|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| i am separated from my husband, going through a divorce that hopefully will be final in april. after my husband left me, i had an affair with a man who introduced me to bondage. i can't say bondage was something i really thought about. definitely, it was not something i obsessed about. but being tied up, restrained, played with released something in me that i never knew existed. the affair recently ended, for reasons other than bondage, so i'm free right now to explore all possibilities. at this point, i am open to just about all variations, but i don't know what i will finally settle with. one thing i am clear about is i want to use this time to find out more about myself, and much to my surprise, i feel--i know--bondage is part of me. i don't know my pain limits, or whether i could even be a sub, never mind a slave, though i am open to both. i'm putting myself out there, beginning perhaps a long journey.
|
|
|
|
|
it looks like L and i are able to chat about once a week. i miss him, and he hates being in iraq, hates being away from me. he told me how much he fantasizes having me tied up, sucking him, pleasuring him, and how much he fantasizing pleasuring me, getting me hot, aroused, and kept from cuming until i beg to cum. i've got a date tomorrow night with a guy i met at one of the parties i went to with L. the guy is a manager of a small theater in hollywood. an artsy fartsy type. actually, i think he is gay but i think i need to get out. |
|
|
|
|
i chatted with L last night, and afterwards i slept like a baby. he is well and misses me. and of course, i miss him and told him so. |
|
|
|
|
i've been in touch by email with L. i wish i could share my pain with someone. sometimes i fantasize getting in touch with L's wife and both of us crying together over our shared loss. tonight seems particularly drab, i guess its because its lightly raining. i've received some comforting emails here from Doms. i wonder how sincere they are. i suspect they are not sincere. alll they want probably is get me in my emotionally vulnerable position, and use me for their pleasure. thanksgiving is coming next month. fortunately, i will not be spending it alone, as some dear friends have invited me over. |
|
|
|
|
i spoke to L last night. he left for iraq today. i am not just sad but bitter about his. he is going off to be in a war zone because of the stupidity, poor judgement of george bush. if this war is so important to the county, why aren't his daughters in uniform? why isn't jena's future husband off in iraq defending us from osama bin ladan? the whole lot of them are free loaders like their old man. i'm disgusted. |
|
|
|
|
ive just returned from the mountains after having a wonderful, painful weekend with L. we were in each others arms all weekend, hugging, desperately fighting against the movement of time to hang on to each other. we talked little, just communicating by holding hands, snuggling, physically interacting. we are both in pain. L is going back to iraq leaving at the end of the week, and won't be back here until late next year. i am in so much pain right now. nothing, nothing hurts as much as emotional pain. i am about to go to bed, and hopefully i will cry myself to sleep. |
|
|
|
|
im going to be able to spend one last weekend with L before he ships out to Iraq. next weekend, if all goes well, he and i are going up to the mountains to his cabin for our last time together for probably over a year. this weekend i am alone, and i miss him terribly. there is an ache inside me, more painful, more unpleasant that the most severe flogging. i hope nothing interfers with our time together next weekend. L's presence fills me with pleasure and delight. talking on the phone, chatting in IM is so inadequate, so limiting. i miss being in his arms, feeling him against me. and now, so painfully, we now have only a few remaining days together. |
|
|
|
|
L and i may have spend the last weekend together in a long time. we went up to the mountains friday night. saturday and sunday mornings we took some quiet hikes nearby. we are not talking much, both of us are absorbed into the impending sense of loss. we hold hands, touching each other when ever and where ever we can. i feel part of me is about to be cut away. late saturday afternoon L tied me up very tightly. my arms were behind my back, wrists were tied to my elbows, my legs were tied at my ankles and knees but i was not gagged. L then just hugged me for hours. we kissed and nibbled at each other. being hugged, tightly, with the man i love while being immobile was an incredible form of love-making. i felt so loved. L was giving me everything he could, selflessly, since i could not really respond. it was heavenly being the object of so much love. i didn't feel frustrated that i could not give anything back. it was what it was, and being there for L, being able to be loved was what he wanted. when we had sex later, it was a warm, caring, vanilla sex. when we parted this evening, we did not know when we will see each other again, though there is a chance we might have one last weekend after labor day. |
|
|
|
|
so much has happened since my last entry. L continues to take me to the mountains every three or four weeks where we spend romantic weekends, that often includes bondage. in addition to that, i've become his companion to parties of people he knows in the industry. nobody asks L where his wife is, and i guess people know about our relationship. i've met very interesting people--screen writers, actors and actresses (but no performers that are real celebs), technical people, as well as artists, writers, musicians, academics and journalists. its quite a crowd, and what surprises me as i seem to fit in with this very talented, energetic, and intelligent crowd. but, i know i am not L's wife. i am his mistress, and what has changed since my last entry, is i don't feel guilty about it at all. but all this is about to end, at least for awhile. L is in the National Guard, and next month is going to Iraq, for the second time. the first time was about four years ago. he is not happy about this. i feel now our time together is extremely precious. |
