What makes him a "genuine" Dominant?

Recently I was asked how to define a "genuine" Dominant...

This is an excellent question and I want to offer a general response here.

My definition of a "genuine" Dom is one who is honest and experienced.

It may take you months or even years of dating or living with a Dominant before you can accurately determine if he is "genuine."

Here are some tips to help you along the way:

Honesty:

Does his age on his profile match his age on his license?
Is his marital status correct?
Do his photos match his likeness in person?
Can you count on his word 100%?

Experience:

Does he offer you real guidance?
Assignments? Readings? Sessions?
How much "hands-on" experience does he have with your kinky interests and fetishes?

Voice Commands and Body Positions

Slaves must be able to respond to verbal commands without hesitation.  If you are asked to move, you should do so quickly, but gracefully.  Do not run unless specifically commanded to, as it is unattractive and greatly increases the risk of accidents.

If you are working with a Mentor, you will be drilled until you can respond to voice commands with ease.  If you are working independently, the following activity will help you.

Activity:

Using a tape recorder application on your smart phone, make a recording that includes the following commands:  Come here, go, attend, present, open, down, worship, wait.  Wind the recording forward, then speak one of the commands into the device.  Wind the recording forward again a space, then speak another command.  Try to vary the order of the commands as well as the length of time between them.  You may also want to give two or more commands in quick succession.

When you are finished, you can play the recording and assume each position as you hear it (Please be sure to do some basic stretches before you begin to avoid straining yourself).  Obviously you should only practice at home or in some other private place (For the “come here” command, approach a specific chair; for “go,” face the same chair and exit the room without turning your back on the chair.  Practice both walking and crawling.)

Activity:

Record a second tape, but this time speak the commands more rapidly, one after the other.  Allow three seconds between commands (Count one one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand silently between commands).  With practice, you will be able to move gracefully from one position to the next.  You may find it helpful to practice in front of a mirror.  Try the exercise clothed, in lingerie and nude.

After you’ve been working with the command recordings for a while, try videotaping yourself as you assume the various positions.  You should work toward smooth, fluid movements without jerks or stops.

Anal Training

In the last week, I have been asked by 3 new subs about anal training.  Both were curious and didn’t know how to start exploring, so I decided to write this for their benefit.

First, anal training is something that shouldn’t be taken lightly.  You should never explore anal with a Dominant who is not experienced.  Soreness, infections and even occasional deaths have resulted from uninformed activities.  Additionally, a bad first experience often turns submissives “off” to anal play for the rest of their lives.

Anal play can involve inserting fingers, dildos, vibrators, vibrating eggs, anal beads and even an entire hand (fisting.)

I will start in the simplest and safest way—anal plugs.

Anal or “butt” plugs are a common device used to control sexual response and induce a submissive mindset.  By increasing the size of the plugs over a period of time, it is also possible to train the body to more easily accommodate larger items and enjoy anal intercourse.

Anal plugs come in an array of shapes and sizes.  If you are just beginning to explore anal play, choose a small plug.  Silicone toys tend to hold body heat well and are quite resilient.

Activity:

Purchase a good quality anal plug.  You may even want to buy one small one and one somewhat larger one “to grow into.”  Some anal plugs have graduated “bulbs” or “beads” for a one-size-fits-all effect.

Spend some time exploring your anus.  You may want to take a warm bath and a gentle enema.  Trim your nails and file them down so there are no sharp edges, or wear a latex glove if you have long nails.  Warm some lubricant in your hand and massage your anal area, including the perineum, the space just in front of the anus.  Circle the wrinkled outer surface of the anus with your finger.  Slowly insert your finger.  You may also want to stimulate your clit.  Allow your finger to rest just inside the sphincter.

Can you feel your pulse?  Experiment to see if you enjoy the sensation of fullness more, or whether you crave movement.  When you feel ready, apply lubricant to the plug and begin to insert it very slowly.  Stop if you feel any pain.  Your sphincter may try to clamp down on the plug.  Breathe deeply and relax, while you stimulate your clit.  When your anus has gotten used to the fullness, continue.  Some subs find that a twisting or screwing motion makes insertion easier.

Don’t worry if it takes several sessions before you can insert the plug all the way.  Once you have it in, relax for a while.  You may want to masturbate, or just observe the sensations.  Try walking around; a properly shaped plug won’t come out.

Written Exercise: What is a Slave?

Written exercises are meant to help clarify your own ideas; they may also form part of an interview process with your future Dom.  

Give yourself sufficient time to complete this exercise.

Exercise:

Take 3 slow, deep breaths and clear your mind.  

Jot down 20 or more words, phrases, images, or associations that come to mind when you hear the world "slave."  

Give yourself no more than 10 minutes to complete this exercise.  

Do not think; write.

Adapted from Abernathy

Sexual Service: Erotic Touch

Many Dominants are voyeurs.  Part of the thrill of control is watching a submissive carry out a task.  This includes sex.  Slaves are often called upon to “perform” for a Dominant by stripping or masturbating.

Exercise:

Find a time and place where you won’t be disturbed.  Dress up in your sexiest outfit and put on some erotic music.  Dim the lights, if it makes you feel good.  Allow yourself to move sensuously to the music.  Run your hands over your body.  Slowly remove your clothes, garment by garment.  When you are naked, begin to masturbate.  Stretch out on the floor or the bed and let yourself go.

Try this exercise several times or until you are comfortable with it.  Experiment with different outfits and music.  Then, try stripping in front of a full-length mirror.  If you are shy at first, try positioning the mirror so you can’t see your own face.  Watch yourself masturbate.  Notice the way you look; listen to the sounds you make as you become more and more excited.  Discover what positions and poses look erotic to you. 

When you are comfortable ask your Mentor to perform for Him.

Adapted from Abernathy

Lesson: What are your 2 top fantasies?

Exercise:

Dress in a way that makes you feel totally sexy.

Listen to your favorite music.

Take 3 slow, deep breaths and clear your mind.

Let your mind wander and think about the main fantasies that constantly occupy your thoughts.

Imagine living out these fantasies.

Enjoy yourself.

Give yourself no more than 40 minutes to complete this exercise.

Briefly write your 2 most intense fantasies. Do not over think; simply write.