AlanahAnghariaed

Why I Chose To Be A Kajira:

I was young, naïve and had no idea what Gor was, what it was like to live as a Gorean, what a kajira was or why someone would want to be called a kajira.

When I met the man that I would call Master, I was still young and naïve, having no idea of what a slave was, what a Master was, what it was like to live as a slave every day, day in and day out.

I had no idea what it was like to be punished or that someone could be punished for mistakes, for pushing buttons, for being mouthy also known as talking back, deliberately not doing something you were told to do and that the punishments could be so harsh.

I learned what it was like to wear a collar twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, what a Master is, what a kajira is and why some Masters call their slaves beasts.

When my Master died in my arms, I was devastated, cried for weeks, refused to eat, refused to drink, refused to take my medications I need to take and took off to hide in a cabin we had in the woods.

Two weeks went by and a friend of my deceased Master found me in the cabin, nearly unconscious, dehydrated and very sick. He took me to the infirmary on the base, where I spent the better part of a month getting better, talking to professionals about what happened and how the way I had chosen to deal with it was not appropriate.

I begged his friend to remove the collar I had been wearing, as it was locked on and could not be removed without the key and I knew that this person had the key because that was what my Master had told me. He told me that this person had the key in case of a medical emergency and he removed the collar, I then buried it with my Master, cried more and because they did not trust me to not go back to my behaviors that had led to me being in the hospital, this person stayed with me.

I learned my foster dad was not well, returned home to Canada, got lost in the BDSM world, became a submissive to a Master who became very abusive, so I left him and moved back home with my foster family.

I continued to learn about the BDSM world, stayed as a submissive for a few years, worked my way up to being a slave and after several years, I returned to Gor and met a Master who I thought was nice but as it turned out he too was abusive. I was offered a chance to meet a Jarl in another big city and did so, however, due to a shoulder injury he returned me to the person whom I had been staying with in the small town where I now reside.

I returned back home to my apartment in my hometown, continued chatting with Jarl and another Master, the other Master moved in with me and things were going quite well, until I made the mistake of bringing a submissive girl home from one of my munches that I use to host and introduced them to each other.

They hit it off and I got pushed aside so he could “train” her but as things progressed, I noticed he was spending more and more time with her, ignoring my emails, questions when we were able to see each other because she was glued to his hip.

He had moved into a friends place, basically cut me out of his life and when I confronted him with how I was feeling, he told me that it was all in my head, that the other girl did not hate me, that he was still my Master and things got worse.

He gave me away to someone whose wife needed a top, things were going well there and then one day I was told they could not do it anymore because of various reasons that I am not going to go into.

I had seen Jarl again and when things went south at the party he had attended at this couples home, I thought he hated me, would never want to speak to me again and that I was destined to be alone.

However, that year he was doing a demo at a friends place and wanted to know if I would be his demo model, we chatted for a bit and I told him that I would be honored to be his demo model. I went to our friends place and had a great weekend there that is until someone ruined our night by saying something in the middle of the demo. That being said though, I still had a great weekend with Jarl.

We agreed to continue getting to know each other better and we did so. I had a blast spending time with him, getting to know him and him getting to know me. The following year after my hernia repair had healed, I moved in with him and his roommate, where I lived for almost two and a half years.

I begged release, moved out and into my own apartment in the same building, where we continued to talk as friends. Even after I had met what I thought would be my Master, he helped me move to the town where I now live and told me that he hoped that we would stay in touch and that I would be happy here.

When I stopped hearing from the man that was supposed to be Master, I decided to move on and although I moped about for a while, I picked myself up with the help of my former roommate and a very dear friend.

Needless to say, I have decided that although BDSM can be fun, it is NOT what I NEED. I need and crave that structure that Gor offers, even though I know the road to being the best kajira I can be is a hard one to follow.

I need and crave the discipline, structure and punishments that Gor offers. I need and crave the strong, honorable, truthful Master that has integrity, that will be strict yet fair, will hear me out when I come to him with concerns, will punish me as HE sees fit and most of all I need and crave to be at a Masters feet.

This is why I chose to become a kajira.

The Duties Of A kajira:

I have been asked time and time again by people that are trying to understand why I became a kajira and what drew me to the life of a kajira what the duties of a kajira are.

My answer to them:

• A kajira is to be pleasing in all that she says and/or does, whether or not she is with her Master and if she is unowned, she should strive that much harder to be pleasing in all that she says and/or does in order that a Master may find her worthy of becoming his.

• A kajira is not to judge anyone whether the person be Free or kajirae

• A kajira is to obey at all times

• A kajira is to accept their punishment with dignity, courage, grace and without whining, sniveling, trying to shift blame to another, without trying to twist it to suit their needs and without trying to get out of being punished

• A kajira is to take care of herself at all times

• A kajira is to keep the home in a neat and tidy fashion at all times

• A kajira is to seek medical help when need be, including dental care

• A kajira is to be willing to learn and grow, not just as a kajira, but as a person as well

• A kajira is to be as graceful as is possible in all she does

• A kajira is to see to her Masters or Mistresses needs, wants and desires at all times

• A kajira should not be jealous of other people in her Masters life, but instead should welcome them with open arms and offer them refreshment while they are in their home. She does not have to like them, but she must always be respectful towards them because how she behaves reflects upon her Master

• A kajira should remember that everything she does does and/or says reflects upon the Master be it good or bad and if a slave is doing something that will make the Master look bad, then she best be prepared to deal with the consequences of her actions. The same thing goes for if she is saying something that will reflect poorly upon her Master because again a slave is to be pleasing in all she says and/or does

• A kajira should NOT mess with HIS personal space as it is HIS space and if HE wants it cleaned, HE will tell her that it needs to be cleaned and how HE wants it cleaned

• A kajira should always tell her Master or Mistress how she is feeling, because to hide how she is feeling is to lie by omission and can get her punished

• A kajira is to take any and all medication as prescribed and on time

• A kajira should always take her medication with her in case she is not going to be home to take it on time

• A kajira should always say her mantra if she is given one

• A kajira should always respect HIS family, friends, co-workers and boss, even if she does not like them

• A kajira is to act accordingly, as a slave, her Masters slave, nothing more and nothing less

• A kajira is to protect her Master's property at any and all costs when or if the need arises

• A kajira is to complete any and all tasks assigned on time, unless otherwise agreed upon and when need be ask for clarification so that she can do them to the best of her ability

• A kajira is to always be ready to serve, no matter the time of day or night

• A kajira should be honorable, have integrity and be honest at all times

• A kajira's last words should be "Yes Master" or "Yes Mistress" depending on the gender of the Free, even when they do not agree with the Free

• A kajira is to do as she is told, when she is told and how she is told, even when it is something she does not wish to do

• A kajira is to tell her Master or Mistress when they are not well

• A kajira is to rest when instructed and not feel bad about not being able to do their normal daily routine until such time as they are well enough to do so because they are doing as their Master or Mistress wishes and that is getting better

There might be more but if there is, I will return to update this.

UPDATE: I had forgotten to add something to this list until Master Dragon reminded someone else how to address the Free. Thank You Master Dragon for the reminder.

• When addressing the Free a kajira is to say, Master (insert name), Mistress (insert name) or Jarl (insert name) when speaking with them or in written correspondence, unless told otherwise,

Updated Version of What Being a kajira means to ME:

To me a being a kajira means the following:

• Honor: Not just in our actions but also in our words.

Example: I made a promise to myself, my family and my friends that I would lose as much weight as was possible, yet not so much so that I become anorexic again.

If I become lazy and don't do what needs doing to lose weight, then when it comes to making other promises, they won't believe me because I did not have the integrity to keep my word.

Now, if something comes up that prevents me from doing so and there is proof that something came up to prevent me from losing weight, then as long as I have done what I can to lose some weight I am still keeping my word and shows that I have integrity to stand behind what i say.

• Integrity: Again, not just our actions but our words.

If you say you will do something then have the integrity to do so.

Example: If you tell someone that you are going to do something, do it.

Doing it shows the person that you have the integrity to stand behind your words and when you make a promise or tell someone you will do something, they are more than likely going to believe what you say.

• Truth: Be 100 percent honest about everything.

Example: If you are having trouble with an assignment your Master gives you, tell him that you are having trouble because if he calls you to check and see how the assignment is coming along, but can tell by the tone of your voice that you are struggling and you say that things are going well, you are lying to him and that can get you in huge trouble.

The same thing goes if he calls and you don't say anything but your tone says, "Things are going great Master," you are lying by omission and again that can get you in huge trouble.

If you have health issues and he finds out that you did not tell him, again you are lying by omission and risking your collar, let alone losing trust with your Master or Mistress.

Some will say that a kajira has no honor but I do not believe that to be true.

Being a kajira is also about learning and growing as a person and a kajira. This means that we should always try to learn something new and improve upon the things we already know by studying them again and asking questions where and when need be.

It is about being pleasing to the Free, not just our Master and/or Mistress.

While we cannot always please everyone, we can please someone.

Being pleasing in all that we say and/or do means that if we do not agree with a Free, we may be allowed to speak our mind as long as we do so respectfully, calmly and in a way that we are not arguing with them.

For example: Let's say that Master X says, "tymora you don't have any way of showing me that you had a hard time completing your exercise routine, therefore I am going to add an extra ten push ups to your routine for tomorrow."

I am allowed to say "While I do not have proof that I had a hard time doing them Master, I am also not able to do the exercises the way you wish them to be done. If I may, could I please do them to the best of my ability and when able to do them the way you wish them to be done, I will do them the way you wish me to do them."

This is not only showing him that I am trying, but that I am able to discuss things in a calm, mature, adult fashion and try to find a solution to doing them the way he wants them done.

