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Moving to CO tomorrow night. I am very happy. No concrete news on my grades from the semester yet.
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So I will be joining Giz and Angel soon. I am very happy. that is all
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Home again...mixed feelings about it. May have to quit school due to
care issues(stupid Gov. Bredesen). If that happens I'll be moving to
Colorado where Giz is moving much sooner than planned.
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yay for see Gizzo very soon!
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First all of the happy stuff. In 9 days I will finally be with Giz
again! I will get to see Danie,Amber,Devin and Alicia during that time
when Giz and I are still in town. I have registered for classes for
next semester. I am enjoying my summer vacation so far. Now for the not
happy stuff. I am in a down swing again...I feel alot of anxiety about
school next year. I find myself put off even completeing my financial
aid forms because thinking of school is so overwhelming. I have come to
realize a situation I am in is not healthy for me and I am going to
remove myself from it and the guy involved...I do wish to remain
friends with his girlfriend though...I just can't go on enabling him in
something I know he has no business being involved in. He and the whole
situation reminds me of my ex too much. I am also worried about a few
other things.
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Just wanted everyone to know I'm doing ok. My grades sucked 3 F's and a
C. I will fix that next semester. I was sick alot so things will be
better. I get to see Giz in about 2 weeks. I've missed him so much.
Vacation has been good so far though most of my friends have gone home.
I will get to see Danie soon I think.
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This semester has been rough. I'm feeling really discourage by the
whole situation. My A&P lecture is a constant struggle...lots of
material at once...many of my classmates are struggling as well. Then
there is my A&P lab...the teacher refuses to give me the
accomidations neccessary for me to function. So the outlook for my
A&P class is bleak. Statisics is very difficult but I'm hoping that
aI will manage to pass. I think(though I'm not certain) will do ok in
music and Social Work. Over all between my health and other factors
I've struggling to barely make it this semester. My hope is that my
grades are high enough to stay on VR(or else I'll have to find another
way of paying for next semester) and do better next year.
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School isn't getting any easier. I'm just hoping to pass this semester
because I have struggled so much. Other than school I'm doing pretty
well. I love having 24 hour care...my nurses and caregivers are
awesome. I still need to find out about my new hearing aids. I will
have to do my financial aid stuff and register for next years classes
soon. I also have to figure out how to pay the rent this summer. Two
months til I see Giz again...I did not know it was possible to miss
someone this much.
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I'm feeling a bit better than the last time I posted. I miss Claude
alot but I will be ok. I am also feeling more like my normal cheerful
self in other ways. I'm still kind of concerned about school though.
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My mom called me today...my step dad had a heart attack and died earlier
this morning. I can't believe he's gone...our family had just
formed...WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN??????????!!!!!!!!!! Why does my
family deserve to suffer like this? He was so kind and loving...what
will Mom or Claude's kids or me or Sarah do now? A couple of his kids
can't even understand death. IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! R.I.P.
Claude William Taylor...I love you papa...I will see you in Daddy on
this other side. I'll do my best to make you both proud. I'm sure I
won't be exactly what ya'll would hope for but I'll try.
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Back from spring break. Hopefully the break will help me be more
productive. Ii'm happy 2 months til summer. I may get to see Alicia
pretty soon. Hopefully I will see Amber and Devin soon too.
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Many conversations of late have prompted to posting of this blog. Giz and I were talking earlier and he got some news about his ex and as it always does when he gets news from her it affected him much as when I heard that Bryan may be dead it shocked me into feeling as if I had been punched in the stomach or when I thought may die due to illness .We each understand that the other was not our first love and so we cannot love one another in quite the same way as we loved back the. This doesn't mean our love for each other is any weaker...if that were the case we likely would not made it through my mom trying to cause drama much less making through being roughly 600 miles apart since December. Our love for each other is different yes...we are both older and some ways wiser than we were in the past. No we cannot give our hearts to each so completely and with such utter faith that this person could never hurt us. We do however love each other very much(speaking for myself); more as each day passes. We do recognize that each of us is imperfect so we will grow together;we each know how to be happy and content outside of our relationship so we are not as entirely invested in each other. We love differently than we use to but we love each very deeply. I am very happy because for the first time since I was 17 I feel completely secure in the knowledge that I am in this relationship for the right reasons. I am confident in his love for me as he is in my love for him. As I have already said different does not mean less it only means we have changed since we were younger.
