TaraYuyMaxwell

Female Submissive, 29, orofino, Idaho

Male Dominant, 35, hayward, California

Female Submissive, 18, Isle Of Wight

I Am SO Completely Crushed... If you have been reading my journal, then you would know about my two closest friends who are now dead. One died in a car accident (Nichole) and the other killed himself after (Gary)... or so I thought. Turns out, I saw Nichole online today. It would seem someone is trying to split us all up. Someone told me that they were dead - and since I was unable to get a hold of them, I believed it. Someone told Gary I went around posing as his girlfriend and saying he was mine- which isn't something I would do. Someone also hacked my yahoo and asked him for indecent pictures. So now, he completely utterly and totally hates me. I told Nichole everything that had happened in their absence... about the forced rape caused by my mother. She, in turn, told him, about everything, that I didn't do any of that. He refused to believe her and continues to hate me. He wants, "no association with that lying whore again... one that was too stupid to fight off their rapist." As Nichole says, he's suddenly seems to be a totally different person. He is not the person she fell for. He has recently picked her up and thrown her across the room (well, another of his personalities) and went from, "I'll do anything for you!" to "You fuck up one more time and you're out of the fucking house!" He guilt trips her and freaks out if she doesn't tell him every single site she's been too. He's so finicky and I don't know what has gotten into him or why he's acting like this. It doesn't make sense. He's my best friend. I suspect drugs. Such a rapid and dramatic change... that and the fact that he's been hanging out with new friends suddenly. He went from gradually being stressed to happy for a few days until it took a day for the worst. Such a quick change?! I don't understand, I've done nothing wrong. They're supposed to move in together next month and get married on Halloween. What do I do?

An Update On My Recovery -EDITED- ? Hello again. Once more, thank ALL of you for your love and concern... It really means a lot to me! <3 As of an hour ago, I am now down to one vicoden an hour. XD Go me! I'm slowly weening myself off of that nasty, addictive painkiller. *cheers for self* The pain is not so bad anymore and I believe that most of the gas that they pumped inside of me is gone. Or, at least, it kind of feels that way the few times I accidentally forgot to take my medicine. LOL. Bad memory. <.<; And just because I thought some of you just MIGHT wanna see, below are to links. The first is that of my first incision and the second is of my bellybutton. By the way, the two other incisions look DANGEROUSLY close to the first so I didn't feel the need to take pictures of them all. Oh yeah, and, obviously, I bruise VERY easily. >.>;; Damn sensitive body. LOL. -----------------------------EDIT----------------------------- Fuck this. Fuck this world. Fuck it all. Fuck my grandmother. Jesus fucking Christ, I really hate my Grandma sometimes. I asked my Grandma if I could eat something BESIDES frozen dinners since I've been eating them for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the last three- almost four years and I'm fucking tired of it. Unsurprisingly, she said no. I got fed up and said, "Fine. I don't want to eat now, then." I walked calmly back to my room and a few minutes later she poked her head inside the door and said snottily, "Now you sound exactly like your mother. 'If I don't get what I want then I'm gonna kill myself or not do what you want... You're gonna turn out just like her one day." That one sentence managed to bring me to tears in mere seconds. What the fuck!? What kind of parent says that?! Arrgh, sometimes I really hate her... she KNOWS how fucking sensitive and terrified I am about that topic... *SIGHS*

Ow, fuck, surgery HURTS. LOL Yes, I am back... and sooner than I orginally thought too! Heh heh, your love brought me back. XD It was laproscopic and I have four incisisions. Owwie. They hurt like hell. They ended up having to blow my stomach up with gas to make it easier as well. And guess what! It turns out I actually had three kidneys. WTF?! When I was a baby, the doctor had been VERY worried about me because my right kidney had been full of liquid... but then one day, it just disappeared and they couldn't figure out what it was exactly that happened. Well, now we know. LOL. The third kidney (which my doctor LOVES to refer to as "Mini Kidney" Like Mini Me from Austin Powers) was about the size of a golf ball and looked like a balloon. They took that out while they were at it. Ow, fuck man. The gas in me hurt almost as much as the surgery itself. I ended up getting four doses of Morphine yesterday because it hurt so bad... and I'll be getting Vicoden for the next three weeks. Ouch. It is VERY painful. I have to breathe through THIS weird thing 10 times every hour. It ensures that I don't get Pneumonia. It hurts a lot. Breathing hurts, especially deep breaths. O.O;; Know what really hurts? The hiccups. I had them twice yesterday. They hurt so bad I almost cried. Aww, man. It was the worst pain I'd ever experienced in my life. My doctor say he wants me to sleep, walk a lot, and then sleep some more... A LONG cycle, you see? XD Regardless, all in all, the operation was successful and went pretty well. I'm so happy. XD YAY! THANK ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT!! <3

