Brownsugargirl


BrownMaster Male Dominant, 26	BrownSugar Male Dominant, 31, Leuven	Brownwolf Male Dominant, 31, greenville, South Carolina

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	About Brownsugargirl Here's the conclusion I've come to: I don't have to tolerate a man who can't or won't keep his dick to himself. I won't let anyone use me. I give my service out of love NOT low self esteem. I'm not ugly or stupid or lacking in any way that makes me a unviable adult, so I don't have to settle for no bitch ass man who can't do for himself cause I DO FOR MYSELF. A lot of ppl male and female talk a good game but ain't about shit. Everything I say I can do. I DO! 90% of the world is a bunch of bullshitter's and I won't tolerate that in MY man. If you can't or won't keep a job and live life with morals, values, and plain ass common sense then don't approach me cause I won't hear you. If you step to me step correct. If you can't give me love and sincerity then you won't get my time. I have been to myself for most part for 2 years and what I learned is I don't need a man. I want a Man. I desire companionship and someone to love, cherish and respect and if your not looking for a woman to love you and love you strong and spirtually then don't step to me. No married men. No men who are bitches. No men who are whinny. If you weak and lazy and stupid. Don't bother me. If you wanna stop playing games and have a real love then approach cause I am a real woman who knows how to love you long strong and all life long. With me your not settling, your getting the best. Peace.

It's funny. All my life i have fought the bitter angry black woman sterotype and I will admit, I have those moments but I find black men in particular often don't understand how I end there.

I try to be sweet, yielding, and understanding and men abuse it. It hurts so badly. I know to completely give into the bitterness is wrong and then I lose out on being happy. I just find it frustrating b/c all I want to do is to please, serve, and help. I am a goody too shoes and I can't help it, been this way all my life. But I hate when men abuse my sweetness.

Just had an ephiany moment. I am submissive to a Real Dom man but I am Dominant to other females. I realize, yes, I am bi but there is a very Dominant side to me but it takes a real Dom man for me to relent. Not the controlling yelling kind but the kind that is stern, consistent, patient, and a man of his word. Integrity is really lacking in today's society. That's why I am single!

Strange they always say 1 men to 7 women but in China it's 7 men to 1 women but we still somehow get the short end of the stick.

BTW, in China, they have a huge problem of kidnapping. B/c of One Child Policy also because of the female shortage. Now, it is true Domination when you feel justified in taking a child from their family so you can have a son carry on your lineage or to provide your son with a wife. However, that is Domination in it's most caustic state. To truly hurt, mame, kill, and destroy another is not sexy or interesting. I think people should really find the true line of Domination is when it's done safely.

I know what attracted me to BDSM was the sense of having a Master to guide, protect, and love me. My mentor Master expalined to me that is more of a husband than a Master. I guess it is but for me BDSM is a safe way to express feelings that mainstream society considers wrong or unhealthy and having a constructive way to release or relate feelings of agression, frustration, pain, joy, and lust--whatever. Why would i want to share that most sacred secret part of me with another other than my Master or my sub?

We live in a very hypocritical Puritanical society. We say to kids wait to have sex until marriage but all they see, hear, and do has sexual connotations in it. It's just plain stupid. Then when you get married 70% stop having good consistent sex. I know kids, work, etc but for someone who is celibate and once loved someone; it bound me to him. We had a certain way to do things and I knew he would be there. I think intimacy is so needed between lovers not just the sex. And i feel Bdsm is a great tool for that.

When are we going to start getting honest with ourselves?

I know this may not be the place to have this rant but we're all open minded people with opinions....American journalists give out too much information! I just read on popular news outlet; the who what and where of the heros that killed the most hated man in America's history, Osam Bin Laden. But to put all their background info out there for all to see? Hello, we have home grown terrorists here in this country now. They've already had 2 bases get attacked by it's own staff. Why would we egg this on? I mean, yes, it's nice to give them credit but to put they're lives in danger to do it is stupid. I feel that journalists do this more for ego than trying to help inform us. Some of us know that National Security is more important than us having to know all the details. We are at war, why are we telling people our business? We are dealing with some of the most fanatical militants in this age. And all in the name of informing the American people of the ongoings of our country. Moreover, they put those who actually fight so we can have this freedom in jeorpardy. This is stupid!

Growing up my parents made me believe adults were thinking, moral, rational people but that was a bold face lie! We may not agree how to make it work but we all want it to work. These people DON'T. They want the money and power we have. They feel slighted and feel they are better than we are. Now everyone likes to think that about themselves and trust me I know America is one jacked up place but when you travel and read news reports, you'll get just how good we have it. When I was in Europe, they advertised about getting US Visas on the subways, billboards, everywhere! None of that goes on here! Everyone wants to come here to make it rich and have a better life. Many Arabians don't want to be there cause the adults won't let change happen! We live in one the best countries in the world and those extremeists know it and hate it. They want the power (Only 1% actually has it.) That does not seem very holy of an ambition?! Oh, they say it's because Islam is the best way then you go on youtube and read about the drug and prostitution problems in Middle East.

Furthermore, Holiness has nothing to do with garb, hats, or even enforced laws--it has to do with your heart. You can all the good intentions you want but what does your actions say when no one is around. Are you fornicating, hating, raping, critising, and just plan old being nasty? You can go to church every Sunday, Saturday, Friday, or even Thursday but if your heart is bitter, cruel, and hateful what good is all your piety. That's what God cares about. I'm not saying dressing modestly, or not cursing or fornicating is not a good but if your not making the world a better place then are you really a servant of God? I hear about so much misery from religious people and it makes me sad b/c our world society has lost track of sincerity and reality.

That's what bothers me most about this world. The journalists will say we did it to inform the American people and the extremists will say we killed to give justice for Islam. But we all know both are lying. It's about the journalist out scooping another and really it's about they're jealous by US influence and power.

One of the things that attracted me to BDSM was there was a sense of honor and integrity. These are qualities that are severely lacking in today's society. We all see and speak about it with friends, family, and co workers but no one ever thinks they are a part of the problem. When we going to start telling the truth?

Well, I tried to be nice to a guy whinning about his cock! What a bitch! Then he got nasty. Insanity reigns in this place!

WHY I DIDN'T VOTE

You may say that was irresponsible of me. You may say it goes against what my ancestors fought hard and died for. I understand your point. However, I felt like we could have made better use of the money to pay for the BILLION commercials that bombarded my television and internet viewage. They'll pay towards getting cushy government positions and to fulfill their own agendas. It has nothing to do with OUR good but to line their pockets. People are stupid enough to take their hard earned money for a bunch of people who have no real idea of how to run a government. Just because you owned a restaurant or went to war does not make you a policy maker.

They all scream about excess, big government vs. small government but really this modern government is nothing what our forefathers (and foremothers) wanted for our countries future. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Not sure but the true spirit behind government right now is all about MONEY. Yes, we are a capitalist democracy however, ethics, knowledge, and sincerity mean nothing nowadays. You have people with no real formal education about the running of this complex government. Our kids hardly know how government is formed, regulated, and enforced. And some of these people were behind the slashing of education funding and some are the products of it. Hello, Chris O'Donell. She couldn't think her way out of a paperbag!

People vote their conscious and NOT reality. Because if all these so called conservatives were so devote and are as widespread as we are told this government and this country would not look anything like it does. Google simple words and they'll send you to porn sites. And for all the liberal democrates who pretend they are for the minorities and the weak, come to my hood and show me your face and your efforts besides during election time. I feel people need to stop accepting bullshit.

Why scream your a fundamentalist christian and your kids are partying with drugs and alcohol, having sex, and babies out of wedlock? Cause as a religious parent you are expected to raise and interact with your child. To teach them the ways of the Lord but if mom and dad are working all the time, addicted to the internet, watching porn and going to sex parties; that's not really fulfilling God's will for your family. Even if the mom stays home. She's worn out cause often men need a chance to rest after a 10 hour day while her day is the whole 24 hours.

Then for the liberal ones, they say they are Christians but hardly ever go. Never read the Bible with their kids or take them to any form of spiritual observance. Their houses look like Jerry Springer Shows (conservatives too) cause they have this man and that woman in their beds, fussing and fighting. Or they are apathetic and just too absorbed with their own lives to pay attention to their families or each other for that matter.

I am so sick of the lies people tell to themselves and others. Why are we so stupid and do this? We had republicians in office for 8 years and they messed everything up. Now want to blame Democrates who have only been in their for two years fixing eight years of bad leadership and policy making. Doesn't make sense. And stupid ass Americans are not figuring that out. If the republicans could do such a good job then why did our country collapse under their tenure? Why do Americans have such short memories? They filled and lined their pockets. Their commericals talk about how the Democrats gave failed bailouts but who made the policies that allowed these companies fail? They had free range and they collapsed with it. Why Americans so stupid to see this? Poor white trash screaming about I don't want government controlling my healthcare are the same ones on medicaid and medicare. Also have guts hanging over their belts. So they will be racking up the cost of healthcare. Higher education institutions want to charge tuition so high now doctors student loan themselves to death and have to pay high insurance fees cause we're a sue crazy society. One thing for cruelty and severe mistakes but another cause you didn't like their attitude.

People have lost sight of what's important. The family. If we raise our children with intelligence, diligence, and love; our country will improve. However, if all we can think about is what can I get, instead of being happy with what we have and working it then that goes AGAINST what ALL the Holy Books say. Or have we forgotten that was the main point of the education system was to teach our children to read, so they can read the Holy Books, so they can get guidance and inspiration. So they could be decent, hard working, moral, and upstanding citizens.

The Pledge of Allegiance say it all:

I pledge Allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America
and to the Republic for which it stands,
one nation under God, indivisible,
with Liberty and Justice for all.

I'm a Christian , sub/slave, and a woman. When are men going to get that sex is not an option from the get go. Then they lie and say, "That's not what I'm looking for. But when we meet. I want to give you your birthday spank. Nothing is going to happen. I dont want sex." Now, my answer is "I got a bridge to sell you real cheap." Then try to say he's mad cause I assumed that he wanted sex. Now for those of us seasoned players knows. Woman panties down, off, or even on leads elsewhere. BDSM is passionate and intense and if I can't sense you have any self control (Cause you won't just meet for coffee for the first meeting) and you want me a woman that has health issues to trek to another state and go to your home for a spanking. That does not seem very chivalrous. It seems selfish and not thought out and inconsiderate. That is not a Dom, that is an asshole. A man shows his interest with sincerity and effort, not I have nothing to prove! BS!

Men grow up and have a reality check. I am 1943 not 2010. A man proves Himself just as I do. And the only choice I have is whether to submit to him or not. Now how on earth is a person going to submit to someone she views not looking out for her best interest? I am not a fool I may have slave tendancies but I ain't no dumby and men keep playing games like the shit my Daddy taught me is wrong. It ain't and a lot of men are weak pussies and I hate it.

i know i am a pain in the ass. I am honest (to a fault) but playing this love game wasting my time with lies and BS is stupid. People forgot the art of courting and it's hard to court when you have men doing dumb shit. I'm 35 now. I got eggs I wanna use and talents I gained to be a good wife, mother, and companion. I am kinky yes but that is not all I am. Why r people nowadays so obsessed with meaningless sex? Why are black men saying, "I like white women cause they less problem." And my white males say the same thing about black women. And I don't get why a black man wanna be some white woman's black buck? Have some self respect and love. Grow up. Use your head and gain some self control. Man, you'll men are looking pathetic.

Well, I was on yesterday. Talked to a couple of interesting men. One stands out more. Keeping my head on straight. I learned to be cautious with my sub heart. I don't know my Italian friend keeps approaching but does not seem realistic. Plus, he's a horn dog which annoys me. No conversation, just romantic coos and if anyone knows me knows, if there is no mental connection there is not going to be any physical connection either.

Patrice Rushen's "Settle for My Love" is my favorite love song right now. It's so sweet and tender. For me it's about a love between a man and a woman. In a BDSM relationship for me it's about being honest about wants and desires. But also, in my truest place it's humbling to have a love you cherish so much and to feel like their love is so great. I'm a confident woman but to have a man to love me so strong and sincerely, I would be humbled. A prudent man does not give his heart away easily. So I treasure it above all else.

Peace.

2 things!

1. Why did The Sundays have to break up? My college and hs years were made livable by them. I love them still!

2. What is it with crazy Dom/mes that want you to put your sexual lexicon in front of Their or my child and or O/our future children? I had one guy say he wanted to spank me when being punished in front of our children. I had another tell me she wanted her 10 yo son to command me too. Crazy bastards. No family play assholes. Keep O/our kids out of it. I have a 11 yo son. He can hear me say Master and he can see my yield but that's all he should know. He knows mommy respects her Master/Husband. That's all!

People are crazy!

Things are slow very slow with guy. So looking for another.

Just had a guy tell me he wanted to beat me in front of my child. Oh hell No!

Just did another hospital trip and it was hard and had to stay for 14 days. I was so happy to see my home until I got my son's cold but still happy and all my music from internet! Listening to Sting's I'm An Englishman in New York. One of the most philosophic songs in the world.

Paolo is wonderful as ever he's coming I'm so excited! If we click we decided to just go for it. Marry and move to Italy b/c of his banking career is taking off. He 's gone from piss on to a man of talent and ability. I can pick them can't I but really He choose me. I figured a man a gorgeous as he is wouldnot go for chubby black woman from Philly but he adores me and I adore him! Pray works. Also when I stopped thinking every man I'd want I'd have to fight or gain his love would be the only way for me to have it. It all changed. Men from around the world Dom, sub, switch, vanilla, whatever. They appreciate my love of arts and travel and being well read and being domestic. As well as a slut behind closed doors! And down right pleasant. I have learned I am sweet as heck and very considerate to others. Hospital trips teach me that every time. LOL

I'm still cautious about Paolo but happy. We shall see but he melts my heart like no man ever has. My mentor Master Trigunnerx told me this would happened. He said you don't know your worth. He said, "you have more class in your pinky fingernail than most people have in their whole body. He told me I was kind and sweet and giving. However, I am bad at taking direction. I'm bad. I have a lot of work on that. LOL He pushed me to fight to be me to choose to live my own course and he was so right. I am indebtted to Him for live. When he calls I come running w/o hesitation.

Honor, integreity, Valor, Sincerity, and education are things that describe BDSM or D/s or whatever we this kink but when you truly seek those out in yourself your world will change for good.

