Fucking tired,but in a great mood.Hanging out with K.It almost feels like when we had our place.We've  been cracking up laughing since she picked me up from work,I've been telling her about Master.I love it when she's calm and funny and sweet.When I brought up how excited Master gets me she just grinned and said "You horny little perv" I giggled and smirked and said "You know it bitch" Lol.Thats why we are so close.She knows me in and out,even the things I try to hide from most people.Secrets that are almost impossible for me to tell.K knows it all and has never used it against me or judged me for the decisons I've made.And when I needed someone she was there and always has been.We dont always get along..sometimes I want to strangle her and watch her big round eyes pop but were sisters of the soul.Ying and yang could learn a thing or two from our balance. Sometimes we get knocked out of whack but as long as shes safe and happy I can handle anything,together or not we can handle anything. I know when I'm with Master I'm going to email her everyday,call her when Master says I can and talk Master into letting her visit or taking me to visit her.Masters understanding and caring so I know he wont stop me and her from keeping our bond.I love all my bestfriends the same but K and I click in a way that is diffrent.All of the bonds are diffrent but just as strong.I would be there for any of them,those three women have peices of my heart that I could never get back.And I know they all love me just the same.

I'm lucky and thankful I have such amazing friends..I'll never stop showing them how much I appreciate that they put up with my insane,over sensitive,psychopathic,kinky,bi polar ass lol!

Talking to Master...my favorite thing in this world to do.No matter where the conversation turns I'm intriqued by Master. The way he speaks to me,the way he makes me feel, I've never met someone like him before. Part of me is scared abit of falling for him...I havent yet but if things keep going I know I will.I know I'm going to need to talk to Master about this soon but not yet..I'm not rushing anything and neither is he. Besides..to talk about feelings I dont yet have would be kind of pointless. 

Gosh Master makes my toes wiggle..I dont think I've ever met someone who has turned me on so much..and he dosent even try.He just speaks and I turn to jelly..every part of my body responds to him instinctively,he dosent even have to tell me what to do or give me a command..I pick up on the little things he says and that alone tells me what will please Master. And I absolutely love to please Master..when he tells me I've pleased him or he loves something I've said or done I feel like I'm flying higher than the sky and nothing can bring me down.Its the best feeling I think I've ever felt,there are no words to truly describe how having His approval makes me feel.

I am Masters girl...mind,body and soul.

End of story,start of another.

Today was a tough day.It started out pretty great..went to work for a few hours,was joking around and laughing most of the day then I got home.My mom pulled me aside and told me my nephew by marriage who is a year older than me got jumped in prison and might not make it.

I felt like my heart was being stabbed over and over again with a knife.The idea of him dying scares me.See..one of my biggest fears is losing those I love.I can function just fine as long as those I love are happy,safe and alive.When I lost someone I care about it hurts so much I feel like I cant breath.I had panic attack after panic attack today,crying so hard my body shook.K came home from work as soon as I called her,ran into the house,down the stairs and wrapped me in a hug that knocked the wind out of me.I didnt even tell her to come home,she just knew I needed her.She loved him too,they dated for two years back when we were younger,she loves him still but things just didnt work for them.He still loves her,he tells me all the time. We sat there talking about him for awhile,cried then she jumped up and said "Alright,we need a distraction..time to pamper ourselves now!" So we did mud masks,our toenails,she did my eyebrows for me and we used our favorite pumus stones to make our skin nice and smooth.Its been so long since I had done anything girly and fun like that..I dont tend to pamper myself alot.I'm usually to busy but it was nice to remember I am a girl and besides..every girl needs to do a little upkeep now and again..keep herself nice and smooth and beautiful for her Master..or boyfriend in K's case lol.

We listened to music and cleaned up..gave our room and most of the basement a good scrub down,took the dogs for a walk around the neighborhood,helped my mom put up the christmas tree and for once they got along.A miracle in itself. Sometimes I think my mom secretly likes K.She just dosent want to admit she was wrong about her.

I'm talking to Master now,i love talking to him.He always makes me smile and feel free to be myself.With him I get to bring out all of myself,I dont have to hide who I am in any way shape or form.I love that feeling..of being myself 100 percent and completely.Around my bestfriends I can be myself as well but with Master it is diffrent.With him I'm not just cat..I'm His little one,his cunt...and whatever Master wants me to be +giggles+ Nothing is greater in this world than the feeling of being owned and cared for by another.To know your safe in your trust of another.Its the most freeing expeirence in this world,and for that I'll always be grateful and appreciate my Master.

Listening to What the Hell by Avril Lavigne tonight,fucking amazing song.Im not much into the whole pop princess look but I've always loved her music,some songs not so much but most are pretty fucking awesome.

Today wasnt a bad day,wasnt epecially good but nothing went wrong.My 11 year old neice had her bday party today so I went to that before work.Shes so beautiful,I'm scared of how many boys will want her,and men.Thats scarier. Little boys I know she can see threw but 18,19 and older I dont know and it seems like younger and younger girls are messing with older men.I liked older men at 13, boys my age had little or no appeal to me.They still dont.And I'm terrifed sometimes that my neices will follow after me,and even if they dont I'm scared they will make the same bad choices I did and get hurt.I know its unavoidable to protect them always,they have to get hurt to learn and grow but still..They are like my own children,I was there for just about everything when each one was born.I refused to miss out on their lives even when I lived down south.I called every day,pictures everyday,saw them on skype for a long time.I made sure they knew I was thinking of them always,sent them presents every few weeks..yeah I spoil them rotten.When I babysat for money usual that went to spoiling the kids,maybe a pack of smoked for me too but most of it went to them.I took them with me everywhere,and made sure my friends behaved around them.

