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Monday night was a wonderful night. I was surprised when a good friend gave me a very generous gift when my lack of planning put me in a embarrassing spot. Then I was able to experience a wonderful demo on hot wax. Oh does that look like fun. I was then able to show off the handy work my Daddy left on my ass. That was from Saturday night. It was absolutely delicious. To the same friend, thank you for stretching the truth. Then there was this morning. Everyone was gone and I received another ass smacking. My morning at work was quite stimulating to say the least. I am a lucky little girl.
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I am very lucky to have the friends I do. Tess, thank you so much. All work out very well in the end(yes the pun is fully intended as witnessed by the Sunday AM wake up pics). This was the first time I have received a spanking as punishment, and Daddy did not let down his little girl. It is still smarting today and Daddy has been taking full advantage of it. There is more to books than just reading and to have it crack across sore red ass cheeks in a crowded bookstore. I could not stop smiling and saying thank you.
Last night could have gone very bad for lack of communication, yet we muddled through and came out the other end in fine form. Little did I know that Daddy's little disappearance had a very hot surprise for me!
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Daddy loves me. He gave me a good, hard, swift spanking and then fucked me hard. So Good!
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I find myself enjoying more and more the changes being wrought in me as I embrace my submissiveness more deeply. The one aspect that has been brought to the fore is that I find my sub nature expressing itself through service, without being ordered to do so. I just find myself cleaning things up when I normally would have let someone else take care of it. It is the feeling that comes over me when in the midst of it that I find fascinating. Take this morning, I took one look at the kitchen floor and wham, there I was sweeping and then instead of moping I was down on my hands and knees with a rag, cleaning the tile. I just so wish that our living circumstance would allow me to do this in just my collar, so I could be accessible to Daddy.
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It is amazing what a particular person person can do for your energy. I met with someone yesterday who has over the past year become a good friend. Now personally I have a little difficulty with that because when I am around her the energy is not between friends, even when that is what the social situation is. The sub in me surfaces even at the thought of being in her sphere of influence. I find myself getting distracted with thoughts of her twinning my pony tail around her fingers or of her spanking me, or best of all, wielding a neuro wheel while being connected to a violet wand. It does get in the way of conversation. That being said, the conversation and company was wonderful. I mostly want to thank T for the energy that she shares with me. Afterwords I find myself in light sub space and my focus of submissiveness is sharper. JOY!
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Saturday night was so much fun. Went to a meet and greet to see some wonderful people we have not been in touch with for a while. I had my hair up in pony tails as my Daddy likes and so does his friend Tess. We were going to a P. J. party and it worked well with my PJ's. Sitting next to Tess she began to scratch and tease me, right there in the bar, I could feel my body begin to tingle. When she began to wrap the length of one of my pony tails around her finger...I was lost, completely, totally and irretrievably. Thoughts of loud, cracking smacks on my ass, it burning beneath hand and paddle and what ever else she desired to use. Oh, after we got to the club...I was such a bad girl without the ability to enjoy that release that had begun earlier with Tess. Still I will have to be a patient little girl, and there is still my transgression of breaking my pearl necklace.
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Last night was a wonderful learning experience. I had made mention to a certain D that I was musing about writing a journal entry regarding eye restriction. All throughout my life I have had the problem of looking people in the eyes or even at their face while speaking to them. Therefore I believed that eye restriction would not serve the purpose it normally would. She explained to me that this is not an uncommon belief amongst subs and that it is being conscious of the inability to look up that then focuses the sub on the act itself and makes them realize just how much they do look up. She then proceeded to make her point. No explicit order was given, but it was clear I was to keep my eyes down. Now we were in a very public situation (night club) and I was interacting with others on a vanilla level, but with Her... well needless to say the point and lesson were driven home. Thank you Tess.
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The weather is perfect for the close of 5 days away from the daily grind of work. The first 2 days, the last day of the old year and the first day of the new were spent in joyous celebration with all of our friends. Those who are in the lifestyles we live and those who are not. It was wonderful and exciting with much dancing, biting (yes Tess i can still feel them) and indulging. So when Friday morning dawned it was time to to some internal searching and cleansing for the remaining time i had.
i fully expected this to be diffucult as i am doing a liquid only cleansing and i love food. Yet once i began, i found that it did not have the hold i believed it would. Now that's not to say that i didn't feel hunger, but it was experienced from a much different perspective. It has placed me very firmly in sub-space. i can see how deprivation would do that. Whenever i am near R i find myself wanting to kneel at his feet and have him order me to whatever suits his whim at the moment.
