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The Largest BDSM Community on the Planet

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Pan Female Slave, 35,  Spokane, Washington
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AbysmalAngel

AbysmalAngel - photo 1
AbysmalAngel - photo 2
AbysmalAngel - photo 3
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AbysmalAngel - photo 8
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AbysmalAngel - photo 10
AbysmalAngel - photo 12
AbysmalAngel - photo 13
AbysmalAngel - photo 14

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Friends:
SoulSinger Sparks1111 MasterE1476 fuknsexxycouple darkisss
MasterZip cosubbiegrl savgirlamy pleasant69 captain36000
Capricarious armando39 demaster10 TallSouthernDom XanderKnight
StrongYetGentle zero6969 LGRumor roughmaster4u911 linger1776
zhaoninja Dragonstouch yourdomnow sir123123 SexyPsychoC
DOMINANTSeeks69 FeralGent cookcook greenmtnmagnum chxyz
Chicagomaster666 shreyasingh GatherTheLost3 NOCOusemytongue MasterInNeedOfSl
SirCharlesIII unluckymaster friesedom fingerman075 Longkissgoodnite
OctaviusJames tmb0687 MentorAth IronKnightx MasterBBC100
Shalacon Kerriefurbaby shywolfessleena Man4sub kicuriecos
Skirdhu Callmetr DarkChiyo

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Username:

Description:

City:

State:

Height:

Weight:

Age:

Sexuality:

Ethnicity:

Joined:

Last Online:

 AbysmalAngel

 Female Slave

 Spokane 

 Washington

 5' 3"

 128 lbs

 35

 Pan

 Caucasian

 07/20/12

 09/03/20

Actively Seeking:

Submissive Transgender

Submissive Female

Friends Only

 Lives For:

 Dancing

 Bondage

 Collars

 Hair Pulling

 Knife Play

 Massage (Getting)

 Whips

 Cooking

 Loves:

 Amusement Parks

 Renaissance Faires

 Travel

 Aerobics

 Camping

 Hiking

 Horseback Riding

 Anal Play

 Begging

 Blindfolds (Beginner)

 Exhibitionism

 Eye Contact Restrictions (Beginner)

 Hypnosis

 Leashes

 Massage (Giving)

 Outdoor Bondage

 Shibari

 Spanking

 MMORPGs

 Online RPGs

 Role Playing Games

 Aromatherapy

 Herbalism

 Tattoos

 Biology

 Poetry

 Writing

 Goth Lifestyle

 Lifestyle BDSM

 Vampirism

 Heavy Metal Music

 Rock Music

 Wicca

 Swimming

 Likes:

 Fishing

 Movies

 Martial Arts

 Tai-Chi

 Walking

 Canes and Crops

 Dilation

 Gags

 Medical Play

 Mental Bondage

 Obedience Training

 Objectification

 Pony/Puppy Roleplay

 Role Playing

 Wax play

 Chess

 Romance Novels

 Science Fiction

 Astrology

 Drawing

 Gardening

 Photography

 Occultism

 Eighties Music

 Electronica / EDM

 New Age Music

 Nineties Music

 Pop Music

 Seventies Music

 Buddhism

 Reiki

 Tolerates:

 Housework

 Tickling

 Country Music

 Christianity

 Curious About:

 Cages (Beginner)

 Corsets

 Fire Play

 Gorean Lifestyle

 Polyamory

 Druidism

 Hates:

 Watersports

 Jazz

 Skills:

 Gourmet Cook

 Housekeeping Expert

I am very much taken and happily so If any female slaves wish to join me in service, please message me.
 

Any UNAUTHORIZED use of my profile, video, pictures or audio in any or in a forum now or in the future is NOT permissible without my expressed written consent. Any act to promote or gain profit in any manner (e.g. either monetarily or socially) from the use of my profile, video, pictures or audio in any my profile is a violation of my privacy and subject to legal action. BY VIEWING THIS: You acknowledge and agree that you shall not post, upload, publish, transmit or make available in any way content of this page including images and recording streamed live video available for download. This is intended as, and presented as a one time, live, one view presentation only. Penalties of Copyright Infringement: By reproducing, republishing or redistributing the work of a copyright holder without permission, you may be violating or infringing on his or her rights under the Copyright Act. The copyright holder may sue for compensation cost from $ 250 to $ 150,000 or one year in jail.</>  

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Journal Entries:
4/12/2018 12:26:58 PM
So I guess CS disabled all HTML, even their own. That sucks. It was the one cool thing I liked about this site. Being able to have HTML on my profile page. Though I can no longer seem to change the font, or color for my profile text. What is their problem?!?! At least it seems to work on the journal, mostly. 

4/8/2018 3:33:54 AM
Gypsy Spirit

A change in mood comes over me. Like a mighty rushing river, taking me with it. Try as I might, I can't seem to identify it. Something like sadness, but not quite. I have so much to be happy about. The life I worked so hard and so long to create has come to pass. This makes me happy. So what is it then?

My soul inside is screaming out. Writhing, aching, needing, longing, wanting. I search, for... what? It eludes me, but I feel tears welling up like like little springs beneath the surface. I feel lonely. As though I do not belong here.

My Gypsy spirit is never content for long. Always wanting to wander, to explore. Seeking the next adventure. Yet all this while longing for security and safety. It is like I am more than just one person sometimes. I was not meant to be tamed, domesticated. Though it is what I seem to crave. I want to be free.

I want to prowl the nights, bask in the sun, walk on the beaches, climb the mountains, soar in the skies, breathe magic... Wild, unbroken, fierce. I want passion, romance, no strings. When I have that I end up wanting to be captured, made to yield. The oracle tells me to know thyself. Chimera.

To know the heart is to dive to the depths of the deepest seas. I hear the call. The call of the wild, the night, the moon. Tonight a thunderstorm came to my town. It left me feeling strange. Charged, spooked. *RUN* something whispers to me in the dark silence. To where shall I run? I have lived long enough to know the pastures are not always greener.... Shifting shadows beckon to me, taunting, luring, pulling. I am more than this realm allows me to be. I feel it. Could I cross over? Could I follow them? Where would they lead me? Perhaps I shall never know. Perhaps I should try the impossible?


4/1/2018 12:27:54 AM
Some new pics are posted! About time right?!?!?!

Also an update to the last journal, the blackmail me guy did in fact pay up! I am impressed.

3/25/2018 4:13:38 PM
Well hello adoring fans! It has been a while since I wrote here last. Today I have the funniest story. It has made for a most entertaining day and was very unexpected. Though I must say it turned out to be quite fun for me, and I am surprised by just how much this idiot's suffering brought me joy. I felt like such a predator, hunting my prey. Cornering them, and finally dropping in for the kill! So let me share with you all just what happened. 

This morning I was simply checking my email here. As usual, when a new message caught my eye. This person said they needed to be financially drained. I contemplated just deleting it, figuring it was just another scam, but something in me decided otherwise. I replied in my most dominant way, that they pay me now or suffer the consequences. Of course they engaged and within minutes I found myself on skype receiving some compromising photos of this person. 

They wanted me to blackmail them into sending me money. Well I need money and thought, hey, if they are so willing to give it away, why not? So I play along for a while and nearing the end I tell them they have 1 hour to send my gift card. That is how I take money from people from the internet. Amazon gift cards! So I told this guy, send me my card. I played his little game. I talked mean to him. Insulted him. Called his pecker tiny, which it was, truly. 

Then he decides he has had enough and says goodbye, it was all for roleplay, he had fun...blah, blah, blah. Well, little did he know I can build websites! Haha bet he didn't see that one coming. So I am in  ahurry and pick some free building site to begin my blackmail, which he said he wanted. He made me promise I would really blackmail him. I taunt him with the idea for a while of posting his pics on my website. I send him the link of the latest site I built. He seems to panic, from what I can tell and begins begging me not to post them. Telling me it's not really him and to lose the pics. Now I am getting annoyed. He said he would give me a gift card for blackmailing him, I want my gift card. 

So now it has come to pass I did post the pics on my new website and I sent him the link of the newly published site to prove it, and as promised I am now willing to share this link with anyone who wishes to laugh and help humiliate this sub who went asking for trouble. I am not allowed to post links here so if you want it, you will have to write me and ask for it in a PM. 

I never expected to enjoy this as much as I did. I doubt he will actually send me the damn card...but maybe, just maybe, he learned a valuable lesson about wanting to be blackmailed by total strangers for the promise of sending money! I bet he never expected little ol' me could build websites and actually blackmail him... well to a point anyways. Or maybe he got off on it all, I can't be certain... Though by the end of our conversation he seemed truly in a panic. You barked up the wrong tree today Mister Blackmail Me! Enjoy your rewards posted on my new website.

11/26/2017 5:56:06 PM
I am feeling melancholy today. Things are not going as great as I had hoped with my new housemates. The reality so far from the dream I had envisioned. I want to scream and cry and lash out, but to what end? Who pays the price for such a display?

One of my housemates is my ex sub and lately she seems to be lashing out at me with biting words all under the guise of innocence. I feel the bite though. I see the soul, not the mask that is worn. I feel so powerless at this moment. She says I didn't do anything that was so terrible, yet there is much animosity. Her remembrance of incidences changes drastically with time. Things she had once taken my side on, now seems to no longer be the case. How can a person be cleared of wrong doing only to be accused at a later date? Honest? So she claims, but is far from it.

Now I am stuck in a house with all this tension, anger and resentment all for things I am told weren't bad... I feel confused, betrayed and... vicious. I want to rip at her with biting words of my own, see her soul bleed from truths as I cut deep and walk away leaving her to fend for herself. She milks people for sympathy, revealing only the "poor poor me" side of things in her public journals, as if she didn't deserve her release for having a total melt down tantrum and disrespecting her Mistress.

I try to salvage things but there is something unspoken lurking behind shadows. Something isn't being said, though words are tossed out meant to punish. I tire of these manipulative games and wait for others who do not know her so well to see the light. As I grew tired of the games, so too will they...in time. I can be patient. Let karma come back around. Though I must say I tire of putting people back together only to have them run off with someone else. I am promised forever, heaven and earth... but the words are hollow, empty and without meaning. Promises of a mere child with no understanding. If its games we are playing, then let us play...but I play to win.

11/18/2017 1:43:45 PM
Cant seem to add this to my profile... I am seeking a female or MtF trans-woman as my personal sub, slave or pet. Can begin online, but prefer real life service. If interested, please message me. 

3/18/2017 10:38:18 AM


Baby has arrived!

3/9/2017 4:01:02 PM


Why are so many people such assholes on this site? And why do they have to bother me?

3/7/2017 6:44:55 PM



THE LOST SOULS


First I want to just say that this journal is not meant to be hurtful or overly harsh to anyone. That said, I simply must draw a line in the sand and make the boundaries clear. I am to be a mother any day now and can not afford to have what energy I do possess to be leeched by those who do not give back, but only take.

I understand there are many, many out there who are lost, lonely and hurting. They feel no one likes them and that they will never find love. Quite a few end up at my internet doorstep, so to speak. Drawn to my light, and kindness. What must be understood is that it is just that, kindness. It does not mean I want to take anyone on as my subbie, or pet. It does not mean I want to jump into bed and leave my Master for you. I just simply believe that people deserve to be treated kindly.

If I am friendly and talk with you, know that it is just that. Nothing more. No I will not give you my skype, or play sexual games on cam or in chat. No I am not interested in anything more than just friendship. To push for more only tells me that you are greedy and will never understand the boundaries. In such cases I must cut ties and walk away.

I have had many recently begging me, and pushing these boundaries. I AM NOT A DOMME! I AM NOT A TOP OR SWITCH. I am a slave and an owned one at that. I have sworn and committed my life to HE that owns me. I do not want a cuckold. I do not wish to take on a sub man who is ten years or more older than me. I am sorry you all are so lonely, and left wanting, but that is not my problem. Just like in nature, not everyone gets chosen by a mate. If you are in a life and have not found a partner to share it with, then ask  yourself why, perhaps it is something you can work on or change to make yourself more attractive  and useful to someone else.

Do not use guilt to try and manipulate me or my Owner into something we do not want. Your life is your own problem, not anybody else's. Take responsibility for the state of your own affairs. Trying to say to me, I have no friends, nobody wants me, I have nothing to live for... Only makes me see that your mental state is not worth my efforts. You have decided to remain negative, and who wants to tackle that? I feel bad for all of you and if I could wave a magic wand and give you a person to love you, I would but, that is not in my power and I have duties, responsibilities, and problems of my own to handle.

I can not help everyone who comes my  way seeking to feed on whatever it is that drew you to me. I have tried in the past to help and have found the vast majority really do not want to  be helped. They do not want to do the work required and want a miracle worker to just fix them magically. It does not work that way. I will not let any more of you leach off me and drain me any longer. I am happy to offer some friendship, a bit of advice, or point you in the right direction. I can only show you the door, it is you who must walk through it. 9 out 10 peek through the door and turn around, returning to their emotional squalor. This leaves me drained and feeling I have wasted my time. The more of these I encounter, the more jaded I become to your plight.

I spent 18 long and hard years looking for my soulmate. I went through many failed relationships. I got hurt, abandoned, cheated on, used and mistreated by many. I could have given up and cried, nobody loves me and never will...but then I would have missed out on something wonderful. What I have now did not come easy. I had to fight for it. I had to learn from my mistakes and admit that I was as much to blame as the other party for things going wrong. I had to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and keep going. Determined to heal and try again. Love did not just fall out of the sky and make me blissfully happy forever after. Life is not a fairy tale. I have to fight still to keep alive the love we kindled. It takes effort and work. It takes determination to not repeat the past. It takes dedication to the cause and never giving up even when storms come and paradise is more like hell than heaven. So do not come to me expecting me to give a rat's ass about your sorry little sad life.

If you are not happy with your life and circumstance then change it! You are not a tree. You can move to a new city. You can go to a new club or get outside and meet people. You can take an honest look at yourself and make changes to your behavior and way of thinking. Will everyone you meet like you? NO. Eventually you are bound to meet one or a few who like you for you. If not then it  is only you who are to blame. Do not come begging me to make your world all happy and glowing. I can not. I have no reason to. I belong to my Master and my time,  energy and resources are bound to him...not any one else. Rise up and be the change you want so badly, for yourselves. Leave me in peace!

3/7/2017 2:13:20 PM



YAY

So after so much chaos in this matter, things are finally coming together. I went for my final briefing for my apartment today! They calculated that I will only pay $49 for my rent each month! They told me the apartment just has to get inspected after a few things are finished with the remodeling. It could be done in a day. That part is up to the landlord. So as soon as I hear from him, I can, at long last, go and sign my lease and begin moving in. Should be able to do so this week or early next, depending on when the final step is completed. And I am going to hold the landlord to his promise to help me move my stuff too! Here's hoping things get done quickly!

3/3/2017 6:44:36 PM



Fuck My Life

I am so pissed, and stressed out. Went to go pick up my keys to my new apartment. Supposed to be a simple thing. Go in pay my rent and deposit, sign lease get keys and begin moving in. Right?!?! WRONG!!!! First I went in, and had to sit for an hour while I waited for the manager to type up something for some other project he had going. Then he finally gets to me and tells me he got an email from his boss during that time telling him to not let me move in without my housing voucher.

This housing voucher I have tried to get since early Feb, and told there wasn't one. Was not even told how to get one. I told the manger my dilemma and he said not to worry about it. So we didn't. Until today when I find out I must have one. The housing office that issues them is closed on Fridays so we hit a dead end.

Long story short after the manager made many calls and got proof I already have a voucher, we find out it is not the right one and I can't move in until after the weekend. Now I have to go back to the housing office, for the third time, and show them the proof I have a voucher already and have them renew it for my new apartment. Then I have to go back to the social service office and get new proof of my benefits, as the proof they gave me 2 weeks ago is not sufficient enough... and take all that back to the apartment and hopefully, if the Gods are being nice, I can finally get my keys and move in.

To top it all off my brother had come a long way to help me move today, since I have no car and am 8 and half months pregnant... Only to have to turn right back around and return. I will not be able to get their help for my second attempt to move on Tuesday (if all goes according to plan) and may just have to carry all my worldly possessions by the armful 4 blocks to the new place FML

After all this stress and sitting and walking and packing for 2 days, now my feet and ankles are so swollen I am considering going to the ER to make sure it is not preeclampsia...


2/23/2017 8:28:56 PM

RESPECT

So tired of being referred to as some kind of farm animal. Hucow, pigsow, piggy, breeding heifer...etc... Just because some out there might play as some sort of farm beast does not mean that I do. What is with these people to think every slave or sub is just a cow or pig to abuse? I am not among those that fall into that category. Any who refer to me as such, will be told off and blocked. Possibly even reported for offensive content.

Also my tits are NOT udders. My Master treats me like a human being. I am not for milking, or repeat breeding. I sleep in a bed, with blankets, not in a barn in chains. I am more baby girl than slave and my pregnancy is my ultimate gift to my Owner who desired to have a child. This is NOT just some fetish fantasy to be mocked or treated with disrespect. I will NOT tolerate being hassled, questioned beyond my comfort limits, or treated as some animal for amusement. There are plenty out there who enjoy such things but I am NOT one of them. If I am insulted, I will be a cunt to you and block you for offending me. My profile states right at the top to be kind and that I am not a farm animal, learn to read or be treated with equal disrespect.

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2/17/2017 9:26:27 AM


THE JOURNEY

Even after all this time, I am still learning. It can be difficult to be a slave. There are times I really want my own way, and am refused it. Anger's fire flashes through my whole body in the moment. Then I hear a small voice inside me reminding me, you wanted this. Yes, I did. I must force myself to calmness once again or face consequences.

Things are especially hard to control in my current state. Now 8 and a half months pregnant, body is doing things to me that I can not control. Hormones rise and fall and with it my emotions. I struggle to reign them in. I often seek understanding from my Master and find it lacking. Much to my despair. I wish he could know I am doing the best I can. He seems to grow weary of my whining and aching. I can't help it. Pre-labor contractions ripple through me, some painful. I look to him for comfort and find only irritation.

My mind runs wild. I am doing all this for him. He is the one who wanted me pregnant in the first place, despite my warnings to him. Now with a few weeks until I bring this child into the world, I have many questions. Many concerns, that go unheard. I have never done this as a slave before. Though I would think he should be more pleased with me. I work hard to make progress and always strive to do better. Though I think my Master does not agree.

He is not the first to expect more than I can give. More than I am truly capable of. I find myself wondering why can't men just understand? I guess since pregnancy is something they will never feel for themselves they just assume it is nothing to us women. We are expected to keep house, cook, clean, perform all as we did before. At least this has been my experience even before I committed to being a slave. Though I have discovered that when men are left alone even for just a few days with the same tasks they expect, they soon beg for a reprieve.

I finally broke down and cried last night. I have been trying so hard to be strong, to be what is expected. My efforts seem to go unnoticed. Met with increasingly more agitation I feel unwanted. I begin to doubt my choice to walk this path. Tears ran like mighty rivers, coursing through my entire body and my heart felt as if breaking into a million tiny pieces. My very soul shaken at it's core. Today I still can not stop them from running silently down my cheeks. I look around me and feel so utterly alone.


1/28/2017 8:08:20 PM


A REMINDER

Seems like I have to write about this every month or so. It is time once again to remind some people of a few things. Some out there seem to think that just because they have deemed themselves a Dom or Master that every slave/sub must grovel before them. It does not always work that way. Yes, some Doms/Owners will have their subs and slaves show respect to all Doms and Masters. Though, it should be known that NOT All Doms require this.

I happen to be a slave who is NOT required to show anyone respect who does not first respect me and my OWNED status. So to those who think they are Gods and Masters of the universe, sorry. To me, you are just a name on a screen. A nobody. I have no agreements with you or arrangements to abide by with any one but the one who OWNS me.

I am no ordinary slave. It takes a special kind of person to rule me. To tame me. Most of you out there are not it. What you think I should or should not do is irrelevant to me. What my Master allows or does not allow me to do, is none of your concern. I do not live to please any one but my Master.

Everyone lives this lifestyle a little differently. Some Owners let their subs and slaves post pics and have public profiles. This seems to piss off many self proclaimed Doms. Too bad, so sad. No one died and proclaimed any of you God of the BDSM world. Some Doms are very strict and adhere to many protocols, while others care little about protocols and more about loyalty and service. I am not the only owned slave allowed to share pictures of my naked body and I will not apologize for doing so. Insulting me and/or my Owner, only shows your own ignorance and low class. Perhaps, if you should ever get a sub, you can do things your way. Until then, stay out of things you know nothing about. Got control issues??? Get your own damn slave to order about like a dog. I am taken, so get over yourselves.

I do not have to answer every question I am asked, I do not have to call any of you Sir. I do not have to grovel, scrape and bow to anyone from the internet. If I tell you something is none of your business, then it is NONE of your business. Yes I am a slave, but I am not a slave to you or anyone I have not agreed to be slave to. This is not the land of Gor, or any other imaginary world. This is the United States of America and I live the life I do because I CHOSE to live it this way. I can not be bought or sold to anyone. I am not livestock on parade at auction. I am not a bimbo without a brain either. I think, I feel and I have a choice! I am loved and cherished and would not trade that for use and abuse at anytime. I will not be degraded or called humiliating names and will block any who do so to me.  If I am not kneeling before you and serving you food and drink and sex, then you are NOT MY MASTER!!!
Until the next time, be safe and sane y'all.

1/16/2017 1:13:39 PM



To My Loving Dragon

There was a time when I lay on the ground, broken, covered in mud, left to die. I had given up hope and was just waiting for death to come and take me. I wanted it, prayed for it. The sorrow so deep the tears would not stop. Not a soul in sight around to help me.

Just as I was at my lowest and ready to end it all, to give up... I saw a flicker of light in the shadowy mist surrounding me. A gentle voice spoke to me and said "You must not give up." I tried to turn away but, felt strong hands lift me up. Up out the mud and dirt. These hands wiped away my tears and cleaned away all the muddiness. I was too broken to walk so he carried me.

I looked into his eyes and saw kindness, but also a soul who had seen much pain. He smiled at me and said I was beautiful. We left the cold empty shadows that day. He took care of me in a way no other ever had. Showed me that I had so much to live for.


When I felt only weakness, he lent me his strength. When I could not run, we walked. When I fell down he came back and helped me up, dusted me off and held my hand. Every time I cried he held me close. Each day under his guidance, I grew stronger. I began to feel happiness and love. The darkness fled from me, replaced by light. He became my reason to get out of bed each morning. To let my voice sing, and my soul fly. Now he says I am his forever and he will never let me go. I believe him.

I am happy and proud to serve him with all that I am and have to offer. Even during the storms and trials that come, he never lets me forget that he loves me. Never once has he left my side. He calls me his baby girl, and he is my Daddy. I owe him so much. Every breath I take from this day to my last, is his...Forever and always, the flame will never die.

 ~The Dragon
 ~A poem by Shaquaela Fireheart
~ To The One who saved me

 A creature that invokes so many fears
 Showed me the meaning of my tears
 A beast of such infinite control
 Breathed new life into my soul
 An animal bringing treachery and fire
 Enticed within me a burning desire
 A Dragon from deep within the past
 Gave me a love that will forever last


1/14/2017 4:27:57 PM
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1/1/2017 3:01:41 AM


Angel's Wings


The snow it falls on new born year
The rain it hides my every tear
I sit in silence and watch life pass
Drown in sorrow hearts shatter like glass
A life inside it waits to awaken
Broken soul with faith left shaken
Burdens to bear no end in sight
Darkness devours every beam of light
Death ever present calling my name
Nude on the floor writhing in shame
Candles they flicker as winds blow by
Sand in the desert drifting through time
Every day comes a new dawn sings
But only for those blessed with angel's wings

copyright 2017
original work by Shaquaela Fireheart


12/31/2016 11:29:32 AM


WTF

So did everyone just wake up and decide to be an asshole to me today? WTF did I do to any of them? Oh, that's right I am not available to be their little piggy, or to be fucked or used by any of their loser wanna-be asses. I have been called fat, told to get a real life and called a tramp today. Ahhh, poor little cry babies. Want what is taken and can't handle rejection. Could have saved yourself the trouble to just read the fucking profile in the first place! All the info is there for you, not for me...For you!

Insulting me is just showing your true intelligence levels which must be about zero! What is this 3rd grade? Can't have the girl so call her names to make yourself feel better? Well I must say, I am happily owned. That is not a crime. I am dedicated to my Owner, and not going to sneak around with anyone. So get your rocks off somewhere else, I don't care! All these jerks are under 30 and wanting to be a MASTER... AHAHAHA that is funny. They should get a real life. They are not masters of anything. So they read or watched fifty shades of grey and now want to beat on a woman, isn't that special?

The real Doms and Dommes in this lifestyle know that there is so much more to this way of life than beating on someone or just getting laid in some kinky fashion. This is a life of commitment, submission and trust. Though I don't expect some 23 yr old wanna-be to understand that. All he is thinking in his empty little head is, gotta get pussy!

To any who think I don't have a real life, you are wrong. I serve my Owner in real life 24/7. I am carrying his baby in my belly! Soon I will be raising his child and still serving him. This isn't some online game I play to pass the time. This isn't RP or sex chat to get off to. This is as real as it gets. To gift my Master a child is a show of how deeply I am committed to him and our journey together. Yes we began online but it has become something more. I moved my entire life to come and be at his side. To cook, clean and perform any sexual desire he may have. Not to type words on a page and live in a fantasy world. This is my life and I am one of the few who walk the walk, not just talk the talk.

So you petty losers who think you can just throw insults for not getting your way, YOU GET A LIFE! I found my happiness while you still seek one night stands. I have a purpose and a calling and I am living it each and every day. Next time you call me names or tell me to get a life, just look in the mirror because it is really a reflection on yourself!


12/28/2016 4:56:31 PM
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12/23/2016 8:08:12 PM


Merry Christmas to all my friends!

12/18/2016 8:32:58 PM
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11/23/2016 7:28:42 PM
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11/6/2016 9:26:01 PM


So I posted up some new pics and every asshole around is coming out of the woodwork. The ones who need to read this most probably will never take the time. I am hot, I get it. Thanks for noticing. I am also very owned and NOT shared. I am not for sale, NOT to be rented or used by anyone but my Master. Get it?

Just because you dumb fucks write me once and wait three months then write me again like you never messaged me, does not mean I don't remember you. This site shows me all the history and every message ever sent to me or replied to. You dumb fucks. I have it written twice right in my profile at my OWNED status, but too many are illiterate or some shit. I am so sick of being asked very personal questions and overall disrespected. Just because I am a slave does NOT mean you can just say whatever the fuck you want to me. I am NOT YOUR SLAVE. I belong to someone and you should respect that ownership if nothing else.

I happen to be pregnant with my owner's baby and we are in a committed relationship for LIFE. Yes for LIFE, so leave your compliments and then get off my fucking case. I am not going to fuck any of you jerk faces, ever. I am off the market unless I post otherwise. 

So many think it is ok to ask me very personal questions about my sexuality, about how I plan to have my birth, and breast feeding. I get asked about my tits and areolas, and about my pussy and my ass. None of that is any of your concern. So the fuck what if I am a slave. I am not your slave and I do not have to answer to any of you. My life is between me and my MASTER! If I choose to post such information it is my choice and with my OWNER'S consent. HE READS ALL MY MESSAGES YOU IDIOTS. Nothing is on the "down low" or behind his back. I do not sneak around. I do not keep secrets and I am not going to have sex with any one from this site. You can not "bribe" him or pay him any amount of money or sexual favors to have a fuck fest with me. I AM NOT SHARED. If I could shoot off all the dicks of the morons I encounter everyday I would! Maybe then these shit-for-brains could think clearly for once in their lives. 

Have some respect. How many times a day do I have to educate you brainless motherfuckers? I am owned property. At the very least show my OWNER some respect and keep things on a "friends only" basis. If you are too stupid to understand this simple principle then you will get told where you can go and exactly how to get there. Now fuck off and leave me to have and raise my child in peace. I thought posting pregnant pictures would give these tards a clue. The ones too stupid to read a profile. Nope. IT just makes them want to have me all the more. UH DUH... I did not get pregnant without help morons! And if you think my Master is about to endanger his baby by letting assholes USE me for pleasure and whatever else they think, then you are dead wrong and will get told off in a most disrespectful way. BE RESPECTFUL, OR LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE.  I am out of patience with everyone who uses their little tiny dicks to think.

10/24/2016 7:13:01 PM


I have not written for a while. I was up late last night thinking. Seems that is when my mind wants to grab a hold of things and run. I was laying in bed thinking about what I love about my Dragon. Little things he does that make my life feel special. Things no one has ever done for me.

We have all heard about his strict side and that he makes me fall in line. There is another side. A kind and sweet side. The side that sings me lullabies when I am sad or sleepy. The side that walks me home every night and helps me undress. Tucking me into bed before leaving. I love how he takes such good care of me. I have never been loved like this before. It makes my heart melt.

So much love. So deep and interconnected. I adore when he is playful and jokes around with me. What we share is unique and special. I can't imagine my life without my Dragon. Guarding and protecting me. Teaching me. Giving the guidance I have searched for. Everyday I have something to look forward to. A reason to exist and a purpose to life.

Only a year ago, I had no idea my life could be like this. This time last year was so very different from where I am at now. Funny how life can change so drastically in a blink of the eye. This time, I am glad it did. Love you my Dragon, forever and always. The flame within will never die...


10/5/2016 4:11:40 PM


Dear Diary,

I guess it is time for an update. I know many of my last writings were a bit down. Life has been good as of late. Things are looking up. I am set to get a new apartment in January, so I can finally get out of my transitional housing and into something a little more roomy. My owner and I are on a waiting list for a 1 bedroom. We can finally live under one roof together with our new baby due in March. I am so excited for that.

I have been loving this cooler weather and life has become more enjoyable. Been so busy with appointments and errands and it is nice to have it pleasant outside instead of hotter than the sun! Finally have some steady income and have been starting to get stuff for the little one on the way. Don't have much yet but we add to it each payday. 

I feel I understand my place as a slave more and more under the guidance of my Dragon. I find that I think more before I challenge him. Usually, it is not worth the consequences that follow. Even though it has been 6 months now since my big move, I still have so much to learn. I never had consequences or rules enforced on me, not since childhood at least. I am still adjusting to that. At least he is typically patient with me, even when disciplinary action is required.

Recently, during a spat we were having, I decided to not obey a direct order. I ignored it in fact and was punished.  This surprised me, as I have been allowed to get away with many things lately. Not this time I guess. At first I was so angry, partly with him, partly with myself. When the emotional aspect died down, I realized I deserved it. After all, I did agree to obey and serve my Dragon always. Not only did I agree to these terms, but I crave them and am left very dissatisfied when such actions are not taken. Yes, in the moment I do not like it one bit... but, after a bit of time, I am glad that he stepped up and put me back in my place. That is what a Master should do. Otherwise, why have a Master at all? Pregnant or not, I am still His slave. 

It has been a long time since I was seriously disciplined. I hope after this I am more aware and that I won't be punished again for a long time. Even after laying this punishment on me, he held me close and cuddled with me. Inside I felt like trash, unworthy of such love. I think I am harder on myself than any punishment ever could be. Tormented by thoughts of failure and inadequacy. It takes me days  to come to terms with my failures. For the anxiety to pass and the self torture to fade away. I had hoped to be released of my punishment early but, it seems to have stuck this time. Though. it is due to end this weekend. As long as I stay out of trouble in the meantime. Perhaps next time I will not be so stubborn. 

9/28/2016 10:18:21 AM


Lost

I thrash and scream into the darkness
Take me away from this life's harshness
My soul it aches and now is bleeding
My heart cries out and it is needing
Time is slipping right through our hands
Lost in the wind like desert sands
Evermore I wish I could just flee
Where would I go, I can not see
Life has become my burden to bear
Fallen into thorns, my skin they tear
Battered and bruised I walk all alone
Searching forever to find my home


~copyright 2016

9/27/2016 8:14:40 PM


In need of a friend... 

9/12/2016 12:26:37 PM

8/31/2016 7:20:46 AM



Whimsy

My favorite time of year is approaching! In the early morning I can feel a nip in the air. The nights are getting a touch chilly. I love fall. I have especially been counting down the days this year, as I had to suffer the heat of summer without any air conditioning. Yes, I know, sad right? I think that is why I was so very grumpy this summer. I also love Halloween. Don't think I will get to dress up for any occasion, but I may do it just for a photo shoot. Time to break out the hoodies and socks and blankies... I can't wait.

Life has been good over the last couple of weeks. Temps have been cooler, the nausea and headaches from early pregnancy have subsided. I feel pretty good lately. I have so much to look forward to right now. I can hardly contain my excitement.

I want to say thank you to my Dragon for being understanding with me during this time of emotional chaos. I am sure it has not been easy for him. I cry because I see a diaper commercial these days... it is pathetic. At least he has kept his sense of humor and helps me when I need it most. Even when I am not so lovable. I would have given up if not for him by my side every step of the way. We still have far to go, but I know he will be there, his hand in my hand, swatting my ass when needed, and holding me tightly.

Today I feel so whimsical and alive. I want to turn up my music and dance. It is early in the morning though and I think my neighbors might complain if I did that... But that is my mood right now. I want to fly. I hope this feeling lasts a while. I do so enjoy when I feel this way.

There is a story floating around in my head, I think I may just write it. If I do I will post it here. It is erotic and sensual. Though I am not so sure it is all that different from some of the other stories I have posted. Same basic concepts really. Bondage, sexuality, discipline. I never tire of those things. We will see how the day goes, if I write it or not. I am off not to make some breakfast, tata


8/22/2016 6:32:19 PM



Forced Fantasies

What is so hard for some people to understand? It is in my profile. I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR YOUR DIRTY THOUGHTS OR FANTASIES.  Yes, I am on an adult site. Yes, I have naked pictures posted. That is not an invitation to send all your twisted fantasies to my inbox, without my prior consent. I do not consent to hearing about what you want to do to me, or wish you could do. I AM AN OWNED AND COLLARED SLAVE.  I am here for the friends I have made over my time here, not to talk dirty to anyone. Especially without a proper, hello... want to have some fun? Are you owned? etc... 

Some out there get so mad at me because I don't want to hear it. Just because I am on this site does not mean I want to know everyone's kinky thoughts. It is a free country and a free site. I am here to be looked at and admired. To boost my self image and get feedback on my pictures. I am here to chat with friends and meet new people who sometimes give great advice. 

If your first message to me is some dirty fantasy, thought or desire... I am not going to respond well to you and you will get blocked. To me forcing me to be exposed to your thoughts is tantamount to RAPE. Yes I said it. You are forcing me to endure something I did NOT consent to. Just because it is words on a page, does not mean it can't do harm. My Owner reads every mail I get, so you are insulting me and the one who owns me to assume I want you the way you want me. Just because you see my profile, and think, ooohhh I want to fuck that...does not mean I feel the same way about you. If I want to talk dirty I will let ya know! Until we have an agreement and I give consent, keep your fantasies and dirty kinky thoughts to yourselves or face the consequences. Not every female you see is going to have a burning desire to get on her knees and suck your cocks. Make sure she is into you before you go spouting your BS. Now buzz off and leave me in peace!

8/15/2016 8:34:11 AM

8/8/2016 8:40:48 AM



Chimera vs. Dragon

Today I want to write about why I am in awe of my Dragon. Lately, we have had our share of tiffs. No matter how mad we get at one another, he always makes sure I know he loves me. I have never met anyone who could handle me the way he does. When my Chimera side comes out, most of the men in my life before, tucked their tails and cowered before me, caving to my every desire and whim. Intimidated by my fierceness and ferocious behavior. A few were even frightened of me.

My Dragon is not like this. When Chimera comes out, his Dragon side rises to meet me head on. He matches my ferocity and tenacity. I have always said, that to rule me, one must be able to defeat me in battle. When he and I do battle, he never fails to subdue me and return me to my more submissive nature.

Of course in the moment, I am usually angry about this... Thinking, why does he not cave like all who came before him? Though, the deepest most primal part of me is happy that he does not. Long have I searched for this. I need it and crave it. For when others before him would cave, sure I would be happy I got what I wanted, but I would be left wanton for someone who would stand up to me. Put me in my proper place and not allow me to make a doormat of him.

I did some thinking on this and came to realize that no mere mortal could ever hope to face down a Chimera. What a scary beast to stand against. I even frighten myself at times. My Dragon however, is better equipped to do battle against such a beast, for what is scarier than a full Dragon? Sometimes our battles will last for several hours, but in the end my inner beast is subdued and I am left a purring kitten in my Dragon's arms.

When all the ferocity has passed and I feel the shame of what I have done and said to my Master and Owner...When I am at my most vulnerable, that is when he reprimands me for what was out of line and what is to not happen again in the future. I can only fall to my knees ashamed and in tears. He picks me up and holds me tight. Telling me how much he loves me, and that he always will, no matter what. He pets my head, and wipes away all my tears. Calms my fears and tells me I am forgiven. For who better to understand this inner beast than one who has his own inner beast?

He is the first I have met to not take away his love, even at my most stubborn, he never lets me forget that he loves me. Even my own mother withheld her love. Not him. At times he must grab a handful of hair or even take my throat in his hands, forcefully guiding me to a submissive posture. He stares deeply into my eyes right down to my very soul. I can not hold his gaze for long. The fire in his eyes matching my own. I look away and he lets me up and hugs me tightly to him, even as he scolds me for challenging him. He reminds me of my place as slave and shows me that he is my Master and ruler.

So long I have searched for this. Even before I knew what I was searching for. I found my vanilla relationships lacking...something. The men were so spineless, so weak. To have finally found what I was seeking is a miracle in my world. He never gives up on me. Even if he has to walk away and let me be alone for some time, he always returns after awhile to see if anything in my attitude has changed. Many would and have given up on me. I am a lot to handle. My Dragon refuses to give up on me, always teaching and guiding me towards my truest self. This is why I can not just walk away. Even when I want to give up. He won't let me quit. He won't leave me behind when I fall or stumble.

When I used to imagine what my true owner would be like, this is what I imagined. I have been one of the rare lucky ones to find it. Yes life gets hard at times and we are both human and make mistakes along the way. We argue at times and fight with each other. I often lash out in anger and try to to leave wounds that hurt. In the end love holds us together and drives us forward deepening our connection and bonds. Those of you who follow my journey have seen me fall, and get back up. Seen me want to quit. Want to run and hide. My Dragon won't allow this and for that I am grateful. He may not always give me what I want, but always seems to know just what I need.

I just thought I would share this, for those wondering why I stay and not leave when things get tough. Not many out there could handle the real me. I can not even handle myself. My Dragon understands me on a level no one ever has before. He can see past the angry growling beast to the frightened little child within. This is why I continue to serve him, to keep trying when all seems lost. Even to try harder for him. He would never quit on me, and I will stay at his side faithfully. Thanks for reading.


8/4/2016 10:01:48 AM



GOOD NEWS

So there has been much negativity in my journals as of late. I think it is time for a switch. Things between my Dragon and I were worked out and smoothed over. Common ground reached. So please, no more commentary on that issue if you would. I appreciate the sympathy and so on, but I am just tired of that subject now. Things are back on track, ok..? O...K... good, moving on

I got some very exciting and big news yesterday. My Dragon and I are going to be having a baby! I am now just over 7 weeks pregnant and baby is looking great so far, I am told. This explains a lot of my emotional roller coaster the last few weeks. As well as the nausea and headaches I have been having. We are both very excited. I am due on march 14th.

So much yet to do to get ready. Gotta find a bigger place to live. Need a crib, diapers, toys, clothes, stroller, well, pretty much everything. 7 months does not seem like very much time to pull it all together. All my good friends are out of state so a baby shower is not very likely to happen. Just me and him working as a team to get it all done in time.

I just got this news yesterday while in the ER. I was having pain and non stop nausea. Thought maybe I had another kidney stone. We had been trying a couple months ago to get me pregnant but with no success. So we gave up when the OB/gyn told me it would be difficult to get pregnant at my age. Then the sneaky little, tiny, lima-bean hopped in there when we least expected it. Isn't that always the way of things?

I of course have some fears. Where will we live? How will we manage to move with no vehicle? How will we afford it all? Will me C-section scar be ok through the whole ordeal? Will I have a normal birth or will I have to have another C-section? I am already told I must have a MD and not a midwife for this pregnancy, just in case. I prefer a midwife. They are more nurturing and less mechanical, in my experience. I was hoping to do a water birth, will have to see if I am allowed to or not.

I was not able to get a copy of yesterday's ultrasound. They tried but told me it would not print out. Somehow I don't believe them, but what can I do except wait for the next ultrasound. When I get a copy, I will post a pic of it in my pictures.

I am feeling rather day dreamy and dazed by the new information. Will it be a boy or a girl? I have 3 boys, so a little girl would be really nice. Though, I mostly am concerned with a healthy baby all in all. As well as a normal and smooth pregnancy. So far, so good. Hope this will change the topic of the comments in my inbox!!! Blessings and thanks for reading.


8/2/2016 7:31:09 AM


A Place To Vent

Wow. Some people just don't get it, do they? You try to explain it to them, but they are stupid or something. Why do some people get so upset with me for venting things in my public journals here? I mean, what is their problem, really? As a subservient slave, I can't just blow up at my Owner. At least, not without serious repercussions. I can not throw myself on the floor, like a 3 year old and wail until something budges. I have protocols and rules I am supposed to follow. So, one of my only outlets is to write about things here.