Example 2: Master X wants me to kneel but I am not able to do so because of bad knees, so I tell him, "Master due to bad knees I am unable to kneel for extended periods of time but I am willing to kneel for as long as is possible and when it becomes too painful, I will ask permission to change positions." I then do my best to kneel in whatever position he wishes and it pleases him to see me try to do something that is hard for me to do.

I am being honest, I have the integrity to stand by my word by kneeling for as long as is possible and I am being honorable by keeping my word to kneel for him.

To me Truth, Honor and Integrity are a big part of being who I am and who I am is a kajira through and through.

Always be honest when talking to the Free, even if they are not your owner because if word gets back to them that you were not honest, you have lost their trust and it will be hard to earn it back.

Have the integrity to stand by your word when you make a promise. If something comes up that you are not able to keep your word, at least have the courage to say as much so that your integrity and honor remain in tact.

There will be more of these kind of entries in the future, however, I would like those who are new to Gor to ask questions so that I can write about what they are asking from my point of view.

Those not new to Gor are also welcome to ask me questions that will spur aka inspire me to write about things they ask.

How To Please Master:

Some will say that there is no such thing as perfection, but I firmly believe that there is such a thing as a perfect slave for each and every Master or Mistress.

A slave should not be jealous of other people in her Masters life, but instead should welcome them with open arms and offer them refreshment while they are in their home. She does not have to like them, but she must always be respectful towards them because how she behaves reflects upon her Master.

Everything a slave does and/or says reflects upon the Master be it good or bad and if a slave is doing something that will make the Master look bad, then she best be prepared to deal with the consequences of her actions. The same thing goes for if she is saying something that will reflect poorly upon her Master because again a slave is to be pleasing in all she says and/or does.

A slave should always be ready to please her Master, no matter what HE wants because it is not about her needs but is about HIS needs, wants and desires.

She should have HIS favorite drink ready when HE gets home from work if HE works outside the home, if HE works from home, she should always make sure HE has something to drink. He may not always know that HE is thirsty, but upon seeing the drink, HE will know that HIS slave is thinking of HIM at all times.

She should make sure the home is always neat and tidy, so that HE can find the things HE needs.

She should NOT mess with HIS desk as it is HIS space and if HE wants it cleaned, HE will tell her that it needs to be cleaned and how HE wants it cleaned.

She should always make sure that she is taking care of herself, not just physically but emotionally, spiritually and sexually because if she does not take care of herself, she will become a broken toy and no Master wants a broken toy.

She should always seek medical attention when she is not well and that goes for her emotional health as well as her spiritual health.

A healthy slave, makes for a happy Master and a happy slave

She should always tell HIM how she is feeling, because to hide how she is feeling is to lie by omission and can get her punished.

She should accept her punishment with dignity, grace and courage at all times because if HE sees fit to punish her, she must have done something that she was not to have done.

She should NEVER try to shift blame to someone else when being punished

She should NEVER try to get out of her punishment should Master deem fit to punish her

She should NEVER try to twist the punishment to suit her needs

She should NEVER disrespect her Master in any way shape or form

She should NEVER neglect her physical, emotional, spiritual or sexual health

If she is on any medication, she should take it as prescribed and on time

If she is on any medication, she should always take it with her in case she is not going to be home to take it on time

If her Master has given her a mantra, she should should say it as she was instructed

If her Master has given her a list of exercises to do, she should do them daily as instructed unless otherwise told or unless she is given permission to not do them

She must always be willing to learn new things to better improve herself

She must always keep herself busy, be it cleaning house, doing exercises, writing, cooking or baking

When she is not clear on any assignments or tasks given, she should ask for clarification, so that she can do them to the best of her ability

She should NEVER sass her Master

She should NEVER talk back to her Master (Some may say that this belongs with the "She should NEVER sass her Master"), but I think that the two can be separate entities

She should always respect HIS family, friends, co-workers and boss, even if she does not like them

She should always know the positions that her Master likes her to be in because HE could either use hand signals or tell her the position HE wants her to be in

If her Master has given her a list of positions to memorize, she had better know them when and if HE calls for her to be in one of them

She should NEVER hide anything from her Master

A slave should ALWAYS be transparent, meaning that no matter how big or small the problem is, she should always seek her Masters help in dealing with it

When her Master is not well, she should make sure that HE rests and has lots of fluids to get better

She should make sure HIS dinner is ready when HE is hungry or if HE works outside the home, when HE gets home

When her Master is upset about something, even if it has nothing to do with her, she should ask if there is anything that she can do to help make HIS life easier and if she is feeling neglected, she should push that aside so that she can help HIM to feel better until such time as HE is able to put HIS focus back on her

She should rest when her body tells her to and if she is not well

This is just my list of how I plan to please my Master and is in no way meant to say that your way of doing it is wrong because I know each Master/slave relationship is different and some of this may not fit into your relationship dynamic.

Abridged Version of How to Please Master:

A good slave will attend to her Masters every wish, desire and want because although it is about pleasing HIM, in return she too will be pleased when she sees the smile on HIS face, feels the gentle touch HE gives her or the kind words HE may speak when she has pleased HIM.

She should also be very transparent, meaning that she should never hide anything from HIM because to do so is to lie by omission and could get her punished.

She should always make sure that they both take care of their physical, emotional, spiritual health.

Rules of a Kajira:

The rules of a Kajira are pretty simple to some, yet they can be confusing if you are just learning and know nothing about being a Gorean slave.

The final word any kajira has is "Yes Master," or "Yes Mistress"

A kajira is to be pleasing in all she says and/or does

A kajira is to be willing to learn and grow as a slave

A kajira is to be as graceful as is possible in all she does

She is to see to her Masters or Mistresses needs, wants and desires at all times

These are in no way set in stone and do not mean that the rules you have are not good for you, but are the ones that I came up with on my own and it does not mean that I think everyone should follow these rules but they are the ones I am following.

The Power Exchange Between Master and His kajira:

The power exchange between Master and his kajira is as follows:

• In exchange for a kajira giving herself to her Master, the Master promises to guide, discipline, punish and keep the kajira safe.

• In exchange for placing her trust, heart, dreams and concerns with her Master, the kajira gets His trust, heart, dreams, desires and concerns.

• A kajira is her Master’s most prized possession, in that he keeps her safe, making sure that all her needs are met. This includes medical needs, nourishment, housing, financial, psychological, emotional and spiritual needs.

• The Master promises to help his kajira learn and grow to become the best she can be.

• In exchange for a kajira keeping nothing from her Master, he promises to never abuse her trust and confidence.

• The Master not only nourishes his kajira with food but with education, joy, happiness, and adventure and great pleasures. These pleasures may or may not be sexual pleasures, as it is up to the Master what pleasures his kajira receives, if any.

• In exchange for discussing his fears, concerns and dreams, the kajira makes them a priority and does not add stress to his life but is there to make his life easier by doing as he instructs and knows that failure to do so, will result in punishment.

• While the Master may punish his kajira, he will never allow any harm to come to her as his prized possession.

• The kajira is there to see to her Master’s every wish, desire, command, to help his dreams come to life and in exchange, he helps her with her dreams and helps her to shed the bonds that modern society has placed upon her and the way she thinks, therefore, freeing her in a sense.

• The kajira expects nothing in exchange for her service to her Master.

• The kajira in return gets satisfaction, pleasure, contentment and joy knowing that her Master is cared for, happy, successful, and loved.

• The kajira in return gets satisfaction, contentment and joy knowing that by keeping the home clean and tidy at all times, she is pleasing her Master and making his life easier by doing these things.

• In exchange for her service, the Master gives her all that she needs, whether she thinks she needs it or not and it may not always be what she thought she needs or wants, but he will never steer her wrong.

• The Master may place a collar around the kajira’s throat and in return she treats it much like a wedding ring, in that it only comes off in medical emergencies, to shower (unless it can be worn in the shower) or to sleep and even then she must have her Master`s permission to do so.

• In exchange for her service to him, the Master provides structure, rules and guidelines for the kajira to follow and when she fails to do so, he disciplines and/or punishes her.

• In exchange for her absolute obedience, exquisite beauty and being pleasing, the Master may allow his kajira sexual pleasure or give her praise. This is all of course at HIS discretion and if he chooses to do so, then that is HIS right and not hers.

• In exchange for giving up all of her very being, the Master promises to cherish, teach, guide, discipline, punish and help the kajira become free from the bonds that she had before giving up all she is to him.

• When the kajira is kneeling either in front of her Master, beside him, or greeting him at the door, she is free, in that all her worries are no longer hers to be burdened by and she is giving up all those things to him.

• He in turn will see to it that no matter what was on her mind before she knelt before him is no longer a bother to her, but will see to it that if he can, he will deal with them when he has a chance to do so.

• In exchange for submitting to him, the kajira trusts the Master to choose a name that is pleasing to him and she knows that while she may be asked for her input, the final decision is HIS and HIS alone.

• In exchange for being his kajira, the Master will punish as he sees fit but will not do so in a way that brings about harm to her and is doing so, in order that she knows her behavior was not befitting of a kajira.

• The kajira always thanks her Master for his guidance, discipline and punishment to show that she has learned from her mistakes and the lessons he is teaching her, even if she thinks she did nothing wrong but is punished, as it is HIS choice whether or not to punish her.

• In exchange for giving up all she is, the kajira trusts and knows that her Master will not punish out of anger, but will rule with a firm hand when the time is right and although he is strict, he is fair and most times will give her a chance to explain her actions before or after she is punished.

• The kajira in exchange for giving up all her fears, knows that her Master will keep her safe from all harm and that includes seeing that she knows how to protect herself at any and all costs.

• The Master provides shelter, food, clothing and anything else the slave may need in exchange for her service to him.

• The kajira will always be transparent with her Master because to do otherwise is to lie by omission and in exchange for being transparent with him, he sees to it that she knows she is cared for.

• In exchange for taking care of him, her Master will see to it that she is happy, healthy and takes care of herself when she is not well.