SURGERY- I'll be offline for awhile   Just thought it would be right to let ALL of you know that in three days, THIS Monday, I'll be having surgery. I wasn't expecting it to be this soon, I thought it would take place this December... but someone canceled their appointment on Monday and I get to take their place. I'm both eager, anxious, and scared out of my mind at the prospect of surgery! o.O; *cries a little* Icky!!! SURGERY!!! TT.TT According to the doctor, I'm going to need at least a week to recover and then IMMEDIATELY afterward, I start school/college. Oh joy. I'm not sure how often I'm gonna be online and I'm also uncertain of when I'll be able to start posting regularly until I figure out how the college classes go. From what I hear it's NOTHING like high school and packed full to the brim with homework. Lovely. >>; You WILL be able to get a hold of me this Saturday and Sunday. Although, I must warn you, I'll probably be rather cranky on Sunday. The WHOLE day the ONLY thing I'm allowed to consume is liquids... and I am a VERY hungry person. >.>; I may not get the best of foods all the time but dammit, at least I get SOME food! D< Another reason I'll be cranky is that EVERY half hour I'm going to be forced to drink this nasty, thick, white-ish looking liquid... and the LAST time I had the stuff it tasted like chalk and I gagged every time I drank it before eventually throwing it back up because it tasted so bad. TT.TT Damn my taste buds and brain power. LOL. So, if you want to get a hold of me before the surgery, I suggest you do it SOON. I'd be VERY happy though if you left me plenty of get well comments as well as asking how the surgery went so it will make me even more eager to come back! X3 If I talk on the phone with you, then, I'm certain you already know my number and if that is true... then you can USE IT to call me after my surgery to see how it went! XDDD I can't quite tell you when I'll start doing artwork again but I really hope it will be soon! I'm gonna miss all of you!! *huggles*

August 14 2007 Happy Birthday to me, happy birthday to me... Ugh, well, it's not really a "happy" birthday today, actually. *sighs* I'm suppose I'm 19 now, though. Well, let's see, I recently, just lost one of my best friends in a car accident... about 3-4 days ago... TT.TT I'm really gonna miss her... now, my best friend, decided to join her in death. He cut his throat and hung himself in his room not too long after he found out about his fiancee's demise. Oh joyful day. I don't really have any friends around where I live anymore so I don't know if I'm going to be having a birthday party or not. What's the point if no one's gonna come? Not to mention the fact that I'm not really allowed to have cake because it's "too many calories" as my Grandmother states. *sighs* Yippee. Nineteen. How lovely. I can't wait to get out of here...?