Could I write it in a private journal? Yes, I could. Though, if I do that, I then do not get so much of the helpful insight and advice that often comes with posting it. Also, I feel posting it publicly helps keep my Owner from turning to Dictator absolute. If the community is watching, he must be accountable to more than just me. It also works for me the same way. I am then held accountable for what I do and say. If I go overboard and say things I shouldn't have, I certainly hear about it from dozens and can readjust my own outlook on things.

Sometimes I can say a thing until I am blue in the face and will not be heard. If I post a journal and 5 other people also say what I was trying to say, then that changes things and suddenly that thing is not just in my mind and can no longer be ignored. 5 other people also agreed and it gets my Owner to take another look and see that maybe I had a good point after all.

Other times maybe I am the one being stubborn and just trying to get my way when I should really submit. When that is the case many people often come forward and say so. I think posting my issues in a vague-ish manner can be a helpful tool for me and whomever owns me. Most of my owners have actually encouraged this as well.

Then you get some "know-it-all's" who think that all matters should be kept private and that I have no business posting my problems, or successes for thousands to see. That is their opinion. They are free to have it, but to get upset or even angry at me for doing something that really does not impact their life in any way, is foolish and a waste of energy and time. I often block these people, who then can't stand I had the last word and will make a new profile just to say more. Like, really, get the hint ass-wipe I had enough of your opinions already. If my owner approves of me posting our issues as a way to vent and seek advice, then no one else should give a rat's ass about it. It is not their life. I am not their sub/slave. If they do not approve, then Move On! Leave me be. If I am doing something wrong, it is up to my owner to deal with it as he sees fit and according to our personal agreements and negotiations.

Sometimes I do get caught up in the height of emotional distress and say things that cause concern for the onlookers. As I mentioned, it is a place for me to **vent** many things that get bottled up for a long time. It is where I can put my feelings down and have them looked at by my owner and others. Often there is backlash. I deal with it. It helps me know I may have gone too far in saying what was on my mind. Though I will add, once it is said I can be rid of it and purge that feeling. 99% of the time, the issues I was writing about get dealt with and resolved, eventually. Though a record now stands of the growth that took place for me and my owner.

For those that read between the lines, don't. I say what I feel in the moment, right or wrong, is determined by the other party involved. If I was in any real danger of abuse or neglect or some other truly bad situation, I would get myself out of it. After all, slavery in the US is outlawed and I could always call the police if I find myself in a dangerous situation. So far, thankfully, that has not happened. Still things happen that upset me and I need a way to vent off the steam of it. Once it is said and I can look it over, the emotions pass and most things get worked out in the end. When things get worked out, I post an update so that concerned readers no longer worry.

To some it may seem that I am bi-polar or something because I was so mad and then I am not. Are we not all human? Do we not all have a disagreement with someone we care about? In that moment, are things said you wish you could take back? Some people throw things. Others yell loudly or shout. Some cuss and swear. Once the anger and other emotions settle, do we not look at the mess we made and begin to clean it up? I know I am not the only one who gets mad and writes about it here. I have read many venting journals that were later retracted or updated to post the new situation. We are creatures in constant motion. Like ocean tides, we rise and fall only to rise again. Forgive me if I just happen to share my ride of life with many people.

If you do not agree then simply do not read it and move along to something else you do approve of. Do not berate me and analyze me for what I have done, it is none of your concern. I post the journals for myself first and foremost. For my owner secondly. I do understand that backlash can and will occur but if I block you, know I have had enough of your point of view. Why make or log onto another profile just to continue to harass me, to what? Prove you are right and I am wrong? Is it really worth all that trouble and hassle? If so then I am not the one with mental issues, but those who simply must have the last word. It says more about that person than it does me really. These types always say that they rarely get involved in other people's affairs. They have all kinds of justifications for their actions. Well, if you are one who must argue with me long after it has served it's purpose then it is you with the issues, not me. I got mad, vented and moved on. I was not the one being a harassing idiot chasing me all over the internet to force me to see your point of view. I say, agree to disagree and thanks for your opinion.

It is my life and I will live it my way. The only real opinion I care about is my Owner's opinion. It is He that I must please and serve, no one else. It is he who I have committed my life and service to, no one else. So if I do not like or take a person's advice, then let it go and get on with your own lives. I am sure no one out there is perfect. Even if they are a "professional" counselor. Those are the worst in my opinion. They think they have the authority to "fix" everyone. I am not looking to be fixed thanks. I am just living my life. Sometimes things go great and I post about that. Other times things fall by the wayside, I post about that. Sometimes my postings help others who may be struggling with a similar issue, though it was not posted for them but, for myself.

I really could care less if a person out there thinks I am flaky, mental, bi-polar, a handful...or anything else. They do not own me. They do not know me or spend everyday with me. It is not them I am trying to impress or please. Don't like what I wrote, great, it is not for you, get over it. If my Owner has issues with what I wrote, then he will handle it. Yes he does read the postings. Yes we do discuss what I wrote and why. Yes, he does talk with me about it and if it can be solved, it is. If not, then it is worked on until we reach some common ground. Are either of us perfect? No, we have misunderstandings. We fall into bad habits or let things get routine. We forget our goals at times and get lazy. The sub sometimes has to push the Dom to keep the spark alive. There are flames that need to be fanned often to keep the relationship alive, for both sides. No Dom is perfect and no sub/slave is perfect. It is a work in progress always. If anyone thinks otherwise, then I say they are delusional or a fake wanna-be who never had to deal with real life or real people.

All this being said, I will continue to post my growth, my failures, my issues and my success stories for as many who wish to read it. I appreciate most of the comments and insights offered. It helps me keep the balance and perspective on track. Sometimes it even brings up things I never considered or thought of, like the other side's point of view. I enjoy hearing about how thing are from the Dom's perspective at times. I can get caught up in my own little world and often forget what it must be like to be the one bearing all the burden. To be the one making decisions all the time. So I appreciate many points of view. Just be warned that if things in the comments get too heated and I hit the block button, just move on. Your words will only fall on deaf ears at that point. In the end, remember it is MY life and I will live it my way. Blessings and thanks for reading.


7/31/2016 6:22:00 PM


Update

I am getting many messages about my journal earlier. Some take my point of view, others have taken the other side. I have gotten much advice to consider and mull over. Thank you to those who took time to share their thoughts, it has been most helpful.

I would like to state that as a slave, I have agreed to the notion that I have no rights, except that which I am given. Those rights can be taken away at any time. I feel that a power like this can corrupt many Doms/Dommes into feeling rather God-like. In my opinion it is the duty of the slave or sub to maintain the balance for themselves. To make sure they do not become door mats, walked on and mistreated. If this means they rise up and fight for their dignity, at times so be it. Submission is a gift and one of the most powerful gifts a person can give to another, but it is our responsibility to see that this gift is not abused or taken for granted.

Today I rose up and made a stand to not let the power exchange between my Dragon and I go beyond what I am willing to submit to. It re-opened lines of communication that had been sealed over. It brought to the surface a reminder of my humanity, that i am more than just property. It got us talking again, and this was a good thing in the end.

Some have said what I described was abusive, others have reminded me that a slave must always remember their place as subservient. I think both points of view are valid and I took steps to prevent my situation from turning truly abusive. I have seen many slaves become so submissive they allow their owners to do terrible, painful, awful things to them. I am not down for that. A contract was negotiated and it is my job as the submissive to see that the boundaries are not pushed past my limits. I think the many Dominants, male or female, are always trying to push the boundaries of their pets, toys, subs...etc. If they are willing, more power to them. If they are not, then they need to remind their owner of the negotiations or else those agreements go right out the window.

I want everyone to know that my Dragon and I came to an understanding after much discussion. We found our common ground and boundaries were re-established. A even good Dom may get caught up in the height of power and let it go to their head. If they are truly caring of their property, they will listen in the end and back off if that is what is called for. My journal was my cry to him for exactly that and it succeeded. I feel my Dragon really does love and care about me. He has my interests at heart and has been my guide through many dark and trying times. I think it just got to a point of see how far the power exchange will go and I hit my wall, my breaking point. My pleas were heard and things are on the mend.

Thank you to everyone for the helpful messages. Blessings


7/31/2016 10:19:29 AM


Forbidden

Lately more and more subject matters are being forbidden to discuss. I feel as though I am being silenced. *Sit down, shut up and be a good fuck toy...* This is what I feel is happening. This is not the Dragon I fell in love with and came to know. He used to listen to me and we used to discuss things openly. He used to hear what I had to say, and tried to fix it. Tried to console me and soothe away my fears. Now it is just, "This matter is now closed and forbidden to discuss again..."

He gets mad at me when I try to turn then to my online friends. Saying house matters are none of anyone's business. He says I am supposed to accept him as he is and that he accepts me as I am, but he does not. I need to talk about things. I need closure and resolution to things that trouble me. He is doing his best to stifle me. This is NOT acceptance not matter how you try to candy coat it.

I don't think he understands the damage this is doing to our relationship and my trust in him as Master and leader. I am losing respect for him more and more. Resentment grows like a cancer and I begin to question if I am falling out of love with him. My adoration used to be absolute. Now I am no longer excited to see him, but anxious and nervous. Having issues that bother me and no outlet for them without punishment. This is not Domination but Tyranny. I did not sign up for tyranny.

He seems to forget that even though there is a leader and a follower, this is still a partnership. If I cease to be willing to submit, then he is King of nothing. I dance with thoughts of leaving this relationship that has become oppressing to me. He used to lift me up and helped me to fly... now he just wants to keep me under his thumb. *Shut up and spread your legs, cunt* This is turning toxic to me and I grow restless with each passing day.

I am so sad because we began so strong, so connected. What happened? I will tell you. Like all men, he finally got what he wanted and now thinks he can slack off. He expects me NOT to slack off though and still do everything I always did. I just can't if my partner is not doing their share, I begin to fall back as well. It is not fair to punish me for slacking off when my leader is doing the exact same thing. When I try to plead my case, I am told the matter is closed and no longer allowed to discuss it. **FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!**

I moved my whole life. I changed everything. I was living in Colorado and moved to Washington to be with him. I left things that were dear to me behind. I made one of the toughest decisions of my life and this is how I am repaid for my obedience and service? Is this what BDSM is? Use up all the good slaves so there are none left? My heart breaks into a thousand tiny pieces. I thought this would be different. I thought we really had something special. Soon as he got his hands on me, he changed. Or perhaps he showed me who he really was at long last.

I can see his efforts to isolate me from my circle of friends. My soul cries out for justice. Tears stream down my cheeks like tiny rivers. I feel betrayed. Deceived. Lied to. I believed and trusted and took a huge leap of faith. I am starting to think he is not who I thought he was. Like so many before him. I have learned in my 37 years, that men will say and do anything to get what they want. I spent 8 years getting to know my first husband, once we were married, he became a new creature entirely. Cheated on me and broke my heart, shattered my whole world. I nearly took my own life I was so devastated.

You can never really know a person. No matter how many years you put in. I wear my heart on my sleeve and am honest and true... for what?!? All I get is deception and used. Do they really care what I want or need, no, it seems not. This is a sad day for me and I think I will spend it bathed in tears. Is there anyone out there with a heart as true as mine? I have fallen into despair and am in a very dark place. I think I like the shadows and will remain here a good long while until my heart is as cold as the arctic tundra. Frozen as solid rock so I can never be hurt or deceived again.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w7JRWHCKkIY


7/27/2016 7:10:13 PM



Risen

So I figure a follow up is in order, for those who follow my journey. Today was not as bad as I had feared. My Dragon's anger subsided and while I was disciplined, it was not overly so. He spent some time reassuring me this morning and reaffirming our bond. I really needed that. Today he has been more stern with me than typically, but I suppose that is to be expected. I am grateful he has forgiven me and we can move forward. I learned a valuable lesson I am not likely to repeat anytime soon. I think he learned a few things about me as well.

In the end, our original issue was resolved and now life can get back on track. I still have my Dragon to guide and protect me, he still has his alpha slave at his side. I don't think I will be giving my Dragon any more ultimatums for the foreseeable future. I hope though, that he learned I will stand up for a cause I believe in strongly and am not a mindless doormat. Still he has used every opportunity to remind me of my place throughout today. The Chimera has been subdued and I am my submissive self once again.

Thank you all for reading and to those who commented and gave me great insights and things to consider. I am being summoned back to my duties now so I must run.


7/27/2016 1:19:59 AM



Blasted Tower

Well my Tarot called it for sure. I hate drawing that card. I just didn't know it would come to pass so quickly. Sometimes we subs/slaves do foolish things without giving the consequences much thought. Or maybe just to see what will happen. I only wish I could undo my foolish thing, but I can't. The damage is done and now I fear things may not be the same.

Today I asked my Dragon to release me. I tried to give him back my collar. He denied my request and would not take the collar I held out in my hand, trembling as it was. I think he knew I really didn't want to be released. It sure got a reaction though. Not the one I was hoping for.

It began because I made a simple request. He always gets angry with me for this one request. No matter how nicely I ask it, he just gets angry with me. I am now afraid to come to him over certain things. My trust shaken. My admiration flown out the window. All I can think is, is this really going to be my life? Could there be a better one out there for me?

After all that happened this night, I am afraid to do or say anything. I held my shot gun in my hands a very long time contemplating... After all, it only takes one bullet to end the world. I talked to her. She does not judge me or get angry with me over silly things. She is sleek and black and understands. I even held the bullets in my hands. Then suddenly as if a spirit or divinity came to me, I became angry instead of desperate. I wrapped her lovingly in her bindings and put her and the bullets away. NO, I will not end it this way.

My Dragon was clearly hurt by my asking release and when I apologized he doled out punishment for the way I had acted. I do not agree with this action, but I am not really ready to give up on "us" just yet either. My hands, still smelling of gun metal, turned to writing to vent my frustration and confusion. There was a time I could tell my Dragon anything without fear. He had always told me to never fear talking to him. Now I do and I am unsure how to proceed. He finally could deal with the matter no more and went to bed. Now he sleeps. Sleep eludes me as my mind is so busy with "what now?"

My head hurts from crying and my eyes are now so dry they feel like the whole Sahara desert is inside them. I want to cry even more for I feel such despair. Why does he get so angry at such a simple request? Though I must admit, today I did not exactly put my request nicely... well, being nice and meek has never brought me any good results with this matter before. I thought I would try a new approach and tried to manipulate him to get what I wanted. I failed miserably. Now I sit, anxiously awaiting the consequences of my actions to unfold with the dawn. Where oh where, is the 'undo' button now?

(Adding to this as I am getting many comments already on the asking release part)

 I was taught by my first owner, that emotions and tensions can often run high in a D/s, M/s relationship. More so than in ordinary relationships. The sub/slave asks to be released rather than huffing off to mother's or some other place to hide, not only because they are the owner's property and need permission to leave, but also because when emotions run high, it gives the owner a chance to think things over more carefully and consider if the relationship really is worth ending over the issue. Sometimes we subs, especially females, can be over emotional and things seem bigger than they actually are in the heat of the moment.

 If I had been an ordinary girlfriend I probably would have gone to my mother's or sister's for a while. I would have just walked away. Obviously my owner does not think the issue we dealt with is worth ending things, as my request for release was denied. Now that the night has passed and morning has come, I too think I was very emotional and not thinking very clearly.

 Still, not happy about the issue at hand and think it needs dealing with, but perhaps in a different way than it would have been handled when I was mad and angry and hurting. I think to myself, if I was at my sister's I would be regretting it now. I can only hope that the damage can be repaired. I think my owner must think it can or he would have granted me the release. He still sleeps and I hate waiting to find out my fate. Hope this clears up a few of the questions I have been getting.



7/17/2016 4:50:01 PM



Forgotten

Have you ever just felt forgotten? Like the world and those around you have ceased to care? Gone on with their own lives and never give a second thought to your existence. Today I feel this way. So many have walked into my life, sometimes out of the blue and made such drastic impacts. Helped me make very big and life changing decisions, and then they vanish, almost as if they were never there. Ghosts, apparitions and vague memories all that is left in their wake. So many of them promising to always be there, to never leave my side. Then, why is it, I feel so alone?

I think about the role these special people played, and wonder... were they angels? Messengers sent to guide me down a difficult path? Now their purpose served, they disappear from my world, in most cases...forevermore. Do any of them watch still? In silence perhaps. Or, have they gone from this plane entirely? I typically never get the satisfaction of knowing. As far as my mind knows, they exist no more. They could have been merely figments for all I know, it has been so long since I heard or felt any of their presence.

Every now and then one of these path altering people will re-emerge from the shadows. Speak with me briefly and vanish into thin air once again. I ponder the purpose for all of this. I know some people are not meant to remain in our lives for long. They change our course, shuffle our deck of life's cards and simply walk away. Like some storm or tempest. Are they aware of the currents they alter? The chaos they leave when they are gone? Do they care? I think I may never know these answers. I guess I must just be grateful they were there. Lights in the darkness, a hand to hold in times of tribulation. I hope they know, I will always remember them. I can only hope they remember me too.


7/15/2016 7:31:33 AM



There seems to be a lot of confusion from my last journal. To answer everyone's questions, YES I AM STILL OWNED. I am not sure why everyone thinks that I am suddenly not... 

So let me explain briefly. I was living with his family. My move to Washington was sudden and not well planned out. So I had to share a house with his mother, sister, the sister's boyfriend and my master's nephew. There was drama on a daily basis. The place was not kept very clean and smelled strongly of cats. To me it was like living in Hell. My Master lived across town and his apartment is a studio. Here in Washington, most studio apartments are single occupancy. No one else can live there. 

This meant I could visit my Master each day, but had to return to his family's apartment at night. I hated the arrangement, but it was better than being on the street. I applied for my own studio apartment so I could live closer to my Master. It took months of waiting as this town is growing fast and vacant, affordable apartments are hard to come by. Finally after almost 4 months I got my apartment. It is in the same building my Master lives in, so I only have to walk down the hall to see him now. I am away from all the drama, and cats. This is a happier situation than I was in before. 

I still serve my Master. I am still His property. I hope this will clear up all the confusion for those who have not followed the whole story or who find my writing vague. I am happy to answer any questions about my journals, but so many seemed to think I was released and uncollared. Sorry to those who had hopes of snatching me up... I am just free of the drama I was stuck living in. Though, I must say I am grateful they were able to take me in on such short notice and allowed me to stay until I could find a more suitable arrangement, stressful as it all was. Thank you to my Master who cared enough to make sure I was housed, even if it was not with him. Soon we will have a place together, but apartments are hard to come by and there are waiting lists for the size of apartment we want to have, at the prices we can afford. Thanks for reading and being concerned! 

7/7/2016 9:33:44 PM


Sea of Tranquility

Peace has returned at long last! It is so nice to be free from anxious butterflies, to not be worrying. To not have to face unwanted drama on a daily basis anymore. I think it is safe to say, I love my new apartment. It was a long rocky road to get here, but I have finally arrived. So worth it. I can breathe easy and I like how that feels.

I finally have time and energy to enjoy all the things I had lost sight of in the last few months. Desire is reborn. Life is once again worth living, though many sacrifices were made to get to this point. I am actually happy. Truly happy. It has been so very long. I hope that this time of serenity will last for me. They say change is not easy, and that is the understatement of the year, lol... It has been a road worth taking in spite of the many bumps I experienced along the way. I hope it will be smooth sailing for a good long time.

Just thought I would make a brief update before bed. I can now enjoy the lights out when I want, no cigarette smoke in my face, peace and quiet. Such small things to enjoy but, when one does not have these things, it is all that matters in the world. I no longer dread going home, and I have been elevated out of my purgatory at long last. Time of tribulation has passed, at least for now. Good night to all...


6/29/2016 7:21:52 PM


Dragon Fire


He took me by force. Leaving me no choice but to surrender to His will. Flogged, fucked, I was reminded of my place. I need that sometimes. Ok, lots of times. I do get arrogant and sassy. When enough is enough, I am shown little mercy, though, always from a place of love.

I often ask myself, what have I done? Why is it I allow this to be? I guess every other life left me wanton and unsatisfied. This Dragon has made me fear, made me love, more intensely than I ever thought possible. Some days I am so angry that I am under domination but, then I remember how long I sought. Yearned and desired exactly this. One who does not let me make a doormat of him and does not expect me to become a doormat either. Fierce and powerful, understanding and loving. It makes my head spin.

Sometimes I think, this Dragon is so stubborn and hard headed. Though he has to be to rule one such as me. Every challenge I throw at him, he rises to meet me. Grabs my hair and tugs it, reminding me I am just a slave. Then he takes me in his embrace and lets me feel a love like a mighty river. Golden light surrounding me. I may pout but for a minute before he has me smiling. He has brought me through some of my darkest times and shown me there is light yet in this world of darkness in which I dwell.

I tremble and shake, but can not wait to be at his side. As the lash of the whip bit into my flesh, I thought of days long, long ago. When times were simpler. I thought of how primal it all made me feel. My clothes stripped roughly from my body. Strong hands forcing me into position, stern voice commanding me. After all the sting and burn, came blessed silence. All was still and quiet. I felt his strong hands upon me as he thrust himself into my body. Inside me was lit ablaze.

It is in these moments that all doubt flees from me and I know I am exactly where I need to be. In service to a Dragon is not an easy task. So much passion and flare. I know that he would do anything in his power for me. To save me from myself, to better me, to guide me and teach me. It makes me want to serve him all the more.


6/25/2016 3:20:05 PM

I just want to be alone, but never have that luxury anymore. Too many people all the time. Buses, city, festivals. Where is my quiet little stream? It was paved over to become a parking lot. Hopefully in a few days I will have my keys to my small but quaint apartment, then I can be alone when I need to be. I can lock the door and hide away. Let the world pass me by. Like a vampire, I want to enter a long deep sleep and when I awaken, maybe things will be better. Maybe there will be something that will again excite me. Everything feels so empty, hollow and superficial.

I struggle to name the emotion I feel today. Numb is all that comes to mind. Today I am just numb. So much chaos around me. I miss the quiet, serene darkness. Yes that is what I need. My precious darkness. Too long has it been day. More light than I am used to.

Recently a voice from my past appeared. We were such good, close friends. His new wife had a hissy fit and told him never to speak to me again. i had dared to hope that my long lost friend had returned. It is not to be. All for a jealous and insecure wife. RIP my friend, perhaps in another life.

I should be much happier than I feel right now. For me things are beginning to go well at long last. I will be out of the place I have come to know as Hell. I will have my very own little place. But, it has been mixed with sadness. I had to send my little dog to be with my previous owner and am not sure if I will ever see him again. His waggly tail, protective growls, happy barks. All things I miss.

Also the people I have been staying with are being evicted and must be out very soon. I with them. I am hoping my new place is ready for me in time. On the day the bad news came, so came good news, at least for me. I guess it has my head swirling a bit. I have to find a place for my rats too. I am not allowed pets in my new place. Unless they are service animals.

Another ghost from my past is near. I feel him, stalking, lurking...keeping tabs on me. I got an email this morning from him. Wonder what he wants? Perhaps he heard my cries for darkness. He came to feed me, just a enough to wet my appetite. Will he message me again? I am left wanton for the energy that always comes with this strange friend. He always appears when I call. It seems that all I do is think of him and within a few days, ding, I have email. I struggle to understand our profound connection. I have never even seen a picture of him. Yet, he whispers to my soul. Calls to me on the winds.  Why doesn't he just take me? He could love me just as I am, my evil and darkness most of all.

I long to let it out. It has been chained since I moved to this very bizarre place. I feel the tension building. Those who try to suppress the real me are never happy with the results in the end. Even these chains can not hold me down. The time will come when I rise up. The darkness will devour all that stands in it's way.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s85Ij9vRt7w


6/15/2016 7:49:33 PM



Hello readers! Today is filled with good news. I get to get my apartment very soon! Going to look at a place tomorrow and if I get it, a family friend is furnishing it. I just have to do it before the friend leaves town in a week. Well to get the furniture anyways. I will finally get to have a place that I can call home and be with my Dragon as we have dreamed. Leaving much of the drama behind, my dog will be safe and life will improve a great deal.

Life has been busy but, good things are happening all around me and I can barely contain my excitement. All my envisioning is coming to fruition at long last. Progress is being made. I got good news from my Dr. today as well. Things are looking up. Though, I must stay focused to keep things in motion. I can not get distracted and celebrate too soon, for much work needs to be done yet, and in a short amount of time. If I want all the pieces to be in place that is. I do. The furniture is nice and I would very much like to see it in my new apartment by this weekend.

Still, even if things take a bit longer and the furniture doesn't make it, the new apartment is exciting enough. It would just be easiest to have it before the friend takes his truck and leaves town. He will help us move all our stuff if we make it happen before he returns to his life elsewhere. It feels like a race against time. Well worth the effort though.

Maybe, if everyone thinks happy thoughts for my Dragon and I, the stars will align and all will fall right into place. Faith can move mountains after all. I have seen many things that seemed impossible become tangible in my journey. Even when the odds were stacked against me and I was the only one who believed. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, evidence of things not seen...


6/4/2016 5:52:56 PM

Days Go By

 

Just feeling in the mood to write today. Life is becoming something like normal. I am getting my routine down and finding my place amongst all the people now part of my everyday life. Some days are awesome and I couldn't be happier. Other days I want to tear out all my hair and cry in a corner until all my problems go away.

One problem is with one of my housemates. He hates dogs and my dog has to stay there when I am not there during the day. He recently hit my dog with a broom handle hard enough to break it. I am so beyond pissed about this I just want to hit him upside his skull with a large cast iron frying pan. My Dragon wanted to tear him to pieces, neither of us want to go to prison. So what to do, what to do? The only thing I can do for my dog is get him certified as an Emotional Support Animal (ESA) So I can take him to the place I spend most of my days without getting my Dragon in trouble for pets. It is expensive to order the certification, and I can't seem to pull together enough money. All the people at the house beg me to buy this, buy that... we need toilet paper, we are out of food. Since I m staying there currently rent free, I feel obligated to help out but it leaves my pockets empty.

I do my best to learn my lessons that my Dragon teaches me. To follow his commands and rules. I still get my ass swatted quite a lot, sometimes on purpose, others just because I am still learning the way of a slave. This portion of my life I love and am very happy with. My Dragon Lord takes good care of me, and protects me. I could not ask for a better owner. I just wish the universe had made one or both of us rich! 99 of my 100 problems could be fixed with lots and lots of cash. The last problem could be fixed with a secret assassination of the dog abuser. If only I still had my connections to the Vegas mobsters. They could make him sleep with the fishes and my life would significantly improve. I would so love to introduce him to my Tara. For those who don't know, Tara, she is my 12 gauge shot-gun. Here meet Tara, now meet your maker jerk face! Ahahahaha, no, no I am not bloodthirsty at all. Wicked Evil Grin


5/31/2016 7:12:22 PM

5/20/2016 4:32:53 PM

I have been wanting to write for a few days now and finally I get the chance. Now I sit here ready and the words fail to come. I am finally adjusting to my new life. Getting a routine in place. Always learning my place as a slave.

Something I am still getting used is being a pleasure toy. Having to drop whatever I am doing and spread my legs at a command. It is always worth it, but sometimes I just don't want to stop what I doing at that moment. I throw ditty looks and get my ass swatted, hard. Then I pout because I know I deserved it, but am unhappy about it all the same.

After the sting goes away, I am happy and grateful to have a Master who makes me tow the line. It is what I have wanted for as long as I can remember. I finally feel like a slave girl.

I had the strangest dream last night, I dreamt that I was holding a baby squirrel, pink and hairless. Eyes still shut. It was sleeping on a blanket in my lap. It suddenly woke up and became a human baby. I was so shocked in the dream that I realized I was dreaming and woke up. Still pondering what this strange dream could mean. I suppose that is all I have to write for now. Just wanted everyone to know I am still alive and well, and that my journey as a slave continues and progresses.


5/7/2016 4:10:46 PM


This poem is trending on poetry.com, so I thought I would share it today.

Memories

Alone here I sit, in the darkness I cry
Bathed in my tears, asking god why?
Left with my heart, lonely it aches
Lost is my soul, in the desert it bakes
Every tear etched now a burden to bear
A life falls in shambles, no one to care
Blamed and tortured, the soul as it wanders
Empty and barren a love left in squanders
Time as it passes, blurring the days
Leaves me to ponder, lost in old ways
Weary and tired this body grows cold
Memories they take me on ventures untold


*copyright 2015


5/7/2016 3:52:10 PM


Still Learning

So it has been a while since I wrote here last. Partly because I fell down and fractured my elbow. it is difficult to type but, I must not let the muscles get stiff so here we go.

Aside from that, this week has gone much better. I am feeling more and more at home in my new surroundings. I feel more at peace as I adjust. I must say, this has been quite the test for me, this move. It has tested my patience, my skill, even my loyalty. I have had to put to use many things I learned before. Many of which I wondered, at the time, why am I learning this? Now I understand. I am also grateful I could learn what I have. It has come in handy here in my new life.

Many things are beginning to look up. I believe I will have my apartment soon. Those around me are adapting and making effort to help me feel more comfortable. I am finally finding some of tat peace I was missing so much last time.

My Dragon sang me a lullaby yesterday and I think it helped quite a bit. I always feel so serene after one of his lullabies. Somehow it makes my world feel right again. It is true what is said, the sun must shine again after every storm. It can't rain all the time. I can at last feel the warmth of the sun shining down on me. With any luck. things will continue to get better and better.


4/28/2016 2:07:54 PM

 


Disilusioned

If you could feel my pain

 Would you understand
 What it is to give in vain
 Life held in another's hand
 If you could feel my confusion
 Would you comprehend
 What it is to live a delusion
 Looking only for the end

The honey moon is over and reality begins to set in. The masks fall away and I see clearly what is behind them. It is difficult to see so much that others can not and will not see for themselves. Is it my responsibility to reveal what I see? Or, am I just seeing for my own life lessons? One thing is certain, none of the mask wearers want to hear what has been seen. Everyone always says, 'Tell me the truth' then they are angry to hear it.

As a slave, I struggle much to remain subservient. At times it seems I am not meant to. I thought I was in turmoil before, it has deepened. These waters are cold and dangerous. Deep and dark, I find surprises when I least expect them. Sharp teeth graze my flesh. Fear like no other rises in me. The boat sank and I find myself in a shark infested sea.

I look to my Dragon for comfort and leadership but am met with hostility and judgments. Being scolded for things I am doing my very best at. I plead for understanding but, it does not come easily. Nothing about this piece of my journey is easy.

I think back to simpler times. Boredom my worst enemy. I long for peace and tranquility. I seek solace and do not find it. A volcano, trembling and quaking. When will it erupt? No one knows, but soon. I had imagined something so different when I set out on this path. It is said every rose has it's thorns. Seems I landed in a brier patch. The wounds sting and burn. Blood still trickling down from them. This is my tribulation.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HORkT4a2MhQ



4/26/2016 1:09:55 PM

4/26/2016 12:40:32 PM

4/25/2016 7:16:03 PM


So much happening so fast, it is hard to focus on any one thing. I simply must focus now. I struggle a lot lately to stay a humble slave girl. Every time I step out of line, I get put right back in my place by my Dragon Lord. Always from a place of love but,, I am not used to such strict training and my pride gets hurt easily. 

I do not deny that I need such training. I have craved it for a very, very long time. Now that I am living it however, I am finding that I do not always like the corrections in the moment. Of course, when all has passed I can look back on things and be grateful for the teaching, guidance and yes,, even corrections. Though, in the heat of it all I just want to have a royal fit. Demand my way. Pout if I don't get it. This is causing my little ass much grief. Red hand prints decorate it daily.  Such is the fate of a spoiled slave. 

My Dragon, he is fierce and at times, savage. Taking what is his. I smile at this. With a command, I submit to his will. All thoughts before it are gone. To feel his power as I am pinned beneath him. It is like a drug to me. Given no choice but to obey. I must confess, I am very addicted to this. 

As I reflect back to the very beginning of this journey, I can see how far I have come. As I look ahead of me, I see I have far yet to go. My Dragon guards and protects me. It is a good feeling to know that I am no longer lost and wandering. When I am with him, I know I am home.  

4/13/2016 12:23:30 PM


After reading much hate mail today, I was about ready to pull my profile off the internet. I had planned to write my usual rant here about it but, one message changed my mind. Someone suggested I give a shout out to all the adoring fans and faithful friends I have made here. There are far more of those and I am glad to have met so many of you. I look forward to the compliments and casual banter each day. Some of you have helped me through some very dark and sad times in my journey and without you I might have just given up. 


Many will never know just how much they really helped me, with just a few words of encouragement, or compliments and stories to share. That is why I remain here. For all the friends I have made over the years. Those of us who have been around this place a while know just how many trolls are out there lurking. Waiting to start some crap and try to ruin a person's day. Well fuck them. I am happy with the journey I am on. Do I have tough days and moments of doubt? Yes, that is just part of this life. 

Some out there are angry or bitter because they learn I am not available for their abuse. For that I am not sorry. I am with a Master who respects me, teaches me, protects me and most importantly loves me. This is not by some random chance. I chose to be with Him. Those of you who want to hold a grudge because I did not choose you, well too bad so sad. Get over it. Harassing me won't change the fact that I am living the life I always sought to live.

Yes I struggle at times. I think about quitting. I have cried and laughed, learned, fallen and gotten back up again. I walk the walk, so I have every right to talk the talk. I live my slavery 24/7 and am fully dedicated to my course. I am owned by a Master who I feel is worth serving and dedicating my service to. He earned it. He spent the time to get to know me. To hold me when I fell. To be there when I had no one else. He stood by me in my darkest hours and talked me through each moment. So pout and harass me all you like but my heart, and soul are His and there ain't shit anyone can do about it! Love me or hate me, I don't care. I am just gonna keep on doing my thing and certain people out there just don't matter to me. Those who have taken time to know me, like me for being me. 

Thank you again for those who read my story as I live it, walk it, breathe it. Many hugs to all who have lent me a helping hand along my path of discovery, trial and error. I could not have made it this far without you. Much love to you all, Peace out

slave shaquaela

4/13/2016 12:02:54 PM

4/4/2016 5:55:44 PM


Dedicated to all my haters...


3/31/2016 5:53:59 PM


Chutes & Ladders

It has been some time since I last wrote. Many things happening all at once. Building this new life from ground zero. It is not easy. In fact, I face new challenges daily. Some people in my new circle are TROUBLE. I have no say in who comes into the house and who does not. I am reminded daily I am just a dweller. I have made my first enemy already.

Learning to get from point A to point B has been... interesting. Rain, more rain...and did I mention more rain??? Well today the sun is finally out and it got warm out. I needed to see the sun. Still it was a difficult morning to say the least. Then I got to see my Dragon and it all melted away.

Drama is a new part of my life now. <sigh> How I hate drama. I think back on days when I was bored to tears, now I have drama at every turn. Some of it is just what is around me. I try to stay out of things if I can. I prefer to hide and watch... A few in my new circle like to corner me. I think that is not in their best interest for animals fight hardest when cornered. I am one animal they do not want to awaken.

I have been so busy with this and that I have not had much time for reflection. Run here and then there and back again... I feel like I am grinding out quests in my video game... except this is real life. Feels so tedious, and time is playing funny tricks on me. Each day feels as though I blink and it is over. Yet at the same time I feel so little time has passed. I am waiting for next month when some of my key things will happen. Everything is circling around these events and I can not do much until those things happen. I can't wait and yet feel I am racing the clock. Hurry up and wait...

Perhaps after these key events I will find some time to relax and truly synchronize my life... something in me says, ya right. I can hope... I must hope. For so long I sat with nothing to do, nowhere to go, now I have so many things to do and so many places to go each day, I can barely keep it all straight in my head. I miss the quiet loneliness sometimes.

Through all of this, my Dragon has been at my side. picking me up when I fall, urging me forward, giving me pep talks,, reigning me in when I venture too far. The only peace I feel is when I am with Him. The rest of this all terrifies me. When I am with him all else fades away. I could not make it through each day without him. I have never been loved like this before. I am afraid to wake up and find it was all a dream. He makes even a nightmare feel like heaven . I look at him and smile, knowing he helped me survive another day in this urban jungle I now call home. "Look Daddy, I can fly!"


3/19/2016 2:57:57 PM


Dear Diary,

Today is a tough day. I have been on cloud 9 for the last several days and I think my feet touched ground again. It is a sad realization. My emotions are catching up with me. Things I could not deal with before are surfacing now and I am not quite sure what to do with myself. 

I am in a bit of a bitchy mood, but don't really want to be. I happy with much of of my new life. Annoyed at others. I think that there is a lesson here for me. Forget what is around me and just focus on what it is I came here for. Let none of the rest matter. The lesson here is to learn focus. Makes sense since I am easily distracted by literally everything, ohhh look a shiny!

When I let go of what is bothering me, little things that are not really important... I feel that peace I so love to bask in. I am trying hard to hang on to that feeling of peace one gets when they are on the right path. I know I am where I am supposed to be. 

I started my day by being cornered in the shower by a woman I live with. This woman intimidates me. I think she knows it. I really don't find it nice to corner someone naked in the shower and begin asking them questions and snooping through things that don't belong to them. Normally I might have said something like, hey back off or something but I was caught off guard, wrapped in only a towel that seemed entirely too small. So I stood there, meekly and timidly while my forehead must have said "welcome" right across it. Such a doormat I was in that moment and I hate myself for it. 

She is my Master's sister. She is unaware of the BDSM aspect of mine and his relationship so when I do things like jump to action when he calls or runs right out to meet him, she tells me to make him wait. She tells me I don't need to jump just because he tells me to. I have to bite my tongue because she just does not understand the M/s dynamic. Any attempt to explain would just be lost on her. So I yell and scream in my head for her to shut her loud mouth and leave me be. Outwardly,  I just smile and nod wishing she would just leave me in peace. 

I think my strategy will be to just keep smiling and nodding and go ahead doing what I am supposed to do. I think I will start locking the bathroom door from now on as well. At least life is...interesting. Can't complain of being bored or dull. I think sometimes life can be a little too interesting. 

I am starting to know my way around for the places I have to get to each day. It's a good feeling to have a measure of independence. I am still on a short leash and watched closely. Being made to follow rules is a new challenge. Having consequences for not is another one. My ass has paid the price for the error of my ways much this last week. So many swats. I need it though, lest I forget my place. 

My little dog just loves my Dragon. Obeys him and follows him around. I am glad to see him take to my Dragon in such a way as he does not like many people. He too is learning his new place as he was just as spoiled as I was.  We are both in training and falling right into place. At night I fall right to sleep and have the deepest most restful sleep I have had in many years. Even dreaming again! yay. I have missed having dreams. Lately they have been quite exciting and thrilling dreams. Overall life is good and I am finding it quite exciting and enjoyable. Thanks for reading. Tune in next time for the next episode of lifestyles of the humble slave!

3/19/2016 1:38:44 PM

3/13/2016 12:28:44 PM


My New Life

Well it has been many days since I have visited this site. 2 days across 5 states. I have made it to my new home at last. 2 whole years in the making of this to become a reality. I have spent the last few days trying to learn my way around a new city. Learning some new protocols and rules. Adjusting to many new things.

I feel as though I have barely had a moment to catch my breath since leaving Colorado last Thursday. My little brain swims with all the information. I have spent the last 6 years in relative, quiet seclusion. Internet my only link to the outside world. Now I find myself surrounded by many people. Rushing from place to place to establish me and my identity here. Though I am enjoying it. It is still a lot to absorb and adjust to.

While I feel happy and content I am still reeling from the moving event itself. Also I am dealing with the matter of one housemate not liking me at all. She won't even give me the time of day. She hates my dog. It does make the living situation a bit more tense and dramatic than I care for. I am hoping I won't have to endure her for too long. She is not a critical piece of my inner circle but, one I have to deal with all the same. Fortunately I am out and about so much I don't have to see her much.

I have not slept much in the last 5 or so days or eaten much for that matter. To be honest, I never thought it would come to fruition. All this I am now living. It was a simple pipe dream. It was one I poured much time, energy and creative process to though. Now it has finally come to be. So far it is much as I imagined it to be. That makes me pretty happy.

I have gotten myself many swats from my Dragon Lord the last few days. Things I got away with over long distance are now not tolerated so much. I do have a picture of my nice cherry red ass, but have to find my cable to upload it from my computer to post. Sadly it is buried in the mountain of things I brought along.

I keep pinching myself to make sure this is all real and not just a dream from which I will awake sad and disappointed, to find it was only a dream. I still get occasional waves of butterflies in my belly. They feel a bit different from my pre move jitters. Still a bit annoying though as they wash over me suddenly, but this time they bring a smile to my face.

Some of my thoughts drift to the Dom I said goodbye to. I worry for him as his life too is now in turmoil and chaos. He was generous enough to bring me to my new home and all I could manage to fit in the car. Hope he made it back home safely.

I am sure I will have lots more to tell as the days roll by. Many adventures to share. Sexual escapades to reveal. I imagine some things to vent at times. Right now I am enjoying a bit of free time to let everything sink in. I take a deep breath as I look around. Welcome to my new life.



3/11/2016 8:09:54 PM
Arrived safely at my destination. Thanks to all who wished me well

3/10/2016 4:39:23 AM
Today is moving day... wish me luck!!!

3/6/2016 4:12:12 PM


FLUTTERBIES

Only about a week til I make my move. The butterflies are my constant companions. I have many of my things packed up. The walls around me bare, my decorations removed. So much on my mind right now. Mostly worry. I will be sharing a house with other women. This terrifies me more than any other part of this adventure which will include, having a baby. I already know one of them does not look forward to my arrival. Perhaps, in time I could win her over with my charms?