• The kajira’s Master is her confidant, friend, caregiver and in exchange, she makes sure that he is happy, healthy, respected, cared for, and that he knows how much she treasures being his.

What Being A Kajira Means to Me:

Being a kajira is not only being a Gorean slave, but one that lives by the natural order of things.

Please keep in mind that this is MY IDEA OF WHAT A KAJIRA IS.

she is to be pleasing in all that she says and/or does

she is to act as though her Master is with her at all times, even when she is not in his presence

she is to remember that what she says and/or does reflects not only upon herself, but also reflects upon her Master and the training she has been given

she is to please Men, even those whom she may not like because to do so is to show respect to her Master and the training he has given her

she is to be willing to learn, grow and be the best she can be at all times

she is to take punishments with dignity and grace as a good slave should, without trying to twist it to suit her needs, without trying to get out of it or trying to blame others

she is to act accordingly, as a slave, her Masters slave, nothing more and nothing less

she is to protect HIS property at any and all costs when or if the need arises

she is to keep herself busy when she is not permitted free time

she is to complete any and all tasks assigned on time, unless otherwise agreed upon

she is to reflect on what it means to be HIS slave

she is to keep a journal should her Master wish

she is to NEVER hide anything from her Master because to do so, is to lie by omission

she is to be honest at all times

she is to take care of her Masters property at all times

when she is not well, she is to tell HIM and if HE deems fit that she be on bed rest, she is to do as told and stay in bed

she is to always be ready to serve, no matter the time of day or night

she is to assume whatever position HE commands

There is probably going to be more that will come to mind, but for now this is what I FEEL it means to be a kajira.

My Idea of What a slave's purpose is, and what a slave's reason for living is, collared, or unowned:

A slave's purpose is to be found pleasing in all that he/she says, does and how they act. They are to serve their Master and/or Mistress to the best of their abilities, never questioning unless unsure of what they are being told to do. (By this I mean if said slave is told to have dinner on the table when Master and/or Mistress gets home from work, they need to make sure they know approximately what time the Master and/or Mistress will be home, so that they can have dinner on the table when He and/or She returns from work.)

A slave is to get to know her Master and/or Mistresses wishes, without ever assuming they are to anticipate the Master and/or Mistresses desires, dreams, hopes and wishes at all times. (By this I mean, learn what your Master and/or Mistresses favorite drinks, foods, movies, books, clothes, boots, shoes etc are and anticipate without assuming when they will wish these things given or brought to them.)

A slave never ever tries to shift punishment to someone else, never tries to get out of it, never lies, is always at all times honest with themselves and their Master/Mistress. (By this I mean that if you are punished for something, you do not try to place blame on someone else, take responsibility for your actions and/or words. By being honest, I mean that if you hide things from your Master and/or Mistress, you are lying by omission.)

I of all people admit I have my flaws, but accepting and acknowleding them is what counts most, a Master and/or Mistress IS NOT a mind reader, if they do not know what or how you are feeling, they can not and will not be able to help you. (By this I mean that if you do not tell them you are sick or feeling a certain way, they may assume that you are misbehaving to get attention and therefore, may punish you. It does not matter how small it is, you must always tell your Master and/or Mistress.)

A Master/Mistress can and will punish as He and/or She sees fit, including removal of a collar for which a slave "Might" get a chance to re-earn said collar, a Master/Mistress may also send said slave to a Trainer and if that happens they are to obey that Trainer as they would their Master/Mistress. (By this I mean a slave owns nothing except that which is given, even the name their Master and/or Mistress one given to the slave and the Master and/or Mistress can take it at any given time. Once a slave's name is taken, it usually means the Master and/or Mistress either does not like said name, and/or has released said slave. If you are told by said Trainer to do something, you are to address them as you would your Master and/or Mistress unless told otherwise.)

A slave is never to be hard on themselves, as that is NOT their job, It IS the Master/Mistresses job to be harsh/hard on a slave. A slave should always be proud of who they are and what they are. (By this I mean that if you screw up and beat yourself over it emotionally or physically, you are taking control of who is in charge. If you agreed to be a the slave in the home, that is the Master and/or Mistresses job to correct you when you screw up. Be it physical punishment, behavioral correction, emotional correction the job is that of the Master and/or Mistress.)

When a slave is unowned, she is to act as if she is because she never knows when the next Master and/or Mistress will come along and claim her as his or hers. If said slave screws up, take responsibility and admit that you screwed up but remember that life will throw us curveballs, what matters most is how we hit that curveball and send it flying out the park. What that means is if you handle correction/punishment/discipline correctly you will learn to not repeat the transgression that occurred and got you punished in the first place.

The above writing is just from my view as a slave and does not mean that it is for everyone but is a general form of my idea of what a slave's purpose is and while you may disagree, I think we can all agree to disagree.

Punishment and what it means to me:

When I have screwed up in a way that requires punishment, not only do I feel bad for having disobeyed one or more of Master's rules, but because I have disappointed him. When he has to punish me, not only is he punishing me, but in a way he too is being punished because I know that he would rather spend time talking, playing, snuggling or doing whatever he wishes.

When I am punished, it is meant to correct undesired behavior and/or remind me that I am to behave in a way that is pleasing to him. It is also meant to help me learn from my transgressions against him and to not repeat said transgressions again.

It is not meant to be playtime, nor it is meant to be fun because if it was fun, it would not be punishment and I would not learn from my mistakes/transgressions.

I know that his goal when punishing me is to remind me that I am slave and he is Master, that I can and will obey without question unless I am not sure what it is he is asking of me.

For me, I would rather see the smile on his face or hear the happy tone in his voice than to see the look of disappointment or hear the tone of disappointment in his voice.

Punishment is not to be dealt out in anger and should be done with a clear head, one that is not full of other thoughts at the time.

While there are times a slave does not remember why she is being punished, it is usually discussed either before or after punishment is dealt with.

I know why I am to be punished the next time I see Master and I gratefully accept said punishment because I am the one who screwed up and need to be reminded that hiding my feelings from him does not help him to help me overcome them. I also know that when told to take it easy and let the healing process happen in it's own time, that is what I am to do, but this time round I did not and I gratefully accept whatever punishment Master hands down.

It not only helps me to remember I am HIS slave, that I have an obligation to take care of HIS property, but it also helps to cleanse the soul and not leave lingering feelings of regret or disappointment on my side.

These are just my thoughts and feelings on what punishment is and what it means to me to be punished...YMMV..YVMV

I Am NOT Broken:

The following things are what make me, me and I wouldn't change any of them for anything.

My Homocystinuria is under control as long as I have my Vitamin B6 and Folic Acid and I have NOT had any blood clots, strokes or heart attacks.

This does not mean that I am broken, just that the Gods and Goddesses made me different from others and there is nothing wrong with me that needs to be fixed.

I DO NOT NEED FIXING, as I am NOT broken.

Asperger's Syndrome:

A form of autism

People with asperger's can lack social skills, may not understand boundaries and may rock when over stimulated

They may wave their hands about when excited or over stimulated and may shout when excited

Some people with asperger's have trouble making eye contact, can sometimes have trouble with movements (they may seem awkward)

They may have trouble controlling their emotions. They may laugh, cry or yell at the wrong time

They may sound upset due to a change in tone of voice, but may not realize their tone changed and they may not be upset at all

Some people with asperger's prefer repetitive tasks, while others prefer to multi task

They may get frustrated easily and act out or try to shut down (I tend to shut down at times)

Homocystinuria:

More susceptible to heart attacks, strokes and blood clots than the average person

It is an inherited autosomal recessive trait

Metabolism is slower than the average person

I had subluxation of my lenses, causing me to have them removed at a young age, leaving me legally blind without glasses or contacts

In 1989 Dr. Robert Mitchell told mom and I that he could sew artificial lenses in my eyes and now I wear glasses for reading, writing, playing games on and off the computer, computer time and watching tv

Some people suffer mental retardation and long limbs (I only have the long limbs according to the endocrinologist and show no signs of mental retardation)

They suffer with high arches in their feet

Adult ADD/ADHD:

People with adult ADD/ADHD may zone out, often without realizing they are doing so.

They may get distracted or have trouble focusing

May over look details

May have a hard time remembering conversations

May get absorbed in something that interests them and they find rewarding

May lose track of time

Trouble finishing projects, forget appointments or deadlines, lose or may misplace things

Easily flustered, stressed out, trouble staying motivated, hypersensitivity to criticism, short, often explosive temper, low self esteem and sense of insecurity

Get bored easily, doing a million things at once.

Moderate Dyslexia:

Often restless

Poor memory skills

Difficulty remembering what was read

Slow reading

Forgetting directions

Time management problems

Difficulty understanding what was read (For me it depends on what I am reading as to whether or not I understand it)

Depends on digital watches

Difficulty in concentrating (Depends on what I am doing)

Often mix up numbers and/or letters

Easily flustered

Have difficulty with math

PTSD:

Anxiety disorder

Survivor's guilt

Nightmares

Night sweats

May be on edge

May appear nervous or frightened

Fear of certain things (Maglite flashlights, having my feet touched, being bound to the bed and left, loud noises, raised voice, feeling a hand on or near my throat)

May avoid certain things, places or people

Forgetting the order in which things happened

Difficulty sleeping or staying asleep

Hyper-vigilance

Exaggerated startle response

So as you can see not only do I have these things, but I understand how they affect me and my daily life.  I am NOT broken and do NOT need fixing, as the Gods and Goddesses made me the way I am because if we all fit the same mold, then life would be boring and I'd not be special.