I bid you peace and love and lots of fun! tracie

just watched pulp fiction on IFC. I got to see the final scene. He says Your the weak and I am the tranny of this cruel world but I'm trying to be the shepherd. I think i realized that as a small child it is better to be kind than to be cruel. That's why it's hard for me to be cruel for no reason. One thing to discipline a sub to train them and to better them. Another thing to just be a cruel maniulative bitch for no reason which I find a lot of ppl tend to do and be.

When I was a child I was kind of harsh even now I work to keep her under wraps. My temper is famous cause I'll cuss you out and make you laugh at the same time. I recently ran into someone who met me at a party and I was pissed and said some awful things and I regret that I let my temper get the best of me. I have so much to learn but i want to do and be better and at least I'm trying. God is good and He's working on my patience. Cause i know i surely need it. LOL

dream fantasy Dom would have been Jim Morrison. Watching The Doors for the like 100th time. The Passion, the freedom, the uncertainty but it was real. Sloppy chaotic but real and in the moment. Just the drugs messed it up. And the fear of course. Oh the fear always messes greatness up. Ohhh! I love Jim Morrison and Jimi Hendrix. That would be my dream 3 some. Jim's dick in my mouth and Jimi's cock in my ass and Janis licking my clit from below. I know i said 3some but i'm greedy.

That was naughty. Bad Tracie Bad!

reading journal, i see why i have a following, i'm pretty good. Who knew all that frustration and hurt and joy and discovery was interesting to read. ttyl!

It's weird when your in a world full of fakes you find your worth. A lot mentally going on with me. Having to come to terms with D/s and me. I realized I don't have to do everything in the world for my Master but i do want to be my best but not perfection. i can't be all things to him and he can't to me. i am learning thati am not so much submissive as is sweet. i like to help, be pleasant and love wholeheartedly. Yes those are traits of a sub but i am more than that. i am a multifaceted woman. i have skills i've acquired throughout my life and i love to shower them on my loved ones. However, in D/s i was never aloowed to fully use them. Always holding back and i don't want to anymore.

I'm a classically trained chef. Domestic goddess. businesswoman. painter, writer, potterer, dancer, prolific reader, community activist, and woman who can milk your prostate and make you cum like a bitch. studied eastern and western philosophy. cooks numerous world cuisines well and regularly, speaks french some spanish, thai, italian. korean, japanese not fluently but can carry a convo. God praiser. man pleaser and plain ass good woman. And these are just a few things about me that BDSM taught me. I thank god for this journey and i pray others will truly explore themselves in this lifestyle.

Well, I'm happy to announce I've found my One! Known him for the past three years. Right under my nose! I am so happy because I am free with him and accepted. He's sweet, naughty and Dominant. I guess more old school.

I was talking to that potential Dom I wrote about b4 in my blog. He did some mind shit that reminded me of my mother and I decided I don't want someone to make me feel so low. I wanted a Master to make me stronger to push me. Not play games with my slf esteem so he can keep me to the floor. I decided I don't want that. If that's D/s, I don't want that either. Being cruel to someone for the sake of doing it is sick. I was told that I was violent. Which is funny concisering I'm in this lifestyle. But to borrow his own words...I'm violent in moderation!

Bite kick, cane, spank, etc as a form of affection can be considered sick but it is a way for me to deal with my own violent past. But this man that was in my face this whole time knows this side and has this side but he doesn't dwell in this side. With him I feel love and peace and downrigt poetic. With this other Dom I would always be on guard to protect myself from his bs.

Nothing is certain but I don't want to fight or be violent but trust me I have. I come hard. I am ashamed about how cruel I am, that is why I do my best to be gentle and kind. Why waste that a mean asshole!? Give it to a man who can give love, acceptace, and affection back to me!

So to that asshole who said and did the things he did to me last night, I thank you b/c you were the fork in the road. Your hyprocrasy was the last straw. I AM VILOENT. I AM CRUEL. SO are you! your pathetic and faceless. No wonder your as old as you are and alone. Grow up and get some balls. White people are the cause of all the world problems! I don't think so. It's more of the brown on this earth and we're too stupid to do better b/c some don't know how to or even know there is better. You were surprised that this black chick from Philly knew anything and knew things most Americans don't pay attention to but I do b/c I care.

So to answer your question Why are you so viloent?

Because this world is cruel, harsh and heartless and despite that I'm doing my best to be kind, gentle, sweet and be the woman made me to be. Like in Pulp Fiction Samuel L Jackson's epiphany in the diner... I see the wrongs of my past but I know better now and I want to do better. I'm trying hard not to hurt you or inflict pain to you. Even though I have the capacity to do it. But it's hard but I'm tryin' So thank you for that lesson. You crystalized that for me.

I've found through out my life that many take my pleasnat passive nature for granted. I say no quietly so it gets ignored. So then I would after sometime of them annoying or hurting me I would tear their throat out. Now that maybe hard to believe but I've been this way from a child. Molested...I told. Attempted rape I raped him with a broomstick. Almost kidnapped me as a 9 yo kicked a grown ma's ass, etc.

Now you may not believe what I say, then don't but I know the truth. I know who I am. I koow Whose I am and where I want to be, which is in my lover Paolo's arms. Not an asshole who wants to control me so badly that I can't think straight. Where I have to watch every word I say b/c it is being analyzed. Being with him would like living with my mama and I ain't ever going back to that state of mind again! I can breathe now and I like my strength. God gave it to me and I'm proud of it. I don't need a man to make me feel powerfless. I have a whole world to do that. I'm just a little chubby black woman from Philly. (Trust me I know I'm more than that!) And I don't need no drama from nobody. I'll drop by and journal but that's it. I bid you peace love and all that God has to offer you. And to the asshole I'm speaking of, thank you, Daddy. You made me chose what's best for me. And it ain't you or this lifestyle beyond bedroom. I know God was telling me that but I kept holding on for the kink. I am freaky in the sheets! It's been over 1.5 years since I've had me some and I'm going to get me some soon! I've held back for 9 years. To kiss and touch and caress and show emotion and to feel. Ohhh, I can't wait. I used to have orgams that felt like I was kissing the sky with my deceased hubbie. And with this man I am going to take things nice and slow and enjoy him and definitely thrash him! I truly am a switch. Never too much of one or the other but just enough. Moderation he said. I already knew that but I love wholeheartedly and sincerely and this man I tell you about knows that and knows the woman I am and I thank him for that. I work hard to be a person of good charecter despite my short comings. And he sees it. Did I mention he has a 12 pack! I'll take pics of him and I and add them later! Girl's He's fine as hell and Italian. You know black women love ItIIIItalians!

God bless you and I wish you all well. Bye Bye!

Last 2 days have been crappy. The high has been washed away and now the reality has come in. I think I maybe a switch. I think slave Tracie is dead. So we'll see.

Something sweet is happening! Talking to someone and her interests are piqued. Fell into submission quick to her surprise. See how 5 hours and change everything. Had another so called Dom lie about being married. I goggled him and found out the inconsistency. Thenhe called me stupid b/c I "just looked up" and found his background info.

Don't say your a public figure give me a website and not expect me to look any further. Some say that wasn't trust worthy but I say he's a lying cheat that got caught and now all the sudden what he told the media is a lie and I shouldn't have believed what was written about him? Hello, when I asked him if it was true he acted like how dear you. Hello, you said one thing the website said aother...how am i not supposed to question him about his status. Think Doms play too many games and this gurl has had enough. Hopefully the one that approached and we have chatted and connected will not disappoint. So far so good. Gurl has not felt this way towards a Dom in over a year! Pray for me. Wish me luck whatever you want but gurl is hopeful.

He's not like the others. Chemistry from jump. Gurl is at peace with Him which makes her nervous. She doesn't want her heart torn to shreds. At least one made it out the gate. He's kind and DOminant and he gets me. She is enjoying Him but scares her as well. She knows she's a real slave in a world of fake wanna be's and scammers. She prays He's sincere. Oh! He's a Christian too! So gurl is very happy! From upset and sad to happy and hopeful, look what 5 hours can bring you!

Things to do with my husband/Master/sub/partner

Kiss and snuggle to 70's jams like Marvin Gaye, Donny Hathaway, and Stevie Wonder

Vikter Duplaix gets me in trouble. His music is so sensuous. Makes me crazy! Makes me want to do things I know I should wait be careful and wait but ohhhhhh. Why are men so stupid? Why do I have to keep my legs closed for a man to know I'm for real. I've been celibate for over a year now and girl is jonesing but know most can't handle the dark nasty side of me. Constantly having to hold back. Been so long since laid a man down and loved him down. Why do you guys have to break my heart?

What I also learned that I can be in control but I don't want to control a man outside the bedroom. In bedroom all for it as long as he fucks me right. If he can't, it won't work. My thing with a man is handle your business and if you do you'll get slut nasty Tracie. However, I am a Christian but does not make me a prude in bedroom like other hard core Christians. I don't want to live a lie. I want to be happy and be honest. Not be a hypocrit!

Bdsm helped me form a tighter relationsip with God. So I obey is rules. I am celibate. I am waiting for my Master and not just screwing whatever Dom approaches. I've learned to protect myself and my heart. I know my worth b/c I am a child of God so I should carry myself with integrity, honor and dignity. So it has stregthened me even more so so in a sense I am more Dominant however, I know to respect a man of character and dignity and values. Just in bedroom if he likes it and let's me naughty... I'm a happy girl! But I do love to submit and be enjoyed but when I get turned on...all respect goes out the window b/c I know a real man can handle a woman that knows what she wants and knows how to get or take it. {mouth is watering thinking about it!}

I've been celibate for over a year now and not easy but I want to wait for my One...Dom switch sub whatever but I wajnt it to be for real and sincere b/c that's the type of woman I am.

HAd a convo with my mentor MAster, it's been a while and this is what I have learned what it all comes down to for me...

.... To find the man that I trust and be able to submit to and know he respects my choice and understands it's levity

It was fun to be online again. I was surprsied to have so many people happy to see me. A lot of male subs appraoched me. I seek a Dominant male but I can switch that's for sure! I try not to be so negative but I find many male subs selfish. It's all about how I'm going to get them off.

I hate when male subs tell me their are turned on and they have an erection. I find it repulsive. So, I tell them not to tell me that b/c b/c their body is for my enjoyment not theirs. If I could train male subs anything is that a female does not get off on knowing they're turned on. We'd rather have good conversation or good companionship. I find many male subs lack the knowledge of how to strike up chemistry between a man and a woman. Then the get indignant if I pursue intellectual discourse with them. It's sad. Don't they know they offer other things than their bodies.

Well, so much has happened it's ridiculous! Knee replacement failed redid it and it worked. Now having another issue! But I can see the light at the end so i am grateful!

I am very strong I have learned. In life I am Dominant but to a REAl Dominant Christian man I am willing to submit. I am learning, I am capable and aware but I prefer to yield to a strong capable man of integreity and dignity. I find many people don't live that way. People use BDSM to do crap their too scared to ask their wife to do.

While I want to be my husband's cum slut whore. Why should he go elsewhenre when I'd gladly give it to him? Why do Christian women think they have to have bland vanilla sex? The marriage bed can't be defiled so go for it!

I have been celibate for over a year now and it ain't easy and the past year has been focused on bettering me. But I have a feeling in time when I get back out in the mix I will find my one!

I've learned. I live Dominantly however, for my One I yield. I only submit to Him and to whom he instructs me to yield to. I can think and do for myself but it would be nice to live in submission and just be my true self which is happy, naive, childlike and helpful.

Hey guys! Getting knee done now. So far so good. Had a few complications but what challenge doesn't.

Hope all is well. Gurl is tired as heck. But she's stronger than ever. Wish gurl's mentor MAster was there for her but she knows he's having a hard time with his own life. Even more reason for me to wait to be found by gurl's Beloved One.

Gurl's dad has been there for her. She's happy to be in presence of a real man. Gurl realizes all the things she sought in MAster was determined by how her father acts and treats her. He's dependable, strong, and a man of his word. For me that's so important. If a man says he will he does. He is helpful, kind and concerned. He makes sure those he loves is on the right path and doing what it takes to get the job doone. He has many faults but gurl loves him anyways. Love is saying,"' I accept ALL of you. Brown spots and all." That's what gurl wants and needs in return.

Watching Ellen...she's so sexy! Oprah had a good show on female sexuality. Always known women's sexuality is more flexible than people admit. I guess men's can be too. But it still weirds me out to see to big burly men kissing.

Big nasty non-Christian Tracie would love a bi MAster or male sub! That way she has limitless options.

Was watching Jem cartoon on youtube! I loved that cartoon. I even found the singing voice of Jem. Her name is Britta Phillips. She sings with her husband in a band.

She sounds just like Jem or ...well you know what gurl means! LOL It was a flash into a good part of gur's childhood. MAde gurl smile and sway to the music and memories.

Loved it! Fashion, charity, music while in heels! Got to love it!

Watching Oprah. Gurl realizes she's about a 3 or 4 on Kensey scale. Hate to admit many times while having sex with men will think of women. But Have had sex with women while with a man and gurl hated it. Not all pussy does it for her. But gurl have had sex with a woman where gurl was totally attracted to her. But rarely have gurl found a woman where she is totally attracted to and want a relationship. Gurl loves dick too much. LOL Don't even want to eat pussy all the time. Tribadism is great but not all the time and women get on gurl's nerve.

As a Christian, gurl wrestles with her consious about whether if God is okay with her. It hard for me. Gurl doesn't know what to do. She just hopes thinks will work out. But gurl attracted to women but what God thinks matters a lot to me. Sexual immorality is something gurl knows she already walks on a fine line.

When gurl first got into lifestyle she was told she should be owned by a couple b/c she has so much energy and loves attention also b/c she loves the female body. Gurl don't know what to do. God will guide her. Gurl knows she loves the strength and comfort of a man but men do things that irritate me like crazy. But women do too. So gurl thinks it will be the person in the end that she falls in love not their gender. It's just gurl likes solid and consistent and women are not usually that and that's what gurl needs and wants. Also, hard to submit to another woman if gurl does not veiw her as her equal. Barely can do that with a man. So much going through gurl's head. Just want to be happy.

God gives me a forgiving heart , so that's why gurl can submit to a man. But it won't be to just any man. No he won't be perfect but He will be a man of integrity, honor, and dignity. He will be a man who is God fearing and in control of Himself and His life. He loves wholeheartedly and sincerely. He's creative, smart, and passionate. He loves life and He wants a slave that enjoys bringing Him joy and her greatest joy is bringing glory and honor to His name. She is a direct reflection of Him and His excellence. That's rare to find but that is who this gurl is and that's what this gurl needs in a Master. Gurl settled for so long.