So the New Year has begun for me at least on a note of deeper understanding and anticipation of what will develop in the future.
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Spending time in movement together offers one great opportunity to speak about progress in training and in this relationship dymamic that is happening. The long walks we take, mostly late at night and sometimes in the dark of the morning offer us time for assessment and exploration in this journey of ours. I am thrilled to learn that He has harbored that secret desire to forcefully posses and use one has always been there, but buried and placed aside due to cultural and familal conditioning. Slowly it is being stripped away and new trust is being built in my willingess to be directed and corrected when needed. There is still worry and concern on His part that he will somehow overstep the Boundary and i will banish Him from my life. In some small way i am able to see how what we have gone through has effected his ablility to trust my desire in this lifestyle. I ache to have him take control of me and make me serve him. i am a willful child and i do not serve if left to my own devices. Sometimes the good girl appears and lives to please of her own accord, yet that gets old quickly and the lick of the lash calls or the memory of my long hair in a firm grasp and now the brat wants what she wants and will push boundaries, looking to be put in her place. The greatest difficulty is that we must share living space with those who would not understand. So the brat is seething, with hopeful thoughts of some strict lessons to come soon.
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It is good to be back on line and share in some of the process I have had to go through these past months. Due to a change in my living situation we have been exploring the neccessity of complete and total silence during our play sessions. The force of my orgasms is almost frightening. The energy I normally expend with sound has to go somewhere. He loves it as i continually quiver with every slow stroke. Recently we have returned the wheel to play. Normally i gasp, moan and wimper, yet now i must be silent so as not to alert anyone of what is happening behind our closed door.
I want to thank Tess for such a delicious gift from Saturday. I can still feel the bites on my neck, deep and throbbing. The fun part is there are no marks....a bonus as to it would cause me problems at work. What a wonderful skill you possess.
I did fix my pearl necklace, but I failed to count the beads that fell. I guess you will have to pick a number for my punishment.
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One's body is an amazing creation. We have been exploring my capacity for denial of that final release. When we first began I found myself in constant agitation and hyper-aware of sexual organs. The mearest brush against my nipples or my labia would make me gasp and shudder. After allowing my release and beginning the denial process again I found myself less agitated and focused on what I was experiencing, in a way it became almost like a program on the computer running silently in the background. Yet the slightest brush of his hands or just his asking how I was feeling would bring it crashing to the forefront. Now just being in his presence is foreplay. He is now requiring me to pleasure myself every day without release and on the weekends I am to do this while he watches. He has such patience and waits until I dare not one more stroke of my finger. Only then will he take me, admonishing me "Don't you dare cum!" It is becoming unbearable even as I sit here writting this. Yet I can feel something surfacing in me. I can feel my Brat wanting to break free and make him punish me. I have found that the way I express who I am in this lifestyle is the Good Girl/Brat. So far it has been the Good Girl who has been guiding us along. Now the Brat wants out, she wants violence done to her. She wants the Good Girl put in her place, over Daddy's knee with her ass being spanked until it is deep red and then she will have to service Daddy any way he wished. Oh so delicious a thought.
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The past 24 hours have been very educational to me. Last night there were events that did not go as planned, which at the time I did feel some relief at. Yet the overflow into today...I find that I wished things would have gone as planned so as to add to my experience and trainging.
Last night was almost a blur. I was wound so tight, touched and teased without the benefit of release. I found it broke a lot of barriers I normally have when at the club. While I am an exhibitionist, I normally have an energetic barrier that I let few, if any, through. Yet last night that came crashing down. It was interesting to be in sub mode for those who are close to me and who I wish to please, yet there is one who goes there infrequently who I was switching in to D mode for.
Then today, since I did as I was told to last night I was finally given release. We still have a way to go in my training to orgasm on command, but I find that what would normally release all that pent up energy, only lessen's it some. The point that I found myself wishing that things had gone as planned was when R was on top of me, so close, bringing me close but had not given me the command yet when I realized the scent that clung to him was HER. That almost undid me. He says they may try connecting next week. I hope so.