Yeah I was born to be a mom,I cant wait till I am one day..well if Master would ever want that.But that talk can wait for now.But I can still dream about it all I want, and I do.Holding a sweet little angel thats all mine,that no one could take from me.Thats one thing I'd have control of in my life,my child.I'd kill anyone who even thought of taking my child from me.My baby boy would be my whole word,he'd grow up to be a good man,I'd make sure of it.He'd know he was loved every day,that I am always here to help him and guide him,I'd never judge him..he could be gay,straight,purple,green..I dont care as long as he's happy and safe. I'd never be afraid to hold him in line and make sure he knows wrong from right,and I'd always be fair.I had parents who either didnt care or overreacted to the wrong things, I never knew what was what with them,what I could do,what I couldnt do..the rules changed day by day.There were certain rules I knew from instinct with my parents,things I just picked up on but they liked to make up shit out of the blue alot.I hate that,I cant live like that.I have to have clear set boundries,know what is allowed,what isnt in every situation.I get in trouble in life alot because Im not very good at judging how to react in certain situations and my mouth seems to run faster than my brain.If I dont know what not to do how am I to behave? I tried explaining this to my parents..I got grounded for six months,no exceptions.Not very fair..yeah,I'm going to be a good mom.

WOW i wrote alot tonight.I should be getting to bed now.

Night night.

Its rather disturbing how big sisters seem to pick up on the little things wrong with you,even when you think your in a good mood.My oldest sister walked into my room,sat on my bed and first thing she said was "Ok so whats wrong?" Which really got me confused because I didnt realize I made it look like something was wrong.I'm having a good day,my lifes no where near perfect but I wasnt pouting,complaining,whining,bitching..nothing.But somehow she knew something was wrong,of course I denied it and we started arguing back and forth,not bad arguing more like playful sister type arguing. I mean just because I've been depressed more than usual lately dosent mean anything is seriously wrong,and besides I'm feeling great today.Talking about my problems will just make me sad or pissed...besides I'd much rather continue to talk with Master, did I mention my sister just had to walk in to bitch at me when I was in the middle of fantasizing? So not cool in any way shape or form..hornyness and family just dont mix.

Home from dinner,tummy is nice and full.Tired abit,it was alot of fun hanging out with the kids.Laughing and joking around for once.Ate some very delicious food my sisters boyfriend cooked.Spanish turkey was amazing <3 definately need to learn to make that.Pretty sleepy from all the turkey,I didnt eat alot but I ate till I was full...and its been three hours! I'm still full! Going to lay down for a little while till my brother brings my neice over for me to watch for a few hours.Hopefully she'll be asleep so i can just cuddle and sleep to.I'll be back on later.

Happy Turkey Day again to all my friends.

Oh by the way..my list of what I'm thankful for this year.I write one every year to remind myself of the little things most people forget.

 1- I'm thankful to have a roof over my head,and a pillow beneath it.I've been homeless before and am thankful that I'm not homeless once again.

2- I'm thankful for my bestfriends,who love me despite how annoying and bitchy I can get.I dont know where I'd be now if it wasnt for them.

3- I'm thankful for my family..I may not like them,they may not like me but they are part of me and I love them with all my heart.

4- I am thankful for the  most beautiful,halarious, sweet,sassiest 14 neices and nephews any auntie could have,and am glad they are all healthy,happy and somewhat normal lol.

5- I am thankful for my Master,I am honored that he choose me to be His.And i dont think I could be any happier today that He did.

And last but not least I am thankful to have had the opportunity to grow and learn over the years,to become the person I am.I am thankful for life to put it simply.Most people dont realize just how fragile life is,how in one second your could be over.I've had alot of close calls in my life, been declared dead twice but still made it somehow. And for being here I am thankful.

Bye bye everyone.Talk to you later.

Happy Turkey Day to everyone!!!

I'm up and about,getting ready to go to dinner.It would have been better if I could have spent all day laying in bed,talking to Master.Instead I have to put on pants,go out in the cold,to eat dinner with family and a bunch of strangers I dont know. And have them look me over like I'm a freak sure, dinners at my sisters house and my sister is a complete snob. She goes broke every payday buying expensive stuff to make herself look fancy. Like shes ashamed to be herself,and I know the real her.This posh little act of hers isnt her.My sister used to be the coolest person I knew,my idol actually.Funny,smart,talented, tough,thin,beautiful. Now shes snobby,cold,a know it all, way too thin that it actually takes away from her beauty. She used to think my oddness was great..Now she refers to me as "strange". Whenever I go to her house I feel like whitetrash,but honestly.I'd rather be PROUD white trash then pretend I have high class.

I am who I am,and I never claimed to be fancy or high end. Simple girl,with strange taste and odd sense of humor.And dang proud of it.High society...not for me. I think if I wore a dress and pearls the world would explore...dress and leather choker..more my style.

Feeling better today,almost back to myself.The potluck at work went great,though I only took a bite of everything..No appetite again which sucks.But cant eat if your not hungry.

Hoping to spend my night talking to someone very special,someone I'm really starting to like,alot.Not sure how things will pan out but I'm feeling good about it. After a long line of close calls, misunderstandings, heart break, and revenge it would be nice to have something turn out right for a change.And I think He will.I really feel right about Him...but of course to be honest..usually when I think something feels right it turns out to be wrong.

Maybe he can be the right kind of wrong for me..

Yeah I stole that from a Leanne Rimes song lol.

So today was a rather horrible..started out horrible and stayed that way till my brother finally got a clue and left. I'd rant as usual about what happened but this time its too personal..to much for me to put out there for everyone to see.

I feel torn up right now from the inside out..I feel like I'm holding myself together for another person to just walk up and knock me back down.I thought my luck was changing,things started getting better but reality bitch slapped me today and reminded me of who I am.Of what my life is.And where I grew up.

I know alot of people say its not where your from,its who you are and what you do with your life but thats not always true.

I escaped where I grew up,I fought to become the person I am today and now I'm back where I grew up..and according to certain persons I know I'm not worth the air I breathe.So yeah...fuck nuture. Nature got me screwed too. 

I'm just angry...not pissed off..not mad..I'm straight up angry and want to do damage.

Wow i so didnt expect that much help,but thank you to everyone.Its all off..till she gets me back I'm sure.lol. We love just being silly sometimes,and having fun.

I really appreciate all the help,thank you.

