Valkyrieschains

Male Submissive, 27

Female Switch, 22, Binghamton, New York

Female Dominant, 40, Minneapolis, Minnesota

Ok, I know I haven't written in awhile.  I have an excuse, FolsomFringe is in like 3 days and I've been a busy little planning bee. However, in my travels about the net, I found out something that I just had to journal about. I'm doing it WRONG!  You heard me, I admit, right here in text that I'm doing this slave thing wrong.  I was reading the works of someone I really respect, and His views on some things to do with slavery.  It is really not often that I can't wrap my head around a concept.  However, tonight, I was not only not able to consider it for me, I can't even comprehend its success for other people.  I had no idea that I didn't get to have a sense of self.  To use personal pronouns and exhibit feelings that I am passionate about, appears to be a violation of The Code. I'll never  be that.  I will always need to acknowledge an identity.  That identity might be slave, but it's *mine*, and I can't give it away.

For the love of Mike, dominate is an *action* word, and action is not defined sitting at the computer typing things like "worship me, slave I am your dominate 2nite" to complete strangers. You request or require someone who is "fit". Now this I can kind of understand. However, you should at least be able to meet your own criteria. How dare you tell me I'm "too big" for you when you're a filthy skeezbag. I have a few too many pounds because I have a medical issue right now, when it gets better, the weight will drop right off. You simply have a bad case of hand to mouth disease. Back away from the buffet before you hurt someone. /rant over. How sad that one chat that I probably shouldn't have had pushed me to post for the first time in 5 months. Since I'm here... things are going swimmingly. I leave for TESfest in 3(!) days. In a month, one of my family is getting married in Vegas, whether or not I can go is still in question, and seems to change every day. On the down side, I'm feeling kind of out of sorts lately, in terms of where I am in the world. Am I grown up now and should I be whatever I said I would be when I grew up? Did it pass me by and I'm too late now and I should just lay in the bed I have made? So many things to question.. I think I get to musing a lot in the summer, when it gets close to my birthday and I look around and see myself in the same spot I was last year. Should be enough of a boot in the tuckus, don't you think? Okay, now that I have started my mind whirling, I'm going to try and (ha!) sleep.

The upper and lower case debate..I use it only in situations where it's the generally accepted method of identification, for example chat rooms, IRC, some email lists, things like that.  However, on those whole I *detest* it, along with having to identify yourself as someone's property, ie signing your emails "slave cher, property of Master Sonny."  I am of the opinion that I am Me first.   The fact that I qualify as the property of another is high up on the list of things I identify as, but it is not now and never will be first.  My power is still my power, it's not taken from me, I give it freely because I like the way it makes me feel and defines my relationship and my service.   I think the  W/whole T/thing might be a regional issue.  I don't see it a whole lot in California, the San Francisco/San Jose scene anyway.  It came to kind of a head for me when I joined an email list for a leather weekend that my Dominant (look, I mentioned you in my journal!  I don't do the M word very often, fortunately this works for him) and his wife(who is my favorite snugglebuddy in the world) are going to next month.  The sig lines that are at the bottom of posts to this lists from slaves are longer than the messages, a LOT of the time.  slave/boy/boi/gurl blah, owned by King Blah, Lord of the Manor and the House of Blahdeblah.  I am aware on some level that the D/s in California has a tendency to be more informal than in other parts of the country, but I had NO idea it went to this extreme.  It will be interesting to see if this carries over in tangible ways in real life.  I'll post my thoughts when I get some.  -KF

