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| I MUST be an eternal optimist because I keep coming back & trying again (or I am a masochist....Either way I am good!!)
I am seeking either a new master or Dom (I consider myself a "sub" but I lean pretty close to "slave" and have more experience in the M/s dynamic) I don't believe in jumping into ANYTHING and I tend to like to "look before I leap" so, while I want to ultimately find something serious, I am a firm believer in getting to know someone casually before moving towards anything else
By day...I am a "hell on high heels" career woman. I have a demanding career that I love and am very successful in my field. Probably because of the stress of my vanilla life and the level of responsibility I need the balance of submission.
I am a sub/slave type. After a lifetime of fighting it, I now am embracing what I am and reveling in the freedom it brings. I am a dichotomy! I am a "girly-girl" who likes to dress pretty, smell good, wear make-up, high heels, dresses..BUT I also love to swim, be outside, play soccer, garden... I love to watch football, reality TV and read romance novels but also love cultural activities like the ballet, museums, lectures. I have VERY specific requirements in a Master or Dom and I have no desire to compromise...
I am very submissive but I am smart enough to NOT follow a poor leader..I generally prefer career military men because their manner of leadership is the type I respond best to. I am interested In Caucasian men 40-55yrs old, 5'9 or taller, who live in the MD/DC/NOVA area. Employed, heterosexual, clean cut, no history of substance abuse or legal (criminal) issues. I do NOT DO cyber or online!! I am an "out of sight, out of mind" type..if you are not a daily presence in my life...I am going to end up pushing boundaries & running the show! |
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One of the biggest problems a submissive woman has in dating a vanilla guy. He never TELLS her to call, text..., She, of course, waits patiently to be told...and then after a few weeks forgets that he exists
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I am trying so hard to make things work with a vanilla guy I started dating a few weeks ago, He is a perfectly nice guy (and not "nice" like many vanilla men--weak and looking for a woman to tell him what to do). We are perfectly compatiable- divorced with kids, high level careers in finance, same religion, background, interests...so why do I have to be hung up on the lack of domination? I cannot even explain to him what it is that is missing. Worse is the whole, "it's not you" talk that will eventually have to take place. |
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I always like to believe and see the best in people -speeding down the shoulder while the rest of us stuck in traffic? Obviously you have an emergency or are a first responder trying to help. Cut in front of me in line at the grocery store? Obviously you did not see the line. To me, the worst result of this election is that I now have to acknowledge that there are a LOT of Americans who are ok with meaness, bullying, stereotyping. That and the fact that obviously they are not as smart as they think (um...Rust Belt people - there are actually MORE job openings( 5.8 million) than available people to fill them which is why H visas are popular) Does anyone want to explain how to pay for the wall, loss in tourism dollars...
Understand - I am a lifelong Republican (treasurer of my College Republican club, campaign worker for the 1st Bush...had a picture of Reagan hanging on my mirror as a teen). There have been candidates that I did not agree with (MittRomney) and ones that I REALLY disliked (Palin) but this is the first time that I believe the future of
America, the psyche of the American public is endangered by a politician |
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LOL... I just experienced the moment when I know I have passed into perverted thought process.
Acquaintance of acquaintance had posted on FB
"White dressage whip. Vinyl handle w/ silver. Super pretty. Kind of clean. Barely used. $5 + shipping"
My immediate thought was "awesome! Another kinky person hiding in plain sight"
Then I read down and see "came across some show stuff/tack I no longer need"
When did I become the person who does NOT automatically associate "whip", "halter", "riding crop" with HORSES!!
(For those who read this not knowing me, I am an over 45 mother of 2, financial career, PTA, church going "eat your vegetables" woman by day so this is not expected me) |
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Livimg with a teenager is enough to make you question whether the real definition of "masochist" should be "parent" |
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I think I discriminate but honestly, I have good reason.
As a sub, I rely on others to be decisive. To make the judgement calls, make the spur of the moment choices... I just honestly cannot trust those who "play both sides of the table" or who waffle or make mercurial decisions. For me, my Dom IS my rock. My solid.
I get asked why I am adamentally against switches and there in lies the answer (and this really pertains only to men/male switches.). I don't trust them..It is like "hey, he can't make up his mind what he wants or who he is so...should I really put MYSELF in his hands?" By nature, I am both submissive and a survivor. I don't always trust my own judgement/decisions but, when push comes to shove, if it is urgent/life threatening...I CAN and do. In my mind, if I want to "make it" and the only people around me to get direction from are those I consider "weak", "indecisive".. I go with "screw it. I know better than they do how to survive this and I am NOT going down because some idiot decided to flip a coin to make a decision".
This doesn't really apply to other women. One, I have no interest in women and so really don't "look" to them to guide or direct. Two, I tend to always see other women as "equals" so I am fine with "live and let live". I tend to view female switches the way I view skirts. A woman wants to wear a skirt to work, fine. She shows up in pants, who cares? Women have that option to decide. On the other hand, I would not trust a guy who said "just felt like wearing a skirt today".' I would file that away mentally as "something is wrong ".
Don't really care how male switches perceive me, so even posting this causes me no issues |
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Ok. I am going to admit something here that I know will be unpopular but...it is just my opinion... I don't necessarily believe in "male supremacy" (trust me! at work, I have never seen a man that I could not out achieve in my line of work..) but I find male submissiveness almost...childlike. A man acts deferential towards me and I automatically "friend zone " them at best. He becomes someone I want to help and give advice, take care of...but they become totally sexually unattractive. If I am honest, I think I categorize them into the "little child" slot. Kind of like how I treat my own sons. I feel a responsibility to HELP them,to make them into young men that women will eventually WANT, who can stand up and take command, do the right thing in the face of adversity... Like my own boys, I WANT them to leave the nest. There is no chance of me ever "seeing" them as a dominant man that I can trust to lead me.
For some reason, I have been getting a lot of mail from sub-men. No problem. I don't mind offering advise (non-sexual!!!) or telling the "secrets" of what we women like (hey! if I can stop some man from buying his wife/GF a birthday presents from the appliance section or the video game area, I have done a HUGE service).
I struggle as a single mom of 2 boys BECAUSE of my desire to for a male lead. My boys have little contact with their dad (his choice). Because I want them to turn into young MEN, I am trying to "be" their mom and dad. I have to be outside of my own safe zone so often. I am constantly on alert to the fact that I have found myself in the past looking to my oldest son (who is now a 6' teen and often looking like an adult male) to advise me, comfort me, tell me how to raise his brother.trying to NOT do what is normal for me... I worry I have taken away some of his childhood.
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I often wonder what doms "get" in a relationship. Not in a sexual or BDSM thing..everyone understands sexual gratification.
No...I mean in a normal relationship. See, I am a submissive personality. I like having someone to follow, look up to, direct me through life. Someone that does not mind saying "I want this for dinner" or " Wear that today".
The area I live in (near DC) is full of dominant WOMEN and SUBMISSIVE men (vanilla. Talking personality here). I know enough of these two to understand them (most dom woman just consider it easier and better for them to have a man that does not question them and who makes their lives easier by doing what they are told. The women have huge amounts of responsibility at work, with their kids...and having a "partner" that can act as their "personal assistant" is immensely helpful).
Dominant men, on the other hand, don't seem to be interested in this or need this type of "personal assistance"
I am extremely submissive (ok...I am really more slavelike which is PROBABLY the problem) and I KNOW it is a LOT of work for any dominant or master to constantly be in charge, carry the weight and responsibility. I often think, "heck, I hat to make my own decisions...why would anyone VOLUNTARILY agree to make decisions for someone else)
Anyway... I am curious...so let me know (I don't care if you are interested in ME...I just would love to get feedback on this |
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So...have gotten burned a couple of times and have started to learn my lesson (yeah, it takes a while!!)
I have narrowed down exactly what I am looking for. This is the first time I have ever acknowledged this in any way...to myself or others.
I believe in and want a male-dominated relationship that is monogamous and encompasses both of our vanilla and kinky lives. I think I may be more conservative and less "kinky" then many I meet here. As I said to someone..there is a lot of stuff I don't LIKE but...very little I won't DO for the right person. Yeah...I like rough sex and bondage but I will never be into the poly or the edge play... My natural persona is one that bends over backwards for those I care about, always putting myself second (or 3rd..) which is why I am unable to answer "why I am slave-like"... I don't beg or plead for attention...I tend to wait until someone pays attention to me. I don't speak up and ask for more because I honestly am usually happy with what I get (NOT that I accept that what I receive will satisfy me just that I believe, if I need more and it has not been offered, then I need to look elsewhere)
I am looking long term. Not right off the bat but enough to know that getting physically involved before dating for a few weeks/a month is NOT a good idea. Problem is that I seem to have "sub euphoria" before having "sub drop". I can have unsatisfying vanilla sex and not really care... It has little effect on me... Rough sex/being dominated, humiliated, used...gives me the rush of adrenaline and intoxicates me. I am on top of the world mmediately after...problem is that within 24hrs I want MORE and then...if not taken again...I crash. My self-esteem takes a hit, I HURT inside... In cases where I knew to not expect anything else...I can fight my way through... The problem is when someone who does not know me well or who THINKS he might be interested...is involved. He does not know that I am NOT a "boil your bunny" type. He does not know that this urging for more causes me to be control freak for that 24hr period...that time when I WANT my next fix but am scared to death I won't GET it... He does not know that...once I KNOW that he will be around the next day, the next week....that I know he does NOT consider me disposable, I settle down immediately. I am not desperate, I am not clingy (heck...for a slave I tend to be independent because I am SO worried about being a bother that I go to the opposite extreme trying to do everything for myself and proving I can stand alone and that I WaNT him in my life NOT need him) but I just don't want to be disposable. |
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Lesson!! Should probably edit my "like" "dislike" lists at least once a year. Someone mentioned my list and I forgot that I filled it out when I did not have any idea what HALF of the stuff was... Well, should significantly shorten the length of it. |
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Few months ago,I began dating a Dom (usually I start out choosing the Dom or master and then decide if there is enough vanilla in common). Very casual but I liked him... A week ago I got the dreaded "my ex called me and wants me back" TEXT... We had discussed this upfront and he had claimed there was no way he would ever go back (I had flat out asked "what happens if she decides tomorrow to leave her husband for you"). His response to my being upset was that he was not looking for anything serious.
I don't know if it is a male/female thing or a Dom/sub thing...but his definition of serious was that I should not be hurt. I am not devasted or lost over the BREAK-UP...we did not know each other that well and had not been together long enough for that type of connection to be established. Maybe it is a female thing, but I am hurt that I was "disposable".
The one thing I am really struggling with is that, as a sub, I know that in an M/s or D/s dynamic I am always dismissable but I have always been able to keep separate the "boyfriend" from the "Dom". Having established the dynamic before going into the "dating", there was always a different interaction..
I am still all over the place mentally. While I am wanting to "jump back in", I am wary of BOTH types of involvement. My level of trust in what I am told is not as firm and I feel more jaded. I am starting to think this may be the time to leave this lifestyle and return to that strictly "vanilla" world. Not because of what happened but because I now doubt my ability to "let go" and be "in the control" of another. I question my judgement and ability to assess character... |
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One of my biggest challenges in searching for a Dom is that I tend to have varied and opposite desires. I initially was drawn to D/s because of the Daddy Dom type of man...but I also like the stricter "master" type that expects me to toe the line.
Even in my vanilla world, I am drawn to men as bosses, managers...who have that disciplinarian but very protective outlook and who nurture and develop what is inside of others. Also...I think a side effect of modern relarionships is that everyone is expected to "stand on their own two feet", be independent...take care of themselves. As desperately as I have always wanted that protector, that man that treasures ME...I have never HAD it. Even my ex-husband (who was by NO means a Dom nor involved in the kink/Fet world) never gave me that sense of security or that feeling that I was important..