And yes..WD40 Is amazing lol.

I have a little issue and it just occured to me that someone out in Cm might actually have advice on this.

How do you get duct tape residue off a bedpost? Hot soap and water dosent seem to work.

And sadly no,it wasnt used for what most would assume.I was playing a prank on my bestfriend a few nights ago using duct tape, a feather and shaving cream..yeah it was funny!

But seriously..any hints on an easy way to get rid of duct tape residue?

Laying in bed,groovin to some good music.Determinded to have a good night.No drama,no bullshit. Had a few bad hours but I'm ready for fun.Even if that just means me layin back with the puppy love +giggles+ i love my doggie, being abit 420 and listening to music.<3 sounds absolutely amazing right now.

What brought on this good mood? I realized how lucky I am to be me, to be as free willed as I can be and for knowing what I deserve in life.

My ex called, he acted real nice so I sat and talked to him for abit,he started crying..said he missed me,my laugh,the way I stumble over my words when I'm nervous and blush when i feel shy..I was shocked at first but told him honestly that I didnt have feelings for him like that.Those died a long long long long time ago,I'm not looking for someone like him. He got mad,flipped quick to call me nasty names, tell me I should die, that I dont know what a 'real' man is. That I deserved all I got from him because I was worth less than spit on the road. Oh I loved that one,sure got a rise out of me. I was calm though..told him "Thats perfectly fine if you think that,but what you realize is what you think no longer matters to me,dosent bring me up,dosent bring me down.Your a 'has been nothing' I deserve a 'happily ever after' Go fuck yourself" and hung up,blocked his number and now I'm floating high.

I'd never in my life straight up told someone they were nothing to me,even my worst enemies in this world.I hate the phrase..I heard it alot in my life..no one should be nothing.But he was,he is and he always will be.And I'm happy.I feel good about myself..hell I feel sexy as hell right now too.Nothing boosts a girls confidence more than knowing there is a guy out there that wants her,desires her,is obssessed with her..even if she wants nothing to do with him.

Yeah I know..the mind of a girl is strange,complex and yes I will admit a tad bit shallow and petty at times.But oh well..thats just girls.

Big man and lil one called about, my only real life lifestyle friends, apparently they want me to come to dinner with them and a few of their lifestyle friends. Not sure if I should..No strings attatched of course,Big man would never bring me around people I wouldnt be completely safe around,and I trust them but I've never been around that many people within the lifestyle in real life before since I was like..14 and snuck into an underground club behind Big man and lil one..and I was there all of two seconds before they realized I didnt go home and drove me there themselves.Big man was always big on me waiting till I was older before learning all I wanted to know..said I should stay a kid while I could..yeah right.He should have known I would try..lol sneaky is what I'm good at.

Well I have three days to decide if I'm going to go to this dinner or not...eep..that means three days to fret and worry about it,change my mind over and over again..then give in as always and go cuz lil one will look at me with her big brown eyes and say "pwease" and I'll go.

My nephew thinks hes so awesome because he has his very first little pocket knife.I was teasing him and he said "know what I have in my pocket" I said "what" he said "my knife" i said you know what I have in the kitchen"..he said "what" I said "alot of knives" lol ownage! Yeah I talk smack to a nine year old..but I love him. Wish he'd go back to being two and adorible.I used to spoil him rotten..now hes such a little smartass!

Had a rather interesting day.Woke up in a great mood,smiling and joking around with my mother.Got my baby neice bathed and dressed,fed her then got ready for work.Woke my bestfriend up and sent her out to job hunt.Lol yeah most days I feel like her mom but its ok.Got to work,had a really great day.Worked up front with this kid B. lol B cracks me up with jokes daily..and I think its cute how he blushes if you make a sex joke.And I'm full of them. He was helping me fill up the ice machine and his hand touched my ass,I know it was an accident but I couldnt resist saying " Oh baby thats nice!" he turned as red as a tomato and took off running,hit a wall and fell.It was halarious! I helped him up and couldnt stop laughing. My boss wasnt very happen but even he got a laugh out of that one.

Well I'm just having a great day...Its rare but today I just feel good,nothing bad happened.I got to eat dinner for once.Its just nice to have one day go right after a long time of straight bullshit days.

Ahhh I hope this lasts!

Well I'm sexually frustrated right now,cant get my mind off sex, and in a really playful mood.Not sure what to do..damn I'm lonely.

Hmm  thinking about things.In a good mood,contemplating my personality.Analyzing my actions over my life.So far I've discovered my submissive nature,my kindness,my anger issues,my insecure nature..i always want to please and seek approval though I hate to admit it, my pride, my loyalty, my sense of responsibility to others..I tend to blame myself when bad things happen to those i love..i feel I failed to take care of them, my stubborn side I truly hate to be wrong and sometimes will argue rather than admit I'm wrong, my fear of confrontation with those I respect and yes even fear in a way. I dont like being yelled at..if I was with a Dom and he yelled at me I'd cry,run and hide as fast as I could.But also I know I have my moments where I'd react diffrently..I fight back,I yell back. I've never yelled at a Dom,even rude,disrespectful Doms. My instincts are diffrent around dominant personalities, in the vanilla world I portray myself diffrently,though the same.I'm more outspoken and loud,abit wild I guess but my values never change.i still work hard,I still get what needs to be done done and I still accept when i do things wrong and work to fix and resolve the issue.

Hmm I dont know I'm just a complicated personality i guess.There are just many sides of me trying to work with one mind.But I'm ok with that,I understand myself,lets just see if there is someone out there that can understand me too.

Funniest thing I've seen all night. My nine year old neice,who is adorible and sweet as can be was over for a little bit with my sister.Its late so she was grumpy and tired,she was whining she wasnt tired when my sister said time to go home for bed.My sister told her to go get in the car and my neice walked out the front door,slammed the screen door,planted her little feet firm and said "I'm not fucking tired damnit!" I busted out laughing before I could stop myself! It was too cute.Big man just smirked and looked at lil one who blushed.(Im sure they expeirenced a more grown up version of that scenario) lol.

