TheQueen2012

1/23/2013 The Purging

For the last week or so I've been reading my writings and messages between us to recall the experience of loving you. After a lot of tears and time, thinking about how things happened, I realized that I should have been purging you from my life months ago. I'm not sure if this will be permanent or not, but for now I have no desire to know the man you are. Perhaps it's because you clearly aren't the man I thought you were.

All I ever wanted to do was love you, but you don't fully understand the meaning of real love as my heart does. You gave took away communication which made me sad and knowingly ignored me for three weeks. I had to force you to face yourself and think about us. Finally, when we did send facebook messages they were open-ended making me feel a hope for friendship then possibly more.

We chatted with each other like old friends during your business trip and I found some comfort from you a few times. It was foolish of me to think that you loved me. You left me with an open wound that you created by avoiding contact with me....someone you supposedly cared for.... to fester for months....that's not the way of a loving man.

I accepted that you couldn't or didn't love me, but I reached out in hopes that there was a friendship remaining within the smoky ashes of the remnants of your heart. When all I found was rejection and more heartache, I purged you from my life. All I hold onto now is the few beautiful memories of three wonderful weekends of time spent in your arms.

My Poly Heart 10/17/12 Why do I sit here and feel so heart-broken? Why does love cause such pain and loneliness? What more can I do to feel close to you? Do you really love me or were you just blown away by such a powerful connection? Is our timing off and will lack of being around each other often enough be our downfall? I give my heart as purely and openly as I know how to, but I don't feel your love as deeply as I thought it would be. I feel like I should pull away to keep from hurting anymore. Only I cannot turn my back on love.

Love is the purest form of human encounters that we can have in our lives. Love is boundless and knows no barriers whether it be race, sex, size or anything else. Love can be shared in so many ways, but it is also the most hurtful of emotions. Love takes time and constant growth between two people. Can we love more than one person at a time? Yes, I believe we can, but only once the foundations of the relationships are solid. Only with enough time, can love fully blossom into the bond that it needs to be.

In love's beginning stages, it is so important to concentrate solely on each other and build a good foundation for your relationship. This takes a tremendous amount of time and makes it impossible to form more than one relationship's foundations during this stage. That is why I sit here feeling as I do. Lonely, heart-broken, confused and wishing I could take away all the feelings I have for you. There is not enough time in your life to love as much as you want to. I wish time was as infinite as love and then it wouldn't hurt so badly.

Time isn't infinite though and that's something that I have to accept. I also have to accept that I cannot dictate how you spend your time. I can only continue to look for love in other people to fill the void that you have left in me. My poly heart is still breaking though knowing that love is there if only we had the time to help it grow.

Grounded Sept 19, 2012 I've spent so much time wondering if I would find love again and now that I have found you, I've realized a lot about myself. Normally I would be hormonal 7 days a week, several times a day. Having visits with my fwb, going to swinger/play parties on weekends, using my vibe every night or at least every other night. The last sex I had was Sunday morning and I haven't even been phased by my hormones like I usually am.
It finally hit me that instead of thinking with my labido, I have felt more emotions with my heart than I usually would. With the hormones subsiding, I am thinking the clearest I have in a very long time with my brain. Thank you for making me more grounded. Now we can get to work on building a good foundation together.

9/7/12 Fate Made Me Smile!

I find myself wondering how so many different people can be affected by fate to make one chance meeting of two hearts happen. For a couple of months now I have started looking for my ideal man and suddenly started getting all kinds of responses on online sites. In my mind I thought that if I started looking now then maybe by the time I accomplish all the goals I need to get my life back on track, I might find someone.

Little did I know what fate had in store for me. Fate used death, illnesses, housing issues and terrible weather to try to make sure there was nobody there to distract me. Did I know that I was meant to meet you? Not until afterwards when I had time to digest it all.

I had resigned myself to not playing with anyone that night and just to socialize with my best friend Cindy when she got there. I always love to get to see my friends from BBW groups when I attend L3 parties as well. Somehow though when I started talking to you, that just didn't seem as important as usual. Slowly we moved closer to each other so we could hear over the loud music and once we were touching, even the music disappeared. I couldn't tell you a single song that was played after you first kissed me that night if I tried to.

