Hello,

Today was a strange day. First day alone after the dude left. Or I should say actually taken away. Ha and I thought that I would be so happy. Especially since I never thought of him as someone I would have even if I was not wanting this lifestyle. Who knows. 

I honestly have no idea what to say to it all but I want to talk. Ha, just like a girl wanting to talk. Sorry, been smoking and drinking. Just trying to stop pacing and concentrate on something. I was thinking about writing in my other journal but that takes too long cause you have to actually write which is normally no big deal but I actually write not type and I type faster. HA!....

He he he...

fun...

anyway. I miss him so much more then I ever thought I would. yeah I know it is early but I of course dont miss the fighting but the talking. Wow, he knew like most everything about evverything. We would spend so much time talking about movies, music, books andything I could think of talking about he knew at least a little about.

That is how I spent the last couple days before he went away. It was like we were reconnecting and he was so kind. he was trying.  Thought I would have closer when he left. i guess not at the moment... 

He is a good man just made some really bad choices that kept him from doing things he wanted to do to live and be with me.....

Not making an excuse just thoughts going through my head. That is what I do thoughts. 

Hope all is well with everyone.

Hello to all,

WOW what a month, he had really made a change to be more receptive to my needs. This month we have had like no fights what so ever. i think i snapped at him a couple times but besides that I have been very content and happy. 

Alas, it was not to last. One of my girlfriends don't like him so she decided to call the police. So they came rolling up this morning and put a gun to my face and took him away. All he said was that he should have taken care of it months ago, This is just making us take care of it now. I miss him already. After all the problems we had over these last months started to melt away. I got used to sharing my life with someone again and he got used to giving me affection and well you know the intimate stuff.....

I will know more tuesday what is going on. The house feels so empty and right now I feel dead to what happened. I keep thinking he is in the pantry having a cigarette. 

We really connected this last month like we were dating and starting over and it was going great. We of course still had issues to work out but we were ok, he was really trying. 

I don't know much else to say about it.

Hello to all,

It has been a good while since I have been on here. Sadly I guess I am at the point that one day I will have to call the police to get this guy out of my house.

Last night was another late night of fighting. On top of that he said some hurtful things that made no sense to point out. 

Oh boy, oh boy. I know I have no reason to complain it is my own fault. You would think someone would be gone if they were kicked out once a month but I guess not. Stupid me told him that I loved him and I don't think that is true. I have glimpses where I have  all the warm fuzzy feelings when i look at him or think of him but they get killed pretty quickly. 

Last nights fights he brought up a lot of stuff that I did not even know was a problem and then he got mad at me for doing nothing to be there for him. He was mad at me for things that I don't do for him but yet he does not do it for me. I am not sure if that made sense but that is the best way to describe it. How does someone in one breath inspire me to do some great things and then in the next breath totally make me feel like im a piece of crap. The roller coaster is crazy. I already have a roller coaster going on in my head let alone having to add to it from an outside source.

work has been going good. Got a part time job at babies r us and hoping to find something after the season is done. Right now  I am still not making rent along with trying to pay my other bills. They are working with me but still falling short. I was hoping to have a second job but that did not turn out that way.

Well, I am not sure what else to say. Trying to keep the complaining down to a minimum. 

Hope all is well with everyone. 

Ok so I have not been on in a while, since then I have moved into the new house and I love it. I have just tonight really thought about what a great house it is. I should really put pics on here but I want to take a couple pics of the back yard and the shed. WOW, it is such an awesome place, and they did not even say much about all the perks. There is a fenced in back yard (not big but he does not care, he has 800 sq ft of a house to run all over. AWESOME. For me there is a kitchen and a pantry that I have just fell in love with, there is so much room I love it. I actually have a room that is the same size of mny apartment that I just moved from. I LOVE IT!!!

Ok before you even think about it yes Jason went with me but in the process of fixing that problem,, I know again.. LOL But he is not bothering me that much tonight.;

This is what I have been up to. I lost my job last Tuesday so if you hear of ANYTHING in Tucson please let me know I would love to make my rent... Besides that I am looking for a job on the net about 8 hours a day since last Tuesday.

And the one that I have been using the internet for is the good friend that gave me "the wall" on cd and on dvd. He knew how much I loved the music and just did it. He is the same one that lavished so much affection on me I have had a problem dealing with it. He is dealing with it right along with me.. I have no idea if we are going to be after, I just know that he has given me so much strength and a want to be better. I had to deal with some things with my ex husband and my daughter which are really usually horrible but after telling him what happened and giving him some details of the past he kept his opinions to himself but still said some things that have really helped to look at my life differently.

