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About swt14uca
**** Taking a break from here for a while. Trying to sort out my life and figure out where I belong in the grand scheme of things.*****.
first, thank you for stopping by.
i have been a part of this lifestyle for 11 years on and off. i'm what i suppose is considered a sensual submissive with slave tendencies and traits. i am looking for One who will challenge me yet respect me. respect is one of those interesting things, in that without respect being given, none is received. this lifestyle requires honesty on both parts as well and trust is such a vital necessity.
i wish to find One who enjoys the formality of "the serve" in addition to allowing me to be who i am. i have a very sensitive spirit. just a look or a certain tone can dissolve me into a puddle. at times, that can be more effective in the immediate situation than being physically disciplined. of course, that would not be my decision to make, now would it? Just providing insight.
i'm in no hurry to rush into this. is it a desire to be owned? Abolutely! however it is more of a desire to find the right One to share myself with and give myself to rather than rushing into something that isn't right for E/either of U/us
it takes time to develop trust and as that is such a huge factor within this lifestyle, there will be time spent getting to know You so You can know me and who i am, know my heart, spirit and mind.
i'm not interested in becoming one of many who serves You.
on the outside, i enjoy so many things and would enjoy finding One to share those things with in addition to experiencing new things.
Please feel free to write if You like.
i am not interested in someone who lives a long distance away from me. i am looking for someone within my own state and in close proximity or at least within an hours drive. i have no desire to be online only and am not willing to relocate or have You relocate.
as a personal preference, height does matter to me.
if i do not respond please do not be offended. i will try to answer but will not be harrassed.
there is this little wonderful button "block" if i do feel harrassed that i will not hesitate to use should the need arise.
thank you.
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that familiar feeling, the familiar pang, wells up inside. will it fade with time? or is it destined to carry that with it forever? |
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unfocused, fragmented thoughts. making it nearly impossible to work today. unable to stop the tears that threaten to fall. the feeling of anxiety so strong, i don't know if i should run or stay. |
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the physical proof of You has faded from view. the mental proof of You, still lingers. Your words, Your voice still echo in it's head. it wonders if it ever crosses Your mind or has it been replaced with thoughts of another. |
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why is the moth drawn to the flame? is it because of the beauty of the fire?
why am i drawn to this flame with it's potential to burn and create such unpleasantness? why am i unable to just "blow" the fire out and walk away? |
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withdrawal - the craving, the need, the want. every "addict" has a craving, need and want for their particular "fix". how does that get satisfied when the one thing you crave, need and want is not necessarily good for you? when it has been removed or withheld, how do you get your fix that at times , when it has become like the very air you breathe? |
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life is viewed through a variety of multiple colored glasses. the glasses represent all of your life experiences that color the ways you respond to the things you encounter.
because you have had other life experiences, your glasses do not allow you to necessarily see things in the colors i do. |
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if You could read my mind. . . . . it might be more clear than some of the things i say at times. if You could read my mind, You would "see" and possibly feel the confusion inside of me. If You could read my mind You would be able to see into the soul of me. If You could read my mind there would be no question in Yours as to how i am feeling, how conflicted i am about You and about me. If You could read my mind You would see to the heart of me. You would see the submissive who has the heart of a slave. You would "feel" the ache i feel when i think about walking away. |
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i have a tendancy to be impulsive at times. while being spontaneous can be a good thing, at times it gets one in trouble.
taking time to think through actions and the potential of those actions from start to finish has not been one of my strong points.
i "feel" i want something, i set things in motion and it doesn't always turn out the way i thought it might. had i taken the time to sit, think and reflect on the possibilities, i may not have moved forward.
there is so much i think i want and so much i need. with both of those comes responsibility for action taken in order to attain those wants and needs.
as i write, this is keeping me from sending off one of those impulsive emails. i was hoping it would calm the pounding heart, perhaps aid in making a determination of whether what i want is real and if the need is that great.
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negotiation, does it have it's place in this type of relationship? is there ever a time when negotiation, depending on the experience level of the slave/submissive, is appropriate? how does one develop the courage to completely relinquish all right to privacy, personal life, accepting and withstanding discipline, sometimes severe discipline such as one has not known or experienced? the desire is there, the fear overwhelms it and prevents it from being able to move forward.
the desire to be protected, cherished, owned, loved, guided, cared for is so strong. Yet being faced with the reality of harsh punishment, giving up privacy of all things, it has been unable to step through that dark door. |
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need vs want. should be simple to distinguish. a need is basic provision, something necessary for survival. want is not so easy to define for me, honestly. i want my privacy, i want to keep certain things, be allowed certain things. how do these two words differ between the submissive vs slave? perhaps, in that the slave gives up everything to her Master. there are those submissives who give up control of aspects of their lives to their Master/Dom as well. it seems in my mind, that there is a fine line really between the two positions. slaves have no rights, therefore, no right to privacy. however there are those submissives who willingly give up that right. so is the difference simply in the taking or the giving?
i am struggling with this right now. and it is so very important that i get it straight in my mind so that i know where i stand, sit and live as well as not to give the wrong impression and/or get myself into a situation that i can't get out of. |
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conflicting thoughts, conflicting emotions. does it know where it belongs? on which side of the fence should it be? there is such conflict, it feels as if there is a war going on inside it as if to tear it apart. |
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technology is great isn't it? you have your blackberry, you set a special ring tone up just for Him and then you forget to set the ringer to a level that will wake you up if He calls or texts. then it becomes a baaaad thing, a very bad thing indeed! and this gets added to the list of things it will answer to Him for soon. :( |
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being protected gives a feeling of security, that is a very good feeling indeed! |
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being chosen is perhaps one of the best feelings there is |
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to be or not to be, that is the question. but should it be a question? you either are or you are not, there is no in between. Obedient or not? trusting or not? loving or not? trustworthy or not? teachable or not? ability to be trained or not? |
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trying to be good but when Some people don't accept what you tell them, it is hard to be nice but it goes against my nature to be rude. i am placed in a position of choice and not an easy one. however, choosing to do what i know is right is always the best way to go and causes a lot less pain! |
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to bow down, be comformable, dutiful, obedient, yielding, a person who serves, who is subservient, compliant.
do i exemplify these qualities?
To own property is to be in possession of, be responsible for, enjoy, dominate, control, to have dominion over such property.
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thoughts, sometimes too many to count. feelings, so intense it feels like i will burst.
questions, they float in my head, surrounded by those thoughts and feelings.
is it the heart of the submissive or that of a slave that yearns so intensely to serve?
does the submissive with slave traits and tendancies have the ability, the desire to evolve into the slave and submit so utterly and completely?
what is this incredible desire surging through me?
i suppose i shall find out!
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