• http://www.createspace.com/3915163

• http://www.createspace.com/3920800

• http://www.createspace.com/3965833

• http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/113255

• http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/121817

• http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/128924

• http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/214645

• http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/501279

• http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/551953

• http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00QVN2I50

• http://www.amazon.com/dp/1630000361

• http://www.amazon.com/dp/B008EWZNVC

• http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00QUWPKAM

• http://www.amazon.com/dp/B008XL6W4Q

How to Effectively Communicate With Your Partner, Friends and Family:

Greetings Masters, Mistresses, slave, subs, kajirae:

This post is how "I FEEL" is a great way to communicate with anyone in your life, whether or not that person is your Master, Mistress, Top, Dom, Domme, slave, sub, kajira etc.

• Explain in a calm, cool and collective manner that you need to speak with that person.

• Shut off ALL electronics (unless you have a padawan that you are using a baby monitor for, at which point that is the only thing that should be on)

• Sit down across from the person you wish to speak with and remain calm at all times

• Use statements like "I FEEL" (insert feeling) when (insert incident) and explain why YOU FEEL that way.

• For the person listening, Please DO NOT interrupt your partner

• For the person speaking, remain calm no matter what happens

• For the person listening, when the party speaking is finished talking, make sure to use your own words to see if you are hearing what the person speaking was conveying to you

• For the person that was speaking, DO NOT get upset if they don't understand what you are trying to say

• For the person that was speaking, ask if you could please try to explain again and do so calmly, collectively and rationally

• For the person who was listening, try again using your own words to express what you think the person speaking was trying to say

• For the person that was speaking, let them finish what they are saying and then ask if they have anything they would like to talk about

• For the person that was speaking, if they do have something they would like to talk about, PLEASE DO NOT interrupt them while they are speaking

• For the person now listening, when the person speaking is finished, using your own words try to tell them what you think they were saying

• For the second person that spoke, do not get upset if they are getting what you are trying to say wrong, but try to explain it again and remain as calm as possible using the "I FEEL" statements

• Once you have agreed that you were both correct in what you thought the other was saying, see if you can come to a compromise and stick to it.

• If you have trouble talking about your feelings, thoughts, fears, concerns etc, then journal it using the "I FEEL" statements and ask that the person whom you are trying to communicate with read it when they have time and that SHOULD hopefully help you fix any problems that arise.

This entry was not a task from anyone, but something that just came to me while relaxing and watching tv tonight. I hope that you find it helpful and that you will continue to use it in any relationship you may be in.

If you wish to use any part of this in your writing, please make sure to ask me first as this is what has worked for me thus far and I am grateful that my dad told me, "It's NOT what you say, but HOW you say it that matters."

My answer is simple:

• Cry (Goddess knows I have done my share of that and it helps cleanse our soul when we cry)

• Get mad (Just do so constructively and not destructively)

• Do something nice for yourself (Hair, nails, make up and go out on the town for a bit, soak in a hot bubble bath with candles and your favorite music, block out the rest of the world if possible for a bit and soak, relax and let the stress melt away or if you can afford it go to the spa and have a spa day)

• Forgive those who hurt you

• Learn a new hobby

• Take a class of some sort if you can

• Read (It can be the Gor books, a romance novel, poetry or whatever you like to read)

• Write (As a writer, I can say that it can be a good way to release whatever you are feeling. I know that sometimes when something bad has happened I incorporate it into one of my books... Something I will be getting back to soon)

• Listen to uplifting music (not this cry in my beer crap because that will only make you more depressed)

• Go for a walk

• If you can, exercise

• Beat a pillow or the bed (hey they get beat when we go to bed and/or have sex..lol)

• Meet up with a friend for coffee or have them come over for a coffee (or your drink of choice if you don't do coffee)

• If unemployed, look for a job (Only do this if you are able to work or the doc clears you to work)

• If employed outside the home, continue going to work and go to lunch with a co-worker if possible

• If you work in the home, immerse yourself in your work to keep your mind occupied on anything but the person that you are no longer with

• Dance (Who cares how stupid you think you look, this also helps the padawans if you have any, learn that dancing is a good way to exercise and get rid of pent up energy)

• My favorite thing to do in spring, summer and early fall, is to go to the park, find a swing and swing, tilting my head back and looking up at the sky

• Lay on a blanket and watch the clouds (Only do this if you live in a warm climate around winter time, as you don't want to freeze. Do it during spring, summer and early fall)

• Lay on a blanket and watch the stars (Again, do this when weather permits)

• Play games on the computer

• Go to the pool and swim a few laps

• Go to the gym and work out if you are able to

• Clean house like you've never cleaned it before

• Bake something, if you can

• Make up a bunch of meals to freeze (This way when you don't want to cook, you can just heat it up)

• If you know how to sew, make something (a blanket, slave silks, pants, a skirt, a top..anything)

• In winter, dress warm and throw snowballs at your friends... This should hopefully get you laughing and you'll forget what you were upset about, or you could get a bunch of people together and make snow angels, a snow fort.. anything to keep your mind occupied.

• In the spring, summer and early fall (providing it rains in early fall wherever you live) jump in puddles and show the world that "Yeah, I'm a big kid but I'm having fun" and believe me when I say "It helps melt the stress away" because it does... (My daughter taught me this almost 14 years ago now)

Basically what I am saying...Keep yourself BUSY and you let time be your best friend. Do NOT rush into a new relationship because it will be a rebound relationship and that is not fair to you or the person you want to be in a relationship with.

March 8, 2014

I've not written in a few days and that is because my hip has been bothering me and I've been in a lot of pain so sitting for too long is not a good thing when it comes to writing in my journal.

I have also not done any exercise other than what I can around the house because of being in so much pain.

I hope to get back to exercising on Monday at the latest, but it depends on how my hip is and if I have to go see the doctor about it or not.

I had a very short job interview yesterday and am hoping to hear back from them by no later than Wednesday as to whether or not I got the job. If I do get the job, I will have to tell them that dad is in the hospital and that I have plans set in stone to go to Calgary for two weeks so that I can say my goodbyes in case something happens between the time I go and upon my return.

March 5, 2014

Not much to write today really... Didn't sleep so good last night and am hoping to sleep tonight.

March 4, 2014

Been a long day and a day of fighting to get myself back into the swing of things school wise because I had so much time off while in Calgary dealing with my family emergency.

Dad is sedated daily now and although he does wake up to eat, there are days where he does not want anything to do with food at all, so at the end of the month, I am going back to Calgary and am going to go see him.

While I am there this time, I plan to tell him that he does not have to hang on any more and that if he is ready to go meet my biological mom with the Gods and Goddesses, that he should go.

It will kill me to tell him this but it is better than seeing him sedated most of the time and him not knowing who we are, getting frustrated and then aggressive with the staff. I would rather that he not hang on just because he knows it will hurt me to see him go because he is not the same person I grew up knowing.

Okay, I'm sorry folks but I have to stop as I am starting to cry and can barely see straight.

March 3, 2014

I managed to do four sets of seven minutes on the stepper today and am proud of myself because even though the last two minutes were burning my thighs each set, I did not stop.

Instead I pushed myself to keep going and make sure that I amped it up a bit during my workout.

I was a bit closer today with my calorie intake and I know that if I go over one day this week it won't hurt too much, as long as I do not make it a daily habit of overdoing it.

I hope that everyone has a good night and that you are staying warm.

March 2, 2014

I had a semi productive day today, in that I got all my laundry done, did some stretching and did six minutes on the stepper today. Tomorrow I will do more than one set of six minutes but today I was not feeling all that great, so wanted to get the laundry done and be able to go to bed feeling good about my accomplishments.

I had a good dinner, a healthy one at that. This makes two healthy dinners that I have had this week.

Not much else to write about tonight.

Stand Together Against Bullying (Facebook) (March 1, 2014)

I was bullied as a kid because of the glasses I use to wear and each time I got teased about them, I would take them off and smash them on the way home.

I use to wear the old style coke bottle type glasses and would get called all kinds of nasty names from Four Eyed Freak, Four Eyed Freak from Mars and others.

It wasn't until I got tired of being bullied that I started to fight back and was one day called into the principal's office because I had fought back against one of the bullies. He went to his parents and told them that I beat him up, but did not tell them why I started fighting back.

When the principal found out and our parents were called in, the parents of the other child said and I quote "Our son would never do that," to which my dad replied that I was a good kid and would never get into a fight unless provoked because that is how he raised me.

The other kid finally came clean and told everyone what he had done and why, was given a two week suspension. This all happened when I was about 8 or 9 years old and to this day I remember what happened, how I felt and how it made my dad feel to hear that his baby had been bullied.

I have taught my kids to not allow anyone to bullythem and not to be a bully because it not only hurts physically but emotionally and that I did not want them being known as bullies.

My daughter was bullied for a while and when I told the teachers about it, it stopped and the parents of the other child were warned that if it happend again, he would be expelled from school.

My daughter was in kindergarten and this other kid was in grade two.

Please step up and speak out against bullying. Cyber bullying is just as bad as being bullied in person and with all the things I hear on the news and on Homemake Over Special Edition, it saddens me to hear that kids are taking their lives because they are being bullied.

Please teach your kids that bullying is wrong and tell them what to do if they find

themselves being bullied.

Thank you,

A Caring and Concerned Mom

Day 28:

For those of you who have been following my journal entries I thank you for the kind words of support and understanding. Those of you who know me, know that I rarely if ever ask for help and that when I do it is because I know I can't do something on my own.

I am asking that you send positive energies to my dad and the rest of us in our time of need.

I don't ever remember my dad being sick like this or having a violent bone in his body. I do remember the one time he went to hit me and I told him that if he ever did, it would be the last thing he did because I would lay him out flat and then call the police. He never raised a hand to me again after that.

One thing about Dementia and/or Alzheimer's is that they are not very well understood diseases and there are a range of issues that can arise from them.

The following website has a good bit of information on it about both Dementia and Alzheimer's.

http://www.alz.org/alzheimers_disease_what_is_alzhe…

This is what gets me: Alzheimer's worsens over time. Alzheimer's is a progressive disease, where dementia symptoms gradually worsen over a number of years. In its early stages, memory loss is mild, but with late-stage Alzheimer's, individuals lose the ability to carry on a conversation and respond to their environment. Alzheimer's is the sixth leading cause of death in the United States. Those with Alzheimer's live an average of eight years after their symptoms become noticeable to others, but survival can range from four to 20 years, depending on age and other health conditions.