LOL He is also the one that I was wanting to invite over and have dinner and repay him for the kindness that he has shown me. He even is sitting here listening to my music,k staying up after he has not slept since 9pm yesterday. WOW and it is about half past 11. LOL and he is letting me use his computer to enter in this journal entry. I have no idea how I got so lucky to get him in my life. I wish I had meet him and he was living with me in the big house I know I would want to rush home. Right now I am spending the night at his house because I don't want to go home to a fight especially if I stay out late.

Another really bad weekend.. Oh well that will soon change. I just need to concentrate on him and what I need to do to make my life better. To get another job and to spend time with a man that thinks I'm awesome (like literally he told me) and he is always trying to make me be better and be happy and balanced.

I am still not sure about making rent this weekend but it is my birthday on sunday also so either way I should party. Either my last month in the house or last day whatever.

I just know getting to know this man has completely changed my life and my outlook... Makes me actually believe that I can be better and do better.

I know everyone has been telling me that but sometimes you have to be hit across the head and have it said one last time to make you start thinking it......

You know I never thought I was even pretty but he has a pic of me up on his computer so he can see me all the time. LOL I looked at the pic today and went "wow that is no half bad a pic" I have never said that about any pic. See we will just keep paying each other back.

Hope everyone is doing well.

Last night I spent time with a guy I had meet off craigslist. Not looking for sex I think it was something in platonic cause we talk mostly of video games and he has been a wonderful support for me while I have been at work. I got frustrated with my co worker a couple days and he was kind enough to listen to me on the phone and give advice on what to do with her. I tried it and it worked. YAY!!! Now he is the first one outside this world about BDSM especially a guy. Ha! He actually said he knew a little about it but he was more of a watcher... But having that out there made me be able to relax in a whole nother way. So I am really happy I told him at least I will have one place I can be completely myself. So last night after I got off work we went swimming (started raining, it was AWESOME.) He had gotten his room mates and I pizza so we were munching on that,... We spent a couple hours him showing me his games on his computer and I showed him mine on my phone. Spent a couple more hours exchanging music (we are very alike in taste) and then he used his hands on me touching me everywhere, pulled my hair, kissed me everywhere and just lavished more attention on me then I have probably had in the last year save a couple times.... He then held me in place and used his fingers and mine and all that to make me cum hard and for like a half hour... I literally don't remember my head hitting the pillow. I get cold really easy so he then spent a lot of the night putting up with me waking up and shivering. I also don't sleep very well without my dog next to me but he had an awesome bed so I was comfortable as could be.

When I woke up this morning I got in the shower after getting my clothes that he had washed and dryed for me. After getting dressed I come out to the kitchen to him making bacon eggs and toast. WHAT THE FREAK!!?!?!?!? I had no idea what to do, so I just hugged him and said thank you. After eating I went to the bus stop and he even came to keep me company till the bus got there...

All in all it was a wonderful time and I hope to spend some time with him and after I move I hope to repay him....

I am not sure what to say after this so I'm just saying

Have a great hump day!

Last night after fixing my skirt that I was very proud of myself. The zipper had split and I had to put a new one in. Now sometimes when I don't have a lot of practice I can't put stuff back together. But I fixed it, its comfy and like new... So I was proud of myself. I went to show Jason, he actually laughed and just turned away.....

I want someone that likes all that stuff about me. That I can sew and quilt, I mean I can make clothes, pillows, drapes its AWESOME. And my cooking, ha just let me do my thing and I will impress anyone... Women have lost the art to do things the long way and it is too bad. It is something I want to get better at but that involves classes and money. I have a sewing machine so that is probably the most expensive part.

After that I still cried last night in my pillow cuddled under the blankets, it just really bothers me that I am sending someone out to be homeless. It may be the right thing to do but I have been homeless and it is not fun..... I hate to do that to someone else.

I also found out that I am renting the front part of a house. I am going to go look at it but may be looking at a place right down the street that is a house on its own. Should have called on that one anyway but I had a feeling about that one.. Maybe I should follow that gut. I don't know... Hopeing to go see it later today and see how it is set up, I can always sound proof everything.....

Kind of feeling empty and dead today. Fantasizing about getting razor refils from the dollar store and releiveing some of this stress... Going to try to start packing tonight.

