Thirty2Fouettes

Dude!  How is everyone?  Say hi  I'll be here for a bit tonight.  Life has been so busy, school, work, ,life in general! whew.  Hi!!!!

a dream i had.....finally wrote it down and decided to share.....please comment......

i had a really weird dream the other night and it scared me, off subject but i just thought of it,  i was in a maze.  i don?t know if you've ever been to one of those Halloween mazes?   out here are like six flags or universal studios they do em' every year, i hate them cause i?m a wimp and i get scared.   but i was in one of those mazes in my dream like a human meat market.   dismembered stuff everywhere and chainsaws etc icky.   i was walking through it and someone grabbed me!  but i wasn?t scared.   i just fell into their arms as they pulled me aside and into a line with other men and women in pairs.  then i was naked!   just like that and he was walking me through the line to a turnstile and walk through.  this man, don?t know who it was god this is longer than i thought sorry lol anyway i ended up owned.

we get to the front of the line and someone says, "she isn?t marked properly!?  so the guy slaps me in the face and leaves a handprint on my cheek.  then everyone smiles and lets us through.  i ended up like a toy, or a prostitute idk, just getting used and tossed around in this really dark place no faces just shapes.  then i'm walked past some people and they kinda laugh at me and say i'm not marked again.

not meant to be hot but it was and it kinda scared me lol.  so anyhew he takes out a blade and runs it across my hip up and down once and leaves a deep cut like from my waist to my thigh.  it didn?t hurt but everyone was happy to see me marked again and blood ran down my thigh, i remember it being warm but no pain.

so now i?m kinda scared because the man looks kinda scary, i don?t remember is face but it was kinda scary and he throws me into another room and i mean throws, like picked me up and tossed me.  it was dark, i?m stuck i can?t remember ummmm oh i was tied i remember now!  but like instantly idk know how but i was restrained or if it was rope or what and i was just there in the quiet?dark???.struggling to get free??.then i just kinda relaxed and slipped out of the restraints like a ghost and as I tried to walk out I was stopped by someone and ordered to another room.

i said, ok but i won?t do this and this and that (limits i guess) but i wasn?t allowed them and i was taken to a room like a nightclub, dark but loud with colored lights.  idk what i did but i was scared and excited and tempted and kinda happy then they smiled and let me go.  They gave me a coat and i was out on the street with 25 dollars in my pocket to call a cab.  There were scary people on the street, like vagrants.  a woman with wild hair and a man in a ponytail and others who smelled like piss and were just dirty.  i was scared and they were looking at me.  So i called a cab wit my phone (idk how i got the number) told them i was on 72nd and grand, its so weird i remember the streets lol.  they said it would cost extra to pick me up in ?that? neighborhood.  a bus passed and i almost got on but waited for the cab because i was scared because the woman with the wild hair was screaming something at me.  the man with the ponytail was kind and stood next to me and said nothing but i felt like he was protecting me?.silently?..

i got into cab and they asked where i wanted to go and i didn?t know i just saw the man with the ponytail from the window as we drove away??..

then i woke up

wedding gown for sale!  see pics.....

"Before you commit, there is hesitation. If you dream you can do something, begin it now, then all the forces of heaven and earth conspire to bring you what you want."

i'm not responsible for that quote but it was worthy of sharing....and it got me thinking, its a common theme but i had to speak on it.

sometimes the most worthwhile things are the things you are most afraid to commit to.....taking that leap of faith is the first step into a greater world, sometimes all it takes is the right voice, the right hand, the worst loss, the right slap in the face to make you submit to the desires you want most but are also the most fearful of....

admitting you want something is liberating but actually doing something about it, committing to the desire if the true test of courage.....if its a new job, a new hair cut, telling someone you love them, changing a bad habit, taking on a new love, a new passion, a new lover or making an apology, admitting you were wrong, or just stepping out of your comfort zone is the only way to grow as a human being. 

i'm only beginning to realize how much life i let myself miss out on, because i relied on someone else to define my sense of happiness, sense of worth.  now i see there's so much more to me than meets the eye, even my own eyes see someone new in the mirror, the last year has been a metamorphosis for me, and only i know how much insight i have gained from the errors i made. 

others see me as changed for the worse, but i see a new woman, a real woman who refuses to be afraid anymore.  the mistakes i've made recently were worth a lifetime of learning and shed some much needed light on the person that was hiding under the shell i wore for so long.  and the friends i've made and reconnected with have made me a better human being.  as always, kiss kiss you know who you are.........

one is not such a lonely number....its the beginning of all things, my life is beginning, stay tuned to see what emerges from the coccoon.....  the elusive butterfly flutters away soon....i'm learning to say goodbye and actually fly on my own.....