My dad has conversations with people that are not there, talks about the past as if it is happening today and one thing that so far I have not seen mentioned but can happen, is that my dad gets aggressive with family and staff. He does not mean to but sadly with patients like my dad, it can happen and it is because they are confused, startled and scared.

Alzheimer's has no current cure, but treatments for symptoms are available and research continues. Although current Alzheimer's treatments cannot stop Alzheimer's from progressing, they can temporarily slow the worsening of dementia symptoms and improve quality of life for those with Alzheimer's and their caregivers. Today, there is a worldwide effort under way to find better ways to treat the disease, delay its onset, and prevent it from developing.

The treatments are great if you can get the patient to take the medication, but with my dad, even if they take the capsules apart and mix the powder into his food, there is no gaurantee that he will take it because he does not always want to eat and with them sedating him, he does not always get to eat because he is sleeping so much.

Stage 6: Severe cognitive decline

(Moderately severe or mid-stage Alzheimer's disease)

Memory continues to worsen, personality changes may take place and individuals need extensive help with daily activities. At this stage, individuals may: Lose awareness of recent experiences as well as of their surroundings

Remember their own name but have difficulty with their personal history

Remember: It is difficult to place a person with Alzheimer's in a specific stage as stages may overlap.

Distinguish familiar and unfamiliar faces but have trouble remembering the name of a spouse or caregiver.

Need help dressing properly and may, without supervision, make mistakes such as putting pajamas over daytime clothes or shoes on the wrong feet

Experience major changes in sleep patterns — sleeping during the day and becoming restless at night

Need help handling details of toileting (for example, flushing the toilet, wiping or disposing of tissue properly)

Have increasingly frequent trouble controlling their bladder or bowels

Experience major personality and behavioral changes, including suspiciousness and delusions (such as believing that their caregiver is an impostor)or compulsive, repetitive behavior like hand-wringing or tissue shredding

Tend to wander or become lost

This stage is where my dad is at right now and he is slowly heading to the final stage, which really scares me because that means that it won't be long before he goes to meet the Gods and Goddesses. I am not ready to lose my dad and I know that when that day comes, I won't be able to function without the help and guidance of family and friends.

I also suggest reading the information found in the following link:

http://www.alz.org/braintour/3_main_parts.asp

Day 27:

Not a good day other than getting a great massage from my masseusse.

I did not sleep worth spit last night, dad has had to be sedated again and it's just been an emotional day.

To top that off, the weather is yucky again.

Woke up with the mother of all mother of migraines too, so yeah not a good day.

Day 26:

I am writing this today because I forgot to write yesterday. Truth be told, I just wanted to take a day for myself to relax and not feel pressured to do anything other than relax and talk to friends.

I came home to Red Deer yesterday and as much as I am glad to be home, I am kind of wishing I had stayed in Calgary to be close to my dad. That being said though, I know that if anything happens to my dad, that my uncle, aunt or brother will call and let me know.

I don't want to write any more so am going to leave it at this:

I "MIGHT" be looking for a place to live again.

Day 25:

Long day and am ready for bed but don't want to go this early...LOL

Not a good day for dad.

Heading home tomorrow and am looking forward to my own bed... :D

Day 23:

I went to see my dad and although the visit started out rough, the rest of the visit went quite well.

I got the following email and as you can see my response was not rude or disrespectful in the least.. After I sent my reply, the reply he sent was very nasty and has since been reported, but only after I tried to respond to him and finding out that he has blocked me, so I have also blocked him.

LADIES PLEASE BE CAREFUL OF THIS DOUCHEBAG BECAUSE HE IS A RACIST, A BIGOT AND OBVIOUSLY DOES NOT KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A DOMINANT.

From:  A Dom

Dated: 2/22/14 11:50 PM       

            hello slave

Day 24:

I got three walks in today and am proud of myself for doing so. I go see my dad tomorrow and head back home on Wed. I can't wait to sleep in my own bed..LOL

Day 22:

Today was a lazy day for me, in that I was awake early but went back to sleep for a bit, then just laid in bed until quarter after eleven this morning. I got up, did the dishes, cleaned up the counter, emptied the dishwasher and made dinner for everyone.

I helped a friend paint his nails for bully awareness month and we joked about him being a football player, which makes it weird for me because I have never painted a guy's nails other than a few friends who are gay.

I have also had three drinks, one of which would be considered two or three drinks for me, so technically I had three but non-technically I had six drinks and am starting to feel a slight buzz.

I had two plates of dinner and did not yet have my salad but I will be shortly because I want to eat it before I go to bed for the night.

Day 21:

Not much to write today, as I had a day for myself because I know that is important, especially seeing that the first week I was here, I spent every day seeing my dad at the hospital and it has finally caught up to me.

I am going to be heading home next wednesday or thursday, as I miss my bed and what friends I have there. I also miss my roommate and neighbor a lot.

I think it is going to be a long trip home, as I will be worrying about my dad but I also know that if anything happens again, my brother, aunt or uncle will contact me and let me know what is going on.

It was great to see them yesterday, even though the visit was not long enough for my liking but I know they all had to get back to work and that they were going to see dad today.

I am thinking I might go see dad tomorrow or Monday and then tuesday I will be at the hotel, so won't be able to see him again until the next time I am in Calgary, which if all goes well will be april or may.

I will make sure to let my aunt and uncle know that I am heading back next week and that I will keep in touch with them every other day and that if something happens to dad, that they can call me day or night and will make sure that they have the house number as well as my cell number.

Day 20:

Day 19:

Not in the mood to write today.

Day 18:

Day 17:

Days 11-16:

It's been a week since I last wrote but that was because of not having any internet where I was staying and due to a family emergency.

I'm not sure how much weight I have lost, but I know that I have lost a bit more since being in Calgary to see my dad and I know that some of that is stress that has caused me to lose more weight.

My dad is not doing so well and I know that it is only a matter of time before he passes away. He said yesterday that he can't do this any more and when I asked what he can't do, he said that he can't live like this any more. I know it is the Alzheimer's/Dementia that he is talking about and as hard as it is, I know that if he feels this way, that it is for the best that we let him go.

I am slowly getting closer to my brother, my uncle and his new wife. We all agreed that if dad is sleeping when we get there, to let him sleep and this way, hopefully he will have a good day instead of being so agitated, like he is when he gets woken up.

Day 10: 

Found out my dad is in hospital in my hometown so am heading there today and will be gone until March 1st hopefully no later than that but if dad is still among us then I may stay until he passes away.

Not able to do my exercises today but am sure my Trainer will understand.

Will post a quick note to let all who know me how dad is doing and what is going on.

Day 9:

Today was a rough start to the day. I hopped on the scale and found that I had gained two pounds this past week but after doing some research I learned that it is normal to put on water weight when exercising for the first time, or when you've not exercised in quite some time. The water helps keep the muscles and your body hydrated, so because your body can and usually does retain water, you will naturally gain a few pounds.

They say after a couple of weeks your body won't do that as much as when you first started out and that it will be well worth the effort if you don't quit. Believe me though, I have no intentions of quitting but I won't be able to excercise in the same fashion as I am here at home when I go to visit family and friends in my hometown because I am not lugging that stepper with me.

I did a thirty minute walk and thirty minutes on the stepper burning about 141 calories, which made me feel really good, although I would rather have known how cold it was out there ahead of time so that I could dress properly...lol

Overall feeling today: Proud of myself for not giving up no matter how hard it may be.

Day 8: 

Today was a pretty good day. Rolled out of bed even though I didn't want to get up, had some coffee, checked emails, replied to emails, did ten minutes on the stepper, had lunch, drank a bunch of water, did another ten minutes on the stepper and had a snack.

Talked to my daughter, did some laundry, drank more water, talked to my daughter a second time, watched tv while I waited for my dinner to heat up in the microwave. I had left over stir fry for dinner tonight and a bunch more water.

I burned off 132.4 calories today and even pushed myself the last ten minutes on the stepper for the day.. I decided at the 9 minute mark if my legs are not burning too badly, that I will pick up the pace a bit and on Monday will make to 11 minutes for a few days then keep upping it as I feel I can handle it.

My yoga pants are getting bigger, so that's a good thing, or at least I think it is...LOL

Well so much for my night being  a good one... 

I got a nasty email from someone who shall for the sake of the TOU not be named, which pissed me off and made me decide to post an update to my journal entry.

If you can't handle that I have a Mentor who lives in the United Kingdom(England) and a Trainer then do NOT bother emailing me.

I am not owned by anyone and I have a right to have male DOMINANT friends if I so choose. Do NOT tell me that because I have a Mentor (Again, HE lives in England) and a Trainer that is making sure I take care of my health and well being until such time as I find a Master and/or Daddy you think I have too many Masters in my life.

Day 7: 

Today was a good day. I got a lot accomplished with regards to school and if my instructor does not check the facts in the re-write of the story I did and realize I did make it about the future, I will have no choice but to go over her head.

I feel really good today because I got in two walks, two sets of 15 minutes on the stepper and managed to watch what I eat.

The true test will come when I weigh myself on Sunday..

Today not including the walks, I burned 121.4 calories.

I have been told it is okay to drop down to three sets of 10 minutes each and every other day add 1 minute to that until I can do it without feeling like it is killing me..

I made a stir fry with beef, minced garlic, peppers, rice, onions, carrots, cabbage, sweet chili tai sauce, a bit of sweet n sour sauce. Although the rice was not cooked properly, I think I did pretty good with dinner and my portion control was not off by much with regards to the rice.

Going to sleep like an angel again tonight hopefully.