On the flip side..my first master was more of the strict, "toe the line type that expected obedience and I THRIVED in that setting--being held accountable but also set up to succeed. He was where I learned to fully appreciate a punishment dynamic. (..or maybe I learned that during the 12yrs of Catholic school...There is oddly a LOT in common between the BDSM world and the Catholic religion)
Now I am trying to decide WHAT I am looking for in a new Dom or master and I need to determine which path to take.... |
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Have taken a little sabbatical from looking for a Dom....think I may be ready to begin searching again. |
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Navigating the Vanilla World As A Sub....First, understand that I am not speaking of sexual or kinky ID here... I am speaking for those of us who are submissive in personality.. Those, like me, that are the moveable forces in nature...those that change direction, adapt or bend when we meet a stronger force. Second, this is NOT brought on by problems in relationship or trouble meeting "the one"...this is just what I see and have seen for so long in the world around me...
I don't think many realize that the "'vanilla" world is really the domain of the dominant types. The highest paying jobs, the schools, the expectations of peers...are all meant to favor those who are aggressive, unyielding and strong. Popular people are outgoing and gregarious. The most accomplished and strong men look for independent and strong women that will go toe to toe with them. Not being able to push back at someone that takes advantage of YOU is seen as YOUR failing despite the fact that the OTHER person was morally wrong. Get used, have blind faith in the wrong person, be taken advantage of because you are NOT suspicious...and everyone believes that YOU are culpable Everyone talks about there can only be one chief or they pay lip service to supporting the weak...until it is such that they no longer need them. Being a submissives person means that you are constantly in the middle. When two dominant forces have opposing goals and one needs to capitulate to the other...they will each try to convince the submissives that they are the one that will protect the weaker force...they are the only one that truly respects and appreciates the weaker... This is the standard line..until you no longer serve a purpose.... |
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I think I am either the most vanilla kinky person in the kinky world or the kinkiest person in the vanilla world...either way you look at it, makes it hard to find a counterpart ... |
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I had an ongoing long distance M/s arrangement for the past year. Not an ideal arrangement (apx 250 miles distance ) but we saw each other a couple times a month. We also had a good rapport where we were friends, we dated and, when we were together, we would just slip into M/s roles. Neither one of us had the ability or energy to be "full-scale" and it worked. Unfortunately, he took a job further away and now it is no longer plausible... Since his move and the decreased interaction, I see a major change in myself. I don't have that person to fall back on or to turn to...some would say this is a good thing because it forces me to stand on my own two feet... Problem is that I feel rudderless. Odd since, we have never had a FT setup for more than a few days at a time and we had both always been ok with "out of sight, out of mine" (our joke was that he owned me once I crossed the state line so I could date/see others as long as I did it in MD!)... I think I am mourning a loss but haven't truly lost anything. I am dealing with more on my own, I am internalizing more and definitely having that false sense of "I am better off alone" and "why bother?"
This is very muddled! My brain is working OT and needed a place to vent. I am just feeling more lost and unsure of what to do and where to go than I have felt since I settled into being a sub. I feel disconnected from the "kink" world but even more so from the vanilla one... Maybe I just need sleep |
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I am struggling with my dual identity. I am a successful career woman-educated, gainfully employed-and a single parent. By necessity, I rely on myself and stand on my own two feet. There are times when I become so confident in my abilities...I start to believe that I can live without indulging my "other" side...the submissive/slave that thrives on structure and needs the guiding hand of someone stronger than me... During these times, I usually date "vanilla". Inevitably, these relationships fail because...once I become comfortable with this man...I let down the defenses and remove the facade and get rejected for being weak. |
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World Cup soccer...it is going to KILL me!! |
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Of all my journal entries, the one that has gotten the most responses was my Craigslist date! I am still alive, no need to check the milk cartons! |
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Little nervous. I was flipping around Craigslist and spontaneously responded to a M4W from a Dom looking for a sub...
I agreed to a "meet & greet" on Friday...God, I hope I don't end up as some tabloid story! |
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Why do I like to be told what to do? Why after so many years of people telling me I can do or be whatever I want...I come back to wanting decisions made for me.
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I keep getting my hopes up... I had met a Dom on another site. He seemed like a good match for me....meet & things go well. We email and text for a MONTH!!! Why do men who don't have time bother to go through the effort ? It is getting to the point that it is not even worth the effort to respond...men do NOT seem to have time nowadays. |
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While I have come a great distance in accepting my submissive self, I still have a hard time with some of the traits that go along with it. I am not just a sexual submissive-I am, by personality a "sub", a 'beta"... I need direction and leadership. I accepted that and even enjoy it. The one thing I can't get past and still struggle with is being "pushed", "bullied" whatever.
I don't think that people push or manipulate me to be mean...I just suck at saying "no". I want to be approved of, I want to make others lives easier, I believe that I can "handle" more than others.
My ex is by no way a dominant or alpha but he pushes and pushes to get me to agree to things...things I KNOW are a bad idea (relating to our kids mostly)...He intimidates me. I end up agreeing and just hating myself... |
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Life has been tumultuous of late... I realized tonight that I need to focus on "mind, body, spirit". Mind-taking some classes to further my career goals. Body-trying to get my stress and anxiety under control through exercise. Spirit-hey..kind of liking this new pope and thinking time to give Catholicism another try :-)
Seriously..I have found seeking a Dom to be fruitless. It is as rough as seeking a vanilla partner but add to all of the "vanilla qualifications" (employed, local, single, never been in jail or sexually confused and my physical preferences-clean cut, Caucasian, boy next door) my need for the dominant personality...the ability to take control, be commanding but never crass, responsible..too much to find in any one person very easily and I just don't have the time right now.
I still will be active on the boards. Still interested in others thoughts, experiences and adventures!! |
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Finally updated my profile. Will keep my fingers crossed that maybe the changes will attract the Dom that I seek.... |
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i think I am changing what I seek. Long term relationships are great but take a lot of work. Hookups are not something I am comfortable with. To truly submit, you can't worry whether or not he looks like someone you saw on America's Most Wanted or whether the guy intends to chop you up & put you in his freezer (I watch A LOT of Law & Order and CSI) Recently, I have come to see I need more of a trusted friend that I can submit to...a FWB who I know likes me as a person even if he is not interested in me as a romantic partner...and that I trust is not just using me once and throwing me away. |
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I am thinking that being a Domme could be useful (ok..forget the whole I can't tell anyone what to do!!). I had surgery and keep thinking..if I was a Dom I could probably find a sub who would go up and down the stairs, pick up things, lift heavy stuff....would really make the whole recovery thing faster. Ok..highly simplified thought BUT I keep ending up back in bed for overdoing it and the meds start making me a little loopy!! |
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Today, I changed my status back to "submissive". I had wondered, back in the beginning, if one could really be a "slave" without a "master". Yes, part of it is the mentality that you have. I had always been seen as a "slave" by doms I was involved with because...well.??I usually go into the mindset of putting his needs and wants above my own as soon as we have been involved long enough to be in any type of dynamic. Usually, a Dom that I become involved with either does not work out (does not push me hard enough or slacks off early on so that I end up running things) or I feel the security of being completely controlled and recognize that I will NOT deny any task he gives me very quickly and immediately move into a Master/slave thing.
Problem is...life and a lack of dominant men are turning me back into what I was before. I am once again like one of those rudderless boats that are put on a circular track at an amusement park. The boat has no way of steering itself but nor does it have a captain to direct it. The boat just goes in circles...bobbing along...doing its job but never getting the stimulation of being tested and let loose into the open sea. I am not one of those "everyone is fake" believers...Sadly, I see this as a larger problem of society.
I just need to toughen up and take charge... |
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In the hospital feeling a little sorry for myself. Looks like I am going to be minus a gall bladder.. Just an FYI...those damn pain charts DON'T work for someone who likes impact play & does not consider herself to be "in pain" if she can walk.. |
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I continue to struggle...submission comes so easily when presented with an appropriate dominant force...problem is, that when that is not available, I go into "survival" mode where I do and manage everything on my own... While this makes me unsettled and unhappy...the longer it goes on, the harder it is to slip back into "submission"
i need to get to some of the local stuff where I can at least admit and be recognized as a "sub". A vanilla friend of mine is curious to go to The Crucible but I am not sure that I could let go if I am there with a vanilla.... |
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I am struggling. The past year has been an exploration & acceptance of my submissiveness but recently, I feel I have hit a wall & am starting to revert to my old ways. When involved with a Dom, it is easy to express and exercise my submissiveness but, without one...trying to stand alone ...I seem to be losing myself again. I am trying everything I can think of...meditating, reading, going to educational events but I can't seem to find that calm within myself..
Anyone recommend good books? I have read Screw the Roses, SM 101... HELP! |
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I never gave a lot of thought to "sub drop" (okI thought it was some crock of you know what) before but recently, after a session, I had a bad reaction... I have had the same thing happen before but never made the connection...
My first master did not "do" aftercare. He is not a demonstrative guy in general (like...no hugging, kissing, hand holding EVER!!!) & even our "vanilla" dates did not have any touchy feely stuff. I thought my crying and being needy the following day..was just from me being inexperienced. We ended up breaking up over me being clingy (I requested 10 minutes of being hugged/held after any lengthy play especially heavy mental play) and some other stuff. I really thought something was wrong with me..
My second or third relationship, I had a really NICE master..He watched my emotions, halted or slowed down if he saw something on my face... At the end of every session, he would hug me, hold me and tell me what a good job I did... Approval is pure narcotic to me...telling me I am a "good girl" or did an "awesome job" is like shooting heroin into the vein of a junkie. With him..I never had the tears and over wrought emotional state. I still never made the connection...
As I have gotten more familiar with things and experimented more, I have had more encounters but only one time have I had the "drop" and that is when it hit me... All along what I have experienced is sub drop...the feeling of being on top of the world, of gently flying...the exhilaration...only to quickly fall and slam into a hard concrete ground. The tears..the emotion all were withdrawal from the wonderful, glory of endorphins hitting neuro receptors in my brain. The shock to my system...My brain saying "oooooohhhhhh" and then suddenly going "what happened?"
Much like an addict, I so welcome that feeling that only submission can give me and I always crave more... I crave the next hit and when it does not come...my brain panics and wonders why... |
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There are many similarities in men and women between the vanilla and kinky worlds. As the saying goes "people are people wherever you go..." We fall into a false truth that men or women who are dominant have high values and understand the vulnerability of the submissive mind. We believe that submissives have accepted their need for guidance and leadership... Problem is...the same issues come up. Most women have a need or a desire for some type of relationship when they are intimate. You feel you are not only letting this person see you naked, but that you are laying out your fears, failings, inadequacies.... Men, whether Dom or sub, are looking for variety, a conquest...always trying to trade-up..
I have discovered that, for me, the concept of casual "play" is not possible which is odd because I CAN have a no-strings sexual relationship if I follow a number of my own rules.
I initially thought that I could "play" with a Dom I was not involved with or who I was just starting to date or hope for more.. I thought that just because there was NO "intercourse"
I would have even less expectations from the male.
I recently got my feelings hurt and a little "ding" to my self-esteem because a man I was emailing with and who seemed to genuinely like me...seemed so eager to meet & get to know me...I allowed to "dominate" or "top" me. Considering some of the stuff I have done, this did not seem like a big deal to me...
Needless to say, I allowed him to get further on a first meeting and had more of my brain into it (like I said...we seemed to hit it off...same goals, interests, same kinks ;) )
I just wish,,,one time.. I could find a Dom who understands the meaning...who knows not to engage or participate in sexual activities with a women that they may or may not like enough to see again..who they know they are not attracted to or have enough in common with.. |
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I went to a BESS presentation called "Without A Trace-Playing Without Leaving Marks". The presenter was fantastic. She explained the anatomy and how bruising is formed, the various grades of hematoma, how to treat...and also a variety of "painful but invisible" alternatives (OMG!! I never knew that cinnamon oil, vapor rub, nylon webbing all had so many nefarious uses!!)