I try not to think on these things too much. My stomach does flip flops and my appetite shrinks to near nothing. I clench my jaw so hard my teeth are sore. I know I have my Dragon's protection and it makes this bearable. I must summon all my courage and keep moving forward. I really feel close to just sitting down and having a good cry. 

Spent the last few days sorting through all my things. Got so much more to weed out. I feel overwhelmed with it all. Today I took a break from it all and just relaxed as much as possible. Had some herbal tea. My thoughts keep drifting to what lies ahead of me. I must be bold and brave. I can not let this woman scare me. Me and other women don't exactly have a history of getting along. Very few click with me. Most decide not to like me before they even know me. Bullied throughout all of school by girls who thought their boyfriends looked at me was terrifying. Thought it would change in the adult world but, it got even worse. Women wanting to fight me for trying to get by them in the grocery store. This is going to test me, no doubt. 

I do my best to focus on the good things. All I have to look forward to. The fear is screaming louder than all of that and I want desperately to quiet it. Short of getting drunk, I have no ideas. And my Dragon is not going to let me get drunk... sooooo I am left to face my demons in anguish. All I can hope is that things are not as scary as I imagine. At least if I am prepared for the worst, there will be no surprises. I will have lived far worse horror in my own mind than this woman will throw at me... *I hope...* I hug my teddy bear and feel like a child wanting to cry. Perhaps, I will turn to the magical arts for aide. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUZV_KLiCJA

2/29/2016 12:34:32 PM

2/28/2016 6:41:49 PM

2/28/2016 9:43:10 AM

Setting Sail

Been so much ranting lately I thought I would change pace and focus on some of the good going on around me. Yesterday was a good day. I got to spend it in a trance like state. My Dragon Lord hypnotized me. All the anxiety melted away and I felt peaceful, relaxed. All warm and fuzzy. It was so nice to have a break from all the heaviness I have been carrying. To have his help in this means the world to me. It has been so long since I felt that kind of relaxation, I did not want the day to end. He ended the day by singing me a soothing lullaby and I slept so well. As though I rested on a bed of clouds.

Today I am awake and feel energetic, alive... My Dragon breathed new life into me and restored my hopes. Lifted me when I felt so low. I have an ear to ear smile today. I feel so lucky to have gotten to meet him. Such a rare gift to find one's twin flame. I feel wrapped in love, like a fuzzy soft blanket. I have missed this feeling so much. I had lost it in all the chaos. I never want it to end. 

I close my eyes and see golden light all around me. It feels warm and comforting. I just want to bask in it, like the warm sun returning on the first days of spring. Even the air outside smells sweeter today. I wish everyday could feel just like this. How I cherish these rare moments of floating in bliss. A Dragon's gift to his slave. Yes Dragon's can do that, give bliss without even laying a single hand on a person. Even over great distances, if they choose to. I feel truly fortunate to get to experience such a gift.

These are the times I live for. This is exactly why I do what I do and persevere. For these glimpses of heaven. It makes it all worthwhile. To float in heavenly bliss, feeling safe, secure and loved beyond measure. Like nectar of the Gods, and I am lucky enough to get to taste of it from time to time. I truly have much to be thankful and grateful for and must take care not to get lost during the storms. Today the storms have cleared, sails are at full mast and I am gliding with ease towards my destiny. How beautiful is that? 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCA7xipW2J0

2/27/2016 8:10:14 AM


When it Rains it Pours

"oh your a fucking insane cunt. wow. usually the crazies dont out it on their profile but you dont give a shit, your full metal loony toones. hi may name is.. and lets talk about rape. you are one fucked fat chic...."


So this is a copied message from a person who wrote to me. This is the first time this person has ever messaged me and this is what he said to me. It is a combo of admiration and insults I think. Lately, I have had more than my fill of messages like this. I am not fat! A size 4 is not fat. I have had 3 kids come through this body and can still fit into clothes I wore in High school, so suck on that you 220 pound jerk face with a dog for your picture. 


I have been so sick with some bug this past week and feeling run down. Handling more stress than I can bear with this upcoming move and relocation. My whole life is in upheaval. Then to top it off I am getting quite a few messages like this from people who don't know me. Never spoken to me before and just decide to be assholes. Why? Because it is the internet and they think they can get away with it?

I considered just pulling my profiles off the internet all together. I am so tired of dealing with everything. I think that maybe I should just give up. I want to run and hide in a dark, safe place. 

Then out of nowhere a fire turns on inside me and rage rises up, surging through me like lightning in the storm. Haters gonna hate. I know they only hate on me because they want me and can not have me. In fact, I am betting no woman wants them, so they lash out instead of work on themselves. 

Am I crazy? You bet I am. I will say this, Who in this lifestyle is not a little crazy? Think about it. We pretend and live in fantasies. Men and women crawling around on leashes like animals, all to please some sadist who enjoys causing a person pain and humiliation. Try telling some vanilla off the street that you are into this and they will call you crazy too. That said, I embrace who I am. So I like to be controlled. Some out there like to do the controlling. I crawl on all fours, beg like a dog, stuff objects in my holes and act like I love it all for the pleasure of someone else. 

We all have our vices. This is one of mine and plenty of people in this world join me in this guilty pleasure of sadism and masochism. The things we do behind closed doors... Everyone wears their masks in public, acts normal. Behaves like society expects. Then when the lights go dim and the doors are locked turn into freaks. I am not the only one and I will not feel shame for owning my crazy. Back off or I will cut you. 

At first I was pissed about that message. Then I decided to use it to my advantage. Make it my weapon. I am a crazy, psychotic freak and there is no telling what I will do or when. One day I may be sweeter than nectar, the next I will shoot you dead for looking at me wrong. Poke me at your own risk. I might just let my beast out and devour your very soul laughing maniacally as I do it, feeding my eternal hunger and growing stronger. Cross my path if you dare... Fuck ya...at least I can own it. This is me, like it love it or hate it, no one can stop it! When it pours rain, I am the one dancing in the storm, bring it, and watch me rise above it!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s85Ij9vRt7w

2/25/2016 7:12:48 AM


So many of you have written to me regarding my recent journal entries. 90% of you all have been supportive, positive, and encouraging. Some who have known me a while are even a little concerned. I am touched by your words and have been given much to consider. Thank you all who have offered sincere advice, it means so much to me that so many care. Know that I do think on everything whole-heartedly. Keeping what applies and leaving what does not. I want to give a shout out to everyone who has wished me well. It gives me strength and courage to know so many are watching. 

There have been some who have been rather rude, and go off spouting things they know nothing about. Instead of asking me and talking with me, they insult me and try to tell me I should upgrade. Even worse, some criticize my lifestyle choice in general. Pushing my buttons, insulting my Master and my choices, then calling me "fucked up" when I tell them where to go and exactly how to get there. 

I think that if the people guilty of this get mad when I mirror their words and actions, then they should not be doing those things to others. If you do not approve of my life, keep it to yourself. I need not know about it. Your opinion is not going to change what I feel is right for me. It is just going to get you bitched out and then you will go crying to the admins and try to say I am a fake, oh waah, you big babies. if you push me I will push back. Man the fuck up or step off my porch. Go ahead tell on me to my owners, they will back me up and laugh at you for being a moron. 

Some want to whine about me being owned and having a profile up here, tempting them with what they can not have. It's a free country and I can put a profile up here if I want to. I am not breaking any rules and my owner is right there on my friends list. If you disapprove of this lifestyle so damn much, why are you on this site at all? Telling me I should have my life in order by now and that I am making a mistake by being a slave. This is not the way to win my friendship or affections at all. Do not be so surprised when I snap at you and hurt your little feelings. You messaged me dumb ass! Don't be acting like I am the one harassing you. I did not make you send me insults and rudeness. I have my own reasons for being here and I don't owe an explanation to anyone. 

I am so sorry that many of you can not have a chance with me. I am just one person and I love whom I love. I will not tolerate being treated like a piece of meat at the market. No one has any right to tell me how I should live my own life. No one here has any room to judge me for anything. Especially anyone who is too chicken to have even one pic of themselves posted. All while calling me fake, takes one to know one...

I have chosen those I serve. They in turn chose me. I am not forced or held against my will. Likewise, people can not just walk in off the internet and expect me to bow and grovel before them just because they think they are something special. I am a slave by CHOICE. I was not purchased like a dog or a goat. You do not have any right to demand respect or for me to address you as Sir. We have never agreed to anything or made negotiations. You do not own me. Get mad at me all you like, the problem is yours not mine. Do not point out my issues when you have not handled or dealt with your own. Just because you dubbed yourself a Dom/Master or Domme/Mistress does not give you any say in my life, unless we negotiate and agree to terms between us. Step off me people!  Get over yourselves the world does not revolve around you. 

Most of this is applying to people who are just coming into this lifestyle because they saw a movie or read a book about it. There are rules people, etiquettes and protocols to follow. You don't just see something you like and grab it, make it yours and whip it.  It does not work that way. This is a lifestyle of trust and deep connections. Many things done can be dangerous and cause harm if done incorrectly. This is not a lifestyle meant to cause harm. So I will not apologize for being educated about things and tossing your ignorant attempts at twisted seduction aside. I have made my choice, it clearly wasn't you so move on and quit harassing me. Thanks for reading!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvt-q7lna9I



2/24/2016 7:31:10 PM

2/23/2016 7:31:49 AM


Dreaming

No matter how many times I run the possible scenarios in my mind, I come to the very same conclusion in the end. I simply must move forward. To ignore the signs all around me would be at my own peril. The doors closing behind me, leave me only one really viable option. Answer the call. 

I spend much time in this waiting period, thinking about what it will be like. So many questions that only experience can answer. Still they run like wild fire in my mind. A close friend of mine told me that I should just focus on the happiness waiting for me. So long I have not been truly happy, unfulfilled and empty. She says now is my chance to live all I have dreamed of for so long. She is absolutely right. Her words bring more thoughts to mind. I cannot linger in the past. The future calls to me and this time, I must follow. 

I will have enforced rules, structure, protocols to live by. Things I have so longed for, yearning for and needing such guidance. The last 6 years I have been laying a foundation of what is ok, and what is not ok in this lifestyle. Learning sane from insane. Learning my limits and my desires. I was taught the basics from which I will forever compare everything and everyone I encounter hence forth, in this lifestyle. It has not been time wasted. At times, I was so impatient because, I felt I was learning nothing at all. Given more free reign than I really wanted made me overlook all that was going on behind the scenes, behind the excitement of the play or the dull lack thereof. 

Now as I graduate to the next level, I look back on my time here and see all that was taught and learned. Not what I imagined when I first submitted but, still very valuable things. I would not have been ready before for what I am entering into soon. Just as a 5 year old is not ready for high school... First comes elementary school. That is what the last several years have been for me. An essential step in my journey as a slave. Now I understand what it is to truly surrender. I know the freedom that can be found in slavery. If I had skipped this part of my life, I would not be ready to obey completely or to trust. I would not understand what is important in this dynamic. I would have been like so many out there who are rebellious and take it all as simply a game.

It is said, everything happens for a reason, I now begin to see a bigger picture. Still. it is sad to say goodbye to my teacher and protector of 6 years. It is a struggle to let go and embrace the new. Mostly because this is a sad departure. If this was a kung fu movie, this is the part where my teacher would say that I have learned all I can from him and now must go and practice all I have learned. Tears flow like a rushing river as I commit each and every thing of these final days to memory. Suddenly, the knowledge here becomes more important that I ever imagined.

My friend's words fan the flames of my courage. I must pull myself together, be grateful for all I have had and boldly take the next steps. If I do not, I will drown in the sorrow of regret and the lessons I am meant to learn will come back around but, likely be more difficult. My oracle readings keep saying to me... Let go...

It is hard to imagine a life different from this one. I have had dreams and even a few visions of what is to come. Excitement builds. Anticipation... I try to imagine what life will be like this time next year. Time will tell.   

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lxR2T4AxwE0

 

2/18/2016 5:53:52 AM


Update

So I guess I should put an update to yesterday's journal, which exists no more. To those who loved, commented and or messaged me about it, thank you. Your advice was helpful and gave me much to consider and mull over. I was commanded to delete it and so it is gone. But I saw everyone's contribution!

It was a harrowing day yesterday. With so much at stake, emotions run high for all who are involved. While I think things got worked out satisfactorily, I find myself feeling uncertain about so much. I thought I was ready for this. I worked so hard to make preparations and build a foundation. I suddenly do not feel at all ready for any of this.

I stand at the edge of this cliff. It is a long way to the bottom. I am being commanded to jump and not fall, but fly. The wings, I can feel them. I flex them and fully extend them. Powerful and strong. I realize I have never used them before. I have practiced and had some success some failure... now it is do or die. I must jump, all is crumbling apart around me. Soon there will be nothing to even stand on.

Recent events have me uncertain and insecure. I am jittery and search my soul for answers. I fight off fear and anxiety. I always get these before a jump. It is natural to fear the unknown. Question remains is, am I going to let fear stop me from following my destiny? In the stillness of the early morning, my soul whispers back, *take the leap...*


2/17/2016 2:19:07 PM

2/14/2016 3:12:31 PM

2/11/2016 11:29:02 AM


Dear Diary,

Things continue to fall into place. Like pieces of a puzzle. Momentum picks up. As I begin to disassemble things, i take time to break my emotional attachment to it. It is after all, just material.  There is much that i will miss. Some of it, I miss already. So much to do yet, and I can not stop crying. 

It is time now to stop being vague and just make the announcement. I am leaving Colorado, my home for the last 6 years. Yes, it is real. Today, I had to cut down my plants in my garden. So symbolic of the ties I cut behind me. Cutting away old ways of thinking, and living. I head to a new place and a new Dom.

For the last year I have been serving two Doms. One in RT 24/7 and one long distance. Now one surrenders me to the other. While I know, and they know this is really for the best in the long term, it makes it no less difficult to deal with. This can't be easy for him who is saying goodbye. I know it is not at all easy for me. 

I have 6 weeks to plan a trip to another state, pack up what I can, Clear out what I can not. At this moment, I look at my mountain of things and it is just overwhelming. I arrived with just a suitcase. Now, I could fill a small u-haul truck. I must make it fit in the trunk of a Toyota. 

Every task I begin to do, brings up a well-spring of emotions, memories. My lower lip quivers as I fight back yet more tears. So much Both my Doms have done for me. It is so hard to say goodbye to one I have loved and served for so long. Even harder for him. I admire his courage and sacrifice. My very first Master when I was just a noob in this lifestyle. Now circumstance forces him to send me to another. I am going to miss many things about the life he has given me. My heart breaks as I begin to sort through things collected over my time here. I have learned all I can here though, and my time to advance has come. 

Much time has been spent, energy invested and tears shed, creating the new life I am heading into. This piece is a joyous occasion, my path continues, advancing my slave training. Many new adventures await me. My mind races with questions of how this and how that?.. Then I am reminded that only a week ago I had no idea how any of this would come together. I am sure it will work out in it's proper time just how it all needs to. 

Butterflies have become my constant companion, making it difficult to breathe air. Someone pointed out to me the other day with my last journal, that I am repeating myself. I told them off and blocked them for their rudeness in addressing the matter. Perhaps it all sounds the same to many of my readers, blah blah... poetic shit. To me it is a way to sort and vent off my emotional feelings. To bring a measure of order to the chaos.

While I admit that I have been saying much of this for months, it needs to be understood that gestation takes time. Miracles can happen, but many must be grown and nurtured. I did not just pick a new Dom out of a random list of names in a hat. I chose a Dom who has. over time, become my Master. He spent everyday with me for a full year now. I had to test him, and push his buttons and be sure that this would be something viable. Trust has been established. Plans have been made, discussed, negotiated. Those who are older than 25 may understand this a bit more, than so many of the insulting punk asses who think this all should happen in 2 weeks. Well, those are the ones who get burnt and cry that there are no decent people in this lifestyle.

Now all that planning, praying, hoping and creating has come to fruition. Not in the way I imagined it would come together of course...but it did indeed come together. So to those who are still looking, know that it can happen if you invest your time and whole heart into it. I just hope I do not get consumed by anxiety in the weeks to come. Perhaps being busy with preparations will keep much of it at bay.

 

2/10/2016 8:57:40 AM

2/9/2016 11:18:01 AM

Rise of the Phoenix


What a morning it has been. Emotional roller coaster to say the least. The time I have been patiently awaiting is very near at hand. The final countdown begins. A deadline has been set and now things are in motion that can not be stopped. There is no turning back. Only walking forward. I have been preparing for this quite a long time and have foreseen it long ago before I knew what it all meant. To see something unfold that I foresaw as a small child, is mind blowing. I go to meet my king. 

Today a final decision was made and now everything feels so real. I leave one chapter of my life behind and go to begin a new one. I feel as though my heart is both breaking and being reborn at the same time. A metaphorical death is taking place and I must say it hurts... a lot. Tears have poured like a mighty river all morning. The emotions behind them are very mixed and jumbled. Fear, excitement, worry, joy, sadness....wonder. 

All that is taking place now, I dreamt of many years ago. Most recently signs have been poking trough the mist and fog, alerting me that things are happening. My fate is at hand. The piece of my life I leave behind makes me so sad. A way of life I have grown accustomed to. It crumbles around me. I can not save it from crumbling. Destiny has set things in motion. Like a great mountain suddenly giving way and finally huge pieces fall to the ground far below. Leaving chaos and often destruction in it's wake. Though, if we do not clear the field of old debris we will not have room to build something new and improved. Still watching the devastation following all this is very tough and breaks my heart. 

Everyone tells me to focus on the happiness that awaits me. A new adventure. A new life. Starting another chapter of my story. I am left in awe at this waking dream I find myself lost in. Part nightmare, I keep thinking I will wake up and all will be right as rain. The rug was not just yanked out from under me, I am not free falling through time and space. I must be dreaming all this.... Even though I have known this time would eventually come for a very long time, it is still so much a surprise to me that it is happening right now. It is really happening. Knowing in advance did not help me to change my fate in any way, but I think it did help me try to prepare. 

First comes the demolition phase. All that was before this time must (metaphorically and in some cases, literally) die. I must let go of all that was, all I thought I knew, all I try to control. I must let go and trust. Not like one has a choice when they are shoved off the edge of a cliff unexpectedly. I know I will land safely, but damn the falling is scary. I myself must die to habits, ways of thinking and being, to embrace something new. So much time preparing for this, waiting for the pieces to fall into place. The foundation I once stood so strongly on is fading fast and nearly gone. I am being pulled by it, caught in this storm, I can only hang on and try to enjoy the ride. 

In a few short weeks, everything I have known for so long will be gone and I will need to move on to what is waiting for me. Calling me. A calm suddenly comes over me, defying explanation. I am held tightly, warmly, comfortingly. Though what I must face will be difficult, it will have grand rewards and I do not take this journey alone. It is not the act of random events but, a plan that has been followed step by step throughout my entire life. While it may appear as devastation and destruction it is how to make a place for the me who is being reborn. Like a phoenix rises from it's own ashes, I too will rise anew from the ashes of this part of my life. Purified, and clean, I walk into the vast unknown. 

2/7/2016 3:30:11 PM


Here is something to cheer up any who are gloomy. These beautiful girls play beautiful music! A must Watch

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPb20fK0R94

2/6/2016 10:07:08 AM


Semi-Annual Rant~
"This message is for anyone... fuck it, just shut up and listen" ~Eminem

It is time once again to send a reminder to some about a few things. RESPECT people. I am getting a flood of messages that are unsavory and offensive...some even are not so veiled threats of harm. These people are always so offended when  I answer with a not so veiled threat to slit the throat of any who may even think of doing harm to me or those I care about. So shocked they are I did not tremble in fear and fall before them. 

When a person I do not know and have never spoken with starts our conversation with how they want to shove their cock down my throat until I gag and tears run down my slapped, red cheeks... I take that as assault. Would you walk up to a woman in the mall and say that to her? For those dumb enough to do just that, would you not expect to be slapped in the face or have security called? Why then are these people so offended when I stand up for myself? 

Those who need to read this most are not likely to even see this, but if it changes the perspective of just one person, it was worth posting it. I think some people need to remember that just because I am A slave... I am NOT YOUR slave. I am not a cum dump, for your filthy words and twisted fantasies. I am not here for your amusement, but my own. I don't care what you think or desire of me. I am not your property. You are not a GOD/ GODDESS on earth sent to woo me into submission with forced sexual rants in my inbox. I don't know you and I don't owe any of you a damn thing. I am owned and serve whom I choose. Those who have built trust with me and contribute to my life. 

I appreciate that so many view my profile and take time to say hello and actually get to know me and respect that I am owned. It is just that some need to be taken to school and slapped in the face for what they say to me. They think only my eyes read it, and think because they are anonymous they can say whatever pops into their perverted heads... When they face my Master or when I put them in their place they lash out how unfair it is, how fucked up i am. Grow up. Pull the tiger's tail, get eaten...simple as that. 

My profile has all the info anyone needs to know about me. Talk shit to me, then take your medicine cry baby. You were warned, if you had taken 2 seconds to actually read what is posted, for your convenience, not mine. Threaten to abduct me, or stalk me without my consent...then expect that I will inform you just how I plan to slice open your throat or fill you with lead from my shot gun...  

Words are powerful and my death threats fill them with fear.  Their fantasy suddenly got real far quicker than they planned and it didn't feel so good did it? They thought I would tremble and play into their game. If I did not agree to RP a Rape, abduction...etc... then don't shove your thoughts down my throat like a nasty diseased cock. I will chop it off and feed it to the crows. I am not a doormat to be tread upon. I am Shaquaela Fireheart of the house of Dragons and if you think you will subdue me without my consent, it may just cost you your life. Oh what? Did fantasy just get a harsh reality check?!?! Yes, yes it did mother fuckers. 

FORCED FANTASY RP IS THE SAME AS RAPE!
BE WARNED.
GET CONSENT BEFORE SHARING YOUR FANTASIES OR THEY WILL BE CONSIDERED THREATS AND HANDLED ACCORDINGLY.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWmG0ZsUAag


2/2/2016 2:56:30 PM
Days Go By

So many people asking me "what's new?" So I think an update is in order. Not much is new in fact. This is a quiet time of gestation. I don't think there will be much new until spring, or early summer. Just a time of waiting, quiet study and practicing all I have learned. I am rather enjoying this tranquil time of waiting. It is the action part that makes me anxious. 

Day to day life goes on. Getting my lessons, my swats, all that goes with being a slave. Though my last journal brought out some very interesting people... nothing so exciting has happened since. My ghost in the darkness still pursues, 

I do feel like my lessons have increased in difficulty. I suppose that is how it should be. I get in trouble more for things I used to get away with. Made to obey, to stay in my place. I seem to fight it less and less. For even when it is uncomfortable in the moment, I know He is guiding me towards my end goals. As well as His own.

Though at times, some things are tough to undergo. Having things in my life controlled, that I am used to doing as I please. Being told who I can be friends with, how to wear my hair, what I am allowed to wear or not... Sometimes I seethe inside at being told No. I have learned not to just speak the first thing that pops into my head in these times... hehe. The consequences are not so pleasant for me. 

Slowly, little by little I am becoming what a slave should be. My Dragon gets the credit for this. One year I have been under his guidance. So much I have learned. Some bad habits broken. So much more to discover and explore. His influence has been the best for my life. He knows me so well it seems as though he can read my very thoughts. I could not have made it this far without his help, encouragement, discipline and love. So happy to be owned by a true Master. 

1/27/2016 8:36:23 AM



Whispers From Forever

Hello to my faithful Ghost in the Darkness. I feel him strongly today. Such a part of my life, I am not sure what I would do without him really. Though, I have many questions for him, they go unanswered. Interactions are usually brief and only leave me with even more questions. The kind that could drive one crazy if they are dwelt upon for too long. 

Like, why did he decide to stay on the fringe of my world? Why does he keep tabs on me after all this time? Why does he wish his influence to be kept alive in my life? Yet, many months can pass between interactions. These are just a few of the most pressing questions. He continues to stalk me from afar, but I have this burning need to understand why. 

Whatever the answers or reasons, I am left feeling his energy course through me. Leaving me dazed and foggy. As if lost in a daydream I can't quite escape from. A precious gift that I relish and treasure each and every time I get to feel it. I feel recharged quite a bit from it. I needed it so badly too. Seems he always appears when I am at the end of my rope and need it the most. 

Such a connection, yet I know so little of the body behind it all. I can hear whispers in my thoughts though. Ideas planted. I whisper a name into the darkness and there he is, as if by magic. How did this come to be? And why? Some say, do not look a gift horse in the mouth, lol... well, I just know that I could not get by without this mystery person's ambiguous presence in my life. I sit back and push thoughts from my mind, just allowing myself to ride the energy. To my Ghost in The Darkness, thank you. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ko1-DLazPRQ

1/18/2016 12:23:13 PM



Just Random Stuff

I am in the mood to write. I have a story to complete but, I seem to be blocked. I am hoping by writing a journal, I can get my creativity flowing. My mind is in one of those day dreamy states. I find myself spacing out and thinking of fanciful things. I think it is a coping mechanism for all the emotional stress I have been dealing with lately. My inner self just says, bye-bye bitches and off it wanders. I am told about entire conversations that happened while in these states. I have no recollection of them.

I am excited about something though. I got a fucking machine on the way. Ordered online. The robo-fuk... I can't wait. Never had one before. I am hoping to use it some on my shows.

Last night a presence appeared to me. At first I was startled. I was just about to go to bed, laying down reaching for my last sip of water and went through a shadow of a small girl. It felt weird, like time slowed, or something. I don't know what she wanted. She was about the size of a four year old. I am guessing the shadow was a she. It always means something when I begin to see these things. Messengers. Though I rarely can hear them speak. I read the energy feel of them though, and can pick up on emotions.

The shadow child seemed calm and benign. I felt unnerved. The hair was long, about shoulder length... that is why I thought it was a girl, though I think it could have been my son. He liked his hair long. I begin to think it could have been him as I saw him in my dream. Their father stole them from me. Though, he will never break the bond of mother to child. My sons share some of my supernatural gifts... They reach me over time and space and I them. We meet in dreams and in spirit.

I turn my thoughts to the present. I must focus on what is in front of me. Things I can do now. Right now I have a journey I am on. A great odyssey. Many things are about to change. Some of them difficult to handle. A great leap of faith is before me. I struggle to find the courage I will need to make this one. I have a bit time yet to prepare, but I feel the winds of change. These will be some of the biggest I have undergone in some time. I feel anxious. The rune oracle tells me to wait and watch for signs of spring, that this is a time of gestation preceding a rebirth.

I have so many unanswered questions. When will I need to make this leap? Must I really take this leap? I have asked for signs, for doors to close that I no longer need to focus on. One door closed quickly, one that shocked me to my very core. Hurt deeply in my soul. I know more will continue to close, pushing me towards my fate. I have foreseen a pleasant life in front of me. Not without it's trials... Yet, not without it's rewards either.


1/12/2016 2:03:27 PM



A Day In The Life Of A Slave

My Dragon Lord is being tough on me these last few days. I suppose I need it. I think I have been a little naughty as of late. I sort of feel like throwing an all out tantrum. Rebelling against authority, stomping my feet and screaming "NOOOO, I won't do it!" I know where this would lead me, down burning ass lane, that's where.

Time and training have taught me that I must accept this. I must roll with it, flow with it and not fight against this. Even a Chimera cannot best a Dragon. He shows me that it is He who holds the power over me. Whether I like it or not. The more I struggle, the more difficult the lessons become.

No one has ever tamed the spoiled little brat in me like this before. He knows how to bend me to his every whim. If I try to refuse, I am shown just how painful it can be. Much more enjoyable to fall into place. I prefer pleasure and rewards to the the sting of discipline. I always said, that one had to best me in battle before they could rule me. Consider this animal, ruled.

I am assigned to write a story... an erotic story. At first I was upset to have to write a story. Now that I am several pages into it, I am beginning to enjoy this one. I can't wait to share it with all my readers!

It is hard to believe 11 months have passed since the Dragon took me under his wings. Nearly a year. I have come a long way, but still have so far to go. For every step taken, my Dragon has been there. He has not missed a single day. Seen every mood I can throw, every kindness I possess. Sat with me when I was sick, laughed with me and had lots of fun. Ran off any who would try to take what he has claimed. This is what it means to be truly owned.


1/10/2016 8:58:16 AM


PRIDE BEFORE THE FALL

I sit here pondering a few things. I was just put in my place. I will admit, I have been a pain in the ass recently and I suppose I needed it. It is just not something I am used to. In the past, I always did the chewing out. No one ever dared say what they really thought of me or my actions, to my face. I always wanted to meet someone who was not afraid to tell me I am not perfect, to tell me to watch my tone or attitude. Now that it happens... I am not really sure what to think of it. My pussy is wet though, the body does not lie.

Though, after such a scolding, I feel afraid to speak at all. I am glad he is not intimidated by me like everyone else. Though for the first time, I think I am experiencing the other side of the coin. I am very aware that I am not the one in charge in this situation. What I have to say is only important, if my Dragon thinks it is.

My heart races and my palms are clammy. The mind struggles to grasp this new concept. The ego part of me certainly wants to rise up in rebellion. This however, defeats the purpose of my journey. A slave does not challenge her Master if she knows what is good for her. If I challenge the Dragon, I too will feel the fire. I really do not wish to experience more of that than is necessary.

I battle with a bit of fear, and anxiety but, colliding head on with those is, passion and flames lit inside me that I never knew existed. Something in me has been awakened. My soul sings, for it knows to be purified, one must go through the fire. I realize that each day, I am being polished, fired and made to shine a little more, as he shapes me into what he desires. It is for this reason I sit in respectful silence awaiting commands. I find myself grateful that he cares enough to teach me even the hardest of lessons.


1/8/2016 12:35:41 PM


Dear Diary,

I am so horny. I am sure that is just how my Dragon wants me. Begging, yearning, wanton. I never knew I could want sex so much. Never in my life have I begged or pleaded for pleasure, until the Dragon took charge of me. I try to please myself, in secret. Such taboo and though I get right to the edge I can not cum without his command. This forces me to beg Master, please may I cum? Please oh please, May I cum for you? If I have been good then he says, yes.  

If I am bad, he says no and makes me wear my butt-plug. Then I find myself driven half insane with desire and wantonness. Pussy aching with need, wet with desire. I smile to myself that someone could have such power over another. Sex really is about power. What has taken place within me that I can no longer cum without permission? Whatever the reason, I am enjoying this. Well as much as one enjoys pleasure torture. 

How long I waited to find one who could control me in such a way. Very few can have this affect over me. Many tried and failed. What I find amusing is that I still even try to pleasure myself at all, hoping this once I will overcome this power and cum for myself. I never reach it. Just sit there frustrated and embarrassed to beg for it. Beg for it I must if I wish release of this aching need between my legs. 

Why does he not just fuck my brains out? Well he would but we live in different places right now. I don't care how big you think your junk is, nobody's is 800 miles big...lol. Though I imagine if he could grab me and throw me down, fuck me hard... I bet he would still make me beg. I both like and dislike this scenario. The woman in me says I should not have to beg, but the slave in me needs to beg. The Master says, yes you will beg. So I lay down, legs spread wide begging, Daddy fuck your dirty, little, whore please... oh please. I need you to...

1/5/2016 12:45:30 PM


Den Of Thieves

Well I must say, the internet has taught me a lot of things. Today, I learned it is very important to watermark and copyright your pictures. I had to break out my photoshop and learn how to use it today. Took most of the morning in fact. It is also sad that one must do such things to deter thieves.

This all came about over 2 separate incidences. Some FAKE wanna-be thinks it is cute to steal pictures and say it is them. One even has a profile right here on CS. The slum of the internet. I told this person to remove them. I complained and reported them to the admins here and 8 weeks have passed and no action taken. This profile hangs out there taunting me. I want to rip it out of cyberspace. UGHHHHH, it is maddening. Though, on a more positive note, I am a little flattered that someone thought, "Gee, here's a girl I wish I looked like..." Ya, you wish. Keep dreaming. Probably some guy pretending to female. 

I think this person has gone a step further and made a few disposable profiles to tell me to remove my theft disclaimer. Idiot, does he think he is an admin? Tries to tell me that once posted, it's free for all to steal and re-post as they wish. If only I could punch faces through the internet. 

I will say this, they may wish to be me all they want. It is something they will never attain. I am the only me there is. Many have seen this fine lily white ass on cam and juicy pussy pouring honey over some lucky dildo. Black gem butt plug filling my asshole. I can back up what I post and I get to wear this body everyday. So I suppose I will let them dream a lie. I get to live the reality bitches!!!! BOOOYA

1/3/2016 2:34:25 PM


REFLECTION

Is it just me or does it seem like it should be spring already? Me, I can't wait. I am not a winter person. Hibernation would be my solution. On the upside the days are getting longer. At least the holidays are over. I am anxious for those cadbury easter eggs! Can't forget the chocolate bunnies.

Got myself swatted some today, managed to beg my way out of most of it... Smart mouth again. It gets me into more trouble. Though it is slowly being corrected. I do think more often now, before speaking some sarcastic, ass burning, words. 

It has been a hell of a time the last couple weeks, but things are starting to look up. I just have to let go of some things...for now. I guess it allows me to focus on what is truly before me. Here and now. What is gone, is gone and I can not get it back. I cried and had my tantrum... Time now to move on to other things. Got a new year to create, new chapters to write, adventures to have. That sadness will always be there, but I can not let it rule me. Perhaps in time, I will see why things happened the way they did. They say everything happens for a reason and some things elude us no matter how hard we try. 

12/29/2015 1:10:22 PM


Dark Thoughts

Dear Diary

Why is life butt fucking me with no lube? Today I feel like calling down fire and brimstone. Making Lightning and chaos. Let me run amok. Even in these chains, you can't stop me. Set me loose to exact my terrible vengeance upon one so deserving. Let me hear the screams of a dying soul and let me see the last breath drawn. I will sink my fangs in deep and drink all that exists until breath is taken no more, the light goes out and life has left the shell behind. Then I shall be satiated of this terrible hunger. 

I could rip a hole into heaven and hell today. Shaking mountains and bringing cataclysms in it's wake. Today I want to shatter a soul into the black, cold, empty abyss. One has crossed me as none other, and I shall see the crimson flow around me, as the screams fade to silence. There are not tears enough to quench the fire lit within. I shall bathe in those salty tears and relish every savory moment. I have nothing but time. I can wait patiently as every shred is ripped away like layers of an onion. Watching each moment of pain with a smirk on my face.  See you in your nightmares dear enemy. I am the stuff bad dreams are made of...

12/22/2015 9:51:30 AM


Party Girl

Today I feel like tossing back a few beers and then, just acting naturally! I would then proceed to put on my jams as loud as possible and get lost in the music. Fade away from this reality. At least, for a little while. Riding the sounds that touch my soul. 

As a slave, owned, collared and chained; I am not allowed to just do as I please. I beg permission but, am denied. I pout. Inside I scream but do not dare let that escape beyond the confines of my mind. Sometimes I do miss not having to answer to anybody for anything. 

I ponder the consequences. Taking a deep breath I decide it is not worth it. I can not keep a secret when I am under the influence of delicious spirits. Why do I want to get drunk? I have felt so weighed down and want to break free, for just a time. To feel like I have nothing to worry about. 

I think back to a simpler time. Alone in my own apartment... dancing naked as if nobody was watching, music loud... Been so long since I could do anything like that. I later found out I was being watched, but that is another story for another time. It feels like it is going to be a long winter and I find I am wishing it was over already. 


12/15/2015 3:29:43 PM
Just a day 35 swats on my bare naked ass today. several hours later and I still feel the sting. Oh, I deserved them... It is so hard to stop my mouth from saying smart ass remarks. Though I think it will be a while before I say anything like that again. Another sister left the house yesterday. That just leaves two of us left. Not everyone can handle the intricate moods of a Dragon I guess. Either that or many who call themselves slaves just don't have any idea what it means to truly serve. So many I have met or heard about through the internet vine, want things to revolve around them. In my mind, those people have no business calling themselves slaves or even subs. They want to be treated like queens. Queens are not slaves. I say good riddance to those Drama Queens anyways. Perhaps some of the stresses I had been facing will now be gone from me, leaving me with just peace and my beloved Dragon.

12/11/2015 12:46:27 PM


WHORE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkWwDhf-Ms8

12/7/2015 3:55:27 PM
Smart Assy

So my ass is burning after 10 hard swats with the leather paddle, just one set of three today. roughly thirty swats for my smart mouth. I won't deny I deserved every single one. HAHA woooorth it! 

Though, I am reminded of my place for a while now, as I don't think my ass could take much more of those heavy swats. Humbled and meek once again, I sit and think over my day. So much on my mind. Big life decisions ahead. I try to enjoy the stillness before the storm. I see it coming on the horizon and feel a sense of dread mixed with excitement. 

While I absolutely love wild storms in nature, life storms are not so easy or enjoyable to weather. I worry about crashing into the rocks. A comforting thought crosses my mind, He won't let me fall. I feel a strength deep within. Peace washes over me. Love, pure and sweet as honey, wraps me tightly. I have been training for this for a long time. My soul has invested so much in the creation of what is coming to fruition. Literal blood, sweat and tears have been poured into making the fantasy, reality. The time is soon at hand. 

I take a deep soothing breath. My animal side is awake, on full alert. Something stirred it from it's slumber. I want to leap into the night and hunt. I want to feel the warm crimson. Sweet, metallic, satisfying my thirst. For a time at least. I want to run like the wind and feel the earth beneath my toes. I want to howl up at the moon, her silver magic washing over me. 

The night calls to me. Alluring darkness, watching all from the shadows. Primal and taking me over, I surrender giving all I am to the feeling. The siren song leading the way. I am powerless to resist it. "come to me my darling..." I hear the whispers in the breeze. My soul caught in white hot flames, purifying all that needs not be. Consumed completely, the ashes fall in a silent heap. Fear not, I shall rise again, pure and ready for what awaits me...

12/6/2015 9:32:54 AM
A Journey Of The Soul


Today I feel strong. I feel protected and shielded. Some balance has returned. Everything does not feel so topsy turvy and yet, I have no more answers, only more questions. I can do nothing about this. Sit and wait for the path to reveal itself to me when the time is right. I am seeing pieces of it emerge already. 

The fear is fading and turning more to ambition. Lighting a fire inside me, driving me to a purpose. Determination replaces anxiety. I feel anchored now, my Dragon walking beside me. I know in my soul that everything is going to be ok. No matter what happens I am loved, protected and cherished. That is a good feeling to have. I am not alone.

Today I feel as though I have an army at my back. My army. Their job is to hear my heart's wishes and do all they can to bring them to fruition. They are my miracle workers. Without them I would not be where I am today. I speak, they act in accordance to my will. Who am I that I have my own army? I suppose that is not as important as learning to utilize all I have around me. Learning to wield my gifts and powers. Perhaps someday the other answers will come. 

For now I can rest some knowing I am on a journey of the soul. To learn who I really am, what I am capable of and to reach a destination shown to me long ago. I know that I will see all I need to at the right moments. The trick is to calm the mind and bring it into submission with the soul. My Dragon helps me with that. 

My dreams are filled with hidden meanings and messages that I have to decipher and decode. A worthwhile endeavor I must say as I discover the messages, I see how I can adapt day to day to co-create my destiny. I feel the power inside me. Like a fire burning through my veins. The essence of life. 

I raise my hands towards the sky and feel as though I could part the heavens. Calling down lightning and fire from the clouds. I wish I could feel like this all the time. I focus my mind to a single purpose. My thoughts turn to my future. Then I feel something strange, or rather someone. 

Yes, I know you. Yes I hear you and feel you but, our paths parted long ago. You watch my progress from afar. I can feel the thoughts running amok in your mind. I can see some of them. You tempt me to stray from my path but, I am committed to my course. I wonder to myself, what has brought you out into the open again? Gone in hiding you were for so long. Left me unguarded and a Mighty Dragon swooped in and snatched me away, changing my course forever. See a Dragon recognizes  a treasure when he sees one, even if it is dusty and not so shiny at first glance. Ghost in the Darkness, you shall not have me. Challenge the power of the Dragon if you dare, but don't cry to me when your ass is burned in the flames. Just had to put it out there that I am aware of eyes upon me, hunting and prowling in the shadows.

12/5/2015 11:59:16 AM



I blink and life changes. I fight back tears. Tears of a knowing. My soul knows something is up. My brain struggles to catch up and figure out what is happening. Soul says trust, believe and fly. You can, you know how. All your training has been for a purpose. 

I am afraid of the unknowns. But, I can not deny the call is real. Strong, powerful and yet coaxing. Pulling me ever closer one nano-step at a time. I feel my heart beat quicken at these thoughts and epiphanies. A flutter stirs deep in my belly. Telling me all I really need to know. Mind struggles to cope with, how?

He is always with me. In my thoughts, my heart and soul. He calls me to him. Day and night, I hear it growing stronger. Feel it gripping me tighter. When I close my eyes, I see it. I see my future before me. The images come when my eyes are open as well. All I can think is, I must go to him. I must go... 

I feel safety chains around me. He knows I am a flight risk. He knows me better than I know myself. Finishing thoughts I never even spoke aloud. The magic is strong and flows like a mighty river between us. I tremble and shake. A gentle hand holds me close. I am protected by a Dragon. What could I possibly have to fear? 