Today is the first day in a long time that I feel good about myself and I'm hoping that this feeling lasts because I like this feeling. I don't like feeling mopey, depressed, worried and/or stressed and am glad that I have finally gotten a grip on my weight and portion control, even if I do fuck up on occasion.

Day 6:

Talk about an interesting day. I got home from being out at a friends place last night and instead of doing school work right away, I opted to check emails and messages from friends on yahoo.

When I went to use my stepper the first time today, the calorie counter stopped working and the second time I used it, the bolt moved and decided it was not going to move back.

The calorie counter not working is fine, however, the bolt deciding it is not shifting back to where I want and need it to be is a royal pain in the arse because now I have to spend time fixing it, so that I can use it and continue with my weight loss goal.

I did better today with portion control than I did yesterday, but I still feel bad about screwing up and yes I realize it will happen on occasion but that does not mean I am happy about it.

Day 5:

I am writing this, this morning because I was not at the computer last night but am proud of myself for doing what I can to lose weight.

I burned 215.4 calories yesterday and did pretty good with my portion control until I had dinner last night.. Then I slipped up but will make up for it today, (Day 6).

Day 4:

I am very proud of myself today, because although the 15 minute increments were hard to do, I kept to my promise to do three sets of 15 minutes and I burned off a total of 219.8 calories.

I had one glass of crystal light, 13 cups of water and four coffees, two helpings of coleslaw and two whole wheat buns with chicken, tomatoes and a bit of margarine for dinner. For lunch, and yes I know it was not much, but it was something..I had three carrots.

My thighs are a bit tender, but I know that over the next week or so they will get stronger and I will be able to push myself to do more than 15 minutes three times a day.

I am also working out my arms, as I have the resistance bands that are attached to the stepper via carabineers, so that I can hopefully tone up my arms a bit before I head off to Calgary in a couple weeks.

I have lost a total of seven pounds in this past week and am starting to feel better about myself, where I want to go and can look back at this past year, think to myself "What the fuck was your problem girl?, you had a stepper and did not use it much if at all and now you have someone pushing you to do it, you decide "Okay, I'm going to do it?"

Funny how we can look back at things and think "What the fuck was I waiting for?" or "Why the fuck didn't I start this sooner?"

I am Alanah Anghariaed and I am strong
I am Alanah Anghariaed and I will go on
My soul is Tracy and she will grow

This is my personal mantra to help me keep going along with my weight loss mantra

which is as follows:

Proud and Strong:

I am proud

I am strong

I will do this

Nothing will stand in my way

I will exercise daily when possible

I will NOT push myself too hard

I will NOT weigh myself more than twice a week

I am proud

I am strong

I WILL DO THIS!!!!!!!!!

Day 3:  

Not really feeling in the mood to write but will at least write about my day. 

Got up around 8am, had a couple cups of coffee, checked , collarme and all my emails, returned those that needed a reply right away and others I left until my head is clear. 

I got a really nice email from a friend, that made my day and for that I say thank you, it meant a lot to hear that from you. I did up the last of the laundry, dishes, made my bed, did ten minutes on the stepper, went for a walk and will not do that again any time soon as it is freezing fucking cold out there, came home, printed off a couple of stories for my class and had dinner. 

I am wondering how it is that there are a mess load of doms that read ads, but don't read the profile of the OP and message them about moving when it is in the profile that they are not willing to move from their home town, province, state or whatever, but they bitch about not finding a girl?

Day Two:  

Today is day two of my daily entries and I am very proud to say that I have lost six pounds this past week. Whoever finds the six pounds can blinking well keep it because it is hard enough for me to lose weight without having to worry about it coming back. 

I was a bad girl and did not go for a walk or use my stepper today but I did get rid of a lot of clothes that are either way too big for me, I don't like how they look on me now or they are too small and I don't think they will look good on me after I lose more weight. 

I did good with my portion control today though and am very proud of myself for doing so. A friend made a really good beef stroganoff, steamed vegetables and some curly pasta. I managed to have one plate with pasta, vegetables and meat sauce, where as I usually would have had two plates and then desert. 

I have been drinking a hell of a lot more water than I use to and am glad that I did some research about the benefits of drinking water. Not only does water help aid in weight loss, it also reduces the risk of heart attack and stroke when drinking it before bed, it also helps stop cramps in your legs, arms, back, thighs and stomach. 

I am very proud of myself and can already feel the difference in myself from a month ago, let alone a year ago.

Day One:  

Today is the first day of my daily entries and it is with great pleasure that I can say I am no longer smoking and am on a daily routine to work on losing more weight. 

I will be going for walks and using my mini stepper as much as is possible to help me lose a few pounds before I go to Calgary to see my dad and a few friends. 

I am talking with a few dominants in Calgary and one of them is working with me using hypnosis to help me with a few things I need and want to work on. Those of you who know me, know that I have a few fears that I don't want to stop me from submitting the way I know I can, without any fears of having my feelings used against me and be able to handle someone touching my feet once again. 

Some of you may think that the hypnosis may not help me or you may not believe in it, but please do not make any disparaging remarks with regards to this because I feel strongly about this working for me and am hoping that it will help me with the things I want to work on.

If you read something in my profile or here in my writings and view it as making threats to someone, then you really need to get a life.

No where in my profile or writings do I threaten anyone. I have never sent a threatening email on here or any other site, because that is against the T.O.S. of this site and many others.

I may have said something along the lines of now you can bend over and take my foot up your ass, but if I did it is because the person it was sent to deserved it, was a total and complete jackass or "special little snowflake" that needed to learn that just because I am a slave does NOT mean I will lay down and take bullshit from those who claim to be dominant.

RESPECT ME OR GET WHAT I DISH OUT IN RETURN.

I just love how someone randomly sends you an email saying "I like your profile and I'd love to fist your cunt," yet when you reply they are not big enough to read the reply despite the fact that you are being polite enough to respond to the message they sent you in the first place.

DO NOT Contact me if you are not going to A: Read my emails, B: Reply or C: BOTH.

Greetings everyone:

For a lot of us both here in Canada and The United States, the twelvth anniversary is going to be an emotional one due to all the lives lost. That day Binladen sent soldiers to attack The United States and then hid like a coward until he was recently found and shot dead.

The Heroes of that day are as follows:

Those who were in the tower helping others out

Fire Personel

Police Officers

Emergency Medical Teams

The selfless amount of volunteers who went to Ground Zero and helped to look for survivors.

The families of those who lost loved ones.

A Nation that values Freedom and did not cower to the will of Binladen as he had hoped they would.

The People of United Airlines Flight 93, who put their lives on the line stop the hijackers.

The People of the Pentagon

The President for not wanting to be elsewhere, but to be where he felt he could do the most for his fellow Americans.

The Mayor of New York Rudy Giuliani

And so many more heroes are to be remembered that day. Those heroes are as follows:

The soldiers who were, are and will be fighting in Iraq and other areas.

The soldiers who fought for our countries, so that we could have our freedom, happiness, homes, food, clothing and other things we sometimes take for granted. I am a proud granddaughter of a WWII Vet that lost half his arm fighting to protect his loved ones in England, at the time he was not of legal age to fight, so he forged his mom's signature on the papers and fought for his country.

My father was in the Queens Navy in England and I am also proud of him for doing what he did and fighting for his country, loved ones and fellow country men and women.

The Soldiers that are selflessly giving themselves over to protect their country, homes, families, children, the freedom we have, our liberties and health.

The Navy, Marines, Army and other Military personel are people whom I gladly stand beside, behind and if asked would stand in front of them in honour of what they do so we don't have to.

I lost a loved one that day and to me he is a hero because he helped save a pregnant lady who named her son after him. It was a day of mourning, loss, anger, fear, and yet it brought a lot of us together at the same time.

Please remember those who died that day, Those who are serving their country/countries and those who survived that horrific day.

I will be doing a special show on DenRadioNetwork on irc.bondage.com in the room

The link to listen is: http://174.142.131.161:8010/listen.pls (You may have to remove the /listen.pls to get it working in your player) I am doing a special show that day for all the soldiers. Past, Present and Future.

Where I am at in life:

I am currently taking classes to get my grade 12 and not my g.e.d. because I want the actual grade 12 diploma and not something that does not challenge my brain.

I am 45 years old, looking for nothing but friends and should that change, then I will update my profile to say as much.

I struggle with some of my courses but that is a good thing because it keeps me on my toes and challenges me to think outside the box when it comes to problem solving.

If you have any questions I will answer them unless they are too personal at which point I will simply state: "I am not answering this," and if you push for an answer you will be met with a mouth like a trucker, sailor and soldier because that is who and what I am.......... A Mouthy little bitch when it comes to being pushed to answer questions that I do not wish to answer and if after you have met that side of me and you keep pushing, you will find yourself blocked........

AND THAT IS WHERE I AM IN LIFE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

I find it funny that when you are asking a question and telling someone that the people you know are not into that persons kink, that you are imposing your opinion where you are not allowed to do so.

SORRY, BUT YOU DON'T OWN ME......... I HAVE A RIGHT TO ANSWER QUESTIONS AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY QUESTION FINE, BUT DON'T BE A SNOT NOSE LIL BRAT THAT ACCUSES ME OF IMPOSING MY OPINION WHERE IT IS NOT WANTED AND WHERE I HAD NO RIGHT TO FUCKING POST IT..............

I WILL POST WHERE I WANT, WHEN I WANT AND HOW I WANT BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT THE T.O.S. OF THIS SITE ARE AND I DO NOT VIOLATE THEM, UNLIKE NUMEROUS MEN HERE.

DON'T LIKE WHAT I HAVE TO SAY THEN LOOK THE OTHER WAY.

Questions I am asking, when looking for a Master/Daddy:

 
How do You wish to punish me when I have been found displeasing?

Are you willing to help me work through any fears or concerns that may arise during our relationship?

Will you expect me to work or may I go to school?