Never forget Lady Victoria telling me to stand up for what gurl needs and wants. She taught gurl the only desicion gurl have as a subordinate is who gurl chooses to serve and after that... it's all up to Him. Gurl gets that now. Gurl doesn't have to settle. She knows her worth.

Why are men such pigs? Why do they have this need to have sex with young girls? It's disgusting! Gosh, Truly am a switch! I've had men throughout my life try shit but Gurl aways kicks their ass! Gurl was almost kidnapped at 9 years old and I actually kicked the guy in the balls and punched him in his face and ran off. That was one of numerous attempts of men trying crap but gurl always kicks their ass. Men are pigs.

Why have sex with a underdeveloped child? Disgusting and sick. Just saw a dentist get arrested for soliciting sex from a 14 yo girl! What the hell is wrong with men?

I can see why a woman would want a younger man. He has stamina for days but a man with a little gurl. That's gross! She doesn't have boobs or an ass. If you want it tight take a woman's ass! Why take the innocence of an of a child? Even if it's a woman with a younger boy that's wrong. B/c taking she's taking his innocence. What is wrong with our society that thinks that it's okay to hurt people as long as no one figures it out? It maddens me makes the Domme part of me kick any man's ass! And I'm sure I'd win! I always do!

I'm about to have surgery. And men keep approaching me. I'm not sure if it's a good time for this to happen. I'm about to have knee surgery and I would want some support and men don't get that. So I'm not sure if I want to take on anyone romantically. It's weird. Now I'm getting men who are more my ideal. So that's good but most men are not supportive and I'd be upset if they were selfish and wasn't there for me. So, I think I should just keep it cool. Plus, I'm celibate and most pple in lifestyle can't deal. So much stuff i have to deal with. i wish i had a man who'd be on my side no matter what. However, i know men are visual and i need to make the chick that's on the inside come out to the outside. JUst wish I wasn't alone in this process.

Well, going under the knife again and not the fun kind of knife play. Those who follow my journal know the hell, i went through last year. Well I'm about to go through it again. Hopefully, it won't have the complications the last one did. I am pressing towards being the woman i have dreamed of for so long. BDSM had a large role to play in me learning my worth and fighting for the woman inside my head to match the chick on the outside. Just another step to making that happen. Keep me in your prayers and in your thoughts. God bless you.

Man, how a month changes things. i can be sexually aggressive but i prefer in my relationship to be submissive. Yes, i can do for myself and do it better than others but i prefer to be cherished, cared for, and guided. i am strong but i find that i am Dominant out of fear or to be honest there aren't really many REAL Dominant men out there.

i am not weak. i am strong but i am attracted to a strong caring man. A man who leads and is a man of integrity is my ideal mate. i don't mean just in the bedroom but how God prepared man and woman to be. i don't want the Maury Povitch man controlling wife crap but a man who is the head of his household. In the bedroom he maybe controlling, cruel, and plain evil but in everyday interaction i seek a gentleman. Not an abusive brute.

i have a Master mentor, he's married and i will not sin against God to serve him sexually but i respect his counsel and guide. He gives me hope that there are men out there that get it. However, i am saddened but how many abuse BDSM for a tool for sexual recruitment. My heart has been broken so many times but i now know, i can say, "No." i know my worth and i am worth not getting hurt anymore.

BDSM is such a great tool in learning who you are and what your made of. i learned i have high morals and values. i know now that God has made someone just for me. God has given me so many talents so i can serve and show love to others. i have so much love to share. i look forward to having my One find me and enjoy all that i have to offer.

That is one of my greatest joys...servng and loving others.

Been a while...I moved. i have my own spot but no PC something to work on. LOL

Well, it's offical. I'm Domme. I like the idea of a Dominant man to protect and love and care for me but to be honest most men nowadays are whimps. I am stronger than most and not to toot my own horn but I know more and I am fearless while men nowadays seem to like to take the laidback route. I'm more of a let's research and give it a try. I'm not scared and i'm not going to do anything to kill you or myself or get either one of us thrown in jail.

Also, I find most men have no game. They have no idea how to sweet talk a woman or buy flowers and candy or turn down the lights and put some mood music on. I have to tell them so...that puts me in Domme.

I'm celibate been for a while now. So when i finally give in it will be for my husband or future one at least. I do have slut tendancies, great imagination, and a high sex drive. Not easy to be celibate with a man I love and enjoy. Publically, I am very affectionate and down right sweet with the man I love; behind closed doors...whew! I'm bad. I'm really bad. I have the tendancy to think of men as property or things I own and can have when and where I want and do whatever i want to do to them because i know they'll enjoy it.

My son's father was sub to me. I felt awful how harsh I was to him. I know with the next man, I will be nicer for most part but I have no problem demanding what I want from a man or anyone for the matter.

Lately my fantascies are so Dominant it's disgusting. i realized for years sexually i've been speaking Dominantly in my head but was told that what i said is what I wanted said to me but I realize....No I want to say it to the man. And man do i now! I am so loving a guy sucking my strap! Or making him take it like a bitch and making scream from ectasy.

I guess i've always had penis envy. When I was younger i stood and peed. LOL But now In my head at times I think My strap is bigger than your cock. HAHA! Like Nelson off the Simpsons! I wonder what God has in store for me with this enlightenment?

I am very subservant in life and in bedroom but once I am aroused lil miss nice pants disappears and all manners go out the door and it's on! I finally figured what floats my boat. Now, God has to find me the mate that can deal with me.

I realize how paradoxical I can be. I am very domestic and polite and mannerly but sexually once I'm to that point, I am sexually aggressive as hell! For so long having sex with Dominant men i held back b/c I can be rather disrespectful and down right mean but I do it oh so well! I miss making a guy scream like a bitch and feel like a bitch when it's over but oh so satisfied. I don't have an ex that doesn't still try to talk and stay in good keep with me. I realized that recently and if i wanted to tap it, they'd jump for it as high and as far as they could to get it.

I recently realized that... and it made me realize... I don't have to settle for crap. I need a man who can go toe to toe and sometimes he wins and sometimes I win but we both definitely are satisfied when it's over.

Did i mention in all this I am a celibate Christian. Yeah welcome to my hell. I'm waiting for Him. The man I will be with and serve, love and enjoy. Is that so bad? I was slut sub for years. i've sucked more cock than i wish to think of but I have to say they taught me well and my husband and Master will benefit greatly from it but they also, broke my heart time and time again. i now know to wait. Be patient. If anything is any good, it's worth the wait and I am so worth it.

I need to trust again. i need to learn NOT all men just want ass. They want a soul mate and life partner. They want a woman to love them, to care for them, and respect them. They also want a woman that can roll and be loyal and a woman who knows how to have fun and let's a man be a man. A woman that tries to live life in the moment. I'm rare and i know this now. I am so grateful for ALL the headaches and someof the heartaches that I've experinced through this BDSM journey. I learned my worth, my faults and fralities but also my strengths and values. Now who says BDSM is just about sex? Maybe for 97% of the idiots out there but for the few who try to take the higher road of life and meaning it can be awe-inspiring.

t

I truly am a switch. LOl I go back and forth about being sexually aggressive to a man but I find I don't want control of the house. I can be sexually agressive when aroused but to be in control and running a household beyond cleaning maintianing it. Hell no! I'm a single mom and I hate warding over my osn. i'd rather cook, clean or cater to than discipline and delegate. To me it's tedious. I don't know how men get off on it let alone a woman. I guess because I like domestic stuff and don't like confrontation I don't like being in control. I find people fight for no reason. i say just shut and do it b/c your going to do it anyway so why fight?

My son fights and it annoys the crap out of me. Just do it and get it over i say...why drag it out?

I just wish men would have some finesse. Someone who knew how to seduce a woman. People are so lazy nowadays. I just wish for the old days of soft light. Mood music. Wine or drink offered. A man that makes you feel comfortable.

A man who works for the affections of a woman he cherishes and enjoys.

LOVE ARMED.
by Aphra Behn

Love in fantastic triumph sat,
Whilst bleeding hearts around him flow'd,
For whom fresh pains he did create,
And strange tyrannic power he show'd.
From thy bright eyes he took his fire,
Which round about in sport he hurl'd;
But 'twas from mine he took desire,
Enough t'undo the amorous world.

From me he took his sighs and tears,
From thee his pride and cruelty;
From me his languishments and fears,
And every killing dart from thee:
Thus thou and I the God have arm'd,
And set him up a deity;
But my poor heart alone is harm'd,
Whilst thine the victor is, and free.

I don't care what nobody says, "Micheal Jackson music was the bomb!" You've got to listen to the early stuff! My first album was "Off The Wall." Rarely do you find such a good groove. Good clean Fun!

I wanna rock with you!

Strife! I have plenty of it. I've learned i have a problem listening and respecting authority when I think it's wrong or full of shit. I've learned the justice system is full of BS. But I'm left unscaved. God is good. Just want this to be over.

Please hold me in your prayers. In the next few weeks a lot of changes are going to happen. All for good though. i'm excited and I am glad to finally be around my own bumblebees!

Mornings make me introspective so here's my diatribe or rant for today...People are full of shit!

I read profile after profile and it's all a game to get ass. I'm told when met by numerous people online and in reality that it is rare to meet a real slave. And how scary it is to have ALL that responsibility. They why call yourself a DOM or MASTER? Call yourself what you are a weak man who lacks confidence to deal with a strong women who desires a stronger man.

I only submit to a man who shows himself sincere, humane, and respectable. It saddens me how people put on this charade that they want more than sexual pleasure. It's a lie.

I want a partner to grow and share things with. Someone to push me and encourage me to fly and be true to myself. I know enough now to know to choose a Master who wants me to be what I want to be. So i don't fight. We may disagree as to how i get there but in the end i know he looks out for my good so trust and let him lead, don't doubt. But that only comes with him proving himself trustworthy. That's the part most fail at. No wonder there's such a high turnover rate in our sub culture.

A former Master of mine wife is in labor. I'm so happy for him. I wanted to be their slave but i don't think that will happen.

I was just told i'm out spoken. I didn't know that. I'm told my conversation is different than most. i didn't know. I wonder what makes me different than others? Sometimes I feel like i was born in the wrong time. People can be so full of crap. Why can't people work towards being happy and okay with who they are. It's not easy but when you respect and like who you are then it's easier to live with yourself.

I'm so excited! i found a Bhangra event in Philly next weekend! There's not much that goes on here desi wise from what i saw.

I'm glad I'm not South Asain. They get marriage stuffed down their throats! Talk about stress!

But the music is great and i look forward to shaking my thing all night!

It amazes me that Doms expect a submissive to approach them. Is that normal? I was taught a man approaches a woman HE has interest in. So there is no doubt on her part so she knows he is sincerely interested. But times change but it doesn't make sense to me that a woman would approach a Dominant male, we don't want to bother them especially if he is NOT interested.

I do sometimes approach but it's not easy because I am not sure, I am what he seeks.

I'm so looking forward to the movie, Twlight coming out this Friday! I love vampire novels. It amazes me how many authors are changing the rules of vampires.

Now the wear crosses. Walk in daylight. Drink animal blood instead human blood. Hvae sex lives. Well some of them at least.

As bad as this sounds, I was watching "Tyra" and she had this vamp guy on. I've seen him before on another show. I was so attracted to him it was shameless! But I realized that's what I liked. He was thin very feminine which ties in perfectly with my transexual fetish.

Like I am learning about myself, I am fearless and open. Almost to a fault. But I love dark things. I desire someone that I can share my love of God with but also indulge into my darker tendancies. But with someone I love and trust.

People nowadays just want sex. They don't understand the value of love. I found when I had sex with a man I loved and trusted, the orgasms were intense and frequent. Now, I'm happy if I can throb. I don't want to fake them no more!

I go back and forth as a Christian I am to be with one man but to be honest, I prefer a couple. I was told this when i first got into lifestyle but Who'da thunk it!

Well, this girl has a lot to learn. But I'll enjoy the journey either way!

As you can see it's been a while. I had to fight for what I need and want and I succedded! Yah for me!

It's been an interesting summer. It's been weird watching how Master and mine relationship has progressed over the year. He's getting married soon and the baby is due soon after. I am so happy for him!

I can't help but want these things for myself. I want to have children with my Master and I want to be his wife. I want to be the one who wakes him in the morning with my mouth!

I have men all around me and they all have different purposes but I dream of my one and only. I hope to have in one day.

I dream so vividly now of how i want to submit and serve my Master in every way. I want him to say "Mine." And i know in my heart i am his and his alone forever. That's the part i most want...forever. He can be with others but i want my Master until my last dying breath. i want a man, who does not take advantage and abuse my need to please, serve, and yield but a man that cherishes and relishes his job of protecting, guiding and controlling my life.

I was thinking of the most sweetest collaring ceremony, where my Master sets up candles in a circle. I kneel before him naked, nothing to hide. He stands over me and he asks me if I will fulfill the tasks, duties, and requirements he has written in our contract. And when i agree, he tells me what his responsibilities are and what provisions he provides and offers. We both sign it. Then He places my training or play collar on me. He blows the candles out and we go to the bedroom to comiserate our love. However, when we open the bedroom door rose petals fall over the bed. He makes me kneel next to the bed and he stands in front of me and we go from there.... In the morning, after i wake him with my mouth and we get washed and dressed. He makes me kneel. And he takes off my training collar and places my daily choker collar. It's a toggle necklace with a heart lock and he has the literal key. Only He can take it on and off. He wears the key on a toggle bracelet. I no longer have any choice. The last choice I made was when i choose him and signed my life to him, as my Master.

Now I get to love and serve him unabashedly and he encourages me to use my gifts and abilities to show my love and devotion to and for him.

It's been an interesting summer. I learned how strong I am and I learned more about myself and my relationship with God.

I also learned why it's harder for me to find a REAL Dom, who will become my Master...is because i'm for REAL. I want to to serve, honor, and obey my dominant mate. Not just play the role or just in the bedroom. i really want a man that is in control and we work as a team to fulfill our goals. He leads, i follow. He comes up with the plan and i follow his direction and also re-enforce them to our family. We are a united front. He is the leader.

For me BDSM is not just sexual. It's a way of life. He covers and protects me as i go through this life fulfilling his desires and commands, as well as, serving the Lord our God. He respects and has his own relationship with God. He truly is a man of God. He is a man of authority. That's what i want. A man whose lead i can trust and follow.