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpZjjwrRxJE

 



11/26/2015 2:36:41 PM

Life is changing all around me. Everything seems to be happening so fast, and yet taking forever at the same time. I have been building up to this moment for a very long time and now that it is within my grasp, fears arise. I try desperately to focus on my path and what is needed for my continued growth and journey as a slave.

Some people only live this life for pretend, or online, role-playing imaginary things. Only as something to pass the time or something new to try. I live this life fully. Everyday. No breaks, no weekends only. I am a 24/7 slave. With all that comes with it. Chores, duties, loyalties, punishments and rewards. Training and learning. I serve with all that I am. At least, for those who prove that they can rule me. Very few can. While I am a slave at heart, I struggle with a streak of stubbornness and defiance. A wild thing who can only be reigned in by a true Master. One driven to control and conquer.

Yes, one chapter of my journey is closing and another beginning. Seamlessly and without breaks. It is happening, events are set into motion and now it is a matter of waiting for the chips to fall. I search my soul and ask, how am I going to do this? I am answered with One day at a time Profound and yet, so simple. Almost smart-ass even. As I meditate on these words, they become my salvation. My strength.

Soon, I will wake up in a new location. New people introduced into my very small world. Life will take on a new form and my journey will continue in a new found way. Things are at work, moving Heaven and Earth. I take a deep breath, all very overwhelming and a bit scary. So many questions that only time can answer. Time means waiting... I am not so good with the waiting. Butterflies stir me inside making me feel as though I could jump up and fly. Making it difficult to sit still, which is what is called of me at this moment. A long period of gestation has come with these changes and the birth is almost at hand. A time of renewal.

Visions of my future flash before my eyes, not yet making much sense, but soon...they will. Transition, rebirth. I come upon a fork in the road. I must choose one side or the other. I do not know where either of them leads, in the end. I turn inward and search for the answer. The path behind me is difficult to leave, the comforts I have come to know. The privileges I have become used to. Very soon all will vanish and something new will present itself.

I think to myself, this is what you have been creating, working towards. Ever climbing and evolving... why do I not feel the anticipated excitement I would expect? I think it because this journey is not an easy one. One of the hardest choices I have ever had to face before. There is a sacrifice called for here as well and one I am not at all happy to be having to undergo. Many comforts I now enjoy and have even taken for granted, are disappearing. Though, they are being replaced with something else. A trade off? Tears sting my eyes threatening to fall. To truly achieve greatness, one must make sacrifices. They are painful and my inner child panics for what will be lost, left behind and eventually fade to memory. I consider backing out and retreating back to the safety of what I have known and become accustomed to. A gentle voice within me speaks, You have been down that road and know what lies back there. Time now to bring your gifts where they are most needed... I tremble and shake, gasping for a full breath.

I stand on the edge of what appears to be a very high cliff. I look down and can not see the bottom below. Winds whip my hair around my face. The time to leap is at hand. I am called strongly and in a coaxing tone. I must leap in faith, knowing that my safe landing is assured. Could you do it? Could you jump and trust no harm would befall you? This is what I am being called to do. I sweat and my palms are clammy. I gauge the height of what I perceive in front of me. I am afraid. My mind and body say, are you fucking crazy?! When I leap, will I fly as my Dragon has been training me to do, or, will I fall to my death? Have faith, all things are possible to those who believe...


11/12/2015 12:08:23 PM

Rays Of Light

 

So I was feeling very gloomy earlier. Life looked bleak and barren. That is until my Dragon came and scooped me up. Bringing a smile to my lips once again. Letting me know I am not alone in this journey even when it gets tough and scary. I have him to lean on, to carry me if need be for a time.

A warmth spreads across me chasing the cold away. Dragon's fire. What would I do without him? I would be so lost. I am grateful to have him in my life. He keeps me from giving up and losing hope. He carries me when I fall and gives me a safe place to rest and relax.

A happiness bubbles up from the depths of my soul. He breathed new life into me once again. Smiling and bouncy I feel something like myself. He is so good at that. Sometimes I swear he reads my thoughts. It is good though for he seems to see what I am unable to express.

I clutch the small dragon around my neck, and know everything is going to be ok. I am not alone. They say if you want to conquer the world you just need Dragons. Seems I am off to a good start. Though I have no need to conquer the world, just myself. As His wings encircle me, I feel protected, warm and safe. For now, I can rest knowing all will be right as rain.


11/12/2015 8:21:48 AM

As the weather turns cold, the frigid sinks deep into me. I feel as though I should curl up in a hole somewhere quiet and sleep out the winter. My inner beast awakens and leaves my mood rather foul. Hungering for what is long past, I fight my inner demons. My favorite time of year is behind me now and the days bring me little to look forward to. Routine and mundane, adventure calls to me like a wolf howling in the deep of night.

At war with myself, trapped in an icy world, I feel the loss of warmer days. The haunting sound of my river paradise echoes in my mind. Taunting and relentless I can not escape myself. Again, I feel as though I should just sleep until the thaw.

My very life hangs in the balance these days. Not knowing exactly what is coming but feeling something big creeping ever closer. I am filled with uncertainty and dread. Insecure and frightened, I struggle with my troubled thoughts. Devoured internally, I feel as though I have nowhere to turn.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=96MiYk9VYvc


11/4/2015 9:26:10 AM
Born Of Ashes
Troubled for days. Anxious and fluttery, the fires are coming. I feel them in the distance. I go within and seek answers to what I feel, sense. I pray to the heavens for a sign. They are all around me, everywhere I look, revelation strikes me. A knowing comes over me that defies logic and explanation.
My Dragon has sent me a gift, coming in the mail... a phoenix. What perfect timing for such a thing. It reminds me that I will always rise from the ashes. I was born in fire. Long ago in centuries past, I died of fire. The time approaches when I will be called to take a leap of faith. Nearer now than ever before.
One chapter of my life will be consumed in purifying fire. From the ashes comes a rebirth. Renewal. Transformation. I have caught glimpses of what is coming. Seen it in visions when everything is still. My heart quickens, races inside my chest. Breath leaves me, gasping I question. I have been through this enough times to know... To know it is true. He is coming. Coming for me. It was foretold long ago in misty dreams that haunt me each and every day I draw breath.
I begin to see more clearly as the time gets closer. The picture forms, but I could not put it into words. There are no words to capture what I have seen. I do not know how or when these things will come to be, just that I need to be ready when they do.
I look around myself as if I am seeing these things as they are for the very last time. Letting my mind take mental pictures. Very soon it will all change. I am not for certain where I will end up or how I will even get there. Therein lies the key. Perfect trust. Life has burned in front of my eyes before and always I have risen from the ashes to begin anew.
I am nervous, anxious, excited and scared all at the same time. A new chapter is about to begin. A journey is unfolding. All I can do now is wait and trust.
A line from a poem I wrote: "On this day I have died for you, yet from this ash I shall rise anew..."

11/3/2015 9:38:26 AM

Life In A Poly-House

 

 

So my Dragon Lord has given me this assignment. I am to write about the ups and downs of life as a poly-alpha-slave. My role is slightly different than that of the other girls. I am in charge of spying on them to make sure they are behaving and bringing only honor to the House of Dragon.

 

This is not my first attempt at being in a poly home with one Master over everyone. My first attempt at it did not go well. It takes a strong leader to pull everyone together for a common purpose and to keep back-biting and sniping of one another in check. My first time through ended up with a war between the slaves. A war I won by the way.

 

This time has been a much better experience. Though not without it's complications and snags. I struggle to fight back jealous thoughts and feelings at times. Always worried about being replaced, or forgotten. Though the fears I have are not founded in this situation. I must learn to let them go. Little by little my Dragon Lord has pieced together this household. Dealing with everyone takes it's toll on him. I feel it lowers the quality of the time we do spend together as he is often tired and burned out.

 

He is the one everyone is most interested in spending time with. We tolerate each other and try to bond as best we can for His sake. Trouble is, there are four of us and only one of him. As his Alpha and number one, I try to relay things to the others on his behalf, though I have seen that it is not received well, as they really just want to talk to him directly. I too would prefer he just deal with each of them directly and not try to put me in the middle of the fray. Though it is his will we all must bend to in the end and he wants his house to work a certain way.

 

As this is online, there are not a lot of perks to being poly at this time. If we were all under a single roof, we could share house duties, and bedroom duties equally or as seen fit by the Dragon Lord. This however, is not the case. We are all separated by many miles and try to make this work long distance. It goes surprisingly well actually. Well, most of the time. There is the issue of not enough Master to go around.

 

I have found though, it does build a kind of support network, which has been a much needed addition to my life. We can all lean on one another and know that we will always have each other. Like a family. It has been nice to have sisters to talk to about girl stuff now and then. Men just don't get all the issues we females have, so it is nice to have other women to talk to. A sisterhood begins to form. I am not close with my bio-family, so this has met a real need in my world. Just to know there are a small few out there who care how my day went, or what I am going through. This means so much to me. It has made all the bumps in the road worth overcoming.

 

Th poly life is so intricate and fragile. Everyone has to be honest and open with each other. Even if it is difficult to do. There really can be no secrets kept if it is to work smoothly. Everyone must respect the head of the house as well as each other. Once sides are taken and back stabbing takes a foothold, it all falls apart. A good poly family is built in love, trust and mutual respect for the differences of all who are involved. The more in the mix, the more delicate it all becomes. One weak link can bring the whole thing down to rubble. Everyone must do their part.

 

I have grown much under the guidance and care of my poly family. Times come when I want to give up, but someone is always there to say, please don't quit. When we all do this for each other, we get stronger. We build one another up and we all grow.

Sometimes there are squabbles and misunderstandings. This is when it takes the strength of a good leader to crack the whip and bring order to the chaos. To make the hard decisions and to keep all in line. My first attempt at poly did not have a strong leader, and everything fell into utter chaos for a time. There was no discipline enforced and it became a battle of the strongest. I was afraid to try poly again after such hell on earth. Though I have been pleasantly surprised by how well it can work with a natural leader in charge.

 

This has all been written based on my journey through it first hand. The struggles, the victories, the failures and the effort made to create something that is beautiful and enjoyable. There are many pros and cons to living a poly lifestyle. There is no single right way to make it work either. One thing is certain not everyone can take it. Not everyone has what it takes to share a life with multiple people involved. It gets complicated and can be messy when everyone's life baggage collides. I am glad I have fought through the tough battles and stuck with it though, for the rewards have far surpassed the difficulties encountered.

 

Thank you for reading.  


9/22/2015 10:11:51 AM

I want to address something as I have been getting concerned people speaking up to me. I suppose they are worried that I am forced into a life of slavery and beaten cruelly by whip masters... pffft, I wish! Fact is, I chose this life. I want to be owned and controlled. I enjoy being a kept woman.

Many ask me if I want to be free. I say, I am more free now than I ever was before. Yes, I whine and drag my feet about some lessons I must learn. Sometimes I write journals complaining about this or that or something else... I have ups and downs like everybody. Not everyday is paradise. More so, not every day is hell either. You think Olympians don't break down and cry during practice and training? You think people who love what they do don't have a bad day and want vacation now and then?

I can love what I am doing and still struggle with things along the way. I can break down and cry because something is difficult to do or handle. This does not mean I want to give up or run away with someone. It just means I get to celebrate all the more because I fought through it and came out on top. Some of you seem to think I am wanting to make a break and run away with you. Please do not worry, this lifestyle is a daily journey, I write much of the journey, good or bad, here. I share it so those around can know that life as a 24/7 slave has it's pros and cons.

Do not be concerned as I choose this way of living each day. Some days I ride the clouds and have no cares at all. Other days, I fall hard and scrape my knee and maybe even cry just a little. I am not a quitter and I know when I have found something worth fighting for.

Thank you to those of you who follow my journey and express your concern. I do appreciate it. Please know I am doing just fine and have two loving supporting Doms who help me as I go along this journey of self discovery. Please do not worry about me too much at this time. I am not alone on this path, difficult as it may seem at times, and am happy with what I am striving to achieve. Thank you for your cooperation. Blessings

~slave shai


9/17/2015 6:41:45 PM

Eyes Wide Shut

 

Some days it is tough being a slave. Today I learned that I don't even get to choose my friends. I sat defiant on this for a time. I suppose it makes sense, I did surrender all. A humbling realization. It hit me so hard I had to just sleep a while. I sit pondering it all now. A somber sadness comes over me. What have I gotten myself into?

I have never let anyone tell me who I could and could not remain friends with, not even my own parents. Defiant to the very last. I have learned that when my Dragon sends one of my "friends" on their way, it usually ends up being for the best. Sad as I am in the moment, I see later on that they really weren't a good influence. Still it frustrates me as yet another was sent on their merry way. What price am I paying and for what purpose?

Troubled, I seek to find a quiet place. No such place near me exists except in my dreams, which end all too quickly. I find bed time is now my favorite time of day. My soft plush blankets, on a soft foam bed... Warm and dark. I huddle close to the wall so as to feel protected. Then I fall into sleep dreaming of grand new adventures. It's nature's cruel joke though to pull me out of a dream state and make me face reality. No I am not a vampire secret agent, killing all my enemies before they knew what hit them... I am a slave locked in a little box where the chores are never ending and the demands weigh heavy on my soul.


9/1/2015 12:40:54 PM

Whips, Leather and Chains

 

There is a reason this lifestyle has the word bondage in it's name. It is binding. From the first day I became a slave, I have been hooked. Ruined forevermore to vanilla life. I will always need a Master to control me. Many vanillas just don't get it. They say "you are not someone's property." "No one can own another human being." so on, and so on... Yes I am owned. I am enslaved. I have surrendered everything. Not because it was forced upon me, but because I choose to everyday.

No bond on earth is stronger than the Master/slave bond. At least, when it is done right. Thresholds are crossed, limits pushed, eyes opened. I was born for this life. To please and serve. I once fought the process. I find myself accepting it more and more. If I was born for it, why then did I fight it so hard? It is hard to surrender completely. To trust so completely. It is difficult to not be selfish, but selfless. To put your own needs, wants and desires aside to serve some one else's. Their needs, desires and wants may not be even close to your own.

I am learning this art of submission, TPE slavery. It is an art too. A delicate dance of give and take. Intricately woven bonds of trust. Something that must be taught, practiced and learned. Spending two months teaching another helped me see on a new level. Helped me take this deeper and internalize things I had never understood before. Sometimes the best way to learn is to teach.

My days are a bit more carefree again. I can breathe a bit easier, feel a bit lighter. My smile has come back to me. Beginning to relax and feel the little joys in life. My favorite time of year approaches! Halloween. The one time of year I can take off my masks and be my true self. Let my inner freak out! The heat of the summer subsides. Leaving me frisky.

I want to mention my Dragon Lord for his guidance and support in helping me to learn all I have in the past 6 months. He has and is continuing to transform me and my view of things. He held my hand every step of the way, showing me that I can indeed fly. He has not once let me fall, nor left my side. His guiding hand directing every motion, every action... He is the puppet Master, I, his willing puppet.


8/27/2015 3:26:04 PM
Eternal Soul

A flicker of passion, now fanned to flame
Awakened desire knows no shame
Wild like fire, controlling the blaze
Lost in your smile, a fog like haze
Words of instruction, a pupil at hand
Wishes of Love, your every demand
Songs of Forever whispered in time
Tales of tomorrow riddled in rhyme
Oceans of sorrow lost in the sands
Soul is eternal and placed in your hands

To my Master,Teacher and Best Friend
*copyright 2015


I feel as though I fall in love each and every day with my Dragon. Each day there is more love than the day before it. I absolutely adore my Dragon, I worship Him and feel as though even a single minute apart would leave me breathless. He does so much for me. Worries about me, makes me laugh when I am sad, holds me tight when I am lonely or scared. He sings to me when I am in need of comfort. My life has been changed since He came into it.

I want to give Him everything I have. I owe Him so much. He saved me from myself, and from the wild wolves that stalk about. He helps me keep them at bay. What can a slave give, but only herself? If I had riches they would be all His. He is my favorite person in the whole world to talk to. My very reason to get out of bed each day. Every breath I breathe with His name on my lips.

I see Him in my dreams almost every night. I should get Him a cape because He is my super-hero! I have learned so much under His guidance and watchfulness. Today I just want to say thank you to my Dragon for always being there, for everything He does for not just me, but all under His care. I know it isn't easy. The impact His influence has had on me has left me forever altered. I only hope I bring Him as much joy and pleasure as He brings to me.

Forever and always I fly with the Black Dragon. All I am or ever will be, is His.


8/24/2015 8:50:09 AM
Change Is In The Air

So last night, Master Dragon added a new sister to our ever growing house. I fight off butterflies in my belly. I see so much. It makes me worry. Though I find I worry about events that have not even happened yet. I still see what lies ahead.
Already drama broke out late last night.

I take a breath. I close my eyes and fight off panic. I have learned much in the days that have passed. I have been prepared for this. This is what all my teaching and training has been for. Time to shine. Time to do what it is I have been trained to do.

In other news, I am pretty sure I have to walk away from my pet puppy boy. I can not seem to get through to him on any level. So lost he is and determined to remain so. I want to help with all my heart, but some people have to learn things the hard way. I have stayed up late thinking, losing sleep trying to figure out how to reach him. Now with a new addition to the house, I do not have the time or patience to keep whacking the walls. So to puppy, stay within your walls if you must. You know where to find me when you are truly ready to serve.

I have so many thoughts to sort this morning. The air feels heavy and I find it difficult to catch my breath. I try to remain centered and focused. I push fear out of my mind. I must not lose sight now. I must follow my path and reach my destiny.

I wish I could flip a switch in my chaotic brain and turn all the hectic noise off. New responsibilities have been added to me. I fight and kick and scream inside. I just want to play and be carefree. The last few days were starting to feel that way. It did not last long though.

Tears sting my eyes as they try to fall but can not. They burn like white fire from the pain I hold back inside. From what I speak of to no one. They blur my vision, but will not fall. Tears from words that can not be spoken.

A fire lights. Flames build inside. Fear becomes rage and I want to sink my fangs into something. Blood lust rises in me and I feel I can not keep it at bay. The hunter emerges from slumber, hungry and agitated. Wanting to be satiated once again. This thirst is eternal, and my constant companion. Perhaps I will only know peace when I do what it is in my nature to do? Perhaps I shall never know lasting peace? With the thirst come strange thoughts and cloudy visions. The hunt, the kill, the crimson liquid pouring down my parched throat. Warm and metallic yet sweet. The wild calls to me. I seek solace but have not found it in some time. I fear what is ahead of me. I will not give up, I must not give up. I walk into the flames.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUZV_KLiCJA



8/18/2015 7:59:09 PM

My Sun & Stars

You are my Sun by day and Stars at night

You guide me true with your Eternal Light

You protect me from almost everything

You are my life, my love, a Real True King

I give you all that I can ever give

My heart, my soul, this very life I live

I kneel before you, as Your humble slave

For you my love, as shore loves ocean's wave

*copyright 2015


8/15/2015 12:57:17 PM
DISCOVERIES 



As I ponder things about training my dog boy, I begin to realize things that never made much sense to me before. Like a bolt of lightning has struck my brain, I see things. Things that I was always told to do. I Did them because I had to, but now I see why it was important for me to do them and to do them right.

As I teach a newbie the ropes, These things dawn on me. For example, I never much saw the point in putting my Doms first. My thought on the matter was, well they don't put me first, so what does it matter as long as I do what I am told? I thought just doing what I was told was enough. It is only the beginning. I can see clearly now why it is important to put your Dom first. I get so upset when my pet is told to do a specific task. I give instructions and I want him to follow them. Not only just follow them but, to do it exactly as I have commanded it be done. I want it this way because I have a lesson I am trying to teach and if it is done wrong the lesson would not be caught. When my pet fails to see why I want him to do the tasks I have him do, I get really upset.

I then enter the process of breaking this all down. I now see both sides. He does not yet understand the importance behind the lessons and what they are building and bringing him towards. I am trying to show him by giving him tasks and lessons that I hope will make him think on the matter. When he does not do it the way I want, Then I see that he is not putting me first. He is just scraping by doing what I ask but not making effort to make what I wanted a true gift.

Now I get to my real epiphany in that I see how it feels to not be shown the respect and courtesy I feel I deserve as a Dominant putting up with his whining, crying, begging, pleading, cheating, and deceiving.

I see now how it is important to put my Dominant first. When I only give a partial effort, it is speaking far more than I realized before to Him. My efforts are how I show and prove that I mean the words I speak. Without these the words I say are just words. If I don't give my best then how can I expect to get all I want in return? Just doing what I am told is only the first baby step among many in true submission and surrender. As a sub I may not always understand the vision behind the process. I am expected to trust that the process is taking me where I want to be and creating in me the things I want. A Dominant does not always have to explain why they do what they do. Perhaps, it is because there is no way to describe the taste of something to someone who has never tasted it. The words and efforts trying to explain the taste of salt to a person who never tasted it, is exhausting. However, if you can get that person to just try it, taste it, experience and feel it for themselves, it is a lesson they will never forget.

I get so exhausted trying to train my puppy boy, and at times I want to just give up. Everyone around me tells me to give up. That I tried. I can't force him to obey. Obedience is a choice. Effort is a choice. How much effort we put into a task is also a choice. When we as a sub/slave choose to put all our efforts into something for our Dominant, we are telling them and showing them how we truly feel. The more hardships endured and overcome to achieve the task the more meaningful it is to the person we are gifting it to. If all we have to give are reasons why the task was done poorly or not done at all, what are we really telling them? That they don't matter to us as much as this reason did or that reason did. We are saying that we will only do their task if it is comfortable and convenient to us.

Is this how we want them to treat us? Do we not demand they give us time and attention. I have seen things from a new perspective. I now understand how much it truly takes to be a good Top. To come up with assignments, to teach, to pay attention and watch progress. To scold, and punish, to cherish and love. It is not too unlike being a parent. As subs are we ungrateful children? Something I will leave you all with... Tata for now


8/3/2015 10:08:03 AM
So it has been some time since I wrote a journal here. My profile was messed up for a long time but seems to be ok now. 

So much has changed. I now serve two Masters. I am learning to be an Alpha slave over a poly household and I have my own puppy boy to train as well. Life has been much happier and I feel more fulfilled than so long ago. 

I have come far in my journey to be the best slave I can be. At least I would like to think so. I will have to write more here in the days to come. For now that is all

~Shai

1/30/2015 7:35:54 AM

I smell it in the air today. Something new. The first hints of spring maybe? The winds of change begin to gust and blow. Whistling through the window cracks. The wind Banshees whispering of things to come. It excites me to feel spring on it's way. A comfort knowing the thaw is at hand.

The energy of the wind tantalizes my senses today. I feel ... *alive...* For the first time in ages it seems. I am filled with a new sense of things. Though, do not let the still surface mislead you. Underneath, the animal awakens. Hungry from a long winter's sleep.

It is a playful mood I am feeling today. I want to dance and frolic. I want to laugh and feel merry, for no reason at all. Just because life should be celebrated. So short it can be. I am learning things only last for a season. Then it passes and a new one begins. Sometimes there is great sorrow in the passing of one, but then follows great joy in the discovery of something new. Letting go has never been easy, but I see now that it is necessary. To let pass what no longer serves me.

The dawn is on the horizon and it is looking glorious. Wealth, power, and gratitude are my new companions. I am looking forward to see what unfolds. For now I just want to enjoy this feeling of renewal, and rebirth. Like a phoenix, I have risen from the ashes of the old and come out new, reborn of fire. Purified and cleansed. Today, I lift my eyes to the heavens with wonder and contentment. Grateful for the lessons I have learned. Grateful for the bullets dodged. This year is going to be a wild ride and I can hardly wait!


9/17/2014 4:31:02 PM



Advances in Science

So, some new changes in my system, thanks to some helpful advice of a friend. A dirty menu of all the slutty things I will do on cam. Now I have no doubt I am a whore... Haggling over price...lol. At least it is only a cam whore. This body can get so filthy for all my fans, but remain pristine and untouched! Best of both worlds, hmmm? At least, for me.

I just have to hone my skills as a tease. Was always told I am a tease... Now, lets see how good I am at it. System in place, I can now focus more on subtle things; Little gestures or movements. More to learning this art than I thought. Still, a challenge I am up for.

I am curious to see how dirty things will get now... Gave them all a taste of what I will do. Hopefully left them all wanting more. I know I want more. I find nervousness turning more towards excitement as I continue to embrace my inner slut. A process guided my Dom. Could not have done this without him urging me on. Taking me step by step from shy but, freaky girl to exhibitionist and self proclaimed slut, whore! And to make me feel excited about it all to boot! Even I am surprised. Can't wait to see how things will continue to unfold. Just how dirty can I become?


9/16/2014 3:43:19 PM

Good friends, Good Food, Good Life

Finally getting a feel for this live entertainment thing. Some good friends have been helpful along the way. Thank you bunches and bunches! I could not have gotten this far without all of you who walk with me. I send much love your way!

Life has gotten so busy. Only a few weeks ago I sat bored to tears with little to do. Now I am on the fly it seems even on my days off! Wait days off?!?!?! *screech* slaves don't get days off. Slave's work is never done. Gimme a 'Tru Dat' if you feel me!

I would not trade it though. I am enjoying this walk-about quite a bit. Well I have to run, dinner can't cook itself! *Don't I wish*


9/15/2014 2:55:42 PM



My little Purple Gem

Feeling fabulous today! I'm walking on sunshine! Been a great day. Time with him makes all the difference in a day. Even just a little time.

Today I was commanded to wear my little plug not 1 hour. Not 2 hours but, all day. I am so horny. Anything shaped remotely phallus and I look at it like, what would that feel like inside me? Been so wet had to change my pants already. It is like blissful torture. The color of the day, purple.

I am feeling that nice dreamy feeling I love. Seeing dirty things play out in my mind. Kinky things. Some a little twisted even. Oh sure you all want me to share my secret naughty and taboo thoughts, don't you? Hmmm, nope. You all will just have to imagine them!

I like this little magic gem. I was afraid at first to wear it. Cold stainless steel... I look forward to it now. Giggling seductively to myself as I lube it all up for insertion. Pop. It glides in, ohhh ya. That's nice. A little reminder that I am a sex toy. Mmmm. *wiggles on my bottom feeling it deep inside my tight ass* Did I just share that out loud? For all to see? Yes, Yes I did. *Wicked grin* Well that's I all I got for the day enjoy my happy song of the day!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LoQYw49saqc


9/14/2014 2:19:20 PM

Nasty Girl

So today I relaxed and did very little. After last night's show, I need it. It was awesome. I put the bat in me again... Did some anal play. My head is filled with sensual and sexual thoughts now. Always looking for new things to push into my little pussy and ass. All for the entertainment of the masses. Really it is for the pleasure of whom I serve.

It is fun being so dirty. Teasing all the horny men, and women. In the process of teasing them, I get so wet... so turned on. Dancing and giggling. Wiggling and writhing. I beg them to get me naked, to tell me what to put inside me... They beg me to go further and do more. To get ever nastier. To take it even deeper.

I never imagined a world like this. Where sex rules supreme. I am glad to be a part of it. I do sometimes worry though, how on this earth, will I top the show before? Each time I do new things. Eventually you run out of possibilities, I would think. I suppose as long as there is horny people in this world... There will always be dirty and naughty things to try.

I have made a few new friends along this path. Some were there at my show cheering me on. Giving me guidance, support. Easing my jittery nerves. Helping me be amazing and even urging my watchers to open their coin purses! I am so grateful they were there. I was terribly nervous. I am not sure why. Was good to have some familiar energies. Much love to them!

It does beg one question very strongly though... **Where was my Dom in all this?** Why was it not his words comforting me? His words guiding me? Helping me along? Is this not his project? Am I not doing this all due to him? My heart sinks a little as I begin to feel left alone. Like a child who lost sight of their loved ones. I am saddened and disheartened. Maybe even a little discouraged. He should have been there. I am left wondering many things. I needed him and he was not there.


9/12/2014 2:53:27 PM


A Lot About Nothing

I really don't know what to write about today. Things are leveling out a bit. I am getting used to doing my shows. I am not so sore as in the early days. I get so many people writing to me about them. Some even want me to find God. LOL

I am happy with who I am becoming. I am enjoying the ride. It is hard to imagine my life just a couple months ago, before all of this. While some days push my limits and challenge me, even frustrate me. I would not trade any of it for all the world.

I get asked many questions about this path I am on. I like feeling like my life is interesting now. Some days I feel like it is too interesting! One thing I have not been since this all began is bored. I am beginning to forget what that feels like.


9/11/2014 8:43:39 AM


I will be doing my next show:

Saturday 9/13/14 @ 7:00 PM Mountain Time
AbysmalAngel~ http://www.cam4.com/abysmalangel

Thanks to all who came to see my show!!! Blows kisses to all my adoring fans!


9/9/2014 3:30:00 PM



I Feel Dirty...

This butt plug I wear every day makes me so horny. I feel it inside me, full. Makes my pussy want to be full too. Such a magic little device. Pop it in and instant horny! Wonder who invented it? I find I enjoy it a great deal. I get excited to wear it each day. Though it is equally a relief to remove it when time is up. Then I miss it. Maybe I should name it? My little anal dwelling friend...

Energy bubbles forth today, as if from a hidden wellspring. I owe this to a good friend who paid me a visit this morning. I so needed it. Actually had some time today to let my thoughts wander. Felt so nice. My boobies tied up all pretty like. I liked that too. Told you the self bondage would come! Didn't I? Yes, yes I did...

*Gasp* if that came true, what of the self suspension prediction??? *shivers* I am in a good mood. My favorite time of year approaches. Halloween!!! Such a crispness in the air, the festival spirit becomes noticeable in people. The one time of year I can show my dark side. Muahahahahaaaa

I want a fucking machine. If I had one, I would never do anything else. LOL... Ride my fucking machine, like it was a mechanical bull. I want a mini size though. Portable and dainty. Pretty and sleek. I would be riding my fucking machine right now. *giggle*

I knew given a breath the dirty would return to me! I revel in it. It is just fun to say that word. DIRTY. Mmm, feels good doesn't it? I am so dirty... Ya, I like how that rolls off the tongue. So wet and dirty. Hmm, I think it might be time I go, umm... wash away all the dirty. Toodles


9/9/2014 8:35:18 AM


A NOTE... RE: SHOWS

For those of you following my cam show, I apologize for the many schedule changes. I am very active during these shows and they last 1-2 hours. My Body is adjusting to the new levels of activity... Please be patient as I get toned up more and more the schedule will settle.

This evening's show was moved over one night, to tomorrow evening. My poor legs need a rest! I Will see you all tomorrow rested and ready to dance my heart out and be a dirty slut again for you all. Much luvs!

~slave shaquaela


9/9/2014 7:07:22 AM



I will be doing my next show:

Wednesday 9/10/14 @7:30 PM Mountain Time
http://www.cam4.com/abysmalangel


9/8/2014 3:52:27 PM


Today felt like a Monday. I find I have a case of the Mondays in fact. Low energy. I think I needed more weekend, lol. I am trying to find ways to be so dirty, so filthy. Trying to be a good little slut. Learning ways to excite and tantalize, seduce and tease.

Some days I am on fire! I find that morale feels a little low right now. I search to feel that excitement but, it eludes me. I feel a bit like Alice's white rabbit, so much to do... so little time. Hurry, hurry, hurry.... then wait. I feel I must find my muse again. Where did it go? I need inspiration and refreshment.

All I can think is NAP... "No time for rest, sleep when you are dead..." The voice echoes in my head. Seriously, I can not nap. My fantasy of the day... No, I need to be thinking dirty, sexy, horny. Stir the passion, feed the desire. Fan the flames. Just not feeling it.

Got too much on my mind to feel sexy. Too much to focus on. Sexy comes with feeling dreamy. Dreamy comes with relaxed and refreshed. Frazzled is what I am. Trying to find new and creative things to entertain the masses, trying to tone and strengthen my body each day. Trying to be a dirty slut. Keeping mindful to always be pleasing. Pressure to make it a viable business. Pressure to succeed. Pressure = Stress.

Meanwhile, I fall more behind in other tasks. No time to be sexy, dirty, slutty. I want to scream at the clock. The tick-tock of the clock is painful. I need it to move slower for me. I need it to stretch. Funny how time had lost all meaning to me such a short time ago. Now I do not have enough to cover all I need to accomplish.

Don't get me wrong, I am loving the new challenges. I am loving the path illuminated before me. I have needed this for a long time. I sometimes get unsure of how to handle all that is on my plate. Never had so much to juggle before. I guess when you trip during the ballet, you make it part of the dance. I will find a way, somehow.

 


9/7/2014 3:10:32 PM


Soaring With Dragons

It has been a good weekend. Far too short after last weekend... Flew by so fast. My thoughts left to drift. I am noticing that they drift more and more to pleasures of the flesh. Sexual desire burns within me.

Now that the mind is much better trained time to catch the body up. It is so sore after Thursdays show. What a wild show it was. I am loving this much more than I imagined I would. (Pics posted on my F.L. page)

I still can't believe all this is happening. I barely recognize myself anymore. I love it! Sometimes I worry, and get afraid. I try not to let it stop me though. Wolves be damned, I am woman hear me ROAR! lol...

It has been a wild handful of weeks. My mind races to grasp all that has happened. All that is happening. Could this really only have begun just 7 weeks ago? Eh, roughly estimating. Early July I started this path. I look at where I am now and blink unbelieving.

All this began with a wish. A single heartfelt, soul entwined wish. Wishes are granted sometimes. I am not falling, I realize. I am FLYING! Soaring, wings spread wide... Looking at the ground below from the sky above. My belly flutters inside as I begin to see. I cry out loud with a joyful sound! This is truly amazing. All things really are possible to those who believe...


9/6/2014 6:52:56 PM



I am no longer taking requests for picture poses. Though do bring your cam requests when you come see my show!

9/6/2014 2:03:19 PM


I will be doing my next show:

Monday 2:00 PM (Mountain Time)


9/5/2014 3:51:47 PM

A Dirty Day


I am so excited today. Tired, but it was a good day. I did my cam show and was up around 545 viewers today!!!! Yay! If some of you were there, thank you. Even made some money today. Hooray Christmas for my little boys who live with their dad. I am saving up all my monies to get my kids a kick ass Christmas.

I ran a near 2 hour show today and was physically exhausted by the end, but had a spectacular time. Today I inserted a bat inside my pussy and some bottles, big end first. I was such a filthy slut. I had 3 fingers in my ass too, for a DP show! I put toys in my ass it was a great time.

I got so many ideas for future shows!!! Things to try. To show you all. I am also open to suggestions! I can not stop smiling! To think I almost did not go on cam today. I originally cancelled my scheduled show. I was sore and tired from my last outdoor adventure... I am glad I went on anyways. I can't wait to be a dirty slut again for you all next show.


9/3/2014 8:32:51 PM


Wild Nights

Tonight was my wildest show yet. I topped at 165 viewers at one point. So hard to watch everything happening on my tiny screen. Thank you so much, to all who viewed and contributed to my cause!!! I hope the show was a great one from the other side. I know I worked my ass off for you all.

I think I will have some bottles ready for my next show. Many requested bottles. Also we are working to get better lights and a better sound configuration. Lots of suggestions have come. Thank you. In time these things will improve. Hopefully sooner than later.

My legs are trembling and I am still a bit out of breath even 30 minutes later. I gave it my all and I hope it was an awesome show for all my fans. Much love and gratitude to you all. See you soon.


9/3/2014 3:20:45 PM



Wow what a day it has been. Busy. Barely a moment to think. One event leading right into the next. Feeling like I am juggling 100 different things. Head hurts. Reminds me, thirsty... must have water. Better.

I must get better at the art of the tease. I am seeing so many things I need to improve upon, I really should make a list. There just are not enough hours in a day to do all I must accomplish. Even when my day begins at 5am. Maybe I could clone myself?

I want to be feeling more excited than I really do. I just can not muster it right now. I feel like a complete failure. I did not make my goal today. I did not even come close. Doom, defeat and despair... Guess it is fitting for a goth. only 17 tuned in to watch this afternoon's show. Maybe time of day plays a part in this? I will see how this evening's show goes. Hopefully will see a bigger turn out.

Need to try to find my happy before 7:30... Can't be all 'death to mankind,' now can I? Got about 3 hours to get back into the groove. Maybe some dinner and a break will bring me back...?


9/3/2014 7:21:54 AM


I will be doing my next show:

Wednesday 9/3/14 @ 1:30 & 7:30 pm Mountain Time


AbysmalAngel~ http://www.cam4.com/abysmalangel

9/2/2014 5:51:39 PM


OMG...OMG... breathe. I can't breathe. Can't catch a breath. Heart is racing. I feel like the sand in the timer is about to run out on me. Things just got a bit more serious in my world. The stakes were raised. Expectations mounting. I can't find any air. Is this really happening? Am I awake or dreaming this? Talk about sink or swim. The pressure feels like it is on me now.

I knew this day would come. I had a feeling it was on it's way... just surprised it was today. It is good to be put in a place where more is expected of you. It means you are thriving in your environment. I am glad to be seen as one who can be trusted to accomplish what has been set before me but, I am terrified!

I had hoped for more time. Time to ... ... sigh. The timing is right. I know it is. I am just scared. Barely a test flight and now it is fly or fall. Remember the tight rope analogy? The angled one. Now I am too far up the rope to risk a fall. A fall now, would hurt far more than I care to feel. My only option is to fly.

Faith. The power of belief. It is the most powerful force on earth. People who believe can do miraculous things. Can I do what feels impossible? I have to believe I can. I jumped already. The question is am I falling, or flying?


9/1/2014 3:24:04 PM



Wolves...


I find myself feeling dreamy. Is this real? I ask myself this over and over. Yes, it is very real. As I gain more exposure over this thing we call the internet, the wolves begin to circle what was once my quiet little safe haven. Some very clever. Some alluring. Good at what they do. They find me. Kindred souls. Drawn like moths to flames.

They know not what they toy with when they discover me. Not falling for their practiced glamouring. Ever the careful and wary soul, I play my own game with them. I know who I belong to. Soon they will too. Ohhh, fire burns inside me today.

A new wolf brought me this gift. A trespasser. What a wild fire it is. I want to dance like a goddess naked in the moonlight right now. Maybe an impromptu show? Hmm??? No. I want to hold this inside for now. A nourishing drink of life it is at a time when the big Kahuna leaves his things unattended. Hmm, is the old saying really true? Do the mice really play when the cat is away?

For now I hold my own. I bare my teeth, hiss and back the wolves down. Keeping them in line. Barely. This is a whole new animal out in this new world. Ravenous beasts nip at my heels. Having caught my scent they are more difficult to shake.

Many questions come to my mind. Am I secure enough to stand against them? I suppose that depends on whether or not I stand alone. I tread in new waters and feel in over my head at times. Though the thrill of it drives me on. I have tasted of something forbidden. I can not untaste this. The seed was planted and it grows. It will need continuing nourishment from the right source to keep growing into that which it will become. I beg of him guiding this to not let the waters get tainted. Do not let me get lost.

Left to fend for myself too much in these early stages it would be easy to be hurt. To be misled, by wolves good at the hunt. Wolves who sniffed new meat and paw at my door. Voracious, cunning... I am a small fish a bigger pond. Many possibilities lurk in the depths. Some grand, some frightening, some unknown. It is thrilling, exciting and scary. I can't go back though. Having had a taste I am hooked. What have I gotten myself into???

Please Lord tell me I am not out here in the deep all alone. Tell me you are with me... Tell me you are watching and have some plan. Right now I need to be in touch with you. I need to feel safe and protected. For the time being I draw my sword, pull in all my courage and blaze a new trail into things unknown. Treading where few dare. Chasing that which calls me in the darkness.Trusting instincts that speak from within. Trusting in your vision. Following. I leap in total faith, taking the full plunge. I let go and free fall knowing...


9/1/2014 12:12:07 PM



I will be doing my next show:

Wednesday 9/3/14 @ 1:30 pm Mountain Time

http://www.cam4.com/abysmalangel


8/30/2014 4:10:41 PM


Dear Diary

I did something so naughty. So filthy. I should be ashamed but, I am not. I am turned on. Incredibly so. This is a surprise really. Though I did spend most of my afternoon teasing myself for the pleasure of random viewers. Shakin' my money maker. Well it hasn't made any money yet. I have faith it will.

As I teased myself with toys, spanked myself with a crop and whip, and a special paddle... I felt amazing inside. Today I had 12 viewers at my peak. Up from 4 my first show. I plan to go on for a short time tonight and see if I can break this record. Maybe hit 20?!?! Hmm, Shoot for the stars, land on the moon. Shoot for the moon, land in the ocean. I will aim for 50 viewers tonight. All of you want to help me? Bring your friends I might just be so dirty it will blow your mind! Well you might blow a load, *giggle.* Or I might!

I can't help but wonder if my Dom tuned in at all today to watch his slut in training, working it. Incognito, I would not have known. I know a few good friends popped in, thank you! Kisses to those who showed some love today.

I wanted so badly today to have earned enough love to fuck myself with a toy. In my wet, teased horny little pussy. I offered up an anal view but did not get to do that yet either. Have to get enough tokens earned to do these things live on webcam for all my adoring fans! I am left so wanton, so horny. Now it is my goal to get to fuck myself on cam. I need you all to lend a hand! I cant do this til I make my token goal. No cookie til you eat your broccoli!

