Urantia

Life is getting better I must say.  I never thought there were so many people who could understand how I feel.  I have gotten many replies to my journal postings, they have been most positive.  I thank all whom view my profile and those whom have written to me.  I am still not ready to venture out and explore that which seems to capture my minds eye, but I am getting there.  I still do not know what I am, or what I want, but time will take care of that.  I have to say it is fun finding out these things about myself.  I look forward to hearing from those that have knowledge of what it is to be in total control and also from those that submit to total control.  I am in the learning process and find that talking with those that have experience helps me to understand myself better.  My wants and my needs, my hopes and my dreams.  All that I can be I have yet to learn these things.  Life is sweet and then some.  *hugs to all*

Dreams I have many, have had them for a long time.  I dream of things that once I thought were impossible, but as the days pass, I see that nothing is impossible.  I see that if you can dream it, if you can think it, then it can become reality.                     As a child I was told I would never amount to anything.  I was told that my way of thinking was wrong.   I was told that I was not a good little girl if I did not adhere to the rules.  Guess I wasn't a very good little girl, cause I would break the rules every chance I got.  Of course it would earn me a whipping, but that was the price I was willing to take to explore.  I was not allowed to do much, and I was punished for every chance I took.                     Things happened that changed my life, that closed off the wild child I was and turned me into a creature that hid in the darkness.  A thing that was content to never see the light.  A thing that slowly was consuming the happy, loving, laughing, child I had once been.  I stopped exploring, I stopped living and just started exsisiting.  I did not know it then, I was to young to understand that what happened to me was wrong.                      As time passed I grew into a woman who did not believe much in herself.  When you are constantly put down and told you are nothing, you begin to believe it.  I went into the wrong kind of relationships, not the ones that I really wanted, just the ones that at first were safe and then became dangerious.   Life itself did not matter to me, after all I was no one, in my minds eye and in my heart that is.  I felt I did not deserve to be happy.  I felt I should be punished for being a bad little girl.  I grew to hate myself.   I grew to hate the woman I had become.  I would look in the mirror and ask through my tears.  "Who the hell are you?"  But of course no reply would come, not at first of course.  But if you ask that question often enough, the mind will eventually answer.  I called the voices in my head my Alter Egos, and you can say if you want that I am nuts.  But it is those voices that kept me from going over the edge and ending it all.  We all have them, though most of us will not admit to it.                      They are the voices that say to you when no one else can hear.  "Do you really want to do that", or "Go for it, you know you want to", or "Boy he is hot", or "Shit I'd like to kiss her", or "Nice wheels, wish they were mine."  Get my drift.  We all have alter egos, they are our saving grace, without them we would be mindless, walking empty machines.  You can tell me that you have never heard the voices in your head, but you would be lieing, cause we all have heard them.  For some those voices become a torment, a terror that they cannot escape from.  For others they become a comfort, a hope that there will be a better tomorrow, if we just hold on for one more day.                     For me those voices were my salvation, they were what carried me through the rest of my stolen childhood.  They were what carried me through a bad marriage. They were what comforted me when I discovered I could never have a child.  They were what held me when I cried alone late at night.   I know it sounds like I am a nut case.  LOL,  But I assure you I am not, I am very sane and happy to be alive and I like who I am becoming.  Like I said, my journey of self discovery has only just begun.

I don't know what I am looking for in life.  Its funny, once I thought I knew it all and now life has changed so much, that all is new to me.  I don't know what I like anymore, not sure what I am.  Not sure what i like.  Not sure what I want.  I guess I am on a voyage of self discovery.  I always knew that I was different from others.  Just not sure what those differences are.  Lets take sex for instance.  I use to have a hang up about it, never gave myself entirely to anyone.  I always held back, never said what it was that I wanted, or how I wanted it.  I was always scared to committe myself, body and soul.  I know that I enjoyed sex most when I roleplayed, but my partner he was not much into it.  He prefered to get down to it, wam bam and it was over.  In the beginning he was willing to explore, but that all changed with time.  Until, there was no longer the desire to even lay in the same bed together.  Regrets there are many, for all that we did not share together.  For all that could have been, but will never be.  Well I will find what I am looking for one of these days.  Until then, I will continue my journey of self discovery.

Male Dominant, 44, freiburg

Male Dominant, 20

Female Dominant, 48, Orlando/Gville, Florida

Male Submissive, 36, dayton, Ohio

Male Submissive, 30, clifton, New Jersey

Male Submissive, 21, holy see, Alabama

Dominant Couple, 21, Fresno, California

Male Submissive, 34, Dallas, Texas

Male Switch, 34, brisbane

Male Dominant, 45, Wellington

Male Submissive, 18, Los Angeles, California

Male Submissive, 39, Brooklyn, New York