My Life's circumstances required me to suspend my involvement with all Lifestyle activities and everything else except basic survival stuff for the first 8 months of this year. As a result of a lot of hard work and effort, I am now re-engaging with most everything.
“If you are going through hell, keep going.” Winston Churchill.
My purpose, then as now, is to find, well, a companion - or perhaps sidekick would be a better term. The jury is still out on this - possibly because other opinions need to be considered. And the jury IS out because, as noted elsewhere, I'm an alpha, but that does not make me either omnipotent or omniscient. So, I remain both patient and optimistic.
Over the past 8 months I have, at different times, browsed the postings of others on this site as well as other sites. One of the things I have noticed is what appears to be a discordance - - between what and how others describe their lifestyle activities and searches, and how I would describe my own quest, now that I have re-engaged.
In this particular case I have noticed that most, and maybe all, of the "usual" constructs or paradigms ( Paradigm: "a typical example or pattern of something; a model" Oxford English Dictionary) used by people seeking others, for their various purposes, in this lifestyle, doesn't really fit or work for me. I also realized that I needed to do a much better job of describing / defining what I feel would be right for me - I needed my own, new, personal "Quest Construct." Finally, I feel that there are others, perhaps many others, who are confronting the same conundrum.
I believe the key to my epiphany was my almost instinctual understanding that, consensual submission, at whatever level, or by whatever name one uses, fulfills and completes both, is a gift given by each participant and not one to be taken lightly by anyone. It is also not equal and the parts are simultaneously very different, the same, and mirror images. This is one reasons I really like to visualize this by using the "yin-yang" symbol.
My conclusion is, if I need a new "Quest Construct," then I also needed to describe what it should look like and how to create it. MY starting point was to find out what others have done, and are currently doing. Since I'm an avocational historian, this research was both an obvious starting point and very “do-able.” Not surprisingly, my investigations / research had me pointing, in no time at all, in multiple directions to multiple topics. This discovery became one of the motivations for my blog.
Over time, I looked into “Taken In Hand” constructs, “Domestic Disciple” (DD) constructs, and multiple other D/s, M/s, and S/m constructs; each of which have all kinds of variations. I have had the opportunity to significantly expand my understanding of much of the cultural context of this lifestyle.
One particularly interesting discovery was that there are many lifestyle beliefs that are held out as being true, but are, in fact, myths (not necessarily bad - but myths, nonetheless). My investigations have produced a number of very interesting results; two of the more interesting are:
1. An Observation and Historical Insights -
My research into the D/s world (worlds?) and histories was particularly revealing. It is useful to remember that involuntary (versus consensual) slavery was legal in some parts of the world until 1981 and only criminalized in 2004. That's just 32 years ago. Mauritania (Africa) was the last hold out to making slavery illegal and criminal 9 years ago. Involuntary, or if you prefer, non consensual, slavery still persists today as an outlawed activity - frequently being identified as human trafficking.
Throughout history, in those societies in which slavery was legal - meaning sanctioned by law, a slave was property. She (he) could be separated from her family and friends and could be beaten or used at her Masters whim. Because she was property, she may have hated the man that owned her but she had little recourse. In Roman times, a slave that did not want to be a slave was expected to commit suicide.
Despite the real brutality of nonconsensual slavery, a significant body of romantic art and fictionalized accounts of slave girls, concubines, harems, etc. sprang up in Western Europe from at least 16th. century. See Mozart's "The Abduction from the Seraglio" first performed in 1782. Important artists in the "Orientalism" style in the 19th. century significantly contributed to this mythology. This art tradition continues today.
While I learned many important take-aways, one in particular stands out. Here in the U.S. when nonconsensual slavery is discovered, the consequences for the slaver are harsh and swift. One needs to look no further than the recent conviction of Ariel Castro in Cleveland for enslaving 3 women where he was sentenced to life in prison without the chance of parole, plus 1,000 years. One consequence is, of course, that real nonconsensual slavery, human trafficking, call it what you will, is driven even deeper into a shadowy underground.
2. Implicit Consent in the guise of not being Judgmental
I believe this (our) lifestyle encourages an amazing array of cultural and behavioral activities and, more importantly, mythologies. Some of this acceptance is very appealing - especially to the Libertarian in me. Yet some of this acceptance I find appalling, as it seems to highlight a complete lack of moral comment, or moral / ethical assessment, as long as there is, at minimum, implicit mutual consent.
I believe that some behavior simply has no place in civilized society, and must be universally condemned and the perpetrators shunned, regardless of whether there was implicit or explicit mutual consent. Need a simple non-Lifestyle example? How about Treason?
So, my purpose is to comment on some of the more conspicuous examples I have noticed and thereby, perhaps, broaden the conversation to include some consideration of these ethical questions. I hope to do this by my simple commentary - and maybe by future conversation.
3. The slippery slope between the Consensual and Non-consensual.
First, I'm not talking about "safe words" or any thing like it. I am also thinking about this from a dominant's point of view. If you want more vanilla terms, perhaps the use of "victim" and "victimizer" are good alternatives and what is generally considered to be criminal behavior.
What I AM talking about is the use of legal disclaimer as the first line of defense against legal action - both civil an criminal - and the difference between "de-facto" and "de-jure" ( In legal matters, "de facto" designates action of what happens in practice, while "de-jure" designates what the law says...)
That this need for disclaimer is so significant and is such an issue between the "vanilla world" and the "BDSM world" that it is constantly on display; there must be some kind of disclaimer on every publication (video or otherwise) etc) so as to keep the vanilla constabulary at bay. This is not new news, and this need for mutual consent is an important reason why, for example, the "receiver" in "kink" videos are so frequently interviewed before and after their scene - to demonstrate / document the consensual nature of the scene; no matter what else is being discussed or portrayed. Even to the point of "wink-wink, nudge-nudge." (Apologies to Monte Python).