Did not even run this morning becuase I was so tired. So I bumped my exercise down to 4 times a week until I move.

Hello to all again,

So, After yesterday I am feeling better and better about not having him there... when he is right in front of me it is a little tough but I just keep my mouth shut and just keep saying I can't support both of us. One thing that he is completely missing is that I'm freaken out not just because he is the first man since my ex husband that I have actually asked to move in with me.. (that was 7 years ago that I left him) I have been alone ever since. Had people move in like him for a month or two but not really even room mates.

The thing that hurt the most was yesterday when we were discussing it a little and I broke down and told him about my job being on the line, moving, that I can't support us both. He gave me a hug and kept talking about me talking to him and opening up. I told him I don't feel that way towards him. I don't feel I can go to him with stuff. It is funny cause it blew him away. He was like "wait, everyone comes to me with their problems". I said "I don't" and just shrugged my shoulders. After that he said he would miss me, then he started talking about all the changes that were going to happen in the new house like space, internet, you know just things I had planned. He is so excited about the things that he is going to get that he is not even excited about moving there with me. He said he thought things were going great but of course he is going to want to stay and say that... All I could think when he was talking about the move was "yeah of course it is starting to work out for you, you don't have to pay for a darn thing" that is all I wanted to say. When he hugged me there was no "hey let me see if I can get some money together to help you out" it was oh I'm a good listener....

I don't need a good listener in a relationship well I do but I need more,,, money, I need someone to work through life with me not just to leave me to do it ALL on my own. And it has been because why would I tell him anything when he is not going to do anything about it anyway.

Well, he is talking about going into the shelter and I will be happy to get my place back....

He said the worst part about it is he does not like dogs but he loves my moose. That was a hard thing to hear because I am always hoping to find someone that would love my dog as much as me and he gets along with him really well.... OH well, max will find another friend to play with. He won't care once we get to the new house. He will have so much room.

Well, today my coworker did not come in, dealing with personal stuff.... WOW.... I can't believe it.

The owners of the company came to see us last week and said that if we don't bring the place around in a month then we will lose our jobs. And of course she does not show up... GRRR she had 6 mon that she knew she was moving and she did no packing whatsoever..... I need her here... Anyway not much I can do.

Alright I work for a place that does hearing screenings and can sell Hearing Aids. I am trying to get more patients in so I can keep my job. I have been calling the current patients we have trying to get them in but I need ideas for places to advertise or send our cards to. I am looking at retirement homes and such I have all the obvious covered... I need suggestions for places that are not so obvious like I am sending them to Music Stores. Anything that can get all age groups to see the advertisement and think "oh maybe a family member or friend I know can use that" does not have to make a big impact just a start.

Any suggestions would be helpful

Hello,

Well, funny thing a little bit ago Jason found this site on my phone. He did not know how to get back to it but he teased me about it and that was about it.

Last night at 1 am I finally broke down and said that I was not ready to have him stay. I think it is more of a money thing at this point. He has become more and more affectionet. I think he was a little irritated but just said whatever. We will be talking about when he is leaving tonight but I have a feeling I am not going to be able to do it... GRRR..... More because I am sending a man to be homeless..... I know he was like that when I meet him but that does not really matter to me. he is still a good person.

I had the owners of the company come in and was about to get fired. He gave me a hug when I got home and held me and listened. Not that much but a little.

Talked to my daughter last night but she did a lot of crying because she misses me....

I have had such a roller coaster day so far and it is only 2:30pm. I got into it again with Jason and again it was about sex. I can't do it, I need affection, I need touching, not even just the kinky stuff but I need to be cared for. Over the weekend when my ankel was all messed up he did not even help me with anything so I could stay off my foot.

I stayed up crying because I was having such a problem shutting my brain down that I cried for 6 hours last night.

I know I have no reason to complain, I thought that if I was going to be changing myself into what my Master wants me to be I might as well start with this dude. I guess when it is not given back I guess that is where the problem comes in.

I got the house.

So last night after only getting an hour of sleep I tried to get up for work, never happened... Really not doing well today. I started cutting myself last night and it actually felt good.. I am drinking on a regular basis and I tried smoking so much weed I still feel high from last night.

I did not get to go running. Now I have to try and find a way to get money together to move so I don't lose that house.

I am hurt, I wanted so bad to give it my all and I did and I can't do it. I really thought I could change myself and be happy but I guess that is not the way that it works.