But it was too damn cute! My sister ran out the door,yanked her up and smacked her ass,and told her to march! My neice didnt even cry at first,she began running to the car then turned around screaming and crying that she didnt even do anything! lol.she was asleep before they even left the driveway! awwww!

So I was told today that I'm a very confusing person and difficult to get along with. So of course that got my mind whirling about myself. Am I confusing? Am I difficult?

I think I'm simple but at the same time I know myself better than anyone,and can understand my own rambles...sometimes.But I always try to make myself clear to people,and be honest.Sometimes the honesty is too much for some,and makes me seem crazy or cold hearted but sorry.I have no balance when it comes to talking online.I never seem to know if I'm saying too much about things,or how to keep myself on just one topic. I get so involved in my writting,and I want to share so much with so many people that I just ramble and blab and hope someone can decipher me enough to read between the line sometimes. 

I get I'm just kinda depressed and analytical tonight. Thinking to much and feeling lonely.

It would be just really amazing to find one guy who knows me like I know myself, dosent need me to explain to him why I feel how I feel, someone I can trust and depend on to actually be there for me,to build me up instead of tear me down. Domminance is great,definately something I need a man to have but thats not all I need and no one really seems to understand that. I'm not JUST a peice of property to some man, I'm NOT a doormat. I HAVE a brain.  I want to be respected,loved,cherished and owned. I want to make one man happy for the rest of his life,I'd do anything to make the right man happy.

Its just in my nature to care for others,to put their needs before my own,no matter what that entails.

I mean every girl likes to get off but my pleasure dosent really matter to me..sometimes im a nympho who cant seem to stop but given the chance to make someone else come,to make them explode and I will...

+sighs+

Yeah..depressed tonight..sorry.

So my bestfriend came in and told me she got locked out of her moms house because her mom flipped out on her and she couldnt get her stuff.I looked at her and said "thats why you always hide a key where only you would look" She just started laughing.But its true. I've been in alot of situations with past boyfriends where I got locked out for pissing them off,didnt do it on purpose.But I have a habit of arguing and debating things,and ended up locked out.After that happened I hid a key,so when it happened I could let myself in,get my shoes and keys and leave.I'd call the next day,we'd talk.Things would be ok.

Same principal for her moms house,as long as when she dosent go back in she dosent make a scene everything will work out.Sometimes people just need time to cool down,clear their heads and then work things out.Weather thats talking out and making up, or punishment,then talking and making up.

Though I wouldnt suggest sneaking back into your Doms home,grabbing your shit and leaving.The phone call the next day might not go very well..trouble doubled.

I am watching crimminal minds and Penelope (my favorite character in the world) who is the tech analysis for the BAU is talking to Special Agent Derek Morgan of the FBI's Behavioural Analysis Unit (yeah I love this show) about her bestfriend being kidnapped and he says she cant go with them to save her,its too dangerous. So she stands up,takes her heals off and says "Alright if you dont want me to go your going to have to forcibly removed me from the SUV" And walks straight up out of the office!!!!

OMG!!!!!!!!! fucking halarious. Probably something I would have tried in the same situation but damn..It was funny!!!

Well my weekend was amazing but today sure sucked. Woke up at 5 am to my brother slamming on my bedroom door,yelling he needed me to watch the baby and mom said I was. I opened the door,took my neice and slammed it in his face. I laid in bed with her,fed her,burped her,then went to sleep with her snuggled in her own little spot on the bed,where I couldnt roll on her or hit her if I moved.He woke me up again screaming at me that I was going to kill his child.I told him to chill out,I've been taking care of babies since I was 4 years old and changed my first neices diapers and put her to bed for my sister.I knew what to do and how to be careful.A baby fusses once and I'm wide awake.Its instinct..and abit of paranoia but its ok.He refused to stop screaming till I reminded him his newborn daughter was in the room,then he made my sister in law take her upstairs and continued to tell me how immature,irresponsibile and all kinds of really nasty things.I told him I was sorry if he didnt like how I slept with her but I was left in charge of her,if he didnt like how I handled her then he didnt have to let me babysit again,that would hurt but i'd understand. he got even more pissed! what the fuck,i tried to be understanding and got treated like shit,so i went to walk past him and he stopped me...i wont go into detail how,lets just say my arm hurts really bad,so bad it hurts to type so im doing this one handed,its not broken,just sprained.not biggie.the bruises suck but eh.

so yeah my day fucking sucked.im thinking of calling the cops on his ass,but its complicated in this house...being homeless again would suck.

I heard a really interesting quote today.I cant remember where I heard it though.

It was.

Without Order There Would Be Chaos,But Without Chaos There Would Be No Purpose For Order.

Know what I miss really bad right now.Taking a night hot bubble bath after a long night at work.Soaking in the tub,maybe reading a good book or trolling the net.I used to have the best tub set up.Me and kay paid so much money for a extra large jacuzzi tub ,set in deep with steps up.The nicest thing in our apartment but worth every penny.We had so many candies and types of bubbles and oils.She went out every payday and spent mad money getting us all the nice expensive stuff.I loved it.Especially my lavender body set, oil,bubbles,salt,beads.It was perfect.But now I have to take showers,uhhh I hate showers.Ok they get you clean but you have to stand up and you cant relax fully.Sometimes i sit and let the water fall over me,I've done that since I was little,I like the feeling for some reason.Thats the only time I relax in a shower lol. I want my baths back.But doubt that will happen.Ever again.

Wow I've had a long night,I'm a tad bit grumpy,I hope that dosent come off in my messages.I'm trying not to give attitude,but when I start getting tired and frustrated it tends to happen.If I offend anyone I'm sorry,your best bet would to ignore me till tomarrow then discuss it with me. Yelling at me or berating me wont work right now,I know myself enough to know I wont be unable to resist my rebellious side for long tonight.