Even sexually, i am opening up more. i am becoming okay with my openness and willingness to do whatever my Dominant mate wants. If i'm a slut for doing it then He's a slut for demanding i do it. Once i grasped that idea, it became okay with me about my wanton ways.

Still the ultimate dream is waiting to happen...my Master bends down and whispers in my ear, "Mine." And i know deep down inside, i am his and his completely. There is no other place i rather be than in his grasp and under his control.

It's funny. i was watching the movie Basquiat. This movie has always been a favorite to me. I love his passion, his flaws, his creativity, and his humanity.

I love creative types. Not the most dependable people but a part of me likes caring for them. Being there picking them up, loving, cooking, etc, while they create. To me that's a fair trade. To be around and learn from them. What they gleam from society, this world, this life intrigues me.

In Basquiat, there's a scene with Basquait having an interview with actor Christopher Walken's television interviewer character. Walken's character asked, "Why do you draw your people so crudely?" And Basquait answered, "I don't know very many refined people. I find most people to be crude." I love it! It's the truth!

Sometimes i go through this world and i watch how disconnected and selfish people are and it disturbs me. Everyone has to be first. People's self esteem are as big as gnats because if they truly had some they wouldn't be such jerks!

To me he had this subtle thing. Master has that, too. i often laugh at our unspoken rules. And how we both know what they are but most people who lack social grace wouldn't even figure them out! There's a certain genteelness we have that Basquiat had as well but he still pissed in his "friend's" hallway. i think that was more of a statement than an impolite manner. It was an answer to his "friend" showing him what he doesn't have and rubbing it in his face. Most would lack in knowing that's why he did that.

Art is cerebral yet so physical. It's a physical manifestations of a cerebral process that i find so sexy. A man who thinks and ponders and creates is a dream for me. i love creating. i realize. i paint with words. i paint with food. i paint with the care of my home and son, Christian. The way i care for you is how i think about you in my heart and mind. And people nowadays are so rude. Their actions say so much and it screams, "I don't care! What about ME! ME! ME? Everyone wanting their 15 minutes of fame. Well, we all can't be famous but if you have something to say or share for us to learn and grow, i will gladly look and listen. However, if you just want me to look at you while you stupidly dance like MadTv's Stewart doing his dumb dance that only impresses his mother and no one else, your sadly mistaken.

I just want creativity and art and growth and culture in my life. i want happiness and peace and a strong relationship with God. i want to be okay with what i am doing and know God is on my side. i just want to be a good person.

It's funny. You realize being a slave is more about the love for the Dominant than it is about you. It's my trust of my Dominant that allows me to give myself freely.

A Domme explained it so well...the Egyptians had a slave, they would care, dress, cook, clean, after their owner. The slave was by their side and their closest confidant. That's the way i see myself as a slave. Also in Geisha tradition..the geisha was there to entertain and bring pleasure...not sexual pleasure but pleasure through song, dance, games, and caring for him while in her company. She was not his wife she was his evening companion. That's what i enjoy but for me i'll may get the best of both world's. Daily care and up keep of my Master, his wife, and family1 I would be so happy! I am so sick at how happy that makes me. I'm having to come to terms with somethings but i think it's okay with God. i don't want another. i just want my Master and to serve Ma'am. I can't wait for little Master!

Master must be excited about the baby. I'm having baby pangs. It's weird how the 3 of us are in sync. His fiancee has nightmares about how much i miss him and she demands he makes time for me. So i'm guessing with me in baby heaven, they must be. I hope Master allows me to be the nanny. He is to stay home but it would be nice if i got to care for the child while he works. i am so looking forward to Master's child! i think it's a boy! i keep seeing Master holding a baby decked out in blue. We'll see.

i hope ma'am agrees to let me care for the child while they work. i would be so happy. i really am a slave. i would love to care for all three of them. i would be in bliss. We shall see.

Another Dom approaches and doesn't follow through. I'm not angry, it's just it's disappointing. I wasn't expecting or seeking anything from him but he pursued and then let me down. My Mentor Master doesn't do things like this...thank God!

Well, here's a little secret...i'm bisexual. i try not to give into it b/c it's a sin in Christianity but i realize. i prefer women sexually. i cum so much faster at just the thought of a woman being near me. But with some childhood issues i get nervous about those feelings. But i love women. Soft and warm and sensual. I don't like normal women. Or should i say catty, non intellectual women or women who are self absorbed. They really get on my nerves. That's why i never really pursued women. Most play too many games but when i come across a woman that i find intelligent and funny. i am completely smitten and i have come across one on CM to my surprise. She is smart and she actually knew things about history that described my ideal D/s relationship to a tee! i showed Master her profile. He smiled. i'm finding my bumblebees. Now i need to come to terms with God about this part of me. Master has a woman and i now consider serving her too if He asks. This whole ordeal has made me come to terms with a lot of things and i'm so much stronger for it. Thank God and thank Master for guiding me through it.

Well, God is good. Had a trying day but I got to spend time with Master last night! There is no other company in this world I enjoy more! He listens to me. We talk alot. Or should i say i talk alot. I feel like i should shut up but when i do he starts me up again and leaves it there. I don't want to be a pest. I am weirded out by my utter lack of pride when it comes to hm. I only wish and want his happiness and pleasure. If i can't give it if i can find it for him to give it to him i would. I live to serve and please Him. It hit me through this ordeal that ...i am his slave. He is my first and last thought. I think of him and his words constantly and there is no company that i enjoy more than His. I live to be in His space and presence. Being away from Him is like being without air. I hate that i am so weak for Him. But that is my fate. I fight it but i know i won't ever go and He knows it too.

I seek a mate to marry but marriage is becoming less and less of an issue for me. If I could find a man that understands me like Master I'd go and I'd have Master's blessing but until or if that day comes, I'll stay right where i am. It's a good place.

I don't know what to write. There is so much going on. So many things changing. I'm stronger, better, faster, and maybe a little happier. I just want to keep something to myself. I think my relationship with my Mentor Master is going to change. We shall see.

I am well. Tired but well. God bless and thanks to all who have dropped by and offered a kind word or two.

breathe in...exhale. Taking control is trying but worth it. Chris is worth it. I'm not crazy. I am sane and my mother is a controlling wench. No woman controls me unless i allow it.

Been a wacky wek, I claimed my authority of my son and it feels good. i do know how to run a show. i let my mom run it so i didn't have to fight with her but she goes too far. So I took it back and man it feels good. The house is clean and peaceful. We play and have fun. We talk about God and pray and eat together. Just me and Chris. I'm happy. I have peace of mind.

I'm even trying to figure out how to respect my mom despite her nastiness. I'm learning to love her despite herself. So instead of leaving her crap where she leaves it. I pick it up. I cook and i even talk to her kind of, even though she ignores me. I'm going to do the Lord's will and not my prideful selfish will. I have to apologize to her though for cursing at her. My pride is fighting with that one. Sometimes i feel like people deserve what i give them but she's my mother i should honor her despite her ways. It's hard. Finding that balance but it's not about her. It's about God.

Well, this has been a Topsy turvy week. Turns out on Tuesday i had a clot in my lungs. I was in hospital for a night then i got discharged. Most stay for a week but they said i took such good care of myself already so there's no need for me to stay there and have them do it. LOL

I've been through so much and i'm so proud of myself! I haven't been broken yet! God is a good God!

Well, yesterday since the docs gave the go ahead to go to a concert i took my son to his first! It was The Roots Picnic on Festival Pier. He played in the sprinkler most of the concert. He was happy to play and talk to different people and he even got over the loud music and started enjoying it. He fought me the whole time before we went that he didn't want to go. By the end of the night he was begging to stay until the end. LOL My family gave me the you shouldn't go talk but i pushed ahead and had a great time!

It's weird going to places sick. People get out of your way and give you space. i love it! I was on front row at one point!

The one thing that stood out to me was that i didn't care about men not looking at me. And to be honest, i wasn't interested. Tats and piercings is my thing. i like weird looking men. i like dreads and funky dressed men with style. Men who look like they want to be seen don't interest me much. Over the initial rush, they bore me. i realized i could not ever be with a vanilla man again.

This morning while lying in bed, i let my imagination flow and the man of my dreams was funky and when we had romantic moment he grabbed me by my hair kissed me deeply in public and whispered into my ear, "Mine." Then on our honeymoon night when he took me for the first time since we are both devout Christians (which is so hard to find!), he undressed me, knowing how much i hate my body and he gave sweet assurances. Then after he undresses me i am made to kneel with my head down and hands clasp out in front of me. Totally humble and submitted. He kneels beside me and inspected her and teased me at how wet she was for him and him alone. Then he made me get up and undress him then he made me crawl to bathroom and when i got to the door i could stand to draw the bath. Then he opened the door dressed in a silk robe. He walked over and he tested the temp and i thanked him for his direction. Then he surprised me with Japanese bath oils and rose petals. They were manly but soft. Only the Japanese can do that. He leaned against me as i tested the water and the silk felt so good against my skin and he sensed that i wanted to say something but was too shy to so i told him i wanted to moan but i didn't want to seem like such a slut. Then he said, "I know your one so what does it matter. Your my slut." i blush as usual then he rubs against me again and i feel his hardness and i let the moan out and he laughs at me. Then had me disrobe him. Tats blazing. Help him into the tub and then i kneel beside but he invites me in to join him and i'll leave he rest to your imagination.

That was the honeymoon scenario. I didn't go into the night we became engaged b/c it's pretty raunchy. We were with friends and one friend had turned me down and he got to see slut trace b/c when my Master allows it. i'm pretty wild and that night i was let loose and let's just say that we had on clothes but a girl was still pleased in a room full of people and i was shameless when it came to him.

But the cool part is as sexual and as passionate as i am with this man he is a God fearing man. He prays with me. He guides me spiritually. He doesn't just want me to please and serve him. But he wants to be the man God made for him to be. Loving, kind, stern leader of his wife and family. He is a man of God first. And in our relationship God comes first. We pray together. Even during sex we thank God for bringing us together and that we have someone who understands what the other needs and wants. To me that is sexy! To have a man who feels that God placed me on this earth just for him. i am his helper and mate. i am the mother of his children and the keeper of his home and his companion and dream builder and fulfill-er. That's what i want from my relationship with a Dominant man. A man who uses me for good. We work towards having a great life. Filled with fun, and new experiences, as well as hard work and sacrifice. We work to live, not live to work. i want a joyous household one filled with laughter, peace, and structure.

Only a man can really give that. Most women are not rigid enough for that. We're organic. We're more flexible. While men tend to see the problem and seek the solution. I think that's why God made man and woman. We suite each other's strengths and weakness. We soften the man while he sharpens us.

i think women nowadays are too sharp and men are too soft. i don't want a chauvinist pig but i want a man who is a man and is not apologetic about it. Just as i'm a woman and as strong as i am. i am safe to be soft and subtle with him. i'm allowed to be demure and gentle. Even now i smile at the thought of being in public with my Master one day and me looking at him as some man does something rude and he deals with it. i don't have to. i am allowed to be soft. Whew. What a lovely thought.

My current Master is about to be married soon, so after that he'll only be a mentor. He's more that now than anything but he's always there. He showed me with time anything is possible. It's been over a year i think and our friendship has blossomed in a way i never thought it would but he nurtured it and guided it into what suited his and my needs. He gets my grimy side but he still knows tracie that is so ladylike that i can be like a "church marm." He knows i prefer something more in the middle but a side of me is very lady does lunch and is on museum supporters committee. But also there's rebellious spy for the resistance tracie. All these girls he can handle and likes them. Not all men can deal with them. From the highest high end restaurant to eating Crown Fried Chicken wings.

i'm every woman. lol

I had a great weekend! My mom is out of town so i have the run of the house! It's so peaceful. I cook, clean, and play with my son Christian! It's so good. I can breathe!

We grilled outside and made double burgers. Then we made a music collage for his room. After i had to remove his unasked for art on the walls. So we put it on poster board and it was fun! Before his father died we would do arts and crafts all the time. He even took an art class at the museum. He showed promise. They used his work for their brochures. I feel like myself again.

Then we talked and watched TV and he had company come over and he played in dirt! He's a germaphob but he was having so much fun he didn't care. I was so happy to see him free and happy. Then we watched tv and he even lotion my legs and feet. I am so blessed to have such a sweet boy. i've had so much stress lately it was so nice to have this moment of relief. i've been in sub mode all weekend.

This morning, i cleaned and cooked and had him out to school just in time. i had such a fulfilling day. God is so good. It doesn't take much to make me happy. i love to work and help. i feel so good despite the clot coming back. i'm resting and taking my time. Master is allowing me to go to the Roots concert this weekend! It's Chris' first concert!i'm excited. I'll take a cab to and fro so i won't strain myself.

It's all gravy baby! Also, my friend i met online from Italy is coming to visit me this summer hopefully so i am excited. I like his style. I like a man who is sweet, romantic, and gentle but next thing i know...wham! He let's me know how nasty and naughty he is. He makes me blush. He's okay that i can be shy sexually and i have to be pushed into that direction.

i get so shy in sub mode. i am turned on like crazy but i am so shy about it. i feel like every man can tell i'm in heat. lol Silly but God is a good. He forgives me. lol He made me passionate, sweet, and naughty. i have to use self control but i am learning to enjoy life and don't worry so much but keep my eye on Christ.

God is working with me. He's pushing me to toughen my skin and to be a better listener. Also to communicate more effectively and not just react. I don't want to argue but I want to be heard. I'm tired of letting people taking advantage of my relenting spirit. I give into others b/c i like for others to be comfortable around me. I'm accommodating but some people see that but won't or can't give it back. Some are so selfish and when that happens to me, i get so mad. Why do some people try to take advantage of my sweet spirit? I know i will be found by a Dom who can respect my accommodating ways and not hurt me.

My father is a Dom. He's not a BDSM Dom. He's an asshole sometimes but he taught me that no one is perfect but you can still love them. I love my father. i used to fear him and i still do. But he's a man of his word and he's there when i call. My mom is still mad with him but i've forgiven him, just like i'm learning to forgive her.

As a submissive i don't expect perfection from my Master. i know we both will make mistakes and disappoint each other and i'm okay with that now. i've learned how much love can change things. If God can love me this much, then i can try to follow His lead.

i learned how much i love the Lord. He loves me so much. He's shown me so much favor. i doubt my sincerity at times b/c i'm not the typical Christian. i curse sometimes. i like to dance and have fun! i'm artsy and open minded and culturally aware. Many Christians in my church are common minded while i know about different philosophies, cultures, music, food, and religions. i see how God moves the world. These influences allow me to think outside the box and be open to change. Many are not okay with change especially, in the church.