We have gone over my requirements as of today and they begin as soon as I wake up in the morning. This journey has been interesting for both of us. He is still struggling with doing what he thinks I want, instead of what he requires of me. After he had me pleasure myself almost to the point of release and then devestated my by saying, " I want to Fuck you, but you are not to cum" He did, I didn't. I was so in the space and had asked if he wanted dinner made. He told me " If you want to eat now, I will". It is that, whatever you want dear, thing that I am looking forward to being banished. I find myself so much calmer when given clear direction and consequences. We begin more training on Monday. All I want right now is for him to take me again....and leave me wanting.
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I find myself amazed at the resiliency of the human spirit and it's capacity for growth and change. Shortly after my post from yesterday I went for my walk. Shortly into it, I felt something shift in my thinking, to my suprise the doubt and resentment I had had at the situation from the previous evening was gone. I had shifted into a light level of sub space and began to view that event in terms of a lesson being taught to me. I am not sure what my transgression was, but it was almost comforting to see it from that point of view.
The evening turned out to be even better. I found out I really like ball gags and teasing and orgasm denial. Afterwards I found him looking at me with a mixture of amusment and wonder. He said I looked zoned out. I explained to him that I was enjoying sub space and that I find peace, calm and comfort in that place. All my inner chatter goes away after a session.
So our jouney continues as we both explore this new dimension. We have discussed my list and are now working on my requirements.
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My entry is short today. An incident happened last night that has opened a very dark symbol for me. I want to believe so bad that it is not what I think, but based on the past and the end result I am not so sure. It hurts when you believe that trust has been broken but the direct approach will yield no resolution. Now comes how to move on when things were going so well. I feel battered and bruised and not in the good way. How does one recover from something like this?
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The weekend has past and some events did not play out as one had hoped and then there were some that happened that had not been looked for. It seems the shy one is more shy than expected, it is either that or a game of chase me has been started. Sorry to say for her, he doesn't chase. The weekend get together was wonderful. The pool was just right, the people were wonderful, the ICE was soooooo cold yet so good. To MasterMajick, thank you for the experience. You have such good technique, maybe you would be willing to pass some of that on to my D.
The remainder of the week end was spent in discussion. My 'Surrogate Mistress' did some prodding for my benefit and it worked well. I am so lucky to have the husband I do. I will be receiving my list of required duties at the end of this week. Already I can feel the sense of calm descend, to soon be having the direction I need.
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I have finished my chain mail collar and I love it. I am conflicted as to if I wear it to the club tomorrow or wait and wear it to the party on Saturday. I have finally used up all the energy built by the events of last weekend. I have decided to be denied release again until Saturday. It seems the arraingment that was hinted at last weekend may be solidified this Friday. Now that the probability is strong for this to become permanent I find the excitement already growing. Maybe I will wear my cuffs tomorrow too, that way when they are in the back together I will be well into sub space. A lot of other knowledge has been unlocking for me also since last week. The patterns of energy that we share are shifting into modes that offer tremendous growth in this particular lifestyle. The specific mode of energy that both of us will be moving through for the next 3 years lends itself very well to our D/s exploration.
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I have been exploring how the restraints(mental and emotional) we place on ourselves are so much stronger than the physical ones. I have some jewelry that represents my restraint as a sub. I wore them to work today and learned a valuable lesson. In having done consciousness altering work for many years on a consistent basis I am able to shift relatively easy. The one factor I did not include was my morning walk into work. It is my daily meditative time and having begun the shift into sub space before I began my 2 mile walk, it sent me over the edge. I contemplated taking the bracelets(cuffs) off when in the heat of the early morning I felt like one does with a fever, that sense of chill on top of the internal heat of a fever. Yet I am stubborn and refused to give into the fear of what might happen. After some deep breathing and the routine that I have once I get to work, the overpowering presence of sub space receded and I was able to go through my work day with a deep sense of calm anticipation of what has been developing in my life. So may events and patterns are become clear and have been a great help in moving along my journey.