Well I don't know what else to say. Hopefully I will be here tomorrow to say something else. With the way I am feeling today that is not likely.

Well, I just finished getting yelled at by an old women. I was getting to work and feeling like it was going to be a great day.

All I can think that I want to go home. It does not help next couple days emotionally are tough cause it is that time... GRRRR.... I hate being a girl sometimes.. I have intense pain in my lower back and lower abdomen.. WOW,,, So because I was hurting an emotional I started crying because the women was being stupid and wrong...

Thank heavens for ac/dc they can atleast cheer me up...

I am stressing so much about getting this house because I have horrible credit but I want it so bad and I have already budgeted and I can handle it.... Even have money left over in each paycheck...

Get to talk to my daughter a couple times a day but I still miss her with an intensity that is really hurting me... Summer is almost over and I promised her I would have her over the summer.. Some mother I am....

Well that is all I have to say for right now....

I hate the mood swings that I have.. They are normal for me but I don't think I will ever get used to them.

Hello,

I hope everyone had a great weekend.

I am sitting here about to start this journal entry and the song "Hallelujah" comes on from the Shrek soundtrack. I play Pandora off my work computer. What a beautiful song and for some reason I find myself crying a little. Great! Not at work!. LOL

Over the weekend I spent a lot of time thinking about what I want and where I wanted my life to go. At the moment I have no idea what I will be doing or where I will be but for the moment I am here. I want to be here because that is where my heart should be, my frame of mind needs to be on the present. I have spent so much time in my life thinking about what is going to happen after I die, or next week, or next month.

That is how it has been since I was a kid, there was always something to learn, something to work on, something to improve. Now don't think that I don't try to do those things, I do but I try to do them in moderation so I don't stress myself out and start cutting again. I am in a great frame right now and I need to take advantage of that.

I started running again (even though I still have my two hour commute), my dog is all excited... He is such a good boy...

I am hopefully going to be moving into a little house if they approve me since I know that I have a couple things on there that would keep me from it. But I am already making payments on them so I hope those things they will let them slide and just rent to me because I make enough to handle it.

My room mate is coming with me. :). At the moment I am not sure if I will ever share that kinky side of me because I don't know him well enough. I am still in the moment so I don't even know how long he will last. But I am going to give my whole heart because I can't do it any other way.

Even though he is not able to contribute in some ways he does so much for me that I can not deny my feelings. He keeps me calm, like what the cutting does. One thing that really made me really sit down and consider having him move with me and be with me was this.

I had had the worst day in history. I mean I had one day that it went so bad that I wanted to shave my head and throw my computer and the phone through my work window. I had been yelled at, threatened, things were breaking down, packages lost. I broke down an cried hysterically at work because it was just that bad.

Then the bus was late and I did not finally get home till like 8. I was so ready to go home, go to the bathroom and cut myself to pieces. There were issues with my daughter and everything I was ready to die.

Then I got home and opened the door to my dog max jumping on me and wagging his tail. But it was when I looked at Jason. I stopped and looked at him and all the sudden I felt this warm feeling wash over me. I was instantly calm.

Well I have run out of time i have to leave work.... Finish tomorrow

Hello to all,

It has been a while since I have last written... So I guess it is time......

Lots of stuff has been on my mind recently... My room mate and what to do about him. (still up in the air as of now).

My daughter (always on the forfront of my mind).

And my life..... This includes a lot as you can imagine...

My room mate and I have reached a compfortable point right now... I have decided to give my room mate a full chance... I wrote him a letter about my intensions and now it is up to him... I feel this is the right path for me right now.. I have no idea when he is going to let me know if he is moving with me but that does not matter I will keep the plan.

I found a cute little two bed one bath house. with yard and everything.. so hopefully will be moving in a couple weeks if everything goes as planned.....

My daughter, I miss her so much my heart breaks every time i think of her.. I hope to have her on my birthday but we shall see...

I am going to continue to be on here to update and chat but I may not do anymore play dates so please don't get offended.. it is just me making a choice and living with it...

Well I could not do it... He was about to leave giving me the bill and all I wanted to say was come give it to me hard in the back I can lock the door. I just did not have the balls to do it.. Sad but true..... Too scared of rejection I guess. I did give him my number for later... I can atleast do that.. LOL

Really,

Could I be that horny. Before the carpet cleaner got here I was already thinking of taking him into the other room and screwing him.

