All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something

I wish I was your favourite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style
I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot that you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars
Actually, I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

All I know
Is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
I wish that we could see
If we could be something 

(Nicest Thing, KATE NASH)

 [ .. and yea, I *do* mean it, PK. ]

They call me Maelyce... 

 With my curls all twisted.. tangled... I swing above and scoot below.. I walk on eggshells around the Jabberwocky... With a pen-knife, and a smile of satisfaction- You are my vorpal sword. 

 This looking glass bears a strong resemblance to that of the mirror on my dresser in that flat I ran from, long ago.. All of the cracks make me reminisce about the streams and rivers in the woods I played at as a child.. 

 The Bandersnatch nears, and I crawl back under the twisted rubble of what used to be the wall in which the fat egg sat... 

 That Rabbit's dead when I find him... 

Swear to fxxing God, if one more person calls me fat, I'm seriously going to start stabbing ponies!  

Don't be a rude ass hat! How hard is it to keep your "thoughts" to yourself? Especially when you KNOW that it's going to hurt someone else's feelings! 

If you don't like fat kids, don't fxxing talk to me! I AM A FAT KID, and I will eat your soul, goddamnit! 

LOL.... 

 I just read my journal entries from like a year ago.. Want the dramatic irony? John is dead. He died the last day I spoke to him, 3 months before I'd given up hope, and 6 months before anyone was able to get a hold of me to let me know that my Dom was dead. 

 Also, yea I'm single, what of it? *shrugs and walks away*

 .. Damn I was an angry girl back then! D: 

Tips for beginners on CMe (CollarMe): [Male-specific tips and tricks]

A, Don't mass-email, it flags you as spam.. Send a few out, log out for a bit, then send a few more later on.

B, When you find a girl, don't fall for the victim game. They do that for some reason here.. Also, if you happen across a profile that seems too good to be true, chances are, it is. We're all humans here, we have imperfections, airbrushing is a hoax.

C, You're gonna get messages from random gay guys- most of the time they're polite. If they're pushy, you can block them. 

D, Read, read, read. No matter what, don't send a message until you've read through at *least* the profile they've written.. Most times you can even tell if they're just surfing for sugar daddies, or suckers. That and, some subs that *are* taken but just here to chat to friends specifically ask that you not contact them before their Dominant. I know, seems weird, but hey.. whatever. It's a respect thing, I guess.. I respect their opinion to choose how they roll, but if some mofo was screening my e-mails, he'd die. LOL

E, Know that rejection will always come faster than positive reactions.. these people are scared.. They don't know what to expect either. They're here either to find someone, to play someone, or because they're still not okay with what they are, and that is normal on these sites.

F, You are never just a hat, you are a weeping sombrero. 

<3 Phaelyn

Day 13.... 

.. Still no word. Nothing. No letter, no e-mail, no phone call, nothing.

I've gone over every possible scenario in my head, and I cannot do anything about it...

I'm down to relying on friends' opinions about the situation, and i must say: i'm at the end of my little rope, and i am swinging back and forth about you.

i said i was patient, i said that i would wait- that i would try not to drive myself mad, but there is a fine line between being "discreet" about it, and cutting off all means of communication... 

 i feel ... unimportant.

Everything's just wonderful.

.. And for once, it feels like it finally is.

I'm not scared of what the future holds anymore, I'm not afraid to put myself out there and smile back at the world- even if my smile may be a bit more deviant than most, and my eyes are inquisitive- everything is just wonderful.

It's been a few days since I spoke with leavelifebehind, but he had made mention that this week would be a bit time consuming. Sitting around chatting with me should not be on the top of his priority list. We have much bigger fish to fry right now.

While normally so much going on so early in a relationship would freak me out and I would turn tail and run the other way- I want to see this through.

I actually have dreams, again. There was a long period of depression, and sleeping hours upon hours just to make the time move faster. Lately I have wanted to be awake more, wanted to enjoy every moment of life that I have.. And most of all, cherish the few moments I do get to spend talking to him, and getting to know him better. :)

I can't wait until I speak with him again, but I am trying to be as patient as I can, because with the recent events, I know that there's more important things going on.. I can't help but want to be there to help morally support this person that I care so much about- and at the same time I feel that we're both working towards something bigger for the future.

It feels good. Life feels good. Pray for me, plaguerats. This may be the best thing that's ever happened for me, and I will make this the best experience that I can.

-phaelyn

Cozy, He calls me... 

A poem: (kind of.)

"Squeezing the last few breaths out of empty lung cavities exposed to the light of day.. Smoke swirls, calling your name, pulling you in like a moth to a flame..

Your mind, a wasteland of thought too precious to feed.. The only thing crossing your mind is how much you miss the caress of warm cloth wrapped around your naked skin when hearing his voice calling you out of the dark...

Scratching nails along the ivory of keys that never quite hit the right note... Fragile little sounds come from the back of it like rats flee from a plague..

Your voice too damaged to hear yourself harmonize with the mis-tuned chords you try to bash out of a dead piano.. No addiction could make this sound pretty to anyone.. The tone deaf scream in horror at the monstrosity..

You want, you need, you'd do anything for new things, people to envy, intelligent conversation.. You'd do anything to hear his voice again.. To feel him form against you under satin sheets on a cold night..

The desire to scratch metal against flesh. Into flesh... A desire so strong, angels look down at you and scream.. Angel kisses maddening like port wine laced with mercury..