I just want to shout sing and work with the joy of the Lord in my heart. It makes me giddy, kind, and playful. Some don't know how to deal with a happy chick. Or when i'm very demure and quiet. To them they think i'm annoying or putting on airs but i was raised to be sweet, pleasant, mannerly, and helpful. I am so happy to be able to have these ways and to do them freely. It's like people are so ready to burst my bubble. But i'll have to learn to just have a joyful heart anyway and praise the Lord in all things and know i'll be alright. i can't wait to be found by my Master. He will be awesome. i will be rewarded to my loving kindness and obedience.

Illogical and insensitive people are one of my greatest pet peeves. I live with one of the greatest most biggest perpetrators of this pet peeve.

If i have another Dom tell me because i don't want a Dom yelling and hitting on me just for his amusement i am not submissive. I call it abusive. I had an abusive father who yelled controlled and beat the crap out of us growing up. I don't expect nice words and sweet sentiments all day long from him but a man whose not man enough to express himself with his words is a punk to me and i'll beat his ass myself.

I can see discipline and correction but to back hand slap me for no reason is not my thing. Session one thing but a man who is an asshole is not my thing.

He may have a particular way he wants his shirts ironed or how he likes his food prepared or how he wants the hair on my pussy to look like but to have a man who has no idea what he wants and his mood changes whenever is not a Dominant man to me but a spoiled boy. To me a Dominant man earns my respect and devotion b/c of his hard work and strength of character. He earns it. Is he a godly man? Does he practice and work on his techniques? Does he really enjoy using me or is this a stupid game that just frustrates the both of us?

I see i'm a switch. I have a devious mind but I know the man is the head. He is in control of U/us. I follow His lead. But there are times he let's me have the reigns b/c he needs or asks me to. I am only for His pleasure and to serve Him.

However, I don't want to spend my life with a nagging yelling jerk. He has a command and He expects it done completely and in a timely manner. He trains me and encourages me to serve and please him every way imaginable. He encourages me to shower Him with love and affection to His liking. He sets the goals we pursue and we turn to God for grace, guidance, and strength to fulfill them. He is concerned for O/our physical, mental, and spiritual well being. Yes, I have a tall order but all things are possible with God.

Master is close to that perfection but he's getting married around my birthday in October. A great birthday gift for me. NOT! But His happiness is all that matters to me. If it was legal i'd probably wouldn't look anymore and if his fiancee was cool about it i'd move in and be quite happy serving. But Poly complicates things. I'll have my own Master one day. I have no doubt.

I'm getting tired of "doms" approaching me playing games. If you've read my profile you can tell i'm for real and sincere. I'm not looking for sex b/c i can get that easily. So, if another "dom" approaches me asking me my breast size and what is the nastiest thing i've ever done within 10 minutes of chatting with me, i'm going to puck!

When I speak with male subs, I try to learn about them. If there is no chemistry, I don't want them. If he has no class or chivalry I don't want him. I don't need to ask him his sexual fantasies b/c I'm sure mine will please him and with time if they earn it I'll ask and I may give them what they want, if it is to my liking. I would expect a "dom" to expect the same of me.

If a man doesn't see a woman with class as an asset. Then he's not going to keep her for long, so when a "dom" approaches me like that that let's me know he's just looking for short term fuck toy and that ain't what I want. I want something deep real and forever. What is the point of serving and pleasing someone for a short time? Nothing is guaranteed but you at least have to get along well.

And anyone whose read my profile knows I'm a slut for my Master. I am His and His completely. He can have me however and whenever He wants as long as He's respectful of my hard limits and i don't have many.

But when a "dom" asks me sexual questions and tries to stay there it makes me think he's a pig. I could see after we're relaxed and we know each other but to just say and ask me gross things like my cup size from the jump is disgusting and not very gentleman like.

A Dom has to have self control and self respect. What man talks to a woman like that and thinks it's okay? You'd get a drink thrown in your face. i love to talk about sex but not with someone i hardly know and someone whose respect i want to earn.

Not all men can deal with a slut like me. They can't deal with my openness. So I learned the hard way that i have to let them see me first before they see slut tracie b/c that can blow a man's mind.

So I'm writing it once for all to see. I'm a Christian bisexual female who likes knife, needle, and fire play. I love breath control. I prefer anal sex over vaginal sex. I love to suck my Master's cock for hours and gag on it too. I'm a pain slut. I'm a classically trained french chef with a specialty in Italian cuisine. I also have owned and operated my own cleaning business. I'm very domestic. So I am quite a capable subordinate.

I usually know how to serve you better than you expect to be served. Now, i'm waiting to be found by a man worthy of all my qualifications and devotions. I serve a Master in interim b/c He gets me and few do that but He has a fiancee so i know my time will end soon with Him. So i wish to have a Master that i will serve and marry. But to be honest i'm just here to blog and chat and make friends anything else is bonus.

I think that's my problem most people don't think or do for themselves. I like people who think do try and go. I'm champing at the bit now waiting to get out this house and explore this world again. i'm remembering the chick I used to be. The chick that can make a grown make cry with the twist of my heel in his balls or the chick that can suck a dick so good make a man go to sleep. I don't want a normal hum drum existence. I need art stimulation and a little chaos (in measure doses of course).

I miss saying shit out my mouth that makes the whole room go quiet and then to have others come to me later and say you know i was thinking that. And I think you're a bitch for not saying it. I'm all for appropriate behavior but sometimes you've got to have some balls! I am sweet playful and chatty and can be very quiet at times and people can't understand how i can have all these sides but i'm me and i'm coming to terms that this house and my current existence is not ME. It's a shell. And I've never been the type to like superficial things. I've never dated a man for his looks money whatever. I choose a mate for their person. I want reality. I want the good stuff.

i'm learning, i'm a good person and i love life. Now if only i can find someone who can go on this crazy ride with me. Someone who won't bore me to death and someone i can laugh, talk things over and have nasty low down sex and get my ass beat good and i get to do the diabolical crap floating in my head! Whoa!

You want some insight into me. Listen to The Sundays' song,

Your Not The Only One I Know

where's the harm in voicing a doubt
you'll find me in the lavatory
and where's the harm in talking out loud when I'm on my own
what's so wrong with reading my stars
when I'll be in the lavatory
and what is so wrong with counting the cards when I'm all alone

you're not the only one that I know
and I'm too proud to talk to you anyway
you're not the only one that I know
and I'm far too proud to talk to you any day
so I say I'm in love with the world

and what is so wrong with voicing a doubt when I'm on my own
it's perfectly fine to sleep in a chair
from Monday 'til Saturday
and what is so wrong with talking out loud when I'm all alone

you're not the only one that I know
and I'm too proud to talk to you anyway
you're, you're not the only one that I know
but I'm far too proud to talk to you any day

so they rode out west to the seaside
and they gladly decided to stay
after two hours wandering outside
ooh the sea air drove them away, yeah

you're not the only one that I know
and I'm too proud to talk to you anyway
you're not the only one that I know
and I'm far too proud to talk to you any day
you're not the only one
but I'm far too proud you're (son)
you're young
but I know, I know, I know, I know
I'm far too proud to talk to you any day
but if you do, don't you know
that I don't mind, no, no, no

I love to have a black Master but the Man I serve now is the ONLY black man I have ever come across who can deal with ALL my sides and interests. I think I prefer foreign men.

They're romantic and sweet but then next thing I know they know how to grip a girl up and keep her in her place! I love it. D/s with finesse and arcaneness is what i desire in a man. A man who can go to an art museum or theater or concert hall and know what's going on. But he ain't no punk! He can kick a man's ass and mine as well. He can play a sport even if it's bowling or chess but he has depth. He has interests and talents. He has a strong relationship with God. He has a path he walks and lives by. He also knows how to break a chicks back out! There is no wait! He just takes me. i'm His. He molds, cares, and guides me. He knows i am His for the taking.

I dream of the day after dinner, i'm in a dress cleaning the counter and he kisses my neck, i feel his hardness on my ass and next thing i know i'm being bent over; my dress is pushed up panties pushed aside and he just takes me. And when He's done, He slaps my ass and say, "Good dinner, hun!" And i say, "Thank you for your kind words, Master! Your welcome. I'm so happy you enjoyed it!" Because i am. i am realizing while other women dream of seducing a man. I dream of caring for a man well.

With me trapped in the house I am exposed to the "lovely" world of daytime TV like Maury and Jerry Springer and Judge Mathis even. And I have to say, they make this world look grim. Is this really what's going on in the privacy of our homes? Are people this base?

I was watching a show where a man was shot and his pregnant girlfriend never left his side and nursed him back to health to then have him deny the paternity of her child. I thought even if he wasn't the father he should have been so grateful that she didn't cut and run when the times got rough and that he would raise the child his or not. His own mama was like, "That's your baby! Raise it." She was caring for the child in his place. Needless to say the test results came back after the boy insulted the child, calling her "a bald headed baby" and that her mom is a "ho", that he was the father. What kind of person would stoop so low? He's not unusual either, i'm learning. That's the sad thing. Men say women won't submit but often when we do you guys show your asses.

My son's father b4 my son was born fell sick. I slept at the foot of his bed on a cot at 8.5 months pregnant. I think in the 3weeks he was in hospital i slept in my own bed maybe 7 times. I didn't want to leave his side and he appreciated my diligence and my care. I was scared for my baby growing inside of me b/c his father's illness was genetic. But i loved him so much i wouldn't have ever left his side. And he was the submissive in the relationship. Dom sub doesn't matter either way you care for the spouse or loved one.

And that's what i fear. i'm seeing in many relationships today a lack of respect and sincerity. As long as you do what i like and want, i'll play your game but when you don't i'll disrespect you and treat you like crap. That ain't healthy and that ain't the way God treats us. A husband and wife or Master and slave relationship is a direct reflection of God's relationship with humans. God is the leader and we are to follow and He cares ad guides us. He's the shepherd and we're the sheep.

God made man the head then he needs to take it on fully and stop letting society make him a punk. If you say your a man act like it. Many Dom friends around me are leaving wives and gf's b/c they are not tolerating the crap anymore. They are learning there are good women out there, who can and are willing to submit to a Dominant man but he has to prove it himself. A person knows when they Bsing themselves.

Just b/c you have a y chromosome does not make you a leader or a man. Doing the work and staying committed to it shows it. We all falter so we must forgive but if you want the respect Dom males you have to earn it. Prove it to yourself, not just to the subordinate. If more Dom males would do the internal and physical work to know their assets and liabilities then they can be confident and lead. A Dominant male must know HIS worth if He wants a sub to see it and know it. He has to plan how to show them that He has it. Arrogance is not confidence, it's a lie. It's a feeling; it's not action; it's not effort and I think that's why so many fail in D/s b/c they don't bring anything of real worth to the table besides; I can boss you around and fuck you good. A man is more than what's between his legs. He mind and character are his best assets. It's what saves U/us when trials come. He thinks, he ponders, and he guides U/us through it. He learns his subs frailties and assets and learns to put them to good use. He pushes her to work towards bettering herself b/c it makes her feel good and b/c she's more of an asset to him. What woman is not happy to bring pride and joy to the man or woman she loves? She knows she's more than just a fuck toy. She's his partner and companion. People we have to learn to have positive relationships. If we just settle for the sex how can you get the good long term affects. Is it just going to fall from the sky? No we all have to make efforts and choices to have happiness and a better future.

I tell a man quick, I love sex, the nastier raunchier the better sometimes but a man who can deal with my head is more of use to me than his dick. I can't spend most of my life in the bed. I have a home and Master to care for. Even if I had a staff I still have to delegate and mange them. D/s is more than fantasy and bedroom play for many and if it is more than that for you, i hope you think about the work your taking on by taking on this path. The two of you determine how much it plays in your relationship but it has to be communicated even subtly (in my own experience) so your relationship is successful and fruitful. I just want to be happy, kind and at peace with who and what I am and in order for that to happen i have to be okay with what i do and how i treat others otherwise i feel desolate and ashamed and i want to live shamelessly and free.

Today the rain inspires me. I've been in thought a lot lately. I woke up thinking about art today.

I was wondering why I don't follow the local modern art scene. While watching TV i often see modern art and photography that interest me yet i don't pursue the local art scene. I tend to like museums. I like modern art like Picasso, Monet, and Mondrian. But as you can tell those are 20th century artists. I like Andy Warhol for the concept of commercial art having artistic worth but I feel it also kind of cheapen art in a way. Now it seems some pursue the fame of the art instead of the pursuit of the journey and experience. The need to express or convey an idea that they wish to share.

But then i started thinking about how in some scenes, the art as a form of expression is worthless. Just because you want to express a thought feeling or philosophy does not give it any worth. Somethings are simple and can be easily expressed with words. I was looking at some underground German art and some had so little intrinsic value to it. In Germany, it is widely held that art does not have to be beautiful to have value or command interest. One example was heaps of trash but the artist said the art had nothing to do with concepts that traditionally have to do with a heap of trash, like the over commercialism of the world community. Or how we could recycle. It was just a heap of trash and that was supposed to have value. I know another man's trash is another man's treasure but toilets seats and used tampons and whatever else was in the pile is not art.

I'm all for free speech and free expression but the idea of art motivating and inspiring and being thought provoking is becoming a dying concept in some forms of modern art. Art frees me and many others. They inspire and motivate me to see the beauty of life. I'm scared that Michelangelo, Botticelli and Davinci are turning in their graves from the lack of respect many new artists seem to have for the power and freedom they inherited. In this modern age, we have so much freedom that past artists did not have but nowadays, many don't take care of it. But then artists who do modern art that provoke thought are constantly attacked for doing that. Does that make any sense?

Well if they'll make Socrates kill himself for corrupting the youth and Jesus Christ who was an innocent sinless man can be slain then it's no surprise that so many are taking the easy route. I'm not saying most are not trying to push us to another level of thought and existence but i feel some are taking the less beaten path to get fame, not for mental or emotional advancement. Art for art sake, as one may say. That scares me.

Art, culture, and intellectual discourse... why is that so hard to find in Dominant males?

I'm better but tired at times but i am a slave that's for sure but it's nice to sit on my butt sometimes and watch others do. I learned my son is good at things. He's lazy but he knows how to do them b/c he's watched me. I'm so proud! It makes it all worth it.