So, I was in the supermarket? tonight, wearing a paramedic sweatshirt, with the Star of Life on it, and the checker asked me about it, what its history is and what it meant to me..I gave kind of a pithy answer, factually accurate but not at all from the heart.? I'm sure you've seen the star before, it's the medical caduceus (more commonly known as the snake on a stick) surrounded by a blue six-pointed star.? It does mean something to me, I just never really thought about it before.? It's both an emblem of my greatest joy and my heaviest burden. This particular star shines brighest in hours of darkness, in places like Oklahoma City, Columbine, New York and over everyone with a badge and drives a vehicle with lights on the top and sirens in the dead of night that everyone complains about when it wakes you up.? It's ever present in my day, and above and beyond being how I make my living.? It says that you can trust me with your secrets, your fears and your tears and I won't judge. ? It says that I will put myself on the line when it's necessary, that I will miss my kid's karate demonstration, skip yet another Saturday night play party, and if while in my care, I can't save you and it's your time to go, you're too sick or too injured, I will see to it that your last minutes are peaceful, warm and with someone who loves you, even if I'm the only person around.? I was born and raised a Catholic, and to a great degree I still am, the star is more an emblem of my calling, my religion, than any crucifix or rosary.? ? I've never wanted to be thanked, lauded or recognized and even though it seems like half my clothes have some sort of EMS logo on them, I don't want it to be my only identity, but like it or not, with almost half my life in the field, the star is an indelible part of my soul.? I wax kinda dramatic at 4 am, eh??

Okay...so "coming soon" is sort of a subjective term.  I am a dominant submissive.  It's not the oxymoron you might think it is.  To the one that I serve, I am truly obedient, and subservient.  (this does not rule out the occasional bit of pushy brat behavior, as well as good natured playfulness, which is intrinsic to my enjoyment of my day)  Nevertheless I still know my place and I don't step out of it.  With ONE person.  There are a few submissives in my social circle that refer to every Dominant as Sir or Ma'am constantly and have forgotten how to use the shift key when they type.  I'm not talking about the do-me subs that throw themselves at the feet of anyone Dominant in their sight, we all know those.  Bleh.   This is all well and good  howver if that's what makes this group of individuals tick.  This will never be me. I have always had a "the world is my playground, and the people in it, my playthings." view.  I am not in the least submissive, personally, professionally and ESPECIALLY within my local BDSM community except to the few that know me well and I can count those on one hand.  I introduced myself at a local munch recently: "Hi, I'm Kim.  I'm a submissive however there are people in this room that would scoff at such a notion." I'm not the only one around either.  Take the time to get to know the quiet ones that don't talk about their preferences that you can't quite get a bead on.  We're a little more difficult to flesh out.  You might be pleasantly surprised. -KF

I've had to be somewhat introspective the last several weeks with regard to power exchange.  It's dredged up a bunch of really lousy things I'd really rather have forgotten, but it gave me my own version of closure in some areas that needed it. If my former partner would get over it and move on, I think that would make it easier, but that doesn't seem to be happening.  Anyway. Someone emailed me here yesterday to comment about how I didn't get to have any power, yada yada yada. I beg to differ.  If I have no power, I have none to offer to anyone.  Who wants to have a wishy washy slave?  Certainly no one I would ever bottom to.  I agree that the doormat type can have its uses from time to time-heck, I can even roleplay one if it's called for..but not someone you're trying to have a relationship with.  Frankly, the desire for such a thing suggests a weak Dominant. Coming soon: The Dominant submissive.

Okay..I've been asked twice in email here today what kind of "medical provider" I am, so I'll share.? I work 10 shifts a month as a paramedic in a quite urban (read: ghetto) area of a major Northern California city.? I also am the assistant to a local neurologist during the week.? I teach an EMT class at a local community college a couple nights a week.? There you have it.? Medical provider during the day, instructor of same in the evening.? Not as cryptic as you imagined, I know, I'm sorry. It might give those others of you who tell me I'm not a slave or don't understand the concept of submission a little bit more of an insight as to why I don't appear to be a trembling flower. (My abject apologies to any of my true? trembling flower girlfriends who might be reading, I'm not saying anything bad, it's just not for me.) There is no room for subspace in what I do, and what I do is not something I turn on and off.? My headspace is gotten to by those that take the time to know me well.

It is now 4 days past Folsom and life is just now starting to get back to what resembles normal for me.  I spent the weekend at a local group's yearly shebang, working my very tired hiney off.  I had one, count em ONE scene..and it got interrupted because someone was injured and I was the only medical person there for the weekend.  Not the first time I've treated someone while trying to come back to the planet in my own head, I suspect it won't be the last.  I promised myself that I'd write more now that the big push has ended. -K

Personal space.  Didn't really realize I had an issue with it.  Maybe it's nonconsensual touching, I dunno.  I went to a leather fair over the weekend-got completely fried by the sun, I'm such a paleface-and was really surprised by the amount of strangers out there that think it's okay to just reach out and grab at you or to  wave their unclothed parts at you.  I was never sure if it was an offer, or "hey, look at me!".  I'm sure I offended more than one person, because instead of looking interested or digusted, I merely looked flummoxed, turning my head from side to side, hoping a translator would appear and let me know this strangers intention.  At least my companions were amused and someone took my picture so I might have one to post, finally.