The time we spent together was full of love, compassion, tenderness, happiness, joyfulness, and so many more emotions that I find it hard to express them all. Was it just because you were new and I was attracted to you sexually? No, I don't think so because I have had a few one night stands and they didn't affect me like that.

I had no desire to know about the man, father, student, or any other aspects of anyone else's lives that I was just playing with. I felt at home in your arms, safe and protected by a man that I know I could grow to love. Given time, honesty, and building trust will be the easy parts. The hard part will be to combine two lives so we will take our time. I'm not going anywhere that you can't get to me if you want me. Hopefully things will continue to flow and feel as natural as they already have.

Evolving Happiness 7/9/12 Finding the right words to talk about things is sometimes harder than I think it should be for two intellectual, logical people who have had so many conversations over our continuously evolving friendship. The more I do as you encourage me to and step out of my comfort zone to have experiences with others and try new things with you, the more I grow as a person. As I grow, our friendship seems to evolve more and expands the possibilities of new experiences for both of us as friends who play together and as individuals. As I think this, I remember all that I have learned about the different aspects of the relationships and boundaries in the open minded lifestyle we are in. Sometimes I feel as if my abilities to deal with the emotions and love I have developed for you will damage our connection we have and make you want to pull away from me. 

The comment you said about not having to go to all the same parties expresses to me that you feel I need to be included in too many aspects of your life. For me, I really enjoy going to the parties together because I feel safer knowing you are there if I need someone to protect me, I like watching you play with others and I like playing with you with others. The freedom of not having restrictions makes it so much easier to enjoy each others company sexually and the closeness of spending the night together fulfills a need that makes me feel more whole as a woman. 

Clearly, you want to work more on individual experiences and I support you in that. I would encourage you, just as you have me, to go and have experiences that as friends we can talk about and I can be happy for you too. For me, my life is an open book and I want you to know you are free to be included in anything I do. I will happily share all my experiences with you as my friend and include you in as many as you wish to be involved in. I know that you are still growing in many ways and may not include me in some parts of your life which I will respect. Just remember that I am your friend above all else and care for you deeply so anything that you don‘t feel I should be included in, you can still talk to me about. You don’t have to worry about me being jealous or judgemental because I am too logical to be like that. I can also help you work through anything that you need to. Just knowing that you are living a full life will make me feel like I am a part of those aspects that you don’t include me in. 

My biggest fear is that I have no security in knowing that we will have more experiences together in the future. This is part of why I am continuously trying to plan playdates with BHMs and people I think you would like to play with so you are included in my life experiences. The other part of why I plan the playdates is because I know it will make you happy. At the same time, I wish you would take the lead as the person who is more experienced and plan some playdates with some of the people you play with in the lifestyle to include me. Not only does this give you the chance to reconnect with some friends you may want to play with, it gives me a chance to get to make more friends in the lifestyle. Keep in mind that including me on playdates can also mean that I just watch and don’t have to participate unless the people you are playing with want me to.

 The other fear that I have is that I won’t get to see you often enough to continue to build and work on our friendship and sexual education/improvements as we have been doing so happily privately. I want you to get to relax, eat some good food, laugh and share stories of our time apart, have fun, and cuddle and be comforting to each other. Also, for you to have some quiet time to do stuff you need to do like school work, job searching, and anything else. I hope you can come to think of coming to visit me or staying over at my house as an escape from the stress of living at home or in your everyday life at school and work.

Desires 6/13/12 Don't get me wrong, I enjoy everything you do to me and with me...
I just want to be able to slow down and let you take control of my body completely...all of me....kissing, rubbing, biting and sucking on my nipples and neck....and holding me naked in long passionate kisses where you trail down my neck...and your hands wander to grab my ass and make their way to my hot wet pussy....and at the same time you have my nipples in your mouth and fingers tormenting me....I want you to make me forget that anything exists except what we are doing...I want you to make me cum vaginally, squirt hard over and over again....and then I want you to lick my clit and suck on it while you have you fingers going over my gspot...then once I have a clitoral orgasm...I want you to take your hard cock and and put some lube on it and rub it up and down against my clit and in between the lips of my pussy until I come really hard....once I do I want you fuck me doggie just the way you know I like it....and only the way that you can....mmmmmmmmm I want you so badly right now.