-June 1, 2007- I've recently been begging and begging and pleading but to no avail... until now! Guess what happened to me today? I got my ear lobes pierced again... I think they're so cute! I've also started to gauge the first ones... They're at a 16 right now. I don't really intend to get any bigger than a 10 at the very very most. X3 Piercing are so fun... and kind of addicting. I intend to get my tongue pierced sometime. I'm not sure when... but sometime, oh yes. <3 -June 10, 2007- Bad news... I was talking to a piercer online from the other side of the world... I was telling him about my piercing my own cartilage and how infected they'd been recently... turns out the piercing wasn't quite as sterile as I thought it would be. I'm so stupid!!! Geez... >.<;; In the end, the fistula is attempting to force it's way out of my ear and causing this huge bump. As soon as I showed him pictures of it... He told me to take the piercing out IMMEDIATELY. I am to let it heal properly and maybe try again when it's completely healed... damn thing... -June 15, 2007- My mother no longer cares about any of her kids- not even the ones that she gave birth to. I don't know what's wrong with her... she should be happy, delighted that she was able to have such wonderful and beautiful children... so why isn't she? I don't understand... it just doesn't make sense! What is wrong with her? She gave up all custody of them in court today. She told the judge that she didn't even want to visit them because it would be too 'painful.' What a load of complete and utter bullshit!! She doesn't care about them. The only thing she cares about is herself. That's what her world revolves around! She was only upset that they were taken from her because she suddenly had to pay child support and lost her health insurance... how is it possible that I am related to her...? -June 21, 2007- Woooo! I finally having a driving permit!! X3 Heh heh, yay! I can finally begin to practice how to drive!! Yay! -July 3, 2007- I visited my doctor today... and it turns out that I had to take out my belly ring... TT.TT He said if I didn't I would get a track infection and he would have to perform surgery... and it would leave the wound open... ><;; That didn't sound to appealing to me.... so, I did as he said- but not at ALL happily... I must have spent at least $200 altogether on that piercing... Dammit! -July 8, 2007- Around three AM this morning... I awoke to the sounds of my Mum screaming at my Grandfather and he yelling just as angrily back... I held my breath and listened for awhile, not willing to go out of my room and push myself into this situation. I was afraid... I didn't want to be hurt. My eyebrows furrowed when I heard my Mum's screeching go up an octave? and I gasped loudly when I heard the tell-all sound of my grandfather's loud stomps coming in her direction. I sat up in bed immediately and hear the family sound of a fist hitting flesh followed by a loud cry and crash. My eyes were wide open as I threw off the covers and flew out of my room. I stood in the hallway only to have my suspicions confirmed... My grandfather had just punched my mother in the face. My jaw fell open a little as I stared at the scene in bug-eyed shock, not knowing what to do... It was all as if in slow motion... my Grandfather picked my Mum up, kicked the front door open and threw her out of it. We all stood out of his way, not wanting to be his next victim. I later found out that my Grandfather had found out that my mother was prostituting herself on Florida Avenue (the worst and most dangerous place in our city)in our city- which is one of the worst cities in the US. He waited for her to come home and confronted her about it... she didn't deny it, if anything, she pushed it in his face. He got very very angry... and began to yell at her... she became angry as well and yelled back... At one point, she pushed him over the edge by saying something nasty about my Grandmother... thus, the punch... She's gone now... I'm not sure where though... -July 13, 2007- Mum called the house at about three in the morning today... She was hysterical and crying like hell. My grandma answered it and after eventually getting her to calm down enough she managed to find out there were big scary men pounding on the door of her friend's house that she was staying at, demanding their drug money. They said if they didn't get it in and hour they were going to kidnap her, stuff her in the trunk, rape her and then kill her. I suspect that this is just a ploy of hers to get money... this is the SECOND time she's pulled this trick in two weeks.... My grandma started to cry though. It's her only daughter and she loves her... for her, to hang up would be like sentencing her daughter to death. My grandfather ripped the phone from her and began to rant at my