Okay..if you read my blatherings, get a beverage, I'll wait........................ This is going to be a couple of posts in one, because I've been getting Java errors every time I've tried to post the last week. My last weeks thoughts were on honesty, and equal access.? I met a really nice, very genuinely searching Dominant here-(I wrote Him first, remember ladies, there's nothing wrong with writing first, you never know who might write back!) geograhically inconvenient for me, but we've become very good friends and to some degree, confidantes-he asks my advice, I ask his.? He consistently has put himself, and his desires out there, and gotten what look at the surface to be really good responses.? It seems to constantly turn out to be either a man (which I don't understand at ALL, is there some jolly to be had by pretending to put one over on a stranger who is nice to you?) or a girl who flakes at the last minute, gives fake information, stupid stuff like that.? Is it that hard to just say I'm sorry, this isn't working for me?? The other thing that really bothers me for him is the demand from femsubs that he spew forth all this information, and accuse him of being not open and honest if he's not ready to give name, address, phone number and blood type...and then take umbrage at being asked for the same types of information!? It's not just about the safety of the female submissive over the big bad man anymore-frankly, in the stalker/lose your mind category of person, I know way more women that qualify than I do men, and we all know what *they* say about women scorned.? Just something else about my own gender I don't understand, I guess.

I swear, this has become my space to rant, rave and pontificate and I didn't mean it as such.  (I'm done feeling bad now and will go leaping into the fray.) More tonight, I just want to see if this will post, I've been having some problems getting things to post properly.

No, you're not going to change me.  No matter how hard you try, so give it up-you sound like one of those guys who says to a lesbian that they just haven't met the right man yet.  You cannot turn me into a soft creature, I am not wired like that.  I'd be so much more interested in continuing to talk to you if you were being real with me, instead of trying to impress me trying to..how did you phrase it..  I think you said you were going to "talk my language".  Hate to break it to you, but we speak the same language.  Do you even look in the general direction of the dictionary before you talk to me?  I hate to find amusement at the expense of others, but honest to Pete, I'm more impressed by genuine discussion, than the 10-dollar words.  Just because you scanned my profile before asking to chat and you found a myriad of multi-syllable words there, please don't use them unless you know what they mean and how to use them in a sentence properly.  I feel terribly sitting here in my bed snickering at you.  You know who you are.  I'm so sorry.

There's a lot of blather from Dominants regarding basic courtesy and responding to email.  Absolutely understandable.  However, please understand that I, and most others like me will respond in exactly the way we're contacted.  If you're not getting answered promptly, and in the fashion you wish, perhaps you'd do well to take a look at your sent mail and see if it really sets the tone you wish to take with someone new.  Now, that said-there is also a lot of blather from submissives regarding cessation of contact by Dominants.  (some nights, I spend too darn much time in chat rooms, I think.) If you decide you're not compatible with some sub you've been leading on, fine.  That's absolutely your prerogative.  Let them know, don't leave them hanging.  It's just not done by people with manners.  Ditto you little subbies with 10 cyberdoms on your charm bracelet.  When you pick one, let the other nine know about it.  It gives the rest of us a bad name.  If you think any of this pertains to you, it probably does-I've talked my tuckus off on this topic in the last month with many people.  If you do not, then just pass it off as the musings of some silly little California blonde you don't know.

Male Switch, 41

Male Dominant, 41

Male Submissive, 39, Burbank, California

Male Dominant, 43, Vermilion, Ohio, Ohio

Female Submissive, 29, Alberta

Male Dominant, 43, Everett, Washington

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Male Dominant, 45, North Hollywood, California

Female Submissive, 48, Nelson,NewZealand

Male Dominant, 31, north brunswick, New Jersey

Male Submissive, 39, Los Angeles, California

Male Dominant, 28, Corpus Christi, Texas