Now that he is here I really want to do it because I don't see a wedding ring and he is cute. :)

OH my nasty nasty mind. :) The things I have in mind.

Hello to all,

Before I forget I would like to say "Have a Great Weekend" I hope you all find something fun to do.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about me and what would be right for me in my li changes are very important and I think that is one reason why I have been going back and forth from vanilla to here because I was not ready to completely change. I am sure that feeling will continue to be there for a time as I read and study to find out where I should be.

I am sure I will not completely change until I find a Master (or he finds me). I do wish I could do long distance relationships like that but I need affection on a regular basis. I was reading in one of the groups the other day about the silent treatment and I remember getting that a couple times just in the vanilla world and I thought I was going to die. LOL I hated it. Not that I need attention all the time but if I have something to say if I don't get it out I will forget it...

Grrr... I read everything I could find on the seekers website about slaves. Now I need to find a new place to read. I guess I might have to look into the library to see if they have anything... Weird to think that they might.

I was just over on browsing the popular and kinky area. I saw this and loved it so much I need to add it to my journal. Someone else wrote this there. I think it is perfect.

What a Real Master Does

I see so many posts asking what is "normal" for a Master / Mistress / Owner to do. This is my response. This is my opinion only; I honor those who will agree to disagree with me, as well as those whose opinions match mine.

A Real Master gets up at 6am on the weekend to take the dogs out because his slave has a migraine.

A Real Master hands his slave a glass of wine and tells her to sit down while he does the dishes because the slave had a shitty day at work.

A Real Master bows his head and apologizes when his slave points out that he failed to follow through on his word. Then he gives her an amends.

A Real Master sees the stress on his slave's face, and stops before asking her to do one more thing.

A Real Master punishes his slave when she does something wrong. Because he loves her.

A Real Master asks his slave for her preferences, even if he doesn't always go by them.

A Real Master asks his slave for her opinions, because he knows her perspective is different than his.

A Real Master makes the final decision based on what's best for all involved, even if the best idea came from the slave. And even when that idea is counter to his own.

A Real Master recognizes that the checking account has limits and demands that his slave abide by them, even when that means he can't have what he wants.

A Real Master refuses to accept excuses, and requires a slave to be on her best behavior, even when she feels whiny. Because he loves her. Because he knows that's the best way to help her stop feeling whiny.

A Real Master feels anger, sadness, happiness, fear, shame and a host of other emotions. And encourages his slave to feel all of those too.

A Real Master understands that his slave won't always perform perfectly, while setting the atmosphere for perfection to happen.

A Real Master goes for a walk, rather than taking his anger out on his slave.

A Real Master puts his slave to bed on time, even if that means he won't have a freshly-cleaned towel when he gets out of the shower.

A Real Master spends 4 hours working to fix a tiny leak on the boat, never once expressing anger at the slave who accidentally caused the problem.

A Real Master uses his hands to punish a slave for willful disobedience.

A Real Master uses his hands to hold and comfort a slave when she is overwhelmed with fear.

A Real Master waters the basil plants when his slave is away, even if he doesn't like to eat the stuff himself.

A Real Master pushes his slave to grow past her fears and limitations. And is there to support her throughout the effort.

A Real Master smiles at his slave, and sends all of his emotion in that one action.

  talinaZAR

's Writing 45F slave (Indianapolis, Indiana)....

This is who originally posted it......

I have a strong idea of what type of a slave I am but I am not sure how to put it into words. I am going to be my vanilla self even when I am a slave because I was serving as a young girl always trying to help with ANYTHING. This brings me great joy and I will always be striving for those two little words "Good Girl" and the stroke on my face or hair. Once that is said I get this intense urge to drop to my knees and hug his feet because standing just does not feel right.

Not sure what that all means or translates too but that is my natural reaction.

I wonder if there is a slaves prayer. I have the subs prayer. Printed it out and I leave it in my purse so I can read it anytime. I am not sure there would be much difference to the two.

I have been thinking a lot lately about what kind of Master I need or want. But I am trying not to put a list down. Even in the vanilla world I never had a "type." It was all about the personality of him and if we clicked..... I have a general idea of what I want but I hate to have expectations. That limits your view point and can also close your mind off to some really great opportunities.

GRRR I can't help but think I don't want a Daddy. There was only one I would have been able to do that with and I can't so I feel I should stick with someone younger.

Well that is all I have to say for right now. Lots of stuff going through my head. Like that is different then any other day.