Well this who thing has been a roller coaster ride. I've been in and out of the hospital 3 times in a month. I have family strife but I am still faithful and happy to be a child of the Lord.

I'm learning that God made me unique and my view and life is not for all. It is my own and I can't expect people to understand and embrace what they don't understand. I am learning how beautiful I am. we all are. Because we are human. We're not angels who live and love b/c it is our nature or demons who were arrogant enough to believe they can do better than God. We're somewhere between. Yes we can be arrogant and selfish but we have this capacity to love and help and do despite our frailty and that ability only comes from God.

I love the movie Constantine. Unlike him i have faith but i have his vigor to do the work and fulfill the will of God. I want to do what is right because I love God and his children so much i want all to be well and happy and content. i think that's why submission is easier for me to grasp now. I had to be okay with me wanting to do good and be kind to others. People nowadays look at me strange for how helpful and kind i am to them. They don't always know how to accept it. But for most part people are receptive to receive my kindness. I am so happy to do things for others. It gives me joy. But i am learning to make even more time for myself.

Master won't let me do a thing for him and it makes me crazy. Now that i am truly embracing slave tracie i am always thinking how to serve him but I have to rest and care for me if I want to care for Him. LOL I worry for Him though. He has so much on His plate and i hate not being there. I tell Him if I was better i would take the ass whopping and make sure when he can home his dinner and clothes was in order for Him and His fiancee. She's expecting! I'm so happy for Master! I can't wait to care for all of them!

When i first got into this lifestyle someone told me i'd be a couple's slave i was like no. I considered it but then i still hoped for hubbie Master and God has let me know I will have that eventually but I am happy to serve. I live to serve and please.

Well, I'm tired and i'm not making much sense. So God bless! slave tracie

There are somethings I am learning about myself. i am a lot more well rounded than i knew. i thought others knew the things i know but they don't. i learned these things to be a great slave, mother, wife, and friend. i learned so much so that when i was found i will be an asset. However, i also learned that i deserve someone who does some work on themselves as well.

When i got into this lifestyle i got into it b/c i knew i was a work in progress and i needed the support b/c as i work towards to becoming the best i can be i know it will be hard at times. This past experience showed me how something can be high and then drop down low but as long as i have faith and know all is well. All will be well. My God is a good God.

i'm a little nervous for Master. i can see Him fraying but He told me to concentrate on my own recovery but during his hospital visit. i saw Him and i could see He needs to be better cared for. i want to take such good care of Him all i can think of is His diet, and His mental rest. Master basically has a household but He keeps us all afar. With time i hope to become closer. i figure the happier i am with me the happier He will be. i want the body and confidence that is a turn on for Him. So that isn't the problem it's just right now. He has so much happening and He's going through it and i can't do a thing. This is how i know i am a slave.

Master came to hospital. My chair was high so i instantly thought He should have this one and i'll sit on the lower and allowable bed. all i can think of is His good Not mine. And He knows that so He keeps me in check. Last week b4 re-enter hospital i was about to come to home to cook, clean, and whatever else i could while He was at work. So when He came home He was already cared for. i don't like for my Master to go without. It kills me. Once i embraced my slave mentally. Life got so much easier for me!

It was funny. i was talking about a picnic with Master. I said white wine with lunch. He reminded me no open container laws. i was like we buy the individual serving wines and then use wine tumblers. He was quiet. i have so many things stored in here it's ridiculous. i can't wait to use it!

Ugggh! Pics of ugly submissive males in drag is such a turn off!

I'm home! My mom is driving me nuts but all is well. My son is so sweet and i adore him. i missed him so much. i call him, "the Little Emperor".

You see in China with the one child rule. There're many families with spoiled only child sons. They have more than most and many are seen as unappreciative. So they are called, "Emperors." He carries on the family name and line, so he is of importance to many families. Just like in mine. He is the only male. The only son, and the Only grandchild. So he's spoiled, well cared for and lazy at times but he is also, compassionate, loving, smart, and captivating. So it balances but we have to work towards making him think beyond his own needs and wants. So i have my hands full.

But i am already fighting how to balance my need to relax and his need of my time, affection, and attention. Luckily he has friends to play with.

This experience showed me that i really am submissive. i am a servant. That is the most awe-inspiring things i've learned through this whole thing. i love to serve and give to others often to my own detriment. However, i realized it's not because i feel unworthy but because i feel i have so much that fulfilling another's wants and needs feels good to me. To think beyond myself and think of the good of others is not a bad thing.

For many nowadays it is but it is not. Christ Jesus lived that way and so i take His example as my lead. Finding the balance of still fulfilling my own needs and wants is the trick but i find it is as simple as a warm lingering bath or a walk on a sunny day or a mid-day nap or a quiet moment in thought or even maybe a few minutes with a cup of tea with some jazz or classical on. It ranges and changes. It can be as wonderful as a day at church or a night out with friends or a great concert with great seats! These are the things the make me happy and make it possible for me to give so much. Moreover, because i've learned to do these things i love and need; i have been fortunate enough to learn and need to give and serve others with the intention of giving them the joy i have. i am so lucky! i can smell the roses and have wonderful fantasies. i can think independently and creatively (maybe a little rebellious). i am so blessed!

For so long the person i wanted to be i didn't think i was good enough to be. i thought i had to be a size 6 to fulfill people's expectations of the woman i am. i am sexy as heck, intelligent, funny, crazy, creative, strong, outgoing, trendsetting, avaunt guard, thought-provoking chick! i am the chick that frequents art galleries; goes to funky interesting restaurants; travels the world; reads hardly known art, political, and fashion magazines. In this world, i felt like if i didn't fit the mode so then i can't have the life but it's not a role. It's who and what i am and it doesn't matter what size i am or what i look like. What matters is my understanding of myself and whether others get it or not is not my problem. i just do me.

And part of my conundrum was that i was this very forward thinking girl with strong religious beliefs. i go to church and love the Lord and have a deep strong relationship with Him and love His world! For so long, i didn't know these two worlds could coexist but they can. Now, some people's understanding of God's love and allowing of slacking off on commandments goes a little too far for me. i've learned God is more forgiving than we know but i still think i should do my best to obey His commands. He gave them to protect me, not hurt me.

That's one of the things i wrestle with. Knowing how loving and forgiving God is but not abusing that knowledge that He is not sitting there mad at every wrong thing i do. He's more sad and disappointed than anything, but do i want to disappoint Him? No. i want to serve and please my Master in all things i do but i know i will fall short but i still must try but i also can't let opportunities to pass me by at times. Namely, one with an Italian coming to visit me this summer with a 12 pack! Whew! God is a good God!

     Well, this expereince has taught me a few things. #1 i deserve more than a part time Master. #2 i don't need a Master, i want one. #3 I am very sexually Dominant and I think I will end up with a male sub on side, if my Master is not a switch. I want someone there for ME and on MY terms sometimes. #4 When i am finally blessed by God to have a mate for life, I will love, honor, cherish, and OBEY him. #5 i have to stop whinning! LOL
    This expereince has been a true blessing with all of it's ups and downs. And I know that I know that I know that I am a child of God and I am loved, so dearly loved and His love is all the love I need and can get me through anything. More love than any man can give me.
      For so long i have saught out a real commited honest nurturing love with a man but i have finally come to realize i can only get that kind of love from God, not man. Man just an't built that way i think. i know i work at it to be this way and not all willing to do the work to be this loving and understanding. i hope to have that in a mate one day but God is more than enough for now.

Going under the knife and not the fun stuff. So say a few prayers for me!

Your sister in Christ and BDSM,
slave tracie

There is some Ugly b*tch^s out there calling themselves Dommes. Whoa! I know my body ain't perfect but man some of these chicks need a reality check! All the attitude and bravado is ridiculous! I know Dominance is not about looks but it is about presenting yourself the best you can. And many look like they just rolled out of bed and took their pic. Or they have on slutty attire. Are we ladies or sluts? I thought the subs were the sluts?!

Brownsugar series on youtube is a must see. i cum so fast with it! Something about 2 pretty balck women kissing makes me go nuts! I don't like ugly chicks kissing though. A major turn off!

It's funny to me that i am called inpatient. When i got into this lifestyle, i was told to relax and just have fun, not to be so serious. Well, i did that and tolerated a lot of crap that i shouldn't have put up with all in the name of having fun and learning. i am grateful for all the ups and downs b/c it taught me to truly appreciate a solid strong BDSM relationship because there is a lot losers user asshole wannabe's out there wasting their's and other's time. While i want the good stuff, like wake my Master with my sucking mouth, dress and prepare him for his day, as well as our children. While i obediently stay home and work towards fulfilling my Masters desire to offer his family and me his slave--a loving, safe, orderly, fun, Christ centered, and nutruring home. He comes home to a family that loves and respects him for all the work and sacrifice he does. i would like to have my own businessor slaves, as well but my Master's family comes FIRST.
     The only way for me to have that is to seek a man, who has morals and values b/c to be honest i can be off the chain when i want to be. Fearlessness, creativity and high energy can get a girl in trouble at times. i don't have all the rules most people have. i feel like it all works out in the end, so i have had to learn a lot of hard learned lessons that i should have just heeded the warnings in the first place. But sometimes i just want to have fun or too busy having fun to notice that i'm about to go over the waterfall. So because i know how bad i can be i spend a lot of time looking at the waterfall trying not to go over while i'd rather just play and die young, which is not the best idea to have a long life, which you need to have with an already one parent deceased child, so out of selflessness i give up a lot. Travelling, careers, and dreams deffered. But he's worth it. I call him my "Little Emperor!"
    What it all boils down to is i just wish someone can see beyond my overtalkative simple dingbat nervous ways and know that i just want something real lasting.  So cut the BS and get to it. People hedge to me out of fear of either misinterpretation or lack of self esteem. i know about caution but for me i've been a widow for 7 years in Sept of this year and i know what a good relationship is now and that is what i want so much. i just don't want to play games and waste time or hurt anyone. There is so much in this world i love and want to share and i don't want to be going through this forever. i've kissed plenty of frogs but now i'm waiting for my KING to claim me and make me HIS.

     I was just looking over Master's profile. It mentions polyamory. It's funny. If the Bible was more clear on it, i could embrace it but to be honest Master is the only man i have ever really considered it seriously for. i jokingly tell Master, You can live upstairs with your wife and family, while i live downstairs with my son and You can come and go as You please but He never says, "Yes or no."
     But i know another poly Dom who is pursuing me but i can't see it. He has 2 other wives and i just can't see me in the mix. Apart of me knows if i met him i would give into him but the idea of having to share my Master with two other women for NOW, is too daunting of a task for me to deal with. Plus, his wives are not full time and i couldn't imagine living with him fulltime and have 2 other women to come in, with higher rank over me to boss me around and push me aside. That would piss me off. He says that won't happen but i know women and women can be petty, jealous, and envious at times. i think of Master's happiness to deal with him going home to another woman, she makes him happy and that is all that matters to me. But i know i'm not the norm though. Not many women can be this selfless.
    When i first got into the lifestyle i was told i was meant to be a couple's slave but it's against God's commandments so i can't do that but i could see how i could be happy in such a situation.
     i think poly is about allowing the person to seek or receive something that i may not be able to give them. Or they're strongly attracted to someone else. If a parent's love can multiple with each child, why can't that apply to life partners?
     If the Bible was more clear upon the answer of this being right or wrong, i think i could embrace polyamory more easily. However, i would want a Master that who controlled and made sure things were fair and comfortable.
     But as a widow i would want to make sure legal issues were dealt with. People don't like to think of these things but these are a natural part of life. Also, i've heard of horror stories of Doms adding subordinates to households w/o observing the prescribed upon interview process and how some subs come bringing havoc, drama, and turmoil. If i wanted that i'd have a vanilla relationship. i like BDSM b/c roles and responsibilities are clearly defined. Some subs call it being bratty, i call it disturbing the peace. And that is what i seek in my life...peace.
       The idea of sharing household chores and having constant companionship, as well as, raising my son with a big loving family is nice but there are some serious cons. Like not be accepted by mainstream society. Sharing my Master's time with others. And having to deal with other people's baggage and issues (just like they've got deal with mine). However, if my current Master took me down this path i would gladly go dwn it but ONLY b/c of HIM not b/c it's something i sought out.  Master crafted it so i could embrace the situation. He controlled what i knew, heard, and saw. He truly was in control, which is why i was attracted HIM in the first place. Do i think it could happen again, i don't know but if it happens it will have to be done gingerly, so i can embrace the Master, so i can embrace His world and life.

     Master is good at balancing me. i got to Dom someone yesterday but today he put me right back my place! LOL Every moment i have with Him i enjoy. He's the only man that made me feel safe with showing him all my sides. He cheers me on when i kick a person's ass, as well as, like it when i clean for him and prepare his meal w/o him telling to or how.
      I am so going to hate when this ends. But i will enjoy it while i still have it. He has opened me up so much and showed me it was okay for me to be me. Furthermore, that i am a pretty foxy chick.    He showed me that my style, grace, and skills are assets to be appreciated. That even though i'm not a size 0, i'm still sexy and beautiful. He sees my beauty, even with my rolls!
      For a long time i felt like i couldn't compete with ditsy, manipulative, tiny, sex crazed subs. Master explained the reason why men don't always approach me is b/c of my beauty and personality which can be intimidating at times. He explained that most men are scared of a woman with high expectations and they can read it just by the way i carry myself and speak. He says they are not used to a REAL lady, who can be as diverse as i can. i thought he was blowing smoke up my butt until a male companion of mine said it took him 6 months to say hello to me b/c he thought i would shoot him down. Growing up other boys would say this too but i thought it was a lie but apparently it's true.
      Master, hand choose me to be his alpha. He has other women that serve Him and i've known one or two personally but even they don't quite get or understand Master such as i do. They are beautiful interesting women and i couldn't see why he would even want me. However, with time he has shown me why he chose me and to him i am very grateful for that.
     Master gave me life. He's made me feel and live again. He's motivated me to embrace who i really am and taught me it's okay that i want to submit to a Master. Furthermore, it's good that i want my husband to be my Lord and Master. That that makes me special and unique b/c i submit from the heart and not just to obey rules. Just as God wants for us to do towards Him. God doesn't want a bunch of Pharaisees. That is people who follow the laws but have bitterness in their heart. i work towards pulling down walls and boundaries, so i can serve wholeheartedly. i just pray God has a man who can respect, love, and care for me, with me being this way. Sometimes i feel like i was born in the wrong time but i think God put me here to show others it's okay to be open, kind, hardworking, and selfless. If more people worked towards these traits, the world would be a better place.
     However itstill weirds me out how innocent and naive i am towards Master and i'm learning to accept that i am this way towards him and it's okay and safe. It took me a long time to get into this place. Master has done a lot of work with me. He allows me to be me. He doesn't try to mold me as much as letting me be me. i realize i'm kind of kick ass and fearless in ways many are not and Master respects me for being this way. It makes me happy to know that someone who knows me so deeply, appreciates and likes who i really am. That is all i have ever wanted in a relationship.
       Sometimes, i wish i was the one Master came home to but when i think about the gift he's given me... i feel i've got more than enough.
    It will be hard to find a man who can step into Master's shoes. He's quite an impressive man. Yet, he thinks he's just a good guy. i think he's a magnificent man.
     That's the thing about BDSM, if you truly go on this journey and are blessed to bond and become vulnerable to someone, you get to see how everyday people are heroes and geniuses. BDSM to me makes the ordinary extraordinary. It reveals the beauty of a human being. In ways that people often take for granted, ie... a man who works hard to provide for his family. Or a woman that makes 60 cupcakes for a bake sale she found out about today and are due tomorrow. Or a woman that opens a dungeon on her own. Or a man that stays home to raise their children. People making sacrifices that others may scoff at but for the good of the home they give it. To me these everyday occurrences are a show of honor, dignity, and integrity that people nowadays take for granted but i don't.