He screams your name, but you cant hear him beneath a veil of insanity so thick you could call it a wall.. A wall too high for anyone to climb.. A wall too strong, that you built to keep him out..

No matter how much the desire to have him near strikes you, you can't let him in, you cannot allow him to see.. You are not worthy of this.. You are nothing in comparison to his beauty..

You spill over the sides of a porcelain bath, running in between the grout on a tile floor that no longer looks like tile.. An image in your mind, his face.. his beautiful face.. it taunts you like classmates throwing rocks.

Submerged under a clear liquid.. hands holding you down that are not your own.. The angels are trying to kill you.. the angels want you to stop...

.. The angels aren't anyone you'd want to pray to.. They hold you away from him, screaming, bleeding, dying slowly.. You beg for them to stop.. You beg to be let go..

Sounds swirl around you.. the beeping and ticking of machines. Your eyes open up to a white face looking down with shock, and horror.. This girl should not have survived that amount of death.. The room swirls around you, and the last thing you hear before you pass out is him... screaming..

You know he is near, you know he wants to see you..

" .. not like this, God ... not like this ... "

If only you could disappear.. This is what you were trying to hide from him, and failed..

Strangers are forcing you to live, and the angels pull harder, your limbs feel as though they could fall off, and you could care less.. Just one more moment of happiness with him.. one more overwhelming moment of his kisses, his love, exploding into the air like rockets.. one more moment with him.. loving you... "

Copyright © 2005 AdraRoseMortem/z0mbi3d0ll/ρнαєℓуη

I want to take singular moments of my life and tie them up with a nice red bow, and store them away in a little box under my bed.

Memories.. Most of mine are not that good, which is why I am writing this. I'm sort of "immortalizing the moment", if you will.

I've spent years of my life struggling to get by, dating the wrong people, making vain attempts to live up to my family's expectations of me. I have been overly subservient to the wrong people. While I should have been focusing on my needs and wants, I was focusing on what they expected from me, and trying to reach an impossible goal. I can't make my family appreciate what I do, I can't be exactly what they want me to be.. I can only be me.

 With that said, I do feel that I can be something that someone can be proud of, I just need the confidence to be able to look in the mirror- and not instantly tear myself apart. I’m learning this. I actually feel like I am worth a damn, now. It isn’t so much that anyone has told me that I am, either. His actions spoke louder than his words!

 I have to say that I really am hoping that this all works out with my "potential future relationship". Things seem to be coming together quite nicely. He asks me if I could be any more perfect of a match for him and all I can say is "I can try."

 He's not the type that wants to strip me of my own "character" and turn me into a zombie-slave. No no.. Thank god(s). He seems to actually appreciate my flair, my modesty, my shyness, and my innate ability to be "cutesy".

 I want the world to bring back that same modesty, and 1950's style mindset to "family life" and "modern living" that we seemed to have left behind. There's so much disrespect in the world, and so little positive reinforcement for appropriate behavior. I only bring this up because he seems to have the same idealism that I hold, as well as being a perfect middle ground of both modern and antiqued culture.

Pray for me, if you want to. I think this may be "it".

 .. and it's always amusing to me that I was not even looking for anything, not even trying to concentrate on this aspect of my life, and yet.. here I am.

-phaelyn

February 2010:

It isn't me, it's you. All of you. All of the people that have ever made me feel less than beautiful, all of you jerks out there that think that I should automatically bow down, withstand the abuse, and be belittled for your amusement.. Anyone whom has spoken with me for any length of time will know me, and if you still expect me to strip down, stand up, and show my naked body off to you- why? Oh, you claim you're a Dom? Guess what.. I still won't do that, because I have standards. I have self-worth. I'm not a cheap thrill. I'm not a floor mat, I'm a submissive. I'm beautiful, and I deserve to be treated as something that you treasure, not something you can take your frustrations out on and be made to feel worthless.

I've got one thing to say to those of you whom think such behavior is appropriate.. Fuck you.

Please fix your typonese. It hurts my head.

" lokkin for a male dominant man...i wants to be a good slave and obident to my master ..... " is not proper English. This is forgivable if English is not your first language, however- you should proof read anything before you post it. In the event that English is not your first language, please refer to babelfish translator on yahoo. This will ensure that you spell words correctly, such as "obident".....

Just one more drink
And then go to bed.
You stared at your glass
As I emptied my head.
I said that I'm sorry
You said that's a shame.
I'll blame those boys
With those sweet christian names..
I'm planning for closure
With guilt and remorse
You long for moments
When love was a source..
And if you're not happy
Why do you stay..
Treacherous answers part lips and you'd say...

"oh, this never felt like home"
And you said: "oh, you never left me alone"
And I said: "oh, I would've started to drown"
Oh-oh-oh-oh
This record broke on its own...

Surrender or nothing,
I'm giving my best.
By ripping what's left,
From your half empty chest..
Tonight I'll be honest,
Tonight you'll be brave..
It's all that I wanted,
It's all that you crave..
You're watching my face,
My tears are a strain
You're heart makes a fist,
And it's bruising my brain..
And if I'm so happy...
..why do I say all these things that linger, rot, and decay..

And you said: "oh, Christ hang up the phone.."
And you said: "oh, I guess I've always known"
But I said: "oh, never leave me alone"
Oh-oh-oh ...this record broke on its own...

...this record breaks on its own......

As an example of someone being a complete ass about my weight issue:

My message:
 welcome to the lifestyle, hon! ^_^ beware the creepies! xD (Seriously, there's tons of them on here.) ^_^