I care strongly about him but my heart is still empty. I have had to come to the conclustion that the Daddy that I moved here for is not the right one for me...... That breaks my heart, I love the man.

I have put myself in contact with a couple of slaves for advice, yay. Well, or just questions here and there..... It's funny that sometimes I think the life is going to be me living in handcuffs (atleast when I am home) serving, or going to work. It is not perfect and I am sure it is hard work but I can see it all in my head.

After speaking with a Slave I found out what the 1950's houshold was all about... Yay, sounds right up my alley. So there is one thing that I did not know much about that I will have to change on my profile.

I have realized recently that I have to unlearn all the religion that was taught to me atleast to a point. I am still feeling guilty about somethings that feel like I was born to do... Like being a slave or the kink in general, grew up to think that was bad and I should kill that side of me. But I feel strongly about the church but there must be a reason why I keep coming back to the same place.

So here I continue on my journey with a new perspective and with hope that I can keep doing it the right way so I might find success in my new lifestyle.

Hello,

Well, four days since I have written. This weekend was very interesting. I found myself fighting feelings for my room mate that are not going to do my any good. Even if I was staying in the vanilla life he still would not be a choice I would make. Too bad cause we make really good friends but that is why I can't be with him because I can't be anything more for someone that has no passion for me what so ever. You don't have to be wanting to hump my leg everyday but atleast once a week.

Anywho, once nice thing my daughter got a phone. LOL So now I get to hear from here like 3-4 times a day.. LOL and she texts me... Crazy kid.

I had some drama at my house while I was gone on Saturday night. Funny that people don't like you if you don't have the same opinion. But I am not here to please people, if you don't like me for my opionion that is your fault. I will still think the same way. Well I do say this about the vanilla world, because I am sure when you are in training with a Master I am sure you get your thoughts changing.

Hello,

Someone has recommended me the site http://www.seekers.org.uk/index.htm. I have only read a couple of things but it is awesome. Very open, of course I like that. Helped me think of things that I need to work on.

I look forward to learning more but I really liked this Submissive's prayer...

Allow me the strength to answer questions I can't fathom.

Allow me the spirit to know His needs.

Allow me the kindness to choke back retorts.

Allow me the serentity to serve Him in peace.

Allow me the love to show Him myself.

Allow me the tenderness to comfort Him.

Allow me the light to show us the way.

Allow me the wisdom to be an asset to Him.

Let me be able to show Him each day my love of my service to Him.

Let me open myself up to completely belong to Him.

Let my eyes show Him the same respect, rather I sit at His side, or kneel at His feet.

Let me accept my punishment with the grace.

Let me learn to please Him, beyond myself.

Grant me the power to give myself to Him completely.

Grant me the strength to please U/us both.

Permit me to love myself in loving Him.

Allow me the peace of serving Him.

For it is my greatest wish,

my highest power to make His life complete,

as He makes mine

~author unknown~

Good Morning,

I wish it was today now that I would be tied up......

I found out last night that my ride to go get my daughter has to work overtime... An hour,, I can't see my daughter because she wants to work 1 hour of overtime. And scheduling just does not fit with haveing to drive 2 hours to go get her then 2 hours back.

I have this overwhelming feeling to cut myself and feel better. I was going to explode my heart was breaking. My room mate (the none affectionate one) comes up behind me and just gives me a huge bear hug, I needed it. I felt like I was breaking. I had not seen my daughter in 3 months and I had been planning this trip for a month atleast. After trying to go to bed later I went for a run with my dog to get the anger out. It has not really hit me yet, when tonight rolls around and I am supposed to be on my way to go get her then I will feel it. I spent and hour in the shower trying not to break down again and trying to push away the feelings I was having.

I wanted to do it sooo badly, like I have not had such an overwhelming urge to hurt myself in a very long time...

Not exactly sure how to end this, but that is all I have to say today.

Hello to all,

Yesterday I was tired from being out so late on Monday. I walked in yesterday to my roommate making dinner for him. He spent a good amount of time on it and I was very appreciative but since he is only there to have fun I refuse to instigate sleeping with him. I will not get attached again.

As I have been sitting with him over the last couple days, or I should say as I have been spending time with him I have noticed a couple things.

He does not like the constant talking of girls..