Consequently, even a graphic novels uses a disclaimer - again to insulate their extreme stories from legal attack - even if the mock the disclaimer as they use it. Here is a disclaimer form a BDSM cartoon / graphic novel (versus photo/video) story site. This is a word for word quote, capitalization is theirs:
“All characters are 18 years old or older. This website contains entirely fictional work based on cartoon characters for adult entertainment. It shows no real people or events. The characters are shown participating in CONSENSUAL role-play for their own personal satisfaction, simulating activities which involve sexual dominance and submission. No actual toons were harmed in the making of this site.” (Emphasis is that of the quoted author).
My concern: consensual is one thing, Non-consensual (translation: criminal) behavior, on the other hand, is another matter. Then there is the issue of coerced consent. This is the classic "abuser - enabler" dynamic. Despite, or maybe because, of this "disclaimer process" the ability to distinguish between a "scene" and "reality" may be lost by some participants - and, for me, this becomes a serious concern.
One reason for my serious concern, as a case in point, is the significant number of people that just go "missing." I personally know (knew) a woman who vanished, and is still missing today. Not good for her, or anyone else in similar circumstances - and not not good for the honest people in the lifestyle.
Another example. On a Tumbler blog page the author proudly depicts hunting women so that they may be eaten. The author calls it any number of other things – hunting, taking, eating long pork, and so on. I’m sure, if he were ever to be confronted about it, he would call it "only fantasy," since many of his posts are re-purposed and re-captioned pictures from other tumbler sites – However, - I'm not so sure- and -- I believe these little practices are still also known as murder and cannibalism.
Another of many documented true stories: Chong Kim, an 18-year-old Korean-American was abducted in Oklahoma City in 1994 and spent the next two years in captivity, prisoner of a highly sophisticated organization of sex traffickers until she managed to escape. Her story was made into the movie: "Eden: A Sex Trafficking Survivor’s Story." Criminal, pure and simple.
All of this leaves me with a dilemma. Do I remain silent, or do I speak up? particularly since speaking up is sure to draw "flames." While I wasn't planning on making a moral / ethical judgement, that's what I'm doing.
There are some things that, in my opinion, at least, that should not pass, have a real potential for seriously damaging the entire community and should not go uncommented upon, and, if necessary, opposed.
In the end, my bottom line: Ethical behavior is critical in a civilized society - especially a free society, especially ours. I believe ethical behavior needs to be vigorously pursued and encouraged.
4. Construct!
I have (finally!) gotten first version of the label and intent for my construct. Since this is mine,I also get to define it and build it. So, here goes:
A Little Background / Introduction
As I mentioned, I am very "alpha" in many ways, and at the same time, very "old school." I trust that there is a sense of this in my writings. To me, a D/s (or M/s, if you prefer) relationship is the Natural order of things and consequently does not veer off into kink. It is correct and proper. Interestingly enough, there is a significant body of peer reviewed anthropological research to support this statement. I'll get to posting some of this research on my blog soon.
Definitions, and their understanding / perception are important. What is D/s? What is M/s? How ore they different? The same? Agreement is difficult to achieve. Using the same terms for substantially different types of relationship perpetuates confusion, causes unnecessary arguments, and makes it harder to find like-minded people. My goal then, is to use a new construct with a very specific definition and structure, that is nevertheless built from familiar D/s and M/s concepts.
Label: Virtus et Honestas
Definition: Strength and Honor
'Virtus' is concrete and physical. What does it mean for us to have strength? Does it mean physical strength? Not specifically. It means you must have strength of the heart and soul and mind. Strength of your convictions & your beliefs. It means you work to grow, to get “stronger” at something. You never stop growing, you never stop “working out”. It means you might be able to heft large rocks, but you shouldn’t bash people in the head with said rocks for cheap entertainment… 'Virtus' also invariably includes courage, 'grit,' and mastery to the traits that constitute the most basic code of men.
While codes of honor have varied across time and cultures, honor is particularly universal to both men and women, its standards have historically been gendered; manly virtues and womanly virtues are invariably different.
'Honestas' is the honor that actually resides within the person as an intrinsic value and having a reputation worthy of respect and admiration. To be honorable is to respect yourself and others. To do what right for overtone. Honorable men (and women) are selfless, they stand up for the little guy. Honorable men treat everyone with respect. Not just those who we feel deserve it, or those who are easy to respect.
This traditional, manly honor is a very public and external thing. It requires a man to behave honorably and suffer social consequences for not living up to the code of honorable behavior. When primitive tribesmen, knights, and the Founding Fathers spoke of honor, this is the type of honor they meant.
True honor also has integrity. When you say you are going to do something, you do it. If you do something, you do it to the best of your ability. You are honest, caring, and accept responsibility for your actions.
What would the world look like if we all (men and women) started living our lives with strength and honor? I think the world would be a much better place to live.
“A Man Without Honor is Worse than Dead.”
? Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra
A man with charm is an entertaining thing, and a man with looks is, of course, a sight to behold, but a man with honor - ah, he is the one, dear reader, to which young ladies should flock.”
? Julia Quinn, The Viscount Who Loved Me
Constituent Parts:
I believe that Virtus et Honestas is a blending of its 12 constituent parts. Makes for an interesting Venn diagram - and a whole that is greater than the sum of its parts. These 12 parts are as follows. Elaboration will follow on my blog site.
1. Consent,
2. Commitment,
3. Responsibility,
4. Respect,
5. Dignity,
6. Authenticity,
7. Ownership,
8. Possession,
9. Hearth,
10. Service,
11. Discipline,
12. Rituals.