Today was just a straight up bad day, my grandma and aunt get in a car accident.Grandma is ok but my aunt had to be life flighted to a better hospital and Im still not sure what all happened.I was at work when all this happened and got a call while working.I couldnt leave because I was closer.Which sucked.But I'm good at controlling my emotions at work,i dont like crying infront of people.I'll hold it in for hours,days even before I finally cry. Sometimes I cant,but if I'm busy like at work I can do it.In school it was easier,to cry infront of my enemies was a fate worse than death in highschool. I was already ridiciuled on a daily basis because of who me and my friends were. We were pretty much the nobodies but damnit we ran that school behind the scenes. I knew all the teachers by first name,me and kay did all the filing instead of going to class,we added referals for detention to peoples files and destroyed ours.I wiped my record clean a few times. And no matter what anyone said about me I walked around with a smile because I knew I was higher than them.Not better but higher,I was on a diffrent level because I didnt care about them,I never talked shit about them because it was pointless to me.They meant nothing,weather they lived or died my life wasnt effected.I only worry about those in my life, those who matter. My family,my friends and my bestfriends. As long as i have those I care about I'm good,and weather they like me or not they are mine. i love them and my bestfriends love me. my family..well they love me but in their own little fucked up way. i know if i truly needed them and called they would come running,maybe out of some fucked up loyalty but they would be there. my bestfriends would be in trouble with me lol,i wouldnt have to call.

well im done rambling..im abit loopey lol.

I randomly asked my bestfriend if she'd ever move to Arabia..she smirked and said "Sure would, as soon as they allow mini skirts,tank tops and free speech." I couldnt stop laughing.Oh god how I love her lol.

Well there is a cute little baby girl laying beside me right now. Three weeks old with the prettiest little smile. I swear I love being an auntie. Yeah I'm disapointed in some of my neices and nephews but i love them all. They arnt perfect little angels like I wish they were, they do stupid things, make mistakes just like me, and sometimes need someone to remind them how they are supposed to act. Sadly my sisters dont do their jobs right but oh well,I'll try to correct what I can and help them when I can. This little sweetie pie is my last hope that someone can leave my family happy and whole.No peices missing,no troubles, I hope she will go to college, use her mind and do what it seems no one else around here could. I tried and failed, I fucked around so much I destroyed alot of what I was given and shit on the rest. I didnt mean to,it was all in fun but still I accept what I did. I never went to class, disrespected alot of people.I proved I am my fathers daughter, an old rebels wild child.I did what I wanted,when I wanted and if I didnt get my way there was hell to pay. I thought of myself first,even when i thought I was doing right and thinking of others. I never saw myself as bad, never thought I was hurting anyone. Till the shit hit the fan and no one came to my rescue but my three bestfriends.

I just hope those kids never go threw it,especially this little beautiful girl.

Yeah Im wide awake,in a weird mood.Really want someone to talk to,a distraction would be nice.

Feeling abit better now,my head hurts but atleast my stomache is somewhat ok now.Sore for some reason but thats not bad. Watching tv and chatting with a few people.  I cant stand being trapped in bed all day with not a single thing to do.I cant get out of bed without someone yelling at me to get back in bed. I couldnt even take my dogs for a walk today! I wish I was back in my apartment, then I could be sick and no one ever told me I had to stay in bed. Here I cant do anything under my mothers watchful eyes, and she keeps trying to force medicine down my throat. I know I sound like a crybaby but I cant help it..Being stuck in bed and forced to take medicine all day is like slow torture to me.I hate sitting still.Its worse than a lecture..almost.

Well Ima stop my whining now and find a silver lining..maybe I can do laundry or something..yeah I must be bored..I hate folding cloths lol.

Time for this little sassy pants to be heading to sleep.I stayed up all night not feeling good,got told I couldnt go to work because I stood up off the bed and fell over dizzy so I'm trapped in bed all day and all night.Which really sucks because I get bored.Maybe after I take my nap I can sneak past kay and ride up to work,maybe convince my manager to let me work a few hours. I mean that cant be too bad right? I'll be working not running around town in the cold. Might piss kay off but oh well,she'll get over it when I get paid and buy her candy +giggles+ I'm good at bribing her to stop being mad at me,dosent work on everyone I know but always works on my sis/bestfriend.

Well enough stalling for me,sweet dreams to everyone.I'll be back on later today and probably most of the night!!! 

Cant really sleep right now,I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open but when I lay down my head keeps spinning with so many things. I have so much I need to do and so much I've already done,so many things stressing me out and having me worried that I can barely remember to eat.Infact I think I forgot to eat again today,oh well I'll just grab something in the morning.No wonder im losing so much weight,so much stress,so much working and little food. Not the best way to lose it I know but I cant seem to get myself on track lately. Still reeling from my almost happy moment with a guy who turned out to be a jerk a few months ago,he was really sweet and all, thought he was the one but he turned out to simply want a 'hit it and quit it' type relationship, and I'm not the girl for that. I dont want a quicky,or a quick fling that last a few weeks and goes no where. He couldnt accept that,his loss. Someone will want to keep me someday, might even know how to handle me without destroying me..hopefully..

Well kay went to bed early,now I'm sitting on the front porch,listening to music and thinking about alot of things. Kinda proud of myself today,I took a stand against an ex of mine.

Hes a nice guy I guess but since I've moved back he has it in his head that I'm his girl again.Thats not the case.I'm not looking for something I've already had,but of course he dosent understand that I am not interested.That I'm looking for more than half of what I need. 

Today he showed up at my door just as I got out of the shower,kay was still at her moms and my parents had ran somewhere or another. I open the door and he just walks in,kisses my cheek and tells me I look beautiful.I told him thanks and said he had to leave,he got mad so fast I barely saw it coming.He started to lecture me about showing respect,I started laughing.I told him he could either leave or I'd make him leave.He didnt believe me.He kept talking as I walked downstairs to my room,grabbed up my baseball bat and walked back upstairs.He looked at the bat,looked at me then said "you wouldnt dare girl" I giggled and swung once,not aiming and it almost hit him.He jerked back,and tried to order me to put it down.I almost did for a second then cocked it back again, I told him to leave, I didnt invite him over.I didnt want him there. Needless to say after a few more swings and close calls he finally got the hint and left.It felt good to do that. I hate being mean,hate ordering people around, hate not being myself but damnit I wasnt taking his crap anymore,I'm not his.He dosent own me,he has no authority over me...

and now he knows what'll happen if he ever gets it in his head again that I'm his.