mum, telling her she deserved to die for all of the chaos, pain, and suffering that she causes... she wears my grandmother down to the point where I'm afraid she'll break... My poor grandmother... Anyway... my grandmother basically got on her hands and knees and BEGGED my grandfather to PLEASE save my Mum just ONE more time... He broke down because he loves her so much and agreed. My grandfather gave me a gun and told me that if I heard anything that sounded like someone breaking into the house or gunshots that I was supposed to take my brother, a cell phone and the gun and hide in the bathtub and call 911. I had to stop myself from freaking out. I was crying like hell and I had never been so scared for someone in my life... I wanted them to come home safely more than anything else. It turned out that I actually DID hear something outside. I went to investigate though, as I doubted someone was trying to break in. There was a person outside and I'll probably never know just what it was that they wanted. I'm not the strongest person, far from it, actually. I find myself rather weak. The only reason I won the fight is because 1) it was dark out and 2) I knew my house better than he did. When he came at me, I kicked him where the sun doesn't shine as hard as I could... It must have been pure luck or adrenaline that I got him... Anyway, I took advantage of the time to shove him back through a thin prickly bush and against the cement steps, which he promptly cracked his head off of. With a couple of pained grunts, he got to his feet and took off. I couldn't stop trembling for an hour... -July 16, 2007- My mother showed up again today... I couldn't believe how thin she truly was. She had practically no clothes on. There was just a tank top and a pair on men's boxers. She tried to pull another fast one over our eyes. She said she was done with her druggie life and that she wanted to try going back to Teen Challenge- a rehabilitation center. She told us she just needed about $50 so she could get herself there. My grandparents were suspicious and they had every right to be. My grandmother told my mother that she would not hand the cash over to her but that she could come inside the house. We would give her some food, call Teen Challenge and take her to the facility ourself. She didn't like that idea much at all. In fact, it ticked her off and she became angry, yelling at them that they didn't care about her. She begged for just $20 and that we would never have to see her again. My grandmother sadly shook her head and said no. In the end, she DID end up giving my mother some money... but only $5. My Mum threatened to get violent though... so my grandfather threatened to call the police to escort her off of our premises. It did not end well... -July 22, 2007- As I mentioned in my first post here, I decided to start life over again... I've finally managed it today. I've changed my screen names and I wish to be a new person. It's difficult to move on and to try to be another person all together and move on with life while painfully leaving behind a few people that I love... I'm sorry to those of you who have been left behind... I'm sorry that I have to do this but it's been brought to my attention that I seem to be getting worse in your company... that you bring me down, make me feel awful about myself and even suicidal. I'm afraid that it's for the best that I let you go. Please remember though that I will never forget you or stop loving you... doing this has to be the hardest thing that I've ever done... and I feel empty about it. I'm sorry. Please don't hate me for this, even though I know, should you ever find out what I've done, that you will. The thought is painful to me... it hurts so fucking much that the thought alone brings me to tears. I can no longer look at certain things the same. The animal planet, for instance. Whenever I see it, I will be reminded of you. My love for you will rush back at full force and slap me in the face. The pain is almost unbearable...? but I will manage for you. I will never be able to fully thank you for all that you've done for me... If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be alive today. Thank you so much for that... honestly, I swear I will never be able to repay all you have done for me. I know it doesn't seem like I'm writing much in your dedication, but, honestly, I don't think I can force myself to write anymore... I fear if I do, I will burst into tears. Thank you, thank you for all you have done for me. I let you go now, I free you. As you yourself told me, we will never be together and I need closure. I need to let you go so I can move on. You will still always be there for me, but, in my heart. I love you. Goodbye. It is time to move on... -July 29, 2007- I'm baaaaaaaaaaaack. The new me that is. Did ya miss me? X3?