Oh the joy of Domination! It's been a while but...I'm good at this! Very good at this! He's been in the life for a number of years and I did things he's never had done b4.

That's the thing when you have a subordinate in your presence, USE them fully. Let them up for air but be sure to hold them down, tie them tight and let them kiss their control goodbye!

I'm a widow and I dominated my son's father. I was 19 years old and I had him in the palm of my hand. Man, I do love that feeling but I felt guilty that I did that to him however, he didn't like me being sweet, nice, and submissive. He would get annoyed and purposely piss me off.

Me, a black girl from Philly with her ex-thug baby daddy. No one would guess that behind closed doors I grinded his ass, put him in makeup, and humiliated him like a bitch. I had to come to terms that some men just like it like that.

As a girl growing I got the crap beat out of me by my parents, attempted raped and every other crime a man could think of but no one got away with it. Even my father stopped when he saw I would kill him. But I still had a tremendous respect for men, so I felt awful that I treated him like this I even though he spurred it on. When he dying, I wouldn't tell him I loved him. I was looking to the next. I thought he would make it through this like everything else he's ever been through but he didn't. So it hit hard.

I don't like my cruel side b/c it's lethal and harsh like few. I get a joy and a kick with each torment. It saddens when I go into this dark place but I take much pride in my ability to do it well.

Men have always tried to break me but I ALWAYS win. They don't knock me out. Down maybe but not ever out b/c my God is an awesome God. Because of his love and strength, I am strong and capable of handling myself but man I feel awful sometimes when I am cruel, even when it's warranted and wanted.

Right now, my head is flying high like a spinning kite. Using a man like no one has ever done b4 is always a joy. People have to be pushed, stretched, and fully used to grow and to be what I want them to be.

So training him in service and manners is fun for me. All the things i do for my Master, I want this boi to do for me. I make him eat his own cum like i have to swallow my Master's. When he kneels, I make him balance on his knees with his body outstretched like i had to a many time with heels on my feet. So when he goes home to that chick of his, he thinks about her feelings b4 he does things to her, or make her do things to him that he may not want to do for me! He tastes, feels, and sense what she feels under him. I give this gift to all women!

It's funny more and more Christians approach me about my journal. I am glad to see my words are not made in vain and that others can relate to my joy, frustrations, and conundrums.

Furthermore, i would like to say, as you grow in Christ you learn that sin is not a big deal. People who don't know God see sin as failure. Sin is a mistake. When your child screws up and does something wrong. You punish them so they learn not to do it again and it may take a few times for them to get it but with time and consistency they learn not to do what is harmful to them. That's why we make the rules. Not to hinder them but to protect them. If more people would look at God's commands as just that, this world would be a better place. All people see is...i can't do that...i can't have that. But the reason why he doesn't want you to have these things is to protect you.

So when i do fall short and sin. i feel like crap and i do my best not to do that again. God is not this ogre with a book writing every wrong thing i do down. He has better things to do like, give life. Make volcanoes erupt. Hear people praise his name and worship him. However, when you do things that are harmful to you or to others of course he's going to step in. i think over the next few weeks i'll go over 'lifestyle" issues and even vanilla people do them too. Like fornication and adultery or bestiality. There's a reason why you shouldn't do them. Not just because someone says they are wrong but b/c there have negative side effects from them.

I can do bestiality right now...syphilis. It came from men having sex with their flock. Then passing it to their wives. Hello! You hurt your wife dummy! Not to mention what the poor lamb had to go through. LOL And from what i've heard dogs, chickens, donkeys, horses, you name it some poor animal is getting something done to them. It might be a thought but don't mean you've got to go through with it! Gross!

Great tools into learning how to live and prosper submissively are Pearl S. Buck books and books about Chinese Empresses. They were women of immense power. However, they use it with tact.

Soft wood is used to carve statues of Buddhas and goddesses and hard wood is used to make coffin boards.

Chinese proverb

i'd much rather be a work of art, that is treasured, pondered, and wanted than an undesired but necessary object.

Many characterize Dominance as something displayed by being loud, cruel, blusterous, and arrogant. For me, Dominance is an subtle art form. Those adjective i listed formerly are external signs but when a Dominant truly has my attention, he is usually more subtle in his actions and words.

He's cunning, aware of both of our mental, physical, and emotional being. He doesn't scream and yell when, he can whisper in my ear softly, demanding my undivided attention. Where He knows me, so well that he knows my next move or thought and counter it. Showing He really is in control.

Many i don't think want anyone to have or give that kind of real control. It takes a lot of trust in one self to give or take control of someone. Many Doms say that is one of the biggest challenges they face. Getting a subordinate to truly submit and allow them to control but what so many don't understand is that they have to do the head work in order for the spell to be caste and work. Furthermore, they have to embrace and be okay with their inner ogre as a Dom friend of mine calls it. i find the best way to do that is when imy mmotivations and intentions are good and sincere, i've done no wrong and seek no harm to another that they don't want to acquire or feel.

Just snapping your fingers and he or she dropping to their knees is not you in control. It's them falling to their knees in order for the Dominant to fulfill their needs, furthermore, for the subordinate to manipulate you into giving them the time, attention, or whatever they seek out of the Dominant. Not because they want and respect you but because they want to play the game. And that's okay if you want to just play games but if you want to own and possess a person...you have to get into their head. In order to do that listen, talk, and ask questions; see how they really think , where their heads at; and what you think about what they are thinking about. You may not like it, so don't settle.

You can mold a person but if your trying to mold them into something they truly don't see the need to become, it will be a losing battle for both sides b/c neither one is getting what they need or want. Then it becomes about ego and not a symbiotic relationship. Two people having a relationship that is beneficial to both parties.

i learn more about Dominnce by dealing with failing Doms than i do reading books on the topic. LOL

Master said he should write a book called, Bringing Out the Inner Freak. i always thought i was a free spirit but Master showed me how suppressed i was. However, due to life circumstances i had to suppressed. Now i know how to be myself and live in this hostile controlling environment.

Enjoying being controlled is normal for me but having someone to whom i don't trust exerting control over me is frustrating. God is showing me how to free myself from her binds and i am happier now. Thank God i have a brain and some money!

i have to pay the cost to be the boss! But i am free! Free indeed!

Think i've developed a new fetish. Black lesbian kissing porn! There's something sexy about two women kissing. All i kept thinking was i wish i had a dick in me while i was kissing her. i love women, they are so soft, beautiful, and sexy. i don't really like porn especially with ugly or ghetto looking women. i've been told i do have good taste in women. i look at them the way a dude does. And i realized...heels do make EVERYTHING better!

There was this beautiful black girl in a lovely bra and panty set and she must have taken her shoes off and let the stocking pool at her ankles. It lost the sexy effect. She had this slamming body and all i kept thinking was... where are the heels? She bent over to grind against the other girl and i kept looking at her lines and saying, "What a disappointment!"

When my knee is fixed, the heels are so coming back out the closet.

Men laugh at me b/c as religious as i am... i love women. i'm bisexual but i don't seek it but if my Master let me have it...i'm a happy girl! Many say i'm meant to be a slave to a couple. If it wasn't against God's will, trust me i would. There is something about being between a man and a woman that makes me crazy. i'll never forget the first time i played at a party. i had 3 Doms and 1 Domme playing with me and the thing that was the most sexiest part was the smallness of the the woman's hands and the excitement of her slicing my stockings off! i have loved knife play seen that moment!

i balk at women but to me a confident Dominant woman is so damn sexy. i think sexier than a man for me b/c she's forbidden. i am more excited. It's like a treat! i love cock and a man's control and command but a woman's control for me is more intrinsic. It's more sensual. i relate to it on a deeper level. That's why often i don't find sex with random women good. i have my tastes and likes. Not just looks but i think i like a lady a woman like myself. She's not acting like a bitch, she's just in control confident and in charge and has no qualms about it. Just like i like it from a man but when a woman has it it's even more pleasing b/c i know the journey she took to gain this skill and prowess, which makes receiving it even more delightful.

Yesterday was an hard day. I often have to deal with things and can't let emotions get involved. Master got them in check but a online Dom friend unhinged them. That's the thing i hate. As a sub, i have to learn not to emote too much but when i tell people i don't want to talk about it they push and push then i give in tell them what's wrong they see they can't do anything about it. And i wish they'd just back off. If i say no i mean it. All my life people bug me for information that they can't do anything with and then they get scared b/c they are scared i'll look to them to solve it or something but i already know the only person who can solve it is me with God's help and blessing. So then my emotions are all over the place and the person feels like crap b/c i told them this is what is going to happen and it shows me that they are not Master material anyway (which i already knew) that's why i keep them at a distance.

Why do people have to be so pushy?

It's funny. I hate to say often people both men and women abuse polygamy. I have a Master in real time. He has a fiancee. I even help with the wedding. So I really don't have a problem with it but often...

I find emotions and egos are not the same as in the past. It takes some really mature confident people to be in poly. And needs to be some rules in adding mates into the household. There should kind of be a democratic process and the person has to truly be tested and their intentions have to be brought up to the surface. However, in my case, I am attracted to the Dom, not the circumstance. Which, some are. They seek it out.

To each their own!
If 6 was 9!

This week has been truly eye opening. Family tries to tell me i'm phony and that my sincere emotions are faked but what i realized is that's what they do...NOT me! They think and do cruel things and hide behind, "You made me do it."

This girl has learned she truly is sweet, kind, obedient, intelligent, G-d fearing, competent, funny, and kick butt. Being a lady is not a role but what i am. i am a queen but my Master's slave. i truly love to serve, please, support, and be a blessing to my Master. It's not an act...it is who i am and i'm no longer ashamed that i am yielding loving and kind. i should be proud that i haven't let this world make me into a too much bitter (no one is perfect), mean spirited, cruel, nasty person. i like being friendly, kind and helpful. i like it when my Master grabs my hair and takes me the way he wants. i like pleasing him and serving him because it pleases me to be on my knees for him.

i won't no longer feel bad because past Doms rejected me because they wanted an easy lay and a girl, who role played submission. i am submissive that's not a role. In fact, now i think i can role play b/c i don't have anything to prove, i know who and what i am and i'm proud of it.

Thank G-d for the trials and tribulations; they often give me the most knowledge. i just wish i'd learn faster and better from the good stuff! LOL But a girl does love a spanking!

sex and nuts are easy to cum by but a chick who will live her life to always suit your tastes and needs is hard to find.

I am finding how rare i am. I am a black submissive woman. I am a real slave. I have morals and values that i live by. I am kind, helpful, friendly, sweet, intelligent, hard working, and humble. I want to be an obedient, open minded, devoted woman of God, slave, wife, mother, and citizen. And I really try to live up to my own expectations and those of God.

Growing up I thought there were plenty of people in this world like me. Supposedly especially in this lifestyle. But in fact, i was teased and called the "Castle Realm" sucker. But many just want sex or pain or some attention. While I wish to serve, please, have some intense real intimacy, And some GREAT sex! For so long i looked down on myself for having values but now people are telling how refreshing it is to meet someone like me. They see my worth as well.

When i first got in this lifestyle, I worked so hard to fit in, look the part, say the right things but it wasn't me. I knew the type of Master I wanted to serve and I knew he'd have to be a Man, not a whore or a whore monger. I wanted to give the gift of acceptance and freedom. For him to know with me he can be honest and upfront. He didn't have to hide is real needs and wants also who he really was. I want to love and know his good, bad, and ugly because that's what i want and need so badly.

I encourage others to not settle for society's lie about what makes you happy but to find your own truth. Find the person in you that you can live with. The one you can be proud of and not be ashamed by your deeds and actions. So you can be freed. I did that and i am so much happier. Yes, i am sweet kind and all those things but i am also a creative slut for my One. Moreover, I'll serve Him for the rest of my life and until my dying breath. Isn't that what we all want? I know I do.

Another reason why subordinates have to be careful as to who they submit to...Dominants who disguise themselves with good vocabularies; knowledge of history, science and the arts. Because once you look beyond those words listen to the antiquated chauvinist philosophy they have. I could not believe a Dom believed only a man can discipline a woman and basically that Men are superior to women and that all women are to be submissive to all men. I could see your father, brothers, husband and Pastor but all men...HELL NO!

He went further to say that lesbians can be turned back into heterosexuals with time and effort. If I could i would smack his face. Chauvinist pig. How can a man in this day and age have such backwards views? i am all for a woman submitting to a partner but I'll be damn I'll submit to every man on this earth because submission is earned it's a privilege not a right!

Asshole!

Polygamy is wrong no matter how you spin it. I like poly but it causes problems and often feelings get hurt. Yes the Bible says both yes and no but here in America poly is not widely accepted.

I am so sick of men who are greedy whores.

So much is happening...my head is spinning. I pray to God things will go according to His will but man thngs are happening so fast. I want to rest but I can't. My mind keeps running. i need a spanking. i need to be used and enjoyed and to serve but I can't settle for a wanabe. i need the real thing b/c that's what i am. i want someone I can toe to toe with and know He'll win. Gosh I'm so tired.