Now, as I have written, I am new to pain/impact play. A year ago my response to anyone even asking was not just "no" but "hell no! Do I LOOK crazy?"; however, over the past 6 months I have been experimenting. I am still trying to raise my pain tolerance so I don't wimp out too quickly. Listening to this lecture, the same thought kept popping into my head... "What is the point if there are no marks?" I am not a pain slut..but what I like are the bruises and the marks..each one is like a gold star or a badge that proves I did a good job. I love seeing the marks & touching them a few days later just to re-live that moment of admiration for a job well done... I am not a pain slut but I am a praise junkie.. I live for those moments when I see the admiration, pleasure, respect in someone's eyes...
There was a Simpson's episode where Lisa is going through "school withdrawal ". She is desperate for recognition so she starts jumping up & down in front of Marge saying
"Grade me...look at me...evaluate and rank me! Oh, I'm good, good, good, and oh so smart! Grade me!" Marge scribbles an A on a piece of paper & Lisa calms down & leaves
That is exactly me...I don't need the pain...I am addicted to the accolades..to showing just HOW good I am and how good of a job I can do". The bruises are my gold stars that prove I was the best |
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I am, once again single...Not heartbroken but a little dented :). I guess the one good thing was that it ended before either of us resented the other... |
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I am having second thoughts on the "slave" designation... All of the same thoughts and feelings still apply for me but I am seeing that...to many the desire to be a slave means that you are ok with just being used.. Now, this is tricky! I have no problem being used...kind of like it actually but there is the other side of me which has always acknowledged & sought satisfaction of my own needs & desires... I have no issue with serving, taking orders...the issue comes when there is no sexual satisfaction. The concept of being used for someone's enjoyment and not being given any enjoyment of your own. I have needs. Also, while I like the concept of being used,,,the idea that I can NEVER get my needs met-whether for vanilla affection or actual sexual gratification- unless it is a byproduct of someone else's pleasure just seems...Unfulfilling. I am sure there are many slaves who do not care whether they ever receive pleasure or affection but I seem to struggle getting to that head space...
This is a real problem for me because I am too "slave-like" for someone only interested in a sub...men not LOOKING for that kind of devotion consider it "too intense" & think that a woman is too attached to them (don't seem to get that it is not them per se...) BUT, I am not "slavish" enough (willing to forgo all my own sexual & emotional needs. I am willing to scale it down but..zero is NO fun) for someone looking for a slave. |
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S&M as stress reliever??? As I have said, I am very new to I pact play. When I first became interested in the whole D/s thing it was strictly for the control...all of my hard limits were S&M stuff.. I am PRETTY sure that I wrote "nothing against those that like it but I just don't see the fun in being beaten"...Now, I like it..I crave it when stressed or overwhelmed. Granted, I am still new and don't have a high threshold so I am probably of no use or fun to the hardcore.. LOL..but I wonder if there is something to do with the endorphins or something that makes me crave it when I am stressed.
I work in a high pressure enviornment. I am "dominant" only at work (I describe myself as "hell on heels"). I love my career, been in the field a while but the more I embrace my submissive self..I seem to no longer manage the day to day stress as well. Granted, my home life is more stressful than ever before so maybe it is a combo of the two... I used to have some outlets (I was a smoker, a 2hr a day workout junkie, competitive kickboxer) so it is probably just the cravings....it just seems now that I have discovered a place to get both needs met..I prefer that. Hey, a submissive adrenaline junkie? Not too many stress busting activities that you can do tied up or restrained!
Just the inner workings of my overwrought brain... |
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I continue to struggle with my desire for stricter control. I have been seeing a Dom who is not as "hands on" as my prior Dom and I can't seem to adjust. I wonder if it is me..desiring some sort of idealistic, only-in-storybooks type of ownership. I asked the question of other subs on the message boards "can you be too submissive?" & many seem to believe that, yes, most doms expect their subs to be autonomous and that it takes too much energy. Don't get me wrong...I am not looking for someone to be financially responsible for me.(.I am educated, smart & well-employed!) but, apparently it is harder to find someone who is willing to be mentally responsible for another...
I am trying to be grateful for what I have... |
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When I began searching for a Dom, I worried about how intense some of the doms seemed to be. The emails I received read almost like employment classifieds! I now seem to have swung the other direction and now I find that most of the doms seem to be too liberals or relaxed.. Don't misunderstand me..I am not talking about the crazies who write crass, violent or overly familiar emails..
I met my first Dom here and he was very strict; maybe that is why I prefer that type of Dom/master. He never had a reason to be crass or extreme but he had a way of giving orders, setting expectations where I didn't FEAR the consequences but I was unsure enough of his response to NOT push it!. He was very into the possessiveness, the ownership and the control more than any other aspect and that seems to be the one thing I cannot find in other doms. He moved for work so..maybe, had it continued & clashed with my "vanilla" world, my desire for this type of intensity would have worn off... |
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I have discovered impact play. I am not a masochist-I do not ENJOY pain...but I really enjoy the pleasure it brings to my master/Dom.. I think that is one of those key differences between "sub" and "slave".. I found that, as in my vanilla world, I bend over backwards to make my partner happy.. There is no wish, no desire, no need (ok..other than the real ones like being in labor!!) that I won't try to automatically accommodate. Until I entered this world...I never even noticed it. The pain of the flogger, the belt cannot compare to that pleasure that comes from the hug, the kiss on the head...the words "good job..you are a good girl" |
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I finally got around to re-writing my profile and I made the decision to change my "orientation" to "slave". That was not an easy thing to admit. Even after I acknowledged that I had "slave tendencies", I never thought that I would desire the level of control, obedience and commitment that comes from being owned..but I admit it, I like it, I find comfort in it...I thrive within the dynamic. Granted, I still have my super-practical mind so I know I am safe and will still make well-thought out and rational decisions! |
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Apparently I am a BOSG--a Bendy Obedient Slave Girl... I have to say I am quite taken aback over how proud I am of this.. Oddly enough, everything I thought that was "not me" or were things I thought I never would or could do are the very things that I am finding the most comfort & pleasure in. They are also what seems to come very naturally to me. For the first time, I feel I can identify what I want and what I need. I don't know if 24/7 is it but I am realizing I LIKE and WANT to be owned...to belong to one man who I can trust & respect enough to be my one clear master. Famous quote "No man can obey two masters"...I am now realizing just how true that is. |
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Limits. Something we all become familiar with as children but never really consider. As a sub, I LIKE,the security of someone setting them for me. I find it comforting & safe to know exactly how close I can get to the edge of the cliff, how free I can feel leaning over it, and still get the thrill of adrenaline that rushes my brain when that natural "flight" instinct hits... It is a strange paradox that someone like me who is extremely risk adverse loves the rush that risk gives. Without that Dom to draw the line and tell me how far I can go without getting hurt..I would never get close enough to the edge to feel the exhilaration. For me, the return is not great enough to risk my own safety so I stay well inside the boundaries I am familar with...and then never experience anything. Everyone has hard limits...but I have noticed something...I don't WANT to place my own limits. I started thinking about it and realized...we set limits to protect ourselves but, in this type of relationship, shouldn't I trust the dominant to protect me even from myself? Much like that child who gets too close to the edge of the clff must "trust" that the person who stops her knows best... It is not the "limit" that stops that child from going over the edge but the TRUST she has in the person who says "stop". With a child, the trust comes from the bond of years of being completely dependent on this person & not being let down...As adults, we often don't have that type or amount of data to blindly trust someone new so we state limits to prevent someone from asking us to do something too risky or taking advantage of us for their own amusement... I have now realized that.. if I have high enough standards of the people I "submit to" (which is really the ultimate kind of trust) than I do NOT need limits. If I will only submit to someone that I know will not ask me to go against my values, someone I know will not use me or step on me to just get himself pleasure or to achieve a goal that benefits only him, someone who values my mental and physical safety...I don't need to state the obvious. So...my new "phrase" is " I have high standards so I don't need hard limits" |
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Now, I am probably going to get some REALLY irate emails after this but...
why do women's clothes seem to always look better on the TV or CD men than on women? I am TOTALLY jealous of how some of them pull off outfits that even some Hollywood stars would look bad in! |
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I am attempting to re-write my profile. When I originally wrote it, I had so little practical experience and really did not KNOW what I liked or didn't. I realize that much of what I now desire, miss and wish to regain are things that my ex master introduced me to In that relationship, I learned how far I was willing to go to please someone, how much pleasure being owned and controlled brought I also realized that...while I may not be as service oriented or dedicated to the dynamic as others...I find a great deal of comfort and peace in the role of slave.. Also, while not a sadist, he was rougher and more physical than I thought I would like. While I never see myself getting into chains or whips...I miss the hair pulling, the slapping, and many other things I never was attracted to... The flip side is I still LOVE the Daddy dom and little play.. I enjoy so much of the being taught, molded...having that experienced male in my life who I desperately want to please and make proud. The man who allows me to be playful, sweet and innocent....
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I think I may need to re-write my profile so much changes every time I meet someone or learn more.. I was owned and discovered that the slave thing gives me a lot of what I crave..but I still don't know if I possess the strength to deal with the pain of withdrawal.. I realized I am addicted to dominant men...no I don't fall for any and every man who thinks he is a Dom or who tells me what to do (ok, anyone who KNOWS me would find that laughable on so many levels)... Like the seafaring men in ancient legends who were drawn to their death by the singing of sea nymphs...I am drawn to "lifestyle" dominant men (those that are dominant in personality...nothing to do with whether they are into BDSM or not)... I love to work for them, be on their team, learn from them (my kickboxing teachers were all dominant masters & it made me a better fighter whenever one of them watched me spar)... The hard thing for me is that it is REALLY easy to become attached too quickly, to become too needy too fast... Like the vanilla counterparts..I think Dom men run if they sense your dependence too early...they want to own a slave but the responsibility is so great that many turn and run...I can understand that, I can respect their choice BUT I also know that it is hard to move forward when you are never sure if feelings are reciprocated or if you are wasting time...My former Dom has led me to tears so many times...not while we were together but, after he "disappeared"...now he does not seem to understand that continually popping in and out of my life at his convenience leaves me to grieve and hurt every time he "disappears" again... I wish I had the strength to say "leave me alone" and "stay away" but when I so say it...he knows how to get around it and I just keep reliving the pain.... |
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My personal life has been rough lately and I do not know if that is what has tempted me into wanting to try impact play.. I had never felt any desire to be flogged, paddled..I have always been more into the spanking, humiliation, restraints...but for some reason..I seem to be craving some of these more painful activities...I am going to attend the Crucible Dungeon 101 class either in May or June & see if the physical. pain inflicted can anesthetize me against the mental pain... |
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A Dom I have a great deal of respect for posted an answer on the message boards that was, to me, an "OMG!!!That is it " moment for me. It put into words something that I have never been able to describe about what I fundamentally want and need from a Dom. Hopefully, he does not mind me borrowing it!
"Most subs get out of line from time to time. It's a natural thing-maybe they get too comfortable in their place, maybe a smidgen too secure, perhaps they're testing boundaries, checking up in control.? IMHO, at those points, it's on the Dominant to provide structure and accountability. (They can get) a wee bit uppity episodically, crossing the line between sassy and smartass. Then I slap her down gently, remind her of her place and position in my/our life. This can be a look across a room, a raised eyebrow, that certain tone of voice, a question (WTF do you think you're doing?), an incredulous glance, or actual actions/reciprocity/consequences?"
"The slave/sub brings willingness and service. The dominant one provides the framework, sets the rules, constructs the cathedral they'll live within.?"