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New situations bring new challenges to ones life. I am sqirming with anticipation. My partner had the pleasure of another last night. My desire would have to been in the room, ordered in the corner to watch. Yet the other is shy and so I was to wait outside with my imagination. Now today I wait to see will I be further denied? He made to play last night after we got home, but I encourage him to not give into He got his so I must have mine. I believe he will quite surprised at the force and engery that will be behind my release when it comes. The situation has the potential to become a long term arraingment. Yet does he have any idea how he can use this to his advantage in our D/s relationship and create a very maleable submissive? The possibility almost makes my desire unberable. Yet I have made a secret promise to myself. No release until he gives it to me. Ah sweet agony!!
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After a few more sessions, I believe what really sends me into sub space is the act of being restrained itself. The past few play dates have been strictly with the quirt and the wheel, with me being free to move as I choose. Now while this still has a desirable effect on my arousal, I find I do not enter that altered state of sub space. It is gratifying to see that He now gets it, how the judicial use of pain makes my body that much more responsive. Slowly we will work on the mental sumbission I also crave. It is club night tonight and looking forward to my other release. I hope my friends are there that have been missed these past few weeks. Then there is the party next week. I so would like my friends to see what He can bring out of me and see that hunger in their eyes as I struggle.
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Another amazing session last night. Arms at my side, the rope biting as I struggled under the sensation of the neuro wheel along the back of my legs. Oh delicious that feeling of not quite pain, with the lingering note of pleasure as one sinks into their deeper self. Bound and anticipating and then the sharp crack of that lovely quirt. Already my husband can recognize how it plays me. How I will strain towards it in anticipation then jump as it nips. This is what having a LTR with someone does for you. Today was hell for some at work, but me. I could still feel the bruises on my arms blossom under my clothes. I saw snippets of bright pink nylon rope wrapped repeatedly around my breasts and a sense of calm, peace and rightness would settle in. This is what it feels like to accept a piece of your soul home.
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I am finally back firmly in my body. A day at work will do that for you. I was so pleased to see that there were lasting reminders left behind on my skin from my experience Wednesday night. There is a sense of comfort and rightness now that I have experienced that 'space' that comes along with playing out a scene. I now find myself wondering, I have been flogged and paddled before and not entered that kind of consciousness, so was it being restrained that will be my so called trigger? Or was it the intent of how I approached it that placed me there. Let's hope there is 'alone' time this weekend to find out.
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Even after a night to process, I almost cannot begin to describe what happened last night. We were lucky enough to have a good amount of alone time in the house, so I invited my partner to play. I offered two items I wanted to utilize, my well worn leather belt and the Wartenburg wheel. I indicated how I wanted to be restrained, arms behind me as I held on to my forearms and the rest I left up to him. Even though he insists that he only is interested in this because it is my scene, I believe he may be wary of the Dominant/Sadist in him. He suprised me by using the quirt that someone special to us gave to us as a gift. To that special someone....Thank You so much! For all that he is afraid of hurting me, he used that quirt on me so well. He would use that, then the heavy flogger, then a different belt with the wheel thrown in now and again. After a while I could feel the shift in to sub space. As I state in my profile we have just 'vanilla played' with this. Never have I experienced such a shift in perspective outside of ceremonial shamanic practice. At one point when the endorphins kicked in I could feel the area he was working on be just become a warm, almost soothing sensation. When we were done I didn't feel quite completely in my body, and found myself trembling. It was wonderful. Even this morning I still feel a little disconnected. This journey has now begun in ernest.
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I have been feeling somewhat disconnected lately in my life. It seems my thought process and emotional center are taking a break from one another. I have torrents of creative ideas that are swirling in my head and no direction into which to set them. These are the moments that being a switch personality can be very frustrating. I have yet to Master the ability to consciously turn on the more Dominant aspects of my personality. When I am in that particular head space so much gets done. It is when I am in the submissive mode that now when I have these moments of feeling lost and unsure that I crave the guidance of a Dominant in my life. It is somewhat of a relief that I can name what it is I am looking for now. The other person on this journey is still not quite sure if what I am asking for is what I really want. My procivity to span the sprectrum between D/s seems to discomfit him. I am finding that what I want to explore in my capacity of a submissive is making itself more known to me. I am looking forward to finding out just how it will be in the reality.