|
|
|
|
i had a wonderful weekend, a different weekend than one i've ever had. L picked me up friday night and we drove up to Big Bear. on the way we stopped for dinner. when we got to his cabine, we talked for a little bit, and then, at his direction, i stood before L and took off my clothes. i was so nervous standing in front of him, naked, while he looked at me. it was not long before he tied me up, spread eagle on the bed. he slowly took his time with me, touching me, caressing me, taking me, emgulfing me. as i looked at him, i just passively let him take control of my body, my feeling, my emotions. i don't know if what i felt was being aroused: it was an entirely different feeling. love? over, i don't know how long, he gave me several orgasms, culminating with him entering me, filling me with his cum. that night, i slept with L, bound slightly, and was made love to during the night and the next morning. saturday, was quite different. after breakfast, i cleaned up, and we went for a nice long walk. and when we came back to the cabin, we made love again--vanilla style. L said he had to do some writing, so while he wrote, i sat on the sun deck and read. we went to dinner that night, and we slept together. he tied me up, slightly again, saying he wants me to get use to this. the following day, we had breakfast, we took a short walk after, he wrote some more and i read, and then we drove back to l.a. as i write this, my head is still abuzz from the weekend. L is such a wonderful person. i feel guilty at what i did, not so much the bondage thing, but carrying on with a married man. i don't know what is going to happen. this evening we chatted in IM, as his wife was around and he couldn't talk. |
|
|
|
|
a lot has happened since my last entry. L and i have started talking on the phone, and we finally met. he came up to los angeles one evening and we had a very pleasant dinner. he is pleasant, respectful and sensitive. he is also filled with himself, but in a nice way, because he has a sense of command and presence. so now, our interaction has expanded, as we now chat in IM when L needs discretion, and on the phone when he is free. tonight, or this weekend, we are now going to do something new. he has a cabin in Big Bear, which he goes to once a month to do serious writing. tonight he is picking me up and i'm going to spend the weekend with him. i'm nervous, freightened, excited, and feel a little ashamed and guilty at what i'm doing. its not just the knowledge that i'm probably going to be tied up, but i'm getting involved with a married man. maybe its because he is married that i'm doing this. his marriage is going to put limits on how much i can get involved with him. this is definitely not going to be a 24/7 relationship. maybe what i really want is a casual, periodic relationship. |
|
|
|
|
a lot has happened during the past two weeks, and yet, nothing has happened. i am still in daily contact with L. about a week ago, we did a cyberscene for the first time. it was so unexpected in pleasure. the scene was simple enough. i was tied up, spread eagle on a bed, and L then played with me using a vibrator. i was at home at the time, so i took off my clothes for it. and i played with myself as i imitated what L was doing with me. basically, he got me aroused, kissing me, touching me, gently pinching my nipples, and rubbing me. he would stop, and then start over again. it seemed that each time, i became more aroused. what was so unexpected, it was as if L was actually in the room, with me. as impersonal as cyber is, i felt he was there. i saw, not a flat two dimensional figure, but a three dimensional person. he just kept getting me hotter more aroused. he gagged me, but i had to type that i wanted an orgasm. he kept me from having one for the longest time. i wanted him, i pleaded with him, to enter me but he wouldn't. i think i lost a sense of time, we played, and finally, he allowed me to cum. the orgasm wasn't enough, and i typed that i was still hot. he had me cum again soon after the first. we sat together for awhile, as i came back to reality. what was so incredible, was i felt i was with L. he wants to chat with me on the phone now. i'm getting a little scared at how this is going. he is married. what can we really do? am i wasting my time with L? |
|
|
|
|
i have been in daily IM contact with L. i really like chatting with him. we seem to click in a very close, comfortable way. it seems we never seem to run out of things to talk about, and have to cut off our conversations because of other things we have to do. this past week, we did a cyber scene. and it was wonderful. i was with him, hugging, kissing and he removed my clothes. and as he did, i mimiced him, and stripped. in our scene, it wasn't much i guess, but he tied me, spread eagle on a bed. and then he played with me. getting me aroused, hot, excited, and then letting me cool off. i could feel his finger rubbing me, probing me, touching me. of course, what i imagined was what i was doing. L did this for i don't know how long. he would not let me have an orgasm and i did not cum. at some point, i begged him to let me cum, but he refused. i started cursing, please let me cum and still refused. it was such an incredible transformative feeling. it has been so long since i had that feeling with anyone in r/l. L seemed to know how to take me to the edge, the very edge. i begged him to enter me and he refused. i wanted him inside me but didn't enter me. finally, finally, i came. i don't know if he allowed it, or i just couldn't hold back any more. what an orgasm. it was as good as they come. i felt so close to L after, and a little ashamed at what i was doing. is this an affair? |
|
|
|
|