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I have begun to revel in my submissiveness. What I once considered to be character flaws to be overcome and hidden, I now embrace as something that gives me pleasure and peace. For someone like me who has been struggling and fighting for the better part of her life (my mom actually always said I came into this world fighting. I was born too early with an (at that time) fatal problem. The doctors told my parents I would die within 24hrs. My mom swore I just HAD to prove them wrong & miraculously lived!) this is very liberating. Being what you are not, even when done with the best of intentions (to make everyone happy), is an uphill battle. I always was on edge..having to constantly maintain the facade..living in fear that if I let it slip and start to crumble, I would never have the strength, willpower or ability to re-build it. Much like trying to wear a suit that ism ill-fitting & too small... While accepting what I am has been hard for me, I find that the peace it generates inside of me allows me to more easily don that suit, wear it when I must, and then put it away until needed again... |
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?I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don?t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don?t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.?
Anais Nin |
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Sometimes my faith in this site and in one day finding what I seek is by reading what other people write. Realizing that we may not be looking for each other but that there are many decent, good people who want to find the same thing as I do, who maintain their faith in both romance & kink co-existing. Sometimes it is hard to NOT just accept what is offered...to settle for something that is "good enough"... Seeing that you are not the only one makes it easier to believe that it can happen.
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So...do subs get Valentines? |
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Completely unrelated to this site's purpose but.... GO RAVENS!!!!! Watch out New Orleans here we come!!! I must now preserve all clothing items so they are ready & available for the Super Bowl! |
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Just keep getting disappointed (or could be something more basic like sexual frustration :D ). I am thinking be easier just to "convert" a boring vanilla guy but have never succeeded at that either... Tried with one previous partner...but must have done SOMETHING wrong because he never got the hints (you know subtle things like "ever fantasized about... "). One thing I have always found hard to do with vanilla men is that they all want "women who take the lead" or "women who aren't afraid to take what they want"...and that isn't me. I got in trouble before with trying to "be" what someone else expected me to be. Everyone says to try MUNCHes but I have never heard of any positive responses to ones around here. |
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Feeling a little discouraged...I think I have talked to/considered/been considered...by every available male Dom in a 25 mile radius & have not clicked with anyone since my first Master who I met on CM.... It is discouraging. Granted, I am picky and I will continue to BE picky. I am also not the "play" type. I need a connection... Well, I am not the give up type. As I say, if I was an appliance I would be a toaster because, no matter how many times I get pushed down...I always pop back up!! |
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OK, my newest intriguing email...a slave couple (both gay men) looking for a submissive woman. Who gives the orders? Who decides who is getting the oral sex! Who ties who up? Do we call each other "slave"? If I am a sub and the only woman, does that automatically put me on the top of the hierarchy of power? Alas, they live in the UK so I will never find out. |
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Well, a first for me today...my first crazy person. A few days ago I got an unsolicited email in my bulk mail (see below). Very nice but too far away
"What an interesting, intelligent, sexy woman. The most important of those three? The intelligent part. You make an amazing first impression.
Enjoying your time on Collarme? Day two for me, and I'm already looking for the "delete account" button!
However, if there is a woman like you here, I think I'll delay that a little. I'd very much like a chance to hear more about you. Me? I gave a little about me in my profile. Hobbies? Art is an all-time favorite. I actually paint a little myself, too. Not certain if the results are "art" or not, but I enjoy it.
Tell me about yourself. You haved my attention,
Phil.
PS: If I've figured out how this feature works at Collarme, I've attached a quick photo or two. After you teasing me with you photos, only fair that I return the favor."
As I stated before, I like to be polite so I sent an email back to him
"Well there are plenty like me...you just have to find us! Honestly, a lot of the initial people who contact you are...pretty bad. Usually, they are your scammers or the desperate ones.. Used wisely, this is a good site. I have met a lot of nice, decent people. I met my previous Dom here. Remember it is cyberspace and be wary..if it sounds too good it probably is (yeah, if she is 23, looks like a model, is bisexual, is a no-holds barred slave & wants older men only...probably a scam). Now...why could you not live in the DC/MD region? I might just have been willing to cross into VA :) but NY is too far...not to mention the chance that you are a Yankees fan! Seriously, ex military, in my age range...cute, not married? Not many of YOU around either! Keep in touch. I am on the message boards quite a bit and would love to hear back from you on how things are going."
I am thinking, new friend. Someone to have light, conversation with...I open my email today & got this:
"You sound absolutely insane in that email. Worse, you sound totally self-absorbed.
For the New Year, find a shrink. A little diet and exercise wouldn't hurt, either..."
Anyone else hearing the Twilight song?
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Being polite....I struggle with the being polite thing but on the opposite end of everyone else. I never want to be rude so I answer all my emails... Problem is...extricating myself. Men complain that often they are just sending out a note..that they are not interested in all the women they email sometimes they just want to be friendly. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt (& I prefer to be hit over the head than to be "soft sold"). If you don't flat out tell me you are interested (& I have gotten a photo as I mention in my profile) I assume we are making small talk but where does the politeness end. In real life, if we were at a party and someone approached and said "how are you today" and I answered "fine. Thank you" and walked away...nothing would be considered rude. Just a passing of two strangers. In email, how long do I (guess this is a question for Ms. Manners) have to respond to one line questions to NOT be rude. I have had, from several people, ongoing one line conversations
Them: You are very pretty.
me: Thank you.
them: Having a nice day.
Me: not too bad. Thank you
Them: how was Christmas
HOW LONG do I have to continue? I, like many people, love to speak with others and am always looking for platonic friends. I do not wish to ignore or shoot down those like me. Problem is, more than a few times...these lengthy bane conversations lead to the men thinking you are interested and then having the painful, "I am sorry but you are over my age limit, not heterosexual, never sent a photo so I don't know if I would even be attracted to you... So, dear readers, what is the email version of "excuse me but I see someone I must talk to" |
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People always ask what you are looking for. That is NOT a scary question until you realize you want....to be like your parents!!! I spent 40 years doing everything I could to prove I was not LIKE them only to realize that is what I want.... Anyway, today I had to put into words exactly what it was that I wanted to find or expected in a D/s relationship - total power exchange?bedroom submission? And came to the realization that it looked eerily familiar....
Realistically, no one can be controlled or control someone 24/7. We all have to work. We all have decisions we must make instantaneously. I have 2 kids so I also must put their protection above my needs. I do; however, seek and thrive in an environment where I am more "second in command". The best example I can give is my parents. My dad is a hardcore Dom personality-nothing to do with sexuality but social interaction. My mom was a hardcore sub-again how she was personally. My dad made the decisions, set the rules, the punishments... Because of how much he valued my mom and her submission, he would never make a decision that would hurt her or make a selfish decision unless it was a life or death..thing. He trusted my mom to carry out his will and decisions when he wasn't there especially relating to us kids BUT he also would NEVER let one of us or anyone else upset, hurt, defy...her.... Doing anything to my mom was considered by my dad to be a direct offense to HIM and he came down on us for disrespecting her the same way he would if we did it to him... My mom went out of her way to do things for him, to wait on him....and I never understood why.
Strangely, growing up I saw it as my mom being a doormat and not standing up to my dad...always said I never wanted to be like that or would ever let a man treat me that way. I never understood why she didn't leave him... When she got really sick with cancer and after she dies, I got it...she was happy. Happier than she could have ever been with a man who would expect her to be independent and manage on her own or who would expect her to "push back" if he went too far or was ignoring her needs or desires. She really would have been a doormat and bullied then because she could never be that type.
I guess I seek that type of control because, after many years of being aggressive, assertive, take care of myself, self-sufficient...trying to be like my dad., I accepted that I am and always have been like my mom. I am better as the support staff.
Don't know if that answers your question or I just bored you with my life story :)
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I am back in my normal good humor today (I have never been able to sustain a bad mood or be down for more than a day or two.... If I was an appliance, I would be a toaster.....I periodically get pushed down & sometimes it lasts longer than others, but I ALWAYS pop back up!). If nothing else, CM has been good for my self-esteem. I never thought I was more than average in looks-not going to make small children scream in fear but not pretty enough to be noticed. I was ok with it- I have one heck of a personality and, as my mom always said, "I was beautiful on the inside and someday someone would appreciate that". Yes, I know many of the compliments I get may be nothing more than horny men passing out compliments to every women on the site or guys who know how flattery effects women who don't usually receive it and they are all hoping to get laid...but I will take what I get! I am humbled by those who honestly mean it because there are so many beautiful women on this site (& one day I am going to address why the CD/TG men are prettier than me & how unfair that is!). I don't know if these men are sending compliments to every pretty woman because it increases their odds...but, considering the number of gorgeous women here, they must send out a lot of mail :)
Anyway, it is nice to open an email from someone telling me I am pretty on a day where I feel old and unattractive. And I keep these emails to re-read and give myself a boost on those days!! So, thank you to all those who have sent me a compliment and know that the message is greatly appreciated.
(OK---because there are some people who get a kick out of being mean or perverse...if you think I am as ugly as sin & never remembered to send me an email...Please Don't. I just got my good mood back!) |
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OK, I usually stay away from the complaining thing...but maybe the stress of Christmas is screwing me up! I am really frustrated with the men who come on strong... they claim they are looking for a subs (& I refuse to entertain any offers for long-distance, online, webcam, I-travel-your-way-all-the-time relationships), they invest weeks talking and meeting and claim you are perfect, exactly what they want/are looking for then as soon as you are ready to move to "close the deal", they disappear or they keep putting you off... Anyway, I am now referring to them as the "Hit and Run" doms---although, I guess they are not as smart as I originally gave them credit for, because their male equivalents in the vanilla world are smart enough to get the sex or the blowjob before they start avoiding phone calls, not returning emails.... Ugggghhhh, maybe I should go back to trying to find a vanilla man who is willing to experiment. I know many people (and sadly it seems to be the good ones) who leave this site because of similar problems. Why can't the "hit and run" doms find the "wannabe" subs and the fake masters find the "no limit just send me money first" slaves and leave the rest of us alone? So...as mean as this is going to sound...PLEASE, PLEASE skip over my profile if you just want to yank my chain, get the kick out of attracting a woman, prove to yourself that you are still attractive... If you really have no interest in meeting or being with me, just ignore me from the start. |
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Sometimes I feel like a kid in a candy store. I am very new to this stuff except for reading. I have a To Do List a mile long for when I find a Dom! The problem seems to be "specialization". Some doms are into the Daddy/tween thing. This is the one thing I have tried & I enjoyed but I am not suited to living only this (and for those who don't know, many DDs want you to remain in "character" which is too much for me). I really want to try bondage and swings. Yes, despite my name, this is still an unrealized fantasy.
My one exploration into D/s was a M/s relationship, something I never thought I would like, but having had a taste..I would like to experiment with again. Our M/s was more psychological and THAT is what I am interested in doing again. I still have no interest in being a full slave. Just take my word on this and not tell me why, why not, how you can give it to me...PLEASE...No, I do not want what most masters HERE define as an M/s. I just don't know how else to describe it right now!. I actually have become more intrigued with discipline but am still no masochist.
I know that I, as a sub, am not allowed to direct what is done. I accept that and actually LIKE that. The problem is, when contacted and asked what I like or what I am interested in...I almost always turn prospective Doms off with my list. Strange as this analogy will sound, it is like every Dom entered "Dom University" because he had interests, personality traits, or a desire that made him want something different. Once there, they all seem to have chosen a "major". Some found they loved to be caring leaders, teachers and loved being a father figure to their subs so they became Daddy Doms. Some loved the bondage and rope art and knew only a sub who wanted to be restrained would satisfy them. Others found an outlet for sadistic desires to use whips, razors, canes...and found their perfect mates in "masochistic" subs. Both the dominants and the submissives found their niche and found others to compliment them. I seem to be the only person who, while knowing she is a sub, is the "undecided" major. |
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I am posting this for a specific person. Couldn't get the link thing to work. Both are from "babygirlsanddaddydoms,com ". This is reeeeeaaaaalllllllyyyyyy long.