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So I got one heck of a surprise today... My mom and Claude got back together. I'm not yet sure of details because the last I knew before today they weren't even talking. My mom says they are very happy. I'm very happy for them and wish them all the best. Needless to say they will not be completing their divorce papers. Hopefully things will be better than ever. I am glad to have our family whole again and am ready to forget past mistakes. I also found out that I may end up getting twenty-four hour care after all. If so I will have CNTs part time and skilled nurses part time which would make life so much easier. I hope to find out about my hearing aids soon.
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The last few days have been...well for once I am at a loss for words. I have discovered that someone whom I considered a friend and believed to care very much for me as well as Giz has started causing alot of drama. So I won't be hanging around her anymore. I am still struggling not to get overwhelmed at school. At least spring break is next week. I am getting more excited as the days pass because each day brings me that much closer to being with Giz again. I still haven't heard any more about getting my new hearing aids. I'm going to get a lawyer to help me fight Tenn Care about my attendant care. A friend gave me information on an agency that may help me have more care etc.
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School is still overwhelming me. I'm really worried about how well I'll do this semster. It feels like I just have to much on my plate. I am constantly stressed over some assignment. Everyone else believes in me now if only I could believe in myself. I'm also dealing with stress and sadness due to my CP. Thank Freud for everyone who is helping keep me at my normal level of crazy.
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A week ago today Alicia came to Murfreesboro to help me prepare a present for Gizzo.She, Kira, and I all had a great time together.A few days later I was having difficulty dealing with being depressed so Alicia came to pick me up to spend time with her. I got to meet some of her friends from college as well as a few friends of hers that know Gizzo and Angel as well. I'm starting to feel a little bit better and I think I will make it through the semester just fine.I had won the court case concerning my care and was receiving 24-hour care. The insurance company got the decision reversed so I have to appeal yet again. I just wonder how long I will have to struggle before getting the necessary care.
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I just found out that will once again be receiving 24-hour attendant care. This will make my day-to-day life so much easier. I also found out that I should hopefully be receiving my new hearing aids very soon... crosses fingers. I need to make an appointment with a neurologist to see if I did have a seizure last week. I'm having to try to catch up in my classes due to being sick a few times.I just hope this semester turns out better than last.
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Monday I could not go to class because I ended up very dizzy and confused for quite a bit of the day.As it turns out I found out when I went to the doctor yesterday they believe I had a seizure. I was unable to attend class yesterday because of my doctors appointment. I'm doing better now... I hope it stays that way.Soon I will seek help through counseling services on campus because of my depressed mood etc.I continue to be amazed by all the wonderful people in my life. I love you all!
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Since I was a teenager(15 or 16) I have been going to a camp for
disabled children and adults. I met most of my friends there. Most of
my happiest memories took place there.Due to financial troubles the
site camp is held is being sold.From what I have been told camp will
continue at other locations in the state. It won't be the same though,
that place was a second home to so many people and our friends from
Camp are like family. So here's to all the wonderful memories that
have taken place over the years there.Here's to memories of camp songs,
campfires, dances, camp romances,coffeehouse,and so many other great
activities. Here's to all the counselors and staff who made that place
so terrific. Here's to all the campers who have ever experienced the
magic of camp. Thanks for the memories ESC.
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For now my mom and I are not fighting.I'm still strugglin with lots ofpersonal struggle besides that though.Hopefully thingswill get better soon.
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my problems with my momjust got ALOT worse. I need to get away from her...for good. I wish Gizzo were here.