Wow I'm rambling alot today but I cant help it.I'm bored,I have no one to talk to now and nothing to do.So I may just keep posting journals all night.Atleast some people will get a good laugh at my randomness today.

Funny conversation I just had with Kay.

We were sitting on the front porch listening to music and she bust out saying "I fucking hate men,Ima buy myself a dildo and be done with it all." At first I just laughed then said "Oh you'll be back on men like white on rice soon enough" And so of course she said "Why?" I just smiled and said "Because your dildo wont be able to hold you all night,wipe away your tears, or say I love you.It can only give you a good fuck" I was so not expecting her to say "Exactly! I have you to love me,but damnit I need some dick!!"

Oh my gosh I almost pee'd my pants at that one. <3 I love my bestfriend.Its little moments like this that make me remember the good times in life. Oh and that shes a fucking hornball lol! Almost worse than me..though I dont think i've ever said "i want me some dick"...+giggles+ Ok atleast not outloud..see I can be a lady..sometimes.

Just got in from work,heading to shower soon but felt like checking my messages for some reason.Good thing to,I got a good laugh. A tip from me for anyone who would like to say hi, telling me I look naughty and that your into webcam play isnt a way to attract my attention. I'm not here for a cheep thrill. I wanna meet people,talk,get to know people and learn what I can where I can. If I wanted a cheap thrill I'd go upstairs and flush the toliet while my mother is in the shower..her chasing me threw the house beating me with a towel definately gets that adreniline pumping lol.

Sorry,I dont meant to offend anyone or say they were stupid, just giving a helpful hint.

I deleted a few messages on mistake before I could open them so I know a few people are going to be offended,sorry. I really dont pay attention sometimes. I'm getting better at it though lol. Slowly but surely.

Well I should go shower and get my cloths washed.

Be back later I'm sure!

I should go to sleep but its hard to fall asleep in this house. I wish I was back in alabama, in my bed,in my room, of my apartment. Not laying in my OLD room,the same one I grew up in with the pink butterflies everywhere...laying here reminds me of so much that I fought to forget when I left home.But now I'm here and I cant sleep, I can see the little hearts me and kay drew when we were 13 that have the little tally marks in it from our breath holding contest lol. I always won and she always tried to cheat.I remember when my mom found those hearts,she didnt stop screaming for hours but she never covered them up,

I wish I could feel at peace here but this isnt home anymore,its like walking into a house you know by heart but then all of a sudden everything is diffrent. I'm rambling now..But I cant help it..I want to go home <3. Where it was just me and kay, our doggies and the mean old cat we found. It was crappy, and damp and smelled like tuna sometimes but it was ours, we fixed it up ourselves, we bought the furniture ourselves, we had our own rules and never had to explain why we did things how we did. Now we are living with my parents, kay and my mom fight everyday, and I have nothing to call my own. All our stuff is in storage and we had to give away our cat and two of our doggies, now we only have max and zoe...Is it bad that I just want my own place again? Something thats mine? Something no one can take from me?

+sighs+

Yeah..alot on my mind tonight..

Just got off work,it wasnt a bad night.Busier than hell for a saturday night but oh well.I did get abit frustrated though, I was all set to deck mop the floor,had already poured steaming hot soapy water all over the place and five cars came threw the drive thru..ugg it was horrible,my pants got soaked as i ran back and forth to make the sandwhiches, then i had to start from scratch cuz all the soap dried by time i got done. then just as i started again more cars came. i threw the mop at the back door and began cussing up a storm, my manger who is also my sister in law began laughing at me,so i threw lettuce at her lol.

Nights like this are crazy yet funny.

I'm in a good mood.Wish I had someone to talk about.

Especially this really sweet person I just met, I love to talk to him.

Hope I get to tomarrow.

Sweet dreams everyone.

Hugs from me.

Just crawled out of bed and opened my eyes.It was nice to actually get six uninterrupted hours of sleep for once,I didnt have to wake up to make coffee,walk the dogs,nothing.It was pretty nice. I have to head to work in a few hours,hopefully I'll find someone to talk to for alittle while.

Checking out a few links a new friend has shown me, didnt realize there was that big of a BDSM community by my hometown..guess that explains how my bestfriends stepdad always found a fetish ball to go to on halloween I guess. Yeah he didnt know we knew where he was going, it was less weird to just keep that to ourselves. No one wants to talk to their stepdad about his liftstyle choices,or hear him go into detail.Which he was prone to do when drunk! Lol some good stories we heard.

Well I should stop rambling here for now,no ones listening anyway.I just have an unstoppable need to talk to myself today I guess.

Hmm I'm up late tonight,cant sleep again. Was hoping to talk to someone tonight but no ones around. Kinda having a low day, been fighting with just about everyone today. Work was rather horrible,I got my first customer complaint today. I was cleaning tables and this guy who had to be in his fiftys atleast asked if I could get him a bag for his sandwhich I told him sure, went and got him the bag and told him to have a great day. I start wiping tables and he just stands there watching me.So I asked him if there was anything else he needed. He said he wanted some sauce to take home,I went and got it for him. he snatched it from my hand and said I got the wrong kind. I told him I was sorry but thats all we have..I got him three diffrent kinds of sauce by the way,not just one. He asked to speak to my manager,I said "sure sir I'll get him for you now" I got my manager,explained what happened and lead him to the guy.I come back out with my manager and this guy had thrown the sauces on the ground,stomped on them,making a huge mess then told my manager I did it. I was so shocked that I didnt even defend myself till my manager was shaking this guys hand and giving him a coupon for a free meal.Then my manager made me clean the mess up, and that prick stood there and watched while I got on my hands and knees with a sponge and cleaned it up.With a big grin on his face like he was happy he got me in trouble.Which has never happened before. I take pride in my work,I bust my ass everyday,smile and am sweet no matter how nasty anyone is to me and in one day some asshole changes everything.I even told my boss he was lying and he said "it dosent matter,I have to write it up" now is that fair? Customer is alright right? BULLSHIT.