All that aside I am feeling so alive, adored, and excited. I enjoyed being a dirty girl, teasing horny watchers. I always did want to be in the spotlight. My dream was to be an erotic dancer. I got to live it for a short time on a real dance stage with real exotic dancers. I got to dance with a tiny beautiful Destiny to Rob Zombies, Living Dead Girl. The two of us improving a sexy dirty dance, climbing the poles, sliding down. Damn near kissing. So hot. I lived my dream.

Now I am living a new dream. I am following my heart. Odd to be called to be a slave girl. A sex slave girl. It is my calling. When I am in tune with it I feel such an inner peace. I feel so delightfully happy. It is what I have wanted to be since a small child. I dreamed of it. Now I am learning to walk it. One foot in front of the other, one step at a time. I hope some day to be an exquisite servant, trained to please, and obey. Trained to delight and capture the imaginations of those around me. I only hope to do my Dom honor by becoming what he has envisioned. I would have never found the courage to do this without him.


8/29/2014 2:29:02 PM


I'm Gonna Be A Star!

So Thursday was my first cam show. It went really well aside from some early technical problems. I really liked being on cam. Plan to do it often. Planning a new show this coming Saturday and possibly on the following Monday as well. Hope to see you all there!

I still have a hard time believing I am doing all this. How much time and influences have changed me. Hard to see any of the remnants of the frightened, shy little girl, I was not so very long ago. I am turning into a devious and dirty slut! I love it!

With all the excitement and setting up of this new venture, I have fallen behind on a few of my other tasks. I just realized I have not written my dirty story chapter of the week... Some picture requests have been delayed. Only so many hours in a day. Perhaps, I will yet have time to write my dirty story this weekend.

So much on my mind about this cam modeling. Ideas I can try. Times I can do shows. What I will wear. How far will I go? So much to consider. I think this has been a big step for me. I am really glad that I was given a push in this direction. Something I probably never would have done otherwise. Lots of things I probably never would have done. I look forward to the road ahead of me, and all the grand adventures in store. Who knows maybe someday, I will even be a star!


8/29/2014 2:08:01 PM


I will be doing my next show:

Saturday 8/30/14 @ 1:00 pm (Mountain Time Zone)


8/27/2014 6:29:40 PM

A Baby Porn Star

I spent the day looking into this cam thing. I am nervous, excited... a bit confused. I think of all the things I can do with this. I watched many girls on there today to get a good feel of what I should or should not do. I got so many ideas that I feel like a buzzing beehive of activity. I should sit down and organize them on virtual paper.

I think I would like to get started tomorrow actually. I have to do some shows to complete my approval process. I got butterflies in my belly. I think I might like this. Thinking on it, I have been doing it for free all this time in pictures anyways... may as well make some money for it!

I wonder how many of my adoring fans from here will follow me over there to see me in action! I can't wait to tease you all into a frenzy, muahahaha. Shoving things in my pussy, dancing dirty, oh yes this is for me! I think I am finally ready. So much has been leading up to this moment... Another big step for me along my journey to becoming the perfect slut. 

I plan to go live tomorrow! Hope to see you all there


8/27/2014 2:24:32 PM



 Update:

I am starting a new venture into the world of live sex cam! I have created an account at Cam4 (yes it is free, though tips will greatly appreciated). I can be found as AbysmalAngel~ http://www.cam4.com/abysmalangel
I will be sure to post my Debut show time here for all fans wishing to meet me there! If there are some things you think I should do on cam, be sure to let me know your kinky ideas! Hope to see you all there very soon.


 


8/26/2014 4:08:17 PM
Song of the day:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bl1AXYOseuY

8/26/2014 3:06:41 PM


Immortal Love

Passion's flame burns in the depths of her soul
White hot plumes rage beyond her control
The consuming love within she cannot tame
Your presence felt, she shall not be the same
All her life she has stood waiting for this
To surrender so completely to the vampire's kiss
You came and breathed new life into her heart
Will it withstand time or be cruelly ripped apart?
An angel's broken wing healed by your hand
Words her Master speaks are a slave's command
A night that surfaced so many fallen tears
A creature of darkness that holds all her fears
Desire gives way to temptations evil lust
Like sand in the desert her body turned to dust
Magic captures a heart bound by chains
A ripple of time cleanses a soul like rains
Eternity held no barriers to this love
A union granted of earth and heaven above

*copyright 2012*

8/26/2014 2:46:33 PM



TRANQUIL STREAMS


It has been a peaceful day today. Wild storm raging away outside, but I love it. The energy it brings is fantastic. Soothing. Love the smell of rain in the air. Desert rain to be more precise. That is my favorite smell of all time. My wind-chimes ringing in the breeze. I know I am alive in these moments.

Today felt much like floating in a tube down a mozying river. I like days like this. Felt nice to take it slow and let the day flow as it wanted to. Today I have another poem to share. This one I have had published. I think it captures something about the day.

MIDNIGHT HORIZON

I stand alone atop the mountain
Waiting for the storm to arrive
I raise my hands up to the heavens
And wait for the lightning to strike
A streak of light across the sky
An outer burst, and inward cry
My soul has been set free
The rain glides down my nudity
There I fall down in a heap
To embrace the solace of eternal sleep

*copyright 2004*


8/25/2014 2:51:48 PM





Greetings, hi, hello... Today I have writer's block. Let's see. I went to the grocery store. Got some cucumbers, and carrots. I came home and stuffed them in my holes like a dirty slut. Don't believe me? Just go look at my pics. I will wait. ... ... Did you look? See I told you so! I don't lie.

I had all 3 holes filled today with wholesome veggies. Ya, bet they ain't so wholesome now! *giggle* Dirty veggies seducing me like that on a Monday afternoon! What will the neighbors think? You know, I will never again be able to look at cucumbers and carrots the same. How will I ever buy them again and not laugh and snicker? Because I know what they are used for.

Will it make me wet now just to look at them? I know I will blush. I bet my ass tastes like carrot now. Or is it that the carrots now taste like ass? Hmm, suppose we could debate it all day. Though I got other stuff to do right now...

In news of my big task... I am seeking and seeking but alas, have yet to find what I need. I sing my Siren's song out into the vast world looking. What do I seek? I will tell you. I seek a girl. More specifically a subbie girl to train. I am to train her to please my Dom with me. For now she eludes me. Fear not though, for I will not stop looking until I find her. My perfect sister slave...


8/24/2014 2:00:53 PM


My Song of the Day

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2wyL1NtMVPo

8/24/2014 12:55:19 PM


Through the sands of time...

Amazing what some R&R can do for a person. Feeling relaxed, peaceful, restored. Downright Zen! Yes Zen. I can breathe again. Spent some time with my plants this weekend. Plants are calming I think. Brought in some big juicy home grown tomatoes today too! Yummy, yummy. They are so sweet.

I had some time to clear my thoughts, to organize what had become a bit of chaos. Last week I bit off more than I could chew I think. This week I will not let that happen again. I have learned though. That is the most important part. The learning. Most important rule I follow is "Know thyself." I am definitely learning what I am made of as of late.

In spite of a hard day now and then, this journey has been good for me. I am down by 15 pounds. Only 5 more to go! I have been happier and more productive. Life feels worth living again.

The height of my desire knows no bounds lately. Feeling so horny and wanton all the time. Like a cat in heat, writhing and rolling. No amount of touching myself is helping. I am truly insatiable. A succubus devouring sexual energy like it was chocolate pie. Oh, now I want pie. :(

This new path has gone so deeply into my subconscious, that I am even dreaming about picture requests. Trying to snap this pic or that and it was just coming out all blurry. It all has great and profound affects on me.

I am beginning to think more submissively. This in turn, makes me feel more submissive. I am astonished really at how much of a difference I notice. I like it very much.

I could not have done this all on my own. I have to give credit to the Dom who is bringing this all about in me. He gives me the push I need, the motivation to keep trying. Because of him I want to be even better. I strive to become more than I was. To be all that I am. I have a happiness that glows from inside of me. A ray of light in a world that had grown dark around me.

Some of you have questioned his methods recently. I do not. I see the fruit his efforts are bearing, and the fruit is good. I like what I see looking back at me in the mirror. I like that my favorite clothes fit again. I like that I am singing and growing and becoming... To me it is more precious than gold, or gems. To me it all feels right. Exactly what I need.

I am grateful for such gifts. For so long I searched for this. Craved it, called for it, begged and pleaded. Now all I sought is within my grasp. I clutch it close to my chest. Don't ever want to let it go. So few understand. It does not matter. I do. I see what I need to see. I have found what I needed to find.

I no longer care if anyone else approves or not. If I please him, and he enjoys me in his life, then I am happy and fulfilled. I have not felt so fulfilled in a very long time. If I must do silly things, to feel like this... If I must be nude for all to see, to feel like this... If I must bare all and kneel face down in the dirt in front of thousands, to feel like this. Then it is all worth it to me. Even if I am the only one.

For I have sought high and low, near and far, time and space for this feeling. I have sold my very soul for this feeling... Now that I have it, now that I hold it in my hands. It has become most valuable to me. Something worth fighting for. Something worth surrendering for. Something worth pouring all of myself into, blood, sweat, tears, laughter, joy, passion and desire... everything.

It has not come easy. Eluding me for many long years. No one is going to take it from me. No one can tell me it is wrong. Not when I feel like I am soaring in the heavens, not when I feel this protective. Not when it is doing so much good in my life. Not when I have been lifted from the muck, cleaned off and made to shine like new again. Not one of you out there did that for me. Not one of you out there. Only He did. Him who I serve faithfully, loyally.

I owe him much.


8/22/2014 7:16:29 AM


A Follow Up... In the life of a slave

It is early in the morning yet and I have already received several responses to last night's post. First, thank you to all of you who are following my journey, step by step. I appreciate your concerns and caring opinions.

I am going to ask right now as nicely as I can. Please, Do not bring your anger to my doorstep. I do not need that. If you have questions, comments or concerns, I am happy to talk with you and explain the history behind what I share, always. All you have to do is ask me. I am open and honest and will talk with you about it.

If you come to me angry at me or my Dominant, you will be met in kind. If you have strong opinions and think this or that is being done wrong or is damaging, take it up with the man in charge please. Dominant to Dominant. Take your brave words to him. As a slave in his service, I will defend him. Viciously, if I must.

I would like you all to know something. I chose this. I continue to choose it everyday. It is my journey. I do not expect every day to be a rose garden. There are days as a slave, I am asked to do things I don't want to do. Or don't understand why I am being asked. Maybe just to prove how loyal or willing I really am. I am committed to obeying them. At any time, I am free to walk away, if I no longer feel this is right for me. I am not held against my will.

I am a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve. I feel what I feel in the moment. I feel it intensely and fully. The moment may pass and clarity can be restored. I share it here because I want to show a glimpse of the life a slave. I want to share my thoughts for many reasons. It helps me to write them out. Just because I had a hard day, does not mean I am giving up, or being mistreated. I had a hard day. I shared it because I am honest.

Today is a new day, with new adventures to discover. I pick myself up out of the dirt and put one foot in front of the other. Moving forward. Rising above. I may fall off the horse sometimes. I may get bucked right off. Today, I choose again to get back on the horse. My journey continues. Thank you all for your words of inspiration and encouragement. Blessings

~slave shaquaela
His
bai nu


8/21/2014 9:43:34 PM
Though none go with me, I still will follow... no turning back.

8/21/2014 8:32:26 PM


Today I feel ready to fall to pieces. I have had so much thrown at me so fast. I try to roll with it all. I try to rise to the challenges presented to me. I try to take it all in stride. However, today, the little girl in me just wants to cry. It all looks impossible at this moment in time. My flight response is in high gear. I am freaking out a little bit. How, how am I going to do all that is asked of me?

I cry like a little baby. Doubt creeps in. I have been left without guidance for much of the week and am crumbling under the pressure. The flood gates now open, I can no longer hold back the waters from spilling down my cheeks.

Today's picture assignments and requests were hard on me. Bringing things to the surface I did not expect. They left me feeling... ... ... I search but, can not find the words. Maybe overwhelmed is most accurate. I don't feel ready for all that is laid out before me. I have little clue how to even proceed. I can not stop my tears tonight. They pour like rains from the heavens.

I am tempted to go completely AWOL. I need to hide. I need comfort. There is none of that now. Scared, frantic, weary and tired. Today the road has been most long. I scream inside myself. I fall to the floor on my knees and sob into my hands. I am not a creature who can be on her own for very long.

My body aches, and my spirit breaks. My mind is weary, my focus lost. The goals out of reach. The house of cards comes tumbling down. How am I going to do this? How? I need more hours in a day. They slip away so fast. I barely have a moment to think. I can't find the air. I choke. Water rushes in over my head, sweeping me under with it's current. All fades to black.

I head to my bed exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally... I dread the coming of a new day. More piled on what I can not even finish from the day before it. I am one person with only two small hands. I have been used to a life of easy comfort and few demands. Until most recently. Now I have more than I can handle. I know I will cry myself to sleep tonight... for I can not make them stop. All feels lost.


8/21/2014 5:06:02 PM


Slave Market (continued/Pt. 2)



Sara was awakened by being dragged out of the tent by her arms, over her head, already bound at the wrists by rope. "Master what are you doing?" Sara asked frightened by his roughness as he drug her out into the dirt. He did not answer her.

When Kain had her free of the tent, he dropped her hands. This gave Sara a chance to sit up. She struggled to a sitting position and turned herself to look at her master. Her wrists were tightly bound together making it very difficult. She puffed some air out of her lips to blow a piece of hair from her face.

Sara watched as her master put together a wooden frame. To her it looked like a free standing, extra-wide door frame. Though it had eye hooks screwed into the insides of it. The looks of this contraption made her nervous. "What is that for?" Sara asked with real fear in her voice. Kain did not answer her or even look at her. He simply went about the task of assembling his frame. He began to whistle to himself to show her he was not going to answer her.

Sara sat dismayed, and fretting. Listening to him whistle grated on her nerves. Suddenly nature called to her. "Uh, I have to go pee. Could you unbind me so I could relieve myself in the bushes over there please..." She waited for a reply uncomfortably.

The whistling stopped. Kain turned from the task at hand to look at his slave bound, naked sitting in the dirt. He smiled at the thought of what he was about to do to her. He looked her up and down. " Your feet are not bound. You may go pee in the bushes over there," He pointed in a direction. "Then come right back." He then turned back to his task and whistling.

Sara sighed in exasperation. She could not wait much longer. She struggled to her feet, hands still bound in front of her. Once standing she walked out to the outskirts of camp and squatted behind a shrub of some kind. She felt vulnerable, open. She closed her eyes and tried to relax. Finally she found her relief and went back into the campsite.

The frame, she could see, was now assembled and stood about eight feet tall. It looked foreboding there in the middle of the wilderness. She shivered at the thoughts running through her head of what it might be for. Maybe he was going to hang a deer he hunted from it or something, she thought.

Kain's voice broke into her thoughts. He was speaking in his language again. It irritated her now that she knew he could speak English to her. She looked in his direction, still standing in the middle of camp. He was motioning for her to come to him. He was speaking but, she did not understand any of his words. She pretended not to notice. Two can play this game, she thought deviously. She turned around so her back was to him and pretended to be preoccupied with some bugs on the ground.

A hand suddenly in her hair brought her to full attention. Kain's hand had a fistful of it. He yanked her along behind him as he led her to his wooden frame. He was speaking rapidly to her, more words she did not understand. Though his tone told her he was pissed. Sara whimpered at her master's forcefulness; being dragged along by her hair, her feet stumbling along with his hurried pace. Maybe she had crossed a line?

Regret was filling her now as he centered her underneath his frame and began tying her hands to the eye hook above her head. "Look, I am sorry, Master. Can't we work this out?" Sara pleaded fearfully. She could feel his anger emanating off him. He did not answer her.

Her hands secured, Kain began to tie one of her ankles to the bottom of the frame, looping his rope through the eye hook. That one Knotted in place he secured her other foot to the opposite side in the same fashion. Her legs now held open, arms above her head. Kain took a step back to admire his work, ignoring her continuing pleas of distress. A wicked smile spread across his face as he watched her struggling against her bindings. The fear in her eyes arousing him.

Sara looked on helplessly as her master smiled wickedly at her. She felt like prey. She watched as he turned and headed for the wagon a short distance away. Tears falling down her cheeks. She could see he rummaged around a bit and was returning with a whip in his hand. It looked like a cat of nine tails, she thought. She began to try desperately to free herself. Pulling hard on the ropes that held her. She could not escape. Panic rose up inside her. She watched him give the whip a few warm up swings. He cracked it. Sara jumped at the loud sound. She thought he looked like he was enjoying this far too much.

"Please Master, don't do this..." Sara begged, crying. "I did nothing bad." She continued as he got closer and closer. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a cloth gag. Sara clamped her mouth shut tightly, and shook her head no. Begging him with her eyes. He only smiled and stepped around behind her pulling the cloth hard over her mouth. The cloth pressed against her lips painfully but, she would not open her mouth for that dirty looking cloth. "Open your mouth, whore" Kain commanded her firmly doing his best to force it in her mouth.

Oh, so now he speaks English again? Sara thought haughtily to herself. The pain of the cloth bearing down on her lips growing too intense to resist. Finally she could fight no longer and Kain got the gag tied around her head tightly.

Sara hung her head in loathsome defeat. She was going to be whipped and there was nothing she could about it. Kain came back into her line of sight. He admired her from the front for a few seconds before tossing the whip at her tits. Brushing them lightly. Building her fear and anticipation.

Sara pulled her head back out of the way as the tails came sailing towards her. She flinched instinctively as the tails hit her breasts. Her master laughed and then disappeared behind her. She tried to twist her head around to see what he might be doing back there. "Face front." He commanded sternly. Sara did as she was told afraid to evoke more anger from him. She closed her eyes, knowing the sting of those tails would come but, when?

Kain stood behind his fucktoy, letting her stew. Admiring her naked form tied spread eagle. Arms over her head. Body slightly stretched. He could hear her soft little whimpers of despair. It turned him on to see her like this. Helpless and begging. He was going to enjoy this. Especially now that she had been rude and ignored him earlier. He would show her who was boss. He would teach her, her place. When he was finished, all doubt would be erased from her mind, that he was her master. He positioned himself just right and waited for just the right moment to strike.

Sara wanted to know so badly what this man was doing behind her. Why was he waiting so long? Had he gone away? She listened, afraid to look back again. Her hands began to tingle, held high over her head. She whimpered into her gag. Suddenly a sting across her back sent her to her toes. She screamed out in shock and pain, muffled by her gag. Her breath seemed to have left her. She stood still, stunned for a moment. It felt to her like eternity.

Just as her breath came flooding back to her, another strike made it's mark on her back. Fuck it hurt! her mind was screaming. She braced for another but, none came. She caught her breath. Tears streaming down her cheeks. The gag growing wet with her saliva.

Again she felt the tails strike her. This time three blows came in rapid succession, criss-crossing over her back. She cried out in agony, straining against her restraints. Arching her back in an attempt to flee the source of pain. What had she done to deserve this? she wondered. She thought of the time she stole gum from the candy store when she was only 5 years old. Could this be why fate was punishing her so cruelly now?

As more caresses of the whip fell upon her, kissing her skin with each of it's nine leather tails, Sara began to feel foggy in her head. Dizzy, almost drunk. They began to fall in a thud against her. Numbing her. The bite no longer felt but, now it was the beating of a drum in her mind. Primal and alluring, calling her to the depths of her own soul.

Kain lashed his slave hard. He wanted her to never forget this day. He wanted it seared in her memory for all of time. For her to see him always with whip in hand breaking her. For her to know this from this day on that she was owned property. His property. His arousal was now pressing hard against his pants. He watched as her head began to roll back and knew she had reached where he wanted her to be.

He walked up behind her and put his hands over the welts rising on her back. The heat from her flesh warming his hands. He had been careful to make sure he did not cut her skin with his whip. He did not want to scar her beautiful body. He grabbed her hair in his hand and tossed her head a little, this way and that. It moved easily in his grasp. The fight had left her.

Pleased with his work, Kain slid a finger from his other hand into her very wet pussy. So, she had liked it. He made a mental note. She offered him no resistance. He slid his finger out. She was so wet. He unzipped his pants and freed his cock. He plunged it into her wet, sloppy pussy. Fucking her hard. Taking what was now his. Owning her. He pounded his hips against her thrusting deeply into her warm cave. Her little moans and whimpers driving him on.

He smacked her on the ass hard. "Come on bitch, wake up, put your back into it." He ordered. He felt her press hard against him as she arched her back. Begging him for more with her body. "Better..." he praised and pulled her hair back, pressing her butt downward onto himself with his other hand. Her loudening cries telling him she was close to orgasm.

Suddenly he pulled his cock out of her pussy and pushed it into her ass firmly but gently. Her wetness providing plenty of lube. Sara moaned like a bitch in heat. Grabbing her hips with both his hands, Kain began to fuck her in her ass. Harder and harder he took her. Raping her ass.

Sara cried out in agonizing bliss, whimpering and panting. Having no choice but to take it. Learning that pain and pleasure are evil twin sisters. She felt him pumping her hard with his cock, making her blur the lines of bliss and anguish. She had never felt like this before. Owned. She knew in that moment that she was his. He would so to her as he wished. The thought aroused her and drover her over the edge. Her climax taking her in waves. Her ass muscles milking her master's cock.

Kain felt her muscles tighten around his cock. He released his seed into her ass, riding the orgasmic waves. Filling her with his cum. Taking a knife from his belt he released the blade and cut her hands free. She fell to her knees, ankles still held by the wood frame.

Kain came around to face her and taking her by her head, shoved his cock into her mouth. "That's right slut, lick me all clean now." He said kindly to her, though his hands held her firmly against him as she gagged on his cock that had been in her own ass. He began to hump her face forcing himself in and out of her mouth. The slave girl tried to push away. He pressed her face into his body cutting off her air, holding her face over his cock. "Lick it clean" Kain said to her firmly.

Sara wrapped her lips around her master's cock and began to suck herself off of him. To her relief he released her, letting her breathe again. "Good girl." She heard him say as she bobbed her head back and forth.

Finally he pulled himself from her mouth and forced her head to the ground at his feet, causing Sara's face to be in the dirt. Her ass up in the air, legs spread wide. "Who owns you whore?" Kain asked her harshly. "Who is your Master?"

Sara spit dirt from her sticky wet mouth so she could answer. "You own me Maaster." She replied. "Good girl." Kain said releasing her head. He released her ankles from his frame and then brought her some water. "Drink." he said plainly. Sara took the water and drank it greedily, washing the taste of her body from her mouth. "Thank you Master." She said after her thirst had been quenched. She knew she would never be the same. She was a slave now and somehow it felt good.


8/20/2014 2:54:21 PM

Oath of a slave

I had posted this once before long ago. I thought it was time to post it anew.

My Lord, my King, I give myself to thee
All that I am or ever could be
I kneel before you a humble slave
Allow you to dictate how I shall behave
My Lord, my King I give you everything
My breath, my voice even the life I bring
This body I submit unto your control
Take hold of my heart, yes, even my soul
My Lord, my King, forever I shall obey you
My will I surrender and all I've held on to
This life now yours, bend me to your desires
Please light within me slave passion fires

Copyright 2014


8/20/2014 2:16:26 PM



... ... ... Most days I am made to wear a dildo in my ass for an hour. Today I had to wear one in my pussy too. Both holes filled. It made me feel so filthy and dirty. It made me so horny and wet. Making me ache to be touched. It hurt a little too.

Today I am feeling out of sorts. I counted a total of 59 mosquito bites on me from yesterday's outdoor adventure. Each one burning like a droplet of hot wax that won't cool. Itching. I feel tired and sad a little right now. Left to my own devices for the rest of the day.

I am supposed to be learning a new language. I learned a new phrase today. Gan wo... It means -fuck me- in Chinese. Guess that is something every slut should know how to say... Fuck me. Gan wo Zhu Nun...

My brain hurts. My body hurts. Climbing trees made me sore... At least no ants bit me!!! yay! Yet, even in pain, my soul soars...All of it was worth it to capture the images I did. All of it was worth it for him. It is because of him I do all of this. To have but a second of his time. To know he is pleased. Every message makes my heart sing.

Though, on the other side of the coin... Every moment of aching silence, makes me anxious. I suppose it only makes the next time I get his attention, that much sweeter. I want it all the time. I am learning we sluts do not always get what we want, when we want it. That just makes me want it all the more.

Maybe a nap will make the time pass faster. Though, I think of all I have to do. I just can't keep any focus. I should be looking into Cam4... I should be looking to complete phase one of my big task. Learn Chinese... My translator tool on my PC is not teaching the right dialect either... Tears of frustration roll quietly down my cheeks.

I get told by Doms all the time how easy it is to be a slave/sub. I think those who say that have never tried it. IT is not easy. I stress lots over whether or not I am doing this right, or that right. If I get it wrong I get punished. No 'off with a warning' for this slut. Punishment is not fun like play either. I have had some men tell me 'cam with me and get punished later...' HA HA HA no fucking way! Sure I will, if you take my beating for me, the agonizing hours of silent treatment after... But, no it does not work out that way does it?

My tummy rumbles, I forgot to eat today. Suppose I should find something. A shout out to all who have loved my page! Thank you. You all keep me inspired and encouraged when the road feels long! Couldn't do it without all of my adoring fans. Takes a village to raise a slut, ya know. ;) Tata


8/20/2014 12:40:50 PM

OWNED

He came to her swiftly in the night

Grabbed her by the hand, held her tight

Tortured was her soul left so hollow

Where he leads, now she must follow

Called now by words, solely his commands

Eager she fulfills his demands

In his presence time does not exist

Strong and coaxing his will persists

A flame of passion now burns alive

Only for his pleasure she strives

A slave on strings dancing at his whim

On her knees she falls before him

Desire consumes her deep inside

There's nothing left for her to hide

Serene and naked before this man

Open and free, she knows she can

His mark seared deeply beneath her skin

Revealing all that lies within

Heart and body severely captured

Imprisoned soul now finds rapture

Owned at last by one who is divine

Words that echo “you are mine”

*Copyright 2014*


8/19/2014 3:41:18 PM


Oh, Dear Diary,

Today I went outside and made a dirty whore of myself. It was fun. The mosquitoes were relentless though! I was eaten alive. pout not in a fun way but, by bugs. I took over 1,000 pics today and 5 video clips. Only the best got posted here for all to see.

Today I want you all to know I fucked myself with sand on my dildo! OW. Lol. I had sand in my teeth and in my crack... I did have a blast though even if I had to throw a temper tantrum when I had 9 bugs biting me at one time. I should not mention the ants. I hate ants. Though today they were not my problem... Blood sucking mosquitoes were. UGH! I did have a tantrum too. Like a 5 year old. No pain no gain right?

I pondered much in my secret paradise today. I was so horny too. I fucked myself 5 times out there. Once in the river. Twice on my blanket. Two more times at the tree, videos posted for viewing pleasure. Still I am not satisfied. I need to be fucked more. I want more. I just have to have more....

I was left alone to my own devices today. Not sure what I thought of it really. A thunderstorm followed me home on my half hour walk in 90 degree mile high sun. Clouds blooming up. Thunder is echoing across the sky this afternoon. I just love it. What a day it has been. I got to be a wild girl and frolic naked in the woods. My dirty secret. Well now you all know...

I am content and feel I accomplished much. Just wish I had not had to do it all alone. There were workmen at the building nearby. At one point when I was fucking myself against a tree I thought some were getting close, hearing me scream... My video reflects it. I could be caught at any moment out there, naked as the day I was born. I have been lucky so far and not been seen.

I also saw a katydid just coming out of it's metamorphosis today, glistening in the sun's rays. I thought of myself in recent days. Going through my own metamorphosis. The sun ray's smiling down on me from heaven. A fairy nymph frolicking in the woods. I will let the pics I posted do most of the talking. I am all worn out and need a shower. Thanks for taking my journey with me. Til next time Diary...

Oh, wait I have a secret. It is a marvelous one. I so want to share it with you. I think I better just keep it in my pocket for now... buh-bye


8/18/2014 3:17:02 PM

HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY


Once again my happy self! I got to do some interesting photos today and explore a bit of something I swore I would never in a million years do. I will let the photo journal speak for it's self here.

Spent pretty much the entire day taking and posting pictures. More time consuming than one might think. Today though it was suggested I look into doing live cam for real money. I ponder it deeply. If I do cam I may have to end the picture game, as I barely have enough time in one day to all that is required of me. I do have to say it keeps this dirty slut out of trouble. If I weren't busy trouble would find me.

I thought more on the girl's profile journal that I read yesterday. Some things have stuck in my mind. Some things I did not expect to stick. Who am I? I am surprising even myself in this journey. I have to wonder what will I be doing next? I am not speaking any of my thoughts out loud to give all you pervs ideas :P none of you need any help making me do dirty and yet somehow beautiful things.

I am finding that I feel more sexual, and sensual in doing these delightful and often challenging poses. Makes me so wanton. Filled with desire. I want my holes filled like all good sluts get. My little brains fucked out of me. I touch myself just thinking about it. So wet.

I try to be more like my new slut idol. I try to let out that part of me because she wants to come out and play so badly. I start to feel as if the girl I have come to idolize is leaps and bounds ahead of me. Though she has not had the challenge of doing all this to herself at another's command. So maybe I have an edge there.

Having tortuous things done to you is not so difficult as doing the torture to yourself and measuring up to your Doms standards. Brings the age old question of 'Why you hitting yourself,' to a whole new meaning. I still have a hard time believing one has come along who has gotten me to do such things. Not but a couple weeks ago, I scoffed at one and said, I would never punish myself for someone else. Certainly not leave marks. I have eaten my own words once again.

I like feeling like my Dom is smarter than me. Two steps ahead of me and meeting me at every turn. He keeps me on my toes. I don't have to do any of this. He couldn't force me, since we live in different states. Our connection exists only over long distance. Yet, I find it makes no matter. I still do as he tells me because, something in him makes me want to. Something I can not see as much as I feel.

As today draws to a close I find myself feeling warm and fuzzy inside. I wear a smile like I have a special treasure in my pocket. Tired from the day's adventures and activities but, with a sense of accomplishment. I am grateful for my new found purpose. I like who I am becoming. I hope it never ends because, I want more...


8/17/2014 1:56:26 PM



Feeling low energy today. Tired and cranky. Guess it is just one of those days. I have been studying some of the girls here today. One I am finding very interesting, reading her writings about her life. Reading hers makes me feel so spoiled. Like a worshiped cat of Egypt. I am so grateful to not have a Master like hers. I don't think I could handle going through what she does. Maybe in the right hands.

Though reading some of what this girl wrote made me think of all that is out there. All the different ways to submit, to be slave. I have been so sheltered. So pampered. Am I one of the lucky ones? Or, am I missing the party? I can not decide.

Today the goal seems far off, so distant. I keep asking, why am I doing this again? Those welts I posted a pic of on Friday, have become bruises. Not intentional... but, there ya go. I thought to post a pic and share but, have not had the energy or motivation.

Today I feel laden, heavy and burdened. I fight the feeling of a nap coming on. I have too much to do to nap. Tears well up in my eyes as I reflect on things of the week gone by. Today officially marks a new week, time I guess, to put the past behind me. Time to put on my big girl panties and push forward. Oh, I can't forget my shit kicker boots!

Today the glamour of it all feels lost. The enamored feeling fades from me in my solitude. I am left alone with just my thoughts. Thunder rolls in the heavens outside my window as if responding to my brooding mood alone. I would taunt the lightning to strike me on a day such as this one.

To be touched by the Gods. Maybe I would get lucky and it would end me. Maybe it would give me cool abilities? Maybe my life would flash before my eyes and I could once again see the hand in front of my face.

I scream and thrash in the sands, in utter frustration. I wail as a banshee beneath a new moon. I raise my head and howl up at the black sky, the wolf within wanting to be freed. Ever the Lion pacing in it's cage. I ponder things deeply and completely. I test for weakness. I lunge at those who poke at me with sticks. I bare my teeth and let out a mighty roar.

Today there is no crack of the whip to tame or quiet it. Today there are no firery hoops to jump through. I roar again, just because I can. No Lion Tamer to hush me. No crowds to please. The thunder claps loudly outside my window giving me a start, answering my roars from within. The wild beast rages with trainer absent. Reverting back to it's natural state. So quickly. It begs the question, can a lion ever truly be tamed?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mg6DTYc-hgs


8/16/2014 3:01:09 PM


Dear Sir,

Today I write directly to you. I write humbly and sincerely. I write to offer my deepest gratitude. I am learning much under your guidance and direction. For a time I wandered lost. The hum drum of day to day life blurring time and space. I feel as though you reached into the ashes that I had become and are rebuilding something beautiful.

This could not be if you had not found me and taken me under your wing. Restoring purpose to each new day. Building something worthy to be called slave. I can not wait each day to kneel at your feet and find out what new lesson you will teach. What instructions you wish to give. The gifts you have given to me are priceless as well as timeless. Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he will not go hungry again.

In the tasks I am given, I learn a little something new. I do the task, some are fun. Some are a challenge, some make me mad as hell...lol. The skills I learn and take away, I will keep forever.

I do my very best to learn the lessons you teach, and become what you are shaping me to be. Some day I hope to repay your work with me, by being a masterpiece and work of human living art. Shaped by your hands and dedication. Thank you seems so very inadequate. For now, I can only do you honor by being a good student, following your commands and trusting. There is nowhere I would be afraid to go, if you are with me.

With adoration and devotion,
kneeing before you
a slave in training
bai nu

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZkQQU_U48WU


8/15/2014 3:13:35 PM

SILENT TEARS
 
An angel falls down from so high in the sky
Without her wings to hold her she is doomed to die
Taken away is her Master's sweet cherished love
On the ground she lies broken, a wounded dove
Ravished and torn is she from so deep inside
Ripped and clawed the beast devours from soul to hide
Inconsolable are her many silent tears
Locked in mental prison for so many years
Her thoughts compare to bars holding her so tight
She screams and she hollers into the cold dark night
Laughter answers her from shadows in the darkness
A punishment given in all it's harshness
As the whip falls against her bare naked skin
Redemption is discovered, transformed from her sin

copyright reserved

8/14/2014 2:54:56 PM

Odyssey



It was a fun day today. This week is the first time I have ever done candle play with myself. It was very interesting. I should not have waited so long! Haha. Next thing you know I will be doing self bondage and maybe even some self suspension! Laughs heartily I kid of course. Though, maybe, hmm

I am enjoying these picture challenges much more than I originally thought I would. The challenge of creating the images has been wild! I finally learned my camera has a timer!!! yay! Will make some requests a bit simpler and less frustrating. I can't wait to see how the future pictures evolve.

I looked back over some of my first few posted here and look at some of the complexity that has come into play since those early days. The self portrait is an art. Well it can be I am learning. As I get in better shape, I am liking how the pictures turn out more and more. A shout out to all of you who play my pose game with me! Thank you!

My newest task, the secret one, has me feeling a bit tired. Though it is truly something I look forward to completing. The first phase, is a crucial one but, so tedious at times. I am a bit terrified of what comes when I complete phase one and then have to move into the next step! Though the more I think on it, the more I can begin to picture it.

Still in it's infancy, I feel insecure a bit. Excited yes, oh my, there are not words to capture it. However, the task at hand is not one to be taken lightly. I have already made a few small mistakes. Not such a big deal now... soon though mistakes could be much more costly. I feel like I am walking a tight rope sometimes. This one rests on a gradual incline. At first falling off a few inches from the ground, no big thing. As you walk up the rope steadily, soon you look down and a fall could be rather dangerous.

Right now I am only a few inches off the ground. Baby steps I keep telling myself. Baby steps. Rome was not built in a single day. Though it did eventually grow out of it's infancy and so shall I. I suppose some fear is a good thing. It will keep me more focused and careful.

I just can not turn my smile off lately. Not that I want to, mind you. It just feels so nice to be heading in the direction I have wanted to go for so very long. This pursuit to become the perfect, willing slave began at only 6 yrs old. So for me it has been a long and arduous journey. An Odyssey if you will. And, it's not over yet! I look forward to the future of this path with bright eyes and a trusting heart. I am following the path of my soul and living a dream most could never imagine.


8/13/2014 4:37:02 PM

SLAVE MARKET

"Here's what we got my Liege..." A burly, ugly man stated. Kain looked at the man in disgust and then turned his attention to the wares he was offering. He walked away from the stenchy, slaver and focused on the girls locked in cages in front of him.

Kain walked slowly by each one scrutinizing each newly caught slave. Three girls per cage seemed to be the going theme. Some looked so frightened. Others mad as all hell. Some tried desperately to cover their nakedness as he peered at them behind the bars.

"How long you had these here." Kain said looking at some scrawny dehydrated looking girls cowering in a huddle in their cage. The slaver put on his best sales voice "Why, they just arrived today, Sire." he flashed a smile at the king. Kain kept moving down the line. The girls had messy hair and were smudged with dirt. They looked hungry and thirsty. As he got to the end of the line he saw none that caught his eye. He started to leave the merchant's block.

"See anything you like Sire?" the ugly man asked, seeing his king leaving empty handed. Kain frowned and replied, without looking back, "If this is all you got, then no. I am uninterested today leech. Thanks though, I think I will be on my way now." He started towards his horse drawn wagon disappointed. "Sire, wait. I might have something more. I saved her aside because she fights with the others and is not ready for sale yet. But... Maybe you like 'em spunky, eh?" the man raised his eyebrow waiting to see if the king would stay and see his hidden treasure.

Kain stopped. his interest piqued by the new offer. "Holding out on your king Leech?" Kain said sharply, sneering at the dumpy looking man. "Well let's have a look at her then?" he added impatiently.

Leech led Kain past all the other merchants in the market to his tent at the campsite just beyond the market square. In the shade of a tree was a lone woman, naked in a cage. She was also chained inside her locked cage. She had fair skin, and light golden, honey kissed hair. Kain moved up closer for a better look. "There she is Sire, the feisty one." the slaver beamed with pride at his special catch.

The king walked around the parameters of the beautiful woman's cage. "Why is she chained inside a locked cage?" Kain asked the merchant. He could not take his eyes off her. She was stunning and not nearly as dirty as the others he had seen in the marketplace.

Leech lumbered up beside Kain and said simply "She escapes." He scratched his head as if baffled. "Has she been used by you or your men?" Kain asked the slaver. "No, she injured three of my men when they tried to take her. Kicked one in the groin so hard I doubt he will be thinking of women for a while. Like I said, this one is feisty. I can give ya good deal on her... if you want her" The merchant tempted.

The woman in the cage looked at the men ogling her. She could not understand a word of what they were saying. She imagined they were discussing her price. She looked at the man she had never seen before. He was well dressed and looked clean. She could smell his aftershave. So much nicer than the stinking oaf who kept her now.

The well dressed man's eyes looked stern, but kind too and he had a handsome face. He also had nice hands she noticed. She loved men's hands. So much larger than her own. She watched them as they talked business and peered at her. Sitting against the bars of her cage.

Suddenly an idea struck her. Maybe this man would take her home? Maybe she could entice him to buy her! He had to have a nice home, better than this cage and bucket for a toilet. The woman smoothed her hair as best she could and stood up, her ankle chain rattling as she did so. Both men were now watching her intently, their talk halted.

She began to sway her hips seductively facing the men, giving them a full frontal view of her nudity. She leaned forward and gripped the bars above her head. She began to dance erotically, thrusting her hips at them and pulling them back. Arching her back and moving sexily, hypnotizing them. She swayed side to side and tried to act like every pole dancer she ever saw. She danced at the men with all her heart to a song playing in her head.

She batted her eyes flirtatiously at the well dressed man hoping to convince him, to want her. If she had to be a slave, she wanted to be His slave. She was not yet sure why but, felt drawn to his calm demeanor and stoic expression. She felt like he would be good to her at least. The song in her head was reaching it's finale... she poured her soul into her erotic dance climbing up the bars a little, spreading her legs at them. She turned quickly around waiving her ass seductively, rubbing it against the bars, her ass cheeks popping through a little. She watched their reaction over her shoulder.

As her song reached it's end. she turned to face them, took a bow and dropped to her knees facing the men. Her legs wide apart. The men watched her little show in utter disbelief of what they had just witnessed. The woman watched as a smile crept over the handsome man's face. Had she done it? Had she won him over? She remained kneeling looking as pretty as she could. The men returned to talking. This time it sounded much more exciting than before. She wished she understood what they were saying. She held a pleasant smile on her face, hopeful.

Kain had watched this woman dancing in her prison, in chains. Such a beautiful sight he had never seen before. Certainly not from a newly caught, untrained slave girl. He approached her cage, close enough to touch her. Leech's voice cautioned from behind him "This one bites, I would not touch her if I was you." then he snorted, looking at his own wounded hand. Teeth marks still fresh.

Kain ignored the man's warning and reached through the bar touching her bent knee. Her skin felt so soft. He watched her eyes to see her reaction. She gasped softly, but did not move from her position. Her eyes lowering instinctively. He thought he saw her blushing. He slid his hand up along her thigh, towards her very vulnerably exposed pussy. Her mouth opened slightly and her breathing quickened.He paused just before touching her sex. Still she remained still, looking down and smiling shyly.

Kain moved his hand and with a swift, fluid movement, inserted two of his large fingers into her wet silken folds. A whimper escaped her lips as she let her head fall back.

The slave girl was caught by surprise as the man stuffed his fingers into her. It felt amazing. Sparks inside her lit fires. Fires in her nether region. Yes she wanted to go home with Him! She thrust her hips into his fingers and began to fuck herself on his fingers. Begging him universally for what she wanted most in this very moment.