And .....
"In every girl's life, there is a force, a presence, a Daddy, a Dominant she lives and breathes to love and honor. A Top is for tonight, a Dom is for however long they're needed, a Master as long as they seek Mastery, but a Daddy is forever"
Also
"The Daddy-Dominants Creed ~
* Above all else a Daddy cherishes his girl , and takes great delight in watching her grow
* A Daddy/little can be demanding and Daddy most times takes full advantage of the power given to them, but knows how to share the pleasure that comes from that precious gift of having a " little "
* A Daddy is in control of themself first and foremost, so that They may control and take control of thier " little ".
* As a stern and demanding yet caring compassionate nurturer , they may cause their babygirl / submissive to cry real tears , but will ALWAYS be there to wipe them away .
* As the consummate lover, They will then kiss the tears away, without stepping out of character.
* In times of trouble, a Daddy will never leave the role behind, and is always there to be a supportive friend and partner, never forgetting that this is still a loving relationship between two caring individuals.
* A Daddy is quick to understand the differences between fantasy and reality.
* A Daddy would never ask His little to put Him before their career, or family, just to satisfy their own pleasure , yet will encourage independance in growth
* To win a " littles " mind, body, spirit, soul, and love, a Daddy knows they must first win their trust.
* A Daddy will show their submissive humour, kindness, and warmth . how to play , when to play , and its not always a sexual nature .
* A Daddy must always show His " little " that their guidance and tutoring is deserving of their attention, that this is a person they can learn from, and that they can trust their direction.
* A Daddy is romantic enough to be protective and chivalrous. When called upon, He will fight for Their " little's " honour.
* A Daddy proves to their " little " that His is someone they can lean on, and depend on.
* When it comes time to teach His girl their lessons of obedience, they are a strong and unyielding professor , but always nurturing , loving and patient .
* A Daddy will accept His " little " as she grows but wants the best for her so nothing less than perfection from His " little " will be allowed while she learns .
* Never does a Daddy use discipline without a good reason. When they do punish thier " little's ", it is always with a knowledgeable and careful hand.
* A Daddy is always open to communication and discussion; always ready to hear their submissive's wants and needs.
* A Daddy is patient; taking time to learn the limits of His " little " , and knowing that as their trust of them grows, so will they.
* A Daddy understands the fragile nature of mind and body and never violates the trust given to them.
* A Daddy is secure enough to laugh at Himself and the absurdities of life. Open minded enough to learn new things. Strong enough to grow.
* A Daddy's tools are mind, body, spirit, soul, and love. ( and a great set of hands " grins " )
* A true Daddy-Dom is not hesitant to kneel to His submissive/babygirl.little and kiss her hand in honor of her trust, service, and love for Him.
rewritten from a Dominants creed to fit this lifestyle , by me !
About Daddy Doms
The misconceptions surrounding this aspect of D/s. i realize most think that it involves a father/daughter relationship. That isn't quite true, Daddy/little girl is a much different level. i do not know if i can explain what i mean so i will simply talk about what a Daddy Dom is to me. First i should say that in my relationship my Dom is not my father, he is nothing like my father, and i have no need for him to replace my father. He is however my Daddy. We do not engage in age play specifically ( beyond the occasional school girl fantasy ) and our relationship is not based on any need to have sex with children. i am always all woman, and always a very independent woman. He does have the ability to make me feel like a little girl, however, a very cherished and sometimes needy little girl. It is a feeling that i revel in, it is the safest place i have ever been, and it allows me the freedom to be all that i am without fear of reprisals. So..what makes a Daddy Dom? First and foremost he loves his little girl. She is his prized possession. His eyes light up when she walks into the room and he takes great pride in her successes. After all, he helped to create her. She holds the most tender part of his heart and has the greatest power to hurt him. Seeing her hurt however is not something a Daddy Dom wants. He sees it as his job to protect her, both from the outside world and herself. He may love to cause her great pain in a scene, but he hates to be the one to hurt her emotionally. It hurts him to have to punish her , but he knows it is sometimes necessary. This takes great strength on his part. It takes strength to control her, and to shape her to his needs and desires. It takes strength to be her confidant, her shoulder, her anchor. It takes strength to let her out into the world when all he wants to do is hold her safe in his arms. And it takes strength to do what is necessary when she needs to be disciplined. A Daddy Dom knows the value of discipline, though at times his soft heart gets the best of him. He knows that in order for his little girl to be the best she can possibly be he must stand firm. He uses his experience in life and his knowledge of her to provide proper direction and punishment when the need arises. He knows this hurts her, and that tears at his heart, but he also knows it is for her own good. A Daddy Dom provides something else that is very important to his submissive..acceptance. She is safe in his arms because he knows her, everything about her, and he still loves her. When she goes to him she knows that this man knows all of her dirty little secrets and it doesn't matter. To him she is beautiful. Many of you may be asking what separates a Daddy Dom from any other Dom. In most cases very little. Hopefully they all provide love, strength, protection, discipline, and acceptance. I have heard Daddy Doms described as a kinder, gentler, Dom. I like that definition though I know it won't apply to all. I guess when it really comes down to it I can't explain it. There is something infinitely magical about a Daddy Dom. Perhaps it is something only a little girl can understand.
Daddy/little girl does not refer to the ages, real or pretend, of the participants. Nor does it imply closet desires. It refers to the environment that two people have created. A Daddy Dom is so named because of the qualities he possesses and the service he provides. So, what are these qualities? What is a Daddy Dom? A Daddy Dom wants to be the center of your universe. He wants to be able to provide for your every need and care. But more than that he wants to be able to shape and mold you to the image he thinks you should become. He sees in you someone who, in his mind, can achieve a much higher, much greater status. He believes more in you than you believe in yourself. What he wants in return is to be able to bask in his image of you, the image he has created. How does he achieve his goals? Through love, respect, and discipline. His love for his little girl goes without saying. He accepts every part of her and works to emphasize the good while improving the bad. He loves her as much for who she is as for who she will become with his guidance. It is this love that allows him to train her. He could not invest so much of himself in someone he did not love completely. This love would not be possible without respect. A Daddy Dom needs to feel great pride in his possession. He needs to know she can hold her own in the outside world and still submit to him. He holds the greatest respect for the gift she has given him and takes great pains to increase it's value. It is extremely important to him to know she can be with any man and she chooses to be with him. He knows that this makes discipline a priority in their lives, more important than in some other D/s relationships. In order for the little girl to really trust she must know he means what he says. He must constantly deepen her respect for him. If he does not enforce discipline, this respect becomes a tenuous thing. If his submissive finds that she can manipulate him out of punishing her, she begins to lose respect and the ability to empower becomes impeded. He needs to empower her as much as he wants to possess her and it becomes increasingly difficult to be possessed by someone you do not respect. The discipline is also important when it comes to her protection, both from those outside the relationship and those within. He is the one who makes the decisions about how she will relate to the world in general and his discipline ensures that she follows these rules. I think most Doms have a bit of the Daddy in them, taking on the role of male authority figure in their submissive's life and using their power to enrich that life. Daddy/little girl verbalizes that feeling, and adds a dimension of warmth, caring, and ritual that it's participants crave.
( the above paragraph was written and copied from a site i frequent , i couldn't have written it any better tho , and its ever so true and well said )
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Ok, today I am totally perplexed by dominant men who are seeking "dominant, submissive or switch" women. Searching for a submissive is a no-brainer. I can understand the switch....but WHY do Dom men want Dom women? I have little experience with Dom men...in the vanilla world I seem to attract submissive men like some women swear they attract married men... The reason I have never had success in the vanilla world is because two submissives together.....nobody ever wants to select the restaurant, the movie, when we are having sex...!! Nothing ever gets accomplished and no one ever wants to be in charge! I always assumed 2 doms would have an issue of each one wanting to be in charge and tell the other what to do. I mean, doesn't the saying "too many chiefs & not enough Indians" apply? don't they have power struggles,?
I just don't get it. |
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Another thought provoking chat on the message boards...once again helping me to remember what it is that I seek and what I offer. I am just posting my reply to her so that I can remember it...
I am pretty new to this world but being a lot older, I feel compelled to just say...be careful. As someone on here told me when I first posted (& it sticks with me daily & I wish I remembered who said it), "dominant doesn't mean decent". In my years, I have found, in both the vanilla and the kinky world, strength attracts strength. The best men are usually not interested in someone who expects them to fix them nor someone who seems to want ANYONE (& I am not talking sex, I mean they know that a woman who becomes quickly & easily emotionally attached is not interested in them & they value themselves enough to not get involved with such women).... This is my two cents & you may want to ignore me...but I see some of my 18 yr old self here. I have honestly (unlike many people here) met a LOT of decent doms on here-not as partners but as friends. I find the ones who are the best always comment on the fact that I am an independent & responsible sub. This means that I know my life is good without being owned, that I WANT to be owned but not by just anyone but someone who will value me. They see that I recognize I am responsible for my own happiness & well-being & that means I am going to keep him happy and safe. Dom/sub is two sides of the same coin, no good Dom will think or want to fix you & PLEASE beware of anyone who thinks otherwise. A good Dom will protect you, lead you, teach you but he will also have high expectations of you. He will demand submission (not immediately but as part of your partnership & it is a PARTNERSHIP), loyalty and most importantly, trust, but he is, in his own way GIVING you the same. He will be loyal to you & not tell you what you want to hear so you have sex with him, he will expect you to know your limits & stop him from going too far (he will push you but not BREAK you). He trusts you to protect him too. |
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I am actually hoping to get some feedback here. Someone on one the message boards brought up Daddy Doms and there was a huge difference in what everyone thought a Daddy Dom was. I started out being interested only in age play (what I defined it as which may not be what everyone else thinks it is). I like the role playing of the tween-teen who gets in trouble or wants to make daddy happy or who is trying out her budding sexuality on Daddy...I digress :). Daddy Dom" to me meant protector, teacher, loving disciplinarian (they spank you but then are willing to hug & kiss you while sitting on their lap)...I kind of moved on to D/s just because I met some Doms who did not identify as "daddy" types and also, when meeting men online, the men think "daddy" means "sugar daddy" or "financial support in exchange for sex". I got tired of fending off old men, convincing men I did NOT want anything material and explaining that no I do NOT think it would be ok for ANY man to want to or to do this with his own child (& don't even ask what I, as a mother, would do to anyone even tninking of trying anything with one of my kids!!). Also, as my marriage failed, I started to consider the idea of a LTR with a dominant man who would be in my "vanilla" world as well. This meant I wanted someone close to my age, interested in things I like...and who was NOT currently married.
The only Dom I was involved with opened my eyes to being mentally controlled & I discovered that I love and need that's I put the "daddy Dom" out of my head and looked for Doms who were interested in mental & sensual control. After this "conversation" though I wonder now, if I don't still want that dynamic.. I wonder if there are men in my age range (under 50) and not married who are into both the mental and the "daddy". I wonder if I should focus on finding the one man who can be my "everything" (my leader, my protector, my decision maker, my S.O.) wouldn't be better for me in the long run. Instead of getting experience, I should be searching through the hay stacks...looking for that one man (the "needle"); the man who is the sensual Dom I need but doesn't mind indulging my "Daddy" game/role sometimes.
