Well my life is really not very thrilling, except the wonderful man above seems to like making my heart and romantic life a whirlwind of mass confusion.

I had the best vacation to date spending time in Vancouver and then Calgary. I found contentment and peace like I have never know in Calgary being of use and being a domestic submissive for several days. And the professor was of great help to me in learning more about myself and how I can be submissive and still be myself without compermising.

And when I returned home I was feeling sorta lost in that my little needful void was filled and now once again empty.

But I may have solved the problem I do hope. The issue of Le Dom has not been resolved. And neither has T. But I may have found what I gained from the professor in another. Mr. Classic has arisen. Yes I nickname everyone, it is polite. But he is willing to offer me the wonders of pain without the constant pressures that Le Dom is pushing for me to rethink sex and not give up on it. So I will get my pain and torment and I do not have to pay the piper in sexual acts.

Okay I guess clarification is needed. I am not against sex, trust me I crave it too much to be against it. But I have had one gent in my time and well if you can't get it right after 4.5 years you just need to give up. So I have. I like sex, I love orgasming, I would and do when time allows induge in that several several times a day. But I am not good or made to work with sex. So I am content to long and find other ways to manage my needs without the painful embrassment of once again failing in bed.

So here I stand attempting to brace the shores of vanilla 'dating' [just hanging out and flirting] with T and then getting my pain and suffering from Mr. Classic, the offer was given, I am pondering. More trust needed to go much further, but he seems to be someone I can greatly respect and have a good time with. And he is not going to push too much. If he starts sounding like Le Dom and the Professor when it comes to me not giving up sex, then I will have to step back again sadly.

Yeah I am fucked up. Shit happens, so let me pay my penance in pain and not the other options for now. When I get comfy and brave that might change but for now sex with anything but my own devices is worse then a public flogging.

Cheerio and cross your fingers!

I almost saw dawn if I could have held out a little longer, but what I most craved was my bed. Which I found about 4 am.

I was going to go to the munch meeting they were holding in my area but I could not find them or no one showed. But I hung out with a familar that I can now call a friend and it was really nice. Very little awkwardness involved in that, he is a rather charming gent.

Sadly I was getting paged and pestered by my friends to hurry and get back to them so we could slosh ourselves in tequilla. So after regretfully departing the nice dommy gent I rushed to the aid of my bartenderless friends.

That just opened the widest and biggest can of worms I could ever imagine.

I went drinking with two men from my office and a great female friend. We had a lot to drink and laugh, enjoying the freedoms of boozing and mocking the office. Gent one calling him Le Dom for this. The second is T.

Le Dom and I have been having lots of drinking nights this week, late night drinking and talking, hanging out. And I was shell shocked when on one of these drunken nights he confessed that he is a dom, he know I am a sub, and that he would rather enjoy getting into my pants in a rough way.

So he and T had many connections in the process of drinking that involved talking about sex and their preferances woman wise. T is a vanilla guy from my office also someone that I am good friends with and hang out with most in the workplace, we have been great friends since I started.

So lots of sexual talk, lots of uncomfortable sexual talk because Le Dom and T would steer it towards trying to compliment me. That was trouble. But the three of us get along great so I would laugh drink more, and tell them to shut up. The three of us are big flirts so we laugh it off.

6 very very heavy boozed drinks in, and two glasses of good wine. I find you that T likes me. This shoots me out of the water and lands me in never never land. So we go and talk privately and he has liked me since day one. And is really interested in dating me. We go back to the party and drink more, have more fun. Then cab home. Him to his, me to mine and Le Dom to his.

So now what do I do? I am going to plead I was too intoxicated to remember and hide in my office as best I can.

Unfortunatly Le Dom is in my desk section and T is just a few over... I am screwed...

The tequilla did it! I am completely naive! I know nothing after the rum was gone.

I know and except that I am new to the lifestyle. I except that I am not very well versed with the ins and outs of playing the roles.

But does having to play and engage in play have to be like a bad trip to a bored dentist?

I have many flaws, I know that. The fact that I spend most of my early youth in a convent in terms. [yes scary thought I was almost a nun]

So here is some horrid truth, I know almost nothing about sex and how to go from the 'hi how are you...' to the 'So how to you like your eggs?'

I have made a few really great friends and supportive familars that I know and I am learning from. But the ones I like...the ones I want to be more then a friend too? Yeah it's like a trip to a bad dentist and no I am not into medical play so this is actually a referance to something truly unpleasant.

I have no confidence in how I am and who I am to be able to be comfortable or engaging with those I am interested. So I am stuck trying to attempt flirting and playing with a dom. Only to feel like everything I do is bashing my head against a brick wall. Secondary problem I like the gent, making it even more horridly uneasy.

