy a new one and it seems like my bill keeps going up monthly even though I barely use minutes,... gosh now I have to pay a fee to cancel the account and close it!!!! |
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If you don't love it without the money you won't love it with the money. - Todd Siler |
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What a sweet sentiment, I found on another site!! That is part of how I view this lifestyle and many aspects of life.. If you cannot find happiness in SIMPLE things, then why even bother..
Strange, so many have been telling me I am DEEP, I knew this already! But, it is nice to hear from others on occasion.
Remember when you were five and you hid under the table giggling with
your best friend? When - if no one found you - it turned into a little
bubble that was just yours? I like that feeling. It's not so easy to
realize when you're grown up but when you do it's magic. I like that
feeling and I like all the good parts of being grown up, like kinky sex.
Mixing them up is heavenly. When I hear a friend's idea and I say
"God, that's kinky, let's try it" and then do just that, light-heartedly
and with a feeling of fun and sunbeams, it's something I carry around
inside me that makes me happy.
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WOW!!! I finally saw a male sub that puts up some photo's that SHOW he likes and needs to be MARKED!!!
Bravo!!!!
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Maybe I should just look for a nice OLD Fashioned Soprano's Type Italian Male.. from New Jersey or New York!!
LOL gawd the Soprano's always reminds me of my Home Town and my Grandfather.. he was a Bookie in Joisey!!
MAYBE, that is why I am so friggin SPOILED!! He gave me everything I ever wanted!!
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Dont believe what your eyes are telling~they show
limitations~Look with Your understanding~find what You already know~and see
the Way~ Richard Bach
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Every label that defines us
limits us Deepak Chopra
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I have done a few strange things in my life.. Walked over 30 feet of Hot coals, bent rebar steel pressed at my throat with another person, ate fire.. done sweat lodge..
Perhaps, I do walk to the beat of a DIFFERENT DRUMMER!!!....
LOL need to find the DRUMMER!!!
YEAH!!!!
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My life reflects the harmony I feel inside and the
harmony I experience with others, with nature and with Spirit.
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Trust your instincts. If it doesn't feel right,
move up.
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I must have been very tired when I did my profile.. LOL I just had to update it!
Sometimes I sit here and want a cigg.. like today... I am not sure where the urge comes from, it is not for the nicotine.. You would think with the chemo and the fighting with cancer, I would say NO WAY!! Jeesh...
I guess I am going to have to find a local sub that can host, so that I can whip his ass, every so often!!
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Watching Eddy Cantor movie on Movie Classics channel... Good Morning Everyone!! |
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Everyone thinks they're right. So, the question isn't who's right or who's wrong. The question is, who is most in alignment with their Source? And who is the most allowing? And whose life is really going the best, most of the time?
--- Abraham |
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Life is short, Forgive quickly,Kiss slowly, Love
truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you
smile
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Some people are afraid to take a "LEAP OF FAITH!" Some take the Leap and then are let down...
I tend to wonder if you knew that you only had 1 month to live... what would you do? Where would you go? and Whom would you be with... doing what??? |
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THIS IS SOOOO WELL SAID, BRAVO subheart4u!!! In fact in reading your whole profile... That is basically what I seek.... that type of relationship that will stay for a LONG TIME!!!
In this lifestyle i think it is often said more then felt that a submissive derives pleasures from pleasing, but i honestly get an intensely warm and content inner feeling to have done something special for my partner even if it be making her smile when she is down. This inner contentment i get is intensified when giving my partner my physical, mental and emotional being to hold, mold and use knowing she gains happiness from doing so. i don’t see a D/s or any relationship as a defined point of what my partner or myself currently have experienced, but as a continual journey through exploration and experimentation. |
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I miss the scent of the Ocean.. The serenity when the summer crowds are gone and you can walk on a near empty beach.. the feel of the ocean breeze against your cheek and the sound of the waves as they crash against the shore and then flow back into the solid ebb of the water...... |
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Trying to get rid of the Nauseous feeling... so I can do something today.. Went to Dr. Was looking at photo's of the Jersey Shore on NJ.com.. Sometimes I miss Jersey!! sighsssss Damn Dr did not give me the perscription for Nausea meds and I do not feel well enough to go get the script to bring to walmart!
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Going to go to Art Of Ballooning class tomorrow.. Looks Interesting.. I am still going to go to clown class.. I promised myself that!