I love my job,I'm good at it and I work hard at it but days like this show me how under appreciated us blue collar,bust your ass everyday,work till you cant stand people are.

See days like this make it impossible for me to sleep because my mind cant rest when I'm upset.

Why do I get stepped on constantly when all I do is try to make everyone else happy?

Gotta rant about this because I love children so much and it pisses me off how kids are turning out these days.Yeah im only 20 but I'm old enough to know the diffrence between kids today and how kids were when I was little.

A five year old girl came into my work today,screaming and crying,stomping her feet and told her mother "fuck you bitch I'm grown"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT THE FUCK!

To this day if I were to ever even think of saying something like that to my mother I would be backhanded so hard I wouldnt eat solids for two weeks. Wanna know what this mother did? She laughed and bought her daughter a milkshake!! what the fuck!

Kids these days are disrespectful,rude,ungrateful and just plain stupid and NO ONE seems to care enough to step in and put them back in their place.

I wanna be a mom one day,and I know damn well if I have a child and they disrespect me once they will never dream of it again when I'm through with them.

It just blows my mind that these kids are supposed to be the future when they care nothing about the present.And know little of the past.

America is dying,all because parents are afraid to crack out a belt.

I was whupped plenty as a kid,I was not abused.I was punished. Parents these days think if they spank they're kids their kids will be taken away.Hahaha not gonna happen.Spanking isnt illegal,there is no law against cracking out a belt or your hand and tanning alittle hide.

Ok my rant is over,I fell better now.

Just had to get that off my mind.Bugged me all day lol.

ok change of plans. im a witch for halloween.sam costume but with a hat lol. and green hair. lol im so happy. i love halloween,only time of the year i feel normal!!!

Well I'm broke again but my halloween costume is adorible.I'm going as a evil fairy queen.Got me a cute black dress I bought a few months ago,this see threw silver black cape covered in spiderwebs. yeah im happy. net stockings! oh god i love wearing these lol.since 8th grade I've worn them,though then I had to worry about a few certain boys calling me a hooker lol. arm nets were sweet too. well got ta go. talk soon.

Its been a really fucking long time since I've been on here,gosh my life went to hell and back then back to hell again.Crazy but I'm trying to make it stable again.I kinda feel like a hurricane right now,destroying everything I touch,demolishing it all no matter how hard I try to keep it together.Yeah Its a strange feeling.I dont like it.

Hmm so looked at the titles for the chatrooms today,but I'm too shy to go into a chatroom.I dont like being surrounded by alot of people I dont know,even in the vanilla world I shy away from crowds.I'd rather be with a few friends,laughing and having a good time.Or at home reading a book.Maybe thats my problem,I'm to downright scared of being in a place where I cant control whats happening.lol as silly as that might sound I get kinda nervous,even anxious when surrounded by people because one person,if i truly had to I could beat. two,three,four,five.NO CHANCE in hell.i know that,they'd know that and I'd be done for.and even though gang rape might be a fun fantasy I'm not sure i could handle that,what i can handle at this moment is not enough for that at all!. but atleast i know i need training, i know i need to learn and grow. and i want to.very very much i want to. but i have to be patient and wait, thats all anyone ever says these days. wait for him or her to come to you,they're out there somewhere. well i dont want them to be out there somewhere,i want them to be in bed with me curled in their arms. and it downright pisses me off that im not.

yeah i started to rant abit.

im sorry. i do that sometimes.

i try not to but when im tired and in pain it happens.

well..hope i find someone to talk to soon.

Sitting in the ER, wrapped in a blanket, dressed in my fuzzy pj pants and a hoodie, my entire body weak and tired, everything hurting.My stomache turning,feeling like utter shit right now.And to top it off I detest hospitals so much,I'm utterly terrified of hospitals and rest homes.But Sir said to go, so here I am. He didnt force me at all, simply stated I should go, but even a simple suggestion from him carries so much weight so soon,I cant help but do everything he asks or commands, its my nature to obey..and from him it comes so easily. I relax around him, he fits what I need in a Dom to a T. Im hoping I keep pleasing him and he wants to keep me, I'll understand if he dosent.

Oh I must stop rambling now..its a horrible habit I have.

I think Im about to head back into a room now, the doctor is walking my way..

I swear if I see a needle I am running out of here..or better yet wheeling out of here since I cant walk..or stand..or sit up straight..

uggg i think i need to throw up again..i dont wanna cry!!!

Was laying in bed when kay walked in, tears falling down her face and said "he left me" I hugged her and said "you deserve better" She shook her head then laughed and said "finally a pain I dont like, he broke my heart" I giggled and grinned,kissed her forehead and said "true..but there is a beauty in the breaking" she just rolled her eyes,then began to cry again.

I wanna kill him for doing this to her,but yet I know tomarrow she'll be his again.

Stupid love.

Now this is what I call a true love moment :

Jay (one of my house guest) was sitting on the couch waiting for A (his gf) to get home (my place). She walked in from work,kicked off her shoes,slid off her coat, stood behind him as he was sitting on the couch,wrapped her arms around him and kissed him,then said "hey sweetie,are you hungry? I'll make you a sandwhich".

Jay stood up,spun around,picked her up in his arms,laid her on the couch,slid her socks off,handed her the remote and said "dont worry about it, I ordered pizza,extra cheese for you.I'll get you a moutain dew and we'll watch tv, relax baby."

I just about melted,how sweet of that.Him taking care of his women, treating her as good as she treats him. They are too sweet together,they never fight, sometimes they debate but they dont get mad with eachother.

He even gave her a a foot rub.........omg thats heaven to a hard working girl!!!