I guess I am wondering if this person actually exists. Is this a realistic blend and not some crazy fantasy (like the women who want a true Dom but not one that will expect them to do anything they don't want or like)? What types of places or sites would I find him? Is this like the spotted unicorn that all the poly couples are hunting for and trying to capture? I am now, thanks to this conversation, once again re-thinking whether I am in the right place. I am open to any constructive input. I have tried "littles" munches and "Daddy/lg" sites but these men tend to either be entirely into the "daddy" role (they are not really Doms interested in subs) or they are entirely just into role playing (not D/s at all..just bedroom players)
P.S. before I get asked this a thousand times... My relationship with my own dad may or may not be why I like this. As I have said, my dad is what I consider a "natural Dom" type to be. A true alpha male. I can't say I worshiped him or hated him growing up. I wasn't a daddy's girl but never tried to be either. He was always there when I needed him but he wasn't like dads today who are involved in their kids everyday life (but where and when I grew up this was the norm) |
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So this is kind of a follow up on my last entry.
Every conversation, every article and book, most messages received...help me to further formulate a picture of what my ideal Dom will be like. As I have said, I have a specific physical type that turns me on (which is why you will remain in the "friend" category until I receive one so don't get indignant if you waste 6 weeks talking to me only to find out your not even in the running!) but I have not been able to really verbalize what type of PERSON he would be. Finally, I am seeing the shape emerge. |
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So last night I was reading a question a man had posted about "what type of submission" he wanted. He desired his girlfriend to do things to him and he wanted to know "how to get her to participate". Of course, most of the answers were about this not being "submission"of any sort but bottoming. One answer that really struck a chord with me was from a sub (she is married in a M/s relationship) who was pointing out that submission is not about who is getting or giving pleasure or getting their wishes met it is about whose WILL is being followed. She pointed out, that if her husband says shampoo the carpets today, she will make sure to have it done before he comes home. Even if she intended to do it tomorrow because she also wants the carpet cleaned, it is his will to have it done TODAY. By doing it today, she is submitting. If her husband comes in when she is washing dishes & notices she looks exhausted & tell her to go to bed, She goes to bed...not after she is finished, but right NOW because that is his will. Does not matter who is benefitting or if it is something both of you agree on, like, want to happen... The dominance comes from him making the decision and her carrying it out, no questions, no arguments or even agreement.
This is something I struggle with. Yes, I usually put my desires, needs, wants behind those of others but unless I can learn to accept doing WHATEVER he desires, needs or wants, I will not be successful as a submissive ("he" is just a pronoun here, I am not involved with anyone so this is more of a lesson for the future). Me offering to give him a blow job when he wishes to perform oral sex on me, is not me being a great sub...it is me being a LOUSY sub because I am trying to negotiate & change what he WANTS.. Here is where so many doms and subs get messed up, it is not who is being used or who is getting physical pleasure...it is the mental aspect--who decides and who follows without question. |
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Sometimes you just have to step on the other side to see....what in the HELL is over there? I frequent the message boards to learn--I mostly read not as active in "posting". I had never heard of, in my other readings, this whole "financial Domme" and "paying tribute". As a straight female sub, my "offers", "spam", "scam mail" usually are from men who are looking for FREE sex or porn, men with "aggression issues" & run of the mill crazies. (I am not talking about honest messages from people who are interested in me or who are trying to be nice.. I mean strictly the stuff that has led to the big banner warnings on everything).
The "financial Domme" thing fascinates me because I have a degree in Finance and have worked in banking and finance my entire career. Usually, people require licenses, certifications..to legally take your money & manage, invest, oversee. (If Bernie Madoff had just called himself a "financial Dom" ). Apparently, this must work as a "job" for some since they refer to themselves as "professionals"... I am just thinking, if these people are so desperate to give their money away...I could start a whole unregulated industry and, since I actually have been successful managing money, could beat out my competition by offering a minute return of 1%. Since many of these Dommes don't even offer sex or financial counseling, I could avoid the whole IRS,SEC, vice squad problems.
Paying tribute...a whole other thing that has fascinated me. Like bad lotteries and scalped tickets, it is only illegal to actually make a "verbal contract" for illegal items or sex in exchange for money. As long as you claim the money is for something else (like the honor of someone answering your email) and the sex is just something you MIGHT receive as a bonus or to cover costs of running your webcam, buying lingerie.... Amazon may be the second biggest beneficiary of this since most of these Dommes accept Amazon gift cards and purchases from their Amazon wish lists in lieu of cash. See Wal-Mart needs to get in here and start some way of undercutting Amazon,l,roll-back prices on things every Domme wants...
Sometimes, the thing I like most about being a female sub, is just not having to think! |
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I saw this on someone's profile:
A Dominant needs to be needed and a submissive needs to be wanted....
I think this sums up what went wrong with my first D/s relationship... I needed but, in the end, I didn't feel WANTED.. Submissiveness is a hard thing sometimes...you rely heavily on reacting to someone else's decisions, thoughts and desires. You cannot make a Dom want you...all you can do is try to show how much you need him to want you by showing how willing you are to please him.. The pain comes when what you give is deemed inadequate. Don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean that the sub/me is personally inadequate. Heck, if I tried to submit to a homosexual I am sure he would deem my gift inadequate, not for any personal problem he had with me but because I am innately unable to offer what he needs. Oftentimes, I think much of it results from bad communication or bad timing or bad matchup... Sometimes a sub gets hurt, not because she is personally lacking or undesirable but because, no matter how desperately she wishes to give a Dom what he wants, she cannot provide the submission or reaction he needs. I think, in my case, my Dom needed someone more experienced, more independent & self-assured. Being new, I didn't recognize upfront what was required by him. |
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Forget punishing me with spankings, corner time, or withholding affection...lock me in the house with 2 little boys and a dog and an incoming hurricane outside.... Can't throw them outside, can't run away, can't bribe with McDonalds... Will the insurance company cover the interior damage done by them? |
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Sometimes the more you learn, the more you realize how crazily wrong you were! As the saying goes "just enough knowledge to make you dangerous". As I work my way through self discovery and read back on my notes I laugh at what I, not too long ago, thought I was looking for and what I truly am. I still hold that my best chance at a successful relationship (of any type) is to honestly know what I need, expect and desire. Even though I was vigilant in not making "newbie" mistakes, I made quite a few! Here is a list
1. Thinking you know what you want when you don't even know what is available. Initially, I didn't consider men.below 35 but have found that the younger men are often more serious & more "natural". The ones I have met are usually sexual doms because they are dominant in all areas of their lives & this is just a natural progression. I also thought I was too independent and strong-willed (ok-too old) to be involved in more than a casual, D/s relationship... I now believe I would prefer to be in a long term relationship that is based on D/s principles. Additionally, my first Dom was the one to notice I have a lot of "slave-like" tendencies & to point out that I was very comfortable being controlled & directed.
2. The most dangerous people to you are not the predators and scammers but some people who claim to know everything including exactly what you need, refuse to believe anything can go wrong or that you are not a cookie-cutter replica of every other sub they ever met. We all are told not to meet strange men alone, not to give out personal info but no one warns about the men who swear they know what you need, the ones who swear to have never made a mistake or claim that "you are just like..."
3. Letting your submissive nature run the "choosing. Not asking questions, not standing up for yourself, being convinced that the Dom candidate knows better what you want or need because he says he does.
4. Just like in the vanilla world where you don't want to date every person who has a peinis because he is male, not every Dom, no matter how good, will have the same goals and beliefs as you do. My first Dom was perfect except that he was not physically affectionate which is something I can't live without.
5. Beware of "experienced subs" who just want to score points off of you. Just go to the Message Boards & ask a question...many get a thrill from picking you apart, getting laughs at your expense, passing judgement without ever asking questions. |
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Doing more reading and trying to answer questions that I have. Many questions and everyone has a different answer or view.. I always try to read books from both sides so I can get a full picture. I just can't figure some things out...much seems the same "games" that you play in vanilla relationships. |
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Feeling better now that I have vented. I have pretty good coping skills even if it takes 24-48 hours for them to kick in (hey, if I had been on the Titanic, I might have fallen apart when the we hit the iceberg, but guarantee that before that ship sank, I would have had a plan on getting out alive!). Sometimes the best part of being a girl is people accept when you have emotional moments & are very sweet to you. |
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I am feeling pulled in too many directions and things are just getting too much to handle.. I may have to just focus on getting through the day to day of my "real world" life. My soon-to-be ex was a lot nicer and easier to deal with before he went in the hospital for intensive depression ,treatment. He now doesn't spend 24 hours a day in bed asleep (only about 18) but now he is just angry, mean and erratic. He isn't violent he is just not easy to deal with & it takes a big toll on me psychologically.. It is very stressful to constantly worry what you will do wrong... Any way, I may just stop "looking" to fulfill my desires for now. I have faced that my marriage, despite never being acrimonious, battered my self-esteem and my confidence in myself as a woman. I may need to find those before looking for anything else.
I will continue to answer my mail. I appreciate the kind words and support. |
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The past two days or so I have been struggling with the balance of submissiveness and life responsibility. I often wonder how other subs do it--to me this is the one thing I think doms have over subs. Since my husband & I separated I am now looking for full-time work. I am not in a field where being submissive is a good thing. I am in finance-male-dominated, don't care who you step on to climb the ladder, the weak do not survive... After finally accepting that this is mentally draining for a reason and recognizing that I am not comfortable being that person, I am once again sitting in interviews giving my best impression of a woman who makes others bend to her will. Trying to prove that, given the opportunity, I will push everyone else out of my way & be on top without breaking a sweat. I don't have a choice. I have two boys to support & am not going to get much help from their father. My field pays well. While many will argue, my piece of mind is more important, the orthodontist, the tutors, the doctors...do not seem to agree. They seem to prefer their bills be paid with money. Before anyone suggests it, I can't take the time to build a career in a different industry. Between the time to train and to start at the bottom, & work up to making a living wage...they will be out of the house by then. Nor will I (not that I couldn't) require them to sacrifice everything they have had since birth (where they live, going to birthday parties & field trips. Yes, many live with less but the kids they go to school with & socialize with are not them) at the same time they are adjusting to a breakdown in their family, their dad not being around at all and a mother who will suddenly not be around after school or to be the room parent, lunch monitor... I guess that is where being a submissive does help--I will not ever ask or expect another person to be put out so that I can be "happy". I accept that I am the one that must adapt and accommodate. |
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Well, I guess first BDSM relationships are like first love--they burn hot but die quickly.. I don't know what happened-I guess he was just not as happy with me AFTER he caught me (what is it with men and the chase? ) so I guess I didn't suit him as well as he was convinced I would when he was pursuing me and making a case for why he was the best Dom for me. I don't hold grudges and these things happen...better to find out as early as possible that you don't suit.
So, I begin the quest again and am actually a little wiser because he helped me realize that there were things I could do and wanted that I had been adamantly against. I don't know if I am the "slave" type but I did realize that, because of how I was raised, my nature, being a middle child...I have been submissive. I come from a traditional, Old World Spanish family--my dad was in charge and everyone, including my mom deferred to him. He decided where to go on vacation, what schools we went to, what time we woke up...My mom was his "second" she enforced whatever rules he laid down.. I never understood how she could be happy living that way, but after all of this thinking and studying, I realize she WAS happy. She wasn't trapped in a bad marriage or living in fear or cowering from him...she was content. Unfortunately, she died in 2005 and will never know I now understand why she stayed or never stood up for herself...for all his faults my dad loved her to the point he protected her from everything, he never put her in the position of having to assert herself over others, he made the decisions that she couldn't. I am just like her, I CAN do all of that but I am not good at it and it is not comfortable for me. I see our similarities in finding it easier to follow and enforce the rules others make, the pleasure she got (& I do now) in helping others' dreams become reality. For her (& I hope for me down the road), she always saw the bigger picture and knew that she & my dad were a team....he might have been the louder bossier half but she was his equal. |
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GOOD PLACE TO START...ALL ABOUT ME
I actually get a lot of messages about my journal and I appreciate them so, even though it is not normal to give background in a journal, I am going to explain me a little bit here :)
I am over 40. I have always been in vanilla relationships and,when my marriage was falling apart, started looking for answers to lifelong problems. Won't bore those who read my profile but I backed into BDSM. I didn't decide I wanted to change my sexual or personal life but started seeing information about BDSM when researching having a submissive (or passive or follower whatever term you want to use) personality. I was on a quest for self discovery, understanding and self acceptance not for sexual thrills but, the more I read, the more I recognized a connection to my sexual fantasies and life. It just came together. I researched over a year before ever fully acknowledging or considering my desire for pursuing a D/s relationship. I joined this site to find a Dom. I am, by nature, cautious and restrained. I don't jump into water ever--I test the temperature, analyze the best point of entry, how to proceed without getting in over my head, how to avoid large waves, riptides or anything dangerous...that is me in everything I do. I am very scattered and hyper in real life but writing allows me to sort and organize my thoughts and then to present them in person. Without writing, I am often all over the map and make no sense, get distracted and never get to the point..so I often am unable to resolve matters satisfactorily in person because my audience gets frustrated. Much of what I write here is done with the idea that I am intending to take the next step & deal with it in reality so please understand that I don't necessarily hit every point or provide everything I am thinking or doing in reality...I am mentally sorting and you are peeking at the process.