I feel like a virgin on my wedding night all over again, only this time I am not intoxicated enough to ease into things.

I am really really missing being in a convent, there I could pretend that I could live without sex and all the dark and naughty things that I want.

This is so pointless....

I am slowly wading my way deeper into the lifestyle. But the culture shock is still ringing in my ears.

I guess the shock is that I can sit amoungst a really warm and charming group of people and enjoy a lovely time. But the topic of conversation is anything but tame. From all appearances we are like a club or a book meeting. But it is the subject that we are discussing that is so very very uncommon.

I am so used to the warm embracing conversations and groups that I found in my convent days. That being in a situation that was so similar but so polar opposite made my brain break a bit.

Ahh to hide in the convent once more and have my dark dreams and cravings only in my head and never a reality. So where the blind days of my youth.

But I am no longer going to hide what I am. I can no longer live a lie. I am a masocist, and a pain craver.

So it is time to hang up the rosary and close the door on the habbit.

Wish me luck....

Hmm how best to explain this. I had my first real introduction to pain, and for some reason or another it calmed me. I was so torn up and confused about a friend/dom of mine that I spoke with earlier in the evening. That when the dom/friend I am staying with, (lets call him Sir.) Suggested trying out some of the things in his box I nervously agreed. The comforting thing is there was no sex and no suggestions of it. Just a nice calm mild intro to pain and the different forms of it.

So I agreed, and after tasting the flogger, his hand and the crop. My brain calmed, the bubbling turmoils stopped. I was able to get up and focus this became less of a blurr. We talked and hugged, and life seemed right once more.

He also made it clear that sex and pain do not have to be connected. You can have someone hurt you and you do not have to fall into bed with them. Which at this point in my life is the best. Sex and intimacy are my falling points, once my heart enters the equation and I am lost. And at this point I am content not to be romantically entangled. I want to learn, make friends, and find people in my life that I value. And I know now that I can do that without the pressures of sex.

Don't get me wrong I love sex, more then I should. But once it comes into the picture I am an addicted and then my heart gets all funny..after that you can just write me off I am useless.

So it is comforting and relaxing that it does not have to be about sex, it can just be pain. I like pain, it makes my world go right once more and my brain stop churning. I am able to close my eyes and just let it wash over me and still the frantic buzzing between my ears.

Well in many ways it feels like that. I am swaying between the needs and cravings of my darker side as my conservative and more shy withheld side screams in horror. My vacation has been enlightening, and I have to say that all my hopes, dreams and kinky thoughts hit the road when the rubber, or in this case leather met it.

I have a deep habit of over thinking and re thinking everything down to it's last impossible thing. And this transition is no different.

Though I have been blessed with good friends that have shown me different sides of the lifestyle. A time and a place for it. I can still have my vanilla dreams ad career as well as the darker sinful chocolates of this life.

I just need to find my balance, the place where both can work and be. I just do not know how to vocalize what I want. I do want a dom in my life, but I guess I want them on my terms. If that can make sense. But I still want the joys and beauties of the romantic relations. I guess I need to find a cape and attempt to be a super hero. le sigh

For now, slow easy baby steps towards the shinny glittery image of pain and painful sex.

Slow steps... I think I can do this...

Well I wet my feet in the idea of the D/s.

I went out and actually met and conversed with real Doms and Subs. Can I say I am overwhelmed? Yes!

I never knew that things could be so complex. I met 2 out of the 3 doms that I made appointments with. And one submissive.

I have 3 new friends and a truckload of information that in many ways is leaving me craving the hallowed halls of the convent. I was deeply missing the sheltered hug of the nunnery that I had left behind.

Now I am finishing off my vacation in Calgary, I am staying with a dominant friend. But so far it is really slow and easy compared to the fiery crash course I left in Vancouver.

I can not say that the trip was all bad, but there is a section or two I could have if knowing then what I know now could have been done and handled differently.

But for now I have a lot of thinking and reflecting to do. I am a shy person, though I am also a social butterfly, I just need a level place to stand and this weekend I did not have that. So I must work on finding some grounding in the confusing world of D/s.

Wish me luck?

Another wild night of partying, I actually saw dawn before stumbling into my bed. Sad point though I think I am missing something about the lifestyle. I always seem to think it's like this dark little club and there is a special code or tattoo that you need to get a hook up. I know it's silly but I am really getting downtrodden on the matter that every gent I see in the bars, clubs, and pubs gives off this vanilla sex vibe. If I wanted vanilla sex I wouldn't be here. But to be honest I really would like some good sex. I guess it has been too long for me, I might just have to settle. Bother!