She watched as the king's smile turned seductive. He said something to her. She could not understand his language. She tried to read his expression while she fucked herself on his two fingers still inside her. He just stood there letting her, looking amused for a moment.

Suddenly he withdrew his fingers and turned to the slaver talking rapidly. She whimpered in protest as her pleasure toy was removed. He had felt good and she wanted to feel even more. She suddenly screamed to the man as she saw him walking away back the way they had come. "Wait I want to go with you!" She shouted. The man jogged back to her. She stood leaning into the bars. She looked him in the eyes. "I want to go with you, please take me with you." she begged tears welling up in her eyes.

Kain heard her pleading tone and voice.He saw her tears about to fall. He knew she could not understand what he said to her but he said it anyways. He told her he would be right back and not to worry. Then he shoved the fingers that he had inside her, into her mouth, letting her taste herself. He patted her face softly and left her to follow the merchant.

The woman did not know what that man had said to her but, it felt romantic. Her mouth tasted of her own pussy and his fingers. She watched the men disappear from view and began to scream at the top of her lungs. How could he just leave her here with these monsters? She wanted to go with him. The tears fell down her cheeks as her hopes sank.

She sank to the floor of her cage and began to sob, thinking her chances of leaving this hell were gone. Her heart felt like it was breaking. She did not even know this man. Yet, she felt as though the love of her life just walked away. Her soul felt like it might die. Tears fell uncontrollably.

The sound of keys in her locked door made her sit up. She looked up from her pool of tears and saw him standing there behind the merchant. Grinning at her. Joy struck her as the merchant unlocked her cage first and then her ankle shackles. He slipped a chain around her neck and locked it tight with a small lock. The slaver ran a delicate but strong chain leash through a ring in her chain collar and led her out of the confines of the cage. He then led her to the king and handed the chain to him.

The two men spoke and some kind of currency changed hands. She had never been sold before. Right now she did not care. The dirt felt nice under her bare feet. She followed closely behind her new Master, led by the chain his hand, attached around her neck. She walked past the the cages of other girls, some of which had been cruel and beaten her while she was trying to sleep. She sneered at them happy to be leaving this hell behind.

Kain led his new slave girl all the way to his wagon. It was open on the sides but had a top cover for shade. She noticed it was drawn by horses. Where was she? the stone age? She could not remember how she had gotten here to this place. She did not offer any resistance as her new master secured her chain to a bolt in the floor of his wagon. He spoke to her softly, kindly while he did this.

She watched as he checked and rechecked her restraints to be sure she could not break free. She did not mind. His hands were gentle, not rough with her as the slavers had been. After he seemed satisfied he hurried around to the front and climbed in the driver's seat. He signaled his horses and the wagon began to lurch forward. as it did the man handed her a canteen and motioned for her to take it.

The fair woman did take it. Kain then motioned for her to drink it, pretending with his own hands to drink. She was thirsty. She opened the top and smelled it. Smelled good. She sipped it slowly at first and then as the cool water touched her lips and parched tongue she gulped it down greedily. Her master nodding at her seemingly pleased.

They continued on the dirt road for quite some time. By the position of the sun, the slave woman guessed it had been at least 3 hours. She looked around at the wilderness all around them. They seemed to be in the middle of nowhere. Though it was so beautiful. The wagon came to a halt.

Her master came around and began to unbind her from the wagon. Once freed he pulled her down and led her a short walk to a camp site already set up. He was speaking to her rapidly and excitedly pointing up at the sky. She figured it would be dark soon and they were to spend the night here.

Kain was so excited to have found this rare beauty. He could not believe he almost left without her today. He had planned to take her as soon as he saw her. Her spontaneous dance of seduction had only sealed the deal. He tried to tell his slave that they were going to make camp for the night here. He could speak her native tongue of English better than most who spoke it as a first and only language. He wanted her to get used to hearing his, and to see how smart she was in figuring out what he wanted from her.

He pulled her by her chain to the ground to sit and told her in his own native tongue to wait for him there. He would return with blankets and food rations. He could have easily told her in English. He wanted to test her. He left her there mostly free and unsupervised as he began to unload what they would need from his wagon. He pretended to not be watching her and to be completely focused on his task. Leaving her to do whatever came to her fancy.

The woman watched for a short time as her new master worked busily. She looked around nervously at her surroundings. Where was this place? Her chain was light and she could easily scurry off into the woods. The thought taunted her. The man was busy and not paying any attention to her at all. She toyed with the thought of freedom for a time. Then the thought came to her, what if she got away only to be found by those nasty slavers again? That would be terrible. At least this man had given her water and seemed to be unloading some kind of food now from the wagon. If she fled and got lost, she might not get food for some time. She decided to stick around and see what fate would bring her next.

Just then Kain motioned to his slave to come over to him. He was surprised she had not run off yet. Good, he thought to himself. He waived at his girl to come over. She looked frightened. Hesitantly she got up and walked over to him looking at the items on the ground at his feet. He picked up some supplies and shoved them into her arms pointing back to camp. The woman sighed but, took the armful of stuff over to their camp and laid it down near the tent.

She heard him calling out to her again, no doubt to bring over more supplies. After several trips from wagon to camp. Her arms were tired. The last load brought over, she flopped down to the ground to rest.

"Who said sit down slave?" Kain said to his girl in English watching the surprise spread over her face. His arms crossed over his chest as he stood over her looking down sternly at her. "You...You speak English?" the woman asked him shocked and amazed. She blinked up at him. "Yes, this surprises you?" he said amused with himself. "Get up. On your feet now slut." He commanded firmly to her before she could reply. He swiftly grabbed her chain and pulled her up.

"Go get wood for a fire. " he said smacking her ass hard with his hand. "Now. Or are do you not wish to eat tonight?" he looked at her with his sternest look to show her he meant business. "But I am barefoot..." the slave replied sullenly. "And naked too" she added. "Won"t I get cut up or stung by insects?" she asked sincerely. "Not if you are careful, now go we are losing light." He pointed in the direction he wished her to go. "Hurry, i have to get this fire going before sun sets, it will be cold. We are higher in the mountains than where you were earlier today."

"My name is Sara," she told her master. "Your name is whatever I call you, slut." He snapped back at her. "Now go or go hungry." He turned away from her to put together the food he would need to make their meal.

Sara headed in the direction Kain had pointed her. She grumbled as she searched for wood to make a fire with. Why had he waited so long to let her know he could speak her language? She carefully watched her footing as she gathered up some small twiggy stuff first. When her arms were full she walked it back to camp laying it near the rock circle Kain had made in her absence. "Ahh very good, kindling. Smart girl!" He praised her. "Now go get some bigger stuff, maybe make two trips." He ordered her.

With a sigh Sara headed back to get more wood. When she had brought back enough, kain told her to sit and handed her a canteen of water. "Drink." he said simply and went back to working on dinner preparations and stoking up the fire.

Sara drank, and drank and drank. She really had been thirsty. After a moment of silence she finally asked. "Why did you not speak English to me before now?" there was tiredness in her voice.

"You will address me as Master from now on, understand slave?" He said curtly without looking at her. "I said understand slave?" he said more fiercely glaring at her this time. "Yes Master." Sara replied a bit fearfully. "Good" he answered.

When the food had cooked and was ready he handed her a small bowl of the stew he had made. "Eat girl, you will need your strength." He said malevolently. "I don't have a spoon Master." she said matte of factly. "You must earn one." He smiled at her enjoying his own stew with a spoon. Looking at her amused.

It smelled so good and the steam rising up to her face was enticing. She looked at her dirty hands sadly. She watched as her Master ate his stew. Her mouth watered and her belly grumbled. Finally she decided to just dig in. The warm stew coating her fingers. She licked them clean and dove her hand in for more.

They continued eating in silence as the sun fell behind the horizon and darkness began to close in. After showing his slave how to use sand to clean the dishes. He commanded her into his tent. She gladly went inside. Blankets were covering the bottom, soft plushy ones. It felt like laying on giant teddy bears. She could not contain a giggle. she rolled in the fluffy softness as her master put out the fire for the night.

Finally his head poked in and looked at her. "Like?" he asked seeing her all wrapped up inside them. "Oh yes!" was all she could manage as a reply. Kain climbed inside and zipped them in. He threw the blankets from the top of her and looked at her naked body hungrily.

Sara felt suddenly timid as a prey animal. Her passion awakening under his hungry gaze. Suddenly he moved towards her and claimed his mouth with his. Forcing his tongue into her mouth tasting her. She struggled against the force. His hand gripped a fistful of her hair as he plunged a finger into her pussy. Sara moaned, the sparks flying that she felt before. She did not resist his forceful advances. He finger fucked her, making her wet and slippery.

Tossing her over on her belly with ease, he unzipped his pants and pushed his hard cock into her. Taking her, claiming her as his property. Grabbing all of he hair in his hand again, he fucked her hard riding her, forcing her to take pleasure from him. He fucks her hard and fast, unable to contain himself, seeing her dancing like some goddess for him in her cage. He wants her to never forget who now owns her. She screams and moans in bliss fucked from behind like an animal, giving herself to him. Letting him own her, every part.

Kain drives deeply into her releasing his orgasm. "Cum for me slut, cum now" He orders her as she climaxes with him... "You are mine now" Kain whispers into her ear before releasing his hold on her hair and rolling to the floor beside her. He pulls her close to him, holding her, protecting her. Sara falls into a deep sleep lying in her masters arms.


8/12/2014 1:08:13 PM

Rungs of the Ladder

So sleepy today. Happy, content... sleepy. Want so badly to just take a nap right now. *yawn.* Feels like a Thursday to me. I have said, some days feel like an entire lifetime happened within them. There truly are worlds, within worlds.

Today is just such a day. A great honor was bestowed on me today by my Dom. Though it will be a challenge for me as well. I was in a state of shock all morning. My head felt in a daze. I was elated at this new **promotion,** if you will. I could hardly breathe. Like Miss America winning her pageant, I was speechless, so surprised. Did I read the message right? Yes, yes I did. Though with great rewards, come great responsibilities.

Suddenly my elation turns to panic. What if I can not handle it? What if I don't know how? What if I can't stop stressing? How will I bring this to fruition? So many questions flooded my mind. My heart raced as though it was going to flee my chest. My belly did flip flops on me. My head grew light. I fell into a wall. *Do not pass out!* I had to tell myself or risk falling all the way down my stairs and possibly out my hall window.

I slid down 3 stairs, giving me a fright, rug burning my elbow. Was this really happening? I pinched myself. Yes I am awake. I feel as though I can fly though, my very recent fall reminds me I can not.

You are all probably wondering what gave me such a reaction? I am not ready to share it with you all just yet. I want to savor it a while. A moment I have been busting my ass for. Perhaps soon, I will share it with you all. For now it is a secret, known only to those closest to me.

All that is important to know now, is that it is a day of days for me. One of many to come I hope. I will endeavor upon this new, exciting and little bit daunting task, with the same dedication and tenacity I have used to tackle each task before it. Perhaps that, and a little luck, will bring success to the challenge set before me.

I take my first trembling steps upon a path I have not set foot on before. One unknown to me. One never really considered, though am pleased to embark upon. I just love the new twists unfolding in this journey! Keeps me on my toes, alert and at the ready. There really is no looking back, only forward. Why take the road well traveled, when blazing a new one is so much more exciting?!                  Adventure Ho!


8/11/2014 2:43:43 PM
It's My Party

I want to start by thanking all of you who rose to my defense recently. That is something special and is very appreciated. I shall blow a kiss to all the adoring fans, friends and vigilantes!

Today has been spectacular. I am floating in the clouds, soaring on eagle's wings. My heart is full of adoration. I can not stop the song within from bubbling out. Can not walk, must skip. I am like a school girl without a care in the world. 

I am looking back over the past few weeks and can not believe what I see. Is that really me looking so tempting in those pictures? Yes it is. If someone had told me before I began this journey, I would post naked pictures of myself willingly, on the internet, on a perv site... I would have laughed haughtily in their face and told them to get lost. Now look. 177 and the number rises each day, by a few. 

Many of you have asked how it makes me feel. Like a sexy, dirty, desirable, slut. Full of sexual energy, horny and erotic...Some days I feel almost like a porn star. Not all of the pictures have been easy to take. Some required courage I did not know I had. Some required finesse, and careful thought. Some were down right frustrating! haha.

I have learned some things in this task. Some things about myself. Some things about people. Even some things about technology! I see the light returning to my eyes once again. It had gone out for a time.

I wake up early, excited to learn of the day's new tasks. Seriously early! 5 am on the dot every day, like some new internal clock was installed when I was not looking, and was set to go off at that time every morning. I am not a morning person, often nauseous and disoriented. Loved sleeping in. Now I am up with the sun, working out, singing... after a bit of wake up time and my favorite secret morning remedy, oh and some good hard music. Still, the fact that I want to do this is amazing to me. 

Someone once asked me long ago before meeting me, "Do you want me to like what I see, or LOVE what I see?" I am working to become a creature my Dom LOVES to see. And well, all of you get to enjoy it too...

I am living my fantasy, and loving every precious second of it. Even on the days when things get tough, or difficult. I can look back and see how a lesson was learned through it. Even scoundrels and thieves can come bearing rewards and life lessons. 

I would feel none of this without my Dom cracking the whips behind me, pushing me to do new things, correcting me when I falter, guiding me when I am lost. Though it has only been a handful of weeks, I am already a much different slave. Happier, more balanced, alive.

I kneel before Him for all to see. I offer Him my respect and loyal service for as long as He should desire it. For only He could tame the beast within me and train it into a creature of beauty and sensuality, a creature willing to yield and surrender. I honor Him by obeying His commands and serving His every whim.

His, not ALL of yours...   :P 
 



8/10/2014 3:42:10 PM
                                           DEAR DIARY 

Dear Diary. I have some secrets to tell you today. Promise you won't tell a soul? I know I can always trust my diary.

There are so many things I am feeling it is hard to sort them all out. Passion, submission, humility, sensuality. On the flip side I am feeling some other things, fear, confusion, fury and rage...

I suppose going after what we truly want is worth the struggle. Not all aspects of this are easy or even fun. Though I can see it is a test. A test of character, strength, willingness. How far will I go to obey, serve and please?

Side note, NO! I do not please all of you! I please whom I serve! At least I try my very best. I fall, I slip, I get discouraged, even lost. The question is, do I get back up and try again? That often depends on whether or not a hand is there to help me up.

I can not walk this walk on my own. I can not reach my goals without help. A slave is not a slave without a master to serve. likewise a master is king of nothing without the submissive.

Today, my goals feel out of reach. Today I feel discouraged and kicked. Some strangers find it amusing to tear down anyone labeled "slave." I just want to reach through my computer and tear their dicks off, shove it down their throat til they gag, and see how they like it! Who has the audacity to try to creep on some one else's slave? I mean really. Who has the temerity to put doubt and drudgery into another's possession?

If justice is served a knight in shining armor will ride up and take up arms beside me, fight the creeps back into their sties, like the pigs they are. Not saying I can't fight my own battles. I do. I rip into these assholes like a tiger rips into an antelope. Then I block them. Still it would feel nice to feel I had someone covering my ass. Protecting me, guarding me from the wolves.

I grow weary of fighting them off day after day as they rip at me, tearing my flesh, insulting my Dom. Rude and crass. Ignorant and unschooled wanna-be's! Be gone from me or face my insufferable wrath!






8/9/2014 2:52:23 PM
SLUT TRAINING


I am newly inspired and motivated. Once again set upon the path. I so needed this. Lost but now I am found. Broken being rebuilt. I am loving what I am becoming, each day a new adventure. 

Recently I have been sent outside for some new and interesting photos. I loved every minute out there, except when the mosquitoes bit me bum! Ow. I spent some time reflecting upon many things while out in my secret paradise. I have shared a few photos here with you all. 

I am beginning to see things a little differently than I used to. Feeling humbled. Submissive. It brings a sense of inner peace for me to finally have the structure and guidance I was needing so badly. I am striving to reach the new goals set before me. Refocused and revived. Life feels like life again. 

The air just a bit sweeter. The sun's warmth a bit cozier. Colors more vivid and bright. The food I eat even tastes better. I am loving waking up each day excited to take on whatever challenges are presented to me. I dance, and sing, and marvel at the small wonders and miracles all around me. 

Today a dragonfly landed on my hand and just chilled for a time. I was mesmerized. The beauty in something so small, so bright blue. I am coming out of my shell with the help of someone who is quickly becoming special and dear to me. Life is once again flourishing in me and around me. So much that it spills over. Hopefully to some of you who have seen me through the dark ages. 

I am grateful, more than words could ever express. Put in my place, newly chastised, humbled and redirected. Purpose reborn. A bright new path illuminated before me. I can hardly wait to see where it will lead me, and how it shall continue to shape me...

8/8/2014 8:09:16 PM

                       
                         
                          THE ROAD TO SELFLESSNESS

My lesson of the day was to not think in a selfish way. I think, therefore I am, right? It is only human nature to think of oneself first. As a slave, one surrendered to the power of another; it becomes necessary to train the mind to be selfless.

 

Once the thoughts are trained, the body will follow. The question now comes to me, how? How do I do this? I want to be the best slave I can be. I want to think like a slave. I think therefore, I am.

 

To become a selfless slave, I must first think like one. It all begins in the mind. The mind must begin to believe that I am a slave. I live to please, to serve and make my Owner proud. As I start to believe this, my actions will begin to reflect what is inside me. Then I will be more pleasing to he who owns me.

 

I will not delude myself into thinking this is easy. Though I must admit it is worth it. I endeavor to do my mentor/teacher/Dom/Master honor by learning this lesson well. The more selfless I can be, the more pleasing I will be as a slave. This is now my ultimate goal. To become truly selfless, serving and pleasing with all my soul, humbly kneeling in my proper place. At my Owner's feet.



8/7/2014 3:48:49 PM
SUNNY DAYS

Today it rained and thundered complete with lightning! I just love storms like that. So powerful, majestic. I am humbled before such a power. I must say life has not been dull as of late. So busy. Learning new things about myself, about my place. I am liking the results I am seeing very much. I like how this has made me feel. Sexy, dirty, alive. I have not been this happy in some time.

Some of what I am told to do is challenging at times. Though, I am not complaining. This is good! No, great! I needed to be challenged, to be pushed. I needed a motivating force to light the fire under my ass. I even asked the Gods, and the universe. Prayers answered friends! Not without some time spent waiting. Good things truly do come to those who wait.

I got to take the last couple days easy and it has been so wonderful. Like a thousand pounds was lifted off of me. I so needed some R&R. I have been busting my ass lately. At times, quite literally!

I feel like dancing today, and did for a time, before it stormed. I am working with my hula hoop and trying to dance sensually and erotically while keeping the hoop in motion. Works the entire body just about! And is a fun challenge. I can walk with hoop in motion now and not drop it! Not as easy as you might think. I have real bruises on my hips from all the practicing I have done this week. No pain no gain they say.

I give my utmost respect and admiration to the Dom behind these new discoveries and challenges. He makes me want to obey, to yield, and to follow. He is kind when I need him to be, and stern when I lag behind. He is not afraid to remind me of my place if necessary either, or to reward me when it is deserved. I want to be better in so many ways because of his influence. He re-lit my slave fire and reminded me of all the reasons I wanted to be a slave in the first place. I lay at his feet ready to serve when needed or desired. My eternal gratitude is not payment enough. I give many thanks.


8/6/2014 12:32:06 PM
WELL WISHERS
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KvLDJIKjWyo

Some of you have seen fit to give me advice. Please know it is appreciated, and some advice I do consider; even take. Some of you are just assholes and need to put your foot in your mouth before I have to introduce you to Tara! 

I am my own person. I have good instincts, most of the time. Those of you who think you can just walk in off the internet and tell me this is wrong, that is improper, you are going to get hurt... etc. Thank you for the two cents, but, please know; I am a big girl. I can make up my own mind about people. I do not walk this life alone. I do not take unnecessary risks. Yes I have fallen in the past. I felt heartache, we all must.

I live my life as I feel is right for me. You may think you can do it better, well, then where is your sub??? Hmm? Why are you here looking? Why are you here trying to control me? I serve whom I serve. Period. Deal with it. It ain't you! For damn good reason. I bet you are the kind who has some unwilling high-school girl locked and chained in your mom's basement. Get off my ass! None of you own me. I bow before none of you. I am a free woman and can enter into an agreement with whomever I wish. At my own risk! 

I am not stupid, or foolish. I do my homework. I am smarter than the average bimbo ya, know. Bet my IQ is higher than any of yours. I know who I am getting involved with. I bet I even know the town of birth. So don't come up in my house treating me like some dumb blonde who don't know nothing! I did not fall off the slave truck yesterday. I have one thing to say to you all who think you know better than me, "Leave me ALONE! Please." I am begging you all. Shut up!

View my pics, jack off, leave a compliment...move on. Get over the fact, you are never, ever going to touch me, you do not OWN me. I am NOT yours to command. I have a Master. I also serve another. That is MY business! Get off my back or get shot in yours. Enough said.

8/4/2014 7:03:32 PM



BIG GIRLS DON'T CRY

What a day. Started off by getting myself into trouble. Got punished. Spent much of the day in solitude, working on this and that. Got in a great workout, guess that is good. Spent a full hour hula-hooping while dirty dancing to Disturbed and Rammstien! Ya... tired now. Likely will be sore tomorrow. It is after all an adult size hula hoop. My hips are bruised. Felt great in the moment though.

Want to cry right now. I have a hard time forgiving myself, even for the smallest mistakes. I try to remember it is a learning curve. Rome was not built in a day. Nor was the perfect obedient slave...

I am giving it all I got and still falling short. Brings tears to my eyes as every muscle in my body screams, now several hours after my workout. Will I ever reach the top? I look at the mountain before me. Not if I keep sliding back to the bottom.

I guess I have to dust myself off and begin the climb again. Now sore and bruised, though mostly just my pride. Mostly. Ass burns even still from the spanking I did receive. "Good" I hear in the back of my mind. "You need it" perhaps I do.

Too long I have run wild and free, saying whatever popped into my pretty little head. Now though, now, I am accountable. Not everything should be given voice I am learning. The hard way. The road is long when one has to crawl on their belly. It is what I sought to learn, guess I imagined somehow remaining free of the mud. Forgot that even roses have their thorns. Forgot my place. Better believe I was reminded right quick too...

I drop my face into my hands and let the tears fall silently. I am sorry... I close my eyes and wait to see what tomorrow will bring...


8/2/2014 10:22:14 AM


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZ4sDn89P04

"This will never end 'cause I want more..."

"After the night when I wake up, I 'll see what tomorrow brings..."

~Fever Ray



So I am well on the road to becoming a dirty, filthy slut. I am loving it. Not saying I don't have much yet to learn, though, with the perfect teacher, I am getting there. Funny dream for a girl to have. I have always wanted to please and seduce men.


Somedays it feels like I am getting the crash course. I have to wonder for what test am I studying? Was a very busy week for me. I have done things this week I never imagined I would do, let alone do at the request of another. I am liking how it all makes me feel. Sexy. Dirty. I have been so horny all week, insatiable. Wet, wanton. Can I help it if I want more? more, please, give me more

I once told someone that I have never begged for sex, and never would. I must retract that statement. If I must endure more of this I will be begging like a puppy for treats. Jumping through each and every hoop for just a little more. A taste.

I have to say having the right Dom in charge helps immensely. I am not easy to rule, and it takes a special something to keep me eager, willing and submitted. Many have tried and failed before. When a connection is made though, magic is born. Every girl is a freak, it just takes the right guy to bring it out. One has found the secret to unleash my inner freak. Not only that but, to command it as well. I sit baffled in utter amazement. How did this happen? I ask myself over and over. At any rate I am forever changed because it did.

Waiting, for whatever shall come next. I find myself fascinated, as well as frightened. Surrender is scary. It is a ride I wish to take. But, like a woman of Sparta, you must defeat me in battle to win the right to rule me. Yes, well, I humbly admit my defeat to the victor. I do not always like what he commands of me, but, I find myself willing to overcome it to please him, to satisfy his own insatiable desires. Lust rising in me like one of Yosemite's awesome geysers. A puppet on strings I dance to his every whim.

It is scary because I find so few who stir me in this way. My power no longer my own. What wouldn't I do for those gentle words good girl, from him? Is there no wall I would not climb? Is there a mountain too big to move? I would shake heaven and earth if I had to. I would find a way.


8/1/2014 10:11:45 AM

Dear Diary,

I have met a God. He has left me drunk in wonder. The slut inside me arises. Like a vampire from the coffin. My dreams haunted with glimpses of things I dare not speak. Tears of cleansing rain wash over me, rebirthing me into that which I always was. I gasp and hold my breath at the new creature I see before me.

Born of desire, passion and fire. I have found my calling. One has breathed into me the breath of life, Gold Dragons bow to him. I stand amidst them, angelic, Frightening, powerful. The essence of life itself. I drink it in, basking in it's glory.

I am a sex slave, and there is no going back. Chain me, tie me, beat me, fuck me, just OWN me. I pant and moan in bliss, pouring from the river of life. I walk where most only dream of walking. I am humbled before such light. I am open, ready, willing and waiting.

I wait kneeling, as a slave should. I would brave Hell itself to ride this wave for all eternity. My breath it slows... My heart racing like wild horses. Time stops. I float, zero gravity, suspended. I am HIS. I would breathe my last breath for him. Walk over burning fires. Everything is about sex. Except SEX. Sex is about POWER.

I begin to understand something. Touched I shall never be the same. I arch my back. Fuck me, Take me. I am an animal, to be owned, used. Capture my heart and you will own it forever. Kneeling before Him that stands before me. I am nothing if not for his pleasure. I am empty if not desired by his lust. Hollow without his voice calling me in the eternal darkness.

Lost without Him. I follow to places angels fear to tread. I obey commands I never imagined. I trust forces I can not see. I bow before one... ONE. I lift my face to the night sky, and howl like a solemn wolf at the full moon. Bowing low, so low I taste the dust of the earth. MASTER I say in awe and reverence. "I am yours to command..."


7/26/2014 2:05:52 PM

The weekends are hard. Too many thoughts swimming in my head. Maybe there is truth in the old cliche, 'idle hands are the devil's tools.' I am riddled with butterflies and anxiety. Though they can be likened more to the excitement one might feel before a big event. I am excited again. That is a good thing.

I am feeling so alive, full of energy...nothing to do with it all, but wait. I am not good at the waiting part. Race horses at the starting gate want to race! I am trying to learn how to channel this new life energy flowing in my veins. It is intense, and I can feel it in every cell in my body. Like a sweet and hypnotic poison intoxicating me to the point of delirium.

I shake my head to clear the fogginess, but to no avail. I am lost in it, and see no choice but to surrender. Yield to the erotic visions dancing in my head. To the feelings tugging at my very soul.

A bit of fear rises in me. It can be scary to surrender it all. Maybe if I can finally accept my place, that peace I have been searching for will rain down on me. Washing away all that came before it. I must try. I must not fail this time. I must not fall or stumble. Suppose I should not have skipped walking class, and learned to walk before I flew. I feel it will all be ok though, if I can just stay out of my own way for once. May the Gods help me...


7/26/2014 12:57:02 PM

New life flows in these veins. I can not contain the excitement I am feeling. It threatens to shred me into pure energy I think. I don't care, I am loving every precious moment. If any of you have ever had a wish come true, you know the feeling I speak of. I have had a wish come true, and find myself walking in the clouds.

I am so alive, passion stirs within me like it has not in so long. Ages it seems. I feel giddy as a school girl with a first crush. A whisper from the shadows has returned. Breathing into me the breath of life once again. I feel as though I could dance the days away in pure bliss. 

Though I must not get too carried away. I must be mindful of what I am doing. The time has come to accept my place and follow my path. I have played in the shallows far too long. Time to test and see if I have learned anything at all. I feel as though I have, but now must prove it. Sink or swim they say. I intend to rise to the challenge! I want to enjoy it this time around. 

Wish me luck, and never forget, if you want something bad enough, wishes really can come true...

7/25/2014 3:06:12 PM


This river of life is a wild ride. Today has been a spectacular day. I hope I never come down from these clouds. My body tingles all over. I feel as though I have had a taste of heaven today.

Why is it such a good day you ask? Because balance has been restored to the force. The last few days have been much like riding tilt-a-whirl! Today though, I am back on the path I am supposed to be on and it feels just wonderful. It may be a bit rocky for a time as the dust settles but I do not mind it one bit.


7/16/2014 2:19:20 PM


A song in my mind today... naughty naughty

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAp9BKosZXs

7/13/2014 10:28:41 AM

 

The water has suddenly gotten deep, over my head. I can hear only my heart thumping in my chest. I can not breathe. I have lost the air. Yet, there is something serene about this all. Like it is just a moment in time. A blink of the eye. Think, I say to myself, there must be some way to control the rising tides. I will not be devoured by the sea again, carried by the raging torrent that is the river of my life. 

When a soul touches another so deeply, and so profoundly that it alters the very reality it lives in, what is left to do but yield? Wave the white flag in total surrender. Fall on your face and thank whatever gods you praise that your life was spared. Or, was it? 

The Djinn will grant you wishes. Yes, they grant wishes alright, but there is a price. It does not come for free. One can't get something for nothing now, can they? Sometimes the price is light, pocket change. Then, there are the wishes one wishes with all their might. All their heart, tears, and soul. When these wishes are granted, the price is often more than one thinks they can bear. Balance is always kept. 

I have made such a wish recently. The prize is dangled out in front of me like a carrot on a stick. Half the fun is in chasing it. When that fun wears off then, it is really only the end reward that will bring satisfaction. Now imagine though that the reward continues to elude your grasp, so barely out of reach. The chase continues. Now it is a matter of how badly do you want that prize? Is the carrot at the end of the stick, going to give the satisfaction it promises? Certainly, you can not forget to ask, is it really worth the chase?

Tough questions. Ones I desperately seek to answer. There was a time I would have given up everything just to taste that carrot. I thought I would chase it forever.  Now, I am not so sure. Maybe I have grown weary of the chasing. Lost focus on the end prize. Then I am reminded that this is a carrot like no other. Maybe I can trick the dangler into going easier? No, the Djinn see through such devices. The price is the price, once the wish is granted, the payment is taken with or without consent. 

Dedicated to my muse: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwQbXrwYZAg


7/7/2014 8:21:09 AM


Today is a day of inner reflection. I have been made to search my soul's very depths. The answers I seek are there. Sometimes looking at oneself in the mirror is hard. I do not always like what I see looking back at me. Sometimes what I see frightens me. I am changing. Right before my very eyes. What am I becoming? Is it better? These are the questions to which I seek answers. 

There has been a whisper in the wind, nurturing and fostering in me things that are so incredible; I can not believe I had such things within myself. A voice haunting me in my dreams. A force of coaxing modification. This one stirs me, and excites my darkest, innermost desires.

I am so hungry, always wanting more. Visions of shadows, mere phantoms, toy with my reality. Twisting it into something so erotic and fantastic, I am left wanton, wet... Is this dream or reality? I care not, just please give me more. Insatiable, blissful torment has raptured my heart. I will yield and let it carry me to the sweet, quietness of the abyss. Just let me float here a while, please. No price is too high for such ecstasy, for I have sold my own soul for but, a taste...


6/28/2014 9:56:09 AM



Got to go out shooting today, took my Tara with me. Ow! but fun...


6/16/2014 2:57:45 PM
SLAVE'S WORK IS NEVER DONE...

5/21/2014 8:45:42 AM

“If you’re powerful and confident, you don’t need to raise your voice. ‘I’ll kill you’ is much more frightening whispered than screamed.”

 

~Alexander Skarsgard Net


5/19/2014 2:24:42 PM

It was late on a warm summer night. Lydia was out walking her dog one last time before bed. Her thoughts were of her new and mysterious friend she recently met online. He made her feel as though she could walk on clouds. Her head was in a daze, clouded by thoughts of things they had spoken of over the last few days, was it? Could it have only been a few days? Some of those thoughts excited her and gave her little flutterbies in her belly. Some though, frightened and bedazzled her. Left her head spinning. 

Her new train of thought made her feel anxious inside. Her palms began to get clammy. She wiped them on her jeans and looked nervously behind her. She felt watched. She wished her dog would just hurry up and pick his location already. She suddenly felt a surge of fear well up inside her, and it made her uneasy. She told herself not to be silly. What could possibly happen? He did not have her address. She relaxed, but only a little. Something tugged at her intuition, but what?

She whistled to her dog, and decided to pick up her pace and get back inside. How had she wandered so far away from her usual path? She came around a corner where the street lamp liked to flicker on and off. Hmm, it appeared to be off at the moment. Not too far now, almost there, she attempted to comfort her anxious nerves. 

From the shadows a gloved hand clasped her mouth tightly. She found herself pinned against a strong body, the smell of leather filling her senses. A husky voice whispered into her ear, "Tonight, life as you knew it ends, and your new life begins." His warm breath tickled in her ear and she struggled to get free. The arm held her fast, and a sharp stick hit her in the back of the right thigh. A cool rush entered her veins, and her legs felt woozy. "That's right slut, from now on, you are mine..." Those were the last words she heard as her world faded to black. 

Lydia's eyes slowly fluttered open. Her mouth was dry and had a metallic taste in it. At first the room looked very dark, she could not make much out. Her head hurt and she felt groggy. She tried to move her legs. They felt heavy. As she shuffled around to try to sit up, the rattling of chains brought to her a sobering reality. Stay clam, be cool, she told herself. She had to keep her head about her and figure out just what had happened and what was her situation. 

A shutter washed over her as she began to recall. "...From now on, you are mine..." That voice, so haunting, so tantalizing. She now remembered. She had been abducted, but by whom? Another thought rushed to her pounding head, what had become of her pet, her little dog? And where were all her clothes?

pulling herself upright, she felt cold hard metal around her left ankle. Attached to that was a moderately heavy chain. Though not so heavy she could not move. Her gaze followed the chain along its length to a brick wall. The chain was securely fastened to a large and heavy eye bolt screwed into the wall. She tugged on it out of sheer frustration. Yup, not gonna break or budge. damn she thought. 

As Lydia's eyes adjusted, she realized that there was the faint light of a nightlight or something of that nature, it was dim but she could now see. It appeared she was in some kind of dungeon. She could see there was a St. Andrews cross hanging on one wall. The adjacent wall had various whips, floggers and chains dangling from hooks fastened to the wall. She noticed a large wooden box not too far from her. Oh this isn't good, she muttered out loud to herself. It seemed she was alone in the room, at least, for the moment. She surveyed more of her surroundings, looking for a tool, a way out...something. Anything. As she let her eyes take in all that was around her, she noted a number of other confinement devices. One of which appeared to be a large iron cage. There seemed to be someone cowering inside it. 

"Hello?" Lydia called out. "Shhhh", the other girl answered back with definite fear in her voice. "If you wake him, you will be beaten" she said, in a quivering voice just over a whisper. The caged girl looked nervously towards the source of the light. Lydia could see now that it was a windowed door. The glass was frosted, so they could not see out it clearly. It let just enough light in to see what likely awaited them both in the hours and or days to come. 

The two captives watched the door in complete silence for what seemed an eternity. Nothing. The girl in the cage breathed a little sigh of relief, "That was close..." she whispered quietly. Lydia dragged herself carefully across the floor until the length of her chain was taught so she could be heard from the other side of the room better. "Would he really have beaten us?" Lydia asked in a whisper? She glanced back at the wall of whips and paddles behind her.  They made her feel sick to her stomach with fear. For a second she envisioned one of them stinging her bare naked back, she shivered inside. "Oh yes, without mercy to," the other girl's meek voice broke the train of thoughts in Lydia's head. 

The caged girl was naked also, and Lydia could see what appeared to be welts or possibly bruises on her legs. Could they have been made from some kind of...stick? "I am Lydia, what is your name?" Lydia offered. "Chamile..." was her simple reply. Lydia felt nervous inside, butterflies in her tummy threatened to carry her away. She hated being so, helpless. "How long have you been here Chamile? How long had she been here? Lydia wanted to pass the time and keep her mind busy. "Two long weeks." Chamile's voice sounded weak and broken down. Lydia noticed she did not try to make any eye contact either. "Will we get any food or water soon?" Lydia's stomach felt as though it was gnawing on her backbone, she was so hungry. She had no idea how long she had been unconscious or chained in this dirty basement dungeon. Chamile replied, "If we are good and a little lucky, yes." She too was hungry, for it had been two days since she was given any food. "Suck your thumb Lydia, it really helps... sometimes" Her voice trailed off at the last word as though she had lost her will to speak. 

"Shh, I hear footsteps." Chamile tried to shrink back into the shadowy part of her cage as much as she could. Her insides were filled with terror for her new friend, this was not going to be pretty. Lydia would have no idea what was in store for her, and she herself could do nothing to stop it. She would have to sing to herself to keep from shrieking out in terror as she would be forced to witness what was about to happen. She began to hum the song her mother would sing to her as a child when she had a boo-boo, Puff The Magic Dragon. She closed her eyes and tried to picture a happy place. She tried to picture herself on the shores of Honalee...

Lydia went quiet and listened. She too could hear footsteps approaching. She felt panic rising in her. Something bad was about to happen, she could feel it with every nerve in her body. She wanted desperately to flee. Bound by chains however, there was no where to go. 

Perhaps it was the other girl's fear feeding into her own, or the not knowing what was about to come through that door. She had never been so afraid in her whole life. Breathe, Lydia, she told herself. Use your training, and your head. The footsteps were right outside the door now. The girls could hear voices outside. The sound of a key turning in a lock, a doorknob jiggle and three men burst through the door, speaking and laughing with each other excitedly. A light came on over head, Lydia gasped involuntarily. 

"There she is boys, isn't she a beaut..?" One man's voice thundered out. Lydia recoiled in fear, she knew that voice. It was the one that whispered in her ear, ..."You are mine." She could not see him clearly as the light was now much brighter and hurt her eyes. She had to squint as her eyes teared up. 

The other two men walked over and stood over her looking down at her.  The shorter man of the three smacked her hard on her exposed thigh, Lydia shrieked and began to creep backwards, not that it would help any, she knew she would soon hit wall. She Just could not help it. "Aww, now look, you scared her dumb ass!" The third man said and thumped his friend in the back of the head. Lydia looked up at them, tears falling from her eyes, her thigh smarting as a pink handprint began to appear. She tried to cover her nakedness as best as she could and curled up tightly against her knees, now backed securely into the wall. "Ow! Save it for the bitch, fucktard." The assaulted man retorted. 

"Take it easy, both of you" Lydia's abductor scolded, playfully. He crossed the room in a few short strides and grasped her by the back of her hair.  She pulled against his grip defiantly, and instantly regretted it. He tugged her head up to look at him, and looked deep into her eyes. She mustered all her rage and attempted to flash it at him in her gaze, she would show him that she would not be treated like some animal. "Whoo, that is some fire you got, slut! If looks could kill." He chuckled a little, "Look at that guys. Ever seen a chick so pissed off?" He tilted her head up higher to be seen by the others. 

"Shiiit, ya." The short man whose hand print was now burnt into her thigh said. "When I fucked some hoochies face and my buddy took her sweet, cherry ass, stuck his fist right up her cunt! That, bitch was pretty pissed." The men all laughed.  "How's your thigh there, little hunny?" the short man taunted, as he knelt beside her and traced his finger over his handy work. Lydia cringed, and spit right in his face, her head still held tightly by her abductor. "Fucking cunt! I should slap the piss out of you, for that!" He wiped his face with his shirt hem while the other two laughed hysterically. "Ugh, bitch will pay." He continued to rant. 

A meek but, audible giggle sounded from the cage in the corner of the room. Chamile slapped her hand over her mouth instantly afraid. "Think it's funny cunt? I will slap that smile right off your face, bitch." The short loud mouthed man postured over by the side of the cage at Chamile. "Want some of this whore?" he taunted, grabbing his crotch. Chamile dropped her gaze and sat down shaking her head no. She was too afraid to speak. "Take it easy Larry, it was just a little spit, didn't see you complaining when that red head was drooling all over your dick last night." Lydia's abductor released her head with a little toss, "Stay put," he told her firmly, pointing his index finger in her face. He glared into her eyes, she simply nodded. Besides, where could she run with that chain strapped to her ankle anyways? He walked over to Larry and put a hand on his shoulder. "Calm down dude, or you are out of this, got it?" Don't need nothing like what happened in Texas, ok..." He looked at Larry intently, "You chill man or what?" He squeezed Larry's shoulder tightly. "Ya... ya, Lucian, It's all good." Larry cast a dirty look at Lydia. "Just that if she ever does something like that again..." "Enough, no one does anything to the blonde unless I say so, got it? She is mine and I am not sure I want to share her just yet." Lucian said. He cast his glance over Lydia's trembling naked body. She was beginning to know what it must feel like to be steak. 

So her abductor's name is Lucian is it, she thought. Seemed fitting. He had dark, jet black hair. His face was ruggedly handsome. His arms muscled and strong. She thought about what it might feel like to be caressed by his very manly hands. His fingers were large in comparison to her tiny hands. She imagined a finger slipping up inside her wet pussy. What the hell was she thinking? She had to figure out how to get out of here, not how to be seduced by a delicious looking man with strong arms and a firm body. 