Well I'm laying in bed, curled up, trying to find someone to talk to.I have alot on my mind tonight and need a distraction.No I'm not looking to talk dirty or anything of that sort right now,I just kinda want someone to actually talk to, joke around.I dont think thats alot to want.I'm pretty good at being silly, strange and weird..so if you like bubbly girls who like to make you smile come talk to me please.I'm in a sweetie mood right now I guess, must be because I'm finally relaxed for once,not very nervous or jittery tonight.All the housework is done, dogs are fed, work in the morning but its sunday so I'm not going to be really needing energy at all.Drive thru window for sure, get to goof around with M and C all day.Wooo!. Well...I'll stop boring people now...night night, sweet dreams to all those headed to sleep.Good morning to those just waking up.

another thing i am very sad i have to say but apparently with all the scammers out there its absolutely necessary for me to say this so for once im going to do something i hate.I'm going to use all caps just so everyone gets my point..and i truly hate yelling.

I AM NOT AFTER MONEY FROM ANYONE.I DONT WANT IT, I DONT NEED IT AND I WOULD NOT ACCEPT IT EVEN IF IT WAS OFFERED.NO IM NOT RICH, YES IM DIRT POOR BUT I'D RATHER BE POOR THAN ACCPET MONEY I DIDNT EARN. I WASNT RAISED TO BE SPOILED AND I AM NOT SPOILED. I DONT EXPECT TO BE SPOILED AND PROBABLY WOULDNT LIKE TO BE SPOILED.IM NOT FAKE, IM A REAL GIRL LOOKING FOR A REAL DOM , DOMME OR MENTOR TO TALK TO AND POSSIBLY MORE. IF YOU DONT LIKE ME, OR FIND ME UNATTRACTIVE THATS FINE..STOP WASTING YOUR TIME TO TELL ME THAT AND FIND SOMEONE YOU DO LIKE.

DONT ACCUSE ME OF THINGS I HAVENT DONE OR HAVE NO INTENTION OF DOING. 

ONCE AGAIN..I DO NOT NEED MONEY FROM ANYONE.

Its kinda sad that I have to say this but I want to prevent people calling me rude names for not replying to them.

If you send me a message and I open it then dont respond right away just give it a moment. I'm probably chatting with a friend and will get back to you soon.

If I delete it without reading it means I'm not interested or it could be accident.Message me and let me explain if its that much of a bother really. I dont mean to be rude, but I'm one girl answer on average five people at once..I'm not super girl..I'm just cat. 

But if I dont respond and you send me rude messages,swearing at me because I didnt respond imeadately..well thats just wrong.If I havent spoken disrespectfully to you,why on earth would you think its ok to do that to me.I'm a submissive..not a doormat.

I was asked recently what does submission mean to me.

Well this is my answer.

Submission to me means willingly giving someone the right and privilege of having control over you.If its forced it isnt real submission..its something you give from your heart,your soul. Anyone can be forced to submitt, it takes alot of courage and strength to willingly submitt. You need to trust your partner, and know without a doubt that everything they do for you, to you and with you is for your own good. To help you grow and learn, to expand your mind and take you to levels of pleasure and even pain that you never thought possible. I am a submissive by nature, I crave to please weather I am pleased or not. I want to be the reason someone smiles, the pride in their eyes. The one they cherish above all else because I am theirs and theirs alone.

I have also been asked what am I looking for.

I am looking for a Domminant male or female who is gentle of heart but firm of hand.I love to cuddle and be adored but I have to know where the line is..what I can and cannot get away with. I love to obey and please,I will always try to obey but I do have a defiant streak in me..I get bratty and sassy. I am only human..I know I will make mistakes. I want someone who not only will help me correct these mistakes but honestly learn from them.Who wont put me down for not being the perfect girl, but will help me understand what I did wrong and why it was wrong. Someone I can share both my vanilla life and this lifestyle with. Someone who will help me discover my limits,and help me push them. 

Been asked alot of questions today. Mainly what my interests in the lifestyle are.

Well thats not really an easy question to answer..bondage,wax play,spanking, orgasm control are a few but there is alot of things I don't know..thing I have even thought of yet.I'm still exploring and I'm open to alot of ideas.

This I know I dont like : watersports, scat play, diaper play, animal play, pedophilia, blood play and exhibitionism. 

The list of my likes and dislikes will both grow with time I'm sure.

Talking to me you can learn alot more about me than I could ever write here,and the more I talk to you the more questions I will think to ask and the more I can learn.

I'm going slow with everything,I will not jump into anything. If you expect me to jump into your bed the moment I say hello then please dont even bother messaging me,I'm not easy or cheap..I'm not saying girls who do are, i'm just saying i am not and will not be like that. I want to know someone,trust someone, respect them and honor them before anything physical develops.

On another note some people have asked about more vanilla interests so I thought I'd share some more about the vanilla cat.

I love to read and write, being creative is my passion. I love kids, and never get bored with them. I love hiking for hours then jumping into a big lake and swimming till I can move then sleeping by a bonfire..just to do it over again the next day. 

I love to have fun, joke around and be silly.When I'm comfortable around a group of people I am outgoing and loud..the moment I'm uncomfortable I am quiet and tend to gravitate away from people. I speak my mind at most times, and love to help others.If I can give advice that makes someones life easier..I will.

Once you get me talking I hardly know when to shut up,but all I need is someone to say "hey im talking now" and I'll listen for hours.

I can be very mischievous and I'm told I'm as sassy as they come. I never seem to know when I'm crossing the line but nothing I do is ever with ill intent..and I jump to fix my mistakes and apologize.

Well i hoped i help some people understand me alittle better...talk to me if you want to know more.

What I'm looking for??

Right now I'm looking to meet people within the lifestyle that I can talk to and learn from,people with expeirence who I can ask questions to and get real answers.I'd love to make friends as well,people I can laugh with and talk to for hours.I'd love to find a Dom or Domme here one day, that would be great but I know I have much to learn before anyone will want me.

Also a mentor,someone to take me under there wing and explain things to me,teach me from their expeirence would be amazing,I'd be forever grateful.