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One thing I will have to say for long term relationships is that you do not always have to be in the same place to exchange energy/power with another person. Just the other day I was enacting a conversation that I would have later that day. Within 2 hours I received a phone call which effectively erased the need for the talk that was to happen....or did it happen, but just not the way we are normally use too?
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Oh what a night last night was! Exploring more with new friends, freely exchange energy and power with not just those immediately involved by but by all those in the room. Thank you so much....I am so energized, yet so relaxed to day. What a wonderful gift you gave me. I also learned more about my journey in this and some of the aspects of the lifestyle that I would like to explore more. I found I very much enjoy and respond to the sharp bite of the wheel or the wand (especially both at the same time) I now wonder...what other sharp bites I might like?
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I am so thankful for those who in the community are looking out for those of us who are new(er) to the lifestyle. You know who you are! Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. It will help both him and I on this journey of self-discovery together.
It was a good down day today. No long, tiring drives or endless things to get done. It was a vegging day ;-).
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Enjoyed a different perspective today on the way to work. What a difference just being on the other side of the street make. Sat beneath a wonderful tree at lunch. For some out there it is only a tree. My special friend though will understand my sense of peace I receive from this.
As this just seems to be a musing kind of day the lyrics of a song I very much enjoy and find fitting for my circumstances:
"So take care what you ask of me,
'cause I can't say no."
Good Enough by Evanescence
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The weekend went wonderfully until 11:00 PM on Sunday. We then had a momentary glitch, but not to fear it was delt with effciency first thing Moday and all was well. Saturday was wonderful, new shoes, new dress, lots of music to dance to and some rosy red inner thighs. Thank you so much for that! Sunday was a treat heading North out of the heat. I now have an appointment with one of the premier tattoo artists in AZ for August(soonest I could book him) to do the tribal Raven I have designed for my back. Took the wild way back to Sedona, Schnebly Hill Road Rocks!!! Took our time through Cottonwood...possible new home...new job...new??? Then to cap it off was gifted by two Harris Hawks on my walk into work. I love my life!
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I came to an interesting understanding about myself yesterday. I was doing research on submissive training and came across an essay about the nature of the submissive and the possible development of the /s personality. I found that I was reading about myself. It cleared up a lot of the how and why I find myself drawn to this lifestyle. The idea in the essay that I truly admire was that we who find oursleves seeking to be submissive in our current society of "independant, self-sustaining" people begin to question if there is something wrong with us. The essay in turn suggests that we not ask if we are sick or if there is something wrong with us but rather how we can be our best within our service a submissive. I then came upon a blog entry of a woman who was questioning her submissive nature as her partner had taken on another /s who was of a different style that herself. She came to the understanding that her Dom was not of the style she needed. She require one who would develop her and give clear and consise direction of her service. I found that this brought about a lot of thought as to where I might be in the future if I find the firm and direct guidance such as she sought. Enough musings for now.
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I have been musing a great deal about my experience the weekend before last. My yearning is for finding the balance between yielding completely to the experience and the desire resist in giving up the power of saying "the word". I have found that stubborn streak in me when I am in the moment, yet I can think of nothing else but true surrender when I am not under contsraint. The bruises are finally gone, and yes one side was much brighter that the other. The surprise was that in the morning there was no pain when I sat down. It was only when the hot water of the shower needled my cherry red ass, that I felt that exquisite radiation of pain. I did show it off to all who would look too!
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Well the bruises are fading and almost gone. Truly I am sorry to see them go. I have begun to explore my limits and to enter into the expression of my sub side. When I experience most things in life whether they be pleasure or pain I tend to be introverted and internalize the sensation to focus it inward. Now I realize the circumstances that have been presented to me are to learn how to vocalize what I am exeriencing and share that energy with the one who is gracing me with their attention. I am looking forward to the next time.
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Oh Wow! Violet Wand play (receiving end) is soooooooooo much fun. Especially when you get to have someone you have been thinking a lot about do the honors. She is sooo good and I quiver at where she could take me. I could have been played with for hours. It is frustrating though when most of your friends can not understand the concept that if feels good when you have the sensation that your skin has been flayed. I know what I want for my 25th anniversary!
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