She sat and watched as the men turned their attentions toward Chamile. Lucian retrieved another key from his pocket and unlocked Chamile's cage. "Come my dear, it is time for you to freshen up and use the bathroom now." He reached in and grabbed her hair bringing her to a standing position. Chamile whimpered a little at the firmness of his grasp. She stumbled out of the cage guided by Lucian's hand still rooted deeply in her hair. "Want you all dolled up for the party tonight, you understand me?" Lucian's voice was commanding but, not unkind. Chamile, spoke softly her eyes cast down at the floor, "yes Sir." Her voice quivered in her throat, oh how she wished she was brave enough to spit in one of their faces. She smiled to herself at the recollection of just moments  ago. "Good, go with Larry and Mark, and for god's sake take a shower while you are in there!" "Yes Sir, thank you Sir." Chamile answered obediently with a slight curtsy, and was escorted off towards the door by the other two men. "See that she wears some decent makeup this time, will ya, guys? Looked like some homeless street whore last time. Oh, and let her have something to eat, while you are up there, she has been pretty good the last couple of days..." "Ya, ok sure Lucian," Mark piped up, as they headed up the short flight of stairs and out the door.

Lucian returned to Lydia's side. He knelt beside her huddled body and gently ran his finger over the red hand print on her thigh. The feel of his touch tantalized her and left a trail of tingling sensation behind it. She began to feel aroused by his gentle posture and fierce underlying energy. He spoke softly and calmly in a soothing tone to her, "If you ever do that to me, what you did to my buddy Larry, I will bend you over that bench over there, tie you to it and ass rape you until you pass out, do I make myself clear, slut?" His finger still rested on her milky white skin. She studied his chiseled face. She thought he looked to be in his thirties. She noticed he had stubble growth. His lips were full and sensual. Her face began to warm. Was she blushing? Something else felt warm too, though it's location rested much lower. This reaction was not missed by her captor. A faint smile touched his lips as he looked her up and down. All of the sudden, his hand moved swiftly to grasp her throat, "I said, do I make my self clear?" His voice still as calm as before but, this time she noted much more bass in his tone. She mustered, a labored, "Y... Yes... Sir." She had remembered Chamile calling him that and hoped it would appease him. To her relief, it worked, his grip loosened, but did not release her. "Good," he said simply and let her fall before him back to the floor. Her own hand immediately went to her throat. She took a deep breath to make sure it all still worked. 

She looked at him with hatred burning in her eyes, but he was not facing her now. Lucian had moved over to his wall of pain delivery devices and was looking them over with careful thought. "What happened to my dog," she blurted out. Though it did not come out sounding as fierce as it did in her head. "You better not have hurt him!" She added to make it stronger. She shot visual daggers at his back and wished he would look at her. She wanted him to, needed him to. Just look at me, she screamed in her head. His back was well defined and muscled. He appeared to be in great shape. She wondered if what lie hidden beneath his trousers was just as impressive. Shame on yourself Lydia, he might be about ready to chop you up into fish food for all you know! Her logic was hard to refute. 

Without breaking his concentration on the task at hand; choosing just the right whip, he answered her, "Oh, you think me a heartless bastard, do you? I don't hurt animals doll. Your dog is just fine and resting comfortably on my couch upstairs. You on the other hand, are not going to be so lucky this night." He turned, smiling a devilish grin at her, now holding his chosen toy. He held it up nicely for her to view it in all it's splendor. "An ostrich leather multi-tail, slave flogger." He informed her as she looked on in absolute horror. The leather looked thick and heavy, much too heavy for her delicate, pampered skin. "I call her Bitch-slayer, my dear. You will have the pleasure to find out why very soon." 

Lucian carried the whip over to her and let it's tails brush her skin ever so lightly. She trembled at his feet. "Do not look so worried pet, we will not begin with this one," He laughed, amused at her innocent fear. Lydia looked up at him to read his expression. "From this moment on, you are not to look at me, slut!" Lucian commanded in a fierce tone. "Look at the floor." She could not help but obey him. Her eyes went to the floor, and she worried he might strike her with that whip. "Good," he praised her, more gently. He strolled slowly around her letting the tails drag over her naked flesh. It was a sensual and erotic feeling, one that made her wet between her thighs.

The whip tails suddenly plopped down on the floor in front of her. "Kiss the tails and then I want you to tell me what an obedient little slut you want to become." Lucian stood above her, and was now directly in front her, waiting for her to, what, obey him

Lydia tried to look up, feeling much bolder now. Lucian's hand was swift to position her head as he wanted it, looking at the floor. His hand was firmly wrapped in her hair at the base of her neck. He pushed her head down towards the whip again. "Kiss it or lick my boot, now, slut." A sharp sting connected with her right buttock cheek. A crop? when did he pick that up? She yelped in response and kissed the whip. "Good, now tell me what an obedient little slut you want to become," he repeated. 

Lydia opened her mouth to speak but no words came out. She muttered a nervous "Uh, umm..." Again, the sharp sting of the crop connected to her right buttock cheek in almost the exact same location as before. "Hey!," she hollered, "I am not some animal to be trained..." This time the whip came hurling down upon her bare back with great force. It connected so swiftly that she was knocked onto her stomach. Tears welled up in her eyes as each tail left white fire in it's wake. She tried to breathe and found she could not, there was ringing in her ears. "Breathe slut," Lucian commanded firmly. Finally, after what seemed like minutes of air deprivation, a breath came rushing in. Lydia felt his hand grab her hair again. He pulled her to a kneeling position and offered her the whip tails to kiss as before. This time he gave no orders. He just stood there waiting for her to comply. She took another breath and leaned over kissing the leather. It felt rough against her soft luscious lips. "She peeked up out of the corner of her eye at him and began to speak. "I want to be an obedient slut," she said in a quiet voice.

"Not great, but it's a start. See you are too an animal to be trained. Now you are my animal to train and I will make you obedient." Lydia had stinging spots all over her now. Her mouth was so dry and parched that her tongue was sticking to the roof of her mouth. She began to smack her lips trying to get even just one drop of moisture. She coughed as the dryness went to her throat. "What is it, slut? What do you want?" Lucian sounded amused by all of this. What choice did she have, Lydia begged her captor for a drink of water. Lucian walked over to a table on one side of the room. He picked up a thermos and brought it to her. She took it greedily and yanked open the spout. She sucked down a big swallow of wet, cold....piss??? She spit it out all over the floor and partly on herself. "This is piss," she said drooling and gagging. "Yes, I know. " Lucian was smiling like a little boy on christmas who just got a new bike. Lydia dry heaved a few more times, at least now her mouth was not dry. Lucian just chuckled, clearly enjoying this. "If you want water, then you must do as I tell you, cunt!"

Lydia was tired of being called derogatory names. "You know, my name is Lydia," she said snarkily. "Did I fucking ask you what your name was?" Lucian snapped back harshly. "Well, no but..." Lydia stammered. Lucian cut her off, "When the time comes, I will tell you your name. Until then, you will be whatever I wish to call you in the moment, got that, pig?" Lydia nodded, feeling defeated. "Good, now you made a terrible mess, clean it up." Lucian barked at her. "With what?" She whimpered. Lucian thought for a moment. Then he said sadistically, "I want you to use your long, pretty hair. Mop up my piss slave, slut with your pretty, blonde hair." Lydia began to cry then. "Ah good we have breached the first barriers, you are already breaking under my control. I told you, you will obey me." 

Lucian looked at her weeping form, lying on the cement floor at his feet and felt a little sorry for her. She looked so fragile and tired. He wanted to hold her in his arms and wipe her tears away. God, she was beautiful. Such full tits, and a cute, tiny, little, spankable ass. She had to learn though. First, he had to break her, then he could rebuild her. Mould her into his perfect servant. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Chamile closed the bathroom door leaving her goons outside as guards. She used the toilet, first time since they let her earlier this morning. So much better than that bucket she was given in her cage yesterday, she thought to herself. After she finished, she turned on the shower faucets and set the temperature. This was going to feel nice after three days of being locked in that cage. Her thoughts shifted to that poor girl, Lydia. She could not know for certain what was happening to her down there in Hell but, she had some idea, having spent two weeks now with these men and their cursed friends and parties. She knew it would not be fun for her. Not yet anyways. She hoped Lydia would be smart like she had been and would learn her place quickly, for her own sake. These men could be ruthless if they wanted to be. They could be nice too, if you pleased them. Chamile liked pleasing them. 

She felt the water with her hand. Oh, just right. Stepping into the shower, Chamile could not resist a quiet moan of blissful pleasure. Fuck, this felt good. She got herself wet all over and then reached for the body wash and her loofah mitt. Yes, they could be nice, sometimes. Lucian was her favorite of the three roommates. He was sensible and even gentle at times. Yes, he was strict and would make you regret crossing him, but he was not unduly cruel. She liked that about him. Larry was just an asshole no matter how you looked at it. He was loud and opinionated too. He was so rough and mean just for the hell of it. Luckily, Lucian had taken to liking her recently and did not let Larry use her, as they called it, anymore. Mark was ok, he seemed to go with whatever was happening around him. The few times she was with him alone, he seemed like an average sort of guy. He had days though where he was just sadistic. That scared her. There was something a little off about Mark, but she could not quite place it yet. Perhaps, there was something off about of all them for the sole fact they keep women as prisoners, as sluts, against their will. Well, it starts out that way anyway. She was already adapting to her new life, and thought of breaking out less and less. There was even a day or two where she had some fun and enjoyed playing as the men's little whore. Crawling on the floor like a puppy with a tail plug in her ass, and a rubber dildo in her mouth. Fetching it naked for them on all fours and rolling over for her pleasure reward.

She turned her thoughts to the party that would happen tonight. Almost every night, in fact. The large house would fill with people looking for kinky this, and kinky that. Orgies, and beatings for pleasure. Circle jerks and all sorts of other bizarre things she had never known of before being abducted a couple weeks ago. Lucian, Mark and stupid Larry all owned the house together. She had no clue what any of them did for jobs, but she had her suspicions that they might be pimps or even drug dealers, maybe both. Her life was spent mostly down in that dimly lit dungeon. That, and servicing men and sometimes Domme women too, at these parties. If she refused she was beaten, or starved, sometimes gang raped. Once, she was even forced to let a dog fuck her as punishment for refusing to swallow the entire groups cum. She had to give oral to the dog and that was just gross. No, it was much better to do as you were told here, sometimes she even got a reward. 

As far as she knew, at least ten other women resided here in the house as servant sluts, also prisoners liker her and Lydia. Counting herself and the new girl, that brought it to twelve now. There were many rooms in the house and she figured that many of the rooms were dungeons like her basement. During the parties some of the rooms were just for fucking. Some she had seen had bodage furniture inside. Still others were off limits and locked. She did not get to fraternize with the other girls much at this point. She was still in "training" as they referred to it as, and was under tight lock and key. She was escorted everywhere by someone dominant at all times, either on leash or ever watchful scrutiny. Some of the girls who had been there longer got to actually lounge by the pool and hot tub outside in the large, fenced and very privatized yard. Well, when they weren't being used, anyways. She knew that the property was gated and had armed guards at all times. No one came in or left without it being noticed. She figured there was likely security cameras everywhere too, though she had not seen any as of yet. 

Oh and she could not forget the Mistress of the house. Mistress Lorainna. She was miss queen bee around the house and everyone tried to stay on her good side. She was beautiful, and so sexy, Chamile thought. The house had a small staff of paid servants who did things like pool maintenance, the gardening, catering and things like that. They often got to play with the house slaves before the parties started. It was five stories, or so she had heard anyways and had a beautiful suite upstairs, accessible by the elevator and or the guarded stairway. Only the really valued, and most obedient, well trained, girls got to play up there, and were forbidden to discuss what exactly went on up there. All Chamile knew is that the few who went up there, could not wait to go back again.  

Today Chamile would get to help with the party set up for the first time. This was a good thing as it meant that the Dominants were beginning to trust her. She hoped soon she would get to join the lucky girls who got to lay around the pool. No longer having to do menial work around the house. It was the lower ranking girls who took care of the regular household work. Laundry and cooking for the other slave girls. House cleaning and of course, the dreaded after party clean ups. Ugh, those were just awful. At least the paid servants also helped with that task. Poor Lydia would be in the clean up crew now as well. At least until she could work her way up and some other punished or low ranking slave had to do that work. 

First though, Chamile would get to eat today! She had gone without for the last two days as punishment for doing something really bad. Chamile did not wish to think about that now. She had also had to spend those days locked in that small cage. She could stand up in it and if she curled up could even lay down, but still, it was nice to be moving around freely again. 

As Chamile stepped out of the shower, she felt like a new person. She was shaved again, and fresh and clean. She picked up the blow dryer and began to fix her hair. Makeup she would do a little later, and of course her party dress! Right now though she was being waited on to be given her task of the day. The men did not like to be kept waiting for long. The warm air blowing on her face and head felt great. Funny how you miss the little things when you don't have them. A pounding on the door startled her from her quiet thoughts. "Hey, you ain't going to the king's ball! Hurry up already got work for you to get done, bitch! You can get all dolled up later, now, let's go!" It was Mark. He sounded agitated. She decided a ponytail would have to do for now, or risk being in punishment again.

Chamile exited the bathroom she curtsied as she had been taught to do and offered a submissive, "Sorry Sir, the water felt so good I lost track of time." Her voice was meek but had a sultry undertone to it. "Did I ask you for excuses?" Mark barked at her. She noted Larry was absent, and was grateful. "Here put these on, don't want your creamy flesh to char out in the sun today." Mark tossed her some comfortable looking sweats and a light T-shirt. He handed her a sports bra as well, no panties.  Chamile took the clothes gratefully. Did he just say she would get to go outside??? Her excitement began to rise. She would get to feel the sun on her skin today. It had been two whole weeks since she had been outside the house. She hurried and threw the clothes on, barely able to keep her balance in the shuffle. "Easy there slut pie," Marked cooed at her, chuckiling. He reached a strong arm out to steady her. "You need to get your strength up first. Come on, let's hit the kitchen." He snapped the leash to Chamile's collar and led her to the kitchen. "Today I will just be supervising you Chamile, Larry had shit to do. Lorainna will be out most of the day as well, she needed to pick up some things and as we know Lucian is busy with his newest slut in training. Today you may make whatever you wish so long as you make ME one of your fabulous omelettes!" 

Chamile giggled playfully, her mood was in a good place right now, and it was looking like it would be a fabulous day. "Right away Sir, thank you Sir." She set to work to make them both an omelette. 

They ate in relative silence, and then Chamile set about to clean up the dishes. At that moment, Sheryl walked in. She was one of the house's many slaves, but had been there a long time. She was damn near a Domme herself. Mark reached over and pinched her butt through her bikini bottom. Lucky Sheryl was free to tan by the pool most days, and that is where you were most likely to find her too. "Sheryl squealed in playful delight and made a swatting gesture at his hand. "Oh you," Her gaze turned to Chamile, "What is she doing out of her cage?" Her tone was filled with arrogance. "Now Sheryl, be nice to your new sister slut. Today she will be raking up the BBQ area. It has all kinds of leaves that have gathered out there. The servants weren't able to clean up after last night's pool party yet either. Oh and you will have to meet our newest addition a little later." Marked informed her. "Tsk, another one? That Lucian has a real problem ya know," Sheryl retorted back with attitude not permitted by Chamile or other lower slaves. She rolled her eyes and then said to Chamile in a rather snotty tone, "Well hoochie, you better not get any of those damn leaves in the pool, or I am likely to drown you in it..." Then she gave Chamile's head a playful shove. As a lower slave, Chamile was expected to respect those who were higher ranking than herself, even if they were just a slave like her. "Yes Ms, Sheryl, as you wish." Chamile said in a monotone that reflected her disdain for Sheryl.

Sheryl was Miss Lorainna's pet and was rather spoiled. The two had become close friends over the course of time and were often seen lotioning each other up on the patio chairs or tanning nude side by side lately. Only Miss Lorainna was allowed to correct or punish Sheryl, and it showed. Since that almost never happened. "Watch that tone bitch or I will have Miss Lorainna handle you." Sheryl sniped. Chamile just lowered her eyes and went back to the task at hand.  

Sheryl snorted, looked Chamile up and down, spit on some of her clean dishes,then walked out the back door to take her perch by the pool. "Fucking harpy.." Chamile muttered under breath. " That's right go sit on your little perch and bake, hope you get skin cancer." A hand at the base of her neck brought her back to reality. Mark was standing behind her holding her neck in his palm. "Is that how to talk about your superiors?" He asked her calmly. "No Sir," Chamile replied submissively. "I will let it slide this time, Just be mindful of your place. Now rewash these dishes so you can go to work." 

Chamile looked up at the the clock, it read 11:30 am. She wondered what day of the week it was. Was it Friday or Saturday? Oh well, no matter. She quickly washed the dishes dried them and put them away to avoid having something arise to make her wash them a third time. That all done Mark Led her to the BBQ area of the large and spacious yard.

The pool was inviting and crystal clear. The temperature outside was already pretty warm, so she really wished she could just dip her bare feet into it. The hot tub was bubbling away and looked relaxing. Chamile looked at them longingly. "Hey slut, pay attention over here." Marked snapped his fingers in front of her face. "Sorry sir," she turned her attention to what he had been saying. "So if you were listening you would know that I need you to rake up all these leaves and put them in these black bags." He waved them at her for show. "If you see trash pick it up and put it in these blue bags." Using his other hand he waved the blue bags at her. "Got it, slut?" 

Chamile replied, "Leaves black bag, trash blue bag, Sir... What about clothing?" she asked as they passed over some forgotten panties. Mark looked at what Chamile was observing. "Trash it" he said with a grimace. He then led her over to the Gazebo picnic area nearby and showed her where she could get water from. He pointed at the water cooler kept there. There was a garden hat on the picnic table. Mark instructed her to wear it. "If you get sunburned, you will be punished whore." Mark looked her intently in the eyes. Chamile grabbed the hat, plopped it on her head and smiled innocently at him. Laughter exploded from him like a cannon. "You're so cute, I see why Lucian likes you." His tone dropped to a serious one, "Now get to it. Rake and scoops are in the supply closet just there." He turned her around to see the supply closet shed. 

She headed over to get the rake and other things she would need. The manicured grass felt cool and soft on her feet. The early summer air smelled of sweet flowers. There was a gentle breeze kissing her cheeks and tousling a few stray strands of hair that escaped her pony tail. It felt really nice in the shade of the gazebo and she wished she could just sit at the tables and watch the clouds roll by.

Mark of course would see that she did not get to do anything of the sort. He was even equipped with his little black riding crop. He held two fingers at his eyes, then turned them to point at her as a signal that he was indeed watching her. He dragged a lawn chair to sit under a shady tree where he could observe her every move in comfortable ease. 

-----------------------------------------------------

Lydia cried out in agony as yet another strike of the Bitch-slayer landed on her reddened and sore back. "How many cunt?" Lucian demanded.  "Eight..." a sobbing Lydia blubbered back. "Eight... what?" he prompted her. "Eight, Sir," she corrected her mistake. She was sobbing sincerely and hurt all over. Why oh why did she not just mop up the pee with her hair? She just had to defy him and tell him to piss off. Now she wished she was at home watching her HBO show and eating popcorn, smoking a fatty. "Umm, Sir..." Lydia looked back at him with pleading eyes. "What?" Lucian snapped. "Sir, I have to go pee-pee." His expression softened a little. Lucian walked over to his newest slave. Her bound body turned him on. Seeing her arms stretched, bound to the top of the St. Andrews cross. Her feet bound to the bottom leaving her legs spread. The welts of his Bitch-slayer marking his property. He had been going rather easy on her even. He put his hand to her heated flesh gently. Lydia cringed as the touch was like wild fire. "How do you, a slave, ask me, your Master, to go pee?" His voice was soothing now that he was pleased with his work. His breath tickled the back of her neck. She had a flash back to when he had grabbed her and shivered. "Please Sir, may this slave creature go pee-pee?" There was urgency in her voice now. She had no idea how long she had been trapped down here.

"Hmm..." Lucian pretended to think on it seriously for a moment, drawing out his torture of her. "Maybe I should just cath. you..." he said aloud and watched for her reaction. 

She felt one of his hands cup her bare ass firmly. "Lucian, Sir, right now I really don't care, just please help me get it empty, pleeease." Was she really begging a man to let her pee? What choice did she really have? If she peed on the floor, he might just make her lick it up this time.

Lucian walked away and it sounded as though he was rummaging through a pile of stuff somewhere behind her. He returned with a large five gallon plastic bucket. He dropped it in a spot where she could see it from her position on the cross. "I want something from you before I take you down and let you pee in this bucket. " Lucian's voice was solemn and low. "When I let you down, you are to bow before me and promise to be more obedient from now on." He grabbed her by her chin and looked deep into her eyes. His gaze felt like a river of fire running through her veins. She could get lost in it, she thought. He had very dark eyes, nearly black. They were intense and seemed to capture her very soul.  

"Then, after you have done this, you may pee in that bucket there." He continued to hold her gaze. Lydia closed her eyes to break the spell he seemed to have over her and nodded agreeably. "Good, girl." Lucian praised. It was so nice to hear his voice gentle again. 

Lucian first released her feet. He began with the right one. As he reached for her bonds, he let his finger trace a path from her ankle and up the inside of her thigh. He touched her where she was now all wet. Her slippery folds invited a finger to slide inside. Lydia's sudden intake of breath, urged him on. He pushed it deeply inside with a quick movement. He loved how her body responded to him. She was electric. He pumped his finger slowly at first, building speed. Then a little faster She began to moan and whimper. He could feel her muscles inside tightening around his finger. He yanked it out abruptly. "No you may not cum, slut." He wore a wicked grin. He finished releasing her and helped her down gently.

Lydia let out a sigh of relief. Her legs would not hold her weight, she felt faint, lost consciousness and she collapsed into his arms. His strength held her and he lowered her listless body to the floor.

She was not out for but a moment. It took her a moment to regain her awareness. Oh right, she has to pee. She rolled into a bowing position, "I promise to be more obedient from now on Sir. I promise. " Lucian watched her amused with himself. She was coming along much faster than any of his other girls he trained. "Good slut, now pee if you must." He pushed the bucket closer to her.

At this point in time Lydia did not care, she was just so happy to have relief.  A few days ago, if you had told her she would be peeing into a bucket, naked in front of a man claiming to be her Master, she would have laughed hysterically.  Now here she is doing just that. "How long have I been here, Sir?" Lydia asked suddenly, still squatting over her bucket. Lucian crossed his arms over his chest and leaned on the table. "Just since last night, doll." His gaze never left her. "What are your plans with me, with us?" She remembered Chamile. She hoped Chamile was doing better than herself right now. "Whatever I want." was his cool reply. Lucian went to another part of the room and again rummaged through a box of things.

Lydia plopped down on her side on the cool floor and waited to see what was next. It felt good not to have that crushing shackle on her foot anymore. Lucian returned to her side and commanded "Sit up slut." She rose up and he placed a chainmail collar around her neck. It was well made and felt heavy and cold. He pad locked it with a very small Master lock. The key he tucked into the pocket of his pants. "This means that you belong to me now, and you may not remove it without my specific permission. It is welded steel and it is not likely you could break it off, but just the same." Lucian took a step back to admire her new accessory. 

Lydia put her hand to feel her new necklace. She liked how it moved with her and the weight felt good around her neck, almost like it always belonged there.

"So little miss sexykitten420, I am glad I met you." Lucian studied her face for it to dawn on her. Lydia got chills up her spine. This was her online friend? She only used that name with one person... "Beatyoudown137?" She exclaimed? "How did you even find me?" She cried out now terrified again. "Oh, oops, Sir," she added as an afterthought. Lucian laughed heartily. "That, sexkitten is none of your business. All that matters is, I did, and now you belong to me." Lucian handed Lydia another thermos. She looked at it horrified. "It's ok, I promise it is really water this time, filled it while you were still under the drug." He said laughing at her suspicion. She took it nervously, and opened the lid. She sniffed it and took a tiny little sip. Smelled like water. Tasted like water. Lydia began to gulp it down greedily as though she had been lost in the desert for days and was only just found. 





((To be continued when I have time.))


 

 

 


5/19/2014 9:15:31 AM
"Into the sea of waking dreams, I follow without pride..." ~Evans Blue

5/17/2014 9:38:10 AM

 

 

Cow 
To see a cow in your dream symbolizes your passive and docile nature. You obey others without question. Alternatively, a cow represents maternal instincts or the desire to be cared for. For some cultures, the cow represents divine qualities of fertility, nourishment and motherhood.

To see the skeleton of a cow suggests that your mother or motherly figure in your waking life is displaying a lack of emotions. She is being unresponsive to your needs.

To see a herd of cows indicates your need to belong.�

To dream that you are milking a cow represents your willingness and drive to work hard. In the end, you will benefit from your hard work.


 

 

 


5/15/2014 12:56:38 PM


5/15/14- Training In Progress

 

So today I have been set upon the task of writing on the importance of total obedience without question to a Master from a slave. This is a difficult topic for me as I am only a novice when it comes to this lifestyle, barely over a noob. I grew up in the “question everything” era. So, to surrender completely without question, to obey no matter what, this is a relatively new concept to try to live by. Perhaps though, if I let my heart wander, the words will come. I do so want to be a good slave, though this journey is not without it's difficulties.

To admit that I may not do as I please anymore, only to live to please Him, is my most deepest desire, and my most fearsome struggle. It is the goal I aim for and continue to strive to reach, if only I could get out of my own way and let myself pass through. Never has there been such internal conflict. I am literally torn in half on this matter. However, this is not today's topic, so let me get back to that.

For this to work I must delve deep into what drives me to want to be a slave in the first place. I must examine the true Master/slave dynamic, and explore what this all means to the One I serve, as well as for myself. Master originally was defined as, one who is qualified to teach apprentices. As well as, one who holds authority over another. Slave is defined as, a person who is owned by someone. This is not a big revelation I am aware, but take this journey with me and maybe we can all learn something.

So, a slave is owned by someone, this makes them in a true sense of the word, property. When I think of this I can only relate to owning my dog or my cat, since I have never owned a person. When I tell my dog “NO!” I want him to respect that. He is my property, my pet... I expect him to obey me or he faces the consequences of a scolding. When I call my dog, I need for him to come to me right away. Sometimes it is for his own safety even. As a willing slave, committed to reaching excellence, I can see a similarity here. Master, at least a good one, wants His slave to become the best she can be. Sometimes a slave may not always understand the reason for some actions, much as my dog doesn't always know why I call him. It is important for her though, to trust Him and believe He has a purpose and a plan. To become what her Master wishes, she must follow His plan, and obey His wishes, even if it makes little or no sense at the time. (This is applicable only to safe, sane and consensual arrangements, and not for situations of true abuse.) She must trust that He knows what He is doing even if she has not seen the bigger picture laid out for her. She is His and has chosen to surrender to Him. In that surrender comes obedience.

I believe there is true happiness to be found in the lifestyle choice of slavery. At least, for those called to submit to someone else. I am one of those. I have chosen this, to surrender and become someone's property. I must learn to put my own wants, desires and sometimes even needs aside to serve those of another. It is important because I made the commitment, it is my end of the bargain.

To question authority, is in many ways, arrogant. It is saying that you think you are more important than the greater good, or those who were chosen to rule and make the rules. A slave is really no one who should be questioning the one she chose to have authority over her. If you question the one you chose to call Master, then aren't you saying you don't trust their judgments? In a sense then, you really don't trust them at all. That then becomes a weak link in the dynamic, and without proper recognition, could lead to catastrophe for the relationship. This lifestyle is nothing but cruelty and hedonism without the trust.

I have then come to the conclusion that the best way a slave can show her Master she trusts Him is to give over to the surrender and let Him take the lead as it was meant to be. Her obedience to Him is her truest gift, and show of love and adoration. It now dawns on me that now that I have written this and become aware of it, I am now accountable to it as well...

 


5/14/2014 12:26:52 PM

 

Today I have something special to post. 

~Submission is the act of surrendering power to another. 

~Slavery is the act of surrendering everything over to another. To place your life completely into their hands. 

Oath of a slave

My Lord, my King, I give myself to thee

All that I am or ever could be

I kneel before you a humble slave

Allow you to dictate how I shall behave

My Lord, my King I give you everything

My breath, my voice, even the life I bring

This body I submit unto your control

Take hold of my heart, yes, even my soul

My Lord, my King, forever I shall obey you

My will I surrender and all I've held on to

This life now yours, bend me to your desires

Please light within me slave passion fires 


copyrights pending 2014

Dedicated to He who owns me

 


5/13/2014 8:41:09 AM

 

"...Here is to love, hate, promises, and lies..."

~Queensryche

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pyiHe2P5irA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3wNopYS8YE

This morning the air was crisp and cool, refreshed after a spring snow. The early morning rays of sun warming my face. It feels as though I have just awoke from a long winter's hibernation. I am alive, awake and hungry... always so hungry. Today there was something new in the air, something I can not place. Whatever it is, it feels amazing. 

Yet still is that lingering feeling of danger lurking in the shadows. Well I say, "Let us dance, shall we?" At a ball unlike any other. I did not just fall off the slave wagon yesterday, ya know. I know how to play this game. It is always a game, just a matter of learning the rules. I know what it is men desire...

All that aside, it is nice to feel alive again. To once again view the world in all its colors. Vivid and striking. Welcome back to the world of waking dreams, haha! 

Do not worry though friends, I come from a land of the shield maidens who fought alongside their men, maybe even more savagely. I have learned a thing or two along this journey. *wink*

Catch me if you dare, Rule me if you can, lead and I will follow...(I crave it, need it, want it so bad.)

Always,

Shaquaela Ravynsoul Fireheart

 


5/12/2014 3:02:46 PM

 

So much energy flowing in me now I can barely contain it. Brimming with life like a busy bee hive. Something incredible has taken place. Something I want to just savor and keep all to my self right now. Just know that I am happier than I have been in eons, ages, millennia!!! Well, so it seems anyways. I am happy today and nobody is going to take it from me. I will fight for it to the death. I will defend it more savagely than a mother bear fighting for her cubs. No one will come near it. 

I thought I would never again get another chance. I thought it had gone forever. But the gods have smiled on me again, and given me something. So now you have been warned haha. Right now it is mine, all mine. Ya I know a bit theatrical, but hey that is what my fans have come to expect, so I deliver. Don't I? Yes, yes I do...and don't forget it! :P Peace, joy and blessings.

 


5/10/2014 3:33:31 PM

 

I am amused and today, have a much needed drink of life energy! A dark knight rode in to save the day. Yet, I can not shake this lingering feeling that I some how flirt with danger. Why, oh why, do I like to tempt fate so? At any rate, it is nice to be smiling again, and to have that spring in the step. My naughty little secret. So passionate, dark and smooth like creamy, delicious chocolate. Goes down easy and leaves you wanting more. Something not easily forgotten or put aside once the craving has begun. Once you have that first sweet taste. It calls until finally you have it once again. Never ending.

I am left in such a state of peace, but with this twist. To make it last gotta have more. It feels like it will never end because I will always want more. Eternal hunger only satiated when it has what it desires. Today was one of those days. I think, I shall sleep like the dead this night, soul is at peace...at least, for now.

 


4/21/2014 6:13:49 AM

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=glh7ZqeGh6g

It is like new life has been breathed into my soul. Like the warmth of the sun melts the frigid winter away, so too is my heart beginning to thaw after what feels like ages. As one chapter of this chaotic life ends, a new one begins. An ever winding and curving river, complete with rapids, and waterfalls, gentle slopes and unexpected obstacles. This has come not a moment too soon to, I so needed it. 

I think for now I am just going to lie back and enjoy the ride. It is nice to once again feel some semblance of balance after such a savage storm nearly tore me apart. I guess you could say I am not only stronger, but a little wiser too. I have kicked the dust off, picked up the pieces and will rebuild on more solid ground. Looking forward with great expectations to see what will unfold. A special thank you to those who lent a helping hand along the way. Cheers!

 


4/16/2014 11:56:25 AM


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=raV_hSyQyls

The winds are changing. A new energy has come to me, it is smooth, wild and fierce all at the same time. Like a shot of good whiskey, burning a trail all the way down. Perhaps I have spent too long in mourning for that which should remain dead to me. I believe I will step into this new glimmer in the shadows. It is long past time to turn my attentions elsewhere. 

I feel so exotic and revived. Erotic thoughts flow and swirl around me. Ones so taboo I dare not speak of them. Darker and dirtier than any I know. A voice has answered my calls in the night! Such a dance, vibrant and free. No more cares, no worries. I cast them away all. Fire burning in my loins once again. So this is what it feels like. Been so long I nearly forgot the heat of desire. 

I can see myself being led upon a dainty but no less strong, leash by a Lord of Darkness. Graceful, obedient, so very eager to please. Dripping wet with passion's juices. Okay okay you pervs... it is my fantasy and not everyone is privy to it! 

To the one who stoked my fire, "catch me if you dare, rule me if you can and I could be Yours..."

 


4/14/2014 9:31:16 AM


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHnsAGG9TD4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04F4xlWSFh0

 

A blood lust has come over me. So strong I can taste it in my mouth. It comes with a driving rage.  I sank my teeth into a juicy rare steak yesterday, seems to have only empowered the feeling. It took great will power not to inhale that bloody meat like a ravenous wolf.

A few days ago I was walking my dog down some old abandoned road near my house and came upon a poorly hidden sawed off shot gun. Holding that gun in my hands made me feel somehow strong, like I could take on anything. It was a dangerous feeling. I thought of all the wrong done to me and how easy I could bring them to their knees begging me, instead of the other way around. How the mighty would fall! 

As a child I grew up out in the sticks somewhere in the middle of the Mojave desert. I was raised knowing how to shoot and was told shoot to kill, as dead men tell no lies. My heart pounded in my chest hard as I thirsted for vengeance. Imagining those who broke me, who tore me down and made me cry; crying for their miserable lives before me. I saw red, quite literally as if wearing some tinted shades or something. it felt like the gun had been mine all along, felt like it was meant for me. 

I took it home and gave it to my Master for safe keeping. Someone like me should not have such power in my little hands. I always told myself I would not own one because if I had it, I would use it. Truly, now I have it I DO want to use it.

Later that same day I saw a vision out my living room window of a white ram with a beautiful full curled rack, two full curls and the start of a third. He was magnificent, but then I blinked and it was just the grass and tree. I ponder the meaning of all this. It would appear FATE has stepped in somehow.

Today an energy courses in me that is hard to tame. Driving and wild, fierce and angry. Thirsty. The wild animal killer in me wants to come out and play. I told them not to push me, I begged them, please don't break my tender heart. They pushed and maybe, just maybe the band has snapped? Very little holds back this animal within right now.

I wonder, how would THEY like being so helpless, so full of fear? How would they feel? Terrified? I would laugh at their pitifullness. Make them dance for me, make them beg. I can't help but be even a little frightened of my own feelings right now. Where is this coming from? Is this really who I am? Bullied too far, pushed too hard? Left behind more times than I can count. For what? Undying loyalty? Being worshiped like a god? Ya how terrible.

Perhaps I should be wary of this new me. I think all the years of hurt have just piled up. A person can only carry so much. Broken I was, but now I become that which turns on her captors. Turning on those who claimed to need me, want me, yes even love me. LIES I scream! LIES. Stop feeding me lies. Those who said they would be there. Those who said they would take my hand. Where the hell have they all gone? Fair weather friends. Well, I have this to say, watch the shadows, be afraid for I am coming for you. Tick, tick, tick, that's the sound of your lives running out! Even if only in your worst nightmares. 

Haunt your dreams I can...

 

 

 

 


4/7/2014 7:37:14 AM


SILENT TEARS

An angel falls down from so high in the sky

Without her wings to hold her she is doomed to die

Taken away is her Master's sweet cherished love

On the ground she lies broken, a wounded dove

Ravished and torn is she from so deep inside

Ripped and clawed the beast devours from soul to hide

Inconsolable are her many silent tears

Locked in mental prison for so many years

Her thoughts compare to bars holding her so tight

She screams and she hollers into the cold dark night

Laughter answers her from shadows in the darkness

A punishment given in all it's harshness

As the whip falls against her bare naked skin

Redemption is discovered, transformed from her sin


copyright 2013

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-F5bwb6hWA

 


4/7/2014 7:20:16 AM

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04F4xlWSFh0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxujAPhxlo0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPU8OAjjS4k

Today I begin with some songs. Music is such an outlet I think. Thank you to those who messaged me about my last post. I was touched. They say whatever does not kill you only makes you stronger. 

Today it is strength that carries me. Survival instincts maybe. What has emerged from the ashes is beginning to suit the newer me. I call her Ravynsoul. Why you ask? I will tell you a true story that happened just a few days ago. I was sitting on my back patio enjoying the dawning of spring and a small group of ravens flew over head and perched themselves on a rooftop adjacent to me. They cawed at me for quite some time. Flying in turns over me. There were 4 of them. They would fly one pass over me and then return to the rooftop, the next bird would do this and so on. This was very unusual. Since I do not speak the language of birds, I have no idea what they were trying to communicate, though it seemed clear to me that they were indeed making some attempt. After the 4 birds each made a fly by over me they all left. I have not seen them since. 

I believe in the world of magic, in this world the earth/universe/Gods give us signs, omens... Many ancient tribal peoples took vision quests and animals that came to them were helpers, soul brothers. The raven is often seen as a messenger of magic from the great void where all knowledge waits for us. He is also the symbol of changes in consciousness, of levels of awareness and of perception. He carries the mark of the shape-shifter, and carries healing energy from great distances.  So in light of this I have taken the name of Ravynsoul. 

I have much Viking heritage in my blood and the raven to them was the sign of the God Odin, the form Odin took on this plane. This all gives me much to think on and research. In years gone by I have had strong bonds with a few other types of animals. Wolf, panther and lion... Perhaps this is a sign of turning tides, change of fortune. A sign that I do not walk this path alone, destiny walks beside me. 

I suppose I share this with you all as some have been following my writings and I want you all to know that while I have journeyed to the very abyss, the story does not end there. Darkness took me, but it is not my enemy. For what would it be to walk in light if we did not ever pass through some darkness? The sun will rise again, but until then I will enjoy the night, besides when else can you view the beauty of the stars?

 

 

 


2/24/2014 7:10:16 AM

Time for something recent. Well into a new year. Last year took so much from me that I am left feeling so hollow. I have learned some disheartening things about mankind and the damage can't be undone. 

The animal in me rages but to what end? For what purpose? Is it really better to forgive and forget? Turn the other cheek? The submissive side of me is so tired of being taken advantage of. She is so soft, so timid, so willing. But she is no fool, at least not for long. Tricked, deceived, broken, tattered and torn, beaten, but why for? Because someone with power could, that is why. The impact is devastating, and has my inner world in utter chaos. Leaving behind a huge crater, a void that can not be filled again. Or can it?

Something out there calls to me. I can hear it in my soul, feel it. Fear holds me in place. Fear of the unknown. Such inner conflict. I keep trying to pick up the broken pieces, but lack the desire to. Where has it gone? That fire that burned? The passion? So cold. Perhaps these things lie dormant, hibernating and waiting for just the right conditions? 

I begin to build walls, to hide behind. Safe, solid, strong. Something comforting in the coldness of the stone. No surprises, it is predictable. Fortress comes to mind. You better believe the archers are in position too, ready to snipe any one who gets too close. I have lost my trust in humanity, and it is a sad day. I have learned that people will say and do anything to get what they want, no matter the cost or who they trample along the way. Honor seems to have died. Wickedness closes in and snuffs out all the light. A ghost in the darkness came and stole my soul, leaving me empty and cold. A predator whose face shall haunt my dreams forevermore. A melodic voice that captured my very essence, now gone like ashes in the wind. leaving me scorched and singed, smoldering. lost in eternal damnation, fire and brimstone. My soul it wails in anguish as the devil laughs. A heart shattered like fragile glass, all that was good devoured. 

Walking the land as living dead, never satiated. Thirsting always for what is just out of reach. The aching hunger within consuming all rational thought. Time has no meaning anymore. The aching hunger my eternal friend. I raise my hands to the sky and summon lightning, crashing, deafening thunder. I shall have my revenge if it takes lifetimes. What is left but to pass the torch of pain on as it was passed to me, and the disease grows. Spreading without mercy. Insanity envelopes the mind slowly, like creeping death. Don't tell me that one person can't change the world. One person changed mine, changed me, then left me. Now in darkness I am reborn. Everything is different, yet the same. How I miss the innocent days of serenity. Ignorance truly is bliss. Once answers are learned, they can not be unlearned.

Once the truth is discovered, there is no turning back. Better not to begin the path at all, than to start it and not finish it. I can only ride this out now and see what unfolds. I chased the white rabbit, and like alice fell down the rabbit hole. Don't chase white rabbits, they only lead you to trouble...


8/20/2013 2:30:13 PM

Ok So I wrote this Entry a long while back, but it seems to need to be stated again as it is becoming a real aggravation...

From: 8/20/2012 

You know what burns my ass? I will tell you. Doms that come on too strong in the beginning and act as if they are Dom of the world. "slave log on to yahoo NOW!" "girl I want to meet you ASAP!" "Do as I say..."

I think to myself, "you don't f-ing own me, dammit." I Have made no commitments to you. I am not yours to order about or command. Yes, I may be sub, even slave, but not to you. I may be respectful and call you Sir, but that does not give you any right to order me around or try to control who I chat with or when I log on to my computer. The world does not revolve around you, certainly not mine. 

I get really annoyed by these types. It is one thing if we make an agreement to work closely together, for you to train me....whatever. But DO NOT come into my life and expect me to revere you and fall on my face before you in awe and admiration because you call yourself a master or a dominant.