It still weirds me out that i am a slave. But it's where I am the happiest. i get such joy from being used hard and often. Whether it's sexually or service oriented. I get to be soft to my Master doesn't mind that i blush or giggle. I can be the sweet God fearing woman i am. Sometimes it weirds me out that i can be a goodie two shoes. Most men are not used to a woman that is genuinely nice, polite, and mannerly. i don't even like to raise my voice.

In this world, it's so hard to be soft and light. People like to push your buttons and i don't want to hurt or offend anyone. Sometimes i feel like I was born in the wrong time.

Sometimes i think it would be great if i could open a school for girls and give them a advanced and well rounded curriculum, where they use their intellect and talents but also learn to cook, clean, host a party, and run a home. There is no Home Ec anymore. There are women in my generation, who can't cook that's a shame. Their budget will be off b/c of all the take out.

I just wish women would be more aware as to how their lack of knowledge affects their children's and husband's lives. Plus eating together as a family promotes stability and communication. Don't we want happy successful families?

I just want to be the woman i was raised to be. I look forward to having my Master feel and know how much i love him by all the time, effort, and talent i give to him and our household. I gained it all to be the backbone of the family, while my Master is the head.

Integrity

\in-'te-gr?-te\

1 : firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values : incorruptibility

2 : an unimpaired condition : soundness

3 : the quality or state of being complete or undivided : completeness

Antonyms of integrity

dishonesty

division

adultery, lewdness, nymphomania, promiscuity

Last night I was having a discussion with Sir, and he said something amusing to me, "Women who don't have female friends usually have a good head on their shoulders." I thought that was odd because I am very pro women empowerment even though my perspective maybe the unconventional route to it but very pro women but then I thought about it. In my life the friendships that meant the most to me where they were safe, fun, exciting, memorable, and enlightening were with males.

My girlfriend friendships were turbulent and time consuming. Often they heaped their problems on me and looked to me to fix them because I was perceived as stronger. I was always taking care of them but they never really had my back. My male friends or boyfriend was my main support.

I think we've bought into the lie that women have always gotten together to work it out. I find many of us have so many insecurities and inferiority complexes that we can't think or see straight. Our perception is subjective NOT objective. We allow emotions and feeling to determine our paths; instead of making a decision based upon what is best for us.

Men behave stupidly too but does equality mean now we can be jackasses like men in order to feel validated and avenged? Or are we going to have integrity and take the high road and try to do better. Isn't what we're supposed to do?

I find many women nowadays don't. They give into their hurt and become disillusioned. So often times I find my girlfriends to be hard to deal with because there is so much betrayal, hormones, pettiness, and dishonesty in their lives, so their at wits end. But if they made better choices about who and what they let into their lives, they could more peace and stability. And my girlfriends laugh and say I'm odd b/c I date a lot but nothing lasts long and I say, "If it ain't going to work...why keep it going?" They would rather have a bad relationship than have no relationship. Or they have NO relationship than take a chance to find real love.

I don't know if most women will ever be able to provide their own sense of stability and peace of mind but I know a good man with integrity, honor, sincerity, and love can sure do it. But wouldn't it be better if we learned to do it on our own and teach that to our daughters, so they can offer that to their mates?

I just hope women and men will be more responsible with their choices and be mindful of how our behaviors and attitudes affects others.

Everyday I'm amazed at how much God has shown me and have loved me. I realized the reason I was drawn to BDSM or D/s was b/c it's similar to how I interact with God. He is an authority that I hold in high regard and I am willing to submit my will to His. He protects, guides, disciplines, loves, rewards, punishes, molds--you name it he does it. These things I looked for in man but I had to realize before I could ever give that type of respect to a simple human being, I need to give that to the Lord, first. And through working and interacting with God, I learned how much easier it is to turn things over to Him. So now I know when my One finds me I will know how to hand control over to him because I already have practice and experience through my relationship with God.

People in this lifestyle say that religion and BDSM or D/s or M/s have nothing to do with each other but if you think about it. A leader has to have values and principles that they hold themselves to. If they don't, their work will crumble. They must work toward forming a clear picture of their intentions, motivations, goals, and standards b/c if they don't, they won't fully profit from the experience. There has to be a reason why your training her or him in this, even if they don't know the end result directly and through time and experience they will learn the lesson your giving them. But you have to know what is your teaching them and molding them into. If you don't, it's pointless. Even if you just do a scene you have to have some kind of outline as to what and how and where you want this to go to or end up.

That's another thing BDSm has taught me, that if your not open to exploring and stretching your knowledge or self awareness, you'll become stagnant and obsolete. No one wants to be obsolete. We all should be constantly trying to improve our lives, selves, and understanding of this world and our role in it. If your not. Your life is a waste. Why be stuck at kindergarten, when you've got Harvard professors at your disposal? There is so much knowledge, groups, and events to help you grow. Not only in your BDSM walk but your personal one as well. I went to a MAsT meeting, where the speakers offered a type of chart system where you schedule different aspects of your life. From personal, spiritual, educational, home maintenance--basically several key aspects of our daily lives. I am a firm believer that we must take the time to handle and deal with all the different concerns and aspects of our lives. If you don't, your not in control. Life is just pushing you along and if you want something you have to do the work to get it.

When I first got into this lifestyle, I was a mess. But it taught me to take better care of myself, my body, my heart, my mind and my soul. It taught me to respect myself and be the queen I am despite, what anyone else may say my status is in this world. I learned if I don't like me, who else will? I had to work towards having actions, motivations and behaviors that I was proud and okay with. For years, I settled for lowering myself to others level. But in the end, I had to do what God commanded and be the woman my parents raised me to be. That woman is an relic in this world but she is so needed. I offer warmth comfort, support and love. We all need those thngs in our lives and that is one of the joys of being the subordinate, i am allowed to freely use my talents and abilities to bring joy to my Master's life. So, I can make his world and our family easier, happier, and peaceful.

People have become so detached from their lives. It's like they are walking in a fog and no one else is around them. People don't talk to each other. They aren't polite or nice. They are so busy worrying about someone taking advantage of them, so they have to get you first before you get them and that's sad. So many times I have spoken to Doms, who said I have honor and integrity and they didn't even have self control and they are trying to control me. I would laugh in their faces. Their lives were a direct reflection of who and what they were. And many were some sad miserable downtrodden men. They had the self esteem of a gnat. So they degraded and disrespected others and mainly themselves with their ignorance and arrogance. It saddened me. It pushed me to into my own sense of Dominance. But I know in time, my Boaz will come and he will restore me. I have faith and I am sure when I am found, I will respect, love, honor, cherish and obey to the best of my ability. B/c I would be so grateful to have a man that held me in such high regard to allow me to walk beside him and serve him until my dying breath. That's all I want to do.

There is this cat named Fela Kuti. He's from Nigeria and is a famous musican and political activist. He has passed but his music still lives on. So, if you want some music that you can groove and think to then look him up on youtube. My favorite is Teacher Don't Teach Me No Nonesense.

I was inspired so I thought I'd share a simple fantasy with you all.

I was sitting on the bed with my Master and my legs were open one was on the bed spread out in front of me and the other one is over the side of the bed almost touching the floor. My Master was leaning between my legs and He balances himself with one hand and the other is wrapped around my throat and he squeezes and say, "Mine" And He kisses me deeply and warmly. Then his hands slips down my body to my secret place and slides his fingers into my moist underwear and then softly laughs and plays with my clit and my body trembles to his touch and he says, "You love me, don't you? No other man can ever give you what I give you. I know exactly what you need to make you moan and make your hips rock." And i merer, "Yes, Master, only you." Then he slides his fingers against my slippery secret place again and my hips dig into His hand and then He wraps his hand on my waist and kisses and bites my bottom lip. And then a moan slips from my lips.

It's funny. Sometimes I forget I am a real submissive. In life, I have to be strong and in control all the time and for me it's draining but I have no choice as a single widowed mother with a son. I try to be consistent and structured. The structure is okay but the consistent is not happening. I tend Io let things go. I don't sweat things but for my child sake I have to learn and discipline myself to do it.

It was funny because today it really hit me that I really am submissive in my truest place. When I see myself with a particular person, He is standing and my head is to His leg and I'm gripping His pants for dear life. I don't need to be anything but that to Him and it weirds me out that I'm like this. That I don't need Him to be mine 24/7. The time I have with Him is precious and savored. Rarely do I come across someone who can deal with my many sides.

I once dated a guy who said, "I never know which girl, I'm going to get today." I am artsy, philosophical, religious, spiritual, traditional, non-conforming, bougie, streetwise, gourmet chef, who loves Checkers, goes to opera and symphony, enjoys bowling, shooting pool and arcades woman. I love life and I want all that it has to offer but when will my Master find me and make me His completely? Or am I going to have to find someone that caters to my needs and desires. I don't know but I know for right now, I'm happy where I'm at...for the first time in a long time, I feel complete and self assured. God is a good God and I am grateful, He's blessed me with a good friend.

Today is a special day. It only happens every four years. And it's a beautiful day! I'm going to take my son to Chinatown for dinner. It's one of his favorite places...that and Rittenhouse Sq. Today my Dom friend told me about a site called Pandora. It creates a station that plays music according to the taste of the artist or song requested. I love it! They had my group Loquat on there. I was so shocked to see it. They aren't mainstream so it was cool to see their music readily available.

Growing up I was the black girl who didn't fit in anywhere. I wasn't ghetto hip hop black girl or I wasn't totally white girl who listened to goth and electronic music. I didn't have a group I fit exactly with. I have always been a loner. I walk to my own drum. So, I realize that's hard for some men to deal with but once I see your for real and you can understand all my sides, then i can submit. Sometimes I think I won't find it one man. I have so many sides and interests and I think globally. I want to see all the world and learn everything. My Dom friend does so it's some relief but I want my own Master someone that I belong to completely. Someone I can feel freely and be able to know his arms are home.

So many truths are revealed to me everyday. God is the ULTIMATE MASTER! He's the Master of my dreams! He cares for me. He guides me. He rewards me for good things and corrects me for bad things. He makes me laugh. He cheers me up. He gives me hope and love and joy. Everything I have ever wished for in a Master.

Often you hear the analogy of a Master being an sculptor, who chisels and rubs and polishes the marble to create a work of art in his submissive. I realized that's what God does to me. He gives me this life and through it I am buffed, chiseled, and polished to be the being that will love, adore and honor Him.

That is such an awesome feeling. Knowing that someone out there is willing to do so much work to create a thing of beauty out of me. I wanted this to be done by Master but God is doing a pretty good job of it. However, I long for the day, where I know my Master likes and dislikes without instruction and completely and freely give myself to him like I am learning to do with God. I learned it's easier than you think.
For years I thought if I give in i can't have this and I can't do that but i find that I don't miss them as much. I love sex but I would rather make passionate love to my Master and know I am sacred and treasured to Him. I am his in every way and we belong to God. There is such a freedom in giving your burdens to another and being able to do what needs to be done. Sex was so empty before, when I couldn't love the Doms I was seeing. There was no trust and so I couldn't let go and relax and just be. I was always afraid if I attach myself, when he decides to leave (which happened alot b/c I am a real sub/slave and not just a sex kitten) it would hurt even more. I was waiting for the signs that it was okay to trust but they were so unsincere and i saw through tha games so I left. Many a time I will date a Dom and it's over in 3 weeks, while another sub will date him and it takes them 3 months to figure out (actually happened) what I told her about him was true. She was like you were right how did you pick that up sp fast. I would always say, "Listen to what he says and watch if it matches up with his actions. Do things line up or is everything a little off but you can't put your finger on it." I know what it's like to have a real and sincere bond with a mate.

When I was with my son's father, I used to have orgasms that felt like atomic bonds. Sometimes they were so spiritual. It felt like I was kissing the sky or in another dimension or heaven. I miss those kind of orgasms. Lately, they have been empty and unsatisfying. I need someone who I can trust, bond to, commit myself to and know he's not going anywhere. That's the thing Doms never gave me. I always felt like either one of many or replaceable. That doesn't foster a bond of trust.

If people say they have honor and integrity, they should live up to it but for many it's a D/s line they've learned to type or say. But few live up to it. I have a Dom friend that has those qualities and I have a tremendous respect for him. I adore him. He is the best friend I have waited for such a long time. He's never left. I can't be his but he still guides and advises me. He's the closest I have ever had to a earthly Master. He showed me there are everyday men out there with integrity and self control and self respect. And because of this he respects and appreciates my submitting to his will because I know he always looks out for our good.

I have hope my Master will find me. I've got two good sources of exemplary Domination. And until my One finds me...I think I'll be okay!

Two things this lifestyle has taught me...that nothing is completely black and white. And furthermore, there is plenty of gray.  The second is that, if you don't like you, who else will? This lifestyle can bruise your ego but if you do the work to find out who you are and what you offer and be grateful that you can offer it to a mate, then your better off. It makes me be more selfless, yet knowing I need to be cared for and appreciated.

This lifestyle has little to do with sex. Trust and intimacy is what it boils down to. It's about two or more people learning how the other(s) ticks.  Both trying to figure out how to get under their partner's skin. To know them better than you know yourself. You give away what's in your hand, in order to, receive something.

For many, it's an ego trip and an excuse to be a jerk and get an easy lay. Many times both sides don't know what and don't know how to fulfill the responsibilities that comes with a sincere and caring D/s relationship.

You can do some real damage with this lifestyle. My heart has been broken a plenty since I decided to embark on this journey of self exploration through D/s. I've made plenty of mistakes but I learned from them. That's another lesson, I learned. Growing up I was pressured to think everything has to be perfect and a mistake can cost you greatly. But sometimes you gain more from the experience than if I did it right from the jump. It becomes ingrained into me like the consistent training of a Master.

Well, I hope you've enjoyed my blog and I hope you have a great day! God bless!

brother251 Male Dominant, 50, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania	Brooklyn36 Male Dominant, 40, Brooklyn, New York	brokeny2k Male Dominant, 53, Chicago, far west, Illinois	BromasterNY Male Dominant, 38, New York
brooklyn Male Dominant, 24, Edmonton	BrokenRemains Male Submissive, 21, Pasco, Washington	Bron4 Male Dominant, 58, Bellefonte, Pennsylvania	brokey187 Male Submissive, 21, salmiya
Bro Male Dominant, 31	broooke Female Submissive, 42	bronzehorse31 Male Dominant, 48	brooke Transgender Submissive, 32

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