Questionable Memories I know I've told some of you-but I'm not sure if I've told all of you. It doesn't bother me to reveal this about myself though. I have what is called, "Suppressed Memory Loss." Basically, my brain decided that I had a few not so good memories and his them from me. However, you can't get rid of the bad without deleting the bad. Honestly, I only have eight memories from the age of fifteen and back. Today, right now, I would like to share them with you. I) I was three years old and laying down on top of a soft blanket in front of the TV. My head was aching a little but that was fine, it wasn't intolerable. At the moment, I was entranced by the moving, brightly colored images that were flicking across the TV screen. Cartoons, I believe. Suddenly, my mother burst into the room with a crazed expression. Her eyes were gleaming maliciously in the dull light and her lips were turned up in a twisted grin. I paused, eyes widening in horror as I recognized the look. My sippy cup that I had been contently sipping from slipped from my suddenly limp hand and clattered to the floor where it began to trickle out of the container. The next thing I was aware of was that my mum was looming over me, sneering down at me in disgust. Bruises were scattered all over her sickly white and clammy skin as she belched loudly. All I can remember after that is the sound of her insane laughter ringing in my ears as I was suddenly engulfed in pain. My mother had beaten me with a chair until I was unconscious. II) I believe I was four years old and it was dark and stormy night. I was sitting in the backseat of my mum's car. There was no baby seat and I wasn't even strapped in with a seat belt. The seat was cold and sticky while the air in the car was full of cigarette smoke and used oxygen. I squirmed a lot, wincing and scrabbling wildly to hold on to something when she made a sharp turn and I was sent flying to the other side of the car. Finally, we arrived outside of her apartment. I let out a sigh of relief and crawled over to the right side of the seat to await my mother. I did not have to wait long. In less than five minutes she threw open the door and peered in at me with impatient eyes. Her hair was wild and a mess, she looked unstable and rather wobbly on her legs and she had a cigarette hanging out of the side of her mouth. "Well, come on!" she urged, holding out her arms for me to crawl into. After a moment of hesitation, I obeyed and crawled forward into her arm, feeling her struggling to pick me up even though I was technically underweight for my age. A small whimper escaped my throat when she cracked my head off the side of the car as she pulled me out but I swallowed the pain and bit my lip so as not to cry. Just behind the crummy apartment I saw a flash of lightning fly through the sky and gasped, snapping my eyes shut and pressing myself close to my mother as I waited for the thunder to come and tried to avoid the rain as it poured down on us. My mother, meanwhile, shut the car door with her leg and started for the apartment. However, moments after the thunder struck loudly, cracking through the air and startling both of us. The startle caused her to release her hold on me and I curled myself into a ball at the last moment before I hit the cement pavement... and everything went black. III) A hand flew through the hair and cracked down on my face. The force from the hit sent me falling back a few paces. Tears welled up in my eyes as my head cracked into the corner of the desk before I hit the ground and I began to sob loudly. I curled myself up into a little quivering ball as I wept. My head was tucked down against my knees and my arms were wrapped around my head as I shook. "M-mommy, why?" I sobbed, daring to glance up at her enraged purple face for a moment before they flickered back down. "Shut up! Don't you lay there and act all sorry for yourself, you fucking crybaby. That's what you are, a weak, insignificant, worthless crybaby! Nobody loves you. How could they? You're as ugly as sin it self. I'm repulsed that I even gave birth to a monster like you!!" She screamed, her own eyes swollen as she too began to cry. "How dare you cry and try to make me feel guilty! Stop it! Stopit right now." She bent down and picked me up by my shirt and began to shake me roughly, her eyes wild. "Smile god damn you, SMILE! Don't you DARE ever stop smiling! Don't you DARE ever try and make me feel guiltily you little fucker! I brought you into the world and I can take you, now SMILE!" I screamed as she began to shake me, terrified and guilty that I had been trying to make her feel bad. I hadn't known that that was what I had been doing. I really was a monster for trying to do that to her... so, I did the only thing I could. I slowly, painstakingly lifted up the corners of my mouth and smiled up at her, forcing myself to try and look cheerful as I willed the tears to stop. It was only then that she released me. She dropped me to the ground and with a final kick (which sent me flying into the TV) she left the room. IV) I was five years old and it was six thirty in the morning. I sat in front of the TV, my face practically pressed against the screen as I watched the cartoons with a neutral expression. The cartoons amused me and they allowed me to escape from my reality and into theirs when I watched them. I suppose that's why I enjoyed them so much. I didn't have to be me, I wasn't living in a dingy apartment with my mother and I was never hungry. I yawned, a little tired but not much. I had been? up all night, watching the cartoons and never once leaving me spot. I stiffened abruptly, my body tensing up when I heard the sound of my mother's bedroom door creaking open and footsteps padding down the hallway. I forced my gaze on the TV, no longer watching it but staring at it without actually seeing. I was distinctly aware when my mother entered the room and it