I have had some bad impressions of message boards here and other places. Often people aren't as interested in helping as in telling you why you are stupid, don't belong, need to get a life...so I also write in case anyone out there struggles with the same things and, like me, wants to be heard or soothed by someone who understands and won't judge...to see that someone else is feeling the same things and dealing with the same challenges. I especially love to hear from people like me who, because we are not loud or pithy, get overlooked or dismissed. Please remember that I am not an author trying to entertain or get on the NY Best Sellers List. I am a sensitive woman trying to realize dreams while living in reality. If you believe I am crazy or pathetic or don't belong here, be considerate enough to just leave me here on my own.. Reality has its own way of destroying dreams in its own time...it doesn't help me to have it crashing in before it must.
I have only had one short-term D/s relationship (lasted 4-6 wks?) Otherwise, I have never had an online, a play or practice Dom. I have never dated a vanilla man with dominating desires or traits.
This journal tells where I am today and how I got here. It may not read like a book where the timeline is easy to follow and obvious showing steady growth forward. ..some days it is crazy illogical (but real) rambling fears of being hurt or used or finding out my knight in shining armor is a guy in costume and other days euphoric high of someone jumping into new love. I apologize if I confuse you but it is only one snapshot in my day, life and thoughts. I am tempering infatuation with reality. I am also moving past a painful marriage, trying to be a single parent, and not make someone else carry all of my baggage. Even though my first Dom was not "the One" I still appreciate him for what he taught me.
Again thank you for taking the time to look inside my head and heart. |
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I had no interest in a 24/7 power exchange; however, I have found that really there is nothing else. Even when you maintain a separate lfe, existence and "real world" the whole purpose is to mentally condition yourself to feel attached. In new vanilla relationships, you try not to "show" your cards, not get emotionally involved and to withhold pieces of yourself. In the vanilla world, submission is something you actively try to prevent...in this world it seems i am always trying to push to go faster..get more intimate, feel more intense.. How does a sub keep her heart from being broken? Everyone warns you away based on the physical part of the relationship. They tell you about the feelings caused by being handcuffed, about feeling a cane or whip or hand across your ass, about the intense reaction to play scenes but no one mentions that, in order to get all of that, you must allow yourself to suspend all logical self-preservation. You must allow yourself to be needy and clingy, you must permit yourself to wear your heart on your sleeve and, even harder, you must admit your inner weaknesses to this person. I now trust this person with my life but I have to worry about my heart.
As a submissive, in order to get what I want I must let go...as a dominant he must hold on to himself tightly. He will make me jump through hoops for his approval and I will. He requires me to become attached and dependent on him. I thought that this type of relationship would be more physically demanding but emotionally easier. The parameters would be set, the expectations known, I would give up control but only in bed. I am now facing whether I am built for this type of relationship not because of the physical dangers but because of the emotional ones |
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Slave. The only word that could possibly elicit a worse response in my social circle than submissive.
When I opened up to the idea of being submissive that alone was a hard enough concept to wrap my mind around. Since I backed into this lifestyle ( questioned my true identity, started exploring personality types, hit word "submissive" in much of my reading, when I started looking into what a submissive personality was I was opened into the BDSM lifestyle). My initial research was strictly on s submissive behavior and mentality--I never explored switch,Dom or slave personality traits. I came to terms with the term "sub". It wasn't easy because in my world of politically correct, sensitive men, take charge, kick-ass woman, husbands who happily complain about the short leashes they are on and wives who make no secret that they do NOT cook, clean,or worry about husbands with ring around the collar..I would be a subject to be analyzed. Questions would be asked as to what type of psychological trauma I had endured or if I had read the wrong books, gone to the wrong school, had been raised in the LDS Church and the biggest question of all "why don't you seek psychiatric help to correct this before you ruin another generation of women". Honestly, you can be forgiven drug or alcohol addiction, accepted and supported as a homosexual and be applauded for refusing to capitiulate to organized religion... As a sexual submissive, I live VERY deeply in the closet (the only one further in the closet would be any man admitting to being a Dom....a female Domme-everyone will gather round to hear her secrets but those of us in the "traditional" roles are seen as a threat to society). I eventually searched for a male Dom but immediately dismissed anyone looking for a "slave"!!! As a sub I may negotiate my own definition of pleasure and set my rules but, a slave!, aren't those the woman who are really nymphomaniacs with no self-worth or self-control who allow any man to do whatever he wishes to them and says "whatever MAKES you happy"?
I am now coming to terms with the term "slave". Sir says I am one (by his definition) because I commit to obedience. I hate to be the responsible party but I gladly take on the "second" position. I had a boss who I truly respected and I often would say "my job was to make HIM look good" (I am not in a support staff field like admin or secretary..I actually work in the financial industry & have often been responsible for millions of dollars). My point to him was I did not need anyone except him to know our dynamic..I did not need his bosses or my subordinate staff to know what was my decisions or my work. It was enough for me that people saw our department as well run and managed & gave HIM respect for doing his job.
When Sir first used that term, I held my tongue...but hated it. i thought he was trying to make me into what he wanted even though I was upfront that I was NOT a slave...I was a sub-I was there by choice not force! I am not good at masking my feelings. He knew I hated it, pushed it a couple more times and then, during a later conversation told me why I was a slave & not a sub...and why it was nothing to be ashamed of. He pointed out that it was my behavior and history that made him use the term. He was not trying to insult me. i thought about it and saw what he was talking about...I have always been obedient.. I was the child who never even attempted to disobey. I never have found a thrill in the risk of consequences. I like everything spelled out for me up front no matter what the relationship because I MUST know I won't accidentally step over a boundary. Being so black & white has always been fine with me..
I have started to research this term, the same way I started my sub acceptance. I found the following excerpt from "teramis.com/whatdoestheslaveget"
What does the slave get out of a D/s relationship where the Dominant has final say, always, and pervasive control of the slave?
* It is an opportunity to express one's fullest, deepest devotion to and love for One.
*It is a partnership that is intensely bonded, intensely intimate (even for slaves for whom the relationship is non-sexual, the emotional bond is extraordinarily intimate).
*It is getting to "do" for the Dominant, in all kinds of ways that are personally meaningful (as well as many that are not, but that make the Dom/me happy ;).
*It is finding one's niche in a heirarchy, joining an Army of Two, becoming Someone's indispensible right hand. It is accepting final decisions even if you don't agree with them, because your loyalty is to the greater thing you are building between you; its success does not hinge on singular instances of disagreement (or agreement) between you, but on the accord and harmony you build over time, and this is predicated on trust.
* It is about developing and exploring profound depths of trust and intimacy.
* It is about transcending ego.
* It is about finding the freedom, in slavery, for a fuller expression of self.
* It is finding one's place, at last, by a special Someone's side, and having the nurturance and protection and for many slaves, guidance, that makes one feel safe and loved and cared for in an unshakeably enduring way.
That's a start, but it is also, perhaps, the essence, and the end. |
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One of the things I love about being asked questions by "suitors" (sounds better than "prospects"!) is that each thoughtful question allows me to dig a little deeper into myself, investigate corners of my psyche, turn over some rocks and look under for the answers...
One common question is "do you seek mental or physical bondage/domination?" It is a question so often asked that I am getting a clearer and clearer picture of what I seek.
It may not be the "right" answer for a "true sub" but that is not what I am here for. I do not want to find out what I should say to make people think I am a "good sub", I want to find out if, what I really think and feel means, I am a sub. I seek both mental and physical because I don't think I could have one without the other. Being physically and sexually dominated has been what I fantasizes about before I even fully understood "sex". I loved physical, rough play when I was young...everybody just said I was a tomboy...once I hit puberty, it became more of an "oooohhhh I really like that...."feeling. Other things come into play here which I won't bore you with but one thing I have discovered is that without the "safety" of mental domination, I can't let myself actually get to physical. That is why I don't jump to meet some guy who says he will spank me, knows more knots than a Boy Scout and will make me call him "master" before giving me the privilege of blowing him! Where the mind leads the body will follow.... I have met men in the vanilla world who are "alphas" or "leaders"--men dominant by nature if not by physical choice... I may, upon meeting them, not be attracted physically but after working for them or being in the same group of friends, will become inordinately attracted to them. They are the men who say "make 600 copies of my unpublished book please" and I, without question or thought jump up to make the 600 copies and, even without being asked, will do it on premium paper, collated, bound.. I don't have a desire to "serve" but I have a NEED to please this man.
So the answer to the "mental or physical" submission question is both. I can't get to the point of fully enjoying and doing the sexual or physical things that give me the ultimate high unless I am led there by one specific type of man who mentally dominates in his everyday life and who feels like I do...he can't get to the ultimate high from just physically dominating a woman, it must be someone who looks to him to lead, trusts that she will follow without question because she honestly believes that he is looking out for BOTH of them, a woman who has enough confidence in him through the process that she can go along & not worry that "something doesn't look right"... Granted one thing that is sometimes missing & is integral is that he is also the type, to check on her and be concerned for her safety & security. He will sacrifice or "give" when he sees that she really NEEDS an answer or explanation.
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Sometimes you get asked to do something you don't see the point to or that seems to be someone trying to "force submission". A Dom I met, on another site & have emailed back &forth with had (He got my full Q&A , then my friend's more extensive Q&A, plus I had been through his "interview") asked me to do 3 assignments. We still have not met, he is local but works for DOD & travels. He was leaving for a 5 day trip, & he left "assignments" to test if I was willing to do "homework" (nobody freak. I had said I actually thought it was a good idea for me,as a new sub, to have some type of assignments that would help me develop and learn. It has to do with my personality...I won't bore you with the details.). Anyway, one of the assignments I was given was to write a pledge to "My Future Dom". I was initially very apprehensive- I am new to all of this, I have only heard of pledges during collaring. I asked around to get ideas. (For those who "follow" me, I have what I refer to as a "protector/mentor friend who happens to be a career Marine as well as a 13 yr professionally trained Dom...He gives whole new meaning to "protective"). The first person I asked was T (my friend)... "Never heard of such a thing & you don't send ANYTHING until I read it"... I pretty much got left to my own devices with the exception of a few "ideas" from others. I waited until the last minute but was able to express in words what I thought...I submitted it to the potential Dom & T at the same time (nobody rat me out please...I get enough email lectures from him!!!)
Well, I re-read it a few times after I sent it and was amazed at how well I laid out what I was willing to do, what I expected of him, my understanding of my "duties & responsibilies" as we'll as his. It really solidified my vision.
So, what I learned is that, sometimes you are asked to do something that you think is pointless or that the requestor is over stepping boundaries...both these could be true but in the end, I STILL BENEFITTED. I am keeping this assignment, even if I don't end up with the Dom who assigned it. It is something that reminds me of what I want...