If you expect me to work will I be permitted to keep some of the funds set aside should you release me?

If I am permitted to go to school, will I be allowed to attend full time or will I only be permitted part time classes?

Will you allow me to remain in contact with my friends and family on a regular basis?

If a family emergency arises will I be permitted to attend and do what I can to help?

If you collar me, would I be required to speak third person or use little girl talk?

If required to speak third person or little girl talk and I slip up will I be given a grace period or be punished immediately?

If I am not permitted to attend school or to work, will I be kept chained in the house while tending to the your needs and the daily chores?

If not permitted to attend school or work as your babygirl, what will be expected of me when I am at home?

Will I be expected to keep a journal? if so will it be a daily thing or weekly?

if so, will I be permitted to not write in it for a period of time?

Will there be any times I will not be expected to write in my journal?

Will I be punished for not writing in my journal should You wish me to keep one?

Do You believe in open, honest communication?

What happens if there is something bothering me and I am unable to speak about it at that particular time?

Will You give me a chance to think things through or will You demand an answer right away?

What are Your favorite kinds of toys?

What are YOUR limits?

What do You like to do for relaxation time?

What are Your dislikes?

What are Your likes?

Greetings:

Today was a semi productive day, in that I was able to write five full pages of book number four and was closer today in regards to my calorie intake than I was yesterday.

I hope you all had a great weekend and that this week goes by fast, but not too fast.

Greetings:

Greetings:

After finding out my niece in New York is in hospital with cancer, I sat down and sobbed so badly that I ended up with a migraine, then went to bed and slept like a baby.

Not much else to write tonight

Greetings:

Talk about running around like a chicken with your head cut off...LOL

I went out to the bank, then to get my id changed over to my maiden name, then to the bank, back to the registry office as the first time I was there the computers were down, went for coffee, went to the corner store and finally home to pay bills.

Only one thing left to do and that can wait until tomorrow sometime. 

Wishing all a great weekend.

Nothing to say tonight.

Greetings:

Last night was a very bad night and not one I intend to ever repeat again.  Let's just say be careful who you call friend... lol

Tonight I'm dj'ing live and am having a blast doing so.

I managed to get some of my book edited but ran into major writers block so am taking the night off from doing that, but shall return to it soon.

Greetings:

After a rough weekend I have decided that I really need to get a grip on my temper and the following is how I intend to do so.

My goals to keeping my temper in check are as follows:

1: Take slow deep breaths

2: Think about what it is that is upsetting me

3: Ask myself the following questions: 1: Is it worth being upset by this? 2: If it is, how will I handle ti? 3: Who is involved in how I feel? 4: What can I do so that it does not blow up in my face?

4: After answering these questions, if I feel the need to let Master and my sister go when we are talking on the phone, I will beg permission to do so and explain that I need some time to myself, so that I can calm down.

5: If I am not granted said permission to let them go, I will bite my tongue and do steps 1-3 again.

6: If that does not work, then I will beg permission to put the phone down, go to the washroom, splash some cold water on my face and return to the conversation.

7: After the conversation is done, I will ask to speak to Master about what went on that I felt I needed a few minutes to myself and explain the situation, then leave it for him to decide how best to deal with things.

Last but not least: Trust that Master knows what is going on and that he does care for and about me, that he loves me and would never allow any harm to come to me or my sister.

Greetings:

It's snowing once again and I hate the cold that comes with the snow, but find the way it covers the trees to be very beautiful and yet I can't wait for to all melt and stay gone until next winter.

Was up most of the night last night and most likely will be again tonight.

Hope all are having a good weekend.

Greetings:

It was a cool winters evening as she sat at the computer, trying not to cry, trying not to stress over the past few days. She has left him several messages both text and voice-mails, in hopes that he will call her back and let her know that things are okay between them.

She continues to wipe her eyes, bite her lower lip and blinking back the tears of crimson, her heart aching, mind reeling, body trembling as she tries to push the thought of him not wanting to be around her any more out of her mind.

She knows that he is busy with trying to find a house, his ex-girlfriends kids, helping out his ex-girlfriend, VA appointments and family matters, yet she is scared that she will once again be out in the cold. She fears if he decides she is no longer worthy of being with him that she will not be able to cope with it and will put up yet another brick wall, shutting out those who care for and about her.

She did it once before and it took all that she is to let it down, allowing others into her life, to love her, care for and about her, not just as a slave, but as a person too. She knows it will be a long time before she trusts again if she is released from his collar before she will ever, if at all trust anyone else to get close to her.

She remembers the last time she put up the brick wall, how she sat there with her knees pulled up to her chest, head resting upon them, rocking back and forth, crimson tears flowing down her cheeks, begging her online Hokama to let her go, to let her spirit be free and let her take her eternal slumber once and for all.

She sits there yet again, behind that brick wall, knees pulled up to her chest, head resting upon them, rocking back and forth as the crimson tears flow freely, unable to stop them this time, hoping and praying that things will be okay, yet fearing that she will once again find herself alone, lost, scared and uncertain of her abilities to be a slave.

She loves him with all that she is, yet can not shake the feeling that he is royally upset with her for how she handled a few things that had come up a couple of days prior. She knows that her temper can get the better of her and for that she has tried to apologize to him, beg forgiveness and is now waiting to hear back as to whether or not she will be lost, alone and confused once again.

Sits there staring out the window, knees pulled up to her chest, head resting upon them, rocking back and forth, blinking back the tears, hoping and praying for an answer that may well come in a form that she will not like.

Greetings:

I am seriously wondering why some people say things yet do not follow through on them...

I am also seriously wondering why if you do not trust someone, you say that you trust them and always will.  It just does not make sense to me if you say that you trust someone then either you do or you don't, but for crying out loud, there is no in between when it comes to trust.

I am at a point where I will not hold punches and if something I say pisses you off, then too bad because if you want me to be honest, then be prepared to get what you asked for full freaking force because I will not hold any punches and I definitely will not sugar coat shit for anyone.

I don't care if you are a sub, slave, Dom, Domme, Master or Mistress, if you want me to be honest with you, then brace yourself because my honesty is very brutal and forthcoming, I do not and will not sugar coat anything for anyone no matter what.

I am getting tired of this, "I trust you," yet the person won't tell me something I need and deserve to know?  How the hell am I suppose to trust you if you do not trust me?

Get a pair and be honest with those whom you care about and if you don't then expect it to blow up in your face because I'm sure that most people would rather you be honest with them than to lie, hide things from them and cheat on them.

Rant off

Greetings:

WOW, Just WOW..........

I guess it truly does take all kinds to make the world go around.  Why is it that just because someone is a slave, Dominants think they have the right to disrespect said slave?

I mean really, do you have to start out with "how you doing slave?"  Why not come up with something like say, "I read your profile and would like to get to know you better, if you are up to it."  then come along and say "How are you doing?"

Try using said slave's name and not treating her as if she is already yours to call whatever you want, or even better yet, "Greetings girl" would have been just fine with me if you didn't want to use my name, as "Greetings girl," at least shows some respect towards me.

I am NOT a fooking doormat, I am a HUMAN BEING, with feelings, fears, hopes, wishes, dreams, concerns and most of all with a HEART!!!!

Try asking me nicely to speak with you instead of making a fooking joke out of it.

Seriously if you want to talk to me, use: "Greetings girl," "Greetings alahanna" or don't bother talking to me.

My profile clearly states that I am NOT looking for anything right now because of taking time to reflect on my previous relationship, trying to get back to my Pagan and Wiccan roots, to reflect on the mistakes I made in said previous relationship.

Rant Off

Greetings:

I had a pretty good day.  Went for coffee and a drive with Jarl today, had a few good laughs while out with him, then again he is usually pretty good at getting me to laugh, even when I don't want to.

Other than that I had a pretty slow day and am looking forward to getting this thing I keep hearing about...."Sleep," whatever that is....lol

I hope you all have a great night and an even better day tomorrow.

Well Wishes,

Alahanna

Greetings:

Today is just another day that businesses get to make more money than they usually do and if you ask me, it is not about what love truly means any more when the stores are having sales and are competing with each other to see who can make the most money and how much product they can move.

The "true" Valentines Day is about love and not competing with others to win a woman's or a man's heart.  It is about celebrating a day that is about letting loved ones know just how much we care about them, how much we truly love them and will do anything to make them happy.

At least that is what it is about from my point of view, but we each have a different point of view on several things, including Valentines Day.

I hope that despite my ramblings, you had a great Valentines Day and were able to spend it with the one or ones you love.

Well Wishes,

Alahanna Anghariaed

Greetings:

With all the news of Whitney Houston's death, no one has factored in her family.  Especially her daughter who was taken to the hospital Sunday and released this morning due to stress and anxiety following her mom's death.

This is a tough time for a lot of people, mostly her family, friends and co-workers.  For those of us in the general public it is a hard thing to swallow, hearing that such a beautiful and talented woman passed away at such a young age.

What is not said in the papers is that some singers, actors and actresses don't make it past 29 years of age because they get so wrapped up in their careers and doing drugs and/or drinking, therefore, they die due to those things.

I was reading something on the internet the other day about the above post and I was shocked to hear that this is the case with some singers, actors and actresses.  This is not to say that it happens all the time, but the odd death of a singer, actor or actress is caused by drugs and/or alcohol.

It is my hope that they find the cause of Miss Houston's death, so that her family can lay her to rest and move on with their life.  If it is found to be foul play, I hope that they find the person responsible and that they are punished to the fullest extent of the law.

I will try to come back again tonight and write more.  If you wish to listen to the radio station that I own and operate, please drop me a line and I will send you the links to tune in.

Well Wishes,

Alahanna Anghariaed

Greetings:

It is with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes that I am dj'ing tonight. I found out last night via a phone call and then googling it on google.ca about Whitney Houston passing away at the age of 48.