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St. Jude Children's Research Hospital
262 Danny Thomas Place
Memphis, TN 38105
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Do Something SPECIAL Today!!
If you know how to crochet, sew, quilt, knit... are crafty...
Make a Blanket for a child..
Send it to St. Jude's Hospital for Children!!
Att: Social Work Dept...
Attach a Note that you are donating a Blanket of Love!!! to a child that is ill there at the hospital, to keep them warm and let them know they are loved!!
ATTENTION: If you do not know how to do crafty things.. Find a person that does.. a local senior citizens club can help.. ask around, donate the yarn for them to make the blanket... and then send away!!!
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If you remember the English Palace BBS and remember when there was just 1 chat room on here, with about 6 regulars in it... and no video...
YOU have been on here WAY TOO LONG!!!
:)
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Since the sex has been nonexistent at my house lately, here is MY
TURN to live vicariously through YOU.
Today's writing assignment is for you to describe in 20 words or less
the most erotic sexual experience you've had. |
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sooooooooooooooo t i r e d....
need my house cleaned and dusted and washed.....
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GarlicFestival.com
Love these products!!!!
Go Gilroy!!! |
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Feeling like crap this morning all this chemo.. wears the body down and then you wonder if it will ever get up .... UGGGGG
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I have been away a few days with chemo and healing... |
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I am beginning to learn about Male Chasity Devices. I have always had an interest in them!
Why does the thought of being a KEY HOLDER please me?? Hmmmmmm
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http://www.dosomething.org/dosomething101
a very good program to get involved in Your Nilla Community..
Get Involved and Give Back..!!
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I do want to learn more about CHASTITY DEVICES for the Male Slut!
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I am seeking one who is financially free, Mature, Intelligent, creative in pleasing a woman on a daily basis, not always in a sexual way. A male dynamo in the vanilla world that needs to take charge in the business world, but also needs to submit to that one woman heart and soul, once the business day is over. You must enjoy travel, theater, finer things in life and yes even simple things and be grateful for all that has come you way in life so far. Both the good and bad for it has helped to you to grow as an individual. You must crave shibari, plastic wrap and single tails and to be put into chastity..! Be able to handle pain and if you squirm and dance much when you are used at My Whim..that is even more delightful!
If you reside in ANOTHER COUNTRY.. I would like to know what you can offer me at such a distance.. !
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I am going to start looking for housing down the Jersey Shore.. I used to reside down there a very long time ago.. would like to live down there again.. In the winter it is sooo secluded and empty.. I can handle the fanfare and tourist of the summer as well..
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6 hours of chemo today... I do not mind that, it is afterwards, 3 days of chemo and I am as weak as a kitten...so if I do not respond to your messages, you will know why!
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Underneath
the Noise
Hearing the Whisper
The whisper that reassures us
everything is okay delivers its message with quiet confidence. Once we
hear it, we know it speaks the truth.
You may have noticed that if you want to speak to someone in a noisy,
crowded room, the best thing to do is lean close and whisper. Yelling in
an attempt to be louder than the room’s noise generally only hurts your
throat and adds to the chaos. Similarly, that still, small voice within
each of us does not try to compete with the mental chatter on the
surface of our minds, nor does it attempt to overpower the volume of the
raucous world outside. If we want to hear it, no matter what is going
on around us or even inside us, we can always tune in to that soft voice
underneath the surrounding noise.
It is generally true that the more insistent voices in our heads
delivering messages that make us feel panicky or afraid are of
questionable authority. They may be voices we internalized from
childhood or from the culture, and as such they possess only
half-truths. Their urgency stems from their disconnectedness from the
center of our being, and their urgency is what catches our attention.
This The other voice that whispers reassurances that everything is
fundamentally okay simply delivers its message with quiet confidence. ,
and oOnce we hear it, we know it speaks the truth. Generally, once we
ha’ve heard what it has to say, a powerful sense of calm settles over
our entire being, and the other voices and sounds, once so dominant,
fade into the background, suddenly seeming small and far away.
We may find that our own communications in the world begin to be
influenced by the quiet certainty of this voice. We may be less inclined
to indulge in idle chatter as we become more interested in maintaining
our connection to the whisper of truth that broadcasts its message like
the sound of the wind shaking the leaves of a tree. As we align
ourselves more with this quiet confidence, we become an extension of the
whisper, penetrating the noise of the world and creating more peace,
trust, and confidence.
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http://www.sailwithterry.com/
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