UPDATED: the potential Dom said I did "a good job""& it helped him because he can tell we think the same way about the D/s relationship. Heck, even T sent me a "exactly what every decent potential Dom wants to hear from a sub!!" He only took a small amount of credit for how well I understand things (T and I are online friends so, no, he never "taught me", just asked questions, directed me, made me think and clarify...)
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One thing I recognize and own is my part in many failed relationships. I think being a "submissive in dominant clothing" led to many issues and many cases of heartache for 2 people. Since the time I became interested in boys, I always "loved" the ones who were self-assured, commanding & leadership oriented but seemed to attract those who were passive, whiny or needy. I "settled" long before I got married... Looking back, the players may have changed but the circumstances did not. I would meet someone who would appear to be a Type A or alpha (although not a jerk), we would date for a while but then I would start "testing the limits"...pushing to see if I would gain ground or get pushed back. Every time , with every relationship, the more I pushed the more they gave until it hit a point where they were almost RELIEVED to have no responsibility. It was like they were HAPPY that they didn't have to do anything. It was like a Monopoly game where I ended up owning every property on the board & they were sitting in Free Parking. The more I controlled, the more resentful I became and the happier they became. |
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"Control" - seems to be my word of the day! I seem to spend way too much time trying to get and hold onto something I hate so much. It seems to invade every aspect of my life. "Control yourself", "control the kids", "have things under control", "get your life under control"' "control the dog". I have been called "a .control freak" which is laughable. There is nothing I want more than to turn over all the responsibility that goes with being in control. I just feel like I have no choice BUT to take control because there is no one else and, yes, if the choice is survival or doing something I hate, guess which one I will take. Some people say that you must be lazy or have no self-respect if you don't want the responsibility and power that control gives you. You want to take the easy way out. That is honestly not why I hate "control" so much...I hate it for many reasons. First...I suck at making decisions. I waffle back and forth and want everyone to be happy so I second guess any decisions I make. Second- I always see both sides of the story and can never set a course without feeling bad for the other. 3) I like people to be happy but also I don't believe anyone has the fortitude to deal with things going wrong other than me. I no longer want to bear the responsibility that goes with being in control. I want to not worry about inadvertant consequences of my decisions like figuring out what to do if it rains when I take the kids to the park. I just want to sit in the passenger seat, I want to experience the joy of just being "along for the ride", I don't mind "helping out". If someone else decides where to go, what time to leave, what we are doing..I am more than happy to do whatever I can to make us get there or to make it easier on the driver by doing the things he doesn't have time for....so I don't think it is just laziness
So, why am I always fighting so hard to hold onto something I hate so much? |
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As I have said, my interest in BDSM originated in my quest to discover who I truly am. I jokingly say I "backed into BDSM". One thing you have to be careful of, though, is recognizing who you are and only changing things that bother you. It is almost like finding a box of wrapped objects-you take out each-one by one, unwrap it, clean and examine and decide whether to keep it or give it away. Some people decide to "make life changes" & go to an extreme of getting rid of habits or traits that they LIKE or serve them well. I have no desire to be one of them so, occasionally, I examine something in myself & decide I want to keep it as part of the "real" me.
One thing about me that I seem to always have to explain & defend is my being reserved or "repressed". I was raised in a traditional family, went to Catholic school for 12 yrs, & worked in a field that is conservative. People assume that being like this is an "issue" that needs to be fixed; that there is something wrong with me & I need to be shamed or pushed into "letting myself go". Problem is, I LIKE being reserved when it comes to my personal or sexual life. I am not discreet or private because I am ashamed. I am discreet & private because it is me..I could let go if I wanted to but it would not be a liberating experience for me. Would I stand naked in the middle of the street if someone held a gun to my head? Sure, if my survival was connected to me becoming an exhibitionist or "open" I could and would. I wouldn't like it but I would live with it. It is just not in my true nature. In a quest for being more tolerant of others, it seems everyone has become more intolerant of those of us who don't want to be forced into the other direction. I am a believer in "to each his own"-I am not into telling people how to live, date, what to talk about or write about, who to marry..but why can't I be afforded the same respect? If you want to email photos of yourself naked, if you want to have sex in your backyard (I am not getting into issues of public interest or safety..big difference in whether I want to go to a public park with my kids and see people having sex under the swingset and allowing consenting adults to have sex in their backyard. Also a big difference in you posting naked photos on your personal web page and you wanting to post them on the I95 billboards). So, I am going to go on refusing to be fixed or loosened up. Just because I want to change some things doesn't mean I have to change everything.
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How I got here? One of the first questions I get. Apparently I picked a bad (or good depending on your view) time to start my "Dom quest" because of the 50 Shades of Gray thing. I don't quite get that...I read all 3 books, I liked all three but I LOVE Harlequin Romance novels and, to me, the "50 Shades" books were Harlequins with better sex scenes.. People assume I read the books and decided to go find a Dom....
Anyway, due to my marital problems, work and kid discipline issues...I started, about a year ago, trying to figure out stuff relating to my personality. I had always considered myself an "aggressive" "take charge" "controlling Type A" person. The more areas of my life that I became 100% in control of or responsible for, the more unhappy I was. I realized that I get physically and mentally drained from "running things" never exhilarated like others. Long story short, I looked back & saw that I never was that "controlling" person, but I had been raised to "always fight back", "don't let anyone walk on you" nobody makes better decisions for you than you" mentality. I did what was expected of me not what I wanted. I came upon things about "alpha" and "submissive" personalities (ok some of it was when training my dog but it still applied!). I started running across BDSM info when researching personality traits...followed a lot of links and started piecing some stuff together about my sexual desires and fantasies that started to dovetail with my personality issues... More I read, more convinced I was. I am not one to jump into things, I am extremely cautious by nature so I just read & thought; I never intended to take it further. Problem was, once I started letting info in, the more the real me wanted out. Not to be graphic but, I realized that I have never, since before puberty, had a sexual fantasy that doesn't involve me being dominated by a man or doesn't have some element of me submitting sexually. That is what arouses me..pretty much to the exclusion of anything else. I have fantasies of being pushed up against a wall and fucked, being tied up, being "forced" (not scary force like a real rape or attack) on my knees and sucking... I have never had a fantasy or been turned on by me attacking a man or forcing him to pleasure me or even of "making love with" a man who is "sensitive and caring"...does nothing for me. I started thinking that maybe my never being sexually satisfied (don't get me wrong..I have had great sex, been completely in love and besotted by my partner but it is like being thirsty and drinking water...it satisfies the need but it is like "ok, I can wait until next time I am desperately thirsty", compared to Diet Coke (I LOVE Diet Coke, want it whether I am thirsty or not, never choose anything over it if given an option. ).
One thing that helped me go forward was a belief that I could define "submission" how I wanted to, that I am free to find the 1 in 100 Dom male who sees the D/s relationship the same as I do. |
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"Training". It is a word I use often when explaining what I want but it is also a word that can provoke extreme responses. Last night, I found a great article on the topic that hit the nail on the head for me. Here is an excert
"1. Introduction to B.D.S.M.
A novice who has yet to experience much play with discipline, toys, language, role-playing, humiliation and so on needs to be gradually introduced to a taste of each. This will let her gauge her appetite for more, and to deal with whatever concerns or issues she may need to address internally or with her Dominant before proceeding.
This process of taste, consider, resolve, proceed continues and repeats itself, both for particular activities and for D/s itself (I won't reproduce the oft-repeated Stages of B.D.S.M., it is on sites I have linked). Whether submissive or Dominant we all need to come to terms with what we like, why we like it, what it means about us, what it means about our partners and what it will mean for our relationships.
Training can help a submissive find her limits, hard and soft, and determine what level of submission and erotic power exchange she needs and enjoys. Is she a 'brat' who wants to misbehave and be soundly disciplined? Is she a 'good girl' who is eager to please and hates to be found misbehaving? (Personally, I like good girls over brats, but no one has one face exclusively)
An experienced submissive needs less of this "trying out", but it is still required to confirm mutual understanding when she communicates her needs. When she said "I like severe discipline, but not humiliation", what did she mean? "
(Taken from Leatherandroses.com, "Training" by Rob Hart 2000)
Some subs seem to deride the idea of training because every Dom is different and you will need to "learn and "unlearn" constantly. I thought I was wording what I wanted incorrectly or that I was trying to find something that didn't exist. I now have yet another piece to my puzzle of what I want and am looking for. |
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Not a good idea to open " Bulk Mail"... Some people are really vicious about my photo (apparently I am fat), my marital situation (we separated but he has been battling a mental health issue for 3 yrs and I wanted to make sure he was stable before leaving), my journal entries ( don't read it if you don't like my profile and allow me to express myself. I am not asking you to agree nor am I seeking a debate on topics I write about...it is just what I think and goes through my mind)....
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So, as I have said I started my "discovery" a year ago and am now just starting to journal it so sometimes I seem a little back and forth but it has to do with different stages of this discovery.
Last night, I mentioned I was interviewing doms and the response was "they should be interviewing you." My first inclination was to believe that I was once again overstepping my "sub" boundaries (which is something I will address in another entry as it is something that seems to come up often). I didn't respond to this statement but, like usual, I kept thinking about it. I have one friend in this "lifestyle". He is the only person who I have shared everything mentally with, he helped me early on with identifying some things and working out some stuff... He is, strangely enough, a very experienced Dom who I "met" online when he was looking for a new sub. We don't live close to each other and he ultimately chose someone else but we kept in contact and he is my "sounding board" "mentor" "protector"...whatever you want to call it (we have NEVER been intimate physically & even our chats are not "sexual"). When I ran this by him, his immediate come back was "you SHOULD be interviewing them! You are gifting them with your submission, they need to prove they deserve it". Tommy is very familiar with what I am looking for, my background and he is actually the role model for who I want as my first Dom (as he says, I am looking for another him...only who lives closer) so I usually listen when he tells me how to go about things. I realized, for me, he is correct. I am not the type to blindly follow anyone. It doesn't have to do with whether I am really submissive or not...it has to do with self worth... I can be interviewed by 100 great Doms but that doesn't mean I could/would/should become involved with any one of them. They know what THEY want and what will satisfy THEM, but only I know what I WANT. In fact, by not making my expectations known upfront I would be doing them a disservice (I have no interest in a "play" arrangement so the only men I am considering are also looking for a long term arrangement)) because I would likely have to move on when we hit that point where he wants something I don't or when I can't totally submit mentally because he is not who I am looking for... It is very similar to a vanilla relationship...if I meet a man and he says he hates kids, never wants to be tied down with them or if he says he uses drugs and doesn't see anything wrong with that... If I just agreed to start dating him, we wouldn't get anywhere-it would be a waste of time because my basic wants, desires and expectations are not going to change... Anyway, I am returning to my "interviewing" of worthy Doms until I find the one who is what I want. When he finally shows up I know that he will be thrilled I waited and blown away by how great of a sub I am (even if my definition of submission is different from everyone else's...as long as it is the same as his, we will be fine) |
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My "analysis" of my true personality began over a year ago. I have been really upfront about how I ended up "backing into" my interest in the D/s but I am starting to see that I have actually led my entire life this way except my sexual life. Someone asked who had had the most influence over my life and I was able to quickly say "my sister.she has had the longest impact on me". I had never thought of her as the first "dominant" in my life. I had never considered any female as a "dominating" figure in my life. Once I started really looking at it though, that was how it was. She told me what to wear, she decided what color to paint our room, what time the lights went out, whose bed was where. I always wanted her to be happy with me so I eagerly did whatever she wanted and went out of my way to make her happy & proud of me. She didn't force me to do anything, she never threatened to love me less or that I would no longer be her little sister..I just naturally trusted that whatever she thought and did was right and that I wanted to be just like her. I realized that much of the floundering I have been doing has been since she had her own kids and has "let go" of me. I see this pattern throughout my life of my best relationships whether they be personal or professional. |
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