She will be missed by a lot of us who grew to love her music and her acting skills. She will not only be missed by us, but by her friends and family.

It is not yet known how she died but I am keeping an eye on google.ca for the cause of her death and will announce in on my station when I have more information.

Well Wishes,

Alahanna Anghariaed

Greetings:

Yet another day with no energy and feeling drained.  I hope I'm not getting sick again because this will be three times this year and we're only almost three months into the new year, I hate being sick.

Someone once told me I'm the biggest baby they know when I'm sick, but I think they were just trying to get me to laugh....I will admit I am a big baby when sick, but I don't think I'm the biggest baby ...LOL

Greetings:

Not really in the mood to write much of anything tonight.  Perhaps that will change tomorrow......... One can only hope lol

Greetings:

Why is that when someone fucks up they choose to make excuses instead of telling the fucking truth?

If you were suppose to dj at a set time and date, could not make it but did not say anything to the station manager via email, text or private message on irc, yahoo, aim, msn or whatever other messenger you use, would you not drop them a line out of courtesy? Of course you would because that is the respectful thing to do.

You'd not expect someone to believe that your broadcasting software was acting up if you did not reboot when usually if you have an issue with it, you would reboot the computer and try again, would you?

I think not.... I'm not playing games when it comes to my station... If you want to dj, then dj, or else expect the consequences of failing to show up for shifts and dropping them halfway through your shifts...

If you're sick as a dog that's one thing, but to not dj for a month and a bit, then have zero listeners and drop your shift half way through, expect to be kicked off the schedule for two weeks and learn what it means to give your word to someone...

End of rant.

Greetings:

I am seriously wondering how it is that someone who claims to want to dj, does not show up on the day and time they are scheduled to, does not drop me a note saying they can't make it and why the hell they decided "Oh well I have no listeners, so I am not going to dj."

Sorry but just because it shows you don't have listeners, there could be if you stuck to your schedule and did not drop it halfway through your shift.

I have had to remove a dj from the schedule until I speak to them about their not showing up, dropping half way through and their commitment to dj.

Other than that my day has been somewhat productive, in that I managed to put away some more clothes, towels, sheets, face cloths and a few other miscellaneous pieces of work.

I even found my pliers I work with, so that I may start working on new chainmail items to sell.

Greetings:

Today was a day spent in bed, for the most part of the day that is.  I hope to feel better tomorrow, so that I can take my cell into a Bell store and tell them that my phone is acting up when I charge it.

If I don't do it tomorrow, hopefully Friday will be a good day for me to go out and get it looked at.

Greetings:

Still not feeling all that great but am hoping that by morning that will change.  I have done research for my next book again and all I found was the same information I collected yesterday and printed off.

It is my hope that within the next few days I have a rough copy for the book set and then work on it as I get the chance to.

I hope you all have a great weekend.

Greetings:

Although I am not feeling well, I had a good day.  I went out for lunch with a friend, came home, went to lay down for an hour and woke up feeling a little better.

I did some research for my next book and will continue working on the second novel, in hopes that it gets published by my birthday at the latest.  If I work at it daily, I will accomplish my goal of getting it done and published by then.

My next book will be about my autoimmune disorder, that I had originally thought was a metabolic disorder, but the more research I do, the more I found out that it is more about the autoimmune system that is lacking in an enzyme.

I hope that when it is finished, it will help those who have questions get the answers they need and that by my sharing my personal story of how it affects me will make an impact on those who do not understand it.

I am happy to say that the New York Giants won the super bowl today and that I managed to dj for three full hours while doing my research.

I hope everyone has a good week and that you are able to enjoy the warm weather.

Greetings:

Not much to write today. 

I did get two loads of laundry done and managed to walk to the corner store and back home.

Greetings:

Not much to post today, as it's been a busy day and a long one at that.  I'm still having issues with my knee, but am hoping that come Monday it is better and if not then I will go to the hospital to get it checked out.

I hope everyone is having a great day and that your weekend goes well.

Alahanna

Quick Entry:

I've been having issues with my right knee and am hoping it is better before next Tuesday, if not I will be getting it looked at.

Will write more tomorrow.

Good Afternoon:

I am not that great at writing in my journal and that is evident by my lack of entries here.

This is something that I hope to correct starting today because I would like to do a sequel to my first book based on my journal entries.

I love to share my music, events in and around town, jokes, news, poems I have written and am looking to increase my music library, in hopes that I can attract more listeners for the station.

Currently we can handle 50 listeners at any given time.  I am also looking for more dj's, so if you or someone you know wishes to become a dj, drop me a line at maxx_traxx_dj@yahoo.ca or here with the following:

1: Why you wish to be a dj

2: How many songs you have... Must have 50 minimum

3: What days and times you are looking for

4: If you are available to pick up a shift if another dj is unable to make his or her shift

5: What got you interested in being a dj.

Thank you.

Alahanna Anghariaed

Greetings:

I am finally back online and have the station going, although it was on auto dj while I was away and other dj's were not well.

I am working on my novel(s) and have 3 books published, but have to redo the cover picture on two of them.

They are as follows:

My Personal Journey To Being A Slave

Charlie The Chimp's Day Out (Childrens book)

Poetry In Emotion

They are all available by doing a google search on the titles I posted above. I hope that if you should purchase a copy, that you find them to be good reading material.

Well Wishes,

Alahanna Anghariaed

Today has been a day of rest and relaxation, due to my back and hips throbbing from overdoing it the other day when I went for a walk. One of these days I will pay attention to the pain and stop to rest for a bit.

However, until I do so my hips and back will scream at me for a few days, then they will settle down just enough for me to go for a short walk and nothing more.

I am currently working on novel number two and having some difficulties with concentrating on it, but it is due to stress and being anxious to move into my own place again.  Things will be great when I am settled in and have a normal routine.... Wait a minute here, what is this thing they call normal?

*Giggles and darts off to work a bit more on the book*

If I do not respond to your emails, please do not think I am ignoring you, as it is due to lack of internet where I am staying at present and hope to have that fixed soon.

However, as I said if I do not respond right away, please do not take offence or think that I am ignoring you.

I am not looking for a Master at present, but am taking the time to work on my novels, get back to my pagan/wiccan roots and making friends along the way and hoping that I finish my second novel by the time my birthday rolls around.

I finally finished my children's book that I have been working on and it is now up for sale online. If you google search "Charlie The Chimps Day Out," you will find it and my other one that I have written.

I am still working on novel number two but hope to have it done by my birthday at the latest.

Greetings:

I am proud to say that since my last entry, I have had my book published and it now has an isbn number.

If you are interested in purchasing the book, please do a google search for: "My Personal Journey To Being A Slave."

I hope that you are all enjoying your weekend.

Alanah

I am AlanahAnghariaed, I am strong

I am AlanahAnghariaed, I will go on

My soul is Tracy and she will grow.

I have come to realize that no matter what, my emotional health has to come first and foremost because if I put it on the back burner so to speak, things like my eating disorders will return, my stress level will increase and most of all I may end up having an emotional break down.

I do not want to fight the eating disorders, stress or a break down because these are all scary things to go through, especially when you are not close to loved ones at the time that it happens.

I am stubborn, can be a brat at times but do try to keep it playful, have fire and spirit, a big baby when I am sick and it seems that I have been getting sick quite a bit this past year but hopefully with the New Year, new and better things will come.

Not sure what else to say, but if I think of something I will come back to write more.

Oh My God.... I wrote my very first book about "My Personal Journey To Becoming A Slave,," and I checked the site I used to publish it, found out that someone has actually purchased a copy. I'm so happy :D

Greetings:

Not much to say other than I have a migraine from hell. Maybe I'll be more in the mood to write tomorrow.

Greetings:

I am not looking for a relationship of any kind at this time. I am taking time for myself to get back to my roots so to speak, to look back on this past year and a half in order to see what areas I have grown in and what I still need to work on.

I am a slave, not a doormat and most definitely not a robot. I will tell you like it is and will not sugar coat things, if you are not ready to hear the brutal, honest truth from me then do us both a favor and do not bother with me because if I say it, I will NOT sugar coat it under any circumstances.

I am who I am and nothing more, let alone that I am nothing less than what I say I am.

Those who have had a chance to talk with me in the past, those who I am still friends with and those who are former Masters or Mentors (RabidWolverine mostly..He knew me under cariad when I had that profile up) will tell you what I am like, what my temperment is and that I can be brutally honest or sarcastic depending on my mood at the time.

Not only that, but I am a brat at times.  That being said though, I try to keep it playful.

Please do NOT ask me to message you on messengers because I can not and will not at present.

If I am to be the best I can be, I need this time to heal, to cope with having begged release and the emotions that are accompanying said release.

*Step off the soap box.*

Happy Holidays to all.

Walking A New Path:
 
Tuesday I begged release from Jarl and although we are not Master/slave, I will always care for and about him. He has taught me a lot and put up with a lot this past year and a half.

Those who ask what kind of Master he was, I will tell you that he is strict yet fair, loving in his own way (won't come out and say that he loves you but you'll know it), caring, understanding, non-judgemental, willing to listen if you are calm, cool and collected when speaking with him.
 

He is swift to punish if he deems fit and believe me girls, he does know how to punish if you screw up. I have not only felt his hands, but the power behind them and it is with pride that I feel I can say I took what he would hand down.
 
I am taking this time to refocus on my writings, my job (I own my own company), get back to my Pagan/Wiccan roots, reflecting upon this past year and a half, looking back at where I was and where I am now in comparison to last year at this time.
 
To Jarl: I thank you for all that you have done to and for me, for being my rock in the vast sea of life and for punishing me when I deserved/needed to be punished.
 
Well Wishes,
 
Alannah`Anghariaed

PS: I took out one of the n's in Alannah because it would not allow me to have an extra letter in my name. This entry was from Wednesday December 21, 2011 but due to the hour it showed up as todays entry.