LOL now for a bit I thought that was something good that I had no filter and people would hear what I have to say but if it does not have a strong meaning or point why say it? Well atleast from a slaves point of view. I can see why a Master would get irritated. So I figured that might be a good trait to have, not talk so much. lol. So I have been silent, just listening. I have found when I am actually listening to someone I personally need to just listen and not think of what I am going to say next until after they stop speaking.

I need to be teachable...

My room mate has so many things that he wants to teach me but with his wise crack remarks and me not really knowing what to say (now I just chuckle), I get defensive.

I need to listen and just let the wise cracks roll off my shoulder. Well I need to do that with a couple of things but one thing at a time.

This morning I realized a little that I am not able to be myself around him but that is because I thought I was being pushed aside or I don't know.  Today I woke up in a meloncholy mood.

My daughter is coming tomorrow for the weekend and I am estatic beyond words. I don't have a lot of money to spend on her but I have some things planned that I think she is going to love. But she is only staying till Sunday sometime during the day so my heart breaks now thinking that she is going to be gone again in such a short amount of time.

I know one of the reasons I feel so lost is because I don't have a Master to direct me, I'm not sure how long that will be sadly of course. WOW I am in an f you mood, rarely do I ever. Not sure what my problem is today.

I can feel myself changing around my room mate that I am sure would be changed when I get a Master so I guess why not get a headstart and make it an easier job for my Master.

Also, never want to go just looking for sex on craigslist, the dudes are so stupid on there... Major chip on thier shoulders...

Last night was a great night but also in some ways disappointed. From the time I saw this guy I started getting thoughts of riding him. Walking into a place I felt his hand on my back and then spanking me firmly was always nice. Feeling up my thighs in the car and me touching his cock from on top of his pants. He was big too.. GRRR I wanted to ride him so badly. LOL. Hopefully next time. :)

Hello,

I am not sure how much of you read my journal but I will try to keep it up to date with my adventures and experiences of my own journey through this time in my life.

I was craving that Dominant experience. (please forgive me I am a horrible speller).

Having is hands restraining me and guiding me through my work I felt myself relaxing. That power was here and that was the first step, next was just to do as I am told...

As he gave me orders to do things I felt this peace and happiness I had not felt in a while. I was serving someone and I was actually doing really good. Not that I just want to serve whoever, I guess it will be like that for a little while until my Master finds me.

I felt myself feel more confident as the old habits came back. It is different then doing it Vanilla. I like knowing exactly what to do to make my Dom happy.

Like I said this was an awesome experience, I felt like I found myself again. I had one purpose, the rest of the world does not matter...

Hello,

Today I have been spending some time talking to different men. This time around I do not feel pressured to make choices right away. I feel like I have more of an idea of what I am looking for.

One thing I have been thinking about is why I want to be a sub or what makes me want to be one.

One day back when I was cutting someone spanked me.. then he tied me up, kept spanking me. Then as I started to relax and get over being uncomfortable and feeling weird about someone doing something to me. As I was laying there being hit and I was blindfolded naked, I lay there thinking, I like the feeling. There was this warmth that went through my body. I felt my whole body relax and become one or at peace. Not sure what words that would describe it better. All I know is I felt like I was born to do that. Then when I learned how to serve I had the same feeling.

I have been back and forth in the mormon religion at the same time... But that I have been going in and out more then this becuase I knew I was happy there but I never felt complete.

Now that I am open to talk to different guys and be even more honest with them then last time.. No holding back..

You know sometimes I only hold back just because I was afraid that I was not going to be accepted for me. Well I say to all you Masters that want to talk and meet me, I am going to tell you the truth no matter what the question. I want you to know me for me cause that is the only way that you are going to get to know me and decide if I am the right Sub for you......

So yesterday I was in the mood to get screwed like I have never been screwed before. Just one of those times where you feel like if you are not going to get laid you will die. LOL

Hopefully I will find a dom that I feel the same way about. We had pretty much everything in common when it came to music. I had gone to my first concert ever, The Scorpions. Just last month. I was going to go with him but he wanted someone that could party afterwards. I get up at 5:30 monday thru friday to catch the bus to get to work by 8. So I was not planning on partying after. I was sad I had to decline since he had VIP tickets and second row seats.. But I really just wanted to go to  my first concert and enjoy the show go home and crash.

That is not what happened. I smoked weed, drank and screamed my lungs out. I was hoarse the next day. But the other thing was I stayed up till 3 am. LOL I was so made at myself that I was still up and I did not go.. OH well I had a wonderful time anyway.

That was my night. I hope anyone that reads this had a nice night also.