was only then that I turned and looked over at her. She stood there grimacing and holding her stomach in only a nightgown as she gazed back at me. "G-good morning Mommy," I told her in a polite, but soft voice. She nodded at me and walked over, staring at my face for a moment. "Were you up all night watching cartoons?" she asked me. I nodded. She shrugged and turned away, limping off painfully towards the bathroom. After a couple of moments I hear the sound of her choking and gagging. She had probably had too much alcohol or drugs the night before and was finally feeling the affects of it. Sighing softly to myself, I got to my feet and started off towards the bathroom. Every time she got like this I would rub her back, wet a wash rag (by pushing my tiny stool in front of the sink and standing on my tiptoes to reach the faucet) which I would use to wipe her sweaty, sick face and wait for her to finish. Then I would flush the toilet and help her sit on it, using a new washcloth to clean her face while I got her toothbrush and mouthwash out and ready to be used. I wasn't prepared for what I was met with when I entered the bathroom. There was blood everywhere, on the sink, the floor, the walls. The room was covered in it. My mom sat there coughing over the toilet with her hand covering her mouth. I swallowed thickly, not sure what I could do. I wasn't sure what the red stuff was but I knew it was good and I had to help my mom. With a small, tremulous voice I called out to her, "Mommy...?" I hesitantly took a tiny step towards her and stared at her with wide eyes. She turned her head towards me and just looked a me, her face contorted in such an expression of pain and misery that my heart ached. Her eyes bulged suddenly and she whipped back around, coughing violently into her hand, blood spurting out between her fingers. My heart was pounding heavily in my chest, skipping beats every couple of seconds and giving me a tiny fluttering sensation in my chest. It was tight and uncomfortable but I ignored it. Panic was seeping into my body but I struggled against it and tried to calm myself. Vaguely, I remembered a voice from the TV telling me to call 911 in case of an emergency. I forced my body to move, it took a few moments but finally, I managed it get it to cooperate. Then I was a flurry of motion. My body was racing off towards the kitchen where I jerked the phone off the hook and messily pressed the necessary numbers. Sirens, coughing and loud voices are the only things I could recall afterwards. V) Both my mother and myself were now living with my grandparents. It was the middle of winter and the snow had really piled up that year... it reached to the middle of my chest (I was six) and to the hips of an adult. We had moved in not that long ago and had just finished settling in. My grandparents were much more strict with her and they made sure I was okay... I really liked them a lot. My mother wasn't allowed to smoke inside the house; they wouldn't let her. Instead, she was forced to sit out on the porch in front of the house and smoke. I don't think she minded too much, after all, it gave her a little peace and quiet. One night, I decided that she was looking awfully lonely sitting out there in the freezing cold all by herself. So, I grabbed my tiny jacket and put it on. I glanced around carefully, making sure no one was around as I opened the front door and went outside in only pajamas and a thin coat. I shivered a little as the wind welcomed me with an icy embrace before I scooted over next to her, ignoring her surprised expression, and sat down. I didn't say anything and neither did she. I just sat there, letting her know I was there or here without words. I could feel her glance at me every once in a while out of the corner of her eyes and kept my eyes on the ground, staring at my now pink feet (they had been sitting in snow). I hissed a little and shivered some more as the wind picked up and bit at my eyes and to my astonishment, she reached over and wrapped an arm around me, pulling me close to rest up against her in a small attempt to warm me up. I turned my head and gazed up at her in shock, eyes wide and mouth hanging open a little. She smirked at my expression and ruffled my hair gently before turning her gaze to our surroundings. I was in bliss. It was everything I'd ever wanted and more. She was being nice to me! She had hugged me (kind of) and she had touched me without the intent to hurt me. I never wanted the moment to end.... VI) I was playing around in the backyard of my grandma's help, smiling softly at the tiny worms on the ground and helping them over to the dirt so they would be able to go back home. It had rained the night before so there were a lot of them out and in definite need of some rescuing before they were stepped on. I picked up four with one hand and five in the other, running over and off the cement in my backyard and up the hill next to the church and into the grass. I stopped when I reached the line of bushes that separated my backyard and the yard of the apartments behind them and hesitated for a moment. I scanned the ground, searching for a suitable piece of earth to set the rescued worms. Then I saw it; it was perfect. I ran over to it and set them down, watching as they scattered and laughed softly to myself, proud. Then I felt it. Something had wrapped around my waist. I gasped loudly and looked down with wide eyes and was surprised to see a pair of arms locked around me. I whimpered and struggled against them, recognizing by the amount of hair on them and they're shape that they? were male. "S-stop!" I called out, wiggling furiously, "let me go!" I froze abruptly when I felt the man's hot damp breath on the back of my neck. He tightened his grip on my waist and shoved me back against him. I can easily recall how uncomfortable it felt as there was a rather large, prominent bulge in the crotch of his pants. I