Whew glad to get all that off my chest. I am sorry to rant like this but it really has become a big problem. I just feel like so many need a reality check, ya know?

Just wanted to put it out there to all of you who think you are gods gift to women, and you know who you are! In my book respect, awe, admiration, and my submission all have to be earned. How do you earn that? its easy really, just show respect, be dominant yes, because that is what you are and that is what I like about you, but don't expect me to put my life on hold for you. Don't expect me to bow to you or kneel for you, or drop my life to jump on cam for you. Don't tell me what time to to get up and be online for you. Until I make a verbal or written agreement with you, YOU DON'T FUCKING OWN ME!!! I will be online, when my schedule permits and you can chat when I am there. There I said it.


5/25/2013 8:41:25 PM

I get asked a lot about what all my tattoos mean and what they are of. So here is a list of them and what they mean to me.

on my hips: A set of vampire fangs emerging from black smoke, dripping with fresh blood. for my vicious and animal nature. The second one is of a panther climbing a vine of roses. One bleeding rose for each of my sons. 

On my breasts: A delicate rose with a sword penetrating it, bleeding. For the reminder that love always hurts. The second one, a heart with with wings and a sword embedded deep inside, a reminder that wounds heal but are never forgotten.

On my pussy: an open heart with wings that reminds me that sometimes we really can fly if we are open to it.

On my back: a dragon clutching a bleeding heart, one drop for each of my children. He is to remind me of who is truly my Master in this life, and that he holds all the cards. On my right shoulder sits a naked fairy whispering to the moon all her secrets, from the moons edge hangs an ankh with a pentagram in its center. This is for my whimsical side and magical nature, reminding me that I am never alone so long as life flows in my veins.

 

5/25/2013 7:50:34 PM

Sometimes the best gifts in life are the ones we already have...

Some events have taken place in my life that have me taking a second look at what is truly around me. Perhaps I have been hasty in my wanting to leave it all behind. I think sometimes we get stuck in a rut and think we just want to escape it. When really the life we have is pretty good after all. 

Don't get me wrong I still long for that awesome adventure of a lifetime, it is just that, after reconsidering everything, maybe I am already having it? Just not in the form I expected it to be in. 

Maybe sometimes we get our wildest wishes but, because it is not quite how we envisioned it, we fail to see the beauty we live in. I don't know, maybe I have no clue what I am talking about. Or maybe I am just settling because "happily everafter" does not really exist out there.

At any rate a calmness has settled over me... for the time being. Perhaps the fantasy is really better than the reality anyway. Perhaps I had my expectations too high? But why shouldn't they be? Am I giving up? I think for a time, I might be. I am tired of hunting and searching for what may not even exist. But you have tasted it... A voice inside me taunts me. Yes, I have tasted of something I can not explain or even make any sense of. It took a hold of me and changed my world. How does one recover from something like that? How do you just go on without it? Knowing what you really want, maybe even need, is out there somewhere but, not within your reach? I do not have answers, only more questions. 

So I pick up the pieces I have left and walk forward into the unknown, into the blackness before me, along a path I fear to tread. Curiosity drives me, a hunger, a craving. It is utter madness! Yet onward I plunge into territory that even angels would fear to go. A light in the cold abyss. There is a chance it will forever claim me as it's own. Never to return to the world I once knew. But I have come too far to turn back now... I must trudge on hoping that along my way a hand will guide me, not let me get lost. I must confess though that I feel very lost, alone. Only time will tell what will come of the decisions I have made, and for the ones made for me. 

What a story I will have to tell someday of my decent into darkness. Fraught with dangers and unforeseen comforts, kindnesses from strangers. A story of betrayal by those trusted, and guiding lights from the strangest of sources. Romance, passion and utter despair. Chaos accompanied  by peace, and friends in high places. Inner torment and forsaking all I thought I knew. Yes it is possible I am having the adventure of a lifetime even now as I write this. I did not see it before. How can I in pitch black? I suppose my next wish should be for illumination of the path in which I find myself walking now? Would I like what I would see? Would I discover a deception? Do I care anymore? That is really the bigger question I think. Perhaps ignorance really is bliss, and I would like seconds please...


5/16/2013 3:19:03 PM

UGH! What is up with these people who don't bother to read the profile and then ask dumb questions that could be answered by reading my profile!?! I wrote my profile to answer all the necessary questions. I did not write it for my health. I wrote it for you all so please do me the proper honor and READ it! LOL, of course the ones that really need to read this won't bother to...So ya... my rant.

How can a person consider themselves Dominant and in charge of someone else if they are too lazy to even read a profile. It is very telling of that person's nature and what kind of Dom they will be. Us subs (at least the smart ones) have to read between the lines. So many will promise the world to get what they want and then once you are under their thumb, too bad...it is what they want now and the poor sub is at their mercy. Well I don't fall for it. I read all the signals, intended or otherwise.

As a submissive I have to test temperament, honor, the ability to handle stressful situations, how well a potential Dom takes charge of the moment, intelligence... the list goes on but those are the main things I look for first. I am not going to surrender my free will to a person who can not manage their own lives for sure. Ya, like they will be able to manage me any better? I doubt it. So I get confused at Doms who are lazy, they don't want a lazy sub. I got turned down once because when asked about my fetishes I suggested reading my fetish list, posted here for convenience, and was told that since I was too lazy to even write about them, I was no longer desired.  So there is a double standard?

If I am going to serve with my all, then I want to be Dominated in the same fashion. It is a two way street no matter how you look at it. Give and take. So many want to take, use and discard. It is easy to be the one to take and use, but to give of oneself willing for the purposes of another, is a true gift. That takes much more effort than being selfish. To live it 24/7 and offer always of yourself to the desires of someone else is no easy task. To serve some one else is to leave behind your own desires and wants so as to please. I am so turned off by how many will take that for granted and abuse others who were trusting. Then wonder why they are not getting all the respect they feel they deserve. Can we say Delusions? I knew that you could.

Being a Dom is so much more than just "gimme, gimme, gimme." Well at least it should be. A true Dom takes care of someone who is selfless and serving. they should respect and honor their sub(s). Being a True Dom or Master is also no easy task. To take someone's life in your hands is a big responsibility and should not be taken lightly. I am so tired of mind games. For me this lifestyle is not a game. I take it seriously and wish to learn all I can about serving and pleasing. I am sickened by what I have seen in so many people these days. It is enough to make one just stop reaching out. 

As a slave I don't to get to take sick days, I don't get to decide that today is just gonna be a me day. I have duties and chores and they need doing everyday. I cook and clean and organize and schedule. Sometimes I think how nice it would be to sit on the couch while my dinner is made and served to me just the way I like it. To have someone else do all the clean up and dishes. Then to whisk me away to the bedroom after for a nice long massage... But that is not the reality of a slave is it? Not as far as I have seen or talked with people about. Everyone wants to be Dom and reap all the benefits. We all want a slave of our own don't we? All I am saying is just that if you intend to call yourself dominant or Master, then take time to remember the hard work of your sub, and the sacrifices made for you. If you are dom and find yourself unable to keep a sub maybe reflect on how you treat subs, and remember that slavery is a gift not a right. 


5/8/2013 12:00:08 PM

Songs seem to capture my thoughts and feelings better than I can express them as of late so here is another link to my flavor of the day

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6oKiK1KhQs


5/2/2013 3:36:27 PM

A song to suit my mood...

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJXEerT4TCk


4/26/2013 7:35:44 PM

Today all the colors seem dull. Almost black and white. There seems to be little to hold on to. I feel like if I died today no one would even miss me for years. I am nothing, no one, a shadow under cover of darkness. Invisible. A cruel punishment for an adrenaline junkie like myself. To have so much stillness. Where is all the excitement, the passion, the desire?? I will tell you, it left along with my muse. Now I am just empty and hollow. He said I would be. I believe him now. 

I suppose I could just curl up in a small corner and wait for death to take me, but even he does not want me. I guess that is what I get for daring to hope, to dream. It is getting harder and harder to tell dream from waking life anymore. The days blur together. Time has lost all meaning to me. I took a leap and landed flat on my face. Fitting for a slave such as I. 

The cynical nature side of me taunts me and harasses me with no mercy. Lost inside my world of thoughts. All jumbled and chaotic. So contrary to my painfully dull life. My animal nature gnaws at me to stir up some adventure. But I am still smarting from my last attempt at adventure. So perhaps the quiet safety is best for now, as I heal from my spiritual wounds. Forever doomed to sulk in the shadows. 

Will I ever feel like I did again? Will that shiver ever twist down my spine again? Will the heat of passion ever carry me away? Will I ever find myself yielding to a stolen kiss? Or will I be washed down the river of despair? Forever broken by love's cruel hand? Tears want to well up in my eyes but I won't grant them the satisfaction. Who do they fall for anyways? One who was undeserving of them. I will not let them be wasted on such a careless handler. Instead I will let my anger rise up. Let my thoughts of vengeance take hold. It will give me strength to keep walking on, down the lonely road in which I travel. The lone wolf gone rogue.

I won't let it show, but my soul is bleeding, weeping and wailing in agony. I suppose if it did not break me it will only serve to make me yet stronger... or so they say. 

 

 

Shadow's Revenge

 

Angry shadows prowl in the night

These blood-lust urges I do fight

Crimson liquid pools at my feet

The taste of revenge is oh so sweet

Razor claws slide across the back

Never did you sense my attack

Ivory fangs piercing the skin

Never should I have let you in

Razor claws glide over the throat

By my hand you have now been smote

When the black cat moves across your path

Know that you shall suffer her wrath


*copyright


3/24/2013 1:36:32 PM

Danger is exciting, isn't it? Walking along that razor's edge, so careful not to slip. Not to fall and make yourself bleed. Especially when the wolves are just outside the door. Sniffing, snorting and snarling. Pawing at the cracks to get inside. Their hot breath disturbing the dust on the floor. What do they want with me? Why have they hunted me

Oh that's right I lured them here. Called by a song carried in the wind. A song from my depths. I am one of them. I belong with them. A beast inside a beautiful body. Drawn into the night. 

Powerful chains bind me here. The darkness calls but I can not answer. Captured, enslaved, locked in a cage. The sadness fills me, my soul calls out. An enchanting song full of sorrow's passion. It carries out into the empty void, crossing over time and space. 

Will he answer? From everywhere and nowhere a song is sung back. Words and memories long forgotten in the many eons. Stories of yesterday, fragmented and broken. Love as a mist evaporated by the cruel sun. So many tears fallen, like stars hanging in blackness. Their story now just a fable haunting children's dreams.  

 


3/7/2013 3:06:40 PM

MESSAGE OF THE DAY: Believe the impossible, and dare to dream BIG!!!


3/5/2013 8:51:43 PM

 

 

I am feeling whimsical today. The urge to break out of the box is getting stronger. I was once told that "the box" is only in our minds. I suppose that is true. The only limits we have are the ones we set for ourselves. 

I cant wait for warmer weather so I can go out at night and enjoy the solitude it offers. Also I really need to go camping and have a big fire to dance around. Something so magical about fire. A small group of friends being outdoors, having a good time. Perhaps near a lake, rock music playing on the radio and maybe a few beers. A cool dip in the water caressing my bare naked skin. The air warm and comforting. The smell of barbecue and burning wood. 

I want to feel soft sand on my feet. Warm from a day baking in the sun. I want to gaze up at a sky full of brilliant stars twinkling in the night sky. I want to exhale an earthy, sweet, relaxing smoke. I want to feel like there isn't a care in the world that could pull me down from where I float. A nice juicy steak off the grill completes the picture. I want to frolic on the sandy shore line, laughing and splashing along the waters edge. So simple and yet it brings such happiness. 

I suppose I am a simple girl. I don't chase after diamonds and riches of the material world. I seek for simple pleasures and things and making memories that last a lifetime. Forming bonds that go deep. Nature's beauty and things that are pure.


3/5/2013 4:28:58 PM

Ghost Lover (part 1)

Crying out for life anew

Her soul inside bleeds for you

Life for her must come to an end

Or eternal agony she will tend

Deep in the night you hear her lonely cries

As everything once familiar slowly dies

The aching pain she'll bear no more

For out of her chest her heart is tore

Your attempted rescue is too late

Everywhere are the signs of her deadly fate

Prying loose the dagger she once gripped

You notice a small blood stained script

Glancing upon her ghostly face

The words written cause your heart to race

As her chilling presence enters the hollows

The note you hold reads as follows

Dig a grave, dig it deep

Place a statue at my feet

On the statue place a dove

Showing that I died for love


*copyright 2001


3/2/2013 8:59:07 PM

 

Something weighs heavily on me this evening. Or should I say someone. He touched me deeply in my heart and soul, like no one ever has, and I fear may never again. Never have I ached for anything like I do for him. I try and try to get him out of my mind, out of my dreams. Though the need is overpowering like the need to breathe or eat. I do not know how to be what he has asked of me. I have tried as hard as a slave girl can try.

I have poured my blood, sweat and tears into this endeavor, quite literally. In response I get silence until I think I will surely die from the absence. Then a moment of truth shines upon me and I think I must move forward, I must let go. I give up, all hope is lost. The sorrow it consumes me, devouring whole chunks of me. But I am a survivor, a fighter. I pick myself up off the floor and decide I am done. No more will he feed off my frantic energies. I go on my merry way thinking all will be alright. I live, I make a new way, follow a new path. Each day takes me farther away. Soon I am laughing and light hearted, forgetting.

Like all villains though, it does not end there. From the shadows he blind sides me, returning to shake me to my very core. Toying with me as a mere puppet, a plaything. A cat wounding it's prey, then fiddling with it for sport. Watching it make it's weary attempts to escape with it's life. A single claw holds it in place. The cat may even nap a wee bit as the poor mouse struggles. I wriggle and writhe, I can not get away.

It is like a drug to me. A very good drug that calls me back time and again. I can not get enough nor can I turn it down when offered. A child taking candy from a stranger. I am elated at his return, over joyed. A fog takes over me, clouding my vision. A voice in the fog commands me. I could not disobey if I wanted to. I don't want to though for obeying brings marvelous rewards beyond belief. Feelings that take me above even cloud 9. I fly with dragons. I am energized and renewed. I feel so alive. Orgasmic delights wash over me wave after wave.

Now I writhe but this time as a cat in heat, wanton, surrendering all that I am or ever could be. Laughter takes me, uncontrollable, delicious. I am drunk on a wine that is not of this world. My soul dances like a marionette on strings controlled by a handler. I am not myself and don't want to leave this piece of heaven I have been shown. Here I could spend eternity, blissful and elegant. Floating above the clouds.

Alas though all good things must end. So to does this. I awake to find myself back on earth, feet walking on solid ground. I look around and feel alone. Tears well up in my eyes. I can not blink them back, not even with all the will I possess. They flood me and pour out, silently, stinging my eyes with bitterness. A pain knots in my belly, an ache, a burning need. My breath catches in my throat, my heart races. Where did he go? Why did he leave? Will I see him again? I call out and cry; a child lost. Silence. Not a word. Not a touch. I have no choice but to wait. To watch, hopeful. A shadow moves in the distance, is it him? I squint, I can't see. I scream out loud "MASTER!" I feel watched but get no response. I fall to my face as low to the ground as a girl can get. I wait. Face in the dirt, tears mingling with the dust leaving my face stained with mud. what more can I do but wait, and watch... yearning in the darkness, until he shines his light upon me once again...


3/1/2013 11:00:49 PM

Salty, a bit sassy... I am blonde now I can be that way! Browse my photos and you will see. I am so bummed one can only post 14 pics here, blah! I want to put up more, I have so many good ones to share. 

 

Today I am feeling sultry and enchanting, sexy and alive. Still the wild cat I was a few days ago but on a lighter note. Perhaps it was today's 5 hr photo shoot that produced over 3,000 of some of my best pics. I am my own worst critic so I should know, haha. Today I could easily be a porn star! I feel like one, lol. I was forced to pic only a select few to share, but they are among my favorites. 

 

Anyways Live young and die hard. Or so they say. I want this life to be full of WOWS I actually did all that! I want to look back and say I really lived. That is after all what life is for. To live it. To experience things and feel and taste things you never would believe you could. I died once, I know. There is an after life, but I saw only a glimpse of it. Before being returned to my body I was told the secret to life. LIVE! Some would spell it backwards thus making it EVIL... Eh either way I am happy. I will leave this world knowing I LIVED, so what if they say I gave my soul to the DEVIL... haha food for thought hmm? chew slowly and savor it, enjoy every morsel and live like it is your last day on earth, you never know, it might just be!


2/26/2013 1:48:22 PM

Darkness pools all around me. The scent of evil in the air. Lost, forgotten, can't find my way. Always walking that line, that very fine line. It is my nature after all, so why wouldn't I?

Raw, unbridled, untamed, savage. She stalks in the shadows, waiting to pounce. To slash and tear, rip and bite. The call of the wild is strong and near. The night air is cold and frigid, relentless. The prey fearful and on high alert. The snow dampens any sound her black paws might make. She creeps in low to the ground. Tail swishing silently portraying her focus and her mood. She concentrates on the victim in front of her. She wets her lips with her tongue, the taste of blood upon them. She can't wait. Her ear twitches, feeling the breeze, listening. Her senses on overdrive. The air is sweet, the timing right. She is ready, her powerful legs launch her forward into the blackness of the night. Piercing screams break the silence, spine tingling...bone chilling, eerie and unhuman. Then a swift bite to the neck and all falls silent once again. Her breath leaves a mist trail as she exhales. She holds her prey tightly in her jaws, blood seeping out onto her warm, damp tongue. The metallic sweetness is a drug to her. A leap and both she and her kill disappear back into the shadows... in the shadows to feed, to quench her thirst, and dispel her hunger. She rips and tears in the black, cold. Her instinct appeased, for the time being...

I feel betrayed, deceived. I hurt inside and ache for something I can not find. Maybe I search in the wrong places? Maybe I am lost deep in the abyss. I want to scream out loud. I want to cry and weep out all that I feel. Instead the tears fall silently. I cant evade the feeling that I have fucked up somehow. 

Now I can not go back. I am not the person I was any longer. I am not sure what it is I have become or who. I am like a tiger caged, staring down my captor. Waiting for just the right moment to strike him down. He feels it when he looks into my eyes. How long can I hold back this beast? I fear it will completely devour me. I will lose myself in it. Forever...

 


2/25/2013 7:32:08 PM

SUICIDE BY LOVE 

Her heart is engulfed in so much sorrow

Can't see the dawning of a new tomorrow

Darkness grips the very essence of her soul

Rage it burns within her, a gaping hole

Those she's left behind, forever shall they weep

Crimson liquid down ivory slowly seeps

Vengeance for eternity now her own

Seeds of hateful fruits in her carelessly sewn

Heaven's light mercilessly choked from within

Death's hand comes searching for her once again

Her last breath escapes silently in the night

A soul free to wander; a wrong now made right


2/23/2013 10:49:25 AM

Leaps ... ... *hopes to God the landing is soft*


2/12/2013 11:14:48 AM

Today I feel like tempting fate. Today is a day to seek out danger and walk that line between life and death. There is an animal within me. One vicious and fierce, surrendering to only the most crafty of masters. Like a wolf caged in a zoo, I pace the cage that confines me looking for any weakness in the fence. The trainers that come to feed me be wary as I might just bite. My heart belongs to the wilds. The winds they call me, the night speaks to me. I live for the thrill of the hunt, the taste of the blood from the kill. I am a shadow in the night, stalking and creeping just beyond sight. Catch me if you can....


 


2/4/2013 10:39:42 AM

Where HE leads, she Follows

When HE speaks, she Listens

When HE commands, she Obeys

When HE cherishes, she Loves...


1/29/2013 2:08:17 PM

She awoke to find herself bound at the wrists and ankles with rope of some kind. It felt soft and pliable against her skin, but there was no room to budge. She was naked and there was a blindfold blocking her vision. The room felt cool, but not uncomfortably so. The surface she was lying on was cold and hard beneath her. Was it a floor? she could not be sure. The gag in her mouth prevented more than muffled sounds from escaping her. She was thirsty and disoriented. 

She heard footsteps on a hard floor approaching her. "So you are awake..." a male voice said in an amused tone. "I hope you aren't too uncomfortable. I must apologize for the bindings, but I just cant have you getting away." His voice was almost soothing to her. A warm hand was now resting on her bare waist. The man tugged on her ropes testing their tightness. Then his other hand collided sharply with her bare bottom. She gasped in utter surprise. "HAHA, gotta make sure you are aware little hunny." he said laughing obviously pleased with himself.

She began cursing at him through the gag, but to no avail. Her words absorbed by the cloth now moist from her saliva. "Whoa there, girl, easy now. You'll go and hurt yourself..." he said with concern in his voice and a nervous chuckle. She was thrashing, trying to break free from the well tied bonds that held her in place. She would show him, if she could just get free. The room was silent now but for her own muffled cries of distress. He seemed to be letting her tire herself out. She wanted desperately to sit up, the hard surface was biting into her shoulder something awful. 

The sound of a water faucet was heard from the far corner somewhere behind her. The footsteps came close to her once again. Yes she was certain she was on the floor now. "Now be a good girl and you can have a drink of water. I am going to remove your gag now. Be a bad girl and back in your mouth it goes, understand?" She nodded her head in compliance. He assisted her to a sitting position and untied the gag, pulling it from her mouth. She was so thirsty. She could feel the cool glass pressed to her lips and began to slurp at the water greedily. Some of it was dripping down the front of her onto her nude breasts. She felt her nipples harden in response. Then suddenly the glass was gone. "That's enough for now I think." she heard him say. His voice had a husky undertone to it now. 

His hand reached around and took a fistful of her hair. He tugged her onto her knees, not unkindly but with authority. He positioned her so she was on her hands and knees her wrists and ankles still bound tightly by the rope. "Stay..." he commanded. A thought of defiance flashed through her mind, but she was really in no position to tempt fate at this moment so she conceded to obey, for now. 

The blindfold was still securely obscuring her vision. She let her head hang. She could hear some rustling off to one side. The sound of a zipper and the sudden crack of a whip, startled her to attention. Was he going to whip her? Her body tensed involuntarily at the thought. "We are going to play a little game." His voice was menacing. She opened her mouth to protest but felt the slimy wet gag pressing against her face, "AH AH, be a good girl and be quiet now..." he responded before she could utter more than a whimper. "That's a good girl" he coaxed in a soothing tone. " You see I have always wanted a puppy, so today you are going to be my good little puppy, understand?" She nodded afraid that she might feel the whip at any moment. "Good girl." he praised. 

"I am going to untie you now, but you are to do everything I tell you exactly how I tell you, got it?" she was beginning to like hearing him speak. He sounded as if he could command an army or something. His voice was deep and full of authority. A sharp stinging sensation on her ass reminded her that he had asked her a question... She cried aloud mostly from being caught off guard than from the sensation. "Answer me, not with words, but like a puppy would" he barked at her. She nodded and whimpered, hoping that would suffice. "That's better." She held her position while he loosened and finally removed the ropes from her ankles first. "Sit" he commanded. She sat like a good puppy. He lifted her hands gently and freed them from their bonds. "Don't you dare touch that blindfold..." his voice was sharp. 

She returned her hands to the floor obediently, wondering what he would have her do next. His hand took an fistful of her hair again, and she heard him almost whisper, "Heel." he then lead her in a small circle crawling along the hard floor her hair doubling as a leash. She was then lead across the hard floor and the surface changed, oh soft carpet, yea she thought to herself. This felt much kinder than the unforgiving linoleum he had her on. "Stay" she heard him say as he seemed to walk away from her. She heard the sound of metal clanking on metal. His steps came closer once again. "Sit" he ordered, she did so. A collar was fastened around her neck with a leash dangling from the center. 

His steps got further away and she could hear what sounded like a drawer opening. He approached commanding her "Open your mouth." She was hesitant to do so. She had no clue what he was about to place there and was somewhat fearful. A crack came sailing through the air connecting against her left shoulder. Her mouth dropped open immediately. "TskTsk... do I need to punish my little puppy?" he sounded slightly amused. She whimpered and shook her head no. Her mouth still gaping open. A rubber dildo was placed inside sliding across her tongue. "Show me what a good little cock sucker you would be" he cooed at her. His voice husky and arousing. "Make it all nice and wet now..." She suckled the rubber toy as he fucked her face with it. She could feel her sex getting damp with excitement. "Play with your clit, now." she did as she was told, reaching back to stroke her moist clit. She was sleek with desire now, and began to whimper softly as she pretended to suck his cock. She wondered if he was aroused as well. She wished she could see. She made the toy all slippery wet. She wanted him to take her now as her fingers fanned the flames between her thighs ever closer to the peak of ecstasy. 

"Good girl, make it all nice and wet." She wasn't sure if he meant the toy or her throbbing sex. She didn't care at this point. He then suddenly yanked the toy from her mouth. A little drool slid down her bottom lip. "Stop" he commanded. Her whimper of protest seemed to fall on deaf ears. He pulled the blindfold off and she squinted as her eyes adjusted to the light. He tossed the toy across the room. "Fetch puppy girl." his eyes seemed to be full of fire. She crawled hurriedly after the dildo grasping it in her mouth and hurrying back on all fours. "Good girl, what a good puppy girl you are." his hand slipped down between her legs and parted her lips. He pushed them deep inside her. A moan escaped her as pleasure flooded her. He thrust his fingers several times driving her wild with desire. She wanted to cum so bad. "Don't you dare cum yet dirty slut." She fought hard to obey him. She wasn't sure she could make it.

A loud thud across the room distracted her. He pulled his fingers from her delicate folds and said "Go fetch little puppy, go get it." A growl came from deep within her belly as a protest, but she scurried off to once again fetch the fucktoy. She picked it up in her mouth as before, "Bring it here puppy, bring it here you filthy girl, " he coaxed. His smile drawing her back to him. "Good girl, now roll over." She promptly obeyed for she wanted to cum so much. Would he give her his cock? she hoped so. Just give it to me. He denied her his cock and instead pressed the toy to her lips for her to wet it. She licked it and made it all slippery wet again, like she would suck his hard cock if he would just let her. "Are you a good cocksucker...?" he asked her in a half moan. She nodded and whimpered like a little puppy dog. "Show me, show me how bad you want my cock." She put all her effort into it this time. Sliding her tongue aver the whole length of the dildo. Pressing her lips tightly against it. Making it wetter with each thrust of her head. She bobbed up and down on it faster and then slowly, trying to entice him to want to fuck her. 

He pulled the rubber toy from her mouth and slid it deep into her wet throbbing sex. It was not his cock but damn it felt good just the same. He fucked her hard with it taking her ever higher. "Don't you dare cum, yet slut." She thought the agony would kill her. Just before she hit climax he stopped suddenly. "Better not let that thing slide out of your cunt, puppy girl. Or I shall have to punish you." He flashed her a wicked grin and then he undid his pants and shoved his rock hard cock in her open mouth. "Now show me what a good girl you can be." he growled in her ear. She sucked him like she sucked the dildo just moments before. Teasing him and drawing him closer to orgasm. One of his hands grasped the toy firmly and resumed fucking her with it. She thought she would die from ecstasy overdose. She pressed her lips hard against his silky hard flesh. He let a sound like something a wild animal might make and shouted to her "Cum now!" she gladly did so. He pulled out at the last second and came on the floor. "Now lick it up little puppy, lick it all up like a good little puppy girl. She did so. lapping every drop off the floor like a filthy dirty girl. Maybe even the dirtiest girl in the world.....

 


1/28/2013 4:39:43 PM

SILENT TEARS

An angel falls down from so high in the sky
Without her wings to hold her she is doomed to die
Taken away is her Master's sweet cherished love
On the ground she lies broken, a wounded dove
Ravished and torn is she from so deep inside
Ripped and clawed the beast devours from soul to hide
Inconsolable are her many silent tears
Locked in mental prison for so many years
Her thoughts compare to bars holding her so tight
She screams and she hollers into the cold dark night
Laughter answers her from shadows in the darkness
A punishment given in all it's harshness
As the whip falls against her bare naked skin
Redemption is discovered, transformed from her sin


1/28/2013 4:32:57 PM

Immortal Love

 

Passion's flame burns in the depths of her soul

white hot plumes rage beyond her control

The consuming love within she cannot tame

Your presence felt, she shall not be the same

All her life she has stood waiting for this

To surrender so completely to the vampire's kiss

You came and breathed new life into her heart

Will it withstand time or be cruelly ripped apart?

An angel's broken wing healed by your hand

Words her Master speaks are a slave's command

A night that surfaced so many fallen tears

A creature of darkness that holds all her fears

Desire gives way to temptations evil lust

Like sand in the desert her body turned to dust

Magic captures a heart bound by chains

A ripple of time cleanses a soul like rains

Eternity held no barriers to this love

A union granted of earth and heaven above


*copyright 2013


1/28/2013 11:29:27 AM

Lady Destiny

 

Lady Destiny entwines each star together

Awakens such flames from beyond forever

Hidden wonders lie dormant beneath one's soul

Dark visions are clouded and not quite whole

Familiar sounds glide over winds of the past

It's songs of sorrow shatters a heart like glass

Phantoms dancing on pieces of your dreams

A spark in your eye catches the sun that gleams

White fire burns consuming all in it's path

No explanation for such a furious wrath

Luminous light shines, piercing heaven above

The angels and demons that war over love

Stories of passion forgotten in time

Locked secrets imprisoned, haunting verses of rhyme

A message of mystery I grant unto thee

To hold and treasure for all eternity

 *copyright 2012


1/23/2013 11:25:27 AM

There are days that I just enjoy sitting absolutely still and pondering the meaning of life. I guess today is one of those days. Sometimes though I am baffled at how events from the past have brought me to where I am today. It seems often that it is some kind of fictitious story or something. I must say there have been no chance encounters. Though I still laugh and sometimes even cry at the state I now find myself. 

If someone had told me 3 and half years ago that I would leave everything I knew to bind myself in slavery to a complete stranger, I would have laughed them off the face of the planet. But here I am today. Sometimes I can't imagine what possessed me to make such a leap. It was one defined moment that changed the whole course my life was on. A blink of an eye changed my life forever. 

I can't help but wonder what comes next? What defined moment will once again change me forever? I feel as if something is coming. I can't see it nor do I have any clue what it might be. But I feel it, building and growing. I will wait and watch for it to come. I can only hope it will be for the better...


1/21/2013 2:43:56 PM

Crime Doesn't Pay...

One late night I sat awake. I was setting up an erotic profile. It was early January, my master asleep on the bed behind me. We needed a roommate that was familiar and comfortable with our lifestyle. So as the dutiful slave, I was attempting to find one, when a simple but somehow energetically charged message came in. It said simply: "Hello, how are you this evening. I like your profile...." My heart raced, my palms got sweaty. I had never reacted so strongly to any message before, let alone one that was so simplistic. I viewed the profile. No pictures of any kind posted, hmmm. I would have to ask about that. I returned to my profile and send a equally simplistic reply “thank you, my profile is not finished yet.” And so it began. A conversation that would turn my whole life upside down.

We chatted for a couple hours. We exchanged YIM info and began to chat every day for weeks. He wrote beautifully. My body responded to his energy as it never had to anyone before. My heart raced, my temperature rose, I began to sweat, and pant involuntarily. The more we chatted the more he seemed to know about me, my inner thoughts, my secret desires. All without ever telling him.

I would hurry through my day's duties just to be online to speak with this erotic and sensual man. Each time I had such a strong full body reaction to him. My panties damp with desire. Was it his words? No, it was his energy. One I had never felt before, but often dreamed of finding. When he would write to me I felt as if my every breath hung on his next word.

Soon we were meeting on skype and I got to see my new love's face. He was beautiful to me. His voice was like an angel singing in my ears. Erotic, deep and hypnotic. He spoke calmly but there was authority behind every word. Commanding he was, without being unkind. I did things for him on cam I had never done, period. He had such a way with me. I felt as though anything he spoke I would do. Like we had known each other all our lives. His wish was my command.

He asserted himself as my online trainer, I even got my master's approval. My master apparently liked the changes coming about in me from this mysterious man. I was like a trained seal and felt more submissive than ever before. The power emitting from him made me want to kneel, bow and grovel before him. Though he never even raised his voice. He had one rule. Just one.

I was so addicted to our daily chat/cam sessions that the rest of the world seemed to fade away. So elated was I, that I barely craved food. I could have lived solely on his energy I think. My master was jealous yes, but enjoyed seeing me so happy so he did not interfere.

Then it happened. One unsuspecting day. I was online waiting for my new trainer to get done with a work meeting so we could play on cam. At that moment an old friend appeared online. One I had cyber-played with before. We began with the usual social greetings. Hi, how are you? That sort of thing. Well not too long into our discussion, he began to talk dirty with me, like we always had before. I told this friend, no I can not do that anymore. I have a new trainer and he has one rule, “Be good.” So I must be good you see. My friend said, I see. We talked casually for a while longer. Still no sign of my new and beloved trainer, but he promised. I had nothing better to do and it had been a while since I had a good friend on to talk to. So I kept on talking, it was now getting late. My master had fallen asleep watching tv on the bed behind me. The dog was content in his bed. I was lonely and so kept on chatting with my old friend. Before I knew it we were falling back into our old but fun habits. We had cyber sex.

Well I was wrecked with guilt. I had broken the one and only rule that was given to me. I saw it as I had two choices. I could follow the dont 'ask, don't tell rule, or I could confess and hope for mercy. Well I rationalized it all night. I couldn't sleep a wink. I was a spaz-matic mess the next morning. I knew that my trainer would be expecting his usual greeting online at the usual time. Would he know? You see we had a special connection between us. He was so in tune with my feelings and energies. He seemed to read my mind at times. So you can imagine my panic. All through the breakfast ritual I tried to calm my breathing. I told myself no harm was truly done, right?

Well it was now time to meet my trainer online for my session. My palms were sweaty, my breathing shallow, my heart about to beat right out of my chest. I told myself it would be ok. How could he possibly know? He had no way to know. I took a deep breath and logged on to my IM. He was already online waiting. My hands shook as I typed my usual greeting “This girl is here to serve” I barely got it typed correctly. His response, “ What did you do?” My stomach did a flip flop inside. I fought to slow my breathing and remain calm. “What do you mean?” I asked coyly. But inside I knew he knew. I could feel it with my whole body. That moment when a slave knows she is caught red handed. He simply said to me, “You were bad.” Again, I tried to play it off like it was nothing, and replied “I am always bad Sir :) that is why you like me so much...” But he wasn't buying it. My ass got quite hot indeed as if I had received several hard smacks right on my left cheek. It burned with white hot fire. He said “ No you have been a bad girl, tell me about it.”

It was a full 24 hours before I could bring myself to confess to the crime I had committed. I was literally sick with guilt, and worry. The relationship had not been going on very long, just a few weeks. Would he forgive me? Would it end things? I finally wrote a full email about the whole ordeal, but I think the damage was done. I did not hear from him for 4 of the longest days of my life. I thought I would die from the sadness I had felt of disappointing him so. We did finally reconnect again, but things have not been the same since. It is now one year later, he still has the same effect on me. My whole body responds to every word. We no longer speak daily, or even weekly. It is random and unpredictable. I often think of the exciting days we shared, and long for things to be like they were again. Though if I learned just one thing from this, it was that being bad isn't always as fun as it seems. It comes at a price sometimes, and for me it has been a hard price to pay. I miss him greatly and think of him often.

 



1/21/2013 12:46:20 PM

Vampire Dreams

Here I sit alone and crying
In the darkness my soul is dying
Your voice now comes to me from afar
Though I have no clue as to who you are
I feel your touch, your firery breath
The lurking shadow of menacing death
My heart cries out that I need you
And though I look I can not see you
Inside my dreams you hold me tight
Then you're gone with the morning light
Through the day I miss your presence
with onset of night, engulfed by your essence
A curse this be oh it is true
To fall in love with nosferatu

 

*copyright 2001


1/17/2013 1:33:57 PM

Ever have one of those days where you feel lost? Like maybe you are living someone else's life? Or maybe you are dreaming and just can't wake up? I am having one of those days today. I feel distant and disconnected from what everyone tells me is reality. Why, who knows? I don't suppose it is necessarily a negative, but can't be certain it is a positive either. 

 I don't have a bad life, but somehow feel unfulfilled. Like maybe there is something more for me out there somewhere. I am hidden away from most of the world, kept as a secret treasure. Guarded jealously. I want more, I deserve more. Don't I? A slave isn't supposed to want anything for herself. Not a true slave, which I consider myself to be. Perhaps a bit unrefined yet and rough around the edges, but in my heart it is all I want to be. I was meant for this. Though I think I am meant for something bigger than what I am doing now. At least I want something bigger, more productive and perhaps with a dash of excitement. 

 Since I was a young girl I have had dreams of being a slave, to some kind of King or Lord. I have it over and over. I am among other slave girls, in some castle or palace. Though I seem to be favored a bit more than most of them. I dance and perform brilliant sword play as well as other more carnal pleasures. I am used, but also loved and adored. I give of myself but in return I receive also. My only cares are to please that whom I serve.

 I came to the lifestyle in search of fulfilling this dream, at least to some extent. I was promised many things, fulfillment of my desire to serve was among the bigger promises. Yet here I find myself wanting. Wanting to be more than what I have become. Wanting my talents to be appreciated, desired and used to the fullest. Wanting for a master that is truly a master. Oh sure, I serve some purpose in my current life. I cook, clean, amuse, massage, listen... somehow though, I feel empty and void of the purpose I was meant to serve.  

 I suppose that is why I keep this account. I hope to stumble across the one I was meant for. The one my soul calls out for, hungers for, yearns for. The one I have seen in my dreams, or at least one like him. The one who brings out the inner slave within me. The one who can Master me. That one who can bring out the best I have to give, and motivate me to be ever more. More pleasing, more creative, just more.HAHA the rest of the world might think me crazy for having this desire. A desire to be truly owned. Mastered. Dominated. I think I wont truly know peace until I find this, or until it finds me. So I call out into the great vast unknown, for this. I call out with all of my soul, all of my heart. Like a wild wolf howls up to the moon, so do I call. 

 


9/1/2012 1:19:57 PM

My Dream Dom


Tall, dark, handsome...stereotypical? Maybe. Just my taste. When I say dark I mean inside. From the dark side, if you will. A bad boy type with a soft heart. A dominant man with a firm hand, but caring also.  Perhaps vampiric, or into magic and sorcery. Someone at home with energy play and a taste for the human female.  He should have a hunger to dominate, conquest and master.

I see his hands wrapped tightly in my hair, holding me close to him, breathing on my neck subtly. Multi-tailed whip in his other hand. (yes my dream dom is a whip master ;)  ) He rests his whip on a nearby table and caresses me softly, erotically. The feel of his hands excites and tantalizes me. Perhaps he will bite me, or throw me down and fuck me. In this I have no doubts who owns me. I am his mind, body and soul. But I would be more than just property to use and then toss aside, no, I am loved and cherished as well. (yes I want it all :P) 

A simple word is my command, I am willing and he is strong. He leads and I follow. We are truly Master and slave.... This is what I lay awake dreaming of so often...


9/1/2012 11:10:46 AM

A day of days. Nothing to do but watch the clouds roll by and dream of things bigger and better. I find myself lost in dreams more and more. Though you might say I have always been one of those dreamers. Many have come true. 

So many ask me what I am looking for, why am I here? I cant say for sure. I just know that I will recognize it when I find it. It will catch my breath in my throat and leave me wanting for more. My heart will race and I will not be able to contain the excitement I feel. Yes this is what I dream of.  

Many people dream of fancy cars, big houses, yachts... boring! Sure those things are nice but I want something more, something meaningful. I want passion and fire, excitement and cuddling. I want to be at his mercy. *sigh* perhaps I want something that doesn't really exist? Perhaps we all do. Everyone searching for that perfect LTR.  

I suppose I just want someone that is worthy of my surrender. Someone that can capture my imagination and my heart. Someone that can hold it for a long time. 


8/20/2012 10:21:54 AM

You know what burns my ass? I will tell you. Doms that come on too strong in the beginning and act as if they are Dom of the world. "slave log on to yahoo NOW!" "girl I want to meet you ASAP!" "Do as I say..."

I think to myself, "you don't f-ing own me, dammit." I Have made no commitments to you. I am not yours to order about or command. Yes, I may be sub, even slave, but not to you. I may be respectful and call you Sir, but that does not give you any right to order me around or try to control who I chat with or when I log on to my computer. The world does not revolve around you, certainly not mine. 

I get really annoyed by these types. It is one thing if we make an agreement to work closely together, for you to train me....whatever. But DO NOT come into my life and expect me to revere you and fall on my face before you in awe and admiration because you call yourself a master or a dominant.

Whew glad to get all that off my chest. I am sorry to rant like this but it really has become a big problem. I just feel like so many need a reality check, ya know?

Just wanted to put it out there to all of you who think you are gods gift to women, and you know who you are! In my book respect, awe, admiration, and my submission all have to be earned. How do you earn that? its easy really, just show respect, be dominant yes, because that is what you are and that is what I like about you, but don't expect me to put my life on hold for you. Don't expect me to bow to you or kneel for you, or drop my life to jump on cam for you. Don't tell me what time to to get up and be online for you. Until I make a verbal or written agreement with you, YOU DON'T FUCKING OWN ME!!! I will be online, when my schedule permits and you can chat when I am there. There I said it.


8/20/2012 9:25:05 AM

For all you Doms out there, it may be helpful to us that are submissive if you could remember this...

 


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