Satisfaction of my Soul 5/27/2012 I'm stronger now as a woman than I've ever been because you have shown me how to love again. Instead of sitting in the corner watching and waiting, I come to you and sit on your lap demanding your attention and firey touch. Inside your arms I find strength to comfort me, sensuality to arouse me, and love to make my heart soar. Your patience with me has been amazing and your encouragement to help me accept that I am beautiful inside and out has done wonders for my confidence. I never thought I would lie naked so fully exposed on top of a man and feel so at ease. You submit yourself to me so that I can pin you down and claim you as my own. Yet you know when I need you to flip me over and take control as only you can. When my body needs you to pull me back to you by fistfuls of hair and comsume my lips as you thrust into my hot, wet pussy with your powerfully hard cock. Only when you have my breasts tormented with your firm grip and I feel you cum inside can I get the release that satisfies my soul.

The Yearning 5/9/12 My desires and need for a lover were dormant for such a long time. The connections between body, mind, and soul had been severed. I was satisfied to live my remaining years untouched and unfulfilled as a woman. Why did the doors begin to open and fate showed me an alternate ending? It can only be said that our connection was meant to be. You enticed my mind with your conversations of fantasies and past experiences. You make me laugh, smile and feel special as nobody else can. You gave me friendship, love, acceptance and encouraged me to love myself more as the BBW that I am. You re-awakened the woman I used to be and slowly you have helped me to become more confident. You have surpassed all my lovers in the past with your ability to bring sweet release to me. Each day I yearn for your touch, your ability to bring me to the edge of insanity with each kiss. Should I give into the flames that consume me as I lie down to sleep each night, wishing you were there to ease the torment that I'm feeling? No, I wait patiently for you, yearning and on fire. The denial of self-satisfaction makes the time I spend with you even more intense. The more I am with you, the stronger the yearning for you.

What Do I Really Want? 4/30/12 It's that time of year when love is in the air! Everyone you know is coupling off and so lovey that it makes the air almost suffocating to breath. At times the gestures of those in love make me have to hold back a gagging reflex that only happens when I am truly disgusted. Then after a while it gets to the strongest of us...and we start to analyze and question what do I want at this point in my life? Do I want to be in love? Can I handle all the emotions and trust in giving my all to another person? Do I want to take things to another level and have a long term or serious relationship? Could I be happy forever being just friends with benefits as long as you show me the attention I need and yearn for? Yes I could love you, but could I be in love with you? I don't know if I'm capable of letting someone inside the closed off spaces of my soul that have been locked away and guarded...hidden so well that even I don't know how to find my way there and back again. I could lose my very existence in the process of trying to understand it all. So I just step back and wonder what do I really want? If only it were simple, but it is! I really want to be happy with what I have in life...with who I share my life with. Titles and labels are only ways to make things more complicated. Feelings of acceptance and love of others that share in my life are what really matters. As long as I have that inner peace and happiness, I have exactly what I want.

Journey of Metamophisis April 17, 2012 Last year I began a journey to find acceptance of the woman I had became after years of feeling misunderstood and unappreciated. My lifelong friend helped me by coercing me to attend a BBW party. It was an attempt to re-enter the social world after an unhappy marriage of 10yrs and 5 yrs of loneliness. I left feeling unfulfilled, but sure that somehow this experience would have a positive effect on me. Online friendships began to form with those that I had met and I began to find the people I had needed in my life all along. By January of 2012, I was ready to spread my wings into the spectacular creature that had been hiding within the cocoon of fear and sadness. Slowly, friend by friend began to pull off the shedding torments of my past. In February, the embrace of my companion and lover freed me to fly as the extraordinary butterfly that I truly am. With each moment I spend among those that fulfill my happiness, a spark of life's energy glows brighter within me. I hope to continue on my path of discovery with compassion and love for those that bring me joy until I breathe no more.