i have been chatting in IM with L in Long Beach every day, and sometimes twice a day. i never thought that IM could be so intimate. everyone else i have chatted with seems two dimensional, and that is what i would expect from such as limited medium. but L, i feel he is in the room with me. i feel a roundness, a fullness about him. it is an unusal experience, one that i never, ever expected from this. and what do we talk about? we are quite intimate about our relationships, past and present. ive told him about my ex and he tells me about his present. we talk about past relationships, art, music, and politics. he is in the guard and is very worried he may now be sent back to iraq. i won't repeat what he thinks of bush, in case there are conservative christians out there who might be offended by such, how should I say it? such harsh language. he is an artist, an amateur artist, and he drew a wonderful rendition of me. its not the greatest art, but i'm deeply touch by his effort, and the feeling that comes through. i guess we are clicking in a way. today he called me his muse. nobody has ever described me as that. anyway, i'm having a wonderful time, but i wonder where this is going. i'm wondering if i should end it now. either it moves forward and i become his mistress or it doesn't. i know where it will go if i don't stop it because i know L will not stop it. knowing where it is going, shouldn't i stop it? i know i should, but so far i'm not. i guess i'm hoping i will find something about L that really turns me off and i will have a reason for not proceeding. so far i havent found it. his slight touch of vanity doesn't qualify. he isn't someone i would marry, but that shouldn't keep us from having something less. but since he is married, maybe we should end this. i don't know. |
|
|
|
|
one of the people i have been chatting with in IM seems interesting, but not particularly in a life style way. i met him in one of the public bdsm chat rooms, in which we started chatting. what is interesting, is we really don't even discuss the lifestyle. our conversations are around our lives, our jobs (he is a film and tv writer), our relationships (he is married), interests. we talk about art, books we've read, politics, music. i really enjoy chatting with him. what is particularly odd, is when we are chatting, i feel he is in the room with me. the internet and IM can be so cold and impersonal. we don't see the person, we don't hear the person. its just words. but with D, he seems to have a presence. the effect of this is that i'm not really spending a lot of time finding a Dom here in CM or really anywhere else. unless, of course, if D becomes my Dom. afterall, the place we met must say something about our sexual interests. |
|
|
|
|
i'm finding the chat rooms a quick, easy way to chat with people. apparently i scene very well, very imaginatively, because a number of people i've scened with want me to play on other nights. i've exchanged IM addresses with a number and i've found that sceneing is a safe way of discovering what the person is really like. one of the things i've found is that after i've scened three or four times, they usually show something about themselves that really turns me off. there were a couple of Doms who just would not stop when i told them i had to leave, or log off, or go to bed. they simply didn't respect me. i've deleted them from my contact list. others, after telling them my limits, ignored them. others felt they owned me and demanded i do things, such as going to work without panties. there are a couple of guys i'm chatting with, one daily, who seem to respect me. this is quite an experience. i still don't know where this is leading me. i know though, i am in no hurry. |
|
|
|
|
since new years, i've been visiting other bsdm websites and have discovered a whole new, mind boogling world in cyberspace. i found sites with chat rooms which i've started spending more time with. there are some very interesting chat rooms. i'm finding it very useful to chat with people there, its building my confidence in meeting new people. i'm also learning about the life style, and i've realized that i have much to learn. one thing even started doing was sceneing. that was an emotional leap to start doing that. the first time i did it, i felt so self-conscious. i felt the person was really with me, and in the public room (it was a room where there are slave auctions), i felt everyone was really looking at me. i've now done it twice, and the second time was a bit easier than the first, but still it was freaky. |
|
|
|
|
i haven't been on much since Christmas. with the holidays over, i expect to be on more. there are a couple of guys that i'm interested in following up on at this time. they have my yahoo address, and i expect to pursue most of my effort through that. |
|
|
|
|
im starting to get a feeling for what talent is out there. i've started asking questions to Doms who have something more to say in their initial message than a grunt. i've started giving my yahoo address out to some of the Doms if they seem they may have some promise. but i'm also discovering that a number of Doms are impatient. two days ago i was chatting with someone on yahoo IM and didn't want to be distracted, so i told a Dom who wanted to chat that i was chatting with someone else. the Dom told me he was removing me from his contact list. his loss. a number of Doms also want my photo, which i'm not giving out until i know the person better. i think taking my time is going to separate the chaff from the wheat. i have also gotten support from a number of people who urge me to take my time, be cautious and be careful. but though i'm going slow i have started contact with a few who seem to have some possibilities. |
|
|
|
|
ive gotten so many messages. its taking so long to get through them. this is such a new experience for me. i seem to have a lot of questions, that probably are stupid to someone who has been involved with this. i realize that i could rush out immediately and meet people, but i feel i've just got to be very cautious. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Age: 22 |
| Sierra Higway,
California |
|
|
|
|