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I am still having a hard time. I still haven't found out anything
about increasing my hours of personal care. I desperately need more
care than I am currently getting because I do not have help for most of
the day. I'm still having extremely bad pain. I'm tired of all
this... I just wish that I didn't have to deal with being disabled for
a while. I'm still really lonely because the only friend I get to see
is Rachel.
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Today sucks...really sucks! I'm in absolute agony(not even close to fun pain). I have been deal with alot of unexplained pain for months and today was the worst pain that I have ever had. For those of you who know what my pain tolerance is like and considering that I am masochistic that should tell you how much pain I am dealing with. In addition to being in pain I have a lab that I'm not sure that I'm going to be able to function in my wheelchair and the extreme lack of dexterity I have. To make matters worse my teacher actually asked me"what is wrong with you?"I would think that someone with a doctorate would have the sense to be more tactful. Today is one of the rare days where instead of being upset over complications from my disability I also in addition am also sad just because sometimes it sucks to be different.
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Later today I begin another semester of college. I will be very busy
since I have four regular lecture classes and a lab. I'm scared that
this semester will be like last where so much went wrong but I hope
not...trying to stay positive. Danie emailed me so I know she is
surviving her ordeal. Gizzo apparently has gall stones and I hope and
pray he feels better soon. I still miss him and Angel like nothing else
but am surviving. I treasure every moment I get to talk to them. When
things get tough I just tell myself I'm one day closer to seeing them
again. Also am gonna find a way to see Danie.
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I just got to talk to Gizzo and Angel. First they had to ask about a typo I made the other day lol. I feel so much better. I know they miss me just as much as I miss them. Talking to Giz gave me renewed believe in my ability to make it. After all everyday we survive brings us closer to being together again. I will be ok.
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I used to love school and nothing not even something like 64 seizures in a semester my senior year of high school could ruin that. Last semester was horrible with the only bright spots being I had two of my best friends at school, I got to spend time with Amberly a few times, I met Sarah Parker, Angel, Devin, Gizzo and Hannah. I have been nearly having a nervous breakdown every time I even think about school. How am I gonna make it through another semester if I can't even think about it with crying? I am not even excited about any of my classes and that's very unusual for me. Danie won't be coming back to school so there goes one bright spot. Rachel is supposed to come back but that's in doubt if she doesn't pay fees soon. So I may not even have her. Amberly is in Hermitage so seeing her or Devin is very rare. Sarah Parker isn't my caregiver anymore so another bright spot gone. Angel and Gizzo are in Texas and I miss them more than works can say. Hannah is about all I know for sure that I will still have (hopefully I'll have Rachel too). I'm depressed, lonely and I really don't think I can do this. To add to things I have to worry about how I will get books and there are the ever- present problems with my mom. PLEASE GET ME OUT OF HERE IT REALLY IS TOO MUCH FOR ME TO BARE...COME RESCUE ME BEFORE I HAVE A MELTDOWN!!!!!!!!
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Didn't
quite know I could miss Giz and Angel this much. I don't miss most
people easily but with them in Texas my heart and mind are split
between my loved owners and responiblities here and the intense desire
to be with them. Angel says she hates it there and hopes to convince
Gizzo to move elsewhere. Will that mean our family will be reunited
here soon or that I will be visiting and eventually relocating
elsewhere...time will tell when/if that happens. Everything here is
going ok here except for the fact that I had to spend quite a bit of
cash paying MTSU and one of my dearest friends won't be able to return
to school for the coming semester.
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NOTE to ANY person who wishes to message me: I HAVE NO DESIRE TO BECOME INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE OLD ENOUGH TO BE MY GRANDPARENT!
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I just realized I've never written a journal entry here yet. I had a pretty good Christmas about the only way it would have been better is if Gizzo(my Owner) and Angel(one of his other girls and my best friend) weren't in TX. I miss them horribly. Gizzo wants me to begin to seek another man so that I'm not lonely(as much) in his absence...I shall try. |
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