didn't know what it was at the time but I didn't like it, it hurt. Finally, he pressed his lips by my right ear and whispered huskily, "You're so cute... I'm going to take you home with me and never let you go!" I can remember nothing else after these words. VII) I pressed myself up against the glass of the huge window at the airport, biting my lip sharply and trying to not to cry as I felt stabs of betrayal cut me open. I watched the airplane with my mother on it with tearful eyes, wishing to go with her, not wanting to be separated from her. Unfortunately, it didn't seem to matter what I wanted, it never had. I clutched the curtain in my right fist tightly and waved at the plane with my other hand. My lips were turned up and set in a painfully false grin that felt as though it were pasted onto my face. My mother had gotten married to man named Shawn and he was in the army. She was going to go with him? to Texas and live there for a couple years, perhaps even join the army herself. But... she was leaving me behind. She was placing me and my sister in the custody of my grandparents and leaving me with them. Why would she do this to me? What had I done that was so bad that she would leave me behind instead of taking me with her? I didn't know. All I knew was that it felt like someone had thrust a knife in my stomach and was slowly turning it. I had to force myself not to let out a choked sob when the plane took off, speeding faster and faster down the runway before it finally took to the air. My lips quivered, struggling to stay up as my eyes grew damp and teary. "Mommy..." I whispered sadly, watching her go and allowing only one tear to spill over before I quickly wiped it away. VIII) When I was a child, my grandfather and my mother would fight constantly. I?m not sure what caused the fights but it was most likely something my mother had done or said. After all, all of the fights were about my mum.   I believe I was around nine or ten years old, but I?m not certain. Their fighting, screaming, crying cursing? it upset me more than anything else did. I couldn?t stand it? and so every night when they would begin to fight I would curl up under my bed in a ball, my body quivering and shaking as sobs wracked my tiny frame. I would squeeze my eyes shut and press my hands against my hands against my ears tightly in a feeble attempt to block out the noise. My grandmother would always notice my reaction immediately and try to coax me out from under the bed but to no avail. So, she would crouch down on her hands and knees and strain her arm as she attempted to rub my back and murmur comforting words to me. Then, after a few moments had passed, she would get back up and march over to the fighting pair with a determined expression on her face. ?Stop it!? she would try to demand them, ?You?re upsetting the kids!? But of course, they wouldn?t be able to hear her over the sound of their own voices? and so she would begin to raise her voice to match them and everything would get worse. Most commonly, the only one not affected by these wild arguments was my three-year-old brother. For him, this was all very normal. Ever since he was born these arguments had been going on so he seemed to have a rather easy time blocking them out as background sound. He would simply sit in the living room (which was the room over from the kitchen) and watch TV quietly. It was one night in particular that everything changed and took a turn for the worst. It started out as a normal argument with my grandfather standing at the top of the steps that led down to the basement in the kitchen. He would shake his fist as he yelled or cursed at my mother until her was red in the face. My mum stood at the bottom of the steps, screaming back up at him and sobbing as she occasionally grabbed an object and through it up at him where it would crash into the door and shatter. My grandmother stood directly behind my grandfather, tugging on his shoulder and yelling for him to be quiet. I?m not to sure what happened or when the fight suddenly got worse but the next thing I know I?m standing in the kitchen and watching with wide eyes. Everything after that seemed to happen in slow motion, my brother suddenly tore into the kitchen and began hitting my grandfather as hard as he could, screaming, ?Grandpa! Leave my Mommy alone! Stop hurting her!!!? Everyone froze, dumbfounded as my brother slumped to his knees weeping loudly. A stunned silence settled heavily in the air for a couple minutes before, abruptly, it was broken by my mother hiccuping and stumbling up the steps. She entered the kitchen, shoving my grandfather aside and pushing past him. She looked awful. She was bone thin and her face was a sickly white color with sweat coating it in a thin layer. Her mascara had already run down her face and smeared down her cheeks from the tears and it looked as if she hadn?t slept in days. With her clothes hanging off her body and bruises scattered up and down her arms from the needles she had used to inject drugs into her. She had a strange look on her face as she wobbled past me and out the front door. ?Where are you going!?? my grandfather demanded. ?Fuck you!? she yelled back with a sick whimper as she slipped into her van and turned it on. A twisted look crossed her face as she backed out of the driveway and tore off down the street. We all watched the van swerve wildly on both side of the road before she flew through someone?s lawn and into their house. All I can remember after that are panicked voices, rushed movements, and flashing lights.?

Male Submissive, 45

Transgender Submissive, 79

Male Submissive, 36

Male Dominant, 39

Male Submissive, 41, Las Vegas, Nevada

Male Dominant, 25, Lisboa

Male Switch, 45, providence, Rhode Island

Male Switch, 35, North

Male Switch, 29, Zürich

Male Dominant, 30, los angeles, California

Male Submissive, 36, Middlesbrough

Transgender Switch, 52, Yuma, Arizona